Alone in the Crowd
Rating:TEEN
Disclaimer: Roswell belongs to first to Melinda Metz, then to Jason Katims and 20th Century Fox. I’m just borrowing them.
Author’s Note: This is the sixth story in my POV series, and it focuses on Isabel. Thanks to TrueLovePooh for the banner
Nobody knew. Nobody could see beyond what I let them see. But then again, nobody ever tried, either. Nobody knew who I was behind the façade I wore, not even Max or Michael, and they were the two people who knew everything about me, or thought they did. But they didn’t have any clue about the real me. Sure, I walked the walk, and talked the talk, but it was all an act.
There I stood, surrounded by the beautiful people of West Roswell High. I was one of them. At the risk of sounding conceited, I was probably the most beautiful of the beautiful people. When I walked down the halls, people called out to me, begging me to notice them. A word from me could fill their lives with excitement. They revered me; they wanted to be me.
The part of me I kept locked away used to laugh at that. If only they could see inside to the real me, they’d know that I’m no different than them in a lot of ways. I think a lot of the so-called beautiful people are like that. They have this persona they project for the masses to see, but inside, there is a piece of them that is a seething mass of insecurity.
I wish that were my problem. I wish it was just insecurity I was hiding from the world. Insecurity I could deal with, but I was hiding a secret. A secret, which if revealed, could get me killed. And it was that secret that kept me alone. Even when crowds of people surrounded me, I was alone.
God, how I wanted to share my secret with someone. Let them into my private world to see what was happening. But I couldn’t. Max, Michael and I had made a deal. Tell no one.
Max. That’s funny. Max was the one who changed everything for all of us. The day he saved Liz, he changed our lives forever. He broke our sacred pact that day, and he didn’t care. He didn’t care that it effected us, he didn’t care that it changed everything. My life began spiraling out of control the day he healed her, and it hasn’t been the same since.
Letting Liz in changed our lives, but then, Liz let Maria in, and our lives changed even more. Liz I knew we could trust. She understood what was at stake. Maria was a loose cannon though. She was an unknown entity to me – to us.
I learned something about Maria in those early days. She wasn’t that different from me. She had hopes and dreams, just like me, and like me, she was afraid of a lot of things. But I couldn’t get close to her, I tried, but I just didn’t feel comfortable confiding my innermost thoughts and fears to her. Besides, Maria and Michael had that whole love hate thing going on, and there was no place for me there. And Liz, forget Liz, she was too wrapped up on my brother to even give me a second though.
Then Alex joined our small group, and again, I was afraid. What was happening to us? We broke our cardinal rule, not once or twice, but three times, and still I was alone. Maybe it was my own fault, I was so used to not letting people in that I wasn’t able to take a chance. Or maybe, I just didn’t want to give up the one thing I could control in my life – my reserve.
Alex finally broke through the icy façade I wore around me like a protective shield. Alex intrigued me; he was everything the people in my crowd weren’t. Alex was smart, and funny, and he was cute. He wasn’t what you would call classically handsome, and his sense of humor was quirky to say the least. But it was these things that drew me closer to him.
Alex saw through to shell to the inner me, the real me, and he wasn’t afraid of what he saw. I still don’t understand that. I’m afraid of who I am; what I am, why isn’t he? I suppose that is part of the mystery of Alex; he doesn’t care about things that upset the ordinary person. He doesn’t care if somebody is different; he cares if they’re a good person. I never thought of myself as a good person but that’s how Alex sees me.
I was so lonely, and I never even really knew it. I was so used to keeping people away from the real me, that I even kept myself away. I started to become that shallow, self absorbed, effected person I pretended to be.
As I said, Alex did break down my outer shell, but it did take him some time to accomplish it. I had become a pro at not letting people get close to me, and in pushing them away. But Alex, unlike so many others who tried, cared enough to push back, and keep pushing and pushing until I finally let him in. It wasn’t easy; in fact, it was down right terrifying. I, Isabel Amanda Evans finally let someone see the real me.
Alex and I started out slow. We were friends first, though I’m sure he wanted it to be more. I wanted it to be more, but I was afraid. Letting someone into my life was hard. Letting them into my heart was harder. Actually, it was terrifying. I thought letting then know our secret gave them power over us. The real power came when I gave Alex my love.
The closer I got to Alex, and in time, Liz and Maria, the further I pulled away from the in crowd – the beautiful people. In time, another one of the in crowd would pull away and join our inner circle, but that’s another story, for another time. For now, it was just Max, Liz, Michael, Maria, Alex and myself. I wasn’t alone in the crowd any longer.