Author: Vegas312
Disclaimer: I do not own Roswell so please don't sue me as I'm just taking the characters for a small spin.
Disclaimer 2: I borrowed some of the lines below from the eppys "EOTW," and "Graduation." I do not own either eppy so yeah please don't sue me.
Rating: Mature for language
Coupling: Mainly M/L with a dash of the others (CC)
Summary: Everything up to Max in the City happens except we start the story before Max goes to see Liz. This is my twist and take on Max and Liz trying to redefine their relationship after everything that happened after EOTW.
AN: This is dedicated to my best buddy Mary who challenged me to write a short dreamer fic that's a bit angsty and a bit fluff. lol She challenges me to push it and I love her for that. *smooch* Luv ya babe! Btw she made the awesome banner below.
Oh this is a two parter and part two will be posted on Saturday. Enjoy!
Part One
Couples strolled arm in arm enjoying the night air that was surprising warm for that time of the year. A few kids ran along side their parents playing tag and amber eyes looked on as a boy and girl with brunette hair chased each other under their parents’ watchful eyes. The thought that one day that could have been him and Liz crossed his mind before he closed his eyes with regret and sadness. He could no longer have thoughts like that or wish for what could have been because she had made it clear that he wasn’t what she wanted.
She wants to have children with someone normal. Someone who won’t have to look over their shoulder to see if their enemies are behind him.
The words whispered through his mind as he remembered the words that had been exchanged the night his entire world had come crashing down and he found out that everything he had believed in was nothing more than a lie…a beautiful lie that had given him hope that he one day could be one of those couples strolling hand in hand, but still a lie.
He shook his head and moved away from the light post he had been leaning against. With one more look at the two children playing tag, he started the walk across the street that would lead him to the dual entry of heaven and hell. Heaven because he could look at her and remember the love that had been between them, and hell because he would only now look at her and see the betrayal and the dreams she had shattered.
She saved your life Max. The only reason we were able to get through to you in New York was because whatever you did when you saved Liz changed her in a way that connected the two of you.
If they were so connected then how could she have done what she’d done? If she really loved him then she would have known that finding her in bed with Kyle was the last thing he had wanted to see. If that was love then he didn’t want it. Those were the words he had flung back at Isabel when she had told him what had happened when he was in New York City. Isabel had tried to tell him that maybe there was more than what he had thought he had saw, but he had ignored her not wanting to tell her that finally after months that he no longer had hope that Liz and he would be together.
Hope…how can one who had never allowed himself to believe in anything now believe in a concept like hope? Hope…it was nothing more than something mothers gave their children when the world was harsh and cruel and told them to believe in something they couldn’t see and that hope and faith would see them through such a cruel world.
Once upon a time ago when all was well he had allowed himself to believe in something and to hope that just maybe he belonged here and that the girl of his dreams loved him as much as he loved her.
You’ve put me on this pedestal.
Maybe she was right that he had put her on a pedestal and that he had been blinded to everything else. She sure as hell had knocked that pedestal down when he had caught her in bed with Kyle. Was it wrong to want to be happy? Was it so wrong to forget about everything else except for her and him? Why did it have to be so wrong?
You’re like this martyr. Instead of carrying a stick and trying to save the poor, you’re wearing your pain as if it’s a cape as a constant reminder to everyone around that your heart has been broken. God, look around you because it happens to everyone. Everyone gets his or her heart broken everyday and I’m sorry to say this, but it’s part of growing up. And Max, you’re not the only one hurting. Maybe if you stop playing the role of the wounded then you would realize that Liz is hurting too.
You’re my sister. You’re supposed to take my side. And when did you start becoming a fan of Liz?
When she saved your life despite everything that has happened to her. Despite feeling dislike from me for what she did to you, she still saved your life. She’s hurting too.
The earlier conversation he had with Isabel came back to him as he found himself staring at the bright Crashdown sign. Laughter reached his ears and he looked around to make sure no one was looking at him before he walked down the alley that led to the fire escape. He put one foot on the step and then another and pretty soon he reached the top of the ladder and pulled himself up and stepped onto the balcony.
What am I supposed to do then? Tell me since you seemed to know it all.
If the two of you can’t be friends without hurting each other then maybe you should just say goodbye and stay out of each other’s lives.
Goodbye? Just like that? It’s not that simple.
Nothing about love is ever that simple.
Each step towards the window felt heavier and heavier and he continued to walk despite the ache in his heart. Finally reaching the window he looked in the dimly lit room and saw her lying across her bed with her dark tresses hanging over the bed as she stared up at the ceiling.
“Liz,” he whispered. A whispered that contained sadness and something more…if he didn’t know better he would have thought that it was hope but hope had deserted him long ago. As he stared at her, he wanted nothing more than to forget about this idea to say goodbye and just leave and erased everything that had happened in the past two years, even all the good things. He wanted peace and to no longer wake up with her name on his lips as he dreamed of better times and of things that never would be. No more lies, no more dreams, no more hope.
What will you do? Keep on hurting the both of you forever? No one deserves that. You either fight or let go…one or the other.
I wasn’t the one to let go…she let go first!
Yeah but you choose to let go instead wrapping yourself in that cape of misery and wrongdoing.
You’re wrong.
Am I?
‘Only Isabel would come bargaining into my room and give me advice whether I want it or not,’ he sighed before he raised his fist to knock on the window, but it froze a few inches away from the glass as fear wrapped itself around him. He moved his fist to knock again and like before he stopped before actually knocking.
“I can’t do it,” he whispered and moved away from the window. Leaning against the brick wall he slide down and sat as the memories of all they had been to each other flashed through his mind. He flinched as saw again Liz and Kyle in bed with each other and as if to mock him his mind replayed the image over and over again.
“No!” He bit back a moan and cradled his head in between his hands. Breathing harshly, he stayed liked that until he regained his control over his emotions. He wouldn’t let her see what she had done to him.
Maybe Isabel was right…that he couldn’t go on like this. That he had to either forget and forgive, or just walk away. Rubbing his face before he gripped the wall behind him, he pushed up and stood up. He turned around and moved back to the window and stared at the one person who held his entire world in her hands without even trying. “How could you?” He asked knowing there would be no answers before raising his hand and knocking lightly on the window.
He watched as Liz turned over and pushed her hair out of her face before getting up to walk over to the window.
She stopped at the window and stared at him in shock. Various emotions chased across her face before she got herself under control and her face turned into a blank mask. ‘What is he doing here,’ she thought with a hint of panic even as she drunk in the sight of him with her eyes all the while happy to see that he had survived the dupes and the summit. Opening the window she moved back and watched as he climbed into her room. As he walked past her, her eyes fluttered close as she caught the scent that was so uniquely his. Taking a deep breath she braced herself for what she was sure another round of Max demanding that she tell him why she had done what she had done. No matter how much it hurt the both of them she couldn’t break her promise to Future Max and condemn them all to no future. She rather have Max think she slept with Kyle then have the end of the world on both their heads.
“Hey, how are you? I’m glad that you made it out of New York okay,” she said nervously as she watched him move around her room looking at pictures on her mirror before he turned around to stare at the bed for a brief second.
Licking his suddenly dry lips, he tried not to flinch as he stared at the place where it had happened before he turned to stare at her. Amber eyes stared into brown eyes and he moved to stand before her. The connection that had been between the two of them since that day when he had showed her who he really was hummed quietly just waiting to be set free and connect the two again.
“Max, what’s going on,” she nervously pushed a strand of hair behind her ear and avoided looking at those searching eyes. She turned to look out at the window into the dark night to keep from giving into temptation and letting herself get lost in those golden eyes of his. God all she wanted to do was tell him the truth and let everything go back to normal, well at least normal between the two of them. ‘Why must everything be so hard for us? Isn’t anything ever simple?’ She ranted silently to the cosmos and whatever higher being was out there. ‘Why can’t we be together? It’s not fair!’
Right before I came Michael had died and so had Isabel.
Tess left town when we got married and without her we weren’t strong enough.
The end of the world came.
Her shoulders stooped as the words that had shattered her dreams came back to her and remind her why she was causing all this pain. ‘We can never be together again or the end of the world will come.’ She repeated to herself as if it was a mantra and would keep away her feelings for Max. ‘Someone, anyone please help me.’
Max looked at Liz and watched, as her body became more and more tense. Whatever she was thinking it couldn’t be pleasant and he wondered if it had something to do with her actions of late. Whatever it was it wasn’t making her happy. ‘Maybe now isn’t the time to do this, but when will it ever be right to tell her goodbye. Maybe it doesn’t have to be goodbye. Maybe she’s ready to tell me the truth for once. Dare I ask?’ Not sure what to do, but knowing that he couldn’t bear to see her like this no matter that he moved to stand behind her.
Suddenly warm arms wrapped around and pulled her into a hard chest. Closing her eyes she let herself enjoy the brief moment of returning to where she belonged. Warm breath stirred the hair around her ears as Max whispered into her ears, “Liz, please…” He felt her grow taunt at his words and he realized that it didn’t matter how many times and how many different ways he asked her for the truth that she wouldn’t tell him unless she was absolutely ready to.
She waited for him to say the same thing he had been asking her for months to say. That she didn’t sleep with Kyle and that everything she’d done since then had been all a lie, but she couldn’t tell him no matter how much she wanted to. ‘Why couldn’t he just let it go?’ Her conscience replied harshly that he had loved her and still did. A rush of pleasure that he still hadn’t chosen destiny or better known as Tess filled her, and a sense of guilt that even though they couldn’t they be together that she was happy that he hadn’t gotten over so quickly. ‘What kind of person am I that I would want him to be happy rather than with someone else? What have I become?’
“Max,” she started to say, but was interrupted when he turned her around and placed his finger over her lips. Startled she looked up at him as he gave her a smile that could only be described as full of regret and lost.
“I don’t think I have the words to say to thank you for everything you’ve done for me, Michael and Isabel. Thank you for every word, every kiss, and always believing in me. My getting to know you has made me more human than you can ever know, and I know there’s a lot going on with you lately.” He shook his head at her when it looked like she would say something again. “Don’t worry I won’t ask you anymore about what happened that night. For whatever reasons for why you did what you did those reasons will stay with you.”
He leaned down and kissed her on the cheek, “Goodbye Liz Parker.” With that he moved away and started out the window while Liz stared at the placed where Max had just been standing at in shock.
She continued to stare as what he had had said circled through her mind. “Goodbye? He couldn’t have meant goodbye forever. Then why did he sound as if he wasn’t going to see me again,” she asked the silent room before rushing over to the window and climbing out.
“Max!” She called as she caught him making his way towards the ladder. “Wait!”
He paused as he turned around to see Liz rushing towards him. He looked at her curiously as she halted in front of him.
“Um I just wanted to say goodnight since you left so quickly. What did you mean by goodbye,” her eyes searched his hoping that she had misunderstood him.
“Goodbye Liz,” he pushed a strand of hair behind her ear in a gesture so familiar that she had to keep from grasping his hand and never letting go. “I think it’s better this way. No more hurt, no more lies, and no more anything.”
“No!” She shouted as panic filled her and her heart seemed to have stopped beating. “What do you mean it’s better this way? I mean why do we have to stopping seeming each other. Why can’t we go back to being friends? We were friends before.” They might no longer be together and couldn’t be together romantically, but she couldn’t lose him completely not like this.
“Liz, we were never friends,” he moved away from her not wanting to make it harder than it already was.
“No, Max we were friends before everything happened, before the shooting and you saving me,” she hurried to block his exit to the ladder. “Please, don’t do this.”
He looked at the pleading in her eyes and he didn’t know what to say. A few minutes ago it was ‘I don’t want to be with you and I want to have a normal life,’ to ‘we can be friends.’ She was a walking talking contradiction he thought as he tried really understand what was going on.
‘Then again I’ve been trying to understand her words and actions for these past months and I’m still not sure what she wants from me. Doesn’t she understand what she’s doing to me by asking this?’
“I can’t do this anymore. It’s better for the both of us if we just part ways,” he told her softly not really believing these were the words coming out of his mouth, but knowing that they had to be said.
“How is this better for the both of us? Why can’t things go back to the way they were,” she blinked furiously to keep the tears that were starting to form in her eyes back.
“Don’t you understand what you mean to me? Don’t you understand that from the first moment I laid eyes on you, you were the only person who means the most to me? When I saved you that day I wasn’t thinking about Michael or Isabel. I was thinking only of you and even now with everything that has gone on I still want to protect you, so I’m doing this for the both of us,” he stared at her and showed her all that he had been hiding since their talked had begin. Pain so intense was in his eyes that they were no longer the bright amber, but they had changed into a dark molten color.
She winced at the words that were so familiar…words that she had said to Future Max to explain to him why she couldn’t go through with his plan.
‘Don’t you know what you mean to me? Everyone else will always be second best.’
Looking at the stark emotions that covered his face, she knew it was selfish to not let him go…but she couldn’t sever that last link that was between them. She just couldn’t. She thought about the life that could have been if fate hadn’t interfered because in that other life, she and Max would be happy and wouldn’t be hurting each other so much. To not have him in her life at all was just too painful to think about and she wouldn’t think about it. They’re relationship of late was like a shattered glass with it’s jagged pieces, but it was still precariously hanging together if nothing more than the determination to keep it together.
That determination filled her and she ignored the whispering of her conscience that it was more like desperation…desperation to keep him in her life. She pushed her hair away from her face needing something to do with her hands as she moved away from the ladder. Her chin lifted challengingly and she told him harshly, “If you want to leave now without us being friends then fine, but if you do this then I will never speak to you for the rest of my life. I won’t forget that you choose to leave and break our friendship.” She knew the words coming out of her mouth didn’t make sense and that they would only cause Max more pain, but this was the only way to make him see that if he did this then there was no hope left for them.
“You won’t forget?! How dare you? I wish everyday that I could forget want you did not to me, but to us and what we had. I wish I could forget that you decided to fuck Kyle, but I can’t as I relived that experience every night when I sleep and every day when I see the kids at school giving me pity glances. I can’t believe you! It’s like you’re this different person and that girl that I fell in love with never existed,” he towered over her with barely leashed anger making his body taunt and his eyes flash.
“Is this what this is about? Me sleeping or as you said fucking Kyle? It seems like you’re the one issuing ultimatums around here,” she glared at him hoping for some kind of reaction…anything to provoke him to tell her what he really felt.
She got more than she bargained for when he replied coldly, “Oh I doubt there was any sleeping going on. I know if it had been me and you there would have been no sleeping, just exploring and making love. But apparently my taking things slow wasn’t your idea of a relationship.”
With a gasp she raised her hand to deliver a slap, but he caught her hand and used to bring her close. Something dark glimmered in his eyes, something dangerous, something potent…like desire and yearning. He pulled her close giving her the chance to break away if she wanted and when she didn’t do anything he leaned down and kissed her…not a gentle kiss, but a kiss that screamed “mine.”
Liz clenched her hands into fists trying to resist the urge to clench his shirt knowing that she couldn’t lose all control although deep down inside she was pleased that she had caused him to lose his control.
Suddenly the kiss changed from full of anger to soften to nothing more than a whisper…a goodbye. She tasted the goodbye on his lips as his anger drained away and a tear slipped from her eye and slid down her cheek. Max pulled away and looked into the tear filled eyes of the girl before him…the girl who had brought him not only pain, but had brought him happiness at one point in his life. Whether she knew or not, she made him be normal and be human. Seeing the tear that hovered on her chin, he wiped it away with his thumb before letting her go.
She turned to see him climb over the ledge and start down the stairs. “Max!”
He paused and took in the sight of her rumpled shirt and her hair flying everywhere as a breeze lifted it in the air and wondered if he would ever really be able to go through a day without thinking about her. “Yes Liz?”
“I’m sorry for what I said about everything,” she stared at him willing him to say something, do something, anything but goodbye.
“I’m sorry too,” he said before disappearing down the ladder. Now standing on the ground he leaned against the ladder suddenly feeling sick and lost. Stumbling away from the ladder he made his way slowly down the alley knowing that he was indeed in a private hell of his own. He didn’t feel free, he didn’t feel happy, and he felt if as he had lost the only home had known.
He wasn’t the only one to feel as if they had lost everything that night. Liz stared blankly out into the night not wanting to believe that he had left. ‘Now he can pursue his destiny,’ a voice taunted in her head.
“No, he loves me,” she shook her head in denial.
‘Don’t you remember that you broke his heart and his love for you?’
“You’re wrong! Wrong!” She yelled into the night.
‘No you’re wrong.’
Tears blinded her sight as she spun away desperate to get away from the taunting voice and she made her way to the window and tried to climb in only to fall in. Sprawl on the floor she curled up not carrying that her bed was a few feet away and that there was a pain in her ankle where she had caught it in the window.
“Why me? Why?!” She screamed as she hit her fist against the floor as tears continued to flow unchecked.
TBC
Part 2 will be posted on Saturday
