Author: Rie482
Rating: Teen?
Disclaimer: I don't own it... just used a few lines from roswell
Summary:
Sometimes you only feel through moments.
Just a one parter guys.
Do you ever get those moments when you sit and wonder whether or not it is worth it; wonder whether you are just hurting yourself for the pure hell of it even though you know it may come to nothing anyway? It’s those moments that make you want to kick and scream the place down before you curl in a ball and die. Because it’s realisation that at the end of the day, you could be happier – now. This moment in time you could be happier, you could be completely free of the hurt and the pain; the loss.
But then there is that moment that counteracts the first. It pushes, or should I say, kicks it to the curb. There is that heart stopping moment when you hear THAT song on the radio, see a familiar face in the street or smell the scent that can stop your heart for a gut wrenching second of pure happiness. Once again there are the butterflies, the goosebumps and the reality.
The love.
It kinda just washes over you, you know, and takes over, replaces your marbles with complete and utter feeling. You can’t think clearly and once again you don’t want to; you just let the feeling take over you completely and there is nothing you can do about it. You completely forget about what you need to do to end the suffering.
But in those moments there is happiness so pure that it is worth the pain. It’s in those moments that you realise nothing could ever compare. I love those moments, I revel in those moments. They are the moments in which you really, truly feel.
I used to have them all the time. Max would be told once again that he has a destiny to be a part of and it’s instantly followed by the feeling of utter hopelessness and hurt. I want to curl up in a ball and die, because I know I’ll be truly at peace in death. I know what you are thinking – death isn’t an answer, it can’t make you happy.
But you’re not me. You haven’t been in love with Max Evans. Because, to love him and to truly see him it means that you shall never love another with out the painful reminder of what you could have had.
I used to be sat listening to all the crap that is going on, dying a bit inside every time the word destiny was mentioned. I’d want to run away and cry for hours wishing and praying for the pain I was feeling to stop. I wanted it to end. In those moments I could have died and would have been willing to go, arms open wide no matter how selfish it was to want to.
But then I’d see Max look at me from the corner of my eye. He’ll just look. It’ll be there just a moment and then it’ll be gone, but it’s THAT look. It’s the tearful declaration of love that pores out of his eyes, a love that is blinded by me. From just one gaze I could tell you that Max wanted nothing else but to take me into his arms and hold me. Just hold me. His hands in my hair, his other splayed across my back as he pulls me closer into his body. He wants to breathe in my scent; whisper my name softly into my ear.
It’s a moment that just screams that he loves me.
I haven’t had one of those moments in a while. Actually since the moment he left my balcony, tears in his eyes from seeing me in bed with Kyle, I haven’t had one of those moments. It’s as if all the moments we could have ever had disappeared like the spark in his eyes.
The innocent love was yanked out of him by my treachery. Well, I’d like to think that was the case. To be honest it’s nothing to do with him – it’s everything to do with me.
You see, I changed that night, you know when future Max came to me. I was forced to change, to back away and to close myself off from the real world outside: the pain. If I were to let the pain in, it would have killed me. I just kept kidding myself that this was all for the best – but once that stonewall was up, it never came back down. The pain outside was far too much for me and the safety I feel now is overwhelming.
But with the peace I feel, there comes a price: the moments are gone. I don’t feel anything any more and I won’t be made a fool of any longer.
You see, this is one of those moments, my broom in my hands with my thoughts with Max on some space ship goose chase. This is one of those moments where I’m just giving in because I am sick of feeling all that pain. I’m sick of being used.
As I hear him come through the door I just want to back away and run, run as far as possible.
“Hi”
“Hi”
“When did you get back?”
“Just now.”
And I do, well, kind of. I back away.
“You didn’t call.”
“I was driving all night. I-I just had to get back to see you. I-I’m sorry.”
“You can't do this, max. I love you, but, you know, lately, I just haven't been feeling it back.”
I don’t have the heart to tell him that it’s all me – that it’s me, I’ve lost the moments. The moments were what I cherished; they were the only thing holding me together and I’ve lost them. I can’t do this anymore because without the moments we are nothing.
I can’t carry on living a lie; the lie of pretending to be happy no matter how much I want to be right now. I may not want to leave him, I love him, I cannot deny that, but there are no moments there anymore for me to hold on to. They have long since passed.
“I didn’t mean to.”
“But you did!”
“Liz, I know you've been here, alone, waiting for me, and - And I've - It was wrong. I…”
“No Max!”
It’s then I realise he’s kinda just collapsed on the chair, his eyes on the floor tears welling slightly at the corners. My heart aches slightly, but the moment isn’t there. Will it ever come back to me? I wish it would.
“What, Max? What happened?”
I ask defeated, I might as well let him have his say before I have mine. Before I take this moment to walk away… maybe then go and die.
“I failed. And my son - He's up there somewhere. I've just messed everything up. Langley's life. Yours. I'm so sorry, liz. I'm so sorry.”
And it’s that moment when he looks up at me that I feel it. There in his gaze is THAT look, the one that makes my heart melt and my body tingle. My whole being starts to just tremble with the amount of pure emotion that fills my veins. I step forward and engulf him in my arms, once again feeling like I’m at home.
“It’s ok. It’s ok”
I whisper to him as I hold him, revelling in the moment I have coursing through my body. Because it’s one of those moments; those pure and perfect loving moments that make this whole load of bull worth it. Because, you know, it reminds you of the love that you have there for you. There is the prospect that this may all work out because you have each other.
But did I mention the fact there is one other moment that could effectively wash this moment away? It’s one of those startling moments when you realise that the situation is gonna get worse before it gets better… and you may just end up walking away anyway.
“I’ll never leave you Liz.”
And that was it. Because I know that even if he doesn’t leave, I’m going to be the one to leave him.
So I don’t say a thing, I just let the moment just wash away.