Bleeding to Feel - UC Mi/L MATURE - 2/2 [COMPLETE]
Posted: Tue Sep 21, 2004 12:30 am
Bleeding to Feel
By burningchaos
Burningchaos@aol.com
Set after Departure, but Michael never slept with Maria, in fact they never even got together. Michael stayed for different reasons, everyone else left, but before they found out about Tess.
Polar stories
Rated MATURE, it deals with cutting.
I own nothing.
Last month Michael started acting stranger than normal, quieter, more withdrawn, and he started wearing long sleeves to work. Now I know why, I saw them, I saw the angry red cuts on his arms, and I saw what he has been trying to hide. I don’t know what to say or do. I, Liz Parker, am at a total loss on how to help this person who has come to mean so much to me.
After they all left and we found out about Tess, that’s when it began. At least that is when He started to mean so much to me, Maria left for NYC so soon after everyone else did. We were all that was left, we only had each other. So of course we would grow closer, become friends, but after what I saw I wonder how close we really are? We found out about Alex together, he held me while I cried, why won’t he talk to me, why is he hurting himself? Hasn’t he had enough pain? Liz looked up from her journal, trying to think of what else to say. To try and think out a way to approach Michael with what she knew, but came up blank. Liz got up from her chair and noticed how late it was, it was after 11. Michael should be almost done working, she knew she had to talk to him and it had to be tonight.
Michael pulled at his sleeves; they were getting in the way but had become a necessary evil. He never thought that he would feel this way. That he would resort to hurting himself. He always thought he was stronger than that, especially after Hank. Apparently he was wrong, every night it beckoned to him like a lover, this new way to control the pain. Liz knew now of that he was sure, he saw her face go white when his sleeve rode up. He should have been more careful, it was Liz after all, and she noticed things. Michael hurried with the clean up tonight; he didn’t want to talk to Liz, which was a first. She had become his center, he everything, he felt like he could understand Max now. She worked her way so deep inside him that he needed her, loved her, and it was killing him. The pain over that and being responsible for Alex’s death it was so much more then he could put into words. It was a heavy burden that he carried, it tore at him, it ripped at him and he knew that he was unworthy of his feelings for Liz because of all these things inside. Thanking the Gods he was finished. He was racing out the door when he saw her sitting on the break room couch waiting, ready to pounce on him.
They stared at each other, the silence surrounded them, and they were both afraid to speak. Liz knew Michael was trying to escape, that he didn’t want to do this. It was so clearly written on his face, but she was not about to back down. He was he friend and she loved him, she had to make him stop.
“Can you sit down, we need to talk?” Liz’s words sliced through the quite, breaking it, Michael jumped a little and nodded. He sat down next to her and was still silent. Liz wasn’t sure how to begin; this was new territory for her, being the stronger one, watching someone fall apart. She knew what needed to be said but not how, and she was terrified she would drive him further away, that she would completely lose him.
Michael sat nervously and waited for the bomb to drop, he knew he would have to watch his step, Liz always crumbled his walls, and they were paper thin right now. He knew that this would be hard to hear, that she felt betrayed by his actions and was waiting, just waiting within the silence that still reined.
Finally Liz spoke “Michael I saw your arm, and I know what those marks are, what they mean. I want to help you, you always have helped me. You were my rock, now let me be yours.” Her voice was filled with tender concern, yet was firm and final at the same time. It left no room for him to maneuver.
Michael thought out his words, he didn’t want to lose her, he needed her, but he felt so worthless and was such a failure.
“Liz, I don’t know what you want me to say.” His voice sounded broken and resigned.
“Tell me I can help, that I can make you stop, what you are feeling and why.” Her voice was so soft and earnest.
Michael stood up to pace, “I am just tired Liz, and well, I don’t know. It makes everything stop hurting. For a little while I feel alive, I feel in control again.”
Liz was stunned that he was opening up to her she hadn’t truly expected it. She expected Michael to do a song and dance about what was going on, not this.
“I love the release of pain, it takes away the emotions of the day, it lets me rest and think.” Michael continued on now almost as if he were talking to himself. He voice was more rapid now but it sounded so broken, when had he broken and why hadn’t she seen it? “Sometimes I can’t stop thinking about Alex, and how it is my fault, I should have protected him better. I should have known. It is my job to know and do these things.”
Liz felt the tears welling up behind her eyes as she went to comfort him, to show him she cared.
“Michael, Alex’s death wasn’t your fault, it was Tess’ and you now that. There was nothing you could do.”
“That’s the problem; there is never anything I can do. I let them leave with a murder Liz; they are alone without me to protect them from her!”
“They are fine and you know how strong Isabelle and Max are, they never trusted her to begin with. What else has you like this Michael there has to be more?”
Michael whirled to face Liz his look confused her, he suddenly seemed angry and she didn’t know why.
“You couldn’t handle the truth Liz, you can’t handle my world!”
“How would you know if you don’t let me in? I tell you it all, I shared everything with you and you are shutting me out, let me in, let me help you!”
Michael growled in frustration, he loved her strength, her courage but right now she was pissing him off. He knew before this night was over his secret would be out, that she would know and no longer want him around.
“Okay Liz I’ll tell you the truth, I’ll tell you all of it. Sometimes I hurt so much I want to die, cutting helps, I like the pain it creates, and it is only blood and flesh. It’s the kind of pain of that I can control, it is the other pain I can’t deal with.”
Liz was almost frightened by the look on Michael’s face it was barely controlled rage but he wasn’t yelling, why wasn’t he yelling, he should be yelling.
“I hate feeling, I need more then the pain that is constantly badgering me, I love you, but I shouldn’t, look at me I am worthless. I am unable to protect my family; and I have nothing to offer anyone.”
Liz’s heart was breaking; didn’t he know how wonderful he was? “Michael can I ask you a question?” she asked as she laid her hand on his arm.
Michael’s head hung low she couldn’t read his expression or eyes as he replied “Sure.”
“Would I love anyone who was worthless?”
Michael’s eyes snapped to hers, his registered shock, hers were filled with love. Love that washed over him in waves, love that was binding his wounded soul.
“You love me?” he was still shocked, he was hearing things, it was his imagination, and this wasn’t real.
“Yes Michael I love you.” Liz said it sincerely and simply as though he was a child.
He reached out to grab her, his hands felt like a vice grip on her arms “You aren’t lying?”
His insecurity hurt her, but then he was in so much pain. “Michael I LOVE YOU.”
As she said it again this time it truly reached him, and he let go of her arms only to wrap her in his. He clung to her as if he were drowning; she was his hope, his guiding light, his healing.
“Liz I don’t know why or how but I love you too. I need you, I never thought I would need someone this way, but I need you.” He started to cry, soul wrenching, heartbreaking sobs.
Liz was pressed against his chest, and she whispered up to him “We will get through this, it will be okay. I’ll never leave you.”
Michael was surrounded by Liz’s love and he knew that she spoke the truth, with her he would make it.
By burningchaos
Burningchaos@aol.com
Set after Departure, but Michael never slept with Maria, in fact they never even got together. Michael stayed for different reasons, everyone else left, but before they found out about Tess.
Polar stories
Rated MATURE, it deals with cutting.
I own nothing.
Last month Michael started acting stranger than normal, quieter, more withdrawn, and he started wearing long sleeves to work. Now I know why, I saw them, I saw the angry red cuts on his arms, and I saw what he has been trying to hide. I don’t know what to say or do. I, Liz Parker, am at a total loss on how to help this person who has come to mean so much to me.
After they all left and we found out about Tess, that’s when it began. At least that is when He started to mean so much to me, Maria left for NYC so soon after everyone else did. We were all that was left, we only had each other. So of course we would grow closer, become friends, but after what I saw I wonder how close we really are? We found out about Alex together, he held me while I cried, why won’t he talk to me, why is he hurting himself? Hasn’t he had enough pain? Liz looked up from her journal, trying to think of what else to say. To try and think out a way to approach Michael with what she knew, but came up blank. Liz got up from her chair and noticed how late it was, it was after 11. Michael should be almost done working, she knew she had to talk to him and it had to be tonight.
Michael pulled at his sleeves; they were getting in the way but had become a necessary evil. He never thought that he would feel this way. That he would resort to hurting himself. He always thought he was stronger than that, especially after Hank. Apparently he was wrong, every night it beckoned to him like a lover, this new way to control the pain. Liz knew now of that he was sure, he saw her face go white when his sleeve rode up. He should have been more careful, it was Liz after all, and she noticed things. Michael hurried with the clean up tonight; he didn’t want to talk to Liz, which was a first. She had become his center, he everything, he felt like he could understand Max now. She worked her way so deep inside him that he needed her, loved her, and it was killing him. The pain over that and being responsible for Alex’s death it was so much more then he could put into words. It was a heavy burden that he carried, it tore at him, it ripped at him and he knew that he was unworthy of his feelings for Liz because of all these things inside. Thanking the Gods he was finished. He was racing out the door when he saw her sitting on the break room couch waiting, ready to pounce on him.
They stared at each other, the silence surrounded them, and they were both afraid to speak. Liz knew Michael was trying to escape, that he didn’t want to do this. It was so clearly written on his face, but she was not about to back down. He was he friend and she loved him, she had to make him stop.
“Can you sit down, we need to talk?” Liz’s words sliced through the quite, breaking it, Michael jumped a little and nodded. He sat down next to her and was still silent. Liz wasn’t sure how to begin; this was new territory for her, being the stronger one, watching someone fall apart. She knew what needed to be said but not how, and she was terrified she would drive him further away, that she would completely lose him.
Michael sat nervously and waited for the bomb to drop, he knew he would have to watch his step, Liz always crumbled his walls, and they were paper thin right now. He knew that this would be hard to hear, that she felt betrayed by his actions and was waiting, just waiting within the silence that still reined.
Finally Liz spoke “Michael I saw your arm, and I know what those marks are, what they mean. I want to help you, you always have helped me. You were my rock, now let me be yours.” Her voice was filled with tender concern, yet was firm and final at the same time. It left no room for him to maneuver.
Michael thought out his words, he didn’t want to lose her, he needed her, but he felt so worthless and was such a failure.
“Liz, I don’t know what you want me to say.” His voice sounded broken and resigned.
“Tell me I can help, that I can make you stop, what you are feeling and why.” Her voice was so soft and earnest.
Michael stood up to pace, “I am just tired Liz, and well, I don’t know. It makes everything stop hurting. For a little while I feel alive, I feel in control again.”
Liz was stunned that he was opening up to her she hadn’t truly expected it. She expected Michael to do a song and dance about what was going on, not this.
“I love the release of pain, it takes away the emotions of the day, it lets me rest and think.” Michael continued on now almost as if he were talking to himself. He voice was more rapid now but it sounded so broken, when had he broken and why hadn’t she seen it? “Sometimes I can’t stop thinking about Alex, and how it is my fault, I should have protected him better. I should have known. It is my job to know and do these things.”
Liz felt the tears welling up behind her eyes as she went to comfort him, to show him she cared.
“Michael, Alex’s death wasn’t your fault, it was Tess’ and you now that. There was nothing you could do.”
“That’s the problem; there is never anything I can do. I let them leave with a murder Liz; they are alone without me to protect them from her!”
“They are fine and you know how strong Isabelle and Max are, they never trusted her to begin with. What else has you like this Michael there has to be more?”
Michael whirled to face Liz his look confused her, he suddenly seemed angry and she didn’t know why.
“You couldn’t handle the truth Liz, you can’t handle my world!”
“How would you know if you don’t let me in? I tell you it all, I shared everything with you and you are shutting me out, let me in, let me help you!”
Michael growled in frustration, he loved her strength, her courage but right now she was pissing him off. He knew before this night was over his secret would be out, that she would know and no longer want him around.
“Okay Liz I’ll tell you the truth, I’ll tell you all of it. Sometimes I hurt so much I want to die, cutting helps, I like the pain it creates, and it is only blood and flesh. It’s the kind of pain of that I can control, it is the other pain I can’t deal with.”
Liz was almost frightened by the look on Michael’s face it was barely controlled rage but he wasn’t yelling, why wasn’t he yelling, he should be yelling.
“I hate feeling, I need more then the pain that is constantly badgering me, I love you, but I shouldn’t, look at me I am worthless. I am unable to protect my family; and I have nothing to offer anyone.”
Liz’s heart was breaking; didn’t he know how wonderful he was? “Michael can I ask you a question?” she asked as she laid her hand on his arm.
Michael’s head hung low she couldn’t read his expression or eyes as he replied “Sure.”
“Would I love anyone who was worthless?”
Michael’s eyes snapped to hers, his registered shock, hers were filled with love. Love that washed over him in waves, love that was binding his wounded soul.
“You love me?” he was still shocked, he was hearing things, it was his imagination, and this wasn’t real.
“Yes Michael I love you.” Liz said it sincerely and simply as though he was a child.
He reached out to grab her, his hands felt like a vice grip on her arms “You aren’t lying?”
His insecurity hurt her, but then he was in so much pain. “Michael I LOVE YOU.”
As she said it again this time it truly reached him, and he let go of her arms only to wrap her in his. He clung to her as if he were drowning; she was his hope, his guiding light, his healing.
“Liz I don’t know why or how but I love you too. I need you, I never thought I would need someone this way, but I need you.” He started to cry, soul wrenching, heartbreaking sobs.
Liz was pressed against his chest, and she whispered up to him “We will get through this, it will be okay. I’ll never leave you.”
Michael was surrounded by Liz’s love and he knew that she spoke the truth, with her he would make it.