Author: Lizard_queen
Rating: Pft, i dont know. I dont really think it has a rating. TEEN maybe? How about TEEN/ADULT? Do one parters have to have ratings?
Couples: M/L i guess. But once again, one parter, not much can happen!
Summary: Liz's thought after EOTW
yes, another one of these type fics.<center>
</center>Disclaimer: The author of this fan fiction does not own any aspect of Roswell. Those rights belong to Melinda Metz, Jason Katims, WB, UPN, 20th Century Fox, etc. Disclaimer added by moderator.
A/N: I wasn't actually going to post this till Monday when i updated all my other fics, but i was bored and i wanted to. This is the result of listening to Street Spirit (Fade Out) by Radiohead on repeat for two entire days straight.
And yes, before you all choose to point it out I am well aware that this idea has been done to death and even revived quite a few times before. But I like to think that my interpretation of Liz’s feelings and thoughts after EOTW are unique in their own way. This is merely my idea of what Liz is going through after Future Max disappears, and I don’t mean to copy anyone else’s ideas or whatever. I just had some inspiration and this is what I came up with.
You may enjoy, you may not. I’m open to all sorts of criticism as long as its creative and well thought out. So anyway, without further ado…
<center>Fade Out</center>
I think I’m fading, my body disappearing into a world of nothingness.
It’s the only way for me to explain what I feel now. Nothingness. Like I don’t even exist anymore. Like the one thing that made me unique is gone. I’m no longer an individual with a secret that could ruin the lives of people I love if it ever got into the wrong hands. Instead I’m fading.
I’m dust.
I’m wind.
I’m dirt.
I’m nothingness.
They both left me, the present and the future now gone. I’m all alone with nothing but my memories to satisfy this cold ache. This feeling of emptiness… of nothingness.
It would seem ironic that the man who saved my life would also ruin it. It may have been unintended but I know that there is no way we can go back. There's no way that I can right the wrongs without hurting someone in the process. Death, destruction, hate, anger… all the things reaped by me being brought back to life, by Max Evans saving my life that fateful day last September.
He saved my life, unaware that in the process he was ruining his. The day that Max Evans saved my life he not only directed the authorities to Roswell, the people that would tear him apart piece by piece just to see how he worked, how he breathed oxygen and lived amongst humans, but also his past. He brought forth his destiny from the cold clutches of history, ordered to relive his dying days with his love, his fate.
Not me.
Not nothingness.
But something clouded that judgement, that clarity he would have had when his destiny arrived. If it weren’t for me, or the former me, we both would have been saved a lot of heartache. He wouldn’t have wasted time trying to prevent fulfilling his destiny and I wouldn’t be the shell of who I used to be, a broken heart and dangerous memories the only things left. Memories of before. Before I was broken. Before I was nothingness.
The only choice he had was to come back, to right the wrongs that I couldn’t and in the process save the world that I destroyed, breaking three hearts in the process. My heart, present Max’s heart and future Max’s heart. All of them crumbling into dust and fading away.
The way they both looked at me with disgust in their eyes, one with anger the other with pity. One with heartache the other with guilt. I just lay there, feeling my physical self, my former self being taken away, blown in the wind until I was nothingness.
Later, as I sat there with the future, staring off into the dark sky above as we waited. We waited for him to stop. To cease and desist.
To fall out of love with me.
The idea causing my heart to literally stop beating knowing that at any minute my worst fear would be a reality. Max would have fallen out of love with me all because of some stupid set up.
The way his beautiful amber eyes welled up with tears at the sight before him is jarred in my memory forever. The look of defeat on his face and the realisation that it wasn’t all some nightmare, that what he was seeing wasn’t his over active imagination. That it was real.
I wanted to scream out to him. To run half naked out my window and to his retreating form. To make him see that I would never give myself to anyone but him. But I was numb. My entire body was frozen at the thought of hurting someone I cared so deeply about. The sick feeling creeping up and causing me to run to the bathroom, retching dry heaves into the porcelain bowl.
I feel like a monster. A murderer, a thief, a liar. I feel as though I’ve taken his entire world away from him and spat on it. And in some ways I have. But I also know that Max has a future ahead of him. A bright future with his destiny. A future that doesn’t involve me.
So we sat on my balcony and waited. Every second went by as if it were a week, the haunting sound of the clock ticking as the hand moved, echoing off every wall, every bump, every jarred surface and coming back thousands of decibels louder, stinging my ears, bleeding me dry.
And then he faded.
My soul left when he did. My reason for living vanished. He no longer loved me and it was proven as his future version disappeared, abstaining to exist with the future undecided. Max with his destiny and me withering all alone into nothingness.
I was fading.
The worst part is that I don’t even know what I gave up. How can I prevent the future from re-occurring if I don’t know what to look for? The only memories I have are mine, no future version of me’s life with her soul mate. Instead I have pain, suffering, heartache… nothing. I don’t even have the luxury of recoiling into someone else’s memories to live the life that I lost, all because he asked me to.
I will never get to see my wedding day, to dance my wedding dance or say ‘I Do’ to the only man I will ever want to be with. The only man I will ever love. Regardless of alien status, Max Evans is the most human creature that I have ever met, and I ripped it all away from him with one false ideal. I ruined his hopes and dreams all because he asked me to.
The sad thing is that I would do it again. I would do it all over again because he asked me to. I would sacrifice everything I had, my entire future, my hopes and dreams for him.
Its like I told the future him. Max is the love of my life. Everyone else will always be second best. There will never be another Max Evans.
The one question running through my head now is was the feeling mutual? Am I the only one Max Evans will ever love in this life? Or will I fade into the background and be replaced by destiny and a past that I could never compete with no matter how hard I tried. He promised me forever, but how long will forever last before she makes him forget? Before she makes him forget all about me and remember everything that was and will be now that destiny can finally move. Now that it can be free without restrains or confines.
He would never believe me if I told him the truth. He may want to believe that nothing happened between Kyle and I that night, but even if I told him what he wanted to hear it wouldn’t matter. That trust is gone. Everything that we had ripped into shreds. He would never believe me. Instead he would tell me that I was lying. I’m lying if I tell him the truth and I’m lying if I don’t. Lines cross. Hope becomes reality and fiction becomes truth, catching every one and everything in its destructive web.
When will it all end? When will my life go back to normal, or as normal as it can be after the sudden dramatic turn it’s taken this past year and a half? When will I go back to sinking into the shadows with normal teenage problems and normal routine? When will I be able to let go of what could have been?
Will I ever be able to let go? I know that as long as I’m around Max the possibility of letting go is infinitesimal. Just like the possibility of him ever forgiving me for what I didn’t do but according to him I did. The eyes can be deceiving and sometimes you have to look beyond the surface. But it’s hard to analyse something when you’re broken in two.
The option I’m left with is rather gruesome, destructive and surely to drive me insane but I’ll do it because I have to. I have no choice. I have to watch the love of my life follow his destiny whilst I sit off all alone on the sidelines. I want Max to be happy. I need him to be happy and I know that Tess can do that. She can give him everything he’s ever wanted and more. She’s Max’s true soul mate and I was just the stand in, the thing that kept him occupied while he waited for her.
I have to go on. I have to pretend that I’m alright inside. That I’m not broken.
That I haven’t faded.
That I’m not nothingness.
I have to put up my walls, forced to continue living this façade that I’m stuck with so as to not let anyone in on my secret. They can’t know what I did… or rather didn’t do. Maria, Alex, Max… especially Max. If he ever found out my entire world would crumble. All of this pain would have been for nothing. In the end it was for nothing anyway. What benefits do I get from changing the future so I live a miserable life alone whilst Max is off screwing his destiny?
I may be able to save the world from ending but I can’t receive the praise for doing it. It had to be selfless, and it was. I didn’t do it for me or for the world. I did it for him. The love of my life.
My soul mate.
So now I continue with this life, and the next life, and the life after that, always knowing what I could never have. Knowing that I gave it all up because he asked me to.
Whoever thought that an alien boy falling in love with a human girl was like a fairytale was wrong.
It was dust.
It was dirt.
It was wind.
It was like nothingness.
Ki-ki 