Bulletproof... (Logan,LoVe, Adult) DEAD AND BURIED

[Applebylicious]

Title: Bulletproof...I Wish I Was
Author: Lindsay
Pairing/Character: Logan/Veronica, Logan-centric.
Rating: NC-17 (Adult)
Summary: A look at an alternate season two. What if Logan had been the one to turn away from Veronica?
Spoilers/Warnings: Up to Leave it to Beaver. Some things that have occurred during season two will remain the same; others will be slightly different. Some dark issues such as child abuse and rape will be explored.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author's Note: This is my first shot at a full-length Veronica Mars fic, so any and all constructive criticism/feedback is much appreciated. There just hasn’t been enough of Logan so far this season. This is my way of rectifying that gross error. Title and song lyrics come from Radiohead.




Bulletproof...I Wish I Was

Limb by limb and tooth by tooth
Tearing up inside of me
Every day every hour
I wish that I was bullet proof


Wax me
Mould me
Heat the pins and stab them in
You have turned me into this
Just wish that it was bullet proof

So pay the money and take a shot
Leadfill the hole in me
I could burst a million bubbles
All surrogate and bullet proof

And bullet proof
And bullet proof
And bullet proof


Prologue:

He stood outside of her door, waiting.

He’d done the same thing plenty of times before, for plenty of different reasons. But none…none were like this. He ached. He trembled. And yet he felt numb. He’d come to the one place – to the one person – guaranteed to make him feel…something. Anything other than the vast emptiness that consumed him.

He heard a soft creak, felt the heat from inside against his back as he leaned against the railing. His fingers clenched into fists at the sound of her sleepy voice.

"I was hoping it would be you." There was pleasure in her tone, and he closed his eyes and momentarily basked in the knowledge that she was there, that he wasn’t still lying alone on a cold, deserted bridge.

When he didn’t respond, her voice turned questioning, and she said his name with a touch of concern. Finally, he turned slowly to face her. Her expression quickly transformed into horror as she glimpsed what had been done to him. What he’d done to himself.

"Hey, Veronica," he managed thickly, his vision blurring around him. Without thought, he reached up to wipe at his eyes, staring at his bloodstained hand in wonder. In shock, he stumbled into her awaiting arms.

"Logan," she gasped, eyes searching his glazed expression. "What happened?"

He groaned as she helped him into her home, his weakened and battered muscles protesting any and all activity while she lowered him onto the couch, cradling his head in her lap. He laid there in silence, staring up at the ceiling as she ran her fingers gently over his face. Searching his wounds.

"They got me on the bridge," he murmured.

"Who’s they?"

He closed his eyes, wincing as she found a bruised spot on the side of his forehead. "Ah, it was Weevil. And all the PCHers."

Her fingers stilled, then she said softly, "What were you doing there, Logan?"

He looked up at her, misreading concern for disapproval. His jaw went tight, his eyes hardened. "Having a drink?" he bit off sarcastically, ignoring the flash of pain that entered her gaze. "Well, what do you think, Veronica? I mean, you’d broken up with me. You…you accused me of killing Lilly."

He choked slightly on the last statement, and she flinched in response above him. Her lips parted, but he quickly continued, not wanting to hear whatever lame excuse she’d come up with to dismiss the fact that she had believed him capable of murder.

She grew pale as he told how he’d been balancing upon the very same bridge that his mother had jumped from; how he’d actually been pondering over doing the same thing. How Weevil and his gang had found him, how he’d stupidly taunted them and they’d attacked.

She was breathing heavily when he finished, licking her lips and staring down at him. "You’re lucky to be alive," her voice broke on the words.

He said nothing for a long moment, returning his gaze to the ceiling where he could make out a darkened water spot. "Yeah, well…that’s one way of looking at it."

She froze again, her voice rising an octave as she demanded, "What is that supposed to mean?"

"There’s more."

The shaking began again as he spoke of how he’d awoken from darkness, facedown on the concrete with numerous body wounds as a stranger called for an ambulance. She was silently crying when he spoke of finding Felix’s lifeless body beside him.

"No…but I didn’t stab him, Veronica," he whispered, tears filling his own eyes as he met her gaze. "I threw the knife in the water and I-I got in my car…and drove…"

"I believe you," she answered quickly. Too quickly.

He stared up at her. Instead of feeling relieved or vindicated by her trust in him, a rabid anger begin to claw at his insides. He sat up, ignoring the pain it caused and moved away from her. Unable to keep the bitterness from lacing his tone, he asked, "Do you?"

"Do I…?" She was obviously mystified by his question, which only made his rage grow stronger. "Logan…of course I believe you. Why wouldn’t I? You said you didn’t do it, so…I believe you."

"Since when did my word mean shit to you?" he snapped, overwhelmed by emotion as he shoved away from the couch and loomed over her shocked form. He could see his reflection in a mirror that hung overhead – wild-eyed, bloody and bruised. Torn clothing.

"Logan—" she began calmly, but he silenced her with a look.

"Don’t," he warned gruffly. "Just…don’t lie to me. Okay? Y-You thought I’d killed her! You would have turned me in…hell, you did turn me in. Would you have visited me in my cell, Veronica? Or would you have just watched them fry me from the comfort of your own home?"

"Logan, stop," she pleaded, tears splashing against her pale cheeks as she came shakily to her feet and held out her hands. "Just listen to me—"

"Oh, but I forget. I’m not eighteen yet," he laughed, a bit maniacally. "Still a minor, after all. Sorry to disappoint."

"Logan!"

"Christ, how many times have I heard it before? I want you to trust me, Veronica." He lifted his voice in a mocking falsetto imitation of her, "Oh, Logan…I do. I do." He let out a sound that scared even himself, grabbing the hair at his temples and tugging at it.

"You have to understand," she begged him, voice thick with tears as she wiped at her eyes. "I was only…I just wanted…"

"To find Lilly’s killer," he finished harshly. "No matter whose life you ruined along the way."

"Logan, that isn’t fair."

"No, what’s not fair is giving a part of yourself to someone who thinks that you’re capable of bashing in the brains of someone you cared about!" he shouted.

"What about Duncan?" she returned shrilly, holding herself about the middle. "You had no qualms about trying to pin Lilly’s death on him!"

Logan paused, allowing her words to sink inside, absorbing the truthfulness of her statement. A moment later he slumped against the wall, closing his eyes. "You’re right," he croaked. "I-I wanted it to be Duncan."

"Why?"

"Because Duncan loved Lilly. If it had been just an accident…if he’d killed her during a fit or…or whatever…at least she wouldn’t have…it wouldn’t have been…" He couldn’t complete his sentence, the horror of it all rising up inside of his throat like bile.

"Logan." Once again her voice was soft and compassionate. "Y-You’ve heard…haven’t you?"

He turned to face her, taking in her nervous countenance with grim purpose. "Aaron Echolls? Charged with murder? It's all over the radio."

As she stared at him, he caught sight of the shadow on her cheek. He wasn’t stupid – he’d heard of her escapade that night. He knew exactly who had given her the bruise that decorated her soft skin, and he was ashamed. Bitterly ashamed that the same blood ran through his own veins.

Before he knew what was happening, he was breaking down into shuddering sobs. She moved to comfort him, but he wouldn’t allow it. Not this time. Too many things had happened between them, and there was no going back.

She watched him with pleading eyes, lashes spiked with the tears that continued to fall. "Logan…please…" she whispered.

A knock sounded on the door, but neither moved to answer it. From outside, the voice of an unknown officer called out, "Open the door, Veronica. We know Logan Echolls is inside – his SUV’s parked in the driveway. Don’t make this hard."

"Leo," she murmured, meeting his gaze fearfully. "Logan, we’ve got to—"

"Let them in," Logan interrupted her wearily. "Just…let them in, Veronica."

She watched him in pained silence as the handsome deputy entered the room, brandishing a pair of handcuffs and a sympathetic expression. Logan knew the sympathy wasn’t directed at him. He remained stiff and unyielding as his hands were cuffed behind his back and his rights were read to him.

"Like father, like son, eh?" he joked, although there wasn’t an ounce of amusement present in the room. After a moment of tense silence, he sighed and added, "Go ahead, Deputy. Take me in."

"Logan," Veronica called as he was led from the apartment. "I’m going to get you out of this. I swear to you…"

He turned and found her watching him anxiously, her petite form framed in the doorway with soft, golden lamplight. "You know what, Veronica?" he managed. "Lilly may have bruised my ego. But you…you broke my heart. Damn you for that."

The last thing he saw was her expression crumpling. The last thing he heard was her choked cry as he climbed into the backseat of the police car and stared straight ahead.

And the last thing he felt, was nothing.

[Applebylicious]

Part One:



"Just look at her. Dude…who the hell does she think she is?"



Logan made a face as he studied a deep cut on his arm, due to the previous night’s escapades. Realizing that he’d need stitches soon or else subject himself to a very telling scar, he glanced up and attempted to focus on whatever the hell currently had Dick’s jocks in a twist.



His gaze came to rest on a petite blonde figure barreling through the quad. He followed Veronica’s progress with his eyes, several muscles tensing up inside of him. It was the first time he’d seen her since the night he’d been arrested for murder nearly three months ago. She’d kept her promise to get him out – pulling whatever strings out of her ass to prove he was innocent – but she’d done it without ever approaching him.



Part of him was grateful for that. That was the part that still couldn’t bear to look at her, knowing how little she thought of him. The other part of himself…the part that kept him up at night when his mind wanted to drift into dreams of soft sighs and bathroom rendezvous…well, he’d learned sufficient ways to bury those urges.



He watched in silence as she came up beside fellow senior Wallace Fennel and body-checked him, completely oblivious to his scrutiny. A bright smile stretched across her features and a pang shot through him at how happy she seemed. Obviously, she’d lost no sleep over their separation. Or wasted any time because of it.



"Seniors rule!" he overheard her growl playfully, and Wallace shot her an exasperated look. The two soon fell into deep conversation, Veronica’s smile vanishing to be replaced with a sort of suspicious surprise that Logan knew only too well. He’d seen the same look directed toward himself too many times before.



Several seconds after they’d disappeared into the school, Logan blinked and realized that Dick had been calling his name. Turning toward his gaping friend, he shook his head slightly and shrugged.



"Who cares?" he drawled in belated response, managing to affect a disinterested air, leaning casually against the hood of his car and struggling to keep his eyes away from where Veronica had gone.



Dick made a sound of disgust and continued with, "Just because she’s screwing Chunky Dunk again doesn’t mean she’s one of us, dude. I’m sick of having to see her everywhere."



Logan ignored the slam on his former best friend and focused on the rest of Dick’s statement, a sick ball curling inside of his stomach. "How do you know she’s screwing him?" he wondered, hoping to God that his voice conveyed simple boredom instead of a terrifying need to know.



"Dude. Please. She’s Veronica Mars," Dick snorted, as if that explained everything. "You know what a slut she is. Or do I have to paint you a pretty picture of Shelley’s party again?" He let out a nasty laugh, then seemed to realize that Logan wasn’t nearly amused. "Oh, man…I forgot. You dated her, didn’t you?"



"Not for long," Logan bit off, fisting his hands as he shot another dark glance toward the front step of the school. He’d heard the rumors, of course, about Duncan and Veronica’s reconciliation. In truth, he hadn’t been all that surprised. They should have never broken up, and never would have, if not for the wily machinations of Celeste Kane. Therefore, it came as no surprise that once they’d learned the truth, everything would go back to normal.



What he’d had with Veronica was the abnormality. Two people who shared nearly nothing in common, coming together the way they had? It was fucking crazy. He’d had plenty of time to realize that what they’d felt for one another had been mere lust rather than any deeper feeling. On her part, anyway. He wasn’t ready to explore the pain he’d felt when it was all over. The pain he still felt.



"So, why’d you dump her?" Dick prodded, shoving a handful of shaggy blonde hair out of his eyes and regarding Logan with a leering expression. "Didn’t put out well enough? Wouldn’t let you put it in her—"



"That’s enough," Logan snapped, already moving to flatten Dick before he could think better of it. He froze, clearing his throat and forcing himself to remain calm as he spoke from between his teeth, "Things didn’t work out. What with me being accused of murder and all."



Dick’s expression changed at his sarcastic tone, becoming sober and serious. "Dude, everyone knows you didn’t do it. It was those fucking PCHers fault. That whole trial was bullshit. I swear to God, man…if I ever see one of those fuck-faces outside of school…"



"Thanks, Dick," Logan muttered, but he couldn’t deny a slight sense of satisfaction that at least someone still believed in him. That was why he forgave Dick of all of his many other faults…he was a loyal friend, if nothing else.



Unlike some other people.



While the choice not to speak to Veronica had been his alone, it had been Duncan’s decision that had estranged him from the person who had spent nearly all of his life as his best friend. Losing Duncan’s trust had been a blow he hadn’t been prepared for; yet the Kane heir had made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with the son of the man who was responsible for the death of his beloved sister.



He’d never forget the betrayed and disgusted expression on Duncan’s face as he’d so easily cut him out of his life. Already reeling from the news of his father, Duncan’s defection had sent him catapulting into a dark abyss that he had yet to climb out from. And he wasn’t sure if he even wanted to.



He’d learned valuable lessons. He knew better now. He didn’t depend on anyone, or trust anyone. His life could best be described as a destructive orgy, and yet he couldn’t seem to care one way or another. So long as he felt nothing, all was good.



His cell phone suddenly went off, and he glanced down, reading the incoming message with a slow smile. He tapped his chin thoughtfully.



"When are you gonna tell me your big secret?" Dick whined, obviously reading his expression correctly. "Who is she, dude?"



Logan let out a low laugh, the day suddenly appearing much brighter as he ruffled Dick’s hair playfully. "Trust me, man. You don’t want to know."



"Yeah, right! Is she hot?" Dick called as he began walking away. "Logan! Tits or ass? C’mon, man..."



The bell rang and he tossed Dick a salute, heading toward his first class and all the time aware that eyes followed him everywhere he went. He caught snippets of conversations, whispered statements that attached themselves to him despite his attempts to otherwise. His jaw locked as he overheard the words "killer", freezing in his steps and looking over at a jumpy freshman. The girl scampered away with a whimper, shooting him frightened glances over her shoulder as he watched her go with dark eyes. Everyone else soon disappeared, leaving him standing alone in the hallway.



***



He stood silently as he watched the group climb onto the school bus for a field trip to the San Diego Sharks baseball field. He’d fully intended to miss this particular display, knowing that both Duncan and Veronica would be among the participants. According to plan, he would have been long gone from campus before the students ever showed.



But he’d been held back during fourth period by a teacher concerned by the events of the summer, and had been late in arriving in the parking lot. Which was why he now found himself leaning against the bus, staring desperately at the sight of Duncan smiling into her eyes, caressing her cheek and leaning in for a kiss.



Before their lips met, she happened to glance up and saw him. They both froze. Logan could feel his tongue growing thick as she pushed slightly away from Duncan, discomfort evident in her expression.



"Baby, what’s wrong?" Duncan wondered, confusion coloring his face as he played with the ends of her hair.



Before she could speak, Logan pushed away from the bus and began to saunter toward them. "Ah, young love," he drawled mockingly, meeting Veronica’s wary gaze with a tight smile. Duncan stiffened, turning to stare at him with an unreadable expression while Logan flashed his teeth.



"What are you doing here?" Duncan demanded, his grasp tightening around Veronica’s waist as he regarded Logan with subtle animosity. "I figured you and the other Jets would be rumbling with the Sharks."



"Cool it, Action," Logan responded with a cold smirk. His eyes shifted to Veronica, who remained silent. "I’m skipping last period. Places to go, women to bang…you know the drill."



She flinched, looking away. He felt gratified by her reaction, although guilt beat at his defenses when she drew her lower lip between her teeth and blinked. Forcing his eyes back to Duncan, he added, "Have fun on your field trip. I’m sure it’ll be an enlightening and life-altering experience."



"Let’s just get on the bus," Veronica broke in as Duncan began to grow irritated. Logan shoved his hands in his pockets and smirked when she grabbed Duncan’s arm and practically dragged him away. She paused before stepping onto the bus, looking back for a split-second and catching his eyes. Emotion flared up between them, and Logan swallowed against a lump of regret.



Caught up in memories of the past and latent feelings, he mouthed the words, "I’m gonna miss you," watching as her eyes widened, then filled before she quickly looked away and followed Duncan onto the bus. He drew in a ragged breath, clenching his fists as the bus began to pull away. He made his way to his car with quick, angry strides, desperate to get away from the turmoil eating at him.



The ride to the Casablancas’ home was short and afforded him no time to cool down, as he parked haphazardly in the driveway and jumped out, expression intense. He rang the bell impatiently, breathing a sigh of relief when it opened. A slow grin worked its way across his features.



"Sorry I’m late."



"You should be," she purred, pulling him inside and dipping her hands inside the waistband of his pants. "I’ve been waiting for you since Pilates. I learned all of these new stretches…I worried I wouldn’t be able to put them to good use."



Her questing fingers found him easily and he let out a soft groan. Immediately he became hard with need, but his mind remained clear and unhindered by desire. It was achingly obvious that while thrillingly sexual and adventurous, this woman wasn’t petite or blonde, or feisty or witty…



It was clear she wasn’t Veronica.



And yet, wasn’t that exactly why he’d chosen her, among other things? He stepped back, breathing hard as he took in her statuesque form, her long dark hair and teasing eyes. Her lips tilted at the corners in a pout as she rested her hands on her hips and gazed at him.



"What’s wrong?" she demanded in a slightly annoyed tone.



"N-Nothing," he managed, shaking his head. Then more forcefully, "Not a fucking thing. C’mere…"



Her irritation melted into a come-hither smile, and she scooted out of his reach, fingers playing with the hem of her robe. "Ah, ah," she murmured, turning around and giving him her back. "Upstairs. In my husband’s bed." With that, the robe fell to her feet, revealing naked skin.



He drank in the sight, several emotions vying for first place in his mind. Hearing her speak of her husband had succeeded in making him pause. Then the memory of Lilly overwhelmed him, and his made was made up. "I’m gonna make you scream for mercy," he promised, following her up the stairs.



He caught her halfway, spinning her around and capturing her lips in a heated kiss. They both moaned, hands running down bodies, divulging him of clothing as they stumbled into the master bedroom. He didn’t waste any time with foreplay, simply slammed himself inside of her with one quick stroke, catching her excited moan with his mouth.



"Yes," she hissed, throwing her head back as he strained above her, face taut with intense pleasure. "Oh, this feels so good, Logan. God!"



Do you think this…us…will ever be normal?



He froze as the unexpected words drifted through his mind, beads of sweat dripping down his nose as he held himself still inside of her wet warmth. Suddenly, the full horror of what he was doing slammed through him, and he began breathing harshly. "No," he whispered, moving again, fervently, trying to banish the images with his thrusts. "Fucking no!"



"What are you…" she trailed off on a squeal as he hit a particularly sensitive area, nails digging into his back. "Oh God, do it again…"



She fell silent as he continued to pound into her, mouth open in a soundless scream. He stared down at her, watching dazedly as brown eyes turned to blue, feeling himself beginning to sob. "No…talk to me!" he demanded fiercely, gripping her arms so hard that she exclaimed in protest.



"Hey! Watch it!"



"That’s right," he gritted out, "you’re not her…you’re not…" His voice broke; he was unable to hold off any longer as a wave of profound pleasure assailed him. Sinking into the bed, sweat-soaked and destroyed, he whispered, "Oh Christ…Veronica."



"Who?" Kendall demanded, shoving him off of her and sitting up, messy-haired and wild-eyed. "Who the hell is Veronica?"



Logan stared in glazed shock, unable to comprehend what had just happened as he watched Dick and Beaver’s stepmother leave the bed in a fit of righteous indignity, pausing at the vanity table to grimace over her appearance.



Had Lilly ever felt like this? Somehow he doubted it. Lilly saw sleeping with an older man – his father – as a sort of adventure. Logan saw it as retribution. Penance. The price he had to pay, knowing that he deserved no less than to beg for the favors of someone who would never belong to him.



"Look, I’m sorry," he began, then was distracted by the news ticker on the television Kendall had just turned on. He watched in shock, then dizzying horror as the footage showed the remnants of a school bus sinking into the depths of the ocean.



The same bus he’d stood and watched Duncan and Veronica board a mere hour earlier.