Author: cardinalgirl
Rating: TEEN
Disclaimer: Don't own it.
Summary: In Tess' darkest hour, an unlikely someone comes to guide her home.
Author's Note: Written for the Fifthwheel Haunt's opening challenge. Dedicated to Kath and Annie, and open-minded UC'ers everywhere.
<center>The Art of Letting Go</center>
Her eyes were screwed shut in fear of what she’d see if she opened them. She hadn’t allowed herself to feel fear until it was all over, but now that it was, the terror she’d been holding back had let loose, and was engulfing her.
It had all seemed so easy, getting out of the car, manipulating the wire fence, walking onto the base, and summoning the power to destroy everything in sight. The power, that fearful power she’d always had access to had overcome her, used her as a conduit.
It had happened so quickly that no one had even had time to scream, and yet she was somehow aware of every single, individual life she was ending. Their surprise and horror cut through her, but she’d had no way of stopping the energy racing through her.
As quickly as it had come, though, the surge of power ended. Left alone, she was so weak that she fell to her knees, amidst the burning and the smoke, and the chaos. Parts of her were burned, and she could barely breathe. Her last thoughts before darkness overtook her, were of the small son she’d never know.
When consciousness had returned to her, she didn’t know how much time had passed, or where she was, or what exactly she was. The horror and fear of what she’d done, of everything she’d done, overtook her, and she drew her arms around herself.
She didn’t know what had become of her. She’d never questioned the possibility of an afterlife, or even of death before. She had a destiny. Dying wasn’t an option.
Even if it had been, she’d always assumed things just… ended.
But here she was, and if this was real, maybe heaven was, too. And hell.
A stifled sob escaped her, sounding loud in the dark silence around her, as her heart—did she even have a heart?—convulsed in fear.
If heaven and hell existed, there was no question which way Tess Harding was directed.
While her eyes were still clenched shut against whatever may or may not be before her, her mind replayed her sins, and there were many.
Seducing Max. Using her powers against her own kind. Betraying everyone. Forcing Alex, mindwarping him so much that his body couldn’t take it—
The sob became a lonely, wrenching wail.
She’d told Max the truth. She hadn’t done it on purpose, but once he was gone she didn’t know how to admit to what she’d done. She couldn’t, not when they were finally beginning to trust her…
She’d vowed to never kill again, but there was no way of stopping that when she was sent back to Earth, not when her son was put in danger. To save him, she’d killed as many men as she could, and then she’d run. She’d never had time to look back.
And now she’d destroyed an entire military base, killed everyone in sight, and herself with them.
And she was here, awaiting her fate alone, not even prepared to open her eyes and face it.
She thought of Zan. The small child was the only thing she’d ever wanted, the only personal dream she’d ever had, and now she would never be able to see him grow into a boy, a man. Her soul ached with grief at the very thought of it.
The idea that scared her the most was that this was it. That if she did open her eyes, nothing would change, and she would be trapped inside this darkness for eternity.
Suddenly she wanted—needed—to know what had become of her. She tried to reach out with her senses to get some indication of what this place was, but these senses were different, and new, and she didn’t quite understand them.
She was about to force herself to take the terrifying leap and open her eyes, when she felt a gentle hand on her back. She hadn’t even realized that she’d been sitting huddled on the floor until that moment, and she froze, not knowing who or what had touched her.
But the voice that finally came along with the hand was soft, and achingly familiar.
“It’s alright, Tess. It’s over.”
Tears burned at her eyes, and shame overcame her. She swallowed, and spoke in a halting voice. “Alex?”
“It’s okay, Tess,” the voice came again. “You don’t have to be scared anymore. It’s over.”
Slowly, Tess took a deep breath, quieting her tears, and let her eyes open, as she turned to seek out the image accompanying the voice. “Alex?” she asked again, her voice trembling, as he came into sight.
She saw that it was nighttime still, and she was sitting in the desert, not far from the wreck that had once been a top-secret military base.
She turned away from the sight, and focused in on Alex. His expression was unreadable, and the slight comfort of the familiar slid away from her in the horror of what she had done to this young man. She had to look away.
“What did I do, Alex?” she asked shakily, praying for some sign of how to proceed with him.
He didn’t give her one. “You know what you did.”
Her throat tightened, and tears came back into her eyes. Tears of guilt, of fear.
“Where am I?” she tried again.
Still, his voice was impassive. “You know that, too.”
She was quickly losing her battle with hysteria, and she swallowed harshly against the feeling. Batting her eyes to clear the moisture from them, she turned to face him again, confused at the complete lack of emotion on his face. Her voice broke. “Why are you here, Alex?”
And to her amazement, Alex smiled. Not a menacing smile, a good and gentle one. “I came for you.”
Standing in front of her, Alex held a hand out, to help her off of the ground.
All she could do was stare at the hand, then blink up at him. “I- I don’t understand.”
Alex sighed wearily, but looked at her openly. “I know you don’t. But you will. I do.”
“But I killed you!” she said, backing away from his outstretched hand. “You should hate me!”
“There’s more to life than living, Tess,” he said with half a smile. “Come with me, you’ll see.”
She shook her head, the tears streaming down her face. He couldn’t possibly forgive her… what she’d done was unforgivable. “I didn’t mean to do it!” she pled desperately, the words coming out faster than she’d planned. “And I’m sorry, Alex. I’m so sorry. You have to believe me—”
He knelt down in front of her, and with the tenderness of a father, brushed the tears from her face. “I know, Tess. I told you, I understand.”
She shook her head, disbelieving. “How can you understand?” she asked, pulling away again and holding her head in her hands. “How did I let myself become this way?” Suddenly a sickening thought came to her. If he was here… “Oh god…” She tossed her head to both sides, looking around. “All those men… are they here too?” Was that it? She’d spend eternity with all the people she had killed?
Alex looked confused at first, but finally shook his head as he understood. “No, no… they’re all being taken care of.”
She didn’t understand. “Taken care of?”
She watched as Alex’s forehead creased a little, as if he wasn’t sure exactly how to proceed. “This part of… the process,” he started, “is very personal. Death is kind of a shock to most people, and even when it’s not, the transition can be difficult… So when someone dies, someone from their life is sent to… bring them home.”
He gave her an apologetic smile, as if he wished he could be more helpful, but couldn’t. As she took in everything she was saying, her eyes filled up with tears. She turned away from him, not able to look at him. This young man had been almost a friend to her, or at the least, less hurtful to her than the others, and she had taken his life, cut off so many of his possibilities, and now he had come for her.
“I’m sorry,” she started, her voice raspy. “That there was no one else. You didn’t have to come for me.”
“Everyone needs somebody, Tess.”
She swallowed harshly, and asked quietly, “Nasedo?”
Alex paused. “I don’t know what happened to him,” Alex admitted. “I’m sorry.”
She nodded stoically. It wasn’t like they were family, or anything, but at one time, she would have thought…
“Still,” she said, wiping her tears away along with the thought. “I don’t think I’m going in the same… direction as you.”
His brow raised, surprised. “You mean like heaven and hell?” he asked, a smile in his voice.
She looked at him, confused, and nodded meekly. Wasn’t that the way it worked?
“It’s a little more complicated than that,” Alex said, and Tess flinched. Complicated. Even in death things had to be complicated. “Don’t worry,” he rushed on, at the look on her face. “What I meant was… nothing’s quite as black and white as that.” She still didn’t understand, though, and finally he said, “Tess, a lot of what you did… it wasn’t your fault.”
“But a lot of it was,” she said bitterly.
“You didn’t fully understand the choices you were making or the consequences they would have.”
The incredulity she felt forced her to finally stand and face him. “Why do you keep defending me? Why are you acting like I didn’t do the terrible things I did?” she demanded. She realized suddenly that what she wanted, what she was waiting desperately for was for him to yell at her, to blame her, to make her face up to the horrible person she’d let herself become. Why wasn’t he yelling at her, dammit? In desperation she flung a hand towards the ruins of the military base. “Just look at that! I killed everyone there, Alex. They’re all dead because of me.” Some of them may have deserved it, but some of them definitely didn’t.
“There’s always sacrifices in war,” Alex said, which didn’t make sense to Tess at all.
“Sacrifices? You call what I did to those people—what I did to you—a sacrifice?” her voice was practically a screech now.
Alex seemed to be waiting for her to collect herself, so while her emotions were still all over the place, she willed herself to appear calm so that he would answer her. “Tess… don’t look at it so much as what you did to them,” he said, indicating the still-burning buildings. “Instead…” he looked in the opposite direction, to the very spot where Liz had dropped her off, who knew how long ago, then back at her. “Instead, remember what you did for the others. For Max and Liz, Michael and Maria. For Kyle… for Isabel.”
His voice softened almost to a whisper when he said Isabel’s name, making Tess jump in surprise. It was the first time since Alex had appeared that he’d given any hint of emotion. She’d been so ready for his anger, or for his hurt, but the only emotion he allowed her to see was love. Why?
“I didn’t do anything for them,” Tess said automatically. She knew it was a lie, but even if it was, she didn’t deserve to be absolved of her sins just because she walked into a self-made trap.
“I don’t particularly care why you did it,” Alex said, though he looked at her as if he didn’t believe what she’d said. “All I care about is the fact that the people I love are safe for another day, thanks to you. That’s what matters.”
“Even if you can’t be with them?” Tess threw out, in a last desperate attempt to get him to turn on her.
Alex shrugged, though, impartially. “I can be with them. And they’ll be with me someday. For now they still have work to do.”
Tess opened her mouth to argue again, but Alex shook his head. “This isn’t about me, Tess. It’s about you. It’s time for you to let go, Tess.”
“I know I’m dead,” she snapped. “It’s not like I’m not accepting it. Don’t worry, your job is done.”
“No, that’s not what I’m talking about, Tess. You’re still holding on to this world. You’re still letting it hold on to you.”
“What are you talking about?” Tess asked, turning to him, her voice thick as her tears threatened to return.
“Like that,” he said, reaching out to wipe a tear away from her cheek. “You’re not really crying, you know. That lump in your throat isn’t real, either. You think it’s there, because that’s what you’re used to. You’re used to your body reacting to your emotions, but…” he trailed off, and she gulped, filling in the blank for herself. Her body couldn’t react to emotions if she didn’t have a body.
“But I still feel…” Tess started, weakly. She didn’t know how to continue. She still felt everything. Her throat burning, the stinging gash on her arm, the guilt, the pain…
“I know,” he murmured, coaxing. “It’s natural. But open your mind, Tess. You’ll see it’s true.”
Tess looked at him doubtfully. What he was saying didn’t make sense.
“Close your eyes,” he instructed. “Don’t be afraid this time.”
Not knowing what else to do, Tess closed her eyes, and again reached out with her other senses. Like before, they felt a little foreign, unfamiliar. New.
“Your arm doesn’t really hurt, does it?” he asked gently.
Tess was about to open her mouth, to say that yes, it did, but she stopped herself. Now that she couldn’t actually see the wound on her arm, she wasn’t sure exactly where the pain was supposed to be coming from, and before she knew it, she couldn’t feel it at all.
“It’s gone!” Shocked, she opened her eyes, only to wince and grab at her arm when she saw the gash still there.
Alex stilled her movements, though, and holding her shoulders, looked her deeply in the eyes. “Try it again, Tess.”
“But…” she started, but she stopped herself. His eyes were encouraging, and insistent. She took a breath and closed her eyes again.
“I can’t feel it,” she said, as the pain eventually left her again. She gasped softly as she felt a sort of change go through her, somehow intensifying everything she felt around her. “I… I can still feel things, but it’s different. Almost… clearer.” She still wasn’t sure how that even made sense, but it was the only wording she could decide on.
“Good,” Alex said, from close by. “You’re starting to let go of your physical boundaries. It’s an important step. Not the hardest one, though.”
She opened her eyes again, seeing him watch her with concern. “What is, then?”
“Letting go of everything else,” Alex said, with a sad smile on his face. “The hurt, the pain, the anger, jealousy, spite… every bad thing you’ve ever felt or seen or done.”
She trembled slightly. No, she didn’t, but she would have if she’d still had a body. “What about the good things?” she asked, softly. “Do I have to let go of those, too?”
Alex smiled softly. “Of course not.”
“I have to do this now?” she asked, meekly.
“Soon,” he admitted. “Otherwise, they’ll trap you here for good.”
Tess looked out over the desert, where the sun was beginning to rise. “My son?” she asked softly.
“He’ll be taken care of. You know that. He’s in good hands.”
She felt a wash of sadness as she looked across the desert horizon. She never thought she’d be sorry to leave this life behind her, as ruined as it had seemed to be, but there had been good points. She thought of Kyle. And the bad… how was she supposed to just pretend it never happened.
And then she realized something. “You did this too, didn’t you?” She looked at Alex. “You had to let go of the bad things in your life, too.”
He nodded.
“You forgave me,” she said, her voice soft and full of awe. “You forgave me for what I did to you.”
“It’s better this way, Tess,” he assured her, and somehow, she believed him. She’d always thought that Alex would have been trustworthy, if she’d let him be.
“I would have done it for you, you know,” he said, surprising her.
“What?”
“The programming. Deciphering the book. I would have done it for you, if you’d just asked.”
She pressed her eyes shut. “I know.” After a pause, she added, “I’m sorry.”
“I know. Don’t be sorry, Tess. Let it go. Just let it go.”
Tess closed her eyes again, remembering that painful realization, and tried to do as he said. Let it go. She wasn’t sure how, but she imagined it leaving her, dissipating in the heat of the desert sun that was beginning to rise. Heat she could no longer fully feel. She saw other things, too. Her jealousy of Liz, her frustration and anger at Max. She imagined flinging them away from her, one after the next, like they were poisons.
And as each left her, she felt a little more light, a little more free.
Eventually, she searched herself, and found only good, clean things. The shock of it almost hurt. She’d never thought that she could be so pure within herself.
She opened her eyes. There was still sadness for the things she was leaving behind, Kyle, Zan, but it was a good, clean sadness.
She turned back to Alex, and couldn’t help a rush of affection that ran through her at the sight of him watching her, pleased.
Tess looked to where the military base had been, but all she could see was the blinding light of the rising sun, gracing her with its beauty.
She was ready.
The End.