Spoilers: Eh, all of Roswell is up for grabs, but this is pure crack so it doesn’t really matter.
Category: UC, AU, Ensemble, and oh yeah, Crack!
Rating: Mature
Pairings: Polar, Fifthwheeler, Incrowder, Max and Maria friendly
Summary: Something mysterious is happening in Michael’s refrigerator; investigation, banter, and crack ensues.
Warning: Some foul language and implied naughtiness, also, Crack!
Disclaimer: The characters of Roswell belong to Jason Katims, Melinda Metz, WB, and UPN. They are not ours and no infringement is intended.
A/N: First of all, welcome to the first fic officially posted by Ashita and Whimsicality under our new joint account PolarTwins! This account is for all stories we write together and we promise there will be more to come.
Second of all, this fic is pure crack, inspired by the chats Ashita and I do over on RH. We have a running gag where whenever we both say the same thing (happens a spooky amount of the time…) we say Jinx and send the Coke to Michael because neither of us likes Coke. Then one day one of us mentioned how many Cokes Michael must have by now and what he thinks of them randomly appearing and thus this fic was born…Enjoy!
"Damn it!" Michael exclaimed, staring at the contents of his fridge in disbelief.
"What, another one?" Liz asked curiously, turning her head so she could see him over the back of the couch.
"Yes." He ground out, snatching something out of the fridge. "Where the hell do they keep coming from?"
"Your guess is as good as mine." Liz said with a shrug, her brow furrowing thoughtfully as she stared into the kitchen, mind whirling with possibilities.
"What are you grousing about now, Chewie?" Kyle queried, throwing down his game controller in disgust as Max killed his character again.
"The Cokes," Michael grunted, waving the can he was holding in the air. "Every time I open the fridge, there are more. They multiply like rabbits."
Kyle raised an eyebrow and chuckled, rising from the couch and sauntering towards the kitchen. "Sure you're not just getting forgetful in your old age?"
Michael glared at him, and then tossed him the Coke with more force than necessary, Kyle letting out a soft oof as he caught it. "Yes R2, I'm sure I'm not imagining the freakishly appearing soda." He growled out.
Kyle glared in turn at the chuckling alien and smirked. "Soooo…where are they coming from?" he snickered, popping the tab on his Coke and winging an amused brow at his friend, his laugh deepening when Michael scowled.
"If I knew that, Jawa,” Michael lofted patronizingly, fixing the shorter man with an exasperated moue before turning back to the fridge in puzzlement. “Don't you think I would have done something by now?”
"Maybe it's a temporal portal, or some kind of small, localized wormhole," Liz offered helpfully, eyeing Kyle’s Coke with trepidation as he took a long swig, shuddering and shaking her head as he looked at her blankly.
“Just Cokes?” Kyle complained, peering at the neat stack of Cokes on the shelf and sneering. “How boring,; random alien occurrences should be more interesting, it's a rule.”
“Huh…” Liz hummed thoughtfully, rising from the couch with a measured frown and coming up behind the boys, nibbling on her lip as they both turned to her curiously. “I wonder if it works both ways.”
“Oooo…” Kyle squealed excitedly, turning dancing blue eyes from his friends to their new treasure trove of possibilities and rubbing his hands together with anticipation. “We should try it.”
“Don’t encourage him, Liz.” Isabel piped up from the couch, sending a harassed look at the small brunette and at her brother, who was rubbing his chin contemplatively as he mulled over the potential, one brow lofted curiously.
Ignoring his sister and his girlfriend, who shot him a warning glance, Michael gestured towards the fridge. “What would we send?”
Kyle cackled softly when it became clear the other boy was going to go along with it and scanned his eyes over the kitchen, grinning widely as he spotted the case of Snapple on the counter next to the open fridge. “Ooo...Snapple...gotta send Snapple.”
"Snapple? We can send anything and you come up with Snapple?" Liz asked, unable to stop herself despite knowing that the whole idea was a bad one.
Isabel snorted softly at the offended expression on her boyfriend's face before crossing her arms over her chest, recalling the argument they'd been having before arriving at her brother's apartment. "Send those magazines I know you still haven't gotten rid of." She drawled sarcastically, giving him a tight, vicious smile when he flinched slightly.
“Magazines you say...I know of no magazines.” Kyle replied with a charming smile and wink, voice only wavering slightly.
“What, you mean those magazines you tried to get me to hide for you?” Alex piped up, lifting his head from the floor where he was laying, perusing Michael's DVD collection.
“Dude. Give it up.” Michael interrupted, giving Kyle a hearty clap on the back that made the smaller boy stumble forward slightly. “We ALL know of the magazines.”
Kyle recovered his balance and shot both boys a glare before staring balefully down at the Coke in his hands,; lips curving down into an expression he would deny was a pout. “Well that's only because of a certain snooping blond going through my things.”
Tess rolled her eyes from the recliner next to Alex. “Oh get over it Buddha boy. That was like four years ago, what's your excuse now?”
“Yes, Kyle.” Isabel said icily, forbidding princess demeanor snapping into place. “Please do tell me what those girls have that I don't. Be very specific.” Her voice was low and menacing and Kyle gulped audibly, muttering under his breath. “Moving on...”
“Too late man,” Michael snorted, tossing Kyle a devilish grin as he leaned on the fridge door, sharing a speaking glance with Liz and sniggering when Kyle frowned. “You are so in the doghouse.”
The guys in the other room snickered when Isabel’s frosty expression latched onto Michael, making him squirm as Max looked up from his video game, brow puckered as he commented uneasily. “Anyone else think that a random portal to another place might be a bad idea? What if they start sending something else?”
“We should test that...I vote for beer....” Kyle nodded enthusiastically; momentarily forgetting Isabel’s displeasure until she cleared her throat pointedly and he cringed, sending her a sheepish grin as he amended hastily. “Or jewelry, yes jewelry for my beautiful girlfriend.”
Shoving a disgusted Michael aside, and glaring when the tall alien rolled his eyes, Kyle dropped to his knees and chanted. “Oh magical fridge blessed by Buddha, please bring this poor soul a carat...” Kyle glanced over his shoulder and studied Isabel’s face and amended, scraping the floor in a low bow. “Two carat, make that two carat diamond pendant.”
Then, exchanging a mischievous grin with Michael, he added on unrepentantly, unable to resist testing this new toy. “And an unlimited fountain of beer.” Nodding his head assertively, he smiled with satisfaction as he rose; crying out in pain when a Coke can flew out of nowhere and landed on his head with an audible thud.
“Well that was a fuck you if I ever saw one, Valenti.” Michael guffawed, holding onto the door for support as Kyle rubbed his head and swore colorfully under his breath.
“Fuck you too, Guerin.” Kyle spat, coming to his feet unsteadily, giving the cheerful, red cans gleaming mockingly on the shelf the evil eye and whined. “God my head hurts.”
Huffing, Isabel lofted her eyes to the ceiling and clambered to her feet, walking over to her muttering boyfriend and forcibly sat him in a stool, running a glowing hand over his head to heal the nasty goose egg as she grumbled. “Don't think this means I forgive you.”
“Well I guess that answers one question,” Liz murmured dryly, cocking her head like a curious squirrel, her scientific mind fascinated by the Coke appearing out of thin air and looked over her shoulder towards her friends inquisitively. “Should we try sending something?”
“I still have those maracas that Alex left in the dishwasher.” Tess offered with a smirk as she looked up from her magazine, idly stroking her fingers over Alex’s head.
“I still have no idea where I got those.” Alex rumbled, his brow furrowing with confusion as he stared off into space and then purred happily when Tess’s fingers teased the tip of one ear.
“Yeah, well that's what happens when you're downing pitchers of White Russians, beanpole,” Michael razzed, snickering when annoyed blue eyes flicked over to him ruefully, remembering all too well how that night of debauchery ended.
Max cleared his throat, raising an eyebrow when everyone's eyes were drawn to him before directing his gaze at Tess and asking with genuine curiosity and confusion. “One question, why do you have the maracas here?”
Liz chuckled and spoke before Tess could, her grin wide and her eyes sparkling with mischief. “Oh, because we added them to the blackmail box.”
“Blackmail box?” Kyle asked dumbfoundedly, staring at his ex-girlfriend and leaning into his current girlfriend's soothing touch. “Should we be afraid?”
Maria snickered, shooting her stepbrother a vindictive glance. “You should be very afraid.”
Kyle squinted evilly back at her before turning his back on all of the girls but Isabel, glancing shiftily at his tall, looming friend, and then reaching for the cupboards his stool was next to, which happened to be the ones just under the sink. He opened them, feeling curious eyes burning into his neck, and pulled out a small stack of less than appropriate magazines he had stashed there during the aforementioned night of debauchery. Turning back around, he did his best to appear nonchalant, ignoring the death glares from Isabel and Michael. "So, what, I guess we just leave them where the Cokes are appearing?"
Isabel's glare didn't even falter, but Michael's lips twitched into a smirk. "I guess."
Kyle leaned forward, ignoring the tension as he glanced between the fridge and the magazines, still forcing his casual tone and expression, though a hint of irritation slipped through as he spoke. "Maybe we should chuck the magazines at it, like they chucked the Coke at my head."
~*~
Ashita: You'll never guess what just dropped in my lap Whimsicality: What?
Ashita: A stack of Busty Biker Babes magazines....
Whimsicality: Tak's idea of a joke?
Ashita: No, they appeared out of thin air. I mean that literally.
Whimsicality: Seriously?! Well, throw ‘em back in the air, with a note requesting naked men instead.
Ashita: Naked Roswell men...good idea.
~*~
Moments after Kyle tossed the magazines into the fridge, all of them watching in awe as they disappeared, they came flying back out from wherever they went, dropping to the floor at his feet. Michael frowned and leaned down, picking up the top one which had a sticky note attached, gaped, chuckled, and then read it out loud. "We'd rather have naked pictures of the boys."
Kyle recoiled in horror from the magazine he'd been reaching for and scowled at the fridge. "I knew it! I knew it was some creepy perv!"
Maria snorted, exchanging an amused glance with Isabel at his sudden change of heart, cracking over her shoulder as she headed out to grab the maracas. "Look who's talking..."
Liz chuckled and then grinned winsomely at Kyle and Michael. "I say do it. In the name of scientific curiosity."
Michael smirked back at her and crossed his arms over his chest, subtly flexing his muscles. "I'll take one for the team."
Liz frowned; irritated with herself because she knew she should have expected that answer, and did her own about face. "No, I'm not sharing you."
Alex laughed, shooting an amused glance at his best friend. "What happened to scientific curiosity?"
His girlfriend snickered, still playing with his hair, her fingers tightening possessively as she silently agreed with Liz. "It lost to reality."
“Fine then… maracas...anything else?” Michael noted, lofting an inquisitive brow before fixing Kyle with an evil grin, snarking mockingly. “Other than the Snapple.”
“Hey…it made sense, Goliath,” Kyle groused, crossing his arms over his chest as the others laughed at his petulant moue. “Snapple in exchange for Coke.”
“Well, as much as I'm sure some of us would like to send a person through,” Liz drawled with a sly glance at Isabel and Kyle, chuckling when the man sent her an affronted glance. “Maybe we should start with that, make sure it doesn't have any adverse effects.”
Grabbing the maracas from Maria as she came back into the room, shaking them over her head and dancing to a beat only she could hear, Liz cautiously placed them on the shelf on top of the Cokes and swallowed thickly, blinking owlishly as they disappeared into thin air.
~*~
Whimsicality: Any response to the note? Ashita: Nope, sadly.
Whimsicality: Holy crap!
Ashita: What?
Whimsicality: A set of Maracas just fell on my head!
Ashita: Think this has anything to do with the Cokes we keep ‘sending’ to Michael?
Whimsicality: Maybe this has something to do with those Cokes we keep sending.
Both: Jinx
~*~
The group stared at the fridge intently, no one so much as batting a lash, fearful that they might miss something if they dared as several seconds ticked by, dragging out painfully as the boys shifted impatiently. Tired of waiting, Kyle stepped up, peering at the top of the icebox as if he were expecting a vortex to open and grunted when a Coke flew out as he straightened up, catching him squarely in the gut. “Crap! Why does this keep happening?”
“Well at least we know they liked the maracas better than the magazines,” Max sniggered, coming up behind a winded Kyle and waving his hand over the other boy’s stomach, easing the pain and nausea swirling through it.
“Maybe it's karma talking.” Isabel taunted, her voice dipping with saccharine sweetness as she fluttered her lashes at her less than pleased boyfriend, smirking when Kyle edged around the open fridge door apprehensively.
"Send the Snapple! Send the Snapple!” Maria crowed, bouncing on her heels and chortling with glee as she pinned her stepbrother with a devilish smile. “I want to see what happens!”
“Maria to English translation: you want to see your stepbrother get hurt again.” Alex cracked, his eyes dancing with mischief as they skimmed over the excitable blond before flitting to a still scowling Kyle.
“Well duh…” Maria drawled, her lips curving in jest, green eyes sparkling when Kyle shot her an evil look and wagged his finger threateningly, warning lightly. “I’ll remember that, Blondie.” His lips curled down when the blond laughed and sneered, “Well there is a first time for everything.”
“Should we have been filming this?” Liz queried faintly, both the scientist and blackmailer in her wondering at the possibilities as her brows lofted in amusement and she turned to towards the living room, meeting equally amused cerulean eyes.
“Oh we definitely should be.” Tess agreed with an emphatic nod.
“Think of the blackmail potential,” Isabel relished, nearly salivating as she tapped a finger to the evil curl of her lips, the wicked gleam shining out of bright brown eyes eliciting a fearful shudder from her boyfriend. “The box needs new offerings now that the maracas are gone.”
Kyle sunk back onto his stool, flicking a half-sorrowful, half-frustrated glance at his significant other. "Maybe we should see if a person can go through." He muttered, eyes tilting towards the fridge hopefully. "They might be nicer on the other side."
Maria walked forward, grabbed two Snapples off the counter, and slung them both into the fridge without a word, then propped her hands on her hips and grinned. After a moment she noticed everyone’s stares and shrugged. "What? I was impatient; you guys can banter forever."
~*~
Ashita: So, what did you do with the maracas? Send them back?”Whimsicality: Hell no, I'm keeping them. Proof of the insanity.
Ashita: LOL…What the heck?
Whimsicality: What?
Ashita: It’s raining Snapple.
Whimsicality: The insanity continues!
Ashita: I almost got hit by a bottle.
Whimsicality: Should we try to send something else back, besides Coke?
Ashita: Yes....what would be good...hmmm...
Whimsicality: Needs to be creative, they did start with smut mags
Whimsicality: How about those breast enhancing Japanese cookies your husband bought on accident?
Ashita: Ohhhhh....yes, I like the way you think. Okay, let’s see what they think of this…
~*~
Michael snagged the colorful box out of the air before it could hit the floor, and stared down at the strange writing, reaching up to scratch his eyebrow. "What the hell are these?"Kyle leaned over and grabbed them out of his hand, popping the box open and smirking at him as he pulled out a light brown wafer. "They're cookies Chewbacca. You know, for eating?"
Michael rolled his eyes and snagged the box back, pulling out one of the cookies before tossing the box to Max, who also pulled out a cookie before sliding the box across the floor to Alex, the guys showing solidarity against the girls and their scheming ways. A few moments passed and then spitting sounds could be heard and grimaces could be seen on the faces of all of the males. "Ugh. These are the foulest things I've ever eaten." Alex exclaimed, frantically brushing crumbs off his tongue.
Tess leaned down, sparing her boyfriend a less than sympathetic smirk, and pulled the box out of his loose grip, skimming the words written on the side, which she could read thanks to Nasedo and his obsession with supposedly useful things. Her mouth fell open as the meaning of the characters sunk in and then she chuckled, gesturing to Liz who closed the distance between them and leaned down to hear Tess's whispered words.
Liz jerked back in shock, staring down at the blond with wide brown eyes. "No way. You can't be serious!"
Michael, having disposed of his disgusting treat, glanced suspiciously over at the two of them. "What are you two cackling about?"
His girlfriend, having recovered her composure, casually rested her arm on top of the recliner Tess was sitting in and smirked knowingly at him. "Oh nothing. Just something interesting about the...properties of the cookies."
Tess snickered at her vague words and shot her brother a wicked grin. "Did you even bother reading the package before you ripped into those?"
Kyle gave Alex a meaningful look and he took the box from his girlfriend's unresisting grasp and tossed it to the other boy, who stared down at the package in concentration, before scowling. "I can't read this, it's Asian."
Alex scoffed, slumping back against Tess's legs, already regretting giving Kyle the box. "You are just a model of sensitivity aren't you?"
Kyle blinked, staring wide-eyed at the other boy before glancing at the others who looked equally disgusted. "What did I say?"
"It's Japanese you dimwit." His stepsister replied scathingly, green eyes shifting towards him in annoyance. "Even I know that, and I barely paid attention in school."
Michael waved his hands between them, cutting off the brewing argument. "Hey, let's mock the midget's lack of social skills later; I want to know what's in the cookies."
Liz snickered, exchanging another highly amused glance with Tess before focusing her attention on her boyfriend, who was staring at her intently. "Well," She demurred, "Let's just say they enhance certain...physical attributes."
All four boys exchanged worried glances before chorusing almost in unison "What physical attributes?"
Tess giggled, deciding to put them out of their misery as she tossed a slightly derisive glance at the brunette leaning on her chair. "Attributes that Liz needs enhanced more than you four."
Both girls watched in delight as their words sunk in, Isabel and Maria getting it first and both starting to laugh, Michael and Alex following shortly thereafter and exchanging horrified looks. Max and Kyle were last and they both groaned before Kyle shot Max a taunting smirk, his sense of humor returning. "Well you definitely don't need any help there Max, unless you've already been eating the cookies?"
Max glared at him and Kyle laughed, slipping an arm around Isabel's waist and giving her an apologetic and affectionate glance. "Well I've been assaulted by Coke cans, twice, and now eaten the foulest cookies known to man, I'm done."
"Awww, poor Kyle." Maria mocked. "Did the great magic fridge disappoint you?"
Kyle tightened his grip on his girlfriend and frowned back at her. "Shove it, Blondie."
"Well that was entertaining." Isabel stated with a small smile, accepting his embrace and sharing an amused look with the other girls.
Tess nodded emphatically, pointing towards the now discarded cookie box, sitting on the counter. "We definitely need to save that box."
Liz chuckled and pulled away from the recliner, walking back into the kitchen and brushing past Michael to pick up the box, tapping it against her hip with ill-concealed glee. "Perfect blackmail material, since Maria ruined our video chances."
"Definitely goes down in the annals as best unintentional prank." Tess agreed with a wide grin as Maria pouted.
"Chalk another one up to karma." Isabel added sententiously, her lips twitching as she glanced down at her boyfriend's rather amusing expression.
"Maybe I'll convert to Buddhism after this." Maria replied, laughing as she moved past her bad mood with the same lightning quickness she'd entered it.
Kyle glared at all of them and pulled Isabel towards the door, muttering "Blasphemers" under his breath. Everyone laughed, but all of them, excluding Michael and Liz, began to head towards the door as well. Michael wrapped a hand around Liz's wrist before she could walk out of the kitchen and pulled her flush against him, smirking down into her clearly amused face.
"Want to give it another shot after the peanut gallery leaves?" He murmured, using his other hand to brush her hair away from her face. She shrugged, glancing down, and he chuckled, tilting her chin up with his index finger. "I know that look in your eyes; you're dying to experiment."
She hesitated for another moment before nodding, lips curving into a genuine smile as she leaned against his chest. "Fine yes, but this time we video and no," She shook her head, noting the familiar wicked gleam in his eyes, "No nudity."
"Fine." Michael stated, parroting her own words back to her as he gently stroked her cheek with his thumb before leaning down to whisper huskily in her ear. "We'll skip the nudity...this time." She shivered and blushed furiously and he chuckled, brushing his lips against her ear. "Don't worry; I don't keep it in a blackmail box."
~*~
Whimsicality: Did you get anything else? Ashita: Nope, you?
Whimsicality: I don't think they liked your present.
Ashita: Want to bet that the guys ate them before reading the box?
Whimsicality: Of course, they did, and I'm sure the girls tortured them mercilessly for it.
Whimsicality: Should we send something else to make up for it? Or wait?
Ashita: Balls in their court. I say we wait and see what they come up with. It will take quite a bit to top that one.
Whimsicality: Lol, true.
Whimsicality: I guess we wait and see.
Ashita: Or maybe we should take pity on them...
Whimsicality: What is that evil mind plotting?
Ashita: Something Michael will thank me for profusely…
~*~
Laughing softly at Michael’s comment, Liz tipped her head back and lofted a brow, about to reply to his teasing words when a faint shimmer of light spilled out of the fridge and caught the corner of her eye. Swinging her head towards the still open door, her brow furrowed faintly, drawing Michael’s contemplative gaze as they disentangled and walked over, staring at an innocuous looking purple box.Picking up the box, Michael perused the contents with interest, a slow, wicked smile curving his lips as Liz looked over his arm, her eyes widening, squirming slightly when darkening caramel eyes traveled over her slowly, as she read aloud. “Edible body paint – seductive strawberry, very blueberry, party pineapple and exotic pina colada – oh my.”
“Yes! I’m beginning to love this person!” Michael crowed, licking his lips as he slammed the door shut and smirked sexily the petite brunette, snagging her hand and dragging her towards the bedroom. “It’s like having my very own fairy Godmother! Although, we might just have to break that no nudity clause…lets go, woman!”
