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Chapter 10
Did I ever mention that fact that I think Christmas sucks and it’s way too overrated? Because I do. I mean seriously, it’s just an excuse for women to shop and rack up high credit card debt under the false pretense that they simply wanted to get you something special.
Bullshit. Women love to shop and they love to spend money plain and simple.
Now that I have that off my chest, ask me what I’m doing right now? Come on guess.
Refer to my previous statement above. But it gets better; I have Michael, Zan and Kyle with me. This should be really interesting, no?
We don’t know shit about shopping for Christmas presents. And I’ll be the first one to step up to the plate and admit that last year I had my mother and sister shop for Liz. You’re all probably thinking of how terrible that is, and I know it is, but what was I supposed to do? If I shopped for her the present would have sucked ass. And I love the girl. I couldn’t get her a crappy present.
Oh, so you’re probably wondering why I decided to shop this year. That’s simple. I wanted to do it for her. I wanted to show my wife how special she is and how much I appreciate her.
Okay! Okay! I’m lying through my teeth. The real reason why I’m doing it is because my mother and sister told me that they wouldn’t do it. Don’t look at me like that! I’m just worried that I’ll fuck up the present and then she’ll cry and I’ll have to deal with her hormones.
I’m scared of them lately. Seriously, she’s almost four months along and they just get worse by the day.
“Hey Max, so how much money are you planning to blow today?” Michael asks as he hops in the back seat.
“I have no idea, but whatever I get it better be great.”
“Great! That means we’re gonna be in that mall for hours, or days even. Oh God! Max please say it ain’t so.” I have to roll my eyes at Kyle’s dramatic take of the situation.
It will not be that bad! Right?
****
“Oh this is crazy! It’s been four hours! Four!” Does everyone thing I’m deaf today? I have to wonder only because everyone keeps yelling at me.
I know it’s bad that its been four hours, as Kyle has pointed out, and I have no present. Can you believe it? This is just insanity. I’ve been in every single store this mall has to offer and not a damn thing is calling out to me.
Wait! Did I just say ‘calling out to me’? See what shopping does to a man? It makes him weak and I am not weak.
“Danger Max Evans!” Michael turns around and stops dead in his tracks.
“What?”
“It’s Liz.”
“What?! Where?” I take a few steps back, only to find Liz and her sister having lunch in the food court. Now why is she here when she specifically told me she would be sleeping? Hmm, I wonder if I should…
“Let’s get the hell out of here.” Zan starts to drag me away and I try to fight him but then Michael and Kyle join in.
“Wait, I just want to see her real quick.”
“Oh please, first you take us shopping now your getting all mushy and shit. It’s not becoming Max. You are a man, start acting like one.” Am I really that bad? I look at my friends faces and I see that, I really am that bad.
“Fuck this, we need to do some seriously manly shit right now. Let’s go.” I make my way towards the entrance of the mall. This shit stops today.
“That’s what I’m talkin’ about.” Zan agrees with a nod of his head.
****
“You know Max, I think there is still some hope for you.” I whip my head to the side.
“Just what the fuck does that mean?”
“It means, lately you’ve been all about Liz. Liz this and Liz that. No time for the fellas.” Michael is obviously already drunk and it’s only five in the evening.
I take a quick swig of my beer before nodding my head; obviously I’m just as drunk.
“That’s what I’m talking about. I need to keep things real.” Kyle nods and Zan stands up.
“You know what I think?”
“What?” We all ask, slurring very badly at this point.
“I say we go to Max’s place and watch the football game that’s coming on.”
“Hell yeah!” We all say again. At this point obviously we can’t think for ourselves.
“Wait!? Why my place?”
“Cause, Sarah will kick my ass and because we don’t have much furniture left.”
“Yeah, Max. Tess will kill me if I get home drunk in the middle of the day.” I turn to Michael because he has to have a better idea.
“Sorry man, Maria…Joshua…no can do.”
“Well smart asses, how do you suppose we get there?” We are all too piss ass drunk to drive.
“I don’t know. Think of something.” Michael says. Boy what great friends I have, don’t you think?
Let me step away from the situation for a minute. We are drunk. My wife has hormones coming out of her eyes like little laser beams, which always seem to be directed at me. And they want me to go back to my place, with her and her hormones? They must be crazy.
“Hell no! Do I look stupid?” I ask and suddenly everyone is silent.
“Fuck you all! Walk home!” I say stumbling from the stool and pulling out my cell phone.
“Hey! Who you calling?” Zan asks stumbling a little and holding onto my shoulder. Kyle and Michael end up holding onto Zan. Why do I get the feeling that this is bad?
****
“So what did you say to get us a ride?”
“I just said we needed a ride.” Did that make sense? Oh well if it didn’t.
“Oh there…oh shit! We’re dead!”
“What are you talking about?” We are all standing outside of the bar, leaning against my truck. We all whip our heads around in time to see…Oh shit is right!!
I’m dead!
“Hey baby.” I try to say but it’s hard to keep my voice steady and stand up straight at the same time.
“Don’t hey baby me. Max are you drunk?” My wife screeches out and maybe it’s me or the alcohol induced haze, but she sounds kind of nasally.
“Of course not! What do I look like?” At this point I have no idea if what I’m saying even makes sense, but I have one mission.
Don’t piss off the wife.
“It looks like you’re drunk. That you’re all drunk,” she says while getting out of the car and then I see just who is inside of it with her.
“Fuck!” I hear Michael hiss out from behind me.
“No, Michael that is not the word you are gonna hear coming from my mouth tonight.”
“Maria! Could you please not share those details?” Liz hisses out and all of us guys just double over laughing.
“Baby…I’m sorry…I….”
“Get in the car Guerin.”
“Maria…”
“In!” He mumbles a ‘yes’ before making his way over to the car.
Liz is still staring a hole through my head; it doesn’t look so good for me right now. But she can’t be that upset, right?
“Max Evans, what are you waiting for? Get in the truck.”
“Liz…”
“In. Now. Max!” Well alrighty then…I retract my statement.
It looks like things could get really bad.
“What are you guys looking at? Get in!” I see Kyle and Zan stumble over each other at the sound of Liz’s raised voice.
That’s my girl, she knows how to be so demanding when she wants. Damn, I forgot just how horny drinking makes me.
****
“Come on Liz, just a little kiss.”
“Get away from me! You’re drunk. You were supposed to be shopping for Christmas and you got drunk instead.” She’s hurt I can tell, but forgive me if I just can’t bring myself to care right now. I have one word, Corona.
“Liz, I’m so sorry. I just…it was so frustrating because I don’t know what to get you. I want it to be perfect.” I try to be sincere and a big part of me is, the other part of me wants in her panties.
I’m such a guy…deal with it!
“Max, that is so sweet. But you’re not off the hook.”
“I love you,” I whisper out in her ear.
“I love you, too. Now tell me why you got drunk.”
“Uhm…well I got drunk because…well…” What the hell should I say? She’s looking at me with those laser beams again.
“I…”
“You…” She waves her hand in the air for me to elaborate. Too bad I can’t form one solid thought.
“I was just afraid of disappointing you. You’re pregnant with our babies and I wanted your present to be so special and meaningful, and I just couldn’t find it after hours. Hours Liz! Do you know what that amount of time shopping does to a guy?” She stifles a laugh. Go Team Evans! I’m so getting some after this.
“So you wanted it to be special?”
“Yes,” I mumble out as I pull her flush against my body. She’s so warm and I can feel the swell of her stomach.
“Max, you know that no matter what you get me it will be special because you picked it out,” she says as she wraps her arms around my neck. I can’t help it I run my hands up her back and attack her lips at that moment.
“Max!”
“What?” I rear back, did I do something wrong?
“The windows are open,” she points to a place behind her shoulder. Well I’ll be damned; the sliding glass window is open. What was her point?
“And you’re point?” I ask this time lifting her in my arms and I guess it’s pure determination but I manage to get us over to the couch without dropping her.
“We…can’t…oh God!” she moans out as I kneel before her and slide my hands up her skirt. I quickly pull her tiny white panties down her trim legs.
“Yes? You were saying?” I’m not really paying attention to her at this point, instead I’m focusing on her wet pink center, and she’s going to taste amazing of this I have no doubt.
I lean in and just as my tongue sneaks out for a taste…the phone rings?
“Max, get up.”
“What? Why? Liz, I was just starting to get to the good shit.” I say making my move again, but her hand yanking at my hair stops me.
“Ow! I love it when you get all rough.” I growl out but she’s gone already? Damn reflexes!
“Hello?” I hear her say as I slump onto the couch. Suddenly, I’m very tired.
“Oh I know! I thought the same thing! Did you see …” Oh great, why do I have a feeling this is going to be a long conversation? I’m sure she won’t notice if I close my eyes for just a moment…
TBC…