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A Love She Couldn’t Deny
By, Angelrose242000
Disclaimer: I own NOTHING! Just a desire to write about Spike…someone I’m having a hard time living without watching!
PLEASE REVIEW
Part One—Secret Longings
Many called her Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Petite, blonde, innocent Buffy, the protector of Sunnydale, but at twenty-eight years old the name Buffy and the label just didn’t fit any longer to all she was. It was a nickname that didn’t suit her—in fact now it sounded childish. It was a life that felt existent only to work, never to live, really live. So she determined to go by the name of Elizabeth and to change all of that. Yes, it was about time to be seen as someone intelligent and worthy of having a separate life of her own.
Elizabeth “Buffy” had been going through a phase here lately where she wanted to be seen as a woman with brains and one able to stand up and survive. Hell she’d survived for the past twelve years in Sunnydale as the Slayer. She could make it and she would. Thinking as she walked, Buffy contemplated the issue of being seen as The Slayer. It seemed for the past several years her friends, acquaintances, even her mother and watcher saw her as only a slayer. Like she had nothing else going in her life. She’d been out of high school, out of college, and working and was so much more than just a girl who killed vamps and nightly creatures.
I’m a woman! She thought as she walked home through the forest. Why can’t I have both a life as a slayer and a relationship with a man that makes me feel alive? He might not be one that her friends saw as special, but to Elizabeth, she had been having strong deep feelings for William or as he was commonly called Spike. It seemed nicknames were eternal because he had his too. Warrior, vampire, hellion, bad ass. For years, she had tried to agree, to believe that he was nothing more than a pain in her butt. Here lately though…something inside her was telling her that there was more to Spike. She wanted to find out what else lay within those brown eyes, that cocky smile. How often she had been having hot steamy dreams of him grabbing hold of her and possessing her in ways that she could never imagine allowing in her day time life. She secretly wanted him to…she was just scared. She’d never been with anyone and Spike was like a drug to her. He was becoming all she thought about, whether at work in the Arcadia where she did accounting work or at home, hanging out with friends. She’d ignored Willow and Xander in so many conversations she was sure they noticed something was up.
Giles—well he was simply clueless to what was going on. In his mind, she was just Buffy, the girl he had worked into a kick ass slayer. She was, Elizabeth had to admit. Through several years of hard work she had become toned and efficient. She had brushed off chances at happiness, at dating and life for her work.
Now, somehow, she was unable to brush it off…she wanted Spike. What on earth was she supposed to do about it? She’d never told him about this wish. What would he do? Or say? He’d been her friend for so long, could she tell him that she wanted more? Would he laugh at her and call her ridiculous? Probably. But one thing was for sure. Things were about to change and she was no high school slaying Buffy anymore….
Spike never felt he fit in anywhere. From the time he was a boy, he had been put firmly in the place of a loser. When he tried to fit in as a teenager with the boys, he was beat up and shoved aside. This continued well into his twenties. Having only eyes for one woman, he fell hard for Cicelly while attending a party held by her family who also just happened to be friends with his. He’d grown up with her. It was impossible not to feel a fondness for her. But his fond feelings turned into desire—that desire turned into pathetic ideas that he was actually something worth mentioning—this lead to writing poetry in her damned honor. Again, it should have been no surprise to him that she spit in his face, but hell no one ever said he was 100% all the time anyway. He never felt he was, it was a part he played to try to make others think he was. Deep down inside he knew better. He was just Spike, someone who always wanted to be someone but fell short. His dad always said he was good for nothing, he guessed the life he chose as a vampire at the age of 22 only added to this image. Only when Drusilla appeared, the dark angel who had come into his life shortly after Cicelly’s destructive words, did Spike feel he belonged. He had to become a vampire to fit into her world, but at least she welcomed him.
At least she didn’t call him stupid, or lame, or lousy. At least she let him touch her. Loneliness made friendships impossible. Drusilla became his lover and his friend. She had traveled with him side by side for centuries. Whether in England, France, Italy, China or America, she was there. She stirred his blood, wrecked all sorts of havoc on him until he came to depend on her, to need her in some addictive way that he couldn’t explain.
For awhile it actually worked….
Then she grew bored—and the love they shared was cold with forced affections that grew obvious with each painful embrace that he tried to instigate. Until he finally gave up and let her go.
Coming back to Sunnydale, Spike fed his disappointments with his life by staying to himself in his own little world. This lasted a short while…until he saw her. A girl that had become a woman, yes, someone that he fought but could never quite forget.
There was something about Buffy Summers. It wasn’t what she was, but who. Spike had dreams of her coming to him, to his lair. It was madness and he had no right to imagine such things. Buffy was pure, sweet and though she could kick ass and knock him on his whenever the mood struck, there was something inside her that attracted him to her. The goodness, the acceptance, it was beneath a protective shell—one that he knew from his own that he carried. Damn it he wanted for so long to belong, feeling so lost, but he became friends with her. Her plight to defend the innocent pulled to him and he found himself fighting with her instead of against her.
For over a year, he and Buffy had met and held council and fought numerous demons and phantoms of the night. He even had a connection to her friends—though they would rather see him dead—they did fight with him because he was useful. This ate at him more than just a little. He was useful, not a friend, not someone to count on, but a piece of firepower to call on whenever Xander or the Scoobies were in a jam. At 250 years old, Spike didn’t always take this with a gallant sure-why-not attitude.
Then he would see Buffy walking to him and telling him that she appreciated his help that she couldn’t have done it without him and he was okay again. Hearing her words, her thoughtful kindness offered to someone who didn’t deserve anything more than a knock on his ass, Spike felt grateful and that he belonged in Buffy’s eyes—even if it was as her friend.
Here lately though, that friendship was becoming harder. He wanted something more with her. He wished it was not there, but he did want her, he desired her. And if the day ever happened that she showed a fleeting sexual interest his way, he would have her. For now he would put on his jacket and boots and head to the graveyard. There was a Scooby meeting tonight being a Saturday and he somehow felt his presence might be needed—never wanted but needed just the same….
“Buffy are you sure that now is a good time to discuss this?” Willow asked as Buffy finished getting ready to go in her bedroom of her two-story house. She’d inherited it when her mom moved to Maui last fall. Now it was her place and she had turned it into something she could accept. It had taken months, but she had achieved it and now she knew that if she walked into the hallway pictures of the Atlantic with seashells would be there and in the other bedrooms, small artifacts that spoke of a young woman who loved lighthouses would reside there. She had lighthouse lamps in each room! And her kitchen was done in seashore decorations. The kitchen was freshly finished. And on the back patio, she had two wicker chairs that were white and fully backed. They were comfy and she enjoyed picking up a romance novel and reading in them after patrolling at night. She wrote stories of finding that special someone—who here lately in her stories had personified the image and personality of Spike!
She hid the manuscript in case he would ever stumble upon it, the details were so close in resemblance.
Elizabeth or as her friends called her “Buffy” looked at Willow and said, “Why not discuss it? I mean we are best friends. I think it is a good time as any to talk about old times and changes when we become adults. Isn’t that what friends do?”
Willow pulled her red hair back into a pony tail and plopping in a new position on Buffy’s full-sized bed said, “Sure…but not when they have to meet the gang at the graveyard on a Saturday night…not when Giles is sure to be there…wondering where you are.”
Buffy nearly rolled her eyes as she said, “Yeah, I know. Giles really needs to meet someone, get involved. Then he won’t be on my back to be so focused all the time on slaying. I mean you’d think it is his life’s mission to be sure that mine is completely and totally focused on fighting and patrolling. It’s like I have nothing else to live for.”
Willow laughed at first and said, “He doesn’t think that, Buffy. But Giles is driven. It’s his nature, it’s who he is.”
Buffy let out a deep breath and the strong feelings returned. Natures…they reminded her of Spike. His nature was anything but like Giles’s. Unlike Giles’s laid back style, Spike was reckless, ambitious and wild. He was one who could sit with you on the couch and talk about the weather or fight beside you killing vamps and demons by the dozens. Buffy nearly spoke to him of her real feelings of being stifled into this position as slayer. She’d almost said it last time they were alone, but Willow walked in and stopped her from it. He seemed to already know by how he told her she needed to get out there and let the bloody hell loose once in awhile.
Her friends seemed to hang around her whenever Spike was near—it was as though they thought he was going to take advantage of her. What they didn’t realize was a good part of her was wanting to be approached by Spike. She wanted to be desired, challenged and driven right into his warm awaiting arms. She wanted to be his lover, to be lowered to his mattress and made love to all through the night, then stay with him throughout the day sleeping in his arms. She wanted this passion and was fearing she’d never have it, not with the lot her life had given her. She was a slayer—slayers were different from other women. Somehow though, her heart and her longings were telling a different tale and she was coming closer and closer to following their drum.
Glancing at Willow, trying to shake off the heat that was in her face, in her blood at the thought of being taken again by Spike, Buffy said nearly breathless, “I guess so. If we’re going, then let’s do it.”
Willow shook her head and following her friend out the door said, “Is it your time of the month, Buffy?”
Buffy gave her a long strange look that held a good measure of irritation in it as she said, “I’m not even going to comment on this.” She wasn’t raggish; she was ablaze with needy desires hitting her like a rush. There was a big difference….
Buffy and Willow walked outside at nine that night nearly bumping into Spike. He looked into Buffy’s eyes and nearly lost his reason for existing. What was he here for? Except to desire the slayer…and he did want her. She didn’t know it—his feelings were privately his, for now.
Willow said in her erratic tone, “Spike…what brings you here? I thought we were…you know…meeting the gang at the site.”
Spike said, “Willow, you are supposed to meet up with Xander at his place. I just got the scoop.” Willow nodded and said, “Well, Buffy…I guess I’ll see you there. You gonna be okay?”
Buffy gave Willow a long look that said she would be fine and said, “Go ahead. We’ll be there soon.”
Alone, walking side by side toward the graveyard, Buffy mumbled, “You’d think I was rushing off to meet my death. The way everyone treats me sometimes.”
Spike laughed in a way that had become sexy to Buffy as he said, “They just are worried about you. After all you are walking down Main Street with a notorious vamp, Buffy.”
Buffy said with a sideways grin, “More like a notorious tramp. I’m surprised I don’t see you with someone.”
Spike said, “I am with someone.”
Surprisingly taken back in a vulnerable way, Buffy asked, “You are…with whom?”
Spike stopped walking and looking at Buffy said, “Don’t you know by now?”
Buffy stopped as well and staring up into his eyes said, “You’re dancing around riddles, Spike.”
Spike joked, “I’m full of them. But this time, I’m pretty plain, if you’ll think about it, love.”
Nervous with her own feelings of insecurity and what she was feeling for Spike, someone so opposite of her, Buffy said, “Not now, Spike. I can’t think about it tonight.”
Spike stared at her with the love in his eyes as he said, “It’s there…you can see it if you look and I can feel it by looking at you now. Don’t you think we should talk about it?”
Buffy stopped moving. Her eyes on his, her heart beating rapidly, her lust stirring up and becoming hot, Buffy said heatedly, “I’m not sure I can…talk about these things….”
Spike moved forward and tilting her chin back so he had complete access to her full mouth and allowing Buffy to see the intent in his eyes, Spike said, “Good. Words can be so meaningless.” He lowered his mouth to hers and let himself have a touch, a taste of her. He hadn’t earned it, but it was unbearable and couldn’t be denied anymore.
Buffy surprised him, but mostly herself as she grabbed his jacket and pulled him to her tightly and put all of herself into kissing him back. There they stood, kissing passionately in the moonlight, on Main Street. The door that shut and hid feelings for so long was finally opening a crack. What lay inside those walls, the heat and want and desire could finally begin to surface….
TBC…
A Love She Couldn’t Deny
By, Angelrose242000
Disclaimer: I own NOTHING!
PLEASE REVIEW
Part Two-To be loved by you…
The graveyard was as it always had been—quiet and murky with just a splash of possibilities for something evil to come springing out behind the next corner—or in this case, behind the next headstone! Willow, Xander, Anya, Giles and Willow’s boyfriend, Ethan, stood braced for this occasion.
Ethan McCoy had been a part of the group for six months now and he and Willow were getting closer to the next stage in the relationship, the one that determined if they were meant to be just friends or something more. Willow had gone through some hard times and some confusing years, where she didn’t know who she was—a-typical of being a teenager. Then, having been hurt in high school by a boy named Riley Scott, Willow stuck to helping out the rest of the gang and being a loyal friend to Buffy. For a long time, she didn’t think she was meant to ever find anyone again. But now…now she knew that she was happiest around Ethan. She couldn’t imagine being apart from him.
Xander was married to Anya and they were totally in love. Willow smiled at her best friend and was so glad that he had found such a great girl. Anya Winthrop was passionate and headstrong, but she pushed Xander to believe in himself and to be something he could be proud of. Meeting after high school graduation when she left home and moved to Sunnydale, they were at first annoyances to each other.
Willow noticed before Xander did that he loved her. It was cute the way he tried to hide it—the ways he tried to keep himself away from Anya. Eventually it became inevitable and within two years of working together, they became man and wife. Eight years and running, Xander and Anya were inseparable.
Willow looked up at the sky, wondering if she would find this forever with Ethan. Then feeling his hand on hers, looking into his blue eyes, Willow felt sure it was possible. The geeky girl could find happiness after all.
Giles said, “I wonder where Buffy is. What could be holding her up? She knows we always meet here to patrol.” Giles was often the third wheel in this patrolling business. He wondered more than once why he continued to meet the scoobies and the slayer here. After all, Buffy was twenty-eight, far past the age of needing watched. The habitual duty of watcher was hard to break, though, and he found himself here each and every Friday and Saturday night.
He wanted to protect Buffy and felt even if he was just lecturing her on tardiness it was in some measure a help to her, to keep her focused. Here lately, though, he was noticing she was backing away, not from slaying so much but from him. It bothered him a great deal, but right now, he just couldn’t think about it. He had to stay set in his position as protector of her friends who had become warriors in their own way he knew.
Buffy was not an easy slayer to watch, she had made mistakes and taken plenty of falls, Giles knew, but there was nothing bad he could ever say about her. She had a big heart and she loved with it, completely. Whether it was in protecting others or in falling in love. She loved Angel as a first love type of thing. She hadn’t let him in so far as to become a lover, Giles thought thankfully, but she did date him for three years.
It had been a mutual thing to part ways when Buffy graduated high school, but somehow Giles knew that it took a long while for Buffy to really get past it. Deep inside was where she kept her innermost fears and hurts. Giles had sensed this about Buffy. But she didn’t talk about them. They were hers. Often Giles wondered what she really thought about her life. So far it had remained hers. Angel was part of that puzzle of her inward thoughts, he supposed. Now Angel was living in LA or somewhere near there. Buffy had moved on and seemed to be doing fine, slaying at top marks.
Maybe he was worrying too much about her….
Buffy’s thoughts were on anything but meeting the others at the graveyard. Tonight, as she stood on the street not two feet from Spike, Buffy looked at her hands, and waited for him to say something.
Spike had been pacing back and forth since the kiss, since it ended and he saw the awkward fears on her face, in her blue eyes. It was plain to Spike now that she was innocent. He had thought she and Angel had been together. Now he knew better. He hadn’t pushed her, but definitely caught the signs of fluttery nerves. She would be a virgin if he took her to bed. That did send a rush of power through Spike that he was unable to prevent. But as he looked at her now and saw her holding her hands together and looking at them in a downtrodden manner, Spike said quietly, “We can pretend this didn’t happen, Buffy. Just wipe it away like an eraser to a chalkboard, if you like.”
It wasn’t what he wanted, but he would do it for her, if it was her wish.
Buffy looked up then and caught the pain in his eyes, the way he was looking at her with such devotion, such willingness to do something like that. All she could do was continue to look at him and say, “We can’t take back what happened Spike…and I wouldn’t want to.”
Spike replied, “I don’t want to forget it either…” He walked over to her and as he did he continued, “I don’t want to stop this, Buffy.” He pulled her into his arms and kissed her again maddeningly.
Buffy said in between being taken in one passionate kiss after another, “So don’t.” She pulled him to her again and let her body mold against his, fully, feeling his desire for her. Surprised by it, she broke the kiss, realizing what she was saying Okay to.
This wasn’t a few kisses in the dark she was moving toward with Spike. Somehow she knew that if they continued this road together they would end up in bed and though she had fantasized about it numerous times in different places, she was naïve and innocent and afraid of the undiscovered.
Buffy heard Spike come up behind her and felt his arms around her. They felt comforting. He said, “What’s wrong, love?”
Buffy hated feeling so timid of what was to come, but she did. She replied shaken, “Nothing’s wrong…I’m just…”
Spike filled in, “Scared?”
Buffy leaned back against him and said, “A little…I guess. Spike, I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve never let myself feel it. Part of me tells me I should be at the gravesite, helping, being responsible Buffy.”
Spike said, “And part of you hates it.”
Buffy felt she could be honest facing forward so she continued, “Yes! I mean I know my role, I know what I have been given, but yeah, a big part of me detests it…I’ve never told anyone that before. Is all that I am just a slayer? Can’t I be Elizabeth Anne Summers, a woman who has feelings and desires? What happened to her?”
Spike held Buffy protectively and kissed her on her shoulder, saying, “Oh I think she still exists. I feel her whenever I’m around and she takes hold of my jacket, pulling me to her.”
Buffy blushed and said, “I should be ashamed of that.”
Spike turned her to him and said, “Isn’t this the generation that goes for spontaneity?”
Buffy said, “I’m not normally spontaneous…or so obvious. I’m not easy, Spike.”
Spike held Buffy, looking into her blue eyes with respect as he said, “No, you’re not.”
Buffy looked so painfully innocent as she said, “But I want to be with you.”
Spike kissed her, holding her close, giving her a clue as to what she would be taking on. Then he pulled away and said, “We will be together, Buffy. When you are ready to walk through that door, we’ll go through it.” Taking her hand, he started to walk toward the site, as he said, “Not until then.”
Smiling up at Spike, Buffy said, “I think I’m falling for you, Spike.”
Spike said, “That’s good. I don’t think it’d be fun to pursue you if I thought you hated my guts.”
She laughed with him and he hugged her against him as they walked toward the graveyard that Saturday night……
Giles and the Scoobies got a glimpse of something none of them would expect. Buffy and Spike walked into the graveyard side by side with their arms nearly brushing against each other. Laughing about something, Buffy was smiling up at Spike and he was reciprocating!
Willow looked at Ethan, then Xander and Anya who all showed surprised expressions. Generally whenever Buffy happened to walk into the graveyard, Spike came later, on his own. Never in all the years they fought together did they walk in as friends. They got along with Spike and Buffy showed an interest in keeping him alive as another member of the group, but this was different.
Anya said, “Looks like something’s changed in our Buffy. Can we say cozy?” Willow caught Anya’s remark and said intently to her, “Shut up, Anya. I don’t want Giles blowing what is probably nothing into something.”
Anya said, “It is strange, Willow.”
Willow gave her a glare that had Anya shutting up for the moment. She caught Xander’s look that matched Willow’s. There was no way she was going up against two of them at once. She replied under her breath, “No skin off my nose. If they want to fool around, who am I to say anything about it?”
Willow didn’t like the way Anya was acting or the things she was saying so she said, “Exactly. So mum’s the word. No more, Anya.”
Giles chose to keep silent too. He’d keep an eye on things and then if it looked serious, he’d talk to Buffy about it. Never one to look for trouble, Giles figured it was a fluke experience of Buffy’s and nothing worth concerning himself about. Still, he would keep his eyes open—completely open.
TBC…
I'm not really good at leaving feedback, so I'll just say that this is a really interesting and great fic! Write soon!