Dealing with Disaster(CC,M/L, ADULT) Pt 14 - 08/27 [WIP]

Realistic Dreamer · Post by **Realistic Dreamer** » Sun Nov 09, 2003 12:20 am

Title: Dealing with Disaster (Post-Departure)
Author: RealistDreamer
Rating: YTEEN - ADULT
Category: M/L with interchangeable points of view

Disclaimer: The usual ... don't own them, because they are under the sole control of Melinda Metz, Jason Katims (boo, hiss), Fox (I think), UPN (maybe, not sure anymore) and anyone else who has their finger in the Roswell pie, but certainly not me. Too bad, because they would have been much better off under my care.

Summary: I think the title says it all as far as where this story is going. I am scrapping everything after the Granolith taking off. There is no season 3 in this story, which I'm sure dismays no one. But I did save one event from season 3, which I think will have immense bearing on where the M/L relationship will go. You'll know it when you see it, which isn't until the middle somewhere. Liz gets some advice from a rather unlikely source.

A/N: I've come to the conclusion that the only way to deal with the disaster that was the end of season 2 is to write your own story. It's the only way that you can see what you want to see. What I'm in the process of writing is what I would have been happy with. I know that it's not necessarily what would satisfy others, but I could have lived with what I'm writing. I have about 3 really long chapters done, along with a good idea of where I want it to end. It's all a matter of finding the time to do it.

As always, let me know what you think ...

Prologue

Liz followed Max mechanically, his painful grip on her hand the only thing that really registered in her mind as he hurried her over the slippery rocks.

'He's gonna break my fingers,' she thought, grimacing a bit with the pain as he led her to safety.

Once they had achieved sufficient cover, he pulled her into his arms, flinching to shield her even closer as the granolith exploded from the pod chamber.

'So the time machine takes off like a bottle rocket,' she thought irreverently from the shelter his embrace. 'Impressive,' Liz gave an internal snort of derision. Watching the granolith wend it's way across the heavens, she hoped it had a cloaking device. Then again, remembering who it's passenger was, she reconsidered the idea. Liz focused her attention on Max when he pulled back to look at her.

"I've been wrong about alot of things," he told her with more emotion in his voice than she'd heard in a long time.

'Yeah, you have,' she responded internally, even as she continued to hold her tongue.

"But I was right about one thing ... to get you in my life, to be around you, to love you," Max's voice was fervent.

Liz just stared at him, her expression noncommittal. She would have given everything she owned to hear those words from him. Before. Before he completely turned his back on her, after promising her they would always be friends. Before she found out how he followed his destiny ... not with love, but with casual sex and no protection. Before he physically held her to the point where she had bruises, and verbally ripped her to shreds. What she heard now was words, just empty, useless words with no meaning. How could he possibly speak of love, when his actions told her so clearly how carelessly he held her heartstrings? His avowal of love was the barest whisper to her heart, something that couldn't be heard over the thundering cacophany of everything he'd done.

Isabel came up behind Max, and Liz's attention shifted to his sibling. Why wasn't she surprised to see his sister once again vying for his time? Granted, at this particular moment Liz was hardly in the mood to address anything that Max had to say, but at the same time, it irritated her to see Isabel once again interrupt and demand that Max listen to her.

"What happens now, Max?" she asked.

He pulled away and moved a few paces from the group. "I have to find my son," Max said.

'I really need to get out of here ... now,' Liz was actually beginning to panic at the rage that was building inside her. Ever the one who needed to be in control, she couldn't deal with this latest proclamation. It was too much. To find out that Max had given himself to another and fathered a child, that the mother of his child was Alex's killer, that he let her go and then had the audacity to declare his love for her moments later ... she was going to self-destruct if she didn't get away and pull herself together.

'Don't think about this now,' she coached herself. 'Get out of here and think about it later. Oh, good ... I'm channeling Scarlett O'Hara.'

"Maria," she snapped. "Let's go."

Her best friend pulled away from her lovefest with Michael long enough to give Liz a quick look. What she saw was enough to make her give him a kiss and whisper that she was on best friend duty.

"Liz," Max hurried over to put his hand on her arm. Liz eyed it with such disdain that he allowed it to drop to his side. His brow furrowed when she lifted her gaze to his. He'd never seen such a cold, cynical stare. Max opened his mouth to say something, anything to dispell that look, but Liz flinched back just slightly. It was enough for him to know that there was nothing he could say at that moment.

The ride home was horribly uncomfortable. Maria drove, and Liz called shotgun, clearly and in such a tone that no one disputed her claim. There was some conversation in the back seat, among the four other passengers, but Liz paid no attention to it. She stared blankly out the window, watching the familiar landscape roll by. When Maria pulled up in the alley behind the Crashdown, Liz had the door open while the car was still moving and practically jumped out. Max was right behind her.

"Liz, we need to talk," he begged as he caught up with her.

"Not. Now." she hissed as she turned to face him.

"When?" his voice was low.

"I don't know. Maybe never," she replied, before quickly climbing the ladder to her balcony.

Max winced when he heard the window bang shut, and he turned away, defeated. He walked back to the car, seeing four pairs of eyes avidly watching everything. The expressions were easily read. Maria and Kyle were clearly getting alot of satisfaction out of the scene they'd just witnessed. Michael was embarrassed and irritated, while Isabel was sympathetic and outraged for him.

Max leaned down to address Maria thru the open window.

"Go on without me," he told her. "No, I'm not going to go after her, if that's what you're thinking," clearly reading Maria's alarmed expression correctly. "I'm going to walk back. Isabel, could you and Kyle talk to the sheriff about getting back the tape we left for Mom and Dad? And we'll all have to meet soon to talk about the fallout."

Seeing various looks of exasperated agreement, Max nodded wordlessly and slapped his hand once on the hood of the jetta in dismissal, before turning to walk down the alley. He had so much thinking to do.

TBC

Realistic Dreamer · Post by **Realistic Dreamer** » Mon Nov 10, 2003 5:56 pm

Gentle Readers ... thank you so much for the awesome feedback.

I admit, I'm nervous about this story, because everyone has their own ideas about the end of season 2. My own personal opinion is that it was a mindwarp, based on everything I've read on other boards ... a mindwarp that they chickened out of at the last minute.

However, I'll let you know right away that this story is not written as a mindwarp. I'd love to, I think it makes the most sense, but it's not going to happen here. I do have another theory about it, which will be plain about 3-4 chapters from now.

As always, I love hearing what everyone thinks ...

Chapter1

How had it come to this? How had he and Liz gone from being soulmates to being practically strangers? The look on her face ... Max almost felt like squirming. Her eyes were filled with hurt, disillusion, and an anger that could have pinned him to the wall and held him there forever, it was that fierce. He could feel his heart stumble in his chest. Out of all the emotions he could read so clearly, the one that bothered him the most was seeing how far he had fallen in her estimation. Because, somehow, he realized that this was the wellspring for everything else she was feeling. He had failed to live up to her expectations.

Max frowned. He needed to think of a way to find his son. He knew he should be thinking about all the ramifications of Tess' departure on the Granolith Express. He should be worried about whether or not Isabel and Kyle were able to intercept the Sheriff and his delivery of the good-bye tape. And he should be in a total panic about what his parents were going to say about the jeep being destroyed. He needed one helluva good cover story for that. But he couldn't seem to care much about it. All he could see in his mind's eye was the new cynicism that was in Liz's every expression and action.

He needed to talk to her so badly. And that was the last thing she wanted to do right now. She clearly didn't want him anywhere near her. He kept going back to her disillusionment .. couldn't get it out of his mind. He had been weighed in the balances, and found totally wanting. He was so confused. What was it that she wanted of him? She was the one that decided they should break up because of his destiny, that the words coming from his alien mother's mouth carried more weight than the fact that she meant everything to him. After letting her know so clearly that she was the sun, the moon, the stars, the whole damn universe ... she'd said goodbye, turning to walk away from him anyway.

And he couldn't accept it. He hounded Maria the entire summer for any scrap of information about her. He tried everything he could think of to change her mind, desperate to the point of making a fool of himself. She ripped his heart to shreds with her little speech about wanting the one thing he couldn't give her, which was a safe, normal life. His greatest fear was finally vocalized, and he still came back for more. He took a shaky breath as the anguish of seeing her in bed with Kyle washed over him. The memory still had the power to bring him to his knees; knowing now that it was a set-up didn't do much to take the incredible hurt away.

He gave a sardonic little chuckle. Even back then, he hadn't believed it ... not really. He'd asked her time and again for the truth, yet she would look him in the eye and lie. And he knew it. Deep down, he knew that there was something wrong about the whole situation, or he would have accepted it at face value and never brought it up again. He hadn't understood it, he'd been confused as hell, but he hadn't known why. That was the part that tormented him. What he had witnessed didn't match up with the Liz he knew. And that meant she was consistently lying to him. She was desperate enough to let him see her in the most compromising position imaginable, and she was desperate enough to lie to him time after time when he called her on it. But she wouldn't confide in him, wouldn't let him help her, wanted nothing to do with him. He had to accept the fact that not only was she pushing him out of her life, her actions also had a clear destination in mind ... Tess.

This was the part he didn't get the most. The whole reason she broke up with him was because she decided that he should follow the destiny laid out for him by the communicators. She'd once even set up a situation to throw him and Tess together, using her knowledge of his likes and dislikes to promote a favorable outcome. And oh, how that had hurt when he figured it out. Yet, when the very thing she was pressing for finally came about, he became the mother of all assholes. Max shook his head. Damned if you do, damned if you don't was a phrase that was taking on a wealth of personal significance.

Who was he kidding, really? He knew exactly how her mind was working, because it would be the way he would feel if the situation were reversed. He would push her to the desired outcome, and hope like hell that it would never happen. Max would pray that what he and Liz had would be stronger than his idea that she had to follow some destiny. He would hope what they had would be stronger than what he felt she should do, and that eventually their love would win out in the end.

Max sighed, shaking his head. She must have been truly driven to set up that situation with Kyle. And sometime, in the very near future, he would get to the bottom of it. This went waay above and beyond how she held him at arm's length all summer and into the fall.

Those months still had the power to make him incredibly angry. When he had talked to her in the lab at school, before they'd ever even kissed for the first time, he expressed his fears about the two of them getting involved. And she told him quite clearly that it wasn't his decision to make. Yet, she'd done exactly what she told him he had no right to do. She'd left him in the pod chamber the day his world began it's freefall into chaos, not because she didn't love him anymore, but because she'd heard the plan laid out for his life, and she decided ... for him ... that he needed to follow it.

The last thing he'd wanted was to be with Tess. Max remembered with disgust how she was always there, hanging on his every word, trying to insinuate herself in his life. At first, her presence was a constant reminder of why he and Liz weren't together. Tess would talk about their shared destiny, thinking that if she harped on it long enough, he'd come around. She had no idea that the exact opposite was happening. Every time she brought it up, thinking it would somehow bind them together, all she was doing was bringing up the reason why he and Liz weren't able to be together, and his resentment grew steadily. He resented destiny, and he resented Tess, although he tried to keep it hidden.

She finally caught on that what she was doing was accomplishing the exact opposite of what she wanted. So she'd changed her tactics. She went from being his destiny to being his friend. And, for awhile there, he truly needed a friend. Liz wanted nothing to do with him, Michael was challenging him at every turn, Isabel was hiding something big ... Tess was the only one who stubbornly stayed with him. His circle of friends was so small to begin with, so important to him, that every defection felt like a huge piece of him was torn away, leaving him mortally wounded.

Max's feet took him, unconsciously, in the direction of the small park not far from his house. He walked up to a picnic table and stepped up to sit on it, his feet resting on the bench. His stomach was churning by now, as he thought about all the events of the past year. All the hurts, all the anguish, were as fresh as when they first happened. He had become adept at burying them so deep that the emotions were blunted, but if he was to understand why Liz had become so disillusioned and cynical, he obviously needed to pull it all out and look at it again.

Max lost all track of time as he walked down memory lane. He went back in his mind, all the way back to the shooting, replaying every event, reliving every emotion. All the good, all the bad ... and everything in between ... were hauled out into the clear light of day to be examined. And he was appalled. Not by what went on in the beginning, but by everything that had happened since they came back from Las Vegas.

He barely recognized himself in the person he was now. He cringed at some of the events of the past few months. How could he have threatened his sister? When had it become part of his nature to manhandle the girl that, a little over a year ago, he worried about even appearing to be using? He held their friendship as a negotiating tool to keep Liz from going to Sweden, after telling her that he would always be her friend? Those snide words he'd used in front of Tess ...

Max buried his head in his hands, unable to stop a groan of anguish. What in the world was wrong with him? His bad behavior of the past few months barely registered with him, until now. And that scared him badly. Up until this moment, he realized that he didn't feel there was a thing wrong in what he had done. Thinking back, he saw too that there wasn't one iota of remorse.

He jumped off the picnic table, intent on finding his way home. Max was truly terrified with his own thoughts. He needed to get some answers. And the best place to start was with Isabel.

TBC

Realistic Dreamer · Post by **Realistic Dreamer** » Wed Nov 12, 2003 6:01 am

This chapter, and the next one, are probably my favorites. Like I said, I'm writing what would have made me happy. Not sure how it'll fly with everyone else, but I could have lived with this.

Chapter 2

Isabel walked into the Evans home, grateful for the success she and Kyle'd had in getting back the good-bye tape. She breathed the familiar scents, her heart clenching at the idea of how close they had come to leaving this behind forever, and the ready tears filled her eyes. She scrubbed at them angrily. Falling apart would never do. She had to present a normal facade to her parents.

'You're fine, everything is fine, couldn't be better,' she told herself, right before she shook her head and put her hand up to cover her eyes. 'This is whacked, it's all just whacked. What a disaster.'

"Isabel, is everything all right?" her mother asked in concern as she watched her daughter stand in the middle of the living room.

"Mom!" Isabel exclaimed, turning quickly, her heart pounding so hard it actually reverberated in her ears.

"Yeah, Mom," Diane's voice was dry as she continued to watch her jumpy daughter with suspicion.

"Everything is fine. I just, just ... got something in my eye. It was making it tear up something awful and it's ruining my mascara," Isabel put just the right note of exasperation in her voice as she delicately ran her finger under her eye. She gestured toward the stairs that led to the bedrooms on the second floor.

"I'm just going to go fix my make-up," Isabel said as she started toward her room.

"Well, try not to be too long. I have breakfast, if you're hungry," Diane looked hopeful.

'No! Absolutely not!' Isabel thought. 'I don't care how glad I am to see Mom ... Martha Stewart will make me gag.' She gave her mother a queasy, fake smile.

"I'm not really hungry yet," she piously told the truth, because the thought of a MS breakfast took away any shred of appetite she had. "I'll just make myself some toast when I'm ready. I might go running, and it's less calories to burn off."

By late afternoon, Max was still nowhere to be seen and Isabel was bored out of her mind, finding enough energy to go for that jog. It would be hot, and she wouldn't go far, but she was just too restless. Isabel had no idea when Max would appear, and she wasn't sure how to cover for him, or the missing jeep.

The exercise helped to clear her head and get her pulses pounding. When she got back to the house, she headed right for her room to get out of her sweaty clothes and into the shower.

Isabel was more than a little startled to walk thru the door of her bedroom and see Max sitting in the chair by her computer. He was slouched, his feet stretched out in front of him, and the look on his face ... she couldn't read it.

"Hi," she said in a non-committal tone as she pushed her hair back from her forehead. When Max didn't answer, she tried again. "Where were you? Did you talk to Mom and Dad yet? Come up with a good cover story for the jeep?"

"Yeah, I stopped in the office to see Dad." Max had made a pitstop to do some damage control. "I told him that the jeep was stolen this morning. And I went to see the Sheriff. He's going to get Hanson to put in a report on it, so when they find it, it'll look like some kids took it for a joyride and ran it off a cliff. I think we'll be okay there," Max said in a rather faraway voice. He still hadn't looked at her, continuing to gaze downward.

"Good. That's good," Isabel nodded. She was feeling a little unsettled. Max was just sitting there, studying his shoes. Well, he could do that in his own room. Starting to get annoyed, she gestured toward the door. "You know, I'm really sticky and I'm dying for a shower. You want to sorta move along here?"

Max lifted his head, his gaze speculative.

"When did I become an asshole?" he asked.

Isabel actually snorted, she was so surprised.

"Excuse me?" sure that, somehow, she'd heard him wrong.

"You heard right," Max said with a slightly sardonic smile, as if he could somehow read her mind. "When did I turn into an asshole?"

"Max, you're hardly an asshole," Isabel laughed.

"No? So, you think that my threatening to tell our parents that you do drugs is normal? Or how about threatening to tell your teachers you cheated on every single exam you ever took?"

Isabel opened her mouth, and then shut it again, looking uncomfortable as he brought up moments that had seriously scared her at the time, but had somehow faded in her memory. She then quickly dismissed them.

"It was a bad time for all of us. Everything was so insane, and I know you didn't mean it," she assured him.

"Isabel, you don't get it. At the time, I did mean it, every single word. What I said, what I did back then ... it may seem like I was out of control, but I'm never out of control. It's what I live for, what I base my entire existence on. Even as bad as things were with Liz last fall, I never lost it. Oh, I had moments where I slipped, where I said and did some stupid, childish things, but I was pretty much on top of it. Lately, though ..." his voice trailed away.

Isabel waited, allowing him time to gather his thoughts. It was obvious to her that Max needed to talk, so she was going to let him do it, in his own time.

"I spent the day looking at everything that's happened, and quite honestly?" he looked up at her with eyes that somehow didn't see her, "I'm scared to death. Some of the things I've said and done," he shook his head in dismay. "I don't even recognize myself."

"Max," Isabel scoffed, "you're the most decent guy I know. Annoying that way," she shrugged, "but decent." At his dismal wagging of his head, she sighed. "Maybe you better tell me what you did. It can hardly be that bad," she soothed as she settled on her bed, watching with fascination as color came up in his face. Even his ears were red.

Max hesitated, his pride not wanting him to reveal the shabbiness of his behavior. But, if he was ever going to get to the bottom of this, he needed to start somewhere. He seriously doubted that Isabel would be shocked and appalled at some of the things he'd done. If there was one trait that she had in abundance, it was a rather spectacular lack of regard for the feelings of others. But Isabel knew him inside and out, and knew what made him tick. She understood that he had a huge sensitive side, along with a healthy dose of integrity. It baffled her, but she knew it was at the core of who he was, so she was tolerant of these little character quirks, as she sometimes thought of them. Max decided to start at what he believed was the beginning.

"When Liz and I went to Prom, we had a discussion in the middle of the dance floor. I thought she was telling me that the situation with Tess was suffocating her, that she wanted to be free of the whole thing. Free of me." Max's voice wavered as he shook his head, "I was devastated. I went into one of the hallways to be alone, and I was just sitting there, when Tess came up. We started talking, and within three minutes, I was kissing her. Not some peck on the cheek, either," his voice was filled with disgusted agreement at Isabel's involuntary gasp of disapproval.

"I didn't even bother to figure out how Liz, my date, got home that night. I never used to let that girl get out of the jeep without my help. I hung around the Crash when we thought there might be a serial killer in town, even though she lived right upstairs and her father was almost always there at closing, because I was worried about her. And I left her high and dry on Prom night," Max's voice carried a wealth of self-loathing.

"You really were a bastard," Isabel breathed. Alien or not, she was all outraged female when it came to this blatant indiscretion.

"Oh, that's just the beginning," Max assured her. "Liz tried to tell me that Alex was murdered, and I didn't believe her ... or, I didn't want to believe her. I made it an 'aliens against the humans' issue, and I actively belittled her for it. I didn't back her up at all. I manhandled her in the hallway at school, grabbing her arm during a disagreement. I wouldn't be surprised if I left bruises. I was snide and sarcastic to her in front of Tess, questioning her motives. I threatened to end our friendship, not more than a few days after promising her that I would always be her friend."

Max finally looked up, not surprised to see the shock on his sister's face. She might not be much for other people's feelings, but what she was hearing ... this was not her shy, sensitive brother at all. Something was very wrong.

"Mindwarp," she suddenly said, snapping her fingers as the idea occurred to her.

"Not a chance," Max leaned back, rubbing his hand over his face in weariness.

"Max, it makes sense. We now know that Tess was inside the head of almost everyone we knew. Look at what she did to Alex," Isabel's voice cracked when she said his name. "Why not you? She wanted you and all that destiny crap, so she'd concentrate on you most of all."

"Izzy," Max sighed, "you don't know how much I wish I could blame everything on Tess and her mindwarps. But, the fact of the matter is that I've always been aware of when she tried it. From the very beginning, I knew when she was messing with me. I don't know why I could tell, but I could. I actually confronted her on it, a long time ago, and she's never done it since then. No," he shook his head woefully, "everything I did was all by myself. Just me. And that's what scares me."

He let out a long, heavy breath. What he was about to share was something that he'd never admitted to before. Max never said much about Tess' pregnancy, beyond the bald admission that she was in the family way and he was the father. Again, his pride had alot to do with that. It was bad enough just admitting to it, without going into gory details. But, unless he put it all out there, and included the glaring omission he was about to own up to, he'd never get to the bottom of what was going on with him. Ah well, in for a penny, in for a pound, might as well go the whole nine yards. He rolled his eyes. When had he started thinking in cliches?

"Last spring, when Liz and I found the orb, we were ... close. Very, very close," Max informed Isabel.

"Okay," she held up a hand as if trying to protect her fragile sensibilities, "I really don't need to know how close my brother was with his girlfriend." Isabel gave a slight shudder. Max went on as if he hadn't heard her.

"I actually believed there was a good chance of ..."

"Max! I do not want to hear what you thought the possibilities were of hitting a home run with Liz," Isabel was scandalized at the very idea.

"Anyway, I started carrying protection in my wallet," he threw her an irritated look.

"A Boy Scout," Isabel said dryly. "A Boy Scout with a condom. What's their motto? Always be prepared."

"Yeah, right. If I'm such a Boy Scout, why didn't I use it? It's not like I didn't have my wallet with me, or I didn't know it was in there," Max frowned.

Isabel was incredulous as she gave this some thought. She'd always somehow assumed that Max ... oh, she didn't know what she assumed about him, never being able to reconcile her careful brother with the idiot who got Tess pregnant. And now, finding out that he had protection on him the whole time, and yet somehow failed to use it; well, it just became another item in the long list of behavioral slip-ups that were so ... so ... abbynormal. She laughed at herself for using one of her favorite Young Frankenstein lines to describe Max.

Isabel finally worked up the nerve to ask what had bothered her ever since she'd heard Tess was pregnant.

"Max, why did you, you know ..." she made a gesture with her hands to convey what she couldn't put into words, since she didn't know how to begin to describe the coming together of Max and Tess.

"Why did I have sex with her?" Max said in a flat voice. "As I remember it now, it's because she was there and she offered."

"Oh my Buddha," she breathed.

"Want to know the kicker in all this? As bad a mistake as that was, there's one that's even worse. Remember when we were sure Brody was our enemy, and we were going to kill him?"

Isabel looked away at the memory of their misguided decision, which was still terrifying. It had been such a stupid, rash conclusion they'd drawn, and only Max's last-minute intervention stopped them from becoming cold-blooded killers.

"Once we realized that Alex had been murdered, I came to the conclusion that it was that Leanna girl in Las Cruses. Liz and I went there to kill her. Only, this time, Liz was the one to stop me from making the worst mistake of my life," Max told her. "Remember what I said when I stopped us from killing Brody?"

"You said 'this is not us,'" Isabel said in a faint voice.

"Apparently, somewhere along the line, I decided that it was us," his voice was filled with confused despair.

Max leaned forward, his elbows on his knees, raking his hands thru his hair and ending up holding his head. He finally raised anguished eyes to his sister.

"This is what scares me. Until this morning, when Liz looked at me ... damn, it was as if I was a stranger to her, like she didn't know me and what she was seeing was something she didn't even like ... until then, it all felt normal. Completely normal," he whispered. "What the hell is wrong with me?"

Isabel shook her head, her eyes filled with tears.

"I have no idea," she said.

"Okay," Isabel said in a trembling voice as she got to her feet to start pacing. "We have to think about this." She used her hand to push the hair off her forehead. "When did it it start? When is the first time you did something that was definitely not normal for you."

"Prom," Max didn't hesitate at all.

"Did anything weird happen around that time? Weirder than usual," Isabel qualified her question when Max leveled her a look loaded with irony.

"I can't think of anything," he shook his head, "other than that whole thing that happened with Brody, where he shared all these memories Larek supposedly had of Zan meeting Ava, and their great love," the sarcasm in Max's voice was readily apparent when he said said the last two words.

"That device went off in the UFO Centre, and you were right there. Do you think that it might have affected you in some way?" Isabel stopped in her tracks, sounding excited at the possibility that this might be the cause of the problem.

"No, I don't think so," Max said as he shook his head in negation. "You and Michael weren't close, but you were in the immediate vicinity. Nothing happened to either of you," he pointed out, his mouth quirking up a bit as her face fell.

"That's true," she sighed, resuming her pacing. "There's nothing else you can think of?"

"Yeah," Max said slowly, sitting up straighter, "there is one thing more. Tess and I started working on memory retrieval during that time. Right around Prom, I remember we had a breakthrough of sorts. I got some of Zan's memories of Antar."

"Do you think she did something to you then?" Isabel asked. "You just got done telling me that you could tell when she was mindwarping you. Any chance that she planted false memories?"

"No," Max slumped back down in defeat. "When I picked up on those impressions, it was like I'd opened a door that had been sealed in my mind, and it just sort of ... spilled out, I guess. The mindwarps always felt like she was laying a scene over my consciousness, and it had a definite unsettling feeling to it. Damn it," his jaw clenched in frustration, "I can't think of anything else."

"Isabel," Diane called from bottom of the stairs, "I'll need help with dinner soon."

"Okay, Mom," Isabel opened the door to call back, "just give me twenty minutes to take a quick shower and change. I'm all sticky from my jog."

"Please, please talk her out of Martha Stewart," Max begged when she turned back into the room, even as his lips quirked in amusement at the idea of Isabel being done in such a short amount of time. "I can't face that tonite."

"You and me both," Isabel wrinkled her nose at the thought. "I'll do my best," she smiled, patting his shoulder in passing as she headed for the bathroom. "Don't worry, Max. We'll figure it out."

He gave a weak smile and reached for her phone once she was out of the room, dialing the number he knew by heart.

"Crashdown Cafe. How may I help you?" came the soft greeting after three rings.

TBC

Realistic Dreamer · Post by **Realistic Dreamer** » Fri Nov 14, 2003 11:02 pm

Trying again ... posting just does not seem to be in the stars for me tonight. Maybe it's a full moon, or a lunar eclipse. Oh wait, that was last week.

Thanks so much for all the great feedback. I hope I can live up to expectations. I admit, I'm still nervous about this story.

As always, let me know what you think ...

From Chapter 2

He gave a weak smile and reached for her phone once she was out of the room, dialing the number he knew by heart.

"Crashdown Cafe. How may I help you?" came the soft greeting after three rings.

Chapter 3

"Hey, it's Max," he said. "I need to talk to you. Is there any chance we can do it after work? I really need my girlfriend right now. I can pick you up after your shift and we can go somewhere."

"Now why would I want to do that? My plan was to go home and sleep like one of the dead. Let's not even get into how much I do not want to be on the same planet with you, much less in the same car. And what are you using for transportation, anyway? I thought the jeep was toast ... literally."

"Maria, come on. I'm desperate," Max's voice got strained.

"Babe, I spent the afternoon with Liz. I've never seen her so upset, and it wasn't pretty," Maria's voice rose in her anger. "You'd be better off going to Isabel, or even Michael, because I so do not even like you right now."

"Maria, I don't like me right now," there was a wealth of self-contempt in his tone.

The only thing he heard in response to his statement was an undignified huff. Max's grip tightened on the handset as he swiveled the computer chair to face the desk. He began to rhymmically let his head fall onto the hard surface as he sought a way to convince her to meet with him. He was willing to beg, borrow, steal, buy his way ...

"I'll pay you," he offered.

"How much?" Maria's voice held some interest, and he raised his face to the ceiling, mouthing a silent "Yes!"

"I'll sign over my next paycheck," Max wheedled.

"How much do you clear?" Maria was suspicious.

"Maria," his voice rose a bit, "I need this. I need someone I trust, who knows me, and who won't give me any bullshit or sugarcoat anything that needs to be said. Besides, I know you're dying to rip me a new one anyway."

"Well, that is true, and since you're offering your ass up so nicely ..." her voice trailed off as she gave it some thought. "Okay, deal. Your next paycheck, and you can pick me up at 8:00. That's when I get off. Liz isn't working ... gee, I wonder why ... but park around the corner and wait for me. I don't want her to see me fraternizing with the enemy."

"Thanks, Maria," Max's voice was fervent.

"You might want to save the thanks until after I'm done with you. 'Course, there may not be a whole lot left by then," she said.

Max was parked in his parents' SUV at the prescribed time, leaning his head back, his eyes closed. Isabel had managed to talk their mother into barbecue and home-made fries with season salt. He'd loaded the meat with hotsauce and had three helpings. He was actually dozing when Maria opened the door and climbed in. Her first action was to smack him on the arm.

"What the hell is the matter with you?" she hissed. "I am practically backstroking in the deep end of my mother's gene pool right now. I feel all these things that she would say sitting on the tip of my tongue, just begging to be turned loose. I shouldn't be speaking to you for that reason alone. Anyone who brings out my mother in me is definitely on my shitlist."

Max held up his arm in a protective gesture when it looked like Maria was winding up for another blow. Her hand hovered in the air for a moment before she slowly lowered it. She gestured to the road in front of them.

"Just drive. I'll beat you bloody later," she said.

The silence was awkward as Max pulled out into the street and headed out of town. The mere fact that it was silent told him how much trouble he was in. The Maria he knew had never been able to hold her tongue for as long as she was holding it now. While Max had no clear destination in mind when he started up the engine, force of habit had him driving toward the quarry. It was the place they would go when they needed to figure things out ... first himself, Michael and Isabel, and then the three of them and their human counterparts. It was the last place where Max felt they had all been allies. They might not have always agreed, but they were all united in spirit. The six of them. He had a pang of sad loss, remembering the times when Alex had been an important part of the group. And it was the place that had never been tainted by the presence of Tess.

The sun was setting when they arrived, brilliant as it can only be in the desert. Max turned off the engine, and Maria jumped out, walking away from the vehicle. He hurried to follow her, and nearly ran into her when she turned abruptly.

"Look, I can tell already that this isn't going to work. I can't be objective about it, and I can't be rational about it either," Maria said as she skirted around him, intent on heading back to the SUV and totally missing his rolling eyes at the idea of her being rational. "I want to go back."

"Maria, come on," he pled, reaching out to wrap his fingers around her arm to stop her in her tracks, holding it loosely. "I need your help."

"Why don't you go to your wife," she sneered. "Oh, wait, she blasted off. Oops, forgot about that."

Max became very still. Only his eyes gave him away, and they were glittering with sudden, intense anger. Maria realized that she'd said the wrong thing.

"I've heard it from Nasedo," Max voice was tight. "I've heard it from Tess ... again and again and again, to the point where it literally makes me sick. Listen up. She is not, nor has she ever been, my wife. I never proposed, I never took her off to some Justice of the Peace for some quickie I-do's. Got that? Any idea that she was my wife was strictly in her own deluded mind."

"But, what about Zan and Ava and their great love?" Maria mocked.

"Anything that happened on Antar died when they did, something that I'm beginning to think only I understand," Max grated out. "Unless, of course, you're willing to concede the fact that Michael and Isabel were 'betrothed' in that life. Plan on giving up Michael to my sister any time soon? Gonna sing at their wedding?"

Maria yanked her arm away, stung.

"I didn't think so." Max sighed as he reined his temper back in. "Look, I'm sorry I said that, but I am just so eternally tired of everyone seeming to think that what happened in that past life is somehow supposed to play out in this one. And, of course, I'm the only one who should be exactly the same as whoever I was back then. Nasedo and Tess pushed it so much that it seems everyone buys into it now. And it's frustrating as hell."

Max moved away to walk toward the edge of the quarry, his eyes looking at nothing in particular.

"Even Liz believed it," he said as Maria walked up to stand behind him. "Did I ever tell you that she confessed as much on the dance floor at Prom? She told me that it was like waiting for some really bad news. That, somehow, I'd remember what my life was like on Antar and I would suddenly realize I was head-over-heels in love with Tess."

"What did you say?" Maria asked, curious.

"What could I say?" Max cut his eyes in her direction for a moment, before turning them back to the silent lake that was part of the quarry. "Tess and I were doing memory retrieval, and I was remembering some things. How could I convince Liz that, no matter what I remembered, my heart belonged to her, no matter what." Max blew out a breath, and rubbed his eyes with the heels of his hands, before continuing. "The bad part, though, is that I didn't even try. I don't know why I didn't. Maybe I was just tired of constantly butting my head against this belief everyone seems to have in the back of their minds that Tess is somehow my wife."

Max picked up a rock and threw it with all his strength, needing to find some release for the helpless anger that filled him every time he thought about how the past life came back to haunt him. It didn't seem to matter what kind of life he had forged for himself in this world. Once Tess and Nasedo arrived in Roswell, and began spreading their tales of destiny, the former life seemed to become the one that counted. But only for him. Not for Michael and Isabel, who quickly rejected destiny with all the squeamishness that years of thinking of each other as siblings could arouse. No, only Max was the one to have the past sticking to him like a barnacle.

It was almost funny, he thought sardonically. Everyone, on a conscious level, would swear up and down that Max was Max, not Zan. But, underneath, everyone to some degree seemed to have bought into the destiny lie.

"Liz told me about Prom," Maria said in a carefully neutral voice.

"I majorly, majorly screwed up that night," Max's tone was weary. "I'm beginning to look at it as the start of my freefall from grace," he shook his head. "Your introduction to the Unrecognizable Me."

Max turned, and started back to the SUV, Maria subdued as she walked with him. She was surprised when he didn't open her door, but steered her to the front of the vehicle, boosting her up onto the hood and then sitting next to her, his feet resting on the bumper. It was beginning to get dark, the sunset fading into the blue that always soothed her. It was one of her favorite times of the day.

"You know what's sad?" Max said as he kept his eyes focused on the darkening night sky. "Liz got it right. I remembered some things about Antar, accessed some of Zan's memories. And then, even though I don't remember hardly anything about Ava at all, and even though I don't feel a damn thing about Tess in this life, I ended up doing exactly what Liz was afraid I'd do. I was with Tess. The biggest screw-up of all ... and I'll never be able to fix it," Max laced the fingers of both hands behind his neck and he tipped his head back, despair on his face.

Maria remained silent, because there really was nothing she could say. And she wasn't exactly willing to comfort him, pat him on the hand and tell him that all would be well.

"It's a good thing I never told Liz at Prom that she'd always have my heart," Max sighed in bitter self-derision, as he brought his head down to turn and look at Maria, his arms falling to his sides. "I'd look like an even bigger hypocrite than I already do. 'You have my heart, Liz, but everything else is up for grabs.' What a joke."

"Look, just what is it, exactly, that you plan on doing, and where do I fit in with all this? You want me to try and somehow smooth things out with Liz? Is that why you brought me out here? Because I can tell you right now, I won't do it. You might be my girlfriend of months, but Liz has been my best friend for years, and I have her back first," Maria told him.

"No, I don't expect you to run interference with Liz," Max hastened to reassure her.

"Okay, then what is it that you want from me? When you said you needed my help, I have to admit, that's the first thing that crossed my mind. Not gonna happen, but I figured that my getting put in the middle was where all this was headed," Maria said.

"Honestly? I'm trying to figure out how I got this way. You may not have known me for years, but we got kinda close over the summer. Knowing me like you did back then, do I strike you as the type to pull half the shit I've pulled lately?" he asked.

Maria sighed as she scooted around to face Max, crossing her legs. She might as well get comfortable, because she got the feeling this was going to take awhile.

"Maybe you'd better pull up a couch and tell me all about all that shit, every last detail. The doctor is in," she said in a cheerful voice. "You know, if I hadn't already agreed to you handing over your next paycheck, I'd be negotiating hourly rates. Darn it, I probably would have made a whole lot more money that way. O Well, start talking ..."

TBC

Realistic Dreamer · Post by **Realistic Dreamer** » Tue Nov 18, 2003 5:10 pm

Buckle up. It gets a little bumpy here ...

When I started this, I was looking to write something a little more logical than what was presented in the show. The further I get into this, the stupider the plot direction of the show seems to me, if that's possible. There is precedence for Max going to Maria for advice. It's how he achieved girlfriend status to begin with, and he went to her after Liz gave him the Romeo and Juliet speech. Max isn't looking for someone to smooth things over with Liz. He's looking for advice. And the circle of people that he can go to and be completely honest with is very small. It really consists of Isabel, Maria, Michael, Kyle and the Sheriff. My feeling is that he would go to his sister and Maria first.

What follows is the only explanation that I could come up with if you throw out the mindwarp. It's not some earth-shattering revelation ... just my theory. TEOTW really presented us with two Maxes. There was the Max that resulted from the change in the timeline, but there was also the Max who had 14 years with Liz and seemingly never put a foot wrong. All I did was look at the time period between the disappearance of FutureMax and Departure, and tried to see where Max's actions ... his choices ... were different. And this is what I came up with. I didn't really take the lack of cementing too much into account, because I'm not thrilled with the idea of better character thru hooking up with the right woman. It most definitely helps, but in the end, if the character isn't inside the person, all the outside influence in the world isn't going to make a difference for very long.

Chapter 4

Maria was speechless as Max finished telling her everything. He laid it all out for her, just as he had for Isabel, every last detail. He had long since gotten off the SUV, pacing back and forth in front of it as he talked. He now leaned against the hood, waiting in the silence that he was sure wouldn't last long. He was just thankful that it was now totally dark, so that he couldn't see her face. Whereas Isabel was more inclined to be forgiving of Max's sins, he was pretty sure that he wouldn't be getting off nearly as easily with Maria.

"So you're saying that the only reason you can give for having sex with Tess is because she was there? Is that why you kissed her at Prom, too? Because she was there?! That's the reason people give for climbing mountains or exploring final frontiers. What is she? Some sort of alien Mount Everest?" her voice rising in disbelief.

"I don't know why," Max's voice had risen as well. "I never felt anything for her when she first came to Roswell, outside of when she was sending me those visions of us making out in the very beginning. Once I figured it out, she stopped. And after that, I never had that problem again."

Maria snorted. "Apparently, you did have that problem again."

"No," Max denied. "That was different."

"How, Max? How can it possibly be different? You kissed her then, you kissed her now, you screwed her now," Maria elaborated. "Where's the difference?"

Max started pacing again, wondering why he thought this was a such good idea when all Maria was doing was pinning him down. It was much easier with Isabel. She commiserated, felt bad for him. It was so simple, almost undemanding, to just enumerate all his mistakes.

"Come on, Max. Tell me," she challenged. "You've always been in love with Liz. I know you'll always be in love with Liz. How does someone who's so in love go off to some blonde bimbo and do what you did?"

Maria hopped off the hood and got right up in his face.

"What were you thinking? What made you take everything that was important to you and toss it aside like so much trash for some quickie with an alien ho?" she exclaimed. "What makes what happened now different from what happened when you kissed her that first time? Is there any difference?"

"She was playing with my head then," Max ground out. "She was sending me visions of us making out."

"Is that why you kissed her then?" she pushed. "You think she made you?"

"Yes ... no. I don't know," he bit out.

*flash*

ISABEL: Did you feel like something inside of you was changing...like waking up?

MAX: Something primal.

ISABEL: Instinctive.

MAX: Something not human.

*flash*

LIZ: What was it like...um, you know, kissing her?

MAX: It was upsetting. It made me feel things about myself I didn’t like. Like there was this whole side of me I never even knew about.

LIZ: The alien side.

MAX: Maybe.

"Well, what was it?" Maria's voice was impatient.

"The first time I kissed her, it was after she'd been sending me these visions," he said slowly, even as he raked both hands thru his hair in agitation. "It felt as if the alien side that I never even knew about suddenly woke up. Everything I felt at that moment was on the most primal, basest level. I had no idea how to control it. She was standing there in the rain and I knew how much she wanted it. She was offering, and I was gonna take. There was a part of me that wanted to fight it, that didn't want to do that, but it wasn't enough to make me stop myself," Max said. "And then I realized that Liz saw us, and I was suddenly back to being Max Evans, the human."

"And I'll just bet that when you kissed her at Prom, it was the same thing," Maria said flatly.

Max thought back to that night, sitting alone with his heart shattered by the realization that what he and Liz had seemed to be well and truly over. Then Tess came to sit next to him, and he told her the conclusion he had come to. She was so sympathetic, but he could tell that she would give whatever comfort he wanted, and he moved in to kiss her. He would take what he needed, even if he didn't care for her that way at all. Except, this time, there was no desire to fight it.

"It was," Max said hoarsely. "It was almost exactly the same."

"And the sex?" Maria prodded.

"Yeah," his voice was low.

"The rest of it too? Got that same feeling every time something didn't go the way you wanted it to, or you needed something, or just plain felt like your way was the only way?" she asked.

He groaned. It wasn't an acknowledgement in words, but Maria understood what he wasn't saying.

"Listening to you now, it's like going back to what Michael was like before he started getting in touch with his human side. Or what Isabel can be like at her worst."

"What do you mean?" Max whispered.

"I mean that, based on what you told me, you're about as alien as they come. You lucked out, Max," Maria's voice was full of sarcasm. "You've come to the one person who has just scads of experience with the darkside. Michael was a great teacher that way."

Max was dumbfounded. That couldn't possibly be the explanation. There had to be some other, outside influence. It was so diametrically opposed to how he'd always tried to live his life. He stepped away from her, trying to think about it rationally.

"Look, all I've ever wanted was to be human," he said, "you know that. Isabel knows it, Michael knows it. It always used to piss him off."

Michael: Why are you so scared to be alien?

"Yeah, I do know that, Max," Maria told him. "That's why I don't understand why you decided to jump into the alien side with both feet. What made you do that?"

"I didn't do anything," Max cried. "I didn't wake up one morning and tell myself that it was a good day to be an alien."

"Well, you sure as hell did something, Max." she contradicted him. "You told me yourself that you and Tess were working on memory retrieval. What was it you said? You felt like you'd opened up a door that had been locked in your mind, and the memories came to the surface. You deliberately went looking for Zan inside your head, and you found him and turned him loose."

"That's ridiculous," Max scoffed.

Maria blew out her breath in exasperation. If there was one thing that she was on sure ground about, it was anything to do with selfish, self-centered side of the alien nature. It was like Max had done everything he could to emulate Michael's early behavior, and he'd even ratcheted it up.

"You chose this, Max. Just like you chose to do your best to be human, you grabbed on to the alien side of you with both hands," she said. "Unless it was a mindwarp. I wouldn't put it past that skanky ho to tiptoe thru your brain cells. But you said that you could always tell. That leaves just you."

My whole life I've wanted to be this person, this normal person. Human. My whole life I've been thinking that this alien side of me was this bad thing. This thing that made me a freak. This monster. I realize that I haven't just been hiding from the government and the law all this time. I've been hiding from myself ... I'm ready to wake up now.

The conversation played in his head, over and over, and he realized that Maria was right. He'd chosen to give himself over to the alien side. Only, with him, it would seem that being the king made him even more alien than either Michael or Isabel. For the first time, he wondered if that funky seal tattooed on his brain was something that had been dormant, and it was also activated when he was in New York. Crap, he just had to go and wake up everything that was Antarian inside him, didn't he? He remembered the old saying "let sleeping dogs lie." Well, old sayings were old sayings for a reason. They were almost always true.

He tried to figure out why he was so bothered the first time he kissed Tess, yet didn't seem to care that much after that. He shook his head. Maybe, it was because the first time it happened, it was at the same time that Tess was messing with him, and the alien side took him by surprise. And he didn't want anything to do with that alien side ... it was what made him different from Liz. His heart plummeted. When he was going after Zan's memories, he wanted it to happen. He fully opened himself up to the experience, just as he'd made the conscious decision to "wake up."

Damn, what was he going to do now?

TBC

Realistic Dreamer · Post by **Realistic Dreamer** » Wed Nov 26, 2003 5:35 pm

The holidays are seriously cutting into my writing time, along with this idea my boys seem to have that we need to be going to the movies all the time. You should see the list.

This is shorter than I wanted it to be, but I was getting upset with the idea of leaving the story lagging.

Your feedback has been incredible, and I love hearing from everyone.

Chapter 5

The ride back to Roswell was almost as quiet as the ride out to the quarry had been. Maria was disinclined to talk, while Max had no idea what to say. She'd given him alot to think about. He'd been up for almost two days now, not having gotten any sleep since well before the Granolith had taken off. There had been too much to do ... meeting with Liz one last time, making the good-bye tape, getting everything together, destroying the jeep. Damn it, he loved that jeep. Max sighed. He just wanted to sleep for days, but he was sure that even if he were to try, he wouldn't be able to shut down his brain as he turned over the revelation that Maria had given him.

He thought he was screwed before. He had totally underestimated how seriously screwed he actually was. His life looked like the aftermath of a train wreck ... totally derailed and broken, with debris everywhere. He likened himself to the engineer who'd been asleep at the switch, or at the very least was totally unfamiliar with the machinery he was placed in charge of.

Max slowed as he pulled up in front of Maria's house, shifting into park and turning off the engine. He stared straight ahead, his hands gripping the steering wheel. Maria waited.

"How's Liz really doing?" he asked softly.

"She's angry," she told him. "Really, really angry. Hurt, disappointed ..." her voice trailed off.

He closed his eyes and nodded.

"Max, just leave her alone, okay? Just ... leave her alone," Maria said as she opened her door. She got out, closed it behind her, and never looked back as she walked up to her porch.

He watched her enter her house, and leaned forward to put his forehead on the wheel, his heart shredded. He stayed there a long time, before finally starting the engine and pulling away. He didn't see the flutter of the curtains as Maria let them close, not knowing she had been watching the whole time. She shook her head as she went off to bed, ready to sleep for a week.

Max didn't even remember how it was that he got home. He pulled into his driveway and suddenly seemed to realize that he'd reached his destination. The house was silent and dark, eveyone having retired for the night. He slowly climbed the stairs, feeling older than his years. He turned on the lights, closely the door quietly behind him. As if drawn, he walked up to his dresser, pulling open the top drawer. Max knew which corner held what he was looking for, hidden under some socks.

After he'd confronted Liz in Copper Summit, and heard her confirm once again the fact that she and Kyle had made love, he'd taken all his pictures of her and put them in his drawer. They were out of sight, but he couldn't bring himself to do anything else with them. He dug around until he found his favorite.

It was one that Maria had taken of the two of them after the Crashdown had closed, back when they were dating. He had helped the two of them clean up the restaurant, and he was waiting for her in the break room. He was sitting on the stairs to the apartment while she changed her clothes in her room. When she came down, Max simply moved to the side, thinking she wasn't ready yet. She surprised him by sitting on the step just below him, settling between his legs. He'd immediately wrapped his arms around her from behind, and she rested her arms on top of his. They were sitting in contented silence when Maria came up with her camera. She'd wanted to blow off the last of the roll of film so she could get it developed, and she took their picture. Liz had a serene smile on her face, while Max was more serious, both of them gazing at the camera.

He settled on the bed, holding the frame, studying her face. With his finger, he traced her features. Her smile was gentle, her eyes luminous ... she was happy. And he remembered the way she'd looked that morning. Her eyes were cynical and hard, her body stiff, anger radiating from her.

Liz, I think that what I'm afraid of isn't that we try this and it works out really badly. What I'm afraid of is we try it and it works out really well. I'm afraid of feeling everything that I know I would feel. Because I know it's not meant to be. And somewhere down the line, we're gonna get hurt. I can live with that. I just couldn't bear to hurt you.

Max pulled in a shaky breath, his throat tight as he remembered. When he'd told her that, he'd truly been afraid that some aspect of his life, some circumstance or event that he couldn't predict, would reach out and devastate her. Never, ever had he thought that it would come from him.

Everything he'd done in the past two months totally undermined all that they'd ever had. It was in ruins. And why was that? Because he ultimately didn't believe in the love of his life, yet believed the lies of relative strangers. He'd been hurt and disillusioned by the one person he loved and trusted above all others. He knew that there was more going on than met the eye. But, instead of continuing to have faith in the Liz he knew, he became so disappointed and lost as a human that he'd allowed himself to be alien for the first time in his life. But that was just an excuse. He might be a hybrid, but it was up to him to control both sides of his nature. Alien side, human side ... they were both still part of him. And that made him responsible for what he'd done.

They say that adversity will prove the mettle of a man. Well, all it proved was that he had the potential to be so incredibly arrogant, self-involved and mean-spirited that it took his breath away. In two months, he'd systematically torn down everything they'd ever built their relationship on ... right up to, and including, their friendship.

Starting in the morning, he would have to try and begin to figure out how to rebuild his life. He'd trusted the wrong people, simply because they were the same race. That trust allowed Tess to use Alex in the worst possible way, ultimately killing him. He'd given away his innocence to a traitor in cavalier fashion, fathering a child that he couldn't even protect on this planet. He'd betrayed himself and the girl he loved, after tearing her down in almost every conceivable way.

And he was ashamed, because while he had become mired in a woe-is-me self-centeredness, he knew that Liz would rise from the ashes of this debacle with her spirit intact. Tess had been right about one thing ... he was nothing but a boy.

Dreams of Liz, of a future with her, had always been his saving grace. Take that away, and the grace was gone. Liz would be alright, because she had a core of steel under her quiet spirit. He needed to find that inside of himself as well ... the ability to stand and be the man that he should be.

Max knew that he had to talk to her. He needed some answers, but more than anything else, he needed to let her know how sorry he was for everything that had happened. But that was all. He wouldn't put her in the awkward position of begging her to take him back. He'd done enough.

Maria was right ... the best thing he could do for her would be to leave her alone.

TBC

Realistic Dreamer · Post by **Realistic Dreamer** » Sun Dec 14, 2003 4:02 pm

Season's greetings, Gentle Readers.

I'm sorry about the delay, but the whole Christmas season is putting the screws to writing time.

When I started posting this, I had alot written, because I'd started it over the summer. Once I got to chapter 4, it was all write-it-as-I-go. Time is in rather short supply right now, with decorating, shopping, baking, Christmas programs, etc., etc.

Thanks for all the great feedback and the bumpage. I should mention that there is one part in a conversation in this next chapter that has some serious Pirates of the Caribbean influence to it. If you've seen the movie, you know exactly what it is. There is no infringement intended, as I didn't quote word-for-word. But the influence is there. I hope it's okay. Also, any quotes from the show I got from the transcripts at Crashdown.com. Again, no infringement is intended. Gotta love this disclaimer stuff.

Chapter 6

Liz rolled over as her alarm clock continued it's incessant beeping. She reached blindly with her hand, feeling across the hard surface of her nightstand, before finally finding it and turning it off. With her other hand, she pulled her pillow over her head, allowing herself those few moments of time that exist between waking and sleeping. That time where it doesn't matter how badly your world has fallen apart, everything is peaceful and calm, there are no problems ... the closest thing to Nirvana on earth. It might only last for 20 seconds, but during those 20 seconds, life is perfect.

She had come to cherish that little interlude in the last few days. They were the only moments of time that allowed her to keep her grip on her emotions. Liz was a tangle of anger and pain. Her stomach churned with it, the tears were seemingly never far away, and there were moments when she would have to leave whatever room she was in to pull herself together after feeling her control fray.

It all tumbled around inside her head, every emotion begging for attention. Liz would move from one to another, but couldn't seem to stay with one particular feeling for very long. She couldn't even catgorize them, there were so many. Betrayal that went all the way to her bones at the thought of Max and Tess, even if it was somehow supposed to happen. Helpless rage at the waste of tearing down Max's love and trust so completely, at the behest of his future self, when it was now clear that Tess was a traitor. Guilt that her actions changed so many events and shredded lives, and all for naught. Hurt at how Max had turned on her, humiliating her in front of Tess and taking back their friendship. She wondered now why she believed him when he'd said that he would always be her friend.

Her mind could never turn it off. And the thing that caused her the most pain was that, underneath it all, she still loved him. How could that be possible? Everything that happened should have killed it, right? But, if she looked hard enough, past all the other emotions, it was still there ... bruised, battered and on life-support. But it was still there.

And that was what finally convinced her that FutureMax's plan of making his present self fall out of love with her was the stupidest idea known to man.

I've been wrong about alot of things. But I was right about one thing ... to get you in my life, to be around you, to love you.

Even after everything that happened, he was still in love with her too. She knew it, just as firmly as she knew she was still in love with him.

Liz threw her pillow aside, and sat up in the middle of her bed, crossing her legs Indian style and pushing her hair back from her face. She frowned, irritated with herself as the tears came to the surface yet again. Reaching for a tissue, she wiped her eyes and blew her nose, tossing it into her wastebasket.

The problem was, it didn't matter that she still loved him, or that he still loved her. It wasn't enough anymore. There was just too much to overcome. The love didn't take all the actions and magically make them go away. In fact, the love just made the actions seem that much more heinous, because with love there was a built-in trust. Trust that the person who loved you wouldn't tear you down, trust that they would remain faithful to you, trust that your heart was safe with them.

Liz reached over and grabbed the entire box of kleenex as the tears welled and overflowed. What a two-edged sword this turned out to be. Max had that trust in her at one time, and she'd systematically pulled it apart with her words and then with the scene she'd set up with Kyle. Well, now she knew exactly how he'd felt. She was just so damned lucky. Not only did she get the pain of destroying Max's faith in her, ripping out her own heart as she inflicted those seemingly necessary blows. Now, she got to understand exactly how anguished he was at her staged betrayal. Because she truly knew firsthand the breathtaking pain that he'd felt.

It was just so unfair. The last thing she'd ever wanted to do was hurt him. She loved him, and only wanted to cherish and protect the heart that he'd given her. It was absolutely vital that she make him fall out of love with her, she was told. The survival of the world depended on it. Only now, months later, it was soo abundantly clear that pushing him to Tess was the last thing that should have happened. Nasedo and Tess had done their work well, playing them all like fools as they put their plans into action.

Liz could feel a tension headache beginning to build behind her eyes. Crying always did that to her. She got up and went into her bathroom, needing to find some Advil and having every intention of popping three tablets. Two would never get the job done. Reaching for the knob on the medicine cabinet, she stopped, gazing at herself in the mirror. Her eyes were red and puffy, with dark circles under them, which spoke of long nights of restlessness. She'd toss and turn, unable to stop thinking, remembering.

"I felt that...and I know you did, too, and I know you think that...that I need to let you go...for the sake of Michael, and Isabel, and my race...so you went to Tess. But she can't be you. Tess can never be you.

Liz, there's something I need to tell you. It's about Tess and me ... Our relationship is... uh, we spent the night together ... Tess is pregnant."

Liz sank down on the edge of the tub, her knees giving way at the memory of Max's revelation. Unbelievable. She rested her elbows on her thighs as she threaded her hands thru her hair. She stared at the pattern of the tiles on the bathroom floor, tilting her head. She could see the design that played out over and over. It was predictible. No matter where you looked on the floor, the pattern was constant.

So she'd changed the future. The design for her life should still be clear. She loved Max, he loved her. She thought about his future self and all the little details he'd revealed, almost against his will. They eloped and had their wedding dance. They were inseparable, nothing ever coming between them. They were cemented. That was their pattern ... a love so strong that they were one.

Liz laughed without amusement. She was seriously losing it if she was comparing her life to floor tiles.

'I so need to get a grip,' she thought.

She got up, feeling her head pounding fiercely now, and headed back to her room. Liz carefully lay down on her bed, burying her face in her pillow. If she was honest with herself, what she expected to happen after the whole FutureMax debacle was nothing like this. She'd expected Max to get closer to Tess, to be sure, but she'd expected him to be faithful. That expectation had it's roots in the love they had for each other, but it also had alot to do with the fact that when Max had told her that Tess could never be her, she believed him. The Max that she loved and believed in would have never had sex for the sake of sex itself. His innocence would have been given to the love of his life, or it wouldn't have been given at all. She guessed she was wrong about that.

"Just tell me one thing do you love her?"

"Not like I love you."

When she'd told his future self that she would be alone, she'd meant it. She hadn't even bothered to refute FutureMax when he said that Kyle was turning into a great guy. What did that matter? She could have never given herself or her virginity where her heart didn't lay, and her heart would always belong to Max. Even now.

"I saved myself for you!"

Liz sat up, picked up her box of tissues and threw it violently across the room. When she dreamed of her first time, she always saw Max - only Max. She envisioned them as being tentative and a little clumsy, which would only add to the sweetness of their coming together. Learning together, exploring the wonders, giving the gift of having saved themselves for each other.

She let out a bitter little chuckle. Now, only she was the innocent one. Only she still had the gift to give.

"Just always be my friend. Will you do that, Max?"

"You know I will."

"Liz, if you go, our friendship is over."

Never would she have thought that he would turn on her. Her cheeks burned as she thought back to the scene at the Valenti home, a scene where Max ridiculed her and humiliated her in front of Tess.

She believed above all else that he would always be her friend. Before they'd started dating, they were friends. It happened quickly and it went deep, but that relationship was there. It was the foundation of their greater commitment to each other. Liz truly felt that their friendship was what would carry them thru, until all the crises were over. They might not be able to have the bond that exists between lovers, but they could have the bond of trusted friends. And it would be the basis for whatever happened when the conflicts were finally finished, the danger was past, and they could resume their normal lives again.

She shook her head in momentary sardonic amusement ... or, as normal as their lives could possibly be, given the fact that Max, Michael and Isabel were alien hybrids.

But Max had proved that their friendship didn't mean as much to him as it did to her. She should have known when he refused to back her up on Alex's death. That had been a shock. She hadn't expected him to be overly thrilled with her theory, but she'd never thought he'd make it an aliens-against-the-humans issue.

Liz knew that she hadn't handled it well. She'd chosen the wrong time and place, and when Max didn't agree with her, she'd lashed out at him, accusing him of not considering her theory because then he would be responsible. She hadn't meant that. She'd made it sound as if it was his fault, when what she'd meant was that their ongoing conflict with Kivar and Nicholas was the cause, something that Max had no control over. And she knew that what she'd said played right into Max's fears that their heritage would one day be the cause of great harm to one of their human counterparts.

But until that disastrous day, it was always the two of them against whatever was going on - alien or human, it didn't matter. They approached it as a united front. When she told him that she felt Alex had been murdered by an alien, he drew the line in the sand, and when she crossed it, their friendship was over.

Liz got up, realizing that she needed to get dressed. She was taking longer shifts at the Crashdown, since school was over for the summer. She just really needed to keep busy. At the same time, she dreaded going to work, thinking that Max would show up. She knew that his plan was to also take on more hours at the UFO Center for the summer, needing the money to replace the jeep. Liz could thank Maria for that piece of information.

Maria had come to her the day after Tess had disappeared, telling her all about Max's phone call and her meeting with him.

"You do realize, chica, that I kept to the code, right?" her voice was slightly anxious as they ducked thru Liz's window. Maria wanted a little more privacy while she gave Liz the 411, so they went out onto the balcony.

"The code?" Liz asked, her brows raised.

"The best-friend code," Maria said. "Find out everything you can, and give nothing back. Look, Max may have worked his way up to girlfriend status last summer, but my loyalties are with you. Besides, I figured it would be a good way to run interference. If he was going to harass you, I wanted to know about it, so I could kill him right then and there and save myself some time."

"What did he say?" Liz couldn't stop herself from asking, as she sat down on the lounge chair.

"Well, he's had a wicked attack of conscience," Maria sat next to her. "I'm surprised I didn't go blind. The light that dawned was this close to a nuclear mushroom cloud," she held up her thumb and index finger, showing less than a centimeter of separation.

"There I was, all set to let him know what a total asshole he is, and he beat me to it," her voice was slightly disgusted. "Now, I ask you ... where's the satisfaction in that?"

"What do you think?" Liz pressed.

"Honestly?" she asked. At Liz's nod, she continued. "It's nice that he knows it now, but it's a little late in the day. Even Michael at his worst wasn't nearly as bad. Max screwed things up sixty ways from Sunday."

Maria rolled her eyes in exasperation.

"And that's another thing ... every time I think about it, or talk about it, all these sayings that my mother used on me over the years just come rising to the surface, and I find myself saying them. He should die just for that."

Liz gave a small laugh, one that trailed off quickly.

"What do you mean, 'it's nice he knows it now?'" she asked.

"You and I have both known Max since the day he showed up in 3rd grade," Maria sighed. "Granted, we didn't know him all that well, since he was so quiet and shy and kept to himself and all; but never in all that time has he ever struck me as the type to do all the things he did in the last two months."

"He *told* you?" Liz was amazed.

"Oh, yeah. Every last, nasty detail. I felt like I was Mother Confessor or something. Some of it matched up with what you'd already told me, but there were some other things in there, too," Maria arched an eyebrow at Liz's 'tell me everything' look. "Let's just say that he spread the joy of knowing AssholeMax around quite a bit. I can't believe Isabel didn't kill him."

Liz was surprised to find out that Max had alienated others besides herself with his actions, especially when she considered the fact that he seemed to have visited his wrath on Isabel, too. Liz had never known Max to ever be anything but considerate, protective and long-suffering when it came to his sibling. She knew that Isabel could exasperate Max beyond measure, and that he understood she many times carried her Ice Princess persona to the extreme, but never had he ever done anything to warrant Isabel wanting to kill him. Outside of saving her life that day, that is.

"What did he do to her," Liz demanded.

"You know how Isabel applied to different colleges?" Maria asked. At the shake of Liz's head, Maria elaborated.

"Isabel was on the fast track to graduate early." Liz's eyes widened a bit, and Maria nodded. "I know. I was shocked, too. I had no idea. Anyway, she applied, and was accepted, to a college in San Francisco. Apparently, she hadn't told Max about her future plans, and sprung it on him without warning. It was right after Alex died," Maria's voice broke a bit before she continued, "and Isabel really, really wanted to get away."

Liz's eyes filled with tears at the mention of Alex, and she reached for her tissues, taking one and handing Maria the box. They both wiped their eyes before she continued.

"Max had a fit," Maria said, sniffling a bit as she wadded the kleenex into a ball. "No, that's not even close. Max had a meltdown. He told Isabel in no uncertain terms that she absolutely could not go away to school. When she let him know that he couldn't tell her what to do, Max told her that if she pushed it, he would tell their parents that she was on drugs." Liz gasped, and Maria nodded in agreement. "He also told her that he would inform her teachers that she cheated on every single exam she ever took. And if she did leave anyway? He would come and physically drag her back."

"Okay, that is seriously not like Max at all," Liz frowned. "None of this is, really."

"Tell me," Maria agreed. "He even worried Michael, if you can believe that. I remember Michael telling me not too long ago that he ran into Max in the park. He didn't really tell me what it was about, except to say that he didn't understand Max at all anymore. I didn't read too much into it at the time, because they were always butting heads. They never did see eye to eye on most things, so I just figured they took it to a whole new level. The only thing I thought was odd was the fact that Michael noticed it. You know Michael; he was never big on feelings ... his own or anybody else's. Although I have to admit, he's improved mightily lately."

Maria's smile was misty as she thought back to how much Michael had been there for her. His support after Alex's death was nothing short of a revelation, never leaving her side, staying with her and Amy during those trying hours before the funeral. There was no way she would have made it thru without him, and his gruff concern was amazing. She hugged the knowledge that he'd stayed for her closely to her heart.

"He really has," Liz agreed sincerely. "I'm so happy for you, Maria. You deserve it," she gave her friend a warm hug.

"It's ironic, isn't it?" Maria said. "Michael is becoming more and more human, and Max is becoming more and more alien."

"Come again?"

"The way I figure it, Max decided to get in touch with his alien side, in a big way." At Liz's look of disbelief, Maria continued. "Work with me here. Nobody knows the downside of the whole hybrid thing like I do. Michael is like the poster boy for being alien, and Isabel isn't much better, in my humble opinion," she grinned for a moment, before sobering.

"They're arrogant, self-centered and could give a rat's ass about other people's feelings. What they want is what they want, and that's all they know. If they step all over you to get it, that's just the way it is," Maria told her.

At Liz's widened eyes, she shrugged.

"You forget, this was the story of Michael's and my relationship, up until not too long ago. Max was never like that, I think because he's been in love with you since forever, and being alien was a barrier between the two of you. So, he tried to be as human as possible. I guess what I don't understand is, why give in to it now?"

What Maria told her made alot of sense, Liz thought to herself as she put on her uniform. She tied on the apron, brushed her hair back into a ponytail and put on her headband.

The problem was, it didn't change a thing. Knowing a possible reason why it all happened was nice, she supposed, but it did absolutely nothing to relieve her anguished feelings. Max still betrayed their friendship, he still humiliated her in front of Tess, and he still had a child that he'd fathered with her. He'd let Alex's killer go free. And even though she had no idea how he could have possibly handled the responsibility of passing judgment on Tess for the murder of her best friend, she still resented how easily Tess got away, especially when she considered the reason for letting her go ... Max's child.

Liz sighed as she checked herself one last time in front of the mirror, before grabbing her order pad to go downstairs. Maria had told her that she'd told Max to leave her alone, and Liz appreciated that. But, she knew in her heart that she would be seeing Max before too much longer. And she also knew that she really had to see him. Because, if there was one thing that Liz hadn't lost sight of in this whole mess, it was that the FourSquare was once again missing a member. And the end of the world was still number one on the hit parade.

Realistic Dreamer · Post by **Realistic Dreamer** » Sun Dec 28, 2003 9:58 am

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year, Gentle Readers.

I hope that the Christmas season has been wonderful for everyone. I've been cooking and cleaning like mad for days, because everyone was coming to my house. It made for scarce writing time. But, my house is my own again, and it actually sparkles.

Thanks to all for the generous feedback and for sticking with this story. It's hard to write. I had a much easier time writing Send in the Clones. That was short and fun, not like this, which is sad.

This is the start of the conversation between Max and Liz. There is no way to properly address this in just one chapter, so I'm dividing it up. I'm not sure how many it'll be, but this is installment A.

As always, I love hearing what you think ...

Chapter 7A

Liz sat on her chaise lounge, gazing up at the stars. While she would never be able look at them the same way again, being one of the few who understood that there really was life out there, her feelings about them were constantly changing.

At first, they were just points of light that graced the skies, spread across the heavens, glorious but remote. Then, they became so much more important, the birthplace of the boy who had become everything to her, warm and almost close enough to touch in gratitude for the gift they'd sent her. Now, they were the arrogant authors of the cosmic joke her life had become, silently laughing at her. It was enough to make her want to kick her telescope right off the balcony.

Liz had taken to sitting outside most evenings, her candles lit, the small lights she had strung doing their best imitation of the stars she was rapidly coming to dislike. She was waiting ... waiting for Max. It was inevitable, and she was to the point that she'd starting making herself available, wanting nothing more than to get it over with. She wasn't eating, the idea of food making her slightly nauseous, she wasn't sleeping well, and it felt as if she was on her way to developing an ulcer, her stomach churned so much at times. While she wouldn't seek him out, Liz wasn't hiding either.

It had been a week since Tess left. Time had taken the sharpest edge off her anger, but that was all. In it's place was a steely resolve to see the fiasco thru. Max needed to know about the FourSquare, what had happened in their original timeline when it was weakened by losing a member, and the possible timetable of the end of the world. There was no way she could sit on this knowledge, disastrous as it was, with a clear conscience. But Liz was tired of the weight of the world resting on her shoulders. It was time to pass the burden on.

While this was her intention, there was a little voice inside her head laughing uproariously at the idea that she could totally relinquish the responsibility and walk away. She just knew too much to be able to turn her back and let it play out however it would. She was the girl who always had to have a plan. To drop it all in Max's lap and wash her hands of the whole thing just wasn't in her nature.

Damn. Another Catch-22 was staring her right in the face. If she let it go, she would never know a moment's peace, but if she let herself remain involved, she would have to deal with Max on at least a basic level.

It was as she was contemplating this latest lovely turn of events, she heard his voice softly calling her name.

"Liz. Are you there?"

She got up slowly, walking toward the edge of her balcony. Her pulses started pounding, her stomach twisted, her hands actually trembled a bit. She clenched them into fists at her sides as she peered over the ledge. Max stood in the dim light, gazing up at her.

"Max," she acknowledged briefly.

"I know that I'm the last person you want to see right now, but is there a chance that I could come up?" his voice was hesitant as he raked a hand thru his hair. "I'd really like to talk to you ... if that's okay."

"All right," Liz nodded in agreement after a slight pause.

She backed up and turned away, walking toward the farthest part of the balcony, her back turned to the spot where he would make his appearance. She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to calm her thundering heart. While she hated confrontation, she knew that the encounter would probably get ugly. She concentrated on breathing in and out, in and out. She heard Max climb the ladder and vault over the ledge, taking a few steps forward before coming to a stop.

The silence was deafening. This was, without a doubt, the most awkward moment she had ever been in. Neither one of them knew what to say, so for a rather lengthy period of time they both said nothing. Liz moistened her lips before shaking her head with a sigh.

"I don't know you anymore, you know," she said without turning around, her eyes staring at nothing. "Everything that I ever believed about you, trusted about you, understood about you ... it's all gone. Disappeared, as if you never existed. Oh, you still look the same, but that boy I fell in love with ... he's just gone."

"No, Liz ... he's not," Max protested, his voice catching.

"Yeah, Max, he is," Liz turned to finally look at him, her eyes hard, her voice flat. "The boy that loved me would never have hurt me," her fingers unconsciously wrapped around the spot where he'd grabbed her so roughly, rubbing the area. "He would have believed me when I told him that Alex was murdered. He would have never taken back his friendship."

Her eyes filled with tears.

"You promised, Max. You promised me that you would always be my friend. Do you have any idea how much that hurt?" her voice rose.

"Yeah ... yeah I do. It probably hurt as much as the night you told me you loved me, only to leave me watching you walk away from me the very next day," Max said quietly.

She shook her head. "That's not the same thing. I may have felt like I couldn't stand in the way of ..."

"Do not say that word," Max cut in sharply.

"Fine," Liz rolled her eyes. "I might not have wanted to stand in the way of the 'plan for your life,'" she made imaginary quotation marks with her fingers, "but I never told you that the love I had for you was over."

"Why didn't you wait, Liz? Everything was so insane. I couldn't even think straight after the white room, much less try and keep up with all the revelations, and then make sense of them all," Max said, remembering so well the despair he'd felt. "You could have waited, and gave me time to try and figure out what it all meant, before running."

At Liz's look of protest, he nodded as if he already knew what she was thinking.

"I know ... it was just as confusing and upsetting for you as it was for me," he sighed. "I guess I just wish you would have stayed, and we could have tried to figure it out together."

"Then why did you let me go?" she demanded. "You came after me. Why did you stop?"

"Honestly?" he asked. At her nod, he gave a helpless shrug. "I have no idea. Even while I was following you, there was this part of me that still thought that maybe you'd be better off without me in your life. You'd been kidnapped, terrorized by a shapeshifter, and had to come rescue me from the special unit. And that was only in those few days. My life was always going to be like that. And then, I had to add saving another planet into the mix. Michael coming along, telling me I had to let you go, almost seemed like a confirmation of what I was thinking."

"Or, maybe I thought that it had all become too much for you. I told you that what we'd learned changed nothing about what we'd decided. I told you that you meant everything to me. Maybe I thought that you walking away meant that those things just weren't enough anymore," Max said. "I don't know."

Max ran his hand along the ledge of the balcony. He had positioned himself close to the ladder, not wanting Liz to feel that he was crowding her. He considered it a miracle that he was even there at all, so he stayed where he was, going back to the habits of his lifetime. Don't draw attention to yourself, don't rock the boat.

"But I should have ... come after you, I mean. I never should have stopped trying. My first big mistake, one that I'll always regret. Because, by the time I realized that I should have tried even harder, that I shouldn't just let you walk out without fighting for you, it was way too late. You were gone, and when you came back, there was no convincing you anymore. Can I ask you something?" his voice was hesitant. At her slow nod, he continued. "If I would have shook Michael off and come after you, would you have stayed? Could you have changed your mind?"

"Honestly? I have no idea," Liz bit the corner of her lip, staring at the ground and thinking back to that difficult day, as she repeated his words back to him.

Max finally asked the question that had bothered him ever since they had activated the orbs in the podchamber.

"What made you leave?"

"A combination of things, I suppose," Liz wrapped her arms around herself again as the memories washed over her. "It's one thing to fall in love with Max, the alien. I knew that you were not of this earth before we ever really got involved. It's a whole other story to be involved with Max, the alien king, who has a mission to go save his planet."

He nodded, as if what she had told him was merely a confirmation of what he already believed.

"But, I know that I could have gotten past that. Once the initial shock wore off, and I had some time to really think about it, I realized that we could have still found a way to be together. Even if it was only for however long it took for you to work on your gifts and become strong enough to go back, we could have made it work," Liz's voice held a determination, something which led Max to believe that she had indeed worked thru that part of what had made her question her involvement with him.

"You know, there has always, always been a little part of me that was resigned to the fact that you might have to go back to wherever you came from someday. I mean, someone took great pains to send you here. That's not something that's done for the ordinary Joe Schmoe. That just leads to the inevitable conclusion that there is a definite reason for you being here, some greater purpose," Liz told him. "I wasn't naive about that."

"While I was in Florida, I gave it all alot of thought," she raised her eyes to his, a steely glint in them. "I chewed on it for a long time, weighing the heartache that would come against now knowing with absolute certainty that your responsibilities to your home world would force you to leave. I could have done that, Max. We could have wrestled a lifetime's worth of love out of however much time we had."

"It all comes back to Tess, doesn't it?" he said, his question rhetorical.

Max, for as much as he felt a certain sense of loyalty to the woman who gave birth to him ... originally and scientifically, he qualified in his head ... could have cheerfully kicked her ass for her romantic notion of sending the four of them together. His life couldn't have been complicated enough by the fact that he had all these responsibilities to another planet. He could have lived with that, because he was basically a responsible guy. No, he had to be saddled with an alien girl whose entire being revolved around the idea that he was meant strictly for her. Except, that the alien girl was also the traitor alien girl who left a path of devastation in her wake.

He watched Liz closely. Her demeanor closed up dramatically with the mention of Tess. Max thought back to what he'd told Maria the week before, about how Liz heard that Tess was his wife in that other life, and that she had become resigned to the fact that he would someday remember his love for her.

"It was the words 'young bride,' wasn't it?" he asked.

She gave a jerky nod of her head, her eyes once again filling with tears despite her best efforts. She looked away.

"You said as much on the dance floor at Prom, and I never got it," Max paced in the small space by the ladder. He still didn't want to come in too far, not wanting some physical move into her personal space to cause her to ask him to leave. "All I heard was that you were in pain and that you were suffocating. Because of me; it was my fault. I think I stopped hearing at that moment," he gave a rueful laugh of self-derision. "I never got the point you were trying to make ... that you were worried about my suddenly remembering some great love for Ava."

"And it happened, just like I figured it would," Liz's voice, for all it's bitterness, caught in an involuntary sob, causing her to turn her back.

"I never felt any love for her at all," Max entreated her. "No love in this life, nothing remembered from the past life."

Liz shook her head with a snort of derisive laughter.

"It's true, Liz," he pled. "Do I remember some things about her? Sure. But they don't mean anything to me. With the memory retrieval, I have some of Zan's memories. And when I healed Larek, I got his. But, they're like watching a movie on a screen. There's a hint of emotion connected with them, but nothing that lasts."

"Well, Max, that's great to know," she said in a voice with no emotion. "But, it doesn't change much, does it?"

Max started to move toward her, his heart breaking at her despair, his hand coming out to touch her shoulder. He stopped just short, allowing his hand to fall back to his side. He didn't have the right to offer any sort of comfort; in fact, he knew that it would be less than welcome. His eyes closed in silent grief, before slowly backing up to his original position by the ladder.

This was going to be his cross to bear ... the ruination of his dreams, the devastation of the one person he loved above all others, the sad wreckage of his life. And all because, in a moment of lonely desolation, he gave into an impulse of reaching for forgetfulness thru an act that, instead of bringing relief, brought everything he'd ever hoped for and yearned for crashing down around him. His greatest mistake ... the one could never be fixed.

TBC

Realistic Dreamer · Post by **Realistic Dreamer** » Wed Jan 21, 2004 6:48 pm

Gentle Readers ...

This is shorter than I wanted it to be, but I had to recreate the whole thing after my computer took a dump.

If it seems slightly disjointed, I actually planned it that way. I patterned this after the latest disagreement my hubby and I had. I don't know about anyone else, but when we disagree, it's messy. We start on one thing, and the next thing you know, we're on something totally unrelated to what we were originally fighting about, and we have to try and get back on track. We derail quite often during an argument, and that's how I'm writing the whole Max/Liz "conversation."

I'm also posting a really awesome banner that BordersInsanity made for me. It's on page one, so please be sure and take a look.

I'd love to hear from you, as always, and thanks for the patience with my computer woes.

From Chapter 7A

"And it happened, just like I figured it would," Liz's voice, for all it's bitterness, caught in an involuntary sob, causing her to turn her back.

"I never felt any love for her at all," Max entreated her. "No love in this life, nothing remembered from the past life."

Liz shook her head with a snort of derisive laughter.

"It's true, Liz," he pled. "Do I remember some things about her? Sure. But they don't mean anything to me. With the memory retrieval, I have some of Zan's memories. And when I healed Larek, I got his. But, they're like watching a movie on a screen. There's a hint of emotion connected with them, but nothing that lasts."

"Well, Max, that's great to know," she said in a voice with no emotion. "But, it doesn't change much, does it?"

Max started to move toward her, his heart breaking at her despair, his hand coming out to touch her shoulder. He stopped just short, allowing his hand to fall back to his side. He didn't have the right to offer any sort of comfort; in fact, he knew that it would be less than welcome. His eyes closed in silent grief, before slowly backing up to his original position by the ladder.

Chapter 7B

Max ran a hand thru his hair. Isabel, long ago in the fall, had worried that he would get Zan's memories of Vilandra's betrayal and suddenly hate her. Finding out that Vilandra had done something so horrible scared Isabel badly. Did she have the potential in her to do the same thing all over again? That was terrifying in and of itself. But she had also been afraid that Max would turn his back on her once he found out; he would remember the loathing Zan had to have felt for Vilandra, and he would somehow hate her now. Once she'd told him everything, scared to death, he had spent a good deal of time reassuring her that his love for his sibling was still the same.

"You know, Isabel used to worry about the exact same thing that you were afraid of," Max said slowly. "She used to think that I would someday remember that Vilandra was a traitor to Zan and her entire planet, and I would hate her. That I would have these memories of us all being killed because of Vilandra's betrayal, and I would cut her out of my life."

Max sat down on the ledge, thinking back to the time when Isabel was so troubled, yet he couldn't figure out why. She had been so distant, ever since killing Congresswoman Whitaker. He'd always thought it was because of the fact that she'd taken another life. And, although he knew it weighed heavily on her soul, he had no idea that she was secretly terrified of what she'd learned about Vilandra. Once he'd finally found out what was really bothering her, he spent a long time reassuring Isabel that she was different from Vilandra.

"Even if I did suddenly remember everything that happened when we ... died," his voice caught, "I would never take those feelings and substitute them for what I feel about Isabel now. I love my sister in this life. What happened in that past life happened to another person. Maybe Zan did hate Vilandra for what she did, but that's not Isabel," he raised his head to look at Liz. "The same goes for any feelings about Ava. It was another time and another place. Maybe Zan really did love Ava back then, but that's over and done with."

He watched Liz as she raised her hands and threaded them thru her hair, tipping her face back to look up at the stars, her back still turned.

"Then why did you say it?" she said in a weary voice.

"Say what?" Max asked.

"'Not like I love you.' Remember that?" she looked at him over her shoulder, as her hands fell back to her sides. "I do."

Max closed his eyes, his heart sinking to his feet as he remembered their last conversation.

"Ah, you obviously do too," Liz turned, and read his expression correctly.

"Liz, I didn't mean it the way it came across," he shook his head, wondering how he could have botched it so badly.

"You didn't mean that you loved her, just not as much as you loved me?" her eyebrow raised as she stared across the space between them, a space that was growing expotentially, even though neither one of them had moved.

Again, Max shook his head, unable to look at her.

"Then what is it exactly that you did mean by that sentence? Come on, Max. You're an honor student. Communication shouldn't be a problem," Liz's voice rose for a moment, before she made an effort at calming herself down.

Max rested his forearms on his thighs, his hands loosely clasped. He gazed at them as if they would give him some help with trying to explain to Liz what he'd meant.

"When I said that, obviously it was before we found out that Tess was a traitor," he said in a low voice. "For a long time, going all the way back to before I went to New York, she was like this constant presence in my life. No matter what happened, no matter how bad things got, she was always there, always supportive and encouraging. Of course, I now know the real reason why. But, that night that I came to your balcony with the Gomez tickets," he faltered, "that same night she found me in the park and sat next to me, just being a friend."

Liz turned away, her eyes filling with tears. She had no idea that Tess had found Max the night that she'd staged the scene with Kyle. She remembered the devastation in his eyes as the eager hope died, the tickets falling from his hand. She'd found them the next morning, lying on her balcony, and put them in her journal, unable to bring herself to throw them away.

It was bad enough to have done what was supposedly necessary. To find out that Tess, sweet little opportunistic Tess, was right there to offer aid and comfort the very same night, was shattering. They should have both been alone in their pain, bound only to each other by the tenuous thread of mutual anguish that stretched across the physical distance between them. That night, Liz and Max ... even if it was the future version of himself ... had sacrificed their blazing happiness on the altar of the good of the world. It was a night that had somehow become almost sacred in her mind. And now Liz learned that it, too, had been tainted by the presence of Tess.

She spent an idle moment wondering how on earth the wench knew where to find Max that night. Oh, that's right, it's because she was a stalker too, Liz reminded herself. She came back to the present when Max continued.

"I'd actually forget she was there," he said, remembering back to the moment that broke him. "All I could see was your face, and Kyle in your bed, replaying over and over in my head like a bad movie. I don't imagine she got much out of that night. I don't think I said more than two words to her, but eventually I walked her back to the Sheriff's, and went home. That was where it started. After that, it was always that way. She was just there. But people that I cared about kept falling away. Isabel and I weren't getting along, and Michael and I were hardly even speaking to each other, because it always turned into a major disagreement. And when our dupes came, it all fell apart."

He raised his head to look at her closed expression.

"There was a reason why I took her with me to New York, beyond the fact that she was this loyal friend," he grimaced at the words. "I found out about Vilandra's betrayal of Zan thru Lonnie. Isabel never told me herself. At the time, it was just one more secret that was being kept from me, and Lonnie played it for all it was worth. By the time she was done, there was a huge rift between Isabel and Michael and me. Tess was the only one left. There was no way I was going to New York alone, with no one to watch my back, and Tess was the only other candidate," he shook his head in bitter amusement. "Ironic, that."

Liz wrapped her arms around her waist, trying not to give in to the impulse to turn around and climb back thru her window. Hearing any mention of Tess Harding just made her want to crawl right out of her skin. But, she was the one who brought it up, so she would see the whole painful explanation thru. And that was only because if she didn't, it would gnaw at her and give her no peace. She sighed. It was almost a shame that she knew herself so well.

"Tess just became this really good friend. And I cared about her that way," Max said. "I developed a real affection for her in that respect. Another piece of stupidity, in retrospect."

"So, let me see if I'm getting this right. When you said 'not like I love you,' what you meant was that whatever love," Liz made imaginary quotation marks with her fingers, "you felt for her was strictly a platonic, friend thing?"

Max nodded his head. Liz stared at him for a few moments, before taking in a deep breath. Max could see fine tremors that were beginning to shake her hands. She clenched them into fists, held rigidly to her sides, and her eyes snapped with anger.

"Did you even think about what was going to come out of your mouth before you opened it and let the words fly?" her voice trembled with outrage. "Do you even understand that the last thing I would have remembered you saying is that you loved me, but that Tess seemingly could be a close second? That for the rest of my life, every time the thought of you ran thru my head, I would have wondered whether somewhere on that needy planet of yours, you would have eventually come to love Tess more than me?"

Max dropped his head into his hands, shaking his head. He wondered if it would ever stop. All the things that he'd said and done in his total self-absorption .... he thought that he'd catalogued them all in his head. And he realized that this was one that he hadn't even remembered to add to the list.

"No," he raked his fingers thru his hair before resting his forehead on his knees.

"Obviously not," Liz agreed with great sarcasm.

Max raised his head to look at her.

"Liz, I am so sorry. You're right. I would have left you with the worst possible impression of what I felt for Tess. It was an incredibly stupid, unthinking thing to say," he said slowly. "But, do you think that you're the only one that would have wondered about the person left behind?"

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Come on, Liz. From the day you came back from Florida, you've been leaving me. I could never catch up to you. I run into you on the street after you've been back for two days, and the first thing I find out is that you're getting a new job," Max countered. "You just wanted to put it all behind you, you said. A fresh start, you called it. I wasn't in those plans at all."

Max thought back to how beautiful and mature Liz looked that day, how determined she seemed to build a different future. She told him she was happy to hear that the summer had been uneventful, that it was a good thing for them. Them, not us. The separation was already there. It was just another piece of cosmic irony that the job that was going to give her that fresh start turned out to be another, concealed entrance to the alien abyss.

"All I could do is keep trying. Do you know I spent a week learning the lyrics for that song I sang to you from Mr. Delgado at the hardware store?" he looked slightly embarrassed, thinking back to the mariachi band and the sombrero, flushing a bit. "I would have done just about anything to get you to realize that I still loved you," his voice held a note of pain.

Liz felt her eyes fill with tears again, and turned away, hearing the echo of an older, more mature voice telling her that very same thing. She remembered the bittersweet look in FutureMax's eyes as he fell headlong into the memory of how desperate he was to get her back. For him, it ended up being a good memory, because it was one of the things that chipped away at his Liz's resolve, ultimately leading to the night they'd cemented. For this Max, it was just another failure in a long list.

"Realizing that you tried to set me up with Tess was bad enough. But the worst was listening to you spell out for me what you wanted for the future. A life with no danger, where you and your children would be safe. Going out with normal boys," Max's eyes grew anguished, and his voice shook. "I couldn't give you that. I couldn't give you any of that."

He took a deep breath, rubbing the heels of his hands over his eyes.

"And then I had to watch you go for it," he said, getting to his feet to stand by the ladder, gripping the frame. "I was so jealous. Thinking about you and Kyle was bad enough, but when I could really think about it, it somehow never made sense to me," he frowned. "That's why I kept asking you about it, because nothing added up there. Thinking about you and Sean was what tied me up in knots."

"Sean!" Liz exclaimed.

"Yeah," Max nodded grimly. "You and the normal boy. I'd come to the Crash and he'd be hanging around, or he'd show up after hours, all friendly," he said, remembering back to the time that Max worried about Liz locking up alone late at night when they thought a serial killer was loose in Roswell. "Man, it hurt when I came to Maria's house and found the two of you laughing and having fun. I couldn't remember the last time you and I just shared a laugh. When Brody lost it, and you wanted me to heal Sean ... no, you demanded that I heal him, because you said it was my fault that he got hurt," Max shook his head, letting his voice trail away. "I didn't want him to get hurt either. I just didn't want him to hurt Brody because of something he had no control over. And you were willing to let him in on this secret. He might have a thing for you," Max told her, "but there's no love lost between him and me."

He turned to stare out over the darkened streets, the breeze too warm on his face.

"I used to wonder if you'd started dating him, if the two of you kissed," he said in a faraway voice. He turned his head to look over his shoulder, his eyes filled with questions. Then he turned away, shaking his head. "Never mind. I don't think I really want to know, and it's none of my business anyway. Just ... don't think you're the only one who would have wondered."

Liz debated with herself whether to tell Max anything about Sean, but she wasn't sure what she felt herself. He was a friend who could be more than a friend, if she chose to go that route. There were some interactions that she'd had with him that made her feel guilty. Liz stopped her thinking in it's tracks. The waters were being muddied.

She'd told herself that she was going to hear it all out, hash it all out, and then move forward from there. When she'd gone over all of it in her mind, she had a very clear idea about what she wanted to say. There were things that she wanted to bring up that had bothered her for awhile, but now that she was actually interacting with Max, the conversation was moving in all sorts of directions that she hadn't planned on. His responses were nothing like what she'd played out in her head. She'd had it all figured out, and now the script wasn't being followed at all.

Liz's expression hardened as she brought her focus back.

"Sean is a friend," she said coolly. "A friend I can count on."

Max nodded slowly, his head still turned away, her meaning unmistakably clear to him.

tbc, of course

Teeny A/N ... I have to go and work on Always Waiting for Someone Else for a bit. It's been way too long since I updated, Max and Liz are wringing all the emotion out of me, and I have about 1/2 the newest chapter done for that story. By sheer coincidence, I left Zan and Elise right in the middle of nookie. Gonna go work on that and give my heart a rest.

Realistic Dreamer · Post by **Realistic Dreamer** » Tue Feb 17, 2004 8:30 pm

Gentle Readers ...

The conversation continues. I've wrestled with this for awhile, because there were some things that I wanted to get in, and I decided that I've wrestled with it enough. Oh, and it helps to have computer woes (again).

I would love to hear what you think, as always ...

From Chapter 7B

"Sean is a friend," she said coolly. "A friend I can count on."

Max nodded slowly, his head still turned away, her meaning unmistakably clear to him.

Chapter 7C

"When I needed him, he was there," Liz's voice was deceptively calm, almost conversational. "When I wanted to find out how to break into the school, he tried to talk me out of it. But, when he realized I was going to do it either way, he didn't just abandon me. He went with me."

Liz watched Max as he listened to her words, his reaction a physical thing. He seemed to shrink under the weight of guilt, before deliberately straightening his spine. All the anger and hurt of that time was flooding thru her, to the point that she couldn't have stopped the accusation if she tried. And she found she didn't want to, so she finally said what had been bottled up inside her for what seemed like forever.

"That should have been you, Max. You should have been the one who was with me. It should have been the two of us breaking into that school, looking for Alex's killer. I don't know what hurts more ... the fact that you didn't believe me, or the fact that you didn't back me up even if you didn't believe me."

Max turned around to finally face her, head erect and eyes downcast. His spirit quailed under the truth of her words. He had absolutely nothing to say in his own defense, because it was all true. He deserved this, he earned it with his actions. It was more than time he owned up to it and was accountable for it. But, he would hear it all out first, because as much as he should hear every word, Liz deserved to have every word heard.

"There wasn't one thing that you've ever asked of me that I haven't done," Liz's voice was full of hurt accusation. "You needed me as your way into Copper Summit, and I was there. You were being haunted, and you needed a friend, and I was there. You were in New York and in danger, and in some freaky alien way I was there. Same thing with the gandarium. You don't know what it is, so you run to Ms. Scientist to help you figure it all out. Anytime, no every time you needed me, I was right there, because that's what friends do."

She stood close to the window, absently wringing her hands together. It was a physical outlet for the emotion that kept building inside of her. Her thumb would rub against the palm of her other hand, she would link her fingers together, only to release them. They were actions that she repeated over and over without realizing it.

"I needed one thing from you, Max," she raised steely eyes to him. "I needed my friend to believe in me. When I came to your house that night, I was totally overwhelmed, and I went to the one person I thought I could count on. You even made me think you believed me when I told you that they wanted to rule Alex's death a suicide," she gave a sardonic little chuckle. "I counted on you to help me."

Max could feel his guilt rise, choking him with it's sour bile. He knew that he had failed her in so many ways ... too many to count, really. He'd come as far as to admit it to himself. But, to hear the hurt and anger and bitter disillusion in her voice filled him with remorse that was an unrelenting ache.

"This wasn't some inconsequential thing that happened to some nameless guy. This was Alex, Max," Liz breathed in sharply, momentarily overcome. She raised her hands to swipe at the tears that fell, and stopped to steady herself. "This was Alex," her voice was quiet.

"Next to you, and my parents, and Maria, he was the most important person in my life," Liz's eyes were tragic.

"I know," Max said sadly. "He paid the ultimate price for being a member of the 'I Know an Alien Club,'" he shook his head in self-recrimination. "We had no right to ever involve any of you in our lives."

"Don't do that," Liz said sharply.

Max looked up in surprise at the vehemence of her tone. At his questioning look, she continued.

"Don't take it all on your own shoulders. You do that all the time," she told him.

"If Alex hadn't have known us, become our friend and learned our secret, he wouldn't have died," Max argued. "You were right that day. I was responsible."

Liz stepped closer to Max, moving away from the wall. She realized that he had misconstrued what she'd said in Alex's room after the funeral. She wasn't sure what possessed her to put it that way, but she obviously needed to make herself clearer.

"Max, I never meant that you were personally responsible for Alex being killed. How could I ever think that? But, you were burying your head in the sand. You were refusing to look at even the possibility that his death was alien-related. To you, if there was an alien involved, that would somehow make it all your fault, because that's what you do. So you wouldn't even entertain the idea, because if you denied it, that would somehow make it all go away," Liz said.

She moved away a bit again, feeling unsettled at being close to him. His quiet demeanor was so much like the Max that she used to know, that it was confusing her. It was hard to remember the Max who had shattered her belief in him, when faced with the sad, remorseful boy that was in front of her now. She needed to tighten her grip on the reality of the situation.

"And you wouldn't even give me the benefit of the doubt," her voice was stronger again. "You refused to think that I knew my best friend well enough to know that he would never consider suicide, because that made it easier for you to go along with what the Sheriff and everyone else was thinking. It eased your conscience and it got you out from under the weight of all that self-imposed liability. You wanted so badly for his death not to be because of an alien that you turned it into an alien vs human issue. And you split the group."

"You're right," Max said, and then he grimaced. "I seem to be saying that alot, but I can't, I won't deny it. It's all true."

"You weren't responsible for Alex's death, but do you want to know what you were responsible for?" Liz asked. "It was up to you to find out the truth, to make sure that Alex's death was looked at for what it really was, not what you wanted it to be."

Max nodded, saying nothing, and Liz sighed.

"You're not the author of every bad thing that happens, Max. None of us knew that Tess was a traitor, and none of us knew that she couldn't be trusted. Which one of us could have possibly known she was a murderer?" she said.

"I'm the leader. I should have known," Max insisted.

"How? How could you have possibly realized that the girl who was sent to complete the foursquare had turned? I heard the message from your mother, just like you did. Tess was the fourth. Once everyone heard that, it was guaranteed acceptance. Nobody saw her for what she really was. Nobody," she maintained.

"And my acceptance of her into the group cost Alex his life," he said.

"You still don't get it," Liz exclaimed as she raised her eyes to the heavens. "You can't be responsible for everything and everybody. Remember when I told you to take that Psych class, because you were controlling? You obviously didn't do that. Your taking everything on yourself denies people the right to decide for themselves, to make their own choices and accept whatever good or bad comes from them."

Max continued to look unconvinced, and Liz stepped close to him again. He needed to hear this, to understand that, even as devastating as it had turned out, Alex would never have changed his decision to become involved in the 'I Know an Alien Club.' That he had no regrets about not walking way from Max, Michael and Isabel.

"Alex was involved because he wanted to be involved. He chose this, just like Maria did and just like I did," she told him. "Alex wouldn't have changed anything. Do you remember when he and Kyle were trapped in that cave with the gandarium?"

At Max's nod, Liz continued.

"They were sure they were going to die, and Kyle asked Alex if he had regrets about being a charter member of the 'I Know an Alien Club.' Alex told him that he was one of the few people on Earth who could really say with certainty that there was life on other planets, that he was a part of something that was so much bigger than himself. Alex told him flat out that he had no regrets," she said softly, "something that Kyle let me know after Alex died. He didn't turn in his membership card after he got out of that cave, now did he?"

Max could feel his throat get tight with unshed tears as he shook his head. He marvelled at the capacity for acceptance in Alex's heart, admired his steadfast loyalty. He had a good idea how Alex felt about Isabel, that he was in love with her, and he wished that the two of them would have had more time together before he'd been taken from them. He wished too that he would have spent time getting to know Alex, that he would have been able to realize first-hand what a great guy he was. Another regret added to an already monumental list.

"Thanks," his voice was strained.

Liz nodded, backing away as the need to try and help Max understand gave way to another uncomfortable moment. She knew all about the guilt that came with having no foreknowledge of the ramifications of taking certain actions. Max accepted Tess into the group after the message from his mother. Up until that point, Tess was the outsider looking in. But it was almost impossible to argue against the fact that she was the fourth alien, that she'd been sent as part of the foursquare, and that his mother wouldn't have knowingly placed a traitor in their midst. If you can't trust mom, who can you trust? So, they let her in.

Liz also dealt with the guilt of knowing that her actions had changed the course of history, and that it robbed Alex of years of his life. She'd done the best she could with what she knew, in the face of certain disaster. After all, there really is nothing to beat the Apocalypse ... on the scale of 1 to 10, the end of the world has to rank as an 11 at least. She'd made her decision based on that knowledge, with no way of knowing how it would turn out. But she was no more responsible for the death of Alex than Max was. They'd done the best with what they had. She came out of her reverie when Max spoke again.

"You didn't have to do that," he said. "It would have been easy for you to let me just continue thinking the way I was." He shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans, staring at the ground. "I would have deserved that. Even now," he glanced at her briefly, "you're still fair. You're still loyal to those you care ... cared about," he clarified.

Liz watched him hunch his shoulders.

"I don't have that. Loyalty, I mean. Not anymore. I used to," he frowned. "But it's pretty obvious that, somewhere along the line, it became all about me. About what I want, about what I need, about what I think. Just like a king," he snorted. "I'm actually finding it hard to believe that I ever wanted to reform Antar, like Larek said. Or that I was the 'beloved leader' that the message from our mother referred to."

"Maria seems to think that you've gone over to the darkside. That you've embraced your alienness," Liz said carefully.

"Whether I did or not," Max shook his head, "that doesn't excuse what I've done. If I have an alien side that was in the driver's seat, which I'm neither counting nor discounting at this point, it's still all me. I'm still responsible for what I've done, the mess that I've made of things. Any way you want to look at it, I was out of control."

Max pulled his hands out of his pockets, standing tall and looking Liz right in the eye.

"You deserved my loyalty," he said quietly. "Even if no one else believed you, I should have had your back about Alex. You're right ... I should have been the one breaking into the school with you, investigating his death. Even if we weren't together as a couple," his voice wavered for a moment, "as your friend, I should have helped you, supported you. You've been there for me countless times, and I should have been there for you. Not even because I owed you, but simply because you were my friend and it was so important to you. I know it probably doesn't mean anything now, but I'm so very sorry for that ... that I failed you so completely as a friend."

Liz bit her lip as her eyes brimmed with tears that slipped down her cheeks, and Max longed for the right to brush them away.

"I wish I could just tell you that it's all forgiven and forgotten, Max. But I don't know when I'll get to that point," her voice was shaky, "or even if I ever will. You didn't believe in me, and you tore me down so completely. I can't trust you anymore. I can't believe anything you say. I'm sorry."

Max could feel the weight of regret and anguish crushing his heart. While it wasn't unexpected, because he'd so totally ruined everything, the finality of it left him nearly gasping for air. Again, he steeled his resolve. He hadn't come to change Liz's mind, or to beg for her to take him back. He'd come to let her know how very sorry he was that he'd failed her in every way that he could possibly have done so, and to ask for her forgiveness. He wasn't naive enough to think that it would be forthcoming, given the scope of his wretched behavior, but it was so very final now.

"I understand," he nodded, beginning to move toward the ladder.

It was in his mind to simply remove himself from her presence, her tears a silent testament to the pain he'd caused her. He'd inflicted himself on her long enough. Max hand his hand on the ladder, ready to swing his leg over the ledge and climb down when her voice stopped him.

"You can't go yet, Max," Liz's voice was weary. "We have one more thing to talk about."

(and the conversation will continue)