Chapter 20
“What are you doing here, Maria?” he asked without preamble though his voice was weary and quiet rather than upset or bothered by her presence. She didn’t think she would have been able to handle it if he was angry with her. Thinking about it now, maybe she had been rash in her decision but then again, she hadn’t been thinking with her head at the time.
“I guess your girlfriend told you that I stopped by” Maria replied, coolly and stepped around him to the corner where her discarded clothes lay. Suddenly feeling a little self conscious, she grabbed a sweater and pulled it over the simple white tank she wore. “You can tell her that she doesn’t have to worry. I’ll be gone in the morning” she explained before turning indifferent hazel eyes back to Michael.
“My girlfriend?” he asked, seeming genuinely puzzled, giving Maria the impression that he wasn’t dating the woman, merely sleeping with her.
“Girlfriend… girl you’re… with, whatever” she added flippantly before he had a chance to elaborate on what his relationship with the other woman was. “Either way, it doesn’t matter” she shrugged but didn’t completely convince Michael of her indifference.
“That still doesn’t answer my question” Michael stated. “I didn’t ask when you were leaving, I asked what you were doing here” he persisted and crossed his arms across his chest. The look he gave her was stubborn and familiar. He used it as a silent way of saying ‘I don’t believe you.’ She knew it just as well as he did and decided she didn’t have much more to lose. Why not tell him the truth?
“Alright” she conceded. “I came here to see you.” Her tone gave the impression that it was no big deal but her eyes gave her away. They were open, expressing the apprehension he knew she felt. Briefly, he took pleasure in knowing that he could still read her. Despite his outwards appearance, he was glad to see her; he just wasn’t quiet ready to open back up to her until he knew that she was certain about her feelings for him.
“Was there a problem at the gallery or something?” he queried and watched, with a small sense of satisfaction, as a small glint of fire lit in her eyes. He wanted her angry, wanted to see her passion because it would be the only way she would ever admit anything to him. Anger was her outlet and he preferred it much more than the cool looks and frosty comments. He always had.
“No” Maria returned, realizing that he wasn’t going to make things easy for her. Then again, she didn’t deserve easy, certainly not after the hard time she gave him. “I just… just wanted to see you.”
Taking the answer and leaving it for now, Michael’s features softened as he gently took her hand in his. A part of him admitted that he was surprised she let him. “What about your mom. How’s she doing?” he quietly asked and watched her face transform before him. Obviously he missed a lot and really wanted to sit with her and hear all about it.
“She’s better. She’s in AA now and taking things one day at a time” Maria softly smiled.
“So I guess things are better between the two of you” he surmised, logically, and received a small nod from Maria in response. “I’m glad to hear it. You deserved to get your mom back and I guess if she’s working hard at it, she deserves to get you back too.”
“What about you?” she asked, boldly. “Do I deserve to get you back?” she wondered, momentarily catching him off guard. Her inquiry had been the last thing he expected, especially after several minutes of beating around the bush. Unfortunately, she took his silence as rejection and pulled her hand a way. “I’m sorry. You have a girlfriend and I’m not being fair” she apologized and desperately tried to hold back the tears that came with an onslaught of sadness.
“Why would you want me back?” Michael asked, again pushing back her comment about his girlfriend. “You made it pretty clear back in Roswell that you didn’t want me. Why are you here now? What changed?” he queried and watched a myriad of emotions pass across her features. He expected words, some sort of explanation but received none. Instead, Maria walked towards her suitcase and retrieved the leather journal.
“A lot of things changed since you left” she commented, staring down and studying the book that had finally given her some much needed closure. “This is one of them” she added and paused for only a moment before handing it to him.
Curiously, Michael took the book and flipped through a few pages before returning to the first one.
My Dearest Maria,
I know that you’re too young to understand any of this now but I hope that one day, when you’re older, you’ll be curious enough about me to read through this. Seems kind of contradictory, I know. On one hand I almost hope that you grow to hate me, in which case this book will never find its way to your hands. The other half of me is hoping and praying that your anger will never be enough to own the title of hate.
If you’re confused right now, that’s okay. Just keep reading and you’ll eventually understand everything. I won’t promise that I’ll always have something good to say but I promise that everyday, I’ll at least have something to say.
I conclude this first letter to you with my love. Despite everything that my behavior might lead you to believe, I love you and your mother very much. Things will change and they’ll continue to change, but my love will be the one constant. Please don’t ever doubt that.
<center>With love,
Dad.</center>
“He um… he was sick” Maria murmured so quietly that her voice was almost lost in the storm’s noise that drifted in through the door and windows. “And to make a long story short, he left because he didn’t think he was going to make it and wanted to spare my mom and me the pain of seeing him get sick and eventually…he just… he didn’t make it” she explained, closing her eyes in pain as the words she spent a night reading, echoed in her head.
She didn’t expect it but she welcomed the feel of Michael’s arms around her body as he held her close. He was warm and familiar. Maria knew she should push him away, he was taken now, but when she raised her hands, they grabbed the material of his shirt and pulled him closer instead.
Michael came willingly and tightened his hold when she began to shiver as sobs racked her body. “Shh…” he quietly soothed with a gentle whisper against her ear. “I’m here” he promised and gently sifted his fingers through her soft, sandy tendrils.
Maria wanted to believe him but knew that while he was there now, he wouldn’t always be. He had someone and Billy was right. She was going to end up alone and it would be no one’s fault but her own. It was that realization that caused Maria to finally take a step back and put some much needed distance between her and Michael.
“Can I ask you something, Maria?”
“Sure” she nodded, accommodating his request though the question he asked filled her with confusion and surprise.
“When are you finally going to stop pushing me away?” Michael wondered, pinning her with an intense stare. At the baffled look she shot him, he pushed on, voicing all the questions that had filled him since his phone conversation earlier that evening. “Why did you come here if you just wanted to keep putting up walls between us? Weren’t there enough for you with more than fifty miles between us?” he questioned, wearing a pained expression.
“When am I… how dare you?” Maria erupted. “Do you think I’m just gonna fall into bed with you and forget that you have that blonde… person, waiting for you to come home? Do you really believe that of me?”
“Do you really believe that of me?” he quickly retaliated. “How could you accuse me of wanting to sleep with you if I had a girlfriend, which by the way, I don’t” he spat with more anger than she had ever seen him express. “God, Maria… do you remember my agent, Rath?” he asked and refused to continue until she nodded in acknowledgement. “Well that woman you saw was his wife, Ava. She’s staying at my place because their four year old son got the chicken pox and she’s never had them before” he stated in explanation while Maria’s mind reeled.
“But… she looked like she had just gotten out of bed… she was wearing your shirt” Maria spouted, trying to grasp onto something that would explain her natural assumptions.
“What shirt?” Michael questioned, equally as confused.
“Metallica” she muttered simply as she thought back to her earlier encounter.
“Rath and I have the same taste in music” Michael shrugged. “It was probably his shirt. As for just getting out of bed, she probably had. She’s a lawyer and has been working round the clock on her latest case” he informed though there was one other thing he needed to clear up before he stopped and waited for her to make a decision. “And just in case you were wondering, while she’s staying at my place, I’ve been staying with Rath. I had the pox when I was a kid so it wasn’t a big deal for me.”
Maria listened, hearing his words and his voice long after he had stopped talking. “I’m sorry that I… assumed, what I did” she apologized though it didn’t seem to faze him. She wondered if there would ever be a time when her voice, or specifically, her words, didn’t hurt him. “It’s just that I was so… nervous and… excited about seeing you. I thought my heart was going to leap out of my chest” she admitted with a nervous laugh. “But when the door opened and… and that beautiful woman was on the other side of it I just… my head stopped working and my heart took over. All my heart felt was… sadness and hurt.”
He showed no outward appearance of what he was thinking and that unnerved Maria more than she cared to admit. The funny was, as soon as that thought floated through her mind, another quickly replaced it. If he was being difficult now, it wasn’t that she didn’t deserve it. More often than not, she was difficult and rarely, if ever, made things easy on him. Now, it seemed only fair that he was giving her the same treatment.
Deciding it was time to lay everything out on the line, Maria took a deep breath and just start talking. She invited him to sit and told him all about her visit with Angela and her confusion over whether or not to tell Amy the truth. Maria explained her mother’s recovery as well as her own.
He didn’t say much, just sat there listening to her words. His expressions and mannerisms were what did the talking, showing sympathy, amusement and understanding at all the appropriate times. He made her feel comfortable and as a slew of words fell from her mouth, she slowly began to heal.
“Can I ask you something?” Michael wondered once she had uttered her last explanatory sentence.
“Of course” Maria invited with baited breath.
“You asked if you deserved to get me back” he stated, wearing a thoughtful look as he refused to release her eyes from his gaze. “You said that your heart hurt when you saw Ava and thought she was my girlfriend. And um… if I put those things together, it sounds like you want for us to give our… previous relationship, another shot. Is that really what you want?” he asked, finally getting to the question.
“Would you consider it, if it was what I wanted?” Maria countered and saw the frustration etch his features at her question. Conceding, she quickly amended, “Yes, it’s what I want. I guess the big question now is whether or not it’s what you want” she murmured.
“You’re wrong” Michael stated in no uncertain terms. “That isn’t the big question. It’s what would be different this time around” he explained. “Would you still try to push me away when things got difficult? Would you still shut yourself off from me? Would we be able to get past this emotional road block we kept finding ourselves facing? Will it be any different than before?” he asked, intending to make a point and hoping that he didn’t sound like a jerk for doing it.
“I want to promise you that things will be different… better. I want, so much, to be the girlfriend you deserve but the truth is, I don’t know. I can’t predict what will happen or won’t happen. All I can do is try but I want to. I want to try and make things right between us. I want you in my life and I’ll do whatever I can to make that happen.”
It was the truth, minus the sugarcoating. Neither of them needed false hope or empty promises, they had both had enough of that over the years to ever want it again.
“I want another chance with you Michael. Now my question for you, is whether or not you’re going to give it to me” Maria asked, watching his face for some answer in either direction. Her heart raced and her palms shook, waiting for a sign that maybe she had been wrong all the years before. Maybe she did get the prince and the happily ever after ending.
Maybe she did deserve forever.
