I hope it makes sense...
No Regrets
Chapter 20
I shove my way through a crowd of laughter, voices and noise, and escape from the emptying lecture hall, thinking if there’s any module I’m going to fail its this Filariasis crap. In fact I’d be pretty darned lucky if I actually scraped a pass this year.
Its time to get your head down Liz girl. I mutter to myself. This time mere good luck and brain potion from Maria won't be successful, no matter how much Maria ‘swears’ by it.
I half squat on the bench, balancing my strap bag on my knees, fastening it closed and giving myself a mental pep talk about clearing cobwebs and getting down to study. Which, I’m sure puts the stamp on my ‘weirdo’ status, as people half pretend not to stare as they, walk past me. But I’m past caring. This is desperation, and desperation calls for drastic measures…or something like that.
I’ve told myself that I’m going to go the library right now and study my ass off, when a huge arm, rams itself around my neck and drags me through the corridor.
“Oh, hey Colin,” I say, shrugging his arm away me, as he unmercilessly pulls at my poor neck, “You alright? I smile uncomfortably.
“Great. This Modules a piece of cake don’t you think? Gunna breeze through it this year.”
“Um…” I say rubbing my neck and trying to hide my ‘oh, crap’ face.
When Colin finds something easy, then I KNOW I’m in deep shit.
To my advantage, Colin isn't exactly the most perceptive guy, so he doesn't notice. I tap my foot impatiently, as he takes his time checking out a few blondes that walk past, when he’s done, he finally turns back to me. “Its my birthday. Bar crawl through town, and then going to club Lumini, where its school night.” he gives my chin a playful punch, “Be there or be square.”
“I was actually planning to study this week.” Then a moment later, realise how lame that must sound.
“Is that a brush off Liz?” he laughs, leaning against the ledge, primping his huge muscles, “You have the whole week to study, give it a miss on Friday. You my dear, have to be there” He smiles, but suddenly it sounds more like a threat, then an invitation, and I’m agreeing despite myself, as well as being hit with the realisation, why no one ever misses a Detroit party.
“Okaaaay, then!” He holds up his hand and I stare blankly before giving him a high five, for which, I have to jump slightly because he’s so huge.
He turns to walk off but then stops and turns back around, “ Brads coming back Friday? I bet you can’t wait.”
“Yeah.” I say, distractedly. Distracted because I’ve just noticed Maria walking right toward me, Colin tells me how he’s looking forward to meeting his buddy, and lists off a few directions to where everyone’s meeting up. He veers off to the right, as Maria approaches from my left. My instant reaction is to follow Colin. And just like I’ve been doing for the last two days, avoid bumping into her before she catches me, and the dreaded inquisition begins.
I’m just turning, when a tall guy shoves past her roughly, and all her books and pens fall from her bag and scatter all the way across the corridor.
I stand. In between turning to my right and looking at Maria as she pulls a frustrated face, and begins picking up all her stuff.
Loyalty wins, as I pick up a few of her pens on the way. I mean what kind of friend would I be if I just left her like this?
“Hey.”
“Hey.” She says dully, vaguely looking at me, as she grabs her stationary from my hands. Then double takes as she realises who I am. “Oh! Hey!” She says, more enthusiastically, realising I’m not just some bystander, who's kindly decided to give her a helping hand. She turns to pick up a few scraps of paper lying by her feet. “So, Where have you been for the last two days?”
I squat down beside her. “I’ve been here. You know. Here and there.”
“Right. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’d been avoiding me.” She stands up.
“Me?…Why would I...?” I say innocently, looking up at her.
But before Maria can move from scathing looks, to sordid lecture, all her stuff falls out again through her bag, which is now supporting a massive hole.
“Oh, Why! Damn-it.” She curses, kneeling back down. “ Is anything going to go right today?” her lips are tight and she looks tired. She begins throwing her things right through the hole in the bag.
“You okay?”
“Fine.” She says hardily, shoving a few pens into her bag, which fall back to the floor with a clang.
“Perhaps you shouldn’t do that.” I pick them up from the floor, “They’re dropping back through.”
Maria notices the hole for the first time. “No way. This is a freaking cheek, first those damned flip flops and now this. Shit.” she mutters a myriad of curses under her breath.
I peer at her concernedly. Something tells me its not just flip flops and her bag that’s put her in such a vile mood, in fact, I have a pretty good idea what it is. But I ask, “What is it?”
“Its nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“Nothing. Nothing at all… Nope… Its Michael.”
“What? Really?” I ask, feigning surprise.
“The guy is just so impossible, but you know what Liz? You know what? I’m not going to give him the satisfaction by raving about him. I just won’t do it.” She stands up straight.
There’s silence as I grab all the excess left on the floor, and follow her.
“Two years. Does two years mean anything to you?” she points a handful of stationary at me, but goes on, before I can think of a viable response to her question. “We’ve been seeing each other for two years, and I cant even talk to the guy. I mean all I asked him, was if he had any idea where we were going with our relationship. Is that a plausible question? “ I open my mouth to answer, but she doesn’t seem to notice. “Yes. it is. And do you know what he said?” I don’t answer, expecting her to go on. But there’s a long silence whilst she looks at me questioningly.
“What?” I ask quickly.
“That he was busy. And he made it all so trivial. He made me seem so trivial. And busy?…pah. Do you know what he was doing?... He was on his play station.” She pauses dramatically, so I guess this is where I step in and tell her that Michael isn’t all that bad.
“Ma—“
“Don’t make excuses Liz.” She cuts me off, “No. This is it. Final straw. Michael and I are a over. I don’t need him, and I am not going to be a replica of my parents marriage. No I am not. " she tosses her hair, "I can date.”
Uh...
“Yes, you can?” I say weakly, not really knowing where she's going with this. Or as usual, whether I'm meant to support Michael’s wrong doings and tell her things will be okay, or curse him as vilely as she is. So as usual, I decide to sit on the fence.
“It doesn’t matter that I haven’t been on one for three years. I can take my pick. Like, him for example.” Maria points at a curly haired, lanky guy, whose nose is buried in, ‘The finance of life’ as he stumbles through the crowded corridor.
“What? Stuart Riddle?”
“Ok maybe not him, but--“
“You pointed at him.”
“Yes but, he was just there okay?” she sighs, “ how do you do it Liz?”
“...Do what?” I ask her carefully.
“Everyone adores you.”
I want to half laugh at her statement, in fact its probably the funniest thing I’ve heard all week. “I wish Maria.”
“Oh come on. Brad. Max. Do you know Stitch would actually stick posters of you up on her wall if they made them.”
“What? No, that’s really not…”
“Speaking of which,” a light goes off in her eyes.
Ut oh here it is…. But I beat her to it. “I wanted to speak to you about that.” I say quickly.
“You did? From all the avoiding you’ve been doing I thought you didn’t. Silly me.”
“Listen. Just keep it quiet until Brad comes back you know. Its all a little, well, confusing.”
“Of course.”
“Okay.” I nod.
“Good.” she smiles widely.
I look at her, suspiciously. “You haven’t told anyone have you?”
“No!” she cries, then looks around suddenly, avoiding my gaze, “ No…Well, not really…just Stitch”
“Stitch knows?” I ask horrified. The girl must think I’m absolutely crazy, being with Max, after all the confusing details I drummed into her about how Max cheated on me and my absolute hate for him. “Stitch knows.” I repeat, making a mental note to tell her the real story as soon as I get the chance. At least for Max, if not for myself.
“And Kyle.”
“Maria!” I cry, stopping dead and throwing her an exasperated look.
Maria makes a pained expression, “Stitch was with me and she’d seen quite a bit before I could send her off to the other room, and well Kyle…I couldn’t find you for two days! What was I mwant to do Liz? I turned to Kyle for solace.”
“Turned to Kyle for solace! In other words you couldn’t keep it to yourself. Is there anyone who doesn’t know?”
“Just them two. I swear…listen I have to go. We’ll be talking about this…” she grabs her stuff from me and turns toward the lecture hall.
“Maria, wait!” I cry, hoping for some kind of tip off as to what Kyle’s reaction to this whole thing is, because even though not done purposely avoiding Maria, had consequently resulted in avoiding Kyle too and now that Kyle is all in the know. Theres no doubt that he would want some kind of explanation.
“Liz, I’m late already!”
“Maria hold--,” Greensleaves goes off in my bag shove my hand into it searching for my cell.
I roll my eyes Maria skips off, looking back to poke her tongue at me, before disappearing inside the lecture hall. I look down at the screen and stop dead.
Time seems to slow and people around me seem to fade into oblivion as I stare down at the screen and slowly bring to my ear.
“Hey Dad.”
*****
Scratching pens, the light tinkle of rain and smell of stale coffee, surround me as I sit on a table half hidden by a no longer used notice board that is covered with old fliers, in the nearly always, desolated cafeteria on the South side of campus.
You don’t find many here, unless its your average panicked third year student, cramming and wanting to be away from the usual mill. Chosen for seclusion and protection from prying eyes, Max and I have been meeting here for the last two days.
Strands of damp her falls over my eyes, as I concentrate on my bic, watching it roll over to the edge of the lopsided table and catching before it reaches the edge. It rolls, reaches the edge and I catch.
Roll. Catch. Roll. Catch.
I won’t let it fall over the edge. I won’t… But sometimes it comes close to going over.
So close.
Roll. Catch.
Its ritualistic, yet my eyes are screwed in concentration hard, so I don’t have to think about other things plaguing me, or the chilliness that clamps my insides in the warm cafeteria.
My stomach grumbles in anticipation.
Roll. Catch.
As I lift my eyes, the doors flung open, and Max struts through running his hand through his wet hair, and shaking himself off a little. There’s a small sift in attention as the few eyes around me focus on him.
His eyes travel around the near empty cafeteria and land on me, he smiles and my tummy does, a funny little somersault that I can’t control.
“Its like monsoon season out there.” He tells me as he leans forward to place a kiss on my lips.
Uncharacteristically, I turn my face, causing his damp lips to brush the side of my face, blushing as he gives me a noticeable look, but doesn’t make any more of it.
He walks over the drinks machine, to get my hot chocolate and his coffee, and is there a while because the rusty thing decides to play up. After kicking and shaking it he passes me a Styrofoam cup, of murky looking water and makes himself comfortable beside me.
“What’s that face for? Is it cause I’m late? You’re lucky I turned up.”
“Wow. that makes me feel so much better.”
“Seriously, Natalie’s so persistent, its actually beginning to get a little annoying. You know, kinda like a fly that won’t stop buzzing around you.”
I suppress a smile at his anology. “So why don’t you tell her something to get her off your back, or it couldn’t be that innocent Maxie pooh adores all that attention?”
“Well, besides that.” He says thoughtfully, “ I would have thought telling someone you're not interested would drill the message in."
"What did you say?”
" I said. 'I am not interested'."
“Perhaps you should try a different tactic.”
“Really? Like what?” he asks, the steam from his coffee, masking his face,
“I don’t know. Something to keep her away. Like say you're gay.”
He stares at me openly, before snorting loudly. “I’m gay? She’d have to be totally, blind, deaf and dumb to believe that.”
“Anything can be done.” I say stoutly taking a sip of hot chocolate, the warmth flows through my throat, though the chilliness continues to reside, “”If you want it hard enough.”
“Well excuse me for not wanting the whole campus to think I’m homosexual when clearly I’m not.” He says callously.
I roll my eyes and throw a napkin at him across the table, he picks up the napkin and fists in ball and throws it back at me, I duck sideways just in time, to see it bounce on the table of a studying blonde behind us. Max waves politely and mouths a sorry, before pointing out me as the culprit.
“Ass.” I hiss.
“You need to get a grip on that jealous rage of yours.” He teases.
I snort. “Jealousy and me? Why would I be jealous of someone as dumb as her.”
“Dumb.”
“Yes. She’d have to be dumb to persist with you.”
“Ouch.” He tilts his head, catlike eyes surveying me, “So you’d say that for all my women?”
I try to fist him, but he grabs my hand and our fingers entwine. The cold inside me, lessens slightly.
I move a little closer, even though damp from the weather outside, his bodies warm, his thighs sending little tingles of heat into mine. I watch as he surveys our entwined hand, like surveying a Monet piece. Mussed hair, drying naturally after the rain, glistening green eyes, shining with mischievousness and charm, he licks his mouth and looks up at me, I drop my gaze to the table.
I hate being caught like that.
“I don’t know how long I can do this.” He says gently bringing my palm to his mouth.
“What?” I ask breathily.
“Sneak around. Not touch you. Kiss you.”
I feel exactly the same way, but say, “You horn dog. That much sex should have keep you sated for a few weeks at least!”
He’s looking at me penetratingly, “Are you?”
“Am I what?” I ask, tracing the rim of my cup with my free hand.
“Sated?”
I wonder which meaning he’s implying. Sated sexually, or sated with what we have, right now.
I shrug. “I guess not…but… we have to wait for Brad and…”
Guilt knaws at my insides as I try to explain. Brad. He didn’t deserve this. My mind keeps yelling, Cheat. Liar. Traitor, even though I know, I couldn’t have stopped myself two days ago. No matter what.
“I know.” He says lightly. “I know.” And there’s guilt written over his own features too.
****
Its late. Much later then I anticipated, yet it seems that we've spent no time together at all.
The grass is wet and sludgy as we walk across Berkley Park, the breeze gentle in the night air. The moon casts faint shadows across the grass as Max uses enthusiastic hand gestures to explain, what happened in the ice hockey game, last night for like the 50th time.
Ok. So ice hockey is good. But excuse me for being a girl, because its not THAT good. Still though, I listen. Its not often you feel like you could listen to someone forever.
“So everyone thinks he’s coming from the left… after his counter defence attack right? But no, he swoops in from the right and he--why are you smiling?”
“No reason.” I smile broadly.
“Liz. You’re smiling. You.”
My eyes brows furrow together. “What that supposed to mean?”
“Absolutely nothing…though, I’m expecting to see a flying pig any moment now.”
“Max!” I jump forward to punch him, but he dodges out of the way. Then we ensue in a game of tag. I chase him around the park slipping and cursing the whole way, until we end up on the floor, in mud covered and grass stained clothes, panting and grabbing. Somehow, the tables have turned, and Max is now the pursuer. I dodge just in time, but he grabs my leg just I'm about to crawl away, Max wrestles me to the ground, not caring how mud soaked our clothes get when, something catches my eye.
“Hey. hey Max. Stop! Okay. I give in. Max!" I grab his face, because he doesn’t seem to be hearing me. "Do you remember that tree?”
He gives me a ‘huh?’ look and looks around the park. “There are a lot of trees here Liz…oh..." he's subdued when he speaks, "that was so long ago.”
“It was.” Our first kiss. Though I still remember the tentative feelings, the explosion, the uncertainty as if it were yesterday.
He looks at me. “You’ve changed so much.”
I glance back into those quizzical eyes and smile lightly. “People change.”
“There’s no way to go back, huh?”
I laugh. “Am I that bad?”
“No, its just…nothing.” he moves to get up.
“Max!” I grab his arm and pull him back beside me.
“Liz.” He retaliates in all seriousness.
“You can’t do that.”
He turns toward me, “ People do change with time. But, I feel like you’re holding back. Its like there’s so much in there," he points to my chest, " but your keeping it from me and I don’t know what I can do.” he pauses, “Is it the past? Is it Brad? ”
“Partly…” I gulp at his surveying look, he's giving me, “ And, the reason I’ve been feeling a little awkward is because dad called me today." I admit, " Out of the blue. I wasn’t expecting it.”
“And…?”
“He’s says he’s on a business trip and he’s coming past and…well, he wants to meet up.”
Max nods. “That’s not a good thing I take it?”
“No. Yes, it is. I don’t know. I don’t know if I want to. We haven’t met in so long.”
”So what’s the problem?”
“If I meet him…I guess I’ll have all these expectations and with it will come this yearning of what I can’t have…and maybe its just better this way….” I trail off and shrug, “I know I sound a little crazy…and you won’t get it.”
“I do.” He says quickly. “I do.” He watches me, and I flush under his gaze.
“Quit watching me like I’m some mental case will you?” I laugh, embarrassedly.
Max ignores my outburst, “And if you meet him and everything meets your expectations. I’m not saying that they will…” he goes on when I throw a disbelieving look, “What I’m saying is, you won't ever know how good things can be, unless you give it a go. Don’t let the past hold you back from what you really want.”
“I know Max. I just feel like something’s meant to go wrong. The same with you and I. Its too…” I look up at him, the moonlight setting off darkened pupils and edges to his face.
He traces the bow of my upper lip. “Perfect?”
I sigh.
“It can’t be…things just can’t be this right. They just can’t be… When I’m with you…I feel… “ I groan, giving up, I’m not good at this. Yet something in his eyes tell me he understands. I don’t have to say a thing and he’ll understand. “Something will go wrong. It will.” I say with absolute conviction.
“ It wont.” He says with not a sound of doubt in his voice.
“I--,”
“Trust me. It won’t” his hands rest over my lower back, and he pulls me against him, covered by the shelter of leafy tree, as droplets of rain, begin to sprinkle us.
“Promise?” I ask doubtfully.
“Promise." I can barely make out his full expression in the dark, yet my heart fills with something that I haven’t felt in quite a while. Hope. And it feels good. I feel like I’m finally breaking the barriers. Like I'm free. Like I could conquer the world.
He strokes my cheek, “As long as you try to believe again. As long as you're not so hard on yourself.”
I shrug, “Okay.”
“Promise?” he teases.
I roll my eyes, “With all my heart.”
“You sure you still have one?”
I find myself laughing too, and grasp his face, pulling him forward. “Come here.” I wrap my arms around him, as his fingers weave through my hair, and I kiss him, with all the openness, love and affection I can offer.
"Now that’s more like it." He mumbles against my mouth, and I smile as our kiss grows fiercer, one on one, with the deepening rain.
After everything that’s happened, things are starting to look up and even though a part of me is yelling that it’ll all go wrong, that I shouldn’t tread into a world of happiness, because like usual, it’ll crumble…somewhere inside me, a tiny small part, says, perhaps its about time…
Perhaps its about time I felt this way.
****
No Regrets (AU,M/L,ADULT) Pt 24 - 07/03/05 Complete
Moderators: Anniepoo98, Rowedog, ISLANDGIRL5, Itzstacie, truelovepooh, FSU/MSW-94, Erina, Hunter, Forum Moderators
No Regrets
Chapter 21
Happiness. I’m beginning to understand what it means.
Its not perfection. Far from it. Yet imperfection becomes dismissible. Flaws become bearable. Failings, are errs that all men make, yet you move on. The world becomes a kind of imperfect perfection, and once again it becomes beautiful.
I smile to myself, like one of those gooey, love struck couples, as I scrub down the counter at Agnes’. I can see my face in it, and namely, I look content.
“Liz what are you doing?” Courtney huffs from behind me, but her mother of all foul moods doesn’t effect me in the slightest. I continue tra-la-ing along, wiping the counter, and smiling to myself… all content and stuff.
My eyes lift and as on cue, they catch hazel ones, and my heart flip flops.
Sigh.
Sigh…
“Liz? Seriously”. Courtney grits. Dissatisfied with my non existent response, she pinches my arm.
Gah! “What?” I snap, breaking my trance. ”Can’t you see I’m busy...um... cleaning the counter?”
“Yeah and for the tenth time. Its probably clean…” she hisses.
“Whatever” I mutter under my breath. What crawled up her ass anyway?
“Espresso please?”
I twirl, and then stand gripping the counter, because I’ve made myself dizzy from turning so fast. Max raises a mocking brow at me. Courtney curses under her breath, and disappears.
I nod. “Hit 4 coming right up.” I slide the cup toward him, “Be careful or you’ll get addicted.”
His fingers reach around the hot cup, brushing softly against mine, his eyes flutter back up at me giving me a crooked smile, “I already am. So, how are you feeling? You’re meeting the legendary Parker today.”
“Yeah, I’m meeting Dad, at the Pizzeria. Straight after this shift. I’m pretty excited actually.”
‘Really?” He looks surprised.
“Yeah. I mean why shouldn’t I be? I’ve thought about it. Worried about it as much as I possibly can, and you’re right. What do I really have to lose? Maybe its time things started looking up.” I happily, folding the cloth in my hand and placing it on the extremely clean counter.
Max nods. “They are.”
I smile. This meeting is probably one of the hardest things I’ll probably have to do in my life. I mean, what do you say to a father who kinda dumped you for another family because you reminded him too much of your own mother?
But somehow I knew it was going to be okay. Perhaps with Max by my side it didn't seem so bad. But, I just knew it.
“Liz. Seriously.” Courtney hisses in my ear. “We.have.to.close.up.”
"Okay.Two.Sec.onds"
“What’s her deal?” Max asks as she storms off in a huff.
“I don’t know. I’ve never actually seen her agitated.”
“Beats me. Courtney is normally the queen of High Spirits”
“Dude, we gotta go.” Michael grabs Max’s shoulder. “I need to get to Rias' before 8 so I can get the cookies for my ma’s birthday.”
“Ok.” Max turns for a moment, looks desperately likes he wants to kiss me, but only manages a small nod of the head, before being dragged off by Michael. I watch as the door jingles behind them and they disappear from view, and I realise, I can’t wait until this whole ‘affair’ is out in the open.
It was such a relief to have finally told Maria, who was totally for this relationship from the very beginning. It hadn’t been so easy with Kyle though, he had looked slightly uncomfortable, being stuck between three of his best friends, Max, Brad and I, and he had taken a neutral stance, saying, he hoped it worked out for the best and that he hoped that Brad would take it okay.
I hoped Brad would too.
A high pitched noise disturbs thoughts of Brad, and I walk backward and fling open the door. The phone in the back is ringing shrilly. I’m about to ask Courtney if she’s deaf, and what the hell her deal has been today, when I spot a lump beneath the coats. Her head is in her hands, scrunched up like some pained animal.
I tread toward her carefully. “Courtney…You okay?”
“Oh!” She wipes away tears from her red rimmed eyes and her voice is husky. “Yeah. Yeah. Fine. Fine.” She waves me away.
“Courtney…” I kneel down beside her. “Really?”
“Really.” She says cheerily, “Really. I yes…I….argh!”
“Court—“
“I don’t know Liz. I don’t know how this happened!” she’s almost yelling. “This wasn’t planned. Oh god. My life’s ruined. It’s so ruined. RUINED! “ she stands up and begins pacing and biting her nails. “How can I be so reckless. Stupid? My life-- my degree--OH MY GOD WHAT AM I GOING TO TELL MY PARANTS?”
I take a tense step back, “Courtney, look. Sit down. I can’t make head nor tail of what you’re saying.” I try to reason.
“Why? Why has this happened? This wasn’t meant to be me Liz. Not me. I was the sensible one. I’m meant to do big things with my life…and now I’ve spoilt it all. All of it. ALL OF IT!”
“Um…”
“Oh god!” she's panicking and I look at her trying not to look too perplexed as she screams and crashes down next to me.
The girls lost it.
“Okay.” I say in my most calm and objective voice…and before I can give her my speech on eagles, and how they make you calm down, she splurts it out.
“I’m pregnant.”
Oh. “You’re pregnant…" I repeat dumbly, “are you sure?”
“Yeah. No. but my period--”
“Okay.” I say softly. “Okay lets think this through.”
“No!” Courtney screams, in an unco-operative manner. “Liz you don’t get it! I can’t. I can’t have this baby…” she shakes her head furiously, “I can’t’ I can’t!.”
“Hold on. Hold on!” I say reassuringly, (not really sure where all this level headedness has come from, but it’s a bit scary when the calmest person alive is having a panic attack, and the only person there to help her, is a self confessed basket case) I clear my throat, “Lets not panic here. Have you told the father?”
“No.”
“Okay then. Whose is it?”
It’s…It’s..” she draws a long breath, “It's Max’s”
*****
The worlds slow, the thumping of my heart is the loudest sound in the world. Everything’s moving in slow motion, and at the same time, I’m getting motion sickness.
“What? “I ask dumbly. Unable to believe. It’s not true.
My voice is so hoarse I don’t even think its mine.
“Max. Evans.” She repeats.
Her voice echoes in my ears, bounces off the walls and resound around me.
Max Evans. Max Evans. My Max Evans.
I wonder how the tables can turn so fast. How in one millisecond my world can turn from something so beautiful, to something so inconceivably terrible. How is that, the only boy that has the power to do this to me is Max? And why does he do it, again and again?
And then I do the strangest thing, I look at her accusingly. Like this was her fault. Like if the ground just swallowed her up, everything would be over and gone, mended and unshattered. “What?—you told me it was platonic!”
“I know! It was. It is. I mean--This was just stupid. My god…what have I done?”
She looks terrified, yet I can hardly hear her, my heart is drumming so hard.
My instant reaction is to get away from her. I stand up. But feel so sick that I sit back down again. It’s silent for a very long time and now I’m the one sitting with head in my hands.
I can’t think. I can’t breath.
“Liz…” she says blowing her nose. “I’m sorry. I know you and Max--”
“Me and Max nothing!!!” I bellow, the words come out before I can stop them and Courtney looks taken aback for a minute.
My eyes are stinging and I squeeze them together, not wanting to be humiliated further.
“Really?” she says squeakily, “Because I thought you two were…I mean Max always talks about you. He adores you. Between us, Max and I… it was a one off. He was drunk, needed someone. I had my issues. We both regretted it straight away, we--,”
“I don’t want to know about your private encounters Courtney.” I snap. “Who you fuck is purely your own business”
It’s only when she lets out a small sob, i realise, that the girls world is falling apart. I’m not the one I should be thinking about.
I kneel down beside her and try to pull myself together. “It’s fine. It’s okay really. Stuff like this happens all the time…” (who am I kidding?). "It's okay. It's okay..." I'm not too sure, who I’m trying to reassure. Me or her.
I brush my hair away from my pounding head, “Okay,” I take a deep breath, “so what do you want to do?”
“I don’t want to keep it.” She confirms.
“Cool--yes. Okay. But first you need to tell Max okay?”
“No!” she screeches.
“Courtney. You have to. Both of you are in this together.” It hurts to say it, but I make words flow out of my mouth. “This babies as much as his as it is yours” I talk on. Pretending it’s not Max, not my Max I’m talking about. But some other, random guy.
“Why though,?” she says quietly, “I don’t want to spoil the friendship we have. He’s one of the closest friends I have.”
And then I realise, how scared she is of losing him too. “Listen Courtney. I know you feel insecure. But he needs to know. He deserves to know, as much as you deserve his support.”
“Okay.” She nods, with tear filled eyes, and it makes her look so small. I wonder if I look so vulnerable when I cry.
“But first things first, let’s buy a test.”
I drive her to the chemist in Maria’s jetta, which I borrowed off her today, to drive to the Pizzeria to meet my Dad. Courtney and I walk into the chemist together. Discuss about which pregnancy test to buy. I drop her back home. She thanks me. I smile politely and tell her no problem. As soon as she’s gone, I rev the engine and drive to the Pizzeria.
I sit outside for a long time, staring at the beautiful dusky colours of setting sun. Finally I pull myself out of the car, onto the silent side walk. I run my fingers through my hair and stumble inside.
He’s not here yet. I’m over half an hour late.
Maybe he’s held up. Traffic or something.
I ask the waitress for a table for two, and I sit with a glass of water in front of me. I sit quietly. Theres a busy hum of people talking around me. Yet, I feel totally detached. Staring at nothingness.
I wait a while. There’s no phone call.
20 minutes pass.
40 minutes…
An hour…
I wait.
“Do you want to order anything?” A brown eyed girl, called Natalie, looks down at me. She looks at me with pity. She probably thinks I’m some loser stood up on a date. “We’re closing in 10”
“Closing?...” I look down at my watch. I’ve been waiting for nearly three hours. “No. No thanks.”
The drive home is insanely calm, theres not many cars on the roads. I park outside the house and see darkened figures moving in the light.
Switching off the engine, I lay my head against the steering wheel and close my pounding eyes. It’s not long before darkness engulfs me.
Chapter 21
Happiness. I’m beginning to understand what it means.
Its not perfection. Far from it. Yet imperfection becomes dismissible. Flaws become bearable. Failings, are errs that all men make, yet you move on. The world becomes a kind of imperfect perfection, and once again it becomes beautiful.
I smile to myself, like one of those gooey, love struck couples, as I scrub down the counter at Agnes’. I can see my face in it, and namely, I look content.
“Liz what are you doing?” Courtney huffs from behind me, but her mother of all foul moods doesn’t effect me in the slightest. I continue tra-la-ing along, wiping the counter, and smiling to myself… all content and stuff.
My eyes lift and as on cue, they catch hazel ones, and my heart flip flops.
Sigh.
Sigh…
“Liz? Seriously”. Courtney grits. Dissatisfied with my non existent response, she pinches my arm.
Gah! “What?” I snap, breaking my trance. ”Can’t you see I’m busy...um... cleaning the counter?”
“Yeah and for the tenth time. Its probably clean…” she hisses.
“Whatever” I mutter under my breath. What crawled up her ass anyway?
“Espresso please?”
I twirl, and then stand gripping the counter, because I’ve made myself dizzy from turning so fast. Max raises a mocking brow at me. Courtney curses under her breath, and disappears.
I nod. “Hit 4 coming right up.” I slide the cup toward him, “Be careful or you’ll get addicted.”
His fingers reach around the hot cup, brushing softly against mine, his eyes flutter back up at me giving me a crooked smile, “I already am. So, how are you feeling? You’re meeting the legendary Parker today.”
“Yeah, I’m meeting Dad, at the Pizzeria. Straight after this shift. I’m pretty excited actually.”
‘Really?” He looks surprised.
“Yeah. I mean why shouldn’t I be? I’ve thought about it. Worried about it as much as I possibly can, and you’re right. What do I really have to lose? Maybe its time things started looking up.” I happily, folding the cloth in my hand and placing it on the extremely clean counter.
Max nods. “They are.”
I smile. This meeting is probably one of the hardest things I’ll probably have to do in my life. I mean, what do you say to a father who kinda dumped you for another family because you reminded him too much of your own mother?
But somehow I knew it was going to be okay. Perhaps with Max by my side it didn't seem so bad. But, I just knew it.
“Liz. Seriously.” Courtney hisses in my ear. “We.have.to.close.up.”
"Okay.Two.Sec.onds"
“What’s her deal?” Max asks as she storms off in a huff.
“I don’t know. I’ve never actually seen her agitated.”
“Beats me. Courtney is normally the queen of High Spirits”
“Dude, we gotta go.” Michael grabs Max’s shoulder. “I need to get to Rias' before 8 so I can get the cookies for my ma’s birthday.”
“Ok.” Max turns for a moment, looks desperately likes he wants to kiss me, but only manages a small nod of the head, before being dragged off by Michael. I watch as the door jingles behind them and they disappear from view, and I realise, I can’t wait until this whole ‘affair’ is out in the open.
It was such a relief to have finally told Maria, who was totally for this relationship from the very beginning. It hadn’t been so easy with Kyle though, he had looked slightly uncomfortable, being stuck between three of his best friends, Max, Brad and I, and he had taken a neutral stance, saying, he hoped it worked out for the best and that he hoped that Brad would take it okay.
I hoped Brad would too.
A high pitched noise disturbs thoughts of Brad, and I walk backward and fling open the door. The phone in the back is ringing shrilly. I’m about to ask Courtney if she’s deaf, and what the hell her deal has been today, when I spot a lump beneath the coats. Her head is in her hands, scrunched up like some pained animal.
I tread toward her carefully. “Courtney…You okay?”
“Oh!” She wipes away tears from her red rimmed eyes and her voice is husky. “Yeah. Yeah. Fine. Fine.” She waves me away.
“Courtney…” I kneel down beside her. “Really?”
“Really.” She says cheerily, “Really. I yes…I….argh!”
“Court—“
“I don’t know Liz. I don’t know how this happened!” she’s almost yelling. “This wasn’t planned. Oh god. My life’s ruined. It’s so ruined. RUINED! “ she stands up and begins pacing and biting her nails. “How can I be so reckless. Stupid? My life-- my degree--OH MY GOD WHAT AM I GOING TO TELL MY PARANTS?”
I take a tense step back, “Courtney, look. Sit down. I can’t make head nor tail of what you’re saying.” I try to reason.
“Why? Why has this happened? This wasn’t meant to be me Liz. Not me. I was the sensible one. I’m meant to do big things with my life…and now I’ve spoilt it all. All of it. ALL OF IT!”
“Um…”
“Oh god!” she's panicking and I look at her trying not to look too perplexed as she screams and crashes down next to me.
The girls lost it.
“Okay.” I say in my most calm and objective voice…and before I can give her my speech on eagles, and how they make you calm down, she splurts it out.
“I’m pregnant.”
Oh. “You’re pregnant…" I repeat dumbly, “are you sure?”
“Yeah. No. but my period--”
“Okay.” I say softly. “Okay lets think this through.”
“No!” Courtney screams, in an unco-operative manner. “Liz you don’t get it! I can’t. I can’t have this baby…” she shakes her head furiously, “I can’t’ I can’t!.”
“Hold on. Hold on!” I say reassuringly, (not really sure where all this level headedness has come from, but it’s a bit scary when the calmest person alive is having a panic attack, and the only person there to help her, is a self confessed basket case) I clear my throat, “Lets not panic here. Have you told the father?”
“No.”
“Okay then. Whose is it?”
It’s…It’s..” she draws a long breath, “It's Max’s”
*****
The worlds slow, the thumping of my heart is the loudest sound in the world. Everything’s moving in slow motion, and at the same time, I’m getting motion sickness.
“What? “I ask dumbly. Unable to believe. It’s not true.
My voice is so hoarse I don’t even think its mine.
“Max. Evans.” She repeats.
Her voice echoes in my ears, bounces off the walls and resound around me.
Max Evans. Max Evans. My Max Evans.
I wonder how the tables can turn so fast. How in one millisecond my world can turn from something so beautiful, to something so inconceivably terrible. How is that, the only boy that has the power to do this to me is Max? And why does he do it, again and again?
And then I do the strangest thing, I look at her accusingly. Like this was her fault. Like if the ground just swallowed her up, everything would be over and gone, mended and unshattered. “What?—you told me it was platonic!”
“I know! It was. It is. I mean--This was just stupid. My god…what have I done?”
She looks terrified, yet I can hardly hear her, my heart is drumming so hard.
My instant reaction is to get away from her. I stand up. But feel so sick that I sit back down again. It’s silent for a very long time and now I’m the one sitting with head in my hands.
I can’t think. I can’t breath.
“Liz…” she says blowing her nose. “I’m sorry. I know you and Max--”
“Me and Max nothing!!!” I bellow, the words come out before I can stop them and Courtney looks taken aback for a minute.
My eyes are stinging and I squeeze them together, not wanting to be humiliated further.
“Really?” she says squeakily, “Because I thought you two were…I mean Max always talks about you. He adores you. Between us, Max and I… it was a one off. He was drunk, needed someone. I had my issues. We both regretted it straight away, we--,”
“I don’t want to know about your private encounters Courtney.” I snap. “Who you fuck is purely your own business”
It’s only when she lets out a small sob, i realise, that the girls world is falling apart. I’m not the one I should be thinking about.
I kneel down beside her and try to pull myself together. “It’s fine. It’s okay really. Stuff like this happens all the time…” (who am I kidding?). "It's okay. It's okay..." I'm not too sure, who I’m trying to reassure. Me or her.
I brush my hair away from my pounding head, “Okay,” I take a deep breath, “so what do you want to do?”
“I don’t want to keep it.” She confirms.
“Cool--yes. Okay. But first you need to tell Max okay?”
“No!” she screeches.
“Courtney. You have to. Both of you are in this together.” It hurts to say it, but I make words flow out of my mouth. “This babies as much as his as it is yours” I talk on. Pretending it’s not Max, not my Max I’m talking about. But some other, random guy.
“Why though,?” she says quietly, “I don’t want to spoil the friendship we have. He’s one of the closest friends I have.”
And then I realise, how scared she is of losing him too. “Listen Courtney. I know you feel insecure. But he needs to know. He deserves to know, as much as you deserve his support.”
“Okay.” She nods, with tear filled eyes, and it makes her look so small. I wonder if I look so vulnerable when I cry.
“But first things first, let’s buy a test.”
I drive her to the chemist in Maria’s jetta, which I borrowed off her today, to drive to the Pizzeria to meet my Dad. Courtney and I walk into the chemist together. Discuss about which pregnancy test to buy. I drop her back home. She thanks me. I smile politely and tell her no problem. As soon as she’s gone, I rev the engine and drive to the Pizzeria.
I sit outside for a long time, staring at the beautiful dusky colours of setting sun. Finally I pull myself out of the car, onto the silent side walk. I run my fingers through my hair and stumble inside.
He’s not here yet. I’m over half an hour late.
Maybe he’s held up. Traffic or something.
I ask the waitress for a table for two, and I sit with a glass of water in front of me. I sit quietly. Theres a busy hum of people talking around me. Yet, I feel totally detached. Staring at nothingness.
I wait a while. There’s no phone call.
20 minutes pass.
40 minutes…
An hour…
I wait.
“Do you want to order anything?” A brown eyed girl, called Natalie, looks down at me. She looks at me with pity. She probably thinks I’m some loser stood up on a date. “We’re closing in 10”
“Closing?...” I look down at my watch. I’ve been waiting for nearly three hours. “No. No thanks.”
The drive home is insanely calm, theres not many cars on the roads. I park outside the house and see darkened figures moving in the light.
Switching off the engine, I lay my head against the steering wheel and close my pounding eyes. It’s not long before darkness engulfs me.
Yes ‘eb I’m really back!! 
I'm really glad you’re all still here and there’s not long left on this fic either... tho I’m kinda excited about another one i'm planning. Lets see how it goes...
No Regrets
Chapter 22
I was hoping that if I ran really fast, they wouldn’t notice me. I was hoping that if I buried my face beneath a mound of pillows, their voices would disappear. But they’ve been outside my door for the last ten minutes, yelling.
Any normal person would have admitted defeat by now. But this is Maria, and for some reason, I know it ain’t happening.
“Elizabeth!” Maria screeches in a highly mother like tone, “You open this door- or I swear we’re all be working over time to pay the landlord for the breakages.”
“Go away.” I say dejectedly for the umpteenth time.
But Maria's not giving in, and Kyle has joined her, coaxing my name in much gentler tones compared to his neighbours high screeching.
Torturously I get off the bed and open the door- I don’t even glance at them before I fall back on to my stomach with a soft thud, burying my head in my hands.
They rush inside, but halt exactly two feet from bed, like some invisible wall stops them coming any further.
Pity. I hate it.
“He didn’t come did he?” Maria asks briskly. She sounds like she’s going to rifle down my Dad if I give her the chance.
“No.”
She gives a hard stamp of her foot and sighs, but not coming any closer says, “Max called, do you want to--,”
“No!” I say in an even harsher tone.
She looks a bit surprised, but nothing more needs to be said. I bury my head deeper in my arms.
I wish they’d just go away.
Theres silence as three pairs of eyes burn through my skin. I can’t see them, but feel their pitying heat.
I turn my head up to them, as they look down at me, devastated. Poor girl. When will it ever look up for her? written over the faces.
“You can go now.” I announce coarsely. And leave me to my sad and miserable existence.
It’s so silent that the drop of a pin could probably be heard. But they don’t even make the slightest attempt to move in anyway.
Luckily, I’ve been blessed with the most disobedient friends in the world.
“Really. Go. I’m fine.”
Stitch stands silently just outside the door with a scared look on her face. Kyle and Maria completely ignore me, and Maria manages a “Aww…baby”, then suddenly lunges forward and clambers on to my back, lying on top me, cuddling me from behind. This give Kyle cue to move too, as he pushes a beanie toward us, and hands me tissue after tissue, his way of consoling, as a river of tears fall silently from my eyes.
*****
After exactly 20 minutes of sleep, I turn up at college the next day looking like absolute shit.
I haven’t showered. My eyes are still red rimmed from tears that turned from hurtful to angry over the passing hours, and I can hardly remember how I had dressed myself. But here I am, all in the name of education… or more realistically using it to sidetrack me.
It’s a clever idea really. A kind of displacement. In fact if I had thought about it earlier, I’d probably have the highest G.P.A in the college.
Maria and I talked half the night. She, confirming my suspicions, by pointing out how she was going to make sure she would attack my Dad if ever she saw him, and how disgusted she was with Max. So much so, that she was going to make a voodoo doll, and use it make him impotent. She was so serious, that I had to remind her that we weren’t together at the time he had this ‘rendezvous’ with Courtney; and then spent half the night trying to talk her out of her creative ideas.
Still- it didn’t stop her being disgusted, and it didn’t stop me being angry and bitter.
Sighing, I begin circling for my locker combo- for some reason its completely blanked from memory.
“Hey Beautiful. Surprise.”
Oh my god. It can’t be… “Brad!!” I scream, and almost jump on him. I kiss him playfully as I look up at his handsome, fresh face. “How?… weren’t you?...My god it’s so nice to see you!.”
“You too babe. You too… Thought I’d come a day early and catch you guys off guard.”
He turns side way and I realise that Max and Alex are behind too. Max is smiling, but there’s strain behind his eyes. I wonder if it’s just because Brads returned all of a sudden, or maybe news of Courtney.
“Bradley White!” Tess screeches from down the hall way, and Max sidles toward me, his shoulders grazing mine, as Brad greets Tess and a few others.
From the corner of my eye I see, he’s looking at me. Searching my face. I’m pretending to intently study the encounter between Alex, Tess and Brad.
“You didn’t call back last night.” His voice is hesitant, almost insecure.
He’s insecure about Brad. He doesn’t know yet.
I don’t look at him though. I know if I look at him, I’ll melt. Max’s vulnerable look is enough to make anyone dissolve into a puddle of goo. His eyes—they turn this deeper green, and gain intensity, like a lost child trying to read you soul. It’s like….
Stop it Liz. Stop it.
He continues to stare at me, dangerously close, and in turn I stare at the ground. “Lizzy?” he coaxes gently. Slowly, his fingers brush mine.
A chill of longing rushes up my spine.
“Max. Not now…I was…” crying over the idea that we may never have a future. “I was busy.”
Before he can respond, Brad grabs my hand and drops a little peck on it. “We have some catching up to do.”
My heart doesn’t even dare to venture a look at Max, or consider the colour his eyes have gone now, as I’m reluctantly dragged away by Brad.
*****
It’s too hot outside. I wish I had bought my sunglasses. Everyone’s out on the bleachers eating food- apart from me that is. I’m not hungry. Instead I’m focused on playing a little game. Its called- trying-to-snatch-your-hand-away-from-your-boyfriend-whilst-he’s-trying to molest-you.
Yes, I repeat- Brads back. And he’s horny.
I’m annoyed.
Max is pissed off. And he’s trying to cover by annoying me even more.
In case no ones noticed. This is NOT fun.
“So who’s going to Detroit’s party?” Tess wonders out loud, chewing a fry.
Theres a murmur of consent.
“I’m not.” I announce.
“Why the hell not?” Tess cries, “We’re dressing up like slutty school girls!”, like that should be justification enough for me to turn up to a night, where I’m going to have to remain sober, so I can be tactfully miserable and skilfully avoid both Max and Brad. I think not.
“I’m busy.”
“Doing what?”
“Being difficult- obviously.” Max retorts. He’s lying down on the bleacher below, tactfully covering his eyes with his Armani sun glasses, and has been busily passing as many snide comments at me as he can, in the last half hour.
I ignore him. “I’m doing… stuff.”
“Whoa. You’re becoming better and better at making up those excuses,” comes the comment from below.
“Liz…” Brad cajoles, making a snatch for my hand, “ Are you throwing a tantrum for the sake of throwing one?”
I roll my eyes. “Yes. That’s what I’m doing.”
“Some things never change.” Max gripes.
I stare down at him, angrily. My eyebrows scrunched together. “No. They don’t. No matter how much you want them to.”
“And what a pity that is.”
“You’re telling me?” I hiss, sending waves of resentment toward him.
“So, please repeat. Whats your excuse for not coming again?”
I glare at him. Maybe I should have let Maria make that voodoo doll after all. In fact , I’ve decided I’m not going to the party, just so I can make one.
Theres a tiny silence as everyone wonders what the hell we’re talking about, when as usual, and just in time Maria comes to the rescue, before I jump on Max and strangle him.
“You’re coming whether you like it or not, Hun.”
“No, Ria. I can’t.”
This time Brad grasps for my hand and actually catches it, he pulls me toward him and gives me his huge, sea, blue puppy eyes. “Liz Please.”
Max jerks up and looks the other way.
“Please baby.” I’m only here for a while and I want to spend as much time as I can with you. Pweese. Pweese. Pweese.”
I shake my head. “Fine! Okay. Okay.Okay!” I groan, even though I know, somehow, I’ll probably regret it.
Max’s mutter of “Don’t make me gag,” is over ridden a cheer of triumph from Tess and Maria.
“We need to talk.” A shadow covers us, as Courtney appears from nowhere and stares down at Max like an Angel of doom, obviously having decided that speculation was the least of her problems.
Max throws her a confused and annoyed look, then shrugs in that nonchalant way of his, “Well, talk.”
Everyone eats, and stares at her, ready for impending news.
Maria throws me a hesitant grimace, and Courtney looks like Max’s undermining statement is going to send her in to a fit of tears, but just in time she manages to pull herself together.
“I mean just you and me… Lets talk. By that tree.”
Max shrugs and follows.
Many pairs of eyes watch them walk across the field, and to their destination of the tree. Wondering. Speculating.
“I wonder if she’s gunna ask him out?” Tess wonders out loud. Then apart from Tess and Brad, all pairs of eyes turn to look at me, and I feel like that scandalised celebrity of the day.
My god. Are those the only two that don’t have a clue?
I shift as the staring back and fro, between Tess and Courtney and me, starts to become pretty damned uncomfortable, and I’m so close to throwing my hands up, and preparing a Question Time for the all of them, so it's over and done with, when Michael speaks up for the first time, proving his alliance with Maria, “So Brad boy, tell me more about the Reds.”
Then just like that, the attention shifts. But I can’t help but watch on. Courtney’s movements become more exaggerated, as she talks. She looks upset.
God…don’t let it be. Please don’t let it be…
Max’s body stiffens, and a pale look of realisation scratches his features as his eyes travel from her, across the field, and land on me.
I'm really glad you’re all still here and there’s not long left on this fic either... tho I’m kinda excited about another one i'm planning. Lets see how it goes...
No Regrets
Chapter 22
I was hoping that if I ran really fast, they wouldn’t notice me. I was hoping that if I buried my face beneath a mound of pillows, their voices would disappear. But they’ve been outside my door for the last ten minutes, yelling.
Any normal person would have admitted defeat by now. But this is Maria, and for some reason, I know it ain’t happening.
“Elizabeth!” Maria screeches in a highly mother like tone, “You open this door- or I swear we’re all be working over time to pay the landlord for the breakages.”
“Go away.” I say dejectedly for the umpteenth time.
But Maria's not giving in, and Kyle has joined her, coaxing my name in much gentler tones compared to his neighbours high screeching.
Torturously I get off the bed and open the door- I don’t even glance at them before I fall back on to my stomach with a soft thud, burying my head in my hands.
They rush inside, but halt exactly two feet from bed, like some invisible wall stops them coming any further.
Pity. I hate it.
“He didn’t come did he?” Maria asks briskly. She sounds like she’s going to rifle down my Dad if I give her the chance.
“No.”
She gives a hard stamp of her foot and sighs, but not coming any closer says, “Max called, do you want to--,”
“No!” I say in an even harsher tone.
She looks a bit surprised, but nothing more needs to be said. I bury my head deeper in my arms.
I wish they’d just go away.
Theres silence as three pairs of eyes burn through my skin. I can’t see them, but feel their pitying heat.
I turn my head up to them, as they look down at me, devastated. Poor girl. When will it ever look up for her? written over the faces.
“You can go now.” I announce coarsely. And leave me to my sad and miserable existence.
It’s so silent that the drop of a pin could probably be heard. But they don’t even make the slightest attempt to move in anyway.
Luckily, I’ve been blessed with the most disobedient friends in the world.
“Really. Go. I’m fine.”
Stitch stands silently just outside the door with a scared look on her face. Kyle and Maria completely ignore me, and Maria manages a “Aww…baby”, then suddenly lunges forward and clambers on to my back, lying on top me, cuddling me from behind. This give Kyle cue to move too, as he pushes a beanie toward us, and hands me tissue after tissue, his way of consoling, as a river of tears fall silently from my eyes.
*****
After exactly 20 minutes of sleep, I turn up at college the next day looking like absolute shit.
I haven’t showered. My eyes are still red rimmed from tears that turned from hurtful to angry over the passing hours, and I can hardly remember how I had dressed myself. But here I am, all in the name of education… or more realistically using it to sidetrack me.
It’s a clever idea really. A kind of displacement. In fact if I had thought about it earlier, I’d probably have the highest G.P.A in the college.
Maria and I talked half the night. She, confirming my suspicions, by pointing out how she was going to make sure she would attack my Dad if ever she saw him, and how disgusted she was with Max. So much so, that she was going to make a voodoo doll, and use it make him impotent. She was so serious, that I had to remind her that we weren’t together at the time he had this ‘rendezvous’ with Courtney; and then spent half the night trying to talk her out of her creative ideas.
Still- it didn’t stop her being disgusted, and it didn’t stop me being angry and bitter.
Sighing, I begin circling for my locker combo- for some reason its completely blanked from memory.
“Hey Beautiful. Surprise.”
Oh my god. It can’t be… “Brad!!” I scream, and almost jump on him. I kiss him playfully as I look up at his handsome, fresh face. “How?… weren’t you?...My god it’s so nice to see you!.”
“You too babe. You too… Thought I’d come a day early and catch you guys off guard.”
He turns side way and I realise that Max and Alex are behind too. Max is smiling, but there’s strain behind his eyes. I wonder if it’s just because Brads returned all of a sudden, or maybe news of Courtney.
“Bradley White!” Tess screeches from down the hall way, and Max sidles toward me, his shoulders grazing mine, as Brad greets Tess and a few others.
From the corner of my eye I see, he’s looking at me. Searching my face. I’m pretending to intently study the encounter between Alex, Tess and Brad.
“You didn’t call back last night.” His voice is hesitant, almost insecure.
He’s insecure about Brad. He doesn’t know yet.
I don’t look at him though. I know if I look at him, I’ll melt. Max’s vulnerable look is enough to make anyone dissolve into a puddle of goo. His eyes—they turn this deeper green, and gain intensity, like a lost child trying to read you soul. It’s like….
Stop it Liz. Stop it.
He continues to stare at me, dangerously close, and in turn I stare at the ground. “Lizzy?” he coaxes gently. Slowly, his fingers brush mine.
A chill of longing rushes up my spine.
“Max. Not now…I was…” crying over the idea that we may never have a future. “I was busy.”
Before he can respond, Brad grabs my hand and drops a little peck on it. “We have some catching up to do.”
My heart doesn’t even dare to venture a look at Max, or consider the colour his eyes have gone now, as I’m reluctantly dragged away by Brad.
*****
It’s too hot outside. I wish I had bought my sunglasses. Everyone’s out on the bleachers eating food- apart from me that is. I’m not hungry. Instead I’m focused on playing a little game. Its called- trying-to-snatch-your-hand-away-from-your-boyfriend-whilst-he’s-trying to molest-you.
Yes, I repeat- Brads back. And he’s horny.
I’m annoyed.
Max is pissed off. And he’s trying to cover by annoying me even more.
In case no ones noticed. This is NOT fun.
“So who’s going to Detroit’s party?” Tess wonders out loud, chewing a fry.
Theres a murmur of consent.
“I’m not.” I announce.
“Why the hell not?” Tess cries, “We’re dressing up like slutty school girls!”, like that should be justification enough for me to turn up to a night, where I’m going to have to remain sober, so I can be tactfully miserable and skilfully avoid both Max and Brad. I think not.
“I’m busy.”
“Doing what?”
“Being difficult- obviously.” Max retorts. He’s lying down on the bleacher below, tactfully covering his eyes with his Armani sun glasses, and has been busily passing as many snide comments at me as he can, in the last half hour.
I ignore him. “I’m doing… stuff.”
“Whoa. You’re becoming better and better at making up those excuses,” comes the comment from below.
“Liz…” Brad cajoles, making a snatch for my hand, “ Are you throwing a tantrum for the sake of throwing one?”
I roll my eyes. “Yes. That’s what I’m doing.”
“Some things never change.” Max gripes.
I stare down at him, angrily. My eyebrows scrunched together. “No. They don’t. No matter how much you want them to.”
“And what a pity that is.”
“You’re telling me?” I hiss, sending waves of resentment toward him.
“So, please repeat. Whats your excuse for not coming again?”
I glare at him. Maybe I should have let Maria make that voodoo doll after all. In fact , I’ve decided I’m not going to the party, just so I can make one.
Theres a tiny silence as everyone wonders what the hell we’re talking about, when as usual, and just in time Maria comes to the rescue, before I jump on Max and strangle him.
“You’re coming whether you like it or not, Hun.”
“No, Ria. I can’t.”
This time Brad grasps for my hand and actually catches it, he pulls me toward him and gives me his huge, sea, blue puppy eyes. “Liz Please.”
Max jerks up and looks the other way.
“Please baby.” I’m only here for a while and I want to spend as much time as I can with you. Pweese. Pweese. Pweese.”
I shake my head. “Fine! Okay. Okay.Okay!” I groan, even though I know, somehow, I’ll probably regret it.
Max’s mutter of “Don’t make me gag,” is over ridden a cheer of triumph from Tess and Maria.
“We need to talk.” A shadow covers us, as Courtney appears from nowhere and stares down at Max like an Angel of doom, obviously having decided that speculation was the least of her problems.
Max throws her a confused and annoyed look, then shrugs in that nonchalant way of his, “Well, talk.”
Everyone eats, and stares at her, ready for impending news.
Maria throws me a hesitant grimace, and Courtney looks like Max’s undermining statement is going to send her in to a fit of tears, but just in time she manages to pull herself together.
“I mean just you and me… Lets talk. By that tree.”
Max shrugs and follows.
Many pairs of eyes watch them walk across the field, and to their destination of the tree. Wondering. Speculating.
“I wonder if she’s gunna ask him out?” Tess wonders out loud. Then apart from Tess and Brad, all pairs of eyes turn to look at me, and I feel like that scandalised celebrity of the day.
My god. Are those the only two that don’t have a clue?
I shift as the staring back and fro, between Tess and Courtney and me, starts to become pretty damned uncomfortable, and I’m so close to throwing my hands up, and preparing a Question Time for the all of them, so it's over and done with, when Michael speaks up for the first time, proving his alliance with Maria, “So Brad boy, tell me more about the Reds.”
Then just like that, the attention shifts. But I can’t help but watch on. Courtney’s movements become more exaggerated, as she talks. She looks upset.
God…don’t let it be. Please don’t let it be…
Max’s body stiffens, and a pale look of realisation scratches his features as his eyes travel from her, across the field, and land on me.
Last edited by Blue*Soul on Sat Jun 25, 2005 7:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Oh, I do love reunions!! I forgot how addictive this site and all this FB is… Its good to be back and writing again...Which reminds me (yes Kara thanks for reminding me;)) about Between you and I… that’s a difficult one. Still on a kinda writers block for that, and working up the passion to start on that at some point. Unfortunately I’m not quite ‘feeling’ it yet. Tho, I did have a curry last night! T'was was nice:)
FSUMSW94- I appreciate you being here, and always being the first to post;)
Smac- theeres a reason I bought those potshots back. I’ve always thought its an inevitable part of what they’ll always be...
Roni-230- Pme’d ya.
FrenchKiss- I too am hoping *fingers crossed* for a more then 5 minutes of happiness. They DO deserve it!
‘eb- You kinda summed up my feelings about the angst, that's similar to how I feel when writing it. After all… You know what they say about the course of true love and all…
Mom!!- (Don’t have much to say, Just felt like giving you a shout out…)
Extingman- Your compliment about my writing made my day!! Thankies.
Thankyou everyone for reading...
The next chap in 5 mins...
FSUMSW94- I appreciate you being here, and always being the first to post;)
Smac- theeres a reason I bought those potshots back. I’ve always thought its an inevitable part of what they’ll always be...
Roni-230- Pme’d ya.
FrenchKiss- I too am hoping *fingers crossed* for a more then 5 minutes of happiness. They DO deserve it!
‘eb- You kinda summed up my feelings about the angst, that's similar to how I feel when writing it. After all… You know what they say about the course of true love and all…
Mom!!- (Don’t have much to say, Just felt like giving you a shout out…)
Extingman- Your compliment about my writing made my day!! Thankies.
I will try my best. I swear…g7silvers wrote: Now please stay.
Thankyou everyone for reading...
The next chap in 5 mins...
No Regrets
Chapter 23
“Serxy. Mama.” Maria calls at me, as I trail unenthusiastically out of Tess’ ensuite, with a crestfallen look written over my features. She’s tying up the tiny blouse that finishes off her outfit of, leather hot pants and studded boots.
“I look like a slut in pigtails.” I announce. My statement is proven valid by Kyle’s wolf whistle.
“Don’t we all.” Isabel says tartly, glancing up from drawing freckles on his face.
The bed dips, as I fall next to Kyle. Today has not been fun. Today has been full of trying to find time and space to confess to Brad and trying to hide from Max. Today has been full of exhaustion. Today is the day i want to burrow under piles of clothes and die. Again. I repeat. Today has not been fun.
There’s a sharp knock on the door. “Come in.” Tess murmurs lifting her breasts. I say breasts, because the thing she’s pulling up doesn’t constitute being a bra.
“I’ve called a cab. Whenever you guys are ready…“ Brad looks adorable as he trails off mid sentence and throws a desbelieving look around the room. “Max... you’ve got to come in here.”
“Do I look underdressed?” Tess questions, pulling down the tiny material around her waist (and I thought I was wearing the shortest one in the world).
“Yep.” Max enters the room, with a twinkle in his eye. He probably thinks he's entered heaven.
“Goodie.”
“Do I look enough like a horny pre-pubescent boy?” He’s wearing a uniform of grey pants, his tanned skin visible through his half buttoned shirt and a very badly knotted tie.
“You look the same as usual. Which means yes.”
“Oi. Careful. Stud boy doesn’t take kindly to such remarks, but since you have the best pair of breasts I’ve ever seen, I’ll let you off.”
Tess throws a pillow at him, he catches it and slams it on the bed next to me, with a little more violence then should be ought for a pillow. It's frustration from the mucho brush offs I’ve been giving him, every time he makes a grab from me in private.
“Ooh. Ooh… I have a question!” Kyle doesn’t bother hide his droolng, “Why haven’t we done school uniform night before? Can we make it a weekly thing? Can I bring my video camera?”
I casually lift his jaw shut, “Jeez Kyle. Get a grip.”
Then I tactfully put forward my final argument to convince everyone of my sudden yet humongous migraine, and how I’ll die if I don’t get immediate bed rest. Also, that Alex will in no way be able to baby sit Stitch on his own, and that I should be there, just in case Stitch or even Alex need me.
For some reason though, they see right through me.
*****
Leaving everyone downstairs, I follow the bass of the trance music. The probe lights occasionally lighting up known and unknown faces, making a heightened rainbow of mish mash. Not one person is sober. Passive marijuana smoke making the dance floor high.
I sit in a love seat. It’s meant to be covered by thick curtains, giving horny couples privacy to make out, and there are two girls proving just how horny they are, right next to me. My eyes travel in and out of masses of high, drunk, grinding students, not quite sure what I’m searching for. But as a reflex I stop when they find him.
The muscles of his back are taught against his white shirt, one shirt tail hangs loose, as he leans down to talk to a tiny girl. He nods. He smiles. He has that look on his face when he’s trying to understand. He’s not doing anything spectacular, but all the same it’s enough to make him stand out to me in a room full of identicals. It’s enough to make the tiny hair on my arms stand up.
He takes a drag of her cigarette and thanks her. Drink in hand, he turns. She eyes him all the way, as he walks closer and closer to me.
Closer.
Crap.
I turn to the side, lift myself up proudly and begin to walk.
“There you are… “ Max catches my arm, “I’ve been looking for you all night you know.”
I feign surprise. “Really?” That's strange because I’ve being working all night to avoid you.
“And just when I’m close to giving up. Here you are. Just like you to be so unpredictable.” His eyes are unsteady, changing into a million different colours under the probe lights. “Do you want a drink?”
“Nope. It’s a sober night for me.”
He nods. I glance at him briefly and look the other way. There’s tension. Neither knows how to bring it up. “Anyway… I’ll see you around.”
His voice turns serious. “Liz you have to listen to me.”
“Do I?”
“Yes. Let me explain.”
“I’m SO tired of this”
“And I’m not?”
I groan loudly and turn to go.
“Lizzy!” he grabs me as I turn to go and pulls me to him. My breasts brush against his chest, before I shrug out of his grasp.
Words pour out of my mouth. The hurt. The humiliation. “You told me it would be perfect. That this wouldn’t happen again. And you know what? I believed you… God I’m so stupid. Stupid. Stupid!”
There’s guilt in his voice, “I know. I let you down- I’m sorry….”
“Sorry?” I cry, “I dunno Max. There’s going to be a point when that just isn’t enough.”
“So your gunna go?” he looks at me disbelievingly. “Without even giving me the chance to explain?”
“I think the consequences of what you’ve done speak for themselves.”
There’s anger in his eyes, and it unnerves me. “What have I done? I used a girl Liz. I had sex with her. Not because I was in love with her. I was frustrated. I was sad. I was miserable.” He looks at me as I roll my eyes, “I was fucking trying to find a way to get over you!”
His words catch me off guard. I stare at him, at his volatile expression. God, I’m so angry. So mad. “So that makes it all okay? You’re a jerk Max.”
“Yes, it’s wrong. What I did was wrong…. but god… I didn’t commit a murder and it happens all the fucking time!”
“What’s wrong with you?" I yell disbelievingly, "You got her pregnant!”
Cursing, I stomp off and head straight for the bar. It seems that being sober is too hard a task right now.
*****
“You're such a moron!” I yell, jumping up and down.
Detroit jumps on some dudes back, and falls at my feet. For some reason that’s the funniest thing I’ve seen all week. Hell, its hilarious.
I’m laughing so hard, I’m actually crying. I give him my hand, which I realise, too late, is a bad idea as the guy is like 5 times my size and his weight causes me to fall onto the lump of bodies on the floor.
Colin laughs, “Jeez, Liz you’re so wasted”
“Me? Nuh. Uh. I haven’t even drunk. At all.” I use my hands to lift myself, but topple back onto my ass.
This sends us both into a fit of giggles. “Liar!”
“Ok.” I giggle. “Just a little. But i'm not wasted, wasted. Really.”
He raises his eyebrows at me in his extremely drunk state. “Yes you are.”
“No I’m not.”
“Yes you are.”
“No I’m not.”
“You are!”
“NOT!”
This mother of all stimulating conversations goes on for quite a while, until I lose Detroit to a bouncer, who tells him to get the hell up because his huge bodies destructing the pathway.
“You’re wasted!!” he yells before he struts off.
“NO I’m not!”
But stumbling back down on my ass 5 times truly proves a point.
I’m wasted.
I blunder helplessly around the club. I haven’t seen Brad all night, I’m sure he’s looking for me. In fact I haven’t seen anyone. But this is the way it's going to be, i decide, as I find space at the bar to lean against. It's better this way.
Lonely.
Nobody to call my own.
Jeez. I’m officially Mr. Lonely.
The music’s a brazen noise in my ears now. People seem to be speaking individually to me….and more importantly, I think I’m gunna puke.
“What happened about keeping it sober?” Max asks, from behind me.
“…Oh…That kind of… flew out of the window.” I answer, concentrating on keeping the room from spinning.
My elbow slips off the bar and I stumble a little. Automatically, he reaches for me, in a protective stance, but I brush his hand away. “I’m fine.’
He gives me a pointed look. “You can hardly walk.”
“I’m walking!” and then just to prove myself, I walk a few confident steps forward until some dumb guy who can’t dance- (they really should ban them from these places) decides to step on my feet, causing me crumble downward.
His arms are a protective cocoon around me, and he holds me from behind, leading me forward.
“Just because I’m letting you touch me does not mean I’m not mad at you.” I inform, with the wiggle of my finger.
He rolls his eyes and using my hips twirls me around in the middle of the floor, so he can look into my face. He’s half covered by shadow, all edges and angles, and I truly wonder how someone can be so beautiful.
“It’s not like you were Ms chaste.”
“That was different!” I point a finger at him angrily. “I never thought we’d be together… I never saw a future…Brad and I-- we used condoms and I didn’t get anyone pregnant!!” I’m so fired up now. I could lob him. “And you know what?… You know what?” I add providing his half amused face, a little extra information. “We didn’t even have sex that often!!”
“Right.”
“Yes that’s right!…You can smirk all you want. This is probably amusing to you. But its not even the slightest bit funny to me… You’ve ruined it all!”
He gives a loud sigh. “She’s not pregnant.”
“I can’t believe you would be so careless!” I parade on, “Do you even know how much i’ve thought about being with you… Of having a future with you—I can’t bare the idea of her having your babies…if anyone should, it should be--- she--what?”
“If you’d let me speak. If you’d listened. Answered my fucking calls. I would have told you. She’s not pregnant.”
I gawp. “Courtney- She’s not?”
“She thought she was. In fact, by fault of being a woman,” he looks up at the ceiling, and shakes his head, “she was convinced she was…She hadn’t even done a fucking test, before she broke the goddamn news about having an abortion!” He groans in memory, "I can’t believe someone can be so damned irrational. But hey, then again, there's you."
Relief courses through my veins. I’ve never felt such impending happiness. “Really?…Really?” Really?
He lets out a small laugh. “Really. I drove her to the doctor especially. The test was negative. Nada.”
“Oh my god.” It’s a breath of absolute relief as I collapse against him. “Oh my god. God.” I keep chanting. Thank you. Thank you.
His arms are pure warmth. His fingers brush my hair, and already, tiny flames of desire, spark. I stand in his embrace for a while just soaking his smell, his strength. Him.
He strokes my hair and speaks after a while. I don’t even realise that we’re slowly moving to the music. “It nearly killed me when she told me she might be pregnant. More then anything else though… I was scared about not being with you—I just can’t bare to be without you Lizzy. I don’t know what I’d do… I--I--"
“I love you.” I finish for him. “God, I love you so much.”
Then I’m crying and grappling at him. I’m on my tip toes, and his hands are in my hair, he’s kissing me. Violently. Pulsing, burning thirst.
His lips are like air to my lungs. Soul to body. Fulfilment to desire. He has everything I need. I’m holding him, kissing him. Perfection. Its perfect because no one cares here. No one cares if we’re friends or lovers. If I’m with Brad or Max. Whether Courtney was pregnant or not. Its just us. Me and Max. We’re the only two that exist right now.
Eventually we come up for air. His moist lips tickle my ear, erotic in its own way. “Shall we get outta here?”
“Please.” I moan heavily, and then like kids, we’re running, pushing past a blur of figures, like our life depends on it.
****
Chapter 23
“Serxy. Mama.” Maria calls at me, as I trail unenthusiastically out of Tess’ ensuite, with a crestfallen look written over my features. She’s tying up the tiny blouse that finishes off her outfit of, leather hot pants and studded boots.
“I look like a slut in pigtails.” I announce. My statement is proven valid by Kyle’s wolf whistle.
“Don’t we all.” Isabel says tartly, glancing up from drawing freckles on his face.
The bed dips, as I fall next to Kyle. Today has not been fun. Today has been full of trying to find time and space to confess to Brad and trying to hide from Max. Today has been full of exhaustion. Today is the day i want to burrow under piles of clothes and die. Again. I repeat. Today has not been fun.
There’s a sharp knock on the door. “Come in.” Tess murmurs lifting her breasts. I say breasts, because the thing she’s pulling up doesn’t constitute being a bra.
“I’ve called a cab. Whenever you guys are ready…“ Brad looks adorable as he trails off mid sentence and throws a desbelieving look around the room. “Max... you’ve got to come in here.”
“Do I look underdressed?” Tess questions, pulling down the tiny material around her waist (and I thought I was wearing the shortest one in the world).
“Yep.” Max enters the room, with a twinkle in his eye. He probably thinks he's entered heaven.
“Goodie.”
“Do I look enough like a horny pre-pubescent boy?” He’s wearing a uniform of grey pants, his tanned skin visible through his half buttoned shirt and a very badly knotted tie.
“You look the same as usual. Which means yes.”
“Oi. Careful. Stud boy doesn’t take kindly to such remarks, but since you have the best pair of breasts I’ve ever seen, I’ll let you off.”
Tess throws a pillow at him, he catches it and slams it on the bed next to me, with a little more violence then should be ought for a pillow. It's frustration from the mucho brush offs I’ve been giving him, every time he makes a grab from me in private.
“Ooh. Ooh… I have a question!” Kyle doesn’t bother hide his droolng, “Why haven’t we done school uniform night before? Can we make it a weekly thing? Can I bring my video camera?”
I casually lift his jaw shut, “Jeez Kyle. Get a grip.”
Then I tactfully put forward my final argument to convince everyone of my sudden yet humongous migraine, and how I’ll die if I don’t get immediate bed rest. Also, that Alex will in no way be able to baby sit Stitch on his own, and that I should be there, just in case Stitch or even Alex need me.
For some reason though, they see right through me.
*****
Leaving everyone downstairs, I follow the bass of the trance music. The probe lights occasionally lighting up known and unknown faces, making a heightened rainbow of mish mash. Not one person is sober. Passive marijuana smoke making the dance floor high.
I sit in a love seat. It’s meant to be covered by thick curtains, giving horny couples privacy to make out, and there are two girls proving just how horny they are, right next to me. My eyes travel in and out of masses of high, drunk, grinding students, not quite sure what I’m searching for. But as a reflex I stop when they find him.
The muscles of his back are taught against his white shirt, one shirt tail hangs loose, as he leans down to talk to a tiny girl. He nods. He smiles. He has that look on his face when he’s trying to understand. He’s not doing anything spectacular, but all the same it’s enough to make him stand out to me in a room full of identicals. It’s enough to make the tiny hair on my arms stand up.
He takes a drag of her cigarette and thanks her. Drink in hand, he turns. She eyes him all the way, as he walks closer and closer to me.
Closer.
Crap.
I turn to the side, lift myself up proudly and begin to walk.
“There you are… “ Max catches my arm, “I’ve been looking for you all night you know.”
I feign surprise. “Really?” That's strange because I’ve being working all night to avoid you.
“And just when I’m close to giving up. Here you are. Just like you to be so unpredictable.” His eyes are unsteady, changing into a million different colours under the probe lights. “Do you want a drink?”
“Nope. It’s a sober night for me.”
He nods. I glance at him briefly and look the other way. There’s tension. Neither knows how to bring it up. “Anyway… I’ll see you around.”
His voice turns serious. “Liz you have to listen to me.”
“Do I?”
“Yes. Let me explain.”
“I’m SO tired of this”
“And I’m not?”
I groan loudly and turn to go.
“Lizzy!” he grabs me as I turn to go and pulls me to him. My breasts brush against his chest, before I shrug out of his grasp.
Words pour out of my mouth. The hurt. The humiliation. “You told me it would be perfect. That this wouldn’t happen again. And you know what? I believed you… God I’m so stupid. Stupid. Stupid!”
There’s guilt in his voice, “I know. I let you down- I’m sorry….”
“Sorry?” I cry, “I dunno Max. There’s going to be a point when that just isn’t enough.”
“So your gunna go?” he looks at me disbelievingly. “Without even giving me the chance to explain?”
“I think the consequences of what you’ve done speak for themselves.”
There’s anger in his eyes, and it unnerves me. “What have I done? I used a girl Liz. I had sex with her. Not because I was in love with her. I was frustrated. I was sad. I was miserable.” He looks at me as I roll my eyes, “I was fucking trying to find a way to get over you!”
His words catch me off guard. I stare at him, at his volatile expression. God, I’m so angry. So mad. “So that makes it all okay? You’re a jerk Max.”
“Yes, it’s wrong. What I did was wrong…. but god… I didn’t commit a murder and it happens all the fucking time!”
“What’s wrong with you?" I yell disbelievingly, "You got her pregnant!”
Cursing, I stomp off and head straight for the bar. It seems that being sober is too hard a task right now.
*****
“You're such a moron!” I yell, jumping up and down.
Detroit jumps on some dudes back, and falls at my feet. For some reason that’s the funniest thing I’ve seen all week. Hell, its hilarious.
I’m laughing so hard, I’m actually crying. I give him my hand, which I realise, too late, is a bad idea as the guy is like 5 times my size and his weight causes me to fall onto the lump of bodies on the floor.
Colin laughs, “Jeez, Liz you’re so wasted”
“Me? Nuh. Uh. I haven’t even drunk. At all.” I use my hands to lift myself, but topple back onto my ass.
This sends us both into a fit of giggles. “Liar!”
“Ok.” I giggle. “Just a little. But i'm not wasted, wasted. Really.”
He raises his eyebrows at me in his extremely drunk state. “Yes you are.”
“No I’m not.”
“Yes you are.”
“No I’m not.”
“You are!”
“NOT!”
This mother of all stimulating conversations goes on for quite a while, until I lose Detroit to a bouncer, who tells him to get the hell up because his huge bodies destructing the pathway.
“You’re wasted!!” he yells before he struts off.
“NO I’m not!”
But stumbling back down on my ass 5 times truly proves a point.
I’m wasted.
I blunder helplessly around the club. I haven’t seen Brad all night, I’m sure he’s looking for me. In fact I haven’t seen anyone. But this is the way it's going to be, i decide, as I find space at the bar to lean against. It's better this way.
Lonely.
Nobody to call my own.
Jeez. I’m officially Mr. Lonely.
The music’s a brazen noise in my ears now. People seem to be speaking individually to me….and more importantly, I think I’m gunna puke.
“What happened about keeping it sober?” Max asks, from behind me.
“…Oh…That kind of… flew out of the window.” I answer, concentrating on keeping the room from spinning.
My elbow slips off the bar and I stumble a little. Automatically, he reaches for me, in a protective stance, but I brush his hand away. “I’m fine.’
He gives me a pointed look. “You can hardly walk.”
“I’m walking!” and then just to prove myself, I walk a few confident steps forward until some dumb guy who can’t dance- (they really should ban them from these places) decides to step on my feet, causing me crumble downward.
His arms are a protective cocoon around me, and he holds me from behind, leading me forward.
“Just because I’m letting you touch me does not mean I’m not mad at you.” I inform, with the wiggle of my finger.
He rolls his eyes and using my hips twirls me around in the middle of the floor, so he can look into my face. He’s half covered by shadow, all edges and angles, and I truly wonder how someone can be so beautiful.
“It’s not like you were Ms chaste.”
“That was different!” I point a finger at him angrily. “I never thought we’d be together… I never saw a future…Brad and I-- we used condoms and I didn’t get anyone pregnant!!” I’m so fired up now. I could lob him. “And you know what?… You know what?” I add providing his half amused face, a little extra information. “We didn’t even have sex that often!!”
“Right.”
“Yes that’s right!…You can smirk all you want. This is probably amusing to you. But its not even the slightest bit funny to me… You’ve ruined it all!”
He gives a loud sigh. “She’s not pregnant.”
“I can’t believe you would be so careless!” I parade on, “Do you even know how much i’ve thought about being with you… Of having a future with you—I can’t bare the idea of her having your babies…if anyone should, it should be--- she--what?”
“If you’d let me speak. If you’d listened. Answered my fucking calls. I would have told you. She’s not pregnant.”
I gawp. “Courtney- She’s not?”
“She thought she was. In fact, by fault of being a woman,” he looks up at the ceiling, and shakes his head, “she was convinced she was…She hadn’t even done a fucking test, before she broke the goddamn news about having an abortion!” He groans in memory, "I can’t believe someone can be so damned irrational. But hey, then again, there's you."
Relief courses through my veins. I’ve never felt such impending happiness. “Really?…Really?” Really?
He lets out a small laugh. “Really. I drove her to the doctor especially. The test was negative. Nada.”
“Oh my god.” It’s a breath of absolute relief as I collapse against him. “Oh my god. God.” I keep chanting. Thank you. Thank you.
His arms are pure warmth. His fingers brush my hair, and already, tiny flames of desire, spark. I stand in his embrace for a while just soaking his smell, his strength. Him.
He strokes my hair and speaks after a while. I don’t even realise that we’re slowly moving to the music. “It nearly killed me when she told me she might be pregnant. More then anything else though… I was scared about not being with you—I just can’t bare to be without you Lizzy. I don’t know what I’d do… I--I--"
“I love you.” I finish for him. “God, I love you so much.”
Then I’m crying and grappling at him. I’m on my tip toes, and his hands are in my hair, he’s kissing me. Violently. Pulsing, burning thirst.
His lips are like air to my lungs. Soul to body. Fulfilment to desire. He has everything I need. I’m holding him, kissing him. Perfection. Its perfect because no one cares here. No one cares if we’re friends or lovers. If I’m with Brad or Max. Whether Courtney was pregnant or not. Its just us. Me and Max. We’re the only two that exist right now.
Eventually we come up for air. His moist lips tickle my ear, erotic in its own way. “Shall we get outta here?”
“Please.” I moan heavily, and then like kids, we’re running, pushing past a blur of figures, like our life depends on it.
****
Last edited by Blue*Soul on Tue Jun 28, 2005 2:52 pm, edited 2 times in total.
No Regrets
Chapter 24
Its all a colourful, blinding blur.
I’m in a taxi. Alex looks sleep stricken and surprised at the door step. We’re giggling as we run up the stairs to his room. Max is all over me, around me. His hands. His lips. His tongue.
I let out a moan of crazed ecstasy as he disappears between my legs with that talented, wonderful tongue of his.
I clutch at his hair, writhing, wrapping myself around him tighter.
God, that wonderful, wonderful tongue.
Then the rooms quiet, and I suddenly jerk awake as a feeling of being watched overcomes me.
Did we…? No. We’re still fully clothed, apart from my missing panties, his arms hold me in a cocoon, encasing me against his side. Its been too long since i've woken up with him, breathing like this in my ear, that I need time to savour it.
But before I can take the time, arms grab him, and he’s taken away from me too soon.
Oh…
Oh! Shit.
SHIT.
I jerk upward, eyes following as he's thrown through the air and onto the floor. Those arms, that hair.
F*%^*ing Christ mother of all F&*%ing &&*% ups.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing!!” Brad throws him to the floor, with such heated abundance it takes me a few, to actually recognise him. Max on the other hand, looks shocked from being so brutally awoken from sleep.
“Huh? What--Brad--?”
“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING??!!”
Then the moment hits. Realisation dawns in his eyes and it dawns on me too. I’ve never seen such… anger in Brads eyes, such fury. Nowhere close. It scares me.
“Brad…”
He ignores me. “You fucking dick. I saw everything. Everything.”
Then out of the blue, there’s an un-expectant scream, I turn to see a rather frantic looking Maria run into Max’s room, like she’s just run the marathon. In a blizzard.
“NO! NO! BRAD DON’T!! NO!” Then her eyes wildly scan the room, before focussing, on Brad standing above Max, arms tensely fisted by his sides. “Oh, there you are! Jeez. I thought you would have killed him by now…or at least you know… something.” She says almost resentfully.
“Max and Liz. I knew it.” A mussed looking Alex joins her.
And then in a line, Isabel, Tess, Michael, Kyle.
I should really be used to my life being a public event.
“What. Liz and Max?” Tess cuts him off, she’s almost jumping up and down, and I wish she wouldn’t. Her blonde curls aren’t the only things bouncing.“Liz and Max??”
“I told you, you should have told him.” Isabel's arms are folded. Yet there’s something in her stance that tells, if Brad makes the slightest move toward her brother, she might just jump in front of him and take the blow instead.
“Ditto.” Throws in Maria. “Its been obvious—this 'mix-up’ or whateva you wanna call it, has been going on for ages. It would have saved so much trouble for Liz.”
“Not helping Ria.” I groan. Why? Why is it my personal affairs that are always the discussion of the day?
“Wait, Max and Liz?” Tess asks wildly.
Michael snorts a laughs, joining me on my spectator spot, on the bed. Except, unlike me, he’s enjoying this.
“I knew it from 9 months back.” Alex informs.
“9 months back?” coughs Max, still sitting on the floor, being stopped from moving by a threatening looking Brad. “Like fuck you did.”
“I live with you Max. This things been dragged on for so long, unnecessarily. Plus, I’m a vibe sensor”
“A-- what? And don’t preach before you sort out your own shit.” Alex blushes, because the whole room, apart from Isabel, knows who Max means.
“9 months?” Kyle shakes his head disbelievingly, “am I the only one who just found out like, yesterday?…”
“Ok. Lets not start this.” Maria sighs.
“But why am I always the last?”
“Wait. What’s happening between Max and Liz?!” Tess screeches.
“Quite the question I’m hoping to get an answer for!” Brad bellows.
I squeeze my eyes closed, and bury my head in my arms.
Someone. Anyone. Please make this stop.
“He’s a bastard!” A bundle of not so little fluff, aka, Stitch appears from nowhere. “Beat the shit outta him!!.”
I speak for every face in the room when I say, Eh…?
Then there’s absolute silence. Her words are fuel to his fire. Because Brads face grow a blotchier and blotchier red, and he makes a lunge for Max. They both roll about on the floor, and I can’t bare to look, as Michael jumps of the bed to break it up.
“Brad stop!”
“No. No. NO!!”
“Guys. Break it up!”
“HE’S AN ASSHOLE! He cheated on Liz!! HIT HIM!! HIT HIM.”
“I’m gunna kill you! How long has this been going on for?!”
“Guys. Guys!”
That’s it. I’ve had enough. Enough.
I jump on the bed, and holding my tiny skirt to cover my privates I clear my throat. “SHUT UP! EVERYONE NOW! SHUT UP SHUT UP!”
Maria adds a final, “Listen to her!!!” before she grabs Stitch and covers her mouth, who’s officially becomes Brad cheerleader, as she uses her new found courage to scream on and on about how she hates Max and how he made me cry and she’s going to kill him for it ,if Brad doesn’t. I make a mental note to fill her in on the real story at some point, as I grab Brad and lead him to his room.
He has such an expectant little boy look about him that I almost change my mind. Repeating to myself, that Its now or never. I take a deep breath and blurt out, “I’m sorry Brad.”
There’s silence, and suddenly those words are so meaningless.
“No don’t Liz.” His eyes are blood shot, “ Tell me you were drunk, you were stoned. That he forced you… but not this… no… not this…”
I gulp, and shimmy toward him, still holding my skirt down. “Brad. This is hard enough for me.” Please don’t make me feel even more guilty.
“Oh god. Oh god…” he sounds like he’s in physical pain and for a moment, I think he’s going to cry.
“Brad—“
“Shh!!”
Then there’s extreme silence, as I watch from him in my knickerless state, wondering whether I should speak or not, or if there’s anything I could possibly say that can make it any better. I decide, that there isn’t. So I look on, standing uncomfortably, changing from foot to foot until he speaks.
“I knew it.”
“huh?”
“I knew it all long. I just didn’t want to see it. You’d pull away. Never said you loved me. I knew there was probably something else. Someone else… But I was stupid enough to believe that maybe if I gave you time... If I gave you time, you’d come around.”
The tick-tocking of the clock, is the loudest sound in the room.
“I’m such a horrid person.” I cry, ashamed.
“As much as I truly want to believe that right now, you’re not.” And all over again, he’s the calm, kind hearted Brad I’ve always known. “I have to let you go.” He says it like its his decision, and sudden sense of refined sadness engulfs me.
“I’m so sorry….I met him…. then we had this thing….and I thought he cheated….but he didn’t and I….I don’t know…. I’m just so… weak willed around him. God. I’m an idiot.” I have no idea how he makes any sense of the extreme crap I’ve just blurted out, but Brad understands. He understands in the way he always manages to make sense of the random crap that comes out of my mouth.
“Its called being in love.”
“But I love you too Brad. I do. I always will.”
“Not in the way you love him right?…. You’ll never be in love with me.” He’s speaking with dead certainty.
And he’s spot on.
“But you’ll always be special to me.” I know I’m grasping on post mortem straws, Something. Anything to make the pain less severe.
He snorts and looks the other way, and I lunge forward and grab his hand, and he shakes out my grip. “They’re just false words to me right now. I need time.”
I gulp.
“And I guess… all this… makes it easier… to tell you the reason I came here in the first place.”
I look at him curiously. “This Reds thing is getting really serious. I have to make a decision. I’m going to move. Permanent move. Maybe its what I need.”
“Oh” I manage.
He shakes his head.
I sigh.
He lets out a bitter laugh, and strokes a strand if hair away from my face, and then his demeanour melts, and we’re hugging like it’s the last time we’ll ever see each other again.
****
Things have been taxing since the terms have been laid out, but then again, things have never been so easy. For the first time in this relationship, between Brad and I-- I’ve stopped cheating, lying. For the first time I’m completely honest.
Goodbyes. I still hate them.
This time though, when I hug him off, I let tears fall from my eyes. Farewell, to a boy who I’ll respect with all my heart. Always.
And as I watch his car drive away, into the distance. I feel this silent tug at the pit of my stomach. A realisation that things will never be the same again. Knowing, this moment, pinpoints a change, a existential moment in my life. Something I’ll never forget. Like, the exact look on my mothers face, the night she came to say goodbye, before she left me. How my father didn’t turn up at the Pizzeria...The first time I laid my eyes on Max.
Max’s arms circle me from behind, and I feel protected, warm, as I settle into them and he softly kisses the top of my forehead, as we watch the car disappear, then just stand a while looking into the darkened distance.
Things will be different. But change is a part of life. So are hurt, mistakes and resolution. And life goes on, I guess.
“Come on,” he whispers in my ear, and grabs my hand firmly, as we walk under the dim street lights.
“What can I do?”
“What?”
“To get rid of that kill me now face.”
“Shut it…I’m mourning.”
“No shit.” He laughs, and winks. “Actually I have a few ideas that might be you in a better mood.”
I raise my eyebrow. “Is that so?”
He gives me his, I’m-so-hot-you-know-you-can’t-resist-me, look.
Its rather sad, that even the slightest look manages to make me quiver, so I throw him a penetrative stare, “So, um, Food first?”
“Subway?”
“Ice cream.”
“Are you nuts? its below freezing.”
I give him my pouty face. “Ice cream and choco-chips?”
“No”
“and hot Fudge cake?”
“Oh come on…”
“Strawberries?”
“You have to do better then that”
“Naked Lizzie?”
“You’re on.”
I’m not naïve enough, to believe that it will be roses and fairytales from now on. But as Max and I walk hand in hand, , the chilly air making my eyes sting, arguing in between kisses, about whether Ben and Jerrys or Haagen-Daz is going to be our ice-cream parlour of choice…
I realise, that this is my fairytale and it will be lived, now on, truly, with no regrets.
THE END
Luv ya all…farewell…
Oh, before I run away into the night, I have a little request for when I decide to write future fics.
Best part and worst part of this fic??? If you could let me know, would be appreciated.
Thankies.
Chapter 24
Its all a colourful, blinding blur.
I’m in a taxi. Alex looks sleep stricken and surprised at the door step. We’re giggling as we run up the stairs to his room. Max is all over me, around me. His hands. His lips. His tongue.
I let out a moan of crazed ecstasy as he disappears between my legs with that talented, wonderful tongue of his.
I clutch at his hair, writhing, wrapping myself around him tighter.
God, that wonderful, wonderful tongue.
Then the rooms quiet, and I suddenly jerk awake as a feeling of being watched overcomes me.
Did we…? No. We’re still fully clothed, apart from my missing panties, his arms hold me in a cocoon, encasing me against his side. Its been too long since i've woken up with him, breathing like this in my ear, that I need time to savour it.
But before I can take the time, arms grab him, and he’s taken away from me too soon.
Oh…
Oh! Shit.
SHIT.
I jerk upward, eyes following as he's thrown through the air and onto the floor. Those arms, that hair.
F*%^*ing Christ mother of all F&*%ing &&*% ups.
“What the fuck do you think you’re doing!!” Brad throws him to the floor, with such heated abundance it takes me a few, to actually recognise him. Max on the other hand, looks shocked from being so brutally awoken from sleep.
“Huh? What--Brad--?”
“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU’RE DOING??!!”
Then the moment hits. Realisation dawns in his eyes and it dawns on me too. I’ve never seen such… anger in Brads eyes, such fury. Nowhere close. It scares me.
“Brad…”
He ignores me. “You fucking dick. I saw everything. Everything.”
Then out of the blue, there’s an un-expectant scream, I turn to see a rather frantic looking Maria run into Max’s room, like she’s just run the marathon. In a blizzard.
“NO! NO! BRAD DON’T!! NO!” Then her eyes wildly scan the room, before focussing, on Brad standing above Max, arms tensely fisted by his sides. “Oh, there you are! Jeez. I thought you would have killed him by now…or at least you know… something.” She says almost resentfully.
“Max and Liz. I knew it.” A mussed looking Alex joins her.
And then in a line, Isabel, Tess, Michael, Kyle.
I should really be used to my life being a public event.
“What. Liz and Max?” Tess cuts him off, she’s almost jumping up and down, and I wish she wouldn’t. Her blonde curls aren’t the only things bouncing.“Liz and Max??”
“I told you, you should have told him.” Isabel's arms are folded. Yet there’s something in her stance that tells, if Brad makes the slightest move toward her brother, she might just jump in front of him and take the blow instead.
“Ditto.” Throws in Maria. “Its been obvious—this 'mix-up’ or whateva you wanna call it, has been going on for ages. It would have saved so much trouble for Liz.”
“Not helping Ria.” I groan. Why? Why is it my personal affairs that are always the discussion of the day?
“Wait, Max and Liz?” Tess asks wildly.
Michael snorts a laughs, joining me on my spectator spot, on the bed. Except, unlike me, he’s enjoying this.
“I knew it from 9 months back.” Alex informs.
“9 months back?” coughs Max, still sitting on the floor, being stopped from moving by a threatening looking Brad. “Like fuck you did.”
“I live with you Max. This things been dragged on for so long, unnecessarily. Plus, I’m a vibe sensor”
“A-- what? And don’t preach before you sort out your own shit.” Alex blushes, because the whole room, apart from Isabel, knows who Max means.
“9 months?” Kyle shakes his head disbelievingly, “am I the only one who just found out like, yesterday?…”
“Ok. Lets not start this.” Maria sighs.
“But why am I always the last?”
“Wait. What’s happening between Max and Liz?!” Tess screeches.
“Quite the question I’m hoping to get an answer for!” Brad bellows.
I squeeze my eyes closed, and bury my head in my arms.
Someone. Anyone. Please make this stop.
“He’s a bastard!” A bundle of not so little fluff, aka, Stitch appears from nowhere. “Beat the shit outta him!!.”
I speak for every face in the room when I say, Eh…?
Then there’s absolute silence. Her words are fuel to his fire. Because Brads face grow a blotchier and blotchier red, and he makes a lunge for Max. They both roll about on the floor, and I can’t bare to look, as Michael jumps of the bed to break it up.
“Brad stop!”
“No. No. NO!!”
“Guys. Break it up!”
“HE’S AN ASSHOLE! He cheated on Liz!! HIT HIM!! HIT HIM.”
“I’m gunna kill you! How long has this been going on for?!”
“Guys. Guys!”
That’s it. I’ve had enough. Enough.
I jump on the bed, and holding my tiny skirt to cover my privates I clear my throat. “SHUT UP! EVERYONE NOW! SHUT UP SHUT UP!”
Maria adds a final, “Listen to her!!!” before she grabs Stitch and covers her mouth, who’s officially becomes Brad cheerleader, as she uses her new found courage to scream on and on about how she hates Max and how he made me cry and she’s going to kill him for it ,if Brad doesn’t. I make a mental note to fill her in on the real story at some point, as I grab Brad and lead him to his room.
He has such an expectant little boy look about him that I almost change my mind. Repeating to myself, that Its now or never. I take a deep breath and blurt out, “I’m sorry Brad.”
There’s silence, and suddenly those words are so meaningless.
“No don’t Liz.” His eyes are blood shot, “ Tell me you were drunk, you were stoned. That he forced you… but not this… no… not this…”
I gulp, and shimmy toward him, still holding my skirt down. “Brad. This is hard enough for me.” Please don’t make me feel even more guilty.
“Oh god. Oh god…” he sounds like he’s in physical pain and for a moment, I think he’s going to cry.
“Brad—“
“Shh!!”
Then there’s extreme silence, as I watch from him in my knickerless state, wondering whether I should speak or not, or if there’s anything I could possibly say that can make it any better. I decide, that there isn’t. So I look on, standing uncomfortably, changing from foot to foot until he speaks.
“I knew it.”
“huh?”
“I knew it all long. I just didn’t want to see it. You’d pull away. Never said you loved me. I knew there was probably something else. Someone else… But I was stupid enough to believe that maybe if I gave you time... If I gave you time, you’d come around.”
The tick-tocking of the clock, is the loudest sound in the room.
“I’m such a horrid person.” I cry, ashamed.
“As much as I truly want to believe that right now, you’re not.” And all over again, he’s the calm, kind hearted Brad I’ve always known. “I have to let you go.” He says it like its his decision, and sudden sense of refined sadness engulfs me.
“I’m so sorry….I met him…. then we had this thing….and I thought he cheated….but he didn’t and I….I don’t know…. I’m just so… weak willed around him. God. I’m an idiot.” I have no idea how he makes any sense of the extreme crap I’ve just blurted out, but Brad understands. He understands in the way he always manages to make sense of the random crap that comes out of my mouth.
“Its called being in love.”
“But I love you too Brad. I do. I always will.”
“Not in the way you love him right?…. You’ll never be in love with me.” He’s speaking with dead certainty.
And he’s spot on.
“But you’ll always be special to me.” I know I’m grasping on post mortem straws, Something. Anything to make the pain less severe.
He snorts and looks the other way, and I lunge forward and grab his hand, and he shakes out my grip. “They’re just false words to me right now. I need time.”
I gulp.
“And I guess… all this… makes it easier… to tell you the reason I came here in the first place.”
I look at him curiously. “This Reds thing is getting really serious. I have to make a decision. I’m going to move. Permanent move. Maybe its what I need.”
“Oh” I manage.
He shakes his head.
I sigh.
He lets out a bitter laugh, and strokes a strand if hair away from my face, and then his demeanour melts, and we’re hugging like it’s the last time we’ll ever see each other again.
****
Things have been taxing since the terms have been laid out, but then again, things have never been so easy. For the first time in this relationship, between Brad and I-- I’ve stopped cheating, lying. For the first time I’m completely honest.
Goodbyes. I still hate them.
This time though, when I hug him off, I let tears fall from my eyes. Farewell, to a boy who I’ll respect with all my heart. Always.
And as I watch his car drive away, into the distance. I feel this silent tug at the pit of my stomach. A realisation that things will never be the same again. Knowing, this moment, pinpoints a change, a existential moment in my life. Something I’ll never forget. Like, the exact look on my mothers face, the night she came to say goodbye, before she left me. How my father didn’t turn up at the Pizzeria...The first time I laid my eyes on Max.
Max’s arms circle me from behind, and I feel protected, warm, as I settle into them and he softly kisses the top of my forehead, as we watch the car disappear, then just stand a while looking into the darkened distance.
Things will be different. But change is a part of life. So are hurt, mistakes and resolution. And life goes on, I guess.
“Come on,” he whispers in my ear, and grabs my hand firmly, as we walk under the dim street lights.
“What can I do?”
“What?”
“To get rid of that kill me now face.”
“Shut it…I’m mourning.”
“No shit.” He laughs, and winks. “Actually I have a few ideas that might be you in a better mood.”
I raise my eyebrow. “Is that so?”
He gives me his, I’m-so-hot-you-know-you-can’t-resist-me, look.
Its rather sad, that even the slightest look manages to make me quiver, so I throw him a penetrative stare, “So, um, Food first?”
“Subway?”
“Ice cream.”
“Are you nuts? its below freezing.”
I give him my pouty face. “Ice cream and choco-chips?”
“No”
“and hot Fudge cake?”
“Oh come on…”
“Strawberries?”
“You have to do better then that”
“Naked Lizzie?”
“You’re on.”
I’m not naïve enough, to believe that it will be roses and fairytales from now on. But as Max and I walk hand in hand, , the chilly air making my eyes sting, arguing in between kisses, about whether Ben and Jerrys or Haagen-Daz is going to be our ice-cream parlour of choice…
I realise, that this is my fairytale and it will be lived, now on, truly, with no regrets.
THE END
Luv ya all…farewell…
Oh, before I run away into the night, I have a little request for when I decide to write future fics.
Best part and worst part of this fic??? If you could let me know, would be appreciated.
Thankies.