RiceKrispy
keepsmiling7
carolina_moon
Alien_Friend
DMartinez
Emz80m
behrluv32
begonia9508
scorpio6
Natalie36
Wench On A Leash
bella_svetlana
Cocogurl
CandyDreamQueen
Moonlit Jade
nitpick23
You bunch of turncoats, you!
First you were all: “Oh, poor Max.” and now you’re all: “Ugh, what a douche!” What happened to the love? What happened to the support? What happened to the “Awe, this guy really needs a hug?” lol.
Seriously, I understand what you all are saying. Max screwed up big time! But do me a favor and don’t be so hard on the guy. I’m not saying he wasn’t a douche for what he said. In fact, it was probably number 1 on the list of things not to say to your wife after she just had a miscarriage, but give the guy a break. Do it for me? Pretty please? After all, he is a guy. I don’t know if you’ve noticed or not, but we’re not exactly the brightest breed. lol
Anyway, thank you all so much for reading, and waiting, and waiting, and waiting… And thanks for all the great feedback. I really enjoyed reading it. Just a heads up. The next chapter will probably be the last. I haven’t quite decided yet. If it’s not the last chapter then the chapter after it will definitely be the last.
Enjoy!
~Chad~
~~ELEVEN~~
There’s something very peculiar about enlightenment. It’s like suddenly being able to see again after having been blind for a long period of time. Or slipping on a pair of glasses when you thought you saw perfectly before. The difference hits you hard and fast. Everything you thought you were seeing clearly becomes nothing more than a blur, and what you see now changes your entire vision. It’s potent, and profound, and takes some getting used to. But once you are used to your newfound enlightenment, it makes everything so much better.
I brushed Liz’s hair back away from her face and kissed her forehead. I felt enlightened, and it felt good. Oddly enough it was laughably easy for me to let go of all of the emotions I’d felt before. None of it seemed to matter anymore. All that mattered was her, and me, and the two of us getting our life back together.
I know that feelings aren’t often this easy to change. Love and hate are two of the most powerful emotions a human being can experience. They are also two of the closest. Sometimes it is intense love that creates hate, just as extreme hatred can come from a love so deep. But understanding how close those two emotions really are can change everything about them.
Yeah, enlightenment was a heady thing.
I felt her stir beside me. She was starting to wake up. I watched as her eyes fluttered opened slowly and she looked up at me. Just as I remembered, it was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. It reminded me of so many mornings before, when she opened her eyes, and I had the honor of being the first thing she laid eyes upon.
The luckiest man in the world.
I didn’t want to leave her side. Away from her was the last place I wanted to be, but everyone was still waiting outside, and I wanted to let them know she was awake. “Everyone’s waiting to see you,” I told her. “Is it alright if I go and get them?”
I felt her nod silently against my chest. I squeezed her hand and waited until I felt her squeeze mine back. “I’ll be right back,” I promised, sliding off the bed. I held on to her hand for as long as I possibly could as I walked to the door. When I stepped outside of the room, everyone was waiting for me. They all looked worried and anxious. I’m sure those words couldn’t compare to what they were feeling inside.
“She’s awake,” I told them.
The whole room sighed in relief. Her mother and father were the first to push past me and enter her room. Nancy Parker hurried over to the seat at Liz’s bedside that I had previously been sitting in. She took her hand. “My Lizzie,” she whispered down to her daughter. “My beautiful little girl.” Mr. Parker just stood silently at the side of the bed.
I stood in the doorway watching them, not wanting to interrupt this fragile moment between my wife and her family. Her father stroked her hair, while her mother kissed her bruised cheeks. The three of them spoke so lowly to one another that I couldn’t hear their words. I could see Liz nod every now and again, and she even managed to smile up at her parents a few times. There were tears in her mother’s eyes, and her father looked as if he was trying very hard to hold back his own.
I was preparing to slink out of the room to give them more privacy, when she called out my name. “Max.”
Her voice was soft, so weak I almost couldn’t hear it. “What is it, baby?” I asked turning around.
“Please don’t go,” she said, never taking her eyes away from me. Her parents’ eyes were glued to me as well. They watched me threateningly, like any parent in this situation, expecting me to grant their little girl’s every request, or else.
I ignored her parents’ intimidating glares and smiled reassuringly at her. “I’m not going anywhere,” I said stepping away from the door and back into the room.
And I wasn’t.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was another two days before I was allowed to take her home with me. Because of the damage she’d sustained, Dr. Kirkland had wanted to keep her longer, just to make sure she was alright. I stayed with her for almost all of those two days, hardly ever leaving her side. Thankfully, she didn’t seem to mind my company.
Unbelievably enough, by some miracle I couldn’t even begin to express how thankful I was for, she hadn’t lost our baby. She’d cried when they’d told her that – great big sobbing, body quivering tears.
I’d cried too.
Liz’s parents were with me the day I brought her home. They’d wanted to take her home with them, but Liz had objected to that plan, and so had I. Her mother had then volunteered to stay with us instead, but I’d declined that offer as well. I guaranteed Mr. and Mrs. Parker that I could take care of their daughter fine on my own. The truth was I didn’t want her parents there. There were a lot of things Liz and I needed to work out, and we didn’t need her parents hovering in the background while we did it.
Her mother seemed skeptical of my ability to take care of her daughter, and with the way things had been between the two of us before the accident, I couldn’t say that I blamed Nancy Parker for having doubts. But things were different now. I could feel it. Maybe it was because my eyes were opened now, or maybe it was just simple wishful thinking, but I suddenly felt like the two of us had a chance again.
Once I had Liz settled in bed, her mother and father lingered at her bedside, asking her mundane questions and making sure she was comfortable. She assured them that she was fine, and that I was there if she needed anything, reassuring them of her reliance in me. After a little more nudging on Liz’s and my part, and with obvious reluctance, the Parkers left our apartment.
Finally, we were alone.
And just like that, everything I’d wanted to say to her, but couldn’t because of the presence of her parents flew right out of my head. Instead, I just stood there wordlessly, having no idea what to say to her.
“Are you feeling okay?” I finally asked. I could have smacked myself immediately after the words came out of my mouth. I was sure the answer hadn’t changed since her mother had asked the same question five minutes ago.
“I’m fine,” she answered anyway, even though I know she was aware of the repetitiveness of the question.
“Do you need anything?” Another dumb question. Boy was I on a roll.
She shook her head.
“Okay,” I said, standing there like an idiot. Okay? That’s all you have to say? Okay? I suddenly felt like the biggest moron on the planet. I was starting to think that sending her parents away hadn’t been such a good idea.
“Just you,”
I looked at her. She looked even smaller in our bed then she had in the hospital bed. She was surrounded by pillows, and covered in about a hundred blankets. She pushed them off of her and sat up against the headboard. “I just need you, Max,” she repeated, and held her hand out to me.
I was at her side in less than a heartbeat. I didn’t recall climbing into the bed, but suddenly I was lying there beside her, and she was wrapped closely in my arms. “I’m here,” I promised, kissing her on the top of her head. “I’ll always be here.” I felt her nod against my chest. “I’m so sorry,” I said. I knew sorry wasn’t nearly enough, but I felt like I had to say it.
She pulled slightly away from me so that there was enough space between the two of us for her to look up into my eyes. “What do you have to be sorry for?” she asked.
I couldn’t believe it. She didn’t know? Everything that had happened between us was all because of what I’d said to her the day she’d lost our baby, and she didn’t even know it. “Liz…I…”
“I’m the one that’s sorry,” she cut me off. “I’m the one that…” she trailed off as she placed her hand over her stomach, and I knew she was thinking of the child we had lost.
I could feel my heart breaking for her. Liz blamed herself for losing our child. She blamed herself, and she thought I blamed her too. It was no wonder she was scared about this pregnancy.
I placed my hand over hers and squeezed her hand beneath mine. “Look at me,” I commanded, and waited for her eyes to meet mine. “What happened before, it was not your fault.”
“But Max–”
“No,” I cut her off before she could make any protest. “It wasn’t your fault, Liz, and this…what’s happened between us, this isn’t your fault either.”
She shook her head anyway. “I should have been more careful. I shouldn’t have worked so hard at the house. You told me not to work so hard.” Her voice quivered, and I could see the tears that had started to form in her eyes. “I hate that house, Max! I hate it!”
“No, baby, no.” I brushed the wetness away from her soft bruised cheeks. “I need you to listen to me, and I need you to really hear me, okay? I don’t blame you for what happened. I’ve never blamed you.”
“But…at the hospital…you said…you asked me…” Her voice hiccupped and she looked up at me, confusion written clearly on her face.
“I know what I said.” God, if she only knew. I would give anything in the world just to be able to take those words back. “They were words, Liz – stupid, stupid words that I wish I’d never said. But no matter what I said that day, you have to know that I don’t blame you for losing our little girl. I really don’t.”
She looked down at the bedcovers. I could tell she didn’t believe me. “How could you not?” she whispered.
I didn’t blame her. I wanted her to know that more than anything. But even if I was able to convince her that what I said was true, I didn’t know what to say to make her stop blaming herself. “It just happened, Liz. It wasn’t because of anything you did, or anything I did.” I tried to console her. “Nobody’s fault.”
She laid her head against my chest so I could no longer see her face. I still wasn’t sure if she believed me or not, but her actions told me that she didn’t want to talk about it anymore, at least not right now.
We laid there in silence for I’m not sure how long, but we didn’t sleep. I was too wired to sleep, and she seemed to be feeling the same way. We didn’t talk either. I was okay with that. There were still a lot of things that we needed to say to one another, but at that very moment, with her lying in my arms, it just didn’t seem important that they be said.
I looked up at the clock. It was just past six, and the days light was beginning to fade. I hadn’t turned the lights on in the bedroom, so the only light in the room stemmed from slits in the blinds of our bedroom window.
She shifted a little, looking at the clock herself. “It’s getting late,” she mused.
I nodded.
“We should probably eat something.”
I looked down at her. “Are you hungry?”
She nodded. “A little.” Her stomach picked that moment to let out an alerting little growl, confirming her hunger.
I arched a brow, “A little?”
She laughed, “Okay, a lot.”
I laughed softly at her before rolling out of bed. “You should have said something.”
“I didn’t want you to stop,” she confessed.
“Stop what?” I asked.
She looked down sheepishly. “Holding me.”
I smiled and leaned down to kiss her on her forehead. “I’ll be right back.”
She lifted up and kissed me on the lips. “I want muesli,” she said, sounding like a little kid.
“Cereal?” It wasn’t the first thing to come to mind when I thought of the word ‘meal’
She nodded and added, “Hard salami too.”
I paused. “O…kay…in the muesli?” Rolled oats, dried fruit, and …hard salami? That just sounded gross.
She rolled her eyes. “No, not in the muesli.”
Okay, that was less gross, but still a strange combination of foods to be eating at the same time. “Right, what was I thinking?”
“Put the salami on a separate plate. And don’t forget to microwave it.”
I nodded. “And would the lady like a drink to go with her cereal and…microwaved hard salami?” I asked doing my best butler’s impersonation.
“No!” she said, staring at me as if I were insane. “It’ll kill the taste of the muesli.”
“Yes Madame.” I laughed all the way as I hurried into the kitchen to make her strange meal.
I returned to the room and presented her he meal. I could only gawk at her in unreserved astonishment as she gobbled down the food like she hadn’t eaten in days. She polished off the bowl of muesli quickly, then tore into the plate of hard salami. I almost gagged when she washed the salami down with the remaining milk from her cereal bowl.
“Better?” I asked when she was finally finished.
“Much.” She belched softly, and placed her hand over her mouth in embarrassment. “Excuse me,” she mumbled underneath her hand.
I laughed before reaching over to take the bowl and plate off of her lap. “You’re excused.”
Now that she had eaten, she seemed a little more refreshed. “You should go back to work tomorrow,” she said suddenly leaning over me.
I sat up, shaking my head in protestation. “No, I’m staying here so I can take care of you.”
“Max…”
“I promised you I would be here for you, and I’m going to.” There was no way I was leaving her alone. Not after everything we’d been through.
She reached over and touched my cheek. “I’ll be fine. I can have my mom come over. She wouldn’t mind. But I know you, Max. I know what’s important to you, and your patients are counting on you.”
I shook my head. “You’re the most important thing in the world to me,” I said. “You, and our baby.”
I touched her stomach. We hadn’t talked about the baby since the doctors had informed us that he or she was still alive and well inside of her. I don’t think either of us really wanted to broach the subject.
We were going to talk about it now.
She looked down at my hand. “I–I don’t think I want to have an abor…” she paused, unable to say the word. “I don’t want to lose this baby too.”
“I don’t want that either.”
She took a deep breath, leading me to believe that it was difficult for her to speak. “But…I don’t want to lose you either.”
“You won’t,” I promised. Not this time.
She laughed somberly. “You can say that so easily now, but you don’t know! What if…what if something else happens and I…I lose this baby? How can you still love me after that?”
“Liz, I will always love you, no matter what.” Again, it was hard to tell if she believed me. She sounded so sad. I wanted so badly to take that sadness away from her. I drew her back down on the bed, and held her close to me.
She spoke quietly against my chest. “Max I…I wasn’t trying to hurt myself. I would never do that.”
She was talking about the accident. I drew her closer still, probably holding her a little too tightly inside of my arms. A sense of overwhelming relief came over me. I hadn’t really wanted to believe it, but a part of me had wondered if she’d truly been in an accident, or if she had flipped the car intentionally. “It’s okay. Just tell me what happened.”
She turned so that her voice was no longer being muffled by my shirt. “I left work early that day. I just couldn’t be there anymore. But I didn’t want to come here. This last week without you has been so quiet.”
I nodded, silently encouraging her to go on.
“I’m not sure where I was going actually. Just driving I guess. The next thing I knew the car was upside down and I couldn’t get out.” Her voice squeaked and she turned her head back into my chest. “I was so scared. All I kept thinking was that I’d lost this baby too, and that you were going to hate me. I’d already lost so much of you.”
She was crying. I could hear the tears in her voice as easily as I could feel the wetness seeping into the front of my shirt. “Somehow, I was able to drag myself out of the car. I think I must have passed out after that. I don’t remember the paramedics coming, or the drive to the hospital.”
I ran my hand through her hair, soothing her. “It’s alright. Everything is alright now.”
She continued to cry in my arms. Her body shook with the force of her sobbing. Each one of the shutters caused my heat to splinter into a million pieces. Before I realized it, tears were flowing down my own cheeks. “Let it out, baby,” I whispered to her, not even bothering to attempt to stop my own tears “Just let it out.”
She cried, and I cried. And all at once, it wasn’t just about the accident. We cried for the daughter we had lost, and the relationship that had almost been ruined by that loss. We cried for the past that we hadn’t been able to put behind us, and the future that was shinning in front of us now. We cried for the baby girl we would never get to know, and little one inside of her now that would never want for their Mommy and Daddy’s love.
We cried.
…and we cried.
Until there were no tears left.
TBC
