Author: Me
Kippy1932@aol.com Rating: TEEN
Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with the show, actors, writers, producers, network, or characters in Roswell. I only wish I did.
Summary: With everyone faced with important decisions about their future and where all their lives are headed, Max fears he's made the wrong choice.
Category: Max/Liz
Author's Note: This is the seventh installment of this series (including in order -"Not so Secret Admirer", "Get in the Game", "The Walls Come Crumbling Down", "Walking Away", "No Rhyme or Reason", and "Learning to Live Again"). I recommend , as always, listening to the songs I put in this. In many cases they were inspiration for the writing.
The glow from the desk lamp was the only light on in the Evans house. Max Evans sat upright in front of the typewriter at his desk, hunched over and rereading the same five lines over and over. He rubbed his eyes with the back of his hand and glanced over to the digital clock briefly. Two thirty. He had been staring at this same passage, this same box for over an hour. His finger was poised over the X key on the typewriter, but he hadn't been able to push it, to check the box. His mind had been waivering back and forth all night. The University of Notre Dame. South Bend, Indiana. As far away from Roswell as he could get. He looked to the smiling picture of him and Liz taken the last day of Junior Year. It also meant being as far away from Liz as he could get. He knew what schools she was looking at and considering. But she hadn't nearly narrowed down her search as much as he had. She didn't even know Max was looking at Notre Dame. He had mentioned it in a conversation once or twice, and more often than not he wore a Fighting Irish hat atop his head. But Liz had no idea. He had thrown Georgetown and Providence around in his listing of colleges too. Colleges close to Liz, colleges often the same as Liz. And that's what she thought.
He knew it was binding. If he were to check the box on the application in front of him then his future would be determined. It meant he was going to Notre Dame, but for him binding had more meanings than one. It meant he was committing himself to a place where he knew Liz wouldn't be. And that he was okay with it.
Max sighed loudly and ran his hands through his short dark hair and he pulled out the application from the typewriter reading it over. His application was impeccable. Twelve straight quarters on the High Honor Roll, two years of Varsity basketball - three if you counted the tryouts around the corner next week - and the captain at that. Those would have been the only things on his record had it not been for Liz. Over the years she had encouraged him to do more and more. He drew the line at Student Body President - although she had assured him he would win in a heartbeat - but as he looked down over his list of activities - he knew he owed all of them to Liz. Max sighed again and reread the sentence again. An Early Decision candidate may file regular applications to other colleges with the understanding that they be withdrawn if he or she is admitted to Notre Dame under Early Decision. No one else was undergoing the same stress that he was right now. No one else was thinking of applying early. And Max hadn't told anyone that he was. So they thought it was merely the Senior jitters that everyone else was getting. The shock and realization that their high school careers were ending. And sure, that was part of it. But he had thoughts in his head that he hadn't had since sophomore year. Confused and conflicted feelings. Ones that kept him up all night. And now it wasn't just feelings over where his relationship with Liz was progressing. Yes, that was part of it, but it wasn't everything. It was the fact that this decision determined the rest of his life.
...................................
She knew Senior year was going to be hard. The applications, the SATs, and the course load she probably shouldn't have taken on. Liz knew it was going to be hard. She just hadn't imagined that it would be quite *this* hard. She should have taken the same route as Max. AP Bio with good 'ol Ms. Hardy. It would be like their sophomore year all over again, just like he had said, and he had tried and tried to convince her to take it with him. Things had changed since that incredible, life-changing sophomore year though. Biology no longer held the appeal it once did to her and it was chemistry that claimed the title of favorite subject. The wonder of it all. An entire world, a universe even, with its own laws and forces. A universe that for so long was undiscovered.
Liz put her pen down on the desk and sighed loudly. Enough AP Chem for tonight, as absorbing as it all was to her, she could only read so much about Van der Waals forces and Hydrogen bonding . Knowing that the November air at eleven thirty at night would be chilly she grabbed her Polartec and crawled out through the window. Her eyes drifted up to the sky and the starry constellations. She knew every inch of the sky above her balcony. Together she and Max had learned them all, had wondered if maybe - past that one cluster towards the school, or that small grouping towards the highway was where he came from. Unlike Michael and Maria, Max's non-earthly status had brought he and Liz closer over the past two years instead of pulling them apart. The visions they shared and their hearts that beat in perfect synchronozation, the way Max was able to make her glow, literally. It all just heightened every minute they were together. She sighed loudly, wishing her friend could experience the things she felt with Max with Michael all the time. Not just every other month when they were together, but all the time. Every moment Liz was with Max she gazed upwards and thanked whoever was responsible for bringing him to her. And she prayed with all her heart that nothing would take him away.
Max's eyes scanned down the list of Senior Superlatives and the answers he had written down for them so far. MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED: Liz Parker, MOST WANTED FOR BROTHER OR SISTER: Alex Whitman, MOST ATHLETIC: Kyle Valenti, BEST DRESSED: Isabelle Evans, CUTEST COUPLE:_______. Max hesitated before penning in his answer. He wanted to put down Alex and his sister, although they weren't actually a couple. He still couldn't believe his sister refused to let herself get involved with Alex. She had always had her guard up, but Michael had even moreseo and even he had given into his overwhelming feelings for Maria. Michael and Maria, he wanted to put down them too. So what if at the moment they weren't exactly together. This happened nearly every month. Max didn't even know what it was over this time, but he knew they would end up in each others arms again like always. Maria would run to Liz and shed some tears and Michael would crawl through Max's window to vent. And the next day they would be together again.
"Max, you put you and Kyle down for best friends, right?" Liz suddenly teased, popping over Max's shoulder as her eyes glanced down at the paper. He turned his head around to look at her, laughing as well. It had been a long and rocky road to friendship with Kyle Valenti, but it seemed finally that Kyle had finally put the past behind him. When he had seen Max at tryouts this year, he had even walked over to him and struck up a conversation about his summer.
“Nah, I put you and Maria down" he shrugged and Liz continued to eye the paper.
"You didn't put you and I down for cutest couple?" she gave him a look of feigned hurt as she saw the names Michael Guerin and Maria DeLuca scrawled in the blank.
”Gimme a break, Liz - it's not like the entire school isn't going to put you and Max," Maria suddenly stated flatly and Liz knew she was just upset over yet another one of Michael's outbursts, another one of his outbursts where he had insisted that they end their relationship. Poor Maria, Liz sighed to herself. She admired the fact that her friend had held so true to Michael over the past two years. He was a difficult person to deal with, especially some of the things that came out of his mouth. She looked over at Maria's tired face as the three sat in their English class-turned study hall. She knew their argument had probably been over applications. She had heard Michael talking to her yesterday in the back of the Crashdown and had only picked out bits and pieces and caught random phrases and sentences but one particular phrase continued to ring in her ears. It was Michael's voice sounding loudly to Maria. "I'm not the college type." She remembered hearing Maria plead to him to at least send in the application. She remembered Maria following him out of the Crashdown, all the while a sense of desperation in her voice that made Liz realize that maybe this argument between them was more serious than their past trials and tribulations. She remembered how Michael had thrown his hands up in her face and walked out. How he had left Maria standing there. All over those stupid applications. And the mere though made Liz stiffen up. She and Max hadn't talked much about that matter.
It was November and the stress of college was on everyone's shoulders and plaguing everyone's mind. But the topic had barely come up between them and when Liz had brought it up Max would quickly grow quiet. She figured it was simply stress. Max had college scholarships and offers coming at him from it seemed every school in the country and while she knew he had disregarded most of them his college plans were unknown to her. She knew he was most interested in the schools in the East, which coincidentally happened to be where most of the schools she was looking at were located. The Northeast. She had at least narrowed down her search to three schools: Dartmouth, Brown and Princeton. But she got a headache just thinking about the giant box underneath Max's bed, overflowing with applications and scholarships.
She looked over at Max's face now. His eyes were hidden beneath the brim of his faded Notre Dame hat. She wished she could find out what was going on in his head right now, what the look on his face meant. He looked confused and torn, almost in pain and staring blankly ahead. Seeming to realize that he had been blanking out, that she was looking at him, he turned his head to face her. And with his eyes still shaded beneath the hat, he turned his head to her and smiled. She saw more in the smile though and the thoughts that crept into the back of her mind tormented her. It was like he was hiding something behind it.
The group of athletes sauntered down the hallway in their matching blue and gold jackets, causing underclassmen and junior high students to scatter as they found themselves in the paths of the varsity athletes. Liz watched them slowly walk down the hall, finding it hard to believe that over the years Max was at the point where he could be considered 'one of them'. She watched as they plopped down into their Math room, Max right in the middle, laughing and talking amongst them, slouched deep in his seat, the Notre Dame hat lower over his brow He had decided against the purchase of a varsity jacket like the rest of them, knowing it was too much for him, although he had worn his blue and gold warmup jacket to school every now and then. Liz looked on as she observed Max's interaction with the group. It was all a facade. That's what she told herself. Seeing Max with them, gave her a troubling feeling in the pit of her stomach though. When Max went to college, wherever he went - he would be with all sorts of people. People like them maybe, people she didn't know. He'd be living a life she didn't know. The thought troubled her more than she would have liked and she glanced over at him again.
He stood out, sitting there in his khaki cargo pants and jean jacket, while the others sat donned in backwards baseball caps, loudly smacking their lips together as they chewed a wad of bubble gum. He stood out when all he could do was laugh and nod his head as they recounted the party that weekend at Scott Shriftmans. He laughed and made comments here and there, but she knew the reason he hung out with
them was because it was easier than not hanging out with them. Not to say they weren't good guys, they were just different. He could get along with them, talk with them and even blend in when he wore the warmup jacket, but he kept himself at a distance. Because it was safer that way.
Her eyes remained on Max. He had that faraway look that he had been having lately. That one that made her think his mind was always somewhere else. Max didn't even see Liz standing by the door until he lifted his head and the brim of his hat revealed her slender frame in the doorway.
"Hey," he suddenly stood up from the chair and walked over. "I was heading to your Chem class and I just...kinda ran into them," Max was quick to form an apology he didn’t even need.
"It's okay," she shook her head and waited for that faraway look to leave him. His face was still a bit hidden beneath his hat and she playfully pushed the brim higher up off his forehead, knocking it with the back of her hand. He managed to laugh slightly and leaned over to kiss her softly in welcome. That was the Max she knew. But the stares from the jacket clad boys made her uncomfortable however and she pulled away. Some of them hooted and cat called and Liz reminded herself that they were only Juniors and Sophomores. As good as they were at basketball and as smart as they were in all their advanced classes, they were still fifteen and sixteen. Max's ears turned a shade of crimson as he walked outside through the door, his arm around her.
"So, we're still on for tonight, right?" she asked casually, tugging on his shirt with a grin on her face. Her uncomfortable feelings fading now that the class of boys was no longer there watching them. Now that it was just her and Max.
"Tonight's Archie's game," Max suddenly said, a forlorn look crossing his face. "...I thought you -"
“Oh...oh yeah," Liz attempted not to appear too disappointed.
"You going to come?" Max asked, his eyebrows sloped into a frown.
"Yeah, yeah - I - I said I would.." Their conversation last week outside the gym about The UNM Lobos game began to creep back into her head.
"Do you *want* to go?" Max asked suddenly and the tone of his voice changed as that 'off' look returned to him. That was the only thing she knew to call it. Off. It was off from the Max she knew. She looked at him, a bit surprised by his sudden change in character.
"Yeah, Max I - "
"Archie thinks you’re gonna be there.."
"Yeah," Liz nodded her head. "Yeah, I'm - I'm still going. I mean - I -"
"It - means a lot to him..." Max persisted.
"Max, I'm going," Liz assured, an edge developed in her voice again and for a brief moment the two simply stood there and stared at each other. They argued all the time, like any couple. Over small matters though, what movie to see, where to go to dinner Friday night. This was different. This had an underlying tone to it that frightened her.
Max didn't treat it any different however, he just tightened his hold around her waist. The action at first startled her, and feeling his fingers grip around her so suddenly actually made her jump a bit and a shiver ran through her body at the action.
"Good," He responded shortly and Liz simply stared at Max. This wasn't why she had come to his math room. She had wanted to talk to him. To be alone tonight. But the bell rang and the two slowly broke away, leaving their problems unresolved as Liz journeyed down the hall and around to her chemistry room and Max returned to the West Roswell basketball team waiting in the math room. The boys looked at his pained expression as he stood in the doorway, almost seeming to be confused. That wasn't the way that conversation was supposed to go! Max mourned as he slowly dragged his body over to the empty desk that belonged to him. Cracks were made and they joked and kidded Max about things he didn't even hear. He simply rested his head in his hands. This whole college thing was messing things up more than he could have ever imagined. He thought back to the envelope he had sent in weeks ago. The response was scheduled to come any day now. With all his friends worrying and stressing over the application deadline in January, Max was thinking only about the notification date that was days away. God, what had he done.
The players, his 'friends', sat around him not knowing what to do. He ran his hands through his short dark hair twice, and while nobody could see his face they all could read his body language. They could see it. Max was shaking.
"Max man, y'okay?" one of the boys asked worriedly and Max simply nodded his head several times.
"Yeah, I uh..can I -" he looked to the teacher at the front of the classroom and then motioned towards the door, his voice was wavering. No sooner had Mr. Wrensen nodded his head then Max immedietly got to his feet and quickly walked out the door. The period dragged on slowly for the fifteen and sixteen year olds and they simply stared at the open book and pencil of their classmate.
Max didn't come back.
For the second time in his life Max Evans was keeping a secret. Keeping a secret that his life didn't quite depend on, but it might as well. Thinking back to the terse conversation he had had with Liz last period, Max's hands began to shake again. What had he done? How could he have sent in that envelope without even his parents knowing? This was choosing a college. The biggest decision he would make in his life for quite some time. And he was already realizing that he wasn't ready to make decisions this big or this important. He was confidant that Notre Dame was where he belonged. Since he had stepped on the campus as an eight year old boy to visit his grandparents in South Bend he had known it. But Isabelle didn't know that. His parents didn't know that. Most importantly, Liz didn't know that. He had been so secretive in his interest with the college, well except for the hat atop his head that no on really seemed to pick up on, that he had even hidden the application and mail he received from the school. But secrets weren't the way to go at all. If he had learned anything in his four years of high school that was it.
Still he couldn't bring himself to tell Liz that he was looking at a school in Indiana. That he had applied early to a school in Indiana, not Pennsylvania and Massachusetts like he had been telling her. He had been leading her on. Hell, he had been lying to her. And that was the thought that triggered the trembling of Max's hand and the beads of sweat developing on his brow. And then he would suddenly be struck with an image next year out of his own imagination. Alone in his dorm room, hundreds and hundreds of miles away from Liz, who was probably already getting along comfortably with some Ivy Leaguer. And Max quickly jumped off the counter of the boys bathroom, attempting to shake the image out of his head. He suddenly began wishing that the envelope that was scheduled to come in the mail on Thursday would be one of rejection. He wasn't ready to be away from Liz. Or Michael, or Isabelle. Or Roswell.
And suddenly Max felt his stomach lurch as he ran to the nearest open stall. And he was unable to even attempt to stop the wave of nausea that quickly swept over his body.
The crowd at the college basketball game was larger than Max would have expected and as he walked into the stadium with Liz he found himself holding onto her hand a little tighter. The day's events outside his Math classroom seemed to be forgotten, but the feelings in Max's stomach as he walked through the college arena remained. He and Liz might as well have had signs on their backs that pronounced them HIGH SCHOOL KIDS he felt so out of place, even Liz seemed to tighten her grip on his hand. Every guy that directed so much as a glance her way was met by a challenging stare from Max. The protectiveness that he felt towards her eventually began to take over him and those sickening feelings he had had earlier began to leave his body. He straightened up and broadened his shoulders, walking confidently towards their seats with Liz's hand in his. Liz looked wide-eyed around the crowded arena at the enthused college students and rabid fans.
"Who knew there were this many Lobo fans out there," Max mumbled softly what they were both
thinking.
"Yeah, I thought the Lobos weren’t that good this year..." Liz whispered, careful to keep her words out of
earshot of any of the fans around her.
"They're not." Was Max's immediate reply as he scanned for a good seat for the two of them. He wanted to get close enough so that Archie could see that they were both there. Max's eyes rested on an empty section close to the right of the pep band and snaking his arm around Liz's waist carefully walked over with her.
No sooner were they in their seats, then a blonde-haired boy in a purple and gold jacket that read PI KAPPA PHI approached Liz.
"Hey, aren't you in my English Lit class?" he asked enthusiastically, while Max looked on unamused.
"Um, no. I - I'm -" Liz stuttered, uncomfortably brushing a strand of hair behind her ear.
"Yeah - twentieth century English literature, Professor Hoffman." Liz opened up her mouth again to protest, but the persistent boy continued. "We're having a mixer after the game, you should come by," he offered with a smile. "I'm uh, I'm Jar-"
"I'm Max." Max quickly stuck his hand out before the boy could even finish his introduction. The look on Max's face told him all he needed to know and Max moved his other arm around Liz's body so that it rested comfortably around her shoulder. Liz looked down at the ground, seeming a bit embarrassed, but the challenging look on Max's face remained.
"Jared," the boy replied meekly as he dropped his hand. After looking Max up and down from up close, he quickly abandoned his quest. He had thought from afar that he could take the tall, dark-haired boy, but his mind was quickly changing. Something about the look on his face and in his eyes told him to stay away and Jared silently retreated to his seat. "I'll uh, I'll see you around." His voice rung with defeat as he backed away and Max simply stood there triumphantly with his arm around Liz.
Liz had been unnerved by the stranger's presence, but she seemed to be almost saddened at his departure as she watched him climb up the stairs back to his seat.
"Prick," Max grumbled quietly to himself as the Greek letters on the stranger's jacket finally disappeared from view. Liz quickly turned around to face Max, surprised not only by his choice of words, but his behavior in general.
"I don't know, what if he really thought I was from his class.." she said naively and Max actually laughed.
"Please, he's probably going around to every other girl right now and saying the same exact thing," he dismissed.
"You don't know that," Liz's tone grew angry and at first Max didn't say anything, he couldn't. He tilted his head and looked at her, then back up to where Jared had gone to.
“You want to go find him?" he suddenly broke the silence, challenging Liz in almost the same way he had challenged the fraternity boy. He wasn't sure why he said it. He wanted things to be right between the two of them again. He didn't like this constant arguing and bickering, the bitter tone their conversations suddenly took on. And he didn't want to be angry at Liz, but seeing her even in the same five foot radius as all these college students was making him more than jealous. It was making his head spin. If he went to one college and Liz went to another. Another hundreds of miles away then he would have no way of fending of the 'Jareds' that approached her.
The look on her face seemed to challenge him as well, almost like she was about to go find Jared when suddenly players began to jog out onto the court. Max spotted Archie, but neither he nor Liz gave him too warm a welcome. The two simply stood there in silence watching the team warm up, her arms folded across her chest and his arms down at his side. This wasn't the way this was supposed to go. It was just like their conversation outside his math room had gone. What had he done? Tonight was supposed to be fun. A real 'taste of college' like she had said on the drive down.
And that was what had his stomach in knots.
She was quiet for much of the game. More quiet than even he had been. He had made attempts at reconciliation with her; making comments here and there about the game, about Archie and seeing him play in college. She had simply nodded her head awkwardly and kept her eyes locked on the game. He could see in her face though that she was just as troubled as he was, that she wanted to make things right again. That she didn't want this awkwardness and these arguments anymore than he did. But something was stopping her and something remained on her mind. And the more and more the game progressed, the more Max needed to know what it was.
The game was exciting and Archie came off the bench only a few minutes into the first quarter and played for the duration of the game. One would never know it from the looks on Max and Liz's faces however and when the buzzer sounded and the rest of the arena erupted joyously, Liz simply began to walk towards the aisle. Max knew he couldn’t let her go like this and he grabbed her arm harshly and spun her around, forcing his mouth against hers.
And for the first time in her life, Liz pushed away from him. She pushed away with all the strength she had, tightly pressing her lips together and refusing his entry into her mouth as she wriggled away from his grasp, throwing her hands up in his face.
"No, Max!" she squirmed away from him, her voice a mixture between confusion and disgust.
Two sections above them and to the right, a blonde haired fraternity boy looked on at the young couple arguing with a contended smirk on his face. *Not so in control anymore, are you?* He thought to himself with a self-satisfied smug as he looked at Max, while his girlfriend threw her hands up in his face. He didn't like being pushed around by high school kids, especially not in front of his brothers, and looking down to the shouting couple he was happy to see that things weren’t going as well for Mr. Tall-Dark-and-Handsome as he had probably planned.
“Liz, what’s the matter?" Max finally asked and she looked at him once with a troubled face.
"You tell me.." Was her soft reply and he simply stood there with his hands at his sides as she walked away from him.
Max glanced down to a jubilant Archie on the court. He had been watching the entire time.
Hagerman was looking for revenge. Revenge for the past two years of being knocked out of the playoffs by the West Roswell Comets. More importantly by Max Evans. They looked across the court at the young West Roswell team warming up now. They were a different team now. A younger, quicker team that resembled an inner-city team more than it did small-town Roswell. Eminem was blaring out of the boom box that was set up beneath the Comets basket as the team threw hard, crisp passes back and forth to each other. It wasn't so much the team was different. Max Evans was different. There was an angry look on his face now. Different from the innocent Max Evans who they had all known the past three years. He looked angry at everything, at the world. *I don't mean to be mean, but that's all I can be is just me and I am whatever you say I am! If I wasn't then why would I say I am?* And if they had been scared of Max before, this sudden change in him only frightened them more. The Comets were a young, rowdy and highly talented group now. Moreso than ever before. They looked like they were here for one thing and one thing only. Not just to win, but to beat Hagerman. And they followed their leader well. The Hagerman team watched as Max seized a ball underneath the basket and dribbled back around. There was something different even in the way he dribbled the ball. He pounded it against the court, and he didn't pass the ball to his teammates, he threw it to them. Hard.
His teammates didn't question the real change in Max's behavior. He had come to practice one day with the attitude he wore now and they hadn't challenged it. Whatever had come over him it made him play better. He played harder, fiercer. The type of basketball that West Roswell needed to go all the way this year. They couldn't rely on Max’s finesse skill and his outside shooting anymore. Coach Harvey had to work with what he was given and he was given a team of scrappy and gritty freshman and sophomores. Max hadn't been able to adapt at first. That wasn't his style of play: juking under the basket, driving down the center. He shot threes, he set up plays on the perimeter and he could still do that, but somewhere along the line his play needed to change. And whatever had happened to him days before had changed him. Now whatever defense a team attempted to work on him wouldn’t work. You want to force him outside - you'll pay the price, you want to make him drive to the hoop - you'll pay the price. Coach Harvey smiled to himself as he watched Max juke and maneuver around Sterling 'Silver' Harrison. He had created a
basketball machine. He watched as Max interacted with the rest of the Comets starting five: Theo Boyer, Robert Kaiser, Sterling Harrison and Julian 'J.J' Jones. Two of them sophomores, two of them freshman.
They had been an unruly bunch at first, almost too much for him to handle. He glanced over at Max again, who was now working with Theo down in front by the hoop; and to Kyle, who was working with Tim Tanner and Upshaw Shelton, two sophomores who were almost ordained to ride the bench the entire season. They were like Kyle, lacking the talent that players like Max and J.J had, but filled with heart. Coach Harvey looked to Kyle with a broad smile. He was lucky to have two captains like the ones he had. Max's talent gave him the respect he deserved, so when he told the young team to do something they did it. Kyle was different however. Maybe it was the fact that his father was the town sheriff, but something in his actions made all the players listen. He was a hard worked, the sixth man of the team - filling the spot Max had once possessed Sophomore year. Kyle was the type of leader all teams should have. He could see when something was wrong with a teammate, if something was bothering them. And right now, he sensed something wrong with Max.
Embarrassing. That's the first word that came to everyone's mind when asked to describe the Hagerman onslaught. Hagerman had been a challenge years ago, they had been better than the Comets, a real threat. They didn't come within fifteen points all game however and the 70-54 score had surprised everyone in the stands including Coach Harvey. But the Comets just nodded their heads and raised their arms victoriously in there.
"That's right!!" Robert Kaiser, the star tight end on the Comet’s football team and center on the basketball squad, shouted as he made his way off the court.
"Albuquerque here we come!" Sterling echoed his sentiments, referring to the city where the State Championships were played. Max didn't laugh at the comment as he walked off the court with them, nor did he tell them to quiet down as Kyle was attempting to do. No, he raised his hand to slap them five.
"We got Dexter next," Max grabbed a towel off the bench and wiped his face with it, looking ahead to their next game.
"Man, I want at Truth or Consequences!” Theo cried jubilantly, looking ahead to the team that had twice eliminated West Roswell from the state playoffs. "Can't be wastin’ my time with..." he looked over at the dismal Hagerman team staggering out the gym. "-them."
"Dexter," Max replied shortly again, slapping his four teammates five again before walking into the locker room. And his eyes rested momentarily on a face staring down at him from the bleachers for a moment. A face that used to look at him with so much love. Liz looked down to the court where Max had gained thirty points, where he had not once eased up on the struggling Hagerman team. The love was still there, it was pained and misconstrued, but it was there.
Liz sat upright atop her bed, tears streaming down her face as she gripped the pillow in front of her. Her relationship with Max was falling apart. And with that relationship, she knew her entire life was coming undone, as pathetic as that sounded. Max had been her life for the past three years. And now...now, when she looked down at him on the court with Kaiser and Sterling, Theo and J.J she saw a completely different person. When had that happened? Had it been going on for a while, had she just not seen it? The Vertical Horizon CD Max had bought for her only last month was playing in her CD player, and the depressing lyrics blared loudly out of the speakers. *Nothing's quite the same now. I just say your name now. But it's not so bad. You're only the best I ever had. You don't want me back, you're just the best I ever had.* The song only made Liz sob harder and the pillow in her hands was wet with tears as she looked to the picture resting on her bedside. The one that had been there since her Sophomore year. She and Max in Artesia. Smiling and carefree.
Then she looked to the stack of college catalogs and applications on top of her desk. Senior year had happened. College had happened. Suddenly the entire world was open to them. They could do anything they wanted, go anywhere they wanted, and they had the option to do it together. But where was Max applying? What was he choosing to do with his life? No one knew. Not Isabelle, not his parents, and the thing that was most troubling, not even her.
The Seniors of Roswell were all experiencing it now. Now they were all going through the stress that Max had already endured. Maria and Liz had sent there applications away together, sending a kiss along with each envelope as they plopped it into the mailbox. Liz had wanted to experience the moment with Max. They had talked about it last year, doing their applications together, sending them away together. Now she didn't even know where he had applied, and he had only an idea of where she had. Now he sat next to Maria in English, the one class they shared this year. Now he no longer brought Chinese food to her fifth-period Spanish class, nor did he drop in on her A.P Chemistry class. And Liz went home every day after school and cried. She left first period English almost every day and locked herself in the bathroom stall to cry. This was worse than that horrible month back in sophomore year. This was worse because she was just as much to blame for pushing him away. He hadn't done much to help the situation but at least he had attempted to bring things back to normal - whatever that meant. She hadn’t been able to though. She had pushed him away. And now he couldn't even bring himself to sit next to her.
It was disgust with himself, not with her. That was why he couldn't bring himself to sit next to her, to even look at her. He couldn't bring himself to tell her that of course, but that was what was plaguing him. He was throwing away a month of his life, he knew that. Doing nothing but playing basketball. He came home after practice an unrecognizable boy, even to his parents. Without so much as a word he would open up the refrigerator and would take a giant drink from the carton of orange juice, grab a light snack and lock himself in his room. Laying on his bed, staring out and facing the wall with the same depressing music playing out of his speakers. *So you stole my world? Now I'm just a phony. Remembering the girl, leaves me down and lonely. Send it in a letter. Make yourself feel better.* The reminders were all around him. Reminders of Liz. So he turned his back to his room and stared at the wall until it simply became too much for him. Until he picked up a stray piece of loose-leaf paper and a pen and began scribbling everything down. Everything.
I thought I wanted to go to Notre Dame. For almost ten years I grew up thinking that. I thought I had my life planned out. You would come along with me, or you'd be nearby, but now - life doesn't always go the way you planned, y'know? And that just sucks and I should be able to deal with it but I can't. I should have thought this out more, I should have talked to you about it because you always seem to shed some light on the situation that I didn't. You offer perspective. I NEED that right now. I need you in my life. My application is in. And if I get in, then it's binding. Then I CANT go anywhere else. Everyone's been telling me that no college would not accept me, but I'm just praying to God that the admissions people in South Bend find something wrong with my application. I can't leave you. These past two weeks have been proof enough for that. I can't function without you, can't live, can't breathe. I need to at least SEE you every day, to look in your eyes and know that no matter what happens you'll always care about me. Always love me. Because that's the way I feel about you. Have I made a bad choice? Have I made a mistake? I thought this was what I wanted? Play basketball for the Irish, go to school in South Bend. But somewhere along the line my dreams became my reality and YOU came into my life. For real. You weren't just this imaginary person in my make believe world. You were mine. But now what have I done? I've pushed you away. The only thing that I've ever wanted in my entire life.
Max dropped the pen in his hand and looked down at the words he had scrawled onto the page. He looked to the written letter, then to the Notre Dame hat on his desk, then to the picture of Liz resting on his dresser. Suddenly the pen was hurled across the room and the letter was a wadded piece of paper in the bottom of his garbage can. And Max’s body began shaking as he turned face down onto the bed. He didn't hear the knocks on the door, he could only hear the lyrics sounding through his room. *And it may take some time to patch me up inside. And I can't take it so I run away and hide. And I may find in time that you were always right. You're always right.* Isabelle finally gave up her knocking on the door. She couldn't get through to him, nor could Michael or his parents, Liz simply sat and watched him go through the motions. There was only one person Max could talk to. The only person he had always been able to open up to. Max lifted up his head and outstretched his trembling hand for the phone on his bedside. The starting center for the New Mexico Lobos.
For the first time in months Max was opening up to someone. He was at least telling somebody where had applied to college. Archie only had to hear a few words about Max's situation before he insisted that they get together. So what if he was up in Albuquerque, that he was three hours away. They would meet halfway - at the 7-11 next to the Lowes Theatre outside of Vaughn. Max glanced down at the clock on his table. It was already six o'clock. His parents would be worried. And he grabbed the keys to his jeep and raced outside. He didn't bother to scribble a note out to his parents, or even to yell to Isabelle that he was going out. He raced out the door to his jeep so quickly that he didn't even see Liz. He didn’t even realize that she was coming to see him.
"Max, where are you going?" Liz asked, and for the first time in months she was really able to see his face as he brushed past her. It wasn't hidden behind that stupid Notre Dame hat, she could really see him, see his eyes. And the look on his face almost made her legs give out underneath her. It looked like he was about to cry.
"I can't talk about it," Max’s voice wavered as he walked to the jeep.
"Max, please!!" Liz shouted desperately to him as the jeep sped away. And this time her legs did weaken. She collapsed onto the curb and watched him drive away.
*What was it you wanted? Could it be I'm haunted?* That same depressing song was playing on the radio and Max sniffled back the tears threatening in his eyes. Had he just done that? Had he run away from Liz? Actually run away. Poor Liz had come to talk to him. The memory of her face was embedded in his mind. Max, please!! He had seen her face in the mirrors as he drove away. But he couldn’t talk to her, not about where he was going, about why he was running from her. That was the whole reason he was driving away in the first place. He couldn’t help but think back to the last time he had been angrily speeding down the New Mexico Interstate. The last time he had been this angry at himself. And then he and Liz were tumbling down the hill, and then he was carrying her limp body through the night, and then they were in the hospital. Max quickly shook his head to dismiss the thoughts that still pervaded and haunted his dreams to this day. He ran his hands through his short dark hair. God, he had to get to Vaughn soon.
Dinner at the Evans household came, and Max’s absence wasn’t treated as anything too out of the ordinary. Lately he went for drives more and more, or he went for a run, or to the weight room, or to the courts to shoot around with J.J. His parents began to accept the fact that Max was growing away from them. He was growing apart. They had to come to terms with it sooner or later, after all he and Isabelle would be going to college soon. So they sat at the table with Max’s empty place setting, careful to avoid any conversation about him. Isabelle wasn’t as quick to dismiss her brother’s actions though. She knew something was up. She had suspected it all year, but the game against Hagerman the other day had cemented her fears. When a confrontation had arisen between Kaiser and an opposing player from the Coyotes, instead of stepping between them to break up the fight, Max had joined in the fray. He didn’t touch anyone, but Isabelle could see him shouting and defending his teammate from the outside. She knew Liz could see it too. The anger in Max’s eyes. The door-bell sounded and Isabelle rose to get it only to be met by a bleary-eyed and red-faced Liz.
“Is Max back yet?” she asked weakly.
“No, he’s still out,” Isabelle stated unhappily and she was about to close the door and return to her dinner when something made her stop. Maybe it was Liz’s red rimmed eyes, or the tear stains still on her face. “Want to come inside?”
Luck was on Max’s side, as he speeded down the interstate without being stopped or approached by a cop once. He had a bit of difficulty finding the 7-11 Archie had spoke of, there being more than one in the town of Vaughn, but eventually he spotted the Lowe’s Theatre and the place he was supposed to meet the college sophomore. Max dragged his feet out of the car and walked slowly towards the building before collapsing onto the curb. And resting his head in his hands he just sat there. Who knows how long he stayed like that, the next thing he remembered was Archie’s voice calling worriedly to him.
“Max! Max, man - you alright?” Archie jogged over to his side and Max was slow to pick up his head.
“Hey,” Max offered a smile to him in greeting, but he immediately saw past it.
“Come on,” he offered his hand to Max, speaking to him like he did to his inebriated college friends. Like he was a child. “Let’s go,” he led Max to his car, popping open the passenger door for him. Man, he was worse off than Archie had expected. His eyes looked dead. “You haven’t been drinking, have you?” he suddenly checked.
“When was the last time I drank?” Max managed to laugh, despite the horrible memory of that horrible night sophomore year.
“Right, right - just checkin,” Archie grinned as he looked over his shoulder and backed out of the parking lot.
Where we going?” Max suddenly asked inquisitively.
“Just driving, man,” Archie dismissed. “We’re just driving..” Max turned his head to stare out the window and Archie could tell that silence would prevail, if he didn’t say anything. “So Notre Dame, huh?” Max was quiet. “You gonna take over Troy Murphy’s place next year?” he chuckled.
“Hope not...” Max muttered.
“You hope not? Max, what’s the matter with you? You have an awesome chance to play Division I at a great school - you got a chance to get to the Dance - to -”
“To leave Liz,” Max said shortly. “To - to -”
“That’s part of college, man,” Archie shook his head. “Part of growing up, moving on – leaving some people behind.” Max just shook his head.
“Not Liz.”
“You leave your parents, your siblings, your hometown, your girlfriend - the long distance thing’ll work. I mean it’s you and Liz, it’ll -”
“That’s not it!!” Max fired. “I don’t know if I want to go to Notre Dame. Not anymore.”
“Max -”
“I just - I can’t -”
“Say you get rejected,” Archie suddenly said, cutting off Max. “Say you get flat out turned down. You going to tell her then? You going to tell her that you at least applied?”
“I don’t know.”
“You do get in, when are you going to tell her?”
“I don’t know.”
“Where is she applying to school?”
“I don’t know.”
“You guys had sex yet?”
“I don’t - wait, what?” Max jerked his head up to see if what he heard was right. Across in the drivers seat Archie was laughing hysterically at Max’s confusion.
“Had to ask, had to ask,” he shook his head, chuckling to himself. He had asked more to snap Max out of the daze he was in, then to satisfy his own curiosity. But he did want to know. “So have you?” And looking away from Archie, avoiding his laughing face Max shook his head. “No???” The car swerved to the right as Archie took his hands off the wheel and looked to Max in disbelief. “Damn Evans! You two have been going out since sophomore year!” Max continued to avoid Archie as the college sophomore continued to laugh to himself. “You haven’t?”
“Yeah, uh - um - no,” Max stumbled. This was the one thing he didn’t want to get into with Archie. The one important thing that he didn’t know about Max. The fact that he wasn’t even the same species as Liz. It was the last time he and Liz had had a ‘fight’. Last year, while her parents had been away for the weekend. She had asked Max, for once, to not think so much, to not worry. He told her that he couldn’t not worry when it came to her. That they didn’t know what could happen, that he could put her at risk. She had urged him, for the first time, to follow his heart. Pleaded even. But he had insisted that following his heart meant keeping her safe. She wouldn’t be safe with him, they didn’t know. And he couldn’t put her at that risk. No matter how much they wanted each other.
“I can’t believe it,” Archie looked over at Max. “What is she waiting ‘til she’s married -”
“You know, I don’t - I don’t really want to talk about it,” Max cut him off.
“’cos with you two, you might as well be married,” he continued.
“I don’t want to talk about it,” Max insisted again.
“Hey, I wouldn’t either,” Archie chuckled and Max gave him a warning look.
“Arch..”
“Okay, okay,” he raised his hands off the wheel in apology. “I’m sorry, you know - I had to ask, I’m sorry..it’s just - I can’t believe..look, I’m sorry.” He knew he had touched upon a sensitive issue with Max. He rarely grew that annoyed with people. “Notre Dame,” he went back to the whole reason they had driven an hour and half to meet each other in the first place. “You know - if you’re worried about the long distance thing, you two really won’t be missing much since you haven’t -”
“Cut it out!” Max shoved Archie in the arm before he could finish, though he couldn’t help but laugh. There was something about Archie that always stopped Max from getting mad at him. If anybody else had been riding him the way Archie was, he would grow angry, but that was just it. Archie kidded him, because he knew he could. Because he knew Max, in some ways, better than anyone. They didn’t talk all that much, especially not over the last year, but when things got too bad with Michael, or Isabelle, or especially Liz he was always there.
“Last one, I promise - I couldn’t help myself,” Archie admitted. “I swear I’ll stop.” Max had to smile at his mischievous friend. He must be having the best time at college.
“So is college all it’s cracked up to be?” Max suddenly asked.
“All it’s cracked up to be? I don’t know, depends on where you go - you know?” Archie replied honestly, shrugging his shoulders. “I’ve talked to different people, went to different schools. You know, Mack’s over at Oklahoma State - he’s working it pretty hard.” Max nodded his head. “I mean it’s...harder than high school in a lot of ways, but then it’s - it’s..it’s not easier, it’s just different.” Archie paused. “You can’t screw around all the time.” Max listened intently. All this coming from Archie, who while not exactly a slacker in high school, didn’t always work as hard as he should have. “You really figure out who you are, where you belong.”
“I belong with Liz,” Max mumbled softly to himself more than to Archie. “You know, college is supposed to - to shape you for the rest of your life, then I need her there because - “
“-because she is your - “
“-life.” Max grinned at the fact that they had finished each other’s sentences. They had always been able to do that. “And I know that that sounds like some, completely pathetic...”
“-teenager who’s hopelessly in love.” Archie smiled at Max. That didn’t even begin to describe his relationship with Liz.
“But if college is such an important part of your life, then I don’t want to do it without Liz.” He finally stated, the pain evident in every feature of his face. Especially the tears that now glistened in his eyes.
“And it’s not up to you anymore,” Archie stated the brutal truth that Max didn’t want to hear. “Your application’s in.”
The Evans enjoyed having Liz over for dinner, even if they knew things right now between her and their son were far from perfect. Liz and Max would find a way back to each other, of that they were confident. So they chatted with Liz about her school year, what schools she was applying to, how her parents were. She had grown a bit quiet when they had mentioned college however, but had rattled off the names of her schools nonetheless: Dartmouth, Princeton, Brown, Boston College, Northwestern, Providence. Their eyebrows had raised at her ambitious list. Then again Max had done nothing but insist to his parents that Liz would be the valedictorian of their graduating class since sophomore year.
“I think Max mentioned Northwestern a few times, they have a decent basketball program -”
“Phillip, Max is not going to college to play basketball!” Mrs. Evans said, the issue had obviously risen more than once between them as Isabelle just rolled her eyes.
“He’s playing basketball in college, Diane - he has the God-given talent to -”
“But he’s not going *to* play, he’s going to get an education,” she argued.
“Liz, want to go upstairs?” Isabelle suddenly turned to Liz, who was awkwardly sitting there between the two parents.
“Sure,” Liz nodded her head, a bit perplexed by Isabelle’s sudden personality change to her. Not like Isabelle was her enemy, they just didn’t hang out much. Walking down the hall to Max’s room of all places, Isabelle could still hear her parents bickering. They never argued before this year.
“My room’s a mess,” Isabelle explained as she peeked her head around to Max’s, of course, tidy room. “Always so clean,” Isabelle mumbled, opening up the door as Liz walked in. It had been a while since she had been in Max’s room. Everything looked exactly the same, there was his computer, his Moby poster, his cd player, his mirror. Peeking out from under the bed, Liz saw the giant box overflowing with college material.
“Maybe I don’t want him to play at a Division I school!” both Isabelle and Liz couldn’t help but hear Mrs. Evans shout and Liz looked awkwardly to the floor.
“Are they always..”
“This year, yeah...” Isabelle admitted. “Max hasn’t...he hasn’t told anyone where he’s applying..”
“Not even your parents?” Liz asked in disbelief as Isabelle just shook her head.
“That’s why...that’s why they’ve been fighting so much - they’re just...frustrated,” she sighed. “We all are.” Liz looked sadly around Max’s room, before kneeling down and pulling out the box from underneath his bed. Isabelle just stood there quietly and watched. She had done that more than once, looked through the dozens and dozens of envelopes and viewbooks, the letters begging him to come to their university. But she never found anything, not a letter with slightly more wear around the edges, not a bookmarked page, not even a brochure on the top to indicate which he had looked at recently. No, Max had them all in alphabetical order. Arkansas, Arizona, Arizona State, UCLA, Duke. When Liz got to the Duke program, her mouth dropped open in shock.
“Duke..” she mumbled to herself. “I didn’t know they were really...I mean, there are rumors at school, but...I didn’t think.” Isabelle just nodded her head and the reality of it sunk in for Liz. Max had been an All-American nomination last year, but he might as well have been named to the honor roll he downplayed it so much. Duke University. She might not be the world’s biggest college basketball fan, but she was smart enough to know that Duke was the premiere basketball school in the country. That they picked kids from all over the world. They wanted Max. Liz pulled out the letter personally addressed to Max and scanned it over. Hand signed and everything. So much for just a rumor. Stuffing the letter back into the envelope, Liz continued to go through the pile. Florida, Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Iowa State, Kansas, Kansas State, Kentucky, Michigan State, Minnesota, North Carolina, Notre Dame, Oklahoma, Ohio State, Oregon State, Purdue, USC, Seton Hall., Stanford, Tennessee, Texas, UNLV, Virginia, Wyoming. These weren’t schools that Max had ever mentioned in conversation with her. This was just a giant list of the top twenty-five basketball schools in the country. At the end of last year he had thrown around schools like Providence, or Holy Cross, Boston University, maybe Georgetown. Schools on the East Coast, schools that had something in common. But this pile in the box, these were all over the place - all different in size, all different in location, in makeup. No wonder his parents were arguing. Liz simply sat there and looked through the pile again, again trying to find something to indicate to which school
Max was leaning.
Meanwhile Isabelle was simply walking slowly about Max’s room, wanting to say something to Liz, wanting to tell the poor shell-shocked girl that Max was going to end up with her, that despite all that was going on now they would end up together and happy, but unable to lie. And then something caught her eye. Something that looked to have just missed Max’s garbage can. Office of Admissions University of Notre Dame the return address of what appeared to be a crumpled postcard read. Isabelle bent down curiously and picked up the wad of paper. Smoothing it out and flipping it over, she felt her heart stop when she read the first line on the back. Thank you! Your application to the University of Notre Dame has been received.
“Oh my God...” Isabelle mumbled softly, and she noted a piece of paper crumpled up in much the same manner that was in the bottom of his garbage can. I thought I wanted to go to Notre Dame. “Oh my God,” Isabelle repeated and this time Liz heard her.
“What?” she asked from her spot on the floor.
“Nothing...” Isabelle replied quietly, though she hoped Liz couldn’t hear the crack in her voice as she scanned the rest of the letter Max had obviously penned out. My application is in. If I get in then it’s binding. He had applied early. Dear God, he had applied early to Notre Dame - a school already recruiting him for their basketball team. She should have known Max would apply early, that was like him. Get in as quickly as possible, get it over with. Isabelle’s head spun as she continued reading the personal letter. She should show it to Liz, it wasn’t addressed to her, but Max had clearly written it for her. To her. She should put it back into his garbage can, that’s where he had put it, but Isabelle folded up the crinkly piece of paper and tucked it into her pocket. And she let out some sort of a combination between a laugh and a sigh as she looked to the faded Fighting Irish hat resting on his desk. Notre Dame.