Author's Note: Well, this is it for Sins. Thanks to everyone who read it for the first time, and those who came back for another healthy dose of angst while I reposted.
I will start posting the tag, Fall on your Knees tomorrow, and then the newest fic in the series sometime next week.
Kath
Part 34 - Song for a Winter’s Night - Liz POV
The lamp is burning low upon my table top.
The snow is softly falling.
The air is still within the silence of my room,
I hear your voice softly calling.
If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two,
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
Upon this winter’s night with you.
The smoke is rising in the shadows overhead,
My glass is almost empty.
I read again between the lines upon each page
The words of love you sent me.
If I could know within my heart
That you were lonely too,
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
Upon this winter’s night with you.
The fire is dying, my lamp is growing dim,
The shades of night are lifting.
The morning light steals across my windowpane,
Where webs of snow are drifting.
If I could only have you near
To breathe a sigh or two,
I would be happy just to hold the hands I love
On this winter’s night with you,
And to be once again with you.
Written by Gordon Lightfoot, Performed by Sarah McLachlan
Boston, Massachusetts - January 2004 - two and a half years later
I am standing at the window of the apartment I share with Maria, looking down on the street where the lamps have just winked on. I sigh, leaning my fore-head against the frost-covered pane, a lump in my throat. I can feel the tears that are threatening to fall, struggle to hold them back.
There’s no point in crying. It isn’t going to fix anything. Patience and hope are the only emotions I allow myself to feel these days. Maria doesn’t need me moping around after all. I am not the only one who is lonely.
It is hard to remember this though as I stare down at the empty road. It has started to snow, which has driven the few who earlier braved the cold into their houses, back to their loved ones.
It is my own fault that I am disappointed. I knew I was imagining things, even before I moved over here, but I couldn’t resist. I swear to God, I felt Max for a moment, in a way I haven’t in months. Sitting at my desk, typing away at a paper for my chem class, I somehow just knew that he was near.
I know he isn’t though. I spoke to him on the phone only last night. He’s still in North Dakota, where he, and Kyle, and Valenti, and all the others have chased down the latest false lead.
"They were here, Liz, but by the time we found where they were hiding, they were gone." I could hear in his voice how tired he was, how disappointed. All I wanted to do was board the next plane to wherever it was they were, but I knew that it wasn’t going to accomplish anything. Max and I made the decision long ago that it was just easier to be apart until the whole thing sorted itself out, until we could actually move forward with our lives. Being together and, yet, not, was just getting too difficult. We needed a break.
But now that I haven’t seen him in months, I am beginning to forget exactly what it was we were finding so hard about being together. Because being apart is a million times worse. And I can’t even tell him that. He doesn’t need to worry about me on top of everything else.
Okay, since I am sure that by now you are all totally getting the wrong impression from this little inner monologue, I probably should clear up some of what has happened since Tess died. Because Max was not wrong when he felt her go after the sheriff killed Lonnie and Rath. She is gone. She died the exact moment Max thought.
With her death, everything changed again. First of all, no one could figure out how she died, but Max was absolutely certain she had. The reason he knew? Because whatever it was she did to his mind - whatever false memories she implanted in her attempt to control him and keep us apart - the instant her life ended, so did her mindwarp on Max.
Isabel, Michael, and Ava also knew it somehow. I can’t begin to explain what the four of them tapped into when they made that connection so that Max could kill Lonnie and Rath, but whatever it was, they have been…well, I guess the best word is stronger ever since. The four square is complete and powerful, and becomes more so with every passing day, as they become more in tune with each other.
Max told me once that it surprised him how much of themselves Michael and Isabel had always hidden from him. But, after that connection was made, it was like he knew them inside out. It freaked them all out for a while actually. Isabel was not very happy that her brothers suddenly knew exactly how she felt about being Vilandra and her potential for betrayal. Neither Max or Michael could understand why she was so worried that she was going to hurt them . They just both knew that she wouldn’t, and didn’t get why she thought she might.
Michael was embarrassed because Isabel and Max suddenly knew how jealous he had always been of them for their happy family and their seemingly perfect lives. He was even more humiliated because, after the connection, he finally understood that most of it had been a facade, that they were just as scared and vulnerable as he was.
I have no doubt what Isabel and Michael found out about Max in that connection because, after it happened, their behavior towards me changed in a subtle way. They treated me with much more respect than they ever had before, and I really think that I can date the day of Lonnie and Rath’s death as the day that Isabel and Michael finally accepted me totally. Because they had seen me as Max saw me and, finally, they understood.
Needless to say, all of this was mildly weird, and a lot to handle for all three of them. And then there was Ava to deal with on top of that. I don’t think anyone really got how horrible things were for her with Zan, Lonnie, and Rath until that connection. She had loved Zan, but he was no Max, and there was no question that he had not been very nice to her. I think maybe the other three dupes knew all along that Ava was not their queen and had always treated her accordingly. Max told me a bit about how it felt to be her - sure that you were supposed to feel close to certain people but not understanding why everything you did was just wrong in their eyes.
Slowly, but surely, they all began to adjust to their new relationships though. Ava truly began to feel at home with us all, and Max, Isabel, and Michael ended up closer than ever. Before they had always understood each other on the surface, sharing the common bond of their alien status. But, after the connection, they got each other better as people, in a way I don’t think anyone else can ever understand.
And, as the connection slowly became more understandable to them all, as they opened themselves to the four square completely, bonding emotionally beyond what most people will experience with any one person, let alone three others, Max suddenly knew what had happened to Tess.
Because, as their alien sides emerged through the connection, their memories of that other life started coming back too, slowly but surely. Max figured out how Tess died because he began to remember some details of the cloning procedure, of the pods, and of how they worked. As their memories returned, so did their knowledge of how they had come to be.
It turns out the whole hybrid process had been King Zan’s creation, his pet project. He had always been intrigued by Earth and humans, by our emotions and our achievements, and he had pondered ways to bring the two civilizations together. It was ultimately what killed him, this dream of contact between the two planets. Many on Antar were against it and revolted, with Khivar as their leader, bringing down the monarchy. All of this also explained why Khivar would be so keen in a few years to completely destroy Earth. Max remembered him as a traditionalist who did not want things on his planet to change, as they ultimately would due to close contact with another civilization. And so he chose to destroy that civilization, rather than risk tainting their Antarian society.
The irony of the whole thing was that, by having Zan killed in his past life, Khivar brought Antar into contact with Earth much sooner than might have been the case. Zan’s loyal followers used the king’s own invention to clone him, sending him, along with the three others who they would have seen as his closest allies, to the very place Khivar wanted nothing to do with.
While I am sure you are finding this all interesting, if confusing (but then what isn’t when you’re dealing with aliens?), the point of it is, when Max started to recover his memories of being Zan, he also remembered how the pods and the concept of the four square worked.
Despite our earlier speculations that the two sets of pods differed in some way, with the Roswell Royal Four being more human and the dupes more alien, that wasn’t actually the case. Lonnie and Rath’s psychosis was not because they were more alien, but, rather because they were neglected and they had had to scramble to scrape by on the streets of New York. The dupes were the victims of a lack of nurture, rather than nature. On the other hand, Tess was the a product of Nasedo’s obsession with getting home, and had devised the plan with the Skins to make sure it happened. Why Ava turned out the way she did, despite having lived the same life as Lonnie and Rath, well, that’s still a mystery. Maybe her natural kindness won out or, maybe, in spite of the fact that he didn’t love her, the way Zan protected her had allowed her to remain somewhat innocent.
The important thing in all of this though is that any four of the eight could have come together to make a four square. The second set of pods was sent as insurance, but the clones were all interchangeable. Max could have formed a four square with Lonnie, Rath, and Tess, or with Isabel, Michael, and Ava. It didn’t matter which Zan joined with which Ava, or with which Vilandra. What was important was that it happened. If New York Zan had lived, there could still have been two complete four squares. We already knew that the ship wouldn’t work without a complete complement of the Royal Four inside it, even with the granolith. It didn’t take much of a leap in logic to understand that it was because part of what powered the ship was the connection between the four square.
When Lonnie and Rath killed Zan, they destroyed the possibility that a second four square could be completed. And, so, it was almost as if they were all in a race with each other - one which no one even knew about. Both sets needed Max to fully connect with them so that the four square could come into its power. When he finally did, with Isabel, and Michael, and Ava in that moment when they were going to kill Rath and Lonnie, all hope for the three leftovers was lost.
Basically, even if Valenti hadn’t shot Rath and Lonnie, they still would have died. They lost the only Zan left, and, so, they lost their potential. They were programmed to cease to exist if that were to happen.
Which is exactly what happened to Tess. When Ava joined with Isabel, Michael, and Max, Tess lost her last chance to be a part of their connection. She died and, in the process, finally freed Max to fully make the one other connection King Zan had always intended - the one Tess was trying to prevent happening at all costs - a bond between a human and an Antarian.
A bond between Max and I is, therefore, fully sanctioned, and is actually what’s supposed to be. The four square was always meant to let others in, to embrace humanity. It was what King Zan wanted for his planet above all things. In the end, because Max, and Isabel, and Michael had created their bond with us humans, they were more open to connecting with each other as well. And, for that reason, they won.
Max and I don’t have to worry about the alien/human thing anymore. So you might be asking, what the heck is the problem? Where is Max, and why aren’t we together?
I don’t want you to think that we broke up or anything like that. We didn’t. Not by a long shot. But we’re not exactly together either. It’s sort of hard to explain, but I’ll try.
After Tess died, everything about Max changed - again. I think maybe she had been controlling him subtly for much longer than any of us ever imagined, because with her gone, it was like he was liberated in a way that almost made him a different person. He was finally able to accept who he was, and he was also able to accept that I loved him just as much as he loved me. Because Tess played on his fear about that, I think, somehow affecting his mind in a way so that his uncertainty and self-doubt were magnified. I think her intention was to have him feel like she was the only one who would understand him, that he could never be happy with me.
She underestimated the depth of his love for me though. Instead of switching his allegiances, her games merely tore him apart inside. Because, just like I am out of balance, incomplete, without him, he is exactly the same way without me. She made it so that he couldn’t believe in me the way he wanted to, and he almost lost himself, which resulted in the very brief moment where he actually wanted to let Lonnie and Rath kill him.
I still shudder when I think about the instant I woke up in that motel room, the knowledge that Max was about to let go, that he was about to leave me, running through my veins. It catapulted me out of that bed and out into the parking lot, just in time to see the sheriff shoot down Isabel and Michael’s evil duplicates.
But, after Tess was gone, my Max was back. I have never had any reason to doubt that he is secure in the knowledge of who is he now, have never felt that he is uncertain of me or that we belong together. Where before he clung to me like a life-line, had depended on his love for me to make sense of his existence, after the epiphany of that morning he has flourished into the leader he was always meant to be.
All because he now knows completely that I love him. With her gone, he is again free to feel like he deserves it. It is a wonderful thing.
So, then, you ask, what the heck is going on with us? Why aren’t we together?
Well, it’s very easy to explain actually. Simply put, once Max was completely freed from Tess, once we both knew that this was it, that we were going to be together forever, all we wanted to do was come together in the one way we knew that we weren’t ready to do. If we had been ready to make love before Tess died, after…well, let’s just say, things became frustrating in a way that is almost beyond even my own comprehension.
It’s not fair to know that the instant you are with the person you most want to be with in the world, you are going to become a parent to the savior of two worlds, particularly when neither of you feels at all ready for that responsibility.
Because we did have other things to worry about at that point. It wasn’t even really the fact that we were so young, although that was a factor. It was just that neither of us wanted to bring Serena into a world that wasn’t entirely secure. And until we found Sean, the new world we were building, without the luxury - and curse - of being able to change it because the granolith was gone, would not be safe. I had the gut instinct that Sean was an important cog in the way things were meant to play out - that without him, Serena would never become who she was meant to be.
I have not forgotten that Serena and Sean are going to be important to each other one day. We need to save him, need to have him raised properly by the Valentis, need him the person he is meant to be - for our daughter’s sake.
It is sheer irony that, because of the decision that Max and I have made - not to be together until Sean is found - on top of everything else, if we don’t find him, Serena might never exist. Because none of us expected what happened next. We had forgotten that the dupes weren’t our only enemies and we are still paying the price of that today.
After Lonnie and Rath were killed, the four aliens of my close acquaintance dealt with their bodies and then we hit the road, heading directly north to Ontario, Canada. I knew exactly where Tess was hiding after all, having lived through the search for her and Max in that other life. And, if she was dead, then that meant that Sean, a brand-new baby, was all alone, and that his life was in serious jeopardy.
How was I to know that I had forgotten one important detail from that other life?
By the time we got there, it was too late. Tess was not alone in that cabin in the woods. Nicholas had joined her there as soon as she gave birth to Sean, waiting for Lonnie and Rath to bring Max to them. I don’t know whether Tess contacted him, or whether he simply found her, but in the end, it made no difference. He was there when Tess died, and he took Sean with him when he left. He had no way of knowing that the baby wasn’t Max’s after all. He still believed that Tess’s child was the heir of the king of Antar and, in that capacity, was an important tool he could use to control Max.
Even if Sean isn’t Max’s son, that’s exactly what Nicholas has done for the past two years. Because Sean Valenti is an innocent baby, is the child of one of our closest friends, and is the grandson of our greatest ally. Max will not rest until he finds him. And we will not risk conceiving our daughter while Nicholas is still out there to threaten her as well.
So, in the end, nothing’s really changed at all from that other life. Although Max and I have new knowledge, and are more in control of what is going to happen in the future where our daughter is concerned, until the baby Tess bore is found, we are stuck in limbo.
Our senior year was a disaster. Although Valenti did his best to keep us all in school, going out on searches for Nicholas and Sean himself, or with Isabel since she had already finished, it was a rare occasion that Max or Kyle let him get away with it and, more often than not, they joined him. Both guys barely graduated and the Evanses almost lost their minds with worry over how irresponsible their son was becoming. It was almost funny, because Max was, of course, about as far from irresponsible as a teenager could get, but we couldn’t really blame them.
In the end, they were told the truth. There was really no other choice. They took the news as well as Isabel always expected they would. Max was a little befuddled and shocked by the whole thing actually. He hid such a huge part of himself from them for so long, it is really hard for him to open up to them completely, but it is happening, slowly but surely. With the Evanses’ support, life became a lot easier though, at least for Max and Izzy.
My parents and Maria’s mom were another story. They could not be told and, as a consequence, Maria and I had to stay in school and behave. I did not want to give my parents any reason at all to forbid me from seeing Max - my mother was already suspicious enough of him after the way we had brutalized each other emotionally throughout our junior year. We had cornered the market on angst after all, and if I thought my parents hadn’t noticed, I was completely wrong, or so they informed me after we returned from our first "camping" trip with Valenti with Max and I were so clearly back together.
So I did what I was supposed to do. I kissed Max good-bye whenever he left on one of his trips with the Valentis and Isabel. Michael and Ava usually stayed in Roswell with us, as protection. Max knew that Nicholas would absolutely love to get his hands on either Maria or me. The lengths to which he would go to hurt Max became more than evident through the games he was playing with Sean. Max wasn’t risking me, no matter how often I told him I’d be fine. I would have preferred that Michael and Ava were with Max and Isabel, making them as strong as possible should they actually find Nicholas.
But Max also wanted Michael to graduate, more concerned, as always, about his friends than himself. It ticked Michael off, big time, but, because of that connection, he also knew how important it was to Max, and so he dealt with it. And, since I understood that side of Max all too well too, I finally gave up arguing. Max promised that he would call for back-up as soon as they found Nicholas and I chose to believe him.
Anyway, while Max and I were apart, the sex thing obviously wasn’t an issue. I tried to deal with how much I missed him by immersing myself in my studies. I ended up at the top of our class again and even got into Harvard, my first dream - the one that had been replaced by Max - becoming a reality in spite of everything. So that was a good thing.
But when Max was home…it was becoming more and more difficult to resist what our bodies - and our hearts - really, really wanted us to do. We both felt like the time we found the orb, although double, even tripled. We even began to wonder if something alien wasn’t at work - something that was trying to make sure that Serena was born. The fact that I got into Harvard made it even more important to Max that we wait though. He almost wanted me to go there more than I did, and we both knew that a baby would end that idea, mainly because, until Sean was found, Max was not going to be around to help me at all.
Which pretty much brings you up to date. Not much has changed, really, although Maria and I moved to Boston in the fall after we graduated. She is working on her music, and I’m studying organic chemistry at the top university in the country, just like I always wanted to. And we are both miserable. Because, now that we are safely anonymous in Boston, Max is letting Michael and Ava join him and the others, which means that, more often than not, Maria and I are alone. And, since they don’t want Nicholas to know where we are, they can’t visit as often as we would like. They generally return to Roswell between trips, and investigate from there.
While I miss Max more than I can even explain, in some ways, it’s a relief that we barely see each other. Because we are both literally tortured when we’re together, unable to connect with each other completely, and unable to fulfill our destiny. It doesn’t mean that I’m not aware of him all the time though. Sometimes, when I’m alone in my bed at night, I can even reach out and touch him through the connection that is unique to our relationship. We are soul mates and, as such, our souls will find each other anywhere and often do, reminding us that we will be together someday, that it is only a matter of time, that as soon as our last enemy on Earth is dealt with, it will happen.
Nicholas still has Sean, who is now almost three years old, and with every photograph sent to taunt us, we can see how much he is starting to resemble Kyle, now that we know to look for it. His golden curls are all Tess though. I know that it pains Kyle to think about her. I think, deep down, he still loves her, in spite of it all, which totally sucks for him. I think it increases his determination to find his son. He was able to find something good in Sean’s mother, something to love, and he wants to make sure that her one legacy remains untarnished, innocent. Which is a supreme irony because, had Tess lived, her son would have turned out about as far from innocent as possible. We all know it. We met him after all.
But there had to have been something good in even that Sean - the one who returned with the granolith and helped Tess kill Alex. My daughter loved him in their timeline - he was not all bad, only tainted by his association with Tess and Khivar, and by his unwarranted hatred of Max, who he believed to be his father. I can’t feel sorry for him. He might not have killed Alex outright, but he certainly helped Tess control him, and there is no doubt that he is the one who mindwarped those flashes of Max and Tess together that so devastated me. But I can sort of understand where he was coming from. I know that if Kyle and his father ever get a chance to raise him, he will be an amazing man. I could see the potential even in the Future Sean who almost destroyed Max and me, the Sean who hadn’t wanted to kill me, but truly felt like he had no choice.
Our daughter loved him. And he loved her. I don’t know for certain that this will be the case in this life, but I know that they do need each other. Because they will be the same, both children of the union of human and alien. My daughter will not be alone if Max finds Sean, if Kyle gets to raise him.
But first they have to find him. And, until they do, nothing will ever turn out like it should.
Which is why I know absolutely that Max is nowhere in the vicinity of Boston, and that I am imagining things. I think I am somehow letting my loneliness take over, that I am somehow connecting with Max over the great distance that separates us. It’s making me feel like he’s near, but I know he’s not, and I have to stop moping. I have a paper due in two days, after all, and one of the things that makes Max the most happy is that I am succeeding at Harvard, that I am building a future for both of us, even if he is presently stuck dealing with his past.
I sigh again, flopping back on the bed to stare up at the ceiling. I know that I should head right back to my computer, but I am suddenly too exhausted to even contemplate it.
It is in that exact instant that Maria, who is somewhere else in the apartment, shrieks.
My heart instantly enters my throat. My first thought is that Nicholas has found us. I remember how ruthlessly he killed me in that other life, willing to do anything to hurt Max. I don’t doubt he will do it again.
I have to fight. I can’t let him do this to Max. I cannot let him make it so that my daughter is never born.
I glance at the window, wondering if I can somehow maneuver myself onto the fire escape if I go through it.
But I can’t leave Maria. I cannot leave my best friend. But I can’t go rushing out there either.
I need a plan. And to accomplish that, I need to know exactly what I’m dealing with.
I carefully make my way over to the bedroom door, cracking it open. I can barely see anything through the tiny opening, but I frown slightly when I realize that that one shriek from Maria is all I have heard. I am sure that if she was really in danger, she would have tried to warn me somehow…
I suddenly hear her again. I think she’s laughing.
I pull open my door completely, just in time to see Michael kiss Maria so hard he actually lifts her off her feet. He is walking backward towards my best friend’s bedroom, and the door slams behind them as they go find a little privacy.
This can only mean one thing. They found Nicholas. They have Sean. Because neither Michael…or Max… were going to come anywhere near us here, were not going to allow Nicholas to follow them here, were not going to put us in danger until that happened.
I can feel my heart starting to pound in anticipation. I actually feel light-headed.
I slowly turn towards the main door to the apartment and there he is. Tears instantly fill my eyes. I can’t stop them now and I don’t even care anymore.
His dark eyes are suspiciously bright too. They are practically devouring me and I can feel his need for me right down to my toes through the connection that is always strong between us, even when we aren’t trying. My knees are actually becoming weak. I thought that was just a romance novel cliché, but it is actually happening to me.
"Hi." His velvety voice sends a shiver down my spine.
"Hi." I take a tentative step towards him, just as he does the same. "Is he okay?’
"He’s fine. Nicholas didn’t hurt him. He knew that Sean was more useful to him safe."
"Where’s Nicholas now?"
Max’s eyes darken slightly. "Dead." The tone of this one word confirms to me that Max feels guilty about it, but that there was really no other choice. "We almost didn’t do it. Valenti wanted it though. He’s not going to risk Sean again."
"He was evil, Max. You don’t have to regret it."
"Yes, I do," Max replies. "Or they win. But it’s really okay, Liz. It’s finally over."
"Until Khivar comes," I remind him quickly.
He sighs. "Right. Until Khivar comes. But that’s years from now."
I smile slightly, knowing that he is right. "And we’ll be ready."
He knows instantly what I’m telling him. I see it on his face, in the love that is shining from his beloved eyes.
We will be ready because our daughter, our Serena, is meant to defeat him. But, first, we get to make her.
We have waited long enough. I am more than ready to be with him, in every way, and it is going to happen tonight.
"I’ll never leave you again, Liz."
"I know it. And I’ll never leave you," I promise, remembering how I left him all alone in that other life, how he raised our daughter by himself, how little meaning his existence had without me. I understand completely, because it was exactly how little mine would have without him.
He is only a step away now, but he still doesn’t touch me, as though he can’t quite believe that this is happening. I don’t blame him. I feel exactly the same way.
He raises one tentative hand, and brushes a hair behind my ear. It is so reflective of that first night we knew how we felt about each other, that night after he had healed me and we worked together to throw Valenti off his trail, it makes me smile. "Are you completely sure? You’re so busy with school. We’re taking a risk here."
"We’ll manage." And I know that we will. Because together we can do anything. "I love you. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life." It’s actually almost scary how true this is. This boy - this man - is all mine and I am ready to show him how lucky it makes me, how proud I am that he loves me, how completely happy we will be together.
His eyes darken again, this time with love, rather than pain. He leans down and gently brushes a kiss across my lips, sending fire shooting through my veins. I bring my arms up around his neck, pulling him with me into my bedroom. He reaches behind him, slamming the door in much the way Michael did to Maria’s only moments ago. I barely notice. I am already completely lost in him, in how much I love him, in how right this feels.
Because it is right. We are meant to be.
I don’t think I even have to tell you what happens next. I think you already know. Because, in spite of the fact that we are going to still face a lot of stuff over the next few years, alien and otherwise, there is really only one way a love story like ours can turn out.
We live happily ever after.
The End
Sins of the Father (CC,M/L,TEEN) (Complete)
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