Authors: mmcherron (lissalou72) and Babylisou
Couples: CC
Rated: TEEN
Disclaimer: The author of this fan fiction does not own any aspect of Roswell. Those rights belong to Melinda Metz, Jason Katims, WB, UPN, 20th Century Fox, etc. Disclaimer added by moderator.
Summary: No Alien in this one sorry. A tragedy happens will Max ever be the same? Warning this is angst.
Author notes: I would like to thank our Beta Claire (Babdreamer) you did a wonderful job. Ann you are the best you keep me wanting to write. Love ya girl……. Ann you did a wonderful Banner.
This is the first time posting here so please be kind. We all love feedback we would love to know what you think. Thank you mmcherron
Have you ever had a moment in your life, when the world seemed to spin backward, stop suddenly and start again; a moment in your life when everything seemed perfect one seconds and a living hell the next?
As I sit on the wet ground I wonder how I’m supposed to go on; how I’m supposed to live a life without you. I can’t walk backward forever.
I always thought we would grow old together; sat out on the front porch laughing, watching our grandkids play in the yard. Now I can't have that. My whole world has been twisted around in just a moment…
That morning was supposed to be the beginning of a new life, the best of all…
Early we had driven to the hospital, there were no hurries and you had grinned at me all the way even though contractions were ripping through your tiny body. I never saw you look more beautiful than this morning.
Hell broke down with beeping sounds and shrieks and screams and I didn't even get to say I love you. Not a word ... I have a hard time trying to remember the events that followed: I was shoved through the doors, dazzled and disoriented. Panic was rising quickly, crushing my chest. I wish I could have held your hand then, told you everything would be alright… But it would have been a lie…
I never noticed our parents, our friends sitting there until Maria walked up to me. I could see her lips moving, her arms flailing agitatedly before me, but I couldn’t hear a word. It had happened so fast, everything had been right, smooth, you hadn’t even complained before I saw your lids drop against your cheeks as you passed out…. In just a moment…
I waited for hours. Hours that seemed to last for days, months… years… Nurses passed by, walking in and out of the dreaded place where I had left you just a moment before… Nobody knew what was going on, not me, not Michael, not even our parents. No one could tell me if you’d be okay. By mid-morning I was ready to claw my way down that hall, into the room they had held you in for so long. In my daze, I managed to hold onto the hope to see our babies well and healthy: Boy Evans and Girl Evans, born respectively at 10:05 am and 10:12 am.
In the room I was alone. It was packed, with family and friends, relatives. But in my head I was alone. Nobody, not even Maria nor Michael could get through me and understand the torture I was living. I cried and screamed, ignoring the worried glances and concentrating only on breathing: keep on breathing: for you, for them. Silent tears ran down my cheeks and I angrily wiped them away. I couldn’t give in, couldn’t give up on hope.
I lost track of time. How much time we spent in there after the birth, I can’t tell; but when one of the physicians came out walking straight in my direction, it felt like slow motion: his steps careful yet easy, his stance assured but stiff. And when he finally stood before me, tall and proud, it’s only then that I saw the look in his eyes. His brows were covered in sweat and he wiped his palms against the front pocket of his bloodstain white blouse.
Finally, he started talking and even though my ears were wide open, his lips were talking another language: I couldn't and wouldn't hear what he had to say. When I came down to earth the only words I heard were probably what woke me up. Dreaded words, frighteningly full of pain…
I felt my knees give out underneath the crushing weight of the breaking news and in a second I was on the ground, my head banging against the floor as I screamed, my hands pulling at my hair helplessly.
I refused to believe the truth. Couldn’t believe that the only person I had ever loved, the only one I would have ever given my life for, would never see daylights again. I would never see her eyes again. Never feel the silkiness of her skin under my lips; never see her smile, or the light shining in her eyes.
We hadn't even picked names yet. Liz wanted it that way. It was a decision we had to make together. A name is for life. I couldn’t make this choice alone… I don’t know why this seemed so important to me then: such an insignificant matter.
I remember my confusion of the moment, when I had felt so joyous and torn at the same time. I can’t even recall who brought me there, but I found myself looking through the wide glass opening watching the two sweetest sights: both looking back at me expectantly.
They looked so small and helpless. I couldn't stop new tears from pooling in my eyes as I stood there watching. The nurse picked one up; his tiny wrist was circled by a blue band that read ‘Boy Evans’. I had to change that. Alexander Michael Evans: This would be his name… 2 men that made our life, two friends.
The decision I had to make wasn’t too hard as I watched the nurse lift the pink blanket covered baby in her arms: she looked so much like you: Elizabeth Maria Evans would be her name.
A few hours later as I sat in the hospital room holding your fingers in my palm, I was stupid enough to believe that if I started rubbing you hand hard enough, you might just wake up, or if I whispered in your ear like I used to do to wake you up in the morning, I might get you to open your eyes. And even though I knew you were already gone, my lips kept moving as I talked to you. I started running my finger through you hair, just one more time before the doctors told me it was time to leave.
I stood there looking at the two birth certificates, filling them out just right. I decided at that moment that I would do my best to make their lives perfect. I want them to be happy, the happiest they can be without your presence to bless them both with. This moment I will never forget; it sealed their lives to mine like no other children’s life could ever be sealed to their father’s.
At this moment I smiled…This moment…
I lifted the paper I had just filled in and my eyes widened at the few words written at the top: -Death Certificate- That’s what I was holding in my hands, burning my palms like a hot pan. My smile faltered, my lips quivered and I dropped the pages to the floor.
I wanted to scream, to hurl, instead I fell to the ground, holding my knees to my chest, rocking back and forth, back and forth back and… I just needed a moment…
So here I am, sitting on the wet ground, just above your grave, rains dropping from my face onto the white coffin. I wish I could have you back... Just for a moment…
Everyone else is already at the house waiting, but I can't leave you down there. The world is too cold without you, too dark. I will lose my way if I move; I will lose my mind if I think.
I lay my face on the wet soft soil that will soon cover you up, deep down into the ground. I want to crawl my way to you and hold you forever. I can feel the wind blowing harder into my hair, the rain has stopped. I can hear your voice whispering in my ears. And I can smell you again, your scent surrounding me in the same way it used to (be) when you were still here; sweet strawberries dancing in the breeze… for a moment...
I lay there taking deep breaths my body shaking and I don’t know if it’s from the cold or the fear to leave and never see you again. The trees are singing a sweet nature song; it’s like the angels are singing for me, for you. The air gets caught in my throat: I’m mesmerised by the beauty of this moment…
I freeze when I feel the familiar touch of your hand against my back, the tender stroke of your palm against my stiff neck. I sit up looking around, closing my eyes as I stand before your grave, wishing these sensations to end. But they don’t.
I can feel her, stronger than ever, close to me and she’s pushing me away. I resist and scream, fighting against an invisible ghost.
Thunders rip through the sky feeling like somebody drumming on my soul. The lightning blasting through the sky gets past my lids, lighting my eyes. I open them swiftly and the fog around me is rolling in like in a scary spooky movie. But I still won't leave… Just a moment, I plead.
The rain starts again, pouring down my chest, soaking me to the core; my clothes already glued to my skin. Sparks lights up the sky again. My head rises up and in the distance I can see Liz standing in the fog. Blinking once, twice, she’s still there. Scrambling to my feet I run toward the unbelievable vision. Her hand rises up before I can reach her and I stop afraid that she might disappear.
I’m close enough to see the sadness in her eyes, the pain, the fears…
Her lips don’t move, but I hear her voice, clear, soft and confident as ever.
‘Let me go.’
Desperate to make her understand, my last chance to bring her back, I crawl closer, stopping only when she takes a step backward. ‘Liz you can't say that to me. I can't live without you.’ I cry pleadingly, knowing I’m not alone but not caring the less. People have stopped watching. If I’m losing my mind, then let me… Just for a moment…
‘They need you Max… It’s my time… let me go.’ She whispers back, her voice firm and determined. She is not the least affected by my outburst and I feel a pang of pain stabbing through my chest.
She knows me better then I know myself. She knows exactly how strong I can be… She knows everything, even in death… She needs me to be there for the babies, she’s asking me the impossible but she knows I could never refuse her anything.
I can see her moving closer, but her feet don’t touch the ground as she nears. Her hand touches my face ever so lightly, feeling like a cold breeze, a feather kiss on my cheek. It is time… Time for her to leave, for me to let her go…
The tree leaves wrestle in the wind getting my attention back to the real world. But her smell is still around, her soul wrapping around mine like a cocoon, and at that moment I know, she’ll always be there, for me, for them…
I kiss my palm, flattening it down where my beloved lays, resting. Closing my eyes, I allow myself one last whisper, one last moment for her: ‘I love you Liz, always and forever…’
Getting up, swiping my pants clean the best I can, I look up and see the stars starting to come out. The rain has stopped and the clouds are fading. Liz is up there, looking down at me, at us, with a smile grazing her angelic face.
Turning around, I walk to my car, slowly but surely. And just for a moment, my mind drifts away to the woman I loved and the woman I love; to the pieces of her life lingering into my heart… Just for a moment…
The end.
