Eva: Whoaw, good news for all ? Are you ill, April?
I could be!
Anyway, I'm glad for all of them. For Maria because a new pregnancy would've complicated her life enormously.
Oh, certainly. She and Michael were just not ready for that.
And for Is able because there's still hope for her after all. It maybe won't stay Jesse but the way she was thinking gave me and her some hope.
She
did once again sleep with a guy she just met. But at the very least, at least she was having some positive thoughts for a change.
Carolyn: Rumors, rumors.......they spread fast.
Especially in a smaller school/smaller town. It's awful!
Well after being nervous, discussions of names it appears that they weren't pregnant after all.
I'm sure everyone was relieved after all......the time really wasn't right.
The timing was definitely not right, and Maria is definitely relieved. But Michael is . . . oddly disappointed.
Rod: Huh.....I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling on Jesse here? As of right now he's looking like a good guy so far. But I know you April and don't trust any nice/happiness you throw at us this early in the story
Well, you're right to be skeptical, given my writing history! It's probably a bit too early to form a full-fledged opinion of him yet.
Sara: Michael is clearly still not thinking straight. How does this 17 year old expect to go to college, support his girlfriend and her son and maybe another child? Does he not see that his own parents struggle? I don't know. I guess I am more mature than Michael...duh. HA!
You are certainly more mature than Michael!
You're right, he's not really thinking straight about it. He kind of tossed logic out the window when he thought she might be pregnant and caught up in the idea of it all. If he really thinks about it, he'll realize this is a good thing. But on this more guttural, emotional level . . . he's strangely disappointed by the results.
Isabel and Jesse....ok. Is he going to be a good guy in this?
We'll see.
I've never written Jesse in a fic before.
I wonder where we will go with Alex....curious to see what that relationship does.
You haven't seen the last of Alex in this story, but he's definitely trying to put some distance between himself and Isabel, because he doesn't want to be used by her.
Thank you for the feedback!
Part 61
School felt different the next day. It felt . . . sort of normal now that there was no pregnancy scare looming. Just another day to add to the long line of tally marks on his bedroom wall.
Coincidentally, Maria had gotten her period that morning. She looked up some stuff online and informed him that increased sexual activity could sometimes cause changes in a woman’s menstrual cycle. He wasn’t sure if he believed that or not, but . . . whatever. It was an explanation. A plausible one, too, because lately, her sexual activity had definitely been increased.
“Hey, guys,” Michael greeted his friends as he went up to the breakfast table.
“Hey, padre!” they all resounded, except for Kyle, who knew enough not to make a joke out of it.
“No, I’m not a padre,” he informed them. “It’s official, so . . .” He really didn’t want to go into any more detail than that. The whole thing was . . . kinda private. As private as it could be when everyone at school gossiped about it anyway.
“Oh, so she took the test?” Jase asked.
“Yeah.” That was all he wanted to say.
Jase grinned like an idiot. “Gnarly, man. You’re too young to have a kid.”
“Yeah, you got lucky,” Antonio agreed.
Bubba burped, and while he was chewing on his breakfast, said, “That would’ve been a bad deal, man, bein’ all tied down and shit.”
“Yeah, talk about tied down,” the others agreed.
Michael wished they would shut up. They didn’t get that nothing about being with Maria made him feel tied down. They didn’t get it because they didn’t know what it was like. They didn’t have girls they loved; they just had girls they fucked. Sort of like he used to have.
He sat down next to Kyle while Jase started to complain about his mom, and how she was begging him to stay in New Mexico for college. “And I was like, no way, Mom, I’m goin’ to Florida. Everyone knows the hottest girls go to Florida.”
Michael tuned the conversation out, still very much up in his own head, thinking about his own stuff.
Kyle was the only one who seemed to notice that he wasn’t his usual self. Leaning over, he quietly asked, “Are you okay, man?”
“Yeah,” he answered quickly. “Why wouldn’t I be?”
Kyle studied him intently for a moment, but then he sat back and let it go, didn’t ask any more questions. And that was good, because if Michael had to keep giving answers, it would become pretty obvious that he was lying.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Even though Isabel wasn’t usually one for PDA, it was hard not to show it with Jesse. She’d spent the whole night at his place, and she hadn’t even had to ask him to give her a ride to school that day. He’d just offered.
“Thanks for the ride,” she told him as they stood outside his car, kissing, trying to part.
“Anytime.”
She grinned, adding, “Thanks for the other ride, too.”
He chuckled. “Oh, you . . . are so clever.” He touched her smiling mouth with his index finger, then gave her another quick kiss. She wanted to keep kissing, but then the bell rang. She could hear it even from outside.
“Ugh, I have to go,” she groaned, seriously contemplating just skipping out on school today.
“Alright, I’ll see you soon.”
“Yeah.” Not soon enough, though. She was going to be thinking about him all day.
As she headed through the parking lot, she heard a familiar voice calling her name. “Isabel!” And soon, Tess caught up to her and jumped in front of her. “Hey.”
“Hey,” Isabel greeted.
“So . . . who’s that?” Tess pointed to Jesse, who was back in his car and waving at her as he backed out of the parking space.
“That’s Jesse,” she replied proudly.
“Uh-huh.” Tess nodded suspiciously. “And what’s Jesse’s last name?”
“Um . . . Ramirez? Rodriguez?”
Tess rolled her eyes.
“I don’t know. I just met him last night.”
“Oh, classy. Did you sleep with him?”
Isabel sighed, bracing herself for the inevitable onslaught of judgment. “Yes.”
“Isabel!” Tess whined. “How could you?”
“Did you get a good look at him?”
Tess rolled her eyes. “Okay, so he’s hot, but you’ve been doing this way too much lately. What are you up to now, three guys?”
“Five,” she corrected.
“What?” Tess shrieked. “There were others? What was this, like a gangbang?”
“No, there were others on . . . other nights.” Isabel cringed, hating that she’d wasted time with guys like Ryan when a guy like Jesse had existed all along. “Look, it doesn’t matter, though, because Jesse is a really nice, really smart guy. He was in law school.”
“Was?”
“Okay, he’s not anymore, but not because he flunked out. He dropped out. He’s starting his own business.”
“Doing what?”
“I . . . don’t know.” The limited amount of time that they’d known each other hadn’t exactly been consumed with talking.
“Well, what
do you know about him, Isabel?” Tess demanded shrilly. “His age?”
Yeah, that was going to be a fire-starter. “Twenty,” she lied.
“No way is that guy twenty.”
“Okay, fine, twenty-six,” she admitted.
“Twenty-
six?!” Tess shrieked. “Isabel, that’s, like, almost a decade older than you.”
“So?”
“
So? Does he know you’re only eighteen?”
“He’s fine with it.”
Tess laughed angrily. “Okay, then I don’t care how nice you say he is. Any twenty-six year old guy who willingly hooks up with a girl who’s still in high school is
not Prince Charming.”
“Look . . .” Isabel ignored the tardy bell as it rang. She’d just be late. She didn’t even care anymore. “I don’t expect you to be able to understand. My love life lately . . . it’s gotten complicated.”
Tess made a face. “And why wouldn’t I understand?”
“Because.”
“Because what?” she prodded. “I’m a simpleton or something? I’m an airhead?”
“No, I didn’t say that. But . . . come on, Tess, you’ve been with the same guy all throughout high school. You have your perfect little love story, for now.”
“For
now?” Tess echoed. “What’re you saying?”
“I’m saying . . . it’s bound to change.” Part of Isabel felt bad about everything she was saying, but the other part felt almost . . . liberated. She had listened to Tess ooh and aah about Kyle Valenti for so many years now, never once telling her what she really thought, never once being truly honest with her. But maybe she owed it to her to be honest, to not sugarcoat things anymore.
“It’s not gonna change,” Tess insisted. “Isabel,
you’re the one who doesn’t understand. You’ve never had a relationship like mine before. You think you’ve found it with Jesse, but he’s just another guy in what’s probably gonna end up being a long chain of guys if you keep this up.”
“Tess, I’m not looking to have what you and Kyle have,” Isabel told her bluntly. “No offense. I mean, it’s obvious you love him and he loves you. But take it from me, sometimes love isn’t enough. You’re still gonna be stuck here next year, and he’s gonna go off to college and be on ESPN all the time making these amazing plays. He’s gonna be as popular on that campus as he is here, probably even more so. And he’s gonna get attention from a lot of people, a lot of girls.” She shrugged apologetically. “I just don’t think you’re gonna be able to hold his interest.”
Tess stared at her in absolute bewilderment, pure, raw hurt in her eyes. Her mouth was open in shock, and she was crying.
“I’m sorry,” Isabel said. “I just don’t want you to get your hopes up, the way I did with Michael.”
“The way you’re doing with this Jesse guy.”
“I’m just trying to be honest with you.”
Tess shook her head, twin rivers of tears flowing down her cheeks. “Who
are you?” she choked out, covering her face with her hands as she ran inside the school building.
I’m Isabel Evans, she thought determinedly, ignoring the instinct to chase after her friend.
The same Isabel Evans I always have been.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“So what did your mom say?”
Michael swirled his fries around in the ketchup, feeling distracted. “Uh, she wasn’t thrilled that we were taking a pregnancy test, obviously. But when I told her it was negative, she was relieved like you were,” he answered, quickly correcting himself. “We were.”
“Oh, I’ll bet. Is she mad at us?”
“No. She just said we need to be really, really careful.”
Maria nodded in agreement, her alien antennae headband bobbing up and down with every movement. “We do. I just feel like this was a really close call.”
“Well . . . it worked out.” Truthfully, he was kind of tired of talking about it. So far at school today, it was all anybody wanted to ask him about. Even the teachers knew.
“God, imagine how stressed out we would be right now if we were having a baby,” she said. “I don’t even know how we would’ve afforded it, with you going to college and everything.”
“Well, I wouldn’t have gone,” he speculated with a nonchalant shrug.
“What?”
“Havin’ a kid or goin’ to college. What’s more important?”
She grunted, sounding regretful when she said, “Michael, that’s the kind of thinking that got me to drop out of high school.”
“We would’ve been fine,” he assured her.
“Yeah, but Michael, there’s more even than just money stuff,” Maria went on. “It’s really hard emotionally, too. And physically. It’s like . . . say goodbye to sleep once they’re born. For a few months at least.”
“Well . . . now I won’t have to find out how hard it is,” he mumbled.
She narrowed her eyes, looking at him intently. “Is everything okay?” she asked.
Same basic question Kyle had asked, and he still didn’t really know the answer. “It’s just been a crazy couple of days,” he dismissed.
“Yeah,” she agreed. She looked like she wanted to say more, but she couldn’t when Jeff Parker called out from the kitchen, “Maria, you’re still on the clock, right?”
She nodded sheepishly.
He gave her a non-threatening but stern look.
“I have to get back to work,” she said, leaning across the table to give him a quick kiss. “Kiss me again before you leave.”
He smiled. Didn’t she know by now that he’d kiss her every second of every day if he could?
When she was zipping through the restaurant again, waiting on her other customers, he pushed his plate away, oddly not hungry today. He watched her work for a few minutes, first gazing at her face, her beautiful smile. But eventually, he let himself look down at her stomach. That smooth, flat stomach of hers that only bulged out ever so slightly at the bottom when he was far enough inside.
God, what the hell was wrong with him? This wasn’t normal. It wasn’t normal to be feeling the way he felt after the news he’d gotten.
Snapping him out of his trance, Tess came trundling into the café, crashing into the seat across from him. “Isabel Evans is dead to me,” she declared.
“What the hell are you doin’ here?” he asked. “I thought juniors got their open lunch privileges revoked.”
“Any other day, I would’ve cared about that. Today . . . not so much. Congratulations on not being a father, by the way. I heard.”
“Uh . . . thanks?”
Her bottom lip quivered, and then, like a dam that had burst, she started crying. She reached over and grabbed a napkin, using it as a tissue, blowing into it loudly. “Oh god, she was so mean, Michael. She’s never said that stuff to me before.”
“Who, Isabel?”
“Yes!”
“What’d she say?” Good. This was good. Not good that they were fighting, obviously, but . . . hey, it gave him something else to think about.
“She basically said she thinks Kyle’s gonna, like, break up with me or cheat on me someday, because he’s gonna have all these other options in college, and I’m, like, not a good enough option or whatever.”
“Oh, Tess . . .” He never thought he’d see the day, but here it was: Instead of feeling mildly annoyed by Tess Harding, he felt sorry for her. “You can’t listen to her. She’s bein’ a bitch.”
“But what if she’s right, though?” she cried, her face reddening with every tear shed. “What if we peak in high school? And what if it’s all downhill from here? I mean, I don’t wanna ever lose him. I wanna be with him forever. And even if he doesn’t propose by the end of this year, it’s like . . . I still wanna marry him someday, and have kids with him, you know?”
He looked over to Maria again. She was standing at the order window now, laughing at something the cook said. Her laughter was even more beautiful than her signing was.
“Yeah,” he said longingly. “I know.” And just like that, he was back to thinking about the same old stuff again.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Dylan would have just gone running straight into the living room, tracking mud all over the beige carpet if Maria didn’t grab hold of him right at the door and stop him. “Hello?” she called as she removed his shoes.
Krista came out from the kitchen, wearing an apron covered in flour. “Oh, looks like somebody’s got some dirty shoes,” she remarked.
“Yeah, apparently they played outside a lot today.”
“Mommy?” Dylan cooed. “Can I watch TV?” He flashed her an exaggerated, hopeful smile.
Maria rubbed his head, at how effortlessly cute he could be. “Sure. I’ll bring you a snack.”
He darted into the living room, grabbed the remote, and plopped down on the couch.
“What’s he so eager to watch?” Krista asked.
“I don’t know.” Together they stood back and observed as he pressed two numbers on the remote, apparently knowing
exactly which channel to flip to. On the screen,
Jeopardy suddenly popped up.
“Huh.” It was the most boring trivia game show of all time as far as Maria was concerned. Plus, she never knew any of the answers.
“Well, at least it’s educational,” Krista said.
“Yeah, I guess.” She bent down to take off her own shoes, feeling the familiar strain of being on her feet all day.
“So how are you doing?” Krista asked.
“Oh, I’m good,” she answered. “Work was
not unbearable, so . . .”
“Yeah?” Krista smiled, nodding distractedly. “And everything’s . . . good? You’re . . . feeling good about everything?”
Maria tensed, sensing she knew what this was all about. “Look, Krista . . . I need to apologize. I’m really sorry you had to find out about our little . . . you know, situation . . . the way you did. I’m sorry there was even a situation to find out about.”
Krista grabbed her hand gently, ushering her into the kitchen, where Dylan wouldn’t be able to overhear. “I thought you two were being careful,” she said quietly.
“We were. We are,” Maria assured her, adding embarrassedly, “. . . most of the time.”
“Well, it needs to be all the time,” Krista declared.
“I know. We will . . . all the time. Because this was, like, a really good reminder.”
“Well, I would hope so.” Krista breathed in deeply, literally shuddering as she left it out. “I know things like this happen, but . . .”
“I’m really sorry,” Maria reiterated. She felt like she’d betrayed this woman’s trust on some level, and that had never been her intention.
“I know you are,” Krista said, “but . . . Maria, you and I both know how hard life can get sometimes. And Michael doesn’t know that. He’s never had to experience it. Not really. I mean, I know this family might not have been the ideal one for him to grow up in, but all his life, he’s had a roof over his head. He’s had . . . not a lot of money, but enough to get by. He’s had the stability of school, even if he doesn’t appreciate it. He’s never really had to deal with . . . you know, with something life-changing.”
“Yeah,” Maria agreed dazedly, not sure where Krista was going with this.
“And then you came along, and . . . you
have been really good for him,” Krista acknowledged. “You have. But the things that you have had to deal with and think about are just not things he’s ever had to think about.”
“Mmm-hmm.” She’d had this conversation with herself before. She knew that, as similar as she and Michael could be, they were also very different.
“And you know I love you, and Dylan, and I think of you both as extended members of this family,” Krista continued on, “but I need you to understand that . . . there are things that I don’t want for my son at this point in his life, Maria. And a baby is one of them.”
“I’m not pregnant,” Maria reminded her.
“But you could’ve been, and that—that scares me because . . .” Krista clasped her hands together to stop them from trembling. “I don’t want him turning out like his father, Maria.”
She shifted uncomfortably, recalling an eerily similar conversation with Andy himself, one that had left her feeling . . . unsettled and upset.
“I know this is hard to believe, but even now . . . he reminds me so much of who my husband used to be,” Krista said tearfully.
“Really?” Having only known Andy Guerin as a lazy, rude alcoholic, she had a hard time picturing him ever being like Michael.
“Oh, yes. He was . . . energetic. And funny. And passionate. He was
so passionate.”
All words to describe Michael. That and more.
“And he was so excited for our future. Even when he found out we were gonna be parents, he kept thinking we could do it. He said he knew we’d be fine. But then, when he started to realize all the things he was gonna have to sacrifice . . .” A tear spilled over the older woman’s eye, cascading down onto her cheek. “When he started to realize that he’d have to grow up faster than he wanted to . . . that’s when he changed. And after Michael was born, the man I knew . . . died.”
Maria felt tears stinging her own eyes, and she wasn’t even sure why. “Because he had a son?”
“No. Because he wasn’t ready.”
Maria blinked back tears, holding it together. “Yeah, but . . . neither were you.”
“But I had to
get ready,” Krista remembered. “You know how it is when you’re a mother. It’s just different. There’s no escape hatch for you.”
Maria looked down her feet and nodded solemnly, remembering that feeling. Sitting in the hospital the night after giving birth, texting Max incessantly to try to get him there. Sending him photos of their newborn, wondering when he’d show . . . knowing deep down that he never would.
That had been the worst night of her life.
Michael wasn’t his father, though, and he most certainly wasn’t Max Evans. He was his own person, and despite what some people thought, he was a good person. It wasn’t fair to him to assume that he would handle the situation the same way the others had.
“I’m not trying to scare you,” Krista said, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder. “I’m just telling you this because I love my son, and I know that you love him, too. But you need to understand how serious this could have been.”
“I do.” She knew she understood it far better than Michael did, than he
could.
“Because Maria . . . there were two paths in front of my husband once. And he chose the wrong one. I don’t want Michael to make that same choice. I don’t want him to
have to make that choice. Someday, when he’s older and he knows who he is . . . then it’ll be fine. But not now. It’s too soon, you know?”
“Yeah.” Everything Krista was saying made total and complete sense, and Maria even agreed with it. So then why did hearing it make her feel so damn emotional?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
“Come on, come on,” Kyle mumbled as he and Michael came to the end of yet another football game session on the PlayStation that night. Michael mashed the buttons on the controller as fast as he could, but no matter what he did, it didn’t seem to be enough. Kyle’s player charged towards the end zone and scored. Game over.
“Crap,” he swore as Kyle shouted, “Yes!” and threw his hands in the air.
How many times had they played this game over the years? And how many times had he won? He could probably count them on one hand. “Man, you win everything.”
“Winner winner, chicken dinner,” Kyle proclaimed, setting his controller down. “Wanna play again?”
They’d decided it was boys night at Kyle’s house, which unfortunately had become a rarity these days. Tess wasn’t constantly hating on Maria anymore, but it still seemed like a bad idea to try to do things together, the four of them, until they got to know each other on their own a little better. “Yeah, sure. Why not?” Michael agreed.
Kyle picked up his controller again, navigated back to the main menu, and started to set up a new game. In the midst of doing so, though, he stopped, looked over at Michael, and said, “Can I ask you somethin’?”
“What?” Hopefully it wasn’t a school-related question, because if it was . . . he had nothing.
Kyle muted the game, set the controller back down again, and angled himself to face Michael. “How do you really feel about Maria not being pregnant?”
Oh, fuck, he thought, trying not to show much of a reaction to that question. But he should’ve known he wouldn’t be able to hide his feelings from his best friend of all people. Kyle had known him too long to fall for the same act the other guys at school did. “What do you mean?” he asked, locking his eyes onto the screen, concentrating on picking out the uniforms for his team. “I’m fine. You think I wanted to be a teenage father?”
“Did you?” Kyle challenged.
He stopped what he was doing on screen and completely froze. No one else was going to ask him this question. Not his mom. Probably not even Maria. But of course Kyle did. “I don’t know,” he admitted.
“What?” Even though he’d gotten the ball rolling on this topic, Kyle sounded surprised.
“No, I mean, was I actively interested in havin’ a kid? Was that something I was
tryin’ to do? No,” he acknowledged. “I’m not an idiot.”
“But if she’d taken that test and it
had come back positive . . .”
Without delay, he blurted, “I would’ve been fine with it.”
Kyle stared at him with absolute astonishment in his eyes. “
Man. Things sure do change, huh? At the beginning of the school year, you would’ve lost it.”
“At the beginning of the year, I didn’t know Maria,” he pointed out. Things didn’t just change, and people didn’t just change for the hell of it. They changed because they had a reason to.
“I guess,” Kyle mumbled. “Still, that’s . . .”
“It’s crazy, I know,” he confessed. “Whatever. It is what it is.”
“You’re probably better off this way.”
“Yeah.” He knew. Deep down, he knew. “Sex is like math. You add the bed, subtract the clothes, divide the legs and pray you don’t multiply. I’m on board. I got it.”
Kyle chuckled at that. “Sex is like math. That’s . . . that’s pretty funny, man.”
Michael reached over to his friend’s controller and unmuted their game. “I’m a funny guy.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Nowadays, it was hard for Maria to remember a time when she and Michael had shared a bed without lying so close to each other. It was hard for her to remember what it felt like to lie there without his arms around her, without his chest as a pillow, his heartbeat as the music that lulled her to sleep. His entire body was like a warm blanket, one that made it incredibly difficult to wake up and crawl out of bed every morning. Because all she wanted to do was stay right there next to him, always.
She sensed that he either wasn’t feeling tired or just wasn’t falling asleep that night, though, because he wasn’t snoring yet. And despite the fact that he claimed he didn’t snore, he did, just lightly. Adorably.
“Can’t sleep?” she asked, rubbing her hand over his chest.
“I guess not,” came his reply.
She kept her eyes closed, knowing that she
had to sleep, because she had to get to the library early the next morning. Inventory day again. “What’re you thinking about?” she asked, always interested to know what was going on in his head.
“Oh . . . if I tell you, you’ll think I’m outta my fuckin’ mind,” he sighed.
“Oh, Michael.” She snuggled closer. “I already know you’re out of your mind.”
He laughed a little, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “You really wanna know?”
“Yeah.”
“Really?”
“Yes.”
“Alright, sit up then.”
As much as she hated to give up the warm blanket feel of him, she sat up and pulled the covers up more securely over her lap. It was dark in the room, but the moonlight illuminated his profile as he readjusted his posture, leaning back against the headboard. When her eyes adjusted to the darkness, she could make him out more clearly.
“You’re really gonna think I’m crazy,” he warned her again.
“That’s fine.” His craziness, his wildness . . . it was one of the things she loved most about him.
“No, but I mean, you’re
really . . . “ He trailed off, grunting and shaking his head. “Alright, here goes: You know how last night, when I told you you weren’t pregnant, you were really relieved?”
“Mmm-hmm.”
“Well . . .” He paused for at least a few seconds before he managed to get out, “I wasn’t.”
She frowned, not sure what that meant. How could he not feel . . .
why would he not feel that way? “What are you saying?” she asked. “You . . .
wanted to have a baby?”
“No, I didn’t
want to, but I didn’t
not want to, either. It’s confusing. That’s how I felt, Maria. I felt confused.”
“Because you . . . weren’t sure what you wanted?” she gathered.
“Yeah. See, you just get me.”
She didn’t, though. Not right now. Her relief had been so consuming, so absolute, that she hadn’t even thought to ask him much about how he was feeling. She had just assumed that, however she was feeling, he
had to be feeling the same way. He was a guy, and he was a young guy, and . . . well, stereotypes.
“Why weren’t you sure?” she asked. “I mean, Michael . . . it gets
really hard raising a baby.”
“Yeah, you keep saying that; everyone keeps saying that, and I get it,” he insisted. “Money and time and stress and . . . that all makes sense to me. But I really think it would’ve been alright.”
“Michael . . .” He was being so sweet, but so naïve. “I know that you think that . . .”
“And why don’t you?” he cut in, sounding a little bit . . . angry now. Accusatory. “Don’t you think we would’ve made it?”
She was taken aback by the question, not expecting to be put on the spot like this. “I mean, I
like to think we would’ve, but . . .”
“But what?”
“But who knows? If—if things got hard . . .”
“What?” he spat. “I would’ve bailed on you like Max? Is that what you think?”
“No, I . . .” She licked her lips, feeling frustrated, trying to sort out her thoughts before she said them. “I know you’re not him. And what we have is
so much more than
anything I ever had with him. But I know from experience that sometimes things don’t end up the way you think they will.” Her whole life exemplified the saying,
Expect the unexpected.
“Oh, and what? So you’re automatically right because you’ve had more life experience than I have? You know more about what would’ve happened than I do?”
“No, but . . . okay, look, Michael, you said you were willing to give up college for all this.”
“Yeah, so?”
“So if I was any other girl, you wouldn’t give up college.”
He snorted. “If you were any other girl, I wouldn’t be
going to college in the first place.”
“Look, I was talking to your mom about this, too, and--”
“My mom?”
“Yes, and she said some things that really make sense.”
“Like what?”
“Like . . .” Oh god, she wished she hadn’t even mentioned his mom. Now she was going to end up hurting his feelings even more, but she knew him well enough to know he wouldn’t let it go. “She pointed out that you haven’t had to deal with as many . . . difficult things in life.”
He made a face, like it infuriated him to hear what he was hearing. “What the fuck? Like I’ve got it so easy? My dad tried to kill himself this year, and I live every day knowing it’s only a matter of time until he tries it again.”
She felt her stomach clench, wanting to go back in time a few minutes and just continue lying there instead of asking him what was on his mind. But in a way, maybe it was good for him to get all this off his chest. If he couldn’t talk to her about this, then who could he talk to?
“That’s difficult; that’s not easy,” he kept on. “And it wasn’t easy growing up with him in the first place. I know the guy wishes I was Hoovered out right from the start. He blames me for every crappy thing that’s ever happened in his life. That’s not easy.”
“Michael . . .” She reached out and touched his cheek, but to her surprise, he turned away. He was really mad. Maybe not directly at her, and maybe not even at his mom, but just . . . at something. And being Michael, he wasn’t used to having to put his feelings into words.
“You think I’m gonna end up like him?” he asked tightly, his jaw clenched.
She shook her head, thinking that there was no way the guy sitting beside her could ever be Andy Guerin. Biology was just a science; the choices and the changes that Michael was making were far more than that. “No,” she whispered. “You won’t.”
“Because I don’t want to.” His voice was cloaked with emotion, and she wondered if he was on the verge of crying. He wouldn’t, though. He wouldn’t let himself cry. “Look, I’m not saying we should try to have a kid. I’m not gonna be goin’ without a condom anymore or anything. You’re not pregnant, and . . . there’s probably a reason for that, and I get why that’s good. But it pisses me off that people think it would’ve been
so bad.”
“I’m sorry,” she apologized, knowing she was one of those people.
“I’m tellin’ you, I would’ve proved people wrong,” he vowed. “I’m gonna be a good dad someday, ‘cause I know what it’s like to have one who sucks.”
“You’ll be a really good dad,” she agreed. “You already are.”
He smiled momentarily, but it faded soon after it appeared. “Yeah, but I’m not really his dad, you know. And I never will be.”
She frowned. “That’s not true.”
“I mean . . . I think of him like a son. And I know he sees me like a dad, and that’s cool, and . . . I like that. But . . .” He swallowed hard, looking like he was struggling to keep going. “It would’ve kinda been nice to have a child of our own and have something that was just . . . mine. Ours.”
She inhaled sharply, her eyes filling with tears. Expect the unexpected. When she’d asked Michael what was on his mind, she’d never anticipated this. But it was touching, knowing that he actually thought about these things, wanted them. And he wanted them with her. How many other guys his age were so incredibly, absolutely sure?
She felt very lucky. So Lucky probably was the perfect name after all.
“Like I said, I’m not saying we actively try or anything,” he clarified. “It’s just . . . when it does happen for us someday, don’t listen to those people who say I’m gonna screw it up. And even if your gut’s tellin’ you it’s gonna be bad . . . don’t listen, ‘cause I’m tellin’ you, it’s not.”
She hadn’t even realized she was crying, but now, it felt like she couldn’t stop. Hearing him say this was like coalescing every
I love you that had ever crossed his lips into one gigantic declaration of love. And from a guy like Michael, who made it clear he felt more natural saying dirty, perverted things than he did meaningful, romantic things . . . it was all the more special.
“Don’t cry,” he said, reaching over to wipe her tears away with his thumb. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
“No, it’s okay.” Really, they were happy, grateful tears. The good kind.
He started playing with her hair then, absentmindedly, the way he often did, and then he sat up straighter and suddenly blurted out something that, had she been standing, would have knocked her over. “Maria, I’m gonna ask you to marry me.”
Everything about her froze, except her mouth, which was only able to produce one shell-shocked word. “What?”
“No, not like right now,” he clarified, “or right here.”
“Oh.” Well, that was . . . a relief. Right?
“But someday. I’m gonna do it the right way,” he promised. “I’m gonna get down on one knee and have the ring and . . .” He took both her hands in his, holding tightly, looking her in the eyes with complete sincerity and certainty. “I’m gonna ask you. And hopefully you’ll say yes.”
Yes, she wanted to say.
Right here. Right now. She wanted to
not think about the consequences, abandon the logic and all the thoughts to take into consideration. She wanted to at least promise him that she would say yes someday, because at this point, it seemed like nothing could change her mind.
“And then maybe . . . I mean, who knows? It’s down the line, but . . . maybe I could, like . . . I don’t know, adopt Dylan or something.”
“Oh my god.” Her entire heart was racing inside her chest, knowing he was willing to do all these things for her, for
them.
“Not today,” he repeated, “but someday, Maria . . . that’s what I’m gonna do, if you want me to. Because I think . . . when I can say I’m your husband and Dylan’s dad . . .” He smiled fondly at the mere thought. “That’s when I’ll know I really am someone.”
You already are, she thought, still crying.
You’re the most surprisingly amazing person I’ve ever met, and I am so
in love with you. But she was beyond words at that point, so instead of telling him that, she moved in, kissed him once, and then hugged him, held on as if he were a piece of driftwood in a vast, dangerous ocean. Because, to her, that was exactly what he was, and she never wanted to let him go.
TBC . . .
-April
