Posted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 5:22 pm
First, we'd like to thank everyone, once again, for voting for us for Combined Author. It's a total honor, and we're very, very flattered. Second, we'd like to thank you all for being so extremely patient. The days are passing us by without even giving us a chance to think about them, so it's hard to get parts out in a timely manner. We ARE trying to improve, though.
dreamerfrvrp3 and I have gotten into many debates over the last few parts (and probably many more to come). I rationalize Max's thoughts to myself, while she's ratonalizing Liz to herself, and we both tend to clash over the other's actions. She feels like Max is acting like an ass/"manwhore". I think that Max has valid reasons for his reactions. I feel like Liz is acting like an ass. She feels like Liz has reasons. It's making for some very interesting writing. We've both taken our characters under our wings, so it's very much like us acting like a mother protecting their child. Either way, know that we're up there debating fault and motive and consequence with the rest of you and playing devil's advocate for the other. I think that's what makes writing this so much... fun.
begonia9508
sylvia37: I'm on your side, with the whole not liking Liz thing.
LairaBehr4
Emz80m
behrluv32
confusedfool
Alien614
Thursday' s Child
maya
Queenie_Zan7
thetvgeneral
clueless
Alien_Friend
ShatteredDreamer
Shadowlynxbehr
Ms_BuffyAnneSummers
Tamashii
Nz_Roswell
LegalAlien
max and liz believer
Roswell3053
Part 8
Max POV
The Pretender
Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began
Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones go marching in... again
The need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are at the ready
Are you ready?
I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole defense
Spinning infinity, boy
The wheel is spinning me
It's never-ending, never-ending
Same old story
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
In time our soul untold
I'm just another soul for sale... oh, well
The page is out of print
We are not permanent
We're temporary, temporary
Same old story
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
I'm the voice inside your head
You refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face
Mirrored in your stare
I'm what's left, I'm what's right
I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that will take you down
Bring you to your knees
So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
(You know they all... pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
I wake slowly, feeling the weight of her naked torso on top of mine. Her head is resting just below my chin. We had sex three times last night. She initiated the last two rounds. I started off slowly, but I quickly learned what made her scream my name.
She shifts slightly and her eyes flutter open. She looks up at me and gives me a small smile before sitting up in bed, stretching. The sheets fall off of her and I’m once more allowed to look upon her naked chest. She smiles devilishly and then leaves the bed, not caring that she’s completely naked.
She gathers up her clothes and her purse, and she heads into my bathroom. I use the time to throw on a pair of boxers and a pair of pajama bottoms.
When she emerges fully clothed, she speaks confidently, “I’ve got to get going. Thank you for last night. It was amazing.”
She stresses the last word and then looks my body up and down, smiling.
I grin back, “Yeah, it was.”
She heads over to the door and unlocks it. I follow her out of the room. We pass an awestruck Alex and Michael sitting in the living room. I open the door to the apartment for her and she turns to me. We kiss one last kiss, and then she speaks, loud enough for everyone to hear, “Call me if you ever want to do this again.”
And then she’s gone.
I close the door and turn back into the apartment.
Alex looks utterly shocked. Michael’s jaw is practically on the floor. I raise an eyebrow, “You guys okay?”
“What the hell does she see in you?” Michael laughs slightly.
I frown, “What does Maria see in you?”
“Touché.”
“When did you meet her?” Alex asks.
“Last night.” I shrug.
Michael nods, obviously impressed, “Sealing the deal in one night. I’m proud.”
“You slept with her?” Alex asks yet another question.
Michael scoffs at him, “Didn’t you hear them last night? Hell, the bed slammed against the wall enough times.” He pauses, and then looks at me, “She was a total screamer. I was surprised Isabel didn’t hear it and storm up here. If I had to hear ‘Oh… MAX! MAX!’ one more time, I was going to jump out of my window.”
Alex shrugs, “I’m a heavy sleeper.”
“Heavy doesn’t even begin to describe it.” Michael rolls his eyes.
I shrug and get a glass of water out of the kitchen.
Alex calls out to me, and I ignore him. I walk into my bedroom, reflecting on the events of last night. I wish I could say that I regret it, but I don’t. It made me realize that I have been a doormat my entire life. I have sat around and let people make decisions for me, instead of standing up and doing things for myself. I’ve been watching life from the sidelines.
I’m twenty years old; I’m in my sexual prime. I can take a stand and do what I want with my life.
Maybe it took something pushing me away from my comfort zone for me to come to that realization. Having sex with Pam was like opening up a world of possibilities.
But still, I feel like there’s something just out of my reach, something that I can’t control. I loved the control that I had last night. I loved having Pam react to my touch. I loved having the control for once.
I could really get used to the feeling.
I walk into my bathroom, intent on showering and then heading over to Tess’s to see how the rest of her night went, when I see something that makes me raise my eyebrows. Pam’s number is scrawled up on my mirror in the pink lipstick that she was wearing last night. Beneath the digits, she wrote: Call me. XOXO Pam. Beneath that is the shape of her lips, from her kissing the mirror.
I smirk and then make my way into the shower. My first extended sexual experience, and the girl thinks I’m amazing.
Maybe love just isn’t for me. I held on to the idea for such a long time that it’s blinded me from the harsh realities of life. I’m giving up on love, because love has given up on me.
I don’t feel any remorse, either.
Then again, if I’m so content with my actions, why do I feel like something’s… off?
An hour later, I’m knocking on the door of Tess’s apartment. My mind briefly goes to the other apartment in this building that I’m familiar with, and I wonder if Kyle’s now waking up with Liz on his chest… I shake the thought away. I can’t think about that. I won’t. Tess opens the door, fully clothed, and looking like she’s been awake all morning.
“Where did you go at the club last night?” She asks innocently, letting me into her apartment, “I was worried.”
“I told Sean to let you know I was leaving,” I defend. “I left… with…”
“You left with someone?” She asks sharply, her eyes narrowing, “Max Evans, what the hell did you do last night?”
I narrow my eyes right back at her, “Not this time, Tess. I’m not going to feel bad about it. I made the decision.”
“Who was it?” She closes her eyes, almost like she’s frustrated with me.
“Her name is Pam,” I shrug, “I’ve seen her around campus a few times.”
Tess sets her jaw, her voice quaking with unnamed emotion, “When I told you to go out and meet new people, I didn’t mean go out and fuck the first thing that batted its eyelashes in your direction.”
“Didn’t you, though?” I shake my head angrily, “You told me to shatter my vision of Liz and of waiting for the right person. You’re the one who told me to go ahead with this.”
“I didn’t mean it like that!” She shouts.
I shrug, “Doesn’t seem to matter. It’s over and done with.”
“And what are you going to do if Liz calls you, begging for your forgiveness?”
I shrug, “Nothing. I’m not going to be her doormat anymore, Tess. I won’t sit there and be the friend that everyone uses, but no one respects.”
“I respect you. At least, I thought I did,” She shoots back, “Little did I know that by one impulsive move to try and cheer up my friend, I was opening up Pandora’s box.”
“Pandora’s box?” I say, and it drips off of my tongue like acid, “Is that what this is?”
“Yes, it is.” Tess retorts.
I groan, throwing my hands in the air and moving towards the door. Tess is not seeing things from my point of view right now. I look back over my shoulder, “I’ll see you later, Tess.”
“Where are you going?”
“Home, I guess.”
“No,” she begs. “You should stay. We can call up some landlords and go apartment hunting. C’mon, it’ll be fun.” She doesn’t want me to be alone. She probably thinks that I’m planning on going home and getting wasted. The thought is tempting.
“Fine.”
We look around for the rest of the day. Tess and I find a few apartments in the neighborhood that are all in my price range. I’m going to start a job working as a part-time assistant at a law firm in a few weeks, so I’ll have a better, more constant flow of money.
I get home utterly exhausted.
My room is clean, but I want to wash the sheets. I throw them into the washing machine. I am about to throw the pair of jeans I was wearing last night into the wash, but then I remember the girl who gave me her number before Pam came up to me. I remove the piece of paper from the back pocket and hold on to it. I start the washing machine.
I program her number into my phone, along with Pam’s, and then lay down on my stripped bed. My thoughts drift to Liz. I fall into a light sleep.
I awaken, thinking that someone had knocked on the door, but then I realize it must have been in my dream. The knock was far too light for it to have actually existed. I close my eyes. I think that I can feel Liz’s presence, but I can’t imagine why.
Five days later, I’ve hung out with Tess, but I feel like there are things that she isn’t saying to me. Five days later, Michael and Alex have become more distant. Five days later, I still think about Liz at least once an hour. Five days later, I invite the redhead to go to a party with me. She agrees.
We get to the party and get comfortable. Her name is Jessica. Jessica is into drama. Jessica likes The Ataris. Jessica tells me that she’s horny. At least we have something in common.
I lean forward and capture her lips in mine. She’s more than willing. Before I know it, we’ve been making out for quite a while. We break apart only when some drunkard stumbles into the two of us. I gasp for air, smiling.
Past her head, I think I get a glimpse of two tall blondes and a short brunette hurrying from the party. But it was probably my imagination.
We go to Jessica’s apartment. She’s just moved in. There are still boxes everywhere. We “christen” the kitchen, living room and bedroom. I leave in the morning, the same way Pam left me.
I was in control again. I loved the control. She wanted me. She begged for me. She screamed for me. She appreciated me. But we both don’t want relationships. She did, after all, just move here. And me? I’m not a one woman guy. Not anymore.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think I might take a break in the “festivities” tonight. I caught up with some studying earlier. A lot of girls in my classes have started to give me more attention. I don’t know why. I only spent one night with Pam. Apparently she just has a really, really big mouth. Heh heh.
Isabel would kill me if she knew I just thought something like that. Maria would probably murder me. I swear I was taught to treat women with respect. That lasted until I learned that they are soul sucking sirens. Women suck.
Who knows where Michael and Alex are. Probably at Isabel and Maria’s. I need my own place. This arrangement is sickening. I’m suffocating. Don’t they have other friends? What would they do if they broke up? Oh. I know. Be miserable. Because that’s what happens when your best friend is the person you love. I would know.
I’m going to enjoy their absence. Time to myself. They keep giving me glares. I hate it. They need to keep out of my business. So I’ll watch some TV, probably. And order in. I actually think there’s anew café down the road that delivers. Yeah. That works.
I pick up the phone and order a teriyaki chicken wrap and a Tangy Mango smoothie. At least it’s healthy. I’ve been eating like crap lately. I take it back. I’ve been drinking lately. And doing very limited eating. The food will be here in twenty minutes. I sit down and turn ESPN on. Hockey again. But I don’t think I’m in the mood for sports. I change it to Man With the Golden Gun. Classic 007. Gotta love it. Plus, I can get lost in this reality and forget about…
KNOCK KNOCK
Yes! Food! Although… that was fast. I open the door, “Wow, you guys are… Liz.”
She’s here. At my apartment. In my doorway. Liz. God, she’s beautiful. I hate her for it. I glare, “What? Need me to fuck you again? Kyle want someone more experienced?” I gesture for her to come into the apartment, “You know where my bed is. I’m told I’m getting good at fucking. Maybe this time you won’t leave in tears.”
Her mouth opens and closes in shock. She’s not sure what to do. She looks at her feet, “I guess I deserve that.”
And more. She’s put me through hell. I’m still there, really. In Hell. Because of her. “What, then? Run out of condoms? Kyle unprepared? Or are you just insatiable? Did you even tell him about what happened? C’mon, Liz, I don’t have all night. I’ve got to meet Pam tonight.” Lie. I’m a liar. She hurt me. I don’t want her to know it, though. I’m a defensive bastard.
“I came to apologize.” She’s looking me in the eyes now. “I’m sorry, Max. I was selfish and blind. I know what I did was wrong. I’m just… god, I don’t know how to make this better, but I wanted you to know that I’m sorry. I didn’t ever want to lose your friendship. I’m sorry.”
“I don’t accept your apology,” I state coldly. “I can’t pretend like I believe you, because I don’t. I don’t trust you anymore, Liz. Obviously you aren’t the girl I thought I knew.”
“Max…”
I shake my head. “No. Stop. I don’t care.”
She scoffs, “Oh I can see that.” She’s getting angry, “That much was clear when you slept with Pam Troy.”
“That is none of your business.”
“So you did?” She blanches.
“Yeah, I did. Three times in one night. It was amazing.” I’m a bastard. I know it. “She was amazing. Orgasmic, even.” I don’t know how, but a piece of me feels bad for reacting like this. But I’m in control. She’s the one confused. She’ll walk out of this hurt. Her, not me. That’s important. She hurt me enough for an entire lifetime.
She shakes her head, “I didn’t want to believe it when I first heard. I thought you were better than one night stands.”
I laugh bitterly, “I used to believe that I was, too. Until someone made me realize that meaningless sex is the best thing ever. Who needs love anymore?”
“I do.”
“Yeah, you’re the poster child for abstinence until marriage. Go tell it to Kyle, Liz. I don’t want to hear it.”
I hate her. How dare she come here, apologize, and criticize my lifestyle. I had her blocked out of my mind, hidden somewhere in the depths where I could control it. Her showing up here, to my home, and forcing me to face her was never in the plan.
She stares at me. “We broke up, Max. The night you came to his apartment. He heard everything and we broke up.”
I cackle, “How perfect… you fuck me to make Kyle want you, and it turns out that he doesn’t want you because you fucked me. Someone should write a fuckin’ poem about it.” I go into the kitchen and get a beer. I pop it open and take a long sip.
Liz follows me. She’s almost in tears. I’m fighting every urge in my body to not rush to her and comfort her. She hurt me. She hurt me. She hurt me. I won’t be vulnerable again. I won’t be her doormat. “It wasn’t like that. He… I…”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” I have to be detached. I have to fight against my emotions. I need to think with my head, not my heart. I can’t comfort her. I can’t let her win. I won’t surrender.
“So, you’re seeing Pam again?” I can’t believe she has the nerve to ask. Her, in her little timid manner, her eyes all red and puffy, looking beautifully flustered… Stop it, Max. Keep it together.
“No. We’re fucking again.” I love the way she flinches when I say it like that. It bothers her. She used to preach how sex had something to do with love. Hypocrite.
She nods, “Oh.”
I continue, coldly, detaching myself further and turning away from her, “Maybe if I get done with Pam early, I can go see Jessica. And what about you? Want to be round three tonight, Lizzie?”
I turn back. She’s offended. Very, very offended.
I’m acting unaffected. I shake my head, “No, of course not. You just needed something to break your hymen, really, didn’t you? It was never about the person who would break it…”
“It wasn’t like that!” She raises her voice, “I went to you because you were my best friend… I needed a friend…”
“You needed a dick.” I correct her sharply.
She tries to deny it, “No, it was…”
I shake my head again. She continues, “Stop acting like this! I’m sorry, okay? If I could redo anything in my life, it would be that night.” She softens, “I didn’t know you were a virgin, Max.”
That makes me snap. “Get the fuck out.” I point towards the door. She doesn’t move. I raise my voice, “Get the fuck out of my apartment!”
She takes a few steps towards the door, “Max…”
“Fuck off. Leave. Go away. Be anywhere but here.” I set my jaw, pointing at the door. She turns and leaves, her eyes brimming with tears again. I’m panting with rage. How dare she bring that up? How dare she come here for an acceptance of her apology? I hate her. She makes me lose control.
I need control. I crave it. I pull out my phone and call Pam. I could use some control. And some alcohol.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I haven’t talked to Isabel, Maria, Alex, or Michael in five days. It’s been three days since I talked to Liz. Isabel has tried to talk to me. I ignore her. My mom and dad left a voicemail saying that they’re worried about me. I sent them both a text message back saying that I was busy, and for them not to worry. They probably didn’t believe me. But it will have to do for now. I have to give myself time to fall into this new lifestyle. I’m finalizing a rent contract tomorrow at my new building. The new apartment’s a few blocks away from this one. If I moved any further, Isabel would have a major shit fit. She’s going to have a minor shit fit when she realizes I’m moving. I can make it up to her if I give her permission to decorate, though. Except I think Tess already has some decoration plans. None of them even know that I’m moving. Only Tess knows. I don’t care. I don’t relate to them anymore. I’m a new person. This is my way of starting a new life.
I lean against the outside of my apartment building, gazing blankly into the street. I lift the cigarette to my lips and take a drag, closing my eyes and leaning my head back against the wall. I bought my first pack last night, after Pam gave me one when she was sated and I felt like I was back in control. The first two weren’t so enjoyable. This one is. It takes my mind off of things.
There’s a cold voice from my left, “Since when do you smoke?”
“Since when do you care?” I reply, opening my eyes and gazing at Isabel warily.
Her eyes soften. She reaches forward, touching my arm, “Max, stop avoiding me. I came by your apartment six times in the last three days. You weren’t there any of the times. I’ve called you on multiple occasions, but you keep sending the calls to voicemail.”
She’s right. I have been. I nod and take another drag. Before she can narrow her eyes any further, I exhale the smoke and sigh, “I haven’t walked away yet, have I?”
“Can we talk?”
I can tell that she’s hurting from me ignoring her. I shrug, “About?”
“Everything. We haven’t talked much lately. I miss you. You’re my twin brother, Max.” She removes her hand from my arm, sticking it into her coat pocket, “It hurts when you avoid me like this.”
“I’ve got a lot going on.” I flick the ashes off the end of my cigarette. She stands her ground. I nod warily, “Where do you want to go?”
“My apartment?”
I shake my head. She seems to understand.
“Yours?”
I consider it. I take the last drag of the cigarette, exhale and then stamp the cigarette out with my foot. “Alex and Michael home?”
She frowns, “No. They went to a hockey game.”
I nod. “Okay.”
We go up to my soon to be former apartment. She immediately starts making a pot of coffee. We both sit down at the kitchen table. She’s concerned. I can see it in her eyes. I haven’t shaved since Liz came by. I probably look a little ragged. “How are you?”
Those three words are asking a hell of a lot. “Been better.” I can talk to Isabel. Something tells me she would understand. “But that’s not why you’re here?”
She smiles lightly, “You’re right. I just… this whole thing with Liz…” I tense. She notices. “I want you to know that I’m going to stick with you through it, Max. She’s a good friend, but you’re my brother. She’s obviously did a terrible thing and hurt you. I’m here for you.”
“I’m moving, Isabel.” I have to tell her. She’s my sister. She’ll understand.
The color drains from her face, “To where?”
“A few blocks from here. Not far.”
Some of the color returns. She laughs, “I thought you meant moving across the country.” She straightens out her expression, “Is it because of what happened?”
I nod. I won’t lie. “I can’t take it anymore. Alex is one of her best friends. And Michael, he’s dating her other best friend. Her room is right above mine. There are too many memories here.”
“You’re going to be able to pay your own rent?” She’s skeptical. I don’t blame her. I would be if I were her, too.
I give her a light smile, “I got that job I applied for.”
She beams, “Congratulations!! Max, that’s awesome! Did you tell Dad? He’d be so proud…”
Evans & Associates. My dad’s law firm back in New Mexico. I didn’t want to mooch off of him to get a start with my career. Maybe, if it fits, I’ll go back after law school and work for the family company. I haven’t decided yet. “No. I haven’t talked to them recently.”
“You should. You know how Mom gets. She’ll be on a plane out here if you don’t talk to her for more than a week or two…”
I laugh, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
“What happened to you and Michael? I thought he was your best friend, right after Liz. You two don’t hang out at all anymore.”
“He’s always with Maria.” It’s true. She knows it is. Maria would support Liz no matter what. They’ve been friends that long. Maria would bug me to talk to Liz, to listen to Liz, to help Liz. I can’t take that.
She sighs, “I think you should talk to him. He’ll make time for you if you ask him to.”
I need time away - to think. That’s why I’m moving. I have to. It’s not that I’m turning my back on all of my friends; I need the space so that I can get my new life situated. I’ve always depended on that group for everything. It’s time I act independently of them to find myself. It’s always been the six of us. I need it to be only me right now. I need the freedom so I can gain control. I shrug.
“You know that if you want to talk… about Liz or anything… you can always call me, right?” She timidly tries to reconnect our twin bonding.
“Yeah, I do. Thanks.” I nod my appreciation.
She lifts an eyebrow. “Good. That means I can tell you how disgusting smoking is. Do you know how many carcinogens are in one cigarette?! Max, we have a family history of lung cancer. What the hell are you thinking?”
I glare at her out of principle, but I’m glad I have Isabel back to talk to. She always supports my final decisions. “I haven’t decided if it’s going to be habit yet, Isabel. I’m giving it a test run.”
“Oh yeah?” She presses, “And what about your other uh… lifestyle changes?”
“I’m not talking about this.” It’s time to put my foot down. I’ll talk to her about anything other than the alcohol and the sex. The alcohol makes me forget. The sex puts me in control. I need both of those things right now. I crave them.
She admits defeat. “Okay, fine.” She stands, brushing off her immaculate outfit. “I’ve got to go upstairs and study. I’ve got a Chem test in an hour and I want to brush up on a few things before I head to class.”
I nod, kiss her on the cheek and tell her good luck.
She thanks me, wrinkles her nose and tells me I smell like smoke.
I call after her, “And Isabel? Want to help Tess decorate my new place?”
She beams, nodding frantically. I laugh to myself and go into my room to start packing up my stuff. I’ll keep my door closed against Michael and Alex and hide the boxes for as long as possible. I don’t want them to make a big deal about me moving out.
I open my window and light another cigarette.
TBC...
Song The Pretender by The Foo Fighters
dreamerfrvrp3 and I have gotten into many debates over the last few parts (and probably many more to come). I rationalize Max's thoughts to myself, while she's ratonalizing Liz to herself, and we both tend to clash over the other's actions. She feels like Max is acting like an ass/"manwhore". I think that Max has valid reasons for his reactions. I feel like Liz is acting like an ass. She feels like Liz has reasons. It's making for some very interesting writing. We've both taken our characters under our wings, so it's very much like us acting like a mother protecting their child. Either way, know that we're up there debating fault and motive and consequence with the rest of you and playing devil's advocate for the other. I think that's what makes writing this so much... fun.
begonia9508
sylvia37: I'm on your side, with the whole not liking Liz thing.
LairaBehr4
Emz80m
behrluv32
confusedfool
Alien614
Thursday' s Child
maya
Queenie_Zan7
thetvgeneral
clueless
Alien_Friend
ShatteredDreamer
Shadowlynxbehr
Ms_BuffyAnneSummers
Tamashii
Nz_Roswell
LegalAlien
max and liz believer
Roswell3053
Part 8
Max POV
The Pretender
Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
Keep you in the dark
And so it all began
Send in your skeletons
Sing as their bones go marching in... again
The need you buried deep
The secrets that you keep are at the ready
Are you ready?
I'm finished making sense
Done pleading ignorance
That whole defense
Spinning infinity, boy
The wheel is spinning me
It's never-ending, never-ending
Same old story
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
In time our soul untold
I'm just another soul for sale... oh, well
The page is out of print
We are not permanent
We're temporary, temporary
Same old story
What if I say I'm not like the others?
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
I'm the voice inside your head
You refuse to hear
I'm the face that you have to face
Mirrored in your stare
I'm what's left, I'm what's right
I'm the enemy
I'm the hand that will take you down
Bring you to your knees
So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Keep you in the dark
You know they all pretend
What if I say I'm not like the others?
(Keep you in the dark)
What if I say I'm not just another one of your plays
(You know they all... pretend)
You're the pretender
What if I say I will never surrender?
So who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
Yeah, who are you?
I wake slowly, feeling the weight of her naked torso on top of mine. Her head is resting just below my chin. We had sex three times last night. She initiated the last two rounds. I started off slowly, but I quickly learned what made her scream my name.
She shifts slightly and her eyes flutter open. She looks up at me and gives me a small smile before sitting up in bed, stretching. The sheets fall off of her and I’m once more allowed to look upon her naked chest. She smiles devilishly and then leaves the bed, not caring that she’s completely naked.
She gathers up her clothes and her purse, and she heads into my bathroom. I use the time to throw on a pair of boxers and a pair of pajama bottoms.
When she emerges fully clothed, she speaks confidently, “I’ve got to get going. Thank you for last night. It was amazing.”
She stresses the last word and then looks my body up and down, smiling.
I grin back, “Yeah, it was.”
She heads over to the door and unlocks it. I follow her out of the room. We pass an awestruck Alex and Michael sitting in the living room. I open the door to the apartment for her and she turns to me. We kiss one last kiss, and then she speaks, loud enough for everyone to hear, “Call me if you ever want to do this again.”
And then she’s gone.
I close the door and turn back into the apartment.
Alex looks utterly shocked. Michael’s jaw is practically on the floor. I raise an eyebrow, “You guys okay?”
“What the hell does she see in you?” Michael laughs slightly.
I frown, “What does Maria see in you?”
“Touché.”
“When did you meet her?” Alex asks.
“Last night.” I shrug.
Michael nods, obviously impressed, “Sealing the deal in one night. I’m proud.”
“You slept with her?” Alex asks yet another question.
Michael scoffs at him, “Didn’t you hear them last night? Hell, the bed slammed against the wall enough times.” He pauses, and then looks at me, “She was a total screamer. I was surprised Isabel didn’t hear it and storm up here. If I had to hear ‘Oh… MAX! MAX!’ one more time, I was going to jump out of my window.”
Alex shrugs, “I’m a heavy sleeper.”
“Heavy doesn’t even begin to describe it.” Michael rolls his eyes.
I shrug and get a glass of water out of the kitchen.
Alex calls out to me, and I ignore him. I walk into my bedroom, reflecting on the events of last night. I wish I could say that I regret it, but I don’t. It made me realize that I have been a doormat my entire life. I have sat around and let people make decisions for me, instead of standing up and doing things for myself. I’ve been watching life from the sidelines.
I’m twenty years old; I’m in my sexual prime. I can take a stand and do what I want with my life.
Maybe it took something pushing me away from my comfort zone for me to come to that realization. Having sex with Pam was like opening up a world of possibilities.
But still, I feel like there’s something just out of my reach, something that I can’t control. I loved the control that I had last night. I loved having Pam react to my touch. I loved having the control for once.
I could really get used to the feeling.
I walk into my bathroom, intent on showering and then heading over to Tess’s to see how the rest of her night went, when I see something that makes me raise my eyebrows. Pam’s number is scrawled up on my mirror in the pink lipstick that she was wearing last night. Beneath the digits, she wrote: Call me. XOXO Pam. Beneath that is the shape of her lips, from her kissing the mirror.
I smirk and then make my way into the shower. My first extended sexual experience, and the girl thinks I’m amazing.
Maybe love just isn’t for me. I held on to the idea for such a long time that it’s blinded me from the harsh realities of life. I’m giving up on love, because love has given up on me.
I don’t feel any remorse, either.
Then again, if I’m so content with my actions, why do I feel like something’s… off?
An hour later, I’m knocking on the door of Tess’s apartment. My mind briefly goes to the other apartment in this building that I’m familiar with, and I wonder if Kyle’s now waking up with Liz on his chest… I shake the thought away. I can’t think about that. I won’t. Tess opens the door, fully clothed, and looking like she’s been awake all morning.
“Where did you go at the club last night?” She asks innocently, letting me into her apartment, “I was worried.”
“I told Sean to let you know I was leaving,” I defend. “I left… with…”
“You left with someone?” She asks sharply, her eyes narrowing, “Max Evans, what the hell did you do last night?”
I narrow my eyes right back at her, “Not this time, Tess. I’m not going to feel bad about it. I made the decision.”
“Who was it?” She closes her eyes, almost like she’s frustrated with me.
“Her name is Pam,” I shrug, “I’ve seen her around campus a few times.”
Tess sets her jaw, her voice quaking with unnamed emotion, “When I told you to go out and meet new people, I didn’t mean go out and fuck the first thing that batted its eyelashes in your direction.”
“Didn’t you, though?” I shake my head angrily, “You told me to shatter my vision of Liz and of waiting for the right person. You’re the one who told me to go ahead with this.”
“I didn’t mean it like that!” She shouts.
I shrug, “Doesn’t seem to matter. It’s over and done with.”
“And what are you going to do if Liz calls you, begging for your forgiveness?”
I shrug, “Nothing. I’m not going to be her doormat anymore, Tess. I won’t sit there and be the friend that everyone uses, but no one respects.”
“I respect you. At least, I thought I did,” She shoots back, “Little did I know that by one impulsive move to try and cheer up my friend, I was opening up Pandora’s box.”
“Pandora’s box?” I say, and it drips off of my tongue like acid, “Is that what this is?”
“Yes, it is.” Tess retorts.
I groan, throwing my hands in the air and moving towards the door. Tess is not seeing things from my point of view right now. I look back over my shoulder, “I’ll see you later, Tess.”
“Where are you going?”
“Home, I guess.”
“No,” she begs. “You should stay. We can call up some landlords and go apartment hunting. C’mon, it’ll be fun.” She doesn’t want me to be alone. She probably thinks that I’m planning on going home and getting wasted. The thought is tempting.
“Fine.”
We look around for the rest of the day. Tess and I find a few apartments in the neighborhood that are all in my price range. I’m going to start a job working as a part-time assistant at a law firm in a few weeks, so I’ll have a better, more constant flow of money.
I get home utterly exhausted.
My room is clean, but I want to wash the sheets. I throw them into the washing machine. I am about to throw the pair of jeans I was wearing last night into the wash, but then I remember the girl who gave me her number before Pam came up to me. I remove the piece of paper from the back pocket and hold on to it. I start the washing machine.
I program her number into my phone, along with Pam’s, and then lay down on my stripped bed. My thoughts drift to Liz. I fall into a light sleep.
I awaken, thinking that someone had knocked on the door, but then I realize it must have been in my dream. The knock was far too light for it to have actually existed. I close my eyes. I think that I can feel Liz’s presence, but I can’t imagine why.
Five days later, I’ve hung out with Tess, but I feel like there are things that she isn’t saying to me. Five days later, Michael and Alex have become more distant. Five days later, I still think about Liz at least once an hour. Five days later, I invite the redhead to go to a party with me. She agrees.
We get to the party and get comfortable. Her name is Jessica. Jessica is into drama. Jessica likes The Ataris. Jessica tells me that she’s horny. At least we have something in common.
I lean forward and capture her lips in mine. She’s more than willing. Before I know it, we’ve been making out for quite a while. We break apart only when some drunkard stumbles into the two of us. I gasp for air, smiling.
Past her head, I think I get a glimpse of two tall blondes and a short brunette hurrying from the party. But it was probably my imagination.
We go to Jessica’s apartment. She’s just moved in. There are still boxes everywhere. We “christen” the kitchen, living room and bedroom. I leave in the morning, the same way Pam left me.
I was in control again. I loved the control. She wanted me. She begged for me. She screamed for me. She appreciated me. But we both don’t want relationships. She did, after all, just move here. And me? I’m not a one woman guy. Not anymore.
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I think I might take a break in the “festivities” tonight. I caught up with some studying earlier. A lot of girls in my classes have started to give me more attention. I don’t know why. I only spent one night with Pam. Apparently she just has a really, really big mouth. Heh heh.
Isabel would kill me if she knew I just thought something like that. Maria would probably murder me. I swear I was taught to treat women with respect. That lasted until I learned that they are soul sucking sirens. Women suck.
Who knows where Michael and Alex are. Probably at Isabel and Maria’s. I need my own place. This arrangement is sickening. I’m suffocating. Don’t they have other friends? What would they do if they broke up? Oh. I know. Be miserable. Because that’s what happens when your best friend is the person you love. I would know.
I’m going to enjoy their absence. Time to myself. They keep giving me glares. I hate it. They need to keep out of my business. So I’ll watch some TV, probably. And order in. I actually think there’s anew café down the road that delivers. Yeah. That works.
I pick up the phone and order a teriyaki chicken wrap and a Tangy Mango smoothie. At least it’s healthy. I’ve been eating like crap lately. I take it back. I’ve been drinking lately. And doing very limited eating. The food will be here in twenty minutes. I sit down and turn ESPN on. Hockey again. But I don’t think I’m in the mood for sports. I change it to Man With the Golden Gun. Classic 007. Gotta love it. Plus, I can get lost in this reality and forget about…
KNOCK KNOCK
Yes! Food! Although… that was fast. I open the door, “Wow, you guys are… Liz.”
She’s here. At my apartment. In my doorway. Liz. God, she’s beautiful. I hate her for it. I glare, “What? Need me to fuck you again? Kyle want someone more experienced?” I gesture for her to come into the apartment, “You know where my bed is. I’m told I’m getting good at fucking. Maybe this time you won’t leave in tears.”
Her mouth opens and closes in shock. She’s not sure what to do. She looks at her feet, “I guess I deserve that.”
And more. She’s put me through hell. I’m still there, really. In Hell. Because of her. “What, then? Run out of condoms? Kyle unprepared? Or are you just insatiable? Did you even tell him about what happened? C’mon, Liz, I don’t have all night. I’ve got to meet Pam tonight.” Lie. I’m a liar. She hurt me. I don’t want her to know it, though. I’m a defensive bastard.
“I came to apologize.” She’s looking me in the eyes now. “I’m sorry, Max. I was selfish and blind. I know what I did was wrong. I’m just… god, I don’t know how to make this better, but I wanted you to know that I’m sorry. I didn’t ever want to lose your friendship. I’m sorry.”
“I don’t accept your apology,” I state coldly. “I can’t pretend like I believe you, because I don’t. I don’t trust you anymore, Liz. Obviously you aren’t the girl I thought I knew.”
“Max…”
I shake my head. “No. Stop. I don’t care.”
She scoffs, “Oh I can see that.” She’s getting angry, “That much was clear when you slept with Pam Troy.”
“That is none of your business.”
“So you did?” She blanches.
“Yeah, I did. Three times in one night. It was amazing.” I’m a bastard. I know it. “She was amazing. Orgasmic, even.” I don’t know how, but a piece of me feels bad for reacting like this. But I’m in control. She’s the one confused. She’ll walk out of this hurt. Her, not me. That’s important. She hurt me enough for an entire lifetime.
She shakes her head, “I didn’t want to believe it when I first heard. I thought you were better than one night stands.”
I laugh bitterly, “I used to believe that I was, too. Until someone made me realize that meaningless sex is the best thing ever. Who needs love anymore?”
“I do.”
“Yeah, you’re the poster child for abstinence until marriage. Go tell it to Kyle, Liz. I don’t want to hear it.”
I hate her. How dare she come here, apologize, and criticize my lifestyle. I had her blocked out of my mind, hidden somewhere in the depths where I could control it. Her showing up here, to my home, and forcing me to face her was never in the plan.
She stares at me. “We broke up, Max. The night you came to his apartment. He heard everything and we broke up.”
I cackle, “How perfect… you fuck me to make Kyle want you, and it turns out that he doesn’t want you because you fucked me. Someone should write a fuckin’ poem about it.” I go into the kitchen and get a beer. I pop it open and take a long sip.
Liz follows me. She’s almost in tears. I’m fighting every urge in my body to not rush to her and comfort her. She hurt me. She hurt me. She hurt me. I won’t be vulnerable again. I won’t be her doormat. “It wasn’t like that. He… I…”
“Whatever helps you sleep at night.” I have to be detached. I have to fight against my emotions. I need to think with my head, not my heart. I can’t comfort her. I can’t let her win. I won’t surrender.
“So, you’re seeing Pam again?” I can’t believe she has the nerve to ask. Her, in her little timid manner, her eyes all red and puffy, looking beautifully flustered… Stop it, Max. Keep it together.
“No. We’re fucking again.” I love the way she flinches when I say it like that. It bothers her. She used to preach how sex had something to do with love. Hypocrite.
She nods, “Oh.”
I continue, coldly, detaching myself further and turning away from her, “Maybe if I get done with Pam early, I can go see Jessica. And what about you? Want to be round three tonight, Lizzie?”
I turn back. She’s offended. Very, very offended.
I’m acting unaffected. I shake my head, “No, of course not. You just needed something to break your hymen, really, didn’t you? It was never about the person who would break it…”
“It wasn’t like that!” She raises her voice, “I went to you because you were my best friend… I needed a friend…”
“You needed a dick.” I correct her sharply.
She tries to deny it, “No, it was…”
I shake my head again. She continues, “Stop acting like this! I’m sorry, okay? If I could redo anything in my life, it would be that night.” She softens, “I didn’t know you were a virgin, Max.”
That makes me snap. “Get the fuck out.” I point towards the door. She doesn’t move. I raise my voice, “Get the fuck out of my apartment!”
She takes a few steps towards the door, “Max…”
“Fuck off. Leave. Go away. Be anywhere but here.” I set my jaw, pointing at the door. She turns and leaves, her eyes brimming with tears again. I’m panting with rage. How dare she bring that up? How dare she come here for an acceptance of her apology? I hate her. She makes me lose control.
I need control. I crave it. I pull out my phone and call Pam. I could use some control. And some alcohol.
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I haven’t talked to Isabel, Maria, Alex, or Michael in five days. It’s been three days since I talked to Liz. Isabel has tried to talk to me. I ignore her. My mom and dad left a voicemail saying that they’re worried about me. I sent them both a text message back saying that I was busy, and for them not to worry. They probably didn’t believe me. But it will have to do for now. I have to give myself time to fall into this new lifestyle. I’m finalizing a rent contract tomorrow at my new building. The new apartment’s a few blocks away from this one. If I moved any further, Isabel would have a major shit fit. She’s going to have a minor shit fit when she realizes I’m moving. I can make it up to her if I give her permission to decorate, though. Except I think Tess already has some decoration plans. None of them even know that I’m moving. Only Tess knows. I don’t care. I don’t relate to them anymore. I’m a new person. This is my way of starting a new life.
I lean against the outside of my apartment building, gazing blankly into the street. I lift the cigarette to my lips and take a drag, closing my eyes and leaning my head back against the wall. I bought my first pack last night, after Pam gave me one when she was sated and I felt like I was back in control. The first two weren’t so enjoyable. This one is. It takes my mind off of things.
There’s a cold voice from my left, “Since when do you smoke?”
“Since when do you care?” I reply, opening my eyes and gazing at Isabel warily.
Her eyes soften. She reaches forward, touching my arm, “Max, stop avoiding me. I came by your apartment six times in the last three days. You weren’t there any of the times. I’ve called you on multiple occasions, but you keep sending the calls to voicemail.”
She’s right. I have been. I nod and take another drag. Before she can narrow her eyes any further, I exhale the smoke and sigh, “I haven’t walked away yet, have I?”
“Can we talk?”
I can tell that she’s hurting from me ignoring her. I shrug, “About?”
“Everything. We haven’t talked much lately. I miss you. You’re my twin brother, Max.” She removes her hand from my arm, sticking it into her coat pocket, “It hurts when you avoid me like this.”
“I’ve got a lot going on.” I flick the ashes off the end of my cigarette. She stands her ground. I nod warily, “Where do you want to go?”
“My apartment?”
I shake my head. She seems to understand.
“Yours?”
I consider it. I take the last drag of the cigarette, exhale and then stamp the cigarette out with my foot. “Alex and Michael home?”
She frowns, “No. They went to a hockey game.”
I nod. “Okay.”
We go up to my soon to be former apartment. She immediately starts making a pot of coffee. We both sit down at the kitchen table. She’s concerned. I can see it in her eyes. I haven’t shaved since Liz came by. I probably look a little ragged. “How are you?”
Those three words are asking a hell of a lot. “Been better.” I can talk to Isabel. Something tells me she would understand. “But that’s not why you’re here?”
She smiles lightly, “You’re right. I just… this whole thing with Liz…” I tense. She notices. “I want you to know that I’m going to stick with you through it, Max. She’s a good friend, but you’re my brother. She’s obviously did a terrible thing and hurt you. I’m here for you.”
“I’m moving, Isabel.” I have to tell her. She’s my sister. She’ll understand.
The color drains from her face, “To where?”
“A few blocks from here. Not far.”
Some of the color returns. She laughs, “I thought you meant moving across the country.” She straightens out her expression, “Is it because of what happened?”
I nod. I won’t lie. “I can’t take it anymore. Alex is one of her best friends. And Michael, he’s dating her other best friend. Her room is right above mine. There are too many memories here.”
“You’re going to be able to pay your own rent?” She’s skeptical. I don’t blame her. I would be if I were her, too.
I give her a light smile, “I got that job I applied for.”
She beams, “Congratulations!! Max, that’s awesome! Did you tell Dad? He’d be so proud…”
Evans & Associates. My dad’s law firm back in New Mexico. I didn’t want to mooch off of him to get a start with my career. Maybe, if it fits, I’ll go back after law school and work for the family company. I haven’t decided yet. “No. I haven’t talked to them recently.”
“You should. You know how Mom gets. She’ll be on a plane out here if you don’t talk to her for more than a week or two…”
I laugh, “Yeah, I guess you’re right.”
“What happened to you and Michael? I thought he was your best friend, right after Liz. You two don’t hang out at all anymore.”
“He’s always with Maria.” It’s true. She knows it is. Maria would support Liz no matter what. They’ve been friends that long. Maria would bug me to talk to Liz, to listen to Liz, to help Liz. I can’t take that.
She sighs, “I think you should talk to him. He’ll make time for you if you ask him to.”
I need time away - to think. That’s why I’m moving. I have to. It’s not that I’m turning my back on all of my friends; I need the space so that I can get my new life situated. I’ve always depended on that group for everything. It’s time I act independently of them to find myself. It’s always been the six of us. I need it to be only me right now. I need the freedom so I can gain control. I shrug.
“You know that if you want to talk… about Liz or anything… you can always call me, right?” She timidly tries to reconnect our twin bonding.
“Yeah, I do. Thanks.” I nod my appreciation.
She lifts an eyebrow. “Good. That means I can tell you how disgusting smoking is. Do you know how many carcinogens are in one cigarette?! Max, we have a family history of lung cancer. What the hell are you thinking?”
I glare at her out of principle, but I’m glad I have Isabel back to talk to. She always supports my final decisions. “I haven’t decided if it’s going to be habit yet, Isabel. I’m giving it a test run.”
“Oh yeah?” She presses, “And what about your other uh… lifestyle changes?”
“I’m not talking about this.” It’s time to put my foot down. I’ll talk to her about anything other than the alcohol and the sex. The alcohol makes me forget. The sex puts me in control. I need both of those things right now. I crave them.
She admits defeat. “Okay, fine.” She stands, brushing off her immaculate outfit. “I’ve got to go upstairs and study. I’ve got a Chem test in an hour and I want to brush up on a few things before I head to class.”
I nod, kiss her on the cheek and tell her good luck.
She thanks me, wrinkles her nose and tells me I smell like smoke.
I call after her, “And Isabel? Want to help Tess decorate my new place?”
She beams, nodding frantically. I laugh to myself and go into my room to start packing up my stuff. I’ll keep my door closed against Michael and Alex and hide the boxes for as long as possible. I don’t want them to make a big deal about me moving out.
I open my window and light another cigarette.
TBC...
Song The Pretender by The Foo Fighters