I Remember Liz PoV 17/11/03 YTEEN Complete

[Rain]

I Remember

Disclaimer: Don’t own ‘em just playin’
Summary: After Max in the City tied in with the story by Emily-"Beautiful"- UC on the Crashdown Fanfic Site at http://www.crashdown.com/fanfic
Rating: YTEEN
Lyrics featured: There are a lot of bands that I was inspired by - Tonic, The Calling, Dave Matthews Band, Uncle Kracker, The Goo Goo Dolls, 3 Doors Down, Creed

If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me

Well you got your reasons
And you got your lies
And you got your manipulations
They cut me down to size
Sayin’ you love but you don’t
You give your love but you won’t

Seems the road less traveled
Show’s happiness unraveled
And you got to take a little dirt
To keep what you love
That's what you gotta do

Sayin’ you love but you don’t
You give your love but you won’t
You’re stretching out your arms to something that’s just not there
Sayin’ you love where you stand
Give your heart when you can

If you could only see the way she loves me
Then maybe you would understand
Why I feel this way about our love
And what I must do
If you could only see how blue her eyes can be when she says
When she says she loves me

***********TONIC- IF YOU COULD ONLY SEE****************

When I saw him watching her, the way he used to look
at me before it seemed that our love was gone, and the song playing in the background, I knew for sure that I would be the only one to remember what we had, what we could have been. I wanted to burst out into hysterical giggles, he could have been singing this song to me, but my self-restraint didn't stop me from grinning amusedly as I served them their ice cream sundaes. Laughter was the only thing that kept me from thinking of what was left for me now, the only thing that kept the others from seeing the tears that had replaced my broken heart. But sometimes as I turned away to greet a new customer, I saw the flicker of worry cross their faces, maybe only strangers could see the truth shining behind my empty eyes.

We're friends now atleast and I don't care anymore about the past. It’s easier to say this than actually believe it. As I turned to place another order, I heard the music again and it sliced through my defences and tore at my eyes, stinging them with the tears I would never shed. I really hate The Calling, I really hate this CD, I really hate the radio station and I desperately despise this town.

So lately, been wondering
Who will be there to take my place
When I'm gone you'll need love
To light the shadows on your face
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then between the sand and stone
Could you make it on your own

If I could, then I would
I'll go wherever you will go
Way up high or down low
I'll go wherever you will go

And maybe, I'll find out
A way to make it back someday
To watch you, to guide you
Through the darkest of your days
If a great wave shall fall and fall upon us all
Then I hope there's someone out there
Who can bring me back to you

Run away with my heart
Run away with my hope
Run away with my love

I know now, just quite how
My life and love might still go on
In your heart, in your mind
I'll stay with you for all of time
If I could turn back time
I'll go wherever you will go
If I could make you mine
I'll go wherever you will go
I'll go wherever you will go

****THE CALLING-WHEREVER YOU WILL GO*****

I stood there not knowing that everyone except for the self-absorbed couple was watching me curiously. I snapped out of it and made my way to the order window disguising my pain with an easy smile. Humour comes easily when it can help deceive others and make them believe that you really don't care. I guess I'm not strong enough to swallow my pride and show what I'm really like on the inside; I did that once and look where it got me. He doesn't care anymore but I know that once he would have given up everything for this. So I went on with the agonizingly boring work, being a waitress was never such a horrible experience before but hey, what can I say, atleast things can never get worse. I hide it well but I guess it shows that I'm an optimist on the inside.

They left soon for god knows where, to make out, my heart whispered, but I quickly shrugged the thought away. All this heartbreak is becoming pointless to me now but a little voice whispers back, a voice I wish that would just disappear, 'you say this only when he's not there, your mind numbs when you watch him with those empty eyes of yours which glow for an instant but dissolve into darkness again as you see her by his side, fingers entwined, hands clasped tightly'. The radio was on a roll today and the next little ditty, is another song I wish had never been written, but I'm glad they're gone, now I can wallow in my misery in peace.

You cannot quit me so quickly
Is no hope in you for me
No corner you could squeeze me
But I got all the time for you, love
The Space Between
The tears we cry
Is the laughter keeps us coming back for more
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain

But will I hold you again?
These fickle, fuddled words confuse me
Like 'Will it rain today?'
Waste the hours with talking, talking
These twisted game we play

We're strange allies
With warring hearts
What wild-eyed beast you be
The Space Between
The wicked lies we tell
And hope to keep us safe from the pain

Will I hold you again?
Will I hold...

Look at us spinning out in
The madness of a roller coaster
You know you went off like a devil
In a church in the middle of a crowded room
All we can do, my love
Is hope we don't take this ship down

The Space Between
Where you're smiling high
Is where you'll find me if I get tickled
The Space Between
The bullets in our firefight
Is where I'll be hiding, waiting for you
The rain that falls
Splash in your heart
Ran like sadness down the window into...
The Space Between
Our wicked lies
Is where we hope to keep safe from pain

Take my hand
'Cause we're walking out of here
Oh, right out of here
Love is all we need here
The Space Between
What's wrong and right
Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you
The Space Between
Your heart and mine
Is the space we'll fill with time
The Space Between...

*****DAVE MATHEWS BAND-THE SPACE BETWEEN******

This is the one I hate the most, it just raises my hopes and makes me wish that he was dancing with me while it was playing. I haven't had his arms around me for a long time. Destiny is like the word I hate most in the world and if I'm working my way down a list of all things I really hate, 'not meant to be' would be right up there as the worst phrase I've ever heard. Some nights, last night basically, my skin felt so cold, I longed for his touch but then I realised how melodramatic I was being and even worse, that this time I didn't care if mom heard me cry and breaking our no talking policy, would actually broach the subject of clinical depression with me. That's what she thinks it is and I haven't the heart to tell her that I'm not diseased, atleast this way I can avoid being prodded by questions and being dished out bucket-loads of Ben & Jerry's in the hopes that I would spill.

If I haven't said this already, I really hate this town, all my life I wanted to leave as soon as I was able and make it big. Then I'd think back and feel sorry for all of them, never achieving their dreams as I did and I would laugh maliciously. My best friends seem to think that I've outgrown them and I cultivate this opinion of theirs knowing that this appearance of snobbery is all that keeps me sane. I'm not petty, just desperate to find a way out. What I wouldn't give for a life away from all of them where all problems are not of galactic importance or could serious affect me or my future.

Kyle walked in just then and I remembered all the fun times we used to have. We had actually been really good friends at one time for we liked each other and not because of some dark, deadly secret that could spell doom for the world, and long before the shooting and the whole sordid alien saga. Dad was behind the counter but came around it when he heard the next one that was streaming out of the speakers. It was a song that we had made a special dance to; Kyle knew it too. Much to the enjoyment of the customers, we began to perform side by side as my mother came down to watch us with tears of laughter shining in her eyes.

You don't know how you met me
You don't know why
You can't turn around and say goodbye
All you know is when I'm with you
I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singin'

Follow me everything is alright
I'll be the one to tuck you in at night
And if you
Want to leave I can guarantee
You won't find nobody else like me

I'm not worried bout the ring you wear
Cuz as long as no one knows than nobody can care
You're feelin' guilty and I'm well aware
But you don't look ashamed and baby
I'm not scared
I'm singin'

Won't give you money
I can't give you the sky
Your better off if you don't ask why
I'm not the reason that you go astray and
We'll be all right if you don't ask me stay

You don't know how you met me
You don't know why
You can't turn around and say goodbye
All you know is when I'm with you
I make you free
And swim through your veins like a fish in the sea
I'm singin'
****UNCLE KRACKER-FOLLOW ME********

It was the first time I had laughed so genuinely in a very long time and I didn't even notice the centre of all my misery walk in with beloved girlfriend, sister and best friend in tow and watch us with jaw agape. Kyle was the only one I really trusted from among them all for he was the one who stayed with me even when I pushed him away, the only one who was there, the only one who really cared. The three of us ended it with a flourish and grinned widely at the enthusiastic response we received. Dad and I hadn't even talked in such a long, long time but when I looked into his eyes, the ice melted, he bent down to brush a kiss against my lips in response to the look of happiness reflected in my eyes and went back to the counter. But sadly as I turned I was confronted with the one thing I wished would just wither away. The dull never-ending ache returned and I watched Kyle freeze up next to me as the next song began.

And I'd give up forever to touch you
'Cause I know that you feel me somehow
You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be
And I don't want to go home right now
And all I can taste is this moment
And all I can breathe is your life
'Cause sooner or later it's over
I just don't want to miss you tonight

And I don't want the world to see me
'Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything feels like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know you're alive

I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am
I just want you to know who I am

****THE GOO GOO DOLLS-IRIS************

Kyle whispered next to me, "I REALLY hate this song!" and Maria, who both of us hadn't seen walking up to the pod squad from behind us replied, "I second that!" and with a fake smile plastered over her face, she went up to them and took down their orders. "They sure do pack a lot for being other-wordly. Didn't I just see Max here with Tess like only a second ago?" Kyle and I stood transfixed, listening to the song, our arms tightly holding on to each other's. Maria had been very distant recently, I hadn't talked to her in so long but I returned her sarcastic smile when she made that last comment. She didn't know the truth, the rumour mill at West Roswell High was very unreliable, there were like a thousand different versions going around about Kyle and me but we chose to ignore them. He was my closest friend these days and I really didn't care what everyone else made of our friendship. It was the only relationship I had which didn't involve my soul being wrung emotionally dry and I was glad. The song really did a number on me, it was the one I used to love, the one I thought was meant for Max and me long before reality intruded on our idyllic little world.

Kyle had been mooning over Tess and I had found him a new girlfriend, she was a great distraction, really nice and since he was happy, I was happy for him. Our friendship was very strong and it was the one relationship I didn't have to work on, with him everything was on the surface; there was nothing to hide. Even dad liked him and since he was the only one who knew that nothing had happened between us, we actually started hanging out together, ironic much, huh? I hung around with his superficial and flaky friends and found the change invigorating. I could be whatever I wanted to be with them and I never got bored. When he wasn't with Lane, Kyle and I had sleepovers and since the whole Buddhist thing, we did a lot of bonding, watching movies until the morning and truly exasperating my parents with our non-stop chatter, they couldn't understand why Maria wasn't joined to hip with me as usual. Kyle was my rock and as Maria threw a worried look at us as she returned with their order, I quickly snapped out of it and led Kyle over to the booth furthest away from them and took down his order. He had tears in his eyes, I knew he missed Tess desperately but I saw that the look in his eyes was of sympathy for me. My own eyes answered his caring ones with unshed tears and I smiled at him tightly before going back to place his order. Kyle had snapped out of it by the time I returned with his food and he moved over to make space for me. We silently scarfed down his dinner and were wearing the same blank expressions on our faces until Lane walked in. I watched as Kyle's whole face lit up and I quickly jumped up to offer her my seat and brushing a gentle kiss against her cheek, I went back to work, the three of us were very close.

The pod squad ofcourse had fixed themselves in their regular booth and were showing no sign of leaving anytime soon. Every time I'd cross their booth, Tess would grin at me smugly and I just ignored her and walked on. What hurt the most was that Max continued to stare at her with that dreamy look in his eyes. No thanks to Tess, even Isabel knew about Kyle and my supposed amorous encounter. Isabel stared at me openly and was giving Kyle the evil eye. Michael was as usual, watching Maria with an awestruck look in his eyes and a grim expression on his face.

Isabel didn't understand how I could stand my ex-lover being with someone else or the fact that I laughed along with them as I returned with their refills, I saw the look of confusion in her eyes and she was the only one I was really afraid of. She was smart, much smarter than the rest and if I wasn't careful, she'd figure out the truth. At times like these, I ached to tell her, she was a loyal friend but so were Maria and Alex and even Kyle, who didn't know much anyway. But this was one secret that would go down with me. As overly emotional as that sounded, it was the plain, simple truth and something that I couldn't escape but would end up trying my level best to forget for the rest of my life.

Alex walked in just as the song ended and the radio show with it. Kyle and I both looked up at the ceiling at the same time and sent a silent prayer up to God. We recognised our actions and turned to smile at one another just as Maria came by and gave Alex a big hug. She led him to Kyle's booth and as Kyle and Alex greeted each other, she took down his order. Lane got up just then and left, as I went up to them, I noticed the morose expression on Kyle's face. Lane had to break the date, a normal occurrence for any couple but she didn't see the light shining so brightly in Kyle's eyes dim in response. I slipped in next to him and putting my arms around him, I let him lean his head against my shoulder. Alex raised his eyebrow at me and I smiled sadly back at him. Maria returned with his food just as Alex looked at me and then at the pod squad sitting across the room. His eyes hardened and he turned back to me with understanding as Maria slipped in next to him. The four of us sat silently staring at each other before Maria declared, "I've had enough! All right, that's it! Liz, your parents are going out for dinner tonight, aren't they? Well we're going to close early and have some fun, what do you guys think?" Kyle's head rose up with excitement and I smiled brightly at the three of them. Alex smiled back and resumed eating. Maria put on the radio louder at the song that blared from it.

He spent his whole life being too young
To live the life that's in his dreams
Then he lies awake and he wonders, why
Can't that be me
Cause in his life he is filled with all these good intentions
He's left a lot of things he'd rather not
Mention right now
But just before he says goodnight, he looks
Up with a little smile at me and he says
If I could be like that, I would
Give anything
Just to live one day, in those shoes
If I could be like that, what would I do,
What would I do
Now in dreams we run

She spends her days up in the north park,
Watching the people as they pass
And all she wants is just a little piece of
This dream, is that too much to ask
With a safe home, and a warm bed, on a quiet little street
All she wants is just that something to
Hold onto, that's all she needs
Yeah!!

If I could be like that, I would
Give anything
Just to live one day, in those shoes
If I could be like that, what would I do,
What would I do
What would I do
Falling in
I feel I am falling in, to this again

*****3 DOORS DOWN-BE LIKE THAT****************

She began to sing along loudly to it, my parents had gone up to pack for their romantic weekend and the pod squad were the only customers left beside us. Mom and dad came downstairs and kissed me goodbye, reminding me to lock up properly and ask someone to sleepover if I felt too scared. They didn't realise that nothing scared me now, not even loneliness. The pod squad left soon enough never looking our way, I guess it was one of Michael and Maria's off days, they didn't even kiss goodbye as she locked the doors after them. When the next song came on the three of us dragged Maria out of the kitchen and we began to dance wildly to the music forgetting that we had so many problems and even more complications. The song stole away the last of our reserve and tonight we were just four friends living it up, making the best of what we had.

Hello my friend
We meet again
It's been a while
Where should we begin?
Feels like forever
Within my heart
Are memories
Of perfect love that
You gave to me
Oh, I remember
When you are with me
I'm free, I'm careless
I believe
Above all the others
We'll fly
This brings tears
To my eyes
My sacrifice

We've seen our share
Of ups and downs
Oh, how quickly life
Can turn around
In an instant
It feels so good to reunite
Within yourself and
Within your mind
Let's find peace there

I just want to
Say hello again
I just want to
Say hello again

My sacrifice
My sacrifice

*****CREED-MY SACRIFICE******

So we danced all night long, Maria, Alex, Kyle and I, forgetting the love we were missing or the mess our lives were in. Because that night I knew that I was making my own memories to write my own songs some day, to help me make peace with my past and never again would I be borrowing words from someone else. And the truth of it all, friendship was the only thing that kept me from losing myself in the lies that had become my world.

It wasn't a lesson that I learned that night, it wasn't even a rewarding experience but something in my heart clicked right and I knew in that instant that it was going to be a very long journey. It would take a long time for my heart to heal but if it was open to friendship then maybe that wasn't so bad. And the truth that I had been disguising and the lies that I had used to deceive myself revealed themselves to me. Max was gone but I remembered the look in his eyes when we danced to our wedding song under the stars and I remembered his touch, his taste, his scent and that's all that mattered. Every memory of him was etched into my soul so that when tomorrow came I would remember and I would remember why....