Kris
Ellie
Carolyn
angelina
rosyrosy2882
Ok I have to warn you all, this is going to be rough, very rough but you were warned from the beginning this was not going to be pretty...
just a little reminder,
Zan and Liz first met outside the house her first night, she saw him in the shadows and thought for a second he was Max...
She wasn't the only one that night who had a misunderstanding... standing there in the dark he thought she had come back to him...his Denise.
This is long, sorry I couldn't find a place to break it up. hold on it's going to be a bumpy ride. Ellie please don't throw anything at your computer
Chapter 8.
Song: Blurry
By Puddle of Mudd
Staring down at her duffle bag Liz sighed anxiously holding the only item she managed to pack so far, a thin black sweater.
She couldn’t believe that she had to spend the next forty eight hours with him, it was hard enough just being around him.
Two days seemed like a lifetime.
With her heart racing from even the thought of him she stared at the fuzzy dark material till it blurred with the canvas fabric beneath it.
Her mind was scattered flying from one problem to the next, each one seeming more unsolvable then the next.
She couldn’t avoid her parents forever; regardless of what they both had done it was going to be Christmas soon.
They were mad enough about her not coming home she had no idea how would she explain herself if she didn’t even bother to call.
‘Well mom, you see it kills me to hear the pain in your voice and the obvious resentment you feel that I left you alone when you needed me the most. Oh and dad? I really can’t talk to you because every time I do I wonder if this is going to be the time that you inform me that your moving in with that slut that claimed to be mom’s best friend … Merry Christmas by the way! Fa la la la …fuck you!’
Smiling to herself she could picture Zan laughing at her rant, she knew somehow that he would understand, that if she told him, let him in, he wouldn’t judge her, and as nice as Max was he would tell her to call her parents … because it was the right thing to do.
For some reason that just pissed her off.
Rolling her eyes she ran her fingers through her hair and cringed.
She wanted him, she couldn’t stop thinking of him, of what it would feel like to kiss that mouth…his chest …stomach….
”Damn it!!”
Shaking her head she dug her black painted short nails into the palms of her hands hating herself to the point of distraction.
Zan had humiliated her, fucked her over, berated her at every turn …basically he treated her like shit but for some inexplicable reason …it didn’t matter.
It didn’t make any sense, none of it, the way she felt about him, the way she
knew he felt about her.
Liz was no fool, and she was by no means inexperienced, she knew when a guy was into her…and Zan …yeah he wanted her, regardless of his actions, he wanted her bad.
There had to be a reason why he was decent with her one-second and a bastard to her the next.
Her eyes flung wide open when suddenly the image of ‘Denise’ popped into her head.
Maybe there was a connection to their crazy resemblance and his mood swings.
Zan didn’t exactly seem like the type of guy to keep a girl’s picture in his wallet.
No, she was …special. Maybe he even loved her.
She raised her eyebrows lost in the image for a moment …
Zan in love.
Chewing on her bottom lip she nodded to herself.
It would make sense…she showed him the picture thinking it would ruffle his feathers, imagining she meant something to him if he even bothered to have it around, but his reaction…
That was more than an act of revenge.
He was hurt and he wanted to hurt her back.
Or maybe he wanted to hurt …Denise.
Maybe it was Denise he needed to humiliate and reject…
The Denise that looked exactly like her.
Liz was so deep in thought with Zan she failed to hear Max’s sheepish approach from behind.
“Hey you.”
Jumping Liz spun around and grabbed at her racing heart quickly averting her eyes from him as if he could read her thoughts somehow.
“Liz are you ok? I’m so sorry; I didn’t mean to scare you. Were you thinking about your mom?”
Staring up at him filled with guilt she nodded slowly as she tried to shake her thoughts of Zan.
“Y-Yeah, sorry I’m just really not looking forward to going home.”
His honey eyes filled with sympathy as he pulled her close, his hands resting at her waist.
“I’m sorry you have to leave, but it sounds like she needs you, I know it’s hard but your doing the right thing. She probably needs someone to talk to. Maybe you should try to just listen …I’m sure that’s all she’s expects from you.”
Resting her head against his chest she nodded as her eyes fell to a crack on the floor. Biting her tongue her face flushed red hot with annoyance.
She couldn’t help but feel a tiny dig from his remark.
Maybe you should try to just listen
He had no idea what the hell he was talking about. He knew nothing about what she would do, the hell she would put her through. For Christ sakes she was probably knee deep in a Vodka bottle right now.
Feeling her tense he pulled back and lifted her chin up so he could look in her eyes.
“I offended you didn’t I? I’m sorry Liz, it’s just that if I could have my mom back ….no matter what condition I would gladly take her. I never should’ve said that to you. I was speaking from my own heart. It was very unfair of me to give you advice.”
Flinching she felt another stab of guilt deep in her gut.
She felt horrible; it was obvious that she was looking for him to do one thing wrong so she could justify her feelings for …
Taking a deep breath she backed away from Max realizing what she needed to do.
Picking the duffle bag up from the bed she threw it on the floor and raised her big brown eyes back up at him.
“Max we’re finally alone, this is the only chance we’re going to have for a while …I think we should -“
Pressing his lips to hers he interrupted her abruptly.
Urgently he began to pull at her clothes, she could feel for the first time a real need from him, it was working, she felt it, she felt …
him.
Reaching for his hands she began to take over, within second she was down to her bra and panties watching as he looked down at her in awe.
Breathless he shook not knowing what to do, unsure of everything.
He didn’t plan it this way, and Max was all about planning. It made him feel secure, confident.
It was supposed to be romantic with candles and music, but he knew he couldn’t hold her off any longer.
He could see the need in her eyes, but he felt like he had no clue how to please her.
“ Liz, I-I…can you …help me.”
It wasn’t what she wanted, it wasn’t what she needed to hear but the momentum was already in affect and she thought there could still be hope.
Nodding she raised his sweater from his body and pulled at the button on his jeans.
He was beautiful, just like she knew he would be, still something was …
off.
Stumbling he tried to take his shoes off but they were tied too tight and he ended up falling onto the bed.
Embarrassed he looked around nervously almost for an escape.
“Its ok, Max…just relax.”
Taking off his shoes for him she began to wonder quickly if this was a huge mistake.
But the honest truth was she needed sex…not sex per say, but to feel that closeness.
She needed desperately to get lost in someone. To have them completely consume her body, her thoughts, to take away the pain, the worry, the constant spinning mess of confusion in her head.
But it felt strange, it was beyond awkward, it was almost mechanical, like she was teaching him how to bake a cake or something.
There was no heat, no passion…it was magnifying everything she was trying to get away from.
But it was too late.
Stripping off the rest of her clothes she backed up to the head of the bed and held out her hand for him.
Still in his boxers he swallowed hard looking for a place to put his hands, his legs.
He felt as if he would hurt her if he actually laid on top of her.
“Do you have a condom Max?”
Completely taken off guard he thought for a moment then picked up his jeans and reached in the back pocket.
Climbing back up towards her she helped him, positioning him where he needed to be.
At this point it was bordering on painful, she knew she had to take over just so she could get through it.
She took the condom from him after watching him fumble with it several times
This could not have been more of a disaster.
He took a sharp breath in as she pulled the condom down over him.
Sweat poured from his forehead, this was all too much, her lying there naked, him feeling her underneath him skin on skin for the first time.
Once, twice, three times he attempted to enter her with unsuccessful results.
Wincing from his inept efforts she finally just took it in her hand and physically led him inside her.
His head immediately fell against her neck as he panted and groaned.
Her eyes rolled back towards the ceiling, as dread engulfed her, even the sounds he was making was turning her off.
Knowing she had to take the reins or this would be a total catastrophe she grabbed his face and forced him to look at her.
“Kiss – “
Before she could get the words out his face contorted and twisted with only the forth thrust inside her.
Collapsing over her he groaned then rolled onto his back.
Lying there she felt as close to shit as she thought she’d ever get and completely alone.
Wrapping her arms around her stomach she felt empty and wrong….
she was wrong.
Looking over at the alarm clock she tried to steady her voice.
“Oh wow, its already seven, Zan will be here soon to take me to the train, I better get in the shower.”
Jumping up she literally ran for the bathroom.
Standing underneath the pounding hot water she began to cry. Black streams of mascara and eyeliner ran down her face as she rested her forehead on the tile.
She had nowhere to turn, nowhere to go. She was lost in every way.
She knew it was his first time, she expected it to be short, maybe even clumsy but she at least thought she would feel
something.
That at the very least being with someone that loved her would make her feel warm and safe…but there was nothing…nothing except that cold numbness that she had grown to know so well.
Staring at the green and white squares she tried to sort out her feeling for him.
She did care about him, he was a good guy, someone that she knew she should be with.
So why did she feel this way.
Closing her eyes she came back to the one common denominator in all her problems… her.
He wasn’t the fucked up one, it was her, once again, always her.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
By the time Liz was ready and packed it was nearly eight; Max had made himself scarce, busying himself on the computer working on his article for the strike.
In his mind it was simple.
They loved each other and with time things would improve.
The important thing is that they loved each other.
Lightly walking down the stairs she eyed him at the desk in the living room and waved.
“Hi.”
Lifting his hands from the keys he walked to her and pulled out the kitchen chair for her to sit.
Sitting opposite from her he began folding a napkin several times then unfolding it, his thoughts obviously on their time in the bedroom..
Reaching out she covered his fidgety fingers and smiled kindly.
“Max- “
“Liz, I-I know it wasn’t …I just…”
Nodding she searched for words to comfort him, to make him feel as if everything was fine, but it was hard with her own demons screwing around with her head
“It was your first time Max. You were…
great…really.”
Ripping the napkin in half he knew it was a lie but he also knew that she loved him.
“Could we…maybe … try again?”
A quiet ‘sure’ rested on her lips as she listen to the clock tick by.
Finally she couldn’t wait any longer.
It was wrong, she knew it, but it was killing her not knowing.
“Max? Can I ask you something?
Thrilled to change the subject his face lit up with energy… ”Anything.”
“Who is Denise?”
Welcoming any topic that didn’t have to do with sex Max was quick to inform her of Zan’s tumultuous affair.
“Denise… wow, haven’t heard that name in a long time. Denise was the love of Zan’s life. She was the only thing I ever really remember him caring about, well besides that old truck of his.”
“So they were serious?”
Suddenly Max tilted his head looking very perplexed.
“Did he …tell you about her?”
Shaking her head swiftly she raised her hands defensively in the air.
“No, I found her picture. She kind of looks like me…don’t you think?”
Furrowing his eyebrows he studied Liz for a moment and slowly nodded.
“Yeah now that you mention it, you look a lot like her, but you sure have nothing in common with her.”
“What does that mean?”
Staring out the window Max shrugged his shoulders.
“She kind of …got around. You know, slept with a lot of guys before she started dating Zan. He knew about her reputation, I did my best to warn him but he wouldn’t listen… not that I thought he would. As far as I can remember no one tells Zan what to do.”
Laughing sarcastically he stood up and walked towards the window.
“So what happened?”
Max’s expression became sullen.
“She cheated on him, it was no shock to any one in town but for some reason it was a real blow to him. He walked in on them, came home from work early found her in bed with the guy. He nearly killed him, beat the hell out of him.”
Stunned Liz sat back in her chair; eyes wide open as it played out in her head.
“So he left her?”
Shaking his head he sighed.
“That’s what kills me, even after
everything, he was willing to take her back, to work it out, but she was ready to move on I guess. The worst part is she agreed to stay with him, and then sometime in the night she left a note and just…slipped out. He never saw her again.”
Liz let out a silent ‘wow’.
“Zan was never the same, he started drinking too much, taking anything that would numb the pain. He lost his job, got in fights. My parents were heartbroken. Zan was never the model son but this was different, everyone in town knew what he was up to. It was embarrassing for them.”
Almost whispering Liz continued her questions. “When was all this?”
“Last year, right before the car accident. Zan managed to clean himself up and get straight but it was too late for my parents to see it. I don’t think he ever forgave himself for that, and I don’t think he’ll ever stop waiting for Denise to come back.”
Biting her bottom lip she sighed, her heart broke for him
“That’s so sad.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Parked down the street from the house Zan sat in his truck waiting.
The note crinkled and stained with coffee rested in his hand as he fought his eyes from closing.
He was exhausted, lost with no plan and no future it hardly seemed worth it to get up in the morning.
She was gone…and she wasn’t coming back.
I’m sorry
I have to leave
I hope someday you can forgive me
I’ll always love you
Denise
Turning up the volume on the radio he shoved the note back in his glove compartment and stared out the window.
Everything's so blurry
and everyone's so fake
and everybody's empty
and everything is so messed up
pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that I’ll protect you
from all of the obscene
I wonder what you're doing
imagine where you are
there's oceans in between us
but that's not very far
Thoughts of her jet-black hair and her big brown eyes swirled in his head.
He was getting better, at the very least sleeping again, he even thought about a construction job that might be available in the spring.
The possibility of starting over didn’t seem so …
impossible.
But then it all fell apart.
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
this pain you gave to me
Can you take it all away
can you take it all away
well ya shoved it in my face
One night, standing outside his house in the snow.
For one brief moment he thought it was …her,
Both mistaking each other for someone else, when maybe all they needed was each other.
Everyone is changing
there's no one left that's real
to make up your own ending
and let me know just how you feel
cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
my whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl
“Fuck!”
Slamming his fist on the steering wheel he swallowed back tears.
Why did it have to be
her, his brother’s girl…
How can life be so fucking cruel twice…
You could be my someone
you could be my scene
you know that i will save you
from all of the unclean
I wonder what you're doing
I wonder where you are
There's oceans in between us
but that's not very far
All this time he kept telling himself that it was because she reminded him of Denise, that it was just old memories digging up all that shit again.
But he couldn’t fool himself forever.
He tried, he was mean, brutal even, he tried to push her away, but she always came back.
And now they were going to be alone, for two days.
Nobody told me what you thought
nobody told me what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
told you when to runaway
nobody told you where to hide
nobody told you what to say
everyone showed you where to turn
showed you when to runaway
he knew he wasn’t that strong, he didn’t plan this, still it was wrong.
It was all too much, it hurt too bad, he needed her… and he knew she needed him.
That look in her eyes, so raw, she felt the same way, lost and alone.
He recognized it in himself
He knew he could give her what she needed.
Shelter her, make her
feel…
Liz…
This pain you gave to me
You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me
“What are you doing out here?”
Opening his eyes he reached for the radio to turn it down, completely stunned to see her standing there.
“What?”
She hesitated for just a moment, the bag held tight in her hand, cold air rushing from her dark red lips as she breathed in and out staring at him, saying it all with just one look.
Lets go