Title- Lost and All Alone
Author- Shobhna Guerin (shobhnathebest@yahoo.com)
Disclaimer- Dude, where's my Roswell? Oh crap. Did Katims take it again? He better not have wrecked it.... oh crap! He did. Sigh, so it's not mine anymore.
Category- Mi/L, MATURE to ADULT, Angst
Spoilers- Till Missing. 285 South never happened. But a few things, like the pod caves from later on are included in this.
Summary- A secret affair goes horribly wrong and life can never be the same again.
Notes- So yeah, you're gonna hate me for this. I hate myself for it too. Okay, not too much. I like what I've done with this. To be on the safe side, I'm keeping this after Missing, cause bringing Maria into the picture would make things a little messy (for me, anyway). Max? Man, I couldn't give a damn about him (I've been on an anti-Max crusade lately). Everything between the ****'s is a past event.
WARNING- Angst, it says. But when it comes to my stories, expect the unexpected. This may be completely ridiculous.
Prologue
How could things have been different? Could things have been different? Would that really have made a difference?
If Michael had healed me, had been the Healer, would that change everything? Would Michael have been a different person? Would I have liked him the way I liked Max? Or would I have fallen in love with Max later on, the way I did with Michael? Would Max and I have had a secret affair behind Michael's back, the way that Michael and I did behind Max's?
Hmm, who knows?
----------
I went to meet him at the place where we always meet. The pod caves. Ironic, I know. He's waiting for me at our place like always. Behind the rocks, hidden. Just like we are. Just like our love is.
He's sitting there with his head in his hands, his elbows resting on his knees.
It's the last time, he tells me. It's always the last time. We must never meet like again. We mustn't.
We both know. We can't stay apart. We can't stay away. We need each other. We need to feel. Just an iota of emotion. We need to relish that.
Without each other, there is nothing. Merely a body, hollow. No soul. The soul is only rejuvenated, is only brought to life, when we are together. The soul. Singular. We are one. One being. One entity. One.
----------
Part 1
She was walking back home. She had gone to meet him. Now it was time to return to her other life. The life she wished she could escape from.
She owed Max, she knew. She owed him big. For saving her life, for revealing himself to her, for helping her meet Michael....
She did not know how much longer she'd be able to take the heartache. The utter heartache of having to move from one life to the next. From one man to the next.
She had kissed Max. Surely, it was enjoyable. But she had kissed Michael too. And it was a whole other story. A whole other story.
Because it was more than just kisses. It was passion, lust, secrecy, security, want, need, love. Yes, it was love. She, little innocent Lizzie Parker, was in love with Neanderthal, good for nothing, or so people thought, Michael Guerin.
She loved him. It was hard to explain. But yes, she loved him. With heart, with soul, with body. She still remembered the first night they had made love with frightening precision, as if it were a memory implanted into her brain, such that she could not forget it.
******************
It was a cool December evening. She got off her shift at the Crashdown and hurriedly rushed out. Borrowing Maria's car, she drove out to the desert. To the pod caves. To her Michael.
He was waiting for her, the same way he always waited for her. She walked up to him. He gave her his hand. She held it firmly. He got up with her support. Holding hands, they looked into each other's eyes, wanting an explanation. Why did they feel the way they felt about each other? Was it natural? Was it okay?
Without realizing, their faces slowly inched closer, till their noses were almost touching. They could feel each other's hot, strained breath. They both wanted to, they both needed to.
Their lips touched. A jolt of pure, exhilarating passion coursed through their bodies. They hung on for dear life.
The kisses started out gentle, caressing, loving but soon blew up into something so wild that even they didn't know if they would be able to control it.
He kissed her hardly, fiercely, passionately. Bringing his hands to her waist, he caressed her back from under her shirt, enjoying the cool feel of her skin.
Carefully, he tilted both of them to the ground, where he had lain a blanket. He broke off from the kisses to look at her. Liz. His Liz. His girl. His woman. His.
Quickly, he attacked her body, lips following the fingers as they caressed her body; her cheeks, her lips, her eyelids, her neck, her ear, her jaw line, her shoulders. His hands busied themselves as they slid the shirt off her shoulders and down her back. She wasn't wearing a bra.
Their bodies heated up to a temperature beyond control as he kneaded her breasts with his fingers as he left his mark on her neck. As he slipped his hands further down her body, his mouth took the position that the hands left. He left hot open-mouthed kisses on her breasts as he slipped her skirt down. Tossing her panties aside as well, he inserted a finger in her hot and already wet core. She let out a scream as he plunged another finger in.
While experiencing the great rush, she slipped his pants down his legs. He wasn't wearing any boxers.
Running her hands up and down his great length, he pulled it towards her core. But before it could go in, Michael remembered. "Condom." He whispered in what little husky voice he could muster.
She opened her discarded purse and took one out. Tearing the wrapper, she took it out and sheathed him. Grabbing hold, she pushed him towards her. He was more than willing to comply.
Nudging her clit, he poked at her before pushing in. Screaming, he plunged himself into the depths of her core. He gripped her hips as they thrust against each other. Feeling the frustration, he thrust faster.
They both screamed together as they both came and he emptied himself while in her.
Finally, when the whole ride was over, they lay against each other, holding on for dear life. It was their first time. It was one of the greatest moments of their lives.
********************
She walked in the back door and went up the stairs. She got her journal out her hiding place and opened to a new page. Grabbing a pen, she started to write:
I wonder. What do I do now? I'm stuck in this place and I have no idea where to go. On the one hand, I have Max. Such a sweet, gentle, loveable guy. On the other hand, I have Michael. Everything I've ever imagined, ever wanted, ever needed.
I wish I didn't have to make this choice. But I'm gonna have to. I can't keep this a secret any longer. I need it to be out in the open. I need to stop lying. I love Michael Guerin and I wanna scream it out to the world.
----------
Part 2
Liz sighed and put down her pen. Closing her journal, she rubbed her eyes. She wasn't working tonight. But still, she had come down to talk to Maria. Unfortunately, the rush in the Crashdown had made it impossible for Maria to say more than a brief 'hi'. So Liz had gotten her journal down and had started writing in it. She never knew when the time passed, and suddenly, Maria was saying goodbye and goodnight to her and had walked out. She looked around. It looked as if Michael and she were the only people there. She didn't know whether that was good or bad.
Michael took off his apron and shoved it into his locker. Slamming the door of the locker with a loud bang, he leaned forward and banged his head repeatedly against it. He stood still for a moment and listened. The only noise that could be heard was from the front where he knew Liz was sitting and writing in her journal. He sighed. Defying the orders of his brain, he walked to the door and opened it, going into the main area of the restaurant. There she was. Even when she was rubbing her eyes and muttering to herself, she looked so... so serene. So beautiful. So Liz.
He went up to her and stood there with her back to him. Slowly, he put his arms around her. At first, she stiffened, but then relaxed into the hug. He hugged her tight and brought his face near her neck, smelling her hair. She always smelt the same. Peach and olive. Her smell.
Liz groaned as Michael hugged her. It had been a while since they had just hugged. Usually, they'd hug and then the hug would lead to bigger things.. things that were almost out of their control.. almost.
She remembered the first time they had actually had an entire conversation.
********************
It had been only a few weeks ago. It was 6th period. And they were in the eraser room.
At first, he had been too distracted by her neck and face, and was too busy caressing them with his lips. But, he willed himself to step away from her and go and sit on one of the stools that the room provided.
Liz looked at him, wondering what could have made him stop. He was sitting there, just sitting, his mouth slightly open, as if he wanted to speak, but as if the words were adamantly refusing to come out. He wanted to talk, she realized.
She went and sat down next to him. "Michael, what is it?" she asked softly, taking his hand in hers.
"Why do I feel like this?" Michael blurted out, unable to stop himself. "Why do I feel this things for you? I'm not supposed to feel like this. I'm not supposed to be this... human. Why..." his voice choked. "Why do I love the feel of your body next to me so much? Why do I.... why do I crave to be with you all the time? Is this normal?" the questions poured out one after another, on a roll. He had to get it out. Once and for all.
Liz's eyes swelled up in tears at Michael's soft, desperate tone. This was a side of him she had never seen before. She held his hand tighter, and leaned into him.
"Michael..." she began, not knowing when to start. "Michael, you.... you are human. No matter how much you may not like it, but you are. A part of you is still human. And that part is trying to tell you, I think, it's trying to make you realize, that's it's okay. It's okay to feel like this. It's normal. It's human, yes, but it's safe."
"But why? Why do I need to? I'm an alien from another planet. An alien with a supposed purpose, with a supposed mission."
"So? Michael, everyone has something or the other to do in life. But that in no way means that they alienate themselves from the world entirely. No, that isn't the way it works. We all have emotions, feelings. We all ultimately act on them."
He grew silent for a moment. Then he quietly asked her, "Are you afraid?"
"Of what?"
"Me?"
"Never." She replied promptly, without even having to think about it.
"How could you not?" he countered. "I mean, you've seen me use my powers. You know how out of control they are. You know that if I ever blow up on you, I could literally blow up on you."
"No, you wouldn't. I still may not know you all that well Michael Guerin, but I do know that you would never hurt someone you genuinely cared about. No, that's just not you."
He raised his arm, so that she could rest her head in the area between his arm and his torso. She leaned in further. He leaned back to let his head be supported by the wall. He thought for a minute and then asked her, "Are you afraid of anyone finding out? About us?"
She looked up at him, her eyes dead set on him. "No. Honestly, no. I'm not. I know Max saved my life, and of course I'll be forever grateful to him for that. But I love you, Michael. I love you, and no, I'm not afraid to tell the world that." She paused when she saw the apprehension on his face. "Don't worry," she assured him, "I won't tell anyone. Not till you're ready. I don't mind waiting."
Michael leaned in and pecked her on the forehead. As scared as he was to let out their secret, he knew that he'd have to sooner or later. It was for the best. For the both of them.
********************
He whispered in her ear. "You better go up. Your parents are gonna think that I kidnapped you or something."
She giggled, then sighed again as tiredness took her over. "You're right. I'm really beat anyways." She turned around in his arms. Kissing him softly, she said, "Goodnight, Mr. Guerin."
"Night Parker." He returned the kiss and the sentiment.
She stepped away from him, and gathering her journal, started to walk towards the door leading to the back and up. Just as she was opening the door, Michael called out, "Hey."
She turned around. He grinned his Guerin-grin at her. "I love you," he said, his hands in his jeans pockets.
Liz smiled and closed her eyes for a second, enjoying the sensation that the three words had brought. Opening her eyes again, she said, "I love you too." Then she turned back around and went back in, a giddy grin on her face.
----------
Liz woke up the next morning, in an awfully cheerful mood, even for herself. Getting up, she headed into the bathroom for a long, relaxing shower.
Twenty minutes later, she went downstairs to get a bite to eat before she went off to school. Going into the Crashdown, she was surprised to see both her parents simply sitting on the stools. Usually, they were in full work mode at this time, getting ready for the morning rush. She walked up to them, noticing the grim expression on their faces.
Nancy saw Liz approaching the table and braced herself. She knew that Liz might be affected by the news, she supposed that Liz knew him rather well.
"What's up, you guys?" Liz asked, taking a seat alongside them. "Why the dull faces?"
Jeff took his daughter's hand in his. "Lizzie, I'm afraid I have some bad news."
"Yeah, what's that?" Liz asked, now a little scared.
"Uh honey, I don't know how to tell you this..."
"Just say it, Mom," Liz spit out, not being able to stand the tension anymore.
Jeff said it. "Honey, you know Michael Guerin, he was the cook here?"
"Yeah. And what do you mean by 'was'?" Liz asked, trying her best to keep her cool.
"Well honey, he.. uh, he died in a motorcycle accident last night," Jeff stated.
----------
TBC...
Lost and All Alone (Mi/L, ADULT) {COMPLETE}
Moderators: Anniepoo98, Itzstacie, truelovepooh, Erina, Forum Moderators
-
shobhna guerin
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Fri Mar 14, 2003 5:56 am
- Location: In my bed with Michael AND Alex.
- Contact:
Lost and All Alone (Mi/L, ADULT) {COMPLETE}
Last edited by shobhna guerin on Fri Jan 30, 2004 8:13 am, edited 6 times in total.
-
shobhna guerin
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Fri Mar 14, 2003 5:56 am
- Location: In my bed with Michael AND Alex.
- Contact:
Part 3
There was a darkness, all around her. It enveloped her, threatening to take control. It embedded itself into her deepest emotions, causing her to scream out as hard as she possibly could.
The dreams wouldn't stop. The nightmares came incessantly. Whether she was asleep or awake. The nightmares still came. They visited her. They were her friends during this time of despair, this time of loneliness. They were her only friends.
But still, she looked for him. She looked into the never ending passage of darkness for him. Michael. The name breathed of life. The name breathed of purity. Michael.
She ran from one corner to the next, the room ever elongating, never ending. She hurried around, her breath labored as she looked. Looked for him.
Alas, he was nowhere to be found. He was gone. Dead. Forever.
----------
Liz woke up, her face bathed in sweat, and tears. Sweat and tears. Tears.
It was all reality. He really was dead. He actually was gone. She had actually lost him. Why, oh why, did it feel like a fucking nightmare?
She wanted to scream, to yell, to shout. Anything to release how angry and frustrated she felt. But she couldn't. Because she was tired, and she was exhausted. She felt weak and so, so lost. Lost without him. Lost without her Michael.
She got up from the bed, swinging her legs over to place them on the cool floor. She didn't get up. She wasn't sure she'd be able to take more than two steps before falling. Falling, without anyone to hold on to.
With all the strength she had, she pushed herself up and stood up. Balancing herself of her near-numb legs, she attempted a step. Then another. That's it. Just keep going. Just. One. Step. At. A. Time.
She went and opened the window, leading out to the balcony. Slowly, steadily, she stepped outside. Once out, she went and sat down on her favorite chair. Next to the chair were her journal and a pen, that she had left that evening. Beside it was a framed photograph, laid down face first. She couldn't look at it. Hadn't been able to for quite some time now.
She opened her journal, but let the pen remain on the table. She opened her journal to the last entry and read to herself.
So alone, in this darkness
All alone, in this darkness
Let me be, just a minute more
In your arms, forever more
Lost, in this darkness
All alone, in this darkness
Your arms encircle me
Your presence comforts me
In this darkness, I see light
In this darkness, I see you
Everything I know
Everything I feel.
I miss you
She had never written poetry or any verse before, but here it was. Her pain, her loneliness, all out in the open. For the world to see. To hide from the world. To hide from herself.
She grabbed her pen and continued the free verse that she had created without realizing it.
I dreamt of you again
Tonight, while I slept
Was it a dream
Or was it a nightmare?
I have so much
To tell you
To show you
How do I do that
Now that I'm all
Alone? How?
Candlelight
Yes, no doubt you
Remember it well
It was us.
Candlelight.
Brown. Eyes.
Illumine my pain
Bring emotions
Into foreplay.
I have to let go.
Let go.
I know.
But how do I do that?
Can it really be all that easy?
Is it really all that difficult?
Can I question life?
Can I judge death?
Can I move on?
May I move on?
Speak to me.
Come hither.
I wait for you
Every night, in my sleep.
Hoping that you will
Help me escape my
Nightmares, and enter
Beautiful dreams
Where you and I
Are the only ones who exist.
Darling, why must you
Ignore me in so fashionable
A manner?
Must you not come
And thus, torture me to my
Grave? Must you do so?
Should you do so?
Can you do so?
Can you not return?
Can you not make
Me feel some emotion,
Just for one more time?
Please, oh please?
Liz closed her journal, unstoppable tears breaking the barrier and flowing down with amazing force and strength. She attempted to take a deep breath, only for it to end in a strangled sob. Her body shook, as her emotions took over. In that dark, starless night, she truly felt all alone.
----------
LOCAL HIGHSCHOOL BOY FOUND DEAD 5 MILES FROM FRAZIER WOODS
Martha Kaufman reports for the Roswell Daily Tribune
25th August
Local teenager Michael Guerin was found dead today morning in a ditch almost five miles away from Frazier Woods, on his motorcycle. It was, indeed, another case of crazy teenagers taking driving over the edge and paying for it. No one knows for sure how the bike ended up in the ditch, but Police says that he was probably hit by a truck or bus and then dragged into the ditch. Both Sheriff Valenti and Deputy Hanson were unavailable for comments, because of the alarm of fire in the high school, which turned out to be a false one.
"What is interesting," said one of the officers in charge there, "is that blood has not been shed at all. I mean, there is no blood in the area at all. Yet, there is barely any blood left in the boy's body. This can only mean that he must bled his gut out. But no traces of blood have been found in the ditch or anywhere a mile around it." It is indeed strange.
Michael Guerin, was an independent minor, living in his own apartment in Roswell, not very far from the Crashdown Café, where he worked as a part time chef. Though the teachers mark him "undeniably smart", he never did very well in school, and was at one point almost kicked out of school. He used to live with his foster father, but a mysterious vanishing on the "dad's" part resulted in Michael having to live alone by himself.
The entire West Roswell High is in shock about the news of the death of this young sixteen year old boy. Though he wasn't very friendly or amiable, people still were very saddened indeed by the news of his untimely demise.
His body now having gone to the autopsy room, will hopefully provide a few more answers about the cause of death.
Michael, mostly a loner, says fellow student Pam Troy, usually hung out with only two people, brother and sister Max and Isabel Evans. And of late, Pam adds in, with Liz Parker and Maria DeLuca. All five of the above were unavailable for comments.
As the news still takes time to sink in, one question lingers. Was it accident, murder, or maybe even suicide? No one knows for sure. Not just as yet.
----------
TBC...
There was a darkness, all around her. It enveloped her, threatening to take control. It embedded itself into her deepest emotions, causing her to scream out as hard as she possibly could.
The dreams wouldn't stop. The nightmares came incessantly. Whether she was asleep or awake. The nightmares still came. They visited her. They were her friends during this time of despair, this time of loneliness. They were her only friends.
But still, she looked for him. She looked into the never ending passage of darkness for him. Michael. The name breathed of life. The name breathed of purity. Michael.
She ran from one corner to the next, the room ever elongating, never ending. She hurried around, her breath labored as she looked. Looked for him.
Alas, he was nowhere to be found. He was gone. Dead. Forever.
----------
Liz woke up, her face bathed in sweat, and tears. Sweat and tears. Tears.
It was all reality. He really was dead. He actually was gone. She had actually lost him. Why, oh why, did it feel like a fucking nightmare?
She wanted to scream, to yell, to shout. Anything to release how angry and frustrated she felt. But she couldn't. Because she was tired, and she was exhausted. She felt weak and so, so lost. Lost without him. Lost without her Michael.
She got up from the bed, swinging her legs over to place them on the cool floor. She didn't get up. She wasn't sure she'd be able to take more than two steps before falling. Falling, without anyone to hold on to.
With all the strength she had, she pushed herself up and stood up. Balancing herself of her near-numb legs, she attempted a step. Then another. That's it. Just keep going. Just. One. Step. At. A. Time.
She went and opened the window, leading out to the balcony. Slowly, steadily, she stepped outside. Once out, she went and sat down on her favorite chair. Next to the chair were her journal and a pen, that she had left that evening. Beside it was a framed photograph, laid down face first. She couldn't look at it. Hadn't been able to for quite some time now.
She opened her journal, but let the pen remain on the table. She opened her journal to the last entry and read to herself.
So alone, in this darkness
All alone, in this darkness
Let me be, just a minute more
In your arms, forever more
Lost, in this darkness
All alone, in this darkness
Your arms encircle me
Your presence comforts me
In this darkness, I see light
In this darkness, I see you
Everything I know
Everything I feel.
I miss you
She had never written poetry or any verse before, but here it was. Her pain, her loneliness, all out in the open. For the world to see. To hide from the world. To hide from herself.
She grabbed her pen and continued the free verse that she had created without realizing it.
I dreamt of you again
Tonight, while I slept
Was it a dream
Or was it a nightmare?
I have so much
To tell you
To show you
How do I do that
Now that I'm all
Alone? How?
Candlelight
Yes, no doubt you
Remember it well
It was us.
Candlelight.
Brown. Eyes.
Illumine my pain
Bring emotions
Into foreplay.
I have to let go.
Let go.
I know.
But how do I do that?
Can it really be all that easy?
Is it really all that difficult?
Can I question life?
Can I judge death?
Can I move on?
May I move on?
Speak to me.
Come hither.
I wait for you
Every night, in my sleep.
Hoping that you will
Help me escape my
Nightmares, and enter
Beautiful dreams
Where you and I
Are the only ones who exist.
Darling, why must you
Ignore me in so fashionable
A manner?
Must you not come
And thus, torture me to my
Grave? Must you do so?
Should you do so?
Can you do so?
Can you not return?
Can you not make
Me feel some emotion,
Just for one more time?
Please, oh please?
Liz closed her journal, unstoppable tears breaking the barrier and flowing down with amazing force and strength. She attempted to take a deep breath, only for it to end in a strangled sob. Her body shook, as her emotions took over. In that dark, starless night, she truly felt all alone.
----------
LOCAL HIGHSCHOOL BOY FOUND DEAD 5 MILES FROM FRAZIER WOODS
Martha Kaufman reports for the Roswell Daily Tribune
25th August
Local teenager Michael Guerin was found dead today morning in a ditch almost five miles away from Frazier Woods, on his motorcycle. It was, indeed, another case of crazy teenagers taking driving over the edge and paying for it. No one knows for sure how the bike ended up in the ditch, but Police says that he was probably hit by a truck or bus and then dragged into the ditch. Both Sheriff Valenti and Deputy Hanson were unavailable for comments, because of the alarm of fire in the high school, which turned out to be a false one.
"What is interesting," said one of the officers in charge there, "is that blood has not been shed at all. I mean, there is no blood in the area at all. Yet, there is barely any blood left in the boy's body. This can only mean that he must bled his gut out. But no traces of blood have been found in the ditch or anywhere a mile around it." It is indeed strange.
Michael Guerin, was an independent minor, living in his own apartment in Roswell, not very far from the Crashdown Café, where he worked as a part time chef. Though the teachers mark him "undeniably smart", he never did very well in school, and was at one point almost kicked out of school. He used to live with his foster father, but a mysterious vanishing on the "dad's" part resulted in Michael having to live alone by himself.
The entire West Roswell High is in shock about the news of the death of this young sixteen year old boy. Though he wasn't very friendly or amiable, people still were very saddened indeed by the news of his untimely demise.
His body now having gone to the autopsy room, will hopefully provide a few more answers about the cause of death.
Michael, mostly a loner, says fellow student Pam Troy, usually hung out with only two people, brother and sister Max and Isabel Evans. And of late, Pam adds in, with Liz Parker and Maria DeLuca. All five of the above were unavailable for comments.
As the news still takes time to sink in, one question lingers. Was it accident, murder, or maybe even suicide? No one knows for sure. Not just as yet.
----------
TBC...
~Perhaps you notice the absence of love only when you have learnt to expect its presence~
=Githa Hariharan=
=Githa Hariharan=
-
shobhna guerin
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Fri Mar 14, 2003 5:56 am
- Location: In my bed with Michael AND Alex.
- Contact:
Part 4
Liz took a deep breath. Well, here goes nothing, she thought to herself. She had to face the demons. And that was what she was doing right now.
She placed her palm on the doorknob, the coolness of the metal comforting her. Slowly, she turned it and the door creaked open. She entered, closing the door after her. And then she breathed.
Everything, absolutely everything smelled of him. It was too much to handle. But she couldn't stop. It was almost as if she was breathing for the first time. The smell of the apartment and everything in it. It was rejuvenating her.
Slowly, she padded her way away from the door, going towards the couch. Gingerly, she sat down on it. The feel. The couch felt like him. God, it just simply felt like him!
Liz almost broke down into another tirade of tears right then and there. But she took a few deep breaths and managed to stall the tears, if only for a little while.
Liz got up and slowly walked to the place she dreaded the most. His bedroom. She didn't know why she was here. She didn't know why she was going in there. She didn't know what she would see. She didn't know how she'd be able to handle it.
Opening the door, she looked in. This room scared her even more than the rest of the apartment did. Her eyes went to the bed, where the sheets lay in a disheveled manner. She went towards it. She lied down on it.
In an attempt to drown herself in those sheets, she breathed in, thinking that nothing could really smell so much like him as this. After a few minutes of blissful pain, she got up. Hastily, she grabbed at the sheets, and folded them any possible way she could. She was taking them home with her. She was taking him home with her.
Before she could crumble and start to cry, Liz hurried out of the room, out of the apartment, out of his life; taking a part of him, a memory of him, a reminder of him, with her.
----------
when she reached home, she saw an envelope resting on her dresser. Placing the sheets down on her own bed, she went and took the envelope in her hand. It said only one word on the envelope: Liz. She recognized the writing to be Max's.
She opened the letter.
Liz,
I don't think I am strong enough yet to see you in person, so I dropped this off while you were gone. I hope you don't mind. I hope you're okay.
Liz, you have to know how shattered I am, which is the only reason that I'm not with you right now. I just fail to believe it. I just fail to believe that he is really gone. It can't be. It just cannot be. No, it can't.
Yet, I know. It is true. As much as I hate it, I have to accept that. I have to be the strong one. For Isabel. And even for Maria and you.
Izzy is shattered beyond control. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to console her. He was as much a brother to her as I have ever been. Maybe even more.
I know that the two of you had developed a bond, small as it may have been, working together. And I know how much the news must have hurt you too. I wish I was there to help you and to hold you. I will be. Please, give me time. I promise, I will be.
When I first heard the news, I did not even get to break down and cry. And not only because of Isabel. Because I had to take control. I had to forget about my pain and think about how to make sure that they didn't get a trace of his blood. I had to hide and do it very carefully, but it had to be done. And it was.
None of us have been able to go out of our houses. Not even Maria. I will only come out later today to drop off this letter that I am writing.
Isabel and I are holding an extremely small memorial service for him. I really wish you'd come. The only people coming are Izzy, me, Maria, Alex, my parents, and Mrs. DeLuca. And you, if you would like to.
Liz, I know you're in pain. We all are. Which is why I will come see you tonight. Wait for me.
I love you.
Max.
Liz let a tear escape her eye. Things just seemed to be getting worse and worse. When would all the pain end? I know that the two of you had developed a bond, small as it may have been, working together. And I know how much the news must have hurt you too. Oh, if only he knew.
If only he knew.
----------
Liz saw as Max and Isabel entered. She looked away just as Max sought her eyes out. Max's eyes fell when Liz didn't look at him. He wondered what was up with her, if she was okay.
It was around closing time, and since Maria and Liz were left to close, it was okay for them to meet here to talk. Maria took off her antennae headband and put it in her locker, and joined the other three outside.
She went and sat down next to Isabel. Isabel was staring at the table. Isabel and Maria had never been too close, but Maria had to offer all the support she could. She placed her hand in Isabel and Isabel looked up in surprise. She saw Maria's teary eyes and knew that the action was not out of pity. It was out of friendship. They had all known and loved him.
Liz stole a look at Max. He looked bad, very bad. But what was to be done? He had come to meet her the previous night, and it had not gone too well. Neither of them were opening up, and it didn't quiet either's fears down. So, all four of them decided to meet here today.
Liz had thought hard all of last night and all of today. She had to come to a decision. Should she tell them? She knew she should. But wouldn't it only make things worse? Should she give Max a reason to hate Michael? To hate the dead? Would Michael have wanted her to do that? Would he have done it if he were alive and she weren't? Would he have told everyone or would he have kept it a secret, buried along with her body? No one would know. But she did know that the time had come for her to make a decision. And what should that be? Should she tell them? Should she bury the secret?
Liz went and joined them at the booth. They all sat, no one looking at any other. Liz drew in a sharp breath. She had come to a decision.
"Guys," she started. "There's something you all need to know."
---------
TBC.... thank you for all the great feedback, guys!
Liz took a deep breath. Well, here goes nothing, she thought to herself. She had to face the demons. And that was what she was doing right now.
She placed her palm on the doorknob, the coolness of the metal comforting her. Slowly, she turned it and the door creaked open. She entered, closing the door after her. And then she breathed.
Everything, absolutely everything smelled of him. It was too much to handle. But she couldn't stop. It was almost as if she was breathing for the first time. The smell of the apartment and everything in it. It was rejuvenating her.
Slowly, she padded her way away from the door, going towards the couch. Gingerly, she sat down on it. The feel. The couch felt like him. God, it just simply felt like him!
Liz almost broke down into another tirade of tears right then and there. But she took a few deep breaths and managed to stall the tears, if only for a little while.
Liz got up and slowly walked to the place she dreaded the most. His bedroom. She didn't know why she was here. She didn't know why she was going in there. She didn't know what she would see. She didn't know how she'd be able to handle it.
Opening the door, she looked in. This room scared her even more than the rest of the apartment did. Her eyes went to the bed, where the sheets lay in a disheveled manner. She went towards it. She lied down on it.
In an attempt to drown herself in those sheets, she breathed in, thinking that nothing could really smell so much like him as this. After a few minutes of blissful pain, she got up. Hastily, she grabbed at the sheets, and folded them any possible way she could. She was taking them home with her. She was taking him home with her.
Before she could crumble and start to cry, Liz hurried out of the room, out of the apartment, out of his life; taking a part of him, a memory of him, a reminder of him, with her.
----------
when she reached home, she saw an envelope resting on her dresser. Placing the sheets down on her own bed, she went and took the envelope in her hand. It said only one word on the envelope: Liz. She recognized the writing to be Max's.
She opened the letter.
Liz,
I don't think I am strong enough yet to see you in person, so I dropped this off while you were gone. I hope you don't mind. I hope you're okay.
Liz, you have to know how shattered I am, which is the only reason that I'm not with you right now. I just fail to believe it. I just fail to believe that he is really gone. It can't be. It just cannot be. No, it can't.
Yet, I know. It is true. As much as I hate it, I have to accept that. I have to be the strong one. For Isabel. And even for Maria and you.
Izzy is shattered beyond control. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to console her. He was as much a brother to her as I have ever been. Maybe even more.
I know that the two of you had developed a bond, small as it may have been, working together. And I know how much the news must have hurt you too. I wish I was there to help you and to hold you. I will be. Please, give me time. I promise, I will be.
When I first heard the news, I did not even get to break down and cry. And not only because of Isabel. Because I had to take control. I had to forget about my pain and think about how to make sure that they didn't get a trace of his blood. I had to hide and do it very carefully, but it had to be done. And it was.
None of us have been able to go out of our houses. Not even Maria. I will only come out later today to drop off this letter that I am writing.
Isabel and I are holding an extremely small memorial service for him. I really wish you'd come. The only people coming are Izzy, me, Maria, Alex, my parents, and Mrs. DeLuca. And you, if you would like to.
Liz, I know you're in pain. We all are. Which is why I will come see you tonight. Wait for me.
I love you.
Max.
Liz let a tear escape her eye. Things just seemed to be getting worse and worse. When would all the pain end? I know that the two of you had developed a bond, small as it may have been, working together. And I know how much the news must have hurt you too. Oh, if only he knew.
If only he knew.
----------
Liz saw as Max and Isabel entered. She looked away just as Max sought her eyes out. Max's eyes fell when Liz didn't look at him. He wondered what was up with her, if she was okay.
It was around closing time, and since Maria and Liz were left to close, it was okay for them to meet here to talk. Maria took off her antennae headband and put it in her locker, and joined the other three outside.
She went and sat down next to Isabel. Isabel was staring at the table. Isabel and Maria had never been too close, but Maria had to offer all the support she could. She placed her hand in Isabel and Isabel looked up in surprise. She saw Maria's teary eyes and knew that the action was not out of pity. It was out of friendship. They had all known and loved him.
Liz stole a look at Max. He looked bad, very bad. But what was to be done? He had come to meet her the previous night, and it had not gone too well. Neither of them were opening up, and it didn't quiet either's fears down. So, all four of them decided to meet here today.
Liz had thought hard all of last night and all of today. She had to come to a decision. Should she tell them? She knew she should. But wouldn't it only make things worse? Should she give Max a reason to hate Michael? To hate the dead? Would Michael have wanted her to do that? Would he have done it if he were alive and she weren't? Would he have told everyone or would he have kept it a secret, buried along with her body? No one would know. But she did know that the time had come for her to make a decision. And what should that be? Should she tell them? Should she bury the secret?
Liz went and joined them at the booth. They all sat, no one looking at any other. Liz drew in a sharp breath. She had come to a decision.
"Guys," she started. "There's something you all need to know."
---------
TBC.... thank you for all the great feedback, guys!
-
shobhna guerin
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Fri Mar 14, 2003 5:56 am
- Location: In my bed with Michael AND Alex.
- Contact:
Thanks for all the gorgeous feedback! Here's some more. Hope it doesn't disappoint you. 
*hugs*
Shobhna.
Part 5
I'm Liz Parker and I just realized something. Telling the truth isn't as easy as everyone says it is. I mean, yeah, telling the truth is, but watching everyone's reaction to your truth.... that's the bad part. That's the downright scary part.
Nothing could have prepared me for their reaction. I know they'd be shocked, but their reactions were beyond that. They were scary. I was scared.
Maria is so wonderful, she really is a best friend. I love her. She was so supportive. Of course, she was shocked in the beginning, but when Max and Isabel start to scream at me, she totally took my side and shouted back at them. Since when did I deserve such a great friend?
Isabel. I knew she'd be pissed. She was Max's sister, after all. But she wasn't. I mean, yeah, she was pissed, but she wasn't pissed on Max's behalf. She was pissed because... well, basically because Michael and I kept it from them. And then she was pissed because we slept together. She thought we might have been careless. Never. But she didn't listen. She started to lecture about how we don't know what an alien-human pregnancy might be like.
Max. After I told them the whole story, I couldn't dare look at him. After a few minutes of deathly silence, I finally did. And I saw exactly what I had expected and so much more. Hurt, pain, anger, humiliation. I guess I understand.
He took me to the other side of the café and asked me if this was really true or if I was just playing a huge joke on him. I told him it was the truth. And I cried. I didn't mean to, I had promised myself that I would be strong throughout the ordeal, but I cried. I had to. Tears quickly slipped down my cheeks and onto his hand that cupped my face. His eyes were wide, as if with fear, trepidation and anger. He asked me how I could betray him like this, and that too with his brother, and I remained silent. I remained silent not because I had no answer, but because I believed that I had no excuses to make. I would make excuses, not about what Michael and I had. No. That would only cheapen it. I wouldn't dare do that.
He walked away from me, anger in his every stride. Before walking out the door, he looked at me and said, "I hope you're happy Liz. I saved you because I loved you. But that love wasn't enough, I guess. I hope Michael's was. I really so." And then he walked out. I don't completely understand what he meant. Has he forgiven me? Do I need his forgiveness? No. I don't. I care about Max, I really do. But I didn't need his permission to be with Michael, and I don't need his forgiveness for being with Michael.
It's been a month since that day. Max won't talk to me, won't even look at me. I understand. Isabel talks to me, but not all that comfortably. I guess she feels as if she's betraying her brother. I understand. I still have Maria. And Alex too. I'm okay. I'm dealing. I'm living.
Isabel told me that we have no idea what an alien-human pregnancy might be like. She's right. We don't have an idea. But we're about to find out.
I was fifteen days late today. I bought a pregnancy test kit from the grocery store. It's official. I'm pregnant.
----------
Liz knocked on Maria's window. It took a second of shivering in the cool evening air before Maria came to the window. On seeing Liz standing outside practically shivering, she hurriedly opened the window and helped her in.
Liz entered Maria's room and closed the window after her. She looked around the room. Maria took her by the hand and they both went and sat down on the bed.
Maria turned her face to her. "Liz, what's up?"
Liz bit back a sob and took a deep breath, squaring her shoulders in an attempt to give herself some self confidence.
"Maria... I got something to say."
"Of course sweetie, what's up?"
"I...uh, I.... I dunno how to say it..."
"Just say it. Liz, I'm right here for you. Whatever it is, just let it out. We'll deal with it together."
Liz was so moved by her friend's words that she reached forward and enveloped Maria in a hug, finally breaking down with tears. Maria, not understanding what was up with Liz, decided to wait till Liz told her herself, and simply ran her hands through Liz's hair with one hand while gently rubbing her back with the other.
"Maria.. oh god, Maria. I'm pr... I'm preg.... Maria, I'm pregnant!" she ended in a wail that cut through both of their souls.
Maria's mouth practically fell open at that, but she controlled all her shock. She held Liz and Liz broke into more harrowing sobs. "Sshh, it' okay. Liz, sweetie, it's okay. It'll be all right. It'll be fine. We'll deal with it. Liz...." she broke out in a sob herself.
They held each other for a few minutes. Liz calmed herself down enough and then unlocked her arms away from Maria. She dabbed at her eyes. "I'm sorry, I..."
"Don't you dare say another word, Liz. Not one word. It's okay. No being sorry. We'll deal with it together, I promise you."
Liz's eyes clouded up again with tears threatening to fall. "Maria, I... I can't do this."
"Of course you can! It's you, Liz! You can do anything you set your mind to. And hey, have you forgotten your trusty sidekick?" she smiled amongst her tears.
Liz smiled, her smile soon becoming a grimace. "Maria, I love you, you know that right?"
Maria took Liz's hand in both of hers, clasping it tightly. "Of course I do. I love you too Liz."
Liz choked back a sob. "I'm leaving."
Maria jerked her head back in surprise. "What?" she asked slowly.
"I'm leaving. Roswell. I'm going away."
"Why?! Liz, please, if you think that people are gonna be angry or something, then please don't. They won't. your parents will understand. We'll figure a way out."
"No.. Maria. I need to do this. I never thought I'd leave home, not without my loved ones anyway." She paused, taking a deep breath. "But I need to go. I don't want everyone to look at my baby the way that I know they will. They can look at me whatever way they want, but I will not let that happen to my baby."
Maria remained silent, understanding the truth in Liz's statement. Slowly, she nodded. "When do you leave?"
"Two hours."
Maria nodded again. "Where will you go?"
"I dunno. I guess I'll just have to see."
"Do you have enough money? I mean, will you be able to live somewhere proper..."
"Yeah. I have it all figured it. My parents had some money saved up for my college. I'll just use that till I can settle somewhere and find some work or something."
"What about school, Liz? And college?"
"Small sacrifice."
"No. No." Maria asserted. "You wanna leave? Leave. But promise me one thing Liz. Promise me that you won't give up on your dreams. Because if you do that, then you're not the Liz I know. Please just promise me that. I will ask you for nothing more."
Liz nodded, hugging Maria again. "I promise."
----------
Dear Mom and Dad,
By the time you find this, I'm hoping I'll be far away.
I'm sorry, Daddy. I'm sorry I wasn't the perfect daughter. I'm so sorry.
I loved him. I loved Michael. You didn't know that, did you? You thought I loved Max. I did. I do. But not the way I did, do Michael. I loved him too much for words to explain. And when he died, I thought I'd lost everything.
Turns out I haven't. I have a piece of him in me. Yes, Mom, Dad, I'm pregnant with Michael's child.
No, I don't regret it.
Remember once, Mom, you'd asked me what I thought love was? And I'd told you that it was something that made you feel like the queen of the world. I was thinking of Max then.
I'll tell you the truth. Love really is not that for me. For me, now, love is something that consumes. It makes you forget every other emotion. It helps you come alive.
That's how I felt. With him. He made me come alive. And now, we're making someone else come to life.
I want to have this baby. I know I maybe too young, but I want it. It's the only memory left that I have of Michael.
I will stay in touch. I'm too afraid to write to you, so I'll be writing to Maria. She'll tell you how I am. Please don't pester her to give you my address. I know she won't. She's the only one I trust anymore.
Grandma. Michael. How many more? I refuse to lose more of my loved ones. But then what am I doing walking away? Am I not in a way losing you too? No. you are my parents. You were, are and forever will be in me, guiding me through my life. I love you mom. I love you dad. Please don't think anything contrary to that. I could never stop loving both of you.
I'll see you, okay?
Love,
Liz.
PS- At least so you have an idea, if it's a boy, I'm naming him Michael. And if it's a girl, it's gonna be Michelle. Wish me luck, you guys.
----------
Epilogue on the way.... SOON!
*hugs*
Shobhna.
Part 5
I'm Liz Parker and I just realized something. Telling the truth isn't as easy as everyone says it is. I mean, yeah, telling the truth is, but watching everyone's reaction to your truth.... that's the bad part. That's the downright scary part.
Nothing could have prepared me for their reaction. I know they'd be shocked, but their reactions were beyond that. They were scary. I was scared.
Maria is so wonderful, she really is a best friend. I love her. She was so supportive. Of course, she was shocked in the beginning, but when Max and Isabel start to scream at me, she totally took my side and shouted back at them. Since when did I deserve such a great friend?
Isabel. I knew she'd be pissed. She was Max's sister, after all. But she wasn't. I mean, yeah, she was pissed, but she wasn't pissed on Max's behalf. She was pissed because... well, basically because Michael and I kept it from them. And then she was pissed because we slept together. She thought we might have been careless. Never. But she didn't listen. She started to lecture about how we don't know what an alien-human pregnancy might be like.
Max. After I told them the whole story, I couldn't dare look at him. After a few minutes of deathly silence, I finally did. And I saw exactly what I had expected and so much more. Hurt, pain, anger, humiliation. I guess I understand.
He took me to the other side of the café and asked me if this was really true or if I was just playing a huge joke on him. I told him it was the truth. And I cried. I didn't mean to, I had promised myself that I would be strong throughout the ordeal, but I cried. I had to. Tears quickly slipped down my cheeks and onto his hand that cupped my face. His eyes were wide, as if with fear, trepidation and anger. He asked me how I could betray him like this, and that too with his brother, and I remained silent. I remained silent not because I had no answer, but because I believed that I had no excuses to make. I would make excuses, not about what Michael and I had. No. That would only cheapen it. I wouldn't dare do that.
He walked away from me, anger in his every stride. Before walking out the door, he looked at me and said, "I hope you're happy Liz. I saved you because I loved you. But that love wasn't enough, I guess. I hope Michael's was. I really so." And then he walked out. I don't completely understand what he meant. Has he forgiven me? Do I need his forgiveness? No. I don't. I care about Max, I really do. But I didn't need his permission to be with Michael, and I don't need his forgiveness for being with Michael.
It's been a month since that day. Max won't talk to me, won't even look at me. I understand. Isabel talks to me, but not all that comfortably. I guess she feels as if she's betraying her brother. I understand. I still have Maria. And Alex too. I'm okay. I'm dealing. I'm living.
Isabel told me that we have no idea what an alien-human pregnancy might be like. She's right. We don't have an idea. But we're about to find out.
I was fifteen days late today. I bought a pregnancy test kit from the grocery store. It's official. I'm pregnant.
----------
Liz knocked on Maria's window. It took a second of shivering in the cool evening air before Maria came to the window. On seeing Liz standing outside practically shivering, she hurriedly opened the window and helped her in.
Liz entered Maria's room and closed the window after her. She looked around the room. Maria took her by the hand and they both went and sat down on the bed.
Maria turned her face to her. "Liz, what's up?"
Liz bit back a sob and took a deep breath, squaring her shoulders in an attempt to give herself some self confidence.
"Maria... I got something to say."
"Of course sweetie, what's up?"
"I...uh, I.... I dunno how to say it..."
"Just say it. Liz, I'm right here for you. Whatever it is, just let it out. We'll deal with it together."
Liz was so moved by her friend's words that she reached forward and enveloped Maria in a hug, finally breaking down with tears. Maria, not understanding what was up with Liz, decided to wait till Liz told her herself, and simply ran her hands through Liz's hair with one hand while gently rubbing her back with the other.
"Maria.. oh god, Maria. I'm pr... I'm preg.... Maria, I'm pregnant!" she ended in a wail that cut through both of their souls.
Maria's mouth practically fell open at that, but she controlled all her shock. She held Liz and Liz broke into more harrowing sobs. "Sshh, it' okay. Liz, sweetie, it's okay. It'll be all right. It'll be fine. We'll deal with it. Liz...." she broke out in a sob herself.
They held each other for a few minutes. Liz calmed herself down enough and then unlocked her arms away from Maria. She dabbed at her eyes. "I'm sorry, I..."
"Don't you dare say another word, Liz. Not one word. It's okay. No being sorry. We'll deal with it together, I promise you."
Liz's eyes clouded up again with tears threatening to fall. "Maria, I... I can't do this."
"Of course you can! It's you, Liz! You can do anything you set your mind to. And hey, have you forgotten your trusty sidekick?" she smiled amongst her tears.
Liz smiled, her smile soon becoming a grimace. "Maria, I love you, you know that right?"
Maria took Liz's hand in both of hers, clasping it tightly. "Of course I do. I love you too Liz."
Liz choked back a sob. "I'm leaving."
Maria jerked her head back in surprise. "What?" she asked slowly.
"I'm leaving. Roswell. I'm going away."
"Why?! Liz, please, if you think that people are gonna be angry or something, then please don't. They won't. your parents will understand. We'll figure a way out."
"No.. Maria. I need to do this. I never thought I'd leave home, not without my loved ones anyway." She paused, taking a deep breath. "But I need to go. I don't want everyone to look at my baby the way that I know they will. They can look at me whatever way they want, but I will not let that happen to my baby."
Maria remained silent, understanding the truth in Liz's statement. Slowly, she nodded. "When do you leave?"
"Two hours."
Maria nodded again. "Where will you go?"
"I dunno. I guess I'll just have to see."
"Do you have enough money? I mean, will you be able to live somewhere proper..."
"Yeah. I have it all figured it. My parents had some money saved up for my college. I'll just use that till I can settle somewhere and find some work or something."
"What about school, Liz? And college?"
"Small sacrifice."
"No. No." Maria asserted. "You wanna leave? Leave. But promise me one thing Liz. Promise me that you won't give up on your dreams. Because if you do that, then you're not the Liz I know. Please just promise me that. I will ask you for nothing more."
Liz nodded, hugging Maria again. "I promise."
----------
Dear Mom and Dad,
By the time you find this, I'm hoping I'll be far away.
I'm sorry, Daddy. I'm sorry I wasn't the perfect daughter. I'm so sorry.
I loved him. I loved Michael. You didn't know that, did you? You thought I loved Max. I did. I do. But not the way I did, do Michael. I loved him too much for words to explain. And when he died, I thought I'd lost everything.
Turns out I haven't. I have a piece of him in me. Yes, Mom, Dad, I'm pregnant with Michael's child.
No, I don't regret it.
Remember once, Mom, you'd asked me what I thought love was? And I'd told you that it was something that made you feel like the queen of the world. I was thinking of Max then.
I'll tell you the truth. Love really is not that for me. For me, now, love is something that consumes. It makes you forget every other emotion. It helps you come alive.
That's how I felt. With him. He made me come alive. And now, we're making someone else come to life.
I want to have this baby. I know I maybe too young, but I want it. It's the only memory left that I have of Michael.
I will stay in touch. I'm too afraid to write to you, so I'll be writing to Maria. She'll tell you how I am. Please don't pester her to give you my address. I know she won't. She's the only one I trust anymore.
Grandma. Michael. How many more? I refuse to lose more of my loved ones. But then what am I doing walking away? Am I not in a way losing you too? No. you are my parents. You were, are and forever will be in me, guiding me through my life. I love you mom. I love you dad. Please don't think anything contrary to that. I could never stop loving both of you.
I'll see you, okay?
Love,
Liz.
PS- At least so you have an idea, if it's a boy, I'm naming him Michael. And if it's a girl, it's gonna be Michelle. Wish me luck, you guys.
----------
Epilogue on the way.... SOON!
-
shobhna guerin
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 12
- Joined: Fri Mar 14, 2003 5:56 am
- Location: In my bed with Michael AND Alex.
- Contact:
Epilogue
To: DeLuca_diva@earthlink.net
From: Lizzie_the_scientist@yahoo.com
Sub: It's enough for now...
Dearest Maria,
I gave up so much that night when I walked away from everything that I'd known. I gave up my friends, my family, my life as I knew it. But I don't regret doing it. Not even for a minute.
Michelle's almost nine now. She's my everything. She's my life. She's all I need to survive.
Maria, I've noticed that you never ask me about him in your letters and e-mails. Why? Are you scared to? Do you think it'll bring back painful memories? Don't. It's not as if I don't think about him everyday as it is. I do. I can't forget him. You know how people say that when a person passes away, you should simply try and forget them, in a way giving their souls much wanted peace? Well, you know what I've realized. I don't care what they say. How can I forget him? How can I not think about him? For a while there in my life, he was everything to me. And even now, in a weird way, he still is.
I really wish you could meet Michelle. Anyone who's known Michael for even a couple of days will be able to see how much Michelle is like him. It's hilarious sometimes. She has the same habit of scratching her eyebrow when she's nervous or thinking. She always has the typical Guerin smirk pasted on her face every time I say no to her for something. She's more Michael than she could ever be me. Lord, I'm thankful for that.
You keep pestering me for pictures of her, so with this e-mail I am finally attaching some pictures of Michelle and me. Please don't laugh at my current hairstyle. I know it's pathetic but I just needed a drastic change. Why didn't you ever tell me I looked drab in that long hair? Maria! My nine old year daughter had to teach me how to do my hair and look good. No fair!
She asked me about him yesterday. Well, her actual words were "Mom, where's my daddy?" Maria, I was so scared when she said that. I'd prepared myself for the day she'd ask about her father, but the whole speech I had prepared flew right out the window. I had no idea what to say to her. How do you tell a nine year old girl that she doesn't have a father? That he died before he could ever know of her existence at all?
It was fucking hard, Maria. Only a few things I've done in my life matched up to how hard it was to say that to her. We sat and we talked, for hours, well into the night and next morning. There were tears shed, stories told. What I regret the most is that I didn't know Michael all that well either. The weight that was on us on keeping what we had a secret, prevented us from really doing the relationship stuff and getting to know each other better. But I told her all that I knew (and all that an adolescent could hear, ha ha) and.. god, Maria, it felt good. It felt good to talk about him. I still remember him, write about him in my journal every night. But I never spoke about him. And doing so for the first time and that too with Michelle, felt really good. Because even if he's not here, I want Michelle to know what an amazing dad she had. I'm just sorry that neither of them got to meet the other. Being the only person who's met both, I can very confidently say that if they were to meet, they'd be inseparable.
He would've been a great dad. I just have that gut feeling. For the brief time that I knew him and loved him, I could see that Michael has the qualities of a great father. Someone wanting a family, and promising to cherish it. You could see it in his eyes. He would've been a great father.
I try not to cry. It's hard but I try. The last time I cried that I can remember was Michelle's ninth birthday. She'd invited over her best friend Kelly, and we'd gone to Baskin Robbins for ice cream. Michelle ordered a hot fudge sundae and when we sat down to eat, she completely layered it with Tabasco. I don't know why but at the time, I started crying. Very hardly on the inside, but I only let a tear or two escape. Kelly was of course grossed out, I would've been too if I didn't have the same Czech problem.
I've contemplated on whether to tell Michelle about Michael's.... abilities. I don't know how safe that will be, since she's still only a child. And I've decided to wait a few more years, or at least till any of her powers, if any, start to emerge. I just hope she takes it better than you did.
I'm so glad that I went back to school. Of course, it's taking school since I have two jobs as well as Michelle to take care of, but I'm dealing. As long as I'm in school, I'm happy. I might not be the scientist that I dreamt of being, but med school's a start, right?
I'm hoping to get my degree and become a teacher. It would be a fulfilling job. From experience, I know I can handle kids and I'd love to teach them.
You remember Mrs. Grassier, our fifth grade science teacher? She was one of the best teachers I've ever had. Not only because she taught really well but also because she made me believe that I could be anyone I could want to. As long as I have my dreams, I can do anything. I want to influence someone the same way. I want to be that kind of a teacher. Thus, my decision.
Please do show the pictures to my parents as well. Thank you for all that you've done for me, Maria. I'd be nowhere without you. You are so good to me. I miss you.
Do keep me clued in on what's been going on in Roswell. I miss home, you know? As much as I love San Fran, I still miss good ole Roswell.
My best wishes to Max and Tess on their wedding. May they have a happy life together. I know what you're thinking, Maria. No, I'm not being a martyr. I do care about Max, and I'm happy he's finally found happiness of his own.
I'm sure you have a much busier life than to sit around and read my pathetically long e-mail, so I'll stop now. Do write. Michelle says hi to her beloved aunty Maria (who she's never even met!!).
I love you.
Liz.
The End.
26th January, 2004.
To: DeLuca_diva@earthlink.net
From: Lizzie_the_scientist@yahoo.com
Sub: It's enough for now...
Dearest Maria,
I gave up so much that night when I walked away from everything that I'd known. I gave up my friends, my family, my life as I knew it. But I don't regret doing it. Not even for a minute.
Michelle's almost nine now. She's my everything. She's my life. She's all I need to survive.
Maria, I've noticed that you never ask me about him in your letters and e-mails. Why? Are you scared to? Do you think it'll bring back painful memories? Don't. It's not as if I don't think about him everyday as it is. I do. I can't forget him. You know how people say that when a person passes away, you should simply try and forget them, in a way giving their souls much wanted peace? Well, you know what I've realized. I don't care what they say. How can I forget him? How can I not think about him? For a while there in my life, he was everything to me. And even now, in a weird way, he still is.
I really wish you could meet Michelle. Anyone who's known Michael for even a couple of days will be able to see how much Michelle is like him. It's hilarious sometimes. She has the same habit of scratching her eyebrow when she's nervous or thinking. She always has the typical Guerin smirk pasted on her face every time I say no to her for something. She's more Michael than she could ever be me. Lord, I'm thankful for that.
You keep pestering me for pictures of her, so with this e-mail I am finally attaching some pictures of Michelle and me. Please don't laugh at my current hairstyle. I know it's pathetic but I just needed a drastic change. Why didn't you ever tell me I looked drab in that long hair? Maria! My nine old year daughter had to teach me how to do my hair and look good. No fair!
She asked me about him yesterday. Well, her actual words were "Mom, where's my daddy?" Maria, I was so scared when she said that. I'd prepared myself for the day she'd ask about her father, but the whole speech I had prepared flew right out the window. I had no idea what to say to her. How do you tell a nine year old girl that she doesn't have a father? That he died before he could ever know of her existence at all?
It was fucking hard, Maria. Only a few things I've done in my life matched up to how hard it was to say that to her. We sat and we talked, for hours, well into the night and next morning. There were tears shed, stories told. What I regret the most is that I didn't know Michael all that well either. The weight that was on us on keeping what we had a secret, prevented us from really doing the relationship stuff and getting to know each other better. But I told her all that I knew (and all that an adolescent could hear, ha ha) and.. god, Maria, it felt good. It felt good to talk about him. I still remember him, write about him in my journal every night. But I never spoke about him. And doing so for the first time and that too with Michelle, felt really good. Because even if he's not here, I want Michelle to know what an amazing dad she had. I'm just sorry that neither of them got to meet the other. Being the only person who's met both, I can very confidently say that if they were to meet, they'd be inseparable.
He would've been a great dad. I just have that gut feeling. For the brief time that I knew him and loved him, I could see that Michael has the qualities of a great father. Someone wanting a family, and promising to cherish it. You could see it in his eyes. He would've been a great father.
I try not to cry. It's hard but I try. The last time I cried that I can remember was Michelle's ninth birthday. She'd invited over her best friend Kelly, and we'd gone to Baskin Robbins for ice cream. Michelle ordered a hot fudge sundae and when we sat down to eat, she completely layered it with Tabasco. I don't know why but at the time, I started crying. Very hardly on the inside, but I only let a tear or two escape. Kelly was of course grossed out, I would've been too if I didn't have the same Czech problem.
I've contemplated on whether to tell Michelle about Michael's.... abilities. I don't know how safe that will be, since she's still only a child. And I've decided to wait a few more years, or at least till any of her powers, if any, start to emerge. I just hope she takes it better than you did.
I'm so glad that I went back to school. Of course, it's taking school since I have two jobs as well as Michelle to take care of, but I'm dealing. As long as I'm in school, I'm happy. I might not be the scientist that I dreamt of being, but med school's a start, right?
I'm hoping to get my degree and become a teacher. It would be a fulfilling job. From experience, I know I can handle kids and I'd love to teach them.
You remember Mrs. Grassier, our fifth grade science teacher? She was one of the best teachers I've ever had. Not only because she taught really well but also because she made me believe that I could be anyone I could want to. As long as I have my dreams, I can do anything. I want to influence someone the same way. I want to be that kind of a teacher. Thus, my decision.
Please do show the pictures to my parents as well. Thank you for all that you've done for me, Maria. I'd be nowhere without you. You are so good to me. I miss you.
Do keep me clued in on what's been going on in Roswell. I miss home, you know? As much as I love San Fran, I still miss good ole Roswell.
My best wishes to Max and Tess on their wedding. May they have a happy life together. I know what you're thinking, Maria. No, I'm not being a martyr. I do care about Max, and I'm happy he's finally found happiness of his own.
I'm sure you have a much busier life than to sit around and read my pathetically long e-mail, so I'll stop now. Do write. Michelle says hi to her beloved aunty Maria (who she's never even met!!).
I love you.
Liz.
The End.
26th January, 2004.