Title: The Christmas gift
Author: ken_r AKA ken242 AKA Kenneth Renouard.
Genera: AU with out aliens, but I can’t help thinking that aliens would have the same feelings.
Rating: probably teen
Disclaimer: I only borrowed the characters of the Roswell show and the love I found in so many fan fics. I hope I used both to make a tender story.
Warning the story is a little sad. Max and Liz have lost their adult son the Christmas before. If you are strong enough to read it I hope you will find the love they share at the end.
The Christmas Gift
Before Christmas 2007, Liz
Liz turned in at the gate. She was breathing heavily as she drove down the empty streets. Liz was no longer a young girl. She had turned 40 last week. Age 40 was no time to be alone but she knew that you played the cards you were dealt. True, you tried to maneuver to get a better hand, but she knew that eventually, the game would be called and what you did was what you could. It was terrible to be alone. Alone and not even free either mentally or legally, to move on.
She stopped and parked on the wrong side of the street. No one would care because the inhabitants of this place were all at rest. Liz walked to a head stone marked “Adrian Maxwell Evans. April 20, 1986 to December 25, 2006. The following line stated “Beloved son may he rest in peace.”
There already were 12 roses placed in criss cross fashion on the headstone. She wondered what time he had gotten there. At first, Liz had tried to get to the cemetery early, trying to catch him, but if she was too early, he just didn’t come. Max needed the release of visiting the grave as much as she, so she quit trying to catch him. Let him have his time and she would savor hers.
Liz took the vase that was built into the headstone and rinsed it out at the hydrant at the edge of the plot. When they were still trying to cope, Liz and Max had argued about the flowers. Liz wanted them to last as long as possible and Max, in anguish, said the flowers were a sacrifice and they should die just like Adrian had.
This was foolish and unreasonable to Liz, but reason had been lost on December 25, 2006. Liz carefully put her flowers in the vase and attached the vase to its base made into the headstone. She carefully sprinkled water on the 12 roses placed on the head stone. No, she wouldn’t take from Max what he needed to believe, but she would fudge trying to hold on to them just like she had wanted to hold on to Adrian when he was born.
April 20 1986
The birth had been particularly hard. Liz was exhausted as she lay in the hospital. They had just taken her baby away so she could rest. Liz had asked them not to, but the doctor had just looked at her and whispered, “Liz, if you wear your self out, you won’t be able to care for him later.”
Max had stayed with her all night. He had, finally, returned home to get some sleep. Max had told the office he wouldn’t be in for a couple of days. He wanted to take advantage of all the time he could to be with his wife and his son. Finally, he had succumbed to the advice of the staff that Liz needed to rest and so did he.
The last thing she remembered as she dropped off was Max tenderly kissing her when she had gotten out of the labor and delivery room. Liz had brought to him the most wonderful present she could give her man. She had brought forth a family. Liz had given Max the promise of eternity.
There is nothing so great, for a man, as the birth of his child. No he wasn’t in a “couvades” where he could pretend that he had suffered the pains of labor, but deep in his heart he knew that he had something to do with this miraculous event. In this case, Max had two worries. First, he knew how hard this had been on his wife and second, his son was so little and so helpless.
Cemetery 2007
Liz knelt and prayed. She was having trouble with her faith. She had a strong religious upbringing but this was a serious trial to the things she had been taught. Max, on the other hand, was always ambivalent to religion of any kind and the death of his son severed any possible tie he could have had to any so called, loving God.
1984 Roswell
When they were married, Max and Liz had had a long discussion about how they were going to raise a family. They had done all the right things. They were both young and they had talked about finances, religion and family. When they faced her priest, Max had laid out their decisions before him. This had gone a lot better than when they laid out the same information before her father.
Jeff had been angry at the loss of both his daughter and his plans for her. Nancy, surprisingly, was more tolerant. Perhaps, she saw that Liz really loved Max and they didn’t want to spend their lives sneaking around to indulge in their love.
Within two years, Liz had become pregnant and all of Jeff’s fears came to pass. Liz had completed two years in college, not the Harvard he had wanted, but rather the nearby university at Las Cruces. Now, she had to drop out. He wasn’t mollified by the fact that both Max and Liz promised that she would finish her degree.
Now, both Max and Liz had transferred to the Roswell extension college to finish their work. Liz would have to stay out for a time, but she was hoping that they would find a way for her to go back to college soon. Nancy had already promised she would help with babysitting her grandchild. Not to be out done Diane, Max’s mother, also promised to help the couple.
2007
Liz stood, looked around, and returned to her van. She didn’t know why she looked around, but there was always the chance that a miracle would happen and Max would appear out of the trees surrounding the cemetery park and take her in his arms again.
Christmas 2006 and after
When Adrian died, it was on Christmas Morning, locking all three families, Philip and Diane Evans, Jeff and Nancy Parker and of course Max and Liz, to no longer look at the holidays with any joy and anticipation, but rather sadness and dread. Max and Liz had tried to support each other. The trouble was that they both diverged as to where they could find solace or rather, the fact that Max was unable to find it anywhere.
Max never faulted Liz as she turned to her church. He went with her to mass and tried to stand beside her. It was the stupidity of those around them that drove him away.
“God must have wanted a hardworking brilliant young man. That is why he took Adrian.”
Max had to steel himself against striking out either verbally, or even physically, as the comments kept being uttered by a well meaning, but totally non understanding public.
Neither Diane nor Nancy ever made statements like that, or at least where Max would hear them. Diane knew the anguish of her son and Nancy knew that he was barely holding on to a small thread of reason. Nancy feared that Max would finally break and she was right.
It happened one night when Liz’s priest was visiting the couple. He, with the feeling that he firmly believed in, but not understanding that it was not a belief that was be held by others, stated, “My children, Adrian is in a far better place. He now enjoys the companionship of God.”
That was the last straw. Max exploded, “If God wants companions so badly let him go else where. Like David in the Bible, who you preach so much about, why did he take my only son? Why did he condemn me to eternal sorrow until I am finally able to die.”
Max was referring to the account when King David took Bathsheba from her husband and then arranged the husband’s murder. David was warned by the prophet, that, he, David, had so many things, so many wives, but he took the one dear wife from one of his loyal followers, who had very little. The crime was more that David had been greedy, than the actual acts of adultery he had committed.
With that comment, Max stormed out of the room leaving the priest to apologize for upsetting her husband, but not for what he said, and Liz to begin her life alone.
Max came home the next day. He and Liz had a long talk. Max, in no way had lost his love for his wife. He just couldn’t stand the anguish he was feeling about the loss of his son. Max understood that Liz needed the people of faith around her, but those people were driving him mad. He wasn’t asking for a divorce, but he told Liz that he wasn’t sure when he could return.
As he kissed her for the last time, Max whispered that if she couldn’t accept his absence, Max would give her a divorce under any conditions she might desire. Max made it clear that he no longer wanted any possessions or comfort from anyone. He took just enough clothes to get by, intending to purchase new things that had no memory for him. He just had to be alone. Liz and Max hadn’t been able to make love since Adrian had died.
1984 and after
As they had promised both sets of parents, Max and Liz finished college. Liz took one more year longer than did Max. After they both got their respective degrees, they moved from Roswell to Las Cruces.
They both enrolled in graduate programs. Both sets of parents were willing to help them. They arranged day care for Adrian and taking just a little longer than normal, they completed their master’s degrees. Adrian was now in school. Max was in a doctoral program and Liz was taking post graduate work while working at the labs at the college.
Adrian didn’t go through as many of the normal developmental steps as most children. His parents were academic professionals and Adrian’s vocabulary was taken from the daily converse he was exposed to from his parents. He always sounded like he was an adult. His interests for the most part, were also adult.
Adrian, of course, played computer games. Like many only children he found companion ship in reading and learning. The computer games always intrigued him as to how they were constructed. Adrian read all he could about how games were made and he read books far in advance of his age level.
Adrian was soon learning to program in several computer languages. He was making his first attempts at making simple arcade games.
Those had been happy times. Max and Liz had learned that it would be dangerous for her to attempt to have another child, so they gloried in the one they had. They traveled to Roswell as much as they could. Both sets of grandparents had opportunities to spoil little Adrian. Each set of grandparents got a chance to spend a week with Adrian in the summer. The two weeks that he was away caused both Max and Liz anxiety because their family just seemed to not be complete without him.
From the start, neither Max nor Liz enjoyed outings that were not family oriented to include Adrian. A night at the club just wasn’t that much fun any more. There were several well-meaning friends who kept insisting that they needed to get out to adult entertainment more often. They were letting their son suffocate them, his parents.
“You need time alone. Just because you have children, that is no reason not to still go out occasionally,” was the cry of their former friends.
Liz tried to explain that being with Max and Adrian was all the entertainment she wanted. Almost everything Max did was with Adrian.
Adrian had made a few friends in his gifted classes at school. Occasionally, he would have friends over to his house or visit their home, but for the most part he was a shy, introverted young man. As he grew Max and Liz would have professional parties that they had to attend. Neither parent was settled until the event was over and they could return home.
Liz was thinking about how happy the three of them had been. When Liz was told that it would be dangerous for her to attempt another pregnancy, Max was firm. He didn’t want to do anything that would endanger his wife. They were careful to prevent this from happening to Liz. In fact, Liz arranged to have a tubal ligation as a precaution.
This was difficult because it was greatly frowned upon by her church. This was one of the few times Liz found herself in conflict with her religion. She wanted to have a healthy relationship with Max and the churches alternatives just weren’t acceptable for her. Max had offered to have a vasectomy, but in Liz’s mind it was she who must take precautions. If something happened to her, she wanted Max to have the right to have another family. They had argued about this, but eventually, Max came around to her way of thinking.
When she first learned that she could no longer bare any more children, Liz was afraid that this would effect her relationship with Max. He had always made it clear that he wanted several children.
No, when faced with her plight and her decision, Max just collected both Adrian and Liz in his arms and affirmed his love for his family.
2007
Now that his family had been broken, Liz wondered what was going through Max’s mind. Did he, finally, want the option of starting over, maybe with someone younger, who again could give him a family? Liz made herself promise that she would let Max go free. Maybe, true love wasn’t holding to someone, but rather letting them go free to find their destiny.
Max
That night with the priest had been the final straw. Max felt embarrassed that he allowed the simple minded fool get the better of him. Liz found comfort in what the priest could bring. Max, given another chance, would have just bitten his tongue and ignored the hurtful phrase. The man hadn’t done it through malice, rather, he really felt he was giving comfort.
Max knew that the priest wasn’t the problem. The problem was Max. He had loved Liz so much. When they were finally married, even though both sets of parents were privately frowning, Max was so happy. He made a promise to himself that he would do right by Liz. With her help, they both would finish their degrees and fulfill their parent’s dreams. When Liz informed him she was pregnant it seemed that his wish for a family was coming true. That Liz almost died, scared Max totally. He adored his child, but he also worshipped Liz, his wife.
Max had taken a job with a medical laboratory back in Roswell. He almost had his doctorate. The job paid well and Max was happy working. He was determined to not be like so many others he had seen to throw their entire life into their job. Max’s first job was to be a husband and father. He never forgot that.
Liz had, also, taken a job in a commercial laboratory. She had a good job and enjoyed it, but like Max, she made it clear that her first priority was her family.
When he got married, going out with the boys just lost its charm. He saw Kyle. Kyle always said that family shouldn’t get in the way of his own life. Kyle had a night out with the boys no matter what. He bragged that Tess had agreed also. She took one night a week to go with her girl friends. When Kyle’s first child was born, Kyle was away on a business trip. He telephoned Tess with love and congratulations. They took turns babysitting while the other went out. Kyle always told Max that you had to keep things in perspective.
Michael had told him that a man needed to be with other men or he would become “Pussywhipped” by too many feminine things. Max just didn’t want what wasn’t family.
Later Tess discovered that Kyle had not spent all those “nights with the boys” actually with, boys. In a screaming fit, she filed for divorce. Kyle just shrugged. That was proof that a man should cover all his bets. One never knew when one could loose everything.
Kyle did a double take at the divorce trial when Tess entered escorted by a man he had never seen before. Tess hadn’t spent all her “girl’s nights out,” with girls, either.
When Max first left Liz, his mind was reeling. He was thinking about suicide. Life just wasn’t worth it anymore. Being separated from Liz allowed him the fiction that it wouldn’t be as hard on her if suddenly he just wasn’t there. Being separated in his mind would prepare her to be without him.
Finding another companion, even for a single night, was just so far from Max’s mind set. So what Liz thought, that he might want to start another family with someone else, had never crossed his mind.
Max couldn’t find a way to tell Liz, or anyone else for that matter, that the loss of Adrian was like loosing a part of his body. It would be like playing the piano with one arm severed. Max might manage a tune, but he could never put the melody back into a family.
Time before 2006
Max would wait until Adrian was old enough to go fishing. He wasn’t that much of a fisherman, but to be out in the woods with his son was all he could want.
When Adrian was old enough for the youth soccer. Max was there for every practice. Adrian was a dreamer. He would dream stories and tell his dad. Max would sit for hours listening to Adrian as he developed his tales.
Finally, there was middle school. Adrian had trouble there. Middle school students are very difficult. Little boys were trying to establish a pecking order. Adrian, being smart, just didn’t fit. When Max would pick him up in the afternoon, he would watch to see Adrian’s face as he approached the car. Sometimes Adrian would break into tears of frustration. Why didn’t the boys just leave him alone? He wasn’t doing anything to them.
There were days when Adrian would be all smiles. The day had gone fine. When Max would see this, his day was made also.
Later, when Adrian was in the band, Max would carry equipment and he dutifully attended every performance. Max and Liz made Adrian’s life part of their own. Max would always push his own work aside and take time to help Adrian with his homework.
2007
For a while, Max tried to emulate those he had previously condemned and throw his life into his work. That didn’t work. Being a workaholic was not what Max was searching for either. Through the spring, Max suffered most in the holidays.
Before 2006
Easter, Max had respected Liz’s, and later Adrian’s, view of the religious significance of the day, but to Max the greatest part was the fun seeing Adrian running to find the hidden eggs at the park. Max loved taking Adrian to either grandparent’s place and watching his eyes as he was given the chocolate eggs and bunnies. Adrian would be so careful to place them in the basket and carry them so that the fragile candy wouldn’t crack. Of course, eventually, an ear would fall off and the egg would crack. Then because they no longer were whole, Adrian would eagerly eat them, taking pieces to all parties present to share.
2007
On that first Easter after Adrian’s death, Max just sat. He didn’t even have a TV. The television only brought back memories of Adrian. Max had given the small one he had purchased to some people who were collecting for a charity. He did think of Liz. Actually, there wasn’t a day that had gone by that he hadn’t thought of her. Her memory was as close as that of the boy. Max was just sure that Liz was better off without him. Let her find her peace. Let Liz be free of the obsession that he was feeling at the loss of their son.
That Easter Liz had tried to attend Mass. She followed the ritual, but the feeling that used to be there was absent. She had lost her child and, for some reason, that event had cost her, her husband.
Liz would go to her parent’s place. She vigorously defended Max, trying to explain that he was trying to find his way. She would defend him to her father who accused Max of deserting his daughter, leaving her in desperate straights. Liz tried to explain that she had a good job and made a good living. She was lonely, but not desperate.
Liz no longer had the plans she’d once had. No more, did she think about traveling. No more, did she think about the house with the yard where she hoped someday to entertain her own grandchildren.
Liz did stop by the church every day to say a prayer for her husband. The prayer was that someway he could find his own direction. She wondered if God even listened to her, since Max hadn’t been that strong a believer. Maybe, she said the prayer just for her own sake. Liz couldn’t give up her own desire to help Max, if she only knew how.
To Max’s parents, especially his father, she had more trouble defending Max. Diane and Philip both knew their son well. Philip was more of a “Suck it up and bare it” type of guy. But, Diane well knew the pain Max felt at the loss. Diane always held Liz tightly when she came over to see them. Somehow, Diane saw something of the grandson she had lost in Liz. She felt that Liz was a second daughter to her.
When Max came to see his parents, he was careful to ascertain that they didn’t have someone else there first. He wouldn’t say it, but Diane was sure that he meant Liz. Diane so wanted to bring them back together, but Philip said, and she agreed, that to force Max toward anything would assure that he would rebel.
Max had been working 15 hour shifts for the last several weeks. This assured that he would go home, eat and pass out. Mentally, he was burning out. Those at the lab noticed that he no longer had the insight he had been known for before.
The director of the labs decided to take Max out of the lab for a while. There was a need for someone to take their findings to several different companies. Max was a good speaker and this would give him something that would be a change.
Liz first noticed that the roses left across the headstone were missing. At first, she thought, maybe, Max had come to some milestone in his grief where he no longer needed to visit the grave as much as she. Talking to Maria who approached Michael, Liz learned that Max’s job had put him on the road for a while. Publicly, Liz voiced that this was good since it made Max find new avenues to, maybe, direct his life. Privately, Liz thought that, maybe he would finally request that divorce and move on. She thought, “Was that what she wanted?” Then, she shivered.
Maria, in all her own thoughts of kindness, kept telling Liz that, maybe, she should broach the subject of divorce. Then she, Liz, would be free to date and get back in the game. It did no good to tell Maria anything. Maria couldn’t see why Liz didn’t want a normal life again. Liz tried to tell her that she no longer could ever think of normal. Her child was dead. She had lost part of her body and soul. There was nothing out there for her. Of course, that didn’t stop Maria from trying to arrange meetings with men she thought would go well with Liz. Liz took to avoiding Maria but that just cut off one more thing in her life. The loss of her son had cost her, her husband, damaged her faith and, now, damaged the companionship of her meddlesome friend.
Max tried churches. First, he tried the Catholic Church of his wife. That was the church he was most familiar with. He, also, attended several other churches. Liz had found comfort in her church in the past. Maybe, he just hadn’t tried hard enough.
He didn’t get what he wanted from the services so he approached the preacher once and asked if they had other studies that he could attend. He made it clear that he was looking for something, but he wasn’t clear what. Several of the churches had bible studies and some of them had discussions about life issues. Max tried to attend as many of those as he could.
Brother Bob led a group. When Max approached him, he said, “Of course, come. We talk about family things and things that effect us all.”
Max tried. They had discussions about child rearing. Most of the parents wanted to know how they could find out what their children were doing. At first, Max wondered what they were getting at. He just hadn’t had those problems with Adrian. Adrian could be approached with logic. He had known that he had a great amount of freedom. Adrian also understood that if he lost the trust of his parents, the cost would be very great. Adrian learned that if he made a mistake, it was better to fess up and take the consequences than to enter into a lie and have that burden of trying to support his lie.
Finally one night one father, exasperated as he stormed out. “I will just be so glad when they get grown and get out of the house!”
Max stood up. “When they are out of the house, you will still have your children. Some of us would give anything to even be able to yell at our child again,” with that, Max left.
Max wasn’t a drinker, but he had stopped one evening at this small bar. He had his one beer and was sitting at the bar when a man sat down beside him. One off the cuff comment followed another and, soon, they were deep into philosophy.
What are you looking for, son?” the man asked.
Max looked at him, “I think I am looking for answers.”
“Well, do you expect to find them here?” was the question.
“I do not know. I just know that I need to find them.” Max replied.
The man leaned forward, he tapped Max on the forehead, “Any answers you need will be found up there.”
Max looked at him, “How do you know? I haven’t even told you the questions I have.”
“Don’t hardly matter son. What ever is bothering you has its answer right up there. You just have to search for it. Look son, I have traveled the world over looking for answers. I have talked to wise men all over the world. No, nothing I found was ever as clear as what I found sitting right up there all along.” The old man leaned back. He was drinking his beer while watching Max’s face.
Max sat there thinking as he sipped the last of his beer. He got up to go to the bathroom, when he came back the man had left.
Thinking about Christmas 2006
Liz had prepared for Midnight mass. Tomorrow, it would be one year since her life had been totally disrupted. She could still see and hear that night. The ringing of the telephone, late at night, that never spelled anything but grief some way. The request to go to the door and talk to the policeman along with the refusal to answer what it was about, only increased the dread. On opening the door, the sight of a policeman and a priest standing there. Max was immediately there talking to them. As she came out, Max had held her to him. He whispered, “Adrian was killed in an accident a couple of hours ago. They want us to meet them at the hospital.”
Then, there was the calling of her parents, his parents, trying to get past befuddled sleep-ridden minds to convey the importance of her news. The many questions that she had no answers for, just put more stress on her. Max tried, but Liz could see that he was rapidly drifting into a breakdown.
Christmas Eve 2007
Liz carried a box out to her car. She had a small Christmas tree and candles and paper sacks to make luminarias. She had picked up a fifty pound bag of play sand, but, wisely, left it in the car. After midnight Mass, Liz intended to go to the cemetery and visit the grave of her son. She hoped that the crowds would have thinned out by then. She also put Adrian’s toy wagon in the car in case she had to carry her things very far.
Liz met her family at mass. They celebrated like they had when she was little. Both Nancy and Jeff tried to get Liz to come back to their house for a while, but Liz refused. She saw no sense in explaining but she wanted to spend Christmas morning at Adrian’s grave.
There were still several cars at the cemetery. The luminarias were burning at many places. The votive candles would last into the early morning. Liz had planned her decorations. She got out the wagon and started filling the lunch bags with an inch of sand. She folded the top down an inch or so to make it stay open. Liz made sure her little tree and the other decorations were in the wagon also. Her breath made clouds of fog as she pulled the wagon through the snow. It wasn’t often that it snowed in Roswell, but the first year after Adrian’s death the ground was covered. As she tried to make her way in the dark, she saw a star low in the sky. It seemed that Liz was pulling the wagon straight toward the star. Liz had been here so many times she knew the direction. She had to think. sSe was a biologist not an astronomer, but she couldn’t think of a bright star in that part of the sky. As she pulled the wagon, the star seemed to be getting brighter. It gave the illusion that she was being guided by the star. Liz had to laugh at herself. This would be one of the things that Max would say was created in her imagination.
As the star got larger she could see two companion stars one red and the other green on either side. Christmas colors as the bright star banked and the plane, low in the sky because of the low hanging clouds, made its approach to the runway of the airport on the mesa to the west.
Yes, the illusion that she was being guided to the gravesite was now shattered. Liz had been looking at the star so intently as she approached the grave, that she didn’t see the man huddled, sitting in the snow right beside the grave until she was almost upon him. In front of the man was a candle burning. He was covered with a dusting of snow testifying about how long he had been there. Liz stopped. First, she questioned and, then, she was sure the figure was Max. She made a noise inadvertently. Max spun around, looking at her.
“I am sorry Max, I didn’t know anyone would be here. I can leave if you want me to.” Liz stated.
Max looked at her. “No, but I will help you, if you want to decorate the grave.”
Liz looked at Max. He looked terrible. His eyes were dark circled and his skin was drawn. His hands were in gloves, but Liz could tell that they were shaking. She couldn’t tell if it was from the cold or something else. Max was dressed impeccably, but he hadn’t shaved today. The stubble had caught snow so his face was as dusted with the white stuff as much as his dark wool topcoat. Max stood up, but Liz could tell that he was in a lot of pain. He walked over to her. Taking her shoulders in both hands, he looked at her.
“Liz, you are just as beautiful as you were that day so long ago when we got married.” He released her shoulders and bent toward the wagon. Liz felt a surge of disappointment as she had hoped he would pull her to him and kiss her. She missed him so much. Max carried the sacks of sand and the box of candles to the gravesite.
Max bent to remove his candle, “No, Max, this should be from the both of us. We were both part of Adrian and we should both be part of whatever this is now.”
They worked to form the cross that Liz had planned on Adrian’s grave. The only change she made was in the middle of the cross pieces where she placed the bare candle of Max.
They both stepped back. Max was standing with his arm around her shoulders as they watched the flickering of the wicks. They put the little Christmas tree on the grave and Liz slowly started to sing a Christmas carol. Her voice sounded thin in the light breeze, which was blowing the dusting snow. Max finally joined in.
When they quit, Liz could hear other singers taking up her start of the carols. Finally, they could hear singing from all over the cemetery. About that time, Liz heard a faint roar. She looked up and there coming right at her, again, was a star. This time, she knew what the star was, so when the plane banked for the final approach, she was neither surprised nor disappointed. Liz thought, for a minute, she could revel in the thought that it was a star coming right at her. A star, that was showing her the Christmas present, that she truly wanted. Liz didn’t know if he would stay or not, but for the moment she was as happy as she could be on this otherwise sad day.
They walked back to her van with Max pulling the wagon. When he had put the wagon back in the van, Max turned to Liz. “May I come home. I think I now know what I was looking for. All the time, it was in you. Faith and everything else, I can find in you. I just can’t let outsiders break that bond.”
Max followed her home. Once inside, it was after 2:00AM Max got a shower and then Liz took hers. But by the time she was out, Max was fast asleep.
Liz woke up as she always did at six that morning. Even though she only had less than four hours of sleep, old habits still directed her. Liz got up and put the coffee on. When this was done, she came back to bed. Max had turned over, but he showed no intention of waking up.
Liz slept another two hours. Max was still sleeping. The only thing he had done was to turn over another time. Liz saw that Max was very restless in his sleep. She wondered how long it was since he had had a good night.
At eight, Liz carefully got out of bed and went into the other room. Being as quiet as she could, she called her mother. “Mom, I am not coming over this morning. No, I do not know if I will make it for lunch, either. I can’t explain now, but I will later.” Liz hung up the phone before she had to play 20 questions with her mom.
When she got back to her bedroom, Max was trying to wake up. He was on his back with his arms folded above his head. He seemed to be having trouble seeing. Liz went to the drapes and pulled them, darkening the room.
Liz thought she saw the glimmer of a smile on his face. If it was, it would be the first she had seen since Adrian’s death. Liz quickly dressed and, before leaving, she bent over and kissed his lips. His beard stubble scraped her skin. She hoped he would shave, but Liz was happy just to have Max home. Again, he had said nothing about how long he would remain here.
Past
Max and Liz had always exchanged presents. When they were first married the presents were, by necessity, inexpensive. After the birth of their son, buying for him took priority. They still tried to find some token to give each other.
Last Christmas
Liz had to think this would be the second time they didn’t exchange anything. Neither of them had remembered whether or not they had bought anything last year. The whole morning was so disrupted that Liz could barely remember anything about it. They had to wait until the next day to visit the mortuary. The things they did to make the funeral happened were, also, just a blur.
Now
Liz had already prepared the coffee pot. She had filled it. That was not normal because this last year, since Max had left, she had only made herself two cups every morning. Max came into the kitchen. Liz hadn’t touched his clothes so they were right where he had left them in the drawers. When he left he had taken very few things. He bought new clothes as if to leave all the old life behind, trying to rid himself of the memories.
There was one memory that Max didn’t leave. He always remembered Liz. He just wasn’t sure he was good for her anymore. She was trying to find comfort where he couldn’t. The words of that priest had just convinced him that there was no way he could live with her life any more.
If, as the man in the bar had said, the problems and answers were all in his head, leaving had only carried his troubles with him. Now, Max wanted to try to come home to what he still loved and try to seek his answers within his own mind.
Liz busied herself about the kitchen, making eggs and toast to go with the coffee, just as she had done so many times since they had been married. Max just sat and watched her. She wasn’t the little girl he had married, anymore. Liz was now a mature woman who, just like Max, had lost all of her dreams.
Max thought, “Were his friends right?” He had put all his life in his family and now lost it. Would things have been better if he and Liz had protected their life more and not indulged themselves so much in Adrian. Then, Max remembered the day when Adrian crawled into the car and started talking about the “Necklace,” by Guy de Maupassant.
It was a story that many generations of children have been made to read. The lady had borrowed a valuable necklace to wear to a formal dance. She had lost it. Both she and her husband had ruined their lives trying to pay off the debt that they had incurred to repurchase an identical one to return. Later, she was talking to the lady who had loaned her the necklace. The lady wondered how her friend had fallen so low in life and was, obviously, so used and run down. She explained that she had lost the original necklace and they had incurred great debt replacing it.
The irony, which the students are to learn and discuss, was that the original necklace had been cut glass and of little value.
Adrian said, “Dad, if she had only confessed up her carelessness, she would have learned the necklace was fake and she didn’t have to loose so much of her life.”
That conversation right there showed the moral value system that Adrian was building and the intellectual background he was acquiring. No, nights with the boys or nights without family could not replace that afternoon. There were so many like that. Max and Liz were not wrong in what they did. Their life style had fit their needs.
Now, Adrian’s life had been made of genuine gemstones. It had been lost and now they had to incur the dept, not of replacing it, but of sealing it away in both their hearts. Max had to not let outsiders, damage this seal.
Liz set the eggs before him along with a coffee refill. They sat and ate as they had the two years before 1986. Neither said anything. Liz was still scared to hear what Max’s plans would be. Max was wondering if he even had the right to ask to come back.
Max and Liz had finished their eggs. They were sitting with the last dregs of the contents of their coffee cups. Each separately wondering if they wanted to get up and refill their cups. Max was idly drawing designs in his egg plate with that little residue of coffee, found in his spoon, as he took it out of the cup.
“I met a man one night. It was in a bar,” Max began.
Liz wondered where this was going since she had never known Max to frequent bars or drink very much.
“This man told me all my questions and the answers to them were already in my head. I just had to learn to find them.” Max leaned back in his chair, looking at Liz. Liz just remained still. Max was trying to say something and the less she said right now would help him stay on task.
Max continued, “The man disappeared right after saying that. I got up to go to the men’s room and when I came back, he was gone. He had left neither empty glass or anything to tell of his presence.” Max picked up his cup and saucer along with that of Liz. He took them over to the sink and rinsed them out.
Max turned and sat back down, “My first question was why did Adrian die? The answer for me and for me only, is that there was no reason. We look for too much order in our universe and it isn’t there. For me, the reason must always be that he died, for no reason. My second question was why was I the only one to see this. The answer is, that I need to see this answer. For others, maybe they need other reasons and interventions. But for me, I need to see that this was a no-fault situation. Adrian just died, period. This is the end of the story.” Max reached out and took Liz’s hand. He led her back into the living room. They both took positions in the love seat, side by side.
Max continued, “I must not try to tell or make others see this, because it might not be what they need to believe. I must not allow them to try to change my view either.”
Max took both of her hands. Sitting, facing each other, their knees touching, he said, “Our family needs things to believe in. If I can’t find them, I must rely on you to do so. My faith must reside in you. We are still a family. Adrian is still our son. Whether he has gone elsewhere or is just a memory, he still remains part of our family. No one can be allowed to take this from us.”
Liz had lowered her eyes. “Max, you do not know how hard it has been for me to keep any faith. I need to have your support to remain family. I can’t allow myself to regret how much of our lives we put into the life of our son. Now he is just not with us and neither of us is sure where he has gone. We both have beliefs that we need to have to continue. We made a change when he was born and, now, it is time to make another change. Our lives aren’t going to be like they were before Adrian was born, but they will be different from what they were a year ago.
About five o’clock in the afternoon Liz’s mother called, “What is happening? Are you all right? We missed you so much at Christmas dinner. Our family just wasn’t the same.”
“Mom,” Liz began, “Max came home. We have been talking all afternoon. I am sorry about Christmas dinner, but what Max and I decide to do is just so much more important. No, we haven’t decided yet, what, we are doing. We just have over a year’s worth of things to think about. Our family isn’t the same and won’t ever be. We just have to discover what we do have and see if it is enough.” Liz hung up the phone. Her mother still had so many more questions, but her mom’s questions were questions of curiosity. Liz was seeking answers for survival.
There wasn’t much in the house for dinner, because Liz had intended to go to her parent’s house. Tomorrow, if Max stayed, they would buy groceries. Their supper was mainly toasted cheese sandwiches. Liz thought, “Some Christmas dinner!” Then, she thought, “This was the nicest dinner she could have. Max was home.”
Later that evening, they were sitting on the love seat. Max had his arm around Liz and she was clutching his other hand in both of hers. “I don’t have any gift for you. I do not remember what I bought or what I did with it last year, so this is the second year I have nothing to give you,” Max said. “All I could think of was how I could manage to come back to you these last few days. All I could ever want is for us to build our family again.”
Liz looked up at Max, “Max, the only present I have ever prayed for has been for you to come back and for us to heal each other. It looks as if that prayer might be answered.” Liz reached up with both arms and pulled herself up and Max down so she could kiss him.
There was a bright light in the window. Was this a Christmas star? The light shown straight down, from above. For several minutes, Liz thought that it might be a sign. Then she heard the whomp, whomp, of the police helicopter as it continued its rounds with its search light, looking for prowlers on this Christmas night. Then, Liz remembered what Max had said. “Sometimes you need things to believe in.” Now, if she chose to believe this was a Christmas star come to affirm their lives together, who was she to argue against herself with logic and facts.
That night, for both of them, they held each other. Liz felt tears on Max’s cheek, just like she knew were running down her own. There was no urgency from their long abstinence. They weren’t trying to fill a physical need, although it was probably there. They were making love because they needed the intimacy to hold their family together.
Tomorrow, they would collect all of Max’s things and bring them home. They would even visit her mother’s home. Liz would be sure to call first and demand that her mother hold all questions until some later date. They both would also visit Max’s parents. They would do both of these things together. They were a family.
If asked if she had children, Liz would answer, “Yes I have one son. He died recently.” That would be sufficient. Liz would attempt to shield Max from those whose philosophy he found so hurtful.
But, Max would realize that the only person who counted was Liz and he would keep his faith in her. Max needed direction. The only place he was going to find, it was in her. They were the Christmas gifts to each other. No greater jewel or trinket would ever be exchanged than the presence they maintained for each other.