Walking Away M/L YTEEN [COMPLETE]

[kippy]

Title: Walking Away
Author: Kippy Kippy1932@aol.com
Rating: YTEEN
Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with the show, actors, writers, producers, network, or characters in Roswell. I only wish I did. The song used in Part I is "Fly" by Radford. The song used in Part II is "Walking Away" by Pound and the song used in Part III is "I'll Remember You" by Sophie Zelmani.
Summary: Plagued by troubling thoughts about his identity, Max ends his relationship with Liz
Category: M/L
Author's Note: This is not my best work, it's just a short little necessary in-between piece. It's the fourth in the series (Not So Secret Admirer, Get in the Game, Walls Come Crumbling Down, Walking Away, No Rhyme or Reason, Learning to Live Again, Choices, Gone 'til November)



For so long
You've gone on
Trying to see an end to it all
But I know
That your grip is getting loose.

Max Evans sat up in his room, staring out the window, up at the stars. He'd been doing that a lot lately. Just looking out and thinking. Wondering. About himself. About Michael and Isabelle. About he and Liz and the words Michael had said to him so harshly two weeks earlier. *You can't be together. You're not even the same species* And sure Michael had been upset at the time, but there was truth in the statement. Max knew there was. And he tried to push the thoughts out of his head, the thoughts that accompanied the statement but he couldn't. He couldn't dismiss the fact that since he’d revealed his identity to Liz, she had asked all of one question about him and about who he was. He couldn’t shake himself of the fact that she seemed to be able to easily forget about the fact that he was different. The fact that she didn’t seem at all bothered by the fact that he wasn’t even human. That she seemed to think he could do everything normal. That Tabasco sauce in his cherry coke was just his own weird dietary quirk. He didn't even know anything about himself, as if he could have answered any of the questions she might have had. But that only added to his confusion. It only added to his confusion and to his misery.

And you think
If you leave
The pain will go away
You don't know
That you need it to get through

The thought had entered his mind more than once the past two weeks he'd been with Liz. If he were to stop seeing her, if he were to put an end to it. He felt guilty seeing Liz so happy while he had these thoughts in his mind. He couldn't help it. He couldn't help them. They occurred because he was with Liz, because he was so happy with her, because of the feeling of normalcy that swept over him when he was with her, the feeling that he belonged there - with her. And the thing that was keeping him awake at nights was that he knew he didn't. He didn’t belong with her. Not now, not ever. He had to end it. No matter how happy he was, no matter how she made him feel.

'Cos I can tell by the things you say
That your feelings will never change
You'll keep coming back to what you know is true

He knew Liz wouldn't believe him. She would never believe that he wanted to break it off. That he wanted to end this incredible dream. It wasn't like he had woken up one day and stopped loving her. He still felt everything he had always felt for Liz. He always would. And Liz would know that. She would know because by now she knew him as well as he knew himself. No matter what he said to her, nothing he felt towards her had changed. And he could lie and lie and lie and Liz would know. She would know that it would all be a lie.

'Cos it's okay
To wanna be free
It's okay to spread your wings
If you know how to fly
If you know how to feel alive

Max stepped up from the chair and walked - almost as if he was in a trance - towards the door to his room. He had to do it. He, Michael and Isabelle were still figuring things out about themselves. About who they were. He needed to figure that out for himself. By himself. Without Liz. He didn't know enough about himself to be with her. For her to be safe, for her to be okay. And he slowly walked down the hall and out the front door.

So for now
You'll go on
You're crawlin' along for a while
But you're draggin' me down
You're holding me back
You're making it end

His legs felt like lead as he slowly made his way towards Liz's. He knew what this would do to her. He worried about what it would do to them. To the friendship that had made his life so much brighter. The friendship that he had grown to need. He would be crushing that along with Liz. His legs continued to move towards the Crashdown however. He would have to go on with his life. He had lived without Liz for ten years. He could live without her now. He knew it would be different knowing what he'd done to her though. Knowing that the pain she felt would be because of him.

And it's okay
To close your eyes
It's okay to fade away
If you don't want to stay
If you don't think you'll survive

As Max neared the Crashdown, all the reasons he had made for himself for doing what he was about to do vanished. He found himself at the backdoor of the Cafe and the thoughts about him needing to figure himself out, about it being impossible for he and Liz to be together, meant nothing. And the real reason he was doing it became evident. He was scared. He was scared to be with her and at the same time scared to be without her. And it was the fear of being with her that overwhelmed him. Everything he felt was part of that. Everything he felt was because he was scared. Looking up he found himself unable to lift his hand to knock on the door. He inhaled deeply and wiped his face with his sleeve - wiped his eyes. Ever so slowly he lifted up his hand and rapped his knuckles against the wood.

Cos you can fly

Biting his bottom lip to keep it from trembling he used all his strength to keep from turning around. There was no answer, yet he remained standing by the door and waiting.

You can fly

He rubbed his face with his hand again and tried to make himself look a little better, to make it look like he hadn't been up all night thinking about it, that his dreams hadn't been plagued by this matter every night for the past two weeks.

You can fly

Still no one came to the door and Max felt himself breaking down inside. He felt his strength going on him as he thought about having to tell Liz that he didn't want to be with her, having to tell her that he thought they didn't belong together. He thought about life - without Liz. The weight upon his heart at the last thought made him shift his feet and begin to turn around, to return home and get away from here - from these thoughts but the door swung open and Liz stood in the doorway. She looked at him, at his blood-shot and damp eyes. At the distraught look on his face.

"Max - are you okay?" she asked worriedly and the comment only seemed to bother him more. He didn’t say anything and his chin quivered. She stepped close to him and actually smiled. "Just tell me..." she said sweetly, moving closer to him and grabbing his shirt, drawing him to her like she always did when she was about to kiss him. It took all his willpower and it tore him up inside, but he pulled away from her.

"No..." he mumbled and Liz looked at him bewildered by his action. He had never done that before. Never pulled away. He always told her how everytime he kissed her was magic, how he was never able to break off a kiss because after spending ten years yearning that was the last thing he ever wanted to do. He hadn't broken off a kiss but he might as well have.

"What?" she asked, a growing sense of concern in her voice.

"No..." he repeated, "no I'm not alright."

"Max - what? What is it?"

"I have to leave," he said, his voice wavering.

"What're you talking about?" her eyebrows were sloped into a frown, "you just came-"

"No - ...this," he said softly, his voice nearly a whisper. "I have to leave this."

"Roswell?" Liz thought of the only thing that could make him so upset, "Are you - are you moving?"

"No - this!" Max said it with a sense of impatience. Impatience because this was killing him. It was killing him looking at Liz's confused face, looking at her knowing this might be the last time she looked at him like this. "I mean this..." he said softer, "you and me."

Liz looked at his distressed face and knew that this wasn't any sort of trick. She didn't say anything, but he could see her eyes begin to glisten with tears. She opened up her mouth like she wanted to say something but no sound came out.

"Liz," he said her name softly, unsure as to why.

"What're you..." she took a deep breath and tried to calm herself, tried to keep herself from collapsing onto the cement step. "What're you talking about?"

"Liz," he repeated her name, it was like his mantra - it kept him from breaking down. "It's nothing you did, you have to know that." She stood there, attempting to process what was actually happening. Everything about it seemed fake: Max breaking up with her - God, it sounded like a horrible dream - the way that he was doing it, the things he was saying. It all seemed fake.

"Max..." her voice drifted attempting to search for some sort of explanation. And he didn't have one.

"It's just..." *Just what? Just that I still love you? Just that I'm an alien and you're a human and that will never change? Just that I'm ending the one thing in my life I've ever wanted? Just that I'm completely terrified by the things happening in my life? At the fact that I care about you so much I'd risk my entire existence for you?* His mind raced with thousands of things to say, but he didn't utter a word. With his own eyes getting misty all he could do was begin to back up. "I have to go," he mumbled, backing further away from her. She took one step after him and opened up her mouth to cry out his name but no sound came out.

Max fought hard not to turn around, not to turn around and see her standing there. Don't look back. He said to himself. Whatever you do, don't look back. But halfway down the block he stopped in his tracks unable to keep walking away. He slowly turned his head. Liz was no longer in the doorway. She was gone. And slowly, ever so slowly, he began to walk away.






Everything will change
Memories will fade
Don't throw your pictures away

From the only window in her room Liz looked out across her balcony and watched his dark figure move slowly down the street and away from her. He had paused several times, and leaned down, resting his hands on his knees - like a person would after they had run a marathon, like someone struggling to breathe. But then he would keep walking. The pictures of she and Max, of their trip to Artesia, rested on her dresser - the one of her and him was framed and rested right next to her bed.

And if I had it I'd give it all to you
I'd give it up
So when you're
Alone in your prayer
Saying this isn't fair
I hope you don't think
I really don't care

She didn't budge until his figure was completely swallowed by the darkness and even then she didn't move. Not until it actually sunk into her head that Max had broken up with her. He had walked away from her. She dragged her feet slowly over to her bed and sat down, almost in a daze.

Much the same state Max was in walking home. Except he was more broken inside over what he had just done than she could ever be. He just wished he could let her know why he'd done it. He wished more than anything in the world that he could do something to make her okay, that he could change himself somehow for her, to stop her from feeling the way he knew she did right now. But just being who he was would hurt her.

I'm drowning
I'm drowning and you're telling me to breathe
And you're blind
Oh, and unkind
Is that really you?

Liz sat, seeming more dead than alive, on her bed. Leaning back against her pillow she sat with the same look of shock, of disbelief, of hurt that she had when Max had first said those words to her. It has to end...you and me. She couldn't dismiss the fact that he had walked away from her and from this. He had seemed as dead as she felt right now when he had said those words. It hadn't seemed like him at all. The way he hadn't even offered an explanation. She fought to hold back the tears and keep herself from crying. She had gotten on without Max for sixteen years, she had lived her life without him before. She could do this.

You're runnin' away no, no, no
From me
I'm trying to keep you
From walkin' away from me
And I wonder
And I can't hear you anymore
And I wonder
And I can't see...

*Why you go walking from me*

And she couldn't fight back the tears anymore. She looked to the smiling picture of she and Max and sobbed. She sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.

There's no use to keep trying
When you're walking away from me
Well I feel like I'm dying And you're walking away from me

She drew her knees to her body and lowered her head on them. She cried and cried, and found herself unable to stop the sobs that shook her body. She didn't bother to grab a tissue, didn't bother to wipe the tears that dripped down her face and dampened her bed. She felt too weak to do anything. It was like the life had been drained from her body. All she could do was cry and she didn't stop crying until her eyes finally closed, her head fell back onto the pillow and she fell asleep.






The clock in his room read 4:36, but Max hadn't even changed his clothes or even thought about crawling into bed. He sat up on the edge of his bed like he had since he had gotten back from Liz's. Sometimes he got up and stared out the window, sometimes he just stood there in shock over the night's events. Over what he did. His eyes were heavy, but sleep was the last thing on his mind and for the second time that night he found himself walking out of his house and towards Liz's.

He walked slowly through the dark and quiet streets. He was out well past curfew, hell he had been out past curfew earlier tonight, but he was extra quiet now. At 4:30 in the morning everyone was sleeping. Everyone but him.

Max found himself at the bottom of the ladder to Liz's balcony that he had climbed so many times. Still unsure of what he was planning on doing, he quietly climbed up the ladder, unable to keep himself from going to her. Her balcony, usually lit up with candles and lights, was dark and dead. He walked towards the window to her room and peered inside.

It's daybreak, and you are asleep,
I can hear you breathe now,
Your breath is deep

His eyes were transfixed on her. She was curled up on her bed, the clothes she had worn today were still on, and she was resting on top of the bed, without a blanket covering her. He was tempted to crawl through the window and tuck her in, but he remained motionless. Standing there and gazing in at her. He looked down to the object that rested in front of her on the bed. He couldn't make out what it was at first, but when he looked closer he saw it was the framed picture of she and him when they had gone to Artesia. He had given her that frame just last week. He looked hard at the picture, at the way it was resting on the bed. It looked like it had fallen out of her hand. As if she had been sleeping with the picture in her hands.

But before I go,
I'll look at you one last time,
I can hear a heart beat, is it yours or is it mine?

He knew he shouldn't be here, looking in on her like this. He couldn't help it, he had been drawn here. By the same force that had drawn him to Liz ten years ago, the same force that had kept him longing for her for those ten years. He felt something inside him that told him he should leave, that he should't be up on her balcony like this, spying in on her. He remained however, silent and still. All he wanted to do was to see her. To see her, seemingly content, despite what had happened earlier in the night. He looked in at Liz, at her hands resting on the pillow, her peaceful face, her eyes twitching slightly every now and then. He hoped she wasn't having a bad dream, he hoped the dream wasn't about him. He prayed she was dreaming about something other than what he knew he would be tonight.

I look at your lips, I know how soft they can be,
Did they know what they wanted, the times they kissed me?

His mind drifted to the past two weeks he had shared with her. The past two weeks of her lips on his, of she and him together. It had been two weeks of bliss. Two weeks of pure elation. Of heaven. It was over now though. Now it was all over. It had to be. Had she meant it all? Everything that had happened between them. Everything she had said to him. He knew the answer was yes, but he couldn't help but have his doubts. Had she meant it with him - an alien? Had she really acknowledged the fact that he wasn't really human at all? Or was it just something she had pushed to the back of her mind. Did she accept him? The real him.

And your hands, that I've held in mine,
Now they're reposing on the pillow,
Will they ever miss me sometime?

His heart began to break as he thought of the way had left Liz tonight. A complete wreck, eyes filled with tears, head spinning, her knees weak. She had looked as if she was about to collapse into a heap on the floor. And he had kept walking. He had walked away and hadn't looked back until she was gone. All the things that they had shared over - more than the past two weeks - the past three months he had shattered and ruined. They were all gone. The way she would smile at him from across the Crashdown, the way he would stay until the Crashdown closed, just to be near her for as long as he possibly could, the way she met him by his locker for half the periods of the school day, the way their hands would interlock under the table in bio. Oh God bio, his heart nearly slowed to a stop when he thought of sitting at the same table as her after tonight. Would she even talk to him anymore? If she didn't, would she still think about him the way he would about her? His head spun at the thought of Liz rejecting him, Liz not speaking to him. She had to know that he hadn't meant to hurt her. He was doing it because he didn't want to hurt her.
Because it was all for the best. Because being who he was, he could never make her happy.

For two silent, motionless hours he watched her sleep. He didn't move a muscle, he hardly breathed. He just watched her through the glass. He watched and all he could think about was the memories they had shared in just two weeks: the memory of her lips on his was vivid, as was the touch of her skin, her breath hot on his cheek or in his ear, her voice whispering his name in greeting ever-so-softly, filled with such love and adoration. He looked at her now through the window. It had begun to rain but he hardly flinched. The drops began to fall harder and more frequently, but he still didn't move. The rain matted down his hair, dripped down his face and soaked through his clothes. He remained looking in at her peaceful body though and remembered. All he could hold onto now were the memories. That was all he and Liz were now. A memory.

I'll remember you, you will be there in my heart,
I'll remember you, but that is all that I can do,
But I'll remember.