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References: Tennyson
Chapter 11
Or if she slept she dream’d
An awful dream.
Guinevere
“Let me go!” I shouted pushing against the hands that held my shoulder --
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(Liz Dreamscape)
She was twirling, twirling, twirling wearing her green and silver Crashdown uniform. She was just so happy. School was going great, her friends were wonderful and her parents were amazing. In short her life was just great. Yep, it was going to be a really really good day, she could just feel it. It was the kind of day when you were glad to be alive.
No, not even the annoying couple at table 8 or the two men arguing at table 12 would put her off. She wouldn’t allow it. Humming to herself, Liz turned away from table 12 and headed over to the counter. Maybe she should just give them a second before she went back. Just to make sure. And then there was a loud crack, like thunder and the very next moment she was lying on the floor.
Her body was aching and there was a piercing pain below her ribs. God, it hurt! She pressed her hand down on her stomach, grinding the heel of her hand over the ache desperately trying to block out the stabbing pain. If only her head would stop spinning and her side stop hurting she’d figure it out. Fiercely biting down on her lip, Liz pressed her hand down even harder only to have it slip over a…was that a wound? Terrified she brought her hand to her face only to find it covered in blood. Blood. Her hand was smeared with blood…
A river of crimson…blood poured out of my stomach. Glistening red it
…turned silver green and swept over her feet, except it didn’t feel like water. It didn’t even feel like liquid but it moved one, like weirdly thick water. The pale translucent jelly pooled around her ankles. She was standing in it. It felt warm and strangely familiar just like the cave. A hollow carved in sheer rock, whatever it was there was nothing man-made about it. She walked around in it, trailing her fingers along the smooth surface of the rock. The scientist in her was fascinated by the texture of the rock and how it came to be, the dreamer absorbed in the vibes it sent out. It felt…alive but empty. There was nothing in the cave except for the three globes. But they weren’t really globes, more like onions, only they weren’t pink or white they were phosphorescent green. How odd. Liz laughed to herself the entire scene had the feel of a bad sci-fi movie. Alex would love it. But again those pod-things looked weirdly familiar hanging in a semi-circle suspended in mid-air in front of…nothing. That was odd. It felt like there should have been something there. She just knew…
just kept gushing out of my side. I was going to die. God, it hurt so much! Someone, please, anyone, please. Make it stop. Please…
…that she had always wanted to be a scientist. Because maybe, just maybe, becoming a scientist meant she would be able to visit the stars. Her favorite five star constellation. There they were uncharted worlds waiting to be discovered, waiting to be contacted. Yes, there it was. That was the one she would discover, she thought training her telescope on her favorite cluster.
“Look nana, can you see it?”
“Which one Lizzie? There are just so many of them.”
“That one, the one in the corner. Can you see the five stars looking like…you know, like your necklace, nana? Right there.”
“Oh, I see them. And what’s so special about those stars?”
“They are just so pretty. And there are five of them, like a family of stars. They’re unlike all the others.”
“Yes, they are honey bear but you are only nine, after all. Isn’t that a little early to decide on a career – you could be anything you wanted. Why a scientist?”
“Because maybe if I become a scientist then I can visit them someday. Maybe someone lives there, and they might want to make friends. You think I’m crazy!”
“No, darling of course not. I think that if you want to discover those five stars and make friends then you should. I just hope that you believe in all this when you are grown up.”
“Why wouldn’t I?”
“Oh, no reason. I think Lizzie that you can be whoever you want to be and do whatever you want to do. Nothing should stop you from following your dreams...”
I’ll never go to Harvard. I’ll never get to be a molecular biologist, a scientist like I promised nana. I’m going to die on the cold Crashdown floor.
“…stop dreaming Jeffery! You accepted the terms of her arrival here. When I asked you, both you and Nancy agreed.”
“I know, but I can’t do it. She’s our baby. I won’t let you.”
“You don’t have a choice. Both of you agreed that when the time came she would know. Don’t forget she is a gift to you, one that can be taken away at any time.”
“You can’t take away my baby from me, you can’t. What kind of a woman are you?”
“Nancy please, I’m not your enemy. I am just reminding you of the truth. A truth that despite your pretending it isn’t so won’t change. She’s bright. And one day she will ask why do her parents have blue eyes and she doesn’t. You can lie to yourself all you want but genetics don’t lie.”
“I don’t care if she isn’t ours. I love her and I won’t give her up, Claudia.”
“Fine, just remember she has a destiny that goes beyond you and her adoption…”
Daddy, mom! Please, why won’t anyone listen? It hurts, I’m so cold…help…I’m so sorry.
“…yeah, both of them were adopted. In fact, Max and Isabelle looked for their biological family.”
“Really? How did that go?”
“He said they weren’t what he expected. But that he took care of it…”
Someone HELP! I need a doctor, anyone. Why can’t anyone hear me? Cold, I’m freezing and I can’t feel my hands anymore. I can’t see anything, I can’t see…am I dead?
“…just like I took care of the situation in New York.”
“So what are we going to do next, Maxwell?”
“We aren’t going to do anything. It’s time to come clean. I’m going to tell her…”
“LIZ! LIZ! Open your eyes!”
Please just let me alone. I’m dying, just leave me alone.
“LIZ! God Damnit! Open your eyes…yes, just like that. You have to look at me, please!”
“Who…it hurts…”
“Yes, just look at me. I won’t let anything happen to you. Just look in my eyes.”
I feel warm as if wrapped in an electric blanket. He’s pressing his hand on my stomach. It should hurt but it doesn’t. It just feels warm. I don’t know what he’s doing and I don’t care. I want to lie like this and feel his hot sweet breath on face forever. I can’t see him, except for those eyes. They burn into mine. Their lambent gaze breaches my defenses, pierces my soul. I am swamped with emotion, with sensation. My world has pulled inwards into his eyes. Golden amber they glow like molten gold, like warm honey in the sun, like the setting sun and blazing desert sand at dawn.
I know those eyes. I know him…
“Lizzie, Lizzie, wake up!” Someone shook her and Liz woke up with a start. Her heart pounding frantically and the last of her scream died in her throat. Utterly disoriented, she looked up into Alex’s concerned face. Expecting to see blood and feel the stabbing pain in her stomach she ripped away the sheets from her body and pressed a hand to her side. Nothing. Liz gingerly lifted her tank top and peered down at her stomach only to find smooth pale skin. Not a hint of the very real horror that had grabbed her.
“No, don’t!” she cried out just as Alex leaned in to touch her face.
Shrinking back against the pillows she could still feel it, feel the bullet rip apart her side. She could feel it rip pierce her insides with deadly intent, the pain shoving her to her knees. The blood continued to pour out of her side, as she desperately struggled with the darkness and the terror that held her in its grip.
Transfixed by the sight of her stomach, Liz replayed the Crashdown shooting over and over in her head. Overwhelmed by her visions, Liz didn’t notice when someone eased down next to her. Her defenses were down and mind wide open, and a second later His anxiety and fear flooded into her mind just as a warm hand pried her hand away from her side. Everything seemed to move in slow motion and the line between her waking dreams and sleeping nightmares was blurred. He seemed so close and vital.
Caught up in the horrors of the night and many hours of isolation Liz flung herself at Him mentally and physically. For the second time that day, Max Evans caught her. Except this time, she didn’t know it was him. In the grip of her double vision, Liz grabbed on to her Lover and let Him support her.
Tightening her arms around His neck, mind screaming in fear, she fell into the comfort He offered and sobbed. He felt just the same as He did in their dreams. Except this time, He shielded her shuddering body under the width of His shoulders and it felt real. The sensation of burying her face in the warm column of His throat, a constant gesture of comfort, felt real. The hands that gently cradled her head and smoothed down her back felt real. At last, she sighed to herself. At last He was here.
“At last, you are here,” she moaned softly, sobs subsiding. His grip loosened but instinctively molding her body to His, Liz whispered, “no, don’t go.”
His aura the color of melting caramel suns drew her so deep inside of Him that she lived inside His soul forever. Liz encompassed that special place in His heart where her name echoed in every breath that He took. Every heart-beat, every pulse belonged to her. She drowned in the endless waves of His emotions and wondered what it was that made Him love so completely, so irrevocably. Gently easing herself, she looked up at Him in wonder, only to see Max Evans.
Struck dumb, she pushed him away and struggled against the firm grip on her shoulder.
(End Dreamscape)
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"Let me go!” I shouted pushing against the hands that held my shoulder only to hear Maria shout, “Wake up Lizzie! What the hell is wrong with you?”
“What are you doing?” I screamed just as I pushed Maria away and scrambled of the bed.
The bed?
Wait.
What was I doing on the bed? Where was my Lover? Where was Ma…I ended that thought abruptly and met Maria’s enquiring eyes. She looked stunned by my violent actions and I couldn’t fault her for that. I felt completely out of control. God, that dream had seemed so real. I could have sworn that I had been shot, that I had heard nana talking to my parents, that I had heard Maria, that I had been healed. But then I could have sworn that I had been woken up by Alex as well. And what about clinging to Ma…no, no, I was most definitely not going to touch that one.
I could feel the tears well up in my eyes. I was just so tired. I couldn’t even distinguish between my dreams and reality. This was it the final straw. I had officially lost my mind. Head reeling, I collapsed on the edge of the bed, my hand clenching in the sheet that had until very recently been soaked in my blood.
“Liz, chica, what is it?” Maria asked gently kneeling on the floor in front of me.
Reaching out she brushed a swathe of hair off my face and tucked it behind my ear. Her hand lingered near my face, easing away the tears that just wouldn’t stop. I bit my lip hard. I just needed some sense of control. Some sense of order. I couldn’t answer her question because I didn’t know what was going on. I felt like I was going to fly apart, shatter into a million shards and nothing could make me whole again. Blinking furiously against the swell of tears that blurred my vision, I looked into Maria’s sympathetic green gaze. Like me, her eyes filled with tears. Not saying anything, she simply moved her thumb over my lower lip easing it out from under my teeth.
And that single gesture broke me.
I don’t remember much of what happened after that only bits and pieces.
I remember pressing my face into Maria’s scented breasts, as I cried inconsolably. Her slender arms hugged me to her body, as I lay half in and half out of her lap. She pulled me to her so tightly that I felt her bangles dig into my arms and my back.
I remember Alex curling up behind me, his warm body pressing into my back. He dropped gentle kisses in my hair. I remember being comforted by his solid presence. Secure in the knowledge that while they both held me I could shatter, I was safe.
I remember hushed conversations and words of comfort drifting over me.
Through it all, I sat huddled inside my mind.
My body wasn’t under my control anymore. I let those who knew me best care for it, I just couldn’t do it anymore. Not with the emotions of the past few days preying on my mind. But I knew I wasn’t alone and I knew what I had to do. This had to stop. I had to let Him in. It wasn’t that I didn’t have faith in Him. I did. Maybe even more faith than I had in myself but I was afraid. I was afraid that after everything we had been to each other, after everything we had said, after everything we had been through – it wouldn’t be enough. None of it would be enough. I wouldn’t be enough. He wouldn’t be enough. My moonlit Lover, whose lush presence satisfied desires I didn’t even know I had, whose warmth chased away all my anxieties, who made me believe in romance, fairytales and magic, wouldn’t be enough in the harsh light of day. I was afraid that He knew more than He told me, that He had secrets, which might tear us apart.
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But I couldn’t answer any of these questions until I asked Him. I wouldn’t know until I let Him in. So, gingerly I eased myself open. I whispered to Him, calling Him to me along the faint tendrils of our connection. Hesitantly, I uncoiled my leashed desires and urged Him to me just like before, except for one thing. This time I didn’t call Him Lover.
“Boy?” I called out softly. I was just getting ready to call Him a second time, a little more strongly when He answered.
“Yes,” His voice was full of relief but it didn’t hide the anxiety His fluttering presence exuded. Like a guest unsure of his welcome, He stood just outside of me and waited in trepidation.
“Come in,” I said softly. The words felt unfamiliar on my tongue. I had never used them with Him before. Usually, He was always there, just like I was. But now, something had shifted. We were awkward, uncomfortable even. A decade of intimacy had fled in the face of a week’s isolation. It was a sobering thought, which echoed between the two of us.
“So,” He began, “how are you?”
I didn’t know how to answer that. It’s not as if He didn’t know. It was more a formality than anything. He was testing the boundaries I had placed around us afraid of upsetting the status quo.
Struggling with the fear and the desperate urge to open to Him completely I asked the one question that had been bothering me. “When will it be the right time?”
He sighed softly. I could feel his anxiety jump up a notch and the guilt with which He was struggling. I wasn’t prepared for what He said next. “I don’t know.”
Without waiting for what I was about to say next, He continued hurriedly, his voice wrapping around the coldness in my heart like warm baby soft wool. “There are so many things that I have to tell you, so many things that you need to know. But, I just don’t know where to begin.”
Feeling a little surer, I stared at Him. There He was a shimmer in my mind, barely a shadow, as insubstantial as a wraith. I didn’t know what He looked like, I didn’t know what He sounded like but I knew what He felt like and how knowing Him made me feel.
Focusing on the comfort and the openness that had always been a part of us, I said, “I don’t understand why it has to be like this.”
Sensing his discomfort, I continued as gently as I could, injecting some of the distress I was feeling into my voice. “I was angry when you didn’t come to me. And a part of me wondered if I could trust you, if I could have faith in someone who didn’t come when I needed them the most. Then other things happened, I locked you out, I hurt us and I am sorry for that but I just can’t…” I stopped. I wondered if He could see the unconscious hurt etched in my frame as I tried to control my trembling voice.
I inhaled His comforting scent, as He came closer. Steadying my voice I spoke unsure of how He would react. “There is something happening in my life, something to do with my nana. It might be dangerous and I…I don’t know what to do. I know that I want your help and I need to know that you…that I can count on you.”
I changed my sentence midway. Something held me back from telling Him everything. Maybe it was selfish of me to not tell Him how I really felt, to not let Him know that I needed Him with me. But I just couldn’t.
In retrospect it was a foolish thing to have done. We had been together too long to not know when the other was lying, or omitting information. If He thought anything of that sort, He gave no sign of it. Instead He held my hands in His and huddled next to me. His body heat seeped into mine just as the faint scent of roses descended over us. Sliding His arm around my shoulder, I turned my face into the warm column of His neck and struggled to not think of my nightmare.
Sinking His hand into my hair, He said something completely unexpected, “Has anything strange happened since you fainted?”
Surprised by the question, I answered unthinkingly, “I just had a nightmare.”
“Tell me about it.”
A cold chill of fear crept up my spine, as I clutched at Him tightly. Closing my eyes against the remembered horror, I shuddered. “I can’t…don’t want to talk about it.”
My lover pulled me into His lap. He kept one arm around my shoulders, while the other tucked my feet into the crook of His knee and slid around my waist. It felt wonderful. Pressing His mouth to my forehead, as if He couldn’t bear an inch of space between us He said, “I know that you think I’m keeping secrets from you. And I wish I could say that I wasn’t. But I can’t. I promised never to lie to you, and I won’t start now.”
Deep in His embrace I nodded. He had promised me that some time ago. We had both agreed that it was hard enough to hide our connection from everyone else we couldn’t add to our burden and keep secrets from each other. But the difficult part was trying to discern the difference between a secret and an omission.
In tune with my thoughts, He continued, “Yes, it is difficult. But I want to promise you something else today. I know it won’t answer your questions, and it might not even satisfy you but it is the only thing I am allowed to do.”
“Allowed to do?” I asked peering into his soul. The shimmer around Him had dimmed somewhat.
“Please Love,” He beseeched, “I can’t say anymore.”
Concerned about His hesitation and messy situation we were in, I acquiesced. “Go on.”
He placed our clasped hands on His heart and solemnly swore, “You are my life, and I promise to protect you with everything in me, forever. I won’t let anything harm you for as long as I can.”
His oath was so oddly worded that I couldn’t help but worry about what He meant. But before I could say anything, He kissed me gently and unwound Himself from around me. “I will come when the time is right, but you have to wake up now.” And with those parting words, He left.
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When I opened my eyes, I don’t know how much later, I was still lying on the floor. My head was still in Maria’s lap. Alex wasn’t lying behind me anymore. He was sitting next to Maria, his arm around her shoulder. They were talking in hushed whispers, and didn’t notice me wake up.
“How much longer is she going to be out, Alex?” Maria whispered her voice taut with anxiety. “It’s been two hours.”
His hand unconsciously stroking my hair, Alex responded in a low tone, “Isabelle says that she should come out of it on her own. But if she doesn’t wake up in another hour then we should try to wake her up, gently.”
Isabelle? What did the ice princess have to do with my health and why did Alex sound as if she knew what she was talking about. Maria seemed to share my skepticism.
“And, we should listen to her because?” She hissed out.
“Shh,” Alex reprimanded. “Maria, please.”
“Please, what? Just because you have a crush on the ice queen doesn’t mean I’m going to trust Lizzie to her on the basis of your raging hormones, ok buddy boy!”
Closing his eyes for a second, Alex mentally counted to ten. I recognized that look well.
“Maria, for the last time this is not about my hormones. She is going to be a practicing psychiatrist soon, so can we please just take her word for it. Despite your unreasonable dislike of her, I am quite certain she is qualified and we can trust that she knows what she’s talking about.”
“Unreasonable?” Maria squeaked out, much to my amusement. “Unreasonable, my ass!” She continued as her voice gained momentum.
“Quiet! Do you want to wake Liz up?” Alex grimaced, his brow furrowing in familiar lines of worry.
Taking that as my cue, and before Maria could launch into a vituperative dissection of Isabelle Evans, I spoke up, “Umm, guys, I’m awake.”
I don’t think either one of them heard me since they were too busy glaring at each other. I decided to speak a little louder, and see if I could move without my body protesting in pain. “Hey, you guys!”
Startled out of their staring contest, identical worried gazes, one blue and one green swung towards me, just as Maria said, “Oh, chica, how are you feeling?”
I managed a tight smile. “I feel like a steam roller ran over me, twice!”
“C’mon, you want to try and sit up,” Alex asked. “Your legs will start cramping pretty soon, if you don’t.”
Feeling weak and drained I tried to stand up on my own, only to collapse into Alex’s waiting arms. “Yeah, no I don’t think I can walk on my own just yet,” I said.
“Well, what are you waiting for?” Maria elbowed him.
“What am I waiting for?” Alex said looking puzzled.
“Carry her downstairs, you moron!”
“No, Alex don’t,” I said stopping the conversation.
I felt too vulnerable to go downstairs and meet everyone just yet. The maelstrom of emotions I had experienced had left me very disoriented and stripped of my defenses. I needed some time to put on my game face before I met everyone, before I let the world in.
I expected Maria to argue with me, and make me go down stairs at least to eat something. But she didn’t. Instead she gave me a quick once over and said: “Chica, you should take a shower. How about it? You want me to run you a bath?”
A bath sounded wonderful. I felt worse than horrible and I’m sure I looked like death warmed over, so I simply smiled gratefully.
Maria simply clucked and said briskly, “Ok, Lizzie. I’ll go run you a bath and pull out some clothes for you, just hang on for like five minutes. Alex can get some food, and then we can eat upstairs in your balcony. Just like old times. What do you think?”
Not waiting for a response, she disappeared into the bathroom.
Alex gave me a gentle hug and said, “I’ll be back with some goodies, in an hour ok.”
“Hey Alex,” I called out just as he reached the door.
“Yeah?”
“Umm, what happened when I was out of it?” I asked wondering who had seen me and how I could avoid the embarrassment of being seen in such a vulnerable position.
He looked sympathetic and said, “Maria heard you screaming, and she called me. You were crying a lot, so we just closed the door. Umm, you kind of conked out and we were worried, so I asked Isabelle to come take a look at you. She’s doing medicine so we just wanted to make sure that everything was ok, you know?”
“Yeah, thanks.”
“Don’t worry about it, Lizzie. You’ve been under a huge strain these past couple of days. You don’t have to be strong all the time, ok? No one will think less of you just because you got upset, and rightfully so.”
He was right, I knew he was right. But I couldn’t help feel embarrassed. A naturally private person, I had only really opened up with Maria and Alex and it was upsetting to think that someone I didn’t know had witnessed something so private. But there was nothing I could do about it, now.
Alex must have understood some of what I was thinking because he came over and hugged me tightly. “Stop it, Lizzie. You are the bravest, strongest person I know. Trust me no one thinks less of you. Besides,” he said flashing his trademark grin, “do you think Hurricane Deluca wouldn’t kick Isabelle’s ass, or anyone else’s for that matter if they said anything?”
Giggling, I relaxed against him. Of course I was being silly. Maria and Alex would never expose me like that. Besides, Maria was even more protective of my privacy and my emotions than I was. Still, I couldn’t help one last question. “Did…was anyone else here?”
I felt more than saw him nod against my head. “Yeah, you were really, umm, agitated in the middle so I got Max, you know. He left as soon as Isabelle came. Sorry, but we couldn’t calm you, and he’s, well, there’s just something about him. I’m sorry, Lizzie. I just didn’t know what to do.”
Oh well, at least I hadn’t imagined that. Strangely enough, it didn’t feel strange or embarrassing to know that he’d witnessed my breakdown. Deep down, I knew that he had loved nana almost as much as I had. In some sense then, we shared the same wrenching loss, the same grief. Perhaps it was fitting that we had shared our sorrow at her death when we hadn’t been able to share our joy in her lifetime.
while the remainder is flowing along really smoothly. I should just post this in reverse order~ 
I'm so glad y'all enjoyed the other part. Here's one more!