Author: Lindsay
Rating: YTEEN
Disclaimer: Do. Not. Own.
Summary: One shot, one kill. Tess POV on...herself.
Author's Note: Still trying to work out some things in my head, and this is the result. It's short, but sweet. I hope it makes sense...it does to me, but it's pretty late at night and I'm not feeling very creative lol. Lyrics are from "Alone" by Ben Harper.
Also, proof that great minds think alike: It Didn't Have to Be This Way. I'd suggest reading this fic, too, since it's better than this one.
This empty room, it fills my mind
Freedom is lease make it fine
Every single rope has break
But in this life you can't turn back
I don't want to live,
I don't want to live alone
Alone
As these words are with my tongue
I question why they even sound
I have promised but I lied
I don't even know myself inside
I don't want to be,
I don't wanna be here alone
Alone
Today and tomorrow have become one
Every single thing that has become none
Your monday child is a beast
What I've done most to show at the least
Please don't leave me here,
please don't leave me here
Don't you leave me alone, alone, alone
I didn’t mean for him to die. You don’t have to believe me; I know how I’m perceived by others. Manipulator. Interloper. Outsider. Liar. Schemer. Slut. Maybe I’m all of these things, but I guarantee I’m more, as well. More than you ever knew.
I’m capable of feeling remorse for the wrongs I’ve done. At the same time, I understand the reasons behind them. When something’s been shoved down your throat since you were first able to comprehend, it’s hard to break free from the mold. For me, that mold was destiny. Max Evans. Max represents yet another regret. But we’ll get into that.
Like I said, I never meant for Alex to die. I never meant to hurt anyone. That might sound ridiculous, seeing as how my entire mission was to see the others sent straight into Khivar’s hands, but it’s the truth. I did what I was meant to do, and I’m not proud of it. The tears I shed for Alex were real. He was an innocent, something I don’t think I really understood until it was too late. I still remember his screams in my mind; the look on his face as he crumpled to the floor. It haunts me, and I can never forget.
There were times when I wanted to forget everything, to turn away from what Nasedo had taught me. Nature over nurture, which is stronger? We all had a role to play, and I played mine to perfection. The bride. The queen. The other woman. Once again, I’m all of these things…and yet so much more.
I had feelings. I had dreams. I became the very thing I was trained to despise: human. Humans make mistakes, and I made my share of them. Maybe some were worse than others, and perhaps forgiveness only goes so far. I wouldn’t know, because I never bothered to ask for it. Not out loud. Not from the living.
Maybe I expected too much from them. I never thought I’d have to fight my way towards acceptance; that was something Nasedo had failed to teach me. Maybe that was why, for a time, I became so distracted with gaining their approval. All I longed for was to be wanted. Duty be damned, I was tired of being alone. Which brings me to Max.
Max Evans. My destiny. Have I ever learned to hate a word more? And yet I fought him every step of the way, waited until he was willing and eager for my machinations, even knowing that there was something else I wanted. Someone else. But once again, the voice of temptation whispered in my ear and changed my path. And I turned a blind eye and followed. It was appallingly easy to slip back into my old cast.
Liz saw through me from the beginning. She was a complication I never expected, but one I assumed could be easily pushed aside. Maybe it worked for awhile, but I’m as guilty of underestimating her as the others were of trusting me. The moment she blasted me into the wall was the moment I grew to respect her. Finally, she’d grown a pair. And I desperately needed to bear the consequences of what I’d done. Still, I lied…again…to protect myself. I guess self-preseveration outweighs penance.
Isabel and Michael, strangely enough, were the two I expected to be easiest to persuade. And yet, they were the two who most easily resisted my efforts in the end. I chose Isabel to begin my integration into their world, believing she’d be the best avenue to get close to Max. I looked at her and saw a vapid shadow of myself. I underestimated her, as well. And her dedication to a goofy human with a crooked smile.
I think that Michael wanted to believe me, at first. Or maybe he needed to. Perhaps he just wanted to disagree with Max; I don’t claim to understand their relationship, even after everything I’ve seen and been through. But I staunchly believe that if I’d asked then, Michael would have done anything to leave that place. In a way, we both came to appreciate, and maybe understand, this world together. Obviously he was stronger than I could have been.
If I could have been stronger, it would have been for Kyle. And therein lies my greatest regret. The fact that the first person I truly came to care for, was the person I cheated the most in the end. I guess it’s all relative; some would say I’ve damaged others in a far worse way. I’d tend to agree, only they never saw the look on his face when he realized what I’d done. What I’d used him to do. And all because he made the mistake of caring for me, of trusting me. Of wanting to protect me. He never thought to protect himself from me.
There were others, of course. And I’ve wronged them all. In every way possible I’ve turned my back against the people who could have possibly saved me. In the end, nature won. I became what I was programmed to become, and I’ve learned to live with myself. I learned to give up my dreams, to mask my true feelings. I’ve given up on forgiveness. I’ve learned to live alone.
I no longer wonder, was I friend or foe? Villian or victim? Maybe I’m a little of both, but I’ll let you decide. After all, every good story needs a bad girl.