When Our Feet Touch the Ground (M/L, AU,TEEN) [COMPLETE]

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Oz
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Re: When Our Feet Touch the Ground (M/L, AU, TEEN) Ch 10 21/9/09

Post by Oz »

Hi All,

Sorry for the delay. I will try harder I promise!

I hope you enjoy the update!

Thanks for sticking in there.


11

“Michael? What’s going on?” I asked as I found Michael pacing the corridor in the emergency department.

“One minute Maria’s fine, nagging me to change the channel on the TV or something, and the next minute she’s doubled over in pain. She was bleeding Liz. She was bleeding…” Michael choked out, his face white with shock.

“Hey, hey.” I said, putting my arms around Michael and holding him tight. “She’ll be okay.”

“Th-they said that they had to take the baby out, but it’s too early.” Michael cried.

“The baby’s 35 weeks old. It’s old enough to survive.” I reassured him.

“What if it doesn’t? What if Maria doesn’t? I don’t know what I would do.” Michael sobbed.

“They will both be fine. I’m sure of it.” I comforted him. “Maria has done everything that the doctors have told her to, and she’s made it this far.”

“Mr Guerin?” A doctor approached. Michael stood up straight and wiped the tears from his face.

“How is she?” Michael blurted.

“Your daughter was delivered safely and has been taken to the nursery. She’s small and will likely have to spend the next month here until she can feed on her own.” The doctor explained.

“And Maria? How’s Maria?” Michael demanded to know.

“She lost a lot of blood.” The doctor explained, and I saw the blood drain from Michael’s face as he expected the worst. “We’ve given her a couple of transfusions and she seems to be responding well but the next 24 hours will be critical.”

“Can I see her?” Michael asked.

“She hasn’t woken up yet, but you’re welcome to come and sit by her bed.” The doctor allowed.

“Can you call Amy?” Michael addressed me. “She’s trying to get the first flight out of Florida in the morning. I told her I would keep her updated as to Maria’s condition.”

“Of course.” I agreed, before I watched Michael race down the hall to Maria’s room.

I called Amy and gave her the update of Maria and the baby. She would be in Roswell first thing in the morning and I offered to pick her up from the airport.

When I hung up the phone, I suddenly felt as though the room was closing in on me. I couldn’t breathe – my best friend could die tonight. My best friend could die! My knees began to wobble, and I clutched onto the nearest wall to support my downward spiral to the ground. Once I was sure I could not fall any further, I put my head in my hands and allowed myself to cry for my friend – and for me.

I know that Max walked out on me over a minor misunderstanding, and that I should be hurt or angry or both for giving up on us so easily. But the only person I wanted to call at that moment was him. I dialled the number.

Hey, you’ve reached Max Evans. I can’t take your call right now but if you leave you’re name and number I’ll get back to you.” Max’s voicemail answered.

I hung up without leaving a message. What do you say to someone who has just walked out on you, but you still need them desperately?

I called another familiar number.

“Hello.” The voice answered.

“Phillip?” I confirmed. “It’s Liz.”

“Liz…” Phillip seemed hesitant. “Uh, what can I do for you?”

“I’m looking for Max. Have you seen him?” I asked.

“Uh… he’s here.” Phillip confirmed, but didn’t seem in a rush to put Max on the phone.

“How is he?” I asked.

Max was the one who walked out, leaving me when my best friend was possibly dying, and I was worried about how he was? I couldn’t break the habit of putting him before everything else – despite what he thought to the contrary.

“He’s been better.” Phillip replied.

“Can you please tell him something for me?” I asked.

“Sure Liz.” Philip seemed relieved that I wasn’t going to demand that he put Max on the phone.

“Could you tell him that I’m at the hospital and there’s a chance that Maria might die, and no matter what is going on between him and I at the moment, I really need my husband right now because I don’t know if I can handle this on my own.” I burst into tears.

“Oh, Liz.” Philip sympathised.

“Will you tell him?” I asked.

“Of course.” Philip replied.

“Is there anything else I can do for you?” Philip asked sincerely.

“No, but thanks.” I sniffled.

“You call me if you need anything, no matter what time. You know you’ll always be my daughter.” Philip smiled.

“Thanks.” I was too overwhelmed to say more. He was talking as if my marriage was already over.

“Hold tight there Liz.” Philip said before hanging up the phone.

My head was spinning. I felt as though my world was shattering – I was losing my husband and my best friend in the same night. What could have happened to turn my world to crap? Why was Karma trying to take a big huge bite out of me?

* * * * *

After all the tears had been spilled, and I was so sure that I was incapable of crying any more, I remembered something important - the baby. Maria and Michael’s baby was down the hall in the nursery all by herself. She had been in the world for less than an hour and she hadn’t had a chance to meet either of her parents. The least I could do was to be with her so that she wasn’t alone.

I found the nursery easily, and there were a few babies in there, but I didn’t have any trouble guessing which one was Maria’s. There was only one that was in an incubation crib.

“Are you a relative?” The nurse asked.

“No. My best friend…” I began before I choked. I couldn’t cry but I couldn’t say the words either.

The nurse noticed in sympathy. She had obviously been filled in on the status of the mother.

“Do you want to sit with her?” The nurse offered, pulling up a chair next to the crib.

I nodded, and took a seat. Looking at the baby I couldn’t believe how small and delicate she was. The details on the side of the crib said that she was only 5 pounds. So tiny…

I started talking to her. I don’t know how long for, but I filled her in on everything I could think of about both of her parents. How they met, what they meant to each other, and how much they were looking forward to meeting her.

“Liz?” A voice interrupted my thoughts.

“Philip?” I said surprised, and a little disappointed that Max hadn’t been the one to come.

“I thought you might need a shoulder.” Philip offered.

“Max isn’t coming.” I didn’t ask, it was a statement.

“He’s torn up about it.” Philip defended him.

“I’m sure.” I replied, and the sarcasm didn’t quite hit the spot as I intended. I really was sure he was torn up about not being here with me. You couldn’t be with someone for ten years and not be.

“You must understand that this whole … situation is hard on him. It brings up too many old memories - issues that he hasn’t properly dealt with.” Philip explained.

“It must be hard for you too.” I acknowledged – grateful that he had put it all aside to be here with me.

“It was a long time ago. I’ve put it all behind me.” Philip replied.

“How?” I asked.

“It wasn’t hard. It was the first time Max said to me ‘Daddy I love you’. It just put everything in perspective. Yes I lost my wife, but she left me a beautiful piece of herself behind. Maybe that was just how it was supposed to be.”

I wondered if that was what was happening – Maria was leaving a piece of herself behind…

No. Maria was going to be fine – she had to be.

Philip sat with me for an hour and was my shoulder to cry on before I eventually ordered him to go home to bed. I would be fine I promised him.

“I’m going to have to get you to leave.” The nurse said to be eventually. The shift was changing and the oncoming nurse wasn’t going to be as accommodating.

I wondered where I should go. I wanted to check on Maria but I was too scared to hear the news that I really didn’t want to hear – plus I didn’t want to bother Michael with my presence. Instead, what I really wanted was to beg and plead for Maria’s life. There was only one place I could do that – the chapel.

The chapel was small, dark and quiet. There was only one other person in the room when I entered, so I took a seat on the other side of the room from them – giving them their own personal space. I sat down and looked around, wondering how you go about asking God to save your best friend’s life. Should I promise something in return? Should I just come out and ask? Do I point out all of the good things about Maria that justifies why she deserves a second chance? Do I speak out loud or in the quiet of my head?

I chose the latter and used everything in my arsenal to convince God to save Maria’s life. I used Michael and their daughter – both of whose life would change forever if Maria was not with them anymore – Max was living proof of that.

I was on my knees, pleading for God to save Maria’s life, but also begging for him to save mine.

When I had run out of things to say, I let my head fall quiet and just wait. I was hoping that God would give me some kind of an answer that everything would be okay.

And I guess in a way he did.

In that quiet moment, as I had my head bent and eyes closed, I felt a gentle arm wrap around my shoulders. It was as though I was being pulled into God’s own loving arms, comforting me, telling me that everything would be alright if I just trusted in him.

I let everything go, and cried more tears than I thought capable of, as he held me tight.

For the second time that night, I cried the last tear that I could manage. This time however, before I opened my eyes, a peace flooded my body. Everything was going to be alright. I felt it.

I let my senses return to the room. I could hear the other person in the room crying their own tears in the corner, and I felt the unsteady breathe of someone next to me. And smelled their cologne …

“Max?” I asked as my head snapped around and my eyes opened.

“Liz.” Max replied, without more than just a hint of a smile. He took his arm away from around my shoulders. I suddenly felt colder.

“I didn’t think you would come.” I stated.

“I wasn’t going to, but … I couldn’t not be here for you.” Max replied.

“Thank you. It means a lot to me that you came.” I replied, placing a hand on his knee, until his visible flinch made me retreat.

“But nothing’s changed.” Max explained. “My plane is leaving in a few hours.”

I looked at my watch. It was almost morning. I would have to pick Amy up from the airport soon.

I nodded.

“Well, thanks for coming.” I said as I went to stand and move past him. “I need to go and check on Maria.”

“Would you like me to come with you?” Max offered.

I wanted that more than anything.

“No. I think you should go.” I replied. “I don’t want to make this any harder for you. For us.”

Max nodded.

“Have a safe flight.” I said, slipping past him and not meeting his eye. I wasn’t going to beg for him to stay with me if he didn’t want to.

I walked out of the chapel and desperately wanted him to chase after me, but he didn’t. The chapel doors swing silently to a close behind me.

* * * * *

I checked on Maria, and found Michael asleep in a chair by her side, tightly holding onto her hand.

“Michael?” I whispered.

Michael stirred and opened his eyes. He gave me a quick glance before giving Maria a once-over.

“The nurse said there has been no change.” I updated him.

Michael nodded resignedly.

“I went and saw the baby.” Michael explained. “She’s so beautiful. She looks just like her mother.”

“I know.” I smiled, placing a hand on his shoulder. “What are you going to call her?”

“We couldn’t agree. I liked the name Rose for a girl, but Maria liked the name Emily. Right now, I’d give Maria anything if it meant that she would be okay.” Michael replied despondently.

“Emily Rose…” I put the names together.

“Emily Rose…” Michael smiled.

We were silent for a while, watching Maria’s chest rise up and down, and the machine monitoring her heartbeat.

“Where’s Max?” Michael eventually asked.

“Long story.” I replied, dismissing the tears that welled in my eyes at the mention of his name.

“I think we have time.” Michael replied.

“I don’t want to burden you with this – you have enough to deal with.”

“I need the distraction.” Michael counter-argued.

“Fine…” I replied, before going into a long winded story about what we had been going through since returning to Roswell up to our argument the night before.

“So he left?” Michael asked. “I knew he was struggling, but I also knew how much he loved you.”

I flinched at Michael’s past tense.

“He’ll come around Liz. He’ll spend a few days away from you and realise how stupid he’s being and come crawling back.” Michael replied confidently.

“I don’t know Michael. I think it’s going to take a lot more than that to make him come home.” I said thoughtfully.

“Like what?” Michael asked.

“Some assurance that I will never get pregnant.” I decided.

“You would give him that? What about your dream to have kids?”

“Sometimes you have to make sacrifices…” I stated.

“Not that big Liz.” Michael warned. “I know that things aren’t so good now, but I have a daughter Liz – a daughter! I wouldn’t change that for the world. You shouldn’t have to do that either.”

“I don’t know what else to do.” I replied.

“Tell that jackass to get his ass back here and fix this mess.” A voice came from the bed.

“Maria!” Michael exclaimed, clutching her arm and smothering her with kisses. “You’re awake!”

“It’s hard to sleep with you two yabbering on over there.” Maria attempted a smile.

“Welcome back Maria.” I smiled, taking her other hand in mine.

“I told you that I wasn’t planning on going anywhere.” Maria smiled in return.

“I’ll go and get the nurse.” I announced, wanting to give Maria and Michael some time alone.

“How’s the baby?” I heard Maria ask Michael as I left.

“Beautiful. She’s so beautiful.” I heard Michael reply.

* * * * *

“She’s okay.” Was the first thing I said to Amy as I saw her race from the airport bridge and through the gate to the arrivals hall.

“Thank God for that.” Amy hugged me with a lifetime of relief in her voice. It must have been a long hard flight for her not knowing what condition Maria would be in when she got here. “And the baby?”

“Beautiful.” I replied, using Michael’s description.

“Let’s go Grandma.” I smiled, taking Amy’s hand-luggage from her.

“I’m a Grandma!” Amy smiled. “Oh that makes me sound old, but I still love hearing it.”

After picking up the rest of Amy’s luggage and the baggage carousel, we headed to the exit.

“Hey, isn’t that Max?” Amy asked the moment we stepped outside. Sure enough, Max was getting out of a cab a few metres away from where we stood. “What’s he doing here?”

I didn’t reply, but tried to fight the impulse to run to him and beg him to stay.

I didn’t win.

“Max!” I called, dropping Amy’s bags and racing towards him.

Max turned around in surprise as I hurtled towards him. Lunging into his arms I kissed him with so much force that I took both of our breaths away. To my surprise he kissed back.

But only at first. Eventually he disentangled me from around his body and rested his forehead against mine as he caught his breath.

“Stay.” I begged. It seemed I would stoop so low as to beg after all.

“I can’t.” Max replied.

“I don’t want to have a baby. I just want you.” I promised. “I’ll do anything.”

“Don’t say that.” Max’s voice quavered. “I’m not going to make you give up on your dreams for me.”

“But you’re making me give you up.” I pointed out.

“I don’t know how else to fix this.” Max replied.

“I told you – stay.”

“No.” Max gave a strangled reply, pulling away and making a hasty exit before I could react.

I watched him walk away.

It seemed there was nothing I could do to make him want to be with me.

It was over.

I was now officially empty inside.
"Do you see what we’ve done?
We’ve gone and made such fools of ourselves..."
Paramore - Decode
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Re: When Our Feet Touch the Ground (M/L, AU, TEEN) Ch11 27/10/09

Post by Oz »

So sorry for the delay in updating. I was struggling with this bit, and it took hours of driving around the South Island of New Zealand with my family to give my head a chance to sort it all out. You'll be happy to know that I also managed to concentrate on the road at the same time and am back in one piece!

So here it is. Short I know, but I just don't seem to have as much spare time as I used to these days...

12

“What if what we have is just a holiday fling?” I asked. “What if this doesn’t work when we are on our home soil?”

I scoffed to myself. If I only knew how my fears way back then were actually well founded?

“Is that what you think? That this is just a fling?” Max asked surprised, as though the thought had not occurred to him.

“I don’t want it to be.” I conceded.

I wondered if I would have accepted his marriage proposal if I had known how empty I would feel when he was gone. Was ten years of pure happiness worth it? I didn’t know.

“But what do you feel?” Max asked, stepping closer to me until his forehead was touching mine, and his hand was stroking my shoulder.

“I feel that my life would crumble if you weren’t in it. I feel like you are the other half of my soul that I have been searching the world for.”

My life had crumbled. I was torn in two. Max had left. He had actually left me. I felt so alone and abandoned.

It had been a week since he had left and there had been no word from him. For the first day or two I had secretly hoped that he would come running through the front door and tell me that he was wrong and that he had discovered that he couldn’t live without me – he would tell me that we could work everything out as long as we were together.

It had now been seven days and he hadn’t even called.

I had talked to his father almost every day, asking for news, and either Phillip was an incredibly good liar, or else Max hadn’t contacted him either.

So now I was sitting by window sill, watching the rain trailing down the windowpane, and wondering whether there was anything worth caring for anymore.

I can’t remember the last time I ate, or slept properly, or showered. I must have looked a wreck. In the mornings I rallied, and during that time I went to visit Maria and Emily in the hospital. I could sit for hours just watching Emily’s chest move up and down, amazed by her ability, at such a young age, to know exactly what she needed to do to survive. I wondered whether I had the same instinct.

When visiting hours were over and I went home, I always found myself holding my breath as I opened the front door – my heart hoping that Max would be standing there, but my head telling me that I was wasting my time. My head was right - the apartment was always empty.

That was all it took for my resolve to shatter, and I would crumple in a heap, eventually falling into a fitful sleep. The following morning, the sun would shine, and I would drag myself to the hospital again to start another day.

Maria could tell that I was not doing well, and tried to get me to open up to her, but the last thing I wanted to do was to add more stress to her life. She needed to concentrate on Emily and Michael, and not worry about my disastrous life. She was going to be leaving the hospital any day now, and I knew how much it was worrying her. Being home meant she was that much further away from her daughter who would remain in hospital for at least three more weeks.

I did acknowledge that I needed a friend to talk to, and I was somewhat lacking in that department – thanks to my previous nomad lifestyle. The one friend I had, Samuel, had been MIA for a week. I had tried contacting him, wanting to talk, and then when I didn’t hear from him, wanting to make sure that he was okay. But there was no response.

I guess I was all on my own.

* * * * *

“Liz? Are you okay?” Maria asked through the closed bathroom door. I was in her hospital room for less than a few seconds before I felt the urgent need to revisit my breakfast. My stomach was obviously revolting against my decision to actually eat something for once. Perhaps I should have chosen something a little less greasy than an egg and bacon muffin from the corner shop.

“I’m okay.” I replied before catching my reflexion in the mirror. I could keep spare change in the bags that were under my eyes.

I heard Maria retreat back to her bed and I took a few minutes to let the colour return to my face before facing her. I didn’t want her to worry about me.

At that moment I heard a familiar, but recently absent, ‘ding’ from my computer.

“Liz! You have a pop-up message thingy on your computer!” Maria confirmed.

That was enough to get me to emerge from the bathroom. The only person who would be messaging me was Samuel, and I was desperate not to miss the opportunity of talking with him.

“So your boyfriend is back is he?” Maria asked with a raised eyebrow. She hadn’t been too supportive of our online relationship, and made more of it than it was. I also wondered whether she was a little jealous that there was someone in the world other than her that I leaned on for support.

“He’s not my boyfriend.” I replied distractedly as I read Samuel’s message – my heart skipping a beat when I confirmed that he was still online waiting for me to respond. I vaguely acknowledged to myself that he shouldn’t have such a profound effect on the beatings of my heart, but quickly ignored that thought as quickly as it came.

Samuel: I’m sorry I’ve been MIA. I had to take that trip that I told you about and I haven’t been anywhere near civilisation for the past week. Internet connections are few and far between out here. Is everything okay? I’m here now if you need to talk. I’ll wait online as long as I can.
Lily: Samuel! I’m so glad you are okay. I’ve missed being able to chat with you.
Samuel: I’ve missed chatting to you too. How are you?
Lily: I’ve been better. My partner left me.
Samuel: What?! Why?
Lily: Once I work that out I’ll let you know…
Samuel: He must have given you a reason.
Lily: He did, but the reasons he gave didn’t justify his decision to leave. It was nothing that we couldn’t work through together.
Samuel: Maybe he just needed some space.
Lily: I understand needing space, but I take a walk, or spend a night out with my best friend – I don’t travel halfway across the world without so much as a phonecall to tell me that he’s alright!
Samuel: Maybe he has picked up the phone to call – many times - but just can’t bring himself to dial the number. Maybe he’s agonising over what he could possibly say at this point to make things better rather than worse. Maybe he’s feeling completely lost and undeserving of you.
Lily: Or maybe he just doesn’t love me anymore.
Samuel: Don’t think like that. I’m sure that’s not true.
Lily: I don’t know what to think anymore. I was so sure that we could endure anything life threw at us, but at the first sign of trouble, he takes off. What does that say about how he feels about me or this relationship?
Samuel: That he needs to sort himself out so that he can be the best man he can possibly be for you.
Lily: He already was, at least, I had thought he was. Now I’m not sure how much I really knew him at all.
Samuel: I’m sure that everything will work out. Just take the time apart to concentrate on what you need. What have you been doing since he left?
Lily: Nursing a friend of mine back to health. She almost died, but didn’t, thank goodness. I’ve been hanging out in her hospital room most days keeping her from going insane.
Samuel: What about your job? Don’t tell me that the She-Devil actually gave you time off work?
Lily: She did, although I’m trying to do a little work remotely from the hospital too. Anyway, enough about my problems, what about you?
Samuel: My credit is about to expire on this computer and the internet café has suddenly filled up with impatient looking tourists, so I’m going to have to go. Raincheck?
Lily: Sure. Stay safe okay?
Samuel: Will do. I’ll try and catch you when I’m next online.
Lily: I’m looking forward to it. Bye.
Samuel: :0)


“So what was his excuse for leaving you hanging?” Maria asked as I closed my laptop.

“He wasn’t near an internet connection.” I replied more defensively than I should have.

“Where is he?” Maria questioned.

“He didn’t say.” I replied.

“When will he be back?”

“He didn’t say.”

“Did he tell you anything?” Maria asked.

“What are you trying to suggest?” I replied, catching the not-so-subtle undertone of her questions.

“I’m just saying that you don’t know anything about this guy, and he doesn’t seem to be sharing much personal information about himself. How do you know that he isn’t just gradually gathering little things about you until he can work out who you are and come and get you?”

“I think you’ve been stuck in this hospital room for too long – you’re starting to sound a little paranoid.”

“You’ll be thanking me when he comes knocking on your door with an axe – you’ll be thinking ‘I should have listened to Maria’.” Maria replied smugly.

“I think if he really did come knocking on my door with an axe, I can guarantee that whether you were right or not wouldn’t be the first thought that would flash across my mind.”

“I’m just saying…”

“Thankyou for your concern, but I’m fine. I trust him. There’s something about him that reminds me of…” I began but fell silent before speaking the name. I was going to say ‘Max’, but I guess in truth it would be more appropriate to say ‘the old Max’.

“I’m sorry, I just worry about you – especially now since… Anyway, you don’t look well. You need to eat more and sleep more than you have been.” Maria replied, genuinely concerned.

“I getting some sleep, and I tried eating but it seems my stomach didn’t agree…” I screwed up my face at the feeling that washed over me at the thought of eating food and within a second was out of my chair and back in the bathroom.

There was a tapping on the door and Maria appeared, not waiting to be asked in.

“Chica? Are you okay?” She asked.

“I think I have food poisoning or something.” I replied, wiping my face with toilet paper and flushing the toilet.

“Are you sure that’s it?” Maria asked sceptically.

“What else would it be?” I asked.

“You’re not pregnant are you?” Maria asked.

“Of course n-…” I couldn’t finish the sentence. It couldn’t be… could it? I did the sums in my head.

“No.” I shook my head in denial.

“I’m going to page a nurse.” Maria headed back to the side of the bed that had the buzzer.

“I’m okay, really.” I said before retching again.

“I’m getting you a pregnancy test.” Maria replied. “This is a hospital after all – they should be able scrounge one up somewhere.

I nodded and went and sat down, cradling my head in my hands.

This was the worst possible thing that could happen.

If I had thought before there was a chance for our marriage to be resurrected, then this was the nail in our coffin.

RIP Liz and Max.
"Do you see what we’ve done?
We’ve gone and made such fools of ourselves..."
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Re: When Our Feet Touch the Ground (M/L, AU, TEEN) Ch12 8/12/09

Post by Oz »

Sorry for the delay. You know, Xmas, New Years, holidays and all the usual excuses.

I apologise for the little bit of swearing in this, but it seemed appropriate. Also, if anyone knows Spanish, I apologise but Google told me this was the correct translation... Hopefully it is not leading me astray...

Enjoy!


13

I stared at the two little lines staring back at me and I was powerless to move.

“So I gather ‘congratulations’ is not the appropriate thing to say at this point?” Maria hesitated. Being a new mother herself, and knowing how much I had been thinking about having a baby lately, her first instinct was to jump for joy that I was pregnant. The look of dread on my face thankfully made her hold back from following that train of thought.

I vaguely acknowledged that my mobile phone was ringing.

I let it ring.

“Are you going to answer that?” Maria asked, heading for my bag.

I shook my head.

“What if it’s important?” Maria said, picking up my phone and checking the caller ID. I gathered she was none the wiser.

I made no movement.

“What if it’s Max?” Maria asked.

If he had called me half an hour, or even ten minutes earlier, I would have lunged for the phone. Now, I had no words to say.

I shook my head.

The phone stopped ringing, and a minute later there was the beep announcing a message had been left.

“Should I listen to it?” Maria asked. I guess she had the same suspicion as I as to who had been calling.

I shrugged. I wasn’t capable of making any decisions at this point in time.

I was, however, capable of being slightly curious, and I watched Maria’s face as she listened to the message. I was even more sure I didn’t want to listen to he message when I saw the sympathy etched on Maria’s face.

“That was Max.” Maria explained unnecessarily. “He was calling to see how you are.”

“Is he coming back?” I asked, and I wasn’t sure whether I wanted the answer to be a ‘yes’ or ‘no’.

“He didn’t say.” Maria replied.

I nodded. It didn’t change things one way or another. Even if he did come back, there was no way we would be together – not now. He had made it very clear that he didn’t want me to get pregnant, and I wasn’t sure that I could bring myself to abort the baby.

“What can I do for you Liz?” Maria asked with concern.

“I don’t know Maria.” I replied sorrowfully. I don’t think anyone could help me right now. “I think I need to get out of here. I need to think.”

“Okay.” Maria said before giving me gigantic hug. “I’ll be here when you need me.”

“Thanks Maria.” I gave a weak smile and pulled out of her embrace. I’m sure I would need her a lot over the next nine months if I was going to be doing this alone.

I sat in my car, intending to pull out of the parking lot, but I didn’t even start the ignition before the tears came. They didn’t come as a trickle, or a sob, but a huge flood. I was supposed to be happy – I was finally having a baby. The news was supposed to be the best news of my life. Instead, I felt as though it was the end of my world – my world that centred around Max. He had always been the sun that I circled around, my life source. But he had left me with a black hole and I felt myself drifting into silence and loneliness. Would the baby fill that hole, or push me further away from my only source of happiness?

I didn’t even have any way of contacting him to let him know the news. Was that something that I even wanted to do? While he didn’t know, there was still a chance that he would decide to come back to me. But what was the point in holding onto that hope? As soon as he discovered the truth, he would be gone again. Besides, he had a right to know. He was the father of this precious unborn child and I owed it to him or her.

When I eventually made it to the apartment, I remembered the message that Max had left on my cell phone. My phone may have saved the number that he had called from and I could return his call and tell him the news. There was no point putting it off any longer. Like ripping a band-aid – it would hurt less to get it over with quickly. And maybe it would be better not to see his face as I told him the news – then I wouldn’t have to see the moment it was truly and finally over between us. I don’t think I could live with seeing his disappointment in me etched on his face.

I listened to the message before looking for the number. I hadn’t planned on listening to it, but I needed to know what state of mind he was in before I called him. Or maybe I was just masochistic.

“You have one new message. Message 1…” The voicemail lady began before Max’s unmistakable voice could be heard. “Hi. It’s Max. I just wanted to … oh I don’t know, I guess I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. I know I hurt you by leaving, but I had to do it. I hope you can see that... I just, I don’t want you to hate me. I … I hate talking to these things … I’m going to go. I’ll call you in a few days. Bye.”

I’m not sure what I was expecting to feel after hearing Max’s voice again. He sounded genuinely concerned as to how I was doing, but there was no ‘I love you’, ‘I made a mistake’ or ‘I’m coming back for you’. Not even a simple ‘I miss you’. I don’t know why he had bothered calling at all.

I checked the missed calls list on my phone and looked for the most recent number. From the strange digits at the beginning, it appeared to be a landline somewhere in South America.

I dialled the number, hoping that it was his hotel, and not some random payphone on the side of the road.

“Hola. Catedral de la tienda de regalos del Cusco. ¿Cómo puedo ayudar?” A voice answered.

“Hello? Where am I calling?” I asked, hoping that the voice would forgive my lack of understanding of the Spanish language.

“The Cathedral of Cusco Gift Shop. How can I help you?” The voice replied in relatively clear English.

“I’m not sure you can. I’m trying to get in contact with an American man who called me from this number a few hours ago.” I replied.

“I’m sorry madam. There have been quite a few tourists through this morning. I can’t be certain of who you could be referring to.” The man apologised.

“I understand.” I replied. It had been a long shot.

“Perhaps if you called his hotel?” The voice suggested, obviously sensing my disappointment.

“I don’t know where he is staying.” I replied honestly.

“This man is a friend of yours?” The voice questioned.

“He’s my husband.”

There was a moment of silence at the other end of the line as the man obviously tried to comprehend why my husband wouldn’t have told me where he was staying while in the area.

“Perhaps you can give me a description and if I see him again I will ask him to call you?” The man offered, obviously taking pity on my situation.

I gave him Max’s details, explained that he was a photographer, and hoped that Max would return later in the day, as he sometimes did, when the lighting was more appropriate for taking photographs.

“Have a good day.” The voice cheerfully said goodbye before hanging up the phone.

Not likely, I thought to myself.

* * * * *

A week passed, and the morning sickness that I had experienced in the hospital got much worse. I could barely crawl out of bed without having to run for the toilet bowl. I struggled to keep any food or water down until much later in the day, and I knew that it had to be hard on the baby. I needed to eat. After a desperate phone call to Maria, I discovered the trick was to leave food on my bedside table the night before, so that I could eat before attempting to get out of bed. Food was my friend apparently.

Once I had that sorted I could do normal things, such as visit the doctor to confirm what the test had already told me – that I was indeed pregnant.

“There’s no doubt about it.” The doctor announced happily.

I responded by bursting into tears. It wasn’t as though it came as a surprise, but I guess I had held out to the slim hope that the original test had been wrong, and I had something more akin to food poisoning.

“I take it this wasn’t planned…” The doctor observed.

I shook my head.

“Are you in a relationship with the father?” The doctor asked.

“My husband…” I stammered.

The doctor looked relieved. Momentarily.

“He doesn’t want to have children. He left me…”

“I’m sorry.” The doctor looked awkward, and kindly passed me a tissue.

“You know that there are other options…” The doctor began.

I shook my head. “I’m having this baby.” I replied.

“Well then, I guess we had better get you booked in for your first scan so we can see how that baby is doing.” The doctor replied, trying to stop my tears flowing with the thought of getting to see this baby for myself.

It worked.

* * * * *

I was trawling through the pregnancy website, hunting for scrapes of motivation from other women who have found themselves in a situation similar to mine – that is, pregnant with no partner to provide support, when a message popped up at the bottom of the screen. I smiled. It was Samuel.

Samuel: Hi. I was hoping you would be online. How are you?
Lily: My life is falling apart, but other than that I’m great. You?
Samuel: He hasn’t come back I take it?
Lily: No. Not that I expect him to at this point.
Samuel: Has he called?
Lily: One voicemail in two weeks. Apparently he’s still alive but that’s as much as I know.
Samuel: I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through.
Lily: There’s more.
Samuel: Should I dare to ask?
Lily: I’m pregnant.


There was no immediate response and I mentally kicked myself for telling Samuel. I knew how he felt about his girlfriend wanting to have a baby – just like someone else I knew.

Samuel: Congratulations?
Lily: The question mark is probably the right way to put it. I don’t know whether to be happy or not.
Samuel: Because your partner doesn’t want it.
Lily: Exactly. I never wanted to be a single mum.
Samuel: I don’t know what to say. I don’t know how I would react if my girlfriend told me that she was pregnant. I worry for you.
Lily: People have babies all the time. I’ll be okay. I’m strong enough to do this on my own.
Samuel: But you haven’t told your partner yet?
Lily: No.
Samuel: Are you going to?
Lily: When he finally calls.
Samuel: But your not expecting him to react favourably.
Lily: No. I think it will be the end of our relationship.
Samuel: He might surprise you.
Lily: You said yourself that you wouldn’t know how to react.
Samuel: I know, but I don’t think I could live without my girlfriend.
Lily: How is she anyway? This is the most you’ve talked about her since you said you were going to ask her to go on your trip with you. Did she say ‘yes’?
Samuel: No. We had a fight and I went by myself.
Lily: I’m so sorry. Have you been able to patch things up yet?
Samuel: Not exactly.
Lily: Then what are you doing chatting to me when you could be calling her?
Samuel: I don’t know what to say.
Lily: Tell her that you’re sorry and you love her so much that you can’t stand being away from her. Tell her you’ll be home as soon as your work will let you.
Samuel: You make it sound easy.
Lily: It is.
Samuel: I’ll think about it.
Lily: Please do. At least one of us should get their happy ending.
Samuel: Things could work out for you too.
Lily: I hope so.


But I knew that wasn’t going to be on the cards for me.

* * * * *

“Have you heard from Max again?” Maria asked, handing me a steaming hot cup of decaffeinated green tea. Being pregnant was going to come with some food and drink choices that I was still getting used to.

“No.” I replied, and I still wasn’t sure whether that was a good or bad thing. Despite my resolve to tell him about the baby, I was not looking forward to that conversation.

“He called Michael yesterday.” Maria admitted.

I tried not to feel angry that he hadn’t used the opportunity to call me again, even though he had promised that he would.

“How did he sound?” I asked, hoping Maria would tell me that he felt terrible.

“Michael said that he seemed to be doing okay, but seemed a little down. He asked about you.” Maria explained.

“Michael didn’t tell him…” I panicked.

“No. That’s something that you need to tell him yourself.” Maria replied. “Michael told Max that he should call you though.”

“Well, he hasn’t.” Feeling indignant again.

“Michael managed to get Max to tell him where he would be staying for the next few days. You could call him…” Maria suggested, obviously keen for everything to be out in the open.

I sat there feeling annoyed that it was up to me to call Max again, when he should have called me when he had the chance, but I got over it quickly. I was the one who had been stupid enough to forget to take the pill that night, and I would be the one to rise above any hurt that I was feeling.

Maria handed me the phone and a piece of paper. “He’s staying at the Hostal El Santuario at Machu Picchu. I’ve already found the number for you.”

Maria then discreetly left the room to leave me alone.

Staring at the piece of paper, I tried to steady the beating of my heart that was suddenly racing. What on earth was I going to say if he was actually there? I had run over the conversation a million times in my head during the last week, and I had to admit, every conversation ended with him telling me that he loved me and he was ready to be a father. A girl can dream can’t she?

I dialled the number before I lost my nerve.

“Hola. Has llegado Hostal El Santuario. ¿Cómo puedo ayudar?” A female voice answered.

“Could you please put me through to a guest there? Max Evans. Thankyou.” I requested.

“One moment señora.” The voice replied before putting me on hold.

“Hello?” A female voice answered on the third ring.

“Hi. I’m sorry. The receptionist must have put me through to the wrong room…” I apologised.

“Are you looking for Max?” The voice asked.

“Uh… yes.” I replied, my heart slowing from racing to stopping as I tried to think of a reason that a woman would be answering Max’s phone.

“He’s just in the shower, can you hold on a minute?” The voice asked.

I hung up the phone before I could think of a rational thought. Max was in the shower with a strange woman in his hotel room. This couldn’t be happening.

Ten years of marriage and it takes him less than three weeks to shack up with someone else? Talk about feeling replaceable.

I paced the room screaming obscenities along the lines of “That miserable no-good f%&*ing cheating son-of-a-bitch.”

That is, until a wave of nausea brought me back to my seat. I buried my head in my hands. No, this could not be happening.

“I take it it didn’t go well.” Maria said cautiously as she walked back into the room.

“It didn’t go at all.” I replied.

Maria looked at me confused.

“A woman picked up the phone. Apparently Max was too busy in the shower to answer it himself.” I said with a grimace. That cheating son-of-a-bitch.

“There’s probably a logical explanation…” Maria tried to simmer me down.

“You know what? I don’t care at this point. Even if there is a logical explanation other than that he has found himself a little whore to keep him company, he’s obviously been near phone access for days now and he hasn’t bothered to call me. I know where I stand now, and I’m not going to waste any more time waiting around for him to call.” I had started pacing again, ignoring the nausea.

“What about telling him about the baby?” Maria added meekly.

“Let him find out if and when he finally returns.” I replied.

I grabbed my bag and jacket and began heading for the door. I needed to vent some more, and Maria didn’t need that kind of stress when she was supposed to be resting. She would be due back in the hospital in an hour to feed Emily.

“I’ll give you a call tonight.” Maria promised as I walked out the front door.

I threw up in the garden. I should have had something to eat before attempting to walk home. Oh well – throwing up felt like an appropriate response to the mental images of Max and this other woman bombarding me.

She was probably a local that he had asked to photograph because she was so stunning – epitomising the beauty of the region and therefore he just had to capture her on film. She was probably 6ft tall, thin, light brown skin and jet black hair. Full lips and big brown eyes that she battered at him.

Cut it out Liz!

She probably invited him out for a drink to be hospitable, and he had said yes because he was lonely. One drink led to two and they were soon dancing it up on the dancefloor. The tango or the samba, or something equally sexy, in a steaming hot nightclub.

The natural progression from their vertical shimmering was obviously to return to Max’s hotel room and continue more of the same but in a more horizontal fashion. She would have stayed the night.

I threw up again.

By the time I had reached home, I was convinced that Max was madly in love with this girl, and he hadn’t called because he didn’t know how to break it to me that it was over.

If only he knew that it was over anyway.

Then it really hit me – just how alone I was in all of this. In less than nine months time I was going to have a baby, and I was going to have it alone. Sure I would have Maria and Michael’s help, but the child would not know their daddy. Could I really be that selfish – to bring a child into this world that wasn’t wanted by at least one of their parents?

Yes I could. I could give the child enough love for the both of us.

I rubbed my belly as I let the tears stream down my face. I had no sign of a baby bump yet – it was much too early, but I couldn’t help but hold my stomach as though the baby could feel my touch through my skin. We were going to be okay – just the two of us.

* * * * *

A few weeks passed and I was feeling much happier with my lot. Max had left a couple of messages, none of which really told me anything other than he was getting a little concerned that I may be deliberately ignoring his calls. Which of course I was. There was no mention of his girlfriend, but then I wouldn’t expect there to be – not on a message left on a machine. I didn’t look forward to that conversation. I didn’t want to talk to him. I wanted to live in denial for a little longer that he was over me.

According to Maria, he had flatly denied having a girl up in his room when Michael asked. F*%&ing liar.

But today I didn’t want to think about Max. I was going shopping with Maria to buy an outfit for Emily for her christening. She was going to be let out of the hospital in less than a week now because she had been gaining weight and feeding so well. Maria was keen to have the christening as soon as possible to thank God for giving them a healthy happy girl. Maria and Michael had asked me to be her Godmother.

So I was completely caught off guard when the phone rang. Without checking the caller ID, I answered it – assuming it was Maria calling me because I was running late. I was supposed to be at the store by now.

“I’m just walking out the door. I’ll be there in five minutes.” I said without waiting for Maria to say anything.

“Liz? It’s Max.” Max said.

“Oh.” I replied. Real smooth Liz.

My heart jumped into my throat and I began to panic. None of my dream-phone calls with Max had started with me saying ‘oh’. Where was the confident forthright woman who was going to give him a serve? She slipped out the back door apparently.

“Are you going somewhere?” Max asked.

“Shopping with Maria for Emily’s christening gown.” I replied. “I’m going to be her godmother.”

“I know. Michael and Maria asked me to be the godfather.” Max announced.

Funny, I would have thought Maria would have told me something like that. I would have to talk to Maria about that later.

“I’m sorry I can’t be there for the ceremony next week.” Max continued.

“Really?” I couldn’t help but sound surprised. But what with Max’s hatred of anything baby related, and his new girlfriend, I would have thought that a baby’s christening was the last thing on his mind. But I guess that answered one question – he wasn’t calling me to tell me he was coming home.

“Sure. It’s important to Michael and Maria.” Max replied.

There was a hiatus in the conversation that was getting more and more awkward by the second.

“Was there a reason you called?” I asked, wanting to get this over with.

“I hadn’t been able to get a hold of you and I was starting to get worried.” Max admitted.

“I’m fine. I just haven’t been around when you have called.” Or too busy painting my nails to bother to reach for the phone.

“I’m glad that’s all it is. I was worried that you were trying to ignore my calls. I thought maybe you didn’t want to talk to me.

I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t lie. I had been ignoring his calls because I didn’t want to talk to him.

“Liz?” Max asked hesitantly, no longer satisfied that his calls had been unanswered merely because of bad timing.

“What do you want Max?” I sighed. “Do you want me to tell you that I’m okay so that you don’t need to worry about me anymore? So that you’re conscience is free for you to go and enjoy the bachelor lifestyle that you are already so happily doing?”

“Is that what you really think I want?” Max asked incredulously. “I told you that I needed some space and some time to think – that’s all.”

I scoffed. Images of Max in bed with that woman flashed before my eyes again and I couldn’t believe a word he was saying. He had flat out denied having a woman in his room when Michael asked him – why did I think that he would tell me differently?

“Liz, I still love you - that hasn’t changed.” Max confessed.

“You have a damn funny way of showing it!” I retorted. “You left me! You went halfway across the world to get enough space from me! You rarely call, and when you do I get these vague short messages on my machine that don’t tell me anything!”

“You haven’t contacted me. Maria and Michael know where I’m staying.” Max retorted with the only ammunition he had.

“First of all, you could have easily have left those details on one of your messages if you really wanted me to call, and secondly, when I did try and call you a woman answers the phone while you’re in the shower!” I hadn’t intended on going there, but he left me no choice. I was fuming.

“What? When?” Max stammered, not expecting that accusation.

“When you were staying at the Hotel Santuario or something a few weeks ago.” I explained.

“That’s why Michael asked me…” Max put two and two together.

I took his lack of denial to be an admission.

“Tell me, was she worth it?” I asked, and amazed that I could get the words out through the tears that were running down my face.

“I haven’t been with anybody but you – I promise.” Max replied. “The only time I’ve had a woman in my room is when I let a couple that I met on the bus hang out in my room while they waited for their room to be ready. I had a shower while they watched a bit of TV. It was a French couple in their forties.”

Come to think of it, the Peruvian princess that I had spoken too did have more of a French accent than a Spanish one.

“What was I supposed to think?” I replied, brought down a peg, but still upset over the whole situation that Max had put us in.

“You were supposed to give me the benefit of the doubt.” Max accused me for being an untrusting wife. “I would never ever hurt you that way.”

“No, you just find other means to push in the knife.” I retorted. “You have no idea what your leaving has done to me. What has been done that can’t be undone.”

“Tell me. Tell me how badly I’ve screwed this up, and whether there’s any chance that one day you’ll want me back.” Max replied.

“Remember I told you that if you left there may not be anything to come back to?” I reminded him.

“Y-yes.” Max gulped.

“Well I was right.” I said.

“You can’t mean that.” Max replied. “I’ve only been gone for a month. How can ten years of marriage be gone in a month? Doesn’t that count for anything?”

“You’re the one who left!” I shouted, my blood was boiling. He left me but has the gall to insinuate that I was the one throwing away my marriage. I was pacing the floor now, trying to refrain from shoving my fist through the wall.

“I know. But it was to give me time to think. And I’ve been doing a lot of that while I’ve been here.” Max finished.

“And how’s that working out for you?” I retorted.

“I’m beginning to feel a little better about things.”

“I’m glad one of us is.”

“Liz…” Max began but he couldn’t find the words to make me feel better. I don’t think there was anything he could say.

“Do you think that you would be ready to have a child any time soon?” I asked the million-dollar question.

“No, I’m sorry, I can’t. I’m still not sure that I ever will.” Max admitted honestly.

I now understood that my hope that Max might actually want to play the role of a father had been a little unrealistic. I would be doing this alone.

“Then I don’t think it can ever work between us.” I replied in resignation.

“Don’t say that Liz.” Max begged.

“I’m late. I have to go.” I announced abruptly.

“Liz, wait.” Max pleaded, but I hung up the phone.

I was so angry with the situation that that I picked up the closest dish and threw it onto the floor. I watched in satisfaction as it smashed into a million pieces. The satisfaction ended abruptly when I realised that a slice of it had cut a gash across my foot and there was blood everywhere.

I tried not to look too much at the blood, my head already feeling lightheaded from the morning sickness, but somehow I managed to crawl to the bathroom to find some antiseptic and a bandage. I ignored the phone that was ringing off the hook.

Bandaged up and sitting on the cold bathroom floor, I started to cry as the conversation with Max played over and over in my head. He didn’t want to be a father, and therefore my baby was going to grow up without knowing theirs. That thought saddened me so much that I felt as though my heart was going to tear in two.

I put my head down on the cold tiled floor and let the tears stream, promising my baby that this was the last time I would cry over their father. Unfortunately I would soon find out that was a promise that I wouldn’t be able to keep. In the midst of my sob session, I realised that the blood was starting to seep through the bandage, but there was other blood too – running down my thigh.

As soon as I could gather up enough strength, I pulled myself up and crawled to the nearest phone and dialled 911. Something was dreadfully wrong, and I needed medical attention fast. The ambulance was on its way.

That was my last thought before I passed out on the bathroom floor.

* * * * *

Opening my eyes, my first thought was that I had died and this was heaven. Turns out it was just a very stark white hospital room.

“You’re awake.” Maria said gently as my eyes adjusted to the light. I briefly looked at her face and saw the sorrow etched there.

“The baby?” I asked, jerking upright.

“I’m sorry Liz.” Maria said, with tears falling down her face.

“No.” I shook my head determinedly. “No!” I shouted.

The doctor walked into the room at that moment.

“What happened to the baby?” I demanded.

“I’m sorry Ms Evans. It appears you suffered a miscarriage. There was nothing we could do to save the foetus.” The doctor explained.

“Why? Why did it happen?” I cried.

“It’s hard to say. It could have been from the dramatic loss of blood, or the shock.” The doctor explained. “And sometimes there is no reason.”

I nodded in resignation.

And maybe the baby had just worked out that its father didn’t want it.

Maybe it died of a broken heart.
"Do you see what we’ve done?
We’ve gone and made such fools of ourselves..."
Paramore - Decode
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Oz
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Re: When Our Feet Touch the Ground (M/L, AU, TEEN) AN 7/1/10

Post by Oz »

Here's the update just in time to give one more shameless plug to bid on me at the Support Stacie Author Auction! (see http://www.supportstacie.com/phpBB3/viewforum.php?f=16). This is the kind of genius that you could be purchasing :wink: (okay, maybe not, but still worth putting a few bucks on the table at least!).

The song is 'Whatever It Takes' by Lifehouse. I didn't want to put a lot of lyrics through this fic, but I just couldn't resist as it seemed to suit the situation so well.

Anyway, enjoy, and BTW - thanks for all the great feedback! You've outdone yourselves this time :D


14

“Are you sure you’re going to be okay while I’m gone?” Maria asked, the worry evident by the crease between her eyebrows. Since getting out of the hospital that morning she hadn’t left my side, but now she had no choice as she was due back there to feed Emily. “If you’re going to refuse to come and live with us while you recover, then maybe I could call Michael to come and sit with you.”

“I’ll be fine.” I replied.

Okay, maybe not ‘fine’, but I wanted to convey that I was capable of looking after myself. My leg was bandaged but I could get around with my crutches if I had to. I had no plans to get up off the couch for the next few days.

“I’m going to call Michael.” Maria ignored me, obviously not content to leave me alone.

“I don’t need a babysitter Maria.” I complained. I was actually looking forward to spending some time alone. Since waking up in the hospital I hadn’t had a lot of time to think. Sure all I had done was lie around in a hospital bed, but the constant noise and voices passing my cubicle made it hard to carry on the same thought pattern for too long. Maybe that was a good thing given all I had to think about, but I was now keen to see if the world would indeed continue to turn despite the events of the past 24 hours.

“Are you sure?” Maria replied dubiously.

“Of course, why have you and Michael been treating me like an invalid? It’s just a small cut.” Through my heart…

Maria didn’t meet my eyes.

“What?” I asked suspiciously.

“It’s just that, when we found out what had happened, and that you had been talking to Max, we sort of thought that maybe… you had maybe done it on purpose.” Maria admitted.

“What?!” I exclaimed, bolting upright.

“You’ve just been on this emotional rollercoaster lately, and no one would blame you for lashing out…” Maria explained.

They thought I was capable of wanting to kill myself? Capable of harming my baby?

I slammed my mouth shut and got my emotions under control before I spoke.

“I’m just going to say this once. I would never EVER try and kill myself. Especially when I was responsible for someone else’s life too.” I stated, rubbing my stomach. I quickly stopped when I remembered there was no point. There was no baby anymore. The tears that had been a constant flow today started to come back with a vengeance.

“I’m sorry Liz.” Maria said, giving me a hug. “I really didn’t think you would, but Michael convinced me…”

I drew back out of the embrace. Something just clicked in my brain box.

“Hang on a minute. You said that you knew that I had been speaking to Max… You’ve been talking to Max?” I asked, and dread settled in the pit of my stomach.

“Michael called him. It took him a while to get through to him as Max was desperately trying to call you here.”

“Please don’t tell me Michael told Max that I was in the hospital?” I asked, praying the answer would be a big fat ‘no’.

“He’s your husband Liz.” Maria replied. “He was the father of your child.”

“Does he know about the baby?” I asked.

“No. Michael just said that you had had an accident and had cut your foot.” Maria explained.

“Okay.” I replied. That didn’t sound so bad. I’d prepare myself for a phone call later from Max checking up on me. Or maybe not, maybe he didn’t care enough. Why should he anymore?

“So, I’m going to go now.” Maria announced, seeming much more content with having to leave me on my own. “Do yourself a favour and get some rest. I’ll be back later with some dinner.”

“Thanks Maria.” I smiled, and watched her leave the apartment.

I was soon immersed in the silence that came with being alone. The hospital had been so busy and noisy all night long, I hadn’t really had a chance just to relax and be still. Now the silence was overwhelming.

I pulled the blanket up over me and relaxed back into the pillow. Maybe I would fell much better after a nap. Closing my eyes I drifted off to sleep.

* * * * *

“She’s beautiful.” Max said, a tear in his eye. “She looks like her mother.”

“But she has her daddy’s eyes.” I smiled.

Two minutes old and still covered in blood and fluid, she was still the most precious thing I had ever beheld. I promised to love her the very best I knew how and to make sure she had the most wonderful life imaginable.

But that wasn’t to be. She closed her eyes and didn’t open them again. Her chest stopped rising up and down.

“What’s wrong with her? What’s happening?” I asked anyone in the room that could help me.

The doctor snatched my baby away from me and in the peripheral of my vision I could see them giving her CPR.

“What’s wrong with her?” I asked again, this time turning to Max. But he was slowly backing away. He was transparent, as though it was only a ghost of him – like he hadn’t been there at all.

“She’s gone. Her heart stopped beating.” The doctor announced. “Time of death, 12:04pm.”

“NOOOO!!!” I screamed.

And the sound of my own screaming woke me up.

Looking around the apartment, I realised that it had only been a bad dream.

But then I realised that it wasn’t. Max was gone, our baby was gone, and I was all alone. That was my life now.

The tears came in a gush that I couldn’t control. I had never thought it was possible that one person could cry so many tears, but I did at that moment. I said a prayer for my unborn baby who that I would never get to know. I cried for the loss of my marriage. I cried for myself and what would become of me now – I already knew that I couldn’t be the same person I used to be.

I don’t know when it happened, but the tears eventually dried up, although I could still feel their lingering residue on my cheeks. I don’t know how much time passed, but I vaguely sensed the change in the shadows on my walls, as I sat motionless on the couch, staring at everything and at nothing all at the same time. At some point the sun went down and I remained sitting in the dark waiting for the first stars to come out.

I had a vague idea that the apartment door opened, but I didn’t turn my head. I wasn’t expecting anyone other than Maria with dinner. I heard the footsteps towards me but still didn’t look away from the black moonless sky.

But then I felt the electricity in the air. It wasn’t Maria.

“Liz?” Max asked hesitantly, before kneeling down beside where I was sitting.

I didn’t say anything - didn’t even acknowledge his presence. I wasn’t sure what I would do if I laid eyes on him again. I clenched my jaw.

“How are you feeling?” Max asked when he didn’t get a response. “Michael called to tell me you were in the hospital. I caught the first flight out when I heard what had happened.”

“You shouldn’t have bothered.” I replied, still not looking at him. “I’m fine.”

“Michael said you cut through a vein.” Max stated, trying to get something more out of me.

“It was just a scratch.” I dismissed his concern with a flick of my hand. It had been a scratch that caused me to lose a lot of blood and fall unconscious. I had been lucky I was already on the floor, and couldn’t hit my head on the way down – otherwise who knows what would have happened.

“You could have died.” Max pointed out. “If they didn’t stop the bleeding…”

His voice choked at the end of his sentence. Good.

“But they did.” I replied.

“What were you thinking?” Max asked. Here we go. I wasn’t sure that I was ready for this rollercoaster, but I don’t think I was going to have a choice.

“That I was angry with you and throwing a plate on the floor seemed like a better alternative to shoving my fist through the wall. Turns out I made the wrong choice.” I meant to make a joke, but it fell flat on the current audience.

“So you weren’t deliberately trying to hurt yourself?” Max asked, still unsure whether I had meant my injury to be more … permanent. I guess Michael and told him his theory after all.

“I don’t know what you think Max Evans, but you’re not worth it. Believe it or not I can live without you.” Just.

“But I can’t live without you.” Max replied.

The words I had waited a whole month to hear, but now I wish he hadn’t said them – because I knew that he didn’t mean it. They were just empty words.

“You have been living without me very easily for the past month.” I retorted.

“It hasn’t been easy.” Max shook his head. “It was killing me to be apart from you. But I thought I was doing the right thing by the both of us. I thought I was being selfless by making myself miserable so that you could have a better life… And then when I heard from Michael that you were unconscious and bleeding, everything became clear. I needed you more than anything else in this world, and I wanted nothing more than to be back by your side where I belong. Maybe I’m being selfish now, but I don’t care. I refuse to live without you.”

“I’m not sure you belong here anymore.” I replied.

A strangled smile fell from your face
It kills me that I hurt you this way
The worst part is that I didn't even know
Now there's a million reasons for you to go
But if you can find a reason to stay


“Don’t say that Liz. Please don’t say that.” Max pleaded. “Please tell me that it’s not too late for me to fix everything between us.”

“I don’t see how you can. You left Max … you left and …” I was about to mention the baby, but I wasn’t sure I wanted him to know. “… it was when I needed you the most.”

“I know, and I’m sorry.” Max replied. “I’m here now and I’m not going anywhere.”

“I can’t believe that.” I said honestly. “How do you expect me to trust that you won’t just run at the first sign of trouble?”

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
Believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes


“I’ll do whatever it takes to make you believe in me again – to love me again.” Max promised.

“Even have a b-baby?” I had to ask – knowing what his answer would be. It would put an end to this whole discussion.

She said "If we're gonna make this work
You gotta let me inside even though it hurts
Don't hide the broken parts that I need to see"
She said "Like it or not it's the way it's gotta be
You gotta love yourself if you can ever love me"


“Even have a baby.” Max stated, and he didn’t even hesitate. My jaw dropped in shock, before the flood of tears that I was only just managing to control burse forth again.

I buried my head in my hands, and felt Max’s hand stroke my hair. At that moment I couldn’t tell whether I welcomed his touch or loathed it – maybe a bit of both.

“Liz, look at me please.” Max begged.

I turned and looked at him as impassively as I could manage, despite the tears running down my face. I had been determined not to let him see how much I was hurting, but I don’t know what he could read on my face at that moment. Max, on the other hand, didn’t disguise the sorrow and guilt that he was feeling at that moment. It almost made me feel sorry for him. Almost. I turned away again.

“I’m sorry.” Max apologised. “It shouldn’t have taken me this long.”

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know that I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And give me a break
I'll keep us together, I know you deserve much better


I shrugged. He didn’t even know what he was apologising for. He thought I was crying from the emotion of his declaration to have a child with me, but I was crying for the child we lost because Max had come too late.

“What can I do for you?” Max asked, as though he was asking whether he could get me a glass of water or something to eat.

But remember the time I told you the way that I felt
That I'd be lost without you and never find myself
Let's hold onto each other above everything else
Start over, start over


I thought about it. What did I really want? It would be so easy just to ease back into how we used to be, and part of me desperately wanted that. Despite everything, I loved him – he was my husband. I would always love him. But the other part was hurt and shattered and had no idea how to get past it.

“Leave me alone.” I sighed. “Go back to South America.”

“No.” Max replied, after recovering from the shock of my request.

“No?” I confirmed that I had heard right. He had been in such a rush to leave me before, but now he wouldn’t leave when I wanted him to? That was just friggin great.

“No. I’m not leaving you again.” Max replied adamantly. “I’m going to prove to you that I still deserve to call myself your husband. I’m going to make you love me again.”

I'll do whatever it takes
To turn this around
I know what's at stake
I know I've let you down
And if you give me a chance
And believe that I can change
I'll keep us together whatever it takes


“Well, if you’re not going to leave, then I will.” I said, pulling the blanket from me and reaching for my crutches that were leaning against the end of the sofa.

“Liz, be serious.” Max said, getting to his feet and attempting to stop me.

“I’m being very serious Max. I can’t be around you at the moment, so if you won’t leave then I can’t be here at the moment.”

At that moment Maria walked into the apartment carrying Chinese takeaway. I couldn’t have been happier to see her than at that moment.

“Maria, does that offer to stay at your place still stand?” I asked, reaching for my purse.

“Of course.” Maria replied, looking from me to Max and then back to me again.

“Liz, don’t do this.” Max pleaded. “Don’t leave.”

“Why not? You did.” I retorted.

“Let’s go.” I said to Maria, not giving Max another look, and hobbling out of the apartment.
"Do you see what we’ve done?
We’ve gone and made such fools of ourselves..."
Paramore - Decode
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Oz
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Re: When Our Feet Touch the Ground (M/L, AU, TEEN) AN 17/1/10

Post by Oz »

Hi All,

I've finally dragged myself away from the books I have been reading to update. I need to find less addictive books (and ones that don't come in a series) so that I have more time on my hands!

I hope you enjoy. Keep up all the great feedback :D


15

“Are you sure Max isn’t going to be here?” I asked for what was probably the fiftieth time on the journey from Maria’s apartment to mine. I was in desperate need of some clean underwear and my laptop, which I had walked out of the apartment without – it had been the last thing on my mind during my dramatic exit the night before.

“Michael is meeting him after work and they are going to go and play pool or something. We should have a few hours at least.” Maria reassured me.

I nodded. Good. I didn’t want to see Max again yet. I needed time to get my head straight. Part of me wanted him to hold me in his arms again while I cried my heart out, and the other part of me was desperately fighting that urge.

I slid my key into the lock and pushed the door open, waiting on the threshold for any sign of Max. He wasn’t there.

I let out he breathe I had been holding, and on my next intake I was instantly assaulted with the smell of his cologne that filled up every inch of the apartment. Max may not be here himself, but there was plenty to remind me of him. You know when you smell a particular scent, and it takes you back to memories of your childhood that you had long suppressed? Well the smell of Max’s cologne was doing that to me now – it was taking me back to days when we had nothing but each other and the big wide world before us. Days spent lingering in bed in Florence, or dancing the night away in Barcelona. My body was responding in ways that I didn’t want it to – a traitor to my heart.

I tried to breathe through my mouth instead of my nose. Was it possible that the air actually tasted like him too?

“Let’s get this done and get out of here.” I said, needing desperately to get far away from the memories that were threatening to overbear me.

We started in the bedroom, pulling out the suitcase that was stashed under the bed, and filled it with clothes until it was not going to zip up again without Maria jumping up and down on it. I grabbed some things from the bathroom and threw them in my bag, trying to ignore the impulse to pour the bottle of Max’s cologne down the toilet so it could no longer take my mind to places that I was trying to lock down.

Maria took my suitcase out into the living room while I folded up my laptop, and put it away in its bag, before hopping back out into the living room on my good leg. I didn’t need anything else – I didn’t want anything that we had shared together. He could throw it all in the rubbish for all I cared.

“Check this out.” Maria said, pouring over a photo album on the coffee table. It had been left open to the photographs from our wedding all those years ago – and our honeymoon.

I hadn’t looked at that album for a very long time. Max must have pulled it out last night after I had left.

“Look how happy you both were…” Maria smiled.

I slammed the album shut. I didn’t want to see it.

“We could be that way again.” A voice came from the doorway. I hadn’t heard the key. Max was standing there, with an apologetic-looking Michael trailing behind.

“No. No we can’t.” I replied stubbornly, reaching for my crutches and struggling with my laptop as I headed for the door.

“Please Liz…” Max said grabbing my arm to prevent me from leaving. Unfortunately, that action made me lose my balance and I was forced to reach out for him to prevent me falling. We both landed on the floor together in a tangled heap with my crutches out of reach.

“I’m sorry.” Max apologised. “Are you okay?”

“I’ll never be okay ever again.” I replied, pulling away from him.

Max held out his hands to help me to my feet, but I refused and struggled to me feet with some help from Maria who had picked up my crutches.

“I was only gone a month!” Max finally exploded. “A blip compared to the ten years of marriage that we have shared.”

“A lot can happen in a month – a lot can happen in a second. A life can be lost.” I replied.

“We’re still here.” Max replied.

I shook my head. “Not all of us.”

Maria grabbed my laptop from me and indicated to Michael to take my suitcase. I began the slow trip out on my crutches.

“I won’t give up on us.” Max promised, before Michael closed the door behind us.

“You already did.” I whispered.

* * * * *

Samuel: Lily! I’m so glad to hear from you. I’ve noticed that you haven’t been online for a while. Is everything okay?
Lily: I’ve been a little busy, and minus a computer for a few days. And to answer your question, no, everything is not okay.
Samuel: What’s been happening?
Lily: Long story, but I’ve spent some time in hospital.
Samuel: The baby?


I paused. I had been trying not to let myself think about the baby too much, because I couldn’t stand the stabbing pain through my heart.

Lily: Gone.
Samuel: I’m so sorry.
Lily: Me too. I had gotten used to the idea of being a mum, but I guess the stars really are aligned against me. I’ll never have a baby now.
Samuel: Don’t give up, there’s still time for you.
Lily: No. It’s over. I have separated from my partner.
Samuel: You don’t think that you can patch things up?
Lily: No. Too much has happened. There’s too much blame.
Samuel: You blame him for the miscarriage?
Lily: Yes.
Samuel: How can he be to blame?
Lily: He didn’t want this baby, and I think the baby could tell. I was under so much stress … I couldn’t make a safe place for the baby to grow. It gave up, and now so have I.
Samuel: Do you think that you could ever love someone else? Start again. Have a baby with someone else?


I thought for a moment. Is that something I could really do? Move on and find somebody else?

Lily: No. I vowed to forsake all others and be faithful until death. Even if I can’t keep my vow to be with him forever, I can keep that one. I will never be with anybody else.
Samuel: You’re married? You’ve never referred to him as your husband before.
Lily: I guess I haven’t. Let’s just put that down to wanting to keep some anonymity.
Samuel: While we are sharing, I guess now would also be a good time to let you know that my ‘girlfriend’ is actually my ‘wife’.
Lily: Well I guess we have more in common than I first thought. How is she BTW?
Samuel: She’s been better. We both have. She’s moved out of our apartment.
Lily: So you’re back home from your trip then?
Samuel: Yeah. I came home to try and remedy things, and I think I’ve made them worse. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel lost. I feel that if I make one false move, I’ll lose her forever.
Lily: I don’t know what has happened between the two of you, but maybe she just needs some time? Maybe she just needs to see how much you love her without any pressure from you to get back together.
Samuel: I think you are probably right. I just seem to upset her every time I try to talk to her.
Lily: I’m sure you will be able to work things out.

Samuel: Same goes for you. Keep me posted okay.
Lily: You can count on it.


* * * * *

“You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.” Maria offered again on our way to the church for Emily’s christening.

“I’ll be fine.” I promised. I couldn’t let Emily down. I was her Godmother and I had to act like it – putting her before my own need for self-preservation.

I managed to keep a distance from Max, Emily’s Godfather, until we were both invited onto the stage to make our declarations. I tried not to shiver as Max placed his hand on the small of my back, guiding me up the stairs which I was finding difficult with my crutches. He then remained by my side throughout the entire ceremony, and I wondered whether he was deliberately letting his hand brush the back of mine, or whether it was because we were so crowded in together.

I tried desperately to concentrate on Emily – it was her special day, but my body was responding to Max’s proximity.

“Do you want to get up?” Max asked, brushing a piece of stray hair out of my face.

“What time is it?” I asked sleepily.

“Ten in the morning.” Max replied, having looked at the clock behind me.

“It’s still early. I’m determined not to get up until it is at least the afternoon.” I announced.

“Do you want to go back to sleep?” Max asked, now curling my hair around his finger.

“No.” I smiled slyly.

“So what could we possibly do in this bed to pass the time?” Max asked in a husky voice.

“I’ve got a few ideas.” I replied, putting one leg over him and running my foot up and down his thigh.

“So do I.” Max countered, his lips moving to the base of my throat.


At that moment I felt a nudge from Maria and I realised that I had missed my cue. The entire church, and priest, was staring at me.

“I do?” I replied vaguely.

Apparently that was the right thing to say, and the ceremony continued.

Damn Max for making me mess up Emily’s day. Damn me for my weakness.

* * * * *

I stared at my completed manuscript. It wasn’t the story that I had set out to write, but I guess the past couple of months had given me a new perspective on the characters. I came to realise that sometimes there are no happy endings. It still remained to be seen what my editor would think of it, but I didn’t care – it was the book that I was most proud of.

I had been surprised by how easily the words had come. After my last encounter with Max I had thrown myself into my writing, and practically locked myself away in Maria’s spare room for three weeks – only coming out for food and water, and for cuddles with Emily.

Now that it was finished, and sent off to my editor, I was suddenly at a loss for something to do. Maria had taken Emily out to visit some friends she had met in the nursery at the hospital, and Michael was watching the football in the living room. I figured I might as well join hi. I took my laptop to give me something to do to prevent me from being completely bored to death.

“Hey.” Michael said as I sat down, not taking his eyes off the screen. I could always count on Michael not to make a big deal out of seeing me finally emerge from my solitude.

“Hey.” I replied, opening up my laptop and logging on. I might as well see if Samuel’s online.

Lily: Hey Samuel. You there?
Samuel: Of course, I rarely leave these days.
Lily: Doing what?
Samuel: Waiting for you.
Lily: In that case, I’m sorry to have kept you waiting ;0)
Samuel: How have you been?
Lily: A little better I think. I finished a really big report at work, so I have a bit more free time now.
Samuel: That’s great. I’m not working much at the moment either.
Lily: Slow at work?
Samuel: Just can’t get motivated. I’m just not inspired.
Lily: What usually inspires you?
Samuel: My wife.
Lily: Still no news on that front?
Samuel: No, I’m still trying to give her space, like you suggested.
Lily: Good for you.
Samuel: It’s killing me though.
Lily: It won’t be forever.
Samuel: I hope not. Can you hang on a sec?
Lily: Sure.


There was a knock at the door, and they didn’t wait for it to be opened before letting themselves inside.

“Oh yeah, I probably should have warned you…” Michael apologised.

“Hey!” Max said, as he stood in the threshold. I could tell that he hadn’t expected to see me sitting there. I guess he had just planned to hang out with Michael. From the look on his face I could see it was a pleasant surprise.

“Hey.” Michael replied, while I sat mutely.

I weighed up my options as Max took a seat on the armchair across from us. I could leave the room and hide in my room, take a well-timed walk, or stand my ground and not be pushed out of my semi-permanent home. Max tore his gaze away from me and started playing with his phone in his lap. From the looks of it he must have splashed out and bought himself an Iphone. I decided to stay. We could be civilised.

Samuel: I’m back now.
Lily: Everything okay?
Samuel: Yeah, just had to change locations. I’m visiting a friend.
Lily: And how does your friend feel about you ignoring him while you talk to me?
Samuel: I don’t think he’s even noticed. He’s watching the football – nothing will pull him away from that, even if his house was on fire.
Lily: I know someone like that too!
Samuel: Do you watch much sport?
Lily: No, although I have to admit that I’m watching it at the moment. The TV’s on in the background.


I looked up and noticed Max watching me, and then turn his head quickly towards the TV hoping I wouldn’t notice.

Samuel: What’s the score?

I looked up at the screen.

Lily: Dallas Cowboys are beating the Cardinals 37-21. Why?
Samuel: Just trying to pinpoint your time zone. It’s the same as mine.
Lily: Are you trying to find out where I’m from?
Samuel: Maybe ;0)


I looked away from the screen, and caught Max smiling. I wondered what was so funny. I fought the urge to do something to wipe the smile from his face. Why should he get to be happy?

Lily: Why do you want to know?
Samuel: Just curious. Would you tell me if I guessed right?
Lily: Maybe ;0)
Samuel: Colorado?
Lily: No.
Samuel: Utah?
Lily: No, wrong again.
Samuel: Wyoming?
Lily: No. That’s three guesses, I think that’s enough for today.
Samuel: Oh c’mon. New Mexico.
Lily: You really should get back to your friend.
Samuel: Okay, but only if you promise to watch the game.
Lily: Why?
Samuel: Because then we could pretend to watch it together.
Lily: Okay. But this isn’t going to become a habit – I don’t know how much football I can stand.
Samuel: Believe me, me neither ;0)
Lily: Talk soon. Bye
Samuel: Bye Lily.


“Are you guys going to watch the game or just stare into your screens all day?” Michael asked, leaning over to read my screen milliseconds before I slammed it shut.

“Sorry Michael. You have my undivided attention now. Who are we barracking for?” I asked.

“Cardinals.” Michael replied, before proceeding to explain the game to me in more detail than I had ever wanted to know. But I was grateful – it kept me from having to return Max’s stare that appeared to be locked on me.

“I didn’t realise you were interested in football.” Max said to me at half-time, as I refreshed the chip bowl.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me anymore.” I replied.

“I want to know everything.” Max said.

“No you don’t.” I shook my head.

He wouldn’t want to know how my heart had broken in two when we lost our baby, and how much I blamed him for that.

He wouldn’t want to know that I had vowed to myself that I would never let him back into my heart, no matter how perfectly my body fitted in his embrace.

He wouldn’t want to know that the happiest I have felt for a long time is when I was talking online to another man. No, he definitely wouldn’t want to know that.
"Do you see what we’ve done?
We’ve gone and made such fools of ourselves..."
Paramore - Decode
User avatar
Oz
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Posts: 264
Joined: Thu Mar 09, 2006 7:06 am
Location: Down Under

Re: When Our Feet Touch the Ground (M/L, AU, TEEN) CH15 2/2/10

Post by Oz »

Hi All!

Thanks for all the great feeback. Feedback is nice. I like feedback. (Says the bitter author who sent off her 5,000 word Support Stacie fic over a week ago to the winning bidder and hasn't heard a thing back. Where's the love? :cry: )

Just a short update - but remember it's quality, not quantity that counts! Okay, maybe the quality's not that great either, but as Fox Mulder would say "the truth is out there..." (Did I hear someone reply 'finally'? :? )


16

“Need a ride?” Max offered, holding the passenger door of his car open.

I was sitting at the bus stop, which I had reluctantly given in to when Maria hadn’t been able to meet me at the hospital. Emily was sleeping and I promised Maria that I could fend for myself rather than wake her. I had just had the stitches taken out of my foot, and my crutches taken away due to my apparent fantastic health.

I didn’t feel that fantastic though after walking for two blocks, given I hadn’t used my leg muscles for a few weeks. So here I was sitting at the bus stop rather than walking the remaining six blocks back to Maria’s house, hoping I could scrounge up enough money in my purse for a bus ticket.

“The bus will be here any minute.” I replied.

“C’mon Liz. It’s just a ride.” Max apparently wouldn’t take ‘no’ for an answer.

I looked at my watch. The bus was already late, and I really wanted to get back to Maria’s and help her with dinner. I was too tired to argue about how I would get there.

“Okay.” I agreed, hobbling over to the car and placing myself in the passenger seat as gracefully as my leg would allow.

“How’s your leg doing?” Max asked as he pulled away from the curb.

“They took the stitches out today.” I replied, keeping my eyes determinedly set on the road ahead.

“That’s great. Do you think it’ll leave a scar?” He asked.

“I hope so.” I replied. I wanted to have a reminder of how angry Max had made me feel, so that if I ever find myself falling for him again, I can snap myself out of it before I get hurt.

Max was watching me intently, and I looked out the side window, wrapping my arms around myself like a security blanket.

“Do you mind if we swing passed the apartment? I need to pick up something of Michael’s that I promised I would get back to him today. It would save me an extra trip.” Max asked.

“Sure.” I replied as detached as possible. I didn’t want him to know how much being alone with him was affecting me. All I wanted was to get to Maria’s, but I couldn’t force him to go any further out of the way for me. He was doing me a huge favour by helping me avoid the bus.

Max pulled the car up outside the apartment, and hesitated. “Do you want to come up?”

I hadn’t planned on it, but the truth was, I was dying of thirst and could do with a glass of water. The wait at the hospital had been too long.

I climbed out of the car and followed Max up to our apartment. It felt strange – even though it was my place too, I felt like an intruder.

“I’ll just be a minute.” Max said, unlocking the door and heading to the bedroom. I went to the kitchen and poured myself some water.

While I was waiting for Max to return, something on the dining table caught my eye. Dozens of black and white photos were spread across the table – something I had seen plenty of times before. Max was getting a book ready to publish.

I wasn’t sure whether I really wanted to look at them or not. I assumed they would be shots of Machu Picchu, the place Max had chosen over staying with me. Looking at them could only hurt.

But I couldn’t help myself.

But I found I was wrong. The photos on the table weren’t from Machu Picchu. They were all from the desert around Roswell. They were beautiful. Beautiful, desolate and overflowing with loneliness.

“What do you think?” Max asked, suddenly by my shoulder. I hadn’t heard him come back into the room.

“They’re beautiful.” I replied honestly.

“Thank you. That means a lot.” Max smiled gratefully.

“What about Peru?” I asked, too curious to ignore the fact that we were stepping into dangerous territory.

“I haven’t looked at anything I took in Peru. I’m not sure that I ever will.” Max replied.

“Why?” I asked surprised. Had his trip, our break, been for nothing?

“Because I don’t ever want to profit from something that contributed in hurting you.” Max replied.

“Oh.” I replied. What was I supposed to say to that? I wasn’t sure that I was ready to talk to Max about everything. Sure we’ve yelled and argued, but we haven’t sat down and talked reasonably. This was the most reasonable we had been in a long time.

“Liz, do you think you could give me the chance to talk to you about everything? I don’t expect anything from you other than to hear me out.” Max requested.

I didn’t say anything, but nodded. We were adults and this was the adult thing to do. We both took a seat in the living room.

“I want to make sure that you understand the reasons that I went away.” Max began. I let him continue.

“You know how I felt about having a baby, and when I found out that you had missed one of your pills, I panicked. I know that you wouldn’t have deliberately tried to get pregnant without me wanting a baby too, but I wasn’t thinking rationally. I’m so sorry for any accusations that I made – as I said, I wasn’t thinking clearly. I was just so scared of getting you pregnant, so I left.

“Once I was gone, the fear subsided, and all I could think about was how much I was missing you. More than anything I wanted to make you happy. I wanted to give you a baby, but the more I convinced myself that it was what I had to do to be with you, I knew that I just couldn’t do it the way I was feeling. To me, being pregnant equated to death, and I refused to be responsible for yours. If something had happened to you because of me … well, I would never recover. Maria’s condition throughout her pregnancy only confirmed my feelings. And then when there was a chance that Maria could die giving birth … I couldn’t let that happen to you.

“Eventually I managed to convince myself that my staying away was the best for the both of us. I knew that you deserved to be happy, and I couldn’t see how you could be happy with me if I couldn’t give you what you truly wanted.

“I wanted to call you every second of every day, but I thought that you needed a clean break from me. I was a coward for leaving, and I was being a coward by not calling you to tell you what I wanted to tell you every single day – which was that I loved you. You deserved to be with someone who wasn’t scared. You deserved someone stronger, someone who had their life together.

“So I didn’t call, and I buried myself in my work, believing that the longer I stayed away, the easier it would get – for the both of us. But one day I started to think differently. Thoughts began to creep into my head telling me that being away from you served no purpose. I was so desperate not to lose you, but that’s exactly what I had done. I had lost you. What was the point of staying away so that I wouldn’t get you pregnant – but if you moved on with someone else, that’s exactly what could happen?

“And then I got the call from Michael that you were in the hospital, and there was some suspicion that you could have deliberately hurt yourself. My heart almost stopped beating at that moment, and I made the quick decision to make a dash for the airport. For that whole week I had been debating about whether to come home or not, despite your protestation that there was nothing left for me to come back to. But knowing that you were hurt and lying in the hospital because of me, there was no more debate – I had to come home to you – even if it was just to hear you tell me to go to hell. Which you basically did.

“The journey home was the most agonising time of my life – even compared to the guilt I had been carrying about my mum, or how I felt leaving you in the first place. Not knowing if you were okay? Not knowing what your state of mind was? Knowing that everything was completely my fault and not sure if I would get the chance to be able to tell you that.

“I know that I hurt you and that you can’t trust me, but I’m willing to do anything to win you back. I’ve even been seeing a psychologist to help me deal with my mother’s death.” Max announced.

“Really?” I replied. “I’m glad Max. That’s really good.”

Max beamed.

“I’ve been making a lot of progress too. When I came back I told you that I would be willing to have a baby, you probably thought that I was just saying that to win you back. Maybe I was in a way, but the psychologist has made me realise that just because my mother’s life ended that way – yours doesn’t have to. Women have babies every day without any problems. Even Maria is fine now. I can see that now.” Max said excitedly. “And I’ve come to understand that my mother’s death was not my fault.”

“I’m glad you have been working through what happened to your mother.” I replied honestly.

“And I want to show you something.” Max said, jumping up and pulling me to my feet. He kept hold of my hand and dragged me to the spare bedroom. Opening the doors, he ushered me inside to reveal that he had painted the walls brightly and stuck a teddy bear frieze to the wall. In the corner was a white cot and a rocking chair. There was a teddy bear on the shelf.

“What have you done?” I gasped.

“I wanted to show you just how much I wanted to have a baby with you. I’m not just saying that Liz – I really do. I cleared out all the junk we had been keeping in here, and found this old cot at a garage sale. It needed a bit of work but I sanded it all back and repainted it.” He stroked the wood proudly. “I think it has come up pretty well.”

I was in shock, and the tears were streaming down my face. My knees gave out and I sank to the floor. Unable to hold back the tears any more I allowed them to flow, burying my face in my hands.

“Liz? What’s wrong?” Max asked, crouching down to my level and rubbing my back.

“I wish you hadn’t done all of this.” I croaked. “I can’t bear it.”

“I thought it would make you happy.” Max replied.

“It’s too late. It’s too late.” I chanted.

“Why is it too late?” Max asked confused. “Why? I’m here now.”

“But you weren’t here then. You were gone. You weren’t here.” I accused.

“Liz, please tell me what is going on. I don’t understand. I feel as though I’m fighting against something bigger than just my leaving. I just don’t know what it is. How am I supposed to fight it if I don’t know what I’m fighting against?” Max pleaded.

“The baby…” I whispered.

“What baby?” Max asked.

“I was pregnant … and I lost the baby.” I confessed.
"Do you see what we’ve done?
We’ve gone and made such fools of ourselves..."
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Re: When Our Feet Touch the Ground (M/L, AU, TEEN) CH16 17/2/10

Post by Oz »

Thanks for the wonderful feedback (especially over on 'Lips of an Angel' - it was almost enough to make me want to start another story! But I'll do the right thing and finish this one first :wink: ).

I hope you enjoy!


17

I closed my eyes in resignation now that the truth was out. I couldn’t watch Max walk out of my life once again.

I wasn’t completely sure what to anticipate from Max after my confession. I prepared myself for that fact that he would probably run for the hills, not before saying ‘I told you so’ or something similar. But I clung onto a little speck of hope that after everything he had said to me this afternoon, he would prove me wrong. I prayed that he would prove me wrong.

As I sat there, tears gushing from my eyes, I didn’t feel him move. I scarcely felt him breathe. When it was clear that he was running, I opened my eyes to see what I could decipher from the look on his face. Would it be a look of panic or of pity?

What I saw was Max’s stunned expression only moments before I felt his arms scoop me into an embrace.

“Liz …” Max sounded broken. “I’m so sorry.”

That started a ten minute crying session in which I’m not sure who cried the most – myself or Max.

Eventually the tears dried up and I pulled out of Max’s embrace, remembering eventually that I was supposed to be mad at him. I wiped the tears from my cheeks and avoided Max’s attempts at making eye contact. He seemed to sense that the wall had been erected between us again and didn’t try to come any closer.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Max eventually asked.

“I finally built up the courage to call you and tell you I was pregnant, but that was the day that woman answered your phone…” I explained. “I should’ve told you the next time we spoke, but I couldn’t – I was too scared. You left me because you feared that I would get pregnant, and it turned out your fears were justified. I guess I didn’t want to hear you tell me that we were irreparably over.”

“When did you lose the baby?” Max asked quietly.

“At the same time I hurt my foot… Just after our last phone call.” I replied.

Max looked white as a sheet.

“I’m sorry Liz. I’m so sorry.” Max hung his head.

I didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure if there were enough apologies in the world to make up for what had been lost.

“I wish I had known.” Max replied sorrowfully.

“I guess I didn’t tell you because I blamed you for losing the baby.” I confessed. “I still do.”

“You’re right to blame me. I put you under so much stress… It’s all my fault.” Max admitted, before adding. “I’m not surprised you don’t love me anymore.”

“I never said I stopped loving you.” I replied, meeting Max’s eye for the first time.

Max smiled, but I could tell he was deliberately keeping it more controlled than he would have liked to show.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t here for you and our baby when you both needed me.” Max apologised. “If I hadn’t been such a coward … I’m going to have to live with that for the rest of my life.”

“So will I.” I replied. “It’s my fault too.”

“No, Liz. Don’t put any blame on yourself. You couldn’t have done anything differently.” Max shook his head vehemently. “You were put in an impossible situation.”

“Thank you for saying that, but I can’t help but think about everything that I could have done differently to protect our baby. What I keep wondering is if I couldn’t protect our baby while it was in my womb, what kind of a mother would I have turned out to be?” I asked, letting out another burst of tears.

Max held me again, whispering reassurances about what a great mother I would have been – and would be in the future. I eventually stopped crying and relaxed into his arms. It felt so good to be there again. Like I was coming home. After everything, it really shouldn’t have felt so right.

“I really should be getting back to Maria.” I said, disengaging myself from Max and getting to my feet, before I overdosed on the comfort his arms provided.

“Liz, wait. I know how hard it was to tell me the truth, and I understand that you may not want to talk to me about how you are truly feeling. But I think you should talk to someone. I know that it has really helped me.” Max suggested. “Do you have someone you can talk to?”

I thought about it for a moment. I had talked a little to Maria, but she was so focused on Emily that I didn’t want to burden her. I know she also felt torn between her friendship with me and Michael’s friendship with Max.

But I had someone else I could talk to. I had Samuel. He always made me feel better when I talked to him.

“I do.” I replied. Proud of how rational Max was being – more than I could have hoped for.

“And I want you to know that I understand that you don’t want to be with me right now, but I want you to know that I’m always going to be here. And I hope that one day, we can somehow find a way passed this and be a family again.” Max said, putting a hand on my shoulder.

I gave him a small smile before grabbing my bag and heading for the door.

As I left the apartment I had a momentary flash of Max and I in the living room surrounded by three beautiful children.

And we were happy.

I shook my head to clear the vision. I wasn’t ready for that yet.

* * * * *

Lily: Hey Samuel, how’s things?
Samuel: Is that a little bit of happiness I sense in your tone?
Lily: How can you sense my tone from four little words?
Samuel: Because you usually write ‘how are you’, as though you are testing the waters as to whether it’ll be good or bad news this time. ‘How’s things’ is much more casual, as though you are expecting things to be good. You only expect things to be good when you are feeling good yourself.
Lily: Should I be concerned by how much you are analysing what I write?
Samuel: No. LOL. Just too much time on my hands I guess.
Lily: You’re wife…?
Samuel: There’s been a little progress there, but step by little step. I’m optimistic, but there are some things that we both have to work through before anything more can happen.
Lily: Anything you want to talk about? I don’t want to push, but someone I know recently advised me to talk to someone about how I’m feeling and what I’m dealing with, and I think that advice could apply to you too.
Samuel: Good advice. I just don’t want to bring up anything that would cause you distress.
Lily: I can handle it.
Samuel: Okay… but don’t say I didn’t warn you!
Lily: Duly noted.
Samuel: Well, my wife told me that she had a miscarriage.
Lily: Oh.
Samuel: I warned you.
Lily: No, it’s fine. I can talk about this without falling apart. How do you feel about it? I know you never wanted to have children.
Samuel: I didn’t, that’s true, but I was starting to come around to the idea of having a mini-me running around ;0)
Lily: LOL
Samuel: I’ve been doing a lot of soul-searching lately, and getting some professional help to deal with my hang-ups. I just want to make my wife happy. I want to go back to how it used to be between us. If she wanted to have children, then I wanted to be able to give her that.
Lily: That’s a wonderful gesture.
Samuel: Yeah, well, apparently I was a little too late. She had a miscarriage before I even knew she was pregnant. I know that I haven’t experienced the same loss as her, given that I didn’t get a chance to get used to the idea of being a dad before that role was taken away, but I still feel like I have lost.
Lily: I can understand that. I told my husband about my miscarriage recently.
Samuel: How did he react?
Lily: The opposite to how I expected. He cried. I had expected him to run for the hills.
Samuel: Well, it sounds like I’m not the only one who has grown up recently :0)
Lily: I was really proud of him. He said and did all the right things.
Samuel: Is that the reason I sensed you were feeling better this week? Are you heading back to reconciliation?
Lily: I think it’s too early for that yet, but I have to admit that I feel like a little of the burden I’ve been carrying lately has been lifted from my shoulders.
Samuel: I’m glad.
Lily: I think it helps a lot being able to talk this all through with you. It makes me understand what my husband could be thinking a little more.
Samuel: I’m glad I can be there for you. I think it must have been fate that day you replied to my desperate call for help. I’m glad you did.
Lily: You’re welcome.
Samuel: Sometimes I wish we could talk in person rather than online.
Lily: Me too.
Samuel: Then why don’t we?
Lily: You mean meet up face to face?
Samuel: Yeah. Why not? I think it could be good for us. You’re one of my best friends, and definitely the only one I can talk this through with.
Lily: What did you have in mind?
Samuel: You could come here or I could come to you. We could meet in some very public place if you worried about me not turning out to be a stalker or weirdo or something ;0)
Lily: Where is ‘here’ exactly?
Samuel: Denver.
Lily: When?
Samuel: Whenever you want. Tomorrow. A week. A month.
Lily: Let me think about it.
Samuel: Great.


I closed my laptop and sat staring at it, unable to shake a nagging thought in the back of my mind. There was something a little too similar about our stories. Surely there’s no way Samuel could be Max?

No, Samuel said he was in Denver. He could have been making it up, but he offered to meet me there anytime. If he didn’t live there, how could he offer that?

I told myself not to be so ridiculous, and headed for the kitchen where I heard the sound of voices. I rounded the corner to find Michael, Maria and Max arguing over what to order on the pizza that was going to be delivered. I guess it was Michael’s turn to make dinner again.

That had to be proof enough. Max had been standing in the kitchen the whole time – not chatting online with me under the guise of ‘Samuel’. It was just unbelievable coincidence that we were going through the same thing with our spouses. It was fate after all.

And so I made a decision. I would meet Samuel. I had a work trip coming up in a week or so to meet with my editor in New York about my book. I could stop through Denver on the way home. It would be nice to put a face to a name. It would be nice to have another friend to hang out with. Someone to really talk to, as friends.
"Do you see what we’ve done?
We’ve gone and made such fools of ourselves..."
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Re: When Our Feet Touch the Ground (M/L, AU, TEEN) AN 28/3/10

Post by Oz »

Hi All,

I finally got a chance to update. Thanks everyone for the thoughts and prayers. My husband's cousin is still in intensive care with severe brain damage. We've had a few setbacks from the doctors not doing their jobs properly, but at least she's still alive. She has opened her eyes, which is a good sign.

Hopefully this part makes up for keeping you waiting!



18

I walked into the house to the sound of silence.

“I’m home.” I called, dumping my bag on the kitchen bench and surveying the quite house. “Is there anyone here?”

There was no sign of anyone around, but Max’s wallet and phone were lying on the end of the bench. I looked at the phone curiously. He rarely left it out of reach – always checking it like he was expecting an important call. It was strange that he had left it at Maria and Michael’s house.

Before I knew what I was doing, I began to reach for the phone. Part of me desperately wanted to check his call register to see who he had been calling, or who had been calling him.

I knew it was wrong and I should respect his privacy. I was the one who was keeping up our estrangement. I only had myself to blame if he was getting close to someone else. It was none of my business.

And that’s why I put the phone back exactly where I had found it.

After congratulating myself on my self control, I heard a creak coming from Emily’s room. I contemplated picking up the baseball bat that Michael kept permanently by the front door, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to swing it hard enough to protect myself anyway. So instead, I cautiously pushed open Emily’s bedroom door.

There – to my amazement – I saw Max sitting in the rocking chair cradling Emily in his arms. He looked up as the door creaked, and put a finger to his lips to indicate for me to be quiet.

I crept into the room, and saw that Emily was sleeping peacefully in Max’s arms.

It was the last thing I had expected when I had entered the room. Max – the man who had once been determined never to be a father – was successfully rocking a baby to sleep. And there was a smile dancing across his face.

“I just managed to get her to sleep.” Max whispered, before slowly standing up – careful not to wake Emily – and placing her gently in her bassinet.

We both stood there together, watching her sleeping peacefully. It was a beautiful sight, and it wasn’t hard to think that at that moment, everything was right with the world because of this wonderful little person.

That was until the moment was ruined by the familiar feeling that came rushing at me – the feeling that I was suffocating. Everything was not right with the world. This was Maria and Michael’s miracle, their perfect life. My life was in ruins. I didn’t have a perfect little baby. I didn’t have a loving and trusting relationship. I didn’t even know what I wanted anymore or who I really was.

I ran from the room and into the hallway, sinking to the floor and trying just to breathe. The tears poured and I didn’t bother to wipe them away. They were familiar friends these days.

“Liz.” Max said.

I turned to find Max on the floor next to me.

“Liz. Tell me what I can do… Tell me what I can say…” Max begged.

“I’m fine.” I lied.

“No you’re not.” Max replied. It wasn’t hard to tell I was lying – I wasn’t even trying to hide it.

“Okay, I’m not okay… But I want to be. I should be. Women lose their babies every single day. I’m nothing special. I should just get over it and move on.”

“You are special Liz. You’re the only person in the world exactly like you and you shouldn’t feel pressured to feel any differently than you do.” Max coached. “Only you can determine when you are ready to let go of the pain and the loss.”

I nodded. He was right. I just wish I didn’t have to hurt so much. I wish I didn’t have to feel so alone. I wish that the only person that I needed wasn’t the same person that could break me in two.

“Where are Maria and Michael?” I asked, changing the subject.

“I offered to watch Emily while they went out on a date.” Max explained.

“You offered?” I asked surprised.

“Yeah.” Max replied, I could tell he was feeling proud of himself. “I thought they could use some time alone together.”

“I’ve been saying that for weeks but I haven’t been able to convince Maria to go. How did you manage it?” I asked.

“I think it may have had something to do with the fact that she knew that it would give you and me some time alone as well.” Max admitted shyly.

“Of course.” I smiled – not at all surprised by Maria’s motives. I think it was killing her to see Max and I estranged for so long.

“You don’t mind?” Max asked, sensing a lightening of my mood.

“Surprisingly no.” I admitted, meeting Max’s eyes.

Then the sound of my stomach rumbling stopped Max from continuing the conversation along the same vein.

“Will you let me cook you dinner?” Max asked.

I thought about it for a moment. It was just food, and if it was left up to me I would be having cereal.

“That would be great.” I smiled.

“Great.” Max smiled, standing up and putting out his hand to help me up off the floor. “How do you feel about macaroni and cheese?”

“Perfect.” I replied.

And it was.

Max poured us both a glass of red wine, and I sat at on a stool at the kitchen bench while Max stirred our dinner on the stove. We talked like we used to – that is, like we did before we broke.

It was wonderful. I hadn’t realised how much I had missed it.

“What are you thinking about?” Max asked after I had been lost in my reverie for too long.

“I was wondering whether this really is possible?” I confessed.

“Whether what is possible?” Max asked intrigued.

“That we can find a way back… We can go back to how it used to be between us.” I pondered.

“I don’t think we can.” Max replied. “And I don’t want to.”

My breath hitched in my throat. I had thought that I was the one responsible for keeping us apart, but I guess Max had his doubts too. I knew it was stupid but I couldn’t help but feel rejected.

“No, Liz, that’s not what I meant.” Max read my mind, racing to my side and grasping my hand. “What I meant to say is that I don’t want us to go back – I want us to go forward.”

I met Max’s eyes with surprise.

“I’m not the same person I was before I left for South America, and I’m certain you are not the same person either. We’ve both changed. I think that together we can be stronger and happier than we ever were.”

“I want to believe that. I really do.” I replied.

“But…” Max predicted.

“But … I don’t want to get hurt again.” I admitted.

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Max replied eagerly – his hands cupping my face.

“But you can’t promise me that you won’t.” I pointed out.

“No one can promise that.” Max countered. “All I can promise is that I will be the best possible husband, and hopefully one day – father, I can be.”

Tears began streaming down my face for the second time that night.

“Please let me try.” Max pleaded.

“I can’t …” I replied, causing Max to pull his hands away. “I mean… I need time to think.”

“Okay.” Max nodded. “I told you that I would wait forever.”

“I don’t expect you to wait that long.” I replied. “It’s not fair on either of us to leave things like they are.”

“So you’ll take some time to think…” Max confirmed. “A few months.”

“A week.” I countered.

“A week? Why a week?” Max asked.

“Because in that time I’m going to talk to someone who I think can help me.” I explained.

“That’s great.” Max smiled.

“Yeah, it is.” I smiled, thinking of my upcoming meeting with Samuel for the first time. “So I’ll be back in a week, and we’ll talk.”

“Back? Back from where?” Max asked confused.

“I’m going to New York to see my editor.” I replied, leaving out mention of the side trip to Denver. “My book’s finished.”

“Oh… okay.” Max replied, looking a little put out.

“What?” I asked confused.

“Nothing.” He replied, “It’s just … this is the first book you’ve written in the past ten years that you haven’t asked me to read before sending it to your editor.”

“You’re right.” I realised.

“I guess I’ll just have to buy a copy when it comes out just like everyone else.” Max smiled.

I thought about the book I had written, with the ending that it currently had. I didn’t want Max to read it.

“I’m sure I can get you a pre-release copy.” I forced a smile in return.

“I’d like that.” Max replied quietly, sensing another shift in my mood.

“Anyway, I’d better head off to bed. It’s getting late.” I announced, beginning to take a few steps towards my bedroom door that was just off the kitchen. “You can go home – I can listen out for Emily.”

“Nah, that’s okay. I think I’ll stay here until Maria and Michael get home. Our place is too quiet these days anyway.” Max replied.

“Do you want me to stay up with you and keep you company?” I offered.

“No. That’s okay, you don’t have to.” Max declined. “I’m sure I can find something on television to watch. You should get some sleep.”

“If you’re sure…” I confirmed.

“I’m sure.” Max smiled, and I could tell he was flattered by my offer.

“Okay, well then, goodnight.” I replied, reaching for the door handle of my bedroom door.

“Goodnight.” Max replied, taking a hesitant step towards me, and leaning in to give me a kiss on the cheek. “Sweet dreams.”

I hadn’t heard him say those words to me in such a long time, and they affected me so much that I could only stammer a disjointed reply of ‘g-goodnight’ in return.

I closed the door behind me and let out the breath that I had been unconsciously holding. I felt as though I had been on a rollercoaster of emotions since I had walked through the front door earlier that evening, and it was going to take me all night to process it.

After what felt like an hour of tossing and turning, I decided that I wasn’t going to sleep anytime soon, so I might as well jump on the internet.

Lily: Samuel. You there?
Samuel: I’m here.
Lily: Just checking that we’re all set to meet on Saturday?
Samuel: Absolutely. I’m looking forward to it.
Lily: Me too.
Samuel: It’s late. You can’t sleep?
Lily: No. Too much going through my head right now.
Samuel: Everything okay?
Lily: Yes. Just lots to think about? Decisions to be made.
Samuel: Anything I can help you with?
Lily: I think so. We’ll talk Saturday.
Samuel: Great. I’m looking forward to it. I’m looking forward to meeting you.
Lily: Me too. That’s if I can find you…
Samuel: What do you mean?
Lily: Well, we have picked a place to meet, but we haven’t discussed what we’ll be wearing so we can pick each other out of the crowd. You don’t want to meet the wrong Lily in the café do you?
Samuel: Definitely not. Okay, I’ll be in jeans and a white-T. You?
Lily: Red baby-doll top with black leggings. I’ll wear a red flower in my hair.
Samuel: I won’t be able to miss you.
Lily: That’s the idea :0)
Samuel: Anyway, I’d better let you go and get some sleep. Goodnight. Sweet dreams.
Lily: You too.
"Do you see what we’ve done?
We’ve gone and made such fools of ourselves..."
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Re: When Our Feet Touch the Ground (M/L, AU, TEEN) CH18 21/4/10

Post by Oz »

Hi All,

Sorry about the wait. Life got in the way again.

But this is the part you've all been waiting for, so hopefully that makes up for it a little!

Enjoy!


19

“Okay, Sandra let me hear it.” I said, walking into my editor’s office. I could see my manuscript on her desk with a lot of red pen markings. That didn’t give me much of an indication as to what she thought – my editor was just very trigger happy with her red pen.

“It’s very different from your usual work…” She began. That was an understatement. No exotic location. No perfect dark haired hero. No happily-ever-after.

“I know…” I replied, bracing myself for complete honesty. I was more anxious about this book than any others I had written, well, maybe with the exception of my first. Then, I had been so desperate to sell even just one copy that I would have written it any way Sandra had wanted it. Now, I was anxious for a different reason. I didn’t want my editor to ask me to write it any other way. It had my heart and soul, sweat and tears, into that story. It was all of me, bare-naked for everyone to see.

“I love it.” Sandra announced.

“Really?” I clarified, letting out the breath I had been holding.

“There’s just one thing…” Sandra continued.

Here was the catch.

“The ending…” She frowned. “I’m not sure if it is marketable.”

“Why does every book have to have a happy ending?” I asked. “Life doesn’t.”

I tried not to let my voice waver, but I wasn’t successful.

Sandra didn’t miss it.

“Liz…” She began. “Is this autobiographical?”

I didn’t meet her eye – I was trying to keep my emotions under control.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Sandra asked, and I could tell from her question that she really was worried about me.

“I’m not sure there is anything more to say. You’ve read it all in that manuscript.” I replied.

“How are things with Max?” Sandra asked, concern evident on her face.

“Not great.” I replied. I didn’t know how to define our relationship at the moment. Sure, we were talking again, but compared to what we had been together, we still weren’t ‘great’.

“Maybe now isn’t the best time to finish the book…” Sandra suggested.

“I don’t want to change the ending. Even if Max and I were together…” I broke off. How would I have ended the book if Max and I had managed to patch things up? Would I want to give the book a happy ending?

No. I would still want to write it the way I had.

“In answer to your earlier question, most people generally read to escape from their lives. Maybe they have a lousy marriage, a boring job, or are just plain bored. They want to feel good. They don’t want to be depressed.” Sandra argued. “Are you sure you want to limit the size of your target audience?”

“I wrote this book for all of the women around the world who have struggled to have a baby, have lost a baby, or have lost their partners in the process. The world doesn’t always turn out the way you planned, and sometimes life is cruel. I don’t want to belittle that experience by make everything work out in the end. Sometimes life just doesn’t work that way.” I explained.

“I understand where you are coming from. I just want to make sure that you know that it is risky.”

“I know it is, but it’s what I want.” I replied, sticking to my guns.

“Okay then, we’ll leave it as it is.” Sandra agreed.

* * * * *

Samuel: So, tomorrow’s the big day. Are you nervous?
Lily: You have no idea…
Samuel: I think I have an inkling :0)
Lily: Do you still think this a good idea?
Samuel: Are you having second thoughts?
Lily: No. Yes. I don’t know…
Samuel: What’s wrong?
Lily: I just… I know we’re not technically doing anything wrong, but, I don’t know… I guess I just feel like I’m cheating on my husband by meeting you.
Samuel: We’re just friends. I don’t want anything more than that from you. I’m madly in love with my wife. You understand that right?
Lily: I know you are, and I promise that I’m not looking for anything more from you than your friendship. I’m sorry, I don’t think I’m explaining it properly.
Samuel: Can you try?
Lily: I guess… well, I guess the reason this doesn’t feel right is because you remind me of my husband so much.
Samuel: Is that a good or bad thing?
Lily: It’s not a good thing when you remind me of the man I fell in love with, more than my husband has in the past few months.
Samuel: I thought you guys were starting to sort things out?
Lily: We have been. We are. But I don’t know if we’ll ever get back to where we were. Sometimes I think that I just need to have a clean break – let it all go. Move on.
Samuel: Could you really do that? After everything the two of you have shared?
Lily: I don’t know. Whenever I think I could walk away... suddenly I feel like can’t breathe. But I don’t know if I can stay either. That’s what I need to work out.
Samuel: Do you still want to meet me, given the way you feel?
Lily: Yes. I think it will help me make the decision I need to make.
Samuel: Okay. So I’ll see you in the morning then.
Lily: See you then. Oh, and Samuel?
Samuel: Yes?
Lily: Sweet dreams.


* * * * *

“I really wish you weren’t doing this.” Maria scolded on the other end of the phone line.

For some inconceivable reason, I had confessed to her my detour to Denver to meet Samuel. I think it had something to do with seeing yet another story on the news about a teenage girl disappearing after meeting with a ‘friend’ she met online, and I guess the worrier in me thought I’d better at least tell someone I know where I was going. I guess I also wanted to be able to talk to my best friend about what I was about to do.

“Quit worrying.” I sighed. “I’ll be fine.”

“What if you get there and you find that he’s not who he says he is? What if he’s some psychopathic stalker?”

“Then, I’m in a crowded place and I’ll be safe until the police arrive.” I rolled my eyes.

“Why do you even need to meet him anyway? Things between you and Max are going so well. Why would you want to ruin that?” Maria persisted.

“I’m not ruining anything that wasn’t already broken. Besides, Samuel is in love with his wife and I am only meeting to talk to him as a friend.” I replied, hearing the lie in my voice.

If I was being really honest, I was meeting him not just as a friend, but to see if it really was possible to fall in love with someone other than Max. I had always believed it wasn’t possible – that we were soul mates, but I can’t deny the way my heart skips a beat when I think of Samuel.

“I’m your friend. Why not come back here and talk to me instead?” Maria whined.

“Because he has insight into what I’m going through that you don’t. I’m sorry Maria. You know how much I love you, but I need him too.” I tried to explain.

“I understand that Liz, I really do. It’s just … you’ve never been with anyone other than Max…”

“And see how great that’s turned out.” I interjected.

“It was pretty great there Liz, you know it was. Everyone who has ever met the two of you is completely jealous of the relationship you two had.” Maria observed.

“’Had’ being the operative word. I think we’ve proved now that it was just a façade. We weren’t perfect, just in denial.” I sighed.

“You’re starting to sound like you’ve already decided that you and Max are over completely.” Maria gasped.

“No. I haven’t decided that. I’m just stating the truth.” I replied. “We can never again be what we were, and I need to see if it is possible to find that kind of love with someone else.”

“I knew it! You’re going to have an affair!” Maria gasped.

“I am not! I told you before, Samuel is completely in love with his wife.” I defended myself.

“But what about you? I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but you haven’t been arguing that you’re completely in love with your husband. I don’t know what you are hoping to happen with Samuel, but either way, you are going to get hurt.”

I didn’t have anything to say in return. I knew she was right. I was playing with fire given Samuel’s feelings for his wife, but I told myself that the only person who was going to get hurt in this scenario was me. I needed to do this so I would know if it was possible to feel the same way about someone as I used to feel about Max. And whether that meant I could never feel that way about Max again.

“I’m just worried about you.” Maria continued. “This isn’t like you.”

“Maybe this is the new and improved me.” I replied. “Or maybe not improved so much as… damaged. I’m just doing the best I can. Meeting Samuel feels right. It feels necessary if I’m going to find a way of sorting my life out.”

“Okay, okay. So you’ll go and meet this guy and get it out of your system. Just please promise you’ll call me afterwards to let me know that you are safe.” Maria pleaded.

“I will.” I replied. “And Maria? Could you please not tell Max what I’m doing?”

Maria sighed.

“I won’t Liz. Besides, I’m not brave enough to do that. I can already imagine the look on his face if he ever found out... Anyway, I couldn’t even if I wanted to, because he’s out of town for work for a few days. So you have a few days grace before you need to tell him yourself.”

“Thanks Maria.” I was grateful.

“Just come home safe okay Liz?” Maria replied.

“I will. I promise.” I replied.

After hanging up the phone, I thought about what Maria had said. I too could imagine the look on Max’s face if he knew I was meeting another man to see if it was possible to fall in love with him. It gave me a pang in the chest to know that I would be hurting Max like that. How could I do that to him? Despite how much he had hurt me in the past few months, I didn’t want to bring him any pain.

What did that mean? Was I just concerned about him because of everything we had shared in the past? Was it my compassionate nature? Or was it a sign that I was still in love with Max?

I had a sneaking suspicion that it was the latter...

* * * * *

This was it. This was the moment I was going to meet Samuel. I urged the butterflies in my stomach to go away, but they refused to listen – they remained. I hadn’t felt this way since I had started dating Max – since we had fallen in love. I was so nervous, but I couldn’t pinpoint whether it was because I was going to finally meet Samuel, or because I had begun to come to the realisation that I shouldn’t be here – that this was wrong.

I knew I should walk away while I still had the chance. I shouldn’t be here, not the way that I was feeling. Nothing good could come of it. Max would be hurt if he knew, and I could get hurt if I dared to fall for a man in love with his wife. No, nothing good could come of this at all.

But I couldn’t walk away. Samuel was one of my best friends at the moment, and the only one I could really talk to. I needed him at the moment, and I knew that this meeting could help me make a decision about whether my relationship with Max was over or not.

I stepped into the café and swept the busy room for anyone in a white t-shirt, not expecting to see anyone yet as I was a little early. And that’s when I saw him. My heart almost stopped beating at the sight of him here.

It was Max.

I couldn’t comprehend what he was doing here. Out of all of the cafes in the country, why was Max in the one café I was supposed to be meeting Samuel?

The only thing I could think of at that moment was that I had to get out of there before he saw me. Thankfully, my feet complied with my directions, and I ran out of the café, hoping against hope that he hadn’t seen me. I had no idea how I would explain to Max why I was in Denver when I was supposed to be visiting my editor in New York.

It didn’t even occur to me to ask what Max was doing in Denver. Maria had said that he was out of town for a few days, but as far as I knew, he had no reason to be here. Then again, we hadn’t talked much about his work lately.

I was going to run down the street, away from the café, and back to the hotel where I could pack my bag and head straight to the airport – but then my brain started to tick over.

I had always had a suspicion that Samuel and Max’s stories were too similar to be a coincidence. And there was the fact that Max was wearing a white t-shirt as Samuel had said he would be. And in the right place at the right time...

I lent against the wall outside the café, trying to process all of the thoughts that were flooding my mind – replaying all of the conversations we had had, when Max shot out of the café. He came to an abrupt halt as he realised I was standing there – not running down the street as had first been my intention, and as he had expected.

“Lily…” He said, looking at what I was wearing and the flower in my hair. He said it as a statement, not a question.

He then kissed me with such force that I went weak at the knees. It had been a long time since Max’s kisses had had that affect on me.

“You don’t seem surprised.” I stated, once the kiss ended and I was able to string a coherent sentence together. Max didn’t seem to be as shocked as I was.

“I’m stunned.” Max admitted. I could see the cogs turning over in his mind. “You said I reminded you of the man you fell in love with…”

“I did say that.” I confirmed.

“That means there’s hope for us. You could love me again.” Max sounded hopeful.

I thought about the butterflies that the thought of seeing Samuel had given me. It was possible to feel that way again.

“You told me that you were madly in love with your wife.” I observed.

“I did. I am.” Max corrected.

“I love you too.” I admitted, surprising even myself.

I stopped Max’s gaping mouth with a kiss.
"Do you see what we’ve done?
We’ve gone and made such fools of ourselves..."
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Oz
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Re: When Our Feet Touch the Ground (M/L, AU, TEEN) CH19 19/5/10

Post by Oz »

Surprise!

What can I say, I got inspired this week :D

And thanks for all the great feedback. I'm glad you all liked the reunion.


20

“What I don’t understand is how you were holding a conversation with me online, while you were at Maria and Michael’s house.” I queried.

Max was lying next to me in my hotel room bed, gently running his index finger along my exposed collarbone. It was something he would often do after we had made love, and basking in the afterglow. It seemed appropriate now given we had just had the best make-up sex imaginable.

“My Iphone.” Max replied, taking away his hand and picking up his phone from the bedside table. “It would send me a message whenever you were online. I swear t’s the greatest invention ever.”

“I can’t believe we were writing to each other in the same room and had no idea!” I said, referring to the conversation we had in front of Michael’s television.

“I can’t believe you’re here right now.” Max smiled, interlocking his fingers in mine. He leaned over and kissed me gently.

“Me either.” I replied. “This is not how I pictured this weekend to go.”

“Your happy though?” Max confirmed.

“Very.” I smiled.

I felt as though a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. All this time I had been trying to reconcile with the fact that I was having feelings for a man that wasn’t my husband. I had made vows to be with Max forever, and I hated myself for allowing myself to feel something for somebody else. The fact that my feelings were for Max himself made me relieved beyond words.

My phone started to buzz in my handbag, and I struggled out of the tangled sheets but didn’t get to it in time to answer it. I climbed back into bed, and waited a minute or so before checking my voicemail.

“Liz. It’s Maria, you know, the person you promised to call? I’m starting to get worried about you. Give me a call back to let me know your okay before I send out a search party.”

“Who was that?” Max asked.

“Maria. She’s worrying.” I replied while I typed a text message telling her I was fine and I would see her in a few days.

I put the phone back on the bedside table, and turned my attention back to Max. I always loved sleepy Sunday’s that we would spend in bed all day. I particularly remember a weekend spent in Florence, with the sun streaming in the open window and the sheer curtains blowing in the breeze. Sounds and smells from the piazza below would waft up through the window to remind us that there was a world outside our little cocoon.

I heard my phone buzz again, but I ignored it, not wanting anything to interrupt our cocoon at this moment.

“You’re not going to answer that?” Max questioned.

“It’s just Maria worrying about me. I’ll call her later.”

“Why is she worried about you?” Max asked.

“Because she thinks I was coming to Denver to meet a psychopathic stalker.” I smiled.

“Maria does go a bit overboard sometimes.” Max laughed.

He stopped laughing when his own phone began ringing.

“Don’t answer it.” I pleaded.

“It’s Maria.” Max confirmed. “Sorry, I’m not as brave as you. I’m still scared of Maria’s wrath. Not to mention I’m still in her bad books for leaving you when you needed me.”

“Your funeral.” I shrugged. It was not without effort that I ignored the reminder of what had gone wrong between us.

“Hey Maria. What’s up?” Max answered with a roll of the eyes, putting the phone on speaker.

“I’m worried about Liz.” Maria began in a panic. “She said she’d call but all I got from her was a measly text. I mean, anyone could have her phone and have sent it to put me off the trail. Now she’s not answering her phone!”

“I’m sure she’s fine... She’s probably just preoccupied.” Max said, giving me a wink.

I couldn’t help but giggle, pulling the sheet over my mouth in an attempt to muffle the sound.

“Is there someone else there?” Maria asked, her ears having pricked up by the unmistakable sound of a person of the opposing gender.

“No.” Max replied, a little too quickly.

“Are you with a woman?” Maria wouldn’t let it go.

“Is there something else you need?” Max asked, trying to distract Maria from what we both could see coming. It didn’t work.

“You know, the two of you are as bad as each other! She’s off this weekend meeting some mystery guy, and I know I’m not supposed to tell you that, but you need to know before you lose her for good.”

“Maria...” Max attempted to interject, but there was no stopping her once she was on a role.

“And you’re there with another woman being cagey and not the least bit concerned about her welfare. I thought you were supposed to be pining after Liz?”

I grinned at Max, and he couldn’t help but smile.

“I am...” Max replied to Maria, but apparently she wasn’t necessarily requiring a reply.

“You have a funny way of showing it buddy. Why can’t the two of you realise that you are soul mates – you are destined to be together forever? So you hit a rough patch, it happens, what you do about it now is going to be the difference between eternal happiness or misery.”

“Are you finished?” Max asked, keen for a right of reply.

“Not even close, but I have more important things to worry about right now, which is Liz’s safety and wellbeing. As I said, she’s gone off to meet some mystery man that she’s met on the internet. She was supposed to call me to let me know she was okay, but all I got was a lousy text. Now she’s not answering her phone. I’m really worried about her.”

“She’s fine Maria.” Max promised.

“How do you know that? You’re doing god-knows-what with god-knows-who and she’s off in the next state with some psycho.”

“I know because Liz is God-knows-who.” Max admitted.

“She ... what?” Maria was stopped short from commencing her next rant.

“Hey Maria.” I greeted her.

“Liz? What are you doing there ... with Max?” Maria asked confused.

“Max is the psycho.” I announced.

“Wait ... what?” Maria was thrown for a loop.

“It’s true Maria. Liz and I having been talking to each other online.” Max explained.

“Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. Why didn’t you call to tell me?” Maria squeeled.

“Because, like Max said, I was a little preoccupied.” I grinned, remembering the last few hours in between the sheets.

“... Please don’t tell me you guys are in bed right now.” Maria gasped.

Neither Max and I said anything, just as Maria had requested.

“Okay, I’m going to hang up now, but you both have a lot of explaining to do when you get back to Roswell.” Maria warned.

“Bye Maria.” I rolled my eyes as Max hung up the phone.

“So, when are we heading back to Roswell?” Max asked.

“Not yet.” I replied, snuggling up to Max. “I just want to enjoy being here with you for a while.”

“Well then, since we’ve never been to Denver, do you want to do some sightseeing?” Max asked. “We could go to Red Rocks, or maybe check out the museum?”

“I was kind of hoping we could just stay in. Order room service, stay naked all weekend...” I smiled shyly.

“Sounds perfect.” Max replied, sliding over and giving me feathery kisses down my neck.

* * * * *

“Ready to board?” Max asked, clasping my hand.

I nodded, feeling nervous.

“What’s wrong?” Max asked sensing the change in my demeanour since we left the hotel for the airport.

“Nothing. I’m fine. Just tired.” I lied.

Max didn’t say any more until we were on the plane and safely in the air.

“Something is wrong.” Max stated.

I sighed. I wasn’t going to keep lying to him. Something was bothering me.

“This isn’t the best place to talk.” I replied, indicating to the numerous people in earshot.

“Can you at least give me a heads up as to what it pertains to? Just so I can perfect my apology, pep-talk or wise sage wisdom as necessary.” Max smiled.

“I’m just a little worried about returning to Roswell. We have never really worked well together there. Maybe we should have just stayed in Denver. Do you think we could get the pilot to turn around?” I started to hyperventilate.

“Liz... breathe... just breathe.” Max pleaded, passing me the air sickness bag for me to breathe into.

And I hadn’t wanted to create a scene...

“I don’t want to go back to the real world.” I admitted after my breathing evened out. “I want to pretend that the last few months didn’t happen, and we are the same as we were when we were first married. But if we go back to Roswell, we’re going to have to face our problems.”

“So we’ll face them.” Max replied.

“But what if we can’t get through them.” I doubted.

“We can get through anything as long as we’re together. I promise that I’m never going to leave you again. I’ll be with you through everything.”

“I really want to believe that.” I sighed.

“I know I haven’t made that easy for you to do. But I promise you that I will prove that to you every single day.” Max promised. “I love you, you know that right.” Max said, clasping his hand in mine.

“I love you too.” I replied, squeezing his hand.

And we both blushed as our captive audience on the plane gave us a resounding round of applause.
"Do you see what we’ve done?
We’ve gone and made such fools of ourselves..."
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