<center>~*~Part 70~*~</center>
“Xan?” Isabel repeated.
I turned around and found Isabel standing about 3 feet away from me in the middle of the field I was currently lying in.
“What’s up, Isabel?” I asked vaguely. I knew what was coming.
“I think I should ask you that.” She said softly.
I looked at her in surprise. I couldn’t believe she’d said that. Wasn’t she supposed to be the mature one? I felt myself getting defensive again, but I knew I didn’t want to be. Defensiveness and anger led to nothing good…at least that’s what all those movies Alex used to make me watch had taught me.
“You know you’re obviously Max’s daughter, but you act a lot like Michael when you’re alone or scared.”
“What does that mean?” I didn’t really need to ask that question, but I did anyway. I knew all about Michael’s famous stonewall exterior. Maria had warned me about guys like that for years.
Isabel didn’t answer the question. Instead, she made 2 comfortable chairs appear and sat down. “I know you’re learning—and have learned—an awful lot about us in the past few months, but there’s still a lot you don’t know about us, Xan. When we were teenagers, right up to when Max saved your mother, we were all so scared, but we showed it in different ways. Max, he always looked outward—envious of the normalcy of everyone around us. Michael put up a wall that only a few people were ever able to get over. He thought that if no one knew how he felt or what was going on with him—he’d survive better.” She paused.
“What did you do?”
She sighed and waited another moment before speaking again. She didn’t answer my question. “We were so afraid back then, Xan, of everything. We were convinced that if people found out the truth about us, we’d never be free again.”
“And then Mom and Maria and Alex found out the truth. You’re still free, Isabel.”
“Yes, they found out—and Max got taken to the White Room.” She looked me in the eye. “Has Max told you about that?”
I shook my head. I’d heard bits and pieces about it, never the whole story.
“That was the confirmation of everything we’d feared. The group Matt belongs to took Max years before you were ever imagined, Xan. And they locked him up and did everything we were afraid of. They tested him, poked and prodded him, and took all these samples. We rescued him—“
“How?”
“Acutally, the way we did it was to embrace our alienness and our alien abilities. I mean, Michael, Tess and I—we used our powers. And we managed to rescue him.”
“Mom was there, too.” That was the first time he ever told her he loved her.
“Of course. We couldn’t keep her away from Max.” She continued as if that statement was trivial to what she was talking about. “And in some ways, I think that’s what we were most afraid of: being an alien because it was completely unknown to us. I mean, we at least had role models for being a human. Being an alien was just a big question.”
“But you embraced it—“
“Only because we needed to save Max. Tess convinced us it was the only way.” She looked up into the sky. “I honestly believe that had Max not been kidnapped, we’d still be hiding in Roswell. Hell, I know that if Max had never saved Liz, no one else would know about our alienness. I thought that was the best plan when I was 16. I guess I’m glad I thought wrong.” She touched her small belly and smiled.
I watched her for a moment and then remembered the question she hadn’t answered. “Isabel, what did you do to hide?”
She shrugged. “I became the high school ice princess. My teen years were a lot like yours, Xan. I was beautiful and smart and the most popular girl in school. I was elitist and separate—never showing any vulnerability. No one ever knew I had a secret because no one ever knew me.”
“There’s a huge difference between us, Is. You knew you had a secret; I didn’t.”
She nodded and looked at me with melancholy in her eyes. “And you were happy.”
I looked at Isabel and was instantly reminded of that quote my mother used to say when I was little and asking dozens of questions. I’d never understood what it meant until now. Ignorance is bliss. It was true; I had had a happy childhood. I never had to deal with any of the hidden or scary things my parents and family had had to deal with because of the knowledge of their secret. I’d had the life they’d all wanted—that they’d all given up. So what if I was confused now? They’d done what they thought was best for me. I had to respect that and trust their decisions. It wasn’t like we could go back and change them now.
“Xan, I don’t have all the answers to the questions you’re wondering about. I don’t think any of us do. I just know that you need to talk about what’s going on in that complicated hybrid brain of yours. I won’t promise it will make you feel better. But I can say it will make the rest of us feel better--no matter what you say or do after it. We just want to know you’re okay, especially your Mom and Dad.” She met my eyes and wouldn’t let me lower my gaze in guilt. “You’re trying to take care of all of this on your own, Xan, and I just want you to remember that you have a whole family here who loves you and wants to help you. Talk to us.”
Xan (CC/FF,M/L,TEEN/MATURE) AN - 12/12/04 [WIP]
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<center>~*~Part 71~*~</center>
I woke up with Isabel’s last words in my head.
<center><I>“You’re trying to take care of all of this on your own, Xan, and I just want you to remember that you have a whole family here who loves you and wants to help you. Talk to us.”</I></center>
I wanted to take Isabel’s advice. But I didn’t know what to say. I mean, how do you just bring all of this up? I walked back to the house trying to figure out how to do that. I just felt so pathetic, and I didn’t want to anymore. But I knew that if I faced my mother feeling like this, I’d just wind up sobbing, and I didn’ twant that. I needed to feel like I was in control of something. And I hated that I felt like I needed control, even in talking to my mother. I just felt like my entire world was spinning and there was nothing keeping me safe. And maybe I was finally realizing that I was going to have to be the one to keep me safe. I was going to have to find my safety net within myself and adapt it to the world around me.
I just wish doing that was as easy as saying it.
When I finally worked up the courage to walk into my house, I expected to be met by my entire family. Instead, I just found my grandmother in the kitchen searching through the pantry.
“Xan!” She exclaimed as I walked towards the stairs.
“Hi, grandma.” My voice was meek again. I didn’t know what to say. The guilty conscience in me was just dying to apologize for something.
“Do you know where Michael keeps the sugar? I was going to make some cookies, but I can’t find the sugar.”
“I don't know where it is.” I said watching her. She seemed so natural.
She moved some containers around in a cupboard. “Here it is!” She put the sugar on the counter next to the other ingredients for chocolate chip cookies.
I started toward the stairs again.
Diane started cracking eggs. “You know, these were the first cookies I ever made for Max and Isabel. They’d probably only been with Philip and I for maybe a week. And they were still so dependent on each other for everything. Max would sneak into Isabel’s room every night to keep her safe. Philip and I were so confused. We didn’t know what to do, how to let them know they were safe with us, that we’d always love them.” She looked up from the mixture of ingredients. She smiled. “It sounds so easy, doesn’t it? Saying that we—I loved them, but it was the truth. I have loved my children from the very instant I first saw them.” She started mixing. “They were so small. And Max was holding Isabel’s hand. Her other hand was reaching out. At the time, I really believed she was reaching out for me because she just knew who I was and how important I would be to her. She was probably really reaching out to Michael.” She sighed. “I will always regret that we didn’t find Michael that night, too. So many of the horrible things that he went through…would have been prevented.” She looked so sad. “But hindsight is 20/20, and I guess that if everything hadn’t happened like it did, we never would have wound up here…” She sighed. “Anyway, they’d been with us a week, and Isabel, especially, had already shown a clear sweet tooth so I decided to make these cookies, just like my mom used to for me.” She smiled. “Isabel smelled them cooking and ran into the kitchen. She looked so amazed when she saw them rising in the oven.” Diane started turning the mixture into cookie shapes. “Max was much more hesitant. He stood outside the door to the kitchen, just waiting, watching. He was so…hesitant, afraid to trust us. I guess I understand now, but…then, it just broke my heart.” She smiled sunnily. “When the cookies were done, Isabel started to grab one off a tray that was straight from the oven. And Max started to swoop in to pull Isabel away, but I made it to her first, pulling her into my arms and keeping her away from the heat. I will never forget the look on Isabel’s face, Xan. It was like she understood in that moment that I would take care of her.” She put 2 trays of cookies in the oven. “She really knew it, Xan, in a way I really can’t explain. She kind of understood I’d love her unconditionally—despite all the recent changes that had been happening to her. I don’t really know how old the kids were when they realized they were special, but I never saw that look change in Isabel’s eyes. I think she knew that even though she felt like she couldn’t tell me—she knew at that deep, unknown, subconscious level that I was always going to love her.” She smiled.
“What about Max?”
She started to clean up her prep space. “It took him longer to understand what unconditionally means. I think that was the day he finally started to realize that he could trust Philip and me with both himself and Isabel. But I still wonder if he ever really understood that we would never leave. At that time, all the counselors and pop psychology books I read said that he’d just experienced too much trauma at too young an age to thrive fully. One psychiatrist said that while Isabel focused on our rescue of her and therefore reached out to others, Max was still wrapped up in the trauma of the abandonment and couldn’t move on.” She shrugged. “I guess that’s true. I wonder now if Max didn’t know the truth way before Isabel started to realize. He certainly took any opportunity he could to hide from us and others.” I could almost sense where this was going.
“And then Max was 16. He literally spent more time at the CrashDown then at home.” She smiled. “I guess all the exotic foods I was cooking wasn’t helping that.” I smiled. I’d heard about some of those so-called ‘god-awful’ meals. “But I’m pretty sure it had more to do with the waitress there than anything else. I once overheard a conversation between Max, Isabel, and Michael. This might have been right after the shooting. And Michael asked something to the effect of ‘Why her?’. And Max’s entire demeanor just changed. And he said, in the first truly confident tone I had ever heard from him, ‘Because she makes me feel normal’. I decided to like Liz at that moment. I wanted him to have that—to be normal because I had just been hit by this wave of empathy…I suddenly understood how much of an outsider Max had felt like all his life, and I knew it was nothing Philip or I had done. It was just the way he felt to his soul.” Diane looked at me. “I don’t think he ever felt that unconditional love we all dream about and maybe only truly know for a few moments until Max felt the love Liz had for him. And from what I understand, that go him through quite a bit.”
I nodded. I didn’t know what to say.
“Xan, Max and Liz aren’t perfect. None of us are. We’ve all made decisions that may or may not be for the best. Philip and I ignored the hints for years about the kids. Max gave up a destiny he’d never asked for to be with Liz. And Max, Michael, and Isabel gave up every dream they’d ever had to keep the rest of us safe.” She sat down across from me and held my hands. “We obviously can’t go back and change any of these decisions. Even if we could, I’m not sure I’d want to. The only thing we can do is go on and deal with—process—these changes as well as we can. And that doesn’t mean that we have to deal with everything on our own. We just have to learn how to let go of…pride…and accept the help around us.”
I looked at my grandmother with eyes suddenly full of tears. “What if that pride is all we have left?”
“Then you’re not looking around enough, sweetie. There’s more to us than just the situations we are in. Sure, they help us see who we are, but there’s something deeper, more intuitive than that that I think defines us. And I know that’s what you’ve been struggling with, Xan. But I think that in all fo the drama, you’ve just forgotten what matters most about you. And maybe you’ve forgotten what you know about other people as well.”
The timer rang on the oven.
“My cookies are done! Why don't you have a few, Xan? I guarantee they’re the best chocolate chip cookies you’ll ever have.” She took out a milk bottle and placed it beside a cup and a half full bottle of Tobasco. She placed a few cookies on the plate in front of me. “Be careful, they’re hot.”
I smiled. “Thanks, Grandma.” I meant for so much more than the cookies.
She slid her palm under my chin and met my eyes. “You’re welcome, sweetheart. This is what grandmothers are for.”
<center>***</center>
I woke up with Isabel’s last words in my head.
<center><I>“You’re trying to take care of all of this on your own, Xan, and I just want you to remember that you have a whole family here who loves you and wants to help you. Talk to us.”</I></center>
I wanted to take Isabel’s advice. But I didn’t know what to say. I mean, how do you just bring all of this up? I walked back to the house trying to figure out how to do that. I just felt so pathetic, and I didn’t want to anymore. But I knew that if I faced my mother feeling like this, I’d just wind up sobbing, and I didn’ twant that. I needed to feel like I was in control of something. And I hated that I felt like I needed control, even in talking to my mother. I just felt like my entire world was spinning and there was nothing keeping me safe. And maybe I was finally realizing that I was going to have to be the one to keep me safe. I was going to have to find my safety net within myself and adapt it to the world around me.
I just wish doing that was as easy as saying it.
When I finally worked up the courage to walk into my house, I expected to be met by my entire family. Instead, I just found my grandmother in the kitchen searching through the pantry.
“Xan!” She exclaimed as I walked towards the stairs.
“Hi, grandma.” My voice was meek again. I didn’t know what to say. The guilty conscience in me was just dying to apologize for something.
“Do you know where Michael keeps the sugar? I was going to make some cookies, but I can’t find the sugar.”
“I don't know where it is.” I said watching her. She seemed so natural.
She moved some containers around in a cupboard. “Here it is!” She put the sugar on the counter next to the other ingredients for chocolate chip cookies.
I started toward the stairs again.
Diane started cracking eggs. “You know, these were the first cookies I ever made for Max and Isabel. They’d probably only been with Philip and I for maybe a week. And they were still so dependent on each other for everything. Max would sneak into Isabel’s room every night to keep her safe. Philip and I were so confused. We didn’t know what to do, how to let them know they were safe with us, that we’d always love them.” She looked up from the mixture of ingredients. She smiled. “It sounds so easy, doesn’t it? Saying that we—I loved them, but it was the truth. I have loved my children from the very instant I first saw them.” She started mixing. “They were so small. And Max was holding Isabel’s hand. Her other hand was reaching out. At the time, I really believed she was reaching out for me because she just knew who I was and how important I would be to her. She was probably really reaching out to Michael.” She sighed. “I will always regret that we didn’t find Michael that night, too. So many of the horrible things that he went through…would have been prevented.” She looked so sad. “But hindsight is 20/20, and I guess that if everything hadn’t happened like it did, we never would have wound up here…” She sighed. “Anyway, they’d been with us a week, and Isabel, especially, had already shown a clear sweet tooth so I decided to make these cookies, just like my mom used to for me.” She smiled. “Isabel smelled them cooking and ran into the kitchen. She looked so amazed when she saw them rising in the oven.” Diane started turning the mixture into cookie shapes. “Max was much more hesitant. He stood outside the door to the kitchen, just waiting, watching. He was so…hesitant, afraid to trust us. I guess I understand now, but…then, it just broke my heart.” She smiled sunnily. “When the cookies were done, Isabel started to grab one off a tray that was straight from the oven. And Max started to swoop in to pull Isabel away, but I made it to her first, pulling her into my arms and keeping her away from the heat. I will never forget the look on Isabel’s face, Xan. It was like she understood in that moment that I would take care of her.” She put 2 trays of cookies in the oven. “She really knew it, Xan, in a way I really can’t explain. She kind of understood I’d love her unconditionally—despite all the recent changes that had been happening to her. I don’t really know how old the kids were when they realized they were special, but I never saw that look change in Isabel’s eyes. I think she knew that even though she felt like she couldn’t tell me—she knew at that deep, unknown, subconscious level that I was always going to love her.” She smiled.
“What about Max?”
She started to clean up her prep space. “It took him longer to understand what unconditionally means. I think that was the day he finally started to realize that he could trust Philip and me with both himself and Isabel. But I still wonder if he ever really understood that we would never leave. At that time, all the counselors and pop psychology books I read said that he’d just experienced too much trauma at too young an age to thrive fully. One psychiatrist said that while Isabel focused on our rescue of her and therefore reached out to others, Max was still wrapped up in the trauma of the abandonment and couldn’t move on.” She shrugged. “I guess that’s true. I wonder now if Max didn’t know the truth way before Isabel started to realize. He certainly took any opportunity he could to hide from us and others.” I could almost sense where this was going.
“And then Max was 16. He literally spent more time at the CrashDown then at home.” She smiled. “I guess all the exotic foods I was cooking wasn’t helping that.” I smiled. I’d heard about some of those so-called ‘god-awful’ meals. “But I’m pretty sure it had more to do with the waitress there than anything else. I once overheard a conversation between Max, Isabel, and Michael. This might have been right after the shooting. And Michael asked something to the effect of ‘Why her?’. And Max’s entire demeanor just changed. And he said, in the first truly confident tone I had ever heard from him, ‘Because she makes me feel normal’. I decided to like Liz at that moment. I wanted him to have that—to be normal because I had just been hit by this wave of empathy…I suddenly understood how much of an outsider Max had felt like all his life, and I knew it was nothing Philip or I had done. It was just the way he felt to his soul.” Diane looked at me. “I don’t think he ever felt that unconditional love we all dream about and maybe only truly know for a few moments until Max felt the love Liz had for him. And from what I understand, that go him through quite a bit.”
I nodded. I didn’t know what to say.
“Xan, Max and Liz aren’t perfect. None of us are. We’ve all made decisions that may or may not be for the best. Philip and I ignored the hints for years about the kids. Max gave up a destiny he’d never asked for to be with Liz. And Max, Michael, and Isabel gave up every dream they’d ever had to keep the rest of us safe.” She sat down across from me and held my hands. “We obviously can’t go back and change any of these decisions. Even if we could, I’m not sure I’d want to. The only thing we can do is go on and deal with—process—these changes as well as we can. And that doesn’t mean that we have to deal with everything on our own. We just have to learn how to let go of…pride…and accept the help around us.”
I looked at my grandmother with eyes suddenly full of tears. “What if that pride is all we have left?”
“Then you’re not looking around enough, sweetie. There’s more to us than just the situations we are in. Sure, they help us see who we are, but there’s something deeper, more intuitive than that that I think defines us. And I know that’s what you’ve been struggling with, Xan. But I think that in all fo the drama, you’ve just forgotten what matters most about you. And maybe you’ve forgotten what you know about other people as well.”
The timer rang on the oven.
“My cookies are done! Why don't you have a few, Xan? I guarantee they’re the best chocolate chip cookies you’ll ever have.” She took out a milk bottle and placed it beside a cup and a half full bottle of Tobasco. She placed a few cookies on the plate in front of me. “Be careful, they’re hot.”
I smiled. “Thanks, Grandma.” I meant for so much more than the cookies.
She slid her palm under my chin and met my eyes. “You’re welcome, sweetheart. This is what grandmothers are for.”
<center>***</center>
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Transparent Clear
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
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AN: so apparently, my weekends end on tuesday. 
i'm so sorry this took so long, and to be honest, i'm not even sure about this part. it all poured out of me one night at work, and i've been trying to tweak it...but for some reason, i haven't been able to. i'm confused.
anyway, thank you all so much for still reading adn remembering this story.
Jenn
<center>~*~Part 72~*~</center>
After the cookies and mil, I went up to my room to think. I wondered where everyone else was but took this time to just sit down and think. I stared up at the stars on the ceiling—the ones my father had put there for me—and thought about the last time I was completely aware of everything about myself.
The last time I could clearly remember it was about a week before I found out the truth about what I am. I was hanging out with Megan at the mall. We were shopping for new shoes, but we kept finding clothes to try on instead. I’d tried on this ridiculously short dress, certain that I was going to look like a slut, but…instead I felt strong.
As I fell asleep, I remembered walking out of the dressing room, looking at Megan and asking how I looked.
“So how do I look?” I walked toward the full length mirror.
“Alex, oh my God,” she’d said, “you look incredible. You have to buy it.”
“You think?” I twirled around trying to see my ass in it.
“Matt is going to die when he sees you in it.” She grinned.
“I think the better question is, will my mom die?”
The dream changed. We were still together but we were no longer in the store. Instead, we were in the quad to my old school, staring at each other. Somehow that memory had led me to dreamwalk her. I couldn’t believe how easily that had happened.
“Alex?” She said slowly.
“Hi, Megan.”
“Oh, my God, is this real? I mean, I was just thinking about you and now—“ She looked around. “Why are we in school? Is this a dream?”
I smiled. “Well, if this were just a dream, anything I said would just be what you want to hear or already know.”
She laughed. “Well, that does sound like you, babe. So what is this?”
I didn’t even really know the name for it. “Let’s just call it a dream, okay?”
“Sure,” she smiled easily. “And if this is just a dream of mine, then I choose to believe that this is you and you’ll be honest with me.”
“Always, Meg.”
“What’s going on, Alex? You’ve like completely disappeared. And everyone makes it sound like you ran away—and I know that’s what your note said—but I just can’t believe it, not you, Alex. What’s going on? Where are you? And where is your mom? No one has seen her since you left.”
“Megan, I don't know how to explain all of this. I’m living on a ranch with my mother and father.”
“Your father? Does this all have something to do with him?”
“Kind of.”
“What does that mean?”
“God, Megan, I don't’ even really know where to begin.” I started pacing the quad.
“Let’s start with the important things first. Are you okay?”
I nodded. “I guess. I have everything I ever wanted right now.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’m with my entire family, my parents, Maria, Alex, and my other aunt and uncle Isabel and Michael.”
“Where?”
“A ranch in Mexico.” I knew right then I’d said too much.
“Your father owns a Mexican ranch?” I nodded. She grinned. “I just can’t imagine my city girl living on a ranch.”
I laughed. “I know. I couldn’t either, but…this is what it takes, I suppose.”
“What does that mean? I feel like I barely know my best friend anymore.”
“I feel the same way, Megan. I just don’t know myself.”
“Whoa. Alex, you’ve never said that. And you’ve never sounded so indefinite about yourself.”
“This is how I feel.”
“Why? What happened?”
“You know how I’ve always had this sense of myself. I never thought it was tied to any external factors, but I guess I was wrong. Because now that all my former stability is gone, I just feel like I don’t know anything about me anymore.”
“What factors have changed?”
“My family—“
“How has that changed? I thought you were still with Liz, Alex, and Maria.”
“I am. But I’m also with my father, aunt and uncle.”
“How does that change anything that would rock your sense of stability or self? You were always curious about your family.”
“I know.” I sighed. “I just feel like there are all these expectations on me now. I mean, I know that my Mom, Alex and Maria all love me unconditionally. But they’re used to me and the way I live. I can’t help but wonder if Dad, Isabel, and Michael aren’t expecting me to behave in a certain way, to be a certain person. And Meg, what if I can’t be the person they want me to be? What if I don’t know how?”
“Alex, you can’t think like that. You are who you are. That’s all you can be, and all anyone should want you to be. And if people have expectations of you, that’s their problem, not yours. You don’t have to live up to them.”
“Damn, Megan, where did all that come from?”
“I guess in this dream,” she smiled, “I’m already the psychologist.”
I laughed. “You certainly are.” I looked at her for a minute. “Meg, I am so sorry about just leaving without really explaining things to you. That wasn’t fair.”
“Alex, I can’t say it didn’t hurt, but I know you had your reasons. You’re my best friend; I can trust you.”
“Thank you.”
“Will I ever see you again?”
“I’m not sure, not in real life, anyway.”
“Will you ever explain why you left?”
I sighed. “I don't know how to.”
“Alex, you know you can tell me anything. Besides, if this is just my dream, you have to.”
I laughed. “Did you ever notice that my entire family called me Xan?” I felt stupid asking that question. Of course she had to have noticed.
“I kind of just figured that it was one of those nicknames your parents give you. I mean, at least yours was cool. My parents have called me Meggy-moose since I was 3.”
I laughed. “Well, it actually meant a lot more.” I couldn’t believe I was about to tell her the truth. “My parents named me Alexandra—partly after Alex who was listed as my father, but it meant more. Xan was the nickname my father gave me. It meant a lot to who he was…because that used to be his name.”
“Whoa…I thought his name was Max.”
“It is. It’s just Zan used to be his name, too.”
“How?”
“Well, that actually explains it all.” I knew I was hedging. “See, my Dad has had a…um…extra llife, I guess, than anyone really knows about.”
“Extra life? Alex, what are you talking about?”
“Um, my father. He’s kind of…not of this earth.” I felt like my mother trying ot explain all this to Maria that day.
Megan looked at me for a second and then started giggling. “What does that mean?”
I wished I could laugh. I would feel better if I could just laugh about this, too. But I couldn’t because the next words that came from my mouth was probably going to scare my best friend to death. Either that or she wouldn’t be my best friend again. And I knew this was just a dream and I didn’t have to let her remember it, but…her opinion still mattered. “Um, he’s an alien, and I am, too.” I couldn’t believe those words had come from my mouth. Where was the tact and gentle explanations?
“Alex, honestly! Don’t be so silly. You can tell me the truth.”
“I am.” I proceeded to spill the whole story to her before she could get a word in edgewise. I felt like I had to get it out quickly now that I’d said it at all. I sped through the story, ending with, “And I had to leave before Matt, who works for the FBI, by the way, turned me in or took my family.”
“You’re serious.” She looked pale and very confused.
“Yes.” I felt so much better just saying this to her. Of course, I hadn’t really had her reaction to it, so this could still end badly, but…
“This isn’t just a dream, is it?”
“No. This is one of the things I can do. I can dream myself into another person’s dreams. I didn’t intend to do this to you. I would never want to…intrude on your privacy, but I was thinking about the last time I knew who I was—and that was with you. I must have fallen asleep while I was thinking about it—and the next thing I knew I was talking to you.”
“Will I remember this in the morning?”
“Do you want to?” I said almost shyly. The answer to that question would just tell me so many things.
She looked around the school for a few minutes. “I want to, Alex. I really do—“
“But?”
“Can I get in trouble for knowing? Could what I know hurt you now?”
“I don’t know.” I honestly hadn’t thought about that. “I guess if Jeremy ever got desparate enough, he could come back and start questioning you to try to find me—“
Megan interrupted me and laughed her carefree Maria-esque laugh. “You know what?” She looked so happy—just like she always used to. “Screw him—and not in that happy, fun way. You are my best friend. I want to know the truth about you.”
I had never felt so much weight lift off my shoulders, off my entire body. “Thank you, Megan.” I smiled the first real smile I’d felt in ages.
“Thank you for telling me the truth,” she thought for a moment, “Xan.”
“It feels kind of weird to hear you call me that.”
“It’s weird to say, but...that’s who you are now. Because Xan doesn’t have any secrets about how she is.”
“She’s just confused about who that is.”
“No, she isn’t. She just forgot herself for a little while.”
“How do I find myself again?”
Megan hugged me. “Silly girl. You haven’t been paying attention. You are right there. You’re the same girl I’ve always known. You still like the same things. You still do the same things. The only difference is that now you can do some pretty remarkable things.” She grinned. “And someday I expect to take advantage of those skills. Just stop thinking of yourself as different, babe, and stop thinking of your old life as something separate from who you are now. You are who you are; that hasn’t changed. You know, I’m not as cool with this idea of aliens as I’m pretending here. The idea that there are other people somewhere out there…that’s not something I ever really wanted to think about. And then to find out my best friend is an alien…wow. But you’re my best friend, Xan, whether you were born on this planet or in some incubational scary pod.” She smiled. “I would know you anywhere, babe. And that’s why you’re you, no matter what you think.”
I was silent for a few moments trying to absorb everything she had said. “You’re pretty smart, Megan.”
“I know. You just need to listen to me.” She changed the subject. “Can you keep coming to me like this?”
“I can.”
“Good. You’re my best friend. I don’t want to be without you.”
“Me, either.” I hugged her. “I guess I’d better wake up. I have the feeling my mother wants to talk to me.”
“You haven’t talked to Liz about all this?” Megan looked amazed.
“I told you. I’ve been confused.”
“But still—it’s Liz, Xan. You need to talk to her.”
“I know, and I’m going to,” I said persistently. Maybe if I keep telling myself that, I would really do it.
“Good.” She hugged me again. “I love you, Xan.”
“I love you too, Meggy-moose. I’ll talk to you soon.”
I woke up out of her dreams and stared at my ceiling again. I could hear voices downstairs. It was time for me to step up and face the music.
i'm so sorry this took so long, and to be honest, i'm not even sure about this part. it all poured out of me one night at work, and i've been trying to tweak it...but for some reason, i haven't been able to. i'm confused. anyway, thank you all so much for still reading adn remembering this story.
Jenn
<center>~*~Part 72~*~</center>
After the cookies and mil, I went up to my room to think. I wondered where everyone else was but took this time to just sit down and think. I stared up at the stars on the ceiling—the ones my father had put there for me—and thought about the last time I was completely aware of everything about myself.
The last time I could clearly remember it was about a week before I found out the truth about what I am. I was hanging out with Megan at the mall. We were shopping for new shoes, but we kept finding clothes to try on instead. I’d tried on this ridiculously short dress, certain that I was going to look like a slut, but…instead I felt strong.
As I fell asleep, I remembered walking out of the dressing room, looking at Megan and asking how I looked.
“So how do I look?” I walked toward the full length mirror.
“Alex, oh my God,” she’d said, “you look incredible. You have to buy it.”
“You think?” I twirled around trying to see my ass in it.
“Matt is going to die when he sees you in it.” She grinned.
“I think the better question is, will my mom die?”
The dream changed. We were still together but we were no longer in the store. Instead, we were in the quad to my old school, staring at each other. Somehow that memory had led me to dreamwalk her. I couldn’t believe how easily that had happened.
“Alex?” She said slowly.
“Hi, Megan.”
“Oh, my God, is this real? I mean, I was just thinking about you and now—“ She looked around. “Why are we in school? Is this a dream?”
I smiled. “Well, if this were just a dream, anything I said would just be what you want to hear or already know.”
She laughed. “Well, that does sound like you, babe. So what is this?”
I didn’t even really know the name for it. “Let’s just call it a dream, okay?”
“Sure,” she smiled easily. “And if this is just a dream of mine, then I choose to believe that this is you and you’ll be honest with me.”
“Always, Meg.”
“What’s going on, Alex? You’ve like completely disappeared. And everyone makes it sound like you ran away—and I know that’s what your note said—but I just can’t believe it, not you, Alex. What’s going on? Where are you? And where is your mom? No one has seen her since you left.”
“Megan, I don't know how to explain all of this. I’m living on a ranch with my mother and father.”
“Your father? Does this all have something to do with him?”
“Kind of.”
“What does that mean?”
“God, Megan, I don't’ even really know where to begin.” I started pacing the quad.
“Let’s start with the important things first. Are you okay?”
I nodded. “I guess. I have everything I ever wanted right now.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’m with my entire family, my parents, Maria, Alex, and my other aunt and uncle Isabel and Michael.”
“Where?”
“A ranch in Mexico.” I knew right then I’d said too much.
“Your father owns a Mexican ranch?” I nodded. She grinned. “I just can’t imagine my city girl living on a ranch.”
I laughed. “I know. I couldn’t either, but…this is what it takes, I suppose.”
“What does that mean? I feel like I barely know my best friend anymore.”
“I feel the same way, Megan. I just don’t know myself.”
“Whoa. Alex, you’ve never said that. And you’ve never sounded so indefinite about yourself.”
“This is how I feel.”
“Why? What happened?”
“You know how I’ve always had this sense of myself. I never thought it was tied to any external factors, but I guess I was wrong. Because now that all my former stability is gone, I just feel like I don’t know anything about me anymore.”
“What factors have changed?”
“My family—“
“How has that changed? I thought you were still with Liz, Alex, and Maria.”
“I am. But I’m also with my father, aunt and uncle.”
“How does that change anything that would rock your sense of stability or self? You were always curious about your family.”
“I know.” I sighed. “I just feel like there are all these expectations on me now. I mean, I know that my Mom, Alex and Maria all love me unconditionally. But they’re used to me and the way I live. I can’t help but wonder if Dad, Isabel, and Michael aren’t expecting me to behave in a certain way, to be a certain person. And Meg, what if I can’t be the person they want me to be? What if I don’t know how?”
“Alex, you can’t think like that. You are who you are. That’s all you can be, and all anyone should want you to be. And if people have expectations of you, that’s their problem, not yours. You don’t have to live up to them.”
“Damn, Megan, where did all that come from?”
“I guess in this dream,” she smiled, “I’m already the psychologist.”
I laughed. “You certainly are.” I looked at her for a minute. “Meg, I am so sorry about just leaving without really explaining things to you. That wasn’t fair.”
“Alex, I can’t say it didn’t hurt, but I know you had your reasons. You’re my best friend; I can trust you.”
“Thank you.”
“Will I ever see you again?”
“I’m not sure, not in real life, anyway.”
“Will you ever explain why you left?”
I sighed. “I don't know how to.”
“Alex, you know you can tell me anything. Besides, if this is just my dream, you have to.”
I laughed. “Did you ever notice that my entire family called me Xan?” I felt stupid asking that question. Of course she had to have noticed.
“I kind of just figured that it was one of those nicknames your parents give you. I mean, at least yours was cool. My parents have called me Meggy-moose since I was 3.”
I laughed. “Well, it actually meant a lot more.” I couldn’t believe I was about to tell her the truth. “My parents named me Alexandra—partly after Alex who was listed as my father, but it meant more. Xan was the nickname my father gave me. It meant a lot to who he was…because that used to be his name.”
“Whoa…I thought his name was Max.”
“It is. It’s just Zan used to be his name, too.”
“How?”
“Well, that actually explains it all.” I knew I was hedging. “See, my Dad has had a…um…extra llife, I guess, than anyone really knows about.”
“Extra life? Alex, what are you talking about?”
“Um, my father. He’s kind of…not of this earth.” I felt like my mother trying ot explain all this to Maria that day.
Megan looked at me for a second and then started giggling. “What does that mean?”
I wished I could laugh. I would feel better if I could just laugh about this, too. But I couldn’t because the next words that came from my mouth was probably going to scare my best friend to death. Either that or she wouldn’t be my best friend again. And I knew this was just a dream and I didn’t have to let her remember it, but…her opinion still mattered. “Um, he’s an alien, and I am, too.” I couldn’t believe those words had come from my mouth. Where was the tact and gentle explanations?
“Alex, honestly! Don’t be so silly. You can tell me the truth.”
“I am.” I proceeded to spill the whole story to her before she could get a word in edgewise. I felt like I had to get it out quickly now that I’d said it at all. I sped through the story, ending with, “And I had to leave before Matt, who works for the FBI, by the way, turned me in or took my family.”
“You’re serious.” She looked pale and very confused.
“Yes.” I felt so much better just saying this to her. Of course, I hadn’t really had her reaction to it, so this could still end badly, but…
“This isn’t just a dream, is it?”
“No. This is one of the things I can do. I can dream myself into another person’s dreams. I didn’t intend to do this to you. I would never want to…intrude on your privacy, but I was thinking about the last time I knew who I was—and that was with you. I must have fallen asleep while I was thinking about it—and the next thing I knew I was talking to you.”
“Will I remember this in the morning?”
“Do you want to?” I said almost shyly. The answer to that question would just tell me so many things.
She looked around the school for a few minutes. “I want to, Alex. I really do—“
“But?”
“Can I get in trouble for knowing? Could what I know hurt you now?”
“I don’t know.” I honestly hadn’t thought about that. “I guess if Jeremy ever got desparate enough, he could come back and start questioning you to try to find me—“
Megan interrupted me and laughed her carefree Maria-esque laugh. “You know what?” She looked so happy—just like she always used to. “Screw him—and not in that happy, fun way. You are my best friend. I want to know the truth about you.”
I had never felt so much weight lift off my shoulders, off my entire body. “Thank you, Megan.” I smiled the first real smile I’d felt in ages.
“Thank you for telling me the truth,” she thought for a moment, “Xan.”
“It feels kind of weird to hear you call me that.”
“It’s weird to say, but...that’s who you are now. Because Xan doesn’t have any secrets about how she is.”
“She’s just confused about who that is.”
“No, she isn’t. She just forgot herself for a little while.”
“How do I find myself again?”
Megan hugged me. “Silly girl. You haven’t been paying attention. You are right there. You’re the same girl I’ve always known. You still like the same things. You still do the same things. The only difference is that now you can do some pretty remarkable things.” She grinned. “And someday I expect to take advantage of those skills. Just stop thinking of yourself as different, babe, and stop thinking of your old life as something separate from who you are now. You are who you are; that hasn’t changed. You know, I’m not as cool with this idea of aliens as I’m pretending here. The idea that there are other people somewhere out there…that’s not something I ever really wanted to think about. And then to find out my best friend is an alien…wow. But you’re my best friend, Xan, whether you were born on this planet or in some incubational scary pod.” She smiled. “I would know you anywhere, babe. And that’s why you’re you, no matter what you think.”
I was silent for a few moments trying to absorb everything she had said. “You’re pretty smart, Megan.”
“I know. You just need to listen to me.” She changed the subject. “Can you keep coming to me like this?”
“I can.”
“Good. You’re my best friend. I don’t want to be without you.”
“Me, either.” I hugged her. “I guess I’d better wake up. I have the feeling my mother wants to talk to me.”
“You haven’t talked to Liz about all this?” Megan looked amazed.
“I told you. I’ve been confused.”
“But still—it’s Liz, Xan. You need to talk to her.”
“I know, and I’m going to,” I said persistently. Maybe if I keep telling myself that, I would really do it.
“Good.” She hugged me again. “I love you, Xan.”
“I love you too, Meggy-moose. I’ll talk to you soon.”
I woke up out of her dreams and stared at my ceiling again. I could hear voices downstairs. It was time for me to step up and face the music.
-
Transparent Clear
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 48
- Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:58 pm
- Location: **dreams**
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AN: Finally, my internet is back... for how long, i'm not sure...but i can finally post a new part! I've been working on this in between work shifts and i hope you all enjoy. Thank you guys so much for reading and remembering this story! It makes me feel all warm and tingly during my long long days. this is the part i've been dreadign writng the most...well, almost.. but what's here just flowed so well. i love that feelign when you write!
<center>~*~Part 73~*~</center>
I walked down to the kitchen where I could hear my parents talking. At the very bottom of the stairs, I stopped and listened for a second.
“Max, I’m just so worried about her. Xan has never acted like this before.”
“Liz—“ His voice was so calm, like he wanted to try to reassure her.
“We’re never not talked about every single thing in her head and heart. It’s just not right.”
“Liz—“
“And I want to change it, I really do. I just don’t know how--and you have no idea how hard it is for me to say that. I’ve always known how to do everything right with Xan.”
“Liz—“ His tone never wavered from its support.
“I just don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable or different or like I’m trying to intrude. I can just feel that she needs to talk to someone, and I want it to be me. I’ve never been jealous of Maria’s role in her life, and I’ve never had to worry about Isabel, but suddenly I’m jealous of both of them. And I know that rationally they can’t take my role away from me, but both of them have gotten to talk to her, Max, and she won’t talk to me.” I could hear my father finally give up on talking and instead just hugged her.
I couldn’t believe that my normally calm, rational mother was saying all those things, that she felt that way.
“Liz, we’ve got to understand how Xan feels. This is a huge shock for her to have to come to terms with.”
“But—“ Her voice was still stressed, like she was trying to understand something completely foreign to her.
“And she’s going to have to work through it as best she can. We can’t force her to talk to us.”
“But—“
“She’ll come to us when she’s ready. All we can do is wait.”
“What if she’s never ready? What if she spends the rest of her life angry at what she’s forced to live through? Angry at us? At the world?”
“Liz, we have to stop thinking like this. Xan will be fine. Maybe we just need to learn some patience. I mean, we’ve had decades to understand all this. We had an extraordinary entrance into this life, into the secrets we keep. She’s had weeks in which her seemingly normal life has been shattered.”
Their voices became softer and softer, and I knew they’d moved to the living room. I sat down on the steps and tried not to feel guilty for making my parents feel so bad. I heard myself asking how could I do this? How could I selfishly think only of how I felt and not how they might feel? I tried to push that out of my mind. I was allowed to be selfish. I was allowed to be egocentric on this matter. And I knew that I needed to tell my parents the truth because I needed to start being honest with myself again.
I stood up and walked into the living room. My mom was showing my father pictures from one of the albums we’d brought with us.
“This was Xan’s first day of kindergarten.” She smiled. “I don’t know who cried more: me or Maria.”
I stepped fully into the room. “Alex.”
My mother looked up at me and smiled. “Probably.” She met my eyes for a second and an instant later, her arms were wrapped around me. “I’ve barely seen you in the past couple days. I miss you, sweetheart.” She squeezed me tightly.
I felt like I couldn’t breathe but at the same time, I didn’t want to leave the comfort or familiarity of these arms.
She pulled away and looked me in the eye. “Are you okay?”
I nodded. “I’m okay.”
She shook her head. “I think I’ll need some convincing about that.”
I could see my father’s eyes change when she said that. It was like his entire game plan was changing or something. I was confused by this look. What was he planning? Was he going to back off the leave-her-alone-to-figure-it-out attitude? Was he going to try to help me find myself?
“I know you need convincing, Mom,” I smiled. That was one of her favorite catch phrases when I was little and she’d come home from the research lab. She’d always say she needed more convincing on one subject or another. “I just don’t really know what to say—how to say—“
“Xan, you can say anything to me, you know that. And you don’t have to do anything or say anything in any special way. I mean, just talk to me.” She sounded so desperate for me to talk to her.
“Mom, I know. I do—it’s just so…hard to explain.”
“Just talk to us, Xan,” my father said. “Unless you would rather me leave. I mean, if you wouldn’t feel comfortable—“
“No, Dad, it’s okay. You should be here. I don’t want to…exclude you.”
He seemed to relax a little.
I started to sit but changed my mind and paced the floor instead. “Okay. So here’s the deal. I’m a horribly selfish, ungrateful person.”
“Xan—“
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am. Because see, I’m living this life I’ve always wanted. I’ve got my family—and I finally get to live with everyone I love. I finally get to know my father and aunt and uncle. I’m getting to learn so much about who I am—what I am.”
“But?”
“But that’s the problem. I have all these things now. But I can’t stop thinking about what I used to have, the normalcy, the friends, this inextinguishable knowledge of who I am. And I can’t stop thinking about these 2 lives: the one I used to have and the one I live now. And I hate to admit that I miss so much of what I used to have.” I couldn’t look at either of my parents. “I miss Megan. I miss all those future plans I used to have. I miss my clothes! I even miss Matt, what he was to me, I mean. I miss believing in that! But at the same time, I know this is where I belong, where I’m supposed to be. I just feel so caught in the middle…so torn…so jealous of my old life. And so unbelievably guilty for even thinking this.”
“Xan, you can’t feel guilty.”
“Yes, I can. I do. I have everything I have ever wanted—“
“Xan, how do you know this is everything you’ve ever wanted?” My mother looked me in the eye.
“Mom—“ I could feel her start to manipulate me.
“No, I think we need to discuss this.” She said firmly. “How did you know this was what you wanted?”
“I chose this.”
“Did you really? Because I don’t really remember giving you an alternative.”
I looked at her. Why was she acting like this? She knew I was the one who’d chosen to come to the ranch. “I was the one who wanted to come to the ranch more than anyone. I was the one who convinced you guys that it was okay to be together. I was the one who chose to come here for the summer.”
“For the summer,” my father said. “But now, you’re stuck here your entire life.”
I didn’t want to admit the way my heart sank at that idea. “I wanted to get away from Jeremy and the FBI, too.”
“But you didn’t know what that would entail, Xan.”
“You explained it to me! I was there when we all started planning this. I knew what would happen.” I looked at them both. I didn’t want them to take responsibility for my own pathetic nature.
“Xan, there’s a huge difference between being there for planning and understanding what will come from that planning. We, the adults, were all used to this; we all knew what would happen. We were ready to make that commitment; we’d been waiting to do it for years. You are 18 years old, and you had no idea what coming to live here would mean. You had no idea of what it could mean. You essentially—“
“Don’t say I romanticized it!”
“But isn’t that what you did? I mean, you thought it would be like the life you saw all your friends living when you were little. You thought there’d be mom and dad and your aunts and uncles. And don’t deny that that was what you always wanted when you were little; I know you too well for that,” my mother said. “But the thing is, what we want when we’re kids is not the same thing we want forever. You don’t need a father to teach you to drive or dance or take you to the park to play soccer anymore. You don’t need a mother to turn to for everything, money, friends, identity. I can’t fulfill those requirements anymore, even though I would give anything to try.” I noticed then that my mother had started to cry. “I love you, Xan, and I am so proud of you. I want to keep you with me forever, just to see all the changes I know you’ll go through. I want to watch you become the adult I know you have inside you. But at the same time, I have to learn how to let go. And if you want—“
“I never said that,” I rushed to interrupt. “I mean, Mom, please, don’t even think like that.” What was she offering? Did she think I wanted to leave like right now? “I just…I don’t know my place anymore. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I know that I’m here now, and I have no goals or dreams for it anymore. I’m in reality, maybe for the first time in my life…and I just don’t know what to do with it.”
“Xan—“
“I just want to know what to do. How can I ever trust the people I meet here to like me as me and not just as your daughter, Dad? How can I ever trust in Seth who says he loves me and that I’m his destiny? I can’t stop thinking that he’s just here because he wants to get closer to you! What am I supposed to do with my life now? What kind of career am I going to have? What if I don't like any of the men here? What if I just want to go find someone else to marry? What happens if someone sees me and recognizes me as someone the FBI wants? What happens then, Mom, Dad?” I walked away. “What happens if 20 years from now I look back on my life and realize I’ve missed out on so much? I don’t want that.” I wiped at my eyes. “I mean, that’s why I’m here, in a lot of ways. I was tired of seeing Mom look back at her life and miss you, Dad. I don't want to look back and miss all those normal things I’m supposed to have. I don't want to miss my friends and my family or my career or a husband or kids. I want it all, and I don't know how I’m going to get it!” I sat down and let the tears just fall down my face. “And I feel so guilty for even thinking like this. Because don’t I have it all already?”
My father sat down beside me and wrapped his arm around me. “No, Xan. You don’t yet. Your mother and I and Michael and Maria and Alex and Isabel, we all have it all. You’re just starting out.”
“How do I get it then?”
“Sweetheart, we can’t tell you that. But we want to help you have it, too.” My mother sat on the other side of me. “You just need to talk to us and let us help you.”
“I don’t—“
“You’re our daughter. We can’t be your entire world anymore, but we do want to have a pretty substantial role in it,” my father said.
“You just need to talk to us, Xan. We have survived so much; we can figure the rest of this out.”
I nodded and hoped my parents were right. I couldn’t do much else right now.
<center>***</center>
this is the part i've been dreadign writng the most...well, almost.. but what's here just flowed so well. i love that feelign when you write!<center>~*~Part 73~*~</center>
I walked down to the kitchen where I could hear my parents talking. At the very bottom of the stairs, I stopped and listened for a second.
“Max, I’m just so worried about her. Xan has never acted like this before.”
“Liz—“ His voice was so calm, like he wanted to try to reassure her.
“We’re never not talked about every single thing in her head and heart. It’s just not right.”
“Liz—“
“And I want to change it, I really do. I just don’t know how--and you have no idea how hard it is for me to say that. I’ve always known how to do everything right with Xan.”
“Liz—“ His tone never wavered from its support.
“I just don’t want to make her feel uncomfortable or different or like I’m trying to intrude. I can just feel that she needs to talk to someone, and I want it to be me. I’ve never been jealous of Maria’s role in her life, and I’ve never had to worry about Isabel, but suddenly I’m jealous of both of them. And I know that rationally they can’t take my role away from me, but both of them have gotten to talk to her, Max, and she won’t talk to me.” I could hear my father finally give up on talking and instead just hugged her.
I couldn’t believe that my normally calm, rational mother was saying all those things, that she felt that way.
“Liz, we’ve got to understand how Xan feels. This is a huge shock for her to have to come to terms with.”
“But—“ Her voice was still stressed, like she was trying to understand something completely foreign to her.
“And she’s going to have to work through it as best she can. We can’t force her to talk to us.”
“But—“
“She’ll come to us when she’s ready. All we can do is wait.”
“What if she’s never ready? What if she spends the rest of her life angry at what she’s forced to live through? Angry at us? At the world?”
“Liz, we have to stop thinking like this. Xan will be fine. Maybe we just need to learn some patience. I mean, we’ve had decades to understand all this. We had an extraordinary entrance into this life, into the secrets we keep. She’s had weeks in which her seemingly normal life has been shattered.”
Their voices became softer and softer, and I knew they’d moved to the living room. I sat down on the steps and tried not to feel guilty for making my parents feel so bad. I heard myself asking how could I do this? How could I selfishly think only of how I felt and not how they might feel? I tried to push that out of my mind. I was allowed to be selfish. I was allowed to be egocentric on this matter. And I knew that I needed to tell my parents the truth because I needed to start being honest with myself again.
I stood up and walked into the living room. My mom was showing my father pictures from one of the albums we’d brought with us.
“This was Xan’s first day of kindergarten.” She smiled. “I don’t know who cried more: me or Maria.”
I stepped fully into the room. “Alex.”
My mother looked up at me and smiled. “Probably.” She met my eyes for a second and an instant later, her arms were wrapped around me. “I’ve barely seen you in the past couple days. I miss you, sweetheart.” She squeezed me tightly.
I felt like I couldn’t breathe but at the same time, I didn’t want to leave the comfort or familiarity of these arms.
She pulled away and looked me in the eye. “Are you okay?”
I nodded. “I’m okay.”
She shook her head. “I think I’ll need some convincing about that.”
I could see my father’s eyes change when she said that. It was like his entire game plan was changing or something. I was confused by this look. What was he planning? Was he going to back off the leave-her-alone-to-figure-it-out attitude? Was he going to try to help me find myself?
“I know you need convincing, Mom,” I smiled. That was one of her favorite catch phrases when I was little and she’d come home from the research lab. She’d always say she needed more convincing on one subject or another. “I just don’t really know what to say—how to say—“
“Xan, you can say anything to me, you know that. And you don’t have to do anything or say anything in any special way. I mean, just talk to me.” She sounded so desperate for me to talk to her.
“Mom, I know. I do—it’s just so…hard to explain.”
“Just talk to us, Xan,” my father said. “Unless you would rather me leave. I mean, if you wouldn’t feel comfortable—“
“No, Dad, it’s okay. You should be here. I don’t want to…exclude you.”
He seemed to relax a little.
I started to sit but changed my mind and paced the floor instead. “Okay. So here’s the deal. I’m a horribly selfish, ungrateful person.”
“Xan—“
“No, you’re not.”
“Yes, I am. Because see, I’m living this life I’ve always wanted. I’ve got my family—and I finally get to live with everyone I love. I finally get to know my father and aunt and uncle. I’m getting to learn so much about who I am—what I am.”
“But?”
“But that’s the problem. I have all these things now. But I can’t stop thinking about what I used to have, the normalcy, the friends, this inextinguishable knowledge of who I am. And I can’t stop thinking about these 2 lives: the one I used to have and the one I live now. And I hate to admit that I miss so much of what I used to have.” I couldn’t look at either of my parents. “I miss Megan. I miss all those future plans I used to have. I miss my clothes! I even miss Matt, what he was to me, I mean. I miss believing in that! But at the same time, I know this is where I belong, where I’m supposed to be. I just feel so caught in the middle…so torn…so jealous of my old life. And so unbelievably guilty for even thinking this.”
“Xan, you can’t feel guilty.”
“Yes, I can. I do. I have everything I have ever wanted—“
“Xan, how do you know this is everything you’ve ever wanted?” My mother looked me in the eye.
“Mom—“ I could feel her start to manipulate me.
“No, I think we need to discuss this.” She said firmly. “How did you know this was what you wanted?”
“I chose this.”
“Did you really? Because I don’t really remember giving you an alternative.”
I looked at her. Why was she acting like this? She knew I was the one who’d chosen to come to the ranch. “I was the one who wanted to come to the ranch more than anyone. I was the one who convinced you guys that it was okay to be together. I was the one who chose to come here for the summer.”
“For the summer,” my father said. “But now, you’re stuck here your entire life.”
I didn’t want to admit the way my heart sank at that idea. “I wanted to get away from Jeremy and the FBI, too.”
“But you didn’t know what that would entail, Xan.”
“You explained it to me! I was there when we all started planning this. I knew what would happen.” I looked at them both. I didn’t want them to take responsibility for my own pathetic nature.
“Xan, there’s a huge difference between being there for planning and understanding what will come from that planning. We, the adults, were all used to this; we all knew what would happen. We were ready to make that commitment; we’d been waiting to do it for years. You are 18 years old, and you had no idea what coming to live here would mean. You had no idea of what it could mean. You essentially—“
“Don’t say I romanticized it!”
“But isn’t that what you did? I mean, you thought it would be like the life you saw all your friends living when you were little. You thought there’d be mom and dad and your aunts and uncles. And don’t deny that that was what you always wanted when you were little; I know you too well for that,” my mother said. “But the thing is, what we want when we’re kids is not the same thing we want forever. You don’t need a father to teach you to drive or dance or take you to the park to play soccer anymore. You don’t need a mother to turn to for everything, money, friends, identity. I can’t fulfill those requirements anymore, even though I would give anything to try.” I noticed then that my mother had started to cry. “I love you, Xan, and I am so proud of you. I want to keep you with me forever, just to see all the changes I know you’ll go through. I want to watch you become the adult I know you have inside you. But at the same time, I have to learn how to let go. And if you want—“
“I never said that,” I rushed to interrupt. “I mean, Mom, please, don’t even think like that.” What was she offering? Did she think I wanted to leave like right now? “I just…I don’t know my place anymore. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. I know that I’m here now, and I have no goals or dreams for it anymore. I’m in reality, maybe for the first time in my life…and I just don’t know what to do with it.”
“Xan—“
“I just want to know what to do. How can I ever trust the people I meet here to like me as me and not just as your daughter, Dad? How can I ever trust in Seth who says he loves me and that I’m his destiny? I can’t stop thinking that he’s just here because he wants to get closer to you! What am I supposed to do with my life now? What kind of career am I going to have? What if I don't like any of the men here? What if I just want to go find someone else to marry? What happens if someone sees me and recognizes me as someone the FBI wants? What happens then, Mom, Dad?” I walked away. “What happens if 20 years from now I look back on my life and realize I’ve missed out on so much? I don’t want that.” I wiped at my eyes. “I mean, that’s why I’m here, in a lot of ways. I was tired of seeing Mom look back at her life and miss you, Dad. I don't want to look back and miss all those normal things I’m supposed to have. I don't want to miss my friends and my family or my career or a husband or kids. I want it all, and I don't know how I’m going to get it!” I sat down and let the tears just fall down my face. “And I feel so guilty for even thinking like this. Because don’t I have it all already?”
My father sat down beside me and wrapped his arm around me. “No, Xan. You don’t yet. Your mother and I and Michael and Maria and Alex and Isabel, we all have it all. You’re just starting out.”
“How do I get it then?”
“Sweetheart, we can’t tell you that. But we want to help you have it, too.” My mother sat on the other side of me. “You just need to talk to us and let us help you.”
“I don’t—“
“You’re our daughter. We can’t be your entire world anymore, but we do want to have a pretty substantial role in it,” my father said.
“You just need to talk to us, Xan. We have survived so much; we can figure the rest of this out.”
I nodded and hoped my parents were right. I couldn’t do much else right now.
<center>***</center>
-
Transparent Clear
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 48
- Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:58 pm
- Location: **dreams**
- Contact:
AN: Wow. I really really suck. A Lot. I cannot believe it's been so long since I updated my baby here. I can only blame it on a whole lot of ugly work.BUT I am now 2 weeks into my new job, where I am ONLY allowed to work 37.5 hours a week, which leaves LOTS of free time for me to do other stuff, like sleep (finally!) and write again. So, my goal is to have more before the new year! Either way, thank you for bearing with me here, and i truly appreciate all of your support and feedback.
Merry Christmas!
love,
jenn
<center>~*~Part 74~*~</center>
The next morning I woke up and had breakfast with my entire family. I felt very weird. I expected them to ask questions or something, at least ask if I was okay. But they didn’t. They just acted like everything was perfect. I wasn’t sure if that reassured me or made me feel worse. I wanted everything to be normal…but I still felt different, guilty, off. Like I owed them something—to make it all normal.
Maria looked over at me as she finished buttering her toast. “So what are you going to do today, Xan?”
“I don’t know. Get my bearings around here, I guess. I mean, I hardly know my way around this house, let alone the town.”
“Good idea, sweetie,” my mom smiled. “Do you want some company?”
When Mom and I had first moved alone to California, the first thing we did was explore our new city. We’d started walking at the front door of the apartment we’d shared at the time and just walked until we couldn’t move anymore. We’d discovered the best places for coffee (before the Starbucks appeared on every corner, of course), the nicest restaurants, the best parks. And we’d made plans about how we could visit each one. Mom did research while I played in the park; she took me on dates to all the nicest restaurants in town. We needed that time again.
“I’d like that, Mom.”
“Let’s make it a girl’s day out!” Isabel exclaimed. “I can show you around to all the important things here, and we can just hang out.”
“And we can go shopping!” Maria exclaimed. “I have nothing to wear unless SpaceBoy over here does his magic.” I knew exactly what she was going to say before the words came out of her mouth. “It’s just not natural for a grown woman to have one pair of clothes.”
I laughed when I caught glimpses of both my mother and Alex mouthing those exact words. We had all been together far too long if we could accurately predict phrases from Maria.
“That sounds wonderful,” my mother said. “Good with you, Xany?”
I nodded. “Great.” These were the 3 women I trusted most in the world. I knew that I needed to talk about Seth, and they were the only ones who might understand.
I watched the way my mom met my father’s eyes. She was so happy about this. I tried not to feel more guilt for keeping her out of my head for so long. We would get back the relationship everyone was in awe of. I wouldn’t let it be any other way.
An hour later, after we’d all gotten “changed”, we piled into a Jeep and headed towards the center of town.
“It’s not so far that we really need to drive,” Isabel said, “but I think we are all going to be shopping today so we might as well have a car to take the bags home in.”
“What do you need, Isabel?” Maria asked.
“I was thinking it was time I bought my little boy something to play with when he gets here.”
“A boy!” My mother exclaimed.
“Yeah. Alex and I connected with him last night, and we just knew. It’s incredible—“
“I remember doing that with Xan. I was so amazed that I could connect with her. I thought only Max would be able to. And I just knew I was going to have the most beautiful baby girl,” my mother turned around to meet my eyes. “I never could have expected she’d grow up to look like this, of course.”
I blushed. “Did Dad connect with me, too?” I wasn’t sure if I was asking my mom or my aunt.
My mom just turned to look at Isabel. She didn’t know for sure either.
“Yeah,” Isabel nodded. “We were still running, of course. And we’d spent the night before in this dingy little hotel. I mean, it was horrible. The beds were the most uncomfortable things ever, and ugh…” She shuddered in disgust at the memory. “Michael and I went over to this little café across the street while Max was still in the shower to get breakfast. We were complaining about how miserable we felt, how our backs hurt. Max walked in with the biggest smile on his face. He stood behind us for a second and healed the pain in our backs and then sat down. He didn’t say anything until his coffee came. And then I couldn’t help but ask about the reason for his grin. I mean, what in the world was he so happy about? We were in the middle of nowhere, running from the FBI, alone, and he was happy.” She turned to look at me. “And he said, ‘It’s a girl. Liz and I are having a girl.’ I didn’t understand how he knew, but I think I just attributed it then to the power of Max and Liz’s relationship.” She reached out and squeezed my hand. “He was so in love with you, Xan. And that moment when he realized what he was running for, who he was protecting, I think it just cemented him as this leader we all needed. He wasn’t leading for himself, he wasn’t unsure of what he was doing anymore. He knew why he was doing it, and that changed everything for him. He did everything from that point on for you because even though he tried to deny it, he always dreamed that someday you would come home, to the ranch. He just wanted you to be proud of what he’d done and how he’d lived.”
I nodded. “I am.”
“He knows that.” My mom wiped at her eyes.
Isabel drove to this little store called Cherie and parked in front. “This is the best store for clothes in town in my opinion,” she explained. “I always find something in here. Of course, I might have to change my style for a while…” She laid a hand over her still flat belly. “I don’t think Alex will really mind though.”
We walked in and a pleasant woman in her mid-50s met us at the door. “Why, hello, Isabel! I just heard you were back in town. Welcome home!”
“Thank you, Dottie.” She smiled. “Let me introduce you to my family. This is Maria, Liz, and Xan.”
“Xan?” Dottie stared at me for a second. “Well, it’s a wonder no one ever guessed who your father was before. You look remarkably like him.”
I felt a little uncomfortable having people just stare at me to see my father. Was this what my life was going to be?
“Of course, looking at your mother, I’m beginning to think that the resemblance is balanced.” She smiled. “Be happy you got your mother’s ears, my dear.”
My mom laughed. “I told her that a long time ago.”
“Now can I help you find anything today?”
“I think we’re just going to look,” Isabel said. “You know I know my way around this store.”
Dottie laughed. “And I’m happy you do!”
We headed towards a section that had the most vibrant colors in the store.
“Is that what my life is going to be like from now on? People looking at me, trying to find my father?”
“Sweetie, to many of these people, you’re the link to their past,” Isabel said. “I mean, many of the older people remember everything that happened on Antar. They need to see you as a link from the past that terrified them to the present and the future.”
“But I don’t know what they want from me. I’m just Xan. I can’t be—“
“That’s all you have to be. They don't want you to do anything for them, Xan, they just want you to be here.”
“I just feel---obligated when they look at me like that.”
Isabel nodded. “I understand. I used to as well. But we aren’t here to solve anyone’s problems, except our own. And everyone here knows that.”
“So I’m just supposed to ignore when they look at me like I’m Max or Zan?”
Isabel shrugged. “It used to scare me when me people would look at me expecting to find Vilandra. I just finally told myself that I was who I was and nothing could change that. People couldn’t see in me someone who wasn’t there.”
“Do people still look for her?”
“Well, they’ve had about 18 years to realize I’m not who I was on Antar. Just give it some time, Xan, and in the mean time, don’t worry about it.”
I nodded, trying to figure out how to do that.
“Xan, come look at this,” Maria called, holding up a blue skirt.
Two hours later, we walked out of Cherie with about 4 bags each. An hour later, we left another store called Dayton with more bags, although most of them were for my mom and aunts.
“Is, isn’t there anything a bit more young?” Maria asked. “I think our girl here needs to show some style.”
I laughed. “When did I care about style?”
My mom stopped. “Don’t even say that, little miss I-need-those-pink-shoes-or-I-can’t-show-my-face-at-school?”
“What about the time you called me and begged me to go buy you something ‘slinky’ to wear to that dance?”
“I’ve seen your dreams, kid. You dream of designer labels and flashy clothes.”
I blushed. “Well, maybe I’ve turned over a new leaf.”
“Right.” My mom smiled. “What’s that store over there, Is? The one called Flash?”
“That’s a store for kids half our age,” she said looking at the black windows. “Which makes it perfect for Xan.”
We crossed the street and walked into the store.
“Can I help you?” A teenager dressed entirely in black asked without even looking up from the magazine she was reading.
“I think we can help ourselves,” Isabel said, looking down her nose at the girl. She couldn’t believe the attitude of some of these teenagers. Thank goodness Xan wasn’t like that! And she would die before her son would ever behave like that either.
The girl looked up. “Whoa, you’re like Isabel.”
She nodded, and I turned to start looking at clothes. This place had a definite taste that I could definitely like. There were all kinds of exotic cuts to the material and lengths I knew I would look incredible in.
“What do you think?” I held a short black skirt up to show my mom and aunts. “Is it too much?”
“There’s no such thing as too much, Xan,” Maria said.
“And you definitely have the looks for it,” my mom said. “I love the way you dress, sweetie, you know that.” Mom had always been truly supportive of my different fashion tastes over the years. I think she secretly loved that I was daring enough to try things she wouldn’t have when she was my age.
In 10 minutes, I had a huge pile of clothes in my hands and was heading towards the dressing room. Maria and my mom kept bringing me more.
I opened the door to the dressing room in the short black skirt and a red tank top. “What do you think?” I twirled around.
“Wow,” Isabel smiled.
“Xan, I think you look amazing. I do not know where you got those legs from,” my mom teased.
“Alien DNA,” I reminded her.
“Obviously.”
Maria looked at me for a few more seconds. “I think Seth will die when he sees you in that.”
I blushed and looked at myself in the mirror. “Why?”
“Don’t even act like that, Xan. You know Seth has the hots for you.”
I shrugged. “I don’t think Seth knows what he’s talking about.”
“What does that mean?” My mom asked.
I shut the door to the changing room to try on something different.
“Talk, Xan.”
I sighed. “I don’t know. I just think he’s very…tied to what he believes.”
“Xan, don’t talk to us like we’re someone you have to hide stuff with. Just talk to us. Tell us what’s going on.”
I pulled a white shirt over my head. “Seth thinks I’m his destiny. He had dreams about it.”
“Wow.”
“When did he tell you?” Maria asked.
“When we were rescuing Alex. He told me one day.” I conveniently left out the part about dreamwalking him. I didn’t want to try to explain it.
“How’d you react?” My mom asked. I figured she already knew the answer.
“How could I react? I don't believe in destiny. I’m proof that destinies aren’t always right.” I came out of the dressing room. “We all are.”
“Destiny kept you and Dad apart for so long, Mom. And it—“
“Sweetie, that was a different time and definitely a different situation.”
“I know—“
“But?”
“He claims to like me or love me or whatever…but how does he know that? He barely knew me when he told me that. How can he figure that he loves me when all he knows about me is what his dreams have told him? How can he really love me when he just figures it’s his destiny to?”
“Who says he only loves you because it’s his destiny to? Maybe he really does—“
“But he doesn’t even know me.”
“Then show him who you are, Xan,” my mom said.
“I’m just—“
“I know you’re scared, baby. But…it’s like Seth said that day in the car on the way to the podchamber. Destinies change.”
I was more confused now. “So you think if he gets to know me, he won’t love me?”
“No, I don’t believe anyone who knew you would not be in love with you, Xan. I just think that when he knows you, he’ll see that it’s not his destiny to do so. He’ll see that it’s his choice to love you. He’d better see what an honor it is for him to know you and love you.”
“I—“
“Xan, you know your uncle Michael was a stonewall when we were all in high school. He was so afraid that he wouldn’t live up to some expectation he didn’t even know that he couldn’t let anyone who wasn’t involved already in. It took me so long to get him to realize that I didn’t want any expectations. I just wanted him. And that was when he finally started to believe in our relationship, in the fact that I could love him.” Maria said. “You need to stop worrying about these expectations of what people are looking for in you and in what destiny might mean…and allow your life to happen. You’ll enjoy it so much more.”
I loved these women.
“Now, go change into your normal clothes. We’ll take all of this,” Isabel decided.
I laughed. Mom had always said that I’d love to shop with Isabel.
We walked out of the shop with another armful of bags. We went back to the Jeep to put them in and head on to our next destination wherever that might be.
“Xan?”
I turned around already knowing it was Seth. “Hi, Seth.”
“What are you doing?”
“Hello, Seth,” Isabel said loudly. “What are you doing in town today?”
“Just running some errands, hanging out. How are you?”
“We’re wonderful,” Isabel said again. “Just giving Liz, Maria, and Xan the tour of town.”
He smiled, keeping his eyes on me. “Have you been to Diablo’s yet?”
“No, we haven’t made it that far,” Isabel said. She looked at my mom and aunt. “And actually, we are getting kind of tired.”
I turned to them. I knew they were all plotting with that silent communication thing they’d all mastered. “Are we going home?”
“Sweetie,” my mom said, “there’s no need for your fun to be ruined by us old women. We’ll go home alone. Seth, I’m sure you can help her find her way back, right?”
I could have killed my mother. She was soooo…nosy! No, that wasn’t the right word. Manipulative. My mother was manipulative.
“I’d be happy to, Liz,” Seth smiled. “If you want to, Xan, I can introduce you to a lot of people around our age.”
“She’d love it!” Maria said quickly.
I glared at her. “Thanks, Seth. That would be great.” I couldn’t believe I’d managed to sound so calm.
My mom, Maria, and Isabel climbed into the Jeep. “We’ll see you later, sweetie!” Isabel drove away.
Seth and I were standing on the sidewalk just kind of looking at each other.
“Well, um, Diablo’s is down this way,” he turned. “Do you mind walking?”
“Not at all,” I smiled.
“Great.” He took my hand in his and started walking.
I stared at our fingers for a second…and then focused on walking.
<center>***</center>
Merry Christmas!
love,
jenn
<center>~*~Part 74~*~</center>
The next morning I woke up and had breakfast with my entire family. I felt very weird. I expected them to ask questions or something, at least ask if I was okay. But they didn’t. They just acted like everything was perfect. I wasn’t sure if that reassured me or made me feel worse. I wanted everything to be normal…but I still felt different, guilty, off. Like I owed them something—to make it all normal.
Maria looked over at me as she finished buttering her toast. “So what are you going to do today, Xan?”
“I don’t know. Get my bearings around here, I guess. I mean, I hardly know my way around this house, let alone the town.”
“Good idea, sweetie,” my mom smiled. “Do you want some company?”
When Mom and I had first moved alone to California, the first thing we did was explore our new city. We’d started walking at the front door of the apartment we’d shared at the time and just walked until we couldn’t move anymore. We’d discovered the best places for coffee (before the Starbucks appeared on every corner, of course), the nicest restaurants, the best parks. And we’d made plans about how we could visit each one. Mom did research while I played in the park; she took me on dates to all the nicest restaurants in town. We needed that time again.
“I’d like that, Mom.”
“Let’s make it a girl’s day out!” Isabel exclaimed. “I can show you around to all the important things here, and we can just hang out.”
“And we can go shopping!” Maria exclaimed. “I have nothing to wear unless SpaceBoy over here does his magic.” I knew exactly what she was going to say before the words came out of her mouth. “It’s just not natural for a grown woman to have one pair of clothes.”
I laughed when I caught glimpses of both my mother and Alex mouthing those exact words. We had all been together far too long if we could accurately predict phrases from Maria.
“That sounds wonderful,” my mother said. “Good with you, Xany?”
I nodded. “Great.” These were the 3 women I trusted most in the world. I knew that I needed to talk about Seth, and they were the only ones who might understand.
I watched the way my mom met my father’s eyes. She was so happy about this. I tried not to feel more guilt for keeping her out of my head for so long. We would get back the relationship everyone was in awe of. I wouldn’t let it be any other way.
An hour later, after we’d all gotten “changed”, we piled into a Jeep and headed towards the center of town.
“It’s not so far that we really need to drive,” Isabel said, “but I think we are all going to be shopping today so we might as well have a car to take the bags home in.”
“What do you need, Isabel?” Maria asked.
“I was thinking it was time I bought my little boy something to play with when he gets here.”
“A boy!” My mother exclaimed.
“Yeah. Alex and I connected with him last night, and we just knew. It’s incredible—“
“I remember doing that with Xan. I was so amazed that I could connect with her. I thought only Max would be able to. And I just knew I was going to have the most beautiful baby girl,” my mother turned around to meet my eyes. “I never could have expected she’d grow up to look like this, of course.”
I blushed. “Did Dad connect with me, too?” I wasn’t sure if I was asking my mom or my aunt.
My mom just turned to look at Isabel. She didn’t know for sure either.
“Yeah,” Isabel nodded. “We were still running, of course. And we’d spent the night before in this dingy little hotel. I mean, it was horrible. The beds were the most uncomfortable things ever, and ugh…” She shuddered in disgust at the memory. “Michael and I went over to this little café across the street while Max was still in the shower to get breakfast. We were complaining about how miserable we felt, how our backs hurt. Max walked in with the biggest smile on his face. He stood behind us for a second and healed the pain in our backs and then sat down. He didn’t say anything until his coffee came. And then I couldn’t help but ask about the reason for his grin. I mean, what in the world was he so happy about? We were in the middle of nowhere, running from the FBI, alone, and he was happy.” She turned to look at me. “And he said, ‘It’s a girl. Liz and I are having a girl.’ I didn’t understand how he knew, but I think I just attributed it then to the power of Max and Liz’s relationship.” She reached out and squeezed my hand. “He was so in love with you, Xan. And that moment when he realized what he was running for, who he was protecting, I think it just cemented him as this leader we all needed. He wasn’t leading for himself, he wasn’t unsure of what he was doing anymore. He knew why he was doing it, and that changed everything for him. He did everything from that point on for you because even though he tried to deny it, he always dreamed that someday you would come home, to the ranch. He just wanted you to be proud of what he’d done and how he’d lived.”
I nodded. “I am.”
“He knows that.” My mom wiped at her eyes.
Isabel drove to this little store called Cherie and parked in front. “This is the best store for clothes in town in my opinion,” she explained. “I always find something in here. Of course, I might have to change my style for a while…” She laid a hand over her still flat belly. “I don’t think Alex will really mind though.”
We walked in and a pleasant woman in her mid-50s met us at the door. “Why, hello, Isabel! I just heard you were back in town. Welcome home!”
“Thank you, Dottie.” She smiled. “Let me introduce you to my family. This is Maria, Liz, and Xan.”
“Xan?” Dottie stared at me for a second. “Well, it’s a wonder no one ever guessed who your father was before. You look remarkably like him.”
I felt a little uncomfortable having people just stare at me to see my father. Was this what my life was going to be?
“Of course, looking at your mother, I’m beginning to think that the resemblance is balanced.” She smiled. “Be happy you got your mother’s ears, my dear.”
My mom laughed. “I told her that a long time ago.”
“Now can I help you find anything today?”
“I think we’re just going to look,” Isabel said. “You know I know my way around this store.”
Dottie laughed. “And I’m happy you do!”
We headed towards a section that had the most vibrant colors in the store.
“Is that what my life is going to be like from now on? People looking at me, trying to find my father?”
“Sweetie, to many of these people, you’re the link to their past,” Isabel said. “I mean, many of the older people remember everything that happened on Antar. They need to see you as a link from the past that terrified them to the present and the future.”
“But I don’t know what they want from me. I’m just Xan. I can’t be—“
“That’s all you have to be. They don't want you to do anything for them, Xan, they just want you to be here.”
“I just feel---obligated when they look at me like that.”
Isabel nodded. “I understand. I used to as well. But we aren’t here to solve anyone’s problems, except our own. And everyone here knows that.”
“So I’m just supposed to ignore when they look at me like I’m Max or Zan?”
Isabel shrugged. “It used to scare me when me people would look at me expecting to find Vilandra. I just finally told myself that I was who I was and nothing could change that. People couldn’t see in me someone who wasn’t there.”
“Do people still look for her?”
“Well, they’ve had about 18 years to realize I’m not who I was on Antar. Just give it some time, Xan, and in the mean time, don’t worry about it.”
I nodded, trying to figure out how to do that.
“Xan, come look at this,” Maria called, holding up a blue skirt.
Two hours later, we walked out of Cherie with about 4 bags each. An hour later, we left another store called Dayton with more bags, although most of them were for my mom and aunts.
“Is, isn’t there anything a bit more young?” Maria asked. “I think our girl here needs to show some style.”
I laughed. “When did I care about style?”
My mom stopped. “Don’t even say that, little miss I-need-those-pink-shoes-or-I-can’t-show-my-face-at-school?”
“What about the time you called me and begged me to go buy you something ‘slinky’ to wear to that dance?”
“I’ve seen your dreams, kid. You dream of designer labels and flashy clothes.”
I blushed. “Well, maybe I’ve turned over a new leaf.”
“Right.” My mom smiled. “What’s that store over there, Is? The one called Flash?”
“That’s a store for kids half our age,” she said looking at the black windows. “Which makes it perfect for Xan.”
We crossed the street and walked into the store.
“Can I help you?” A teenager dressed entirely in black asked without even looking up from the magazine she was reading.
“I think we can help ourselves,” Isabel said, looking down her nose at the girl. She couldn’t believe the attitude of some of these teenagers. Thank goodness Xan wasn’t like that! And she would die before her son would ever behave like that either.
The girl looked up. “Whoa, you’re like Isabel.”
She nodded, and I turned to start looking at clothes. This place had a definite taste that I could definitely like. There were all kinds of exotic cuts to the material and lengths I knew I would look incredible in.
“What do you think?” I held a short black skirt up to show my mom and aunts. “Is it too much?”
“There’s no such thing as too much, Xan,” Maria said.
“And you definitely have the looks for it,” my mom said. “I love the way you dress, sweetie, you know that.” Mom had always been truly supportive of my different fashion tastes over the years. I think she secretly loved that I was daring enough to try things she wouldn’t have when she was my age.
In 10 minutes, I had a huge pile of clothes in my hands and was heading towards the dressing room. Maria and my mom kept bringing me more.
I opened the door to the dressing room in the short black skirt and a red tank top. “What do you think?” I twirled around.
“Wow,” Isabel smiled.
“Xan, I think you look amazing. I do not know where you got those legs from,” my mom teased.
“Alien DNA,” I reminded her.
“Obviously.”
Maria looked at me for a few more seconds. “I think Seth will die when he sees you in that.”
I blushed and looked at myself in the mirror. “Why?”
“Don’t even act like that, Xan. You know Seth has the hots for you.”
I shrugged. “I don’t think Seth knows what he’s talking about.”
“What does that mean?” My mom asked.
I shut the door to the changing room to try on something different.
“Talk, Xan.”
I sighed. “I don’t know. I just think he’s very…tied to what he believes.”
“Xan, don’t talk to us like we’re someone you have to hide stuff with. Just talk to us. Tell us what’s going on.”
I pulled a white shirt over my head. “Seth thinks I’m his destiny. He had dreams about it.”
“Wow.”
“When did he tell you?” Maria asked.
“When we were rescuing Alex. He told me one day.” I conveniently left out the part about dreamwalking him. I didn’t want to try to explain it.
“How’d you react?” My mom asked. I figured she already knew the answer.
“How could I react? I don't believe in destiny. I’m proof that destinies aren’t always right.” I came out of the dressing room. “We all are.”
“Destiny kept you and Dad apart for so long, Mom. And it—“
“Sweetie, that was a different time and definitely a different situation.”
“I know—“
“But?”
“He claims to like me or love me or whatever…but how does he know that? He barely knew me when he told me that. How can he figure that he loves me when all he knows about me is what his dreams have told him? How can he really love me when he just figures it’s his destiny to?”
“Who says he only loves you because it’s his destiny to? Maybe he really does—“
“But he doesn’t even know me.”
“Then show him who you are, Xan,” my mom said.
“I’m just—“
“I know you’re scared, baby. But…it’s like Seth said that day in the car on the way to the podchamber. Destinies change.”
I was more confused now. “So you think if he gets to know me, he won’t love me?”
“No, I don’t believe anyone who knew you would not be in love with you, Xan. I just think that when he knows you, he’ll see that it’s not his destiny to do so. He’ll see that it’s his choice to love you. He’d better see what an honor it is for him to know you and love you.”
“I—“
“Xan, you know your uncle Michael was a stonewall when we were all in high school. He was so afraid that he wouldn’t live up to some expectation he didn’t even know that he couldn’t let anyone who wasn’t involved already in. It took me so long to get him to realize that I didn’t want any expectations. I just wanted him. And that was when he finally started to believe in our relationship, in the fact that I could love him.” Maria said. “You need to stop worrying about these expectations of what people are looking for in you and in what destiny might mean…and allow your life to happen. You’ll enjoy it so much more.”
I loved these women.
“Now, go change into your normal clothes. We’ll take all of this,” Isabel decided.
I laughed. Mom had always said that I’d love to shop with Isabel.
We walked out of the shop with another armful of bags. We went back to the Jeep to put them in and head on to our next destination wherever that might be.
“Xan?”
I turned around already knowing it was Seth. “Hi, Seth.”
“What are you doing?”
“Hello, Seth,” Isabel said loudly. “What are you doing in town today?”
“Just running some errands, hanging out. How are you?”
“We’re wonderful,” Isabel said again. “Just giving Liz, Maria, and Xan the tour of town.”
He smiled, keeping his eyes on me. “Have you been to Diablo’s yet?”
“No, we haven’t made it that far,” Isabel said. She looked at my mom and aunt. “And actually, we are getting kind of tired.”
I turned to them. I knew they were all plotting with that silent communication thing they’d all mastered. “Are we going home?”
“Sweetie,” my mom said, “there’s no need for your fun to be ruined by us old women. We’ll go home alone. Seth, I’m sure you can help her find her way back, right?”
I could have killed my mother. She was soooo…nosy! No, that wasn’t the right word. Manipulative. My mother was manipulative.
“I’d be happy to, Liz,” Seth smiled. “If you want to, Xan, I can introduce you to a lot of people around our age.”
“She’d love it!” Maria said quickly.
I glared at her. “Thanks, Seth. That would be great.” I couldn’t believe I’d managed to sound so calm.
My mom, Maria, and Isabel climbed into the Jeep. “We’ll see you later, sweetie!” Isabel drove away.
Seth and I were standing on the sidewalk just kind of looking at each other.
“Well, um, Diablo’s is down this way,” he turned. “Do you mind walking?”
“Not at all,” I smiled.
“Great.” He took my hand in his and started walking.
I stared at our fingers for a second…and then focused on walking.
<center>***</center>
-
Transparent Clear
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 48
- Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:58 pm
- Location: **dreams**
- Contact:
AN: First of all, I'm sorry for this taking so long, but i am extremely honored and thankful that you have remembered this story for so long and that you still care about my little character there. i hope to be able to write more soon. (i'm not sure if i were you that i'd believe me though. )
thanks!
Jennifer
<center>~*~Part 75~*~</center>
I didn’t know what to do or say. Being alone with Seth was not something I had anticipated today. I’d expected a nice, leisurely day of relaxation and shopping with my family. But then they had to turn into manipulative relationship-mongers! I tried to focus my eyes on the shop windows we were passing or on the cars in the street…anything but the one
“So how’ve you been, Xan?” Seth asked casually.
“Okay.” I felt like I was 5 years old again and my mom or Maria was dragging me to another play group so I’d be exposed to new people. I only wondered that at this age, how did you determine who had the best toys? In this group, would it be who had the best powers? “You?”
“Good. Mom’s had me running around all week doing chores; I think she’s just trying to keep me busy.”
I smiled. “Yeah, moms are good at that.”
He was quiet for a moment and then he said, “So I heard you were kind of hiding from the world for a few days there.”
I stopped walking and pulled my hand away from his. “What? Where did you hear that?”
“Xan, the ranch is a really small community.”
“So everyone is going to be in my business from now on?” I could not believe he’d had the gall to ask me that! It was like my privacy was gone!
“Xan, it’s not like that!”
“Well what is it like? Because you know all about my life apparently, and I know you haven’t talked to me about it.” I might have been overreacting but I couldn’t help myself. “Does everyone know? Do these people you’re going to introduce me to know? Isn’t it enough that they all know me as my father’s daughter? Now they’ll know me as Max’s moody, emotional, ungrateful daughter! God!” I turned around and started walking back towards my house. There was no way I was going to meet a bunch of people who had undoubtedly already made assumptions about me based on the gossip that spread around this town.
“Xan, wait!” He chased after me. He grabbed my arm, spinning me towards him. “Just listen to me, please!”
“Seth, I just want to go home.” I was suddenly hit with the curious sensation of not knowing where that was anymore. I shoved that feeling aside.
“I didn’t want to do this, Xan. I don’t want to make you feel more uncomfortable than I know you already are. But damn it, you need to listen to me. You don't want to go home! You just want to run away.”
I could not believe he’d just said that. “Run away?” I was not in the mood to just sit there and take it. I felt like my old self. “Run away? From what? Everything and everyone I know? My life? My future.”
“Xan—“
“Because I’ve already done that, Seth.” I pulled my arm away. I didn’t want him to see me cry. I refused to have a breakdown here, in front of him and the rest of the world. I started walking again.
“Xan,” he nearly had to jog to keep up with me. “Just listen. No one else knows. I only know because I kept coming to your house to see you, and you were never there—or out of your room.” He walked backwards to look me in the eye. “And no, your family didn’t tell me. I guessed what was going on.”
“And what exactly do you think was going on?”
He turned serious. “I—uh…I imagine you were trying to assimilate everything that had been happening to you.”
I laughed at his choice of words. Maybe he should spend some more time with Alex. “You make me sound like a computer.”
“You know what I mean, Xan. You needed time to process all of this.”
“Do you think I’ve had enough time to do that?”
“I don't know. Have you?”
I didn’t know the answer to that.
“Come on, Xan. Just meet my friends. Yes, they know you as Max’s daughter, but I know they will accept you for who you are.”
I wanted to ask how he know who I was, but I held my tongue. I just didn’t feel like arguing anymore. I was too tired.
“And if you ever feel uncomfortable, just squeeze my arm and I’ll make up an excuse. I promise.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
<center>***</center>
Looking back on my afternoon later that night, I realized I should have gone by my first instinct and returned home instead of meeting the other kids my age. I have never felt so awkward and clumsy as I did during the 2 hours I spent with them. It was like I couldn’t do anything right.
I’d open my mouth to say something, and out would come words and phrases I’d use with Meghan or my other friends, and they would look at me like I was weird. Or I’d do something and they’d stare at me. I didn’t use my powers to do something, and they looked at me like I was a freak. I used them for something, and they looked at me like I was lazy. I felt like I was being checked out by both the boys and girls and for many reasons, I wasn’t meeting expectations. Maybe I didn’t look enough like my father or sound enough like him or know what he knew.
All I knew was that I just did not fit in.
Seth tried to smooth it over saying how much he was sure his friends liked me. I knew he was just trying to make me feel better though. I mean, honestly, I didn’t like them. They were all so…cynical. They were so lucky and they didn’t even realize it. Instead, they complained about all the little things they should have been enjoying. They griped about things I wished had happened to me. And they took advantage of their abilities to avoid doing things. And I didn’t just mean that in terms of molecularly changing cokes into sprites. They’d never experienced all the things that I had in order to write the perfect paper or make the perfect meal. I loved those experiences, and I may have been closed-minded, but I didn’t know how to relate to people who had never done that.
“How was hanging out with the other kids?” My mother came into my room and sat on my bed next to me. I was laying on my back, staring up at the stars on my ceiling.
“Ugh.”
“What does that mean?”
“That means that I do not belong around them.”
“Whoa, Xan, you can’t make that decision after meeting them for 2 hours.”
“Yes, I can.” I looked at her. “Mom, in all my life, I have never felt different. I mean, even after finding out the truth about me, I felt special, but never like there was nothing that bound me to the other people around me. Sitting there today with people who I should have had a bond with these people if only because of powers or alienness, I felt so… separate from them.”
“Xan, you’d just met them. You have to let a relationship build.”
“Mom, I don't want a relationship with them.” I couldn’t believe I’d said that. I had never said that about anyone in the world. Growing up, I’d always been the most inclusive child. And now, here I was, pretty much admitting that I didn’t see a point in even working to understand people. I suddenly felt jaded. And I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to grow up to be cynical and like the other kids I’d met on the ranch.
“You can’t just cut all these people from your life, Xan. You don’t have to be alone for the rest of your life.”
I shrugged and returned to staring at the ceiling.
“I know it’s going to be tough, Xan, but you aren’t a loner. You never could be. I mean, you were constantly around 3 parents who were obsessed with you. You need that interaction with other people to feel normal. I don’t want you to cut yourself off from who you are because you don’t like what you see around you.” She reached out and ran her hand over my hair. “I love you, sweetheart.” She stood up and left my room.
I continued staring up at the ceiling. I remembered hearing when I was changing from middle school into high school that you sometimes lost friends because you had to decide what was important to you. Well, maybe this was my transition into college or adulthood? Maybe I had to decide what was important to me now, in terms of goals and values and mores. Maybe I needed to make some decisions for myself.
<center>***</center>
i hope to be able to write more soon. (i'm not sure if i were you that i'd believe me though. ) thanks!
Jennifer
<center>~*~Part 75~*~</center>
I didn’t know what to do or say. Being alone with Seth was not something I had anticipated today. I’d expected a nice, leisurely day of relaxation and shopping with my family. But then they had to turn into manipulative relationship-mongers! I tried to focus my eyes on the shop windows we were passing or on the cars in the street…anything but the one
“So how’ve you been, Xan?” Seth asked casually.
“Okay.” I felt like I was 5 years old again and my mom or Maria was dragging me to another play group so I’d be exposed to new people. I only wondered that at this age, how did you determine who had the best toys? In this group, would it be who had the best powers? “You?”
“Good. Mom’s had me running around all week doing chores; I think she’s just trying to keep me busy.”
I smiled. “Yeah, moms are good at that.”
He was quiet for a moment and then he said, “So I heard you were kind of hiding from the world for a few days there.”
I stopped walking and pulled my hand away from his. “What? Where did you hear that?”
“Xan, the ranch is a really small community.”
“So everyone is going to be in my business from now on?” I could not believe he’d had the gall to ask me that! It was like my privacy was gone!
“Xan, it’s not like that!”
“Well what is it like? Because you know all about my life apparently, and I know you haven’t talked to me about it.” I might have been overreacting but I couldn’t help myself. “Does everyone know? Do these people you’re going to introduce me to know? Isn’t it enough that they all know me as my father’s daughter? Now they’ll know me as Max’s moody, emotional, ungrateful daughter! God!” I turned around and started walking back towards my house. There was no way I was going to meet a bunch of people who had undoubtedly already made assumptions about me based on the gossip that spread around this town.
“Xan, wait!” He chased after me. He grabbed my arm, spinning me towards him. “Just listen to me, please!”
“Seth, I just want to go home.” I was suddenly hit with the curious sensation of not knowing where that was anymore. I shoved that feeling aside.
“I didn’t want to do this, Xan. I don’t want to make you feel more uncomfortable than I know you already are. But damn it, you need to listen to me. You don't want to go home! You just want to run away.”
I could not believe he’d just said that. “Run away?” I was not in the mood to just sit there and take it. I felt like my old self. “Run away? From what? Everything and everyone I know? My life? My future.”
“Xan—“
“Because I’ve already done that, Seth.” I pulled my arm away. I didn’t want him to see me cry. I refused to have a breakdown here, in front of him and the rest of the world. I started walking again.
“Xan,” he nearly had to jog to keep up with me. “Just listen. No one else knows. I only know because I kept coming to your house to see you, and you were never there—or out of your room.” He walked backwards to look me in the eye. “And no, your family didn’t tell me. I guessed what was going on.”
“And what exactly do you think was going on?”
He turned serious. “I—uh…I imagine you were trying to assimilate everything that had been happening to you.”
I laughed at his choice of words. Maybe he should spend some more time with Alex. “You make me sound like a computer.”
“You know what I mean, Xan. You needed time to process all of this.”
“Do you think I’ve had enough time to do that?”
“I don't know. Have you?”
I didn’t know the answer to that.
“Come on, Xan. Just meet my friends. Yes, they know you as Max’s daughter, but I know they will accept you for who you are.”
I wanted to ask how he know who I was, but I held my tongue. I just didn’t feel like arguing anymore. I was too tired.
“And if you ever feel uncomfortable, just squeeze my arm and I’ll make up an excuse. I promise.”
I nodded. “Okay.”
<center>***</center>
Looking back on my afternoon later that night, I realized I should have gone by my first instinct and returned home instead of meeting the other kids my age. I have never felt so awkward and clumsy as I did during the 2 hours I spent with them. It was like I couldn’t do anything right.
I’d open my mouth to say something, and out would come words and phrases I’d use with Meghan or my other friends, and they would look at me like I was weird. Or I’d do something and they’d stare at me. I didn’t use my powers to do something, and they looked at me like I was a freak. I used them for something, and they looked at me like I was lazy. I felt like I was being checked out by both the boys and girls and for many reasons, I wasn’t meeting expectations. Maybe I didn’t look enough like my father or sound enough like him or know what he knew.
All I knew was that I just did not fit in.
Seth tried to smooth it over saying how much he was sure his friends liked me. I knew he was just trying to make me feel better though. I mean, honestly, I didn’t like them. They were all so…cynical. They were so lucky and they didn’t even realize it. Instead, they complained about all the little things they should have been enjoying. They griped about things I wished had happened to me. And they took advantage of their abilities to avoid doing things. And I didn’t just mean that in terms of molecularly changing cokes into sprites. They’d never experienced all the things that I had in order to write the perfect paper or make the perfect meal. I loved those experiences, and I may have been closed-minded, but I didn’t know how to relate to people who had never done that.
“How was hanging out with the other kids?” My mother came into my room and sat on my bed next to me. I was laying on my back, staring up at the stars on my ceiling.
“Ugh.”
“What does that mean?”
“That means that I do not belong around them.”
“Whoa, Xan, you can’t make that decision after meeting them for 2 hours.”
“Yes, I can.” I looked at her. “Mom, in all my life, I have never felt different. I mean, even after finding out the truth about me, I felt special, but never like there was nothing that bound me to the other people around me. Sitting there today with people who I should have had a bond with these people if only because of powers or alienness, I felt so… separate from them.”
“Xan, you’d just met them. You have to let a relationship build.”
“Mom, I don't want a relationship with them.” I couldn’t believe I’d said that. I had never said that about anyone in the world. Growing up, I’d always been the most inclusive child. And now, here I was, pretty much admitting that I didn’t see a point in even working to understand people. I suddenly felt jaded. And I didn’t want that. I didn’t want to grow up to be cynical and like the other kids I’d met on the ranch.
“You can’t just cut all these people from your life, Xan. You don’t have to be alone for the rest of your life.”
I shrugged and returned to staring at the ceiling.
“I know it’s going to be tough, Xan, but you aren’t a loner. You never could be. I mean, you were constantly around 3 parents who were obsessed with you. You need that interaction with other people to feel normal. I don’t want you to cut yourself off from who you are because you don’t like what you see around you.” She reached out and ran her hand over my hair. “I love you, sweetheart.” She stood up and left my room.
I continued staring up at the ceiling. I remembered hearing when I was changing from middle school into high school that you sometimes lost friends because you had to decide what was important to you. Well, maybe this was my transition into college or adulthood? Maybe I had to decide what was important to me now, in terms of goals and values and mores. Maybe I needed to make some decisions for myself.
<center>***</center>
-
Transparent Clear
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 48
- Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:58 pm
- Location: **dreams**
- Contact:
AN: I'm so sorry this short little part has taken so long. i feel like i might have finally found a place where this story is making sense again and hopefully, there will be more soon! thanks for sticking around and reading! i appreciate your bumps, messages, and encouragement more than you could know.
<center>~*~Part 76~*~</center>
I fell asleep that night after vowing to have meaningless, visitorless dreams. Miraculously, given the number of aliens I was living around, I did. I woke up feeling refreshed and like I could face anything. It was time for me to start making decisions. I’d been spending so much of my time lately feeling completely lost—alone---out of control---like a victim. I was taught all of my life that it was better to be in control—to make what I wanted out of what I was dealt—to never accept that someone else may be making decisions for me. That was a lesson my Mom, Maria, and Alex had all done their best to teach me. Finding out the truth about myself and what my family had gone through should have only confirmed all that.
Instead, I had been sitting around, wallowing in thoughts and expectations and fears and paranoia that didn’t really mean anything to me. What the hell was wrong with me? When had I become…Tess? When had I started letting some so-called destiny or role or idea rule my life to the exclusion of my own wants and needs? When had I lost faith in myself, in my ability to know what was right for me, in my own thinking, in my heart?
Today was the start of the new attitude I would find in myself again. No more hiding, pretending or biting my tongue to someone’s supposed knowledge or understanding. No more accepting limitations or precepts or anything I wasn’t in control of. No more trying to be someone I was not. I was going back to the Alexandra Maria Isabella Parker Evans I’d always been—or I was going to die trying.
I took a long, rejuvenating shower and changed into some comfortable clothes. I walked down to breakfast wearing jeans and a red tank top. I’d pulled my long hair up in a ponytail and used my powers to put a few golden streaks in it. I had created some jewelry and around my neck was a nameplate necklace like one my mom had owned when I was little. XAN was spelled out in platinum against my neck. I felt beautiful.
I grabbed an apple juice out of the fridge. “Good morning, all!”
“Morning, Xan,” Alex said.
“You seem happy this morning, sweetie,” my grandmother handed me a plate of eggs. “You’ll have to put your own Tabasco on there, of course.”
I smiled. “Thank you, and I am happy.”
“What brought on this mood swing?” My mother teased.
“Honestly, I think I finally took my head out from under the pillow. I’ve been behaving like such a moody, immature child lately. And that’s not who I am. You all know that.” I added several dashes of Tabasco to my eggs and then reached for the ketchup. “I think I just forgot myself for a while, and I refuse to do that again.”
My mom smiled. “Now that sounds like my girl.”
“Mine, too.” Alex said.
“So what are you going to do now that you remember yourself, Xan?”
“I’m not sure. I need to figure out what I want to do. I keep acting like I had to give up my dreams to be with my family. And I refuse to believe that. I just have to figure out how I’m going to accomplish those dreams now.”
My mom smiled.
“You can say I told you so.”
She laughed. “I’ve never had to say that to you, Xan. You always figure it out eventually.”
<center>***</center>
thanks for sticking around and reading! i appreciate your bumps, messages, and encouragement more than you could know.<center>~*~Part 76~*~</center>
I fell asleep that night after vowing to have meaningless, visitorless dreams. Miraculously, given the number of aliens I was living around, I did. I woke up feeling refreshed and like I could face anything. It was time for me to start making decisions. I’d been spending so much of my time lately feeling completely lost—alone---out of control---like a victim. I was taught all of my life that it was better to be in control—to make what I wanted out of what I was dealt—to never accept that someone else may be making decisions for me. That was a lesson my Mom, Maria, and Alex had all done their best to teach me. Finding out the truth about myself and what my family had gone through should have only confirmed all that.
Instead, I had been sitting around, wallowing in thoughts and expectations and fears and paranoia that didn’t really mean anything to me. What the hell was wrong with me? When had I become…Tess? When had I started letting some so-called destiny or role or idea rule my life to the exclusion of my own wants and needs? When had I lost faith in myself, in my ability to know what was right for me, in my own thinking, in my heart?
Today was the start of the new attitude I would find in myself again. No more hiding, pretending or biting my tongue to someone’s supposed knowledge or understanding. No more accepting limitations or precepts or anything I wasn’t in control of. No more trying to be someone I was not. I was going back to the Alexandra Maria Isabella Parker Evans I’d always been—or I was going to die trying.
I took a long, rejuvenating shower and changed into some comfortable clothes. I walked down to breakfast wearing jeans and a red tank top. I’d pulled my long hair up in a ponytail and used my powers to put a few golden streaks in it. I had created some jewelry and around my neck was a nameplate necklace like one my mom had owned when I was little. XAN was spelled out in platinum against my neck. I felt beautiful.
I grabbed an apple juice out of the fridge. “Good morning, all!”
“Morning, Xan,” Alex said.
“You seem happy this morning, sweetie,” my grandmother handed me a plate of eggs. “You’ll have to put your own Tabasco on there, of course.”
I smiled. “Thank you, and I am happy.”
“What brought on this mood swing?” My mother teased.
“Honestly, I think I finally took my head out from under the pillow. I’ve been behaving like such a moody, immature child lately. And that’s not who I am. You all know that.” I added several dashes of Tabasco to my eggs and then reached for the ketchup. “I think I just forgot myself for a while, and I refuse to do that again.”
My mom smiled. “Now that sounds like my girl.”
“Mine, too.” Alex said.
“So what are you going to do now that you remember yourself, Xan?”
“I’m not sure. I need to figure out what I want to do. I keep acting like I had to give up my dreams to be with my family. And I refuse to believe that. I just have to figure out how I’m going to accomplish those dreams now.”
My mom smiled.
“You can say I told you so.”
She laughed. “I’ve never had to say that to you, Xan. You always figure it out eventually.”
<center>***</center>
-
Transparent Clear
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 48
- Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:58 pm
- Location: **dreams**
- Contact:
AN: This just completely flowed...and i'm not sure that it really fits with the rest of the story, but so be it.
Thanks for reading!
<center>~*~Part 77~*~</center>
After breakfast, I decided I needed to have a talk with my father. But I hadn’t seen him all day so I went to the one source who always knew where my father was.
“Mom, where’s Dad?”
“I think he’s at some business meeting with someone. He said he’d be back before lunch.” My mother was busy going through the pictures we’d brought with us. “Why do you need him?”
“I just want to talk to him. I figure I ought to do something with my new take charge of my life attitude.” I sat down on the floor in front of the table she was sorting the pictures on. I picked one up. It was my 4th birthday party. Everything was Barbie that year. “Mom, what are you going to do?”
“About what?”
“Well, now that we’re here. What are you going to do? Do you still want to be a doctor—“
She smiled. “I hardly think that profession is really needed on a ranch where aliens can heal you, Xan.”
“So what are you going to do instead?”
“Well, right now I’m pretty happy just to spend time with my family.”
“And when that wears off?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead.” She looked at a picture of me on my first day of school and showed it to me after a second. “It’s kind of like this experience all over again, isn’t it? I mean, there are so many new possibilities for us here. Maybe I can learn how to cook. Maybe I’ll stay home and be the housewife I’ve always wanted to be. Maybe I’ll learn how to be a rancher. There are so many things we can do, sweetie.”
“Can you really be happy just giving up medicine?” I knew how important that was to her. I had watched her work so hard to be the best, and now she was willing to give it all up? To never go into a lab again? To never find the cure she had been searching for?
My mom was silent for a moment. “Yes.” She looked at me to explain. “I know how insane this all must sound. I mean, for the first 18 years of your life, I was always working, always at the hospital. And I found so much purpose there, Xan. I needed that job as a way to think I was making a difference to the world. But now…I don’t need it. My drive to make a difference is fading. The only difference that matters now is that for the first time, I’m free to have exactly what I want. My husband and my daughter and our family together.” She paused. “When I was little, my parents both worked where they raised me. I had them with me all the time, and that was wonderful. But as I grew up, I started thinking that staying at home and raising a family was…selling yourself short. It was an opinion with a lot of my generation, sweetie. And so I became a doctor and found purpose in my work. And I raised you as well as I could. And I never admitted it to anyone, but there was always a sense to me that I couldn’t do everything. And I made the decision to keep trying.” She shook her head. “I can’t help but wonder how many mistakes I made raising you.”
“Mom—“
“I am so proud of how you turned out, sweetie, but I wonder what it would have been like if I had been there every day for you. If I had been the one making dinners and not you.”
“Mom, I’m wonderful. I loved my life growing up.”
“I know, and I am so relieved you don’t feel like you missed out on anything because I wasn’t there.”
“Missed out? I had an excellent life. I had you, Alex, and Maria. I had my friends.”
“But you didn’t have me, not all the time, like you should have. And you definitely didn’t have your father. It wasn’t very fair to you.”
“Mom, why are you thinking like this?”
She looked at me. I could see that she was biting her lip, like she always did when she was trying to decide if she should tell me something. “Can you keep a secret?”
I had to laugh at that. My entire life was a secret!
“I’m pregnant.”
“What????” I screamed.
She laughed and threw her arms out to stop me from screaming again. “Shh, Xan. I don’t want anyone else to know yet.”
“Mom!” I hugged her across the table, messing the neat piles she was dividing the pictures into. “This is incredible!”
She laughed. “I know.”
“Who knows?”
“Right now, me, you, and Max.”
“When did you tell Dad?”
She blushed. “Xan, he knew probably before I did. Remember, he knew about you too.”
“This is amazing,” I couldn’t help myself from repeating that sentiment. “I mean, Mom, I always wanted a little brother or sister…but wow. I just never thought it would happen.”
“There were a lot of times when I thought it wouldn’t either, but it’s real.”
“When are you telling everyone else?” I could keep a secret but I didn’t know how long I could hide such incredible news.
“Dinner tonight. Can I get you to help me cook?”
“Of course!” My mind was just swirling. This was insane. First Isabel, now my mother. God, if Maria got pregnant too, this house would be one big mess of hormones.
“But you can’t tell anyone!” My mother reminded me.
“I won’t. This might mean, of course, that I have to hide from everyone but you and Dad but I can handle that for today.”
“I’m sure you can.” She started putting the piles of pictures back together. “So when you said that you were going to talk to your dad about taking charge of your life, what did that mean?”
“I don’t know. I guess I just need to figure out what I can do with my life now.”
My mom nodded. “Sweetie, you can do anything you want. Being here now doesn’t change anything.”
“I can’t help feeling that it does. I mean, if we weren’t here, I’d be getting ready for college or touring Europe or something. Now, the government knows that I’m an alien and therefore I can’t just go to college—“
“Maybe the problem is that you need to stop thinking so concretely. I know how tempting it is to think ‘I’m an alien and that means my life can never be normal’. Your father lived under that for too long. We used to tease Michael that he still lived that way. The thing is, when you realize that yes, you are an alien, and yes, that means you’re pretty far from normal, your abnormality opens up so many doors. You can do things most people can’t even imagine. And I know that it might seem best to hide, but hiding does absolutely nothing. It only makes you miserable. And it makes you deny who you are. And none of us wants that for you, Xan.”
I nodded. “I don’t want that either.”
“So I think before you talk to your dad, you should figure out what it is you want to be and what you want to do. And then, we can all help you figure out how to do that.”
I reached over the table and destroyed the neat piles again to hug my mother. “Thanks, Mom.”
She squeezed me tightly and then looked at her piles. “All right, you need to leave. My piles keep disappearing with you here.”
I laughed. “Just let me know when you want to make dinner.” I left the room and went up to my room. I needed to do some thinking.
<center>***</center>
Thanks for reading!
<center>~*~Part 77~*~</center>
After breakfast, I decided I needed to have a talk with my father. But I hadn’t seen him all day so I went to the one source who always knew where my father was.
“Mom, where’s Dad?”
“I think he’s at some business meeting with someone. He said he’d be back before lunch.” My mother was busy going through the pictures we’d brought with us. “Why do you need him?”
“I just want to talk to him. I figure I ought to do something with my new take charge of my life attitude.” I sat down on the floor in front of the table she was sorting the pictures on. I picked one up. It was my 4th birthday party. Everything was Barbie that year. “Mom, what are you going to do?”
“About what?”
“Well, now that we’re here. What are you going to do? Do you still want to be a doctor—“
She smiled. “I hardly think that profession is really needed on a ranch where aliens can heal you, Xan.”
“So what are you going to do instead?”
“Well, right now I’m pretty happy just to spend time with my family.”
“And when that wears off?”
She shrugged. “I don’t know. I haven’t thought that far ahead.” She looked at a picture of me on my first day of school and showed it to me after a second. “It’s kind of like this experience all over again, isn’t it? I mean, there are so many new possibilities for us here. Maybe I can learn how to cook. Maybe I’ll stay home and be the housewife I’ve always wanted to be. Maybe I’ll learn how to be a rancher. There are so many things we can do, sweetie.”
“Can you really be happy just giving up medicine?” I knew how important that was to her. I had watched her work so hard to be the best, and now she was willing to give it all up? To never go into a lab again? To never find the cure she had been searching for?
My mom was silent for a moment. “Yes.” She looked at me to explain. “I know how insane this all must sound. I mean, for the first 18 years of your life, I was always working, always at the hospital. And I found so much purpose there, Xan. I needed that job as a way to think I was making a difference to the world. But now…I don’t need it. My drive to make a difference is fading. The only difference that matters now is that for the first time, I’m free to have exactly what I want. My husband and my daughter and our family together.” She paused. “When I was little, my parents both worked where they raised me. I had them with me all the time, and that was wonderful. But as I grew up, I started thinking that staying at home and raising a family was…selling yourself short. It was an opinion with a lot of my generation, sweetie. And so I became a doctor and found purpose in my work. And I raised you as well as I could. And I never admitted it to anyone, but there was always a sense to me that I couldn’t do everything. And I made the decision to keep trying.” She shook her head. “I can’t help but wonder how many mistakes I made raising you.”
“Mom—“
“I am so proud of how you turned out, sweetie, but I wonder what it would have been like if I had been there every day for you. If I had been the one making dinners and not you.”
“Mom, I’m wonderful. I loved my life growing up.”
“I know, and I am so relieved you don’t feel like you missed out on anything because I wasn’t there.”
“Missed out? I had an excellent life. I had you, Alex, and Maria. I had my friends.”
“But you didn’t have me, not all the time, like you should have. And you definitely didn’t have your father. It wasn’t very fair to you.”
“Mom, why are you thinking like this?”
She looked at me. I could see that she was biting her lip, like she always did when she was trying to decide if she should tell me something. “Can you keep a secret?”
I had to laugh at that. My entire life was a secret!
“I’m pregnant.”
“What????” I screamed.
She laughed and threw her arms out to stop me from screaming again. “Shh, Xan. I don’t want anyone else to know yet.”
“Mom!” I hugged her across the table, messing the neat piles she was dividing the pictures into. “This is incredible!”
She laughed. “I know.”
“Who knows?”
“Right now, me, you, and Max.”
“When did you tell Dad?”
She blushed. “Xan, he knew probably before I did. Remember, he knew about you too.”
“This is amazing,” I couldn’t help myself from repeating that sentiment. “I mean, Mom, I always wanted a little brother or sister…but wow. I just never thought it would happen.”
“There were a lot of times when I thought it wouldn’t either, but it’s real.”
“When are you telling everyone else?” I could keep a secret but I didn’t know how long I could hide such incredible news.
“Dinner tonight. Can I get you to help me cook?”
“Of course!” My mind was just swirling. This was insane. First Isabel, now my mother. God, if Maria got pregnant too, this house would be one big mess of hormones.
“But you can’t tell anyone!” My mother reminded me.
“I won’t. This might mean, of course, that I have to hide from everyone but you and Dad but I can handle that for today.”
“I’m sure you can.” She started putting the piles of pictures back together. “So when you said that you were going to talk to your dad about taking charge of your life, what did that mean?”
“I don’t know. I guess I just need to figure out what I can do with my life now.”
My mom nodded. “Sweetie, you can do anything you want. Being here now doesn’t change anything.”
“I can’t help feeling that it does. I mean, if we weren’t here, I’d be getting ready for college or touring Europe or something. Now, the government knows that I’m an alien and therefore I can’t just go to college—“
“Maybe the problem is that you need to stop thinking so concretely. I know how tempting it is to think ‘I’m an alien and that means my life can never be normal’. Your father lived under that for too long. We used to tease Michael that he still lived that way. The thing is, when you realize that yes, you are an alien, and yes, that means you’re pretty far from normal, your abnormality opens up so many doors. You can do things most people can’t even imagine. And I know that it might seem best to hide, but hiding does absolutely nothing. It only makes you miserable. And it makes you deny who you are. And none of us wants that for you, Xan.”
I nodded. “I don’t want that either.”
“So I think before you talk to your dad, you should figure out what it is you want to be and what you want to do. And then, we can all help you figure out how to do that.”
I reached over the table and destroyed the neat piles again to hug my mother. “Thanks, Mom.”
She squeezed me tightly and then looked at her piles. “All right, you need to leave. My piles keep disappearing with you here.”
I laughed. “Just let me know when you want to make dinner.” I left the room and went up to my room. I needed to do some thinking.
<center>***</center>
-
Transparent Clear
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 48
- Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:58 pm
- Location: **dreams**
- Contact:
<center>~*~Part 78~*~</center>
I was lying on my bed staring at the stars on the ceiling when I heard something hit my window…just a small tap, but still it was something hitting my second story window and that threw me off. I got off the bed and walked over to the window and looked down. Seth was standing there with what looked like a pebble in his hand, and he was getting ready to throw it. I opened the window quickly before he could throw the rock and break it.
“Seth?” I looked down at him with my head out of the window.
“There you are!” He smiled.
“What are you doing?”
“Well, I hadn’t seen you around today and just wanted to come talk to you.”
“Why?”
He shrugged. “Why don’t you come down here? I feel ridiculous yelling things up to your window.”
I smiled. “Okay.” I turned and fixed my hair quickly before heading down to meet Seth at my backdoor.
“Hey,” he smiled as I walked out to meet him.
I grinned. “So what did you want to talk about?”
“Yesterday.” He took my hand from my side and started walking. “I’ll show you around some more.”
“Seth, I really don't want to meet anymore people right now—“
“I just want to show you some of my favorite places to escape to here, Xan. I promise you won’t have to meet anyone else I know.” He looked at me and smiled simply. “I know you were miserable meeting people yesterday.”
I didn’t even try to deny it. “I was. And I'm sorry, Seth. I'm sure they’re great people, but they…I just didn’t feel comfortable around them.”
“They were nervous about you, too, Xan—“
“But the way they treated me, the looks… I just felt like an outsider, Seth. And it’s not like I expected instant friendships or anything, but they looked down on me because of who I am, how I behave. I can’t handle that.”
He nodded. “I understand.” He led me towards a group of trees.
“Seth, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“Well, it will probably be more than one, but whatever. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
“Xan—“
“I don’t want to talk about this destiny you felt pulled towards me with. I want to talk about dreams. I mean, what did you want to be?”
“I don’t know,” he hung his head as he thought. I saw the smile rise through his cheeks when he said, “A musician, I guess. I’ve always loved music.”
“Do you play any instruments?”
“The guitar and piano.” He blushed.
“Really?” I smiled. “How long?”
“All my life it seems with the piano. Mom made me take lessons when I was younger from one of the women in the village. She said it reminded her of the civility of a real planet. And I picked up the guitar a couple years ago when some friend and I went to Houston to visit colleges.”
“Colleges?” I jumped on the word I’d been trying to forget.
“Sure. Me, Craig, and Tony went to visit some colleges in Texas to see if we wanted to go there—“
“Like go to college?” I was amazed at how slowly I was grasping this concept.
“Sure.”
“We can go to college?”
“Xan, why are you acting like this? I mean, of course, we go to college.”
I had to laugh out loud. “Seth, you do not understand the hell I have been living through this past week thinking I was trapped on this ranch forever. I mean, I saw all my dreams, all my goals, just sliding away. And now you’re telling me that I can still go to college and have all the things I always wanted.”
“Well, yeah, I guess. I mean, I don’t see Max really denying you anything, Xan. If you want college, I'm sure he’ll pay.”
I started laughing. “Oh my God…”
“And I guess it might be different for you, Xan. You’ll probably have to change your appearance for as long as you’re there, but—“
I took a deep breath. “Seth, I don’t care about that. I’d be just as happy being a red head as a brunette and I'm fine with pretending to be someone named Chloe instead of Xan. I just—it’s amazing.” All of a sudden, I could feel all those dreams I used to have coming back to me.
He turned and looked at me. “Is that what’s been wrong with you all this time? You’ve been afraid of losing your future?”
I nodded, refusing to give in to the feelings of silliness. “Yes. I mean, when we made the plan to come here, we never talked about what would happen after we got here. I never thought about talking about it; I just wanted my family together. But once I got here, I started thinking and I thought I would have to give up all my dreams for this. And I’ve felt so guilty because I don’t want to. I love that my family is together—but what about me? I know it’s selfish, but damn it, I'm 18. I'm supposed to be selfish! And now, you tell me I can go to college still…and I can have every dream I ever wanted. God, this is amazing, Seth.” I felt so excited; I couldn’t believe it. I hugged him quickly but tightly.
Seth smiled. “Can I give you a piece of advice, Xan?”
“Sure.” I smiled.
“I think you need to talk to your father.”
I felt my entire mood shift. “What? Why do you say that?”
“Because it is obvious that you are very unaware of things on this ranch…and you haven’t been talking to him.”
“Seth—“ I felt myself want to get mad at him.
“And I know it’s none of my business, but I think you need to talk to him.” He kept his eyes focused on mine. “And I think he needs to talk to you, too.”
We were silent for a few moments.
Then Seth tugged on my hand. “Come on. I think you’ll like this store.” He started to lead me off through town.
<center>***</center>
I was lying on my bed staring at the stars on the ceiling when I heard something hit my window…just a small tap, but still it was something hitting my second story window and that threw me off. I got off the bed and walked over to the window and looked down. Seth was standing there with what looked like a pebble in his hand, and he was getting ready to throw it. I opened the window quickly before he could throw the rock and break it.
“Seth?” I looked down at him with my head out of the window.
“There you are!” He smiled.
“What are you doing?”
“Well, I hadn’t seen you around today and just wanted to come talk to you.”
“Why?”
He shrugged. “Why don’t you come down here? I feel ridiculous yelling things up to your window.”
I smiled. “Okay.” I turned and fixed my hair quickly before heading down to meet Seth at my backdoor.
“Hey,” he smiled as I walked out to meet him.
I grinned. “So what did you want to talk about?”
“Yesterday.” He took my hand from my side and started walking. “I’ll show you around some more.”
“Seth, I really don't want to meet anymore people right now—“
“I just want to show you some of my favorite places to escape to here, Xan. I promise you won’t have to meet anyone else I know.” He looked at me and smiled simply. “I know you were miserable meeting people yesterday.”
I didn’t even try to deny it. “I was. And I'm sorry, Seth. I'm sure they’re great people, but they…I just didn’t feel comfortable around them.”
“They were nervous about you, too, Xan—“
“But the way they treated me, the looks… I just felt like an outsider, Seth. And it’s not like I expected instant friendships or anything, but they looked down on me because of who I am, how I behave. I can’t handle that.”
He nodded. “I understand.” He led me towards a group of trees.
“Seth, can I ask you a question?”
“Sure.”
“Well, it will probably be more than one, but whatever. When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
“Xan—“
“I don’t want to talk about this destiny you felt pulled towards me with. I want to talk about dreams. I mean, what did you want to be?”
“I don’t know,” he hung his head as he thought. I saw the smile rise through his cheeks when he said, “A musician, I guess. I’ve always loved music.”
“Do you play any instruments?”
“The guitar and piano.” He blushed.
“Really?” I smiled. “How long?”
“All my life it seems with the piano. Mom made me take lessons when I was younger from one of the women in the village. She said it reminded her of the civility of a real planet. And I picked up the guitar a couple years ago when some friend and I went to Houston to visit colleges.”
“Colleges?” I jumped on the word I’d been trying to forget.
“Sure. Me, Craig, and Tony went to visit some colleges in Texas to see if we wanted to go there—“
“Like go to college?” I was amazed at how slowly I was grasping this concept.
“Sure.”
“We can go to college?”
“Xan, why are you acting like this? I mean, of course, we go to college.”
I had to laugh out loud. “Seth, you do not understand the hell I have been living through this past week thinking I was trapped on this ranch forever. I mean, I saw all my dreams, all my goals, just sliding away. And now you’re telling me that I can still go to college and have all the things I always wanted.”
“Well, yeah, I guess. I mean, I don’t see Max really denying you anything, Xan. If you want college, I'm sure he’ll pay.”
I started laughing. “Oh my God…”
“And I guess it might be different for you, Xan. You’ll probably have to change your appearance for as long as you’re there, but—“
I took a deep breath. “Seth, I don’t care about that. I’d be just as happy being a red head as a brunette and I'm fine with pretending to be someone named Chloe instead of Xan. I just—it’s amazing.” All of a sudden, I could feel all those dreams I used to have coming back to me.
He turned and looked at me. “Is that what’s been wrong with you all this time? You’ve been afraid of losing your future?”
I nodded, refusing to give in to the feelings of silliness. “Yes. I mean, when we made the plan to come here, we never talked about what would happen after we got here. I never thought about talking about it; I just wanted my family together. But once I got here, I started thinking and I thought I would have to give up all my dreams for this. And I’ve felt so guilty because I don’t want to. I love that my family is together—but what about me? I know it’s selfish, but damn it, I'm 18. I'm supposed to be selfish! And now, you tell me I can go to college still…and I can have every dream I ever wanted. God, this is amazing, Seth.” I felt so excited; I couldn’t believe it. I hugged him quickly but tightly.
Seth smiled. “Can I give you a piece of advice, Xan?”
“Sure.” I smiled.
“I think you need to talk to your father.”
I felt my entire mood shift. “What? Why do you say that?”
“Because it is obvious that you are very unaware of things on this ranch…and you haven’t been talking to him.”
“Seth—“ I felt myself want to get mad at him.
“And I know it’s none of my business, but I think you need to talk to him.” He kept his eyes focused on mine. “And I think he needs to talk to you, too.”
We were silent for a few moments.
Then Seth tugged on my hand. “Come on. I think you’ll like this store.” He started to lead me off through town.
<center>***</center>
-
Transparent Clear
- Enthusiastic Roswellian
- Posts: 48
- Joined: Tue Oct 09, 2001 4:58 pm
- Location: **dreams**
- Contact:
Yay!!!!
AN: Holy Moly! I have actually been able to write!!!! I got my new computer on Thursday and since then, I have been writing!!! It's truly miraculous. So here's a new part of Xan. I'm not sure on when to tell anyone to expect a new part of Dial-Up but it will be coming.
yay! i feel so much better for having written and now posting. Happy Saturday!
Jenn
“Hey, Xan, what’s up?” He closed the laptop’s screen.
I took a deep breath. “I think we need to talk.”
He stood up and walked towards me. “I was wondering when you’d be ready to talk to me.” I hung my head a bit. “Don’t worry, Xan. I understand that you’ve been going through a lot lately. Despite what your mother and Maria think, I have learned some patience in the past 15 years.”
I smiled. “Right.”
“So what’s going on with you?”
I was surprised by the calmness in his voice. He acted like he knew i was going to come to him to talk. I wasn’t sure that I liked this attitude. I sat down in a couch. “You know, I was all for moving here but I realized once I got here that I forgot to think about a couple things. Namely, what am I going to do with the rest of my life?”
“That’s a pretty big question, Xan.” He smiled.
“Ok. I’ll cut those questions down then. What do you want me to do?”
He looked at me for a second. “Xan, I just want you to be happy!”
I hated that answer. It seemed like such a cop out that parents gave when they didn’t want to answer. “That is such a lame answer, Dad.”
“It’s the truth, though, Xan. I want you to have everything all of us have missed out on for so long.” He leaned against the desk.
“But I don’t know what that means!” I exclaimed and then I jumped up to start pacing the office. “I was happy my entire life, Dad. I never felt like I was missing anything. And in a lot of ways, I think I don’t understand what I was missing, not really. I know I missed out on half my family, but...I was still happy! I came here and suddenly felt like I had lost so much, not as much as I gained but everything that I thought made me me.” I kept on talking before he could say anything. “I don’t know how to explain this. I’ve wanted to be a writer my entire life, and I dreamt of going to college and studying creative writing in New York or Indiana or Florida. And then I came here, and I thought college was closed off to me because what if the FBI was to find out what I was or where you were. I feel like I have lost my relationship with my best friend. And while I know that a best friend can be replaced or changed, my relationship with Megan just seemed different, special. And I thought I couldn’t contact her ever again...and so she was lost to me. I don’t even know if this is okay, but I started dreamwalking Megan. I just wanted some sense of normalcy again, and that was the only way I could think to find it. And for the first time since I really got here, I felt normal again just getting to be me again. And I didn’t want to wake up. God, I felt so guilty for thinking like that, Dad. I love that I’m here. I want to be here, but at the same time, I felt like I was here with no options.”
“Xan--”
“And now, I just talked to Seth and he talked about touring colleges, that he was able to go whenever he wanted. And for the first time it seemed like options started to open up again, but I’m afraid to believe in them without asking. Do I have the same options as Seth and the other kids here? Can I just choose a college and go? Or is the fact that the FBI knows who I am restrict that? If I can go, can I still study writing or do I need to study business or political science or what? And that brings up another thing. What are my responsibilities here? What do I need to do? Is there something I’m supposed to be doing to help these poeple? What are my options?”
“I can’t believe we never talked about all this, Xan. Everything was so hectic when we got home. I always meant to have this conversation with you, to talk to you about what you wanted to do. I mean, damn, I can’t believe I messed this up so much. This is why you’ve been so distant and not talking to anyone?” He stared at me and then immediately started pacing.
“I thought you’d learned some patience,” I laughed.
“This isn’t a matter of patience, Xan. I can’t believe I didn’t realize--”
“Dad, you’re not expected to know everything about me.”
“Did your mom and Maria know this?”
I nodded. “In some ways.”
He hung his head.
“Okay, no guilt here. Let’s just talk about this.”
He nodded and sat down again. “First of all, you can do anything you want to do. If you want to go to college, you can go. If you want to be a writer, be a writer. When I said earlier that I wanted you to have everything we missed, that means that you get to have all the freedom we didn’t. If you get married in Vegas, I want you to be able to tell everyone--but please don’t get married in Vegas. Your mom will be so disappointed. I just don’t want you to be as restricted as we were. And now I realize that you feel just as restricted as we all were for all those years because you didn’t know what you could be.”
“So if I want to go to college this fall, I can go?”
“Of course. It might not be exactly like you were expecting it to be. You’ll probably have to go by a different name and change your appearance to keep the FBI off your back, but Xan, you are free to go. Of course, we’ll all miss you like crazy but we’ll understand, and you can come home as often as you want.”
I tried to absorb all that without jumping up and down. This was everything I wanted, but I tried to focus on the other information I felt like I needed. “I don’t understand though. How is it safe for me to go to college? You guys had to stay down here all this time because the FBI was still looking for you. I’m sure they’ll still be looking for me.”
“We’ll figure that out. It might mean that we send someone from here with you to college to monitor anything that doesn’t seem normal. You’ll always have to be on guard, but if you feel it’s worth it, you can do it.” He paused. “I think it was you who told me that I was trying to play God with everyone, and I will admit that I have spent the majority of my life doing that, trying to keep everyone safe. And you were the one I have wanted to keep safe from the very minute I found out about you. But you’re right. I have to let you live your own life. If you want to take the risks, I’ll worry about you and I can’t promise that your mother and I won’t call constantly and just show up for random visits, but I will do as much as I can to let you live the life you want.”
I jumped up and hugged him. “Thank you so much, Dad.”
“Wow. This is the first time I’ve seen you smile in weeks.”
I shrugged. “I--”
He quickly changed the subject. “I have to get a little more work done here but after that, why don’t you, your mom and I sit down and figure out where you want to go to college and how we can make that possible?”
“Okay.” I was so excited.
“Xan, I’m sorry for all this. We really should have talked about this a long time ago. We won’t make the same mistakes again.”
“I know.” I hugged him again and then walked to the door. “I’ll see ya in a little while!” I dashed out of the office.[/b]
It's truly miraculous. So here's a new part of Xan. I'm not sure on when to tell anyone to expect a new part of Dial-Up but it will be coming. yay! i feel so much better for having written and now posting. Happy Saturday!
Jenn
~*~Part 79~*~
“Dad?” I walked into his office at the house. He was sitting behind the computer looking at something.“Hey, Xan, what’s up?” He closed the laptop’s screen.
I took a deep breath. “I think we need to talk.”
He stood up and walked towards me. “I was wondering when you’d be ready to talk to me.” I hung my head a bit. “Don’t worry, Xan. I understand that you’ve been going through a lot lately. Despite what your mother and Maria think, I have learned some patience in the past 15 years.”
I smiled. “Right.”
“So what’s going on with you?”
I was surprised by the calmness in his voice. He acted like he knew i was going to come to him to talk. I wasn’t sure that I liked this attitude. I sat down in a couch. “You know, I was all for moving here but I realized once I got here that I forgot to think about a couple things. Namely, what am I going to do with the rest of my life?”
“That’s a pretty big question, Xan.” He smiled.
“Ok. I’ll cut those questions down then. What do you want me to do?”
He looked at me for a second. “Xan, I just want you to be happy!”
I hated that answer. It seemed like such a cop out that parents gave when they didn’t want to answer. “That is such a lame answer, Dad.”
“It’s the truth, though, Xan. I want you to have everything all of us have missed out on for so long.” He leaned against the desk.
“But I don’t know what that means!” I exclaimed and then I jumped up to start pacing the office. “I was happy my entire life, Dad. I never felt like I was missing anything. And in a lot of ways, I think I don’t understand what I was missing, not really. I know I missed out on half my family, but...I was still happy! I came here and suddenly felt like I had lost so much, not as much as I gained but everything that I thought made me me.” I kept on talking before he could say anything. “I don’t know how to explain this. I’ve wanted to be a writer my entire life, and I dreamt of going to college and studying creative writing in New York or Indiana or Florida. And then I came here, and I thought college was closed off to me because what if the FBI was to find out what I was or where you were. I feel like I have lost my relationship with my best friend. And while I know that a best friend can be replaced or changed, my relationship with Megan just seemed different, special. And I thought I couldn’t contact her ever again...and so she was lost to me. I don’t even know if this is okay, but I started dreamwalking Megan. I just wanted some sense of normalcy again, and that was the only way I could think to find it. And for the first time since I really got here, I felt normal again just getting to be me again. And I didn’t want to wake up. God, I felt so guilty for thinking like that, Dad. I love that I’m here. I want to be here, but at the same time, I felt like I was here with no options.”
“Xan--”
“And now, I just talked to Seth and he talked about touring colleges, that he was able to go whenever he wanted. And for the first time it seemed like options started to open up again, but I’m afraid to believe in them without asking. Do I have the same options as Seth and the other kids here? Can I just choose a college and go? Or is the fact that the FBI knows who I am restrict that? If I can go, can I still study writing or do I need to study business or political science or what? And that brings up another thing. What are my responsibilities here? What do I need to do? Is there something I’m supposed to be doing to help these poeple? What are my options?”
“I can’t believe we never talked about all this, Xan. Everything was so hectic when we got home. I always meant to have this conversation with you, to talk to you about what you wanted to do. I mean, damn, I can’t believe I messed this up so much. This is why you’ve been so distant and not talking to anyone?” He stared at me and then immediately started pacing.
“I thought you’d learned some patience,” I laughed.
“This isn’t a matter of patience, Xan. I can’t believe I didn’t realize--”
“Dad, you’re not expected to know everything about me.”
“Did your mom and Maria know this?”
I nodded. “In some ways.”
He hung his head.
“Okay, no guilt here. Let’s just talk about this.”
He nodded and sat down again. “First of all, you can do anything you want to do. If you want to go to college, you can go. If you want to be a writer, be a writer. When I said earlier that I wanted you to have everything we missed, that means that you get to have all the freedom we didn’t. If you get married in Vegas, I want you to be able to tell everyone--but please don’t get married in Vegas. Your mom will be so disappointed. I just don’t want you to be as restricted as we were. And now I realize that you feel just as restricted as we all were for all those years because you didn’t know what you could be.”
“So if I want to go to college this fall, I can go?”
“Of course. It might not be exactly like you were expecting it to be. You’ll probably have to go by a different name and change your appearance to keep the FBI off your back, but Xan, you are free to go. Of course, we’ll all miss you like crazy but we’ll understand, and you can come home as often as you want.”
I tried to absorb all that without jumping up and down. This was everything I wanted, but I tried to focus on the other information I felt like I needed. “I don’t understand though. How is it safe for me to go to college? You guys had to stay down here all this time because the FBI was still looking for you. I’m sure they’ll still be looking for me.”
“We’ll figure that out. It might mean that we send someone from here with you to college to monitor anything that doesn’t seem normal. You’ll always have to be on guard, but if you feel it’s worth it, you can do it.” He paused. “I think it was you who told me that I was trying to play God with everyone, and I will admit that I have spent the majority of my life doing that, trying to keep everyone safe. And you were the one I have wanted to keep safe from the very minute I found out about you. But you’re right. I have to let you live your own life. If you want to take the risks, I’ll worry about you and I can’t promise that your mother and I won’t call constantly and just show up for random visits, but I will do as much as I can to let you live the life you want.”
I jumped up and hugged him. “Thank you so much, Dad.”
“Wow. This is the first time I’ve seen you smile in weeks.”
I shrugged. “I--”
He quickly changed the subject. “I have to get a little more work done here but after that, why don’t you, your mom and I sit down and figure out where you want to go to college and how we can make that possible?”
“Okay.” I was so excited.
“Xan, I’m sorry for all this. We really should have talked about this a long time ago. We won’t make the same mistakes again.”
“I know.” I hugged him again and then walked to the door. “I’ll see ya in a little while!” I dashed out of the office.[/b]