Burn for Me (ML / Teen) (Complete)

[Kath7]

Author's Note: First, I want to thank everyone for their patience with this part. Secondly, I'd also like to thank everyone for the wonderful awards I won this round. They really mean a lot. I am so pleased, particularly by Best Author of a Conventional Couple Fanfic and Best Author of a Dreamer Fanfic. It really means alot. I'm hoping to have a new part of Born of the Stars up this week. I know I say that a lot, but this time I actually have a couple of evenings at home, so the odds are better.

Finally, I just wanted to say...I know this thread is getting really long. Please don't think that I'm taking modly advantage and pruning all of your fics while leaving mine alone! lol I'm going to save up what I have tomorrow (I guess tonight) and prune like a madwoman. lol

Anyway, without further ado, Part 11.

Part 11

After he loses her in his dreams, he begins to play the old game of "what-if" during his many sleepless nights . He knows that all his "what-ifs" are just fantasies, daydreams in the dark. But during the long periods of solitude - when Pierce bores of him, or is preoccupied by something else, and leaves him in peace for days at a time - he indulges himself.

"What-if" she lives? "What-if" their connection has been severed because she thinks he is dead? "What-if" she is out there alone, missing the flame of his presence in her soul, just as he misses hers now?

"What-if" she is out there, alive, and not alone? "What-if" she has moved on without him?

Some of the "what-ifs" have easy answers. If she is alive, he is overjoyed. If she thinks he is dead, he is glad, because he does not want her to suffer the worry of knowing that he lives on in this horrible place. If she misses him, he regrets it, knowing that he is undeserving.

What he feels when he reflects on "what-if she is out there, alive, and not alone" is more complicated, and it takes him many days to decide that, were it true, he would be relieved. He would be happy. Because, he loves her enough - loved her enough he reminds himself, when he is getting too comfortable with the fantasy that she might truly be alive somewhere - to not wish a moment’s sorrow upon her.

He remembers with agony the two times he made her cry.

The first was when he told her that he needed to take a step back, that they were moving too quickly, that being with him was too dangerous for her. Her tears were resigned then, but her determination was not quenched for long. The flame continued to burn between them and roared to life again within weeks, because he had been unable to resist her. She was his dream come true. He was young and foolish, then, and if she wanted to be with him, then who was he to say no? He loved her. There had been too many years of "what-ifs" to deny, too many dreams to live, for those few happy weeks before Tess.

The confusion over Tess marked the second time. He recalls the loss of control those days heralded, how Liz’s faith in him wavered only briefly, before it strengthened again, burning on loyally throughout that awful time.

He remembers that she almost cried the last night he saw her. He remembers the tears in her voice when she stroked his neck briefly, lovingly, her fear and pain and anger over what Pierce did to him making her emotional. But his strong Liz did not fail him, even then. She died for him that night. And he can never forgive himself for it.

He can not bear the thought of even one more tear being shed for him. Not from those dark eyes he loved so well.

If she is alive, out there, not alone, and smiling, then there is still a God out there, too, somewhere, in spite of all evidence to the contrary.

***

The others remain in the main area of the suite, waiting for Kyle’s father. He is arriving any minute, having taken the first plane from Roswell that morning. They are uncertain if he knows where Max is, but the chances are good. Kyle says that his father will have traced the call. Sheriff Valenti has spent too many sleepless nights since Max and Liz’s loss to not have done so. He has struggled with Max’s request to forget him, but he knows what is right. He is determined to bring Max home.

They are all determined to bring Max home, Beth most of all, now that she knows exactly who he was to her, how much he meant to her, and that he saved her life.

She will save him now.

She knows this, but it is still overwhelming. Because of that, Beth is sitting on the bed she slept in, staring at the wall. The entire story of who she was before, how she and Max first connected, and exactly how much she has lost over the past years, is now told. She needs a few moments alone to collect herself, and they all seem to understand. They have been kind and patient with her over the past twenty-four hours, as she adjusts to the strangeness of it all, and she is grateful for it. She understands easily why these were her closest friends, even if she still cannot remember.

That she cannot remember makes her angry. She has never felt so frustrated by her lack of memory, even in the first days after it disappeared. She feels that if she could only remember, she would know exactly what is troubling her. She suspects that she would be able to find Max with no problem, and that she would even be able to figure out exactly why Zan was drawn to her from the first moment he laid eyes on her three years before.

She is not stupid. She understands that there is a reason that Zan and Ava found her in the bus station that day. She only wishes she knew what it was. She does not understand how fate could be so cruel as to put her in a position where she is going to break the heart of someone she loves. Because there is no avoiding it, and it is not fair.

Beth glances at the clock. It is close to noon. She knows that she must call Zan soon. In spite of everything, she is being unfair to him. She realizes now that she cannot continue to ignore him until Max is found. She cannot make him suffer uncertainty on top of everything else.

She presses her lips together, then closes her eyes, taking a deep breath. Her stomach is clenched with dread. She cannot remember a single instance in three years where she has not looked forward to talking to Zan. She hates it, but understands that it is what is going to be from now on. She must learn to accept it.

Her entire life for the past five years has been about accepting things that she cannot change. She can do this, too.

She moves around the bed, picking up the phone there, and dialing out. Moments later, her own voice on the answering machine sounds in her ear. Beth sighs, but leaves a message for Zan to come see her at the hotel. She hangs up, and tries Lonnie’s cell phone.

"Yeah?" Lonnie picks up after the third ring. She sounds out of breath, and not a little harassed. "Just a sec," she continues. "Rath, turn that racket down!" she screams. There is loud music pounding in the background.

Beth reflects in amazement at the normalcy of it all. Is it a just a regular day to them? Will they not miss her at all? She realizes that, if this is true, it is a good thing.

Deep down, she knows that it is not true. They are all playing a game that nothing has changed. But, everything has. It will never be the same again.

"It’s me," Beth says quietly. She is unsure what to say to Lonnie. While she understands why Lonnie dreamwalked her - that it was the price she had to pay for her friend’s acceptance - she still feels hurt, and not a little betrayed.

But, in the end, maybe it makes them even. Lonnie betrayed her, but Lonnie also knows that Beth is going to betray her brother. She has always known it, and she accepted her anyway.

There is no innocence on either side. And, perhaps, because of it, they can stay friends. For now anyway.

There is a long pause. "Hi," Lonnie says now, sounding careful. "Are you okay?"

"Yes," Beth replies. "I’m still at the hotel." There is another long silence. Beth wonders if she should say something to Lonnie about what she knows, senses that Lonnie is considering broaching the subject too, probably aware that the Roswellians have told her the truth. Finally, though, Beth simply continues, "Is Zan with you?"

"No," Lonnie sounds relieved, as though Beth’s silence, on the matter they are both thinking about, means that she is forgiven. Beth knows that it does. Because she has no right to judge anyone. Not with what she knows that she is going to do.

"Isn’t he there?" Lonnie asks. "He said he was coming to see you."

"He’s not here." Beth frowns. "I guess I’ll just wait for him then. If he calls you, tell him I’m looking for him."

"Okay," Lonnie agrees. "Beth, do you want us over there?" she asks tentatively.

Beth cannot tell if Lonnie wants her to answer yes or no. So, she says, "Do you want to come?"

Lonnie is good at this game. "If you want us to."

Beth sighs. "Maybe later. I need to talk to Zan first."

"Did you have any luck finding him?" Lonnie asks, her voice low, as though she doesn’t want Rath to overhear. Beth knows that she means Max, wonders why Lonnie even cares. Maybe she thinks that if Max is never found, things can just go back to normal. That they can pretend that none of this ever happened.

"No," Beth replies curtly. They cannot go back.

"Okay, well, call if you need anything," Lonnie replies. "We’ll be here."

Beth feels a moment’s affection for the other woman. She understands that Lonnie does not mean just in their apartment. She means that Lonnie, and Rath, and Ava, will be there for her no matter what she decides.

It only increases her guilt. Because Beth is almost certain that there will come a time when she is going to have to make a choice of friends as well. This isn’t just about Max and Zan. This is about all of them.

There are two of each of them. But there is only one Beth. She is only one person and she cannot be divided in two. She is not an alien. She is only a girl and she is undeserving of all this love and support.

Because, even without her memory, she knows which choice she is going to make. Even without having laid eyes on Max, she now understands why she never felt entirely comfortable with Zan. He was wrong. They were all wrong. She loves them, but they are not hers. She cannot take them back with her. She knows this deep inside, it makes her feel guilty, but she does not belong with them. They are not the past, and, she somehow understands that, they are also not the future.

She is Liz Parker, not Beth, and, she will always be Beth with them. She no longer wants to be Beth. She wants to be Liz. She does not remember Liz, but Liz is more comfortable in a day, then Beth is after five years.

Roswell came first. Max came first. She has made her choice, she feels the guilt of it, but she cannot regret it.

For the first time in five years, she knows exactly what is right. She no longer needs to use instinct. Instinct has not failed her in five years, but it is no longer necessary. The truth of what she must do burns within her, a flame she suspects is the connection to Max reestablishing itself as her heart turns back to him. Even if her head doesn’t remember, her heart does.

She is surprised that knowing what is right does not reassure her, that it does not make her happy. Whenever she felt the "wrongness" before, she was always sure that to know what was truly right would be liberating. That it would be empowering.

It is not.

She finds that knowing what is right does not mean that she does not ache for what is wrong.

[Kath7]

Author's Note: Okay, some of you SHOULD be able to figure out the literary inspiration to this from this part. Remember! PM me! lol First right guess wins a prize!

Oh, and sorry I'm late again! But it's still technically Wednesday here.

Kath

Part 12

Zan moves in with her shortly after they first make love. The strangeness of the morning after quickly evaporates, but only because Beth decides to ignore it.

But she never quite forgets.

Zan goes along with it, making Beth question whether he ever felt that there was anything wrong at all. She is relieved because for the first time since the river there is no instinct to guide her. She does not understand the wrongness, so she will not talk about it. There is no reason to discuss something that neither of them will acknowledge, and so they just move on.

In time, they are closer than ever - a real couple. They make each other happy. It is a good relationship. They both feel that they were meant to find each other; that they both felt the same sense of waiting until they were in each other’s life; that there is a reason that they are together.

It is only after almost two more years, when the dreams she once had of him return, that she understands that it is not necessarily a goodreason. Because she now recognizes the dreams for what they really are - fearful nightmares of what might be.

She begins to wonder if the reason they have found each other is because she is meant to destroy him. But how can she possibly destroy someone she loves so much? She refuses to accept that this might be true.

She ignores the nightmares at first, pushes them away, lives in the day. But she learns to dread the night. She tells him the truth about the dreams, because she often wakes gasping in his arms. She is afraid all the time. Certainly not of him, or that she will lose him. She knows that he will not reject her. It is not in him to do so.

No, she is afraid for him. She is afraid what having her in his life will do to him.

She also knows that it is not in her to leave him.

She does not want the nightmares to come true. If she leaves him, they will not. But she is a coward. She cannot face the world alone. She has lived that, and she cannot go back. Not yet. Maybe never.

She knows that it is wrong that she does not love him enough to do what is best for him. She is selfish, though. She cannot give him up. She knows that they have found each other for a reason. She cannot leave him until she knows what it is. In spite of everything, she feels that it is not entirely about what she envisions in her nightmares.

She is right.

It is only later - much later, after all that was meant to be has been - that she understands that they did find each other for a reason, but that it was not about her at all. That she is not the one destined to destroy him.

No, in the end, it is not about her, but she plays a part.

Because, in the end, for her, he chooses to destroy himself.

***

Zan is on his way across the lobby of the hotel, when he becomes aware of a man standing near the elevators. He is an unremarkable middle-aged man, casually dressed, with sandy blond hair, craggy skin, and a capable air about him. He does not look at all dangerous.

Zan feels a shiver descend his spine anyway. Somehow he is already aware that the next few minutes are going to completely change everything.

The man is quite openly staring at him, his mouth hanging slightly ajar. He looks as though he has seen a ghost. Zan sighs, already understanding why.

The man composes himself and moves forward. "You changed your mind," he says. "You heard about Liz."

"I’m not who you think I am," Zan replies quietly, aware that the man is going to be disappointed. Zan remembers Tess’s explanation about this man, Kyle’s father, who blames himself for what happened to his original. "I’m not Max Evans."

Jim Valenti’s eyes widen. "Good God. You’re Zan. Kyle wasn’t exaggerating, was he?"

"I guess not." Zan shrugs. He feels weary. He is tired already of being mistaken for his original. He knows that he will never live up to what they all remember Max Evans to be. What Zan knows Max still is. Because he has felt him, and he knows why his original stays away. And, even without the bond that exists between them, he would know it anyway. Max has told this very man exactly why he will not return. It is to protect those he loves.

And, yet, this man standing before him has flown across the country to make sure that Max comes home anyway. They miss him enough that they are willing to take the risk of having him back, rather than do without him any longer.

But Max will never agree. Zan knows it. He feels it.

He has spent the night embracing the connection he now acknowledges to that other him. It has existed for years, but he is finally accepting it, opening himself to it.

He is finally accepting it because there is no choice. He has spent three years refusing to accept what is truth. What he should have known from the night he healed Beth without any sort of connection. What he should have understood from the moment they first made love, and she remained closed off from him. He and Max are connected in a way beyond what Lonnie, and Ava, and Rath feel for their originals.

It is because Beth is the link between them. Zan does not quite understand how it is so, but he knows that it is true. They have both chosen her and, because of it, their connection is stronger than it was ever meant to be.

Zan wonders if Max feels him, too. He wonders if Max knows that Beth has not been alone these past years. He wonders if his original hates him as much as Zan hates Max.

He hates him for having found Beth first, hates him for being the king Langley really wanted. Zan hates him because he knows that he is weaker than Max, that he is unable to give up Beth without a fight. Zan knows that he would not have survived five years in captivity. He hates that Max did, and he does not understand how it was possible. Thinking Beth was dead, as the sheriff told Kyle was true, should have made Max realize that there was nothing left to live for.

Zan’s original lived. He lives. He lives, he is staying away, but he is still coming between Zan and Beth, and Zan hates him for it.

Zan hates that he loves Max for it. That he admires him, and that he knows that Max deserves to come home.

He hates that he knows that whatever hope he had that Beth might choose him is fruitless. Because Max staying away will only make those who love him more determined to bring him back, out of his solitary hell.

Zan knows that Max is living in hell. He knows that he cannot bear feeling it for the rest of his life. Even if he does win Beth in the end, Zan will always feel Max, and know that he has won his life only because another was stronger.

"It’s dangerous for you to be here," the sheriff tells him gruffly. Zan blinks, forcing himself to pay attention to the older man.

"What do you mean?"

"One of the reasons that Max isn’t coming back is because he’s scared the FBI is watching his friends. They might mistake you for him," the sheriff tells him. "You’re putting yourself in jeopardy by being here."

Zan feels a rush of horror. The sheriff is right. How has this thought never crossed his mind? He is not scared for himself, but he is frightened for his siblings. Until now, the FBI has thought that Max is the only alien, or so Michael told him last night. If the FBI thinks he is Max, and follows him home, they will see Ava, and Lonnie, and Rath. They will know that Tess, and Isabel, and Michael are living in the hotel. They will understand that they are all different. They will all be exposed.

Everything that Max has done, everything he has survived to keep his friends safe, will have been in vain.

The sheriff seems to sense Zan’s shocked bewilderment, because he grasps him by the arm and propels him into the elevator. "We’ll just go upstairs. It’s all right, son. We’ll figure this out."

As the elevator climbs to the top floor, Zan begins to feel a mounting dread. If they have been watching Max’s friends, the FBI must already be aware that Beth is alive. She is in more danger than anyone, because they must know that she is the one person they can threaten who will bring Max out of hiding. In fact, it is likely that they believe that it is Beth that has caused Max to break out of his prison. Because, after five years, why else would he have done it?

It is a question that Zan has already asked himself. Why now? Why, after five years, has Max Evans finally decided to free himself? Zan senses that his original is unaware that Beth lives. In fact, the sheriff confirmed it to his son on the phone last night. So, why now? He wonders if he will ever meet Max, because it is a question to which he would like an answer.

"Do you know where Max is?" Zan asks the sheriff, because he is beginning to realize that it is only a matter of time until he meets his original face to face.

"I’m sure he suspected I was tracing his call," the sheriff replies evenly. "He’s likely gone by now."

"Where was he?"

"Up north," the sheriff tells him. "We’ll start there."

Zan is aware that the sheriff is watching him. He does not look back, but stares at the numbers as they climb steadily. The doors of the elevator open a moment later, and Zan steps out.

The sheriff follows. "Zan."

Zan pauses, grimaces before turning around. "Yeah?"

"I’ve learned my lesson about judging things I don’t understand," the sheriff tells him carefully. "Those kids have, too. If you’re anything like Max Evans, then I know that you’re going to do the right thing."

Zan feels momentarily angry. "You mean give Beth up." He knows that he has no say in the matter, really - that the choice is up to Beth. But it still hurts that they all are so sure about what will happen; who she will end up with. She does not even remember Max Evans!

"That’s not what I mean," the sheriff says patiently. Zan stares at him, surprised. "What’s between you and Liz is your business. I’m talking about something different. I have a feeling that you know how to help us find Max."

Zan looks down, then shrugs. "Maybe."

"If you know anything, you need to help us," the sheriff tells him firmly. "Max is stubborn. He won’t let us find him. We need help."

Zan meets the older man’s piercing blue eyes. "What if Max doesn’t want to be found? He told you that. I feel it."

"What Max wants, and what he needs, are two completely different things," the sheriff replies grimly. "That young man has been through enough pain to last ten lifetimes. I, for one, will not allow it to continue. If he stays alone, it will. I took an oath to protect people. Even if it’s from themselves. Max Evans does not deserve to lose everything. Not forever. Not because of a scumbag like Pierce."

"But isn’t Max right? Won’t Pierce just come after everyone Max cares about?" Won’t he come after everyone I care about? Zan reflects. He is in tune with his original; thinks that, were he in Max’s position, he would do the same thing.

"I’ve had five years to think about how to deal with Pierce," the sheriff tells him. "Don’t you worry about him. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it." He eyes Zan, who does not feel reassured. Because who is the sheriff, really? He has not found Max in five years, and he will not be able to deal with Pierce when the time comes.

If Max Evans has not dealt with Pierce, then how can Sheriff Valenti ever hope to?

Zan wonders, why has Max never escaped before now? He has refined his gifts enough that he shut out Isabel’s dreamwalks, made them all think he was dead. Why has he not taken care of Pierce?

There can only be one answer. Max chose to stay in captivity. And Zan is even beginning to think that he knows why. It has been confirmed from the phone call to the sheriff that Max still thinks Beth is dead. He blames himself because of it. He is punishing himself. He is doing exactly what Zan would do if he were in his position.

Max Evans needs to know that Beth is alive so that he can take care of Pierce once and for all. But Max will never know unless he is found. And, yet, Zan suspects that Max already does know, if only subconsciously. Because why else would he have chosen now to escape?

He is being drawn to Beth like a moth to a flame, even though he doesn’t know it.

"Will you help us?"

Zan looks away, then shrugs again. Because, really, he already knows that the choice has been made. His own conscience has already decided for him.

The connection has already decided for him. His understanding of Max has already decided. His fear for his friends and family, if Pierce is not dealt with, has decided. Max will not take care of Pierce until he knows that Beth is alive. And Max is the only one who can do it.

In that instant, complete understanding floods Zan’s mind. He feels his heart start to thud in his chest.

He and Max are the same. Max is not the only one who can do it.

The sheriff seems satisfied that Zan has not rejected his request outright. He strides away, then knocks on the door of the penthouse suite.

Zan stares after him, frozen. He knows that if he steps through that door, he is crossing the point of no return. When he sets eyes on Beth again, the truth will be irrevocably exposed. He will know, before she even speaks, that she has already chosen Max.

He cannot bear it. And, yet, he cannot stand in the way. He has to find Max, because he cannot allow Beth to be unhappy either. Beth has never really known happiness in the three years they have spent together. Zan knows this. Deep down, he has always known it. He was never quite right for her, although she always tried to hide it.

But Zan also does not know if he can just step gracefully aside when Max returns.

Understanding begins to take root. He must do it now. He must make the break.

He cannot see her again.

Which leaves only one option.

Abruptly, Zan returns to the elevator, punching the button to close the door.

As the elevator starts its descent, he closes his eyes, slumping against the back wall. For one moment he allows himself to feel weak.

He misses her already. Which makes him realize that he has finally understood exactly what is supposed to happen here. Because he can not live like this. He knows that it will not get better. He will not get over her. He will not be able to just let her be with someone else - even if it is another him. And he knows already that she will not choose him.

He finally understands exactly what it is that drew him to her, from the first moment he laid eyes on her. He finally understands exactly why he always felt like he was waiting for her.

It was not about her at all. It was decided long ago, on another planet, before he was even created.

He is the second. He is meant to take the king’s place. Just not with her.

In the end, he was meant to love her, so that he would change. So that he would be ready.

He was meant to love her so that he would want to do exactly what he is doing.

He was meant to love her so that he would not want to live without her.

He is fortune’s fool.

But it is his destiny and he will embrace it. Because, even if he understands that he has been set up, he does not want to live without her.

It is what is.

Zan stares into the mirrored walls of the elevator. He reaches up and runs a hand through his long dark hair. He tilts his head, examines what he has done, wonders if it is right.

It has to be. It is destiny. The wrong hair cannot screw up what is meant to be.

When he steps out of the elevator, Zan’s eyes are drawn to the man sitting in the lobby. He wonders how he did not notice him before. The man is pretending to be reading a newspaper, but Zan knows that he is not.

As Zan walks over to the man, he remembers when Langley first told them about destiny.

"You are the replacements, the duplicates, the back-ups. You have no destiny unless their destiny is compromised. Only then will you take their place."

He meets the man’s eyes, and says firmly, "I’m ready to go back."

[Kath7]

Author's Note: Sorry for the tardiness, folks. I was just waiting for my beta to get back to me. Thanks again, Gioia! Wednesday's part is already written and betaed, though, so I should be back on schedule then.

Just a little update on the literary inspiration quiz - I had ten correct answers in my PM's on Thursday. Since cardinalgal's was the first to arrive, she wins the prize, though. For anyone who hasn't guessed (or doesn't care) I'm going to keep quiet about it for a while longer though. It will all become clear in time.

Part 13

One morning, he wakes up after another dreamless night and knows that this is the day he will escape.

He has sensed for a while that Pierce is tired of him; that he is no longer invested in making Max’s life a living hell. He has been prodded, dissected, tortured for even existing. But he has provided Pierce with no real answers. Which means that, soon, if he stays, Max will be dead.

He is not ready to die. He does not deserve the peace that death will provide. This is his first understanding of why he decides to escape.

But, deep inside, there is also another small part of him. Eventually this small part wins out over the part of him that insists he feel guilty. This part truly wants to live, and it is not all about self-blame over what happened to Liz. It is the small part that knows Liz would be angry if she knew that he is punishing himself. This small part also knows that the dreams that used to come - where Liz haunted him and blamed him for her death - were not really of Liz at all.

Liz loved him. Liz would not want him to suffer. Liz died so that he could be saved.

It is then that he truly understands why he feels so much culpability. He has allowed Pierce to keep him for five years, and he has made no attempt to escape. Liz sacrificed her life to make sure that this would never happen. By allowing Pierce to keep him, he has failed her again. It is because of this sudden epiphany, when he stops feeling sorry for himself, that he decides he must flee. He must get away because it is what Liz would want.

He has always known that he is not meant to die in the White Room. He is meant to suffer here. He is meant to be punished. But, now, he senses that he is meant to live. That his time here is done.

Life out there will not be the life he has always wanted. It will not be the life of dreams and "what-ifs," but it will be a life that honours Liz Parker and exactly how much she gave up to make sure he survived.

He will not go home. Home is not safe. It is not safe for anyone if he returns to Roswell. He has always hoped that his other loved ones are living happy lives; that they have moved on. If he returns to them, if this is true, it will stop being so.

He will escape, he will live. He will not let Pierce kill him, which would make Liz’s ultimate gift meaningless. He will not allow Pierce to win in that way.

He will live. He will live, but he knows that he will not be happy.

He knows it is what Liz would want - for him to feel joy again - but it is the one gift he cannot give her. Because, the irony of the gift she gave him - her life - is that he can never be content without her.

But, he can live.

***

"What do you mean he left?" Beth stares at Kyle’s father in disbelief. "You asked him to help, he agreed, and then he just left?"

She does not understand. It is not like Zan. She has told these people that he will help them. She has trusted him to help them find Max. She knows it is asking too much of him, but she also knows that he will do it. It is not in him to refuse her.

Was he upset that the sheriff asked, and not her? How can he not know that she would have asked him herself, if he had come to see her?

Does he think that she does not want to talk to him? Because it is not true. She loves him still, in spite of everything. She dreads having to tell him that it is not enough - that she has never been able to completely give herself to him because Max already holds the place in her heart that Zan wants - but Zan must know that, at least, she loves him.

She knows that something is wrong. She knows Zan. He would help. He is not selfish. He never has been. He always thinks of his family first, and she is part of his family. He is not cruel. He knows how much they want to find Max, and he knows how much Max must need them. He would not turn his back on any of this, even if he is upset and hurt.

"Just what I said," the sheriff replies, sounding sad. He does not seem angry, like the others do. But the others do not know Zan. The sheriff, though - even from their short interaction - seems more understanding of him. He meets Beth’s eyes, his concern obvious.

"We need to find him," Beth says firmly. "He’s going to do something stupid."

The sheriff closes his eyes briefly, taking a deep breath. "I was afraid you were going to say that."

"Something stupider than pretending he didn’t know who you were? Maybe he’s hiding, so that he can keep up his stellar record of being completely selfish," Isabel snaps. Max’s sister is pacing across the room, obviously upset, her last hope that they will find Max beginning to dwindle again.

"Isabel." Beth says the other woman’s name softly, but in a way that makes Isabel stop in her tracks. "You told me that you and Lonnie are mostly the same. It has even been proven, I think. Why is it so hard for you to accept that Max and Zan might be, too? Would your brother just hide when someone was in trouble?"

Isabel glances at Michael. It is Michael who replies, sounding angry. "You already know the answer to that, Liz. Max exposed himself to save you. And, you’re wrong. We’re nothing like them."

"You are," Beth replies, beginning to get angry, too. She has done her best to understand these people - to understand why they are so resentful of their duplicates - but they have made absolutely no effort to try to do the same. They have made no effort to try to understand that she loves Zan, and Lonnie, and Rath, and Ava for themselves, too. That, in spite of Isabel’s insightful words of the night before - words Beth acknowledges - the past three years have not just been about replacing those she lost.

How can they understand, when you yourself have decided that you must completely reject them to go back to your old life?

Beth feels a flash of guilt, understanding that it will never be that simple. Because, in the end, she does love them all. She loves them differently, but they are all important to her.

And, because of it - because they are all going to be a part of her life - they are just going to have to learn to accept each other.

"You just grew up loved," Beth continues, more gently. "That’s the only difference."

"That is the biggest crock I have ever heard!" Michael exclaims, making Beth jump. "We are not interchangeable! I don’t give a shit what you think, Liz, or Beth, or whoever the hell you are. They will never be like us!"

The room falls silent after this outburst. Beth knows that her eyes are wide, because, for the first time, she understands that the resentment the Roswellians feel toward their duplicates is about more than just her. Because Michael’s intense anger can not just be about her. From the history she was told, they were never that close. They trusted each other, but they were not best friends, by any means.

However, Beth also knows that Michael will never tell her. So, she looks first at Alex, and then Kyle. She even glances at the sheriff, but he seems just as surprised by Michael’s fury as Beth feels. Even Maria looks shocked.

"What is this about?" she finally asks Tess quietly, because Isabel has her arms crossed and her chin is set mutinously. Michael is panting, trying his best to leash his anger, but he is finding it difficult. Finally, he storms across the room, throwing open the door to the balcony, as though fresh air might help.

Tess grimaces, looking reluctant. She glances at Isabel. Max’s sister sighs heavily and collapses into the sofa. She finally opens her mouth and says, "He tried to replace Max."

Beth is confused. "Who did? Zan? I told you! He didn’t know about me and Max."

Isabel rolls her eyes. "While I still don’t completely buy that Zan didn’t suspect, I do believe that he didn’t completely know. I’m not talking about him, though. I’m talking about Langley."

Beth starts. "Langley?" She knows that the Roswellians met the New York aliens’ guardian, of course, but what does he have to do with anything?

"When Langley came to Roswell," Tess explains, "His only goal was to get back home. He didn’t care that Max was gone. He wanted to go anyway, and he wanted us to take Zan with us. He wanted us to just accept Zan, as if there had never been a Max."

"But how is that Zan’s fault?" Beth asks. "You never even met him before yesterday. I mean, obviously he never tried to take Max’s place himself."

"Maybe not on purpose." Tess shrugs. "But, Liz, he did take Max’s place. With you. Which is the one thing we absolutely know would kill Max."

Beth looks at Isabel sharply. "You told me that Max wouldn’t care!"

Isabel is glaring at Tess, who looks like she wants to sink into the floor. "Tess doesn’t know what she’s talking about," Max’s sister reassures her firmly. "She barely knew Max before he was taken."

Tess is upset. "That’s true," she admits quietly. "But I know how much he loved you, Liz. I was the one he rejected for you, after all." She looks at Kyle quickly, but he doesn’t seem perturbed. He obviously knows Tess very well and just smiles reassuringly at her. This seems to give the small blonde strength to continue, because she adds, "And I also know that I didn’t want Zan to replace Max either."

Beth sighs. She understands that no report she receives of Max - and what he might or might not feel - will ever be as accurate as the one that she would be able to provide for herself, if she had her memory. She was the one who knew him best. She hopes that someday it will be true again.

"You never told us any of this," Alex says, breaking into the silence that has fallen. He does not sound angry, or upset, just sad. "Why, Isabel?"

"It was between the three of us," Isabel replies quietly. "We never even talked about it, after we told Langley to go screw himself." Beth’s eyes widen. Isabel’s language is unlike her. It, more than anything, indicates to Beth how much Langley’s attempt to replace Max with Zan affected the Roswellians.

"We didn’t talk about it, because we didn’t want to think about it," Tess adds. "The fact that Max needed to be replaced at all. We failed him. He was dead because we hadn’t been strong enough to save him."

"That wasn’t your fault," the sheriff breaks in, sounding stern. "You were children. Tess, I’ve told you this a thousand times!"

"I know," Tess says quietly. "But we can’t help the way we feel. We were supposed to be a team - a unit. And we failed him when he needed us most."

"No, I did," the sheriff insists. "It was because of me that the FBI knew about Max. If I’d just left him alone, none of this would have happened."

"Dad…" Kyle sounds tired, as though this is an argument they have had many times before. "It wasn’t your fault. You changed your mind. You did your best to protect him."

"None of us blame you, Sheriff," Isabel adds. "Michael told you himself that Max trusted you."

"Well, that didn’t help him much, did it?" the sheriff demands.

"Okay, would you all just stop?" Maria interjects. She has been listening quietly, but now she is crying. "None of you are to blame! There is only one person to blame, and that’s Pierce. Do you think that Max wants you all to sit around feeling guilty?" She looks at Liz. "I’m almost glad you don’t remember, Liz, because you would be the worst of the bunch if you did."

Beth presses her lips together. She does not dare tell Maria that she already feels to blame, even without her memory.

"Max is irreplaceable," Maria continues. "We all know that. But that doesn’t make Zan bad. Langley was a complete bastard. We all know that, too." She looks at Isabel. "He left you guys high and dry. I mean, he took your only way back to your planet."

"We didn’t want to go," Tess reminds her, sounding a little tentative.

"I know that, Tess, but that doesn’t mean he had the right to steal it!" Maria exclaims. "The granolith belonged to you."

"What is the granolith?" Beth asks. Because she knows that Zan, and Lonnie, and Rath have always wanted to know.

"It was a spaceship," Tess replies. "Langley stole it and took off when we told him we wouldn’t just accept Zan and go back with him."

Beth feels disappointed, because she knows that Zan will be when he finds out. She thinks that he and his siblings always envisioned the granolith as being something more than a mere spaceship. They always spoke of it in soft tones, almost reverently. She has never known what they think it is, but she feels that it must be more than a return journey to a place they did not want to go anyway.

Zan has never wanted to go back to Antar. She knows it, and she knows that the others feel the same way. Antar has always represented Langley’s rejection of them. She never knew why their guardian left them, until she knew about Max and the Roswell aliens, but she knows that their guardian’s desertion hurt Zan. It has affected his life far more than he would ever tell even her.

She closes her eyes. It has suddenly occurred to her that this fact must make her rejection of him in favour of Max even more painful. Because it is not the first time it has happened to him.

She cannot ask him to help find Max.

She realizes it suddenly, and with the awareness comes a sense of relief; a sense that she if finally doing the right thing. She cannot be so cruel. Zan has been forced to deal with enough recently. She cannot ask this of him, too. She was selfish to even contemplate it.

It is up to her to find Max. She knows that she can do it. They even know where to start, thanks to the sheriff. Max probably has moved on from where the sheriff traced the call, but he is out there, and because of it, they will find him.

"Liz, what?"

She blinks, focusing on Alex, who seems to be the only one aware of the determined expression she knows has crossed her face.

"We can’t ask Zan for help," Beth replies simply. "We just can’t. We have to do this on our own."

"But, Liz, how?" Isabel demands, sounding a little impatient.

"Exactly how we tried last night," Beth tells her patiently.

"Dreamwalk?" Tess says, sounding a little scornful, although Beth knows she does not mean to - it is just Tess’s way. "Liz, it already didn’t work."

Liz meets the small blonde’s eyes seriously. "I don’t care what happened last night. I think I was distracted then." She looks back at Isabel. "With all that you told me about connections and stuff. It only makes sense that I was a little overwhelmed."

Isabel seems unconvinced. "I don’t know."

"Can it hurt anything?" the sheriff asks. Beth smiles at him gratefully. "We’re heading for Canada tomorrow morning anyway. It’s worth another try, isn’t it?"

Isabel straightens her spine slightly. "I guess so," she replies. "I mean, I don’t want to sit around and wait anyway."

Beth sighs with relief. "Great."

"We’ll eat dinner, and then we’ll give it a try," Isabel suggests. "He’s probably not asleep yet."

As the group begins to separate to prepare for dinner, Maria stays close to Beth. Finally, when everyone is out of ear-shot, she whispers, "Liz, what about Zan? Are you going to try to talk to him tonight?"

Beth looks down, sighing again. "I guess not. I’ll give him the night. If he wanted to talk to me, he would have come in…right?"

Maria frowns. "I guess so. You know him, I don’t."

"I think he just needs some time," Beth tells her. She does not know quite how to describe what she is feeling about Zan at the moment. She feels sad, and guilty, but also a little relieved that he has taken the decision about whether to talk to him tonight out of her hands.

She will call him in the morning, before they leave for Canada. By then, she will have figured out exactly what to say.

Because the last thing she wants is to hurt him anymore than he already has been. If there is anyone on the Earth who does not deserve it, it is Zan.

[Kath7]

Author's Note: Thanks Rosbaby. lol

This part is short and transitional. I think I have about three or four more parts left. We'll see. Thanks, as always, for all the wonderful feedback.

Part 14

After the phone call to the sheriff, he tosses and turns for two consecutive nights. By the dawn of the third day, he knows that he will not rest easy until he goes to the city. But he also knows that he cannot risk it. He is used to sleepless nights, anyway. It was rare that Pierce allowed him to lose himself in the comfort of slumber. And, after the dreams of Liz disappeared, he hardly ever slept at all.

He cannot see his friends, but the torture that they are so close, and, yet, still so far away, eats at him. It is much worse than anything Pierce put him through. Max begins to wish that he did not call the sheriff. If he did not know that they were in New York, so close to where he is holed up on the Canadian border, he would not feel this way.

On the fourth day, he is weak. He wants to go. He almost convinces himself that as long as he doesn’t approach them, as long as he just sees them from a distance, they will be safe. He can go. No one will ever know. He decides that he will set out early the next day. That night he falls asleep easily.

For the first time in three years, Max dreams of Liz, and remembers it when he awakens.

In his dream, everything Pierce said he did to her comes flooding back, haunting Max; suffocating him. He tries to rescue her, but with every step he takes toward where she lies on the gurney, she moves further away. Abruptly, she is lying at his feet, blood coursing from her nose and lips. He falls to his knees beside her small, battered body, and pulls her gently into his arms, something he was never able to do in the real world.

After the bridge, he never saw her again. He only has Pierce’s evil stories - along with his own vivid imagination - about what happened to her. But he has never been certain that any of it is true. That first night back in the White Room, when he regained consciousness, he knew the loss of her. It felt like something had been ripped out of his very soul. He could no longer feel her, could no longer sense the bright presence that was Liz burning in his heart. He was not even aware that she was there, from the day he healed her in the Crashdown, until, after the bridge, when she was gone.

In the dream - even after three years - it is the same. She dies, he loses her all over again, and the grief will not go away. Max stares into her bruised face, and throws his face to the heavens. He is howling his sorrow, when he feels her shift in his arms. He jerks his head down, his heart racing when her eyes open. Her gaze is suddenly piercing his soul.

"You’re alive! Liz, you’re alive." He bends his head to rain kisses over her face, prepares himself to heal her physical wounds. Even in his dream, he is already planning. They will heal the wounds of their soul together. They have each other again. They can live through anything, as long as they have each other.

"I’m dead, Max." She sounds sad, then closes her eyes again.

The scene changes, and Liz is before him, again alive. She is standing on the edge of the bridge where he last saw her, and she is screaming. She is screaming at him, and the words cut into his soul, like Pierce’s scalpel cut into his body.

"You did this to me! I am dead because of you! He killed me to torture you! You saved me, only to bring me to this. During the day you try to forget me, but I will never let you forget. This is your punishment. I’m back and, this time, I am going to haunt you forever. I died because of you!"

He takes a step toward her, his arms outstretched pleadingly. "Liz, please…"

"You did this," she says once more, venomously. She then turns and jumps off the bridge. He grabs for her, but he is too late. He stares over the side and sees the tumultuous river below.

She is gone. Again.

Max jerks awake, drenched in sweat. The Dream Liz’s accusing words ring in his ears.

The nightmare is enough to fight the instinct to go to New York. It is the only way to keep them safe. He will not allow Liz’s fate to befall any of the rest of them.

It is wrong to go. He is certain that Pierce and the Special Unit are searching for him. He needs to stay in hiding. The first thing they will expect is for him to head for his friends. He needs to keep away. He is sure that they are being watched, even now. They will be easy to find. Because of Maria, their whereabouts are presently well-known.

Max now knows that the sheriff understated matters when he said that Maria had "made a nice little career for herself." She is a superstar, her album at the top of the charts. He buys it in the local mall on the fifth day. He thinks that listening to it will reinforce that they are all leading productive, happy lives; that he is right to stay away.

He listens to one song on the C.D. player he borrows from the guy behind the desk in the motel where he is staying. It is entitled "Gone" and before it is even finished he is in the bathroom vomiting. The pain that Liz’s best friend still feels echoes in every word. His guilt eats him up inside. They have lost Liz because of him. And the worst part is, he knows, from Maria’s song, that they do not even blame him for it.

They miss him. Even after all this time, they still want him back.

They are doing well, they are successfully leading their lives, but the sheriff is right. They have not gotten over it. They would be glad to see him.

But he knows that he cannot go. He will not put them in danger.

On the fifth night, he again dreams of Liz. Now that he is doing the right thing, Liz comes to him softly.

She is again standing on the edge of the bridge, but this time she is smiling at him.

"Liz?" He is tentative, uncertain, and, so, he does not make a move toward her. Will she jump again? Can he save her this time?

"I asked you once. I want to ask you again. Do you burn for me, Max?" She sounds pleased to see him, and it makes his heart sing.

"Always," he replies quickly. "Forever."

"You don’t," she says. She doesn’t sound angry, just matter-of-fact. Max frowns. "You don’t, not really. If you did, you’d know."

"Know what?" He wants to grab her, wants to pull her off the ledge. His heart is beating quickly. He will not be able to bear it if she jumps again.

"I can’t find my way back without you," Liz tells him, her mood altering slightly. She is sad again, and she turns, as though she means to go over the side. "To find me, you need them."

"Liz, don’t!" He makes a sudden rush for her, but he is too late. By the time he reaches the edge, she is gone again. He feels the lump that precedes grief enter his throat, but the tears never come. Because this time something is different.

The river is calm.

When he wakes up, he is not upset. Instead, he is pensive. He lies in bed, staring at the white ceiling for a long time.

At nine, he is on a bus to New York.

[Kath7]

Part 15

It begins as it always does.

The windshield explodes behind them. She loses control of the car. They are in the woods and then they are on the bridge. She kisses him and then she jumps.

It is only when she hits the water that she realizes she is alone. He has not come with her. He is still up there and they have captured him again. She did not save him. He is gone, taken, because she was not strong enough.

She closes her eyes and lets the water close over her head.

"Liz. LIZ!" She recognizes the voice, and the urgency of it makes her fight the river. The instant she does, the scene changes and she is back on the bridge.

She realizes that it is Isabel who has pulled her out. "Liz, you need to focus. You’re getting lost."

She stares at Max’s sister, uncertain what she means.

Isabel elaborates. "This isn’t your nightmare, Liz. You were letting it become yours, though. That’s not why we’re here."

Looking around, she understands. They are back on the bridge, but this time they are not alone. Her eyes widen as she takes in the sight of herself standing on the railing across the way.

Max is there. He is gesturing wildly, talking to that other her, obviously trying to convince her to get down off the ledge. Beth cannot hear him, but she can feel his desperation, even from so far away.

This is his nightmare. He has let them in.

Her heart starts to thunder in her chest. "Can I talk to him?" she whispers to Isabel.

Isabel is frowning. She has tears in her dark eyes. "I don’t know," she admits. "We’re here, but I feel like he’s still holding back somehow. He’s opened himself up a bit, but I don’t think we can affect things directly." She wipes her eyes firmly. Beth can see Isabel’s determination. "I guess there’s only one way to find out."

Max’s sister takes a step forward. Another. One more. It is all that Max’s subconscious will allow. The next instant, the scene flickers, and Isabel is back standing beside Beth.

"What good is this?" Beth demands. "If we can’t talk to him, how is he ever going to know I’m alive?"

Isabel has her arms crossed. She is beginning to look angry. "Why is he so stubborn?" she demands. "I am seriously going to kick his ass when I get my hands on him."

Beth blinks at the outburst, recognizes it for the unreasonable flash of sibling rage she has come to expect in some interactions between Zan, and Lonnie, and Rath. It is the kind of anger that comes from love.

"There must be something we can do," Beth tells her, gentling her tone. They can not both be angry, after all. "I mean, he let us in this far."

Isabel is breathing deeply, as though to get control of her temper. The strain of the past couple of days is becoming ever more evident in the tall blonde’s demeanor. "You’re right," she finally says. She appears to be thinking hard. "He’s talking to you over there. Maybe you can influence her, if not him."

"What do you mean?" Beth asks.

"They’re fighting," Isabel says. "Can’t you hear them?"

"No," Beth admits.

Isabel seems perplexed by this. "She’s blaming him for killing her."

Beth starts. "What? It’s not his fault!"

Isabel sighs. "I know that, Liz. This is his dream though. And it’s also typical." She closes her eyes briefly, sadly. "God. This is worse than I imagined. Not only has Pierce had him for five years, he’s been torturing himself, too."

"I don’t understand," Beth says.

"You might not remember this, but one of the things you and Max most had in common was an absolutely ridiculous tendency to feel guilty about things that you had no control over," Isabel tells her. "I should have known this was part of it. He blames himself for your death. That’s why he won’t come home."

"He thinks he doesn’t deserve to come home," Beth whispers, understanding. She shivers. For some reason, this makes her think of Zan. She remembers the hopeless expression on his face when they spoke the morning after they first made love. For the first time she understands that it was not simply hope he was missing that day.

He was resigned, accepting. He was not surprised that she had not opened up to him completely. Because he thought he did not deserve her.

Isabel, and Michael, and Tess are wrong. The originals and the duplicates are so alike, it is frightening to her. A small suspicion begins to worm its way into her thoughts. It is not yet a fully formed fear, nor does she have time for it, but she knows that she will call Zan the instant she is out of this dream.

For now, though, it is Max she needs to help.

"What do I do?" she asks Isabel.

"It’s not exactly you over there," Isabel tells her. "It’s Max’s version of who he thinks you were. Which just goes to show how screwed up he is right now. Because the Max I knew would have known that you never would have blamed him for what happened."

"So I need to make him remember that," Beth guesses.

Isabel shrugs. "It’s worth a try." She takes Beth’s hand. "We’re going to need to work together to fight his will though. It’s not going to be easy."

Beth swallows, suddenly nervous. She squeezes the other woman’s hand. "Okay."

They both close their eyes. Beth almost instantly feels the wall that Max’s mind has built around them. She pours all the love she feels for him against it - the love that she remembers in her heart, if not in her mind - and she can sense Isabel doing the same.

She nearly falls to her knees when the wall crumbles abruptly. This fact, more than anything, reveals to Beth that Max is bending. His iron will is crumbling, too.

He is ready to come back to her.

She can now hear the conversation between him and that other her. It is not nearly as angry as she expected it to be.

"I asked you once," the other Beth - she will call her Liz, because to Max, that is who she is - says, "I want to ask you again. Do you burn for me, Max?"

"Always. Forever," Max replies. Beth feels a lump enter her throat.

"You don’t," Liz says. "You don’t, not really. If you did, you’d know."

Beth feels Isabel’s hand clutch hers more firmly. Max’s sister is trembling, as though she is using much more energy than Beth. It occurs to Beth that it is her presence in the dreamwalk that is making Max let them in, if even this much. If it had been Isabel alone, he never would have relented.

"Know what?" Max asks. He is tense, as though he is about to make a grab for the Liz standing on the railing.

"I can’t find my way back without you," Liz tells him. "To find me, you need them."

Dream Liz is telling him to go home. Again a sign that he is beginning to forgive himself. She briefly wonders at it. For the first time she wonders why he has chosen now to escape from Pierce. What happened to him after five years that finally made him run away from that torturous life?

This is no time to question it though. She allows a small sense of relief. Something has changed here. Is it her presence in the dream? Even if he can’t see her, can he feel her? Does he know that this is what she wants? That she wants him to come back to her?

Beth hears Isabel gasp. She stares as Dream Liz turns suddenly, and jumps off the bridge.

"Liz! Don’t!" Max grabs for her, but he misses. Beth feels his grief crash through her. She cannot allow it. He mustunderstand that this is not his fault.

Instinctively, she lets go of Isabel, closes her eyes, and when she opens them again, she is standing next to Max at the railing. He is leaning over the edge, a horrified expression on his face. Beth can feel him struggling to go after Dream Liz, but his own guilt will not allow it. He is trapped on the bridge as invariably as she is trapped in a world without any memory of this man.

They need each other to escape. They are meant to find each other, and he needs to know it.

Beth places a gentle hand on Max’s shoulder. He turns his head, surprised. His eye widen at the sight of her. He glances over the ledge again, then back at her. "Liz?" he whispers.

"It’s me," she replies simply.

"The river…" he trails off helplessly, obviously not understanding.

"What about it?" Beth asks. "The river doesn’t matter anymore, Max. Come back to me."

"Can I?"

"If you want to, you can. I need you."

She knows it is true, and that he will understand. That he will listen.

He is breathing erratically. He looks down to where their hands are now joined. When he looks up, his gaze burns into her with an intensity that makes her entire body feel like it is about to burst into flames.

"I’m coming."

With that, the dream flickers, and he is gone.

***

After the dreamwalk, Beth knows that she will not sleep again, although the rest of the group finally retires to bed after midnight. The others are relieved that Max is coming, although she can see that Michael does not quite believe it, and Isabel is still uncertain. Beth knows that she is right though. There is no need to go in search of Max. She knows what happened in that dream. He understood that she was real. He is coming. Not only is he coming, but she knows exactly where to go to meet him. Because, of course, he cannot come to the hotel. But she knows where he will be. In fact, she has known for five years.

She sits on the balcony, and waits for the sun to rise. She waits for Max to wake up in Canada and to remember exactly what he must do this day. She knows that he will not arrive until close to evening, and there are things to do before then.

She must find Zan.

Her worry about him has increased over the course of the night. She has known since the sheriff’s arrival that Zan is up to something, but she still has not quite figured out what. After the dreamwalk, and the recognition of how similar Max and Zan really are, and after several hours of turning the possibilities over in her head, she is beginning to suspect that it is far worse than she ever imagined.

Max stayed with the Special Unit to protect his friends, but he also stayed out of a sense of guilt. He felt like he deserved it. Zan possesses that same over-developed sense of responsibility. Zan feels that he should have known who Beth was all along. She knows he does. Zan will want to punish himself for it, just as he has punished himself for Langley’s desertion for all these years.

Zan knows now that the reason that Beth has never fully given herself to him is because of her prior connection to Max. She can piece together the conclusions he has likely reached. Zan was able to heal her without a connection because he used the connection she has to Max. They did not establish an alien bond when they made love, because she is already bonded to Max. She knows how Zan thinks, and she knows that he will have realized all these things, and that he has been deliberately lying to himself for years.

Zan also knows that she will not pick him. He will understand that she wishes that she could, but that she cannot deny what her heart is telling her is meant to be. She and Max belong together. They will heal each other in a way that Zan and Beth have never been able to do.

Finally, Zan knows that the main reason Max is staying away is still the threat that Pierce and the Special Unit represent. Zan wants her to be happy. Zan will want to take away that threat, so that she can be happy.

And, because of all of this, he is going to take Max’s place. Just not with her, because that role is one she has never allowed him, even after three years. Which only makes it easier for him to take the place no one will mind giving him.

She does not understand why it has taken her so long to realize what Zan intends to do. She needs to find him. She needs to stop him. Because she cannot possibly live with the thought that he might endure the same torture that Max has. If he thinks that this is freeing her to be with Max, he is wrong. He must understand that neither she, nor Max, will ever be able to accept this sacrifice. Either the guilt will torture them both, or they will have to save him, and they will all end up in even more trouble.

He is making a mistake.

She cannot wait until morning. She needs to talk to him now.

She calls Lonnie’s cell. Zan’s sister answers quickly. Beth can tell that she has not been asleep. Lonnie senses it too, then. This night is dangerous for the person they both love. He is going to do something stupid, if they cannot figure out a way to stop him.

"Is Zan there?" she asks, without preamble. Because, there is no time for niceties.

Lonnie does not mind. "No," she replies quietly. "I don’t think he’s coming home, Beth."

Beth feels her heart fall. "What? Lonnie…" She can hear Zan’s sister sniffing. She feels her eyes widen. Is Lonnie crying? Her heart starts to thump irregularly. "Tell me," she orders.

"Ava…Ava followed him this morning. She saw him leaving with them, from the hotel. She tried to save him. She mindwarped them, but he made her stop. He told her that he had to go."

"Go where?" Beth demands. She knows, but she wants Lonnie to say it. She wants Lonnie to admit that they are letting him do it. Because, of course they are. In this, the duplicates are different from the originals. They have always known that Zan is their leader, and they have always accepted his decisions. It is what they were raised to do. It was partly why they finally accepted her, even though she knows that they grew to love her, too.

And, so, Lonnie has no shame in admitting what they have let him do. "He gave himself up, Beth. He let those bastards take him."

"Lonnie, I’m coming over there," Beth tells her. "I’m coming over right now."

"No!" Lonnie exclaims. "Beth, you can’t. Don’t you get it? Don’t you get what he’s done? They’ve seen them. If they see us, they’ll understand. They’ll understand that we’re all different, that Max isn’t the only one. You have to stay there. We can’t see you again. We’re leaving town in the morning, at least until they go home."

Beth can hear the vitriol in Lonnie’s voice. She has come to hate the originals. Beth cannot blame her. She cannot blame anyone for anything. But it does not mean that she can just accept this either. She has never allowed Zan to make her decisions, and she is not going to start now.

He is not going to give up his life for her. She will not allow it.

She tries again. "Lonnie…"

But Zan’s sister will have none of it. "Stay there, Beth! Don't make what he's done be for nothing."

Beth frowns. She senses that there is more to any of this than Lonnie is letting her know. Because, in spite of everything, she cannot believe that Lonnie, and Rath, and Ava would just allow Zan to march to his doom. They might accept his decisions, but they still feel. They would have fought him. They love him. There must be more. She must know what Lonnie knows.

"Did you dreamwalk him?" she demands. Because she knows already that Lonnie has. This is not just about what Zan said to Ava. Zan’s sister would never have just accepted Ava’s word on what Zan wanted. Lonnie has spoken to him herself.

The long silence tells Beth what she wants to know. "Lonnie, tell me."

Lonnie sobs. "Beth, I can’t. I promised him. I can’t tell you."

"Lonnie!"

"I’m sorry, Beth. Please. Don’t ask me. You’ll know soon enough anyway."

"Lonnie, please!" Beth says desperately. "We can’t just let this happen!"

"You’ll understand," Lonnie replies. "Beth, trust me, you will. He wants to do it."

"NO!"

"I’ll talk to you soon," Lonnie says, ignoring her protests. "Trust me on this. Once you’re with Max, leave. Go somewhere safe. You need to leave. You have to promise me you will. Once you know, you’ll understand why it’s so important that you do this."

"Lonnie!" Beth almost screams.

But Zan’s sister is totally ignoring her now. Because she knows that Beth will do as she asks. That without all the information, Beth has no choice. She understands that by acting to save Zan without knowing exactly why he is doing what he is doing, she might make things worse.

Zan knows her well. He knew exactly what to make Lonnie tell her so that she would not go after him.

Damn him!

Beth is now sobbing, as she pleads with Zan’s sister to tell her the truth. "Lonnie, please! Please, don’t make me do this!"

Lonnie is a rock though. This is her final gift to her brother, and she will not break. She says gently, "We will find you. We love you, you know. We really do."

"Lonnie, I’m coming over there!"

"We’ll be gone when you do," Lonnie replies. "Don’t. Please, just don’t."

And, with that, Lonnie hangs up.

[Kath7]

Part 16

"It is a far, far better thing that I do, than I have ever done; it is a far, far better rest that I go to than I have ever known."

Charles Dickens - A Tale of Two Cities

***

Zan walks out into the sun, the agent firmly grasping his upper arm. He is shoved into a dark car at the curb. There is another agent behind the wheel, and he peels away without even glancing into the back-seat.

A third agent is seated next to Zan. Zan meets his cold blue eyes. He feels a shiver run down his spine and guesses that this man is the architect of Max’s misery. This is the man who left Beth for dead five years before; the man who considers the most important person in Zan’s life insignificant in the grand scheme of his sick obsession, except as another tool with which to torment his prisoner.

This is Pierce and he is the man Zan will kill today.

But not yet. Because the car stops just as quickly as it started. The agent driving curses.

Pierce leans forward, staring out the front windshield. "What the hell have you done?" he snaps.

"She just came out of nowhere!" the other agent replies, sounding stunned. He is very young, and sounds frightened. Within seconds, both agents in the front seat are out of the car.

Zan frowns. He sees nothing. It does not take him long to understand what has happened, though. He closes his eyes briefly, dropping his head back against the seat.

He does not want to have to explain. Not yet. This would be so much easier if he did not have to explain.

Pierce glares at him before he opens the door to leave the vehicle. "Stay here. If you move so much as a muscle, I will go back there, and I will kill them all. Don’t test me again, Max."

Zan shrugs. "I gave myself up, didn’t I?"

This seems to satisfy Pierce, because he leaves the car. In the next instant, the driver’s door opens again and Ava slides into the seat.

"No worries, Zan. I’m getting you out of here." She has her hand on the gear-shift.

"No," Zan says firmly. "I’m staying. Ava, go home."

She turns her head, glaring at him. "Zan, it’s them! I’m not just letting you go off with them!"

"Ava, go home." He sees tears fill her large blue eyes. He gentles his tone. "Aves, you need to go home."

"Zan, I don’t understand any of this! Why? Why is this happening?"

"Aves, you know why."

"Because of Beth?" she asks, sounding weary.

Zan nods. "It has to be this way, babe. She doesn’t belong with us."

"Zan, I can’t do it. I can’t just let you go," she wails. "Why? Why do you have to love her? Why couldn’t it be me?"

He reaches out and gently turns her chin so that she meets his eyes. "I wish it was."

He realizes that, in a small way, it is true, even though he is mostly saying it to make her feel better. He wishes that things could be different. He wishes that his destiny had not been written years ago on another planet. He wishes that he was the king and that he could have Beth to himself.

He wishes that he loved Ava, and not Beth, and that he did not know that he would do anything to make the one he loves happy.

Because if it was Ava, he could live. But, because it isn’t, this is what has to be.

"Ava, you need to go home. Tell Lonnie to come to me tonight. I need her to help me to make Beth accept this."

Ava presses her lips together, looks away. "Zan, I can’t do it. I can’t leave you here. Langley told us. He told us what they would do to us if they ever found us."

"Ava, you can and you will. You’re strong." Her chin raises mutinously. "Ava, don’t make me have to do it." He knows that if he makes it an absolute order that she do as he asks, she will, but he does not want to play the king card. Not now. Not when they both know he is not really the king.

She swallows. "Zan, why?" she whispers. "This isn’t just about Beth, is it? It’s about him. Max."

Zan decides that if she really needs to know, he will tell her. "You know how you sort of had that connection to Tess, when you met her?" He knows that it is true, because he saw the expression on her face when she met her original.

"Yeah?" Ava acknowledges. Her eyes widen. "Can you feel him?"

"Yeah," Zan replies. "Even more than you can. Because of Beth. He’s suffered enough, Aves. He deserves to have his life back."

"But it’s not fair!" Ava exclaims. "Zan, you deserve a life, too!"

"That’s not what we’re here for, Aves," Zan reminds her. "We’ve always known that our lives don’t belong to us. Not really."

"I know," Ava replies in a small voice.

"Now, be a good girl, and go back to Lonnie. I need to see her."

"Zan, she’s not going to like this. Neither is Rath."

"No, but they’ll get it. Just like you get it, sweet thing." He uses the term of endearment, one he has not called her in a long while. In fact, he realizes, ashamed, that he has not called her by it since Beth came into their lives.

"You’ll come back someday, though, right?" Ava asks desperately. She’s already shifting to leave the car. He has won. Ava’s ingrained programming to do as she is told is conquering her will to save him.

"You know it," Zan replies. He hopes that she will forgive him for lying. Someday he knows she will. Someday, hopefully, she will love someone so much, she will understand why he is doing what he is doing. It is partly the reason for it after all. So they will all be safe and free to live their lives out on this planet. So that at least their lives would finally belong to them. "You know I will."

"Okay." She nods her head. "Okay, Zan. I love you."

"I love you too, Aves. Don’t forget about Lonnie. And don’t drop the warp until you’re well away from here. They can’t see you."

She finally leaves and, several minutes later, Pierce and the other agents return to the car. They are all shaking their heads, as if they have just woken up. Zan hopes that Ava has made it so that they will not remember leaving the car at all. The agent driving pulls out again, and when Pierce speaks, Zan knows that she has.

"I hope you’ve learned your lesson, Max." Zan does not respond, although he feels his blood boil at the sight of the agent’s smug smirk. "I’m glad you came peacefully, before we had to resort to measures that would have proven unpleasant to your friends."

Zan grunts.

Pierce tut tuts, shaking his head. "So sullen. And here I was being nice." He reaches down in front of him, pulling a briefcase onto his lap. Zan tries not to appear curious as he opens it, because he suspects that Pierce expects Max to know what the black briefcase means. Pierce picks up the needle that is revealed, glancing at Zan meaningfully.

Zan frowns, uncertain how to play this. "You don’t need that," he finally says. "I just wanted to make sure they were okay. I won’t leave again."

Pierce stares at him for a long moment, before returning the syringe to the briefcase and shutting it with a snap. "Why did you think I hadn’t? We’ve always been honest with each other, Max. I told you I’d leave them alone, as long as you stayed cooperative. When have I ever betrayed your trust?"

Zan stares at Pierce, his eyes wide. This man is crazy. Pierce seems to understand Zan’s expression because, for the first time, the mask slips and Zan can see anger burning in the agent’s eyes. His hatred is naked, and Zan knows that he is doing the right thing. This man cannot be allowed to live. He will never leave Max Evans alone. Ever.

Because, even to Pierce, what he has done to Max Evans over the past five years, represents how insane he really is. Zan understands that Max and Pierce have played the game that Pierce is only doing his job, but it is about much more than that.

Agent Pierce is the real monster in this car, they both know it, and Zan is making him acknowledge it by staring at him. He drops his eyes quickly.

"Why now, Max? Why did you betray me? After I stopped them from medicating you. Everything I’ve done has been to make you more comfortable. Even though you’ve given me nothing but grief for five years."

Zan shrugs. "I’ll tell you when we get back."

Pierce’s anger is again shielded. Now he seems interested. "Has something happened?"

Zan shrugs again, looks at the two agents in the front, then back at Pierce. The young agent is half-turned, watching him closely. Zan can see the suspicion, but he also recognizes fear in the young agent’s eyes. He’s scared of me, Zan thinks, feeling strange about it. He realizes that, eventually, he will be able to use that.

For the moment, though, he pushes that thought aside. For now, he needs Pierce to trust him. He raises his eyebrows at the evil agent meaningfully.

"So we’re playing that game again, are we?" Pierce asks, beginning to sound amused. "You’ll only tell me?" He shakes his head. "You are a smart one. But the problem is, Max, I don’t think you have anything left to tell me at all. I think you ran because you knew that I was just about through with you."

Zan meets his eyes. "You don’t know where I’ve been while I’ve been gone."

He does not know exactly how long it has been since Max’s escape, but he expects that it dates from around the time Beth’s nightmares returned. He is hoping that Pierce will accept the implication that Max has not spent the last week with his friends - that, rather, they were his last stop after spending time elsewhere. That maybe he has been doing something not quite of this Earth.

"Maybe that’s why I left," he repeats. "To make it worth your while to keep me alive."

Pierce narrows his eyes. "That’s stupid, Max. Why do you want to live? You’ve wanted to die for five years."

This time Zan knows exactly what to say. Because he knows exactly why Max Evans is still alive after all.

"If I wanted to be dead, I’d be dead," he replies shortly.

Max Evans did not want to die. Zan knows this. He knows that Max lived on in order to submerse himself in his guilt. Max did not feel that he deserved the peace that death would bring. Zan knows that this is why Max thinks he lived.

Zan knows differently.

Max lived on because it was the best way to keep his friends safe. By keeping Pierce occupied, focused on him alone, he was saving them.

But now everything has changed. Because, now, Max’s death is what will protect them.

Zan just hopes that Pierce does not suspect that this Max has every intention of taking Pierce with him when he goes.

***

He is in a padded cell with white walls and white ceilings. White, white, white.

He knows that they are still in the city. Pierce plans to keep him here overnight, and then move him somewhere else in the morning. He has overheard the other agents talking. The facility here is too busy, there might be too many questions, and here Pierce does not have the right interrogation "tools."

For some reason, Pierce does not seem to fear him running again. Because, after all, he has given himself up. Or maybe Pierce just senses that something is different this time, that Max is not going anywhere.

While he awaits the final confrontation, Zan has been thinking about the real Max; about why his original has chosen now to escape. He knows that the decision is directly linked to Beth; that somehow Zan’s original now knows that she is alive. Why? How? What has broken through the barrier to Max and Beth’s connection; the barrier that was caused by Beth’s memory loss and her commitment to Zan? What has re-established their bond?

Zan is not a stupid man, in spite of his still limited education, and eventually the truth hits him. He has been reflecting on the many lessons Langley taught about connections - about their strengths and their limitations. He feels the breath leave his body when he remembers one thing that has before now, not crossed his mind as a possibility. He simply can not believe that it has taken him so long to understand. There is only one answer. He absolutely should have known. But because he has never established a connection to Beth himself - because Max was there first - he has had to use his mind to figure it out, rather than his senses to know instantly.

Finally, he understands exactly why he is doing what he is doing - why his instinct to take Max’s place here has been so great. This is about more than just making Beth happy, about more than taking Max’s place in the White Room.

"You are the replacements, the duplicates, the back-ups. You have no destiny unless their destiny is compromised. Only then will you take their place."

Langley’s words come back to him again. He is the back-up. The replacement. Max Evans has been damaged in the White Room and Zan has fulfilled his destiny for him. He has done his duty.

And, now, to safeguard the result, he will die.

He wishes that he could speak to Max, just once, to be sure that what he leaves behind will be accepted by his original. But, finally, he realizes that he does not need to meet Max. Because he knows what he would do, if he were in Max’s situation. He knows what he did do.

He kept Max’s most precious love safe and secure for three years. He knows that Max will do the same for him after he is gone.

The ease with which he falls asleep that night reinforces that he is doing the right thing. He is not scared, nor is he uncertain. This is his destiny, his path, and he is embracing it, just as he knows that Max Evans will embrace his when he meets it.

When Lonnie comes to him later that night, he tells her everything. She weeps, but she promises that she will keep Beth away; that she will allow what is meant to be, to be.

"But, Zan, are you sure?" Lonnie demands, before leaving him. "If he’s damaged…how can he protect them?"

"This will be what heals him, Lon. This is what he needs. He needs a future to shape, so that he can forget the past."

In the dream, Lonnie takes both his hands and meets his eyes. "Zan, you know that if Beth knew, she’d stay with you. She’d never go back to him, if she knew."

Zan sighs. "Maybe I know it, but I don’t want her like that, Lonnie." He looks away from his sister’s penetrating gaze. "Plus, he’s the one she needs. He’s the one who can heal her."

"It’s not fair," Lonnie says quietly.

"But it is what is," Zan replies.

His sister does not say good-bye. He knows that she cannot do it, and he does not ask it of her. He knows that she will be all right. Lonnie is strong. She will do as he asks, because they have always understood each other well, he and his sister. She knows that he will not be able to live without Beth; that he cannot live knowing that she is with another.

In the end, this is not so much about destiny after all. It is about what is. He loves Beth. She does not love him in the same way, and he can accept it, but he cannot live with it. She may have chosen Max over him, but she would feel it forever. The guilt would make her miserable. He does not want that for her. Because he wants his love to actually mean something, he is going to give her the gift she never could have taken for herself.

He is giving her freedom.

He realizes now that, in spite of all reflections to the contrary, he is not being driven to do what he will do. This is entirely his choice. Lonnie grasps this even more quickly than he does, and it is why she accepts his decision. It is also why she will not blame Beth, and it is why Lonnie will be there for his beloved when she needs her.

His family will stay a family, and they will be safe when he is gone.

"Get up, Max."

Zan finds himself waking up on the floor, having been knocked there by Pierce. "Good morning to you too," he mutters after the agent’s retreating form.

Pierce stops in his tracks. Zan grimaces. A mistake? Has Max never challenged his captor? Zan cannot believe it.

But why would Max have challenged the punishment he felt he deserved? Of course, he has not, and Zan has made an error. He is finding it more difficult to impersonate his original than he thought he would.

"My, my. Aren’t we feisty?" Pierce says. He is amused. Zan clenches his jaw. He barely refrains from putting his plan into motion right then.

This man deserves to die.

But not yet. Not here. Not where Pierce might be saved if all does not go smoothly. Zan knows that they will soon be back on the road; that this facility is not their final destination.

As he is pushed into the back of a car, Zan thinks that he cannot afford to play this out much longer though. Pierce is becoming suspicious. He can feel the agent’s eyes on him, curious, assessing. But he wants to be as far from New York as possible before moving ahead. He feels that everyone will be safer that way. He wants the Special Unit away from his family and from the originals, so that it does not cross their mind that they may have played a role in what he intends to do to Pierce.

But that is not the only reason. He is not quite ready to die. Not yet. It is not yet time.

He wants to know that Max has found Beth. He wants to know that it has happened before he dies.

He does not question why he is sure that he will know when they find each other. He does not question anything anymore. There is no longer time to question. He is aware that the rest of his life can be measured in hours. He is not afraid. Not of that, anyway.

His only fear is that they may not find each other. He fears that Beth might be left alone.

It is not a real fear though. He knows what fate intends. It could not be so cruel again. He refuses to believe that what he is doing - what feels so right - could be for nothing.

Hours later, when they are driving through the rolling fields of southern Ohio, a sense of relief and completion washes over him, and he knows that it has happened.

For the first time, he feels a true connection to Beth, as her connection to Max flares back to life. It is through his bond to his original that he, for a moment, understands what he will miss. For a moment he experiences what exists between them. For a moment he mourns what might have been his.

He senses the peace that comes over them both. Max and Beth.

Max and Liz.

Beth has been found. And, for a moment, he knows what it means to be the one who has found her. In that one instant, finally, when she is no longer Beth - when she has again become Max’s Liz - he feels exactly what it is to be the one for whom she burns.

Zan smiles.

"Stop the car." He addresses the driver, who glances in the rear-view mirror, surprised.

Pierce turns his head, eyeing him languidly. Zan barely refrains from doing it right then, but he does not want the other agents involved - at least not yet. They do have a role to play. Pierce’s relaxed attitude more than demonstrates how little he understands what he will soon be dealing with, but Zan senses that the other agents might. They fear him. He can feel it. They’ll play their part well.

"You’re not giving the orders here, Max," Pierce tells him, unconcerned. It is good that he is so confident, but it angers Zan anyway. For a moment, he wishes he really was Max, and not just because of Beth. For his original’s sake he wishes that Max had the chance to do what has to be done. Because, now that Max knows that Beth is alive - now that, in his own mind, he no longer has to be punished - this privilege should be his.

"I have to go to the bathroom," Zan replies sullenly.

Pierce rolls his eyes. "Fine. Stop the car."

Zan leaves the car, then simply stands on the side of the deserted highway - they have been taking back roads - staring off over the corn fields. It is late spring. The corn is not yet high. He reflects briefly on how different this world will be for all the people he loves when this field is harvested.

It does not pain him that he will not see it. This is his path and he is unafraid. He can no longer regret. This coming act has given him the one thing he has always wanted. He has achieved one moment of perfect union with the person he most loves. He cannot live on in a world where it will never happen again.

"Get back here, Max."

"I need to talk to you," Zan says. He does not look back.

"Now is not the time. Get back in the car or I’ll make you regret it."

Zan glances over his shoulder. "You won’t do anything to me until I tell you where I’ve been for the last week. I want to tell you now, and then you can just end this once and for all. We both know I’m not going to live anyway."

Pierce comes. Zan is not surprised that the agent is so careless. Even after Max’s escape, Pierce still feels in complete control of this situation. Zan has seen it in his eyes, and now he sees it in the tolerant expression as Pierce joins him.

"What is it?" Pierce demands, a little impatient.

"I found out who I am. You’ve been wrong about me," Zan replies quietly.

"Tell me," Pierce insists, almost panting with anticipation.

Zan takes a step closer to the monster, leans forward, places his hands on Pierce’s shoulders and whispers into his ear. "I don’t heal, you sick bastard."

Before any reply can be formulated, Zan pulls back and stares into the monster’s eyes. He wants to see the instant of awareness, the moment when Pierce realizes that his life is over. He wants the fear that he knows Max has lived with for five years. He wants to see the light flicker out of Pierce’s gaze, so that he will know that the flame that burns between Max and Liz is safe.

For it is their flame which will warm and nurture his child when he is gone.

He places his hand on the agent’s chest. He burns a hole right through the place where Pierce’s heart should have been.

But, first, he sees the fear.

Before Pierce even hits the ground, Zan feels the first bullet enter his body. It hurts more than he imagined it would, but he knows that they will not stop at one. It will soon be over. He hears the shouts, knows that they are terrified. It is what he has counted on.

There will be no doubt that the alien is dead when it is over.

Finally, he is aware of the younger of the two staring down at him as he closes his eyes.

"I bleed," he murmurs in acknowledgment. He wants this young agent to know, at the last, that he was more human than anything.

The connection is strong now. In the moment before death, as he feels the connection to Max start to fray, he has one last flash of awareness.

Max knows. He knows everything.

And, as his original becomes aware of the gift that has been left behind, Zan feels his child for the first and last time, and he knows that he does not bleed in vain.

[Kath7]

Author's Note: Hi all! I was trying to respond to all your wonderful feedback earlier, but the post got all screwed up, and then disappeared completely. I am extremely annoyed. I will try to redo it later this weekend, but I probably won't have time. I do want to just generally thank you for everything you have said. A lot of it has made me think, and I appreciate you all being so invested in this story.

I know that the last part was difficult. I really considered not showing Zan's death at all, but I thought it would be a betrayal of the story in some ways, because Zan has basically taken over this fic. I never intended it to happen, which is maybe why I, perhaps misleadingly for some, labelled it as a dreamer fic at first (although, because Max and Liz's connection plays such a large part in it, I still do consider it a dreamer fic, even if they are separated for much of it - they are always connected in spirit). Seriously, though, about Zan...I never even intended to have his viewpoint at all, which is why his first POV comes so far into it (I think it was Part 6). But he just took on a life of his own, as his destiny became clear to me. I am pleased that he took on the same life for you all, and that you have truly mourned his death. I swear I have no idea where the angst comes from! I'm a happy person - really! lol If you must, blame Charles Dickens. He was the one who wrote the angsty denoument upon which this fic is based.

A couple of you asked if you would be shown Max and Liz's reunion. Of course! Just not quite yet. You know it's going to happen though, because Zan has already lived it. As for Liz's pregnancy...well, you'll just have to wait for that answer.

Anyway, without further ado, part 17.

Part 17

Beth does not know what to do after Lonnie hangs up. She paces the suite’s living room area, feeling like a caged animal. How can Zan do this? How can he love her this much? She does not deserve it, and it angers her even more because of it.

How will she live with the guilt of this? How will Max? Because she knows that he will feel just as responsible as she does.

How can Zan do this and not even leave her the option of trying to fix it?

She knows that anger is the wrong response. Guilt is too. He would not want that. It goes against everything he is trying to do for her…and for Max. But how can he expect anything less? Does he not know her at all?

Lonnie says that it will all make sense in time. But Beth wants it to make sense now. She has lived the last five years in a world of secrets, in a world where she never quite understood anything. And, now, just when it is all starting to come back to her, the rug has been pulled out from under her again.

She cannot live with this. It is just impossible. He clearly never knew her at all, if he thinks she can, no matter what she learns in time.

He never knew you because you never let him.

She raises her hands, pressing them against her temples to shut out the voice of her own conscience. Tears stream from her clenched eyes, as she struggles not to scream her frustration. The last thing she wants is to awaken the others. Because if she does not understand Zan’s sacrifice, she feels that none of them will understand why she is upset. They will accept what he has done. It will make them happy, because Max will be safe. She cannot bear the sight of them trying to hide their joy, because they will recognize it as inappropriate.

They will hail Zan as a hero. She cannot, because her fear for him is practically strangling her. She does not care that Lonnie says she will understand. She will never understand. She cannot accept that he is sacrificing himself like this. There has to be another way!

She needs air. Is it too early to go out? Glancing out the window, she sees that the first grey shades of dawn are beginning to gather.

Beth pauses in her pacing. Somewhere, miles away, Max will soon wake up. He will know that she lives - and he will come for her.

He will be able to come because of the sacrifice Zan has made. Zan has given her this gift, and she does not know how she can bear it. But she does know that she owes it to him to accept it. At least for now.

Max will help her. Max will help her to figure out a way to save Zan. Because he will not be able to bear it either. Especially because he, more than anyone, will know exactly what Zan has done to himself. Max has lived it for five years.

Max will help her. But first she must see him. And she will not see him here. Since she cannot face the others right now, and since she cannot go to Lonnie, Rath, or Ava, she will go and wait for Max where she knows he will find her.

"Liz, where are you going?"

Her hand is already on the doorknob, but the soft voice behind her makes her jump and whirl.

It is Kyle’s father. He comes out of the bedroom closest to the outer door of the suite. She can tell that he has heard her because he has not been sleeping either.

"I need some air," she replies, turning again.

"Liz, what’s wrong?"

She closes her eyes. "Nothing," she insists. She cannot talk about it. Not now.

He does not believe her though, because he emerges fully from the bedroom, shutting the door quietly behind him. Beth remembers inanely that Tess and Kyle are sleeping there as well.

"Let’s go talk," the sheriff says, gesturing towards the balcony.

"I can’t," Beth insists. "I need to go."

"Are you going back to them?" Valenti asks gently.

"No," Beth replies, sounding more bitter than she means to. "I can’t do that either." She pauses, eyeing the sheriff for a moment. His sad eyes pierce her with their empathy, and she sighs. She remembers how this man has spent the last five years of his life blaming himself for her death. She can see now that all he wants to do is to help her. And, so, she tells him, "I’m going to wait for Max."

"You don’t seem very happy about it," the sheriff tells her. "And can’t the others come with you?"

Beth glances at the closed door leading to the room in which Kyle and Tess sleep. "Can we go somewhere?" she finally asks. "I mean, I’m just not ready to tell them what’s going on."

"Don’t you trust them?" Valenti asks, not sounding angry, only concerned.

"I do," Beth replies firmly. "It’s just that it’s complicated. They’re not exactly very understanding of Zan. I can’t blame them, but I also can’t deal with it right now."

"Okay," Valenti agrees. "Just give me few minutes to get dressed. I’ll meet you down in the lobby. We’ll eat breakfast, because I don’t think I’ve seen you eat anything since I’ve been here." He adds the last sternly, and it makes her smile slightly, in spite of herself. She does not really remember her father, nor any father, but she assumes that this sense of tolerant amusement at his protectiveness might be close to what it feels like.

She broods as she descends in the elevator. She remembers that Zan never had a father. That his father-figure compared him to someone else for his entire life. She wonders how much of Zan’s sacrifice is wrapped up in Langley’s warped interpretation of what Zan’s existence meant - that he was only ever intended to be a second for Max. She does not know what to think about it. She does not want to think about it.

She is in the lobby, still thinking about it - because wanting and doing are two different things entirely - when the elevator doors open again and Sheriff Valenti joins her. He motions towards the hotel’s restaurant, which is just opening for breakfast.

"I’m not hungry," Beth admits several minutes later, when they are seated. She looks at the waitress. "I’ll just have coffee."

"Me, neither," the sheriff tells her. "But we should eat anyway."

Beth shrugs. "I guess I’ll have some toast then."

The waitress leaves and Beth begins to play with her silverware. Up in the room it had felt like a good idea to share some of this burden, but now, with the sheriff’s knowing blue eyes on her, she feels uncomfortable again. Her thoughts are in turmoil. How can she even begin to formulate any sort of explanation that will make sense, when she does not understand anything that is happening herself?

The sheriff seems aware of her hesitation, because he opens the door for her. "You said last night, when I first told you that Zan had taken off, that you thought he might be about to do something stupid." When Beth looks at him in surprise, he raises an eyebrow. "This is about him, isn’t it?"

Beth looks down. "Zan has given himself up to the FBI." She feels her throat tighten, clears it so that she can finish. "He’s taking Max’s place."

She looks up at the sheriff. He has closed his eyes, and has fallen back against his chair, obviously upset. "How do you know this?"

"I talked to Lonnie." Beth places her elbows on the table, dropping her face into her hands. She fills him in quickly on everything Zan’s sister told her. Then she says, "I am so angry at him, Sheriff. I know it’s wrong - that he’s doing this for me, so I can be with Max - but I can’t even deal with it. It’s just too much. How can he do this? How can I possibly live with this?"

There is a long pause. She looks up at the sheriff. He is watching her pensively. Finally he says, "Maybe it’s not about you at all, Liz."

"But he’s doing it so Max will be safe," Beth argues. "So that Max and I can be together.
I know it’s not possible to love two people at the same time. I know what I feel for Max. I don’t even remember him and I know . And it’s not what I feel for Zan. I don’t love him that way, Sheriff, but I do love him. I’ve been with him for three years. How can I know that it’s Max that I’m supposed to be with, and, yet, I ended up with Zan and never even remembered Max at all. I still don’t remember him! How did this happen? And how can this not be about me? Zan is doing this so I don’t have to feel guilty for being with Max. And I just cannot live with it!"

"Are you sure that’s why he’s doing it?" the sheriff asks gently.

"What other reason could there be?" Beth demands.

She is angry again. She clutches the cloth napkin on the table, trying not to lose control of herself.

Why could he not have come to her? How can he not know that he is torturing her by running away like this? How cold does he think she is, that he thinks she can live with this?

He does not think you are cold. He knows that you would have been torn; that you could not have handled breaking his heart; that it would have stood between you and Max. And so he is taking the choice away from you, so that you never had to make it. And, maybe, just maybe this whole thing is not all about you, like the sheriff says. Maybe, just maybe, it is also about Zan and what he needed to do.

The small voice is back. Strangely, it is not really speaking in words, but she interprets its meaning as such. She frowns. She wonders at it. It does not feel like her conscience at all, this understanding, as it comes to her. Because her conscience is presently tortured with guilt. It does not have the capacity for reason at the moment. But if it is not her, then what is it?

Who is it? Is it Zan? Is he trying to make her accept this? Has he somehow managed a connection to her now, at the end?

The irony of it brings tears to her eyes.

The sheriff is watching her. She knows that she is about to start crying, but he does not seem to mind. Finally he says, "Who was Zan, Liz? Tell me about him."

Beth stares at him. "You want me to tell you about Zan? Why?"

"Because I think you need to talk about him and I think that you’re right that the others aren’t quite ready to hear you do that." He sighs. "They’re good people, Liz, which I think you know, but you don’t know how much they’ve missed both of you. It’s going to take them a while to accept how much time they’ve lost with both of you. Zan and the other duplicates are easy to blame for it, even though I’m sure they really do get that it wasn’t any of their fault."

"I don’t think Zan would agree with you," Beth tells him. "I’m pretty sure he’s spent the last forty-eight hours beating himself up over the fact that he didn’t realize who I was. I think he just tried not to understand, though. He is the kindest person I have ever known. He would never have lied to me, if he had figured it out."

"I’m sure he wouldn’t have," the sheriff agrees. "I only met him for a few minutes, but he seemed like a very responsible young man."

"He was," Beth says. She then proceeds to tell the sheriff all about Zan - about how they met, about how he had changed for her, about who he was. She finishes by saying, "He looked after me. He was so good to me, Sheriff. Which is maybe why I can’t accept him doing this. He deserves to find happiness. He deserves to find someone who will love him back the way I never could."

"We can’t make ourselves love someone, Liz," the sheriff says. "You can’t beat yourself up over this. You didn’t make him do this. You need to accept it, or what he’s done will have been for nothing. You need to respect the love he had for you, by accepting it."

"I wish it was that simple," Beth says. "There’s got to be something we can do!"

"There might be," the sheriff agrees. "But you need to think about it, really hard. If you do try and save him, you are going directly against what he wants."

Beth narrows her eyes. "You’re one to talk!" she exclaims. "You were going to try and find Max, even though he asked you not to!"

The sheriff nods. "That’s true, I was. But Max was not thinking rationally. He did not have all the facts. And I could tell from our conversation that he was not doing what he really wanted to do."

"Are you saying you think that Zan really wants to die?" Beth demands, horrified. Because this is even worse! How can she ever accept that love for her drove him to suicide? What if the sheriff is right, and this is not about sacrificing himself so that she can be with Max, but rather is about the fact that he just cannot live with the idea?

"That’s not what I’m saying at all," the sheriff says, beginning to sound exasperated. "Lonnie told you that Zan said you’d understand why he’s done what he’s done eventually. Do you think you ever would have understood if he had killed himself?"

"Well, no," Beth admits.

"Do you trust Zan?"

"Yes," Beth replies. "I trust him."

"Then I think you owe it to him to believe that he knows what he’s doing and that it will all make sense in the end. You owe it to yourself to finish what you’ve started, which finding Max. It’s what Zan wants and it’s what you want. Can you do that, Liz? Can you stop worrying about your own guilt for even one day, so that what he’s done won’t be for nothing? Hasn’t there been enough guilt?"

"I don’t know," she whispers. She meets his eyes. "You still feel guilty about what happened to me and Max."

"I do," the sheriff acknowledges. "But that’s different, Liz. That’s my guilt. You don’t have to feel guilty about something that you didn’t make happen. You didn’t tell Zan to give himself up. You also didn’t make him love you. And, even if you did, I don’t think what’s happened here has anything to do with any of that. So any guilt on your side is just self-indulgent."

Beth blinks at the harshness of his words, but then reflects on what the sheriff has said. "Isabel told me that Max and I were both like that, before," Beth finally says. "She said that we always blamed ourselves for things we couldn’t control. Like I know that one of the reasons that Max never escaped before now was because he blamed himself for my death and he thought he deserved to be punished."

"I believe that could be true," the sheriff tells her. "And it’s something that both you and Max are going to have to get over."

"I don’t know if I can," Beth whispers. "I mean, how can you change who you are inside?"

"You told me Zan changed."

"Well, on the outside, yes," Beth says. "But he was always kind inside, from the first moment I met him."

"Maybe he was," the sheriff says, "But he changed who he was for you. Don’t you think that you can try and do the same for him? Because you already know he hasn’t done this to make you miserable. He’s done it because he wants you to be happy."

Beth stares at him, uncertain what to say. Because what he has said has hit home and, yet, she feels guilty even thinking about not feeling guilty. It is a never-ending circle and she fears that she is not strong enough to escape it.

She believes the sheriff. That Zan would not want her to be unhappy. She knows this, of course. And, yet, she cannot control how she feels.

She remembers what Lonnie said - that soon she would understand.

She wishes that soon was now. Because, until she understands, she will continue to try and guess. And until she can stop that, the guilt will not go away.

[Kath7]

Author's Note: Okay, this part is fairly short, but it really was the only place I could stop it organically (plus Gioia agrees it's okay, so blame her. ) It's evil, but it must be. Thanks for your patience everyone!

Just a little update about my life at the moment, as well. Part 19 won't be up until Thursday night, because I'll be away most of this week in the evenings. Then, after that, there won't be any updates for just over a week, because I'm going away for Spring Break. I meant to have this finished before I left, but it has been slower going than I imagined. I wanted it just right, plus I have been busier in RL than I imagined I would be.

I think Part 19 will tide you all over though. I hope. Part 18...well, I freely admit I'm stopping in an evil place. But, all in all, this has been a fairly "evil" fic. The muse is controlling me now. I'm just letting her run rough-shod. lol (By the way, I'm changing the summary at the beginning to make it a little more clear that this fic isn't as "dreamercentric" as I originally intended. I still think it's a dreamer fic, that it doesn't belong on the UC board, but I understand some of the voiced concerns. The mods are presently reflecting on ways some of these concerns might be addressed, and we will be putting up a discussion topic on it on the dicussion board very soon.)

And, now that I've blathered long enough...

Part 18

It takes too many hours to get to New York. He endures it. What are a few hours when compared to the years he has spent thinking she is dead? What are a few hours when compared to the years he will no longer spend alone?

He is not nervous, nor is he afraid that he has misunderstood what he knew when he woke up this morning. He sits quietly on the bus, staring straight ahead for most of the trip. He does not look out the window, because his entire focus is on what lies before him.

He will be in the city by late afternoon. And, there, the real reason he has survived all these years will be waiting for him.

He has been wrong all this time. He did not live to be punished. He lived for this day.

She asked him to burn for her, and he has done so for five years, not knowing what it even meant. Now he does. She wanted him to hold onto a small candle of hope, in his heart, that they would see each other again. He was not even aware, until his dream last night, that he knew what hope even felt like anymore.

Now he does. The flame never did quite die, after all.

Liz is alive.

She is alive, she needs him, and he will not let anything stand in the way. Not the Special Unit, which he thinks will be waiting for him too. Not the years they have been separated. Not the fact that for some reason he still does not understand, their connection is not what it once was.

He is not worried. It will all work out. It has to work out. Fate has brought her back to him, first in a dream, soon in reality, and he will not let anything stand in the way. Not guilt, not fear, not doubt. None of it matters. All he cares about is Liz. He knows she is waiting for him and he will not fail her again.

She is alive and it is all his mind can wrap itself around at the moment. Why, how, all of it will be answered eventually.

It is only when the bus is on the outskirts of the city that he frowns slightly. He remembers why he had stayed away until now, but it is only in this moment that he wonders what has changed. It is still not safe for anyone that he come out into the open. And, yet, now, he does not care. Should he not care more, now that he knows that even Liz will be affected by his return? That she will be in danger because of him?

But he somehow knows that she will not be. Something has changed in the world today. He feels free, and he realizes that it is not just about Liz. He does not know what it is, but he knows that everything is going to be all right. His heart feels lighter than it has in years - since before he ever knew that something called the Special Unit existed.

The Special Unit will not be waiting for him. He does not understand why, but he knows that it is true.

The only explanation is that Pierce is dead, or soon will be. Because as long as Max’s nemesis lives, he will not rest until he lays his hands on Max again.

Max does not attempt to find an answer for why this must be so, nor how it came about. The answers will come. He has no more time for thought anyway. The bus is pulling into the station, and he feels his heart start to pound fervently.

He cannot yet feel her, but he is sure she is near. She is waiting for him, and at last, at last, they will be together.

There is no more need for thought. It will all be explained when he comes face to face with Liz. Today will be a day of answers. It will be a day of resolutions.

It will be a day to move on from the past, into a glorious future with the woman he has always loved; the woman he has mourned for five years; the woman he has survived to see again.

He leaves the bus, enters the station, and looks around. It is close to the dinner hour, the time when commuters return to their homes, so the station is busy, but he is not afraid that he will miss her. He is no longer the one who burns. She is the flame and he is drawn to her as a moth is to the real thing. He finds her easily.

She is seated on a bench in a quiet area of the station, her back straight, her hands clenched tightly in her lap. She is not staring into the crowd, searching, as one might expect. In fact, she has her eyes closed.

Because, after all, she does not need to see what she knows with her heart. She knows he is coming. He is meant to find her here. Fate has led them to this moment.

This does not mean that he does not allow himself to feel relief at the sight of her. He realizes that, in spite of his newly returned faith, he was preparing himself for disappointment. He was preparing himself that perhaps this was all a trick of his mind - that his damaged psyche had finally been driven stark, raving mad.

He allows himself a moment to drink in the vision that is Liz. Alive. Liz, alive. He feels his fingers start to tingle at the thought of touching her. Alive. Warm. Breathing.

Liz, alive.

After acknowledging that this young woman is indeed Liz - older, but still Liz - he takes in the changes. Her hair is very long. It flows over her shoulders, almost to her waist. It is the most obvious physical change. He notes something in her face too. A wariness is there, even though her expression is presently in repose.

He aches to see her eyes. They are still closed, although he can tell she is not asleep. She is simply waiting, but he is briefly shy. For the first time he wonders where she has been, what she has been doing.

It has been five years. What has she lived for these five years? He remembers his game of "what-if."

"What-if" she is out there, alive, and not alone?

His eyes darts quickly to her hands. They are still clasped, so he cannot see her fingers, to check for a ring. A ring, of course, might not be there anyway. No ring would not mean that she has necessarily been alone. She is only twenty-one. Too young for marriage, most would think.

He fully intends to put a ring on her finger as soon as possible, if that is what she wants. He does not care about their supposed youth. He feels like he has lived two million lifetimes without her in the past five years. He will live as few days without her permanently bound to him as possible.

If it is what she wants. If she is alone.

She must be alone. Because, if she is not, why now? Why has she called him to her now? He has understood that he escaped because he somehow knew that he was finally meant to find her alive, but why now?

There is only one way to find out.

Max moves forward. He wants to sit next to her, but he does not. He will not touch her until he is sure. He will not touch her until he is certain that it is what she wants.

He lowers himself carefully onto the bench across from her. He watches her tense. Her eyes are still closed, but he knows that she is aware of him.

What is she thinking in that instant, before she opens her eyes? He desperately wants to know, and he senses that he will, as soon as their gazes meet.

Before, with the connection, he suspects he would have. But the connection is muted, not what it was. He can feel her now, being so close to her, but the flame in his heart that is Liz is banked.

What has happened to her?

He is not afraid to find out, nor is he nervous. They were meant to find each other. It cannot be bad.

He is on fire with anticipation for her to see him.

When her beloved dark eyes finally open, he is not disappointed.

In that split second, he knows what he has always known anyway.

She has burned for him too.

[Kath7]

Author's Note: Hey guys! Well, the muse is being uncooperative. This part didn't quite go where I expected it to, but it actually works better this way, because I really want to be in Max's POV for the actual reunion. So, in the meantime, we're taking a step back.

Just a reminder...I will be gone for a couple of weeks, starting tomorrow, so expect the next new part on April 7th, if all goes according to plan.

Thanks, as always, for your wonderful feedback. Welcome to the new readers. Thanks for checking this out. Oh, and Karen, I don't USUALLY stick to a schedule (as the readers of my other shamefully neglected fics can attest to ). I just decided to try it with this one. It's actually workng quite well for me, but mostly because the parts are relatively short, and this story is a lot less complicated than the others I have written (not emotionally, but plot-wise ). Anyway, it's been an interesting experiment. lol

Part 19

After her breakfast with the sheriff, Beth does not want to return to the suite. She is still not ready for the questions that will come, nor the silences that will follow. Kyle’s father insists that she cannot go to meet Max alone, and Beth knows that he will not be swayed, so she agrees to wait for him. After all, someone has to go back up to the room to explain. She cannot just disappear on them again. It would be too cruel, even though she knows she will see them later. Hopefully, with Max.

No, not hopefully. Certainly. She knows he is coming. She can almost feel her heart lightening as the hours pass. She can feel the miles disappearing between them, and she knows that soon she will finally understand what it is between her and the mysterious man who haunts her dreams.

Because he is a man now. He was a boy when she knew him, but now he is not. And she is aware that even if she still had her memory, she would not really know him at all anymore. He has been through hell in the past five years, and even if she remembered him from anything other than her dreams, he will be different.

He will be different, but he will be Max. She does not remember what that means, but she knows that it means everything.

She also knows that he will understand her need to save Zan in a way that no one up in that suite ever can. She knows this, and she is counting on it.

He will help her. And, once Zan is safe, they can figure out exactly where that leaves all of them. Because, while she intellectually understands the sheriff’s argument that giving himself up was Zan’s decision to make, she still cannot accept it, and she needs one last chance to try and change his mind.

What this means for her and Max, she does not know. She still does not know how Max will deal with the fact that, while he was being tortured by a madman for five years, she was sure that she loved his double for three of them. And, yet, still she knows that he will help her.

She remembers what Isabel said the night before.

"Liz, if he’s alive, trust me. He will not care. He loves you."

He will care. She knows he will. Isabel is right in a way though. She just left out the most important part. The dream she visited last night reinforced everything she somehow already knew. Something she has always known.

He will care, but he will love her anyway.

Because she senses that this is what their relationship was always about. It is what their relationship will be about. Anyway.

She found out he was an alien. She loved him anyway.

She cannot even remember him, and she loves him anyway.

She has been with another man. She somehow knows that he will still love her anyway.

Zan has given himself up to the FBI to save her from having to choose between him and Max. He has tried to make the decision for her, so that she will not have to live with the guilt of it. But he can not take her guilt away. He has simply replaced it with another kind - a more terrible kind.

The first kind she could have endured, because she knows that there was never any choice to make anyway. It has always been Max. In her dreams, in her life, even with Zan.

Zan cannot take the choice from her, nor the guilt of it. She will not allow it.

She will not allow him to die for her. She crosses her arms mutinously, and starts to tap her foot impatiently. She and Max will save him because Zan is not allowed to make this decision. He is not allowed to die for her. Not that too. Not after all that he’s already done for her.

The sheriff’s earlier words come drifting through her mind, like a reprimand. Maybe it’s not about you at all, Liz.

But he cannot be right. Who else could it possibly be about? Because the sheriff was right about his dissection of Lonnie’s cryptic warning - about how she would soon understand why Zan is doing what he is doing. Since she would never understand Zan deliberately killing himself because he can not be with her, it cannot be the reason he is doing this. It is just not his style either. She knows that he is hurt and in pain, but he is not a coward. He is a survivor, and always has been.

This is not about the fact that he knows she will pick Max. She knows that he even understands it. He has more than proven over the past two days that he has always suspected that, just as he had always been waiting for her, she has spent the last three years with him waiting for someone else. He was willing to take what she offered, and she now understands that he was always ready to have to give her up. Why else would he have taken her to Maria’s concert, if he was not? He knew, somewhere inside, what he was doing when he took her there. He was giving her back her life, even if he never fully recognized it himself until after it was done.

No, this is not about Zan’s pain. And so it has to be about hers - the guilt he thinks she will feel over deserting him for Max. It has to be. There is no other explanation. And it is why she must stop him.

He has no right to take away her guilt.

She and Max are meant for each other. The guilt of not fighting it, even when it hurts others, is a part of the price they pay for knowing it. They have both already given their lives for each other once, leaving their friends and family in pain for five years. The guilt of loving each other more than anything or anyone else is their cross to bear. Because joy and completion of the magnitude she senses they brought - and will bring - to each other must be balanced. Because no love, no matter how perfect and meant to be, can survive untested. It is coming through the fire to the other side that truly defines "connection."

They are guilty and they love each other anyway.

Beth jumps to her feet when the sheriff finally rejoins her. She is impatient, although she knows that it is likely still many hours until Max arrives. She does not care. She wants to go to the meeting place now, so that she does not miss him. She cannot risk missing him.

She cannot risk missing this chance to reclaim control of her life. Because she knows that until she is reunited with Max - until the past is healed - there will be no moving forward. There will be no moving forward for any of them. Especially Zan.

She sighs slightly in affectionate exasperation when she sees that Kyle’s father is followed closely by Maria. There is a flash of recognition at the feeling. She deduces that this is not the first time that Maria has confronted her in spite of entreaties to the contrary.

Maria holds her hands up defensively. "Don’t say it! I just came down to tell you that we understand. It makes sense that you go do this on your own."

Beth blinks. "How did you know I was going to say anything?"

"Lizzie, c’mon! It’s me," Maria grins, but Beth glimpses tears in her blue eyes before her oldest friend reaches out and pulls her into a hug. "Even Isabel gets it. She’s not happy about it, but she gets it. It’s not safe for any of us to go traipsing around the city until we know for sure that the dupes are gone, and that the Special Unit has skipped town." She pulls back. "Are you okay?"

"No," Beth replies honestly.

"Zan’s going to be fine," Maria insists. "I mean, you’re right. The only person who can possibly save him from his own stupidity is Max. He’s the only one who might potentially know where he’s been taken. It’s going to work out, Liz. It just has to." She stares at Beth intently. "But, Liz, you guys can’t do this on your own. You need to meet Max, and then we’re going to meet up with you both to fix this."

"Maria…"

Her friend interrupts. "No ifs, ands or buts about it," she says firmly. She leans forward, and continues softly into Beth’s ear. "The tour is headed to Boston. I have to go with it, first because of my contract, but second because we need to throw those bastards off our trail. We need to act normal. Tess, Kyle, Alex and Isabel are staying here. Michael will come with me, but Isabel will call once the plan is set, and we’ll meet you wherever."

Beth shakes her head slightly. "Maria…"

"Liz, we’ve done this before," Maria reminds her. "We’re a team. All of us. We’re going to help."

She sighs, smiling slightly. The warm glow of affection this woman has engendered since the moment they met again washes over Beth. "Okay. We’ll call."

When she and the sheriff leave the hotel moments later, her intention is still firm that she will do so. She will call. These people want to help her. They are not judgmental of Zan after all, nor do they want him dead to protect Max. They want to help. And, because she knows what it feels like to be helpless, she will let them.

She is no longer alone. It feels good.

An hour later, she knows that she will not call. Because an hour later, Lonnie’s hinted understanding finally comes, and there is no longer any need to call.

An hour later she knows why Zan has done what he has done, and she knows that she cannot save him.

In the end, the sheriff is right. What Zan has done is not about her at all. But it is not about Zan either.

***

Once you’re with Max, leave. Go somewhere safe. You need to leave.

A shiver runs down Beth’s spine as she remembers Lonnie’s warning. She is sitting on a bench in the bus station where she first arrived in New York. The sheriff is in the restaurant nearby, buying them some lunch.

She does not know how she knows that of all the places where Max might arrive in the city, this is the place, but she does. She has recognized that her life runs in parallels.

This is where she first met Zan and so she knows that it will also be where she will first meet Max again. This is where she first recognized Zan, whom she was really recognizing as Max, and so she knows that this is also where Max must come to reclaim the place that rightfully belongs to him.

She is no longer thinking about this fact though. It is what is. Rather, she is staring at the ticket counter across the way. She is watching a young woman she recognizes buy a ticket.

It turns out to be two tickets. Ava hands them to Beth as she plops down on the seat next to her. "Here. Maine. Thought it might be nice this time of year."

Beth stares down at the two tickets, then back at her friend. "What are you doing here? Where are Lonnie and Rath?"

Ava shrugs. "I’ll meet up with ‘em later. I need to talk to ya."

"You’re going to Maine?" Beth asks. She frowns. "I thought you of all people would want to look for Zan. I don’t think he’s in Maine, Ava."

"I’m not going to Maine," Ava replies patiently, although Beth already knows what she’s going to say. Ava knows it too, but she is willing to play the game. "You’re going to Maine. You and Max."

"No. I’m not," Beth replies evenly. "After Max gets back, we’re going to find Zan."

Ava smiles sadly. "I told Lonnie you wouldn’t just accept it. That’s why I came. You need to know."

Beth feels her heart start to beat more quickly. "Are you going to tell me what I’m supposed to understand about this whole situation?" She hears her voice rising, but she cannot stop it. "Are you going to try and pretend that you understand this, Ava? Because I know you don’t either. We can’t just let him do this!"

She feels Ava’s blue eyes steady on her face. Zan’s "sister" waits for Beth to get a hold of herself. She takes deep breaths, knowing that she is scared to hear it, which is why she is getting angry. She does not want to hear it. Because she realizes that Lonnie was right. What she is about to hear is going to change everything. And if she lets it, then Zan is as good as dead.

She knows this, and yet she calms down and she lets Ava speak again. When she does, the blonde says something Beth does not expect. "Have you thought about the feds, Beth? I mean, do you know what they do to aliens when they catch ‘em?"

"Do you?" Beth whispers, her heart thundering. Why is Ava torturing her like this? Is she finally exacting her revenge because Zan loves Beth and not her?

But Ava’s expression is innocent. It always has been, and it still is.

"I know," Ava says quietly. "Langley told us about lots of stuff they did to him. And Zan…he told Lonnie."

Beth stares. "What do you mean?"

"In the dreamwalk," Ava elaborates. "He told her about what they did to Max."

"Are they doing it to him?" Beth demands, her fear for Zan increasing again, although she does not know how that is possible.

"No," Ava replies. "He won’t let ‘em. He’s going down long before any of that can happen." She looks away briefly. "He lied to me. He told me he was coming back, but once Lonnie told me what he told her, I know he ain’t. He ain’t ever coming back, Beth, and you need to accept it."

Beth is confused, and she is starting to feel panicked again. This information is jumbled, and she can make no sense of it. "Ava, why are you bringing up what the FBI did to Max? What does that have to do with anything? And how does Zan even know?"

"Through the connection," Ava explains. "Through you. He knows because you know. You and Max…you’re the real deal. And because you are, Zan feels it too. He knows everything that happened to Max."

Beth is shocked. "Everything?" She feels sick. She has tried not to think about what has happened to Max. There just has not been time, and she knows that there will be many years ahead to help him move past it. But first they must be together.

What she cannot understand though is how Zan has given himself up like this, even though he knew exactly what he was getting himself into. What is driving him? She can no longer believe that it is just about her. This is just too much.

Ava reaches out and takes her hand, obviously struggling not to cry. "One of the first things…they just wanted to make sure that there wouldn’t be any more like him."

Beth shakes her head. She pretends not to understand, but she fears that she is beginning to all too well. "They don’t know about any of you. They don’t know about Isabel, or Michael, or Tess."

"That ain’t it," Ava says, now impatient. "Any more like Max. They knew how he felt about you, Beth. They used you to torture him. In more ways than one."

And suddenly, abruptly, Beth understands. "Are you talking about children? Is that what you mean?"

Ava nods. "He can’t have ‘em. They made sure of it."

Beth lowers her head, tears filling her eyes. Her heart is crying out to him. Max! What have they done to you? How have you borne it? She does not want to think about what any of this means, but she knows that soon she will be face to face with it. Soon he will be here, and she will be strong for him.

He needs her. And, finally, she thinks she understands why Zan has done what he has done. It was not for her, it was not for him. It was for Max. His original, his king.

His other self.

Can she accept this sacrifice for Max’s sake? Is this supposed to be what she understands? But she has already thought of this. Plus Zan must know that Max will not accept such a sacrifice on his behalf anyway. After all, they are very much the same. No, this cannot be the truth for which she is so desperately searching.

Ava is waiting for her to put the pieces together and, finally, when the only conclusion presents itself, she does.

"Max can’t have children," she says. She closes her eyes, swallowing. "Zan is his replacement." She meets Ava’s eyes, bringing her hand to her abdomen.

Ava nods, then says gently, "It’s true. And it’s why you need to get out of here. You need to protect it."

Beth does not know what to say. Her emotions are in turmoil. She is shocked. She is bewildered. She is dismayed. She is afraid.

And, yet, her heart does not know any of this. Her heart has started to beat again, having grown already to include the small life she now knows is on its way.

"Do you understand now?" Ava asks. "Will you let him go?"

"Is…He knows?" Beth whispers, tears streaming down her face.

"Of course. He told Lonnie."

They sit in silence for several long minutes. Beth stares blankly ahead. She notes inanely that the sheriff is standing across the way, watching them, a pair of sandwiches in his hands. He does not approach.

The silence is not a matter of Beth thinking of a way out of this mess. Because she can no longer consider it one. It is not a mess. It is a small miracle born out of tragedy and despair, and she knows that Zan thinks so too. She now understands why Zan has done what he has done and she knows that there is no way to save him. He has taken the only path open to him and she cannot stop him. Max cannot stop him. No one can stop him.

And, yet, it still takes every single shred of strength she possesses to whisper, "God help me, I have to. I have to let him go."

[Kath7]

Author's Note: Well, I really hope this isn't too disappointing after the long wait. I'm not sure if exactly what I envisioned this to be has made it on the page, but I can't fiddle with it any longer. Not to mention, my beta is out of town, so I don't even have her to blame. lol

Mood music: Here Without You by 3 Doors Down (Thanks Sarah!)


Part 20

They stare at each other for what feels like forever. Time freezes in those first moments and, for that eternity, they are the only two people in the world. Because, really, for him, there has never been anyone else who matters anyway.

This is Liz, and she is alive, and he becomes aware that her dark eyes are shining with tears. He knows in that instant that she is still his and that the last five years have been worth every single second of torture to see her look at him that way again.

He sits immobile across from her. It is not where he wants to be, but he feels powerless to move. He has come for her, but now it is up to her to cross this last hurdle. He has used up the last of his strength to get here. He has escaped from hell, because, somewhere deep inside, he knew it was time.

But, finally, he begins to wonder why it has taken five years. How could she have been shut off from him for so long? If he had known she was alive, he would have moved heaven and earth to get to her long before now.

"I thought you were dead," he says. He needs her to know this, so that she does not think that he has deliberately stayed away. Not from her. Never from her.

"I know." She smiles sadly. "I’m sorry."

"I don’t understand," he tells her simply. "Where have you been?" He glances at her still clenched hands. "Liz, why can’t I feel you?"

Because he cannot. She is sitting right across from him, he can sense her presence on the edge of his consciousness, but they are not connected.

"Because I’m not Liz," she replies. Her voice trembles slightly. "Max, I don’t remember you."

"What?" He frowns. "What do you mean?"

He knows that she is lying. Why is she lying to him? Because she must remember. If she did not, she would not be looking at him the way she is. She knows how it is between them. He can see it with his own two eyes. He can feel it in his heart, even if he cannot feel it in hers.

He should be able to feel it in hers. What is wrong here?

"Five years ago…" She trails off, and reaches up a shaking hand to push a long piece of dark hair behind her ear. He watches her hungrily, his hands itching to reach out and grab her. He feels something building between them. It is a steadily increasing tension, one that will not be ignored for long. He can barely concentrate on what she is saying, but he makes himself focus.

"Five years ago we jumped off a bridge," she continues. "You were captured and…" She swallows visibly. "I was lost." She smiles through her tears. "I don’t remember anything."

It hits him abruptly that she means that she literally cannot remember him. He sees that beneath the flame in her eyes, there is something darker. There is an emptiness there, and it is lack of memory. She truly does not know who he is.

And, yet, she found him anyway. She was not the only one who was lost, after all. She does not remember him, but she found him, in spite of all the odds.

There can only be one explanation. He feels a rush of relief. The connection is not broken. It still exists, but it is blocked by her injured mind. He knows it is not permanent though. He can heal her.

She has not called him back only to save him. It is for her too. He is meant to help bring back her true self. He is the only one who can do it, because he is the only one who knows who she truly is. Just as she is the only one who has ever really known him.

"Liz." He falls to his knees in front of her. She gazes at him steadily, unafraid. He reaches up and gently cradles her face between his hands. They have yet to break their locked gazes. Since the moment she opened hers, their eyes have not looked away from each other.

"Max," she whispers. She lowers her head and kisses him and they both gasp as, so simply, the connection flares to life between them. She instantly opens herself completely, trusting that he will bring her back as fully as she has done for him.

He makes himself brush aside the rush of images that greets him, although some do penetrate his consciousness. He resists analyzing their meaning.

He does not allow himself to concentrate on the sweetness of her lips. He will not reflect on how his heart is hammering in his chest, begging him to lose himself in her. Because this connection must be about so much more than how much he physically desires her.

Instead, for the first time in five and a half years, he connects with living tissue, instinctively knowing how she is injured, and what he must do to heal her. It does not feel like it has been five years since he was last truly free to use his powers. It is the most natural thing in the world to find the shadowed corners of her brain and, once he has discovered the injured areas, to bring them back to the light.

This is his gift, and she is his life. He will not fail her.

And, when a new set of flashes begin to push their way into his consciousness - scenes that he recognizes from before Pierce, from before the bridge; scenes he senses she now remembers too - he knows that he has succeeded.

It is only then that he allows himself to relax. But he does not stop kissing her. There is more to this healing than the physical. He is not just healing her, but himself as well. With every brush of her lips, he feels his soul releasing the pain and agony of the past five years. Because, when he is with Liz, there is no White Room. There is no Pierce. There are no five years without her.

There is only peace.

Until he becomes aware of the fact that they are not alone.

He is not certain of exactly when he becomes cognizant of the fact that it is no longer just the two of them in the connection. Perhaps it is when he starts to really see the memories that are not Liz, but are instead who she has been for the past five years. Perhaps it is when she starts to pull away, whispering that she must explain; that there are things they need to talk about now, before he sees and does not understand. Perhaps it is when his heart processes the understanding that she has indeed been lost since they leaped from the bridge, but she has not been alone.

In the end, it does not matter when he realizes the truth of it. It changes everything and, yet, not for the worse. He never imagined that he could welcome anyone into what he shares with Liz, but, almost instantly he accepts it.

Of course, he is momentarily shocked; there is a slight pang of regret that it will never be just the two of them again. But then his heart lightens and the one fear of disappointing her that he has held in his innermost heart, because of the one gift he knows that he will never be able to give her, evaporates and he knows what it means to find true purpose for the first time in his life.

She has not been alone, and she has been sometimes happy, but it does not mean that she has ever stopped being his. Because he has been with her for the past five years. In her heart, as she has been with him, but physically too. Because that was him in those flashes.

He has always hated the word destiny, but he knows that he will never been able to run from his. Fate has not always been kind to him, but it has landed him back in Liz’s arms again. He is not going to allow jealousy or anger to interfere with that. They have both been through too much to permit such petty emotions to get in the way. If he ever wants to be happy, then he is just going to have to believe that all things happen for the good.

They will continue to be tested, but the love he has always felt for her will bring them through to the other side.

"I can explain," Liz says quietly. Now that the connection is no longer blocked, he can sense her fear. He aches to reassure her. He does not quite understand all that he has seen - does not yet know the hows or the whens or the whys - but he is not angry.

He knows that she is his. He also senses that the life she carries within her is meant to be his as well. Not fathered by him, but his nonetheless. His child. And, yet, there is a story here that he must allow her to tell, if only to dispel her unease that he will not understand.

But explanations must wait. Because, as he is sitting back on his heels waiting for her to unburden herself, a burning pain pierces his left shoulder. He grimaces, surprised. Then he grabs his stomach, bending at the waist as the same pain, only more intense, stabs him there.

"Max!" Liz exclaims. She grabs him by the shoulders. "What’s wrong?"

But he cannot hear her. His eyes are rolling up into his head, and for a strange moment, he is staring up at a blue sky.

A face stares down at him, terror written in every line.

"I bleed," he mutters, not at all afraid when the face above him is obscured by the gun pointing down at him.

Max jerks as he feels the third bullet enter his body.

And, yet, the entire time, he is fully aware that none of this is happening to him. This is another him. He is living this moment with that other self, who - when Max leaves him in this lonely place - will no longer exist.

Max regrets it, but he knows that he must not stay. What is happening here means that he does not have to.

What is happening here means that he cannot stay. He can never go back to the selfish indulgence of blaming himself for all that has gone wrong in the lives of his loved ones. He has more important things to worry about now. The White Room can no longer be allowed to haunt him. He cannot allow that what has happened on this deserted highway ends up being for nothing.

As he leaves, he senses that his other self receives his acceptance, and that he is grateful. Max hopes that he understands fully just how grateful Max is back.

He shakes his head firmly, once more becoming fully aware of Liz, although she has been with him the whole time. She is white-faced, but when she sees that he is again focused on her, she drops to the floor beside him and throws her arms around his neck.

He holds her tightly, but he is not afraid. He knows that whatever that was - whatever horrible nightmare momentarily claimed him - it is over.

For a time there were two, but now there is one. He is the only Max left and he will not allow the gift of it to go to waste.

They are no longer alone. He glances over Liz’s shoulder at Sheriff Valenti, who is hovering behind the bench. He does not say anything, but he is obviously concerned.

"Max. It’s good to see you, son," the sheriff says when Max has finally climbed to his feet, pulling Liz up with him. She is still trembling.

"Thank you, Sheriff," he replies. "You, too." He glances down at Liz, who is staring up at him, her dark eyes pained. "But we can’t stay."

It is the painful truth. What he has learned in the past few minutes has made it so that he knows that he and Liz have one chance to protect the future. And, to do so, they cannot remain in New York. He feels a pang that he will not be able to see Isabel, and Michael, and the others, but they will follow eventually.

For now, Liz - and the precious life growing within her - must be his only concern.