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Finding Yourself - post departure - parts 1-135 updated 07/18/02
by Cookieman1234

posted on 9-Sep-2001 7:58:37 AM

Finding Yourself
Author: Cookieman aka Stacey
Email: Cookieman123@go.com
Category: M/L , but strong friendship themes with others
Rating: PG 13 to NC 17, but you will be warned before those post
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a computer, some college debts and a vivid imagination
Author’s Note: This takes place after “Departure”. I know, I know, another Departure fic, right? Well, give me a try. The first few parts are trying to wrap up the mess left to us, so it might take me a few parts to get into it. In case you don’t know yet, feedback makes me post far quicker…

Finding Yourself
Part 1

The sky was clear, bringing forth the kind of night sky that you could stare at for hours and lose yourself in. And Liz Parker had been doing just that. She had been sitting in her lounge chair staring at the stars for so long they had all seemed to run together. Her journal lay open before her, the pages blank. It had been months now and she still couldn’t bring herself to write a single word. It had bothered her at first, but now she had come to accept it. Her heart was simply empty. She had nothing left to write. Gone were her hopes and dreams, her visions of the future. She had seen the future already, and it wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

Liz sighed as she closed her journal. Her parents were worried about her and she found that it was becoming too tiring to pretend things were still okay. Alex was dead. Tess was pregnant with Max’s child and their days were now spent looking for the serpent they had allowed into their circle. Sure, none of them had actually trusted her, but they hadn’t expected her not to murder and betray them. Maybe they had given her too much credit.

Don’t trust anyone had been their motto long before Max had trusted Liz with their secret. They should have stuck with that. At least then Alex might still be alive. They would still be the three amigos. She and Maria and Alex would still be able to get together every Thursday night and laugh. Max Evans would just be someone she had Biology with. And destiny would just be a work in a book. If only Max had lied to her when she had asked him what he was.

As the familiar what-ifs ran through her head, Liz let herself sink into the now familiar depths of depression. Classes were starting up tomorrow. Summer was over. It was her senior year, the supposed best time of her life.

After Tess had left with the Granolith, they had spent the entire summer searching for her, searching for any clue that would tell them what had happened or where to find them. Maria had actually turned out to be a computer genius, much to everyone’s surprise. She had decrypted the remainder of Alex’s files and had even hacked her way into some information that had been useful.

Through that information and the top-secret documents Brody had gotten his hands on, they had discovered the fate of the Granolith. It had not achieved orbit. They could only assume that it had malfunctioned along the way and it had crashed back to Earth. But the big question was where had it crashed? They knew of at least four countries looking for it, having picked it up on their radars, but none had been able to pinpoint its’ exact location.

The group consensus had been that there must have been some sort of cloak or force field around it that was hiding it from view. Maria had found a passage in the decodings that spoke of a cryogenic sleep occupants were put into. After months of discussions and research, they had finally been able to determine why the Granolith had crashed. It wasn’t a machine built to travel long distances.

After exhaustive searches and more decoding, they had unearthed it’s true purpose. The Granolith had been described as a powerful machine, a weapon with cataclysmic capabilities. Legend had it that it had been created by an elite group of entities, beings of pure energy that created it for peaceful purposes. But the ruling forces of the planet each thought they should own it, and a war was begun. Distraught over the possibility of it being used in war, they stole the Granolith away in the middle of the night. They locked it’s power tight, prophesizing that in the last remaining days of the dying moon, a child of Royal blood would be conceived that would possess the knowledge to awaken the Granolith’s true powers, that worlds would fall under their rule and the power of the universe would be in their hands.

Zan and Vilandra’s mother had belonged to a race of people that were guardians of the Granolith. They had hoped that Zan’s first born would have been the prophesized child, but they had been murdered before there had ever been a chance. So, the Queen had sent the Granolith with them, hoping it would be safe from Khivar. It had been modified for some flight in emergency situations over the years, but not for a journey such as the one Tess had undertaken.

Suddenly, there had been an even greater rush to find Tess. If Khivar were to get a hold of Max’s son and the Granolith, they wouldn’t have a home to return to. And through it all, Liz had helped. She had been there to research and hypothesize. She had lied and broken more laws and rushed alongside them to find Tess, to find the child she had created with Max. And Liz had died inside a bit more every time. She still hadn’t told him about her visit from future Max. The guilt over Alex’s death was hers alone to shoulder.

And then there was her relationship with Max, if you could even call it that anymore. They had talked once seriously. Max had explained that he knew she had secrets, things she wasn’t telling him and he respected that. He had treated her horribly and he would have to earn back her trust, her confidence. But every minute since then, he had been obsessed with finding the Granolith. But Liz could see the torn look in his eyes. He knew he was hurting her, but he was powerless to stop it. It wasn’t too long before Liz just stopped looking. They were both doing what had to be done. So, they were friends now. But could they ever be more? She would always be in his way, a distraction from his cause. And just because Tess didn’t turn out to be his destiny, it didn’t mean that she was it now.

A soft scuffling sound in the alleyway caught her attention but she couldn’t bring herself to do more than glance at the stair railing. Friend or foe, it didn’t matter anymore.

A head of light, curly hair appeared and she recognized it immediately. A minute later, Sean Deluca hopped onto her roof. He sent her a sly grin when he saw her sitting there.

“Hey, Parker. I guess I don’t have to worry about waking you up.”

All Liz could manage was a half smile, but her heart wasn’t in it and he knew it. She said nothing, knowing he had come for a reason.

Sean stuck his hands in his pocket. What had he been thinking coming over here like this? Oh yeah, he’d been thinking of Liz Parker’s face. He moved to sit in the chair beside her and watched her in the moonlight. She was grace and beauty all rolled up into a neat package. And she wasn’t his, never would be.

“Uh, so look, I sort of had something I needed to tell you.” He paused, hoping she would have some sort of response, sighing when there was none. “I’m leaving Roswell. And I want you to come with me.”

Edited by - cookieman1234 on 09/19/2001 10:11:35

[ edited 30time(s), last at 31-Jul-2002 7:35:39 AM ]

posted on 9-Sep-2001 7:59:06 AM

posted on 9-Sep-2001 7:59:35 AM

posted on 9-Sep-2001 7:59:59 AM

posted on 9-Sep-2001 8:00:21 AM

posted on 9-Sep-2001 8:00:45 AM

posted on 9-Sep-2001 8:01:18 AM

Finding Yourself
Author: Cookieman aka Stacey
Email: Cookieman123@go.com
Category: M/L , but strong friendship themes with others L/K
Rating: PG 13 to NC 17, but you will be warned before those post
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a computer, some college debts and a vivid imagination
Author’s Note: This takes place after “Departure”. I know, I know, another Departure fic, right? Well, give me a try. The first few parts are trying to wrap up the mess left to us, so it might take me a few parts to get into it. In case you don’t know yet, feedback makes me post far quicker…

Alright, this is an official warning from me to you. First of all, this part is LOOOONG. I don’t like doing that, cause I’m mean and like to keep you coming back for more, but I couldn’t bring myself to cut this part anywhere. Second, this is sad. Yes, I’m admitting it. Be warned.

Finding Yourself
Part 7

Max drove aimlessly in the dark, snatches of the earlier conversation running through his head.

Liz had stormed out of the apartment, leaving everyone in shock. It hasn’t taken Max long to recover and he had jumped up, heading for the door. Only Kyle had stood in his way, pulling him back.

“She’s been through enough. Let her have some time alone.”

“No, I need to find her now. I have to talk to her before it’s too late.”

“This isn’t about you, Max, not this time. This is about Liz and what she needs. You broke her heart again tonight. Maybe for the last time. Did you see the defeated look in her eyes? You put it there. Hell, we all did really. The last thing she needs is you charging after her, making her talk before she can get her thoughts together.”

“Kyle’s right.” Maria spoke up now. She hadn’t been a friend either. When her heart had been bleeding and raw, she had turned to Michael. Isabel and Kyle had each other. Who had Liz had to talk to? Liz had even asked for help this summer, telling Maria she was drowning here. But Maria had panicked and guilted her into staying. She was to blame too. “We all failed her. She doesn’t need any of us right now.”

“Well, she needs someone! She can’t just walk home in the dark!” Max had started pacing, realizing just how badly he had screwed up and not having a clue how to fix it.

“I’ll go.” Kyle had volunteered. “Just stay away from her.”

Now, Max drove, thinking back on all the things he could have said and done differently. It was a wonder she didn’t hate him after the way he’d treated her. Ignored, brushed aside for him to relentlessly quest after the Granolith.

Damning the consequences, he swung the Jeep around and headed towards Liz’s house. He needed to see her tonight. He had the sinking feeling that tonight may be his only chance to get through to her, to show her how much she meant to him.

He made the drive quickly, careful to pull quietly across the street to not wake the Parkers. He made his way rung by rung up her fire escape, not knowing what to expect. Would she even be there? If not, he would wait, as long as he needed to. But as he climbed over the ladder, his eyes were drawn to Liz’s small form huddled on her lawn chair. She looked so small, so broken, that he wanted to run to her and promise her the world. But he didn’t have the right to.

He hopped over the ledge as he’d done a hundred times, but it was different this time. Liz didn’t stand to greet him, didn’t flash him a secret smile. Now that he thought about it, he didn’t remember the last time he actually had seen her smile. She merely continued to stare up at the sky. Max approached her slowly.

“Liz? Is it okay if I sit down?”

She nodded and Max took a seat beside her. Where was he supposed to begin?

Liz knew he was struggling to find a way to reach her, but she was beyond it now. She knew what she had to do.

“Did I ever tell you the story about the time Maria, Alex and I went camping in Frasier Woods? It was the summer before I was shot. It was just the three of us, sitting in the middle of the dark woods, Alex’s idea of course. Maria and I had voted on going to another city and staying in a hotel for our vacation, but Alex insisted on going camping. He said we hadn’t lived until we’d had to rough it.” She smiled at the memory. “It rained, monsooned actually, and all we had was this second hand tent with a leaky roof. Maria and I moaned about it, but Alex was having the time of his life. He told us ghost stories and we ate the marshmallows we couldn’t toast. Then when we heard noises outside, Maria and I ended up sleeping in his sleeping bag with him, so he could protect us from whatever dangers lurked outside. We were miserable, cold and scared to death, but I’d give everything I had to go back to that night, that horrible night that almost made me catch pneumonia. Because, that night, it was just us. Everything was okay. I didn’t know it then, but that’s one of the best memories I have.” Liz paused.

“And then I think about what my life is like now. I can’t help but weigh every decision in terms of death and universal destruction. If I have cornflakes for breakfast, will the world end? Who will die today if I decide to throw caution to the wind and tell you right now I forgive you for everything you came here to apologize for? I feel like I’m weighing the value of human life. If we had slept together last year, then Isabel and Michael would have died, along with thousands of others. Tess would be gone, a war wouldn’t have to be waged over your unborn child. But instead, Alex is dead. There’s no winning.”

“Liz, none of that was your fault.”

“Well, the only common thread is that we were involved. We can dance around it all you want, Max, but as long as we’re here in each other’s pockets, everyone around us is in danger. Don’t you see? Michael was right all those years ago. I distract you. I mean, here you are babysitting me when you have a lead on finding your child.”

“I had to see you, Liz. I was worried about you”

“You shouldn’t be. I haven’t been okay in a long time.”

“I’m sorry again for that. I know words can’t begin to make up for it-“

“It’s fine, Max. I understand.”

Her tone was flat and he was truly worried now. Why wasn’t she yelling at him? “But you shouldn’t have to.”

“No, Max, really I get it. You were only doing what you had to do. It’s your responsibility to watch out for the others, for your planet and for your child. I’m sorry I threw a fit and stormed out. It was childish and wrong. As a friend, you deserved better.”

“Well, as a friend and the woman I love, you deserved better than I’ve been treating you.”

“Don’t say that.” Liz squirmed. She wouldn’t be able to do this if he told her how much he loved her.

“What? That I love you? I do, Liz. I know how I’ve treated you lately and that’s all going to change. I’ll spend more time just you and me. I won’t research so much to find the Granolith.”

“You would do that for me?”

Max swallow hard. “Yes.”

Liz closed her eyes. “Max, I can’t ask you to do that for me. That’s why this isn’t working.”

“What do you mean?”

“I can’t be okay in this town anymore, neither can you. If I let anything happen between us, it would be wrong. You have a destiny, Max, and it’s not me.”

“I’m so sick and tired of that word. If you’re afraid of what being with me will mean, or if you don’t love me anymore, tell me. But just don’t hide behind destiny.”

Liz turned to face Max for the first time. “I do love you, Max. I always will, but I’m dying here. Everything around here is slowly choking me. I love you enough to know that you don’t belong to me, and that I have to let you go.”

“No.”

“Yes. Max, you have a life to live. You need to be able to focus all your attention on finding your child, stopping Khivar, and finding yourself in all of this. Maybe I’m being cowardly, but it’s time for me to go. Put yourself in my shoes. If Kyle and I had slept together and we had conceived a child, but then I disappeared, how would you feel following Kyle around looking for his child, knowing that it should have been yours?”

Max knew how he would feel, anger, jealousy, rage, and a hundred other things. And he understood.

“That’s how I feel all the time. If it were just the baby we were looking for, maybe I could do it. But with her killing Alex and all the future stuff, it’s too much. When I said I don’t know who I am anymore, I meant it.” She waited, could she say it? “I’m leaving Roswell.”

Max’s heart lurched. “Okay, for how long? Christmas break is coming up soon.”

“No, I’m leaving tonight. I’m moving away.”

“You can’t leave. Liz, we can change things. I can change.” He was desperate now. He couldn’t live without her.

“You shouldn’t have to. After all this time, I’m still holding you back. You were supposed to be sleeping now so you can leave in the morning for Phoenix. But instead here you are, saying you’ll put it all behind you. You can’t do that, Max. Like it or not, you are a King. Not only do your people need you to find the Granolith, but you also have a child out there. And you should be spending every minute of the day looking for him. That’s why I’m leaving. It hurts too much to watch you do this and you don’t really need me. We both need some time to find our places. Somewhere out there, you do have a destiny. Maybe it’s with me, but maybe not. And maybe I have a destiny of my own to fulfill. And I can’t find it here. I have to leave.”

“Would you still have gone if I hadn’t come here tonight, if I hadn’t come here to talk to you?”

“But you did. I always did know what you were going to do before you did it. That’s how I know you’re going to be a great leader and a wonderful father.”

“Where will you go?”

“I don’t know. I’m not going to hide or change my name. But I am going to ask you not to look for me. Don’t track me down and watch me from afar. I can sense when you’re around and it’ll only drive me crazy if I think you’re there somewhere.”

“Will you ever come back?” His heart had already accepted that she was leaving. She needed to. But he needed to know if he would ever look up and see her standing in front of him.

“One day, but don’t wait for me, Max. Maybe I’ll be able to work things out in my head for us to be together, maybe not. I’m letting you go so you can fly free and clear of guilt. You may find that the only way for all this to end is for you to go home. And if that’s where your path takes you, go.”

“Is there anything I can say or do to change your mind? I have to know.”

“Yes. All you have to do is ask me to stay. Ask me to spend the night with you and I will. But I won’t be the Liz Parker you fell in love with.”

Max nodded, his heart aching. He had done this to her, had pushed her to this point with his inattention and his very existence. But beyond all that, she loved him enough to stay if he said he needed her, even if it meant she would die a little more inside everyday. He did need her, like the very air he breathed. But she was right. There was too much in their way right now. Slowly, as if afraid not to scare her, he moved to sit in her lounge chair. She looked at him questioningly, but he was powerless to stop moving. He had to feel her in his arms one last time. He drew his arms around her, hugging her close, trying desperately to remember it all for later. Would her scent disappear from his memory? Could he ever forget how soft her skin was?

“Maybe you’re right. Maybe we both need some time to spread our wings and see if our journeys take us apart or bring up back together.” He pulled back from her slim form and offered her a broken smile. “Do you need a ride somewhere?”

Liz let out a breath. He wasn’t going to ask her to stay. Was she glad he was making this easy, or disappointed? “Yeah, the bus station.”

“Okay. Is this all you’re taking?” He nodded to a bag that sat behind her chair.

“Yeah.” She stood with him, praying that her knees would hold her up. She was really going to do it. She was going to leave her heart behind and find a way to live again.

Max held out a shaky hand to her. Without hesitation, she placed her hand in his and they climbed down the fire escape and into Max’s Jeep.

Author’s note: Now, I have a question for all of you guys. I loved the last part I wrote with Alex coming to Liz to help her out. I’m trying to decide if I should put him in a bit more as the story progresses (maybe another two or three scenes) or leave him out, giving his visit more impact. Please give me your opinion and I’ll decide based on what you guys want to see. Thanks. And I need you guys to remember something, I love Max and Liz together. This will not turn into an U/C story, although it may look that way sometimes. They just have a long road ahead of them before that even has a possibility of happening. Just a note before I get more death threats. And yes, I did borrow the memory of them going camping in Frasier Woods from DWYHTD, but I can do that because I made them both up. I just loved the idea and I ran with it in here too.

posted on 9-Sep-2001 8:01:58 AM

posted on 9-Sep-2001 8:02:23 AM

posted on 9-Sep-2001 8:02:53 AM

posted on 9-Sep-2001 8:03:16 AM

posted on 9-Sep-2001 8:03:49 AM

Finding Yourself
Author: Cookieman aka Stacey
Email: Cookieman123@go.com
Category: M/L , but strong friendship themes with others L/K
Rating: PG 13 to NC 17, but you will be warned before those post
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a computer, some college debts and a vivid imagination
Author’s Note: This takes place after “Departure”. I know, I know, another Departure fic, right? Well, give me a try. The first few parts are trying to wrap up the mess left to us, so it might take me a few parts to get into it. In case you don’t know yet, feedback makes me post far quicker…

Okay, look, here’s the deal. I’m still not happy with how this part reads, but I’ve played with it for too long already. So, let me know what you guys think.

Finding Yourself
Part 12

Maria steeled up all her courage as she sat in her parked Jetta outside of the Evans residence. She knew the Evans were out shopping, so that just left her Isabel to deal with. Max had been well guarded by his sister, making sure that no one hurt her still fragile brother. Well, Isabel hadn’t dealt with Maria yet. She would just march up there and demand to see Max. Or she could just go through the window like Liz used to. The more she thought about it, the better the second way sounded. Yep, there was something to be said for the coward’s way out of a situation.

More nervous now than she thought possible, Maria climbed out of her car and across the well manicured front lawn. Sadly, she already knew which window was Max’s. When had they begun using windows more often than doors?

A quick pass around the house showed her that Isabel was watching television in the living room alone. That meant Max must be in his room. Maria carefully picked her way around the house and in front of Max’s window. It was now or never.

Not bothering to knock, Maria slid the window open and poked her head through. Max was on his bed, sleeping by the looks of it. Deciding it was better this way, Maria set about climbing through to his bedroom. Succeeding with only minor scrapes, she approached the side of the bed.

“Max, wake up.” Maria whispered, but received no response.

Poking him in the ribs, she tried again. “Max, I need to talk to you.”

Max groaned and rolled over, burying his face under his pillow. “Go away, Maria. I already told Isabel I don’t want to talk to anyone.”

Maria felt her anger rise to the surface. Did he really think he was going to get away with that? “Max Evans, I don’t give a damn what you want. I’m here to talk to you and you’re going to get up and listen to me.”

Max pulled the pillow from over his head, turning pleading eyes to Maria. “Please, Maria, you understand, don’t you?”

“Oh yeah, I understand alright. Those sad eyes may work on Isabel, but not on me, not anymore. It’ll be less embarrassing if you just get up and dressed on your own, but I’m not leaving here without you.”

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Wanna bet? Max, you’ve been holed up in here for weeks now and we’ve let you. Hell, I’ve done the same thing, so I know how easy it is. But it’s time for that to stop. Both of us need to wake up and have a talk.”

Max saw the gleam in her eyes. Maria was in the mood to talk and she looked pissed. He’d wondered how long it was going to take for his friends to blame him for Liz’s disappearance. He supposed he owed her at least the chance to get it out of her system. “Give me a minute.”

Maria watched as Max climbed out of bed and pulled on a pair of jeans, not bothering to tuck in his shirt. They had all stopped living, and they were about to begin again. She took a glance around his room and found that it wasn’t much better than Max’s appearance. “First thing we do after we get back and you shower is clean this place up.”

Max ignored her jibe. “I assume you didn’t go through Isabel?”

“Uh, no the window, actually.”

Max nodded. He really didn’t feel like going through Isabel much himself. He loved her, but when she played mother hen, she could be stifling. Together, they climbed out the window and slipped into Maria’s Jetta. The window was down and Max found that he enjoyed the feel of fresh air as they raced down the highway. It had felt like ages since he had breathed it in. “Where are we going?”

But Maria didn’t answer. She was trying to figure out what she was going to say and if she would still have a friend in Max when she was through. They drove in silence for the trip out to the desert.

Max immediately recognized the surroundings. She was taking him to the bluff where they used to have their meetings, back before Tess, before Destiny, before they had hurt each other.

Sure enough, Maria slowed the car and parked, jumping out of the car. Nerves drove her forward as she paced the bluff.

Max followed her slowly. “Look, Maria, I know you’re angry with me. You have every right to be.”

She whirled to face him. “You’re damn right I’m angry with you. And thank you for giving me your permission, your highness.”

Max’s spine stiffened. “That’s not necessary, Maria.”

“Isn’t it? Isn’t that what this is all about? You give commands and we follow? The Great King and his lowly servants? You tried to command Liz from leaving Roswell to find out the truth about Alex. You commanded Isabel not to leave for school. Who knows what else you’ve done, because you haven’t talked to me in months. Did that work out for you? Did you get better results with threats and demands? Liz was right. Look at us. Look at what all of us have become. Ever since Alex died things have been wrong. Liz knew it, but none of us believed her. You made her feel guilty, drew a line in the sand between us all. And none of us chose her. I’m to blame for how I treated her too, but she was right. She knew Alex better than the rest of us and she believed in him. I don’t know about you, but I’ve lost my faith in everything. And I know how scared and alone I’ve been. Your world wasn’t the only one that was shaken up, Max.”

Max stood tall, afraid to move for fear of breaking down and never being able to regain his footing. “I’m sorry, Maria. I haven’t been there for you. You lost both of them.”

“This isn’t about me.” Maria felt her anger draining away. She still wasn’t done with Max, but this wasn’t the time for the fierce storm of her anger. There would come a day when she would let him have it, but not today. She needed to get their group back on track. “No, you weren’t there for me. But you know who else you haven’t been there for? Your son.”

Max’s eyes flared. “I don’t want to talk about that.” He couldn’t. The guilt was too much. How could he help anyone if he couldn’t even help himself?

“Well, guess what? I do. Liz left because she wanted you to be able to concentrate day and night to find him, to get the Granolith back so that it won’t be a threat to your people. What about them? Would you condemn millions of people because you got your heart broken?”

Max winced. He’d never had a furious Maria before, angry yes, but furious no. “That’s not fair.”

“You’re right, it’s not. Look at yourself. Is this what you want to be like? Do you want to just exist, waiting for the day maybe when Liz comes back? Cause I can tell you she’s not going to break down and come running home. She’s lost too. But if she does come back around one day to see what we’re up to, this isn’t the Max she’s going to come running home too. She fell in love with the Max that was self-assured, that was a friend, and that cared about those around him. And you’re not him anymore. Maybe you never will be again, but maybe you can be someone better. Maybe we all can.” She softened, knowing she was getting through to him.

“If you want, you can spend the rest of your life lying in bed playing what-if games in your head. Or you can get up and take your life back. Find the Granolith, your son. And if the only way to save him is to return home, then go home. That’s why she left, Max. So you could be your own person. You need to face the consequences of your actions. She may be gone for good.”

Max’s features reflected nothing but pain. “I don’t know how to do it without her.”

“Then we’ll figure it out together. I’m not going to leave you alone. I may kick you in the ass every now and then, but I’ll be here whenever you want to talk about her and Alex. I don’t want there to be awkward silence whenever their names are brought up. We need to be a team again, you, me, Isabel, Michael, and Kyle.”

Max groaned. “He has to hate me.”

Maria nodded her head. “I think so. But if you want his help, you’ll have to prove to him that he’s wrong about you. Prove to him that you can be a friend. Kyle was hurt too, you know. He thought of her as a sister. We all were burned by Tess. But I’m not going to let her ruin anymore of our lives. Liz asked me not to.”

“Did she say that in her letter? What else did it say? Do you mind talking about it?” He had to know more about what she had been feeling.

“I don’t know. Max, she was so hurt. She just kept writing about how lonely and scared and empty she’d been without Alex. It tore her up having people think he’d killed himself. She knew how much life was in him. She wrote about how she knew if she didn’t leave she would regret it her whole life. She wants to live, to find out what normal looks like. And she wants the chance to find out if her love for you is the best kind or the kind that only kills you slowly. She said she would write to me sometime, not anytime soon, but she wouldn’t disappear completely.” Maria looked down at her feet. “If she does, I’m not going to tell you. Just like I won’t tell her how you are if I ever have the chance to write to her. You both need time apart.”

Max looked at Maria’s defeated form and realized she was right. He had been spoiled and selfish. Everyone else had been hurt and they had moved on. Somehow, he would find a way to move on, for Isabel and Michael, for Maria, for his son, for himself. Liz had believed in him the way she had believed in Alex, and he wouldn’t waste that. What was the point in her leaving if nothing good came out of it?

“Where do I begin?”

Maria looked up into Max’s eyes. There was still sadness, but a determination also swam in his depths. Had she gotten through? “I have the updated reports from the satellite feeds in the car.”

Max nodded. “Will you help me go through them?”

Maria smiled a real smile. “I would love to.” But she still had to know where they stood. “Max, are we okay? I didn’t want to be too hard on you and I’m still angry, but can we be friends?”

Max closed the distance between them and pulled Maria into a tight hug. “We will be again. I promise to work on it if you promise to kick me in the head if I get caught up in myself again.”

“Deal.” Maria broke away from him and together they set about the task of pinning down the most likely place for the Granolith.

posted on 9-Sep-2001 8:04:29 AM

posted on 9-Sep-2001 8:05:00 AM

Finding Yourself
Author: Cookieman aka Stacey
Email: Cookieman123@go.com
Category: M/L , but strong friendship themes with others L/K
Rating: PG 13 to NC 17, but you will be warned before those post
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a computer, some college debts and a vivid imagination
Author’s Note: This takes place after “Departure”. I know, I know, another Departure fic, right? Well, give me a try. The first few parts are trying to wrap up the mess left to us, so it might take me a few parts to get into it. In case you don’t know yet, feedback makes me post far quicker…

Finding Yourself
Part 14

Michael pushed his way through the Deluca household into the tidy kitchen, performing a juggling act with bags of groceries. As he slammed them down on the counter, he wondered when he’d become so domesticated. Somehow, two women not ruled his life. But he truthfully didn’t want it any other way. Amy had been so great about letting him stay with Maria, he’d wanted to do something for her. So, grocery shopping had seemed easy enough. How the hell was he supposed to know what shampoo they used? He’d grabbed the list off Amy’s fridge and knew he was in over his head from the minute he’d walked into the store.

Maria had begged for some alone time that morning, pushing him out the door in a way that had left no ruffled feathers. But she’d woken up in a strange mood, having seemed more aware than he’d seen her since Alex died. He dared not hope he had his Maria back. It had killed him to watch her sit back and take the recent events without a fight. His Maria was passionate and reckless. She wasn’t a planner, but a doer, often with an impulse that drove him mad. But he’d take that infuriating girl any day over the one with the heartache in her eyes.

The groceries forgotten, Michael turned towards Maria’s room, their room these days. He didn’t know how he’d fallen asleep every night without being able to hold her in his arms, and he didn’t know how anyone could expect him to again after being allowed the pleasure. Maybe after graduation, he could convince her to move in with him. Of course, he’d make it seem like it was her idea and put up initial resistance. But in the end, it wouldn’t matter whose idea it was, because he’d be able to hold her in his arms every night. For the hundredth time, Michael sympathized with Max. He wouldn’t be able to make it if he ever lost Maria.

With a quick knock, he pushed open her door, eyes scanning the room for her. With a frown, he noted that the room was empty.

“Maria?” He called out. Where the hell was she? He crossed to her bathroom and found it just as empty. Deep in thought, it took him a moment to notice the sheet of paper propped up on her pillow. Michael snatched at it, reading it greedily.

Michael,
Don’t be angry, but I’ve left. I woke up and didn’t like who I saw in the mirror. So, I’m off to kidnap Max. Don’t worry, we’re fine. And don’t let Isabel hunt us down just yet. Max and I need to work through a few things. Hopefully, we’ll be better friends for it. I love you.
Maria

Michael swore even as there was a knock at the door. Had he actually said he preferred impulsive Maria? A part of him hoped this kidnapping didn’t splinter the group even further. But somewhere deep inside, he knew that Maria was maybe the one who could get through to Max. None of them had even tried and he knew they had all taken the cowards way out.

The incessant knocking at the door made him turn towards it, swinging it open in frustration.

“Isabel? What’s wrong?” He ushered her inside quickly.

“Thank god you’re here! I’ve been trying to call you all day!”

“I was at the store. What is it?”

“Max is gone, Michael. I can’t find him anywhere. He was sleeping and when I went to check on him, he was gone. I’ve been all over town and there’s no sight of him. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

“Okay, first you need to calm down. I think I know where Max disappeared to.” He handed her Maria’s note and she read it quickly.

“Why the hell would she do something like that? We need to find them now. Who knows what she’s doing to him.”

“I would imagine she’s talking to him.” Something about Isabel’s tone of voice irked him. But he’d known her too long to take offense to her.

“You don’t understand, Michael. Max is at a difficult place right now. The last thing he needs is Maria hammering away at him.”

“First of all, you watch what you say about Maria. Second, Max isn’t the delicate flower you’re making him out to be. We’ve let him mope long enough.”

“What?” Isabel was stunned. If anyone would have taken her side, she was sure it would have been Michael. “How can you say that? God, you sound just like Kyle.”

“Well, maybe Kyle’s right. What have we got accomplished since Liz left? Nothing. Now, nothing against Liz, because I think she was right to leave town, but she is at the heart of all this. Since she left, Max has shut down.”

“Can you blame him? Look at what he’s been through this past year. What she put him through”

“Right, well look at what all of us have been through this past year. Let’s start with Liz, who found out Max was destined to be with Tess, so she gave him up. Then he pursues her only to have his future self come back in time to break them up. She pretends to sleep with Kyle, has to put up with us, and we were bastards to her, Isabel. Her reputation is ruined, her friendships at risk, and she did it anyway. Liz and Maria lost their best friend, who was murdered by one of us. And when Liz came to us, Max made everyone choose sides. I know you miss Alex, and I know Max misses Liz, but the rest of us were hurt too, Kyle and Maria most of all. And if Maria wants to get out of bed for the first time in months to go talk to Max, then I’m not going to stop her. It’s time we all started healing.”

Defeated, Isabel slumped onto the couch. That was almost identical to what Kyle had tried to tell her before. But she had ruined that friendship already, the only one she had left. “I can’t lose anyone else. I only wanted to help.”

Michael softened and knelt before her. “I know you did. But you have to stop now. We need to start looking for the Granolith again. Who knows how powerful it can be if the wrong people get a hold of it?”

“He’s absolutely right.”

Michael and Isabel looked up to find Max and Maria in the doorway. Isabel resisted the urge to run to Max and hug him tight. Maybe Michael was right. It was time for all of them to let go and move on.

Max stepped into the room, a large bundle of papers in his hands. Michael stood again and gave both of them a glance. “Everything okay here?”

Max nodded curtly. “It’s a work in progress.” He turned his head toward Maria and she smiled at him in agreement. They would be friends again someday.

“Maria and I talked and she made me realize that I’ve wasted too much time feeling sorry for myself. I can’t promise you that I’ll be a barrel of laughs, but I won’t go back to the person I have been the last few months. I owe each of you an apology for the way I’ve treated you. I know words can’t ever be enough, but I promise to be there for all of you no matter what.

Liz is gone and I can’t do anything to change that, or to make up the last year to her. But I can find my son and do everything in my power to give him a good chance at a life, whether that be here or on Antar. I don’t know what the next few months will hold, but they’ll probably be dangerous. I can’t even promise that when I find him, I’ll be able to stay on Earth. But I won’t ask any of you to come back with me. Liz was right. If she’d stayed, I wouldn’t have been able to make a choice between leaving her behind and possibly killing my son.” He looked around at the room’s occupants. “None of you have to help me. I’ll understand if I have to do this on my own, but I will do it. No matter what the cost.”

Maria nodded. “I’m in. I know I’m not much help, having no powers and all, but anything I can do, I will. It’s the least I can do for Liz.”

Max smiled at her in thanks. He didn’t deserve any support at all after all he’d put them through.

“If Maria’s in, I guess I’m automatically in too. Although, I may make you grovel for my forgiveness just for fun.” Michael grinned at Max, happy to have his old friend back again.

Max turned his gaze to Isabel. She turned sad eyes on him. “I owe you an apology too. I’ve been hovering, not letting you do what you needed to do. I was just so afraid of losing you too, I couldn’t stand it. Forgive me?”

Max leaned down to pull his sister into his arms. “You don’t have anything to apologize for. I love you, sis. And I may not have made it through those first few nights without you. So, no more crying, and no more apologizing, unless I’m the one doing it. We should call Kyle. Maria and I have been going over some of the more recent reports on the Granolith search.”

“Kyle isn’t interested.” Isabel spoke up quickly. “I talked to him already. He isn’t going to be coming to any more group meetings, or help us at all. He’s not on our side anymore.”

Max looked at Isabel in confusion. He thought the two of them had become friends. He would have to pull out what had happened, but not just yet. Some things were better left to sit for a few days and discussed with cool heads. “Okay, then let’s get down to business.” He started pulling out charts and satellite feeds, laying them out flat on the coffee table. “I think we need to do a bit more research first, but I think I have the location pinned down roughly.”

posted on 9-Sep-2001 8:05:29 AM

Finding Yourself
Author: Cookieman aka Stacey
Email: Cookieman123@go.com
Category: M/L , but strong friendship themes with others L/K
Rating: PG 13 to NC 17, but you will be warned before those post
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a computer, some college debts and a vivid imagination
Author’s Note: This takes place after “Departure”. I know, I know, another Departure fic, right? Well, give me a try. The first few parts are trying to wrap up the mess left to us, so it might take me a few parts to get into it. In case you don’t know yet, feedback makes me post far quicker…

Finding Yourself
Part 15

The front door burst open and Jim Valenti rushed through, dropping his things at the door to make a beeline for the living room.

“Okay, who’s winning, Kyle?” He called out as he removed his Stetson from his head and stepped into the living room. He stopped short at the sight of his son sitting stoicly on the sofa. “Kyle? What’s wrong? Did they cancel the game?”

“No, I mean I guess not. I never turned it on.” Kyle ran his fingers through his hair. “What time is it?” But he really didn’t care.

Jim examined his son carefully. Kyle wasn’t watching the game? There was trouble here somewhere. “Are you okay?”

Kyle’s gaze remained riveted to the floor. “Did you ever want to leave Roswell, Dad? And give me a real answer, not a parent answer.”

Jim took a seat, getting comfortable. He had an idea where this was going and he wanted to feed his son a lie. But they had taken an oath after Kyle had discovered the truth to always be honest with each other no matter how hard it was. “Yeah, there was a time when all I wanted was to get the hell out of this town and never look back.” Jim sighed at the memory, the longing to flee his hometown. “But you have to remember that your grandpa was Sheriff back then. He’d spent his every waking moment searching for the truth about aliens. He was as obsessed as I was two years ago with Max Evans. But you have to remember that everyone thought Dad was as crazy as a loon. I didn’t have many friends and most of the kids considered it a kind of sport to pick on me. So, yeah, I was ready to forget this town ever existed.”

Kyle had raised his head to watch his father’s features. He’d never heard this story before. “What happened? Why didn’t you travel, see the world like you wanted to?”

Jim nodded. “I was planning to. I guess I was about your age, maybe a bit younger, but I’d been saving every penny, waiting until the day I had the courage to do it. But the old man found out about it somehow, and we had the fight of all fights. I stormed out of the house, waited until I thought he’d be asleep so I could sneak back in and get my things.” Jim paused, lost in the memories of that night. “When I got back to the house, it was lit up with squad cars. He’d had a stroke after I’d left. I knew then it was my fault just like I still know it today. I’d said terrible things to him, about him. Things were never the same after that. We just couldn’t forgive each other.”

Kyle looked at his father in a new light. He’d always known there was a rift between them, but had never suspected how old the scars were. “So, that was it? You stayed?”

“Yes and no. I told myself I’d stay for a year, finish school, keep an eye on the old man. It wasn’t long after that I met your mother. She transferred into town and she changed my whole world. We eloped the day after graduation. She loved this town.” Jim smiled at the memory of how her eyes would light up when she was excited. He still saw so much of her in Kyle. “Dad had another stroke and had to retire soon after. Your mom persuaded me to join the sherrif’s office, work my way up the ranks. She knew I’d always wanted to, but never could while Dad was Sheriff. She said this town was meant to be run by the Valenti men.”

Kyle sat in silence a minute, missing his mother like never before. She’d been dead ten years now, but the Valenti men hadn’t forgotten how warm her presence or how bright her smile.

“You want to find Liz, don’t you?”

“It’s not like that, Dad.” Kyle was quick to reassure him, but wasn’t that exactly what this was about?

“It’s okay, Kyle. I was waiting for you to come to me about this. Actually, I thought you’d have come to me a week after Liz left. You have too much of your mother’s heart in you to let a friend disappear like that.”

Kyle took a deep breath. “It’s more than that. Yes, I want to find her, but I think I want to join her too.” Kyle observed his father’s blank expression and knew he’d gone into interrogation mode. He wouldn’t give anything away.

“You want to find Liz and live with her? Leave Roswell for good?”

“Yes.” Just stick to the answer. Don’t elaborate and don’t squirm under that tense stare. Was it getting warm in there? With a swear, Kyle continued on. He never have been able to beat his father in a match of wills. “It won’t be so bad really. I was planning to leave home in a six months anyway for college. And I can just enroll in High School wherever Liz is.” He paused, not knowing if he was getting through or not. “Dad, I have this feeling that she needs me, needs a friend. And I need to get out of this town.”

“I’m sure she’s made new friends where she is.”

“But how can she talk about what’s really bothering her with people that don’t know the big secret? And if she can’t talk it through, how’s she ever going to work it out and be okay? You do care about her, don’t you?”

“Of course I care about her, Kyle.” Jim struggled to keep his calm. “But I care about you more. How are you planning to live? Paying rent and utilities are expensive. And when will you study?”

“I don’t even study now. Okay, bad joke. But I thought about the money. I still have the trust fund Grandma left me. I know it’s supposed to be for college, but I’ve been offered full scholarships at a dozen schools and I can take any one of them and still have some of the trust fund money to rely on. I’m not gonna go crazy, Dad. And I’m not going to run away in the middle of the night either. And as for studying, I’ll be with Liz. Remember her? Valedictorian? You think she’ll let me get away with not studying?”

Jim felt the weight of his many years. His son was grown up. When the hell had that happened? And how could he try to keep him here when he could see the desire burning in his eyes? “Are you only going for Liz?”

“No. I’d like to say I’m being completely noble and selfless, but I want out too. This past year was too much, with Tess lying to our faces. I actually saw her kill Alex, I helped load his body in our car. Starting over where no body knows you sound slike the best idea I’ve ever heard. Liz just thought of it first.”

“What about your friends here, Kyle? You don’t want to graduate with them?”

“What friends? In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t have any besides the ‘I know an alien’ club. And they don’t really like me. They put up with me because I might come in handy, and so they’re closer to you.”

“What about Isabel? I thought you two were getting close.”

“Not anymore.” He still couldn’t think about Isabel. He’d really thought he’d found a kindred spirit in her. And maybe their paths would cross again someday, but he knew she wouldn’t want to see him for a while. And with her went his last friend in this town.

Jim ran a hand through his closely cropped hair. “This is crazy. You know that, right? You’re still in High School. You’re not even 18 yet.”

“Two weeks, Dad, and I’ll be 18. Besides, it’s just another day on the calendar to me. If I haven’t learned it yet, the odds are I’m not going to get any big life lessons in the next 2 weeks either.”

Jim cupped a hand on Kyle’s shoulder. “You’ve grown up so fast. I’m sorry for that. You’ve learned lessons no one should have to know.”

“That’s not your fault, Dad. I don’t want to fight with you and I don’t want a rift like you and Grandpa have, but I feel like I have to do this. I’m the only one that can go help her anyway. It took me awhile to figure out why Liz didn’t say goodbye to Maria, why she hasn’t even written her yet. If Liz had told Maria she wanted to leave town by herself, Maria wouldn’t have wanted to let her leave alone, and she would have had to decide between her best friend and the man she loves. Liz knew that and never gave Maria the chance to be noble. Liz has always been there for every one else. Maybe together we can make sense of things, figure out who we want to be when we grow up.”

“How are you even going to find her? She could be anywhere by now.”

Kyle saw through his father’s bluff with a grin. “See, I was thinking you could just tell me where she was and save me the trouble of going through all the same legwork you already did to find her.”

“What makes you think I know where Liz is?”

“C’mon, Dad. This is me you’re talking to. The only reason I didn’t run off and find Liz to make sure she was safe was because I knew you’d already done it. You would never have let her disappear. In fact, I’d be willing to bet you’ve already talked to the local police and have them driving by her apartment to check up on her.”

“Only for the first few weeks she was gone. Damn it, what was I supposed to do? Let her disappear without a trace? What if something happened to one of you or her parents? What if someone had followed her?”

Kyle grinned at his father,, the softie. “I knew she was in good hands. So, how is she doing? I know you went to see her a few weeks ago, so don’t bother hiding it.”

Jim let out a short laugh. “My son, the detective.”

“I’m a Sheriff’s son. You can’t put anything past our kind.”

“You’re damn right they can’t.” He was ridiculously proud his son had figured him out so well. He would make a fine Sheriff himself one day. If he chose it, of course. He had sworn years ago to Lily that he wouldn’t push Kyle into his profession. “Yeah, I went to see her. She’s in a small town in Arizona, Flat Creek. She had all of her transcripts moved there. She has a small apartment, a step above a roach motel. She never saw me, but she seemed settled. I watched her take pictures of a group of kids in the park.”

“So, she’s okay.” Kyle couldn’t explain why that made him ridiculous happy and relieved.

“Kyle, she may not want to see you, or anyone from Roswell.”

“Or maybe she needs one of us and is afraid to call.”

“You’ve made up your mind, haven’t you?”

Kyle nodded. “I have to do this. I have to leave. But I need you to understand and support me on this.”

Jim forced himself to meet Kyle’s eyes, the eyes of a man. He had raised him well, and he was ready to leave the nest. He was so much like himself at that age, Jim had to grin. How could he deny his son this one request when he knew how burning that desire was? He could say no, keep Kyle in Roswell just as he’d had to stay. And they just might end up regretting it. With a terrible pain in his heart, he made his decision. “If you do this, there are two conditions.” He saw the eagerness leap into his son’s eyes and knew he was making the right choice. Sometimes, you simply had to trust and let go.

“Condition one, wherever you go, be it alone or with Liz, I want to know. I’m talking common sense stuff. If you move, tell me before I call a disconnected number. I want to be able to get in touch with both you and Liz if I need to. You can tell her she has my word that I won’t tell a soul where she is unless she tells me to. Second, if either of you ever get into any kind of trouble, human or alien, I want you to call me. Can you live with those terms?”

Kyle nodded vigorously. He had no fears about leaving this town behind, no trepidations. The only thing he was leaving behind was his father. But he knew they would never lose touch. He was really going to do this. An excitement built up within him at the thought. There was so much he wanted to see and do. Would Liz be willing to join him? He hoped so. He had a feeling she would make an excellent traveling companion and he couldn’t wait to start. “When?”

Jim had hoped to be able to talk him into staying until his birthday, but he looked ready to pack his bags now. “Give me a week to get all the paperwork together and get you enrolled in the High School. If you can get everything squared away at school and with your trust fund, we can plan on next weekend.”

“Thanks, Dad.” Kyle pulled his father into hug and didn’t even mind when he clung to him a minute longer than usual. “You could have said no or made it hard for me.”

“What would that have gotten me? I like it better this way. Now, c’mon, let’s figure out when you’re bringing with you. I think your room would make a great pool room.”

posted on 9-Sep-2001 8:06:00 AM

Finding Yourself
Author: Cookieman aka Stacey
Email: Cookieman123@go.com
Category: M/L , but strong friendship themes with others L/K
Rating: PG 13 to NC 17, but you will be warned before those post
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a computer, some college debts and a vivid imagination
Author’s Note: This takes place after “Departure”. I know, I know, another Departure fic, right? Well, give me a try. The first few parts are trying to wrap up the mess left to us, so it might take me a few parts to get into it. In case you don’t know yet, feedback makes me post far quicker…

Finding Yourself
Part 16

Kyle managed to make it through the remainder of the weekend and a whole day and a half of school uneventfully. He had successfully been able to fill out all the paperwork necessary to transfer and had been wished well by al of his teachers as they signed their names to the documents that would grant him freedom.

His coaches had been a bit more difficult, as he was a star player on each team and he was leaving his football team in the middle of the season. He was also leaving vacant spots on the basketball and wrestling teams. Understandably, they were upset. But in the end, there was really nothing they could do. And they had written him glowing letters of recommendations for transfer onto another team.

And with each pen stroke, Kyle’s soul felt clearer. Everything had been taken care of. All that remained now was to face the people he had once thought of as friends, people that had gone out of their way to close ranks and exclude him from whatever it was they were plotting. He hoped for all their sakes that they were finally forming as a group again. And to be fair, he had gone out of his way to avoid them too. He hadn’t approached them and he had purposely spent his lunches in the busy quad, knowing they preferred the solitude of the bleachers to meet and plan.

But as the lunch bell rang and he headed for his usual spot, he cursed his luck. The entire gang was gathered in a deserted hallway, blocking his safe retreat. In a cowardly way, he hoped they continued to ignore him for the remainder of the week. Swearing at himself as to how crazy he sounded, he continued onward. Why was he afraid of them? Certainly not because he still cared about them. It had to be some other reason he couldn’t pinpoint.

Maria saw his path and broke away from her conversation with Michael. She’d been trying to find Kyle since Monday morning, but he’d been elusive. Isabel had told them they’d had a falling out and had asked not to include him in their meetings until she’d had a chance to apologize, but the rumors flying around were too insane to ignore. She met Kyle halfway, nervous though she couldn’t place why. Isabel began filing her nails, miffed that Kyle hadn’t tried to seek her out yet. How was she supposed to apologize if he was avoiding her? Max and Michael looked on with curiosity. They too had heard rumors around school.

“Hey, Kyle. I’m glad I found you. You wouldn’t believe the wild rumors flying around school. Pam Troy was saying you got in a fight with Coach Larson and he kicked you off the football team. But I know that’s crazy because you’re our only chance to beat the Devils in the big game next week. I told her so myself.”

Kyle smiled at Maria. Why had he been avoiding her? If he could count on no one else in Roswell, he could count on Maria, and by extension Michael he supposed. It was good to know who your lifelong friends were.

“That’s the best one I’ve heard so far. But it’s completely not true.” He watched her flash Michael an ‘I told you so’ smile, and he hated doing this to her. “Actually, I quit.”

Her eyes bulged. “You what? That’s crazy. Why would you quit right before the biggest game of the year? Go talk to Coach. He’ll understand. Just tell him you were on drugs and you were out of your mind.”

Despite the situation, Kyle’s grin widened. Had he thought he wouldn’t miss anyone? “Maria, it’s okay. There’s actually something I need to tell you. I’m leaving Roswell.”

Silence hung in the deserted hallway. “What?” Maria’s face was contorted by a mix of heartache and confusion. “You can’t leave Roswell. You belong here. And the Sheriff, what’s my mom supposed to do when he just picks up and leaves her?” Maria might not like the thought of them dating, but breaking her mother’s heart was out of the question.

“Dad’s staying here. I’m going by myself.”

“You’re going to find Liz, aren’t you?” Max spoke directly to Kyle for the first time in weeks.

“I already know where Liz is, but yes, that’s where I’m going.” Kyle forced himself to meet Max’s eyes, knowing he would find pain there. And frankly, it was getting old. He wasn’t the only one who had been hurt. When they met, Kyle found that Max’s eyes were still tortured, but not out of control anymore. Maybe they would be able to fix things here after all. But Kyle wouldn’t be around to see it. “Don’t worry, Dad will still be here to help you out.”

“To hell with your father, what about you? And Liz? How do you know she’ll even want to see you? What will you do then?” Isabel didn’t care that she wasn’t supposed to be talking to Kyle. He was leaving them too.

“That’s a chance I’m going to have to take. But I need out of here too.”

“When?” Maria wasn’t sure why she felt like she was going to cry again. She should be happy. Liz wasn’t going to be alone anymore. And no matter how stubborn her best friend was, Maria knew that Liz needed someone to talk to.

“Saturday. Look, let’s not make a big deal out of this. I’m not running away or anything. Dad will know where I am. And nothing will change for any of you. You don’t need me, you never did. You only put up with me because of Dad and because Tess used to drag me around everywhere. This really isn’t a big deal. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have things to finish up before I have to leave.” He pushed past them while he still could. Maybe he was leaving more behind than he’d convinced himself of.

The remainder of the day hadn’t gone much better. Somehow, word had leaked out that Kyle was transferring out of town and each class was filled with the well wishes of people he’d never talked to before. The sudden popularity surprised even him. He’d grown accustomed to popularity that stemmed from his sports abilities. But even this had become ridiculous.

He nearly bolted from class when the final bell rang, sprinting for the safety of his car. He was supposed to meet his father at the Crashdown for dinner and then he was free to spend another night packing, sifting through eighteen years of memories. He drove the short distance to the Crashdown and claimed a booth. He idly flipped through a menu as he waited for his father. He was probably still caught up in the burglary case. There wasn’t much real crime in Roswell, but when there was, Jim Valenti liked to sink his teeth into it.

A shadow fell across the table, and Kyle automatically flashed a smile, expecting his father to offer an apology for being late. Instead, he found himself looking up at the Parkers. Why the hell hadn't he thought about that?

“Mr. and Mrs. Parker, hi. I’m just waiting for my dad before we order.” Way to go, Valenti. He chided himself for sounding so lame. Why would they both come over to his table to take his order?

Nancy was wringing her hands, her eyes darting about nervously. “Kyle, we heard you were leaving town. Is that true?”

Kyle sighed and nodded. “Yes.”

“Are you-do you know-“ Jeff couldn’t figure out the best way to begin his sentence.

“Yes, I know where Liz is and I’m going to see her.” He took pity on the Parkers. They only wanted to know that their daughter was okay. “Look, I shouldn’t tell you this, but Dad has been checking up on her. He says she’s fine, safe. I just need to get out of this town too. I figured she could use a familiar face.”

Jeff nodded his head, having figured as much. “We know you won’t tell us where she is, but you’ll have to forgive us for asking. We lost our baby girl and we just want to hear her voice tell us she’s safe.”

Nancy pulled a creased envelope from her pocket and extended it towards Kyle. “Can you give this to her for us? At least she’ll know we’re not angry, that we miss her and love her and want her to come home.” She and Jeff had talked this through a hundred times. They could find her they knew. But she had specifically asked them not to, to give her the time she needed. And while they knew they had raised a strong and capable daughter, her heart was bleeding. And for the first time, they were powerless to help her. They also knew their daughter well enough to know she was stubborn and headstrong. And if they pushed her, she would run far away this time, and it might be years before they heard from her again, if ever. So, they had decided to wait her out, see what happened. But when news that Kyle Valenti was leaving town alone, they knew he would be going to find their daughter, and they had revised their plan.

Kyle nodded and took the envelope, not sure what to say.

Nancy pressed a hand to her mouth and fled the room, afraid she would do or say something that might cost her her daughter for good.

Jim came through the door in time to catch Nancy’s hasty departure. “She holding up okay?”

“Not really. Each day seems harder than the last. Look, Jim, I wanted to thank you for your help so far. Nancy and I knew you’ve gone above and beyond to keep an eye on Liz. It’s the only thing that’s kept us sane so far, knowing at least that she’s okay. And I just wanted to make sure you know what that means to us.”

Uncomfortable, Jim nodded. “Just doing my job.”

“No, you’re not, but thank you anyway. You’re always welcome here, and your money’s no good, both of you. Just so you know.” Jeff threw a last glance at Kyle. “Take care of her, and please ask her to call us.” Then he was gone, after his wife.

“I wish I knew I could have free food before I decided to leave town.” Kyle attempted humor, but it fell flat. The emotion weight of the letter he held was overpowering. He wondered how many times Mrs. Parker had folded and refolded the letter she had no doubt painstakingly written. Not wanting to think about it, he stuffed it in his pocket, turned to face his father. “Burglary case?”

Excitement jumped into Jim’s eyes. “You wouldn’t believe what they took. Oh, before I forget, keep Friday night open. I thought we could at least celebrate your birthday then.”

“Friday night. Got it.”

“Okay, so you know how the Phillips’ collect bird houses? You don’t know the half of it.”

Kyle sat back with a grin, enjoying the sound of his father’s voice for the little time he had left to hear it.

posted on 9-Sep-2001 8:09:02 AM

Finding Yourself
Author: Cookieman aka Stacey
Email: Cookieman123@go.com
Category: M/L , but strong friendship themes with others L/K
Rating: PG 13 to NC 17, but you will be warned before those post
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a computer, some college debts and a vivid imagination
Author’s Note: This takes place after “Departure”. I know, I know, another Departure fic, right? Well, give me a try. The first few parts are trying to wrap up the mess left to us, so it might take me a few parts to get into it. In case you don’t know yet, feedback makes me post far quicker…

Finding Yourself
Part 17

Saturday rolled around quicker than Kyle expected it to. His last week as a Roswell High student was over and done. He had survived the longest week of his life. He had survived the goodbye party they had thrown for him at school with a thousand of his supposedly closest friends. But he hadn’t been happy t see any of them except Maria and strangely Michael. He’d never really thought about the most difficult of the aliens, but the guy always told you what was on his mind. He didn’t lie unless you counted the few times he’d tried to push Maria away. And that had become the most important character trait he looked for in his friends.

He thought back to the conversation he’d had with Michael last night. He’d been pulled aside and wished good luck. To say Kyle had been surprised would be an understatement. He’d explained that Liz and Maria were sisters and Liz being gone was killing Maria. Michael was glad Kyle was going so Liz would have someone to watch her back and stop her from doing self-sacrificing acts of nobility. He’d said that if either of them ever needed anything, to call him. He’d come running no matte what, and without a word to anyone if necessary.

Kyle had thanked him for that, grateful to know he still had friends in this town. But then Michael had said something bizarre.

“He’s jealous of you, you know. That you have the freedom to pick up and go. That you know where she is and you can go to her and probably be accepted back into her life. And you’re completely human. In his eyes, she should be with you and not him.”

Kyle had shrugged it off, but Michael had remained insistent. “He’s not that bad of a guy. He’s just made some whopper mistakes, bad judgements of character. And he’ll pay for them for a long time coming. It’s kind of like when you thought we were all evil and out to get you, before you found out the truth when you were hunting us down like your father. We let you live and you turned out to be halfway decent.”

Michael had flashed him what almost could have been a grin. He had been kidding, he was pretty sure. At least he hoped so. You never could tell somedays.

He’d even been given a double surprise that night to arrive home and find a surprise birthday party waiting for him. His father, Amy and Maria had been on hand with a homemade cake, a happy birthday banner and a handful of presents. It had been nothing spectacular, but it had been one of the best memories he’d created in a long time.

But now it was Saturday morning. He was packed and ready to go and was only waiting for his father to return from the quick emergency at work he’d been called in on this morning. Kyle was all but bouncing with nervous energy. He was leaving Roswell behind today. He was off to find bigger and better things. It was nothing but open sky and uncharted paths ahead for him now.

Even when the doorbell rang, he was determined not to let his visitor spoil his good mood. But when the door opened to reveal Max Evans on his doorstep, he felt his cheerful disposition slip away.

“Evans, what can I do for you?”

Max acknowledged the barely contained anger he saw in Kyle’s eyes, knowing it had probably been there for month, but he’d been too blind to see. “Can I come in for a minute?”

Kyle opened the door wide, turning to retreat into the living room. Kyle remained on his feet, arms crossed over his chest and a hard look on his face.

Max recognized the stance from the many times the Sheriff had tried to intimidate him. He wondered if father and son knew how much they were alike.

“I’m here to apologize to you for every look, every word I ever said against you. You’ve been a friend all along, and I never knew. And I wanted to thank you for being there for Liz when I was too wrapped up in myself to be there. I just wanted you to know that before you left. Truth is, she should have stayed with you after she was shot. I’ve only brought her heartache.” The words almost lodged in his throat. The pain was too much to bear. Kyle Valenti was leaving Roswell to go after Liz and there was nothing he could do about it. He wanted to be the one she turned to. But she had tried, and he hadn’t been there for her. Now, it was time she turned to someone else.

“You’re right.” He swore at the look on Max’s face. What had he expected him to say? “Look, Evans, I know you’re used to having everyone tell you it’s not your fault and you’re being too hard on yourself. But I don’t think you’ve been hard enough. When Liz met you, she was a sweet, naïve, young girl with dreams and aspirations. She used to go on and on about them when we dated. Now, I may not have understood her, and I’m not saying Liz and I were meant to be together, but from the minute you healed her, she had stars in her eyes for you. And no matter what I said or did, I couldn’t get her to see that you were no good.

Since then, she has lied for you, put herself, her friends, and her family in danger. She has broken the law. And what does she get in return? The knowledge that no matter how much she loves you or what she does for you, your life, your destiny will always be linked to a murdering bitch that killed her best friend. So, if you’ve come here to ask me to tell Liz to come home, you’ve come to the wrong place.”

Max shook his head. He knew he had treated Liz like dirt and had taken advantage of her heart, but no one was going to cheapen the good times they had shared. “I know I corrupted Liz, but you don’t know a damn thing about what our relationship was like. Just being in the same room with her charged the air. I could feel her presence when she turned a corner and entered the same hall I was standing in. There was a time I saw into her soul and cherished what I found. I may have taken that for granted, but if I ever get the chance again, I swear it’ll be different.” He knew he was being wishy washy. When he came over here, he thought he knew what he was planning to say. He was going to try to let Liz go, to tell Kyle to let her know, but now he found that he couldn’t do it. He would always love her and would work everyday to become a better man using the lessons she had taught him.

“Why are you telling me this? What happened to the ‘I don’t deserve her’ speech you started out with?”

“I guess I changed my mind. She was right to leave. Both of us need time apart. But there was a time when I put her safety, her happiness over everything else. I’m telling you this because she’s going to look to you for an opinion and it might make or break our relationship.”

“You might have put her safety first the day you saved her life, but never did you put her happiness first. You let what everyone else thought turn you away and keep your distance.”

Max’s eyes hardened. “Who told you that?”

“Nobody had to. I had eyes.”

“Then I’ll tell you how it was. The reason I pushed her away was because I was scared, not because of Michael and Isabel. They harped on me for months, but I still went to Liz everyday. She made me feel things I’d never known were possible. Every power I had was amplified with her near me. Just touching her completed my soul and for the first time in either life, I felt complete. I might not be worthy of Elise’s love, but she chose me. Regardless of the rocky path and what it cost her.” Max was livid. How had he thought he could give up his other half? He would fight for her the way he had last time.

“What did you call her? Who’s Elise?” Kyle looked at Max strangely, his anger replaced by curiosity. “Is there someone else besides Tess you were involved with back home?” This guy was unbelievable. Not only did he have a wife, but he had a mistress too.

Max frowned. What had he been talking about? For a minute, he’d caught a flash of a girl, her giddy laugh and the warmth it brought to his heart. Could that possibly be a flash of someone on Antar? Had he left someone behind? He shoved the thought to the back of his mind. It was just one more puzzle.

“I think I should go.” He headed for the door solemnly. “If she asks, if she ever wants to know, tell her I miss her and no matter where I go, I’ll love her until the day I die.” Then he was out the door and Kyle was alone.

Confused and more that a bit worried, he tried to forget about Max. But there was something about his eyes when he’d been ranting. They had taken on a faint glow and he’d been sure Max was speaking not about Liz, but another girl in another lifetime. The big question was whether she’d pop up somewhere unexpected and pull the woman scorned routine and turn their lives upside down like Tess had. And what would this news do to Liz? He decided he simply wouldn’t tell her. Of course, if she point blank asked if he knew whether or not Max had a mistress on Antar, he would tell her the truth. But until that day came, he would keep that bit of information to himself.

posted on 9-Sep-2001 8:09:48 AM

Finding Yourself
Author: Cookieman aka Stacey
Email: Cookieman123@go.com
Category: M/L , but strong friendship themes with others L/K
Rating: PG 13 to NC 17, but you will be warned before those post
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a computer, some college debts and a vivid imagination
Author’s Note: This takes place after “Departure”. I know, I know, another Departure fic, right? Well, give me a try. The first few parts are trying to wrap up the mess left to us, so it might take me a few parts to get into it. In case you don’t know yet, feedback makes me post far quicker…

Finding Yourself
Part 18

Kyle had it all figured out by Monday morning. After the long drive Saturday, he had checked himself into the Waverly, a lovely rat trap of a motel that rented room weekly. It hadn’t taken him long to unpack, so he’d decided to hit the town, see some nightlife. And it took him no more than twenty minutes to discover that there was none. He had moved from a small town to another small town.

But he hadn’t let it discourage him. He found the local equivalent of the Crashdown, and had managed to make a few friends for school. And a very lovely redhead had been kind enough to show him the town highlights Sunday.

So, as he entered the hallowed halls of the local high school, a thrill raced through his body. Nobody here knew what he was like. He didn’t have to be the Sheriff’s son. He didn’t have to be Kyle, the Jock. He had a freedom here he could never know in Roswell, and he was going to enjoy every minute of it.

He found the front office without incident and patiently filled out paperwork, listening as the guidance counselor droned on about how much he was going to like the school. Idly, he wondered if she would turn out to be evil like his last guidance counselor, unconsciously cataloging her personality traits for future use. Then he caught what he was doing and smiled at his own thoughts. Yes, a break from Roswell was definitely what he needed.

Armed with a map and a class schedule, he found his first three classes and allowed each teacher to embarrass him by singling him out as a new student and introducing him. As if a town this small hadn’t figured out he was new. But he had played the part of the new kid, waving at the group, making small talk about aliens, graciously accepting offers to give him private lessons to catch up in class and be shown the town. By lunch, he had six dates set up. Oh yeah, this town had been a good move.

But as he progressed throughout the day, he had been searching for any sign of Liz. He hadn’t figured on having any classes with her since she had always been in more advanced classes, but he’d hoped to see her at lunch or at least in the halls. He had avoided asking anyone if they knew Liz, but just barely. He was dying to see her, how she was holding up.

Kyle had the whole scenario all but mapped out in his head. She would be angry at him for following her, thinking they didn’t trust her to be okay on her own. He knew enough about women in general and Liz in particular to count on that. Rather than try to force himself into her world, he would ignore her, let her be until she sought him out. She would know he was in town if she needed him, and that was enough.

So, as he entered his last class of the day, he gave up the hop of bumping into Liz accidentally. He would have to work out an accidental meeting somehow. He entered his art class and looked around in surprise. Two dozen easels were set up with empty canvases. Kyle swore. He had to actually paint in this class? At least it proved his theory that all guidance counselors were evil. He threw his bad beside the closest easel and took a seat on the wooden barstool. This was guaranteed to be pure hell.

He moped as the class filled up quickly. Of course, he didn’t recognize a single soul, and the seat next to him remained empty. An older man who obviously was the teacher entered the class and gently placed his art supplies near the front of the room. He clapped to get their attention, though it wasn’t necessary.

“Hello, my happy people! I trust you all had creative days today.”

There were collective groans and Kyle took solace in the fact that they all thought him to be as annoyingly chipper as he did.

“So, I’ve been told we have a new student in our midst.”

The door was flung open wide and the teacher flashed a fatherly smile at the late -comer.

“Great! You made it today! I can’t wait to see what sort of expressive things you’ll help us create today. Now, please grab a seat while I finish introducing our new student.”

Kyle struggled to see around the door. There was only one open seat left in the class and this person would be his partner. He made a quick wish for a sultry redhead, then the room stood still for a minute as Liz Parker came into view.

She was smiling at the teacher, looking around to find an open seat. Her dark hair had been cut to just brush her shoulders, and it made her look older. Or maybe that was the way she held herself now.

Liz scanned the room, a vague flutter of annoyance still haunting her. When was Josh going to learn that no matter how charming he tried to be, she wasn’t going to go out with him? Men could just be so smug. She was tired of the whole lot of them. Her eyes lighted on an empty seat to her left and when she saw the seat beside it already filled, she blinked hard, sure she was hallucinating. Kyle Valenti was sitting at an easel with a cocky grin on his face.

The teacher clapped his hands again as Liz found herself glued to the floor, staring at Kyle.

“Okay, as I was saying, we have a new student at James S. Marsters High School. And we all have the privilege of knowing him. Hello, Kyle and thank you for sharing your creative energy with us. You can call me Chris.”

“Not a problem.” Kyle gave a little wave to the rest of the room, ignoring Liz as she fumed silently from the doorway.

“Elizabeth,” Chris called out to her, oblivious to the mounting tension. “There is an empty seat near Kyle. Perhaps you can catch him up to speed for us.”

Having snapped out of the shock of seeing Kyle, Liz glared at him through slitted eyes. She took the empty chair, opening her mouth to no doubt yell at him. But Kyle was saved by their overly enthusiastic teacher.

“Okay, today we’re going to do something new and exciting. We’re going to learn to work in pairs. I’ve already taken the liberty of pairing off the room, so you are all sitting with your partners.”

Liz seethed inside as she half listened to Chris drone on about how the assignment was supposed to work. He had some nerve following her here. Hadn’t she specifically asked everyone to leave her alone for awhile? She didn’t need anyone checking up on her. She could take care of herself just fine. Did they think she was going to fall apart on her own? Or maybe crumble at the first sight of an old friend and go running back to Roswell? And why the hell would they send Kyle of all people?

It was another twenty minutes of frustration until Liz finally had a chance to face Kyle. They were supposed to be taking turns painting the same canvas, their subject a large bowl of grapes. Chris had been over a half dozen times already to check on the new student, and Kyle had insisted on engrossing him in conversation every time. Now, Liz noticed that he was preoccupied with a group in the front of the class and she pounced on Kyle.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing?” she hissed.

Kyle sighed as he attempted to paint the bowl of grapes. “I know it’s not the best painting in the world, but it’s not that bad. I think it might be the shading.” He studied the god-awful canvas a minute, pretending to be engrossed in his work.

“You know what I mean. What are you doing in Flat Creek?”

“Trying to get a good education. But I really think my guidance counselor is evil. And here I thought that was just a Roswell thing.”

“I don’t need you here to baby-sit me,” she stated between clenched teeth.\

“Nobody ever said you did. It’s not like I sought you out at all. Art class was the last place I expected to see you. You’re actually even worse at this than I am.”

“Then why did you come?” His whole demeanor was rubbing her wrong.

“To get the hell out of Roswell. You of all people should understand that. Do you think this needs more red?”

“I do-“ Liz stopped, snatching the paintbrush from Kyle’s hand to get his full attention. “I do understand. But why did you track me down and follow me here? You could have gone to a thousand other cities.”

Kyle calmly picked up another brush and coated it with red, returning to his masterpiece. “I figured if this place was good enough for you, then it would be good enough for me.”

“Kyle, I want you to leave. I don’t want you here.”

“Sorry, I already filled out my transfer papers. I’m not going through all that again for anything. Look, while we have a minute, there’s something I need to talk to you about.”

Liz’s face turned stony with her resolve. “I’m not going back.”

“Who said anything about going back? I was going to ask you to stay away from me. I mean, when people put two and two together and find out we’re from the same town and then we start hanging out all the time, they’re going to think we’re dating again. And, well, I’ve already been there and done that.” Kyle had to stifle the grin that wanted to spread. Liz’s face was priceless. “So, I think we’ll both have far better social lives if we can start completely from scratch. I know you understand. So, when we go seeing each other in the halls, just pretend you don’t know me. But I guess if you do ever need me, I’m at the Waverly. Just make sure you call first. It’s my first time having a place of my own, if you know what I mean.”

Liz stared at Kyle with her mouth all but hanging open. Was he for real? The bell sounded and Chris called out to the class.

“Just leave your masterpieces where they are and I’ll see you all tomorrow. Have a creative day!”

“See ya!” Kyle picked up his bag and bolted through the door.

Liz sat in her seat while the class piled out slowly. What had just happened? Was Kyle being serious? No. He had to be tricking her in some way. This was some strange ploy to get her to go back to Roswell. It was a good tactic sending Kyle to confuse her. But it wouldn’t work. He had caught her off guard today, but tomorrow would be different. Kyle Valenti hadn’t met the new Liz Parker yet. She was a mean, take charge, non-doormat. And it was time the Roswell gang learned that.

posted on 9-Sep-2001 8:10:19 AM

posted on 9-Sep-2001 8:10:49 AM

posted on 9-Sep-2001 8:11:23 AM

Finding Yourself
Author: Cookieman aka Stacey
Email: [mail] Cookieman123@go.com [/mail]
Category: M/L , but strong friendship themes with others L/K
Rating: PG 13 to NC 17, but you will be warned before those post
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a computer, some college debts and a vivid imagination
Author’s Note: This takes place after “Departure”. I know, I know, another Departure fic, right? Well, give me a try. The first few parts are trying to wrap up the mess left to us, so it might take me a few parts to get into it. In case you don’t know yet, feedback makes me post far quicker…

Finding Yourself
Part 21

In the short time since Liz had left Roswell, she had already discovered a few things about herself. She knew that she could make it on her own. She knew she could make friends wherever she went. She knew that she liked who she was. She knew that while she missed her friends and family, she didn’t need them on a daily basis to survive. And she knew now that Kyle Valenti had come to Flat Creek to drive her crazy.

The days following Kyle’s arrival at school had flown by, and try as she might, it was becoming increasingly harder to ignore her old friend. True to his word, he hadn’t sought her out. In fact, he had gone out of his way to stay away from her. But Liz wasn’t stupid. She knew it was all part of some sort of plot, but to what end she still hadn’t figured out.

Still, everywhere she went, he seemed to be there. With the Senior year rapidly coming to an end, it was her official job to record their final days on film. And somehow, after only a few days of attendance, Kyle was already one of the most popular people in the school. It hadn’t really surprised Liz though. Kyle really was a good person. He was likable and had a dead on sense of humor, and women really went for his athletic abilities. But Liz knew something was up. She might not have even minded having him there as much if she could believe that he really wasn’t trying to drag her home. But she knew otherwise.

So, now as she lugged her school borrowed camera equipment down to the gym to catch some candids for the yearbook, she tried to push Kyle out of her mind. She had no reason to think about him. None at all.

But as she pushed open the doors to the small gym, her eyes were immediately drawn to the crowd of women all but swooning over the basketball players. And she had instinctively known that Kyle was among the players. Perhaps she set down her equipment a bit harder than she should have, but she was able to load the camera without any mishaps and Liz considered that a good thing.

As she moved silently around the room, snapping off shots at random, she was able to let go of her sour mood. As usual, she was sucked into the lives of the people she photographed. It was one of the reasons she had been given the job of photographer, that and her grandmother’s name. Liz had inherited her photography skills from her grandmother and it made her smile to think about what her grandmother would say if she saw her now.

Liz was able to walk into the school and snap pictures that no one else would see. Most of the shots they already had were of couples that had been together since birth, and group shots of the same people over and over. But Liz had seen the people behind the masks they wore, and had been able to catch people in private moments that saw into their true personalities, and to where true beauty came from.

She clicked away now, catching a couple of cheerleaders giggling on the bleachers with a few members of the chess club she recognized. She caught a few basketball shots as the players hustled together on the court, and a few more of the girls who cheered them on. She caught sight of the gym coach chatting with one of the star players in a corner and immortalized them on film. She shot the lonely and the crowded alike. Not only the most popular and well liked would be remembered in this years’ yearbook. Sometimes, the best people stayed well hidden in the shadows, or behind trees.

That thought made her pause as her mind drifted to places it shouldn’t. She was only here to finish off a few more roles of film. Why couldn’t she go a whole hour without still thinking about Max? It was crazy.

Her eyes lifted from where her hands had been idly fiddling with her camera to rest on Kyle’s soft eyes. Was that pity she saw in his gaze? Well, she didn’t need it. She was just fine before he came along, and she would be just fine after he had gotten bored with her and left. Upset at the turn her temper had taken, she began shoving her equipment back in her bag. But she still knew the exact moment Kyle broke away from his group and jogged her way.

Kyle swore at himself even as he continued towards Liz. This was certainly the last thing she needed, but he couldn’t help himself. She had looked so lost there for a minute, he was sure she had been thinking about home. And Liz didn’t deserve the sadness he saw in her eyes. She didn’t deserve the loneliness that came from not having anyone you loved around to help the days go by. And that was certainly something he knew something about these days. And maybe, just maybe, seeing his face wouldn’t make her quite so homesick. Hell, he was no Max Evans, but he could be a friend.

So, here he was, jogging towards her as she violently jammed things back in her bag. Oh yeah, he was definitely stupid for doing this. But it was too late to turn back.

“Hey, Parker. You okay?”

“Just fine, Kyle. Go away.”

He raised both hands in a defensive gesture. “Whoa there. I just said a friendly hello. I even quit my game to see if you were okay.”

“Well, I don’t need your help. I’m just fine. So, you can go back to flexing your muscles for the whole school to see and be impressed by. But I’m not buying it.” She wasn’t sure why she was still talking to him, or why she was so angry, but she went with it, feeling better as the words poured out.

Kyle blinked hard. He wasn’t expecting personal attacks, but maybe he should have. “What aren’t you buying?”

Liz stopped her movements to meet Kyle eye to eye. “I’m not buying the concerned friend act. I don’t buy that you dropped out of school and left town to chase after me just to see if I needed a shoulder to cry on. I don’t buy that you weren’t sent here to drag me back to Roswell. Tell me, who was it? My parents? Maria? Max? Or was it your dad?”

“Now wait a damn minute.” Kyle’s back was up. You just didn’t drag his father into this mess. He’d done nothing but be understanding and wonderful. “I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about, Liz. Nobody sent me after you. You made a decision and left town. Everyone else has done nothing but respect that so far. Even though it damn near drove everyone mad not knowing what happened to you. Yes, they were all hurt and concerned, but they trusted you to know what you were doing. And when I told them I was leaving too, they told me you wouldn’t want to see me, but I didn’t listen. Because in the back of my head, I was thinking about how hard it is to deal with all this Czechoslovakian crap alone. I know. I dealt with it all last summer by myself. And it screwed with my head.”

“I’m not you, Kyle. I can take care of myself. I don’t need you babysitting me.”

“Because I’ve been following you around since I got here? What I told you before was true. I did need to get out of Roswell. You’re not the only one with bad memories of that place. But I figured maybe together, we could start over and still have someone to talk to when the world doesn’t make any sense. I know you have new friends here, and I’m glad you do. But can you tell them the reason you’re upset is because your Czech boyfriend slept with his wife and conceived a child after she murdered your best friend? And if you can’t talk about it, then how are you ever going to make sense of it?”

Liz was shaking with anger. Never before had she had a stronger urge to hit someone. “How dare you. You have no idea what my life is like, then or now. How do you think it felt to see them together, knowing I had pushed them there? Knowing that maybe if I hadn’t pretended to sleep with you, then maybe Alex would be alive today? My life was a mess in Roswell. I didn’t like who I was, or how I was ignored when I tried to explain how I felt. And you stand there and tell me what I do or don’t need to talk about and how to make it better? What if it can’t be made better? What if talking about it only makes it worse until it’s all I can think about? What if I’ve been having nightmares since you came here? I can’t get it all out of my head. It just swirls around up there, replaying every minute to see if I could have done something different. And I can’t do it anymore.”

Kyle shook his head, knowing he’d already screwed up any chance he’d had of being friends with Liz again. And it hurt more than he thought it would. “My intention wasn’t to hurt you by coming here. I’m sorry that it seems to be doing just that. I really thought you’d want a friendly face around. Obviously I was wrong. So, I’ll just leave you to your brand new life where you don’t ever have to think about the people you left behind that still love you and would like to know that you’re still alive and okay. Because when you left, you were borderline suicidal. How would you feel if it were Maria? If Michael and Isabel had slept together and conceived a child and then she ran off in the middle of the night? You’d be worried, scared. And so were we. I know we weren’t the best of friends before, but I tried.

I’m not here to drag you home, Liz. Do whatever the hell you want. You can obviously take care of yourself and you don’t need me. But if you do nothing else, just tell them you’re okay. That’s all they need. Then you can disappear again if you want and never think about Roswell, New Mexico again in your life. You can make a hundred new friends, and I hope your life is long and happy and free from words like ‘destiny’. But I thought you were more of a fighter than that. The Liz Parker I knew wouldn’t run from herself like that. She would stand tall and face her demons and vanquish her nightmares from sheer will alone. You are the strongest person I’ve ever known. And I know things were unbearable and you were more alone in Roswell than you could ever be here. But I thought I could make that up to you, be here if you decided to talk about things. Again, I’m sorry. I promise you won’t have to worry about me bothering you anymore. I just wanted to see for myself that you’re okay. And you obviously will be if I leave you alone. So, goodbye.”

Kyle pushed past her and out the gym doors into the locker room, leaving Liz standing alone. Around her the gym noise continued and she could only wonder at what had just happened.

posted on 9-Sep-2001 8:11:54 AM

Finding Yourself
Author: Cookieman aka Stacey
Email: [mail] Cookieman123@go.com [/mail]
Category: M/L , but strong friendship themes with others L/K
Rating: PG 13 to NC 17, but you will be warned before those post
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a computer, some college debts and a vivid imagination
Author’s Note: This takes place after “Departure”. I know, I know, another Departure fic, right? Well, give me a try. The first few parts are trying to wrap up the mess left to us, so it might take me a few parts to get into it. In case you don’t know yet, feedback makes me post far quicker…

Finding Yourself
Part 22

The Halloween party was in full swing by the time Liz arrived. She had been out of it all day since she and Kyle had yelled at each other earlier in the gym. She had dreaded art class all afternoon, but Kyle hadn’t showed up. That had been the thing that upset her the most. Sure, she didn’t talk to him and he infuriated her on purpose, but it had been oddly comforting to know he was there. And she found that she had missed his presence. Then she had gotten dressed and had looked at herself in the mirror for a half hour before cursing herself for being a coward. Of course she could wear the costume. The old Liz Parker might have felt self-conscious, but the new Liz was fearless.

So, now she stood in the throng of people wearing a bunny suit, and feeling mildly foolish. She took a deep breath and hefted her camera bag on her shoulder. She would just find Mel and things would be okay.

Mel lounged easily against the wall, sipping whatever punch was in the large bowl. She’d be willing to bet everything she had it was spiked, but she didn’t care.

“Well, look who I found. Good evening, lovely Mel.”

Mel raised her eyes to her visitor, a smile forced onto her lips. But when her eyes met on Kyle Valenti’s form, she couldn’t contain her laughter.

”Hey there, Tiger. Nice costume.”

Kyle glanced down at the white Elvis costume that clothed his body. There was a large cut down the top, showing off a well muscled chest. He was even wearing a pair of spangled sunglasses and a dark black wig. “What? You have something against Elvis?”

“Not a thing until now.”

“You’re stepping all over my pride here. So, what are you supposed to be? A non-participating member of society?”

Mel felt herself relaxing around Kyle. He really wasn’t so bad, if you could get past the swaggering arrogance. “Actually, I was trying for ‘Dragged not of my own free will’.”

Kyle nodded. “Yeah, I’ve worn that mask before. But it was never Halloween. So, what are you doing here?”

“Waiting for Liz. We’re supposed to be taking pictures for the yearbook and the newspaper.” She saw his eyes cloud over for a minute, and she wondered why. They usually avoided each other, but this was different.

“Yearbook, huh? Should I be nice to you if I want my face plastered all over every page?” He leaned in close, his usual leer on his face.

“Please, do you really think the student body wants that ugly mug on every page of their yearbook?”

But Kyle took no offense. He really liked this girl. She was the only person he’d ever found, besides Maria who could match him barb for barb. And Maria was the closest thing to a sister he had. No, this was different. “You just haven’t been privy to the Valenti charm yet. I’ll use it on you one day and you’ll swoon at my feet.”

“Fall down laughing is more like it.”

“You just want me to say something to you in my Elvis accent, don’t you?”

Mel laughed, a hearty chuckle she hadn’t done in years. “Please don’t.”

But the light mood was broken. Kyle was looking over Mel’s shoulder and something he saw sobered his features.

“Look, I’ve got to go. You keep working that costume. If you want people to think you’re not having a good time, you’d better stop smiling.”

But as Mel watched, confused, he was backing away into the crowd until he disappeared completely. A moment later, Liz appeared at her side.

“There you are! I’ve been looking everywhere for you. Where’s your costume?”

Mel eyed Liz’s leotard and fishnet stockings with a grin. “What are you wearing? Are you a playboy bunny?”

“No! I’m just a bunny.” Liz self-consciously adjusted her ears. She refused to be embarrassed.

“Do you have a tail?” Mel craned her head around to Liz’s backside, erupting in laughter at seeing the cottontail pasted firmly to her butt.

“Okay, are you planning on helping me, or what?”

“Okay, okay, sorry. Just let me get a picture of you in that outfit, alright? It’s priceless.”

Three hours later, the two girls were sitting at an empty table as the party died out around them. They had recorded every last minute and they were positive they had some wonderful shots to develop later. Liz had even managed to have some fun, and hadn’t minded the cat calls she’d received when she interrupted occasionally to take a picture. But through it all, her mind had been elsewhere, back in the gym with Kyle. Because sometime today, a terrible thought had worked it’s way into her mind. What if Kyle really hadn’t come back to bring her home?

“Alright, are you gonna spill it, or what?”

“Spill what?” Liz sipped her soda, leery of the punchbowl’s contents.

“Whatever’s been on your mind all day. You’ve barely said two words to me.”

Liz sighed. “I sort of had this fight with Kyle earlier.”

“So, what’s new about that? You two fight all the time.”

“No, this was different. I think…I think I may have made a mistake.” And she felt better for having said it outloud.

“About Kyle? Look, I know there’s more going on than you’re telling me, and that’s fine. But if you want to talk about it, I’m here.” She shrugged her shoulders, trying to be flippant, but she really wanted her new friend to confide in her. Throughout all the moves she’d done in her life, Liz was the best person she’d ever met and she really wanted to be considered a friend.

“We did know each other in Roswell. And I thought…I ran away in the middle of the night. There were things, too many things going on, and I had to leave.”

Mel frowned. This was the first time Liz had ever talked about Roswell. “Did you say goodbye to anyone?”

“Only one person. And when Kyle showed up here, I thought he was trying to get me to go home.”

Now the animosity was starting to make sense. “And he isn’t?”

“I don’t know now. He says he isn’t, but I don’t know what to think.”

“Well, it sounds to me like you two need to have a talk. It’s the only way to clear the air. You two were friends before?”

Liz nodded. “Yeah. I guess you’re right.” Not wanting to ruin the party mood, Liz forced herself to cheer up. Tomorrow was Friday. She would talk to him before his first class. “So, I think Derek Jones had his eye on you all night.”

“What? Are you out of your mind? Why would you even bring something like that up? He’s a jock. Do I look like the type to fall for a jock?

Grinning at her friend, Liz pretended to examine her. She was wearing her usual leather pants and a black top. Her wild hair tumbled around her neck making her look casually sexy, hoop earrings dangling at her ears. “Yeah, I don’t know what he would see in you anyway. I mean, why go for the supermodel type when he could have a wallflower like me?”

“Wallflower? Now I know you’re crazy. In case all the mirrors in your apartment are broken, let me assure you, the bunny suit, it does wonders to the male imagination.”

“Really?” Liz wrinkled her nose in thought.

“Trust me. I think it’s the tail. Men are suckers for things like that. Besides, I distinctly heard Josh asking about you.”

Liz moaned. “When is he going to take a hint?”

Mel laughed good naturedly, throwing her arm around Liz’s shoulder. “I don’t get it either. Why would he go for a wallflower like you when the supermodel best friend is around?”

“I’ll let you borrow the bunny suit. Maybe it can break you out of your dating drought.”

“Oh, I’m fine with my single status. There’s no need to change that.” No need at all. She didn’t need a man around to fill up her time or tell her what she could or couldn’t do or wear. But unbidden, Kyle Valenti’s face filled her mind, his lip curled up in an Elvis sneer. And she smiled. Maybe she would check out his Elvis accent sometime. It couldn’t hurt.

posted on 9-Sep-2001 8:12:26 AM

Finding Yourself
Author: Cookieman aka Stacey
Email: [mail] Cookieman123@go.com [/mail]
Category: M/L , but strong friendship themes with others L/K
Rating: PG 13 to NC 17, but you will be warned before those post
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a computer, some college debts and a vivid imagination
Author’s Note: This takes place after “Departure”. I know, I know, another Departure fic, right? Well, give me a try. The first few parts are trying to wrap up the mess left to us, so it might take me a few parts to get into it. In case you don’t know yet, feedback makes me post far quicker…

Finding Yourself
Part 23

Liz woke up early Friday morning in a better mood than she’d had all week. And she hadn’t had a single nightmare. That alone convinced her that talking to Kyle was the right thing to do. She arrived early, waiting by his locker for him to show up.

But when he still hadn’t shown up by the time the late bell rang, she was frowning in thought. Kyle was never late for school.

During homeroom, she used her contacts in the front office to get Kyle’s schedule, feeding them a story about tracking him down for pictures. So, when she checked in on his second and third classes and still found nothing, a part of her worried. It was unnecessary, she knew. Kyle was more than capable of taking care of himself, but he was skipping class his first week.

Kyle was usually the picture of health. In fact, he never even missed class back in Roswell, not for the flu or a vacation. No, as Liz thought about it, she realized that wasn’t right. Kyle did take off one day a year. It was a ritual he’d told her about once. Every year, he and his father would take the day and bond. They would fish, or play basketball, or go to the batting cages. It was something they did religiously every year on…Kyle’s birthday.

Glancing at the date on her watch, Liz swore. Today was Kyle’s birthday. And he was all alone in a town where the only person who knew him wasn’t talking to him.

Liz sighed heavily as her History teacher droned on about the Civil War. She’d done a lot of thinking last night. Although she was still angry he’d followed her against her wishes, she did understand that he was still worried about her.

By the time the bell for lunch rang, she had a plan. If possible, Flat Creek was even smaller than Roswell. So, she knew exactly where Kyle had gone. She slipped from the school unnoticed and made the short trip home to deposit her books.

She set out on foot with plenty of time for a quick stop at the grocery store. The walk to the sports pavilion would take her a bit longer, but she didn’t mind the walk. It would give her time to put her thoughts in order.

Kyle felt the satisfying crack as the ball connected with his bat. That one would have been a double at least. He stretched his shoulders before resuming batting position. It felt good to be exerting his muscles again. He’d already talked to the football coach this week. He was trying to get his records transferred and the coach had promised to take a look at him next week. But until then, he didn’t have free roam of the school gym.

He’d woken up that morning feeling more than a bit sorry for himself and he couldn’t bring himself to go to school. He knew how bad it looked, but he just didn’t care. He found that he missed his father’s presence more than he thought he would have.

Another ball came zooming towards him and he let his anger and frustration drive the bat. There was another crack and the ball hit the back net with the same force the others had suffered.

“That looked like a home run.”

Kyle turned quickly, startled by the intrusion. Liz was standing on the other side of the fence, a paper bag clutched in one hand. He couldn’t explain it, but he felt a bit better just having her there.

“More like a triple.” He resumed his position and sent another ball flying. “What are you doing here, Liz? Don’t you have class?”

“I could ask you the same question.”

Kyle shrugged. “I’m taking a self pity day.”

“I see.” Liz paused, feeling like it wasn’t her place to be doing this, but pushed on anyway. Kyle had come unannounced into her life and she might as well do the same. “I’m sure your dad would have come if you’d asked him too.”

Liz’s soft words cracked the wall around his heart he’d spent all last night building. Of course Liz would remember his birthday. The next ball whizzed by his head, but he made no more to hit it. Instead, he slowly turned to look at her for the first time.

“Is that why you’re here? You felt sorry for me?”

Liz licked her lips nervously. “No. I was going to talk to you today, but you never showed up. Can we go somewhere for a few minutes?”

Wordlessly, Kyle exited the batting caged and gestured towards an empty picnic table. They settled across from each other and for a moment, neither knew what to say.

Unable to take the silence any longer, Liz took a deep breath and began. “I may have been too hard on you.”

Kyle’s lips curved into a grin. “Is that an apology? Not that you need to give me one, but if it is, it needs some work.”

Liz found herself smiling back at him. “Well, it’s not really an apology, but it is. I’m still really upset that you followed me when all I asked was for some time alone to work through things. But I understand why you thought you could help me. You made some good points yesterday. You were right. I’m not dealing with any of it, but running away. And maybe – maybe talking it through sometimes, now that I have some distance, might help me. A little.”

Kyle’s grin couldn’t be contained. “Are you trying to say you need me without hindering your progress as an independent woman?”

“Maybe.” She knew she had to get it all out. “When I first saw you, I knew you’d come to get me, to take me back to Roswell. And I was wrong to just assume that. For that alone, I’m sorry.”

“Well, then I apologize for showing up unannounced. I know it threw you but I didn’t know how to prevent it. Life in Roswell was just short of unbearable, and I thought that since I was leaving, I might be able to do some good here. Maybe we could hear each other out. I don’t want to talk about Tess either, but I think that if I don’t, if we don’t, then it gives her more power. And if she did nothing else, she taught me that there are only a handful of people that I trust with my life. And you’ve always been one of them.”

Laying her hand on top of Kyle’s, she smiled. “You’re right. I left to become a better person, a person who isn’t afraid to face the monsters in the dark. I’m still kind of angry though.” She forced a stern expression on her face. “You’re not completely forgiven.”

“I would expect nothing less.”

“But I have to admit that I was a little happy to see a friendly face again.”

“Well, while you’re still angry with me, I should probably give this to you now.” Kyle reached into his pocket to retrieve a creased and worn envelope. He slid it across the table at her. She made no move for it, but he hadn’t expected her to.

“Your parents asked me to give it to you. I’ve had it in my pocket all week, hoping there would be a perfect moment to give it to you. But I don’t think there ever will be. You don’t have to read it. I just wanted you to have it.”

Liz found herself unable to pull her eyes from the envelope. What did her parents think of her? Not knowing was almost easier.

“Are they…angry with me?”

Kyle shook his head. “No. They’re worried and they’re sad, but they’re not angry.”

Liz nodded, determined not to cry. She quickly pocketed the envelope. She would read it later. Maybe tomorrow, just not right now.

She forced a smile back onto her face, forcing herself to meet Kyle’s eyes. “So, I have something for you. It’s not much, but an 18th birthday shouldn’t go uncelebrated.”

Kyle watched in amazement as Liz pulled a small chocolate cake from the brown bag she carried. He’d seen the emotions she’d felt at holding that letter, and now she was trying to make sure he wasn’t alone on his birthday. His respect for her raised another notch, proving that she was without a doubt the strongest person he’d ever known.

She lighted a silly looking circus clown candle and then presented it to him. “I’m not singing,” she informed him.

“C’mon, just one verse?”

“Forget it. Are you gonna make a wish or what?”

“I’m getting to it. Anyone ever tell you you’re kinda pushy?”

“It’s the new me. I’m pushy and mean.” She dragged a finger through the icing on one side, tasting it.

“I noticed. You wanna quit that? This is my cake, you know.”

“You’re taking too long.”

Kyle took a deep breath and blew out the candle, afraid she would dig into the cake before he had a chance to stop her.

Liz cut the small cake into two pieces and passed one to him. The cake was dry and the icing a bit too sweet, but as Liz made a face at him from across the table and flicked a forkful of icing at him, he decided it was the best cake he’d ever had.

They spent the remainder of the afternoon at the sports park, Liz claiming she owed Kyle at least a round at the batting cages for interrupting him earlier. Then, she let Kyle try to show her the basics of batting. She’d failed marvelously, only connecting a single time, but they both managed to have a better time than they had in ages.

Afterward, Kyle insisted on driving her home, upset she’d walked all the way alone. Once outside of her apartment, Liz felt a bit anxious. She really didn’t want to invite him up, not quite ready for that level of intimacy with him. But Kyle seemed to understand.

“So, I’ll see you Monday at school? Maybe we can say hi when we pass in the halls now?”

He was making fun on her and she knew it. “If I’m in a good mood. Listen, Kyle, are you still looking for a job?”

Kyle didn’t even want to know how she knew he was looking. “Yeah.”

“Well, I’m working tomorrow in the park. The Baseball Little Leaguers have a game tomorrow and they hired me to film it. The coach is retiring after the season and they’re looking for an assistant in the meantime. They’ll probably get bumped up when he retires. I could introduce you if you want.”

“Are you kidding? That would be great!”

Liz sighed in relief. “Do you know where the park is?”

“Large patch of green in the middle of town? Yeah, I got it.”

“The game starts at one. If you show up early, maybe you can help.”

“I’ll be there.” When Liz made a move to get out of the car, Kyle placed a hand on her arm. She looked at him questioningly. “Thank you,” he said simply.

Liz nodded. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Happy Birthday, Kyle.” She climbed out of the car, watching as Kyle sped away into the distance. Her heart felt lighter, more at ease. She knew it was still a long road, but maybe she didn’t always have to travel it alone.

posted on 16-Sep-2001 9:27:25 AM

Finding Yourself
Author: Cookieman aka Stacey
Email: [mail] Cookieman123@go.com [/mail]
Category: M/L , but strong friendship themes with others L/K
Rating: PG 13 to R for language mostly
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a computer, some college debts and a vivid imagination
Author’s Note: This takes place after “Departure”. I know, I know, another Departure fic, right? Well, give me a try. The first few parts are trying to wrap up the mess left to us, so it might take me a few parts to get into it. In case you don’t know yet, feedback makes me post far quicker…

Finding Yourself
Part 24

Kyle arrived at the park early the next afternoon, anxious about the day’s events. Would he really get the chance to be a little league coach? He’d been applying for job after job with no luck so far. To think he could get one that he would actually enjoy would be a dream.

So, as he parked his car and jogged through the park, he scanned it for Liz. When he finally spotted her dark hair, he stopped a minute and watched her with a smile. The kids were already there, practicing in their crisp uniforms. Liz was all over the field, snapping an endless stream of candid shots. Occasionally, she would stop to talk to one of the children and they would throw their arms around each other to pose for the camera. Kids were just natural hams, he supposed. And some of them never did quite grow out of it.

Unable to resist, he closed the distance between them, jumping in front of her camera.

“My left side is really my best side.”

Liz couldn’t help but grin when his face filled her viewfinder.

“People like you don’t have bad sides.” On impulse, she took a few shots, then lowered her camera. “C’mon, I’ll introduce you.”

Kyle found himself being dragged to the dugout where an energetic looking older man was speaking with several parents. He broke away, smiling when he saw them coming.

“Liz! Have you come to take my picture? I tried to look especially spiffy today when the parents told me what they’d done.”

Liz grinned at him, reminded of her own grandfather. “I’ll make sure I squeeze you into a few shots. But I wanted to introduce you to someone. Coach Jackson, Kyle Valenti. He just transferred last week.”

“Did you bring me a job applicant?” But he was studying Kyle, sizing him up as he spoke.

“It’s nice to meet you.” Kyle held out his hand and was met with a firm handshake.

“Likewise. Tell me about yourself, Valenti.” The boy had a firm grip and the build of a fine athlete. He would do quite well.

“Captain of the Varsity squad, All Stars, we were first in our division last year.”

Liz listened with a grin as they discussed batting averages. She could tell Coach Jackson liked Kyle.

“I’ll tell you what, Valenti. This game today is against our county rival, the Tigers. You help me win today and you’ve got yourself a job.”

“Strange, but fair.”

Liz watched as the two men shook hands and headed for the dugout, already discussing strategy. She shook her head at the pair and reloaded her camera as the children took their places on the field.

Three hours and two dozen rolls of film later, the Flat Creek Tornados had defended their school’s price and Kyle Valenti had himself a new job.

Liz had hung back after the game, speaking with some of the parents who had hired her. She’d given them the information they requested on how and when to expect their pictures back. But really, she was watching Kyle and Coach Jackson. Finally, when the parents had claimed their children and cleared out, the Coach called Liz over.

“Liz, I owe you for bringing Valenti here to my attention.”

“So, he has the job?”

“Not only the baseball team, but I’m using him for every other team sport we have!” He clapped Kyle on the back. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He tipped his baseball cap at Liz. “I expect pictures.”

“You’ll have them.”

Kyle managed to hold his enthusiasm at bay until the Coach had left them alone. And then it took him only a heartbeat to pull Liz into a bear hug, swinging her in tight circles.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you.” He set her down. “I owe you big time.”

Liz made a show of smoothing down her hair and skirt. “Wow, I have two men at my disposal now. You’d better be careful. I collect on my debts.”

He grinned at her. “Today was the best day ever. “C’mon, celebrate with me. Let me buy you an ice cream cone. It’s the least I can do.”

“I demand two scoops and sprinkles on top,” she declared seriously.

“A reasonable demand. I accept your terms. Now tell me where we’re going.”

She scooped her bag off the ground and linked arms with Kyle. “We can walk from here and you can tell me all about your new job.”

They walked the short distance to the ice cream parlor while Kyle told her about the plays and strategies they’d talked about.

Kyle bought them both a cone and they leisurely strolled back to the park, window shopping as they went.

“So, he says they’ll pay me a flat fee to sort of assist on all of the teams! I still can’t believe it. They’re even going to work with my schedule when I start playing football.”

“I’m glad it worked out for you, Kyle.” And she was. It was a good feeling, knowing she had been able to help him out. They still had a few things to sort out before they could become true friends again, but the ball was rolling at least.

“Okay, okay. I know I’ve been boring you senseless with sports talk. You pick a topic.”

“Did your father call you last night?” She had been a bit worried by the Sheriff’s lack of attention. Was there trouble with him leaving Roswell?

Kyle nodded, taking a lick at his ice cream cone. “Yeah. I’d told him I wanted to be by myself this year. He was still feeling guilty because I was alone, but I explained that I wasn’t alone.”

Liz froze. “You told him we spent the afternoon together?”

“Liz, he knows you’re here. He’s the only one though. You didn’t really think he’d let you just leave town without a trace, did you?”

“I don’t know. I didn’t think about it.” She eyed her ice cream thoughtfully. “Is that how you found me?”

“Dad? Yeah. But I asked, told him I knew he was checking up on you. He wanted me to tell you that he gave his word he wouldn’t tell anyone where you were, not Max or Maria, or your parents.” He saw the relief on her face and knew she trusted his father. It felt good to know she believed in his word. They were after all the two most important people in his life these days.

“So, tell me all about your secret life as a photographer.”

Liz began walking beside him again, accepting that he was trying to change the subject. She would have to think about this more a bit later. “My grandmother’s influence. When I was growing up, I used to travel with her on my summers. I went on a few digs with her and even more reservations. She used to do all the photography work on her books, and she taught me how to take pictures.” She was sad for a second, missing the woman who had shown her so much.

Kyle nodded, remembering Claudia Parker. The Parkers were as an established a family as they came in Roswell, and everybody had known and loved the free spirited Claudia. Everyone except for her own daughter. Kyle chuckled at the memory of Nancy and Claudia in another fight, over Claudia’s sometimes outrageous behavior.

“Hey, remember the time she came into town to take you to that huge rock concert in Albuquerque? You were like fifteen.”

Liz smiled at the memory. “Oh my god. I’d forgotten about that. Grandma decided that we had to dye our hair to fit in, but she bought the wrong kind and it wouldn’t wash out.” She laughed at the memory of her mother’s face when they had come home with identical purple hair colors.

“I almost died when you showed up at school like that.”

“Well, Mom had trouble getting a hair appointment to dye it back. And I had a huge History test I refused to miss. She was great. She always made me see things in a new way, made me live life.”

Kyle didn’t have to ask to know she was talking about Claudia now. They might have only dated for a few short, disastrous months, but he’d known her his whole life.

Absently, he tugged on a stray lock of her hair. “Well, I’d say she’d be proud of you starting over.”

Liz’s smile widened, knowing Kyle was right. “She would come into town and she and Alex would sit up late, playing cards. She taught us all one summer, but Alex was the only one that was any good. Maria, Grandma and I would stay up late eating ice cream and giggling over boys. But she and Alex could play cards all day.” Liz paused a minute, deciding she could trust Kyle. “That’s how I see them now, playing cards all day, talking about us and how if they were here things wouldn’t be as big a mess as they are now.”

“It’s a good image. Do you think they would let my mother sit in on a few hands? She used to play a mean game of bridge.”

The image of Alex playing bridge make her giggle, and it felt good.

“I think they get together all the time.”

They studied each other over ice cream cones before Liz linked arms with Kyle. “C’mon, I’ll let you give me a ride home.”

“Say, Mel isn’t seeing anyone, is she? Which is purely a random question, not at all related to any interest I may or may not have in her.”

Liz laughed at him. “Oh, no. Don’t even think about it. She’s not your type.”

Kyle let Liz lead him down the street, but he had the feeling that Liz was dead wrong about that one. He would just have to bide his time with her leggy friend. They all fell prey to his charm sooner or later.

posted on 16-Sep-2001 9:27:58 AM

Finding Yourself
Author: Cookieman aka Stacey
Email: [mail] Cookieman123@go.com [/mail]
Category: M/L , but strong friendship themes with others L/K
Rating: PG 13 to R for language mostly
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a computer, some college debts and a vivid imagination
Author’s Note: This takes place after “Departure”. I know, I know, another Departure fic, right? Well, give me a try. The first few parts are trying to wrap up the mess left to us, so it might take me a few parts to get into it. In case you don’t know yet, feedback makes me post far quicker…

Finding Yourself
Part 25

“Okay, well what do you think about this arrangement?”

Liz and Mel stood over a table with a few other students as they sifted through an assortment of pictures. Mel was clutching Liz’s arm behind the others and Liz knew she hated the suggestion as much as she did.

“Um, well, yeah, Janie. We could set up the yearbook without any names this year and I definitely think it would save space, but I think some of the parents would have a problem with that. Mel, didn’t you have something? Anything?” She murmured the last part and Mel snickered at her. The head of the yearbook staff had been out since Friday with the flu and she had asked Liz to take over the meetings while she was gone.

“Actually, I did have a few new ideas for those extra pages we’re trying to fill.”

Liz watched gratefully as Mel’s smooth southern accent captivated the room. Not for the first time, she wondered where Mel was actually from, but she couldn’t ask. It was one of their unspoken rules. If you wanted everyone to know something about yourself, you would tell them. And if she started asking questions about Mel’s background, she would have to answer a few herself. Thankfully, Mel seemed to know that she didn’t feel like leading the others, and had been trying to step in and help. Leadership just wasn’t her thing. She’d already tasted that once and it had been enough.

Mel guided the others through the half finished presentation she really hadn’t been prepared to give yet. But Liz seemed a bit frazzled today. Her friend had all the makings of a good leader as far as she could tell, but didn’t seem to want the responsibility of it. So here she was stuttering her way through an explanation of an idea she hadn’t even finished developing yet.

The door opened behind Liz and Mel watched with amusement as Kyle Valenti strolled through the door. He was always good for shaking things up a bit. But as Mel looked closer, she noticed that his step didn’t have it’s usual swagger.

“Kyle, what’s up?” Liz’s brow creased at his sudden appearance as well.

“Listen, I’m not going to be able to make it after school today. Can we get together sometime later this week?”

“Sure. Is everything okay, Kyle?”

“Yeah, sure.”

But Mel could see the waves of frustration rolling off him from across the room. What could cause Liz’s smooth talking new friend to lose his cool? She didn’t want to be interested, didn’t want to care, but she found that she did. Swearing at herself, she knew she had been spending too much time around Liz. She was usually much more guarded than this. She was far better off without a man in her life, much less a slick operator like Valenti.

Kyle clapped a hand on Liz’s shoulder. He hadn’t meant for his mood to carry over, especially not around Liz. “Really, I’m fine. I’ll see you in class later, okay?”

“Actually, can you meet me for lunch? Mel and I usually eat outside on the picnic tables.”

Kyle nodded, his eyes darting around the room, finally resting on Mel.

“Hey, beautiful. See you at lunch?” He winked at her, but he didn’t feel any real amusement from the gesture. Before Liz had a chance to cross examine him further, he was out the door.

Mel excused herself from the group and went over to where Liz stood watching the door in confusion.

“So, I guess whatever you two were fighting about is finished?”

Liz thought about the weekend and how far they had come in that short length of time. There was still a bit left to work through, but she trusted him. And that was a huge step. “Yeah, you could say that. Did he seem odd to you?”

“Isn’t he always odd?”

Liz sighed. “Nevermind.”

But despite herself, Mel found her thoughts drifting back to Kyle occasionally. What had put that look in his eye? It was almost defeat, and that confused her. Guys like him were invincible.

Mel kicked herself mentally as she dumped her things in her locker. She didn’t care about Kyle Valenti. She’d only known him for a few days. Hadn’t she learned years ago not to get close to people? If they didn’t let you down, she would leave town before they had the chance. It had happened a dozen times in a dozen different cities in the last few years. And it would probably happen a hundred more in her lifetime. Liz had proved to be the exception to her rules so far, but her father had been making noises about moving again before the year was out. Which proved her theory that it just didn’t pay to get involved with people.

But, when she heard the distinctive sound of rubber hitting metal, she wasn’t surprised to find Kyle at the other end of the hall kicking in his locker. But she was surprised at the feelings that wanted to surface. Where were these nurturing feelings coming from? She wanted to turn the other way and leave, to pretend she hadn’t seen him. But something deep in her told her to trust for the first time, and to involve herself.

With a sigh and a muttered oath, she clutched her next period books to her chest and made her way down the empty hallway.

Kyle gave the locker another swift kick and felt fractionally better for it. He knew it was childish, but he just didn’t care.

“That locker’s always had it coming.”

Kyle froze when he heard Mel’s sugary voice. He turned slowly to find her standing a few feet from him, her head cocked questioningly.

He ran a hand through his hair and realized he hadn’t styled it that morning. Weird, he was usually careful about that sort of thing.

“I’m-“

“Fine. Nothing’s wrong. I caught that act earlier. You want to talk about it, Slick?”

Tired and defeated, he felt some of his anger slip away just being in her presence. Liz was the only other person who had ever made him feel like that, but he couldn’t talk to her about this. He leaned back against his locker. Telling someone couldn’t hurt.

“I didn’t get in to NorthWestern.”

Mel sighed. Hell, she was starting to care. She closed the distance between them and leaned against the locker to his right.

“Sorry. But you had back up schools, right?”

“Three more letters. I was accepted, but not with a full scholarship.”

Then it clicked in Mel’s brain. “Those were sports scholarships, weren’t they?”

Kyle lowered his gaze to the ground. “Yeah.”

“It’s because you left Roswell in the middle of the season, isn’t it? Because you followed Liz.”

Kyle pushed away from the locker, filled with nervous energy. He didn’t like being read so easily. “Liz has nothing to do with it.”

Mel kept her gaze down. This had everything to do with her. He had followed her for whatever reason, and had lost his scholarships because of it. But she suspected he would cut out his tongue before he told her so. Great, the guy had hidden depths.

“When I first met Liz, she was a mystery. Not that she isn’t one now or anything, but I respected that she didn’t want to talk about herself. That’s why we get along so well. When I was a kid, I was never in school long enough to really make friends, so when I met people, I would make up stories about them. This one had a perfect home with a huge Barbie playhouse. Maybe another girl would have a brother she picked on. It didn’t matter what the real story was, because I could make up whatever I wanted. So, when I met Liz, I created this story in my head, like I used to do. I figured she was an orphan, no friends, no family, maybe an abusive past, probably hid in the shadows. But I knew she had definitely been hurt.”

“You don’t have it half wrong,” Kyle murmured.

Mel ignored him, but saved his comment for later. “But since meeting you, I’m revising that story. I think she had some great friends. Not everyone would leave their homes behind to help a friend.”

“You don’t know my home.” Kyle met Mel’s eyes, unsure of what to say. He had a feeling she was as new to this emotional sharing thing as he was. “Liz and I were never really close friends before.”

“Sometimes they make the best kind.” Mel squirmed against her own words. When had she turned into the Brady Bunch mom?

“Are you coming on to me?”

Mel threw up her hands in exasperation. The one time she tries to be nice, this is what happens. “Typical.”

Kyle grinned at her despite his situation. He really did feel better. He’d gotten the vibe that she didn’t usually play the nice guy and had decided to lighten the mood. Whatever happened, happened. Maybe it was for the best. Even knowing what would happen, he would still have left Roswell. Something had called him here and he would try to figure out why.

“So, tell me, what does Mel stand for? Melody?”

“I’m going to lunch.” She pushed off from the locker and headed down the hall.

Kyle quickly grabbed his books and jogged after her. “What are you doing this weekend?”

“Burning pictures of you.” She refused to think about how right it felt with him walking beside her.

“If you need me to pose for those, I’m free Friday.”

“I wouldn’t waste the film. Besides, I’m sure your time is better spent with your groupies. I promise you’ll get more out of them.” She rounded a corner, headed towards the double doors that led outside.

“I’m crazy about you, you know that?”

She snorted at him, and he laughed at her, opening the door for her just because he knew it would make her mad. And sure enough, as she pushed past him, bristling with anger, he felt like maybe the world had been turned right again.

~*~*

posted on 18-Sep-2001 10:11:06 AM

Finding Yourself
Author: Cookieman aka Stacey
Email: [mail] Cookieman123@go.com [/mail]
Category: M/L , but strong friendship themes with others L/K
Rating: PG 13 to R for language mostly
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a computer, some college debts and a vivid imagination
Author’s Note: This takes place after “Departure”. I know, I know, another Departure fic, right? Well, give me a try. The first few parts are trying to wrap up the mess left to us, so it might take me a few parts to get into it. In case you don’t know yet, feedback makes me post far quicker…

Finding Yourself
Part 26

Journal Entry – November 16, 2001

The last few weeks have gone by quicker than any other I’ve ever known. Things have changed so much since I last wrote in here. I know I said I was going to keep up this journal, as a method of therapy of sorts, but it’s been hard. Mostly because I’m still running from my feelings. But I’m going to try.

Kyle and I made up, sort of. He spends his lunches with Mel and I now, despite the long line of girls that want his attention. He’s become the big man on campus and he loves it. I think he’s dated a different girl every week and Mel and I have a bet going to see if he can make it through the graduating class by Christmas, minus us of course. But if I didn’t know better, I’d say there was the beginnings of something between them. Maybe I’m imagining it. Maybe not.

Mel and Kyle are an odd story. They seemed to have formed this bond completely separate of me. And after a dozen frustrating encounters, I’m used to their banter now. It’s like they’re constantly trying to one up each other in the battle of wit, but it does make for some amusement. In some ways, it reminds me of Maria and Michael, way back in the days when they swore they hated each other. They would argue over something as trivial as the best brand of ketchup, then I would turn to Max and he would smile at me and I knew he understood.

But Max isn’t here now. And he might never be again. I know I said I left to work out things, but part of me, the weak part, still wishes I was still there with him. Will he even be on the planet by the time I find the courage to return home? I don’t know for sure, and it hurts me that we might not have the chance to create better memories than the last ones we have now, even as friends. I still miss him like nothing I’ve ever known. Being away from him is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I know it’s something that has to be. He wasn’t the Max I fell in love with in the end. He lied to me, betrayed me, hurt me. If I let myself thing about it, I’d cry all day. So, I push my grief to the back of my mind and pray Max will find the strength to do what needs to be done without me. I don’t know what the future holds for us, and I don’t want to know. Some things are better left to be discovered in the moment and not lamented over for fourteen years.

But I digress. I swore this journal wasn’t going to turn into a long letter to Max. So, I’ll move on now.

Kyle started his job with Coach Jackson and he loves every minute of it. I went by the school to drop off some pictures and he regaled me with stories of how useful Kyle’s input was to the sports department. And true to the High School coach’s word, he had tried out Kyle for the Varsity Football team and they started him immediately. They’d actually been giddy with excitement when Kyle had won them the game. I know, I caught it on film.

I went to take pictures and offer him my support, and I even dragged Mel along with me. She’d never even been to a game! Imagine that! She acted bored for most of the game, but when Kyle had been tackled after a foul had been called, Mel had been up on her feet with the rest of us, yelling at the referees. Kyle found out she didn’t know anything about sports, and she agreed to let him teach her if she could show him how to perform basic maintenance on his Mustang. He was pretty worried about letting her near his car, but after she yelled at him for being sexist, they’d started their first lessons. It’s hard to say who I feel more sorry for.

I still have the letter Kyle gave me from my parents. Every night I take it out and look at it, turn the envelope over in my hands. And every night, I put it back in my dresser drawer. And I promise myself that tomorrow I’ll open it. Tomorrow I’ll have the strength to open that piece of paper and read the words my parents wanted me to hear. But each morning comes without any of that strength, and I wonder if it ever will.

Kyle and I talked about it briefly, for like thirty seconds, and he told me not to rush it. When the time was right, I would know. He said that they loved me and for now it was all I needed. I think Buddha has made him wise beyond his years. Or maybe that was the aliens.

I know I should call them, tell them I’m alive and not only well, but better here than I hoped I could be. But every time I reach for the phone, my hand trembles and I hate myself for being a coward. So, maybe I’ll write them a letter instead, just a note to tell them all the things I can not say. I’ll send it to the Sheriff. He’d deliver it for me, no questions asked. But what would I say?

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. I left everyone behind for reasons I can never fully explain to you. I killed my best friend, not with my hands, but with my actions and the actions I drove others to. And the man I loved more than anything, that I sacrificed my future for, betrayed me with his wife, created a child that couldn’t live on this planet.

There were some things you just couldn’t tell your parents.

And so I write nothing.

But behind it all are the ever present questions that run through my brain. It doesn’t matter how far I run from Roswell and from Max, I still think about them. I have to. Because of the actions we took there, because I’m alive today at Max’s hand, I’m not entirely human anymore. And I don’t know how I feel about it. Ava alluded to it, but never told me how I was changed. And at the time, I was afraid to ask. That was me, the big chicken of Roswell. It was almost our motto. If your close your eyes, maybe it’ll all go away when you open them. Obviously, that worked well for us.

There was also something else about her visit that I never told anyone. Who would have believed me then? But I knew from the first time she looked at me that she knew something she wasn’t telling me. It was almost as if she recognized me. But I know that’s not possible. How could it be? But it was a sort of vibe I got and I’ve learned to trust my instincts. And they tell me that there are secrets inside of me I haven’t unlocked yet, but I know I won’t be whole until I do. So, I continue researching in secret. Kyle wouldn’t understand. He hates Max and everyone in Roswell for what they did to his life. And while I can’t blame him, I can’t share this with him either. Maybe some day, but not yet, with Tess’s betrayal so fresh in his mind.

So, while I want to distance myself as far from all of this as I can, if I really am trying to take a journey of self discovery, then I have to look at all parts of myself, and not just the parts I like. And like it or not, part of me may now be alien.

And when I think about it, and what it means, it makes me glad that Kyle’s here. I’m not quite ready to talk about Tess and Alex with him yet, and maybe Mel may be more objective about Max, but I think that with the two of them by my side, I just may wake up tomorrow to find the courage and strength that has so long eluded me. And hopefully when I do find out who Liz Parker really is, I’ll like who I’ve found.

posted on 15-Oct-2001 12:45:08 PM

posted on 15-Oct-2001 12:45:46 PM

posted on 15-Oct-2001 12:46:32 PM

posted on 15-Oct-2001 12:47:16 PM

posted on 15-Oct-2001 12:47:51 PM

posted on 25-Oct-2001 10:44:45 AM

Finding Yourself
Author: Cookieman aka Stacey
Email: [email] Cookieman123@go.com
Category: M/L , but strong friendship themes with others L/K
Rating: PG 13 to R for language mostly
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a computer, some college debts and a vivid imagination
Author’s Note: This takes place after “Departure”. I know, I know, another Departure fic, right? Well, give me a try. The first few parts are trying to wrap up the mess left to us, so it might take me a few parts to get into it. In case you don’t know yet, feedback makes me post far quicker…

Finding Yourself
Part 33

“That’s two Will Smith burgers, a cheese fry and three cherry cokes.” Maria deposited the plates in front of the three aliens and couldn’t resist leaning in closer to Michael for a quick kiss. As predicted, he tried to pull her in for a longer kiss, but she sidestepped him easily. She still had an hour left on her shift and Mr. Parker had been a stickler about keeping personal time personal.

“Later, Spaceboy,” she promised, winking at him before she disappeared behind the counter.

Michael watched her go with a smile. She had been so depressed since Liz had left that he’d worried about her day and night. But after she had woken up that morning last month and kidnapped Max, she had been better. She still wasn’t her old bubbly self, and he suspected she never would be again. But the simple act of getting up and going to work without Liz didn't seem to depress her anymore. And it was a good enough start for him.

The door chimed behind them, signaling yet another customer. Maria’s head popped up, an automatic smile on her lips that died when she recognized the face.

“Sheriff. When did you get back into town?” She couldn’t help the bitterness that crept into her voice. He knew where Liz and Kyle were, had been to see them for Thanksgiving. And Maria still had no idea where her best friend lived or how she was doing.

“Monday night. Say, are the Parkers in?”

“Yeah, is everything okay?” Oh, god, was it Liz? Had something happened? Panic seized Maria’s heart.

“Everything’s fine, Maria. I just have something for them.” Knowing the trio would be sitting in their regular booth, Jim wasn’t surprised to find them watching him. Most of the information they had gained in their life had been obtained from eavesdropping. He supposed some habits died hard.

Max had been watching Jim since he’d walked in the door. He’d been to see Liz, he would have bet his life on it. And he had shown up to tell the Parkers about it, about how she was doing. And as much as he wanted to hang onto every word, he knew no one would talk about her while he was in the room. Maria had more hope n her eyes than he’d seen in months and he was afraid Jim would pull the Parkers into another room and Maria would miss her first chance to know how her best friend was doing. But if he left, it would be a far less uncomfortable situation.

Michael was wrapped up in the glow in Maria’s eyes when movement caught his attention. Max had risen from the booth and was dropping a few bills on the table.

“Maxwell, you got a hot date or something?”

“I just have some things to do. You guys stay.” He was thankful for the second car his parents had bought for Isabel. It meant he could have the freedom to drive for hours without having to worry about leaving her stranded somewhere. And he’d picked up the habit of wandering endlessly lately.

“But I thought we were hanging out.” Isabel eyed her brother carefully. Where was he off to in such a hurry? “Will you be home for dinner?”

“I don’t know. I’ll call.” Max grabbed his keys from the table and fled out the door.

“What’s his deal?” Michael moved Max’s untouched plate of fries closer. There was no sense in wasting food. “I thought the mood swings were getting better.”

“They are.” Isabel watched Max peel out of the parking lot.

“Could have fooled me.”

“For gods sake, Michael, you were there when we found the Granolith.” She’d dropped her voice to an angry whisper. “You saw what it did to him to find the damn thing empty. And now those dreams he’s been having. He’s remembering his past life on top of trying to sort out what from the last year has been real and what Tess planted in his head. So, I think he’s entitled to a few mood swings. You of all people should get that.”

“Are you saying I’m moody?” But he already felt guilty. Isabel was right. Max had been through a rough couple of weeks. From the mush in his brain, they had figured out that a lot of the things they remembered happening were Tess’s made up memories.

Max had confided in Michael that he was pretty sure that the sex had been real enough. But he wasn’t sure if the baby had been real or just Tess’s way of getting him to Antar and to Khivar. But before Michael could mutter out an apology, Maria had come back with the Parkers.

“Sheriff, is everything okay?” Jeff was hot on his wife’s heels, practically running from the kitchen.

The Crashdown was practically empty this time of night, and Jim didn’t see any harm in talking where they were. “Everything’s fine.” He saw their anxiety and immediately sought to ease it. “I just have a message from Liz.”

“Liz? You heard from Liz? Is she okay? Everything’s alright?” Nancy had taken hold of Jeff’s arm and he had pulled his wife into his arms, both bracing for bad news.

Michael had slid out of the booth to stand behind Maria and offer support.

Jim smiled at them. “She’s fine, healthy and happy. I went to spend a few days with Kyle and Liz was there. It seems they rented out an apartment together, close to the school. In fact, it’s so nice I’m thinking of moving in with them.” When no one seemed vaguely amused, he decided to give up. “She’s okay,” he repeated. “She asked me to give this to you.” Jim pulled out Liz’s letter and was caught off guard when it was snatched from his hand.

Nancy and Jeff ripped open the envelope then held out the letter to read. Nancy covered her mouth with her hand, silent tears making their way down her cheeks. Maria watched them read the letter while she practically danced from foot to foot to hold back until she was included.

Jeff finished the letter first. “What pictures was she talking about?”

“That’s why it took me so long to get out here. I had to have them developed.” He handed them the package of photos.

The group slid into a booth, the Parkers on one side and Michael and Maria on the other. Isabel had risen to stand beside Jim near the booth.

“Look at her. She cut her hair.” Nancy ran a finger across the glossy surface of the first photograph.

Jim glanced over their shoulders to see which pictures they were looking at. Liz and Kyle were smiling at the camera, wearing matching lopsided grins. The next one showed the moment Mel had captured when Liz had been trying to sneak up on Kyle and Jim to finish a pillow fight Kyle had started. The group flipped through picture after picture, occasionally asking Jim what a picture was of. When they reached the images of Liz and Mel posing, Maria’s eyes turned sad as she asked who the girl was.

“Uh, that’s Mel. She’s a friend of theirs.” Jim knew Maria like his own flesh and blood and he knew she felt replaced in Liz’s life. He made a mental note to talk to her later and reassure her.

“She certainly looks better.” Jeff couldn’t stop staring at a single picture of his baby. She wasn’t posing, but was staring out a large window. She was wearing the same look of sadness that he’d come to recognize in her over the last year. But she looked older to him, wiser if possible. And he’d missed it. His little girl wasn’t so little anymore.

Nancy had reached for Jeff’s hand again, joy in her heart over knowing her Liz was okay. But she couldn’t help but be jealous of Jim Valenti. Not only did he have the freedom to talk to his son and Liz, but he had been able to see them, spend the holidays with them. And it stabbed her deep.

“Thank you, Sheriff,” she managed to choke out, unable to tear her eyes away from the pictures. “If you talk to her again, tell her how much it meant to us.”

“She knows.” He hesitated to say more, not wanting to overstep his bounds. “She’ll come back one day. She just needs some time to figure some things out. She misses you.”

“It helps. Thank you, Jim.”

Jim nodded, “I’ll see you guys around. Maria, do you need a ride home later?”

Maria nodded, not sure how he knew the Jetta was in the shop. She supposed things between him and her mother were getting more serious. “Yeah.”

“I’ll come back by later then. Good night, everyone.”

Michael watched the Sheriff exit the building before turning to Maria. “Are you okay?”

Maria eyed the image of Liz and Mel smiling at the camera. Then she forced a smile back on her face for Michael. “I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

*~*~

Max drove without purpose, without aim. He knew the Parkers would drill the Sheriff for information on Liz, so they would more than likely be there for awhile. Which meant that hang out spot was dead for the night. He tried not to think about it. He knew Liz was okay, safe at least. They may have been separated, and her trust in him may have been broken, but the connection between them that had always been present still hummed steadily. It was the only comfort he had left these days.

He pulled the Jeep to a stop, surprised to find that he had wound his way through town to sit in front of the Hudson House. He hadn’t meant to come here, and he certainly didn’t want to seem like a pest. But since he was here, he may as well go in. If he was bothering anyone or in the way, he would simply leave.

After the second knock on the door, he began to feel foolish. What if they weren’t even here? Or they were so busy he was bothering them? He turned to go just as the door opened with a creak. An older woman with red hair peppered with gray stood in the doorway, her smile wide when she found Max looking more than a bit lost.

“Hi, can I help you?”

“I’m Max Evans. You know my father, Phillip. We came by here last weekend with him and I think I met your daughter.”

“Sara? Yes, I remember her telling me about you now. You wanted to volunteer here, right?”

Max let out a breath. At least she had a clue who he was. “Yes. I’m sorry to just come by like this. She said you might be back today, but if it’s a bad time I can come back.”

“No, please come in.” She opened the door wide and led Max into her office.

Max followed patiently. He hadn’t really had a chance to see much of the inside of the house last time he came. The floors were a polished wood and despite the clutter of toys they had to carefully step over, the interior was unbelievably clean. When they had reached Colleen’s office, Max found himself seated in a plush armchair facing her from across her desk.

“So, tell me, Max, do you have any experience with children?”

Max swallowed hard. “No, I’m afraid not.”

“Any experience with any volunteer work?”

“No.”

“Why do you want to help here? Sara told you that we don’t have much money here, and what we do have we give to the kids. I’m afraid we don’t have any money to pay you.”

“I’m not looking for money.” Max sat forward, struggling to put into words something he didn’t quite understand himself. “From the moment I heard about this place from my dad, what you do here touched me. You help people, take in children that have no place left to go. And you not only take them in, but you do it with a smile. I want to be a part of that. I want to help if I can in any small way. I have a part-time job, but it’s nothing that isn’t flexible the few days I actually work a week. I know I don’t have any experience with kids much less sick ones, but I know what it’s like to not have anywhere to go, to feel like you don’t belong. The foster home my sister and I stayed in before we were adopted wasn’t nearly as nice as the home you have here. And I guess I feel like I’m giving something back.” Max knew he was red. He hadn’t meant to say that much, wasn’t sure really what had gotten into him. But he knew that he felt a vibe from this house, and he didn’t want to overly question it. He just felt like he belonged here.

“I’ll tell you what, Max. I like you and I think I can trust you, especially if you’re anything like your dad. Can you come by tomorrow? Sara will be free and I’ll have her show you around, introduce you to some of the older kids. Then we’ll see how you like things.”

“Definitely. Thank you, Mrs. Hudson.” Max rose to shake her hand.

“Please, it’s Colleen. And you shouldn’t be thanking me yet. These kids are a handful. You’ll be pulling out your hair in less than a week.” She shook his hand, noting the determination in his eyes. Yes, her daughter had been right about him. He looked eager, almost as if he was trying to fill something empty inside of him. She’d seen enough of that kind of sadness to last her a lifetime. And just because a child was adopted didn’t necessarily mean that feeling of not belonging went away. Sometimes they just grew up. It looked as though she had herself a new ward to watch out for.

Finding Yourself
Author: Cookieman aka Stacey
Email: [email] Cookieman123@go.com
Category: M/L , but strong friendship themes with others L/K
Rating: PG 13 to R for language mostly
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a computer, some college debts and a vivid imagination
Author’s Note: This takes place after “Departure”. I know, I know, another Departure fic, right? Well, give me a try. The first few parts are trying to wrap up the mess left to us, so it might take me a few parts to get into it. In case you don’t know yet, feedback makes me post far quicker…

Finding Yourself
Part 34

Liz snapped off another round of shots on her camera and then stood back. Aware of the cramp in her back for the first time, she arched, stretching her abused muscles. She’d been in the park for an hour now and Kyle had been right when he’d said the fresh air would do them all some good.

He’d organized a football game with some friends, who had invited a few more of their friends. And by the time they were all gathered, an impromptu party had formed. The guys had been playing for well over an hour and Liz hadn’t been able to resist pulling out her camera and taking a few pictures. From there, everything around her had jumped out at her and demanded attention. She’d taken pictures of the trees and flowers, as well as the park’s children playing on the swings. She had a quick flash of flying through the air on a swing, laughing as Alex pushed her higher and higher. And she smiled at the memory.

“Heads up!”

Liz was so engrossed in her thoughts, she never heard the quick shout or the thundering footsteps headed in her direction. Ten seconds later, she found herself coming into contact with a very hard body and the world spun off it’s axis as she crashed to the floor.

“Whoa. Sorry about that. I was trying to save you from being hit in the head with the ball.”

Liz gingerly placed a hand to the back of her head, wincing slightly as she found a tender spot. “My hero,” she muttered.

“Here, let me help you up.”

A hand broke into her field of vision and she took it, being pulled back onto her feet.

“I really am sorry about that. Dan tried to warn you, but I guess you didn’t hear. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I think so.” Liz looked up for the first time and came face to face with her attacker. He was tall, with sandy blond hair that looked just a hint too long as it curled over his ears. He was wearing the same uniform as the other guys, a ragged jersey and shorts, both soaked in sweat from a hard game. But the muscles that peaked out from behind the cloth were quite impressive. And that was when she started thinking maybe she did have a head injury. Since when did she notice things like that? And why was she still staring at his face? His eyes were all cloudy with concern for her and she liked it.

“Liz! Are you okay?” Kyle came sprinting across the field when he saw Liz go down. He’d been relieved to see her back on her feet, but she still looked a bit shaky. “Maybe you should sit back down.”

“I’m fine, Kyle. Where’s my camera?” She began looking around wildly for her equipment, saying a quick prayer that it hadn’t been crumpled.

“I’ve got it. Don’t worry.” Mel had pulled Liz’s camera off the floor, knowing she would be more worried about it than her own health. The girl was so predictable.

“I tried to stop in time, but I couldn’t.” The man continued to explain.

Realizing their hands were still joined together, Liz looked down at them with an amused grin. The man immediately dropped her hand, embarrassed by his own actions.

“I’m fine, really.” She turned her attention back to the man. “I’m Liz. Nice to meet you.”

“Tag.” He accepted her offered hand and shook it carefully.

“As in ‘You’re it?’” Mel found that she couldn’t resist the comment. Tag was staring at her friend like he was afraid she was going to fall to pieces any minute.

“Exactly.” Liz was smiling at him, and he knew he was acting like an idiot, but he really hadn’t meant to hurt her. Dan had thrown a long pass and they’d seen a bit too late that someone was in the way.

“Hey, guys! Are you playing or what?”

Liz glanced back at the guys on the makeshift field. They had seen that she was okay and wanted to resume playing now. “Go play. I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? Maybe you should go home and lie down.” Kyle turned to Mel, his brow creased with worry. “She should go home.”

“Am I not standing right here?” Liz gave Kyle a little push. “Go play. I’m going to move over there where it’s a little safer. Have fun. You too,” she glanced at Tag. “C’mon, Mel.” Liz linked her arm through Mel’s and the two of them walked off together.

“Are you really okay?” Mel whispered to Liz as they walked.

“Let me put it this way, if you let go of my arm, I’ll probably fall.”

“Okay. Let’s find you a seat then and you can impress everyone with your resilience.”

Tag turned to Kyle as the girls walked away. “She’s okay, right?”

“Liz? She’s tough alright. They both are.” He watched Mel support Liz across the field, taking in the full view of Mel’s tight behind in her leather pants. Did the girl ever not wear leather?

Tag examined the way Kyle’s eyes followed the two girls. “You and Liz, you’re not…”

“Hmm, what? Liz and I? No way, no how.”

“Good.”

Kyle froze, not liking the way he’d said it. “Hold on a minute here. Why do you ask?”

“No reason. I was thinking of asking her out myself. You know, if she survives the mild concussion I probably gave her.”

“Oh, you don’t want to do that.”

“Why not?” From where Tag was standing, there wasn’t any reason why he shouldn’t ask her out. Now that the shock and fear were subsiding, he was able to take in her appearance. She was petite and had some fire in her. She hadn’t lit into him for knocking her down, even when she should have. And besides that, she was gorgeous.

“Oh, well, she’s pretty boring and hard to get along with.”

“She didn’t look like it to me.” Tag started off in the direction of the field again, Kyle following hot on his heels.

“Well, she is trust me. And then there’s that weird rash she can’t get rid of.”

“Uh, huh. So, she’ll need someone to help her rub lotion on her.” For some reason, Kyle was trying to dissuade him from asking Liz out, and it amused him. He’d only known Kyle for a few days, having met him through one of their mutual friends, and he seemed like an okay guy. But he was playing mother hen here. Why didn’t he want him to go out with his friend?

Kyle swore to himself. Why wasn’t this working? If anything, his list of things wrong with Liz only seemed to make this guy more interested. And the last thing she needed was to date someone this soon. He looked up and noticed that Tag was already half way down the field. “Did I mention she’s gay?”

Liz and Mel sat out and watched the rest of the game. Liz was still a little light headed and had decided to give her camera a rest. But Mel had been distracted by an elderly couple on a picnic bench. Liz had given her the go ahead and she had disappeared to try to convince the couple to pose for her.

Alone, Liz allowed herself to relax. She was already feeling better, the incident behind her. But Tag had been really sweet, worrying about her. She didn’t know why her mind kept going back to this guy. Sure, okay, he was kind of nice looking, in an All American Good Looks kind of way. But she’d known dozens of guys like him and hadn’t had any sort of interest in them. Maybe it was his eyes. They had a spark of something adventurous and alive, always looking out for something more. She used to have that spark, before she had learned to live in the shadows and not call attention to herself or her actions.

Before she knew it, the game was over and she watched as they broke up, some making plans for another game the next day. She rose on shakier legs than she would have liked and tried to bend back down to retrieve her bags.

“Here, let me help you with that.”

She straightened to find Tag smiling at her as he bent to pick up her bags. “Thanks.” Oh, yeah, it was that spark in his eye that was so amazing. What had it been like to live your whole life with a thirst for life, never knowing the fear of death lingering in every face around you? She couldn’t remember.

“Did you drive? Because, no offense, but you’re not looking so good.”

“No, actually I walked over.” Which was going to become a problem if she wanted to get home. She supposed Kyle would be happy enough to go home and get his car to pick her up in.

“Well, let me offer you a lift home. I promise not to cause any more head injuries to you today.” He smiled at her, trying to look as harmless as possible.

“I’m not really sure that’s a good idea.” It made her sad to say no, and confused her when she realized she wanted to say yes.

“Look, I’ve already hurt you today. The least I can do is make sure you get home safely.”

Kyle loped over to where Mel stood, snapping the last of her role of film on an elderly couple. Somehow, she had managed to get them to cuddle together, posing for her. Which just proved that she was amazing in every way possible. But in his haste to join her side, he hadn’t seen the children’s sand bucket half buried in the sand and he managed to hook his foot, sending him sprawling into the sand. Several children had noticed and had started pointing and laughing. Never one to miss a beat, Kyle bounced back onto his feet and took a deep bow for them all.

“No wonder you’re such a hit with the ladies. You save that move for all your women, Slick, or just the special ones?” Mel took one last picture of the couple and then set down her camera. “Thanks. You guys are wonderful. I’ll have these developed in a few days and I promise to send you copies of them all.”

Kyle watched as they left, hand in hand. “What did you do to them?”

“Nothing. I just asked them to pose for a few pictures. They’ve been together fifty five years in January.” She sighed, despite herself. “Doesn’t that sound impossibly long?”

“I don’t know, it sounds kind of nice. It must be good to know you’ll be with someone for the rest of your life.”

Mel looked at him, surprised by his comment.

“What?”

“Nothing. Say, isn’t that Tag over by Liz?” She wasn’t comfortable with the emotions churning inside her, and she knew Liz being drooled over by some guy would be enough of a distraction to change the subject.

“Where?” Kyle scanned the field for Liz’s head, swearing when he found them together. “I thought I told him she wasn’t interested.”

“How do you know if she’s interested or not?”

“I just know. The last think Liz needs right now is another bastard getting her hopes up and breaking her heart.”

Mel watched Kyle spring off to defend Liz’s virtue. She had already figured that Liz had been hurt by a guy, but it never helped to have it confirmed. She followed Kyle quickly. Someone was going to have to rescue the girl from Kyle’s brotherly interference.

“Liz. Hey, are you ready to go now? George is going to give us all a ride home, you know to our apartment, where we live together, you and I, alone.”

Liz grinned at Kyle’s none too subtle hints. “Yeah, I’m ready. It was nice meeting you, Tag. Maybe I’ll see you around.”

Kyle took Liz’s bags from Tag’s shoulder and couldn’t resist the smug look he sent the other boy. He had won this round. Oh, yes, he had won. And if he had anything to say about it, Tag would never get the chance to put his slick hands on Liz. He knew all too well when men wanted, and Liz was too good for that sort of thing. He had come to Flat Creek to protect her, and protect her he would.

Finding Yourself
Author: Cookieman aka Stacey
Email: [email] Cookieman123@go.com
Category: M/L , but strong friendship themes with others L/K
Rating: PG 13 to R for language mostly
Disclaimer: I own nothing but a computer, some college debts and a vivid imagination
Author’s Note: This takes place after “Departure”. I know, I know, another Departure fic, right? Well, give me a try. The first few parts are trying to wrap up the mess left to us, so it might take me a few parts to get into it. In case you don’t know yet, feedback makes me post far quicker…

Finding Yourself
Part 35

“Hello? Is anybody here?” Max opened the door to the Hudson House, listening for sounds of life. He’d been warned that often they couldn’t hear the door and no one would answer when he arrived. So, he entered cautiously, moving towards the sounds of a baby’s cry. He sidestepped a line of toy soldiers on the bottom step and on the second floor, narrowly had a narrow miss with a lone roller skate.

“Colleen? Sara?” He peeked into a room and found Sara covered head to toe in baby powder, and Ben squirming atop a large table.

“Sara? Are you okay?” He stepped into the room slowly, not wanting to scare her out of the daze she seemed to be in.

“Max! Thank god you’re here. I know I was supposed to show you around and everything today, but I have a semi-emergency and I could really use your help.”

“Sure. What do you need?”

“Well, Mom and a friend of hers took the rest of the zoo to the park for awhile but I stayed with Ben and Ana. Well, Ben’s running a pretty high fever and I can’t take him anywhere near Ana right now.”

“The little girl with the heart problem my dad is helping?”

“Yes. So, could you keep her company, play with her? Whatever she wants, just don’t let her get too excited.”

“Uh, okay. I suppose.”

“Great. Thanks, Max.” Sara strode over to an intercom in the corner and pushed a button. “Ana? Sweety, are you there?”

“Yes,” came a timid reply a minute later.

“Honey, a friend of mine is coming up to play with you for awhile. His name is Max and he’s okay to talk to, okay?”

“Okay.”

Sara released the button with a smile. “Ana’s upstairs, down the hall on the right.” Trusting Ana was in good hands, Sara turned back to the baby and the dilemma of trying to keep his fever down. She’d learned from her mother how to make snap judgements with people. And Max Evans had not only passed through her but her mother as well.

Uncertain of where he was going or even what he was doing, Max backed up to the stairs and climbed up to the third level. The soft voice of a small child caught his ear and he followed it to an open bedroom door.

A little girl sat on her bed, indian-style under a fluffy pink blanket with butterflies. Her dark hair hung around her face, hiding it from his view. She had a Barbie doll in each hand and a dozen brightly colored doll outfits lay strewn on the bed around her.

“Ana?” He asked with a smile. He’d never really been around kids before, not to mention sick little girls. Would she be afraid of him?

Ana’s head popped up when she heard Max’s voice and she locked her eyes with his. Max wanted to squirm under her probing stare, but he waited for her to react to him.

“You’re Sara’s friend?”

Max nodded. “I’m Max.” He took a step into the room and when she didn’t flinch or move backwards, he took it as a good sign. “Whatcha got there?” He gestured towards her dolls.

“Barbies.” She tossed her head back, holding it high. The boys she knew usually made fun of her for playing with dolls.

“Do they have names?” He remembered Isabel had fantastical names for all of her dolls, royalty names that he still wondered if they belonged to real people. He moved to the edge of the bed, not sure what to do.

She made a frustrated sound that he recognized well from growing up with Isabel. “Yeah, Barbie.”

“Oh, sorry. I’m kind of new at this.” Had he just been put in his place by a six year old?

“’S okay.” She cocked her head to the side and examined him again. “You could play with me. I could teach you.”

Max watched as she batted her eyes at him, a frown all but formed on pouting lips. And he wondered if it was an ingrained trait all women just knew how to do from birth. But nevertheless, he knew he was sunk.

“Sure. What do I do?”

She scooted back on her twin bed and patted the empty space in front of her. “First you have to sit down. Here, you can be this Barbie. And I’ll be this one. We’re playing Magical Fantasy Fashion Show and they have to model the dresses.”

Max eyed the doll in his hand. Half of her blond tresses had been cropped off at uneven angles and her red dress was only half on, making him wonder if this was such a good idea after all.

“Don’t you have any boy dolls?”

She scoffed at him. “No. Now, I’ll go first and you can follow me.” She set the doll on her feet and bounced her along the blanket as if walking. “Oh, thank you everyone for coming. Isn’t my dress beautiful?”

Max grinned as her voice rose several octaves as she mimicked Barbie’s voice. She really was pretty cute. And while there were bags under her eyes, she looked almost okay, not really sick at all. He wondered if maybe there had been a mistake.

“Okay, you’re turn.”

Max turned his attention to the half-dressed doll again. Unsure of what to do, he bounced the doll as he’d seen her do.

“My name is Barbie and I’m wearing a red dress.”

Ana covered her mouth with her hands as giggles escaped. “No, silly. You can’t use a boy voice! You have to use a girl voice like mine.”

“Like this?” Max raised his voice higher, swearing on everything he owned that Michael and Isabel would never catch word of what he was doing.

Ana giggled again. “No! Higher!”

“Like this?” He rose his voice to an impossibly high pitch, her giggles filling in the empty holes in his soul. “Hi, my name is Barbie and I’m wearing a red dress.”

“You didn’t even dress her all the way. Let me do it.” She took Barbie from Max and deftly fixed her clothing.

“So, what happened to her hair?”

“Jesse!” She rolled her eyes. “He tried to play Beauty Parlor with me but he’s a boy. I told him he was doing it wrong, but he wouldn’t listen to me and then Nicole got mad at me cause Jesse cut her hair. It wasn’t my fault and Jesse laughed at me, but Sara made him apologize for being mean and he didn’t get any chocolate cake for dessert.”

Max tried to follow her rambling sentences the same way he did with Maria. He filed all the information away to process and sort through for later.

“So, these aren’t your Barbies?”

She shook her head sadly. “No. Nicole’s new family bought em for her before they took her away. Now, I have to share with Rachel.” She made a face to show just how distasteful sharing with this girl really was.

“But sharing is a good thing.” His mother had ingrained it into his and Isabel’s heads for years now. And she’d be proud he was passing it along.

“But she waits till I’m playing with them to want to play. It’s not fair.”

“Well, why don’t you just play with one of your toys when she does that?”

And plucked at the bedspread. “I don’t have any of my own.”

“No toys at all?”

“I had a real pretty doll my aunt Cara bought me, but Jesse took it and lost it.” Her lower lip started quivering.

Panic filled Max. “Don’t cry. It’s okay. We’ll just have to get you a new doll.”

“Really?” Her face lit up. “Like the Pretty Polly doll with the pink ribbons and all the neat dresses?”

“Yeah, exactly like that.” How could her enthusiasm be so contagious? He’s smiled more since he’d been in this room than he had in over a year.

“I’m hungry. Can we make a snack?”

“Sure, I guess.” He glanced out into the hallway, hoping the answer to the question would lie there. It wasn’t dinnertime yet. He didn’t see the harm.

“What do you want?” Of course, he had no idea where the kitchen was or what was in it, but he would try his best.

“Peanut Butter and Banana Sandwich.”

Max stared at her incredulously. And he thought they ate weird food combinations. “I don’t know how to make that.”

“Oh,” her face fell in disappointment.

“But you could show me.”

“No, I’m not allowed to walk downstairs.” She returned her gaze to the bedspread.

“Why?”

“Cause last time I tried, I fell and hurt my leg. And Colleen said no more walking till my heart is all better.”

Max’s heart broke to hear her story. He searched for a way to bring back her smile so it would light up the room again. “Well, what if I gave you a ride downstairs and you showed me where everything is?”

“Piggy back ride!” she squealed.

“Yeah.” Faced with another first, he nodded his head. “Okay, a piggy back ride. Let’s go.”

Ana threw back the blanket and carefully climbed to her feet on the bed. Max leaned closer so she could grip his neck. The first thing he noticed was how small she was, She was all skin and bones and he was sure that she was small even for someone her age. The second thing he noticed was that she didn’t have enough strength in her small arms to hold on tight enough not to fall. Once he had hoisted her onto his back, he reached one hand around to grip her back. Ready now, he headed down the stairs.

“Sara! We’re going to the kitchen for a snack!” Ana called out when they reached the second floor landing.

Sara emerged from the bedroom, eyes wide. “You’re hungry, sweetie?”

Ana nodded, burying her head in Max’s shoulder.

“Is that okay? I didn’t know-“

“Are you kidding? If she’s hungry, feed her anything she wants.” Sara smiled at the two of them. They seemed to have become fast friends, despite the look of panic that filled Max’s face. “If you need anything, just call me on the intercom. And you, you know the rules.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Max continued his journey down the stairs, following Ana’s directions to the kitchen. After the second wrong turn and a bout of giggles, he figured out she was doing it on purpose. The house seemed to be a maze of doors and hallways all connecting to another part of the house. He imagined some of the kids had quite a bit of fun hiding in the rooms.

Finally, they found the kitchen and he set Ana down in one of the softer chairs and went in search of bananas and peanut butter. But while Ana rambled on about a TV show she watched, Max’s mind wandered to Sara’s surprised face. Why had she been so shocked that Ana was hungry? He would ask her about it later. For now, he would hunker down in front of a the TV with Ana and a large plateful of Banana and Peanut Butter sandwiches to watch something called the Powerpuff Girls.

An hour later, he found himself laughing like the kid he’d never quite had the chance to be. He could see the popularity of the kids’ show. And Blossom kind of reminded him of Liz. But when he glanced down to ask Ana something, he saw that she was fast asleep. She had curled up against his side after she had wolfed down three sandwiches, and had proceeded to explain who each character was. She liked Mojo Jojo the best and they’d spent a few minutes during the commercial break trying to imitate his evil laugh. Ana had won.

Now, her small head was nestled on his chest, her hand fisted in his, and he couldn’t remember when that had happened. Asleep, she looked so much more fragile than she did when she had giggled over his reaction to his first taste of her sandwich. She looked…well, sicker. Her eyes were indeed carrying large bags and he wondered if she slept or if it was a fitful sleep when she did. So far, she had been sleeping pretty heavily and he didn’t think he should disturb her. But here, he could see the first signs of weakness. His dad had said that she would need a heart transplant before the year was out or she would likely die. And he knew that if he had it within him to heal her, he would. But like with Liz’s grandmother, he couldn’t heal something that was natural occurring. And a diseased heart was something even he couldn’t fix.

He heard the door open and a half dozen kids came scrambling inside. The sound of sneakers hitting hard wood floors and barreling up the stairs made him flinch, checking to make sure Ana stayed asleep.

Colleen stepped into the living room, momentarily startled to find Max and Ana on the couch. “Oh, Max. Hi. I see you’ve met Ana.”

“Hi, Colleen.” Max tried to untangle himself from Ana to stand up and greet Colleen, but she waved him back down.

“Stay. How long has she been sleeping?” She poked her head around the corner to keep an eye on two of her boys that had been whispering all afternoon. Nothing good ever came of that.

“Forty five minutes or so. We had a snack and she fell asleep.”

Colleen eyed the empty plate and the cartoon still running on the television. “Ah, I see you’ve been properly introduced to Cartoon Network. Ana’s a junkie for the stuff. Did she really eat?”

“Yeah. She had a few sandwiches and a glass of milk.” Max hesitated a minute. “Colleen, Sara acted a little funny earlier when Ana told her she was hungry.”

“And you were wondering what that was about?” Colleen sighed and took a seat on the other side of Ana. She smoothed back a strand of her dark hair. “How much do you know about her illness?”

“Not much,” he confessed.

“Well, her heart is diseased. It always has been. Her mother is a junkie that used to leave her alone for weeks at a time, and Ana’s always been on medication. Her aunt, Cara Page, was buying the medicine for awhile and tried to help take care of her, but her husband passed away and her mother is sick and living with her. So, she couldn’t take in Ana. I found a family in Tucson that is willing to take her, but she has to stay here until she can get a transplant. And to be honest, if she doesn’t find a donor heart soon, she may not be strong enough for the transplant.”

Max looked down at the little girl that had filled his afternoon with such energy and joy. “She said she wasn’t allowed to walk down the stairs?”

Colleen nodded. “Yeah. She had an accident last month. Her body is getting weaker and her legs have to work double time to support her. She tried to walk down the stairs in the middle of the night and she ended up falling. It was an hour before one of the other kids found her. She didn’t break anything, but she was too weak to climb back up. Her doctors said it would only get worse from there, so we told her she’s not allowed to walk down the stairs or climb by herself.”

“But she was so energetic today. We played and watched television.” Max was having trouble fitting the image of the dying little girl with the one he’d been with today.

“You caught her on a good day. We’d given her medication before we left and I guess she tired herself out. Usually, the medication makes her sick and we’re lucky if we can get her to eat much of anything. You did good to get her to eat what you did today.” Colleen placed a hand on Max’s. She could see he was having a hard time accepting what she was telling him. “I know it’s hard to accept, Max. It’s hard not to be able to do anything, but just being here for her is the best we can do right now.”

“So, you just have to wait and see if a heart is available?” How could they calmly sit back and wait to see if she would live or die? His whole life, he’d only had one person he couldn’t save and it had been Liz’s grandmother. And as much as he’d wanted to save her for Liz, he didn’t really know her all that well.

“She’s on a waiting list, but it’s not as simple as that. She is high priority, but it has to match her profile.”

Ana stirred beneath them. “Max?” She asked groggily.

“I’m here.”

And rubbed her eyes, yawning loudly. “I’m sleepy.” She moved closer to him and he tightened his arm around her unconsciously.

“Do you want to take her upstairs to her bed?”

“Yeah.” Carefully, he scooped the small bundle into his arms and tried to ignore the warm feeling it gave him when she nuzzled against his neck. How long had it been since someone had trusted him so implicitly? He sidestepped the toys, old and new, that had gathered since he had arrived that morning and made his way to her bedroom. He pulled back the fluffy pink bedspread and laid her down, careful to cover her back up. He didn’t know how easy it would be for her to catch a cold, and it was drafty in the old house.

“Max?” Ana half-opened her eyes to find her new friend.

“Yeah?” He moved back over to the side of the bed.

“Are you going home now?”

Max didn’t need to glance at his watch to know it was late. “I’m afraid so.”

“Will you come back tomorrow?” She yawned, her eyes closing more with every word.

“You betcha.”

She gave him a sleepy smile. “Kay. Good night.”

Max watched her slip back into a sound sleep and he stood there for another minute watching over his new friend. He would be back tomorrow and the day after that, and if the day ever came when he could do something to help this fragile little girl that had touched his heart, he would do it without hesitation.

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