Roswell Fanatics

Author's Note: Hi everyone! Sorry for the tardiness of this part. Stupid real life.

Anyway, in answer to lovalien's question (well to paraphrase it anyway, since she asked specifically about Starstruck, but someone else asked about my plans after it was done a few parts ago and I'm not sure if she ever saw my AN), after BFM is finished, I'll be returning to Born of the Stars, hopefully to complete it before the end of June. I am hoping to also work on All You Wanted and Starstruck and I Am Not Felicity, going with the one I most "feel" at the time. Actually, I've been thinking about SS alot, and I know exactly where it's going now, so it may be the first one. I also have about three new fics lurking on my hard-drive, but none of them will see the light of day until Born of the Stars and one of the others is done.

As for the challenge from which Starstruck was derived, I'm pretty sure it was lost when we moved boards, but the basic gist was that Max aced his audition in Secrets and Lies and, meanwhile, Liz went to boarding school early, tired of Max's search for his son, and then developped powers earlier. When she went to BS though, her roomate was obsessed with the new "star" Max Evans. That story got angsty on me, but it will eventually be more fun, once I deal with the stupid baby stuff, which will be within the next few parts.

Part 21

When they reach Portland, it is the middle of the night. They check into a crummy motel near the bus station. In spite of the fact that she is weary and there is presently little to smile about, when Liz pushes her way into their room, she does so, slightly. Since Max healed her, memories of her life before the bridge have been returning fast and furious, triggered by the smallest thing. And some of them make her smile.

"What?" Max asks. He is tuned into her constantly, now that the connection has been reopened, just as she is to him. He has not seen her smile, but he has felt it. Liz’s heart contracts at how tired he looks. They did not talk much on the bus, but they did not sleep either. Liz could not, her mind full of all that has happened in the past few hours.

It was too soon to talk, but it was also too soon to sleep. She knows that Max felt the same way.

She thinks he also shares her fear that if she lets herself fall asleep - or even talk - she might wake up and it will all have been a dream. That they are not together and that the one good thing that has happened on this day is merely a figment of both of their imaginations.

"I was just thinking about that crappy motel Michael and Maria checked into on the way to Marathon," Liz replies now. She sits down next to him on the bed. "That place was awful."

"This isn’t much better," Max says. She looks at him. He is watching her closely. "It must be strange…having all your memories back."

Liz shrugs. "It is. But, it’s not. I can’t really explain it." Not even to herself. She remembers things arbitrarily now, and it is like she cannot believe that she once could not recall them. "The worst part is trying to reconcile who I’ve been with who I was and who I am now. I mean, I’ve been ‘Beth’ for five years. She’s still me, but she’s not. I don’t know if I can figure out what it means to be ‘Liz’ anymore."

"I’m sorry," Max says. "I wish…" He trails off, but Liz hears a thousand different dreams in the silence that follows.

"So do I," Liz whispers. She leans into him, and he brings his arm around her. "This is so weird, Max."

He sighs. "I know. You can talk about it, you know. I’m not going to get upset."

She believes him. The most amazing thing about the experience of being healed by him a second time is that, because she knew what to expect, she was able to focus on it more. And, while it was happening, she practically became him. She now knows for certain that Isabel was right. Max accepts everything that happened while he was away. She wonders how on Earth he can do it - how she can be so lucky? How can one person be so understanding?

Even after the connection there is so much to say, she does not know where to start. But, then, in some ways, she does not even want to start. She wishes they could go back to before any of this ever happened, when they were still young and it was uncomplicated. Or as uncomplicated as it could be considering one of them was not of this Earth.

Another memory filters through her mind, bittersweet and now marked with regret.

Let's just keep running, you and me, away from here, away from everything. I see everything so clearly now. We'll go someplace where no one knows us. As long as we're together, nothing else matters.

She wonders how things would have been different had they run away then, as teenagers. She shakes her head firmly. It is no good wishing for what can never be.

And, yet, she realizes that it is exactly what they have now done. Run away. It is still as true now as it was back then. Neither of them wants to admit that anything else matters when they are together. But it does not change that the world insists on getting in. They must discuss where they are to go from here.

She starts carefully. "It’s been so long, but to me, it almost feels like no time has passed. I’m like two people. I’m Beth, who has lived five years dreaming about someone she didn’t even remember. And then I’m Liz, who jumped off a bridge with you, and it feels like that was yesterday."

"I want to know Beth too," Max tells her.

"I know you do," Liz replies. "But I don’t know if I can hold onto her. So much of who she was is wrapped up in things that can never be again."

There is a long moment of silence. "You’re talking about him," Max finally says quietly.

"Yeah."

"I connected with him, you know," Max reveals abruptly, making Liz blink.

"You did?"

There is another silence. "Liz, I don’t quite no how to tell you this…" He trails off again, his pain for her obvious. She sighs at the unfairness of it. With all he has endured over the past five years, the thought that he is forced to feel sorry for her saddens her. She also knows that it is not what Zan would want.

"I know he’s dead," she tells him. She shifts, looking up at Max. His golden eyes are shadowed, but she can feel his sense of helplessness. He does not know what to say in this situation. Who would? It is beyond any normal circumstance that any normal person should ever have to deal with.

What’s so great about normal?

She smiles sadly. She realizes that, still, in spite of everything, she can not wish for normal. She just cannot do it.

Not if it means never having felt the way she does about the man sitting beside her on this lumpy bed in this crummy motel room.

Not if it means that the life growing within her would not exist. Because she loves it already and knows that everything that has happened is so that he or she can come into the world. She does not know why this is meant to be, but Lonnie - and Zan - were right that, in time, she would understand the sacrifice Zan made. Because now she does.

It makes her feel guilty that she feels like it was all worth it, just to bring her and Max to this moment. But she knows now that this is their cross to bear to be together. They will always feel guilty. Yet, she will never love him - or the baby - any less. She could more easily rip out her own heart.

Why she loves Max is reinforced by his next words. His next words are just so him and she quite simply loves everything about him.

He is still the same. Curious in spite of himself. Willing to deal with and talk about the things he might not like and might not understand, because he knows they are important. She remembers how he always used to consider himself careful. But he was not. Not really. When it came right down to it, Max always did what had to be done, searching for the truth of who he really was as ardently as Michael, but in his own more considered way.

"Can you tell me about him?" Max asks gently. "If it’s too hard, I understand, but I don’t even get who he was."

Liz knew the question would come eventually. After all, Max knows nothing of the dupes, nor of Langley, or the granolith. He is even more in the dark about the past five years than she is. And, yet, she is still unprepared for it. She knew it would come, because he is Max, but she does not quite know what to tell him.

How can she tell him that Zan was his replacement, his placeholder, and, in the end, his saviour? How can she tell him how much Zan meant to her; that, although he was never quite right in her heart, for a long time, in her mind, he was the one? That he was Max?

How can she tell Max that she is now carrying his duplicate’s child and there will forever be a reminder that, for a time, she forgot him?

How can she tell him that, although she knows it is wrong, she believes that, in the end, it was all worth it? That their separation, his torture, her loss of herself and, yes, even Zan’s death, were worth it?

But, she knows Max, and she knows he will understand. He will always understand. Just as Zan did. Because, although they are different - and the way she feels about them is different - in so many ways, they are the same.

"I can tell you whatever you want to know," she says. She reaches up, placing her hands on both sides of his face. "But I need you to know one thing before we get into any of it."

"Okay," Max says, sounding afraid, but also determined.

"I need you to understand what I think I’m beginning to get. The reason why it all happened is because you are the one, Max. You are the one person in this world that I need in my life. I think it’s part of the reason that my memory wouldn’t come back. Because I couldn’t have survived the thought of what had happened to you if it did. So my mind protected me for all these years. It made me forget you so that I could go on. Survive. But then it all just got confused when I met Zan." She pauses, feeling tears fill her eyes, because she knows that what she is about to say is going to hurt him. "But all of that…It doesn’t negate the fact that I loved him. Not how I love you, but I did."

He lowers his head, so that their foreheads are touching. She feels minutely better, but her heart is still thundering in her chest, because he does not say anything for the longest time. She can almost sense the wheels turning in his head as he processes what she has said, and as he formulates a reply.

Finally he says, "I want you to feel like you can mourn him." She closes her eyes. He is so good. How can he possibly be so good, after all that has happened to him? How can what Pierce did to him not have wiped this out of him? But, she understands that it his goodness, and his ability to accept the failings of others, that makes him Max. And it is what has helped him survive through hell.

"And I want you to know something too, Liz," he continues softly. "Your child…" She feels her eyes widen. He knows! How can he possibly know? She barely knows! "I hope it can be our child."

She starts to cry in earnest then. She senses that he knows that there will be no more talking this night, as he gently removes her jacket and shoes, and then lies down with her, pulling her into his arms.

This is how, after she decided on the bus that she will do anything to make Max forget the hell he has lived through in the past five years, he ends up comforting her while she cries herself to sleep.

Author's Note: Sorry it's been so long since I updated. But now my computer is in fine health, and hopefully I will get back onto my schedule.

Part 22

He does not want to sleep. He does not want to leave consciousness, for fear that when he wakes, all this will prove to be a figment of his imagination. He does not want to leave her again, even if only in slumber. She needs him. She has been strong long enough. He must be her strength now. He must stay awake.

But exhaustion eventually wins out over will, and the soft sound of Liz’s breathing finally lulls him to sleep close to dawn.

***

"Max."

He is back on the bridge, looking over the ledge at the water below. It is calm and he knows that Liz will still be there when he wakes up.

He turns his head, taking in Isabel, who is standing next to him. She smiles at him, her joy obvious. "She found you," she says, obviously relieved. She reaches out and hugs him, and he knows that this is truly his sister, that she has dreamwalked him, and that, for the first time in five years, he has let her. There is no more need to save them by staying away - at least not on the dream plain.

Thanks to Zan, the danger from which he has been protecting them is no longer a threat. Pierce is dead - Max knows this from the connection he established with his duplicate as he died; he knows that Zan did not leave this world alone and, so, finally, they will all be safe.

And, yet, he knows that he and Liz must still keep their distance, at least until the baby is born, just to be sure. They cannot risk coming out into the open anytime soon, in case the Special Unit is keeping an eye open for any strange goings on. They think Max is dead, but they will still watch his family to be sure. But it does not mean that their friends and family can not come to them eventually, when Pierce’s minions finally give up. He is excited at the prospect, but he is also glad to have this time alone with Liz. In the meantime, though, it is good to see Izzy.

He hugs his sister tightly, then steps back and looks at her. She is still as lovely as ever, but her eyes reflect the strain the last few years have caused. She has grieved for him, and knowing he is alive has not quite yet registered.

"It’s good to see you, Iz," he tells her.

"Where are you?" Isabel asks. "We’re worried, Max."

He grimaces. "I better not tell you just yet. There are things you don’t know. We need to make sure that you won’t be followed. And you can’t all come at once."

"We understand that," Isabel replies. "It’s just hard, that’s all."

"I know."

"I’m sorry, Max," Isabel says, tears filling her dark eyes. "I’m sorry I gave up on you."

"It’s what I wanted you to do, Iz," Max says. "There was no way for you to help me. It was best that you stayed safe."

"We would have found you if you’d just let us, Max," Isabel argues. "It wasn’t right, what you did."

"I know that now," Max replies. "But you have to understand…" He trails off, not wanting to hurt her more by revealing the more selfish reason he stayed with Pierce. He was thinking of them, but he is forced to acknowledge that it was not the only reason he did not let them find him.

"You thought Liz was dead," Isabel says. "We do understand, Max. We get it. But I hope you get that it wasn’t your fault."

He doesn’t respond, but says, "I am sorry, Isabel. I know you suffered."

"Not like you did," she replies. She hugs him again. "I’m just glad that you’re back."

"Me too."

And he is. He is glad to be back among the living. He is glad that he has a purpose, at last. He will live to love Liz and he will be a father to the child she carries. He will protect them and he will love them and he will thank whatever God there might be for giving him a second chance at both.

"Not that they belong to you. He died for them. You weren’t even brave enough to do that."

Max whirls. The dream shifts and he feels Isabel lose control of it. She slips away, disappearing as abruptly as she came.

Because this no longer a dream. It has become a nightmare.

It is Pierce and he is walking towards Max, a smirk on his face. "I can see that you’re as verbose as ever, Max. Thought I was dead, did you?"

"You are dead," Max replies, his heart thundering in his chest. He knows, even in a nightmare, that this is true.

But this knowledge does not stop Nightmare Pierce from moving forward. "As long as you remember me, I will live," Pierce replies. "And I won’t ever let you forget. Oh, no."

"You’re dead!" Max exclaims, more firmly, determined that he will not let the monster win in this way. He will not haunt him from beyond the grave.

"I will never be dead, Max. Never." Pierce replies. He reaches out and places gentle hands on Max’s shoulders. "You will never leave this bridge. This bridge will forever bind us together." He leans forward and whispers into Max’s ear, as he has done so many times before. "And, when you finally jump…when you just can’t take it anymore…then I will come for your child."

Max stares at him in horror. The next thing he knows, he is falling through the air, towards the calm water below. He sees Pierce staring down at him from the bridge as he hits the water, which closes instantly over his head.

***

He jerks awake. He can feel Liz’s breath on his ear, as she whispers, "It’s all right. You’re safe. Max, wake up." And, as simply as that, he feels another shift. She becomes his protector, his strength.

"What happened?" he asks, reaching up and rubbing at his eyes. He can feel his heart thundering in his chest, but he does not remember why.

"I think you were having a nightmare," Liz explains. "You were shaking in your sleep and it woke me up." They are facing each other on the pillows and her hand reaches out and gently pushes his hair away from his eyes so that he cannot hide from her.

He meets her gaze. He feels embarrassed that he has so quickly shown weakness. "Sorry. I’m sure it was nothing." So much for being the strong one, he reflects, annoyed at himself. He is aware that he is psychologically screwed up beyond even his own comprehension, thanks to Pierce, but he does not want Liz to know. She has enough grief to cope with. He knows that he will eventually recover anyway. After all, being with Liz is the only cure he needs.

"You don’t have to apologize," Liz replies. He watches her bite her lip and he knows that she is wondering how far she should pursue this. "You didn’t yell," she finally says abruptly. It is a strange thing to say, so he does not respond. He waits for her to continue. "Most people, when they’re living nightmares, they cry out."

He closes his eyes, finding the gentle probing in her expression. He knows that she is not talking about the present nightmare from which she just woke him. She is talking about his entire time with Pierce.

Because, she is right. After Pierce captured him the second time, through it all, he never cried out. Not once. It was the one control he had over the situation in which he found himself and he also refused to give Pierce the satisfaction. He would not let Pierce in, even that much. Pierce would never truly own him, would never know him. Max refused to allow it and vocalizing the effectiveness of the agent’s torture would have started Max down the path where it might have become a reality.

But Pierce was not the only reason he did not cry out. There was only one person whose presence might have saved him an ounce of torture anyway and, while he was with Pierce, he had thought her dead. There was no Liz to turn to, to call for, and so there had been no point in yelling out at all.

Now she is here and he is aware that she wants to know something of what he lived through. But he does not think that he can tell her. He cannot put it into words. It is too near still, too fresh. The fact that she is really able to listen is still almost incomprehensible. He still has not completely grasped that she is alive. And if he reveals exactly how much Pierce’s insanity messed him up, he will be admitting that he let the bastard get to him.

Her hands are tracing his face now, and he opens his eyes again. She leans into him and kisses him gently on the lips. "You don’t have to tell me," she says. "I already know, Max. Just like you know about me, I know about you." Much to his chagrin, tears fill her dark eyes. "I’m so sorry."

Everything shifts again and she is the one who needs comforting. Max understands suddenly that this is how it will be. They will heal each other in stages, taking turns, slowly repairing the damage that the past five years have wrought. It is how it should be. They will be the stronger for it.

He does not always have to be the strong one. They will be strong together.

"For what?" Max demands. He cups her face with his hands, brushing her tears away with his thumbs. "Liz, there’s nothing to be sorry about. I’m just so glad that you’re alive. I don’t care what happened while I was gone. I mean, I care that you had to go through so much alone, but I’m glad that it wasn’t always that way."

"That’s not what I mean," Liz replies. She moves so that her face is pressed to his shoulder. "It was my fault," she whispers. "It was my job to get you away from there and I didn’t. And that’s why everything that happened after that happened. I forgot you because I couldn’t deal with it. I left Roswell and I left you in the hands of that psychopath. But that’s not even the worst part. It all happened to you because of me. If you hadn’t healed me that day in the Crashdown, Pierce never would have even known that you existed."

Her tears are cold against his neck and a shiver descends his spine. He can feel the weight of her guilt through their connection. He knows that she needs absolution, but he also knows that she is aware that he does not blame her for anything. The words he will tell her will not be enough. Not if she is not ready to forgive herself.

But he tries anyway.

"It’s not true," Max says firmly. "You know it’s not true, Liz. There was nothing you could have done about it. You couldn’t stop me from healing you, any more than you could stop what Pierce did to me. He was the evil one, not you. He is the only one to blame." He pulls back, making her look at him. "Don’t you get it? It was because of you that I survived it. And I’m not just talking about Pierce. I’m talking about being who I am. Knowing that you loved me, which never could have happened without the shooting…It was the only thing that made me glad to be who I am. I would never change any of it. Ever. What happened with Pierce…If it was the price I had to pay to be with you, then I would gladly pay it ten times over."

"Max, I know you mean it, but you don’t understand…" She trails off, sighing. "God, how do I tell you this? I don’t know how to tell you."

"Liz, you can tell me anything."

"I know I can." She smiles sadly. "And I know you’re going to say that you don’t care about any of it. That’s not the problem."

"Then what is it?" He runs his hands down her arms in reassurance. He can feel that she needs to unburden herself, and that she needs to do it orally. He will know soon enough, through the connection, but she wants to tell him herself.

She needs it, just as he needs not to tell her what happened to him in the White Room. He is not ready. Not yet, anyway.

"The worst part of everything," Liz whispers, "is that, before I went to sleep, I realized that I thought it was all worth it. That losing my memory, losing you, even Zan’s death…It was all worth it."

"Because of the baby?" he asks carefully. He knows that they are treading on very fragile ground here - that any misstep on his part might result in her never being able to accept that it was all worth it. Because he realizes that he believes it was too.

He also believes that it was, quite simply, meant to be.

He remembers once upon a time, when Tess told him about his destiny. That he was meant to be with her. He knows now that he was right to reject that idea. He knew he was fated to be with Liz. He still knows it. He didn’t believe in destiny then, and he still doesn’t believe that your path can be completely decided for you. But he does now understand that destiny and fate are forever entwined. Fate shapes destiny. He sees now that he was destined to have a child on this planet. He was given a second chance at life to do so. It was decreed in the book Tess showed him, but fate has made it all come out a little bit different.

The child will not be with Tess. It will be Liz’s child, which is all he could have ever hoped for.

The child will be his, but also not, because he is not its real father. In his heart, and in its DNA, he is, but he was not part of the creation. He knows that, because of Pierce, he never could have been. Because Pierce was his fate, just as much as Liz was. To be with Liz, he had to endure Pierce, and it was worth it.

But Pierce also meant that he would never father a child. And, so, destiny stepped in again.

The fact that Zan found Liz - that in spite of the great odds against it, he found her and he was the only one to whom she ever opened up during her five lost years - is proof enough that destiny can not be denied. This child is meant to be, at any cost, and it was always fated to be Liz’s, because he chose her on the day he healed her in the Crashdown. After that day, this child never could have been anyone else’s.

But because he chose Liz, Pierce found him, and he could not be the real father. And, yet, he knows that they are meant to raise the baby together.

Until Liz understands this, she will never be able to get beyond her guilt. He can not feel guilty any longer. He felt Zan die, but before that, he felt Zan’s love for this child. He felt that Zan knew that he, Max, would protect Liz, but also the baby, raising it as his own. He felt Zan give him his blessing to do so. Because Zan understood destiny too. He could have been angry about it, but he was not. In those few instants before his life was snuffed out to protect his child - after he had rid the world of the greatest threat to them all - Max felt Zan’s acceptance of the role he had to play.

For Zan, it was worth it. Because for three years he had known joy with Liz. It had been more than he had ever been fated to know. Because fate had made Liz, Max’s and Max, Liz’s. Fate had caused the shooting in the Crashdown that day, but destiny still wanted a part of it.

Max is tired of running. He will accept his destiny, just as Zan did, and he will be grateful that fate has been kind enough to mold destiny in a way that he can be happy to live his life.

Fate brought him Liz. Destiny brought him this child. He cannot feel guilty about any of it. Not anymore.

But Liz can. And she does not deserve it. Zan would not have wanted it. And, although she knows this intellectually, until she understands the great magnitude of how this child came to be, she will never truly be able to accept it.

She is crying softly against his chest. He knows that he must find the words to make her understand that some things cannot be controlled. The irony of the fact that he now understands this, after all the years he tried to control everything by staying with Pierce, is not lost on him.

"Liz, I told you I connected with Zan."

She stiffens against him. He strokes her back soothingly.

"He knew about the baby," Max says quietly. "He chose to do what he did to save his child. Our child."

There is a long silence. Liz finally says, "I know. Lonnie told me he knew."

Max sighs helplessly. He was sure that knowing that Zan had died to protect his child would make her see that she could not have stopped him. That Zan had been a hero because he had actually made his own destiny. And, because he had done so, he had allowed Max and Liz to live out the love they were fated to share.

"Max."

He looks at her, barely able to mask his frustration. He cannot bear to live with the thought that she is going to carry this guilt forever.

"You can’t fix everything, you know."

He blinks. "What?"

"I know you want to fix this - that you don’t want me to feel any of this. But you can’t stop it. It’s what is." She looks down, then says quietly, "I won’t ever stop feeling it, but it doesn’t mean I can’t live with it."

"Liz, I want you to be happy," Max tells her.

"I am happy," Liz replies. "Just being with you makes me happy. But it doesn’t erase everything. We have to stop running away. And I’m not talking about physically. I mean inside. We have to start accepting that regret and sadness will always be a part of living. Nothing is ever perfect." She lays her cheek against his chest, sighing. "But being with you is so close, it will sometimes make it really hard for us to remember it. Which has to be enough."

They lie there quietly for a long time, each absorbing the truth that they will never quite escape the guilt of all that has happened. Max realizes that Liz is right, though. It is wrong to try and run from it. Doing so defiles all the suffering that has come before. It does not mean that it was not worth it, but it also does not mean that they should not remember how high a price they paid - that Zan paid - to bring them to the point where they have a chance to live a happy life.

"We have to be able to talk about it," Liz finally whispers. "If we hide from it, pretending that everything’s okay, then it will eat us up from the inside." She moves so that she is looking at him directly again. "We have to be able to talk about it, Max."

He knows that she is no longer talking about her guilt and pain. He looks away for a moment, then lets out a long breath. He feels the wall that surrounds Pierce come tumbling down, knowing that she is right.

It is in that moment that he remembers his nightmare. He remembers losing Isabel again, and he remembers Pierce taking over the dream, threatening his child - threatening his future happiness.

He will not let Pierce win.

And, so, he tells her. He tells her everything. Slowly, at first, but gradually picking up speed until the words are tumbling out. He relives every horrible moment of those five years, and it takes much longer than he ever imagined it would. They were long, those years, but the physical torture was nothing compared to the horror that he had been responsible for Liz’s death.

He tells her this too and she weeps. He does not cry through any of it. It is only in the stillness after he finishes that he feels a lump enter his throat. Her gentle hands stroke his hair and it brings the final wall down.

It is then, after it is all out in the open, that he cries.

Author's Note: Sorry again for the delay folks. I'm still working out exactly how this fic is going to end, and so the parts are taking longer than I expect. I know the general gist, but not the specifics. Anyway, I think there's one more part after this, then an epilogue. We'll see how it plays out.

Part 23

One day, months later, Liz opens the door of the small apartment she shares with Max to find Maria and Isabel standing there. She stares at them in astonishment for a long moment, then steps aside, allowing them entrance.

"God," Isabel breathes, her eyes running over Liz. "Look at you!" She then scans the room anxiously. "Where is he?"

"He went for a run," Liz replies. She is still in shock. But overwhelming that feeling is a sense of acute pleasure. She knows that she has missed her friends, but it is not until she lays eyes on them again that she realizes just how much.

"How are you?" Maria demands, before reaching out and pulling Liz into a fierce hug. "I know we weren’t supposed to come, but Isabel and I just couldn’t let it go." She glances at Isabel. "We had to see for ourselves that you were both okay."

"We’re okay," Liz reassures them, before moving to hug Isabel. Max’s sister is still staring at Liz’s middle, her eyes slightly glazed.

"Isabel, stop looking at her like you’ve never seen a pregnant woman before," Maria finally snaps. She rolls her eyes at Liz.

"It’s okay," Liz says softly. "I know it’s kind of weird."

"I’m sorry," Isabel insists, after shaking her head firmly. She stares at Liz, hard. "But, Liz, you need to tell me. And you need to be honest. Are you guys really ready for this? On top of everything?"

Liz takes a step back, sighing. She knows that Isabel needs convincing, but she does not quite know where to start. Because, in the end, it is not ridiculous for Isabel to believe that the last thing she and Max need right now is the responsibility for another life.

They do not understand that it is waiting for this child which is helping them to rebuild the lives that were lost for so long.

***
They stay in Portland for three months. They spend the time exorcising their demons, being in silent accord that, before they make any decisions about what is to come, they need to confront and accept the past. They know that they can not forget it, but they also do not want it haunting them into the future.

Later, when they look back on Portland, it is not always fondly. It is a difficult time, but it is also a necessary time. Liz mourns Zan there, while Max struggles to eliminate Pierce from his dreams. Eventually they learn that the mourning will not end and the nightmares will endure. But, after Portland, they know that together they can survive both.

Portland is not all dark. Every night they talk into the small hours. They yearn to know each other again, only to discover that neither has really changed. They are older, but they are also the same. They have both lived apart from real life during their separation. Liz’s amnesia was a sort of captivity, while Max never grew up, and so never became who he is meant to be. Because of it, in many ways, they are the same Max and Liz - the Max and Liz who jumped off a bridge and lived to tell of it. It is five years later, they are five years older, but they are still the same.

But, they also realize that they are no longer sixteen years old. Even though, most days, they both wish they were, they understand that they must grow up fast. They understand that they were both released from their respective prisons for a reason. That reason is not only each other, but also the small being that grows more real every day. They both believe this.

One night, finally, there is no more time for tears. There is no more time for nightmares. Liz wakes in the darkness, her head cradled on Max’s chest. She senses that he is also awake. His breathing is erratic, and for a moment she thinks that he has had another nightmare. She is moving to comfort him, when she feels it again. She gasps slightly, and then tears fill her eyes.

"Did you feel that?" she whispers, knowing that he did. It is why he is awake. He has been connected to this child since the very beginning. Now, finally, she too senses the small life moving in her womb. And, finally, it is entirely real.

"Yes," he replies quietly. "God, Liz. It’s just…I mean…"

"Amazing," she breathes. She places a hand on her rounded stomach. The pregnancy is only three and a half months along but, because she is small, her middle has not been entirely flat for weeks. She feels the flutter against her hand, and she swallows against the lump in her throat.

She reaches out and takes Max’s hand, bringing it against her. His touch is gentle, but she can feel him trembling.

"Are you okay?" she whispers. He has been so wonderful, and is as excited about the baby as she is. She knows this through the connection, but sometimes she worries. After all, in the end, this is not his child and he must feel it at times.

"I’m fine," Max says. "I just…We can’t stay here anymore, Liz. We need to get on with our lives."

She knows that he is not just talking about Portland. He is talking about the state of stasis in which they exist. They have both lived through hell, but they are Max and Liz, and they love each other. It is what they know. It is all they need to know. But now it is time to understand how this fundamental fact will shape their future.

"We need to make a life for this baby," Max whispers. He kisses her then. The connection springs to life and she feels just how much he loves this child. He considers the baby a gift - one he never expected, one he never dared hope for, even before the dark days with Pierce.

That night, before falling asleep in each others arms as usual, they make love for the first time. And, in so doing, they take the next step into the future they are fated - destined - to share with each other. But also with their child.

***

"Okay, we’re alone," Maria says. She has pulled Liz into the tiny bathroom. "Now, tell me the truth. How are things, really?"

Liz maneuvers her bulk in the tiny space to seat herself on the toilet seat. "Don’t you think Max knows we’re talking about him?" she asks wryly. Her husband has returned from his run and is now in the living room with his sister.

"Well, duh," Maria snaps. "But I’m not rude enough to do it in front of him. I am, however, rude enough to demand some answers. Emails and phone calls are all well and good, Liz, but I need some face time."

Liz smiles slightly. "I’m so glad you’re here, Maria."

Maria eyes her for a moment. "Even though you told us not to come?"

"I’m glad you came," Liz repeats.

Maria reaches forward and hugs Liz again. "I’m glad you’re you, Liz." Liz hears the tears in her best friend’s voice and she hugs her back, hard.

"I know that was hard for you," she says quietly. "Me not knowing you."

"Not as hard as it was for you. And I wouldn’t have cared if you had stayed that way. You were back. It was enough. But this is better," Maria replies. She pulls back, wiping at her eyes. "God! I’m tired of crying. Liz, seeing you is a good thing. Why am I always crying?"

"Crying’s healthy," Liz says. "Everyone’s been through a lot."

"Not as much as you two have," Maria argues. "And you’re both so strong. I don’t know how you can be doing this." She gestures down at Liz’s burgeoning belly. "I mean, on top of everything else. What were you two thinking?" She pauses, grimacing. "Well, I know what you were thinking. But, are you sure this is a good idea? How can you bring a baby into this mess?"

Liz swallows, then brings her hand to rest gently on her stomach. She and Max have not told their friends the truth about the baby. They have not discussed it, nor has Max asked her not to, but they have not told anyone.

Of course, Lonnie, and Ava, and Rath all know. Liz is aware that it is not really fair that the others do not, because there is no question that Zan’s siblings will play a part in this child’s life. The others need to be apprised of the truth of the situation.

No, there is no question that Zan’s brother and sisters will play a part, Liz reflects, still grateful that this is so.

And, so, because they will know soon enough anyway, she says, "Maria, there’s something I need to tell you…"

***

It is early morning and so, when Max answers the door, he is drinking coffee. It is the shattering of the cup against the hard wood floor that brings Liz racing out of their bedroom. The sound has made Liz’s heart enter her throat. For one horrible instant she envisions the Special Unit invading their new sanctuary, but when she hears the voice, she feels tears fill her eyes instead.

"I came because Lonnie and Rath…they thought it might be too hard for you," Ava says after she is seated at the small kitchen table. She is looking at Max. "I’m sorry I scared ya. But it had to be me. We heard that you haven’t seen Isabel or Michael yet."

"It’s okay," Max says calmly. Too calmly. Liz sits beside him. She takes his hand under the table. She knows that it is hard for him to see Ava too. After all, he and Tess were not exactly on the best of terms the last time he saw her. Max does not really know Tess at all, just remembers how she tried to trick him into loving her. But she is still a part of who he is, and he does want to see her eventually. Liz is sure that he did not expect that he would see her, but as Ava first.

"We asked them to stay away," Liz continues, squeezing Max’s hand. "Just until we’re settled. To make sure that we’re off the Special Unit’s radar."

"Figured as much," Ava says. She pauses, glancing down at the table-top. "Listen, we just wanted to let you know…we’re not going to interfere or nothin’."

Liz glances at Max. He nods slightly, which prompts her to ask gently, "What do you mean? We’ve talked about it and we both want you to be a part of the baby’s life."

Ava swallows, looking up. Liz watches her eyes run over Max’s face, then become glued to the table again. "We want to, but…"

"I know it’s hard," Max says quietly. "I know it’s hard for you to look at me. I know what he did for me, Ava. I hope you all know that I’m not trying to take his place. I don’t want Liz - or this baby - to forget about him."

Ava raises her head and meets his eyes. "Thanks. It means a lot." Then she blurts, "It was hard for him. Knowing that he was just taking your place. But he accepted it," she adds hastily.

"It wasn’t totally like that, Ava," Liz says. "I loved Zan, too."

"I know," Ava replies. "I wasn’t saying nothing." She is getting upset, so her careful grammar is suffering. Liz feels a pang of affection for her friend. This can not be allowed to happen. They can not just let Ava, and Rath, and Lonnie walk away. Ava continues, "It don’t matter none anyway. He’s gone. We need to move on. It’s dangerous for us to all be around the kid. We know that."

"We’ll figure something out," Max insists firmly. "Because of what Zan did, we have the freedom to do that."

"Because of what Zan did, we can’t risk it," Ava replies softly. "But we want you to know that we trust you to love this baby. Zan trusted you, so we do too. And we’ll always keep our eyes and ears open, to make sure that everything’s okay."

Liz swallows, trying to get rid of the lump in her throat. "Ava, this isn’t what we want. It’s not right."

"It’s not," Max agrees. "This baby needs all of us. Including you three. Everything that has happened, has happened for a reason. We can’t afford to screw this up now." He frowns. "We can’t let you bow out."

Ava is staring at Max, as though she has seen a ghost. "Man, you really are like him, aren’t you?" she finally mutters, but she sounds slightly amused. Liz can tell that Ava is moving past the hardest stages of grief, into the period when memories of the missed love one become bittersweet, instead of painful.

"I’m not him," Max reminds her. "But I know what he would have wanted. And you three disappearing from our baby’s life is not it."

Ava stays for the rest of the day and, by the end of it, they have convinced her. She leaves, agreeing to return with Lonnie and Rath in time for the birth.

Liz is happy, knowing that all the pieces of the large puzzle that will comprise her beloved baby’s future are falling into place.

Author's Note: Hi everyone! Sorry for the wait, and thanks for your patience. Anyway, this is the last part of this story. I really feel like I have accomplished what I meant to with it, so to go on would be pushing it. I am considering a short epilogue, but I may decide against it. I like how this ends, with everyone being able to decide on their own the reasons for some of what has happened in this story. But we'll see. I have my own ideas for what happens in the future, and I may share them. I haven't decided yet.

In the meantime, I want to thank everyone for their support while I wrote this. I dropped a lot of older stories for it and I didn't exactly stick to the traditional CC path here. I know it is something of a departure for me, and I feel like I've learned a lot. I was never really a fan of the dupes, let me tell you, but I must admit to having a soft spot in my heart for them now. In fact, Realistic Dreamer has almost talked me into writing a Zan companion piece (what if he had lived? ), but we'll see. I have a lot of older stories to wrap up first and some other challenge commitments to take care of too. (UM...for the record. Someone keep me away from the challenges! Please!!!!)

A few particular thank yous: to Lullaby, for the great challenge; to Gioia and Bordersinsanity my sounding boards and great betas; to the Roswriters, as usual, for their input; and to everyone who let me know what they liked and what they didn't like. It really helped to shape this story into what it became.

So, now I will shut up. Without further ado, the end of Burn for Me...

Part 24 - Conclusion

The corn is high. Max wonders why he notices when he pulls the car to the side of the deserted highway. He does though, and he mentions it to Liz. She nods, not finding the comment strange.

They all sit quietly for several long moments. Finally Max turns his head and regards his son, who is staring out the window. "Are you sure this is it?"

"Yup," Sam replies. He is twelve now, and has a tendency to communicate with as few words as possible.

"What do you want to do, Sweetie?" Liz asks.

"I just want to sit for a minute," Sam says.

"Okay," Max replies.

***

"Max, what are you thinking?" Isabel demands quietly. She has spent the last five minutes hugging him, so it is the first thing she has said to him since he returned from his run. It is now only the two of them. Maria has pulled Liz into the bathroom for a private talk. Max suspects that it is partly to give him time alone with his sister, but he also suspects that Maria is asking Liz pretty much the same question.

They knew the questions would come of course. He just did not expect Isabel to be quite so direct. He has forgotten what it is like to talk to his sister.

He is still adjusting to the fact that Isabel is here at all. He and Liz have been so wrapped up in themselves for so many months, it is strange to be talking to anyone other than his wife.

His wife. Liz is his wife. He savours the words as they run through his mind. He will never tire of saying them, nor thinking them, nor living them.

"What do you mean?" he asks, refocusing on his sister.

Isabel’s hands are clenched in her lap. "Max, I know it’s not yours," she whispers urgently, glancing towards the bathroom. She hesitates slightly, then asks tentatively, "You do know that, right?"

Max eyes her for a long moment. "Of course I know, Iz," he replies mildly. He is not angry, maybe a little annoyed that she might think that Liz would not have told him, but mostly curious. Because, how does Isabel know?

"You know about Zan?" She wants reassurance. He can sense her concern for him. He has forgotten what it feels like. It has been so long since he has allowed anyone to worry about him. Too long. It feels nice.

"I know," Max assures her. "What I want to know is how you know," he continues. "That the baby isn’t mine, I mean." He pauses, then adds firmly, "Technically, of course. In every way that counts, he is."

Isabel grimaces slightly. "I’ve been talking to Lonnie. Through dreamwalks. She told me."

"Your duplicate?" Max asks, surprised. "Why? Liz told me you guys wanted nothing to do with them."

Isabel meets his eyes. "Because her brother trusted her enough to tell her what he was doing before he did it," she says. It is harsh, and the arrow hits home, but Max does not flinch. He knows that Isabel needs to unleash some of her anger, some of her frustration that he did not allow her to find him.

He is prepared for it, but it does not mean that he knows what to say to her. He cannot change what he has done, but he can make sure not to lie to her now. It is all he is capable of doing.

"I’m sorry, Iz." Because he is. It is not a lie. But he also knows that he would not change anything.

No regrets. He and Liz have made the pact, and he will not break it. Not even for Isabel.

"Were you going to tell us?" Isabel asks. She no longer sounds angry, just tired.

"Yes," Max says.

"Were you going to tell me yourself that you can’t have kids?"

Max shrugs. "I thought you’d eventually figure out that part on your own."

"How long have you known, Max?" she whispers. "How long did he torture you with it?"

"A couple of years," Max replies. It is not difficult for him to talk about it. While the radiation was happening, it did not really concern him. It did not hurt particularly, at least in comparison to other things Pierce did to him, and he knew that he was never going to have children anyway. Pierce thought that ensuring that he was the last of his kind was the ultimate punishment, but he never really understood Max. He did not understand that, with Liz dead, children were an impossibility for Max anyway. "The only reason I was upset about it at all was once I knew that Liz was alive," he adds. "And now that doesn’t even matter. It’s not a big deal, Iz."

"Max, it is," Isabel retorts. "I know that it is."

"No, you don’t, Isabel," Max tells her. "The child Liz is carrying is mine. He trusted me to believe that, and I do." He takes her hand in his. It makes her look at him, and he says seriously, "And you have to believe it too. All of you do."

"Max…"

"Isabel, this baby is important. He is important for so many reasons, but the main one is that I need him. Liz and I both need him. Can you understand that, without knowing he’s coming, we might not be able to find our way out of the dark?"

Tears gleam in Isabel’s dark eyes. "Oh, Max."

He pulls her toward him gently. As he hugs her, his hand cups the back of her neck in the way it always has. It is amazing how, even after five years, his body remembers how he has always comforted his sister. It has always been so, after all. Since the day they came out of the pods, he has been her protector. But now it is time for her to understand that they must both protect someone else.

"Can you understand, Isabel?" he asks again. "Because, if you can’t, then we’re going to have a problem."

She pulls back, nodding. "I understand, Max." She smiles tremulously. "He’s yours." She pauses, then adds firmly, "He’s all of ours."

***

After several long minutes, Sam opens the car door. Max and Liz exchange a glance. Max reaches out and squeezes his wife’s hand before they follow him.

A lone car is passing, so Max is forced to wait a minute before joining his wife and son. When he makes it to the far side of the vehicle, Sam is crouching. The boy picks up a handful of gravel, then lets it run through his fingers. The sun glints off his dark hair, revealing the reddish highlights he has inherited from his mother. Liz wants him to cut it, but Max knows why he wears it longer. He is at an age where he is embarrassed by his ears. He will outgrow it.

They both know that he will not outgrow wanting to know who he really is. It is why they are here today. Sam asked if they could come on their way to Colorado, where they are meeting everyone else for an early Thanksgiving. They do not wonder how he knew where to direct them. There are some things that they do not try to explain.

"No flash," he says, sounding disappointed. "There’s nothing here."

Max lowers himself beside his son. "Close your eyes," he says softly. "He’s here."

Max knows this is true. He can feel him. Zan lives in the boy beside him, but he also lives here, where he made his sacrifice. It is what drew Sam to this deserted highway in the first place.

Zan is everywhere here, in the spot where he gave up his life so that Max could live his. Where he died so that this child could be safe.

***

The baby comes late in the fall.

The day before, Liz is walking in the park, marveling at the trees and their beautiful, coloured leaves. She is surprised that she does not miss the city. She loved New York, but New York belongs to Zan. She is glad that she and Max live in a small town. It is right. They grew up together in a small town, and now they will grow old together in a small town. They will make this their home and they will keep their child safe here.

She and Max are alone for the first time in days. Everyone has arrived for the birth, including her parents and Max’s. It has not been easy and, finally, today, she has demanded that Max take her away for a while.

Liz’s parents are overwhelmed by it all. They never quite accepted that their daughter was gone, but are now adjusting with difficulty to the fact that she is alive, pregnant, and married to an alien. They love her, of course, but they are over-protective and fearful. Liz knows that if her mother asks her one more time how she is feeling, she will lose her mind.

Max’s parents have proven slightly less difficult, but not by much. Isabel told them the truth years ago, and they are overjoyed to have their son back. They, however, still complain that they cannot move to Max and Liz’s small town in Canada. It is not that they do not understand that nothing in Roswell can change - that Max and Liz are safe so long as they stay off the FBI’s radar - but they are disappointed. Liz suspects that, deep down, the Evans cannot allow themselves to grasp exactly what their son has been through, nor what Zan sacrificed so that he could escape it. Liz knows that Max thinks it is better that this is so. He does not want his parents to be hurt any more than they already have.

While Max and Liz feel that it is safest to continue to live mostly in isolation, at least for the first years of the baby’s life, when the question of everyone visiting arose, really, there was no choice. How could they turn any of them away? They all want to support Max and Liz, and, after everything they have all been through, there was no way to say no. They did not want to say no.

Their child will need all of them. With every passing day of her pregnancy, Liz knows this with more certainty. They must all play a role in the raising of this child. It is vital that he be ready. For what, she does not know. It does not frighten her. After everything, she can no longer be frightened by the future. What will be, will be.

But it does not mean that they cannot prepare themselves for what will be. And, so, she welcomes those she loves with open arms, and knows that they will do the same for her child.

"Feeling better?" Max asks. They pause under an oak tree, and he pulls her into his arms, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. He has to lean in to do it, because of the size of her belly.

"Much," she whispers, turning so that his arms are wrapped around her and she can lean against him. She closes her eyes, reaching for the connection they share with their child. She can sense that he is doing the same and knows it for a certainty when they both say at the same time, "Tomorrow."

When he is born, Isabel and Lonnie deliver him together. They are close now, the original and her duplicate. Michael and Rath tolerate each other. Ava and Tess, in spite of their identical features, do not have much in common. But Lonnie and Isabel are best friends. They bond over many things, including their loyalty to their brothers, but mostly through their love and devotion to Liz and Max’s child.

Liz and Max call him Sam. There is some discussion that he should be named for Zan, but it is not serious, particularly after Rath says, "Zan would be pissed."

"You think?" Max asks. He does not sound surprised.

Rath stares at him for a long moment, then replies, "You should know. Wouldn’t you be?"

"Yeah," Max says quietly.

"Why?" Ava interjects. "I mean, it’s nice, isn’t it?"

"Sam is his own person," Max tells her. "He should have his own name." Rath nods his head in agreement.

Later, they are lying in their bed, their baby asleep between them. Everyone is finally gone again - at least for a little while - and Liz asks Max to elaborate.

"Zan’s entire life was wrapped up in being a duplicate," Max explains quietly. "He wouldn’t want that for his son. The pressure of being the second anything. Even the second Zan."

And, so, Sam becomes his own person and they all watch him grow with awe and wonder.

***

"Why did it happen?" Sam finally asks.

They are again driving west. He has been quiet for a while. They have not asked him what he is feeling because they know that he will tell them when he is ready. Besides, when he is upset, their connection to him is strong. It has always been so, since the day of his birth. He is not upset. He is thoughtful.

Max hears Liz release a small breath. He lets her answer, because they have discussed what they will say when this time comes. "Because he loved you, Sweetie. He knew that we would love you, too. And he wanted you to be safe."

They both know still that it is not the only reason. They have both known it since the day they knew he was coming.

But it is the main reason. And, for now, because they know it together, it is the only reason that matters.


The End

Hi everyone! I'm here for a few reasons.

First, I just wanted to thank you all for the nominations for this fic. They really mean a lot. This fic is very close to my heart, and was a real departure for me, and I'm just so touched that you liked it.

Plus, I think Cristine deserves to have this nominee banner shown off as many places as possible. Isn't it beautiful?



Best Dreamer Fanfic
Best Dupe Fic
Most Imaginative Fic
Best Future Fic
Best Challenge Response Fic
Best Post-Episode Fanfic
Most Angsty Fic
Fic That Made You Cry the Hardest
Best Medium Length Fic
Most Suspenseful Fic
Most Memorable Scene - Zan sacrifices himself
Best Lead Portrayal of Liz Parker (this one is particularly thrilling! I've never been nominated for a portrayal of Liz before! I love the character portrayal awards. To me, they are such the crux of fanfic)
Best Portrayal of a Dupe - Zan (I'm thrilled by this one too! I mean, when I started this fic, I hated the dupes. lol Part of the reason I wrote this was for the challenge of turning them into characters I could buy into).
Best Canon Writer

Anyway, thank you so much again!

I also wanted to add a comment regarding the fact that several of you really want to know about Sam's destiny, in order to really understand WHY Zan had to die. You know, I discussed this at length with Gioia when I finished Burn For Me the way I did, and she told me about a story she had once read, where the reason WHY for something that had occured was never revealed, but you just had the sense that it was right. I'm beginning to believe that for BFM, this is the way that it is supposed to end. I know why Sam exists, but I think I prefer to have you all decide on your own why things happened as they did.

Or maybe I'm just lazy? Who knows? lol Maybe I'll get the urge to write a tag sequel, ala Fall On Your Knees sometime in the future. I really love imagining the futures of the children Max and Liz might have had together.

Anyway, thank you all again for how you have embraced this story. It means so much. And now, please go and vote in the poll I've attached to this fic, about my other incomplete fics. I really would like to have an idea about which fics my readers are most interested in seeing completed. I plan to finish them all, but my muse needs a kick in the ass. lol

Kath