Cheers, David / StargazerUKThe Letter ( Completed )
Author: StargazerUK.
Email: david.meade@virgin.net
Category: A/I, with M/L & M/M.
Rating: TEEN
Disclaimer: I don’t own any of these Roswell characters, I have borrowed them.( If I did Alex & Isabel would be living happily ever after. )
Author's Note: This was my second attempt at fiction so please continue to be gentle. This story is set around the end of the third season and is intend to represent a missing episode before “Graduation” which I hope would have made a lot of Roswell fans happy, especially Stargazers.
Chapter 1
Liz loved Saturday mornings. Well not all Saturday mornings because sometimes she had to work but on the occasions that she didn’t her thoughts were always full of promise, never knowing what the weekend might bring. Recently those weekends had brought lots of Max time, which she enjoyed more than anything. She and Max had been through so much this past year and with Max finally having his son safely returned to him it meant a tremendous weight had been lifted from both their shoulders. Liz could see the relief every time she came into contact with him.
Earlier in the week Max had given up his son for adoption to try and ensure a safe and happy life for the tiny infant. It had been agonising but Liz knew it was the right thing for Max to do. Liz was sure it wasn’t her own agenda that was causing her to think that way. They had already lost one person they loved dearly to the alien cause and the thought of losing a child, Max’s child, was too much to bear.
There was no doubt giving up baby Zan would be one of the hardest things Max would ever have to do yet if it meant keeping the baby safe and giving him a chance at a long and happy life it would be worth it in the long run.
As Liz made her way into the kitchen she wasn’t surprised to find that her parents were nowhere to be seen. They were already out of the apartment and getting on with their usual Saturday morning chores. As Saturday morning was the quietest morning of the week her parents used the time to make sure all the stock taking was up to date and that everything was how it should be. The health department had sprung surprise visits on more than one occasion. Nevertheless the family were pleased that the Crashdown had passed with flying colours on each occasion and Liz’s parents wanted to make sure it stayed that way.
Liz made her way down to the restaurant and saw her Dad sitting at the counter checking what looked like some delivery notes.
“Hey Dad.” Liz said as she joined her Dad at the counter.
“Hey Pumpkin, how are you this morning?”
Liz was convinced that no matter how old she got she would never be too old for pet names where her Dad was concerned.
“I’m good thanks.” Liz replied, getting up from the counter and making her way round the other side and helping herself to a cup of coffee.
“I’m not sure a young woman like yourself should be having just coffee for breakfast, let me get Jose to fix you some eggs.” Liz’s father was nothing if not concerned for his daughter’s welfare.
“I’m fine Dad, by the time Maria and Isabel get here and we get to the Mall it will almost be lunchtime and we will get something there.”
“Try and make sure it’s something healthy.” Mr Parker said, giving his daughter his most concerned look.
“I will Dad, have a little faith.” And with that Liz started to leave.
As she reached the door to the back her father called after her. “Liz be sure to pick up that letter that I left on the kitchen table, it arrived for you this morning.”
“I will Dad” Liz replied, despite not really taking any notice as she headed towards the back stairs leading up to the family apartment. Her mind was already on what type of shoes she was going to pick out when she went shopping with her girlfriends.
After Maria had picked up Isabel from her apartment the two friends had sat in a rather prolonged silence as they made their way over to the Crashdown where they were to pick up Liz. It wasn’t like Isabel and Maria were uncomfortable in each other’s company like they were when they first met. However both women were aware of the marital troubles that Isabel and Jesse were going through at the moment. He was having difficulty coming to terms with his wife being less then forthright with him when it came to knowing about her alien background. He couldn’t help wondering what else she was keeping from him and what other surprises lay in store.
Maria was finding it difficult to start and maintain a conversation without it appearing false or contrived. Isabel on the other hand simply had too many things racing through her mind to find the time for pleasantries. Love Liz and Maria as she did they wouldn’t be able to help her with the problems that she had created and she would have to deal with them on her own. When Liz mentioned the idea of having a girl’s day shopping Isabel thought it might be a nice break from her worries, giving them all a chance to bond. It had been quite a while since they had had any quality time together. Now that the day in question had arrived she wasn’t so sure it was such a good idea after all. She still couldn’t clear her mind with regards Jesse and she was beginning to think her two closest friends were not only feeling sorry for her but they may even be taking pity on her.
As the Jetta pulled up outside the Crashdown the pressure on the girls to create small talk was lifted and Maria couldn’t stop herself from smiling with relief.
“Here we go.” said Maria. “Once we pick up Liz we are 30 minutes away from shopping heaven.”
“Shopping heaven?” Isabel enquired.
“I have money, the sales are on and we don’t have the men folk to worry about, does it get any better than this…I think not.” Maria was positively beaming.
Both girls entered the Crashdown and made their way to the back with Maria saying hello to Mr Parker as well as passing one or two remarks with her regular customers who were enjoying their late breakfast.
As Liz came out of her room and headed for the kitchen she heard her two friends making their way up the stairs.
“Hey, I’m in the kitchen.” She called, as she placed her bag on the table and started to rummage through it looking for her purse.
“Hi.” said both girls as they entered the kitchen. Isabel took a chair at the table while Maria grabbed a glass from the cupboard and helped herself to a drink of water.
At this point Liz noticed the envelope that her father had spoken about sitting on the table. As she picked up the letter she couldn’t recognise the handwriting although she could see it had a local postmark. As Liz was about to open the letter she heard a sob and glanced across at Isabel and noticed she had started to cry. Apparently so did Maria. As Liz placed the letter back on the table Maria came over to Isabel, reached down and enveloped the sitting girl in a hug. Not standing on ceremony Liz came round to their side of the table and placed her arms around the two girls so that all three were connected.
After several minutes of hugging, by which time all the girls were crying, Liz and Maria stood up and busied themselves getting tissues to dry their eyes and clear their smudged makeup, giving Isabel a moment to collect herself. Once all three girls had recomposed themselves they sat down at the table. Liz and Maria waited to see if Isabel wanted to talk.
When Isabel had finally brought her emotions back under control see glanced at both girls and she could tell they were ready for whatever she had to say or whatever she needed from them. ‘When had she been so deserving of such good friends?’ She thought.
“I’m not exactly sure where to start.” Isabel began, her voice barely above a whisper.
“You know most of the story and most of the mistakes I have made. Even so it doesn’t make it any easier for me to try and put things straight in my mind.”
“Take your time Iz, we are here for you and you can take as long as you like.” Liz offered, trying to ease her friends turmoil.
“The sales will still be on next week Iz and if he isn’t a good boy I will make Michael take me so don’t worry about our trip to the Mall, we can go anytime.” Maria said with a smile.
Again Isabel wanted to cry although this time it was her friend’s kind words that were causing her sorrow and not her inner most feelings, which had been eating away at her for months now.
“There are a few things I have wanted to say to the both of you for quite a while, even though I was concerned I was just going to be unburdening my problems on to you…”
Both girls went to protest but Isabel raised a hand, stopping each friend in their tracks.
“I know, I know. Thanks to you two I have long since given up my ice princess routine which dictated that I do everything by myself. Even so it is still not easy for me to explain what has been going on and what makes it worse is that it is my own entire fault.”
Again both girls thought about making a comment however they could see that Isabel wanted to say something to them and now that she had apparently built up the desire to speak it was not the time to interrupt.
“I think the easiest thing for me to do will be for me to tell you it all, from start to finish. That way I am sure not to leave anything out. Would that be alright with the both of you?” Isabel asked, while looking from one girl to the other.
“Whatever you want.” Liz said, taking Isabel’s hand in her own as she sat beside the tall blond.
“Just let me get some more tissues.” Maria said, as she got up and grabbed the box from the kitchen counter and retook her seat across from Isabel and Liz.
Isabel couldn’t help herself and she started to smile. With friends like Liz and Maria she was already feeling better and she hadn’t even begun to tell them what was going on in her life.
To be continued…
Chapter 2
Isabel took in as much air as her lungs would allow and then let it out slowly. Once she had calmed her nerves she began her story.
“It may have been a girl thing or the fact that I am a born worrier. Either way I was always the one who was the most adamant that we should always keep ourselves to ourselves, no outsiders. All of that went out of the window the day of the shooting at the Crashdown.”
Isabel looked at Liz who gave her hand a squeeze of reassurance so she continued.
“After the initial shock of what had gone on and once we realised that we weren’t about to be taken away by the FBI we were able to return to some sort of normality. With Max now able to act on his long standing attraction to Liz and Michael finding that he couldn’t get you, Maria, out of his mind it became obvious that the plan to keep ourselves away from humans was a thing of the past.”
Isabel looked at both girls “Please remember this was before I knew either of you, before I realised what good friends you would become to me and my brothers.”
“We understand Isabel.” Liz offered. “Don’t worry about offending us, just say what’s on your mind.”
“All I ever wanted was to be normal, accepted.” Isabel was blatantly uncomfortable laying herself bare to her two friends, nonetheless she continued. “I know how shallow this may sound but with how tall I am and how I look it was fated that I would become a cheerleader and with that there are certain traditions to be up held.”
Maria looked a little confused so Isabel explained.
“Being a cheerleader meant I got to hang out with all the right people at all the right parties. I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I appeared to be getting everything I could dream of. I was being treated as one of the in crowd and more importantly I was being treated like everyone else.”
“Believe me Isabel, you weren’t being treated like EVERYONE else.” Maria said, with a smile “Although we get what you mean.”
Both girls where amazed at how open and honest Isabel was being. Despite the fact that they had known Isabel for the last couple of years neither girl had previously put themselves in her shoes. Now that they did they began to understand her attitude when they first discovered her secret and it was all starting to make sense.
“I soon discovered a flaw in my cunning plan.” Isabel said, giving both girls an embarrassed smile. “I discovered that boys on the football team expect a lot more than a nice smile and sparkling conversation.”
Liz gave Isabel a knowing smile as she nodded her head in agreement. “Kyle and I hadn’t quite reached that stage yet even though I knew he was getting pressure from the other guys on the football team.”
“At this point the Ice Princess was born.” Isabel continued. “I didn’t want to let anyone get too close so I decided to create this persona which allowed me to date guys and then dump them after a couple of dates and move on to the next one.”
Maria looked at Liz and a look of understanding passed between the two.
“My reputation spread through West Roswell like wildfire and it became something of a challenge to the jocks in school to see who could melt the ice princess.”
Isabel stopped and looked down at her hands. “It’s not something I am proud of even if it served its purpose. If it enabled me to stop anyone getting close the end justified the means.”
Isabel looked up from her hands and glanced at each girl in turn “Then you two walked into my life.” she smiled.
Both girls looked confused but were pleased by Isabel’s lighter mood.
“The only friends I had ever had were my parents and my brothers. Then you two came into our lives and I realised what I had been missing. Not just having a friend to talk about make-up or guys with but someone you could be yourself with, no hiding.” Isabel couldn’t help but realise how far she had come in the last couple of years.
“Then it hit me,” Isabel looked sad. “I knew that I would never have a soul mate, someone who could tell my innermost thoughts, just by looking at me and capable of putting the world to rights with a simple word or gesture.”
Liz couldn’t help but felt a pang of guilt. She knew beyond all doubt, despite good times and bad with Max, that they were soul mates. She had the same feeling about both Michael & Maria and Alex & Isabel. They were meant to be and as she looked at Isabel she could see for the first time that she was crushed. It wasn’t until that moment that she realised that even though she had lost her best friend when Alex had died Isabel had lost much more. She too had lost a best friend but she had also lost her other half. The thought of ever losing Max send a chill down her spine, which she hoped, would never be repeated. It was only recently that Liz had thought she had lost Max forever while she was away at boarding school. She still didn’t understand about Max ending up in the old mans body but she was grateful to have him returned to her, alive and well. As Liz looked at Maria she could guess that her friend was having similar thoughts with regards being thankful for still having Michael in her life.
“Then a certain incident involving Alex opened up my mind to a world of possibilities. However as soon as I contemplated what might be I started to recoil into my Ice Princess routine with the one person I should have welcomed with open arms.” With both Maria and Liz looking puzzled Isabel realised what she had omitted to tell them. “I dream walked Alex and found out how he truly felt about me.”
Isabel could feel the weight lifting off her shoulders as, for the first time, she unburdened herself of all the feelings she had been keeping bottled up.
“Once I started to let my guard down I began to notice little things about Alex which I hadn’t seen before or hadn’t let myself see. I knew he was your friend but the fact that we weren’t friends at that time meant I didn’t give it a second thought.”
Isabel paused to get another tissue from Maria before continuing.
“Even before I dream walked Alex I knew we could trust him, I just had a feeling. In spite of that I had to be sure of what his intentions were so I went into his dream and even now I still can’t believe what I saw there.”
“Iz, you don’t have to share anything that is too personal.” Liz said, as she was beginning to feel like they were prying.
“It’s OK. The one think I am sure of is that as Alex’s best friends he wouldn’t mind me sharing that special dream with you. I had dream walked most of the boys in our year at West Roswell out of curiosity and out of sheer boredom although for some reason I had never been into Alex’s dreams. I knew he liked me back then even though as the Ice Princess I just put him down as one of my many legions of admirers. As I think back to that time the fact that I didn’t dream walk him must have meant something although they do say that hindsight is 20/20 vision.”
Maria got up from the table and got a glass of water and placed it in front of Isabel from which she took a couple of sips and then continued.
“Then what followed was quite simply my most shameful display to date. You both knew how Alex felt about me, as did I, yet I just couldn’t make up my mind whether to let him get close to me or to continue to push him away.”
“Iz, you mentioned the dream and I don’t mean to be pushy….” Maria was a little embarrassed but she had heard both Alex and Isabel mention the dream but neither had ever expanded on it.
“As I was saying I visited most boy’s dreams and, surprise surprise, if the dream involved me it was normally quite seedy and sordid. I was beginning to think about giving up visiting boys dreams and only sticking to the girls when I saw what Alex was dreaming about and that all changed.”
Both Liz and Maria were almost on the edge of their seats. Neither girl would ever want to know any intimate details with regards Alex & Isabel however from the look on Isabel’s face and with Alex’s past record this wasn’t going to be anything other than romantic.
“When I entered the dream we were in the school gym. There was a dance floor with some music playing in the background and the lights were low. Initially I saw Alex and he looked so handsome in his Tux. What caught me by surprise was when a dream version of me appeared wearing a beautiful red dress.”
Maria’ face lit up. “Now we know where his fixation with you in red comes from.”
All three girls laughed. It was always the case that when any of them talked about or thought about Alex they ended up laughing or at least smiling.
“Then a song ‘Let me in’ began to play and he came over and asked the dream me to dance. It was so beautiful, so romantic. Alex told me that my icy exterior didn’t fool him and that inside the beautiful body was an even more beautiful mind. It was the first time someone had dared to look past the looks, the body and the ice princess routine and had seen what I felt was the real me. That shocked me more than I was ever able to say.”
Liz couldn’t stop herself from smiling. “I am sure the one thing we three girls will always be able to agree on is that Alex was a special guy, a one of a kind.”
Again all three girls found themselves smiling at the thought of Alex.
“From this point on I was all over him one minute and pushing him away the next. At my darkest moments since his death I would sit and blame myself for what happened to him and for wasting what little time we had together.”
“Isabel you shouldn’t think like that. There is only one person whose fault it is that Alex is dead and that person is Tess. For all the years we knew Alex I can tell you he was never happier than when he was with you. We have all had our ups and downs with one another but the night of the Prom when you were together on the dance floor will always be how I remember Alex.” Maria recounted, looking directly at Isabel.
“Yes Isabel. Even though I don’t have the fondest of memories when I look back at the Prom I must agree with Maria, Alex was never happier and I will always be grateful to you for that.”
At that point all three girls started to tear up again. Maria handed out the tissues while Liz went and closed the kitchen door to try and ensure some privacy for the threesome.
“I can’t really explain my behaviour with what followed. The only thing I could say in my defence is that I knew Alex was the only one who could get through to the real me so I pushed him away while Grant and that guy in Vegas couldn’t come close to touching my heart the way Alex could. I am just sorry it took until just before the Prom for me to realise that letting someone capture your heart isn’t necessarily a bad thing.”
Isabel got up from the table and took a couple of paces before turning to look at both girls.
“Please be clear I am not making excuses or looking for you to tell me it’s not my fault. It is my fault how I treated Alex and I have no one to blame other than myself. Having said all of that I can’t believe what I then did next. I spent years pushing away the man that was truly my soul mate, the man that was my real destiny and once I let that bitch Tess kill him the first thing I did was run out and get married to a man I hardly even knew let alone loved.”
At this Maria and Liz where taken aback. They each had their own feelings about Isabel’s actions after Alex’s death although both felt it was up to Isabel to make her own choices.
“I know I went from one extreme to the other and not only tried to let in a person I hardly knew but then to get married to him to try and prove to myself that I was ready to commit, even if it was no longer to Alex. Jesse really is a great guy but he doesn’t deserve me and neither did Alex.”
Liz stood up. “Hold it right there Isabel. I am happy to be here for you as a friend and a shoulder to cry on, we both are, but what we’re not here for is a pity party. We know you loved Alex just as much as we did, if not more. Do you think we would have stood by and allowed you to walk all over him if we didn’t think you two were meant to be together in the end?”
Then Maria stood up “Isabel, I will be the first to tell you that I stood in front of Alex and told him not to go within ten feet of you, that none of us should get involved with aliens. Despite saying that I then proceeded to have my own relationship with Michael. Now I can’t explain whether it is a human – alien thing or a fate thing but the one thing I am now certain of was that you and Alex were meant to be just as Liz & Max and Michael & I are meant to be. It didn’t mean it was going to be easy, true love never is, if it’s worth it you have to fight for it.”
Both girls returned to their seats and left Isabel standing.
“When I married Jesse both Max and Michael weren’t too happy about it. With me being pig-headed as usual I decided I would carry on regardless. Eventually I had to almost blackmail both my brothers into attending my wedding. Max clearly told me I shouldn’t marry Jesse without him knowing the truth about us. I went ahead anyway and that is the most recent of my bad decisions to come back and haunt me.”
Liz was confused by that last comment. “What do you mean, ‘Come back and haunt you’?”
Isabel started to cry again. “Jesse moved out this morning. He said not only could he not trust me as I had lied to him so much, he also wasn’t willing to take on the added responsibility of living life in constant danger. He didn’t like the possibility of being on the run, in constant fear of the unknown and not knowing who to trust. I know I have no one to blame other than myself and I’m am really not looking for sympathy I just need time to get my head round what a mess I have made of my life.”
Isabel came over and sat back down at the table.
“When I am at my lowest I sit and dream about a second chance. How I would do things over again. I wouldn’t have pushed Alex away. How Tess wouldn’t have been able to get within a million miles of him. How I would never have had to lie to get into a marriage with a man who was acting with the best of intentions despite only having half the facts. I wouldn’t have allowed Max to leave home and cause a rift between him and our parents. I wouldn’t have allowed us girls to drift apart until my need for my true friends made me realise what I was missing by not having you in my life.”
It was hug time again.
All three girls finally released each other from their sisterly grip and tried to recompose themselves. Maria put on the kettle to make tea while Liz searched the kitchen cupboards for the sweetest and most unhealthy food she could find.
As Isabel sat at the table she saw the letter that Liz was holding not long after she had come into the kitchen with Maria.
“Liz this looks like yours.”
Liz took the letter from Isabel. “God I keep putting this letter down before I get a chance to open it.”
Liz turned and took a knife out of the open cutlery draw. She sliced opened the letter, placed the knife on the counter and turned to face her friends with the small of her back resting against the kitchen counter.
As Liz scoured the letter she initially couldn’t tell who it was from so before reading it she turned the letter over to where it was signed and her blood ran cold. The letter was from Tess!
To be continued…
Chapter 3
None of the girls knew what to say. It would have been strange to just receive a letter from Tess at the best of times but to get one a few days after her death was beyond words.
Both Liz and Maria moved towards the table and joined Isabel sitting down. Liz glanced from one girl to the other and then proceeded to look long and hard at the letter. Her mouth had gone dry so she reached over and took a sip from the glass of water Maria had place in front of Isabel earlier. After a couple of deep gulps of air Liz steadied her nerves and began reading the letter out loud.
Dear Liz,
I must tell you I am taking great pleasure in picturing your face once you realise who this letter is from. By now, assuming all went as planned, I am long since dead and I am finally out of your life once and for all. Congratulations, you win!
It was clear from the start that Max was in love with you however when the fate of a planet rests on your shoulders you’ll find you are willing to go to desperate lengths to succeed in your goals as I tried and failed to do.
I hope you are sitting down because what I am about to tell you will shock you and change your life forever, all your lives in fact. What I am about to reveal to you is the truth. This is not one last attempt by me to mess with your brain from beyond the grave although I have no doubt you will not believe what I am telling you so I will have the satisfaction of knowing that, in the end, I did the right thing.
When I came to Roswell I hadn’t contemplated anything other than marrying Max, Michael marrying Isabel and the four of us returning in triumph to Antar to save our planet from civil war. You must understand that I was born to that destiny, it was what was meant to happen except our parents hadn’t counted on humans interfering when they formulated their plan. Despite what you may think it was never about you and me it was always about Max and what he was sent here to do. I didn’t take pleasure in causing problems in your life but I admit that I didn’t give your problems a second thought. I was sent here for a purpose and nothing was going to stop me from fulfilling that purpose.
Little did I count on Max’s love for you and his stubborn resistance to his and our destiny. I even tried to get Michael & Isabel to fall for each other with the dreams I sent them but even that wasn’t strong enough to get them to forget their human friends. I didn’t deserve to be treated the way you treated me and I wasn’t going to take all of your actions lying down. I could have succeeded in my goal if Max, Michael & Isabel weren’t so against their destiny. I blame you Liz and Isabel for what happened and I wanted to punish you, punish you all but most of all you Liz. I couldn’t hurt Max because he was to be my future husband but I knew how I could hurt you and how I could hurt Isabel…Alex!
Of all the group there was only two people that both you and Isabel had a close enough connection to for me to make you feel the way you made me feel. As I told you I couldn’t bring myself to hurt Max so that left Alex, the beloved Alex. If only you hadn’t gotten in my way or Isabel had been more forceful with Max and Michael I would never have been left out in the cold, cast aside like yesterday’s news.
What I needed to do was rip the beating heart from your chest the way Max did to me every time he denied our destiny.
Killing Alex was easy. He was always the most trusting of the group and he was always trying to make his contribution to the cause so when I suggested he help me with the translation of the book he was only too pleased to help. He most likely thought Isabel would love him all the more if he made a significant effort on her part, what a fool he was.
The thing that I can’t understand was my inability to kill him. Yes you heard me Liz, my inability to kill him. I tried and I tried but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I knew that if I killed him I would get the result I so desired, making you all suffer however try as I might Alex had never been anything other than kind to me which is more than I can say for any of the others. Let’s just say my human half must have taken over and prevented me from harming your little friend.
In spite of my lapse into humanity it didn’t stop me wanting to hurt you and hurt Isabel so I came up with what I deemed to be the next best thing. If I couldn’t kill Whitman I would make you think I killed him, different path same result. Making you think I killed Alex was easier than I could ever have imagined. I simply waited it out until a suitable body was delivered to the morgue. Some simple use of my powers removed any trace of a new body being delivered to the morgue where I had Alex, while being mindwarped, place the body in his car. I used my powers to change the body into Alex and I knew that Max would try to save him and the fact that the body was dead meant he couldn’t make a connection to tell it wasn’t really Alex. It was simple enough to mindwarp Kyle into thinking I had him carry Alex’s body to the car. Finally I mindwarped Alex into thinking that during a fight with some alien hunters he ran and hid so when he came out from cover all of you were dead including his beloved Isabel. I must say the price he paid for my punishment of you was more than you will ever comprehend. I had to make him think you all died because of him so that he would leave Roswell straight away allowing my “Death of Alex” scenario to unfold.
What, may you ask, has caused my change of heart? Zan. If you thought I would do anything to keep Max it pales into insignificance when it comes to what I would do to protect my child. You can imagine how desperate I was if I was willing to return to Roswell for your help. You should know I would have killed every man, woman and child in Roswell if it meant I was able to keep my baby safe. With what I am about to do at the air force base you can imagine I am willing to go to any extreme to keep Zan out of the FBI’s hands. With all of your help I believe I can do that and that is why I am willing to give myself up to keep him safe. If you are willing to help me keep Zan safe then I am willing to give back what I took from you.
As I said at the start of this letter I have no doubt you don’t believe a word I have written. If that is the case then I am happy for you to think that although I will say one final time, I did not kill Alex and he is out there somewhere. It’s down to you to find him.
Tess
Liz wiped away the tears that had been falling down her face. She looked at her two friends and was saddened by their expressions. Maria was looking directly at Liz willing the words to be true. Isabel’s eyes were glazed over. She showed no emotion and she wasn’t crying despite the tears that had welled up in her eyes.
No one spoke. No one moved. They just sat there.
To be continued…
Chapter 4
Alex woke up with a start! The cold sweats that accompanied his nightmares weren’t getting any better and they always left him with an unclean sensation. Even after he would take a long, hot shower he still couldn’t rid himself of that tarnished feeling. He checked the clock and it was still only 06:30, he groaned and covered his face with his pillow.
He hated weekends with a passion. They were the only days of the week where he found it difficult to control his day. For the rest of the time he was in college and he was able to follow his strict routine, which allowed him to rush through the day and keep his mind occupied. The weekends were a totally different animal. Whatever he tried and whatever he planned he was never able to fill his days the way he wanted, which always left him time to think, to remember and that was the last thing he wanted.
He’d spoken to a councillor about how to cope with stress and he had also invented a family catastrophe to cover the real reason for his nightmares and his reason for withdrawing from the world. He knew she wasn’t convinced about his story even though she continued to try to help him, which gave Alex an outlet for his feelings. He knew that both he and the councillor where playing a type of game and he felt he was getting the benefit from it without letting his secrets out and she felt he was gaining from the experience even if he wasn’t being total honest.
As Alex lay in bed he knew what was coming. He would try and avoid it even though he knew it would only end up follow him all day, leaping out at him when he was least prepared to deal with it. So he steeled himself for the waves of guilt that would pass over him when he thought back to that time just over a year ago. Had it really only been just over a year? He’d lived every day as though it would be his last and tried to let it all wash over him. Despite that course of action he found it still dragged by no matter what he tried.
The first thing he always remembered was her face. Sad as he was and as lonely as he would always be he couldn’t help smiling every time he pictured her face. Alex had seen many beautiful things throughout the world, with the help of his beloved internet, however he was sure he had never seen anything as beautiful or as radiant as Isabel. Despite the fact that he was working with the benefit of hind-sight he felt he should have known Isabel was at least part Alien as she was too perfect to just be of this world. Then his mind would turn to his girls. Liz & Maria had been the centre of his life for so long that he couldn’t remember the time before they were there for him. Even when he was in full pursuit of Isabel he always fell back on his girls to council him and to help mend his broken heart. Even the thought of Max & Michael filled his heart with joy because he knew that both Liz & Maria had found the true men of their dreams and that both guys had made his girls very happy.
Then Alex would realise that they were all gone. Not only were they all gone forever. They were gone down to his own cowardice. As much as he had tried he couldn’t stop himself from reliving that days’ events and each time he replayed it he still couldn’t reconcile his actions with the type of man he was. No matter how scared he was or how dangerous things would get he would never turn his back on a friend and especially not a friend in trouble.
Alex glanced at the clock and it still wasn’t even 7am and yet he knew he still wasn’t finished reliving his nightmare.
When he thought back to when he entered the school gym and the scene of devastation that lay out in front of him he still couldn’t stop the tears from trailing down his cheeks. The people, other than his family, that he loved most in the world and who he planned to spend the rest of his life with enjoying adventure after adventure lay dead on the floor. Alex could still remember the aftermath of the fire fight which had taken place and he could smell the burnt flesh that still hung in his nostrils over a year later.
When Alex left Roswell he didn’t have time to pick up any belongings so he had simply left in what he was wearing. He still had his most treasured possessions, a picture of Isabel and a picture of himself with his arms around Maria & Liz. He would always be grateful to Tess for helping him over those terrible times and for using her powers to create new papers for him. He had tried to ask Tess to help him create a new identity only for her to convince him there wasn’t any need for that as it wasn’t like anyone would want to come looking for him after what he had done, or not done as the case may be.
He enjoyed college as long as he kept himself busy. He found that simple enough to do as during the week his job in a local coffee shop kept him occupied although the manager, who was turning out to be a good friend, would not let him do the hours he was currently working and work at the weekend. He told him he could do one or the other but not both. He had thought about joining another band however after what had happened in Roswell he never felt the urge to pick up his guitar, let alone sing.
With college and work during the week it meant he would do all his course work at the weekend, which suited his current situation fine. He would still have trouble keeping his mind busy, hence the dislike of weekends although he was sure it could be worse and it was certainly better than he deserved. Socially he was an outcast, which suited him and he would do anything for that to continue. He had the occasional chat with people from class and every now and again a woman would try to make conversation with him as he worked at the coffee house. He became quite good at politely declining the opportunity to get to know them better and carrying on with his work.
When he was at his lowest ebb he had contemplated taking his own life. He was pleased to note that those occasions were becoming less frequent. That wasn’t because he didn’t deserve to die a long and slow death, more that he was trying to make something of his life out of respect for his friends who had given up theirs for one another. Something, it would appear, he was incapable of doing.
Even though he spent most of his time trying not to think of his friends, on the occasions when he couldn’t help himself he would try to think about what they would be doing now or what would have happened if they had all stayed together.
He couldn’t picture Max & Liz staying single for much longer and in fact he thought the same for Michael & Maria. If there is one thing better than having a great couple of friends it is having a great couple of friends who get to be happy, as they deserve.
Alex was doing it again. Whenever he allowed himself to think like this he would quickly forget that no matter how happy Liz & Maria were when he last saw them they were gone and it was his fault. Logic told him that even if he had stayed with them they still might have died. It was the small possibility that he could have done something more that was eating away at him, day in and day out.
What about Isabel? He tried not to think of Isabel most of all because when he did he found he would only have selfish thoughts about her and it made him feel guilty. He would long for Isabel every waking moment of the day so he stopped himself and when he wasn’t having nightmares has was dreaming about her all night, which he couldn’t prevent. Should something have ever happened to him he hoped she would have moved on and found someone who would make her happy, after a suitable mourning period of course! If he thought about a scenario where they were all back together he could only ever picture Isabel in his arms the way he had always wanted it to be.
Alex still didn’t know what his life held in store for him. He thought about returning to Roswell or phoning his parents even though, with his lack of action during the crisis, they would hardly welcome him home as a hero. What would he say to the Evans family, or the Parkers or Amy Deluca? He couldn’t face them then and he can’t face them now. He couldn’t even bring himself to look on the internet for local news stories from Roswell. When he left he left for good. He also thought about trying to contact Tess or Jim Valenti despite the fact he had no idea where Tess was now and Kyle’s dad would only try to talk him into coming home which he didn’t want to do.
07:30. Could the morning be moving any slower? He doubted it.
Despite feeling he was still the same person everything about Alex’s life was different than before he left Roswell. His friends were all gone. He barely listened to music let alone wrote new songs or played in a band. He was still a fan of computers but he no longer had as big an interest as he once had and he barely kept his web site up to date. He still found it very relaxing to write his top ten lists no matter how difficult it was becoming to find topics to write about. That was what forced him to recreate his old web site with his famous, or was it infamous, top ten lists.
He would get up at 8am. There it was, the most difficult decision of the day over with so he could now relax and wallow in his self pity and carry on beating himself up.
Maybe he could go to the gym. Liz & Maria would have been impressed as he had taken to going to the gym as an outlet for his time and his councillor thought it was a good way for him to release his pent up anger. Although he was no Mr Muscles he often got admiring glances from the ladies and he was confident he wouldn’t get sand kicked in his face if he ever went to the beach. It was just another thing that he told himself he was trying to make up for. If only he had been stronger or more of a man he could have helped out more, preventing the deaths.
It was how he was beginning to see his future. No matter what he would do or where he would go he would find a way of turning it all back to Roswell and his lack of spine. Now that he thought about it his inability to take his own life was another indication that he was truly the coward he professed to be. He was even a failure at being a failure which, he felt, summed him up.
Alex threw back the covers and climbed out of bed. That was it, he had had enough of his self-pity and he was going to get on with his day. It may only have been 07:50 but if he had stayed in bed one more minute he wasn’t sure what he would have done.
As Alex walked into the bathroom he took a long hard look in the mirror. He had changed in so many ways but he didn’t look too different. He was broader in the shoulder and more heavily muscled, thanks to his gym workouts but he was still Alex Whitman, class geek but it was a mantle he wore well. He tried not to think about Isabel and her long, blond hair. The one think that would always be a constant when it came to Isabel was her long blond hair. That would have never changed.
Alex couldn’t help wondering why he found that last thought so amusing. He even started to chuckle to himself as he stepped into the shower, what could be funny about that?
To be continued…