Re: Yellow (M/L ADULT): Ch. 15 8/4/20
Posted: Tue Aug 04, 2020 1:53 pm
Hi guys! Thanks for the feedback! I had 5 minutes, so I thought I'd throw this up quickly! Enjoy!
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“I cannot believe my best friend is an engaged woman!” Maria exclaimed dramatically, enveloping me in a bear hug. “It feels like your first wedding was just yesterday, Petunia!” She teased and then hugged me again.
“Oof, Maria! Baby on board!” I scolded her as she squished Gabriel between us.
“Right, right! Sorry little guy!” She patted my belly. “So when’s the wedding?” She was practically vibrating with excitement.
“Maria! We just got engaged on Saturday and I’m about to have a baby in two months; we’re not in any rush!” I replied, sitting down on the couch.
It was the Monday after our vacation and Maria had insisted that she, Isabel, and I have a girl’s night. Not that I was complaining; I knew that these opportunities were going to be far fewer once Gabriel arrived.
“So you liked the outfits?” Isabel asked, walking in from the kitchen with a bowl of popcorn and three cans of orange soda. Maria made a face as she handed her one.
“Alex has been spending too much time here if this is our beverage selection!” She groused but popped the tab and took a sip anyways.
“You get used to it eventually,” Isabel said. “I mean, it’s pretty much what it tastes like to kiss Alex, so I’m pretty partial!” She waggled her eyebrows.
Maria grimaced and set the offending drink on the coffee table. “Delightful.”
I giggled and shook my head at my two best friends. I’d missed them. “Anyways! To answer your question, Isabel, the outfits couldn’t have been more perfect. Truly. You have such an eye. I cannot wait to see how the pictures turned out!”
“Me either,” Isabel agreed. “So without going into gory detail about my brother’s sex life, how was your trip?”
Being best friends with your boyfriend’s twin sister certainly made for an interesting dynamic! Like any normal teenaged girls, we talked about boys and sex, but there was definitely a bit of a gray area when it came to me or Maria talking about Max or Michael with Isabel.
“It was absolutely incredible!” I gushed. “Except for Saturday, we really didn’t do anything extraordinary, it was just so special to have that time together. It was incredibly hot, but the beach was beautiful and the house was wonderful as always. We’re both really looking forward to brining Gabriel there one day.”
I told them about the day of our engagement and the photoshoot and Max’s proposal, but I left out the bit about my breakdown. For one, it would be a depressing point in an otherwise fun evening, but secondarily I was still having an incredibly difficult time talking about my emotions surrounding the loss of my parents. Even with Max or in therapy, it took a trigger to initiate the conversation and afterwards I was left feeling exposed and vulnerable. And no matter how genuine or well-intentioned, the sympathy offered by others was deeply uncomfortable to receive. It was the tilt of a head or the softening of their eyes, the knitting of a brow. It was the knowledge that there was a tiny voice in the back of their heads saying ‘thank god that didn’t happen to me.’ It was the knowledge that my life had somehow become a tragic story.
It had nothing to do with a lack of trust when it came to Isabel or Maria or anyone in our strange little family unit and I had no question that they would listen to me without judgement or unnecessary platitudes. It was more the notion that my experience somehow made me other. An irrational concept, perhaps, especially considering I was the only pregnant 16 year old we knew, but even then pregnancy and parenthood were something that I knew they would experience eventually; the double homicide of their parents? Not so much. How can you expect someone to relate to you regarding something you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“Welcome back, Liz,” Jane said, following me into her office.
“Thank you,” I replied, easing into the chair across from her. “I’m sorry for the voicemail cancelation last week, I wasn’t expecting to be in Florida!”
“It’s perfectly okay, I think it’s wonderful that the two of you got the opportunity to go away for a few days. How was your trip?” She asked, settling herself and placing her notepad in her lap.
“It was absolutely incredible. Max proposed,” I said, holding out my hand to show her the ring. “We’re not in any rush to get married,” I added quickly. “But I couldn’t think of a better way for him to have asked.”
“You know, Liz, if you were most any other one of my adolescent clients, I would perhaps be less than thrilled and spend the session trying to dissuade you from making such an enormous decision so young. Even if those clients were pregnant. But knowing your relationship with Max and particularly having the advantage of Jesse’s notes, all I can say is congratulations,” Jane said, smiling.
“Thank you,” I blushed, glancing down at my ring for a moment before looking back to her.
“Something else happened on the trip, though. And I think I need to talk about it,” I began. I explained the discussion Max and I had the night we were watching Night Moves and admitted that it was something I’d been grappling with for months but was reluctant to bring up with her.
“It’s just that I’ve judged myself so harshly for these feelings that it only seemed rational that everyone else would as well. That it all reflects so poorly on my ability to mother my child. And talking with Max made me realize that my perception of this situation is likely not reality, but I still can’t help the way I feel. My baby is coming into this world under such complicated circumstances and I don’t want any of that to be his responsibility. I want him to be loved and cherished and appreciated for who he is and not tied to the tragedy that came before him,” I explained, choosing my words carefully.
“Do you know what I’m hearing from you right now, Liz?” Jane asked, putting her pen down and folding her hands.
I shook my head.
“I am hearing that you want the absolute best for your child and that his happiness and his needs take precedence over your own. That it is more important to you that he lives a life unencumbered from your experiences than it is that you do. Do you know what that makes you?”
I shook my head again.
“That makes you a mother. That makes you an excellent mother,” Jane said softly. “There is no question that the circumstances around your pregnancy are difficult, but you have an incredible support system of people who love you and your son unconditionally. Missing your parents and wanting them back does not make Gabriel any less loved or wanted. In fact, I would argue that he’s even more precious to them and to you because of the circumstances. You and he are your parents’ legacies. They live on because of the two of you. And the best way to honor that legacy is to be the best possible mother to your child and there is no question you are already doing exactly that.
“In terms of your capabilities as a parent or your desire to love and nurture your child, I have absolutely no reservations. What I do worry about, Liz, is your lack of affinity towards self-care. Trauma during pregnancy is one of risk factors for Postpartum Depression and being a teenaged parent is another. While there is no way to predict whether or not you will suffer from this, the best thing that we can do is to prepare you as much as possible and make sure that you are utilizing the support system available to you. You’ve been forced to make some unprecedented adjustments in this past year and that’s only going to accelerate with a newborn. Of course, you’re already in therapy and in couple’s counseling, so that’s an excellent start, but I think it would be prudent to consider a parenting class and a birthing class.”
“That makes sense,” I agreed. I hadn’t even considered the possibility that I could face further emotional complications after Gabriel’s birth.
“I also think that we need to take some steps towards getting you to be more open with people who are not Max. The saying that it takes a village to raise a child is not an empty sentiment; even the most prepared new parents can use all of the help they can get. You need to feel like you can rely on the people that surround you and that you can trust them to be there for you because they love you, not because of obligation. And that’s going to take some effort on your part. It starts with being honest about how you’re feeling because that is the first step to being able to accept support. So if you’re having a bad day and Diane asks you how you’re doing, take that opportunity to open with her. If you’re having a rough day, tell her; if you need help, ask.”
“I think what I’m struggling with most is why connecting with these people I have known and loved my whole life has become so incredibly difficult. I mean, I understand that my parents’ death was the catalyst, but this was never me. Not before. I told Maria and Isabel everything. I never had trouble expressing my feelings or being open about what was on my mind. It’s different with Max, but then again it’s always been different,” I admitted.
“It’s going to take some time. You’ve essentially been in survival mode for the past 8 months. Finding a new normal after a trauma is a complex process and you need to give yourself permission to heal at your own pace. You have phenomenal self-awareness; now it is just a matter of working through these issues in a way that will not overwhelm you or add to your burden. That’s why I’m here.”
“I don’t know what I would do without you, Jane. Truly.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The next few weeks passed by quickly, punctuated with doctor’s appointments, our new birthing class, and a parenting class. We were the youngest couple by at least 4 or 5 years, but everyone was supportive and kind which was a huge relief. We even had the opportunity to take a tour of the maternity ward at Eastern New Mexico Regional Hospital and to discuss our birth plan with Dr. Greenberg and her staff. Overall, I was feeling about as prepared as an almost 17 year old could for such a life-changing event, but there was still one issue to address.
The nursery.
A few weekends after we’d returned home from Florida, the guys were assigned to clearing out the guest room adjacent to mine and Max’s bedroom. Diane and Amy took the opportunity to pack Isabel, Maria, and I into the car and drive north to Albuquerque for a baby shopping spree as our options in Roswell were relatively limited. Diane reasoned that it would give the boys time enough to paint the room and lay the new floors and hang the curtain rods so that it would be ready to be decorated. They’d even rented a small U-Haul trailer to cart all of our purchases home!
“I booked us a suite at the Hotel Parq Central,” Diane said excitedly that Friday evening, taking the exit off of 85 into downtown Albuquerque. “And we have reservations at this little bistro Phillip used to take me to when we were in law school. I thought we could use a real girls’ weekend!”
“Diane, you didn’t have to do all of this, JCPenny would’ve been just fine!” I insisted, uncomfortable with the amount of money the weekend would cost.
“Nonsense! This is my first grand baby and I wanted to do something fun and memorable. Besides, the men are going to be a grumpy, sweaty bunch trying to get that room cleared out and painted this weekend so what better time to get as far away from Roswell as we can!” Diane replied, her eyes twinkling in the rearview mirror.
“I for one am thrilled to not have to deal with Jim complaining about his back every night!” Amy interjected. “I left a tube of arnica on the nightstand and a fridge full of beer. He should be able to figure it out from there!”
We all laughed and I felt simultaneously grateful to have these incredible, supportive women in my life as well as a deep, pervasive ache that my mother was no longer here to enjoy this with us. I knew that weekend was not going to be easy.
Once we were checked in, we had a few hours until our dinner reservation, so Maria and Isabel decided to check out the pool while Diane and Amy went downstairs for a glass of wine. I was exhausted and sore from the drive, so I decided to stay back and take a nap.
I was just starting to drift off, wondering how Max and the guys were making out when I heard my phone ring. I smiled when I saw his name on the screen.
“I was just thinking about you,” I said, grinning.
“Did I wake you? I can call back later,” Max asked, immediately concerned.
“I was just about to take a nap, but I’d much rather talk to you,” I replied. “I’d wanted to call before I laid down, but I didn’t want to interrupt you guys.”
“You are never an interruption, Lillabet. We just stopped to have dinner and I wanted to make sure you’d gotten in safely and you were feeling okay,” Max said.
“We did. Our reservation isn’t until 8, so Maria and Iz went down to the pool and your mom and Amy are down at the wine bar. Your son has been playing Mortal Kombat with my kidneys and ribcage so I figured I’d rest for a bit!”
“I wish I was there to rub your back. It feels really strange to not have you here. It’s been a really long time since we’ve been apart.”
“I know. It’s going to be really bizarre sleeping alone tonight. But I think you would’ve been miserable on this trip! Way too much shopping and estrogen!” I quipped and Max chuckled.
“For you, Lillabet, I would’ve grinned and bore it! But we’re having a pretty good time here. Kyle is off tomorrow, so we’ll have all hands on deck. Michael apparently has something in mind for one of the walls, so we’re under strict instructions to have everything else done by Sunday morning so he can have the room to himself.”
“On the one hand, I love Michael’s art so I’m sure whatever he has planned will be beautiful, but on the other hand I’m really hoping he at least talked to your mom so that we don’t end up with clashing themes.” We’d thrown around some ideas for the nursery, but hadn’t settled on anything specific.
“Well, he asked me how we felt about a space theme and I told him I’d ask you, which is the other reason for my call.”
“Actually, I’m not opposed to that at all,” I replied. It seemed more than fitting for a Roswellian baby to have an outer space themed room and considering how much we both loved astronomy, it felt rather appropriate. “So long as it’s space and not aliens!” I amended quickly. I grew up in an alien themed tourist trap, I didn’t need my son to be surrounded by the same little green men from my childhood!
“I already made that perfectly clear!” Max assured me. “He promised that it would be very tasteful.”
“I’m sure it will be wonderful. I’m excited to see it!”
“So am I,” Max agreed. “I don’t want to keep you from your nap, Lillabet. Why don’t you get some rest and give me a call before you guys go to bed tonight.”
“I will. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“Good evening, ladies, and welcome to L’Orange. My name is Eddy and I will be your waiter this evening. Are you celebrating anything special with us tonight?” A lanky young man in a crisp white shirt and pinstripe pants greeted us after we were seated.
“Well, I’d certainly say that we are! One last girls’ weekend before the birth of my first grand baby,” Diane beamed and I blushed as the waiter took in my burgeoning belly, half hidden by the tabletop.
“Ah, how exciting! Congratulations are in order, then! Do you ladies know what you would like to drink?”
Dinner was absolutely delicious and Diane spent the better part of it telling stories from her college years with Phillip and my parents.
“And the best part was that there really was a live chicken in the trunk!” Diane was almost in tears and we were all laughing along with her.
“Makes me wish I’d been at college with you guys,” Amy said, dabbing at her eyes with a napkin. “Sounds like it was a whole lot more fun than 8th grade homeroom!” She teased.
“We had some really great times,” Diane agreed and then she looked around the table. “And now it’s about to be your turn, girls!”
Maria and Isabel agreed enthusiastically, but I just smiled. Somehow, I think my college experience is going to be very different from theirs.
“It’s going to be a wonderful experience for you too, Liz,” Diane said, noting my reservation. “Just because you’ll have the baby doesn’t mean you won’t have the opportunity to join clubs and meet new friends and make lasting memories you can one day share with Gabriel.”
“I certainly hope so!” I agreed. “To be honest though, I think my ideas on what I hope to get out of college have changed quite a bit.”
For as long as I can remember, I was so sure I’d end up at Harvard or Boston University and I had this really specific vision of what that would look like. I anticipated that Max and I would be in the same city if not at the same school, sure, but I imagined living on campus and getting really involved with school activities and taking on extracurriculars and TAing opportunities. I’d dreamt about Max and I studying abroad in Europe during our junior year and maybe even getting engaged while there. I’d imagined visiting Maria in New York or Alex at Cal Poly Tech or even having him in Cambridge at MIT if we were really lucky. I pictured long weekends leaf peeping in the fall and skiing in the winter in the mountains of Vermont and all of us meeting for one last spring break in Florida during our senior year.
But after Gabriel, my thoughts were occupied with building a class schedule that allowed either Max or I to be home with him as much as possible. Doing well enough during our first year at community college to secure in state scholarships to UNM so that we wouldn’t have to worry about tuition. Finding an apartment close enough to campus that would also be in a safe neighborhood, maybe even near a park where we could take our son to play. Instead of long weekends in the Green Mountains, it was getting the opportunity for Gabe to visit with his grandparents for 3 days. And that spring break senior year had morphed into a family trip to Disney Land because by then Gabe would be old enough to appreciate it.
“That certainly makes sense,” Diane said. “And I think that little one is going to keep you and Max very busy!”
If only we knew.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
We spent the better part of the next day blazing through several major shopping malls as well as some smaller boutiques and consignment shops. Diane and Isabel were in hyperdrive while Maria, Amy, and I just tried to keep up. As soon as I announced that we were going with a space theme, Diane and Isabel launched into a heated discussion about the merits of a whimsical, cartoonish approach (Diane’s choice) or a more astronomy-inspired stellar approach (Isabel’s choice). They went on for about 10 minutes while I looked on in amusement before it dawned on either of them to ask me.
“Why don’t we just see what we can find and we’ll build from there?” I suggested. And here I thought the pregnant woman was supposed to be the irrational one!
We’d gotten through the non-themed essentials - stroller, high chair, car seat, bottles, diapers, wipes, bath products and the like - and we were browsing around a smaller store when something caught my eye. It was a little brown and white stuffed dog with a silver and red space suit embroidered with the name “Cosmo”. Some kids have a favorite blanket or pacifier, but I knew right then and there that Cosmo was going to be Gabriel’s sidekick.
“That’s adorable!” Maria said, taking it from me and looking it over. “He certainly fits the theme!”
“I know, I think he’s perfect,” I agreed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
By the end of the day, it felt as though we’d picked every baby store in the entire city clean. At one point, I’d thought we were going to have to find a place to rent an entire U-Haul box truck, never mind the trailer we’d brought with us!
We’d reached a happy medium with the nursery aesthetic and besides Cosmo, the thing I was most excited about was a beautiful and entirely too-expensive glider with matching foot rest. It was from the same collection as the mahogany crib and changing table and Diane had even arranged for it to be reupholstered in a gorgeous navy blue fabric dotted with tiny white stars. It would be delivered to Roswell in two weeks.
When we’d finished shopping for all things baby, we took the opportunity to do some back-to-school shopping for Maria and Isabel. Up until that point, I’d been so caught up in the whirlwind experience that I’d hardly had a second to breathe let alone think, but watching my two best girlfriends and their mothers as they excitedly tried on outfits for the new school year planted the seeds for that same profound ache from the day before that settled into my stomach and over my chest. I did my best to stay engaged and to offer input or help pick out items as we browsed the racks, but by degrees it seemed like almost everyone that walked by us were a mother and a daughter out for a shopping trip and I felt suddenly and completely alone.
Like many only children, I enjoyed a wonderfully close relationship with both of my parents, but my mother was truly one of my very best friends. I genuinely enjoyed spending time with her and looked forward to going out to eat or to the movies or even just hanging out around the house together. While I don’t feel that I ever took our relationship for granted, I absolutely did assume that she would always be there. When I was little, I’d insisted that she and my father were going to live to be 129 so that I could live to be 100 and they’d still be around.
While I’d never given the logistics of impending motherhood much consideration prior to becoming pregnant, a subconscious part of my brain simply presumed that she would be very much involved in all of the shopping and setting up the nursery and I would get to hear about her experiences when she was pregnant and gain all of this incredible insight from the woman who raised me so well.
Now, that fantasy was shattered.
I grew more reticent as the evening wore on and by the time we’d returned from dinner, I was on the verge of miserable internally, though externally I was fighting with every ounce in me not to let it show. I was beyond grateful for Diane and Amy and everything they did to make the weekend special and I was incredibly thankful for Diane’s generosity so I didn’t want to diminish what they had done to make any of this happen by sulking.
I just wanted my mom.
While everyone was in the living area of the suite sorting their purchases, I excused myself to the girls’ bedroom saying that I wanted to check in with Max. I closed the door quietly behind me and I really did have every intention of calling him, but as I sat down on the edge of the bed, that ache which had begun in my stomach and my chest enveloped my whole body, somatizing my grief until I began to sob under the agony of its weight. I curled onto my side and brought the pillow to my face to drown out my wailing, but the cries that wracked my body were violent and aggressive and entirely beyond my control.
I was in the room for less than a minute before the door came flying open and a panic-stricken Diane was at my side.
“Liz! Are you okay? Is it the baby?” Her voice was thick with anxiety.
I shook my head, sobbing so violently that I barely made a sound, but I managed to weakly choke out, “I want my mom!”
“Oh, Liz!” Diane cried, sitting down beside me on the bed and leaning over to envelop me in a hug. “Oh, honey. I am so sorry. I know how much you miss her. I wish more than anything she was here with us, here with you. I cannot imagine how hard this has been for you. She loved you more than anything in this entire universe and she would be so incredibly proud of you. Proud beyond measure, Liz. I am so, so sorry.”
She held me and cried with me until my sobs finally began to subside into staccato hiccups. I shifted and she pulled back, smoothing my hair away from my face the exact same way my mother would when I was little. It took all I had left in me not to start bawling all over again.
Diane reached over to the bedside table and handed me a few tissues, waiting quietly while I dried my tears and composed myself.
“I’m sorry, Diane,” I said quietly, still sniffling. “You’ve done so much for me and you’ve been so supportive and you organized this amazing weekend and I don’t want you to think that I’m not grateful.”
“Liz, that is the last thing I would ever think, I promise you. You lost your mom, Liz and you have every right to want and miss her! I have always loved you like a daughter and that will never change, but that does not mean that I can ever be her. You are about to become a mother yourself, it is only natural to want your own mother there to guide and support you. I’m 46 years old and I miss my own mother every single day. I cannot imagine what it would’ve been like to not have her at your age.”
“It’s hard. It’s really damned hard,” I mumbled cradling my belly. “I fight every single day to be strong for him, to move forward for him so I can be the best mother possible. And I’m so lucky to have you and Amy to look to as examples of how to be an excellent mother, but it’s just…different,” I finished lamely, not wanting to hurt her feelings in any way.
“The grace and the resilience you’ve shown during these past 8 months has been astounding, but sweetheart, you’re human. These feelings are human and normal and it is healthy to express them. I know that I could never replace your mom, but I will be here every step of the way to help and support you in any way I can. You’re not going to do this alone, you’ve got an entire village behind you. And this precious gift,” she pressed her hand to the side of my bump. “He is going to be so loved that he won’t even know what to do with himself. He already is. And we’re going to tell him all about his amazing grandparents and let him know how much they love him and that they are watching him and always with him. They are always with you, too, Liz. I firmly believe that.”
I took a deep breath and nodded my head. “Thank you Diane. For being here. For everything. I don’t know where I would be without your support.”
“Anything for you, Liz. I love you very much.”
“I love you, too.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Max was waiting on the front stoop when we pulled into the driveway Sunday afternoon. He all but rushed to my door and flung it open with a huge grin.
“Couldn’t wait for me to get into the house, huh?” I teased as he helped me out of the car.
“I missed you too much!” He said, kissing me soundly before enveloping me against his broad chest.
I sunk into his arms and a deep, warm sense of contentedness settled into my bones. I was home.
“I missed you too,” I replied, planting my chin on his chest and looking up at him.
“I could stand here all day,” he said, smiling down at me.
“I could too, but guess what?”
“Hm?”
“You have a lot of unpacking to do, Daddy! And this mama needs a serious nap!”
“Well, before we get to that, there’s something we have to show you,” he said and I could see the twinkle of excitement in his eyes.
“Is Michael done?” I asked, my anticipation building.
“Why don’t we go find out?”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I was standing in front of the closed door to Gabriel’s new nursery with the rest of our friends and family eagerly crowded behind me. Max slid his hands over my eyes and someone opened the door.
“Walk forward three steps and then turn to your left,” he instructed, guiding me into the room.
“Are you ready?”
I nodded eagerly, practically bouncing on the balls of my feet.
“Okay, open your eyes,” he whispered into my ear and slipped his hands from my face.
It took me a minute to process what I was seeing, but when it struck me all I could do was gasp.
“Do you know what you’re looking at?” The question came from Michael who was somewhere behind me.
“It’s…it’s the sky the night of my parents’ funeral. The night Gabriel was conceived,” I murmured, unable to take my eyes off the wall.
“A-plus yet again, Liz Parker,” Michael quipped, pleased.
The wall was painted blue-black with the constellations outlined and named in white. It was centered on Auriga, Taurus, and Perseus, with Pisces and Andromeda to the right, Orion below, Cassiopeia and Ursa Minor above, and Ursa Major, Leo, and Cancer to the left among a collection of others. He also labeled Saturn, Jupiter, Eris, and Makemake. I spent enough time studying astronomy to be able to identify the positions of the constellations based on the time of year and knowing that this configuration would only take place in late January, I only had to follow the logic to understand the meaning.
And at the top of the wall in a beautiful script was the phrase ‘Ex Cor Nostrum, Ad Astra’ - from our heart, to the stars.
“Wow,” I breathed, stunned. Never did I expect something so profoundly meaningful. “It’s perfect. It’s beyond perfect. I just…wow.” I tore myself away from the wall and turned to Max.
“How did you guys come up with this?”
“This was all Michael,” Max said, gesturing to his brother.
“I just wanted to do something special for the little guy, but I wanted it to be something he could grow up with a bit, too. Alex is the one that suggested the phrase,” Michael explained and Alex gave us a salute and a lopsided grin from the doorway. “I’d wanted to use the typical per aspera ad astra, but Alex thought that ex cor nostrum ad astra was more fitting. And considering the fact that he’s taking 7 years of Latin, I figured I’d take his advice.”
“It’s just incredible, Michael. I don’t even know how to thank you,” I said, wrapping my arms around him.
“No need to thank me, kid. I’d do anything for my Godson,” he said, hugging me back.
“And just what makes you think you’re the Godfather?” I joked, letting him go.
“If Maria is the Godmother, I damned well be the Godfather. Alex and Isabel can have the next one!”
“The next one better not show up for years and years from now!” Phillip interjected from the hallway and we all burst into laughter.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“I cannot believe my best friend is an engaged woman!” Maria exclaimed dramatically, enveloping me in a bear hug. “It feels like your first wedding was just yesterday, Petunia!” She teased and then hugged me again.
“Oof, Maria! Baby on board!” I scolded her as she squished Gabriel between us.
“Right, right! Sorry little guy!” She patted my belly. “So when’s the wedding?” She was practically vibrating with excitement.
“Maria! We just got engaged on Saturday and I’m about to have a baby in two months; we’re not in any rush!” I replied, sitting down on the couch.
It was the Monday after our vacation and Maria had insisted that she, Isabel, and I have a girl’s night. Not that I was complaining; I knew that these opportunities were going to be far fewer once Gabriel arrived.
“So you liked the outfits?” Isabel asked, walking in from the kitchen with a bowl of popcorn and three cans of orange soda. Maria made a face as she handed her one.
“Alex has been spending too much time here if this is our beverage selection!” She groused but popped the tab and took a sip anyways.
“You get used to it eventually,” Isabel said. “I mean, it’s pretty much what it tastes like to kiss Alex, so I’m pretty partial!” She waggled her eyebrows.
Maria grimaced and set the offending drink on the coffee table. “Delightful.”
I giggled and shook my head at my two best friends. I’d missed them. “Anyways! To answer your question, Isabel, the outfits couldn’t have been more perfect. Truly. You have such an eye. I cannot wait to see how the pictures turned out!”
“Me either,” Isabel agreed. “So without going into gory detail about my brother’s sex life, how was your trip?”
Being best friends with your boyfriend’s twin sister certainly made for an interesting dynamic! Like any normal teenaged girls, we talked about boys and sex, but there was definitely a bit of a gray area when it came to me or Maria talking about Max or Michael with Isabel.
“It was absolutely incredible!” I gushed. “Except for Saturday, we really didn’t do anything extraordinary, it was just so special to have that time together. It was incredibly hot, but the beach was beautiful and the house was wonderful as always. We’re both really looking forward to brining Gabriel there one day.”
I told them about the day of our engagement and the photoshoot and Max’s proposal, but I left out the bit about my breakdown. For one, it would be a depressing point in an otherwise fun evening, but secondarily I was still having an incredibly difficult time talking about my emotions surrounding the loss of my parents. Even with Max or in therapy, it took a trigger to initiate the conversation and afterwards I was left feeling exposed and vulnerable. And no matter how genuine or well-intentioned, the sympathy offered by others was deeply uncomfortable to receive. It was the tilt of a head or the softening of their eyes, the knitting of a brow. It was the knowledge that there was a tiny voice in the back of their heads saying ‘thank god that didn’t happen to me.’ It was the knowledge that my life had somehow become a tragic story.
It had nothing to do with a lack of trust when it came to Isabel or Maria or anyone in our strange little family unit and I had no question that they would listen to me without judgement or unnecessary platitudes. It was more the notion that my experience somehow made me other. An irrational concept, perhaps, especially considering I was the only pregnant 16 year old we knew, but even then pregnancy and parenthood were something that I knew they would experience eventually; the double homicide of their parents? Not so much. How can you expect someone to relate to you regarding something you wouldn’t wish on your worst enemy?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“Welcome back, Liz,” Jane said, following me into her office.
“Thank you,” I replied, easing into the chair across from her. “I’m sorry for the voicemail cancelation last week, I wasn’t expecting to be in Florida!”
“It’s perfectly okay, I think it’s wonderful that the two of you got the opportunity to go away for a few days. How was your trip?” She asked, settling herself and placing her notepad in her lap.
“It was absolutely incredible. Max proposed,” I said, holding out my hand to show her the ring. “We’re not in any rush to get married,” I added quickly. “But I couldn’t think of a better way for him to have asked.”
“You know, Liz, if you were most any other one of my adolescent clients, I would perhaps be less than thrilled and spend the session trying to dissuade you from making such an enormous decision so young. Even if those clients were pregnant. But knowing your relationship with Max and particularly having the advantage of Jesse’s notes, all I can say is congratulations,” Jane said, smiling.
“Thank you,” I blushed, glancing down at my ring for a moment before looking back to her.
“Something else happened on the trip, though. And I think I need to talk about it,” I began. I explained the discussion Max and I had the night we were watching Night Moves and admitted that it was something I’d been grappling with for months but was reluctant to bring up with her.
“It’s just that I’ve judged myself so harshly for these feelings that it only seemed rational that everyone else would as well. That it all reflects so poorly on my ability to mother my child. And talking with Max made me realize that my perception of this situation is likely not reality, but I still can’t help the way I feel. My baby is coming into this world under such complicated circumstances and I don’t want any of that to be his responsibility. I want him to be loved and cherished and appreciated for who he is and not tied to the tragedy that came before him,” I explained, choosing my words carefully.
“Do you know what I’m hearing from you right now, Liz?” Jane asked, putting her pen down and folding her hands.
I shook my head.
“I am hearing that you want the absolute best for your child and that his happiness and his needs take precedence over your own. That it is more important to you that he lives a life unencumbered from your experiences than it is that you do. Do you know what that makes you?”
I shook my head again.
“That makes you a mother. That makes you an excellent mother,” Jane said softly. “There is no question that the circumstances around your pregnancy are difficult, but you have an incredible support system of people who love you and your son unconditionally. Missing your parents and wanting them back does not make Gabriel any less loved or wanted. In fact, I would argue that he’s even more precious to them and to you because of the circumstances. You and he are your parents’ legacies. They live on because of the two of you. And the best way to honor that legacy is to be the best possible mother to your child and there is no question you are already doing exactly that.
“In terms of your capabilities as a parent or your desire to love and nurture your child, I have absolutely no reservations. What I do worry about, Liz, is your lack of affinity towards self-care. Trauma during pregnancy is one of risk factors for Postpartum Depression and being a teenaged parent is another. While there is no way to predict whether or not you will suffer from this, the best thing that we can do is to prepare you as much as possible and make sure that you are utilizing the support system available to you. You’ve been forced to make some unprecedented adjustments in this past year and that’s only going to accelerate with a newborn. Of course, you’re already in therapy and in couple’s counseling, so that’s an excellent start, but I think it would be prudent to consider a parenting class and a birthing class.”
“That makes sense,” I agreed. I hadn’t even considered the possibility that I could face further emotional complications after Gabriel’s birth.
“I also think that we need to take some steps towards getting you to be more open with people who are not Max. The saying that it takes a village to raise a child is not an empty sentiment; even the most prepared new parents can use all of the help they can get. You need to feel like you can rely on the people that surround you and that you can trust them to be there for you because they love you, not because of obligation. And that’s going to take some effort on your part. It starts with being honest about how you’re feeling because that is the first step to being able to accept support. So if you’re having a bad day and Diane asks you how you’re doing, take that opportunity to open with her. If you’re having a rough day, tell her; if you need help, ask.”
“I think what I’m struggling with most is why connecting with these people I have known and loved my whole life has become so incredibly difficult. I mean, I understand that my parents’ death was the catalyst, but this was never me. Not before. I told Maria and Isabel everything. I never had trouble expressing my feelings or being open about what was on my mind. It’s different with Max, but then again it’s always been different,” I admitted.
“It’s going to take some time. You’ve essentially been in survival mode for the past 8 months. Finding a new normal after a trauma is a complex process and you need to give yourself permission to heal at your own pace. You have phenomenal self-awareness; now it is just a matter of working through these issues in a way that will not overwhelm you or add to your burden. That’s why I’m here.”
“I don’t know what I would do without you, Jane. Truly.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The next few weeks passed by quickly, punctuated with doctor’s appointments, our new birthing class, and a parenting class. We were the youngest couple by at least 4 or 5 years, but everyone was supportive and kind which was a huge relief. We even had the opportunity to take a tour of the maternity ward at Eastern New Mexico Regional Hospital and to discuss our birth plan with Dr. Greenberg and her staff. Overall, I was feeling about as prepared as an almost 17 year old could for such a life-changing event, but there was still one issue to address.
The nursery.
A few weekends after we’d returned home from Florida, the guys were assigned to clearing out the guest room adjacent to mine and Max’s bedroom. Diane and Amy took the opportunity to pack Isabel, Maria, and I into the car and drive north to Albuquerque for a baby shopping spree as our options in Roswell were relatively limited. Diane reasoned that it would give the boys time enough to paint the room and lay the new floors and hang the curtain rods so that it would be ready to be decorated. They’d even rented a small U-Haul trailer to cart all of our purchases home!
“I booked us a suite at the Hotel Parq Central,” Diane said excitedly that Friday evening, taking the exit off of 85 into downtown Albuquerque. “And we have reservations at this little bistro Phillip used to take me to when we were in law school. I thought we could use a real girls’ weekend!”
“Diane, you didn’t have to do all of this, JCPenny would’ve been just fine!” I insisted, uncomfortable with the amount of money the weekend would cost.
“Nonsense! This is my first grand baby and I wanted to do something fun and memorable. Besides, the men are going to be a grumpy, sweaty bunch trying to get that room cleared out and painted this weekend so what better time to get as far away from Roswell as we can!” Diane replied, her eyes twinkling in the rearview mirror.
“I for one am thrilled to not have to deal with Jim complaining about his back every night!” Amy interjected. “I left a tube of arnica on the nightstand and a fridge full of beer. He should be able to figure it out from there!”
We all laughed and I felt simultaneously grateful to have these incredible, supportive women in my life as well as a deep, pervasive ache that my mother was no longer here to enjoy this with us. I knew that weekend was not going to be easy.
Once we were checked in, we had a few hours until our dinner reservation, so Maria and Isabel decided to check out the pool while Diane and Amy went downstairs for a glass of wine. I was exhausted and sore from the drive, so I decided to stay back and take a nap.
I was just starting to drift off, wondering how Max and the guys were making out when I heard my phone ring. I smiled when I saw his name on the screen.
“I was just thinking about you,” I said, grinning.
“Did I wake you? I can call back later,” Max asked, immediately concerned.
“I was just about to take a nap, but I’d much rather talk to you,” I replied. “I’d wanted to call before I laid down, but I didn’t want to interrupt you guys.”
“You are never an interruption, Lillabet. We just stopped to have dinner and I wanted to make sure you’d gotten in safely and you were feeling okay,” Max said.
“We did. Our reservation isn’t until 8, so Maria and Iz went down to the pool and your mom and Amy are down at the wine bar. Your son has been playing Mortal Kombat with my kidneys and ribcage so I figured I’d rest for a bit!”
“I wish I was there to rub your back. It feels really strange to not have you here. It’s been a really long time since we’ve been apart.”
“I know. It’s going to be really bizarre sleeping alone tonight. But I think you would’ve been miserable on this trip! Way too much shopping and estrogen!” I quipped and Max chuckled.
“For you, Lillabet, I would’ve grinned and bore it! But we’re having a pretty good time here. Kyle is off tomorrow, so we’ll have all hands on deck. Michael apparently has something in mind for one of the walls, so we’re under strict instructions to have everything else done by Sunday morning so he can have the room to himself.”
“On the one hand, I love Michael’s art so I’m sure whatever he has planned will be beautiful, but on the other hand I’m really hoping he at least talked to your mom so that we don’t end up with clashing themes.” We’d thrown around some ideas for the nursery, but hadn’t settled on anything specific.
“Well, he asked me how we felt about a space theme and I told him I’d ask you, which is the other reason for my call.”
“Actually, I’m not opposed to that at all,” I replied. It seemed more than fitting for a Roswellian baby to have an outer space themed room and considering how much we both loved astronomy, it felt rather appropriate. “So long as it’s space and not aliens!” I amended quickly. I grew up in an alien themed tourist trap, I didn’t need my son to be surrounded by the same little green men from my childhood!
“I already made that perfectly clear!” Max assured me. “He promised that it would be very tasteful.”
“I’m sure it will be wonderful. I’m excited to see it!”
“So am I,” Max agreed. “I don’t want to keep you from your nap, Lillabet. Why don’t you get some rest and give me a call before you guys go to bed tonight.”
“I will. I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“Good evening, ladies, and welcome to L’Orange. My name is Eddy and I will be your waiter this evening. Are you celebrating anything special with us tonight?” A lanky young man in a crisp white shirt and pinstripe pants greeted us after we were seated.
“Well, I’d certainly say that we are! One last girls’ weekend before the birth of my first grand baby,” Diane beamed and I blushed as the waiter took in my burgeoning belly, half hidden by the tabletop.
“Ah, how exciting! Congratulations are in order, then! Do you ladies know what you would like to drink?”
Dinner was absolutely delicious and Diane spent the better part of it telling stories from her college years with Phillip and my parents.
“And the best part was that there really was a live chicken in the trunk!” Diane was almost in tears and we were all laughing along with her.
“Makes me wish I’d been at college with you guys,” Amy said, dabbing at her eyes with a napkin. “Sounds like it was a whole lot more fun than 8th grade homeroom!” She teased.
“We had some really great times,” Diane agreed and then she looked around the table. “And now it’s about to be your turn, girls!”
Maria and Isabel agreed enthusiastically, but I just smiled. Somehow, I think my college experience is going to be very different from theirs.
“It’s going to be a wonderful experience for you too, Liz,” Diane said, noting my reservation. “Just because you’ll have the baby doesn’t mean you won’t have the opportunity to join clubs and meet new friends and make lasting memories you can one day share with Gabriel.”
“I certainly hope so!” I agreed. “To be honest though, I think my ideas on what I hope to get out of college have changed quite a bit.”
For as long as I can remember, I was so sure I’d end up at Harvard or Boston University and I had this really specific vision of what that would look like. I anticipated that Max and I would be in the same city if not at the same school, sure, but I imagined living on campus and getting really involved with school activities and taking on extracurriculars and TAing opportunities. I’d dreamt about Max and I studying abroad in Europe during our junior year and maybe even getting engaged while there. I’d imagined visiting Maria in New York or Alex at Cal Poly Tech or even having him in Cambridge at MIT if we were really lucky. I pictured long weekends leaf peeping in the fall and skiing in the winter in the mountains of Vermont and all of us meeting for one last spring break in Florida during our senior year.
But after Gabriel, my thoughts were occupied with building a class schedule that allowed either Max or I to be home with him as much as possible. Doing well enough during our first year at community college to secure in state scholarships to UNM so that we wouldn’t have to worry about tuition. Finding an apartment close enough to campus that would also be in a safe neighborhood, maybe even near a park where we could take our son to play. Instead of long weekends in the Green Mountains, it was getting the opportunity for Gabe to visit with his grandparents for 3 days. And that spring break senior year had morphed into a family trip to Disney Land because by then Gabe would be old enough to appreciate it.
“That certainly makes sense,” Diane said. “And I think that little one is going to keep you and Max very busy!”
If only we knew.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
We spent the better part of the next day blazing through several major shopping malls as well as some smaller boutiques and consignment shops. Diane and Isabel were in hyperdrive while Maria, Amy, and I just tried to keep up. As soon as I announced that we were going with a space theme, Diane and Isabel launched into a heated discussion about the merits of a whimsical, cartoonish approach (Diane’s choice) or a more astronomy-inspired stellar approach (Isabel’s choice). They went on for about 10 minutes while I looked on in amusement before it dawned on either of them to ask me.
“Why don’t we just see what we can find and we’ll build from there?” I suggested. And here I thought the pregnant woman was supposed to be the irrational one!
We’d gotten through the non-themed essentials - stroller, high chair, car seat, bottles, diapers, wipes, bath products and the like - and we were browsing around a smaller store when something caught my eye. It was a little brown and white stuffed dog with a silver and red space suit embroidered with the name “Cosmo”. Some kids have a favorite blanket or pacifier, but I knew right then and there that Cosmo was going to be Gabriel’s sidekick.
“That’s adorable!” Maria said, taking it from me and looking it over. “He certainly fits the theme!”
“I know, I think he’s perfect,” I agreed.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
By the end of the day, it felt as though we’d picked every baby store in the entire city clean. At one point, I’d thought we were going to have to find a place to rent an entire U-Haul box truck, never mind the trailer we’d brought with us!
We’d reached a happy medium with the nursery aesthetic and besides Cosmo, the thing I was most excited about was a beautiful and entirely too-expensive glider with matching foot rest. It was from the same collection as the mahogany crib and changing table and Diane had even arranged for it to be reupholstered in a gorgeous navy blue fabric dotted with tiny white stars. It would be delivered to Roswell in two weeks.
When we’d finished shopping for all things baby, we took the opportunity to do some back-to-school shopping for Maria and Isabel. Up until that point, I’d been so caught up in the whirlwind experience that I’d hardly had a second to breathe let alone think, but watching my two best girlfriends and their mothers as they excitedly tried on outfits for the new school year planted the seeds for that same profound ache from the day before that settled into my stomach and over my chest. I did my best to stay engaged and to offer input or help pick out items as we browsed the racks, but by degrees it seemed like almost everyone that walked by us were a mother and a daughter out for a shopping trip and I felt suddenly and completely alone.
Like many only children, I enjoyed a wonderfully close relationship with both of my parents, but my mother was truly one of my very best friends. I genuinely enjoyed spending time with her and looked forward to going out to eat or to the movies or even just hanging out around the house together. While I don’t feel that I ever took our relationship for granted, I absolutely did assume that she would always be there. When I was little, I’d insisted that she and my father were going to live to be 129 so that I could live to be 100 and they’d still be around.
While I’d never given the logistics of impending motherhood much consideration prior to becoming pregnant, a subconscious part of my brain simply presumed that she would be very much involved in all of the shopping and setting up the nursery and I would get to hear about her experiences when she was pregnant and gain all of this incredible insight from the woman who raised me so well.
Now, that fantasy was shattered.
I grew more reticent as the evening wore on and by the time we’d returned from dinner, I was on the verge of miserable internally, though externally I was fighting with every ounce in me not to let it show. I was beyond grateful for Diane and Amy and everything they did to make the weekend special and I was incredibly thankful for Diane’s generosity so I didn’t want to diminish what they had done to make any of this happen by sulking.
I just wanted my mom.
While everyone was in the living area of the suite sorting their purchases, I excused myself to the girls’ bedroom saying that I wanted to check in with Max. I closed the door quietly behind me and I really did have every intention of calling him, but as I sat down on the edge of the bed, that ache which had begun in my stomach and my chest enveloped my whole body, somatizing my grief until I began to sob under the agony of its weight. I curled onto my side and brought the pillow to my face to drown out my wailing, but the cries that wracked my body were violent and aggressive and entirely beyond my control.
I was in the room for less than a minute before the door came flying open and a panic-stricken Diane was at my side.
“Liz! Are you okay? Is it the baby?” Her voice was thick with anxiety.
I shook my head, sobbing so violently that I barely made a sound, but I managed to weakly choke out, “I want my mom!”
“Oh, Liz!” Diane cried, sitting down beside me on the bed and leaning over to envelop me in a hug. “Oh, honey. I am so sorry. I know how much you miss her. I wish more than anything she was here with us, here with you. I cannot imagine how hard this has been for you. She loved you more than anything in this entire universe and she would be so incredibly proud of you. Proud beyond measure, Liz. I am so, so sorry.”
She held me and cried with me until my sobs finally began to subside into staccato hiccups. I shifted and she pulled back, smoothing my hair away from my face the exact same way my mother would when I was little. It took all I had left in me not to start bawling all over again.
Diane reached over to the bedside table and handed me a few tissues, waiting quietly while I dried my tears and composed myself.
“I’m sorry, Diane,” I said quietly, still sniffling. “You’ve done so much for me and you’ve been so supportive and you organized this amazing weekend and I don’t want you to think that I’m not grateful.”
“Liz, that is the last thing I would ever think, I promise you. You lost your mom, Liz and you have every right to want and miss her! I have always loved you like a daughter and that will never change, but that does not mean that I can ever be her. You are about to become a mother yourself, it is only natural to want your own mother there to guide and support you. I’m 46 years old and I miss my own mother every single day. I cannot imagine what it would’ve been like to not have her at your age.”
“It’s hard. It’s really damned hard,” I mumbled cradling my belly. “I fight every single day to be strong for him, to move forward for him so I can be the best mother possible. And I’m so lucky to have you and Amy to look to as examples of how to be an excellent mother, but it’s just…different,” I finished lamely, not wanting to hurt her feelings in any way.
“The grace and the resilience you’ve shown during these past 8 months has been astounding, but sweetheart, you’re human. These feelings are human and normal and it is healthy to express them. I know that I could never replace your mom, but I will be here every step of the way to help and support you in any way I can. You’re not going to do this alone, you’ve got an entire village behind you. And this precious gift,” she pressed her hand to the side of my bump. “He is going to be so loved that he won’t even know what to do with himself. He already is. And we’re going to tell him all about his amazing grandparents and let him know how much they love him and that they are watching him and always with him. They are always with you, too, Liz. I firmly believe that.”
I took a deep breath and nodded my head. “Thank you Diane. For being here. For everything. I don’t know where I would be without your support.”
“Anything for you, Liz. I love you very much.”
“I love you, too.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Max was waiting on the front stoop when we pulled into the driveway Sunday afternoon. He all but rushed to my door and flung it open with a huge grin.
“Couldn’t wait for me to get into the house, huh?” I teased as he helped me out of the car.
“I missed you too much!” He said, kissing me soundly before enveloping me against his broad chest.
I sunk into his arms and a deep, warm sense of contentedness settled into my bones. I was home.
“I missed you too,” I replied, planting my chin on his chest and looking up at him.
“I could stand here all day,” he said, smiling down at me.
“I could too, but guess what?”
“Hm?”
“You have a lot of unpacking to do, Daddy! And this mama needs a serious nap!”
“Well, before we get to that, there’s something we have to show you,” he said and I could see the twinkle of excitement in his eyes.
“Is Michael done?” I asked, my anticipation building.
“Why don’t we go find out?”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I was standing in front of the closed door to Gabriel’s new nursery with the rest of our friends and family eagerly crowded behind me. Max slid his hands over my eyes and someone opened the door.
“Walk forward three steps and then turn to your left,” he instructed, guiding me into the room.
“Are you ready?”
I nodded eagerly, practically bouncing on the balls of my feet.
“Okay, open your eyes,” he whispered into my ear and slipped his hands from my face.
It took me a minute to process what I was seeing, but when it struck me all I could do was gasp.
“Do you know what you’re looking at?” The question came from Michael who was somewhere behind me.
“It’s…it’s the sky the night of my parents’ funeral. The night Gabriel was conceived,” I murmured, unable to take my eyes off the wall.
“A-plus yet again, Liz Parker,” Michael quipped, pleased.
The wall was painted blue-black with the constellations outlined and named in white. It was centered on Auriga, Taurus, and Perseus, with Pisces and Andromeda to the right, Orion below, Cassiopeia and Ursa Minor above, and Ursa Major, Leo, and Cancer to the left among a collection of others. He also labeled Saturn, Jupiter, Eris, and Makemake. I spent enough time studying astronomy to be able to identify the positions of the constellations based on the time of year and knowing that this configuration would only take place in late January, I only had to follow the logic to understand the meaning.
And at the top of the wall in a beautiful script was the phrase ‘Ex Cor Nostrum, Ad Astra’ - from our heart, to the stars.
“Wow,” I breathed, stunned. Never did I expect something so profoundly meaningful. “It’s perfect. It’s beyond perfect. I just…wow.” I tore myself away from the wall and turned to Max.
“How did you guys come up with this?”
“This was all Michael,” Max said, gesturing to his brother.
“I just wanted to do something special for the little guy, but I wanted it to be something he could grow up with a bit, too. Alex is the one that suggested the phrase,” Michael explained and Alex gave us a salute and a lopsided grin from the doorway. “I’d wanted to use the typical per aspera ad astra, but Alex thought that ex cor nostrum ad astra was more fitting. And considering the fact that he’s taking 7 years of Latin, I figured I’d take his advice.”
“It’s just incredible, Michael. I don’t even know how to thank you,” I said, wrapping my arms around him.
“No need to thank me, kid. I’d do anything for my Godson,” he said, hugging me back.
“And just what makes you think you’re the Godfather?” I joked, letting him go.
“If Maria is the Godmother, I damned well be the Godfather. Alex and Isabel can have the next one!”
“The next one better not show up for years and years from now!” Phillip interjected from the hallway and we all burst into laughter.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~