Roswell Fanatics

Author: Kapone224
Email: scoobie224@hotmail.com
Distribution: Please ask me first
Disclaimer: Don't own a thing but my thoughts
Rating: ADULT
Summary: It's Zan and Liz, and that's all I have to say about that.

The first 20 parts of the story can be found here:

http://www.roswellfanatics.net/archive/ ... /3702.html

(thanks to TatiLoca for locating the link for me) The sickness continues!! Enjoy, Kim

Part 21
Xavier's POV

"Liz?"
"Hmm?"
"Is everything okay?" I ask as we lay in the darkness.
"Yeah, why do you ask?"
"You were really quiet during dinner, and you just seem…I don't know, preoccupied, I guess."
"Oh," she whispers from her side of the bed.
"Is this about what happened the other night?"

When she doesn't answer me, I take a chance and roll her over so she is facing me. Liz doesn't even say anything, instead the crocodile tears filling her eyes spill over and that pretty much says everything.

"Oh sweetheart, come here," I soothe as I gather her in my arms. She's a little resistant at first, but eventually she succumbs to my embrace.
"You hurt me," she mumbles into my chest.
"I asked you if you wanted me to stop, and you said no, Liz. Besides, both you and I knew that it was going---"
"It was my first time, Xavier," she states quietly. "You knew it was my first time, and still you left me in this bed to go eat and watch Sports Center. Do you have any idea how that made me feel? Do you even care? I mean, did it ever cross your mind that…"

How I wish she would shut up with the whining and nagging already. It seems like every time we talk or do anything, we end having therapy sessions about her, or how she feels, or her feelings. I know that all couples go through this, but good God, when is it going to end? It's not that I haven't been patient with her, because I know have. I waited almost two years to have sex with her and this is what I get? If I would have known that she was going to act this way then I would have never taken her virginity, because the chastising I'm getting right now is so not worth it. It's not like I didn't warn her that me taking her virginity was going to change everything, because I did. It's not my fault that she didn't listen to me. I tried to make it good for her, I tried to give her the sun, moon and the stars; I don't understand what else she couldn't have wanted from me. I think the thing that's puzzling me so much about her little tirade is the fact that she seems to be most angry with me for not sticking around afterwards. Why should I be penalized because I don't want to lay around after the fact all hot and sticky from our previous actions? I mean, damn, is it a crime that I don't like to cuddle? If you ask me, I should be the one that's complaining. Think about it, I'm the one that put in all the effort and did all the work while she just lay there and got turned out. So what if I wanted to make myself a sandwich and watch the highlights of the game after I was finished. Did she think that she was the only one that was supposed to get something out of this experience?

"Do you know how long I waited for that moment, Xavier, only to have it ruined by the fact that you…"

Never in my life have I ever wanted to tell someone to shut up as much as I do at this very moment, but I'm not going to. No, no, no. I'm staring down at the petite bundle of perfection in my arms, and she's pouring out her heart to me, and just like that, all the contempt and anger and annoyance that I was feeling for her has dissipated into thin air. The more I look at her, the more I realize that the reason I can't just disregard her feelings is because…I love her. I mean, I really do. There have been other women in my life, but never, NEVER, have they even come close to making me feel the way Liz does. Sure she's a crybaby and she tends to complain a lot, but it's like I tell everyone: you've got to take the good with the bad. There's no way in hell that I would ever intentionally give up a woman that was as beautiful as Liz, or cooks like she does, or goes out of her way to please me the way she does. I would have to be out of my mind to do something as crazy as that.

"…and I just don't know," she finally finishes. Liz looks up at me with those big doe eyes and for a moment I think she's going to start crying again. "What do you think?"

"I think that you are absolutely right, and I am so sorry for putting you through that. I was stupid not to realize how much that night really meant to you, and if it takes the rest of my life, I swear I'll make it up to you, Liz. I swear," I whisper as I kiss her forehead.
"But Xavier--"
"I was such an ass before, and I'm so sorry that I ever took you for granted," I murmur as I begin to kiss along her jaw line and stroke her arms. My fingers have found the spaghetti straps of her gown and are slowly pushing them down. Before long her nightclothes are resting around her waist and I have begun my assault on the upper half of her body. "I know I messed up before, but please let me make this right. All I want to do is make you happy, Liz. Please, baby, let me make you happy."
"You do make me happy, Xavier," she says and suddenly her breath hitches in her throat. "It's just that--"
"I love you so much, Liz. I just want to make things better for you, better for us. I can't imagine how much I hurt you, but please just let me make it right, Liz. I just want to take the hurt away, I want to make you feel good…"

Here's to hoping that Liz will be crying for the right reasons this time around.
***********
Maria's POV

"So he apologized?"

We're sitting in my kitchen eating lunch and unfortunately Liz is telling me all about her latest adventures with the gag worthy boy toy. The mere thought of him makes me want to kill.

"Yep."
"And exactly what did he say to convince you that his sorry ass was worthy of another chance?"
"Maria."
"Don't Maria me, I want to know what he said," I state firmly as I shake my head at my best friend. "Well?"
"Well…" Liz looks down at her sandwich as if to gather her thoughts. "I told him how I was feeling about the whole situation and how hurt I was when he left me in bed alone, and pretty much he just…"
"He agreed with everything you had to say, didn't he?" I ask and she bows her head.
"Yeah," she whispers softly.
"Oh and let me guess: you guys had sex too, right?"
"Maria."
"Did you or did you not have sex with Xavier, Liz? Yes or no?"
"We did, but it wasn't like before. This time it was special and right and…"

It's all I can do not to let my head fall into the bowl of soup that is sitting in front of me. I would have never guessed in a million years that my best friend would be this naïve, but I guess we're all naïve when it happens to us. If I could, I would protect Liz from this asshole, but I can't because she thinks that she's in love with him and doesn't see the obvious threat that's staring her in the face. This is something that every woman must go through, but I just can't stand to see my friend being this stupid.

"Liz," I start carefully once she finishes about how "special" her makeup session with Xavier was. "I want you to listen to me very carefully, okay? You're not going to like what I have to say, but as your best friend it's my duty to tell you when you're being…stupid."
"Stupid, Maria? Are you calling me stupid?" she inquires with a tremor of anger in her voice.
"No, Liz. You're just…so in love that you can't see your nose even though it's plain as day on your face," I state carefully.
"What the hell are you talking about? What is all this mumbling about noses and faces?"
"Sit down, Liz. I want to explain something to you." She walks over to my couch and gives me a wary glance, but takes a seat nonetheless. I sit next to her and take a deep breath before I begin. For some strange reason, I get the impression that this is going to be harder than I originally thought.

"The whole sex thing between men and women is nothing but a game, and right now Xavier is the one with the power. To put things as simply as possible…Xavier used his dick as an apology and you got played. Now I know that you think--"
"You don't know what I think, because you are as crazy as a betsy bug!" Liz shouts at me while jumping to her feet. "How could you say something like that to me, especially since you are supposed to be my friend?"
"If I wasn't your friend I wouldn't tell you this!" I counter. "I know you love him, but I'm telling you that he is bad news! Any man that would use sex to get you where he wants you is not worth your time, and I'm telling you that that's exactly what Xavier did."
"You don't know what you're talking about!"
"It's happened to the best of us, Liz. I'm living proof of that."
"Well just because it happened with you doesn't mean that it's going to happen to me."
"Liz--"
"God, I can't believe you, Maria," she continues. "Of all the people in the world, I never thought that you would be the one that was jealous of my relationship."
"And exactly what is it that I have to be jealous of, Liz? You think I'm jealous because I don't have a man to fuck me back into happiness when he messes up or hurts my feelings? Or am I jealous because I don't have a man to put me under his thumb and keep me in check when I have a legitimate reason to be angry with him? Is that it? Is that why I'm jealous, Liz?" I yell at my best friend.

Liz doesn't even speak to me as she collects her purse and jacket. Instead she walks to the door and attempts to let herself out.

"Liz--"
"Don't say anything else, Maria. I think we've both said enough for one afternoon." Her back is facing me and her hand is gripping the doorknob.
"I just don't want you to end up getting hurt. Can't you understand that?"
"It's too late for that."

And with that, she's gone.

Before we begin, I just want to thank you guys so much for all the feedback and the bumpies (Cinder, you are a God send!). It's been a long hectic journey for me as far as real life is concerned for the past two months, but I can gurantee that slowly but surely I'm making my way back to the world of fanfiction. If this part isn't up to par, I apologize. Give me a couple of parts and I'll be back into the swing of things. With all that being said, let's begin shall we? Love you guys, Kim

Part 22
Zan's POV

*4 Months Later*

"So what will you all be having tonight?"
"I'll have pineapple juice with Malibu."
"Pink panties, please."
"A shot of Patron and a Heineken. Oh, and can we have three waters too? Thanks," I smile up at our waitress as she takes our orders.

It seems like forever since Maria, Michael and I have all gone out and just hung out like the twenty somethings that we are. Maybe it's because it has been forever. Between Michael's job at the hospital, Maria running the boutique, and my moping/creating art, none of us have really had the time to do anything except go to our respective homes and collapse. I don't…it's just that…I'm just sick and tired of being sick and tired, ya know? I'm tired of coming home from the gallery night after night, moping and feeling sorry for myself. This whole thing with Liz has gotten way out of hand, and I need to start taking some kind of control if things are ever going to be okay with me again. I hate to admit it, but the reason why I don't see my friends anymore is mainly because for the past eight or nine months I have been petrified that in hanging out with them, I might see Liz. This may seem ridiculous, but in a way it was almost as if Maria and Michael stopped being my friends and were solely hers. Though I miss Liz and want her back more than words could ever describe, I need to stop being so delusional and begin to live again. I refuse to let the fact that I pushed away the only woman that truly loved me drive me insane. If it's meant for us to be together, then it will happen. Until then…life goes on, I guess.

"Did I just hear you order pink panties? What the hell is that?" Michael inquires of Maria with a smirk on his face.
"Will you tell your friend to leave me alone?" Maria smiles at me as she pokes Michael in the ribs. "You know good and damn well what pink panties are, me and Liz…get them every time we go out," she finishes slowly while lowering her gaze to the table. "Sorry, Zan."
"What's there to be sorry about Maria? You didn't do anything wrong," I state calmly although my heart is beating like a jackhammer inside my chest at the mere mention of Liz's name. "You don't have to tiptoe around me when it comes to Liz, Maria. I'm a big boy."
"And when did this shocking development occur? Did you finally have a breakthrough in therapy?" Michael asks while munching on chips and salsa.
"Therapy? You're in therapy, Zan? When? How long?" Maria gasps with wide eyes.

Note to self: kick Michael in his ass for being a blabbermouth.

"I'm not in therapy, Maria, but I was," I answer softly as I cast my eyes off to the side. "For almost a year."
"Wow, my girl really put it on you, didn't she?"
"You could say that," I reply lightly.
"So how are you doing now? Is everything okay? They didn't have to do shock therapy or anything…did they?"
"No shock therapy…even though there were days where I thought that might be the most logical step," Michael chides and winks at Maria.
"Michael, shut your mouth, I'm being serious here," she frowns as she swats at him. Maria then turns her attention to me. "Really, is everything okay, Zan?"

Funny, I ask myself that same question everyday.

"I'm fine, Maria. Really," I reassure her when she raises her eyebrow at me in disbelief. "It took a long time, but I've finally reached the point where it's okay that Liz and I aren't together. I don't want things to be that way, but I now realize that I'm pretty much to blame for this mess and I'm going to have to suffer the consequences. It took thousands of dollars to come to this conclusion, of course, but I'm okay," I chuckle.
"Do you miss her, Zan? Do you still think about her?" Maria inquires softly.
"Every day and every night," I nod affirmatively. "But I realize that it's okay to miss her. I know I didn't show it very well, but I did love her…I still do. If I had but one wish in this world, it would be to tell her how much I love her and miss having her in my life. I know that she had a very limited place in my life and that's my fault, but still it was something, and something is always better than nothing. Liz…she needs to be happy, and at the time I just couldn't do that for her. I wish I could have, but I…"

I suddenly stop mid sentence, glance around the table at Michael and Maria's amazed faces…and at this very moment realize what a pathetic dork I sound like. Shaking my head, I decide to put a stop to the nonsense.

"You know what? Talking about Liz and whining about our situation is not going to make her come back to me any quicker. I just want to have fun tonight, catch up with you guys and see how your lives have been. Tonight is not about me; it's about all of us and how we've been doing in our busy day to day situations, okay? No more talk about Liz," I state firmly as I take a sip of my drink.

"How about if you talk to her?" Michael asks.
"What?"
"She's sitting right over there," Maria supplies and jerks her head in Liz's direction.

My eyes follow the trail that Maria's head has made, and sure as the day is long, Liz is sitting about 20 feet away from us, with Xavier no less. He's sitting there chattering like a monkey about God knows what…and would you look at this? Liz is looking so bored that she appears almost ready to stab herself in the hand with her steak knife. She shouldn't have to endure that type of torture, nooooo. I should be the one sitting with her, asking her how her day was, making her laugh and smile, making her feel like she could hardly contain herself when she was around me. It should be me touching her petal soft face and kissing her creamy porcelain hands and caressing her…

"Go over there, you know you want to," Michael states interrupting my thoughts…and not a moment too soon.
"I'm fine right where I am," I state coolly while still looking at her.
"Okay, well if you won't, then I will," Maria interjects and proceeds to sashay away from the table. I'm about to protest when I look over at Michael…well looky what we have here.

Michael's eyes have completely glazed over and he is staring after Maria as if she were his last meal. I don't think he even knows it, but he has this little dorky smile playing at the corners of his lips and he has all but sighed. Oh, this is going to be so fun.

"You alright, Mike?"
"Huh? Yeah, man. Why do you ask?" He still hasn't taken his eyes off Maria's retreating figure. Hold on, is that a twinkle I see in his eye?
"You're drooling."
"Yeah…wait, what? I am not!" he cries as he swipes guiltily at his mouth.
"So how long?"
"How long what?"
"How long have you had this thing for Maria?"
"I have no clue what you're talking about," Michael replies nonchalantly, but his eyes totally betray him as he glances away nervously.
"I think you do."
"I'm telling you I don't know what you're talking about."
"If you don't know what I'm talking about then why have you been staring after her like a lost puppy ever since she left the table?" I counter.
"I'm not staring at her like a lost puppy…it's more like a person who is gazing at a lovely sunset," he winks at me and then downs the rest of his drink.

Well I'll be damned.

"Okay, so back to the original question: how long?"
"Ever since Marco."
"Marco was 3 years ago."
"I know."
"Three years and you didn't think to say anything?"
"I had other things to think about."
"Such as?" I gesture with my hands.
"Liz."

And there you have it. There is the one word that is the key to my existence and my Achilles' heel. There is the one word that is enough to breathe new life into me yet make my heart stop.

"Liz was going through some rough stuff for a while, and I think we all know why," Michael states and raises his eyebrow at me. "There were a lot of nights where she would come over and I would have to convince her that nothing was wrong with her, that she was perfectly fine the way she was and that you were the fool for not seeing it. There were a lot of tears, a lot of tissue, a lot of ice cream eating. I can remember vividly at least 8 nights where we didn't sleep, but instead stayed up all night long trying to flush out the situation to see exactly what the problem was and how she could fix it. Many a day of work was missed on both our parts, Zan."
"She had Maria, though, right? You didn't have to give up dating to--"
"What woman in her right mind would let her man go to his attractive female friend's house and stay there all night long and halfway through the next day? What woman would tolerate her man getting phone calls at two in the morning that lasted until the sun came up? Zan, tell me what woman you know that be okay with being stood up or having dates broken repeatedly just so her man could go comfort his friend?" When I remain silent, Michael nods. "That's what I thought. It just wouldn't have worked out. Besides, it was more important for me to be there for Liz than be out spending money on some woman I hardly knew."

I knew I was an ass, but it's not until this moment that I truly realize how my bullshit decisions have not only screwed up my life, but the lives of my friends as well. I'm looking at Michael and all I can see are all the years that he has made personal sacrifices and gave up love all to protect a friend from her biggest heartbreak: me.

"Michael, I am so sorry. I had no idea."
"Of course you didn't, because if you did, you wouldn't have pulled half the shit you did." He sighs and signals for the waitress to bring us another round of drinks. "Look at it this way: if none of this had happened, I wouldn't know how wonderful Maria is. Because of you, I got to spend a lot of time with her and really get to know her. I can't say that any of that would have happened if you weren't such a dick. Hell, I have a good mind to thank you."
"Thank me?"
"Yes, shocking isn't it?" Michael snorts as our waitress sits our round of drinks on the table.

"So I have to ask: are you in love with her?"
"I wouldn't say all that, but I am definitely interested."
"Three years is a long time to be interested, Mike." To this statement, he dips his head towards the table with that same dorky smile on his lips. "Come on, man. This is me you're talking to, you can tell me."

When Michael dares to raise his head, he has that look written all over his face. You know the one I'm talking about, the look. Oh yeah, he's as smitten as they come.

"So what do I do?"
"I am the wrong person to be asking that question, my friend," I answer shaking my head.
"Au contraire, you are the perfect person to ask."
"And what makes you think this? Have you so quickly forgotten my track record with the ladies?"
"So you mean to tell me that life experience and the time you spent in therapy have taught you nothing? I figure that if you can't tell me what to do, then you could at least tell me what not to do," he states as he picks up another chip loaded with salsa.

He does have a point there.

"You sure you want this advice? You're talking to a man whose own mother called him an asshole and threatened to cut off his pinga."
"Fire away," he chuckles. I glance around the bar and sigh.

"Alright then. If you feel something for her, don't hold it in, tell her. Even if she doesn't feel the same way, at least it will be out in the open. If all systems are go and she feels the same way, do not, I repeat, do not use the way she feels about you as some sort of leverage against her, because contrary to popular belief love is not a game. People's emotions are involved here and toying with them is a big no no. Also, should you ever stop feeling 'that' way about Maria, don't stay in the situation just to make her happy. In the long run, all it's going to do is fuck you both up. Take it from someone who has been there and done that, you don't want that shit to happen," I finish and take a swig of my drink.

Funny how I can give good advice, but wouldn't be able to use it for myself if my life depended on it.

"That was deep, man."
"It was, huh?" I agree and suddenly we both burst out laughing.
"And just what is so funny?"

I know that voice, I would know it even if I couldn't remember my own name.

"Hi, Zan," Liz whispers shyly. She's standing to my left twirling a strand of that gorgeous chocolate hair around her fingers with that cute smile dancing on her lips, and it's all I can do not to drag her into my arms and attack her with kisses.
"Hey yourself," I smile at her. "You want to sit down?"
"No, I was just coming over to say hi. So how have you been? I hear that the gallery is doing really well."
"Things at the gallery are going pretty good, but they could always be better. There's this guy that I want to--"

"Uh, hello? Is Zan the only person you came over here to talk to? I do believe that there are other people sitting at the table," Michael cuts in and begins waving his hands in the air. "Am I not a voice in this world?"
"Aww, mama's baby is feeling neglected even though I just talked to him earlier today for two hours," Liz giggles as she runs to his side of table to give him a hug.
"That's what I'm talking about," he states as he grabs her up for a bear hug and begins to laugh himself. He then turns his head just enough so I can see him wink at me. Bastard.

I look over at Maria who has resumed sitting and is now looking at me with a curious smile on her face. Payback is a bitch.

"Hey Maria, Michael has something he wants to tell you," I say suddenly and chance a glance at him. Just as I predicted, all the color has drained from his face and he's looking like someone just punched him in the stomach. Maria has turned around expectantly in her chair and Liz is now staring at him, too. This should be good.
"What is it, Michael?"
"I, um, I…uh--"
"What's wrong, Mikey boy? Cat got your tongue?" I ask innocently while trying not internally combust. "Just tell her what happened while she was over at Liz's table."
"Oh shit! Guys, I gotta go," Liz interjects and she steps away from Michael.
"But why? You just got here," Maria pouts.
"I know, but Xavier…I think my food is ready."

I turn in my seat towards Liz's table only to be greeted by the death rays that Xavier is giving all of us. The way he's clutching that knife in his hand…I wouldn't be surprised if he was planning some sly way to come over here and stab us all.

"It's okay, we'll talk later," Michael replies. "Go enjoy your dinner."
"Yeah, okay," she answers but never moves…not that I want her to. After a couple of seconds of idling, Liz's feet finally begin to work. "I'll see you guys later."

It took Liz all of five seconds to get from our table to hers, and when she sat down…let's just say that Xavier wasn't the happiest man around.

"Do you guys see that shit?!?" Maria exclaims as we watch the argument in process.
"Unfortunately, yes."
"Where the hell does he get off? I mean, what gives him the right? She did have friends before his ass came around."
"Maria, she's a big girl. She can handle it," Michael states softly as he puts his hand on her arm.
"I'm not saying she can't, as a matter of fact--" Maria suddenly looks at me.

"Zan."
"Yeah?"
"I have something I need to tell you."
"What's up?"

Maria's eyes dart from me to Michael, over to Liz's table, and back to me again. She takes a deep breath and sighs.

"Nevermind," she replies as she drains the rest of her drink and then exits the table.

"Okay, what the hell was that about?" Michael asks me as his eyebrows knit in confusion.

Wouldn't I like to know.

Enjoy!

Kim

Part 23
Liz’s POV

I wonder what Zan is doing right now.

Okay, where the hell did that thought just come from? It seems like forever since my mind has drifted in that direction. Maybe I’m thinking about him because I saw him not too long ago. Yeah, that could be it.

Sigh.

As I sit at my desk and twirl my pen around between my fingers absentmindedly, I can’t help but to think about seeing everyone at the bar. It reminds me of the times that all of us would go out and just act crazy. Food fights, karaoke, the drinking games. You name it, we did it. I’ll never forget the night that Alex, Maria, and Michael forced Zan and I to sing “I Got You Babe” by Sonny and Cher. Maybe it’s the fact that I was Sonny and Zan was Cher that makes that night so unforgettable. Things were so simple back then, I wish I could go back to that.

“Liz?” Sasha’s voice suddenly rings out through the intercom shaking me from my private reverie.
“Yes?”
“There’s someone named Dr. Munroe on line one for you.”
“Thanks Sasha, patch her through, please,” I reply. Curiosity creeps over me as I wonder what my long time doctor and friend could possibly be calling me for.

“Hello?”
“Hey Doc, what’s shaking?”
“Liz, how are you?” she greets me.
“Fine and you?”
“Great.”

Silence.

“So, to what do I owe the honor of this phone call? I’m not dying, am I?” I try to joke, but when Dr. Munroe takes her time laughing I am instantly frightened.
“No you’re not dying, Liz, but I do need you to come by my office sometime this afternoon. I know you’re busy, but do you think that you might be able to block off some time so we can talk?”
“Sure. Is everything alright?”

Once again, I am met with silence.

“I just have something that I need to discuss with you in person.”
“Okay, well I guess I’ll see you later then.”
“Sounds like a plan. I’ll see you when you get here.”

“Sasha, how many appointments do I have today?” I ask through the intercom. It’s been a couple of minutes since Dr. Munroe hung up the phone, and I still find myself pondering over what she could possibly need to see me for.
“Let me see,” she murmurs as she flips through the pages of my appointment book. “You have a 10, 12, 1:30 and a 2:15. Did you need me to block off some more time for you?”
“No, but I’ll be leaving for the day after my 2:15. Thank you.”

I glance at the clock on the wall and see that it’s… 9:45. My first appointment is in 15 minutes, but the only thing I can focus on is the cryptic conversation that I just had with my gynecologist, and even then I’m not exactly sure what I should be focusing on. I mean, she didn’t say anything bad, I’m sure that if it had been something life threatening that she would have just come out and told me what the problem was. But then again, how many doctors call their patients first thing in the morning and ask them to come in to discuss test results if it isn’t something bad? When my eyes fall on the clock again, I see that it’s only 9:46. I quickly make a decision and buzz Sasha through the intercom once more.

“Yes Liz?”
“I need you to clear my schedule for the rest of the day. When Mr. Baker gets here, apologize for me and tell him that I had an emergency and then reschedule his appointment to my next free time slot.”
“Okay.” Pause. “Liz, is everything okay?”

That remains to be seen.

“Everything is right as rain, Sasha. Nothing to worry about,” I say more to myself than to her.
***************************
“So what’s up,” I state casually as I sit down in one of the oversized leather chairs in my doctor’s office even though I am not feeling the least bit casual or at ease. The look on Dr. Munroe’s face is not helping my condition, either.
“I have the results from the tests that we ran last week. Some of them came back abnormal.”

Abnormal. That is the one word that every woman no matter how young or old dreads hearing when she is in her doctor’s office. Abnormal could mean anything from cysts to ovarian cancer. A ball of pure ice has dropped into my stomach, and all the blood has drained from my face and hands. What if I have cancer? What if I’m infertile? What if—

“Which tests? Am I going to be okay? Just tell me because I swear I think I’m going—“
“You have gonorrhea.”

And immediately my rambling has been silenced. Did she just say what I think she just said?

“Excuse me?”
“I know it’s a shock; hell, I’m still in shock just telling you this.”
“Are you sure?”
“I made the lab test your specimen two times. Both tests came back positive,” she replies as she lowers her eyes to her desk.
“But I don’t have any symptoms. Shouldn’t there be some kind of bumps or rash down there if I have it? This has got to be some kind of mistake,” I plead with her as tears stream down my face.

This is not right, it can’t be right. I’m Elizabeth Parker, daughter of Jeff and Nancy, high school valedictorian. I graduated within the top three percent of my college class, and hold a Juris Doctorate degree from the University of Southern California. This type of shit just does not happen to me. STDs are for those who carelessly have sex with random people, not someone as smart and educated as myself. Somebody in that lab made a mistake, I don’t have gonorrhea. I can’t have it.

“I do want you to know that you are one of the lucky ones, Liz,” Dr. Munroe states.
“How am I lucky?” I counter angrily. “You just told me that I have gonorrhea!”
“I could have told you that you were HIV Positive or had AIDS,” she whispers softly.

And suddenly everything is put into perspective and the severity of the situation hits me like a ton of bricks. Though I would like to do nothing more than run away and hide, I must face the facts: I have a disease in my body, and though it is bad, things could always be worse. I could be dying a slow, tortuous death full of loneliness, prescription drugs, and pain, but I’m not. I could have the arduous task of telling my family that I made a choice that is going to eventually lead to my death, but I don’t. I have something that can be cured, something that can be exorcised from my being. At this moment I am feeling above all unclean and ashamed, but I do have the chance to do something about it. Dr. Munroe is right, I am lucky.

“So what do I do now? Shots, antibiotics?” I inquire as I wipe my face.
“We can start treatment immediately with antibiotics.”
“Okay. Is that it?”
“For the most part yes, but there was something else that I wanted to talk to you about.” She pauses and then comes around to the front of her desk where she takes a seat. “I know you may feel dirty…angry…scared…ashamed, even, like this is solely your fault, but I want you to know that these types of things happen to the best of us, Liz. Take it from someone who knows first hand.” When I look up at her in shock, she nods her confirmation of my thoughts. “You’re not the first woman to contract gonorrhea, and you certainly won’t be the last. You may have some things to decide on an emotional level, but I promise you that I will do whatever I can to get you back to normal physically as soon as possible. I’m here for you if you ever need to talk, okay?”
“Thank you so much,” I whisper as I hug her. “For everything.”

After I blow my nose for what feels like the hundredth time, I gather my belongings and head to my car where I call Sasha and inform her that I will not be in the office for the remainder of the week. Once I pull into my driveway, it’s all I can do not to collapse on my walkway from the mental fatigue that I feel. Somehow I am able to make it to my shower where I turn on the water as hot as I possibly can and succumb to the temptation to cry.

Thoughts of all the safe sex videos I was forced to watch from the time I was in 6th grade up until my sophomore year in college continue to bombard me as the scorching hot water burns and pounds into my skin. Though I am still somewhat in denial at my condition, I would be a liar if I was to say that I knew the possibility that this could happen to me; I just never thought that I would actually be in that hated statistical group that everyone is specifically told not to end up in. I think what hurts me the most is the fact that I waited so long to make the decision to have sex, was so careful and selective of who I let touch me, and look at where it got me. I’m angry at the fact that though I’ve been standing under this scalding hot spray of water for damn near 45 minutes, I still feel dirty as hell, like there is no panacea for the mental, emotional and physical filth that I feel right now. I am pissed beyond belief that I can’t even turn to my best friend of damn near twenty years at this crucial time in my life for fear of what she might say to me or how she will perceive me from this moment forth. I am livid that when I finally did decide to give my body to someone, my trust was abused and my gift of love was exchanged for disease.

‘Damn you, Xavier!’ I think to myself. ‘For putting me in this situation, for making me trust you, for making me think that you actually loved me!’

At this moment when I think of all the choices that I’ve ever made, sleeping with Xavier is the one that I regret the most.
*****************************
“Liz?” Xavier’s voice bellows through my apartment.
“I’m in the living room,” I answer quietly. I’ve been sitting here drinking the same mug of tea for the past hour and a half, waiting for him to come home. I’m sure the tea is no longer suitable for drinking, but that is the furthest thing from my mind now. There are more important issues that need to be addressed.

“Hey you,” he smiles and tries to lean in for a kiss, but I swiftly move my head to the side so all he receives is air. “Okay, what’s wrong with you?”
“Sit down, we need to talk.” He lets out a sigh of exasperation as he sits and stares at me expectantly.
“So what’s up?”
“I had an appointment with my doctor today.”
“Oh yeah?” he asks distractedly. “How’d that go?”
“I have gonorrhea.”

This has got to be the one time that silence is not golden. Xavier’s jaw has gone slack and he’s looking rather uncomfortable, but he’s trying his damndest to keep up the façade of being indifferent. Smug bastard.

“And exactly how did this happen?” he asks as he raises his eyebrow at me.

No. He. Didn’t.

“You’re not serious, are you? Why the hell do you think I’m telling you this?” I yell at him.
“To give me a heads up or a warning. I don’t know.”
“If I didn’t get it from you, then how did I get it, Xavier?”
“Maybe you got it from a toilet seat in a public bathroom, maybe you got it from another man. Your guess is as good as mine,” he answers nonchalantly.

Before I even have a chance to think, I’ve picked up my now cold mug of tea and thrown it at him. I wish it was hot so it could burn his ass just like he burned me.

“That’s bullshit and you know it! You’re the one who gave it to me, I haven’t been with anyone else but you!”
“What about Zan?” he questions snidely.
“First of all, I have been tested many times since I was with Zan and all my tests came back negative,” I reply as I close the distance between us. “Second of all, Zan would never, never do something like this to me, because he’s too responsible for this childish bullshit and unlike you cares about me and loves me too much to infect me with something! You could take a lesson or two from him, Xavier, because at least he knows the definitions of monogamy and safe sex! You’re nothing but a man whore!” I scream as I beat against his chest.

In one swift motion, Xavier grabs me by my forearms and begins to shake the shit out of me.

“Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to, Liz?!? Who do you think you are that you can talk to me this way!” he bellows as he continues to shake me.
“Get your fucking hands off me now!” I shout and just as I begin to jerk away from him, it’s as if he comes to himself because quicker than I can blink an eye he has let go of me, and I’m flying backwards into my marble dining room table. My back instantly explodes in pain as a grunt of anger escapes from my lips.

“Oh my God, I am so sorry,” Xavier whispers as he advances towards me.
“Don’t you fucking touch me, don’t even come near me!” I shriek as I roll over and crawl away from him. When I feel him still shadowing me, I grab the crystal ashtray that has fallen from the table and throw it at him only to have it shatter against the wall. “Stay away from me!”
“Liz, I didn’t mean to—“
“I don’t give a damn what you meant to do! Leave me alone!” I cry as I continue to half crawl, half drag myself to the bedroom.

Xavier watches me in silence for a few moments as I continue to slither away from him, and then suddenly he backs off into the kitchen. It’s not until I’m closing the door to my bedroom when he reappears. I quickly shut the door and then lean my head against it.

“Can I come in?” his voice floats through the door.
“You can go to hell!”
“I brought you some tea.”
“Shove it up your ass!”

Silence.

“I’m so sorry for all this, Liz.” His broken voice is almost enough for me to open the door. Almost.
“Don’t even bother, Xavier. Sorry isn’t going to fix any of this,” I whisper sadly as tears slide down my face.
“What do you want me to say, Liz? What can I do to fix this?” he inquires softly with tears of his own filling his voice.
“Just leave me alone.”

I know it's been a long time, and I know that I told you guys a week. Shame on me for lying! LOL Seriously, I want to thank you guys for the endless bumps and for being patient with me because real life has seriously been taking a toll on me both mentally and physically. I love you guys for it.

Without any further ado, here's the next part. Let me know what you think. Kim

Part 24
Liz POV

*********
“Is this it?”
“Yeah.”
“You sure?”
“Positive.” I couldn’t forget this place if I tried.

Zan raises his hand to knock on the door, but I grab at his arm. He looks down at me with questioning eyes, and I don’t doubt that he can see the fear in them.

“Zan—”
“It’s okay, sweetheart, I’m here. Nothing will happen that we don’t want to.” After looking me over one last time and giving me a final embrace, he knocks on the door.

After an eternity the door opens and Xavier is facing us. He appears to be disheveled, almost as if he was taking a nap. His usually coiffed curls are in disarray, and the slightest five o’clock shadow has begun to form across his chin and cheeks. But it’s not his clothes or hair that catches my attention, it’s his eyes. Terror flashes through them when he sees I’m not alone, and as quickly as he’s opened the door he’s now trying to slam it in our faces and hide like the little bitch he is. I will admit that his actions were quick, but not quick enough as Zan pushes his way through the door and knocks Xavier down in the process. I follow closely behind Zan making sure I have a bird’s eye view of the scene that is about to unfold in front of me. Fucker.

I would die for you I would die for you I’ve been dying just to feel you by my side, to know that you’re mine

“So I hear you like to put your hands on women,” Zan states menacingly. “How about you try that shit with me and see where it gets you?”
“I-I do-don’t know what y-y-you’re talking ab-about,” Xavier stammers from his spot on the floor. He’s pushing himself backward as if he’s trying to escape Zan’s penetrating gaze and massive body, but for every scoot he takes back Zan just takes a step forward.

“So you don’t know what I’m talking about, huh?” Suddenly I feel Zan’s hands pull me from behind him and he positions me in front of his body. After he has buried my face in his chest and wrapped my arms around him, he gently lifts my shirt away from my back.

“Still don’t know what I’m talking about, bitch?” Zan questions Xavier as he points to the contusions on my back. I can’t see them, but I know the colors vary from fiery red to a dingy yellowish green to a sickening bluish black.

“I didn’t do that shit! She fell! Tell him how you fell against the table, Liz!” he begs as he begins to cry. For a moment I almost feel sorry for his pitiful ass.

Funny how that moment passed with the speed of light.

“Liz? Baby?”
“He did it, Zan. He’s lying,” I murmur into his chest with my eyes closed. My arms are still wrapped around him, and I feel so safe. So warm. If only I could stay like this forever.
“You little lying cunt!”

I would cry for you I would cry for you I will wash away your pain with all my tears, I’m drowning on fear

I don’t remember Zan unwrapping my arms from around him or pushing me towards the door, but it must have happened because he’s pinned Xavier to the floor and is now beating the holy hell out of him. It’s almost as if I’m in a trance as I watch Zan pummel him, but then something in Zan’s hand causes me to move forward. It’s not until I’m mere inches away that I realize what the object is: a chrome plated nine millimeter gun. Xavier’s face has been reduced to an oozing red blur, but Zan does not seem to be satisfied. Murmuring and cursing, his angry words seem to be keeping time and rhythm with every strike the gun relishes to Xavier’s face. And then it’s over.

Zan slowly stands, backing away from Xavier yet never taking his eyes from the deformed mess he has made. It is then that I think he realizes that I am still in the room because he reaches out for me, but quickly stops short when he sees the crimson thickness and flesh that mar his hands.

I will pray for you I will pray for you, I will sell my soul for something pure and true, someone like you

“Let’s go, sweetheart,” he softly calls to me and we begin to walk towards the door.

“Is that all you got?” Xavier gurgles from the floor. He’s choking on his own blood and both of his eyes have rolled up into the top of his head. He’s barely within an inch of his life and he has the nerve to still be talking shit. “I knew you were a bitch the first time I laid eyes on you. So you think you’re a big man with that gun, huh?” he wheezes. “I bet you don’t even know how to use that shit, you cocksucker!”

I will burn for you Feel pain for you I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart, and tear it apart

I should have screamed as Zan emptied the entire clip into Xavier’s head. I should have at least flinched as the blood sprayed across the walls of the apartment, Zan’s white t-shirt and my body. If my mind was functioning in the least bit I would’ve at least tried to stop Zan, but I didn’t because I’m not in my right mind, and truth be told, haven’t been for quite some time.

I will lie for you Beg and steal for you I will crawl on hands and knees until you see, you’re just like me

“Some mutha fuckas just don’t know when to stop talking shit,” I say in a voice that’s barely above a whisper. I then smile up at Zan who in turn smiles down on me, and he takes me in his arms once more.

I don’t remember leaving Xavier’s apartment. I don’t remember driving anywhere. I don’t remember police sirens. Hell, I don’t even remember checking into this hotel room or washing Xavier’s blood from our bodies, but it must have happened because here we are in our hotel suite, clean as a whistle. I walk over to the balcony and slide the glass door open. I can faintly hear the ocean rumbling below me, and when I look up I find the full silver moon shining brightly from the inky sky above. It’s not until a cool breeze drifts across my skin that I shiver and chance a look at myself. A white terry cloth towel clings to my body and realization of the situation floods my mind.

“Zan, where are you?” I cry in panic as I race back into the room.
“I’m right here,” he answers softly as he emerges from the bathroom wearing only a towel identical to mine around his waist.
“Xavier—”
“Will never hurt you again.”
“But Zan you—”
“Did what I had to do. I’d do it again if I had to.”

I would die for you I would kill for you I will steal for you I’d do time for you

“He’s dead.”

I take a couple of steps back with the intention of looking into his eyes, but I end up stumbling and falling back against the bed. The man standing in front of me is a murderer, a straight killer. Of their own volition my eyes wander down to his hands. Though they are clean now, my mind has no trouble conjuring the blood and flesh that occupied them hours ago. These are the same hands that once fashioned and created with life’s passion. These are also the hands that once touched me and made me feel like nothing in this world could ever be wrong as long as he was with me. Now these are the hands that have pillaged and destroyed with furious anger. Could I stand to have these hands ever touch me again? If I was in my right mind, I’d be looking for my clothes at this very moment so I could get the hell out of here.

That is, if I was in my right mind.

I will wait for you I’d make room for you I’d sink ships for you, Take the cross for you

“I know he’s dead.”

I don’t know if it was the way he said it or the look on his face when he confirmed Xavier’s death, but in that moment everything became okay. I should be scared, at least a little bit, but I’m not. For the first time in a long time everything is okay and even though blood has been shed, I’m okay with that because I’m safe and sound. I’m with Zan, and everything is just the way it’s supposed to be. With my eyes closed I let the situation wash over me like fresh dew that is crowning the morning dawn. When I open my eyes it’s then that I see that Zan is closer to me than he has ever been in life and he’s getting closer.

“But Liz, you and I…” Zan takes my hand and kisses it softly. “Baby, we’re alive. We are so, so alive. Can’t you feel how alive I am when I’m with you?” he whispers softly and my eyes drift closed once again.

Make me a part of you Because I believe in you I believe in you I would die for you

There are no more words spoken, no more thoughts. There is nothing else left in the here and now but us. Just Zan and I. Merging. Joining. Completing each other. Becoming one mind, one essence, one heart, one soul. He’s all around me and I can’t help but be suffocated by his love. He’s in my blood. The tips of my fingers. Dancing across my skin. Nipping at my nose. In my heart.

God, if I could just see him. If I could just look into his eyes and see the love that he has for me in them then it would all be worth it. Everything that has transpired tonight and over the past nine years would totally be worth it if I could just look into his eyes and see that love I’ve been waiting for and wanting to give him for so long. I want it so bad, need it to breathe even.

“Baby, open up your eyes for me. For us.”

And I do.

*******

And then I wake up.

Thank you for being so patient with me (real life sucks). Hope you enjoy this next part! Kim

*********

Part 25
Maria’s POV

I’m worried about Liz. She’s been at my house for the past two days, and all she does is sleep, eat a tiny bit of food and then head back to the bed. It’s not like I blame her or don’t understand; I’m just not going to excuse her newfound unhealthy habits. She’s trying to escape her life through sleep, but I’m here to tell you that’s not working.

The dreams that Liz has been having are enough to scare me in broad daylight. There was one set in the Holocaust where Xavier was a Jew and Liz was a Nazi soldier. She had him tied to an operating table and took out his spleen, gallbladder and kidneys without using anesthesia. When she was done, she led him to a gas chamber (without sewing him back up, mind you) clouded with cyanide and watched him dance around in a haze until he lost control of his bowels and finally fell to the floor, dead.

Shudder at the thought.

Then there was the dream in which Liz was the one that threw Xavier into the marble table. After she watched him slink to the floor, she then proceeded to kick and stomp him to death with Doc Marten clad feet.

Once again, shudder at the thought.

Though I think she needs to go to counseling, I would never tell her to her face. I’m supposed to be her friend, scratch that I am her friend, and telling her something like that right now might just send her over the edge. I need to be supportive, and let her explore this situation in her own time. I need…wait a second, I think I just heard her moving around. Without warning, the door to my bedroom flies open and a disheveled looking Liz walks from the bedroom to the kitchen.

“Have a good nap?” I call from the living room.
“Not really,” she replies as she paws through the fridge.
“Another dream?”
“Yeah.”
“Wanna talk about it?”
“Nope,” she answers quickly as she enters the living room with a glass of apple juice and a chocolate chip cookie.
“Is that all you’re going to eat?” I ask eyeing the meager amount of food I her hands.
“Maria, don’t start.”
“I’m not starting.”
“You’re starting.”
“Liz.”
“Maria.”
“I’m just asking you a question. I made spaghetti and that’s the only reason why I asked. Good Lord,” I cry exasperated.

See, that’s another thing. Ever since Liz’s little “incident” with Xavier, she’s totally been on the defensive. I can’t ask her anything without her jumping to the conclusion that I’m babying her or trying to control her. Damn, whatever happened to just being a good friend?

“I’ll eat a little something when—” Liz starts, but is suddenly interrupted by a knock at the door. I raise my eyebrow at her and she in return shrugs at me.

“Were you expecting someone?” I whisper.
“No one knows I’m here,” she whispers back in a small voice.

After rising from the couch, I walk slowly to the door, only stopping briefly to grab my aluminum bat from the hall closet. I look out the peephole to try and decipher who’s at the door, but all I can see is a head of hair.

“Who is it?” I yell through the door. No answer. Oh, so you wanna play around? Fine then, let’s play. I raise the bat in one hand, careful to keep my balance as is place the other hand on the doorknob.

1.

2.

3!

I swing the door open and quickly move both hands to the base of the bat. I’m about to bring the bat down over this asshole’s head when a pair of hazel eyes catch my own and suddenly stop short.

“Mar--, shit it’s me, Maria! Put the bat down, what’s wrong with you?” Michael screams as he jumps back into one of my planters.
“Mikey?”
“Oh, so you recognize me now?”
“What are you doing here?”
“What are you doing with this bat?” he fires back as he takes my weapon from me. “Can I come in or do you have more weapons that I should now about?”
“Yeah, sure. Come on in,” I answer and move out the way so he can come inside. All six feet and four inches of his muscular—

Wait a second, where did that just come from?

“Lizzikins, is that you?” Michael asks with a smile in his voice.
“Live and in the flesh, Mikey baby,” Liz whispers from the couch and a slight smile crosses her face.
“Where’s my lovin’ at? Stop acting like you aren’t happy to see me.”

Michael crosses the living room in three strides (I never noticed how long his legs were before) and before Liz has a chance to brace herself, he is snatching her off the couch and into a bear hug. Even with her face in his chest, I can hear her muffled screams all the way across the room.

Shit.

Michael POV

“Liz? What’s the matter? Did I do something wrong?” I inquire as Liz jumps out my arms and falls back onto the couch.
“No, I-I just hurt my back. Tha-That’s all,” she stammers and looks away.
“What happened? Did you pull something?”
“I fell down,” she answers quickly.

A little too quickly for my taste.

“Liz?”
“Hmm?”
“Look at me.”

Liz slowly lifts her head and I am greeted by one of the saddest sights I have ever seen. Her eyes are red rimmed and swollen, and there are heavy bluish black smudges trailing from underneath her eyes to her cheeks. The cherub like cheeks that I love pinching are now sallow and hollow, and she has remnants of crusty mucus around her nose. Liz’s usually coiffed hair has been thrown into a haphazard ponytail and she looks smaller than usual. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that something is not right with this picture.

“Liz, what happened?” I ask slowly and take a couple steps towards her.
“Nothing, I’m fine.”
“I beg to differ.”
“Hey Michael, are you hungry?” Maria calls from the doorway and begins to walk towards me. “I made spaghetti, I can heat it up if you want me to.”

I know something is up now, Maria is doing that thing where she tries to run interference for Liz. I’ve seen them play this game time and time again, but it’s not going to work with me.

“Um, no thanks, Maria.” I glance back at Liz. “Liz—”
“I’m okay, Michael. Seriously. I just had a couple of rough days at work,” she sighs.
“You sure?”
“Yes.”
“So you never did answer my questions,” Maria interjects. “What brings you here?”

I glance once again between Liz and Maria, and finally look into Maria’s emerald eyes. Here we go.

“I stopped by to see if you, um, were busy to-today,” I stutter in a low voice.

Damn it, this is not going as planned. When I rehearsed this before I left the house, I was much smoother, much more debonair than this.

“Nah, I was just hanging around the house with Liz today. Why?”
“I, us, was w-wondering if you might w-want to go get some coffee. With me,” I add hastily.
“Michael?”
“Yeah Maria?”
“Are you asking me on a date?”
“Um, yeah.”

When Maria doesn’t say anything, everything within me begins to panic. I knew I shouldn’t have come over here, damn me and my need to….just damn it. I could slap myself for the display of buffoonery I just put on.

Liz POV

Oh my God, he’s panicking. No, no, no, no, no! I’m trying to gibe him that reassuring motherly look that will let him know that everything’s okay and to just calm down, but that doesn’t seem to be working. Shit.

Michael doesn’t know it, but I’m so proud of him. He’s come so far from being the introverted boy who could only dream of being someone worthy enough to be with Maria. I remember when Michael first confessed his feelings to me about Maria and how distraught he was then.

“What if Maria says no? What do I do?”
“She’s not going to say no,” I stated calmly.
“Who am I fooling? She’ll never go out with me. What kind of fool am I? I’m lusting after someone who has no idea that I even exist,” he whined as he fell onto my couch. I raised my eyebrow at him and gave him one of the crossest looks I could manage. “Sorry Liz, I didn’t mean—”
“No offense taken. Listen to me, you need to be patient. The time will come when everything is right and you’ll just know that it’s going to work out. Just give it time, and everything will eventually fall into place.”

And you know what? He deserves to be with Maria. I have every right to be bitter and discouraged when it comes to things love related, but as hard as it may be to believe I do still believe in love, and I do think that if the right two people hook up things will work out and be perfect.

I just never guessed this would be the day things fell into place, and Maria’s apartment no less with me injured and sleep deprived on her couch.

“Why?” Maria asks softly.
“Why what?” Michael inquires.
“Why are you asking me out?”
“I’ll tell you if you say yes and come have some coffee with me,” Michael answers with a smile on his face.

At his last statement I lower my head and smile. My little boy has grown up and I have trained him well.

“I don’t know—”
“What is there not to know?” Michael buts in as he takes her hand as raises it to his lips. “It’s only coffee.” Kiss. “Say yes.” Kiss. “Please, Maria.”

Okay, where is the shy and stuttering Michael that was here only minutes ago? It seems that we’ve got a bona fide pimp in our midst.

“But what about Liz?” Maria mumbles weakly. She’s melting fast, I can tell from the way she keeps dancing in place and wilting under Michael’s smile.
“What about me?” I answer as I jump off the couch. “I was just about to go back to sleep.”
“You sure? I mean we could all—”
“NO!” I shout cutting Michael off. “Guys, I’m fine.” Both Michael and Maria raise their eyebrows at me. “I’m serious. After I get some rest, I’ll be back to normal. Besides, coffee and sleep don’t mix all that well,” I smile and wink at both of them. “Now you kids go on and have a good time.”
“Do you want me to bring you something back?”
“No, now get the hell out of here!”
“Liz, are you kicking me out of my own house?” Maria utters with a hint of disbelief in her voice.
“Yes!” I exclaim and laugh as I head back towards the bedroom. “You guys are keeping me from my rest. Shoo flies, stop bothering me.” Just then my cell phone rings. “Okay, what now?” I utter to myself as I pick it up. Michael and Maria seem to be moving towards the door, thank God.

“Hello?”
“Hi, may I speak to Liz please?”
“This is she.”
“Liz, it’s Dr. Munroe.”
“Hey doc, how’s it going?”

Pause.

“Liz, we got some more of the test results back.”
“I see.” My grip on the phone is so tight that my knuckles feel like they are about to explode from under my skin.
“You’re pregnant.”

Okay, my ears must be deceiving me because I know I didn’t hear her say what I think I heard her say.

“I’m sorry, what did you just say?”
“Liz, you’re pregnant,” Dr. Munroe repeats. “About four weeks to be exact.”
“No.”

From the corner of my eye, I see Michael and Maria cease their activities and turn their attention to me.

“I know this may come as a shock—“
“No.”
“Liz, I need you to—“
“No.”
“Listen to me for a second.”
“No.”
“I think—“
“No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no…”

I must have dropped the phone, because the next thing I hear is “Hello? This is Maria DeLuca, her best friend.” Michael has me gathered in his arms and is holding me tight.

“Shh. Everything’s going to be okay, Liz. It’s going to be alright,” he whispers in my hair and then kisses the crown of my head.
“No it’s not, Mikey,” I say as the tears begin to flow. “It’s never going to be alright ever again.”

I know it's been a long time, but I'm back and now that things have settled down some I promise to update more frequently and consistently. Scouts honor! Enjoy! Kim

Part 26

Liz’s POV

“So we’re still within the legal time frame.”
“I know. I’m ready.”
“Did you get the paperwork I sent?”
“Yeah.”
“Did you have a chance to look it over?”
“I filled it out and it’s ready to go.”
“You sure about this?”
“I’ve never been surer about anything in my life.”
“This is a big step you’re taking, Liz.”
“I know.”

I look to the right in an attempt to avoid Dr. Munroe’s questioning and my eyes land on a potted palm in the corner of the room. It wasn’t here the last time I was so it must be new. Truth be told, I just want this to be over with. Now.

“Liz—”
“This is a fairly routine procedure, right? If everything is done correctly the side effects are minimal, and the whole thing should take no longer that 30 to 45 minutes if I’m not mistaken.”
“Yes,” Dr. Munroe sighs as she wipes her face.
“Okay.”

I get the feeling I’m not her favorite patient today.

“Will someone be coming with—”
“Maria,” I answer cutting her off.
“Okay. Well do you have any questions for me?”
“Yeah. What’s the earliest that I can get this done?”

**********

Sterile. Everything is this room is absolutely, positively sterile. From the pristine white walls to the glossy freshly mopped floor of the same color. From the paper sheet covered bed to the plastic wrapped utensils that will change everything in mere minutes. I’ve just finished changing my clothes when there’s a knock on the door.

“Come in,” I call with my back still facing the door.
“How are you feeling today, Liz?” Dr. Munroe quietly asks.
“Right as rain.”
“Are you ready or do you need a couple of minutes?”
“I’m as ready as I’ll ever be,” I answer firmly with my back still facing the door.

I raise my head and peer out of the blinds in front of me. Blue skies with a sprinkling of cumulus clouds. It’s a pretty day, I bet it’s warm outside, too. ‘Anywhere has got to be warmer than where I am right now,’ I think to myself as I glance down at my bare feet on the tiled floor. If I listen hard enough, I bet I can faintly hear kids playing in the park I passed on my way here. I then look to my left at the metal table beside my bed, the stainless steel instruments cold and gleaming under the white fluorescent lights overhead. Turning back to the window, I let my eyes close and sure enough I hear a child shriek in the distance. A lone tear escapes and slips down my left cheek. Oh, to be a child again…

“You don’t have to do this, you know,” Dr. Munroe calls, her voice shattering my thoughts.
“Yes I do,” I retort quickly and swipe furiously at my cheek with one hand while the other shuts the blinds. When I’m done, I climb onto the bed and try to make myself as comfortable as possible. “The sooner we get this done, the better.”

She doesn’t respond verbally, instead she gives a curt nod of her head to let me know that she understands.

“Do you need anything before we begin?”
“Is Maria here? Can she—”
“I’m right here, babe,” she replies as she steps from behind Dr. Munroe. “What do you need me to do?” I raise my right hand, and without hesitation Maria rushes over and captures it in both of hers. “This will all be over before you know.”
“That’s what I’m counting on,” I murmur as I turn my head to the side so I won’t have to look at her.

“Now Liz, I’m going to administer the general anesthesia. I need you to take a couple of deep breaths and let them out slowly.”

As I take the first deep breath, I feel a tiny pin prick against my right arm and liquid fire slowly burns through my veins to the tips of my fingers. I roll my head back to the center and close my eyes.

**********

“So how many?”
“How many what?”
“Kids.”
“What about the kids?” I mumbled absent mindedly.
“See, this is what I’m talking about,” Zan laughed. “Whenever I’m on the phone and the TV is on, you never pay attention to the conversation.”
“I do too!”
“Okay then, what were we talking about?”
“Kids.”
“What about them?”
“How important they are to our future,” I guessed and he fell out laughing again.

**********

“Okay, I need you to slide down a little more and push your feet further up into the stirrups. Good.”

**********

“Two, three at the most,” I answered after he had recovered from his fit of laughter.
‘That’s it?”
“Don’t you think that’s enough?”
“Not really.”
“No? How many do you want?”
“Five or six,” Zan answered nonchalantly.
“Five or six?!?! That’s not a family, it’s a tribe or basketball team!” I shrieked and he burst out laughing all over again.

**********

“Maria,” I whimper and her hands instantly tighten around mine.
“It’s okay, I’m here. It’s almost over.”
“You’re doing great, Liz. I’m going to insert the speculum and I need you to open up a little more so I can…”

**********

“Are you serious about wanting five or six kids?”
“Yeah.”
“And who, pray tell, are you going to find that’s going to put up with all that pain and suffering?”
“I’ve already found her.”
“Who?”
“Are you telling me that you wouldn’t want to be the mother of my kids?”

Silence.

“All six of them?”
“Yeah, I don’t believe in the multiple baby mama situation.”
“So I’d be your babies’ mama?” I teased.
“Come on now, Liz, you already know the answer to that. You would be our children’s mother and my wife…”

**********

“It hurts,” I whisper as tears slide from the corners of my eyes in rapid succession. I want to wish the tears away, but I can’t.
“I know, but it’s going to be okay. I promise it will.”

**********

“Okay, so why me? Why do you want me to be the mother of your kids? And six! My God!”
“Are you saying that you don’t want to be the mother of our kids?”
“No…”
“Oh, so you do?”
“Zan!”
“Okay, this is how it is,” he starts with a slight chuckle in his voice. “Liz, you’ve got the mama vibe stamped all over you. You totally got the ‘did you eat today? how are you feeling? how was your day, honey?’ thing working for you already and that’s just with me. I can only imagine what you would be like with kids of your own. You got the nurturing thing down pat, but aside from all that there’s you. Even if you couldn’t nurture worth a damn, you’re still a good person, intelligent, beautiful and damn near perfect in my eyes.”
“Damn near?” I laughed though I wanted to drop the phone and dance a little happy jig around my living room.
“Okay, you ARE perfect in my eyes, that better?” he smiled through the phone. “When all is said and done, I think you would be the shit as a wife and mother, and I want that. I mean really, I just want you.”

**********

All my bravado is gone. The high and mighty attitude, my bold statements proclaiming how I could do this and how strong I am have been reduced to incoherent sobbing as I lay on this hospital bed. Things are messed up, so much more messed up than I ever imagined they could be. I have no idea how I got to this place, all I know is that somewhere along the way I lost control and now I’m at the whim of circumstance. Utterly and completely helpless.

I’ve never cried this hard before in life, but the strange thing about it is I honestly can’t tell you what I’m crying for. I know that I don’t want this child, I definitely don’t need any reminders of Xavier that will haunt me on a daily basis for the rest of my life.

That bastard.

Maybe it’s the pain I’m experiencing that’s serving as the impetus of my uncontrollable weeping. Not so much the prodding and poking between my legs or the violent electrical storms dancing across my brain, but the pain that reverberates within my heart and throughout my entire being. The pain of memories and knowing how things should have been instead of being faced with the reality of how they really are. It doesn’t have to be this way, though. No, I can fix the situation by indulging in one simple choice.

And just like that I let myself go numb.

It’s quite amazing how easy it is to go numb, easier than one would expect. As the wracking sobs subside to miniscule, practically unnoticeable hiccups and my breathing regulates itself, I almost giggle at how calm I feel. I can hear Dr. Munroe stirring in front of me, taking care of unfinished business and I’m sure that Maria is whispering words of quiet reassurance in my ear, but I’m not really here. Even as I begin to dress and my post procedure instructions are spouted out at me in all their seriousness, the fog continues to settle over me, wrapping around my mind like a warm chenille blanket.

I only realize that I’m outside, because I vaguely see that Maria is opening the passenger door of her car and helping me in. The 30 minute ride from the clinic to her house is practically nonexistent, and before I know it she’s helping me out the car and up the stairs into her apartment.

I couldn’t have picked a better time to go numb, and the drugs they’ve got me on aren’t half bad either.

“Okay, it’s time to lay down and rest a while,” she gently murmurs as she takes off my shoes and helps me into the bed. She’ll hear no complaints from me on this. “I’ll be in the living room if you need anything.”
“Um hmm,” I mumble as I close my eyes and am overtaken by the ultimate form of numbness.

Sleep.