Author: Assilem_1 a.k.a. Melissa
Disclaimer: I own nothing. All characters are borrowed.
Category: AU CC Liz’s POV
Rating: TEEN (At least for now)
Archiving: Roswell Fanatics, The Boardello, Fanfiction.net and my site, all others please ask . . .
Disposition: Dreamer through and through (<-hint )
Feedback: Yes, please
Summary: The last discernible episode of the show in this fic is Heart of Mine, but no Hybrid Chronicles, so Sheriff Valenti still has his job. It takes place after Alex dies, but in a twist of fate Max also dies. Of course the circumstances are way different than in Cry Your Name (Dreamer insurance offered for those who need it.)
A/N: Ok, I'm officially ready to wrap up this story. All parts have been written and are simply waiting for posting. I'm thinking, one post per day, maybe? Now I apologize in advance to any new readers because this is a long one folks. It takes you over the river and through the woods, but I think it's a pretty decent ride. At the very least it'll be a finished story. Points for that if nothing else, right? . . . . . .
For those of you who have been following this story, new part can be found here with a refresher and everything:
Forgive me father, for I have sinned...
Otherwise, here's the repost:
Chapter 1: Angel
Chapter 2: Trying to find my way
Chapter 3: Darkest hours
Chapter 4: Everything’s not alright
Chapter 5: Save Me
Chapter 6: Grief Girl
Chapter 7: Light at the end
Chapter 8: Hope?
Chapter 9: Feel like letting go
Chapter 10: Where the heart is
Chapter 11: What once went wrong
Chapter 12: I shall believe
Chapter 13: Reinforcements
Chapter 14: Everything
Chapter 15: Are you scared?
Chapter 16: Make it go away
Chapter 17: Divided We Fall
Chapter 18: Just a little Heartache
Chapter 19: All the king’s horses
Interlude I: Nerves
Interlude II: I’ll be
Interlude III: The Intervention
Interlude IV: Pandora
Chapter 20: In the air tonight
Chapter 21: You can run...
Chapter 22: A mind is a terrible thing
Interlude V: The Villain of this Piece
Interlude VI: Service and Repair
Chapter 23: Rest for the Weary
Chapter 24: How do you breathe?
Chapter 25: I will remember you
Chapter 26: No Fate
Epilogue: End of the world (as we know it)
Chapter 1: Angel
Journal Entry 31 – July 13th 2002
So, so much has happened since that fateful day on the ledge. At the time I felt it was an ending. But now I see I had only just begun.
So, how did I get here?
The answer seems to be a very long one, but, instead of starting at the beginning, since I’ve already done that in the beginning of this journal, I thought I’d start at the end. Or what I thought was the end.
And I can still remember it all so clearly . . .
I stood there, with the wind blowing past me, the darkness surrounding me and I could just imagine the ground rushing up to meet me as I stood on that ledge. And you know what I felt?
Yes, I, Elizabeth Claudia Parker, was contemplating suicide and the thought actually made sense. The funny thing was, with all that had happened, I somehow figured my big exit from this life would be just that. Big. Not that I imagined myself going out with guns blazing or anything crazy like that, I just thought it’d be major. Especially to me. But right then, my death just seemed like a minor thing.
So why am I writing all this down now?
Well, for one thing, tomorrow is the day I stood on that ledge.
Yes, I know, that makes no sense, but it’s no less true.
No one remembers any of this . . . Not Max and Alex dying, not the pain that followed, not even me trying to commit suicide.
But that’s ok.
It’s a burden I will happily shoulder alone if it means it’s all undone.
But back then, I’d stopped writing things down, stopped keeping track, stopped talking altogether. No one could hear me anyway, so it just became easier to stay quiet and see if anyone noticed. And you know what?
Although, really I can’t blame them for that because there was so much grief going around back then, there was hardly room for much else.
But now I realize that in order to make sense of where I am now, I have to deal with where I was then. That dark place that I was buried in. Inside myself. And yes, I know some people will consider what I was about to do a cop-out. But they don’t know how it felt. How the pain felt. How it took over so much so that there was nothing left of me. How I couldn’t sleep without reliving that terrible day. Couldn’t eat anything and successfully keep it down. Couldn’t think without the memories rushing in.
Oh yes, I remember what it was like. Remember the pain better than I’d like to admit actually, since some of the issues are still with me.
So I retreated . . . from everyone . . . and everything. Losing Alex hurt, almost more than I could stand. But then to lose Max. It was like losing a part of myself. And I just didn’t know how to do it alone anymore. How to keep going day to day like part of me wasn’t missing. Like it was going to somehow magically be ok. Because it wasn’t ok. *I* wasn’t ok. And I felt like I’d never be ok again.
So I thought if I kept still and stayed quiet, maybe the pain would loosen it’s hold on me.
But the silence in my head was so deafening back then. And I’d open my mouth to scream only to discover I had no voice.
But how could I scream?
I wasn’t even there.
I wasn’t anywhere.
I had ceased to exist . . . without even noticing.
So death made sense to me after that.
Of course, I didn’t understand it at first. Why the people I love had to succumb to it. Why Max and Alex couldn’t be with me then.
I wailed and I fought and resisted the knowledge that they were gone, because I figured if I didn’t believe it, it wouldn’t be true. Yes, I know, ‘Faulty Liz logic’ Alex would call it, but he wasn’t there and that wasn’t the point. The point was that after that I understood . . . that it wasn’t technically suicide because I was already gone. I had died that day when they did. I just didn’t realize it at the time. I’d been walking around for weeks, an empty shell of myself. Just going through the motions, expecting that at some point something would happen to finally bring me back. But you know what?
Nothing ever did.
~ ~ ~
“Liz?” her father’s voice drifted out to her from the open window of her bedroom. “Dinner’s ready hon.”
“I’ll be there in a minute Dad” she responded as she closed her eyes for a moment. Then she reopened them, bookmarked her page, closed her journal and rose from her chair on the balcony. She wearily climbed back into her room and put her journal in it’s new hiding place under a loose floor board in the closet. She then went to join her parents for dinner.
When dinner was over, she excused herself and headed to her room. But she didn’t go back and retrieve her journal. Instead she found her mind traveling back to that fateful day and she relived it anew.
~ ~ ~ ~
~*Spend all your time waiting*~
~*For that second chance*~
Once again, the wind was blowing through her hair and she could see the ground below her so clearly . . .
~*For a break that would make it okay*~
She was still staring down at her soon-to-be destination . . . The place where only moments from now she would finally know the peace that she couldn’t seem to find anywhere else.
~*There's always some reason*~
~*To feel not good enough*~
Funny how it all seemed so complicated before and now it all seemed so simple.
~*And it's hard at the end of the day*~
She’d resisted for so long, trying to convince herself that there was a reason to go on. Deluded herself really because all along she knew . . . what she had to do. She’d always told him that without him she couldn’t imagine living. But she felt she owed it to him to try . . .
~*I need some distraction*~
And as her mind flooded with thoughts of Max, suddenly the once inviting ground blurred as her tears began to flow again . . .
~*Oh beautiful release*~
She was so tired of crying . . . of mourning for what could have been . . . what should have been . . .
~*The memories seep from my veins*~
If only she’d never changed things, she thought for probably the millionth time. But she couldn’t help it. Whenever she thought about how things turned out, it inevitably lead to how they were the first time around . . . Before Future Max came and asked her to give up the world . . . her world. Neither of them could have known that this would happen. Couldn’t have suspected that ending that fateful relationship would result in Max and Alex’s deaths.
'So what of the future now?' she wondered.
Fourteen years into the future seemed inconceivable considering how things were now. If being without Tess weakened them enough to lose, then being without Max meant that the battle would probably be over before it started.
So it was over for all of them now and everything she’d given up, everything she’d lost, was for nothing . . .
~*Let me be empty*~
It was all just too much she thought as her tears got the best of her and she began to sob. She crumbled to the ground then, as the weight of her grief crashed down around her. And yet she knew it would only get worse because every time she allowed herself to think of how bad things truly were, it lead to her remembering how it all came to be this way . . .
~*Oh and weightless and maybe*~
~*I'll find some peace tonight*~
‘Not this time’ she thought as she forced herself to stand. ‘I won’t relive that day again, I won’t!’ So she determinedly composed herself and pushed her grief down into the void it was used to occupying. And as her tears slowed she looked up, told Max she loved him for the final time in this life, and prepared to jump . . .
~*In the arms of the angels*~
And just as she began to take that first step off the building into nothingness, everything seemed to move in slow motion . . .
~*Far away from here*~
As one foot stepped off the ledge and she tipped forwards, the wind blew violently at her, unobstructed by the building and she could see the tear that had just slipped down her cheek fall away, disappearing from sight . . .
~*From this dark cold hotel room*~
She smiled, knowing that she would soon join it. There was no comfort or solace left for her here, only this . . .
~*And the endlessness that you fear*~
She pushed forward, thrusting away from the building, resolute and more sure in this decision than any other, and closed her eyes, prepared . . . But just as she left the ledge altogether, in a violent wrench strong arms grabbed her and pulled her back.
~*You are pulled from the wreckage*~
~*of your silent reverie*~
She gasped and then cried out as the person holding her backed up, dragging her with him. Away from what she considered her final peace of mind . . .
~*You’re in the arms of the angels*~
So she fought him, wild now with grief. She clawed at him even as she begged him to let her go. But still he held on until she crumbled, her fighting dissolved into heartwrenching sobs. It was only then that the stranger turned her and held her while she wept. After a few moments, she pulled away, tired, so tired, and looked up into familiar eyes.
~*May you find some comfort here *~
tbc . . .
Music and Lyrics from “Angel” by Sarah McLachlan