Credit for this amazing banner goes to ps_dreamer.
Author – Xsara (ros2nz)…….yeah, yeah. Sarah’s the other one….
Disclaimer – nothing’s mine…except my anger at the injustice done to one of the best couples ever. Hell, if I owned something of R, I’d be sure to give writing privileges to all you guys……..and zilch to that bastard Katims.
This was originally supposed to be my own story but apparently I’ve accepted a challenge by Venus_star2.com (which I still don’t recall). So I’m doing this.
Category – Zan/Liz/Max
Rating – TEEN, for now. Maybe it’ll go up to MATURE. I dunno.
Summary – all of the gory s3 happened, right up to Ch-ch-changes.
Liz leaves…the whole Isabel shooting thingy takes place but Max turns on his flip switch. Guessed it….enter Zan da Man.
Feedback – oh yes, please. I know I suck. I just wanna hear how bad.
Author’s Note:
I started this when I didn’t even know that I actually was going to do Venus’ story so the beginning will be a bit different from the actual challenge.
Prologue.
Michael came into the apartment, rifling through the mail. One envelope was for Max, which he tossed at him. Resting his head on the counter, Max didn’t look up.
Michael said, “Max, letter.”
Max didn’t stir. If it wasn’t for the slight movement of his shoulders, Michael would’ve thought he was catching some zzzzzzzz.
He tried again. “Maxwell.”
No response.
Michael, for a guy who ignored everyone AS and WHEN he liked, simply hated being ignored. He leaned over and tapped Max on the shoulder.
“MAX.”
Max looked up. Michael drew in a breath. For one second, Max’s eyes looked as empty and dead as alien eyes were supposed to be.
“What?”
“You’ve got mail.” Michael made a passable imitation of Meg Ryan. Max didn’t even crack a smile. Michael swore inwardly. Of course, he’s worried about Liz. Then again, considering all that had passed between those two, he wasn’t too sure.
How ironic is it. Two years ago, I never in my life would’ve even doubted that Max would NOT be worried about Liz. Now, I wonder if he even got through to her.
This is a lesson, Michael. Love changes everyone……and not always for the better. Learn it now before you get burned too.
Oh gee, isn’t this the part where I say “it’s already too fucking late?” Stopping his monologue with his annoying conscience, he looked over at Max.
Max was staring at the envelope, feeling a thousand nameless demons converging upon him like the Horsemen of the Apocalypse. He just knew that letter was trouble. Turning it over, he saw his name written on it by the hand of one Elizabeth Parker, human extraordinaire, love of his life, reminder of how Destiny wasn’t Destiny….it was a convenient excuse to take over and control you like a puppet. Well, one very pissed-off human, and very rightfully too.
He knew he should read it but he couldn’t bring himself to do it. He wanted to prolong the inevitable for as long as he could…knowing in that dump that passed for his heart, it was futile.
“Max……I’m going to the Crash for breakfast. Coming?” Michael hadn’t recognized Liz’s handwriting but the expression on Max’s face was something to be scared off. At least he was scared. Every time he wore that expression, he turned into a pissant zombie His Royal Highness, Zan da fuckin’ Man……and that was one person Michael could barely tolerate. He had to employ all his self-control not to blast Max on the spot. O well.
Max glanced at Michael, not really seeing him. “Why don’t you go? I don’t think Liz is really up to seeing me right now.”
“You wanna talk about it? How is she, by the way?”
“Far from fine. I couldn’t heal her.”
Ouch. How that must hurt. Keeping his smirk to himself, he turned to Max. “Why not?”
For the first time since Liz had slammed the window to his face, he allowed himself to start feeling. “She didn’t trust me.” Bad move. His lungs felt like lead.
Michael was seriously pissed off at Max. Why did he always dump his relationship problems on him? If anyone bothered to ask Maria, she’d tell them exactly how great I am with relationships. “Oh?” That should shut him down.Max smiled, albeit dryly. “What? You don’t think it’s possible?”
Michael stared Max straight in the eye. “I do.”
Max flinched. Michael felt sorry about that. The bugger was definitely looking for some hope but then again, Max should know this was him he was asking for hope. Him. Michael Guerin, Rebel without a cause and most of the times, Rebel without a clue…..hope? He didn’t know that word. Anyways. Max was still sitting there with the envelope, looking at it like the paper was gonna bite him.
“Why don’t you see what mail you have, then. I’ll bring some food back with me.”
Max turned the envelope over.
Max
He casually looked up at Michael, although casual was the last thing he was feeling.
“You mind?” gesturing to the letter.
Michael rolled his eyes. Proprieties were always lost on him. “Sure….yeah, whatever. See ya Maxwell.”
He was halfway out the door when he turned back…..only to see Max slicing the envelope open.
“Max?”
Max jumped. Michael stared. Now why the hell would a letter give Max the willies?
“Maxwell, is everything alright?”
Max was getting distinctly irritated. Getting over his nerve was hard enough, he didn’t need Michael on his case too.
His tone was harsh. “Fine. Can you please leave?”
Michael’s eyes narrowed. “Sure.” You scumbag…….see if you get any food today.
He slammed the door shut.
Max was alone, with the letter and all the turmoil in his soul.
Why can’t I just pick it up? SheeeZUS, when will I ever get back any shred of self-worth? Even a little pride and dignity would be good. Scratch all that….could you please spare me some guts? Enough balls to even read the letter? Please?
Oh God, please, don’t let this be happening.
Pick it up, damn you. Pick. That. Up.
His hands shook as he ripped the envelope in two. He held the folded sheets of paper in his hands.
*flash* Liz, sitting in front of her dresser, writing something.
Pain. Dark and swirling, it engulfed him. Everything seemed so…..bleak.
He opened it.
Dear Max,
What’s so great about normal? Do you remember when you asked me that?
That had to be one of the most shatteringly heartwarming moments of my life. You were telling me all the things I’d hoped, prayed to hear from you…..and you were drunk.
But all I had to do was look into your eyes and God, Max….drunk or not, your soul was there for all to see….and it was screaming with all the love that you had for me. All the emotions you had to bottle up inside of you during the clear light of the day, maybe even during the darkness of night. That night, though, it was hanging all out. I was so sure you didn’t mean it, but I’d have had to have been blind not to see how much you loved me. When you kissed me, up on that stage, I wonder if you knew what a signal you sent out. It was like you were marking me…..claiming me. And to hell with what Fate or Destiny had in store for us. It was a significant defiance against the powers that be. I don’t think I ever felt so loved.
Your comeback to reality was a scenario I expected. I knew you were going to run. But you also flooded me with hope. I think I realized then, for good, that we’d be together. Someday.
I didn’t take Destiny into account. I should have…but I didn’t. I should have taken REALITY in to account, but I didn’t do that, either. C’mon, I knew we were different…that it couldn’t be. Still. I went against all my logical conclusions (and Maria’s persistent human-alien-relationships-are-bound-to-be-disastrous rants). Do you know why? Because even after all the things I knew, after every shred of evidence that we were indeed, different and that it could never possibly be, I still believed. Why? Maybe because nothing ever felt more right to me. Nothing ever felt more REAL.
Tess’ arrival started everything, didn’t it? It all started to fall apart. I still feel….nauseated when I think of you two kissing in the rain. Clinging to hope when there is none is hard, Max. Back then, my-forever-the-optimist-self thought everything would work itself out…all because I could look into you and see, that despite everything, you still loved me. Rest of it didn’t matter.
I’m sorry I hurt you when I ran that day, Max. Night after night, I would look out at the beach, near my aunt’s home in Florida and wonder WHY I had run. But it was for the best. I knew that and I clung to that. Seeing you after coming back to Roswell was heart shattering, to say the least. Every time I saw you, I could see the hurt in your eyes. The guilt killed me inside. Slowly. And then……all hell broke loose. You weren’t just hurt after it. You changed, too. Now, I have say to say something which is probably one of the reasons why we ended up the way we did. Listen carefully……for this is probably the only time you’re ever going to hear of this.
You remember the night you came to serenade me….with the mariachi band? Do you remember changing the red roses to white? I knew you were going to do it, Max. I knew about it even before you threw them. That’s because a future version of you, from 14 years ahead, to be exact, came to pay me a little inter-timeline visit. He told me that we were getting in over our heads again and that the closer you and I got, the more fed-up got Tess. She eventually skipped town. Of course, I wondered why that was a bad thing….the slut didn’t do anything except ruin my life. But Future Max…..who btw, was a really tiresome, demanding ass told me that you guys – Tess and You, Michael and Isabel made a complete fighting unit and without one of you, you were less effective. Weak, actually. 14 years from then, your enemies came to Earth and the world was going to hell in an alien basket. You couldn’t fight back because you were outnumbered and overpowered. End result wasn’t too pretty. Humans died. Michael died and Isabel died. You…HE, had only enough time to come back and prevent all this from happening. So he did, apparently at my future self’s insistence. Guess some things never change, huh?
So, anyway. What he basically wanted me to do was to make you fall out of love with me. So I tried my damnednest to look you in the eye and make you see that it was over between us, that it truly was over. Looked like I didn’t do a good job. Well, I knew it…I could see it in your eyes. You were stunned, hurt, bewildered at where all of it was coming from. See, you weren’t the only one who had turned watching someone into an art form…I could read you pretty well, too. I know you felt guilty. You did, didn’t you? Even through all the heartbreak I was causing you with each and every word, Max, you still felt guilty…because you probably thought I did feel that way .I didn’t, Max. I never did. And I lied when I said I wouldn’t die for you…I would. I was. I was bleeding to death inside. And I’m sorry for saying all of those things, playing on your guilt like that. I had to, I didn’t have a choice…the world would have ended if I didn’t make it work. I told you about Kyle and I in bed together, didn’t I? When you thought you were leaving for Antar? Since you didn’t ask why then, I’m telling you now.
I lied, Max .I never slept with Kyle. Since all else had failed and F.Max was getting more and more worried that the same things would happen all over again, I tried the very worst thing I could think of. I knew this would get to you because if it had been ME in your situation, I would’ve walked away too. So I asked Kyle for his help and we just arranged it so that during the night of the Gomez concert when you were coming to my room…you know, to “cement” things, as he said, you would find Kyle and me…looking like we’d slept together, when we really hadn’t. It was a setup…just like the one with Tess. I was completely desperate and I couldn’t take it anymore so I chose the worst-case scenario. Needless to say, it worked.
The look on your face will probably haunt me for the rest of my life. God, Max, if you only knew how I felt then……I could practically see you breaking. It killed me to see you in so much pain. Well. After you left, F.Max told me that it worked. He left, since the world was once again safe. *Sneer* That pathetic jerk didn’t know what he made me do. The only reason I didn’t deny him was because I looked into his eye and I could see his soul, the same way I used to see yours. And it was being eaten alive with guilt, remorse, pain, name any negative emotion and it was there. How could I not try and dissipate a little of that? You probably would’ve done the same if it was me looking at you like that…hopeless, helpless and almost broken.
I don’t want to rehash everything. I just wanted to clear this up with you. I need for you to try and understand why I did what I did. Well, may be that’s not the only reason.
I’m suffocating here. Not only did I save the world from it’s so-called destruction…I made two things possible. Two of the things that I would never EVER in my life make possible, willingly. You slept with Tess and created a child. Alex died.
God. I’m a mess. Alex’s death is something I keep saying I couldn’t have prevented…may be for the reason that I didn’t know that Tess couldn’t be trusted. After all, the plan was to get you two together. I’d hardly want you with anyone…much less a murderous bitch.
See, if Alex was here, he’d try and exonerate me from all guilt. But I will never be free of it. I will never EVER forgive myself for the role I played in this…unconsciously or not. As for your sleeping with Tess, well, I know I was really harsh with you in the desert. Truth is, I never believed that you would go for her. I know I was the one who’d pushed you towards her but somehow I just never thought…….it doesn’t matter now. I’m sorry for yelling at you but I’m not sorry I said that. This entire quest of your son – this had been chewing me up inside. Every mention of your son and I can practically see you two together. Trust me, it ain’t pretty.
On top of it all, something is happening to my body. I know you probably won’t believe me when I say that I don’t blame you for this. How can I? You saved my life when you healed me…how can I ever blame you for that? Trust me, Max, I don’t. I just find it very hard to believe in US. It seems to me like there IS no US. I told you once that I can’t pretend. And it’s true. I can’t pretend that I still have faith in you, faith in us. I don’t. It’s just not in me anymore.
I’m leaving Roswell. I’m going to Winnaman Academy – a boarding school in Vermont. I’m not running away, Max. I’m leaving to get myself together. I need to figure out what my life means away from Roswell and away from you. I need to respect myself, Max. Because for the last few months…scratch that, the whole year, I’ve felt extremely degraded. I feel like a degenerate for taking all the crap that came my way without doing a single thing about it. And I hate myself for the fact that I’d become so weak that I couldn’t even speak up about things that were bothering me. Losing love, losing a brother, losing hope – I can deal with those. But on top of that, losing my own self-worth, pride, the last shred of dignity…it’s too much. I’m so close to losing my soul…there’s my sanity too. I need to do this. I can’t be with you when I can’t even respect that decision…because if I be halfway honest with myself, I really don’t respect myself any longer.
I know how lost I feel. I can only imagine how YOU feel. Please don’t think that you’re driving me away, because you aren’t. I am giving us both the opportunity to take back our lives, our innocence. Don’t blame me for taking matters into my own hand…for far too long, it’s been in yours. I’m giving your life back to you and I’m taking back mine. Don’t hate me for doing this. I love you. I love you more than you can ever know. It’ll hurt for a while, but trust me, it’s for the best.
I’m asking for one last favor. Please go on with your life. Do with it what you always wanted to. You gave up enough for everyone. Take back what’s left for yourself. Will you do that for me? Please Max. Everything I’ve sacrificed always turned out to be for nothing. Don’t let this be the same way. Take back your life – there is no such crap as Destiny. It’s something you make for yourself. And remember. I love you so very much. Please, take care and be safe. Have faith, Max. I know it’s hard right now, but you need to believe in it. I may not have a lot of faith right now but I never for a moment will doubt that you can’t regain your old self. You were so decent, Max, so decent and gentle and honorable. You’ll find him back…I know you will.
I think I said more than enough already, so I’ll stop here. Don’t let all this be for nothing. Go and get yourself a life. Be safe and take care of Maria for me. Look out for her…she needs someone. Say goodbye to Michael and Isabel for me. I always thought of them as family even if the feeling wasn’t returned most of the time. Please don’t treat Kyle as the outsider of the group, he’s lonely enough as it is. Be good, all of you. I love you, Max. Goodbye.
Liz.
P.S. – If Tess comes back, and she feeds you another lie and if you fall for it, I swear to God, I’ll kick your ass back to Antar…you won’t even need your damned spaceship. My way will be more effective.
Max put the letter down. His heart wasn’t a dump anymore, it was a hot bed of heart ulcers. The words ate at his soul like acid and with each passing second, his anguish increased.
Jesus, NO.
But the pain drove him away from denial-ville. And he let it. After the first few seconds of intense denial, he realized that he had already been there for far too long. Time to wake up. That seared his mind. Don’t even go there.
Pain, guilt, futility, shock, helplessness, disgust, nausea…..they all rose together and as they climaxed, Max felt that he would pass out. Sheer stamina kept him conscious but his head felt like it was being toasted in a furnace.
“I can’t be with you when I can’t even respect that decision…because if I be halfway honest with myself, I really don’t respect myself any longer.”It was also taking turns in an electrocuted bath. In fact, his heart was doing high dives there.
All his life, Max had wanted one thing…….to have a normal life with Liz Parker. That letter ended it right there. It’s SO over. God, why do I keep driving her away? The amount of self-loathing he felt…..I don’t think even Liz can top it. That was the onset of a horrible migraine. His head hurt so bad that he had to practically kneel down. No avail. It just got worse. His hand had been outstretched as he tried to hold onto something and it came into contact with Liz’s letter. Immediately he felt her pain. It swept over him like a tidal wave.
“OH, Christ, make it STOP!!!!” the pounding in his head had increased tenfold. Clutching his head with his two hands, he tried desperately to heal himself. Bolts of energy shot out from his hands, creating a halo around his head.
For two seconds, he lost all feeling. NUMB. QUIET. PEACE. Then another electric current whizzed through him and everything became fuzzy. Distorted. He felt detached Like it wasn’t his eyes he was looking through…but someone else’s. He shook his head in the hopes of clearing it. Still fuzzy. He felt strange. He felt…possessed.
He looked at a letter in front of him. The voice inside him told him it was important, but he disregarded it. The only thing important to him was himself. Nothing else mattered. Curiosity got the better of him and his tall lean form bent to pick it up. At the contact, the quiet disappeared. Peace shattered. All the pain, all the agony he’d been feeling came crashing back and Max fell back on the couch as tears coursed down his cheeks.
*Flash* Liz, running down the mountain, holding her head. Crying. Running. Away from him.
Oh God, LIZ. I love you so much. Please, please come back to me. I’m so sorry. SO damned sorry. Just please, come back to me.
Well? in the U-SUCK-meter.....how many tens does this merit?
i know that was short but i'm trying my hardest to put parts up. next one will be up as soon as i finish it.
