Bleeding to Feel - UC Mi/L MATURE - 2/2 [COMPLETE]

[burningchaos]

Bleeding to Feel
By burningchaos
Burningchaos@aol.com
Set after Departure, but Michael never slept with Maria, in fact they never even got together. Michael stayed for different reasons, everyone else left, but before they found out about Tess.
Polar stories
Rated MATURE, it deals with cutting.
I own nothing.

Last month Michael started acting stranger than normal, quieter, more withdrawn, and he started wearing long sleeves to work. Now I know why, I saw them, I saw the angry red cuts on his arms, and I saw what he has been trying to hide. I don’t know what to say or do. I, Liz Parker, am at a total loss on how to help this person who has come to mean so much to me.
After they all left and we found out about Tess, that’s when it began. At least that is when He started to mean so much to me, Maria left for NYC so soon after everyone else did. We were all that was left, we only had each other. So of course we would grow closer, become friends, but after what I saw I wonder how close we really are? We found out about Alex together, he held me while I cried, why won’t he talk to me, why is he hurting himself? Hasn’t he had enough pain? Liz looked up from her journal, trying to think of what else to say. To try and think out a way to approach Michael with what she knew, but came up blank. Liz got up from her chair and noticed how late it was, it was after 11. Michael should be almost done working, she knew she had to talk to him and it had to be tonight.

Michael pulled at his sleeves; they were getting in the way but had become a necessary evil. He never thought that he would feel this way. That he would resort to hurting himself. He always thought he was stronger than that, especially after Hank. Apparently he was wrong, every night it beckoned to him like a lover, this new way to control the pain. Liz knew now of that he was sure, he saw her face go white when his sleeve rode up. He should have been more careful, it was Liz after all, and she noticed things. Michael hurried with the clean up tonight; he didn’t want to talk to Liz, which was a first. She had become his center, he everything, he felt like he could understand Max now. She worked her way so deep inside him that he needed her, loved her, and it was killing him. The pain over that and being responsible for Alex’s death it was so much more then he could put into words. It was a heavy burden that he carried, it tore at him, it ripped at him and he knew that he was unworthy of his feelings for Liz because of all these things inside. Thanking the Gods he was finished. He was racing out the door when he saw her sitting on the break room couch waiting, ready to pounce on him.

They stared at each other, the silence surrounded them, and they were both afraid to speak. Liz knew Michael was trying to escape, that he didn’t want to do this. It was so clearly written on his face, but she was not about to back down. He was he friend and she loved him, she had to make him stop.
“Can you sit down, we need to talk?” Liz’s words sliced through the quite, breaking it, Michael jumped a little and nodded. He sat down next to her and was still silent. Liz wasn’t sure how to begin; this was new territory for her, being the stronger one, watching someone fall apart. She knew what needed to be said but not how, and she was terrified she would drive him further away, that she would completely lose him.
Michael sat nervously and waited for the bomb to drop, he knew he would have to watch his step, Liz always crumbled his walls, and they were paper thin right now. He knew that this would be hard to hear, that she felt betrayed by his actions and was waiting, just waiting within the silence that still reined.
Finally Liz spoke “Michael I saw your arm, and I know what those marks are, what they mean. I want to help you, you always have helped me. You were my rock, now let me be yours.” Her voice was filled with tender concern, yet was firm and final at the same time. It left no room for him to maneuver.
Michael thought out his words, he didn’t want to lose her, he needed her, but he felt so worthless and was such a failure.

“Liz, I don’t know what you want me to say.” His voice sounded broken and resigned.
“Tell me I can help, that I can make you stop, what you are feeling and why.” Her voice was so soft and earnest.
Michael stood up to pace, “I am just tired Liz, and well, I don’t know. It makes everything stop hurting. For a little while I feel alive, I feel in control again.”
Liz was stunned that he was opening up to her she hadn’t truly expected it. She expected Michael to do a song and dance about what was going on, not this.
“I love the release of pain, it takes away the emotions of the day, it lets me rest and think.” Michael continued on now almost as if he were talking to himself. He voice was more rapid now but it sounded so broken, when had he broken and why hadn’t she seen it? “Sometimes I can’t stop thinking about Alex, and how it is my fault, I should have protected him better. I should have known. It is my job to know and do these things.”
Liz felt the tears welling up behind her eyes as she went to comfort him, to show him she cared.
“Michael, Alex’s death wasn’t your fault, it was Tess’ and you now that. There was nothing you could do.”
“That’s the problem; there is never anything I can do. I let them leave with a murder Liz; they are alone without me to protect them from her!”
“They are fine and you know how strong Isabelle and Max are, they never trusted her to begin with. What else has you like this Michael there has to be more?”

Michael whirled to face Liz his look confused her, he suddenly seemed angry and she didn’t know why.
“You couldn’t handle the truth Liz, you can’t handle my world!”
“How would you know if you don’t let me in? I tell you it all, I shared everything with you and you are shutting me out, let me in, let me help you!”
Michael growled in frustration, he loved her strength, her courage but right now she was pissing him off. He knew before this night was over his secret would be out, that she would know and no longer want him around.
“Okay Liz I’ll tell you the truth, I’ll tell you all of it. Sometimes I hurt so much I want to die, cutting helps, I like the pain it creates, and it is only blood and flesh. It’s the kind of pain of that I can control, it is the other pain I can’t deal with.”
Liz was almost frightened by the look on Michael’s face it was barely controlled rage but he wasn’t yelling, why wasn’t he yelling, he should be yelling.
“I hate feeling, I need more then the pain that is constantly badgering me, I love you, but I shouldn’t, look at me I am worthless. I am unable to protect my family; and I have nothing to offer anyone.”
Liz’s heart was breaking; didn’t he know how wonderful he was? “Michael can I ask you a question?” she asked as she laid her hand on his arm.
Michael’s head hung low she couldn’t read his expression or eyes as he replied “Sure.”

“Would I love anyone who was worthless?”
Michael’s eyes snapped to hers, his registered shock, hers were filled with love. Love that washed over him in waves, love that was binding his wounded soul.
“You love me?” he was still shocked, he was hearing things, it was his imagination, and this wasn’t real.
“Yes Michael I love you.” Liz said it sincerely and simply as though he was a child.
He reached out to grab her, his hands felt like a vice grip on her arms “You aren’t lying?”
His insecurity hurt her, but then he was in so much pain. “Michael I LOVE YOU.”
As she said it again this time it truly reached him, and he let go of her arms only to wrap her in his. He clung to her as if he were drowning; she was his hope, his guiding light, his healing.
“Liz I don’t know why or how but I love you too. I need you, I never thought I would need someone this way, but I need you.” He started to cry, soul wrenching, heartbreaking sobs.
Liz was pressed against his chest, and she whispered up to him “We will get through this, it will be okay. I’ll never leave you.”
Michael was surrounded by Liz’s love and he knew that she spoke the truth, with her he would make it.

[burningchaos]

Bleeding to Feel
By burningchaos
Burningchaos@aol.com
Set after Departure, but Michael never slept with Maria, in fact they never even got together. Michael stayed for different reasons, everyone else left, but before they found out about Tess.
Polar stories
Rated R, it deals with cutting.
I own nothing.

Liz’s love makes all the difference, she understands my pain, my longing, and she understands me. I haven’t cut in over a week now that is a first. For awhile I was cutting every night, it helped erase the pain of the day, the sense of guilt. Liz just wraps here arms around me and I feel, I feel real, I feel love and I feel like I can make it. She has given me back my strength, although I am still not sure how I lost it. I won’t sat the desire is not still there, I fight it everyday, sometimes it is so hard to explain how I feel, and the cutting would be easier, I was taking the easy way out. No more though, it is sometimes embarrassing to tell Liz what I am feeling. I am still not used to sharing, but she tries to make it easy. She is the light that guides my way, my strength, she is my everything. Michael was thinking all these things on his way to Liz’s house; they were going to have a movie night. He couldn’t wait to see her and just breathe. She made him relax and he felt calmer with her.

Liz was still worried about Michael, his cuts were healing, and he had stopped slicing himself open. He was opening up to her and baring his soul. She was just worried that she couldn’t do it alone, that she wouldn’t be enough to stop him for good. He was more wounded then anyone ever saw, as he tells her things the emotions are raw and primal. How had he ever made it so far well being so alone she would never know? She hated Max and Isabelle for not seeing Michael’s soul was so broken, if they were here she would have hurt them. They had always claimed they were Michael’s siblings, his friends but real family and friends wouldn’t have let him get away with closing himself off like he was. Like he had been until she confronted him. Real family would have done more for him; they were with him for over ten years how could they have let him bleed like that. How could they have not noticed? Liz shut her journal, Michael would be here soon, and she hadn’t seen him all day. She hid her journal and went to the living room.

There was a knock on the door as she entered so she rushed to answer it, knowing that it was Michael. She opened the door and he enveloped her in a hug. He leaned down to place a less then chaste kiss on her lips, his tongue sliding into her mouth to caress hers as he buried his hands in her hair. Breaking apart he held her close and just reveled in her touch.

He sighed, looked into her eyes and said “Have I told you I love you today, cause I do and I couldn’t do this without you.” Liz smiled up at the man she loved so much, “Nope you haven’t told me today, but the kiss helped.” Michael smiled at her as she started to led him to the living room. They settled on the couch to talk about their day before they turned the movie on.
“I see you are wearing T-shirts again, I am so proud of you.” Liz wanted to make sure she always told him that, she wanted him to know that he was worthy of loving and being loved. Michael took her hand “I haven’t cut all week, so they are healing, but you know that. It is hard though, still I think about it a lot.

Liz was glad he was being so honest with her, that he was sharing it all; she knew that it wasn’t easy for him, and it made her love him more. She moved over to cuddle with him, she knew their fight was far from over, but they were starting to win.