Roswell Fanatics

Title: Table For Four

Authors: nibbles2 and Rowedog. This is what happens when you put us in a blender, we produce this delightful smoothie of deliciousness.

Genre: M/M & M/L (Who else would we be writing about?)

Summary: Four single people. Somebody decides to play matchmaker. They're going to need a table for four.

Disclaimer: We don’t own any of these characters, they’re owned by Jason Katims et al.

Rating: Mature (for salty language purposes only)

A/N: We decided to write a fic together for various reasons. BB - because she was bored and Alison - because she hasn’t done anything productive in months. We’ve both written sections of each part, so it’s fairly equitable. If you can pick which person wrote which section, BB will give you a cookie.

Big thanks to the very handsome RosDude for our banner.
“Good morning,” Max called out cheerfully as he strolled into Liz’s lab station. It wasn’t an unfamiliar occurrence for either Liz or Max to take some time from their duties to seek the other out. In such a small, insular company they were both thrilled to have found someone that they could get along with so well. Especially given that many of their colleagues were either insane, socially inept or a terrifying combination of both. It definitely made it easier to cope with their work situation when there was someone else to share in the stupidity of their work place.

They both worked as a medical lab technician which basically boiled down to them looking for bugs in people’s blood and breeding cultures from swabs of people’s feet and other nefarious body parts and fluids. Max liked to tell people that he spent his days looking at bodily fluids, Liz however, wasn’t so taken with that description.

Liz smiled as she looked up from her washing of beakers. “You’re disgustingly chipper for such an early hour in the morning. What gives?”

“When you look this good, who could be less than ecstatic?” Max replied cheekily, enjoying the disbelieving groan that came from Liz.

“I do love that lab coat look you’ve got going on there,” Liz replied, her tongue firmly planted in her cheek. “Very working man chic.”

“I put the fab in lab coat,” Max informed Liz proudly, completely unfazed by her nonplussed look.

Liz put down the beaker she had been scrubbing. “Max, I hate to ruin what you clearly think is a well thought out and witty observation, but there is no fab in lab coat.”

“Whatever,” he dismissed grandly. “It rhymes, so it’s good enough for me.”

Liz laughed despite her best efforts not to. “Well, so long as you’re satisfied who am I to judge?”

Max nodded, then turned to her after a moment’s hesitation. “You know Liz, I was thinking. Maybe-”

“Liz,” interrupted Courtney as she stalked into Liz’s lab and then proceeded to stare blankly at her until Liz felt forced to say something.

“Yes Courtney?” Liz prompted, looking at her expectantly.

Liz recoiled and blinked at the piece of paper thrust unexpectedly under her nose. Max bit his lip, trying to keep the inevitable amusement about Courtney’s social ineptitude at bay.

“You need to sign this,” was all the explanation she received.

Liz gingerly took the proffered piece of paper from Courtney’s grasp. “What is it?”

“It’s a form.”

With her free arm Liz elbowed Max who had let out a loud smothered snort of laughter. “I can see that Courtney. Do you know what the form is for?”

“No,” she replied whilst staring past them both.

The widening of her eyes was the only thing that gave Liz’s bewilderment away. But the slight action was enough for Max’s laughter to escape his tight clutches.

Courtney only seemed to register vague interest in what Max was doing and didn’t seem to pick up at all that the laughter was directed at her.

“You ever see the movie ‘The Hangover’, Courtney?” Max asked as casually as he could, trying to cover his tracks in case her latent social skills managed to discern that he was amused by her strangeness.

“No.”

Max wasn’t surprised. “Oh, you should. It’s such a funny movie. I was watching it last night and I just remembered this scene where-”

“I don’t enjoy comedies,” Courtney informed him, cutting off whatever Max was about to say.

Liz and Max glanced over at each other, astounded by what they’d just heard. Who didn’t like comedies?

“Done,” Liz said after a moment, holding the form out to Courtney who promptly grabbed the sheet and turned on her heel to walk out.

“Courtney,” Liz called out just as she was leaving, prompted by Max’s silent urging. “Just out of curiosity… what movies do you like?”

Courtney turned, her face showing no expression. “Documentaries. On the Nazi regime.”

“Well that’s…” Max trailed off as he watched the door swing shut after Courtney’s abrupt exit. “Specific.”

There was a stunned moment of silence in which Max and Liz did nothing but look at each other as they tried to comprehend Courtney and her actions. They were largely unsuccessful in that endeavour.

Liz let out an unwieldy shriek of laughter as Max suddenly began to imitate walking on the moon. “Earth to Banks. Come in space cadet Banks.”

“Scanning for socially functional people,” Max continued, holding his phone out before him as he continued his charade to a chorus of Liz’s laughter. “Results: negative.”

Max came to an abrupt halt when Liz supposedly began to join in on his act. Which would have been fine normally, but he had no idea what she was doing. Her hands had formed fists and were placed on top of her head with her two index fingers poking out like little bull horns.

“What are you doing?” Max queried, a look of severe confusion having plastered itself across his face in response to her strange actions.

Liz’s hands slowly dropped from her head. “I’m… I’m being a Martian.” She placed her hands back up on her head hesitantly waggling her two index fingers like antlers. “These are my eyeballs. They’re on stalks.”

“Ohh, I get it,” sighed Max before bursting into a fresh round of laughter. “Liz, you are a total dork.”

“Hey!” objected Liz, her ‘eyeball stalks’ quickly being put away so that she could place her hands on her hips in a show of anger that she didn’t feel. “At least I’m not as bad as Courtney!”

“That girl is not a dork,” corrected Max, with an imperious wave of his finger. “She is a psychopath.”

Liz shook her head sadly, wondering how someone managed to be that personality devoid. “Sometimes I watch her talk and it’s like she’s not even in there. She’s just… staring off behind me, waiting for the mothership to come back.”

Max nodded in agreement, rubbing idly at his throat. “I kinda feel like a lot of the time she’s just two seconds away from snapping and ripping my jugular open with her teeth.”

Liz’s lips quirked up as she said as seriously as she could. “I hear she drinks kitten blood.”

Max shot her a devious look and then tried to beat her at her own game. “I hear she lays down traps for rats in her apartment and then fries them and eats them.”

“I hear she likes to sneak into children’s bedrooms while they’re sleeping and stare at them whilst fondling her screwdriver and whispering, ‘Soon’.”

“I hear she fucked your Mom.”

Liz shrugged nonchalantly as she was now used to Max’s various comments about her mother. “Who hasn’t? I hear she butchered an old lady and made Christmas tree ornaments out of her skin and bones.”

Max nodded in agreement. “I’d have done it too. That old lady was a bitch.”

Liz pouted at him, giving him her best faux sympathy look. “She steal your girlfriend from you?”

“Multiple times,” Max replied with a sigh. “That old bitch was on the pension. How’s a guy supposed to compete with that?”

“I suppose having a penis didn’t help?”

Max shook his head sadly, pretending to be overcome by despair. After a moment, his head snapped back up from its bowed position as he asked the question he’d been wondering about. “By the way, what was the form for?”

“Oh, we’re selling you on the black market. Well,” Liz corrected with a smile. “Not you per se, just your organs.”

“Awesome,” enthused Max. “I love a good ice bath. When do we start?”

“Right now,” Liz said, snatching up the nearby plastic butter knife that she’d used to spread cream cheese on her bagel that morning. Once again she’d been in a rush and had had to eat breakfast at work.

“Steady there Jeffrey Dahmer,” Max said, gesturing to himself. “This is a one of a kind generic lab coat. You can’t go getting blood all over it.”

“I suppose that’s true,” reasoned Liz, slowly lowering the crappy plastic utensil. “Besides, I have to go out after work and I can’t go out with blood splatters on me. What would the neighbours think?”

“Yeah right, like you’re actually doing anything tonight,” Max scoffed teasingly with an eye roll.

Liz returned his eye roll and upped the stakes by pinning him with a glare. “I am actually.”

She could see his teasing smile begin to grow. “Oh yeah? What are you doing?”

“I am going to the movies with my good friend and roommate, Maria.”

Max snorted, leaning against one of the benches as he attempted to stare her down. “She totally doesn’t exist.”

Liz crossed the room to lean on the bench next to him and clean up the remnants of her breakfast. “What? Am I some sort of social inept that I have to make up friends now?”

“I won’t tell anyone, don’t worry,” he leaned in, his voice lowered to a confidential whisper.

“Thank you for your kindness,” Liz replied glibly. “Anyway, you had better head back to your lab before Space Cadet decides to report you for slacking again.”

Pushing himself off the bench reluctantly, Liz heard him grumble, “She would too, that fucking Nazi.”

She laughed lightly and then sighed happily as she turned her attention back to the dirty beakers. He really was the best part about working for the company.
Maria handed Liz a homemade cosmopolitan and took a seat beside her on the leather couch. “Cheers.”

Liz clinked her glass against Maria's and took a sip and grimaced at it's potency. “Are you trying to get me drunk?”

“Yes,” Maria laughed, batting her eyes. “I've been dropping hints about getting our lesbian on for months but since that's not working, I decided to get you drunk so I could molest you when you're passed out on the sofa.”

“Cool.”

Maria nodded. “Yeah, I thought so.” She sighed. “It's probably the best chance I have of getting any action. It's been a famine lately.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean,” Liz agreed. “I can't remember the last time I had a date. Or even met a guy worth dating.”

Maria turned her head sharply to face Liz in disbelief. “Um, hello, what about Max?”

“Max?” Liz echoed, her face reddening. “What about him? He's just a friend from work.”

“You are kidding? Right?” Maria couldn't believe she was hearing this. “Liz, since he started working at the lab you have talked about nothing else but Max. It's 'Max said this', 'Max did that', 'Max has a sweater like that', 'Max likes this band', 'Max loves these cookies' 'Max watches this show', Max, Max, Max.”

“What? I do not,” Liz practically shrieked. She cleared her throat and in a slightly lower octave continued. “He's a good friend and I like him as a friend, but that's all.”

Maria scoffed. “Liz, please, you're such a liar. You are so hot for Max that your panties are about to spontaneously combust.”

Liz spluttered causing Maria to smirk.

“That is so untrue, Maria,” Liz protested, ignoring the way her heart was hammering in her chest. “I don't like him, Maria, I don't.”

“Ok, if you say so,” Maria shrugged, not for one second believing that Liz wasn't madly in love with her co-worker.

She had known Liz since she was about three years old and could read her like a book, particularly as Liz had never been any good at hiding her feelings. Liz had never spoken about anybody as much as she talked about Max. Even when she had met Dr. Laura Holt, her idol, she hadn't gushed as much as the time Max wore a green shirt that brought out his eyes. The only thing that Maria didn't know, was why Liz was in such denial about her feelings for the guy. From what she had heard about Max, which was a lot, she had figured that he had feelings for Liz too, but was too shy to do anything about it. Which might be why Liz was so determined to pretend to herself that Max wasn't interested in her.

Maria wished that she could get the two of them together so that he could bang their heads against each other until they admitted they wanted to make little babies together. And not the scientific way involving a petri dish, but the good old human way, involving a bed.

She cast a glance at Liz and wondered to herself, maybe there was a way.

“Liz, if you're really not interested in Max,” she began.

“I'm not,” Liz insisted firmly.

“Well, from everything you've said about him, he sounds great.”

Liz nodded. “He is. Really great.”

“And hot,” Maria added.

Liz nodded again, vigorously, her eyes glazing a little.

“Well, if you're not interested, I am.”

“Wha..?” Liz's mouth opened and closed several times. She blinked, completely frozen. Her first instinct was to say no. To scream it. To grab Maria by her hair and tell her to get her own man. But that was ridiculous. She wasn't into Max. At all.

“So, could you set us up?” Maria asked. She smiled, watching the conflict play out on Liz's expressive face.

“Uh, I don't know if Max is your type.”

“Hot is always my type,” Maria shrugged. “Plus, sweet, kind, funny, romantic. He's every woman's type. Please, Liz.”

“I don't think that Max would like to be set up, he's kind of shy.”

“Liz, you got the guy to plant a bra in your bosses office three weeks after he met you, I’m sure you can talk him into going out on a date with your hot, funny, gorgeous, friend,” Maria smiled. “That's me, by the way.”

Liz squirmed around in her seat, unsure what to say.

“Please, please,” Maria begged.

“Ok. I’ll ask him,” Liz gave in eventually. She put down her glass. It wasn't agreeing with her, she felt kind of sick from it, actually.

“Awesome,” Maria smiled. “Hey! You'll come too, right?”

Liz's eyes widened with surprise. “What? You're not looking for a threesome are you?”

Maria shook her head seriously. “No, but I don't want to go on a blind date alone. I saw this movie last week about a woman who went on a blind date and the guy raped and murdered her.”

“Maria,” Liz laughed. “Max is not going to rape and murder you.”

“You don't know that,” Maria countered. “Ask him if he has a friend for you and we can go on a double date. It will be fun.”

“I...” Liz, really tried to think of a reason to say no but there wasn't one. At least not one that she could admit to herself. Defeated, she flapped her arms, “I'll ask him.”

Maria squealed and hugged her. “Yay, this will be so much fun.”

Liz leaned back in her seat, her arms folded across her chest. Fun was not the word she would have used.

Hey guys! Ok, so now BB’s posted, I guess it’s my turn. Once again, BB and I both wrote sections of this part.

My goodness, what a great response to our fic! BB and I are tremendously flattered by your words.

Jason’s Lover- I hope we can live up to your expectations.
Heavenli24- The blind date will certainly be something to behold.
Leila- Yes, Courtney is very scary. And we haven’t even scratched her surface.
Chad- For your services: Me performing sexual favours.
Also, the Don Hertzfeldt Rejected avi? Fuggin’ ace, dude.
Xmag- Yes, jealousy is a great motivator. Maria knows what she’s doing.
Sundae- Sorry, only valentinebaby over on CID got it right. But BB will show you her boobs for the attempt.
Natalie36- It certainly did!
Eve- Sorry, but Courtney doesn't have a sense of humour. And you'll find out who the other blind date victim is in this part.
Novy- We’re pretty stoked about writing together too. The process actually goes a bit like this:
BB: So we need to write this and that.
Alison: You take this and I’ll take that and then we’ll swap bits to cross reference.
BB: Awesome.
Keepsmiling7- Yeah, they’re pretty funny.
Ellie- Yeah, we’re pretty sneaky. I wouldn’t trust us either.
Neve- See, this is why Max is cooler than you. Live a little.
Sarammlover- You want to know what Maria has up her sleeve? You should see what she has in her pocket! Shit's INSANE.
Roswell_Dreamer- Glad you like it!
Sptfire86- We’re glad you found it funny, we wanted it to be light-hearted and amusing.
Kay_b- I guess you’ll just have to wait and see if you’re correct about where we’re taking this fic. I wouldn’t trust us though, we’re sneaky.
MILA-

Stuff that has amused the human species for literally thousands of years.

Thanks for pointing out our lack of originality!
Cardinal- Sorry! I have half an update for HB… I’ve just hit a bit of a snag. Besides, I’m starting a new job this week and I need something a little less involved than HB. So I’m doing this to try and snap out of my writer’s block and gain some of BB’s updating fire by osmosis. It’s not working, but we’ll keep trying.
Zaneri1- I think Maria will have a great time having fun at Liz’s expense.
Kismet- It is time for the new chapter already! Aren’t you lucky? Although, you’ll probably have to wait considerably longer for the third chapter, because Alison sucks.
Liz paused nervously in the doorway of Max’s lab station, uncertain as to how to approach him with her request. He was currently absorbed with another experiment. Max’s job rarely asked for more than half of his working hours, so he often filled in the other hours by creating stupid, harmless experiments using whatever he could find lying around. Mainly he just liked making chemicals react and setting things on fire, but Liz wasn’t one to comment on his destructive tendencies.

He glanced up when he heard her clear her throat and an automatic grin lit up his face as he turned away from his experiment to face her. “Liz Parker, come to witness my brilliance in the flesh?”

Max stiffened as he heard something pop behind him and a plume of thick smoke billowed past him.

“I hope that wasn’t important,” Liz smirked, her previous irritation momentarily forgotten as she laughed at Max’s hurried extinguishing and then cleaning up of his accident.

“This never happened.”

“If you say so.” Liz’s smile dropped and then she sighed as she remembered the real reason she had sought him out. “So listen, what are you doing on Friday?”

Max paused momentarily, turning from the charred mess he’d hurriedly dumped in the sink to face her. “Aside from being unspeakably brilliant? Not much.”

“Because I have a friend who wants to be set up. With you specifically.”

For a moment, Liz saw an unrecognisable emotion flicker across Max’s face before his teasing grin resumed its customary position. “Setting me up with one of your imaginary friends, Liz? You’re too kind.”

“Shut up,” she replied with a laugh. “It’s my best friend, Maria.”

“Why me though?”

“Well… you’re single, have a good job, don’t live with your parents and you’re not hideous, so you’re getting a bunch of green lights. Plus Maria’s heard me talk about you so she knows a little bit about you.”

Max’s eyebrows raised as he considered her words. “Parker, you talk about me?”

“Mainly just about the times you blow up experiments because you’re too busy contemplating your otherworldly brilliance,” Liz countered, feeling decidedly uncomfortable.

Max narrowed his eyes at her. “I thought we agreed that that never happened.”

Liz glanced behind him pointedly. “That smouldering wreck in the sink appears to disagree with you.”

“Early onset dementia is so sad,” Max tutted. “Hallucinations are one of the early signs. Have you told your parents?”

“Oh, eat a dick,” Liz replied with a half assed scowl. “So, are you in?”

Max paused momentarily, then sighed resignedly. “Sure, pencil me in.”

Liz smiled at him, the action not quite natural. She turned and headed towards the door, calling out to him over her shoulder as she went. “Cool, cool. I’ll text you with the deets closer to the time.”

Liz spun on her heel in the doorway and paused, nearly forgetting the second part of the deal. “Oh and before I forget, you need to bring another guy with you.”

Max looked up idly, glancing at Liz with mild curiosity. “Why? She into threesomes?”

Liz inclined her head with a tight smile. “No, the other guy would be for me. She doesn’t want to go on a blind date by herself, so it’s going to be a double blind date. It’s a safety precaution in case you turn out to be a rapist, murder or some other nefarious being.”

“Crap,” Max muttered. “I have to bring a single friend? Most of my friends are disgustingly coupled up.”

“Oh come on, surely a man of your amazingness would be able to find one single friend amongst the thousands you’re sure to have.”

Max shook his head apologetically. “Men are very jealous of my charisma and animal magnetism, Liz. I can’t help it if they’re threatened by me.”

“You don’t have one single friend?” Liz asked incredulously.

Max sighed heavily. “No, I do. But he’s going to be a total bitch to get to come.”

“Goodness,” Liz replied, an disgruntled look crossing her face. “Now I’m really excited about it.”

“Don’t worry,” Max reassured her with a dismissive wave of his hand as he turned back to the sink. “He’s an okay dude. You might even hit it off.”

“Your confidence is inspiring. Truly,” Liz deadpanned.

Max smiled tightly at her over his shoulder. “He really is a great guy, Liz. He just has this thing about blind dates. I’ll see what I can do.”

“Ok then,” replied Liz, fidgeting nervously in the doorway. “Well… seeya.”

“Bye,” Max called out, grimacing at the stinking mess in the sink. This was just not his day.
“Die you mother-fucking, cock-sucking pizza-face loser.”

On the screen, Max's head exploded in a messy, pulpy red mist.

Michael throw his arms up in the air, brandishing his games controller like a trophy. “Suck it loser,” he gloated.

“Gloating is so unattractive,” Max sniped.

Michael cackled smugly. “Said the loser.”

“Whatever,” Max grinned. He threw down his controller. “Do you want to play again?”

“No. Beating you three times in one night is enough for me,” Michael told him.

Max sighed with relief. “Do you want to put on a DVD?” he rose to his feet and rolled the kinks out of his neck. “Beer?”

“Sure, thanks.” Michael dropped down onto his knees to look through Max's DVD collection. Sitting right on top was Braveheart, Michael's all time favorite movie. Usually Max hid it when Michael came over. Michael passed over it. He had gone off Braveheart since Mel Gibson turned out to be a misogynistic, wife-bashing anti-semite prick. Underneath was a copy of The Matrix, yet another favourite of his and yet another that Max hid from him. In fact, as he flicked through them, Michael discovered that Max had put all of Michael's favourites to the top.

He was up to something.

Michael slipped a disc into the player and sat back down on the couch as Max returned with two beers. Michael's favourite brand.

“What's going on?” Michael asked.

“What? Nothing,” Max blustered.

Michael stared at him, waiting.

Max looked away first. “Ok, I have a favour to ask. You know my friend from work, Liz?”

“You've mentioned her once or twice,” Michael said dryly. Once or twice an hour, every hour since they had started working together.

“Yeah. Well, she has a friend -”

“No.”

“Come on, Michael, she's great. You'll really like her.”

“No.”

“She's smart, she's fun, she's gorgeous, she's... she's just amazing.”

“No.”

Max groaned. “Why not?”

Michael stared at Max in disbelief. “Seriously? You need to ask why? The last time I let you set me up the result was Courtney. Courtney! You remember how that one went down?” He picked up the beer and took a large drink, to drown the memory.

Max threw his head back, tired of having that argument thrown in his face all the time. “You were the one who pestered me to set you up. I didn't force you. And I warned you about Courtney, numerous times. It's not my fault that you're such a horny fucker that you'd risk dating a psycho just to dip your wick.”

“Whatever,” Michael dismissed. “I'm not going on any blind date with your friend's friend just so you can finally dip your wick.”

Max shrugged. Well, he'd tried. Liz would just have to remain dateless. Shame. “Fine. Your loss. Liz is amazing.”

“What?” Michael practically spit out his drink.

Max frowned. “What?”

Michael shook his head. Maybe he had a wax build up in his ear because he couldn't have heard what he thought he had heard. “Who exactly do you want to set me up with?”

“Liz Parker. My friend from work,” Max said slowly.

“Oh.” Huh. He did not see that coming. “Why are you setting me up with her? I thought you were in love with her?”

“I'm not,” Max spluttered. “What gave you that idea? We're just friends. Obviously, because she wouldn't be setting me up with her friend if.... We're just friends.” He sank back in his seat, looking so much like a wounded puppy that Michael actually wanted to pat him.

He shook his head in disbelief. He'd been listening to Max talk about Liz for so long that he knew practically everything there was to know about her. And he was sure that Liz was as wet for Max as Max was for her. So why the hell had she asked him to set her up with a friend? “Why does she want you to set her up?”

Max shrugged sulkily. “Her friend Maria asked to be set up with me. And she wanted a double date in case I’m a rapist or something. Whatever. Just put on the DVD. What did you pick?”

“The hangover.” Michael waited for a reaction. It was one of Max's favourites and usually he would have something to say, but Max said nothing.

Michael pressed play and sank back into the couch, but his mind wasn't on the movie playing out on the screen. It was on his friend.

Michael knew he wasn't the most sensitve guy in the world. He had the emotional maturity of a brick wall. He often needed Max to spell things out for him before he understood that other people were upset or disappointed or whatever. But even he knew that Max was carrying the boner of the century for Liz Parker. And Michael had been pretty sure it was mutual. Picking up on women's sexual desires, even women he had never met, was the one thing he was good at.

So what gives?

Could Liz Parker be as oblivious to Max's feelings as Michael was to most other people?

And another thing – the way he figured it, Liz probably spent as much time talking about Max as Max did about Liz. Therefore the 'friend' who wanted the set-up with Max was one of two things;

One, she was as oblivious and insensitive to people's feelings as he was. Even more so possibly because at least Michael would never have asked to be set-up with the girl Max was so clearly in love with.

Or two, she was a bitch who heard her friend talking about what a great guy Max was and wanted him for herself. And Liz, who must be as nice and kind as Max said she was hadn't the heart to say no to manipulative, selfish user who claimed to be her friend.

Now, most of the time Michael didn't give a shit how other people's relationships worked. As long as he didn't have to see it, or hear it, he didn't care who or what other people did.

But Max was different. Max had been his friend for as long as he could remember, his only friend sometimes. He had looked out for Michael, helped him, advised him, supported him. They were more like brothers than friends. And Michael was not going to stand by and watch some little bitch get her claws into Max and destroy whatever chance he might have with the girl of his dreams. He had to do something.

So he picked up the remote and pressed pause.

“What are you doing?” Max asked.

“I'll go on the date,” Michael said.

A range of emotions crossed Max's face before he schooled his features to neutral. “Ok. Good. I’ll set it up.”

“Cool.”

Michael pressed play and they went back to watching the movie in silence. Michael smirked to himself; this Maria girl had better watch out, he was going to make her regret ever asking for this set-up.

We're sorry for the long wait. In BB's defense, it was Alison holding up the works. Thank you to all the feedbackers, you're wonderful and we really appreciate your kind words. BB's turn to update this time. Guess which sections we wrote in this part and BB will show you her boobs again.

Leila
Keepsmiling7
Eve
Ellie
Twilight- What will we do? Eat chocolate and watch youtube videos. That’s basically what NRWD.
Natalie36
Roswell_Dreamer
Novy- Spoke too soon on the regular updating thing. Oops
Kay_b
Sundae- You want to see BB’s boobs a second time? Sorry, but you’ll have to buy her dinner first, she’s not some tramp.
MILA- Cool kids? Where? Let’s get ‘em!
Sarammlover
Neve- The best seduction of all time, really. What better way to Michael’s heart than through videogames and beer?
Kismet
Cardinal
Smac
April- Congrats on the job, sporky! We hope we can live up to your expectations!
Eva
Killjoy
Mddk98

“Could they have picked a crappier place to eat?” Michael queried, looking at the surroundings with distaste. “It’s like your grandma decorated the place. There’s gaudy bits of shit everywhere.”

As Max predictably spluttered, Michael took the moment to go over his plan once more. It was a pretty simple one, but one that he felt was worth doing properly. Step one, be rude to Liz’s friend. Step two, through step one get her to bail on this horror of a date. Step three, somehow makes sure that by the end of the night, Max and Liz were aware of their blatantly fucking obvious feelings. So, he hadn’t worked out all of the kinks yet, but he was sure that those would work themselves out when he got to them.

Max grimaced as Michael voiced his inner thoughts. “Michael, could you please keep an open mind about this? I told Liz you were a good guy, don’t make a liar out of me. Also, don’t talk shit about Nana Hetty. That woman was a saint.”

“Patron saint of shit taste,” Michael muttered, recoiling when Max glared at him murderously. “Look dude, I loved Nana Hetty just as much as the next guy, but you have to admit that her decorating skills bordered on retarded. I mean, who sets up their freaky doll collection in the dining room so they can stare at people with their fucking creepy glass eyes while they eat? I always felt like they were trying to eat my soul.”

Max ignored the fact that as soon as the doll collection had been passed down to his family they had sold it as quickly as humanly possible because they had all shared the same opinion as Michael. It was the principal of the matter. “Michael, I swear to god, one more word about my nana and I’ll-”

“Hope we’re not interrupting,” sounded a voice behind them.

Both men turned and Max’s face instantly lit up. “Not at all, we were just talking. How are you?”

Michael smirked as he took in the girl staring eagerly at Max who was returning her stupid grin with an equally stupid one of his own. God, they were already sickening and they weren’t even in a relationship yet.

Michael’s eyes drifted to the left and took in the homewrecker who was trying to keep his friend and his soulmate apart.

He took in her long, blonde hair.

Her full, sexy lips.

Her petite figure.

Her green eyes.
.
.
.
Change of plans.

No longer was he going to antagonise this woman. No, Michael was going to hit on this woman with all of his might. She was hot! Putting aside the fact that she might be a conniving man stealer (the jury was still out on that one), Michael had to at least attempt to steal her attention away from Max and sway it towards him. That way, Max and Liz would be forced to entertain each other and hopefully realise their feelings for one another, he would end up with a hot date by the end of it and hot girl wouldn’t be a threat to Max and Liz. Everyone’s a winner.

Michael grinned beatifically in the hot girl’s direction. Things were looking up.

“Oh, Max this is Maria, my friend that I told you about.”

Max smiled as enthusiastically as he could. Hopefully he bored this girl enough that she wouldn’t want a second date. He was sure she was great – she had to be if she was Liz’s best friend – but she was not his type. “It’s nice to meet you.”

“You too,” purred Maria, secretly gloating over the stony expression that came over Liz’s face. By the end of the night, Liz would have to have realised how she felt about Max if she kept this up.

“And this is Michael,” Max said, gesturing to his left.

Maria glanced over at Max’s friend for the first time and felt a swift tug in her abdomen. Oh crap, she thought. Of all the times to meet a guy she was attracted to, it had to be the time she was on a blind date with someone else.

“Nice to meet you,” Liz said softly, her eyes narrowing slightly in confusion when Michael didn’t remove his gaze from Maria to answer her.

“Should we take a seat?” Max asked, trying to diplomatically break up the staring competition that was happening between his friend and his date.

Maria blinked and almost blushed. What was she doing? She was there to flirt with Max and make Liz unspeakably jealous, not stare at Max’s hot friend. She pulled herself together and took a seat at their table, groaning when Michael seemed to purposefully place himself directly across the table from her instead of Liz.

“So, Max,” began Maria, annoyed that she had to flirt diagonally with him across the table. And even more annoyed that her traitorous body was glad Michael was sitting across from her. “Liz has told me so much about you.”

“So you probably feel like you already know him and don’t even really need to talk to him,” Michael replied, cutting in on Max’s response and ignoring the kick to his ankle. Fuck him, this was for his own good.

“I wouldn’t say that,” Maria replied, a bit unsure as to how to respond.

“So, what do you do, Maria? What does a day in the life of Maria consist of?”

Maria shot a querying look to the other two seated at the table, but their expression only mirrored hers. “Uh… I don’t know. I work as a receptionist for a record company, so I get up, go to work, answer phones, file things and then go home to Liz and tell her about my day. That’s about it.”

“Fascinating,” Michael said with a grin that gave her traitorous belly region butterflies. “Like your boss?”

Maria shot a confused glance towards Liz but received nothing more than “He’s ok I guess. Pays my wages and all that jazz.”

“Michael, do you enjoy working as a landscape gardener?” Liz asked when there was a pause in conversation.

“Sure beats working the streets,”

Maria couldn’t help herself. She knew she should be ignoring him and focusing on Max, but he was very hard to ignore. “And you’d know something about that, would you?”

Max nodded for Michael. “One of the best in the business, so I’m told.”

Maria tilted her head to the side and smiled cheekily at him, completely forgetting the plan for a moment. “So why’d you give up such a prosperous and fulfilling career?”

“The cost of latex got too high. Plus, dudes aren’t really my thing.”

Maria bit the inside of her cheek when he gave her a pointed wink along with his last statement. This was not working out the way that she had planned. She was here to make Liz jealous, not flirt with Liz’s date. Which, when put into those terms, sounded faintly ridiculous but she wasn’t about to quibble over semantics.

It was time to get serious and down to business. She hoped.
By the time the food arrived, Liz was just about ready to pull her hair out. Michael had spent the majority of the date flirting with Maria who was valiantly trying to do the right thing and not engage with him. Apparently it was a task she was ill prepared for.

Liz didn’t mind that Michael wasn’t interested in her; that was fine. Frankly, he wasn’t really her type anyway. But when out on a date, it was customary to at least pretend to pay attention to the person you were with. That was just good manners.

“There is absolutely no way you could possibly prefer Feist over Metallica. No way.”

Maria bit her lip and shot a sidelong glance at Max before giving up. There was no way she could let that one go and judging from the smirk on his face, he knew it too. Bastard.

“Choosing Metallica over Feist would be criminal. Absolutely criminal.”

Michael shook his head at her and crossed his arms across his chest as he gazed piercingly at her. “How on earth could you possibly justify that?”

Maria cocked one eyebrow and smiled sweetly at him. “Two words for you, my friend: St. Anger.”

Michael winced at the reminder. “Oooh, you are harsh. Straight shot the heart, DeLuca.”

“I play to win,” she said with a grin, unable to do anything but return his infectious smirk. “Besides, it’s all yelling and discord. I would be hard pressed to call it music.”

The look of horror on his face made her smirk. Leaning forward, his voice became very quiet and intense. “Take that back. You take it back right now.”

Maria leaned in closer, her eyes locked on his. “Make me.”

“What the hell is going on?” hissed Liz across the table to Max.

“I have no idea,” Max whispered back, only remotely annoyed that Michael was flirting so determinedly with his date. Though he didn’t want Maria for himself, he was still out on a date with her. “Kinda fun to watch though.”

“He does know that he’s meant to be on a date with me, right?” Liz queried, a little put out that she was being so completely ignored.

“I did tell him,” Max replied, his eyes still on the two people to his left.

Liz’s looked back across the table to Max and as soon as their eyes connected, she couldn’t stop the mirth from rising within her. Max bit back an amused smirk as they both expressed with their eyes what a truly fucking bizarre situation they both found themselves in.

After a moment, Liz’s eyes shot down to Max’s plate and a wistful expression full of longing came over her face. “Gimme some of your fries.”

Liz pouted when Max shook his head steadily. “You had your chance, you chose salad.”

“Well, it was a date. You don’t order fries on a date, you order salad.” Liz poked at withered lettuce leaf with great disdain and let out a groan. “God, I hate salad.”

Max shot her a bemused look. “You don’t order salad on a date, but that doesn’t preclude you from eating your friend’s fries? Have I got that right?”

Liz shrugged, shooting a sideways glance down the table at the two people still engaged in heavy flirtation. “Eh, if this was a real date I probably wouldn’t. I think you and I both know that this date was doomed for disaster right from the beginning.”

With a resigned sigh, Max slid his plate into the middle of the table. “Have at it.”

Liz picked up her fork with glee and speared a fry. She popped it into her mouth and let out a small moan. “Oh, heavily salted starch fried in oil, why are you so delicious?”

Liz paused as she reached out for another fry when she noticed Max watching her intently. “What?”

Max shook himself a little and then plastered on a smile. “Nothing. Please, continue to eat my food.”

“You can have some of my salad if you want,” Liz offered cheekily.

Max shot her a disdainful look. “That’s like taking someone’s Ferrari for a spin and then offering them a skateboard while they wait.”

“So that’s a no then?”

“That’s a no.”

“What’s a no?” Maria asked, having the grace to blush when she noted Max and Liz’s surprise at her registering their presence.

Michael nearly groaned aloud when he saw Maria once again turn back to Max. She seemed absolutely bound and determined to flirt with Max when it was all too clear that Liz and Max had major feelings for each other. Michael’s eyes narrowed as he wondered what type of friend was so determined to win the affections of a guy that her best friend was in love with. A fucking terrible one, he surmised. And as much as it pained him to realise it, it made her not just a terrible friend, but also a terrible person. This was a mildly upsetting realisation to come to, especially as it concerned the girl that he had been jonesing over for the better part of an hour, but Michael was above all things a good friend. He was here to make sure that Max got what he wanted and by god he was going to make sure of that.

Michael’s hands clenched into fists as he mentally prepared himself for a showdown. If it was war this chick wanted, then by god that’s what she’d get.
Maria opened the dessert menu and pretended to consider her options. In reality, she was regrouping. So far tonight was not going the way she had thought it would. And it was all Michael Guerin's fault. Damn him and his big, sexy man-hands.

She looked up to glare at him but he just grinned and winked at her. Maria couldn't help the blush that spread across her face, or the bolt of lust that shot through her body.

She looked back down at the menu again. Beside her Liz and Max were laughing over what dessert Liz should choose.

There were some positives to the night, Maria reflected. She had confirmed her suspicions that Max was as stupidly gaga for Liz as she was for him which, and the pair had finally seen each other outside of the lab and in a romantic setting. That was progress. Unfortunately, it seemed that Max wasn't going to do anything about his feelings for Liz, if he was aware of them. Another plus was the Liz really didn't like it when Maria flirted with Max. Maria could practically feel the bitch rays emanating from Liz's eyes whenever Maria turned on the charm. Of course at that point Michael interjected a comment that would draw Maria's attention to him and Liz and Max would go back to harmless, innocent non-flirting.

It was so aggravating. It had been months, months since she'd met a guy that she felt even a fraction of the attraction that she felt for Michael and the more they flirted the more the attraction grew and he was definitely attracted to her which made her like him even more.

If she could just get Liz to stake her claim on Max, then Maria could turn her attention to Michael and his sexy man-hands. The only way that Liz was going to that was by being so incredibly jealous she could no longer stand it, and the only way that was going to happen was if Maria flirted her ass off with Max. Which would mean ignoring Michael and making him think she was some kind of tramp.

So, she could flirt with Michael and leave Max and Liz to their own devices which would mean they'd never get together or she could ruin her own chances with Michael and get Liz and Max together.

Shit.

She knew she really only had one option. Liz had been in love with Max for half a century now whereas she'd only known Michael for about ninety minutes. Plus, the sooner she got Max and Liz together the sooner she could refocus her attention on Michael.

Of course that meant she might have to do something drastic which would really make her look like a slut but, desperate times. She groaned at the thought of what she might have to do.

Her three companions looked at her in surprise, and Maria realised she'd groaned aloud.

“Is something wrong, Maria?” Max asked.

Maria swallowed her pride. Here goes nothing, she thought. She gave Max her most seductive smile. “What I want isn't on the menu.” She raised her eyebrow suggestively and bit her lip.

Max blushed furiously. Beside her, Liz bristled. Maria did her best to ignore the way Michael stiffened and glared at her.

She was doing this for Liz. She was doing this for Liz.

There as an awkward silence from everybody in the wake of Maria's comment until the waiter came over to take their dessert order.

Liz was seething. She couldn't believe how forward Maria was acting. Had she no morals? Was it not enough that Michael couldn't take his eyes off her? Why was she being so flirty with Max?

She ignored the small voice that tried to remind her that Maria has asked to be set up with Max in the first place.

“Liz,” Max prompted.

She jumped in her seat. “Yes.”

“The waiter wants to take your order,” Max grinned, pointed to the waiting man.

“Oh,” Liz blushed. “I'll, uh, I’ll have the fruit cup.” It wasn't what she had wanted to order but it was all that she could remember from the menu. For some reason, she wanted to cry.

“I hope you don't think that I’m going to give you any of my profiteroles,” Max teased.

Liz smiled at him half-heartedly.

Max reached across the table. “Are you ok? You look kind of-”

Maria interrupted before Max could ask his question. “Max, I love your watch.” She grabbed his hand and pulled it closer, leaning over to have a better look at it.

“It's just a watch,” Max shrugged, trying not to look down the front of her dress.

“I think there's something so sexy about a man who wears a watch,” Maria smiled. She stroked his hand. “You have such big hands. I find big hands so sexy, I always imagine them on my body.” Maria looked quickly at Michael's hands.

Liz's mouth fell open and she stared at her best friend in shock. Max didn't know where to look.

Maria turned Max's hand over and ran her finger along his palm. “You have a long loveline. That's very good.”

“Right.” Max pulled his hand away, obviously completely mortified. He threw Liz a pleading look.

“What's your loveline like?” Michael asked Maria. “Lots of branches?”

Maria sat bolt upright. “What does that mean?”

“Michael, you never told us where you work. Where do you work?” Liz interrupted loudly.

Michael barely looked at Liz as he answered. “I'm the groundskeeper at the Fairfield Country club.”

“Oh, so you work with your hands a lot?” Liz asked, hoping to draw Maria's attention to Michael's very nice, big hands.

Michael lifted his calloused hands. “All the time.”

Maria sucked in a deep breath and Liz smiled to herself, happy that she had diverted Maria's attention.

She turned back to Max who was watching her with a small smile. She blushed. She didn't know why, but when Max smiled at her like that, she always blushed.

He looked so handsome tonight, she thought. Well, he always looked handsome, but particularly so tonight. It was nice to see him out of his work clothes.

Liz looked around for the waiter, silently urging him to hurry up with the desserts so that they could get this meal over with, go home and forget all about this nightmare. Thankfully, the waiter was on his way back with their desserts and silence fell on the table once again as they all tucked in. Well, the others tucked in, Liz just poked at a piece of pineapple and wished that she ordered what Max had ordered.

Max caught her hungry glance at his plate and he smiled again. “Do you want some?” he asked.

Liz shook her head. “No, thanks. It's yours.”

“I'd love to try it,” Maria said huskily.

“Oh,” Max looked at Maria with surprise. Uncertainly, he lifted a profiterole onto his spoon and held it out to Maria.

Maria seemed to take a deep breath before she leaned over and took the spoon in her mouth suggestively. “Mmm.”

Michael looked furious, Max turned bright red and even Maria looked embarrassed.

Liz was furious. Maria was acting like such a brazen hussy. She was embarrassing herself and everybody else at the table. Liz threw down her napkin and grabbed Maria's arm. “I'm going to the ladies room, Maria, come with me.”

Without giving Maria a chance to respond, she hauled Maria to her feet and dragged her to the privacy of the restroom to have a stern word with her best friend.

Sorry about the length of time between updates, it's Alison's fault again because she sucks. But I suspect you already knew that.

Thank you to all feedbackers.

Mddk98
Eve
Keepsmiling7
Natalie36
Novy- You jinxed it anyway, lol. No, not really it’s all Alison’s fault once again. BB was on time with her part of the update.
Ellie
Roswell_Dreamer
Sarammlover – Well, I’ll guess you’ll see if your hopes come true in this update.
Zaneri1- Well, we like to think so
Cardinal – Other way round, Maria’s all clued up. It’s Liz that needs to buy a clue and if we have our way, she will.
Sundae – Please, she’ll do that for half a buck and a burrito. That’s nothing.

“What are you doing?” hissed a furious Liz as she rounded on Maria in the cramped bathroom of the restaurant.

Maria feigned innocence, but felt her palms beginning to sweat. Lying to Liz was never something she was particularly good at.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Maria replied loftily, hoping to all the deities that she could think of that Liz would just let it go.

Liz stared her down, her anger and disapproval showing clearly on her face. “Bullshit. You’ve spent the entire date flirting with my date, ignoring Max sporadically – who, incidentally was someone you begged to be set up with – and then occasionally throwing embarrassing, sexually suggestive comments towards him. I am absolutely positive that he thinks you’re bipolar, or at the very least mentally unstable.”

“Liz, please, you’re being melodramatic,” Maria hedged, wondering what her chances were of pushing past Liz to make it to the door. She reasoned that with the fury Liz was showing, her chances were slim to none.

“Don’t you dare turn this around on me!” Liz fumed, her fists clenching as she recalled Maria’s brazen come on to Max. She ignored the thought that Maria’s suggestive attitude towards Max angered her far more than her behaviour with Michael and focussed on just being furious. Which she was. Inordinately so if you were to ask her on another occasion, but Liz was too busy being angry to analyse the reasons behind her rage.

“Look Liz-”

“No, you look!” Liz all but screamed through gritted teeth. “You’ve been acting like a total hooker tonight!”

Maria’s eyes just about popped out of her skull. On any other occasion this exclamation from Liz might have induced some amusement, but she was totally serious. Liz had never flung insults at her and meant them before. “Excuse me?!”

The shock and surprise on Maria’s face only served to anger Liz more. “You’ve flirted with Michael most of the evening and only stopped momentarily to give Max a sexual invitation that was about as subtle as whipping off your panties and spreading your legs for him!”

Maria couldn’t believe the things that were coming from her best friend’s mouth. She also couldn’t believe how much they hurt. She wouldn’t even be in this situation if Liz hadn’t been so goddamn stupid and had woken up to her feelings about Max.

With the anger welling inside her, Maria snapped, “Well maybe I thought if I flirted with Max it would finally sink into your completely fucking unaware head that you’re so gone for him that it’s not funny!”

“What?” Liz spluttered, unable to deal with the riotous emotions that rolled through her at Maria’s exclamation.

“You. Are. In. Love. With. Max.” Maria spelled out for her.

“I am not!” Liz exclaimed, her heart beating at an exceedingly fast rate for reasons she didn’t quite comprehend.

“Bullshit,” Maria stated, crossing her arms and cocking an eyebrow at her clueless friend. “If you were any more repressed about your blatantly fucking obvious feelings, you’d be monogramming Liz Evans onto towels in your sleep.”

“I- I…” Liz stammered, unable to formulate any sort of response.

“Admit it,” Maria goaded, a smirk on her face now that she had finally forced Liz to see what was plain for everyone to see. “Admit that the only reason you’re angry with me is that I flirted with Max. You don’t care that Michael was supposed to be your date and he spent the entire night flirting with me, what’s really pissing you off is that I came onto Max when he’s your property.”

Liz regained enough of her composure to feign a look of outrage. “You set this whole thing up! You lied to me!”

“Of course I lied to you, it was the only way I could get the two of you to confront your feelings. God knows that you’re both head over heels for each other, but neither one of you is brave enough to make a move. I had to do something before you hit menopause, I mean-”

“Shut up,” Liz demanded breathily, the sudden tightness in her chest constricting her breathing. “Are you saying that Max is in love with me?”

Maria rolled her eyes at the hopeful expression stamped across Liz’s face. “Of course he is. Anyone with eyes that aren’t yours, and apparently his, can see it.”

Liz felt her heart nigh on explode in her chest at Maria’s casual, yet oh-so assured words. She couldn’t deny her reaction to Maria’s words and couldn’t deny what her reaction meant. Regardless of whether Maria was right or not, she couldn’t escape the fact that the thought of Max loving her had sent her into near cataclysmic bliss. She wanted Max to love her. Desperately. And the only reason that she could possibly see as to why she would want that would be that she loved Max as well.

The realisation hit her like a tonne of bricks and left her reeling. She gripped the sink behind her as her knees started to give way.

“I can’t breathe,” Liz wheezed out as she sank down onto the carpet.

“Oh crap,” cried Maria as knelt down beside her gasping friend. “Sweetheart, you’re having a panic attack. I want you to calm down, ok? I need you to breathe. Breathe with me. In… and out. In… and out.”

Liz tried to mimic the actions of her very concerned best friend and eventually managed to calm the spastic rhythm of her heart and lungs.

“Let’s focus on something else for a moment. Just take your mind off of spazzing out,” Maria suggested, causing Liz to push out a wheezing laugh that ended in a coughing fit.

“No,” replied Liz once her coughing fit had died down. “You’re going to explain to me how exactly we got to be in the position we’re in now. And don’t you dare skimp on the details. I deserve to know everything.”

“Well,” said Maria as she pursed her lips. “I suppose you should know that I’ve known about your feelings for Max for a long, long time. Way longer than you have, obviously. But you weren’t doing anything about it, so I thought that maybe you needed a nudge.”

“A nudge?” Liz deadpanned, thinking back to Maria’s theatrics at their dinner table. “That’s what you call a nudge?”

“Shush!” demanded Maria. “Don’t interrupt my train of thought or I’ll lose it. Look, I saw how happy you were when you talked about Max and I just knew how much happier you’d be if you were with him and vice versa. So I got you to set us up on a blind date so that you could see what you were missing.”

Liz felt the relief wash through her at Maria’s explanation. Maria'd never been interested in Max for herself and had only been thinking of her best friend when she’d concocted this misguided plan. “So your plan from the minute you thought of it was to hit on Max until I was so insane with jealousy that I gave into my feelings?”

Maria nodded. “Yeah, pretty much. But mostly I just wanted you to recognise that you had feelings. You scientist types are so emotionally repressed I thought it would take a half a century at least before that happened. I needed a catalyst to speed up the realisation and that unfortunately required some rather focussed flirting.”

“And how did Michael fit into this?”

“He didn’t,” Maria replied with a sigh. “He was a definite spanner in the works. I anticipated your date to be some mild mannered Patsy who wouldn’t be a threat to the plan. Instead he turned out to be the first guy I’ve been truly attracted to in ages and who seemed to be attracted to me too. But I think that ship has sailed. In any case, I’ll be fine. He’s not the only guy with big sexy man hands. I’m not starved of choice.”

Liz saw past the flippant dismissal of Michael and saw the true sacrifice Maria had made on her behalf. “You ruined your chances with the first guy you’ve really liked for ages and embarrassed yourself by acting like a total slut, just for me?”

Maria snorted, but then agreed with the assessment. “Yeah. I guess I did.”

Liz pulled her into a tight hug and whispered, “I love you, DeLuca.”

Maria held her tightly for a moment before pulling away with a wicked smile on her face. “Don’t be getting all gay on me, Parker. Save that stuff for Max.”

“Oh god,” Liz cried, the furrow returning to her brow at the mention of the guy waiting for her at their table. “Max. What am I going to do?”

“Fuck his brains out?” Maria suggested helpfully, ignoring the glare she got in return for her totally valid advice.

“Why did I think you would be any help at all?” Liz exclaimed, her hysterics growing.

“Don’t be such a drama queen,” Maria ordered, grabbing Liz’s hands to stop her from wringing them. “Just walk up to the table, ask to talk to him alone and then tell him how you feel.”

“What if he doesn’t feel the same way?” Liz cried, horrible images of rejection flashing in her mind.

“He does.”

“But what if he doesn’t?” Liz reiterated.

“He does,” Maria replied tersely.

“But-”

“He does!” Maria cut in impatiently. “Listen, I have been wrong about many a thing, but I have never been more right about this. He is into you. There is no mistaking it. Now you are going to march up to him and you are going to pull him aside and tell him how you feel, ok?”

Liz nodded a little vaguely, her voice trembling a bit when she said, “Ok.”

“Ok?” echoed Maria, a little surprised that Liz had been that easy to convince. She wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth though, whatever that meant. “Ok.”

She rose to her feet and extended her hand to Liz. “Now let’s get up and do this thing.”

They walked out of the bathroom together, Maria offering silent support to her love struck and blind-sided friend. Liz made a wild grab for Maria’s hand when Max’s head turned towards her. Their eyes connected and Maria winced as Liz unconsciously tightened her grip.

Liz took a deep breath and tried to regain her composure. This was going to be a disaster. She could just feel it.
Max watched Liz until she disappeared into the Ladies room before turning to Michael. “What the fuck are you doing?”

Michael who was engrossed in eating his dessert looked up in surprise. “What?” he asked with his mouth full.

“You're being such a dickhead,” Max snapped. “You've completely ignored Liz all night and you might as well just hump Maria's leg and get it over with. And then when she ignored you, you practically called her a slut.”

“Did you see what she was doing, Max? Have you ever seen anybody who wasn't in a porn movie to that?”

Max sighed and reluctantly shook his head. “No, I guess not. But, I don't think she really thought it through, she looked just as embarrassed as the rest of us.”

Michael scoffed. “She looked like she knew exactly what she's doing. I can't figure her out. She seems really cool and fun most of the time, but then she goes and does something like that.” He shook his head in disappointment. She was hot and it would have been interesting to see what might have happened between them if she wasn't such a bitch.

“She is supposed to be on a date with me. What's the problem with her doing a little flirting?” Max asked. Privately, he agreed with Michael. Maria's behaviour had made him feel really uncomfortable. Even though he had no interest in her, she had seemed really nice, until the spoon thing.

“I just think it's a low move,” Michael said. He put his spoon down on his empty plate and pouted. He glanced across the table to the girl's desserts.

“Don't even think about it!” Max warned.

Michael contemplated calling the waitress over and ordering another dessert.

“You're such a pig,” Max said grumpily. “God, Liz must think I’m such a jerk.”

“Why would Liz think you're a jerk?”

“Because, she asked me to introduce her to a nice guy and I brought along you. I thought you would be charming and fun and you'd hit it off with her. Instead you're acting like a jerk and your behaviour reflects on me.”

Michael decided not to be insulted by Max's words. He knew he didn't really mean them. “If you really wanted to set her up with somebody she'd hit it off, you'd have asked Alex. You knew I wouldn't hit it off with her. We have nothing in common. That's why you asked me to come. ”

“What? Why would I do that?”

“Because you're in love with her.”

Max spluttered and coughed. He was outraged and shocked at Michael's absurd claim. It was crazy. “What?... Where did you get that idea from? I’m not in love with Liz Parker.”

“Sure,” Michael nodded, not believing him, at all.

“I mean, she's great. We're good friends and I think the world of her but that doesn’t mean that I’m in love with her,” Max argued. “We have the same sense of humor and we can talk to each other about anything. She's a lot of fun. And we have a lot in common, like we enjoy the same books and the same movies. If I’m having a problem I can always go to her. She's always got my back. You need somebody like that around the lab. Especially when you have to deal with Courtney on a daily basis.”

Max fell silent for a moment and played with the profiteroles on his plate. Michael eyed them hungrily.

“And, sure, I think Liz is very attractive. I’d have to be blind not to think that. She's the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen... She makes a lab coat and a pair of goggles look sexy. Just because I think of her that way sometimes doesn't mean anything. I’m a guy, it's a normal guy thing... Most days she's the only pretty girl that I interact with so I probably think about her a little bit more than other girls. But, come on, she's gorgeous. Have you ever seen a more beautiful woman?”

“Meh,” Michael shrugged. “She's not bad. I prefer blondes.”

Max shook his head in disbelief. “What is wrong with you? She's incredible. The first time I ever saw Liz, I literally walked into a wall because I couldn't take my eyes off her. My heart still races when she enters the room. When she smiles, it's like the sun shining. And those eyes, when she looks at me, I swear, my heart stops.”

Michael raised an eyebrow. He knew Max had it bad for Liz, he just hadn't realised it was this bad.

“But, it's not just because she's beautiful on the outside,” Max continued. “She has this inner glow. She's just... ethereal.”

“Ethereal?” Michael repeated. He shook his head.

Max didn't hear him, he was too busy coming to a startling revelation. “Oh my God. I am in love with Liz Parker.” He stared at Michael. “When did that happen?”

“Around the same time you walked into the wall,” Michael told him dryly. “If you're not going to eat that...”

Max distractedly pushed his dessert over to Michael. “It's not been that long.”

Michael speared a profiterole and popped it in his mouth. “It has. I knew the second you came home with that black eye.”

“You've known all this time and you never said anything?”

“I thought you knew,” Michael protested. “It was so obvious.”

“Fuck,” Max groaned. He rubbed his face with his hands. “So, what do I do?”

“Tell her you like her, take her somewhere private and introduce her to the little man.”

“Ok, that's gross.”

Michael laughed. “If you think it's gross then you're doing it wrong.”

“No, I mean, I’m not going to treat Liz like that. Not, that she'd want me too anyway.”

“Man, you're even denser than I thought,” Michael sighed. He dropped his spoon on the empty plate and patted his stomach. “She's in love with you too. Right now, she's bitch slapping Maria for pulling that stunt with the spoon.”

“She is not.”

“She is,” Michael insisted. “Trust me, Max, I was right about you and I'm right about her. You two need to get a room and get it on. And now's your chance.”

Max followed Michael's gaze and watched Liz and Maria approach the table. His heart slammed into his throat. Shit.

Yeah, so here's the thing. Alison and I totally had the next part written but then these big kids came and they pushed us and stole our story and then a dog came along and ate it and then a spaceship came along and it beamed the dog up into their spaceship and then the aliens came along and ate the dog and then some bigger aliens came along and they ate the little aliens and that was the end of our story. So, sadly, despite our very best efforts we won't be updating Table For Four at this time. But do stayed tuned, because any day now we're sure to get off our lazy arses and write something. Possibly.

Alright, so both BB and Alison would like to send out their apologies for taking so long to update this fic. Usually this is the point where BB would blame Alison and Alison would graciously take it, but not today. Because today BB posted a very bad April Fool’s prank that caused some people a lot of sadness. Including Alison.

For those wondering: BB is NOT letting Golddiggers go uncompleted, she’s just being mean.

So, if all your anger could be directed her way, that would be swell. Alison has already called her both male and female genitalia, so get creative with your insults.

Ellie – BB is very sorry for making you think GD was over. In the future she’s going to run all her jokes/pranks past Alison to make sure that they’re funny.
Sarammlover
Natalie36 – Why do we leave you hanging? Because we’re evil (especially BB after her GD prank. Call her a bitch. She likes that.)
Keepsmiling7
Ginger
Sptfire86
Cardinal – Um… ick.
Eva
Bluejanuar
Eve
Roswell_Dreamer
Zaneri1
Novy – BB would especially like to extend her apologies to you, Noves. She is very sorry that she made you sad about her leaving RF. Feel free to kick her in the crotch, but be warned that in doing so you might lose your shoe.
Nitpick23
Angiebrenna
Xmag
Besomeoneyoulove
Mddk98
Ilonka.Green
Chad is so rad- DUDE. SERIOUSLY. UPDATE YOUR OWN FIC.
MILA


“Maria,” Liz whispered from the corner of her mouth clutching at Maria’s arm as they walked back to their table. “I don’t think I can do this.”

Maria wriggled her arm free from Liz’s grasp with a wince. The woman had fucking raptor claws. “Fucking man up, Liz, you pussy.” She hissed, her forced smile belying the menace in her words.

Liz whimpered in protest but sat down anyway. Maria nearly groaned when she saw that Liz was looking everywhere besides Max. Add to that that Michael hadn’t stopped glaring at her since the two of them sat down and this was a recipe for a fucking delightful evening.

“Have a good time in the bathroom, Maria?” Michael asked archly. “Meet any guys on the way there?”

Maria pointedly ignored Michael and turned her attention back to Max. Time to get things rolling, and if Liz wouldn’t then she’d have to do it herself. “So, Max, how long have you and Liz been friends for?”

Max turned his eyes to Liz and Maria could see the longing in his gaze. It was amazing how obvious they were.

“Oh, ever since Liz started working at BioMed Labs,” Max answered as carelessly as he could. He wasn’t about to let it slip that he knew how long they had been friends for right down to the day. He needed to act cool.

Liz ignored the pointed look that Maria gave her and focussed on a discolouration on the table in front of her. She had thought back in the bathroom that she could do it, but now… faced with Max she knew she didn’t have the guts. He was too wonderful for someone like her.

“Really?” Maria asked, glancing over at Liz’s bowed head and then back over to Max who was staring intently at Liz with concern. “So you guys just hit it off, just like that?”

“Yeah,” Max replied, only half listening to her. “We were in a meeting and Liz snorted at something Courtney said and from then on I knew she was a kindred spirit.”

Maria sat quietly for a moment, assessing the situation. Michael was still glaring at her. Liz was staring at the table ignoring both herself and Max. Max was trying to get Liz’s attention and it seemed that it was up to her to put an end to this clusterfuck of a blind double date.

“So Max… what’s your favourite sexual position?”

Maria smirked when Liz’s head snapped up and her eyes connected with hers. About time she showed some goddamn emotion other than fear. If the glare on Liz’s face didn’t give away the anger she was feeling, the swift kick to Maria’s shins surely did. Maria merely smirked and raised her eyebrows challengingly. If Liz thought that she’d back down, she was in for a rude shock. She’d get Liz to admit her feelings, even if she had to goad her into fury to do so.

Michael grimaced as Maria’s flirting with Max returned with a vengeance. His eyes just about popped out of his skull when he saw Maria’s taunting smirk to Liz. She knew! That bitch knew that Liz was hot for Max and was flirting with Max purposefully in front of Liz.

Good god, she really was a whore. A poisonous, venomous slut. He’d put a stop to her bitch acts; he just wished that his gonads didn’t react so strongly to her. It was hard to be furious with someone when you kept picturing them naked.

As Max predictably spluttered, Michael bit out tersely, “Why? Are there some positions he has to pay extra for?”

Maria blushed furiously at Michael’s insinuation, but didn’t respond. Though when she got home she was going to have a stern talk with her sex drive about not finding guys who insult her sexually attractive. Stupid vagina.

“I’ve got a book on sexual positions at home and I’m quite interested in trying out the rocking horse. Know anybody who’d be interested?”

Maria didn’t even bother to feel embarrassed anymore. Watching Liz’s impotent fury grow was far more amusing than it probably should have been.

“Run out of homeless men?” Michael asked. “Surely a girl like you would have a whole stable of willing men waiting in the wings.”

Maria ignored the pointed dig and merely smiled at Michael, while snickering under her breath at Max’s horrified face and Liz’s growing rage. “Just wanted to add one more stallion to the ranks. A strong, sexy stallion.”

“Well, it’s getting late,” cried Liz, springing up from her chair and clapping her hands together, her face as red as a beetroot. “I think it’s time we all went home. Separately,” she added, narrowing her eyes at Maria. “I think we should all go home to our own places and sleep in our own beds. Alone.”

“We haven’t paid for our food yet, Lizbian,” Maria reminded her with a careless yawn, throwing in Liz’s most hated nickname as an added bonus. “Besides, if we go home now I won’t be able to get to know Max better, and that would be a shame.”

Liz ground her teeth together at Maria’s suggestive tone. She was going too far.

“Ok, well we’ll flag down a waiter and get the check,” Liz said, her voice jumpy with anger and anxiety.

“That’s a great idea,” spluttered Max, spurred into action by the incentive of getting the fuck away from Maria. He stood up from his seat and waved eagerly to a waiter who promptly ignored him. “We could even just leave a bunch of money. We could estimate how much our food costs and then leave extra for the tip.”

Michael rolled his eyes at Max’s eagerness to leave. Sure, Maria was acting like a total whore, but he wasn’t about to let his hard earned money go to waste just because Max couldn’t handle sexual suggestion. He was just about to object when Maria beat him to it.

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” groaned Maria standing up from her seat, giving both Max and Liz searing glares. “Would you just fucking have sex already?”

Liz and Max both sat back in their seats abruptly as Maria’s words sank in.

Michael’s eyes snapped up and locked onto Maria’s face. Was she implying what he thought she was implying? His eyes zinged back and forth between Max and Liz’s horrified faces and Maria. Could it be that Maria wasn’t a conniving man-stealing whore? Could it be that she had only had Liz’s best interest at heart, and by extension Max’s?

Maria huffed, clearly having lost all interest in pissing Liz off when it looked like she might sneak away without confessing her love to Max. “I mean, Jesus! I gave up my dignity for you, just so that you’d frigging realise that you’re in love with Max. And for what? So that you can sit there and pussy out of telling him how you feel?”

“Maria!” Liz shrieked, her face turning an unhealthy shade of red.

Maria waved her off impatiently. “No, I’ve had enough, Liz. You two have the joint emotional maturity of a lump of dog shit. Probably not the best thing I could have said, but the message is clear. I’m pissed off at you. You and Max are in love. You know it. He knows it. I know it. Jesus, I bet even Mr Sensitivity over there knows it!” exclaimed Maria with a sweeping gesture towards Michael. “Why can’t you just reach out for what you want?”

“I’m not brave like you, Maria!” Liz hissed between her teeth. “I can’t just tell Max how I feel! I’m not good with rejection!”

“You have feelings for me?” Max asked eagerly, cutting Maria off from what she was going to say.

“I-I uh…” Liz choked, her face feeling like a beetroot.

“Liz,” Max implored, ignoring all the curious stares from other restaurant goers. He had to know if what Maria said was true. “Is that true?”

Liz shot one last pleading look towards Maria, begging her to save her from this nightmare, but she was just met with a stony stare. Sighing, she nodded and mumbled out, “Yes.”

The enormous grin that spread over Max’s face went unseen by Liz who was once again memorising the table top.

“Liz, I have loved you since the moment I laid eyes on you,” Max confessed, his heart soaring to heights he didn’t know it could reach. He felt like he could fly, like he was about to burst. How could one body contain so much joy?

Liz’s head snapped up and her heart leapt up into her throat as she whispered, “I love you too!”

Leaping out of his chair, Max pulled Liz from hers and caught her in a breath stealing kiss as all the nearby spectators applauded.

Maria squealed and high-fived the closest restaurant goer and then held her hand up to Michael before realising that he might not be so willing to high five her. But thankfully his hand came up and connected with hers.

Michael cast a slightly disgusted look at the pair who had groped their way to a booth and were now so engrossed with being embarrassingly mushy with one another that they didn’t even register his presence. His eyes slid back to Maria who was now resurrected to her former glory and he grinned. “Wanna get out of here?”

Maria tried to hide her overjoyed smile from him, but failed miserably. Downstairs, her lady parts were also rejoicing. It really had been a very long time since she’d been this attracted to a man and he no longer thought she was a whore. Things were certainly looking up. “Yeah.”

Maria rummaged around in her handbag for her purse. “I’ll just leave some money.”

“Let them get it,” said Michael, happy that they had finally admitted their feelings for one another, but not that happy that he was going to overlook their PDA. “I don’t think I’ve ever earned a free meal more. That evening can only be described as a complete bumblefuck.”

Maria snorted. “I was going to go with nightmare, but bumblefuck works too. I think I’ve earned a free meal as well.”

Taking her by the hand and leading her to the exit, Michael couldn’t help but be pleased with the outcome of the evening. Even if it had been so torturous that the Geneva conventions would have outlawed it if they’d known about it.

He was sure that one day the four of them would laugh about it though. Maybe after lots and lots of booze.

Lots and lots and lots of booze.
Michael and Maria emerged from the restaurant hand in hand and without having to discuss it, they made a beeline for the bar directly across the street.

They ordered drinks and took seats in a booth.

“So, that was fun,” Michael said, to break the ice.

Maria suddenly glared at him. “Look, I hope you realize that what I was doing at dinner was just an act to make Liz jealous so that she'd admit she liked Max. I don't normally behave like that. I’m not a slut. So if you think that I’m going to sleep with you or-”

“Whoa, whoa,” Michael said, holding up his hands in surrender. “I don't think you're a slut. I think you're kind of awesome actually. What you did was pretty cool.”

“You inferred that I was a fucking prostitute at dinner,” Maria reminded him, still bristling.

Michael groaned. “Yeah... I’m really sorry about that. In my defense though, you were coming on to Max pretty hard. I thought you were a backstabbing bitch trying to steal him from your friend. The only reason I even agreed to that double date was to make sure that you didn't get your claws into him.”

Maria relaxed. “So you were trying to get them together too? What was your plan exactly?” As far as she could tell, he'd done fuck all.

He shrugged. “To run interference and distract you from Max and make sure he went home with Liz and not you.”

“Oh.” Maria visibly slumped in disappointment. So, he wasn't attracted to her, he had only been flirting with her to stop her from flirting with Max. Well, wasn't that just the cherry on the fucking cake. She sank back in her seat and covered her face with her hands. She wanted to cry.

Michael noticed the look of dismay on her face and couldn't help smile as his heart rate kicked up a notch. She liked him! “Well, that was the plan, anyway,” he continued. “But then you turned out to be pretty awesome so then the plan was to keep you for myself.”

Maria lowered her hands from her face and smiled shyly at him. “Really?”

“Really,” he confirmed. “You're funny, smart, sexy. And that thing with the spoon was so hot.”

“Oh, God,” Maria groaned. “That was so embarrassing. I can't believe I did that. I felt like such a fucking slut.”

“I thought it was hot.”

“You thought I was a hooker. I could see it in your face.”

Michael shrugged. “Ok, yeah, at the time when I thought you were trying to steal your best friend's guy I thought you were a slutty bitch. But now that I know you were playing cupid, I think it was pretty hot.”

He smiled at her again and Maria couldn't help but smile back.

“And I’m wondering what it would take to get you to lick my spoon?”

Maria laughed. “I don't even know what that means. Is that your way of asking me to give you a blowjob?”

Michael had the grace to look ashamed. He scratched his eyebrow nervously. “I guess I was trying to ask you out. With the hope of eventually having sex with you, yes.”

Maria was squealing with happiness internally, but she kept a calm facade. “That was a piss ass attempt at asking me out. Do it properly.”

Michael laughed. Mostly at her use of the term, ‘piss ass’, which he was pretty sure had never before been used in the history of the world. “Maria, would you like to go out with me sometime? Soon?”

“I'd love to go out with you,” Maria admitted, unable to keep the excitement out of her voice. “But I have one condition.”

“Name your terms,” Michael grinned. He'd agree to anything to get a date with her.

“It's just us next time. Let's leave Max and Liz at home.”

Michael laughed loudly. “It's a deal.”

As if on cue, the door to the bar opened admitting Max and Liz looking flushed, happy and giggly.

“Speak of the devils,” Maria said. She slid around the booth to make room for the couple, which happily meant she was sitting beside Michael. He put his arm along the back of the booth behind her.

Max and Liz slipped into the booth and cuddled into each other looking completely in love and deliriously happy.

“I'm surprised that you two even remembered we existed,” Michael teased.

Liz blushed and giggled. “The restaurant kicked us out and the valet attendant said you'd come in here.”

“The restaurant kicked you out?” Maria echoed incredulously. She broke into a smile. “Were you two trying to do it in the restroom?”

“No!” Liz denied immediately. “We weren't going to do anything. We were just... making out. All our clothes were still on.”

“You tramps,” Maria teased.

“I'm going to get us drinks,” Max said when no waiter came to take their order. He kissed Liz quickly and slid out of the booth.

Maria stared at Michael pointedly.

He glanced down at her glass, still half full. “What?”

“Go with him so that Liz and I can talk about you guys,” she ordered.

Michael shook his head but obediently complied. Maria shot him a smug look as he followed after Max. They hadn't even dated and he was whipped already. She loved it!

She turned back to Liz and the two of them squealed with happiness.

“Finally,” Maria cried. “I thought you two were never going to get it together. I am so happy for you.”

Liz was beaming with happiness, so much so that her cheeks were beginning to hurt from all the smiling, but she couldn't stop. “I know. It's amazing. Max is amazing. Thank you, Maria. Thank you so much. I can't believe you did all that for me.”

“You're worth it, babe,” Maria shrugged. “Just don't make me do it again.”

“I won't. Max is all mine now and I’m never letting him go.” She looked over the bar to where Max was ordering drinks and noticed Michael was watching them. “You know, Michael likes you.”

Maria flipped her hair over her shoulder. “I know. He's already asked me out.”

“That was quick.”

“I like a man who knows what he wants and goes after it,” Maria said. “Which is why it would never have worked between Max and me. That, and oh yeah, he's madly in love with my best friend.”

Liz beamed again. “So you said yes?”

“Of course,” Maria nodded. “Hey do you think we can count tonight as a date?”

“Probably not,” Liz said. Maria looked disappointed. “Why?”

“Because my rule is that I can only sleep with a guy after three dates. So if I can count tonight as one date. And then lunch and dinner tomorrow as two and three, that means I can sleep with him tomorrow night. I think my lady parts can hold out for twenty-four hours... Maybe. How about you?”

Liz giggled. “Mine have held out for a year, they're not going to hold out much longer. An hour, two, tops.”

At the bar, Max waited patiently as the bartender flirted with a hot chick. After the night he'd had he wasn't going to begrudge anybody their chance to get with the girl of their dreams. Even if the guy behind the bar had as much chance with the hot chick as he had of growing a vagina.

He glanced at Michael who was watching the girls. Max looked over his shoulder and smiled at Liz who was grinning from ear to ear. He noticed Maria catch Micheal’s eye and wink at him.

“Maria is so fucking hot, man,” Michael said. “If you'd seriously gone on a date with her I’d be pouring laxatives into your drinks right now.”

Max laughed. “I think she likes you too. You should ask her out.”

“Already did,” Michael boasted.

“Oh, that was quick.”

“Yeah, I’m not a fucking pussy, Max,” Michael told him. “You should try it sometime.”

“Fuck off,” Max said, giving him a light punch in the arm, but he was grinning. Nothing was going to get him down tonight, nothing. Not when he had finally had Liz Parker. Then, his patience gone, he turned back to the bar, angry at the bartender who was keeping him from going back to the table where Liz was waiting. “Dude, she's just looking for free drinks. Come and serve your paying customers.”

The bartender shot Max a filthy look but he tore himself away from the hot chick and came up to them.

Three minutes later the guys were back at the table, drinks in hand.

“Have you finished talking about us yet?” Michael asked before he sat down.

“Of course not, that was just the appetizer. We'll get together tomorrow and really dissect you in detail,” Maria said. She patted the seat beside her and he slid in, this time he put his arm around her shoulder and pulled her close to him. She smiled happily at him. Max and Liz were actually nuzzling each other.

Michael shook his head in disgust. “I've created a monster.”

“I think they're cute,” Maria said. But after a minute of watching them, she leaned over and tapped Liz's arm to break them apart before they started licking each other. “Please, not in front of Michael. He's very impressionable.”

Max snorted. “Very fucking impressionable.”

Michael grinned. “I'm as innocent as a baby in a crib.”

“You're as cute as one too,” Maria said, smushing his cheeks.

“Get a room,” Max teased.

Michael wiggled his eyebrows at Maria.

She shook her head. Reluctantly.

Something in Liz snapped then. She pushed Max out of the booth and followed after him. “We're going to go now. I’ll see you tomorrow, Maria.”

“Finally,” Michael said. “And there goes the longest case of blue balls in history.”

Max flipped him off just before Liz hauled him out the door of the bar.

“They are going to have the world's densest children,” Maria sighed.

“Ours are going to be the hottest,” Michael said as his lips descended on hers.

Thank you all for your support. We’ve really had fun working on this together and I know that BB has really enjoyed working with me, because I am fucking delightful. Neither of us has ever co-written before, and it was a nice way to pop both our cherries. All good things must come to an end, but we thought we’d give you a taste of what life is like for them as couples. I know that I hate stories that end just when the two characters get together. Shit sucks.
Thank you for all your feedback and if you didn’t like it, direct your anger towards BB. All praise is to be directed towards Alison. We feel that that’s fairly equitable split of emotions (or at least I do).

Behrlyliz
Ellie
Roswell_Dreamer
Novy
Natalie36
Sarammlover
Ginger
Keepsmiling7
Eve
“New rule!” yelled Liz over the top of everyone as she fanned her face. “Strip twister is never allowed to be played ever again. Michael’s ass was in my face and I’m pretty sure he farted.”

“That was the wind of victory, Liz!” crowed Michael, who was now standing in his underwear on top of his coffee table. He had clearly reached his limit seven drinks ago, but he wasn’t about to let that stop him.

“Here you are, good sir,” said Max very seriously as he handed him a plastic drinking cup. “Your trophy for winning strip twister. Also, never fart in my girlfriend’s face ever again.”

“I can make no such promise!” announced Michael dramatically, thrusting his trophy up into the air so hard that he hit the overhead fan. “Ouch. I would like to take this opportunity to thank my parents for providing me with grace and balance, otherwise I’d never have won.”

Max shook his head, staring at the crumpled makeshift trophy that was now lying on the floor. Grace was not a skill that Michael Guerin had or would ever acquire.

Michael then pointed to Liz as he continued his speech. “I’d also like to thank Liz for being a great competitor. You really inspired my bowels to get moving. I’d also like to thank my boxers for not blocking any of that delightful stench.”

“Are you done?” yelled Maria, letting out a boo.

Michael grinned at her. “I’d also like to take this moment to thank my ever supportive girlfriend. Without your godawful bean creation, I’d never have mustered up that much wind. This goes out to you, Maria.”

“You said you loved my bean dip,” pouted Maria as he jumped awkwardly off of the coffee table.

“I do,” backtracked Michael, noting in his drunken stupor that he may have said the wrong thing there. “There’s nothing I like more than mushy beans and asparagus.”

“Go put some pants on,” scowled Maria, shoving him towards his discarded clothes.

“I’d like to… I’d like to say something,” Max began, waiting for silence. The others looked at him expectantly, noting the serious look on his face as he reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper. “That I’ve prepared. Tonight.”

As Max unfolded the piece of paper, the three others traded confused and bemused glances. “Hello. How ‘bout that ride in? I guess that’s why they call it Sin City.”

Max paused as Michael burst into hysterical laughter. Maria and Liz however, remained confused.

Unfazed by the raucous laughter from Michael, Max carried on. “You guys might not know this, but I consider myself a bit of a loner.”

Max paused and looked up from the piece of paper he held in his hands, noting the confused look on Liz’s face and her querying silent ‘What?’ that she mouthed at him.

“I tend to think of myself as a one man wolf pack,” Max continued, finally alerting the girls to what was going on.

“Oh my god,” cried Liz through her laughter, her hand covering her face as Max carried on over the top of their combined laughter.

“But when my sister brought Michael home, I knew he was one of my own. And my wolf pack… it grew by one. So there were two of us in the wolf pack. I was alone first in the pack and then Michael joined in later.”

Max paused to let Michael punch his fist in the air and let out a howl.

“And six months ago when Michael introduced me to you guys, I thought, ‘Wait a second, could it be?’ And now I know for sure, I just added two more guys to my wolf pack. Four of us wolves, running around the desert together in Las Vegas looking for strippers and cocaine. So tonight, I make a toast,” Much to Liz’s relief, Max grabbed his glass and held it high as opposed to brandishing a switch blade. “Blood brothers.”

Liz shook with repressed laughter as both Max and Michael collapsed into one another laughing hysterically, fuelled by their drunkenness and their love of The Hangover.

“Did you seriously write down that whole speech?” Liz asked, confiscating the crumpled piece of paper from Max’s loose grasp as Michael and Max continued to wail with laughter.

“Did he?” enquired Maria, chuckling into her glass despite herself.

Liz shook her head, holding up the piece of paper to Maria for inspection. “It’s a memo from our boss. I don’t know what would have been sadder, the fact that he memorised the entire speech, or that he would copy down the whole speech just to recite it here tonight. Probably the latter, but still, he’s a major fucking dork.”

“That he is, girlfriend.”

“But he’s my major fucking dork,” she sighed.

“What’s the memo about?” Maria enquired, looking over Liz’s shoulder.

“It’s about not wasting company resources by conducting pointless experiments. Max said he was going to frame it. He’s never felt so important in all his life.”

Maria snorted. “The man spends his time memorising speeches from movies and blowing shit up for no reason. You’ve picked yourself an excellent manchild there, Liz.”

“Let’s not forget that he loves me senseless every chance he gets,” Liz reminded her. “AND, he doesn’t play dungeons and dragons. So… success?”

Maria ruffled Liz’s hair affectionately. “Get you some of that nerd sausage, Liz.”

“We’re making up for lost time,” smiled Liz goofily. “In his bed, in the shower, on the kitchen bench, in the supply closet at work, on Michael’s desk…”

Liz trailed off when she noticed Maria’s wide eyed, horrified gaze. “Oops, said too much.”

“You are so lucky Michael didn’t hear that,” Maria giggled, trying desperately to keep her laughter under control and out of earshot of the boys who were now quoting Don Hertzfeldt’s Rejected to one another. She rolled her eyes as Michael proclaimed loudly in a high pitched voice that he was a banana.

Liz shook her head as Max equally as stupidly announced that angry ticks were firing out of his nipples. “He’s too busy being a major fucking dork with my major fucking dork.”

Maria turned and surveyed her man, taking in the tight behind, solid chest and sexy back. She flushed when Michael caught her eye and winked at her. He was just too sexy.

“We did good, kiddo,” Maria proclaimed, slinging her arm around Liz affectionately. “Just think, if you and Max had got together earlier on, Michael and I would never have hooked up.”

“You probably would have!” exclaimed Liz indignantly. “We would have invited you over for dinner parties and stuff.”

Maria snorted. “Liz, I love that man like I’ve never loved anyone, but you and I both know that you’d never present him in public.”

Liz cast a sidelong glance at her friend. “This is true. I suppose it really was all for the best that we waited so long.”

“And don’t you appreciate it more now that you have?” Maria asked, slugging her best friend on the shoulder and not caring that it caused the aforementioned best friend to spill her drink on the carpet.

Liz shrugged, “I guess I would have spent less of the first week of us being together pinching myself. I’m just glad we didn’t take any longer to hook up, missing out on sexy times with Max should be outlawed.”

“Is that so?” enquired Maria, raising an eyebrow.

“Oh it’s definitely so,” Liz giggled with a wink.

“I think that might be up for debate. One things for sure though,” announced Maria, topping up Liz’s wine glass.

“What’s that?” Liz asked curiously.

Maria smirked at her. “We are never going on a double date EVER again.”

“Amen,” agreed Liz clinking her glass with Maria’s in complete agreement.