Posted: Fri May 05, 2006 11:30 am
Emz80m - Thanks for reading, glad you're enjoying the story
begonia9508 - No, it's not fair, but Liz is a mother, and she'll do, or say anything if it means keeping her baby safe.
L-J-L 76 - Thanks for the feedback, glad to hear you're enjoying the story. As for your questions, I promise they'll all be be answered eventually, but not today...
Flamehair - thanks for the good luck wishes and glad you're still enjoying the story
Lazza - Sorrry...
Erina - lol Well thanks for taking the time to read up to date, glad you like it. As for exams, I sympathise, good luck with yours.
Thanks for the feedback, and a hello to any lurkers out there, hope you're all enjoying the story.
Sorry not to have come back sooner, my project has been taking up all my time, and I had an oral exam this afternoon. With that over though, I felt a need to wind down a little though, so here I am.
I know some people might not have liked Liz lying as she did last chapter, but she did think about it, and didn't do it lightly. If her parents were alive, then could come the question of why she wasn't at home, or even a possibility that Serina might try and find out where they're living and contact them... Things are too complicated, and dangerous, with the FBI, and Emily etc, to allow that to happen, so she did what she felt was best - the most important thing in her mind is keeping Emily safe, and if that includes lying, well she doesn't like it, but she'll do it...
Anyway, here's the new chapter, hope you enjoy it, love to hear what you think.
~Kat~
Chapter 34
“Max…?” Maria pushed open the door hesitantly, unsure whether to go in. He had said he just wanted to be left alone, but somehow, the way he had said it reminded her so much of that summer so long ago after Liz went to Florida. The last thing he needed was to be alone, that much she was certain of… The question remained was whether he would let her in though…
Max continued staring at the wall without blinking and made no response.
She moved further into the room, crossing to the bed he was laid on and taking a seat on the edge. “Max…please, don’t do this to yourself…” She reached out to touch his shoulder.
“Do what…?” His voice was distant, as though he wasn’t even really there…
Maria bit her lip, feeling tears welling up in her eyes. She knew how he felt, she understood… She felt some of the same pain she was sure, Liz having been such a huge part of her life, but the young woman in question wouldn’t have wanted this… She shook her head, blinking back her tears. “Shutting yourself out Max… You’re shutting yourself out, and that’s not what she would have wanted…” She swallowed. “Look at you, you won’t even look at me…am I that bad…?”
Her words caused him to turn his head, revealing the red eyes he had been hiding. “I’m sorry Maria…I just…I-“ He broke off, closing his eyes in an attempt to keep from crying in front of her.
“It’s okay to hurt you know…” She told him softly. “It’s okay to cry girlfriend…” She offered him a weak smile as she reached for his hand. “I miss her too, we all do…but you have to see that she wouldn’t want you to give up because of her… She loved life, she loved you, and she would want you to be happy again…”
Max looked at her, shaking his head at this last. “How can I be happy again Maria…? She was my soul mate – I loved her…”
“I know…”
“Sometimes you know, I dream about this all having been one big mistake, or a nightmare…I think that I’m going to wake up, and it’s all going to be how it was before…” He admitted softly. He never spoke about this, not to his sister, nor to the other boys, but his friendship with Maria was special in a way he couldn’t explain…
The young woman in front of him nodded understandingly. “I know; I do too…” She told him. “I dream of Alex too, and my mom…” She saw him look up and held up a hand. “I know she’s not dead Max, but I likely won’t ever see her again, and I miss her…I do…”
Max sighed. He knew that she had given up so much, they all had… “Maybe you shouldn’t have come with us Maria…I mean you didn’t have to, you could have had a-“
“A what? A normal life…without you guys, without Michael…?” Maria gave a wry smile. “It wouldn’t have been what I wanted…not really…” She sighed and shook her head, dropping down onto her front and resting her head against the mattress. “I might sound as though I’m complaining sometimes, but really it’s just talk… None of us would change what we did you know Max… Liz, Alex, me, even Kyle I think… We made a decision, each and every one of us, and we wouldn’t have changed that…” Struggling over the last bit as she mentioned Alex, she trailed off, breathing heavily and taking a moment to collect herself before continuing. “Liz loved you, and nothing will change that, not ever… You can’t give up though, you owe her more than that… She deserves to know you are trying to live your life, not just sitting around and waiting for it to end…”
Max was silent for now, making no response, and Maria took that as an indication to continue. “Talk to us Max, cry with us…grieve with us…but most importantly live with us…” She sat up again, having said her piece. “I’m always here if you want to talk you know…just…think about it…okay…?” She offered him another smile as she got up off the bed and left him alone once more.
**********
“Live with us…”
Max sat there for a long time as Maria’s words ran through his mind.
“Live with us…”
He looked down at the strip of pictures he held in his hand. It was one of those strips from the instant picture machines… They had been taken last Christmas, in a small kiosk they had found at the service station they had stopped at… $8.99 ‘all you can eat’ turkey dinner complete with cracker and Christmas pudding – that had been their Christmas meal… They had been travelling most of the day, judging that picking up work at short notice around Christmas could be difficult, and deciding it was best to keep moving.
Presents were supposed to be minimal to non-existent, but more than one of them had broken that at least partially… He had bought his wife a new diary, knowing that she missed writing - it was soft rich leather, brown with a golden coloured lock. It hadn’t been cheap, but it was worth it to see the look on her face. So happy…
Despite everything, they had been happy… Even considering the unusual circumstances and the way it had been spent, it had been a good day and they had enjoyed themselves… While driving, there had been a multitude of driving games played, and Isabel had ensured they were well stocked up with festive treats like mince pies and Christmas cake.
It hadn’t exactly been a romantic way to spend their first Christmas as a married couple, but they had been surrounded by their friends, and that had made it special in itself…
When they had stopped at the service station, after eating, Max had stolen Liz away for a few minutes though, saying there was something that he had to do…
“Max, where are we going…what do you mean there’s something you have to do…?” Liz pressed her husband as he led her away from the dinning area.
“Ah, it wouldn’t be a surprise then… You’ll see when we get there…” He responded, dipping his head to capture her lips in his before taking her hand again, leading her down one of the small turn offs.
Most of the shops were closed of course, it already being late in the evening, and some shops having never opened that day.
Max had seen what he wanted on the way in though, and he knew exactly where he was going. “Not much further…” He assured his wife, stopping at the next corner. Reaching behind him, he brought her round in front of him now.
Liz looked around, unable to see what had been so important. “What…?”
Her husband gave a small smile. “Well…I figure that we really should have some pictures of our first Christmas together, and since one of our group so kindly left the camera at the last stop, I figure this is better than nothing…” He led her towards the small booth.
“It’s not on though…” Liz pointed out softly, smiling all the while at the sweet idea anyway.
“It will be soon…” Max pressed looked around, checking there was no one in sight before pressing his hand to the machine and making it light up. He produced some coins from his pocket, and then motioned to his wife as he held the curtain back. “After you…”
Thos pictures spoke of so much hope and expectation. When they were waiting for them to be developed, they had promised to make sure they got a least one every year – thinking that there would be many more Christmases together…
There hadn’t been though had there…? Max sighed. Sometimes he felt like just giving up completely, but as Maria had so rightly said – ‘she’ wouldn’t want that…
“It’s okay to cry…I miss her too…”
Rolling onto his back, he continued to lie on the bed, looking up at the ceiling as silent tears crept down his cheeks. It was Christmas next week…it would be his first Christmas alone…
**********
Max,
I still miss you so much it hurts… I know that it had to be this way, there was no other choice, but it doesn’t make it any easier… I listen to Emily crying out for you, and I feel as though my heart is breaking as I know I have to tell her you’re gone…
It’s Christmas day on Tuesday you know… Christmas day 2003… It’ll be Emily’s third Christmas, and it’ll be the first without you…
It wasn’t supposed to be like this! We were supposed to be a real family by now! We were supposed to be married, living together… Emily was supposed to have Mommy and Daddy right there, just as we dreamt of when she was younger… Just like when you told me you wanted to be there for so much more, but we both knew it wasn’t possible…
We had so many dreams, and I know they’re never going to come true… I promise you I’m going to do my best to bring up Emily well, to be the best mom I can, even without you… It won’t be the same of course, but at least I’ll have the memories we made together to look back on…
Like the day we realised how we felt about one another, our first date, our first kiss…
Or like Emily’s first Christmas, when I was dressing the tree and you turned up… Mom had invited you, and for a little while, everything seemed perfect…
Things were different, but they had to be… Our lives had changed… I remember thinking that when mom held out the angel to me, and I refused it… I’d always put it on the top of tree since I was born because I was the youngest, and that wasn’t true anymore…
I told my parents that it wasn’t my job anymore, saying, by doing so, that I knew things had changed…
I had a daughter now, a child of my own…I had to grow up…
I think that day was a real turning point… In some ways it was the end of an era, but it was the beginning of something else, and I remember seeing something which made me feel so happy…
I remember seeing dad looking at me, and seeing, despite everything, a look of pride on his face… He hadn’t said anything nasty since Emily was born of course, but I had known from the way he looked when he watched me with her that he wasn’t happy… I’m not going to say he was pleased I’d had her even then, but for the first time in a long while, I felt as though he was still proud of me in a way… Things might not have turned out as he would have liked, I might not have been following his plan, but I was his daughter, he loved me, and he was proud of the way I was coping…
That, and seeing you, were the two things which made that day for me… It was so special…
Christmas day that year is another which holds some wonderful memories for me…
I remember that you came back on Christmas Eve on an invitation from my mom after you surprised us all by turning up at the service… The plan had been that you’d go home that night, and come back again the next morning, but my dad stepped in, making an offer which seemed incredible…
He asked you if you wanted to stay over, in order that you were there in the morning when Emily and I woke, and of course you agreed…
It was quite something to wake up with you there like that… Not in bed of course, that would come in later years – or so I had thought… But seriously, waking up to find you there was something which felt right in a way I can’t really explain though… It was as though I was home…
You gave me my locket on the eve of the last day of that year – something I will always carry close to my heart containing that picture of the three of us…showing what we were…a family…
Setting down her pen for a moment, Liz reached up to touch the spot where, under her top, that locket still rested… She sat there like that for a moment, still and silent, and then, taking a deep breath, she picked up her pen and began to write again.
Unless it was it was to clean it, I haven’t taken it off since the day you gave it… I think in some ways I used to look on it a little like something we both knew you weren’t allowed to give – a promise ring… I understand why my parents told us not to make that commitment, I do…and we both agreed to abide by what they said…believing that we would have many more years ahead…but when I’m sat here alone like this, knowing we didn’t have the time we thought I still wish that we had been allowed the few years we would have had…
Regardless of that though, I would never regret a moment I spent with you… I don’t think I would have got through the last few years without you… I love you Max, I always will… You’re the father of my child, my first and only love, and there’ll never be another you…
Yours Always
Liz
As she signed her name, a wet, salty drop fell onto the page from her cheek, smudging the ink. Liz sniffed, reaching up and wiping away more tears with the back of her hand. How she missed him…
She had thought by writing this letter to Max that maybe it would help a little, to be able to get some of the things she was thinking onto paper…
If she was honest, it did help too, to be reminded of the good times they had… How she wished the future held the promise of more times together though…how she wished she could see him again, for however short a time…
Trailing her hand along the surface of the paper for a moment, she closed her eyes, bringing it to her lips and kissing it, allowing herself to imagine for a moment, that she was kissing the man she loved. Remembering what it had been like to be held by him, what it had been like to be kissed and loved…
Swallowing, she bit her lip, silent tears running down her cheeks as she deliberately began to fold the paper over and over before tearing it into little pieces to make sure it would never be read again.
Looking down, she watched her daughter for a moment as she continued to sleep peacefully. She was so beautiful… Liz smiled, leaning over to kiss the top of her head and smoothing her hair before standing up. She dumped the shreds of her note into the bin, and left the room, stopping at the doorway, her hand hovering over the handle, to look back again.
“Beth?”
As she heard Serina call from the other room, the young brunette took a breath, wiping her eyes and waving a hand over her face quickly before turning the handle of the door and stepping out into the main lounge area. “Are you needing me for something?” She asked brightly.
begonia9508 - No, it's not fair, but Liz is a mother, and she'll do, or say anything if it means keeping her baby safe.
L-J-L 76 - Thanks for the feedback, glad to hear you're enjoying the story. As for your questions, I promise they'll all be be answered eventually, but not today...
Flamehair - thanks for the good luck wishes and glad you're still enjoying the story
Lazza - Sorrry...
Erina - lol Well thanks for taking the time to read up to date, glad you like it. As for exams, I sympathise, good luck with yours.
Thanks for the feedback, and a hello to any lurkers out there, hope you're all enjoying the story.
Sorry not to have come back sooner, my project has been taking up all my time, and I had an oral exam this afternoon. With that over though, I felt a need to wind down a little though, so here I am.
I know some people might not have liked Liz lying as she did last chapter, but she did think about it, and didn't do it lightly. If her parents were alive, then could come the question of why she wasn't at home, or even a possibility that Serina might try and find out where they're living and contact them... Things are too complicated, and dangerous, with the FBI, and Emily etc, to allow that to happen, so she did what she felt was best - the most important thing in her mind is keeping Emily safe, and if that includes lying, well she doesn't like it, but she'll do it...
Anyway, here's the new chapter, hope you enjoy it, love to hear what you think.
~Kat~
Chapter 34
“Max…?” Maria pushed open the door hesitantly, unsure whether to go in. He had said he just wanted to be left alone, but somehow, the way he had said it reminded her so much of that summer so long ago after Liz went to Florida. The last thing he needed was to be alone, that much she was certain of… The question remained was whether he would let her in though…
Max continued staring at the wall without blinking and made no response.
She moved further into the room, crossing to the bed he was laid on and taking a seat on the edge. “Max…please, don’t do this to yourself…” She reached out to touch his shoulder.
“Do what…?” His voice was distant, as though he wasn’t even really there…
Maria bit her lip, feeling tears welling up in her eyes. She knew how he felt, she understood… She felt some of the same pain she was sure, Liz having been such a huge part of her life, but the young woman in question wouldn’t have wanted this… She shook her head, blinking back her tears. “Shutting yourself out Max… You’re shutting yourself out, and that’s not what she would have wanted…” She swallowed. “Look at you, you won’t even look at me…am I that bad…?”
Her words caused him to turn his head, revealing the red eyes he had been hiding. “I’m sorry Maria…I just…I-“ He broke off, closing his eyes in an attempt to keep from crying in front of her.
“It’s okay to hurt you know…” She told him softly. “It’s okay to cry girlfriend…” She offered him a weak smile as she reached for his hand. “I miss her too, we all do…but you have to see that she wouldn’t want you to give up because of her… She loved life, she loved you, and she would want you to be happy again…”
Max looked at her, shaking his head at this last. “How can I be happy again Maria…? She was my soul mate – I loved her…”
“I know…”
“Sometimes you know, I dream about this all having been one big mistake, or a nightmare…I think that I’m going to wake up, and it’s all going to be how it was before…” He admitted softly. He never spoke about this, not to his sister, nor to the other boys, but his friendship with Maria was special in a way he couldn’t explain…
The young woman in front of him nodded understandingly. “I know; I do too…” She told him. “I dream of Alex too, and my mom…” She saw him look up and held up a hand. “I know she’s not dead Max, but I likely won’t ever see her again, and I miss her…I do…”
Max sighed. He knew that she had given up so much, they all had… “Maybe you shouldn’t have come with us Maria…I mean you didn’t have to, you could have had a-“
“A what? A normal life…without you guys, without Michael…?” Maria gave a wry smile. “It wouldn’t have been what I wanted…not really…” She sighed and shook her head, dropping down onto her front and resting her head against the mattress. “I might sound as though I’m complaining sometimes, but really it’s just talk… None of us would change what we did you know Max… Liz, Alex, me, even Kyle I think… We made a decision, each and every one of us, and we wouldn’t have changed that…” Struggling over the last bit as she mentioned Alex, she trailed off, breathing heavily and taking a moment to collect herself before continuing. “Liz loved you, and nothing will change that, not ever… You can’t give up though, you owe her more than that… She deserves to know you are trying to live your life, not just sitting around and waiting for it to end…”
Max was silent for now, making no response, and Maria took that as an indication to continue. “Talk to us Max, cry with us…grieve with us…but most importantly live with us…” She sat up again, having said her piece. “I’m always here if you want to talk you know…just…think about it…okay…?” She offered him another smile as she got up off the bed and left him alone once more.
**********
“Live with us…”
Max sat there for a long time as Maria’s words ran through his mind.
“Live with us…”
He looked down at the strip of pictures he held in his hand. It was one of those strips from the instant picture machines… They had been taken last Christmas, in a small kiosk they had found at the service station they had stopped at… $8.99 ‘all you can eat’ turkey dinner complete with cracker and Christmas pudding – that had been their Christmas meal… They had been travelling most of the day, judging that picking up work at short notice around Christmas could be difficult, and deciding it was best to keep moving.
Presents were supposed to be minimal to non-existent, but more than one of them had broken that at least partially… He had bought his wife a new diary, knowing that she missed writing - it was soft rich leather, brown with a golden coloured lock. It hadn’t been cheap, but it was worth it to see the look on her face. So happy…
Despite everything, they had been happy… Even considering the unusual circumstances and the way it had been spent, it had been a good day and they had enjoyed themselves… While driving, there had been a multitude of driving games played, and Isabel had ensured they were well stocked up with festive treats like mince pies and Christmas cake.
It hadn’t exactly been a romantic way to spend their first Christmas as a married couple, but they had been surrounded by their friends, and that had made it special in itself…
When they had stopped at the service station, after eating, Max had stolen Liz away for a few minutes though, saying there was something that he had to do…
“Max, where are we going…what do you mean there’s something you have to do…?” Liz pressed her husband as he led her away from the dinning area.
“Ah, it wouldn’t be a surprise then… You’ll see when we get there…” He responded, dipping his head to capture her lips in his before taking her hand again, leading her down one of the small turn offs.
Most of the shops were closed of course, it already being late in the evening, and some shops having never opened that day.
Max had seen what he wanted on the way in though, and he knew exactly where he was going. “Not much further…” He assured his wife, stopping at the next corner. Reaching behind him, he brought her round in front of him now.
Liz looked around, unable to see what had been so important. “What…?”
Her husband gave a small smile. “Well…I figure that we really should have some pictures of our first Christmas together, and since one of our group so kindly left the camera at the last stop, I figure this is better than nothing…” He led her towards the small booth.
“It’s not on though…” Liz pointed out softly, smiling all the while at the sweet idea anyway.
“It will be soon…” Max pressed looked around, checking there was no one in sight before pressing his hand to the machine and making it light up. He produced some coins from his pocket, and then motioned to his wife as he held the curtain back. “After you…”
Thos pictures spoke of so much hope and expectation. When they were waiting for them to be developed, they had promised to make sure they got a least one every year – thinking that there would be many more Christmases together…
There hadn’t been though had there…? Max sighed. Sometimes he felt like just giving up completely, but as Maria had so rightly said – ‘she’ wouldn’t want that…
“It’s okay to cry…I miss her too…”
Rolling onto his back, he continued to lie on the bed, looking up at the ceiling as silent tears crept down his cheeks. It was Christmas next week…it would be his first Christmas alone…
**********
Max,
I still miss you so much it hurts… I know that it had to be this way, there was no other choice, but it doesn’t make it any easier… I listen to Emily crying out for you, and I feel as though my heart is breaking as I know I have to tell her you’re gone…
It’s Christmas day on Tuesday you know… Christmas day 2003… It’ll be Emily’s third Christmas, and it’ll be the first without you…
It wasn’t supposed to be like this! We were supposed to be a real family by now! We were supposed to be married, living together… Emily was supposed to have Mommy and Daddy right there, just as we dreamt of when she was younger… Just like when you told me you wanted to be there for so much more, but we both knew it wasn’t possible…
We had so many dreams, and I know they’re never going to come true… I promise you I’m going to do my best to bring up Emily well, to be the best mom I can, even without you… It won’t be the same of course, but at least I’ll have the memories we made together to look back on…
Like the day we realised how we felt about one another, our first date, our first kiss…
Or like Emily’s first Christmas, when I was dressing the tree and you turned up… Mom had invited you, and for a little while, everything seemed perfect…
Things were different, but they had to be… Our lives had changed… I remember thinking that when mom held out the angel to me, and I refused it… I’d always put it on the top of tree since I was born because I was the youngest, and that wasn’t true anymore…
I told my parents that it wasn’t my job anymore, saying, by doing so, that I knew things had changed…
I had a daughter now, a child of my own…I had to grow up…
I think that day was a real turning point… In some ways it was the end of an era, but it was the beginning of something else, and I remember seeing something which made me feel so happy…
I remember seeing dad looking at me, and seeing, despite everything, a look of pride on his face… He hadn’t said anything nasty since Emily was born of course, but I had known from the way he looked when he watched me with her that he wasn’t happy… I’m not going to say he was pleased I’d had her even then, but for the first time in a long while, I felt as though he was still proud of me in a way… Things might not have turned out as he would have liked, I might not have been following his plan, but I was his daughter, he loved me, and he was proud of the way I was coping…
That, and seeing you, were the two things which made that day for me… It was so special…
Christmas day that year is another which holds some wonderful memories for me…
I remember that you came back on Christmas Eve on an invitation from my mom after you surprised us all by turning up at the service… The plan had been that you’d go home that night, and come back again the next morning, but my dad stepped in, making an offer which seemed incredible…
He asked you if you wanted to stay over, in order that you were there in the morning when Emily and I woke, and of course you agreed…
It was quite something to wake up with you there like that… Not in bed of course, that would come in later years – or so I had thought… But seriously, waking up to find you there was something which felt right in a way I can’t really explain though… It was as though I was home…
You gave me my locket on the eve of the last day of that year – something I will always carry close to my heart containing that picture of the three of us…showing what we were…a family…
Setting down her pen for a moment, Liz reached up to touch the spot where, under her top, that locket still rested… She sat there like that for a moment, still and silent, and then, taking a deep breath, she picked up her pen and began to write again.
Unless it was it was to clean it, I haven’t taken it off since the day you gave it… I think in some ways I used to look on it a little like something we both knew you weren’t allowed to give – a promise ring… I understand why my parents told us not to make that commitment, I do…and we both agreed to abide by what they said…believing that we would have many more years ahead…but when I’m sat here alone like this, knowing we didn’t have the time we thought I still wish that we had been allowed the few years we would have had…
Regardless of that though, I would never regret a moment I spent with you… I don’t think I would have got through the last few years without you… I love you Max, I always will… You’re the father of my child, my first and only love, and there’ll never be another you…
Yours Always
Liz
As she signed her name, a wet, salty drop fell onto the page from her cheek, smudging the ink. Liz sniffed, reaching up and wiping away more tears with the back of her hand. How she missed him…
She had thought by writing this letter to Max that maybe it would help a little, to be able to get some of the things she was thinking onto paper…
If she was honest, it did help too, to be reminded of the good times they had… How she wished the future held the promise of more times together though…how she wished she could see him again, for however short a time…
Trailing her hand along the surface of the paper for a moment, she closed her eyes, bringing it to her lips and kissing it, allowing herself to imagine for a moment, that she was kissing the man she loved. Remembering what it had been like to be held by him, what it had been like to be kissed and loved…
Swallowing, she bit her lip, silent tears running down her cheeks as she deliberately began to fold the paper over and over before tearing it into little pieces to make sure it would never be read again.
Looking down, she watched her daughter for a moment as she continued to sleep peacefully. She was so beautiful… Liz smiled, leaning over to kiss the top of her head and smoothing her hair before standing up. She dumped the shreds of her note into the bin, and left the room, stopping at the doorway, her hand hovering over the handle, to look back again.
“Beth?”
As she heard Serina call from the other room, the young brunette took a breath, wiping her eyes and waving a hand over her face quickly before turning the handle of the door and stepping out into the main lounge area. “Are you needing me for something?” She asked brightly.