Posted: Thu Sep 16, 2004 4:09 pm
I hope it makes sense...
No Regrets
Chapter 20
I shove my way through a crowd of laughter, voices and noise, and escape from the emptying lecture hall, thinking if there’s any module I’m going to fail its this Filariasis crap. In fact I’d be pretty darned lucky if I actually scraped a pass this year.
Its time to get your head down Liz girl. I mutter to myself. This time mere good luck and brain potion from Maria won't be successful, no matter how much Maria ‘swears’ by it.
I half squat on the bench, balancing my strap bag on my knees, fastening it closed and giving myself a mental pep talk about clearing cobwebs and getting down to study. Which, I’m sure puts the stamp on my ‘weirdo’ status, as people half pretend not to stare as they, walk past me. But I’m past caring. This is desperation, and desperation calls for drastic measures…or something like that.
I’ve told myself that I’m going to go the library right now and study my ass off, when a huge arm, rams itself around my neck and drags me through the corridor.
“Oh, hey Colin,” I say, shrugging his arm away me, as he unmercilessly pulls at my poor neck, “You alright? I smile uncomfortably.
“Great. This Modules a piece of cake don’t you think? Gunna breeze through it this year.”
“Um…” I say rubbing my neck and trying to hide my ‘oh, crap’ face.
When Colin finds something easy, then I KNOW I’m in deep shit.
To my advantage, Colin isn't exactly the most perceptive guy, so he doesn't notice. I tap my foot impatiently, as he takes his time checking out a few blondes that walk past, when he’s done, he finally turns back to me. “Its my birthday. Bar crawl through town, and then going to club Lumini, where its school night.” he gives my chin a playful punch, “Be there or be square.”
“I was actually planning to study this week.” Then a moment later, realise how lame that must sound.
“Is that a brush off Liz?” he laughs, leaning against the ledge, primping his huge muscles, “You have the whole week to study, give it a miss on Friday. You my dear, have to be there” He smiles, but suddenly it sounds more like a threat, then an invitation, and I’m agreeing despite myself, as well as being hit with the realisation, why no one ever misses a Detroit party.
“Okaaaay, then!” He holds up his hand and I stare blankly before giving him a high five, for which, I have to jump slightly because he’s so huge.
He turns to walk off but then stops and turns back around, “ Brads coming back Friday? I bet you can’t wait.”
“Yeah.” I say, distractedly. Distracted because I’ve just noticed Maria walking right toward me, Colin tells me how he’s looking forward to meeting his buddy, and lists off a few directions to where everyone’s meeting up. He veers off to the right, as Maria approaches from my left. My instant reaction is to follow Colin. And just like I’ve been doing for the last two days, avoid bumping into her before she catches me, and the dreaded inquisition begins.
I’m just turning, when a tall guy shoves past her roughly, and all her books and pens fall from her bag and scatter all the way across the corridor.
I stand. In between turning to my right and looking at Maria as she pulls a frustrated face, and begins picking up all her stuff.
Loyalty wins, as I pick up a few of her pens on the way. I mean what kind of friend would I be if I just left her like this?
“Hey.”
“Hey.” She says dully, vaguely looking at me, as she grabs her stationary from my hands. Then double takes as she realises who I am. “Oh! Hey!” She says, more enthusiastically, realising I’m not just some bystander, who's kindly decided to give her a helping hand. She turns to pick up a few scraps of paper lying by her feet. “So, Where have you been for the last two days?”
I squat down beside her. “I’ve been here. You know. Here and there.”
“Right. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’d been avoiding me.” She stands up.
“Me?…Why would I...?” I say innocently, looking up at her.
But before Maria can move from scathing looks, to sordid lecture, all her stuff falls out again through her bag, which is now supporting a massive hole.
“Oh, Why! Damn-it.” She curses, kneeling back down. “ Is anything going to go right today?” her lips are tight and she looks tired. She begins throwing her things right through the hole in the bag.
“You okay?”
“Fine.” She says hardily, shoving a few pens into her bag, which fall back to the floor with a clang.
“Perhaps you shouldn’t do that.” I pick them up from the floor, “They’re dropping back through.”
Maria notices the hole for the first time. “No way. This is a freaking cheek, first those damned flip flops and now this. Shit.” she mutters a myriad of curses under her breath.
I peer at her concernedly. Something tells me its not just flip flops and her bag that’s put her in such a vile mood, in fact, I have a pretty good idea what it is. But I ask, “What is it?”
“Its nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“Nothing. Nothing at all… Nope… Its Michael.”
“What? Really?” I ask, feigning surprise.
“The guy is just so impossible, but you know what Liz? You know what? I’m not going to give him the satisfaction by raving about him. I just won’t do it.” She stands up straight.
There’s silence as I grab all the excess left on the floor, and follow her.
“Two years. Does two years mean anything to you?” she points a handful of stationary at me, but goes on, before I can think of a viable response to her question. “We’ve been seeing each other for two years, and I cant even talk to the guy. I mean all I asked him, was if he had any idea where we were going with our relationship. Is that a plausible question? “ I open my mouth to answer, but she doesn’t seem to notice. “Yes. it is. And do you know what he said?” I don’t answer, expecting her to go on. But there’s a long silence whilst she looks at me questioningly.
“What?” I ask quickly.
“That he was busy. And he made it all so trivial. He made me seem so trivial. And busy?…pah. Do you know what he was doing?... He was on his play station.” She pauses dramatically, so I guess this is where I step in and tell her that Michael isn’t all that bad.
“Ma—“
“Don’t make excuses Liz.” She cuts me off, “No. This is it. Final straw. Michael and I are a over. I don’t need him, and I am not going to be a replica of my parents marriage. No I am not. " she tosses her hair, "I can date.”
Uh...
“Yes, you can?” I say weakly, not really knowing where she's going with this. Or as usual, whether I'm meant to support Michael’s wrong doings and tell her things will be okay, or curse him as vilely as she is. So as usual, I decide to sit on the fence.
“It doesn’t matter that I haven’t been on one for three years. I can take my pick. Like, him for example.” Maria points at a curly haired, lanky guy, whose nose is buried in, ‘The finance of life’ as he stumbles through the crowded corridor.
“What? Stuart Riddle?”
“Ok maybe not him, but--“
“You pointed at him.”
“Yes but, he was just there okay?” she sighs, “ how do you do it Liz?”
“...Do what?” I ask her carefully.
“Everyone adores you.”
I want to half laugh at her statement, in fact its probably the funniest thing I’ve heard all week. “I wish Maria.”
“Oh come on. Brad. Max. Do you know Stitch would actually stick posters of you up on her wall if they made them.”
“What? No, that’s really not…”
“Speaking of which,” a light goes off in her eyes.
Ut oh here it is…. But I beat her to it. “I wanted to speak to you about that.” I say quickly.
“You did? From all the avoiding you’ve been doing I thought you didn’t. Silly me.”
“Listen. Just keep it quiet until Brad comes back you know. Its all a little, well, confusing.”
“Of course.”
“Okay.” I nod.
“Good.” she smiles widely.
I look at her, suspiciously. “You haven’t told anyone have you?”
“No!” she cries, then looks around suddenly, avoiding my gaze, “ No…Well, not really…just Stitch”
“Stitch knows?” I ask horrified. The girl must think I’m absolutely crazy, being with Max, after all the confusing details I drummed into her about how Max cheated on me and my absolute hate for him. “Stitch knows.” I repeat, making a mental note to tell her the real story as soon as I get the chance. At least for Max, if not for myself.
“And Kyle.”
“Maria!” I cry, stopping dead and throwing her an exasperated look.
Maria makes a pained expression, “Stitch was with me and she’d seen quite a bit before I could send her off to the other room, and well Kyle…I couldn’t find you for two days! What was I mwant to do Liz? I turned to Kyle for solace.”
“Turned to Kyle for solace! In other words you couldn’t keep it to yourself. Is there anyone who doesn’t know?”
“Just them two. I swear…listen I have to go. We’ll be talking about this…” she grabs her stuff from me and turns toward the lecture hall.
“Maria, wait!” I cry, hoping for some kind of tip off as to what Kyle’s reaction to this whole thing is, because even though not done purposely avoiding Maria, had consequently resulted in avoiding Kyle too and now that Kyle is all in the know. Theres no doubt that he would want some kind of explanation.
“Liz, I’m late already!”
“Maria hold--,” Greensleaves goes off in my bag shove my hand into it searching for my cell.
I roll my eyes Maria skips off, looking back to poke her tongue at me, before disappearing inside the lecture hall. I look down at the screen and stop dead.
Time seems to slow and people around me seem to fade into oblivion as I stare down at the screen and slowly bring to my ear.
“Hey Dad.”
*****
Scratching pens, the light tinkle of rain and smell of stale coffee, surround me as I sit on a table half hidden by a no longer used notice board that is covered with old fliers, in the nearly always, desolated cafeteria on the South side of campus.
You don’t find many here, unless its your average panicked third year student, cramming and wanting to be away from the usual mill. Chosen for seclusion and protection from prying eyes, Max and I have been meeting here for the last two days.
Strands of damp her falls over my eyes, as I concentrate on my bic, watching it roll over to the edge of the lopsided table and catching before it reaches the edge. It rolls, reaches the edge and I catch.
Roll. Catch. Roll. Catch.
I won’t let it fall over the edge. I won’t… But sometimes it comes close to going over.
So close.
Roll. Catch.
Its ritualistic, yet my eyes are screwed in concentration hard, so I don’t have to think about other things plaguing me, or the chilliness that clamps my insides in the warm cafeteria.
My stomach grumbles in anticipation.
Roll. Catch.
As I lift my eyes, the doors flung open, and Max struts through running his hand through his wet hair, and shaking himself off a little. There’s a small sift in attention as the few eyes around me focus on him.
His eyes travel around the near empty cafeteria and land on me, he smiles and my tummy does, a funny little somersault that I can’t control.
“Its like monsoon season out there.” He tells me as he leans forward to place a kiss on my lips.
Uncharacteristically, I turn my face, causing his damp lips to brush the side of my face, blushing as he gives me a noticeable look, but doesn’t make any more of it.
He walks over the drinks machine, to get my hot chocolate and his coffee, and is there a while because the rusty thing decides to play up. After kicking and shaking it he passes me a Styrofoam cup, of murky looking water and makes himself comfortable beside me.
“What’s that face for? Is it cause I’m late? You’re lucky I turned up.”
“Wow. that makes me feel so much better.”
“Seriously, Natalie’s so persistent, its actually beginning to get a little annoying. You know, kinda like a fly that won’t stop buzzing around you.”
I suppress a smile at his anology. “So why don’t you tell her something to get her off your back, or it couldn’t be that innocent Maxie pooh adores all that attention?”
“Well, besides that.” He says thoughtfully, “ I would have thought telling someone you're not interested would drill the message in."
"What did you say?”
" I said. 'I am not interested'."
“Perhaps you should try a different tactic.”
“Really? Like what?” he asks, the steam from his coffee, masking his face,
“I don’t know. Something to keep her away. Like say you're gay.”
He stares at me openly, before snorting loudly. “I’m gay? She’d have to be totally, blind, deaf and dumb to believe that.”
“Anything can be done.” I say stoutly taking a sip of hot chocolate, the warmth flows through my throat, though the chilliness continues to reside, “”If you want it hard enough.”
“Well excuse me for not wanting the whole campus to think I’m homosexual when clearly I’m not.” He says callously.
I roll my eyes and throw a napkin at him across the table, he picks up the napkin and fists in ball and throws it back at me, I duck sideways just in time, to see it bounce on the table of a studying blonde behind us. Max waves politely and mouths a sorry, before pointing out me as the culprit.
“Ass.” I hiss.
“You need to get a grip on that jealous rage of yours.” He teases.
I snort. “Jealousy and me? Why would I be jealous of someone as dumb as her.”
“Dumb.”
“Yes. She’d have to be dumb to persist with you.”
“Ouch.” He tilts his head, catlike eyes surveying me, “So you’d say that for all my women?”
I try to fist him, but he grabs my hand and our fingers entwine. The cold inside me, lessens slightly.
I move a little closer, even though damp from the weather outside, his bodies warm, his thighs sending little tingles of heat into mine. I watch as he surveys our entwined hand, like surveying a Monet piece. Mussed hair, drying naturally after the rain, glistening green eyes, shining with mischievousness and charm, he licks his mouth and looks up at me, I drop my gaze to the table.
I hate being caught like that.
“I don’t know how long I can do this.” He says gently bringing my palm to his mouth.
“What?” I ask breathily.
“Sneak around. Not touch you. Kiss you.”
I feel exactly the same way, but say, “You horn dog. That much sex should have keep you sated for a few weeks at least!”
He’s looking at me penetratingly, “Are you?”
“Am I what?” I ask, tracing the rim of my cup with my free hand.
“Sated?”
I wonder which meaning he’s implying. Sated sexually, or sated with what we have, right now.
I shrug. “I guess not…but… we have to wait for Brad and…”
Guilt knaws at my insides as I try to explain. Brad. He didn’t deserve this. My mind keeps yelling, Cheat. Liar. Traitor, even though I know, I couldn’t have stopped myself two days ago. No matter what.
“I know.” He says lightly. “I know.” And there’s guilt written over his own features too.
****
Its late. Much later then I anticipated, yet it seems that we've spent no time together at all.
The grass is wet and sludgy as we walk across Berkley Park, the breeze gentle in the night air. The moon casts faint shadows across the grass as Max uses enthusiastic hand gestures to explain, what happened in the ice hockey game, last night for like the 50th time.
Ok. So ice hockey is good. But excuse me for being a girl, because its not THAT good. Still though, I listen. Its not often you feel like you could listen to someone forever.
“So everyone thinks he’s coming from the left… after his counter defence attack right? But no, he swoops in from the right and he--why are you smiling?”
“No reason.” I smile broadly.
“Liz. You’re smiling. You.”
My eyes brows furrow together. “What that supposed to mean?”
“Absolutely nothing…though, I’m expecting to see a flying pig any moment now.”
“Max!” I jump forward to punch him, but he dodges out of the way. Then we ensue in a game of tag. I chase him around the park slipping and cursing the whole way, until we end up on the floor, in mud covered and grass stained clothes, panting and grabbing. Somehow, the tables have turned, and Max is now the pursuer. I dodge just in time, but he grabs my leg just I'm about to crawl away, Max wrestles me to the ground, not caring how mud soaked our clothes get when, something catches my eye.
“Hey. hey Max. Stop! Okay. I give in. Max!" I grab his face, because he doesn’t seem to be hearing me. "Do you remember that tree?”
He gives me a ‘huh?’ look and looks around the park. “There are a lot of trees here Liz…oh..." he's subdued when he speaks, "that was so long ago.”
“It was.” Our first kiss. Though I still remember the tentative feelings, the explosion, the uncertainty as if it were yesterday.
He looks at me. “You’ve changed so much.”
I glance back into those quizzical eyes and smile lightly. “People change.”
“There’s no way to go back, huh?”
I laugh. “Am I that bad?”
“No, its just…nothing.” he moves to get up.
“Max!” I grab his arm and pull him back beside me.
“Liz.” He retaliates in all seriousness.
“You can’t do that.”
He turns toward me, “ People do change with time. But, I feel like you’re holding back. Its like there’s so much in there," he points to my chest, " but your keeping it from me and I don’t know what I can do.” he pauses, “Is it the past? Is it Brad? ”
“Partly…” I gulp at his surveying look, he's giving me, “ And, the reason I’ve been feeling a little awkward is because dad called me today." I admit, " Out of the blue. I wasn’t expecting it.”
“And…?”
“He’s says he’s on a business trip and he’s coming past and…well, he wants to meet up.”
Max nods. “That’s not a good thing I take it?”
“No. Yes, it is. I don’t know. I don’t know if I want to. We haven’t met in so long.”
”So what’s the problem?”
“If I meet him…I guess I’ll have all these expectations and with it will come this yearning of what I can’t have…and maybe its just better this way….” I trail off and shrug, “I know I sound a little crazy…and you won’t get it.”
“I do.” He says quickly. “I do.” He watches me, and I flush under his gaze.
“Quit watching me like I’m some mental case will you?” I laugh, embarrassedly.
Max ignores my outburst, “And if you meet him and everything meets your expectations. I’m not saying that they will…” he goes on when I throw a disbelieving look, “What I’m saying is, you won't ever know how good things can be, unless you give it a go. Don’t let the past hold you back from what you really want.”
“I know Max. I just feel like something’s meant to go wrong. The same with you and I. Its too…” I look up at him, the moonlight setting off darkened pupils and edges to his face.
He traces the bow of my upper lip. “Perfect?”
I sigh.
“It can’t be…things just can’t be this right. They just can’t be… When I’m with you…I feel… “ I groan, giving up, I’m not good at this. Yet something in his eyes tell me he understands. I don’t have to say a thing and he’ll understand. “Something will go wrong. It will.” I say with absolute conviction.
“ It wont.” He says with not a sound of doubt in his voice.
“I--,”
“Trust me. It won’t” his hands rest over my lower back, and he pulls me against him, covered by the shelter of leafy tree, as droplets of rain, begin to sprinkle us.
“Promise?” I ask doubtfully.
“Promise." I can barely make out his full expression in the dark, yet my heart fills with something that I haven’t felt in quite a while. Hope. And it feels good. I feel like I’m finally breaking the barriers. Like I'm free. Like I could conquer the world.
He strokes my cheek, “As long as you try to believe again. As long as you're not so hard on yourself.”
I shrug, “Okay.”
“Promise?” he teases.
I roll my eyes, “With all my heart.”
“You sure you still have one?”
I find myself laughing too, and grasp his face, pulling him forward. “Come here.” I wrap my arms around him, as his fingers weave through my hair, and I kiss him, with all the openness, love and affection I can offer.
"Now that’s more like it." He mumbles against my mouth, and I smile as our kiss grows fiercer, one on one, with the deepening rain.
After everything that’s happened, things are starting to look up and even though a part of me is yelling that it’ll all go wrong, that I shouldn’t tread into a world of happiness, because like usual, it’ll crumble…somewhere inside me, a tiny small part, says, perhaps its about time…
Perhaps its about time I felt this way.
****
No Regrets
Chapter 20
I shove my way through a crowd of laughter, voices and noise, and escape from the emptying lecture hall, thinking if there’s any module I’m going to fail its this Filariasis crap. In fact I’d be pretty darned lucky if I actually scraped a pass this year.
Its time to get your head down Liz girl. I mutter to myself. This time mere good luck and brain potion from Maria won't be successful, no matter how much Maria ‘swears’ by it.
I half squat on the bench, balancing my strap bag on my knees, fastening it closed and giving myself a mental pep talk about clearing cobwebs and getting down to study. Which, I’m sure puts the stamp on my ‘weirdo’ status, as people half pretend not to stare as they, walk past me. But I’m past caring. This is desperation, and desperation calls for drastic measures…or something like that.
I’ve told myself that I’m going to go the library right now and study my ass off, when a huge arm, rams itself around my neck and drags me through the corridor.
“Oh, hey Colin,” I say, shrugging his arm away me, as he unmercilessly pulls at my poor neck, “You alright? I smile uncomfortably.
“Great. This Modules a piece of cake don’t you think? Gunna breeze through it this year.”
“Um…” I say rubbing my neck and trying to hide my ‘oh, crap’ face.
When Colin finds something easy, then I KNOW I’m in deep shit.
To my advantage, Colin isn't exactly the most perceptive guy, so he doesn't notice. I tap my foot impatiently, as he takes his time checking out a few blondes that walk past, when he’s done, he finally turns back to me. “Its my birthday. Bar crawl through town, and then going to club Lumini, where its school night.” he gives my chin a playful punch, “Be there or be square.”
“I was actually planning to study this week.” Then a moment later, realise how lame that must sound.
“Is that a brush off Liz?” he laughs, leaning against the ledge, primping his huge muscles, “You have the whole week to study, give it a miss on Friday. You my dear, have to be there” He smiles, but suddenly it sounds more like a threat, then an invitation, and I’m agreeing despite myself, as well as being hit with the realisation, why no one ever misses a Detroit party.
“Okaaaay, then!” He holds up his hand and I stare blankly before giving him a high five, for which, I have to jump slightly because he’s so huge.
He turns to walk off but then stops and turns back around, “ Brads coming back Friday? I bet you can’t wait.”
“Yeah.” I say, distractedly. Distracted because I’ve just noticed Maria walking right toward me, Colin tells me how he’s looking forward to meeting his buddy, and lists off a few directions to where everyone’s meeting up. He veers off to the right, as Maria approaches from my left. My instant reaction is to follow Colin. And just like I’ve been doing for the last two days, avoid bumping into her before she catches me, and the dreaded inquisition begins.
I’m just turning, when a tall guy shoves past her roughly, and all her books and pens fall from her bag and scatter all the way across the corridor.
I stand. In between turning to my right and looking at Maria as she pulls a frustrated face, and begins picking up all her stuff.
Loyalty wins, as I pick up a few of her pens on the way. I mean what kind of friend would I be if I just left her like this?
“Hey.”
“Hey.” She says dully, vaguely looking at me, as she grabs her stationary from my hands. Then double takes as she realises who I am. “Oh! Hey!” She says, more enthusiastically, realising I’m not just some bystander, who's kindly decided to give her a helping hand. She turns to pick up a few scraps of paper lying by her feet. “So, Where have you been for the last two days?”
I squat down beside her. “I’ve been here. You know. Here and there.”
“Right. If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you’d been avoiding me.” She stands up.
“Me?…Why would I...?” I say innocently, looking up at her.
But before Maria can move from scathing looks, to sordid lecture, all her stuff falls out again through her bag, which is now supporting a massive hole.
“Oh, Why! Damn-it.” She curses, kneeling back down. “ Is anything going to go right today?” her lips are tight and she looks tired. She begins throwing her things right through the hole in the bag.
“You okay?”
“Fine.” She says hardily, shoving a few pens into her bag, which fall back to the floor with a clang.
“Perhaps you shouldn’t do that.” I pick them up from the floor, “They’re dropping back through.”
Maria notices the hole for the first time. “No way. This is a freaking cheek, first those damned flip flops and now this. Shit.” she mutters a myriad of curses under her breath.
I peer at her concernedly. Something tells me its not just flip flops and her bag that’s put her in such a vile mood, in fact, I have a pretty good idea what it is. But I ask, “What is it?”
“Its nothing.”
“Nothing?”
“Nothing. Nothing at all… Nope… Its Michael.”
“What? Really?” I ask, feigning surprise.
“The guy is just so impossible, but you know what Liz? You know what? I’m not going to give him the satisfaction by raving about him. I just won’t do it.” She stands up straight.
There’s silence as I grab all the excess left on the floor, and follow her.
“Two years. Does two years mean anything to you?” she points a handful of stationary at me, but goes on, before I can think of a viable response to her question. “We’ve been seeing each other for two years, and I cant even talk to the guy. I mean all I asked him, was if he had any idea where we were going with our relationship. Is that a plausible question? “ I open my mouth to answer, but she doesn’t seem to notice. “Yes. it is. And do you know what he said?” I don’t answer, expecting her to go on. But there’s a long silence whilst she looks at me questioningly.
“What?” I ask quickly.
“That he was busy. And he made it all so trivial. He made me seem so trivial. And busy?…pah. Do you know what he was doing?... He was on his play station.” She pauses dramatically, so I guess this is where I step in and tell her that Michael isn’t all that bad.
“Ma—“
“Don’t make excuses Liz.” She cuts me off, “No. This is it. Final straw. Michael and I are a over. I don’t need him, and I am not going to be a replica of my parents marriage. No I am not. " she tosses her hair, "I can date.”
Uh...
“Yes, you can?” I say weakly, not really knowing where she's going with this. Or as usual, whether I'm meant to support Michael’s wrong doings and tell her things will be okay, or curse him as vilely as she is. So as usual, I decide to sit on the fence.
“It doesn’t matter that I haven’t been on one for three years. I can take my pick. Like, him for example.” Maria points at a curly haired, lanky guy, whose nose is buried in, ‘The finance of life’ as he stumbles through the crowded corridor.
“What? Stuart Riddle?”
“Ok maybe not him, but--“
“You pointed at him.”
“Yes but, he was just there okay?” she sighs, “ how do you do it Liz?”
“...Do what?” I ask her carefully.
“Everyone adores you.”
I want to half laugh at her statement, in fact its probably the funniest thing I’ve heard all week. “I wish Maria.”
“Oh come on. Brad. Max. Do you know Stitch would actually stick posters of you up on her wall if they made them.”
“What? No, that’s really not…”
“Speaking of which,” a light goes off in her eyes.
Ut oh here it is…. But I beat her to it. “I wanted to speak to you about that.” I say quickly.
“You did? From all the avoiding you’ve been doing I thought you didn’t. Silly me.”
“Listen. Just keep it quiet until Brad comes back you know. Its all a little, well, confusing.”
“Of course.”
“Okay.” I nod.
“Good.” she smiles widely.
I look at her, suspiciously. “You haven’t told anyone have you?”
“No!” she cries, then looks around suddenly, avoiding my gaze, “ No…Well, not really…just Stitch”
“Stitch knows?” I ask horrified. The girl must think I’m absolutely crazy, being with Max, after all the confusing details I drummed into her about how Max cheated on me and my absolute hate for him. “Stitch knows.” I repeat, making a mental note to tell her the real story as soon as I get the chance. At least for Max, if not for myself.
“And Kyle.”
“Maria!” I cry, stopping dead and throwing her an exasperated look.
Maria makes a pained expression, “Stitch was with me and she’d seen quite a bit before I could send her off to the other room, and well Kyle…I couldn’t find you for two days! What was I mwant to do Liz? I turned to Kyle for solace.”
“Turned to Kyle for solace! In other words you couldn’t keep it to yourself. Is there anyone who doesn’t know?”
“Just them two. I swear…listen I have to go. We’ll be talking about this…” she grabs her stuff from me and turns toward the lecture hall.
“Maria, wait!” I cry, hoping for some kind of tip off as to what Kyle’s reaction to this whole thing is, because even though not done purposely avoiding Maria, had consequently resulted in avoiding Kyle too and now that Kyle is all in the know. Theres no doubt that he would want some kind of explanation.
“Liz, I’m late already!”
“Maria hold--,” Greensleaves goes off in my bag shove my hand into it searching for my cell.
I roll my eyes Maria skips off, looking back to poke her tongue at me, before disappearing inside the lecture hall. I look down at the screen and stop dead.
Time seems to slow and people around me seem to fade into oblivion as I stare down at the screen and slowly bring to my ear.
“Hey Dad.”
*****
Scratching pens, the light tinkle of rain and smell of stale coffee, surround me as I sit on a table half hidden by a no longer used notice board that is covered with old fliers, in the nearly always, desolated cafeteria on the South side of campus.
You don’t find many here, unless its your average panicked third year student, cramming and wanting to be away from the usual mill. Chosen for seclusion and protection from prying eyes, Max and I have been meeting here for the last two days.
Strands of damp her falls over my eyes, as I concentrate on my bic, watching it roll over to the edge of the lopsided table and catching before it reaches the edge. It rolls, reaches the edge and I catch.
Roll. Catch. Roll. Catch.
I won’t let it fall over the edge. I won’t… But sometimes it comes close to going over.
So close.
Roll. Catch.
Its ritualistic, yet my eyes are screwed in concentration hard, so I don’t have to think about other things plaguing me, or the chilliness that clamps my insides in the warm cafeteria.
My stomach grumbles in anticipation.
Roll. Catch.
As I lift my eyes, the doors flung open, and Max struts through running his hand through his wet hair, and shaking himself off a little. There’s a small sift in attention as the few eyes around me focus on him.
His eyes travel around the near empty cafeteria and land on me, he smiles and my tummy does, a funny little somersault that I can’t control.
“Its like monsoon season out there.” He tells me as he leans forward to place a kiss on my lips.
Uncharacteristically, I turn my face, causing his damp lips to brush the side of my face, blushing as he gives me a noticeable look, but doesn’t make any more of it.
He walks over the drinks machine, to get my hot chocolate and his coffee, and is there a while because the rusty thing decides to play up. After kicking and shaking it he passes me a Styrofoam cup, of murky looking water and makes himself comfortable beside me.
“What’s that face for? Is it cause I’m late? You’re lucky I turned up.”
“Wow. that makes me feel so much better.”
“Seriously, Natalie’s so persistent, its actually beginning to get a little annoying. You know, kinda like a fly that won’t stop buzzing around you.”
I suppress a smile at his anology. “So why don’t you tell her something to get her off your back, or it couldn’t be that innocent Maxie pooh adores all that attention?”
“Well, besides that.” He says thoughtfully, “ I would have thought telling someone you're not interested would drill the message in."
"What did you say?”
" I said. 'I am not interested'."
“Perhaps you should try a different tactic.”
“Really? Like what?” he asks, the steam from his coffee, masking his face,
“I don’t know. Something to keep her away. Like say you're gay.”
He stares at me openly, before snorting loudly. “I’m gay? She’d have to be totally, blind, deaf and dumb to believe that.”
“Anything can be done.” I say stoutly taking a sip of hot chocolate, the warmth flows through my throat, though the chilliness continues to reside, “”If you want it hard enough.”
“Well excuse me for not wanting the whole campus to think I’m homosexual when clearly I’m not.” He says callously.
I roll my eyes and throw a napkin at him across the table, he picks up the napkin and fists in ball and throws it back at me, I duck sideways just in time, to see it bounce on the table of a studying blonde behind us. Max waves politely and mouths a sorry, before pointing out me as the culprit.
“Ass.” I hiss.
“You need to get a grip on that jealous rage of yours.” He teases.
I snort. “Jealousy and me? Why would I be jealous of someone as dumb as her.”
“Dumb.”
“Yes. She’d have to be dumb to persist with you.”
“Ouch.” He tilts his head, catlike eyes surveying me, “So you’d say that for all my women?”
I try to fist him, but he grabs my hand and our fingers entwine. The cold inside me, lessens slightly.
I move a little closer, even though damp from the weather outside, his bodies warm, his thighs sending little tingles of heat into mine. I watch as he surveys our entwined hand, like surveying a Monet piece. Mussed hair, drying naturally after the rain, glistening green eyes, shining with mischievousness and charm, he licks his mouth and looks up at me, I drop my gaze to the table.
I hate being caught like that.
“I don’t know how long I can do this.” He says gently bringing my palm to his mouth.
“What?” I ask breathily.
“Sneak around. Not touch you. Kiss you.”
I feel exactly the same way, but say, “You horn dog. That much sex should have keep you sated for a few weeks at least!”
He’s looking at me penetratingly, “Are you?”
“Am I what?” I ask, tracing the rim of my cup with my free hand.
“Sated?”
I wonder which meaning he’s implying. Sated sexually, or sated with what we have, right now.
I shrug. “I guess not…but… we have to wait for Brad and…”
Guilt knaws at my insides as I try to explain. Brad. He didn’t deserve this. My mind keeps yelling, Cheat. Liar. Traitor, even though I know, I couldn’t have stopped myself two days ago. No matter what.
“I know.” He says lightly. “I know.” And there’s guilt written over his own features too.
****
Its late. Much later then I anticipated, yet it seems that we've spent no time together at all.
The grass is wet and sludgy as we walk across Berkley Park, the breeze gentle in the night air. The moon casts faint shadows across the grass as Max uses enthusiastic hand gestures to explain, what happened in the ice hockey game, last night for like the 50th time.
Ok. So ice hockey is good. But excuse me for being a girl, because its not THAT good. Still though, I listen. Its not often you feel like you could listen to someone forever.
“So everyone thinks he’s coming from the left… after his counter defence attack right? But no, he swoops in from the right and he--why are you smiling?”
“No reason.” I smile broadly.
“Liz. You’re smiling. You.”
My eyes brows furrow together. “What that supposed to mean?”
“Absolutely nothing…though, I’m expecting to see a flying pig any moment now.”
“Max!” I jump forward to punch him, but he dodges out of the way. Then we ensue in a game of tag. I chase him around the park slipping and cursing the whole way, until we end up on the floor, in mud covered and grass stained clothes, panting and grabbing. Somehow, the tables have turned, and Max is now the pursuer. I dodge just in time, but he grabs my leg just I'm about to crawl away, Max wrestles me to the ground, not caring how mud soaked our clothes get when, something catches my eye.
“Hey. hey Max. Stop! Okay. I give in. Max!" I grab his face, because he doesn’t seem to be hearing me. "Do you remember that tree?”
He gives me a ‘huh?’ look and looks around the park. “There are a lot of trees here Liz…oh..." he's subdued when he speaks, "that was so long ago.”
“It was.” Our first kiss. Though I still remember the tentative feelings, the explosion, the uncertainty as if it were yesterday.
He looks at me. “You’ve changed so much.”
I glance back into those quizzical eyes and smile lightly. “People change.”
“There’s no way to go back, huh?”
I laugh. “Am I that bad?”
“No, its just…nothing.” he moves to get up.
“Max!” I grab his arm and pull him back beside me.
“Liz.” He retaliates in all seriousness.
“You can’t do that.”
He turns toward me, “ People do change with time. But, I feel like you’re holding back. Its like there’s so much in there," he points to my chest, " but your keeping it from me and I don’t know what I can do.” he pauses, “Is it the past? Is it Brad? ”
“Partly…” I gulp at his surveying look, he's giving me, “ And, the reason I’ve been feeling a little awkward is because dad called me today." I admit, " Out of the blue. I wasn’t expecting it.”
“And…?”
“He’s says he’s on a business trip and he’s coming past and…well, he wants to meet up.”
Max nods. “That’s not a good thing I take it?”
“No. Yes, it is. I don’t know. I don’t know if I want to. We haven’t met in so long.”
”So what’s the problem?”
“If I meet him…I guess I’ll have all these expectations and with it will come this yearning of what I can’t have…and maybe its just better this way….” I trail off and shrug, “I know I sound a little crazy…and you won’t get it.”
“I do.” He says quickly. “I do.” He watches me, and I flush under his gaze.
“Quit watching me like I’m some mental case will you?” I laugh, embarrassedly.
Max ignores my outburst, “And if you meet him and everything meets your expectations. I’m not saying that they will…” he goes on when I throw a disbelieving look, “What I’m saying is, you won't ever know how good things can be, unless you give it a go. Don’t let the past hold you back from what you really want.”
“I know Max. I just feel like something’s meant to go wrong. The same with you and I. Its too…” I look up at him, the moonlight setting off darkened pupils and edges to his face.
He traces the bow of my upper lip. “Perfect?”
I sigh.
“It can’t be…things just can’t be this right. They just can’t be… When I’m with you…I feel… “ I groan, giving up, I’m not good at this. Yet something in his eyes tell me he understands. I don’t have to say a thing and he’ll understand. “Something will go wrong. It will.” I say with absolute conviction.
“ It wont.” He says with not a sound of doubt in his voice.
“I--,”
“Trust me. It won’t” his hands rest over my lower back, and he pulls me against him, covered by the shelter of leafy tree, as droplets of rain, begin to sprinkle us.
“Promise?” I ask doubtfully.
“Promise." I can barely make out his full expression in the dark, yet my heart fills with something that I haven’t felt in quite a while. Hope. And it feels good. I feel like I’m finally breaking the barriers. Like I'm free. Like I could conquer the world.
He strokes my cheek, “As long as you try to believe again. As long as you're not so hard on yourself.”
I shrug, “Okay.”
“Promise?” he teases.
I roll my eyes, “With all my heart.”
“You sure you still have one?”
I find myself laughing too, and grasp his face, pulling him forward. “Come here.” I wrap my arms around him, as his fingers weave through my hair, and I kiss him, with all the openness, love and affection I can offer.
"Now that’s more like it." He mumbles against my mouth, and I smile as our kiss grows fiercer, one on one, with the deepening rain.
After everything that’s happened, things are starting to look up and even though a part of me is yelling that it’ll all go wrong, that I shouldn’t tread into a world of happiness, because like usual, it’ll crumble…somewhere inside me, a tiny small part, says, perhaps its about time…
Perhaps its about time I felt this way.
****
