Author: Kippy
(Kippy1932@aol.com) Rating: TEEN
Disclaimer: I have no affiliation with the show, actors, writers, producers, network, or characters in Roswell. I only wish I did. The song used is "Bed of Lies" by matchbox twenty. The lyrics in the beginning "Learning to Live Again" by Garth Brooks.
Summary: Max struggles to put the pieces of his life back together.
Category: Max/Liz
Author's Note: Sixth in the series that includes Not So Secret Admirer, Get in the Game, The Walls Come Crumbling Down, Walking Away and No Rhyme or Reason. The stories which come after are Choices and Gone 'til November (what's written of it).
*I'm gonna smile my best smile
And I'm gonna laugh like it's going out of style
Look into her eyes and pray that she don't see...
Learning to live again is killing me*
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It's funny, Max Evans thought to himself as he looked to the grandfather clock in his family's living room, how you never really see the hands of a clock move. You just look up and it's five minutes later. That was how his life moved. He didn't realize all the things that were happening in it until they had happened. That somewhere along the line Michael and Maria's constant bickering and flirting had turned into something much more. That Isabelle turned to Alex for comfort now as much as she turned to Max. That the secret that for so long had remained secret, now included two more people in the town of Roswell other than Liz Parker. That the Roswell hospital employees all knew Max by name now and the left wing of the second floor was his second home, even though he had been discharged three days ago. The events of the past week were pieces of memory, fragments in his mind. Like watching an hour go by on the clock. First it's five past, then fifteen minutes, then it's half past and then suddenly you're into the next hour. That was how he remembered the past week, small sketchy pieces of memory. The only thing that remained vivid was the pain.
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Max glanced back to the grandfather clock. Visiting hours at the hospital began in only five minutes, and without a word to anyone, he slipped out the house to the car. It felt odd to be driving the tiny Toyota Camry - he never drove anything but the jeep. But with that in the shop for who knows how long, the Camry was the car that he had been driving to the hospital. He had been surprised that the damage to the jeep had even been repairable. Michael, Maria, Isabelle and Alex had gone to look for it two days ago. It hadn't been too hard to find. Max's trail of blood had led them right to it and had consequently almost made Isabelle throw up on the side of the road as she - along with everyone else - saw just how far her brother had walked with Liz in his arms. There had been blood splattered on the windshield and on the steering wheel and there had been a giant bloody piece of glass in the drivers seat. Isabelle had shuddered when she had seen it, knowing that had been what cut her brother's arm.
Max's injuries despite the severity of their appearance were minor. The stitches in his side prevented him from moving around too much, but he found every time he went to see Liz he couldn't help but but run. At first it had been running out of his own hospital room and around the corner to Liz's. Now it was running to the car, running into the hospital, up the stairs - strictly against the doctors orders - and down the hall to see her. All the while, being greeted by nurses, doctors and orderlies, who had grown to know and to care about Max and Liz.
There was a feeling in his stomach however, about what exactly he was going to see. To see Liz - who he had put in the hospital - Liz who despite all that he had done to hurt her still seemed to be happy to see him, who, according to the nurses, looked forward to his visits as much as he did. But why did he look forward to them? There was no doubt that he did, but every time he saw her lying in the bed he was struck with a wave of guilt. A wave of...
He didn't know what it was. It was as if Liz had forgotten everything that had happened. Like she was pretending that everything was normal. Like she saw was in the hospital for her tonsils or her appendix. She had confessed that the only things she remembered were Max telling her he loved her and then him kneeling over her in the dark telling her that he wouldn't leave her. That was all she said about the accident, about the past month, and so Max hadn't said anything. He hadn't broken down and apologized like he had thought he was going to, like he had been ready to. Because before he could open up his mouth she opened up hers. She gently took his hand and kissed it softly. "I love you," she'd stated simply and Max had been quiet. If she could still love him after all of this, then he could try to put it all past him too.
But when he walked into the hospital room and looked in at her he couldn't shake the feelings deep down. She smiled when she saw him, and a smile formed on his face when he saw the corners of her mouth raise, despite the feelings he had. Max reached into the brown paper bag and pulled out the bag of chocolate covered Gummi Bears he had purchased for her at the candy store on his way over. Yesterday he had brought over an Alien Blast straight from the Crashdown, and the day before that it had been a Blood-of-Alien Smoothie (though he had had some trouble just ordering that one considering recent events). She smiled again and he slowly walked over and placed it on her bedside.
"Dr. Lowery said I could go home tomorrow," she quietly broke the silence between them and the look of happiness on his face didn't match what he felt when he heard the words. Liz going home. He wasn't ready for that. He wasn't ready for life to go back to normal. Whatever normal meant in his messed-up life.
"You wanna walk?" he suddenly asked and Liz just nodded her head. The walks he and Liz took around the hospital had become a common sight for everyone on the hospital floor. The nurses and the doctors had grown used to seeing Liz walk slowly around the second floor, holding Max's hand in hers and clinging onto his arm. It was clear in those walks the love that existed between the two. The way that Max's eyes never left her as he walked slowly down the hall. How they didn't even exchange words, but their company seemed to be enough. It was hard to believe that this calm and caring Max walking slowly down the hall was the same one that had entered the hospital kicking, screaming and yelling just one week ago. For the past four days she had had her IV with her, which made the going slower, but even without it she was moving slowly and weakly along the floor. "You okay?" he looked over to her, the concern evident in his voice as she clung to his arm a little more than normal. She just nodded her head. "You sure you want to go back tomorrow?" he asked and again she just nodded her head.
"I can't spend another night in here, Max," she confessed and he stopped in his tracks. She looked at him, awaiting words to come out of his mouth, but instead he gently kissed her forehead and drew her to him. The action was odd. He meant it, without a doubt he meant it. He sympathized with Liz for having to stay here for as long as she did. But then there was that part of him that wanted to confront everything that had happened between them. That part of him that was unable to. That felt uncomfortable being so close with Liz.
"I can stay here tonight, if you want..." he suggested and she seemed to smile at the comment and opened up her mouth to reply when she eyed her father and mother standing behind her and she and Max stopped.
Both her parents and Max's parents had been behaving oddly for the entire week that Liz had been in the hospital. Liz's parents most of all. When Liz had awoken and whispered for Max, when he had ripped out his IV and raced down the hall to see her, the two had barely gotten much of a reunion. Her eyes had fluttered open and he had choked back a sob, bringing her hand up to his cheek. Liz had managed a weak smile then, but that had been all. Before he could even utter her name, her parents had rushed into her bedside and Max was pushed to the back. She had opened up her mouth several times in protest to her father and mother, wanting to talk to Max and to be with him, but when she had craned her head to see where he was quietly standing in the corner they had insisted she rest some more. That she could see him later. And that was how the week had gone. Unable to sleep, Max would walk slowly down the hall to Liz's room, where her parents would be. When he would walk into the room they would shoot him a look and he would slowly back out. It was like a competition for Liz's affection. And while Max just wanted to be with her, it was clear his parents wanted just the opposite.
"I'll be alright," she whispered, breaking away and walking to her parents. Max just stood there and watched her leave, his eyes meeting the stern gaze of her father. It was odd to be treated this way by Mr. Parker. He had always treated Max so nicely, with approval and almost a sense of affection towards him. But now his dark eyes seemed anything but welcoming. Max wanted that acceptance back. He wanted to tell Mr. Parker that he had done nothing to his daughter - but that would be a lie too. A lie like the rest of his life was right now. Giving Liz one last look, Max slowly walked towards the hospital exit. He stopped by the front desk briefly and before he could even open up his mouth the nurse behind the desk did.
"Three o'clock tomorrow, Max," the red-headed nurse smiled and he nodded his head and smiled also. The infectious smile that the nurses loved, despite the fact that they saw so little of it. "I'm gonna miss you, Max," she shook her head smiling. "We're all gonna miss you."
Thirty four multi-colored balloons were heaped into one booth of the Crashdown, Maria was blowing up number thirty five and Isabelle and Alex were stringing up a giant WELCOME BACK banner across the back. Three o'clock was rolling around and the welcome back party that they had been planned for Liz for was drawing closer. Sure the party was just Alex, Maria, Michael, Isabelle and Max - but they still all seemed nervous about it. About being back with Liz. Max sat nervously in the front booth, his mind seeming to be somewhere else completely. More than anything he wanted to be the one to take Liz out of the hospital. He had been the one who had taken her in, he wanted to be the one to take her out. And Liz felt the same way.
She was dressed and ready, she had all the gifts she had received the past week in her hand, along with the names and numbers of the nurses who wanted to keep in touch with her and Max. Her parents walked through the door, almost seeming surprised at how good she looked but she didn't smile when she saw them. She seemed to look past them and her face seemed to drop when she realized that it was just them.
"Where's - where's Max?" she inquired and at the comment her father seemed to grow the slightest bit angry, although he bit his tongue.
"Max is back at his house, sweetheart - " he began to say and Liz became upset by the comment.
"Well why didn't he come?" she asked, seeming to still be in a fragile state. Mr. and Mrs. Parker didn't tell Liz that they had told Mr. and Mrs. Evans that they wanted it to be just them who picked up Liz, that they didn't want Max to be there.
"Lizzie, he's catching up on schoolwork," Mrs. Parker lied and Liz knew it was a lie and she seemed to know that her parents had somehow forbidden Max to come pick her up. And she wanted to keep quiet, but she couldn't. She was well aware of the way that her parents had been treating Max for the past week. And she couldn't keep quiet because this past week Max had been the one person she had needed most. And she knew that she was the one person he needed.
"How could you do that to him?" she attacked, stepping backwards to the edge of the bed, seeming to be in disbelief that her parents would do such a thing. Like she didn't want to leave with them.
"Honey, we didn't -"
"He told me he was coming to pick me up today - he said that he -" but before Liz could finish, Dr. Lowery and Dr. Hastings stepped in. And they had barely said ten words before quickly questioning Max's absence.
"That's odd.." Dr. Lowery scratched his head, "seems only fitting that - you know he came in with her, he'd come out with her." The words seemed to echo Liz's sentiments exactly and she glanced to her parents with a look that was intended to make them feel guilty.
"That's not like Max, I wonder what -" and then Max was standing in the doorway and Liz immediately walked past her parents and towards him. Both parents seemed more than angered at his presence but kept their mouths shut and Max looked to them, almost with an apologetic look as Liz slowly walked out the door with him.
Isabelle had tried to stop her brother from going to the hospital. She knew the Parkers didn't want Max there, she knew the Parkers didn't really want Max around their daughter much but she, nor anyone else had been able to stop Max. Max was still not up to strength but was still able to muscle Michael away and rush out the door.
Driving over to the hospital, and even now as he drove towards the Crashdown with her he felt uncomfortable. And he couldn't help but remember the last time they had been in a car together. Thank God it wasn't the jeep they were driving home in. The entire car ride was quiet. Max seemed disturbed at the fact that he hadn't let her parents take her home - he felt almost selfish - but the past week had been about he and Liz recovering and this ride home was the most important step for them. For their return back to 'normal' - and Max couldn't help but laugh at the irony of the thought. He stepped into the Crashdown with her and as the two of them, Maria, Michael, Alex and Isabelle settled into a booth a feeling began to rise over him.
The sickening feeling he got looking over at her that he would never recover.
Max couldn't even have imagined how it would be being in the jeep with Liz again. It had gotten out of the repair shop Monday afternoon and just seeing it in the driveway, Max felt sick. Nothing appeared to be wrong with the battered vehicle, in fact it was in better condition than it had ever been. He had refused to pick it up however, he had made Isabelle go and pick it up and even she had seemed hesitant.
But now, as eight o'clock and the start of school drew nearer and nearer he and Liz sat in silence in the jeep, he found himself behind the wheel. She, who had thus far seemed so okay with everything and with life returning to normal, seemed unnerved at the notion of returning to school. He had already convinced his parents to allow him to take Monday off, and they had questioned whether or not he wanted to take Tuesday off as well. He wasn't sure why he hadn't accepted the offer. Maybe it was because Liz was going, because Liz appeared to be so much stronger than him.
Sitting in the car however, he realized she was just as nervous as he was. She seemed nervous for different reasons though. He wasn't ready to go back to school because he didn't want to go back and pretend that everything was normal. Because it wasn't and it never would be.
"You okay?" Liz suddenly asked, breaking the silence and Max seemed caught off-guard.
"What?" he shook his head, realizing he must have appeared to be in a daze.
"You okay? You seemed a little.." her voice drifted.
"No, it's just.." Max wanted to tell her the truth, he wanted to get these feelings off his chest. "It's just.." He wanted to apologize to her. "We're gonna have a lot of work to make up," he managed to laugh and she merely smiled at the comment.
"We can do it together."
There weren't too many visible signs that anything was wrong with Max or Liz as they walked through the front doors of West Roswell hand in hand. Liz looked perfectly fine, and Max looked normal if not for the large scar down his arm. Isabelle was in the process of convincing him to get rid of the scar, to tell his parents it had just healed, but Max seemed unwilling to. He seemed to want to live with the scar on his arm, with the reminder.
People Max and Liz had never even talked to were saying hello to them as they made their way to Liz's locker and attempted to settle back into routine. Nothing about it seemed routine though. It was like meeting some long-lost relative and pretending that you really did remember them from a visit twelve years ago. Liz didn't need to get her books, she didn't have work to take out of her locker, or put into it for that matter, yet she opened it. Max appeared on edge by it all and he was fidgeting around, and as hard as Liz was working to keep her composure, he was unnerving her more than she liked.
"Max, would you quit it," she fired and he seemed caught off-guard by the statement. He picked himself off of his resting place on the locker and just looked at her, somewhat hurt. He was having enough trouble dealing with this, to have Liz yell at him on top of everything. Liz yelling at him. That was his worst fear. That she would yell at him for everything, for putting her in the hospital, for wrecking her life. "I'm sorry," she was quick to apologize and she slowly closed the locker. He looked up at her innocently, awaiting her response - knowing she was as shaken up at being back in school as he was. "It's just.."
"You okay?" he asked, "you sure you want to - I mean do you want to not -"
"Max, we have to," Liz stated simply, knowing what he was proposing. That they not go to school. "I mean we can't just sit at home and....dwell on it," it was the first time she had spoke about 'it' and Max's head snapped up quickly at the comment. He wanted to protest and he wanted to tell her that they did. That they had to confront what had happened or else they'd be living a lie, but he didn't. "We have to go on with our lives.." Max's head spun at the impossibility of that last statement. "Let's just...let's erase the past month." Liz looked up at him, and he could sense with all his heart that that was the one thing that she wanted to happen - that she wished could happen. That they could go back to that Friday night they had gone to Senor Chow's and relive the past month before anything happpened. That Friday night that Max had come to her back door - that wouldn't happen the second time around. And she repeated her last words. "Let's erase the past month." And he drew her to him, gently pressing her head against his chest.
"Okay," he whispered leaning his chin against her forehead and all the while thinking that erasing the past month was impossible.
The teachers luckily made no large ordeal about Max and Liz's return to the class. They spoke to them each individually after class and after asking how they were, delivered to them the weeks worth of assignments that they had both missed. Max was almost glad for the work. For something to occupy his head other than these thoughts. He was on edge all day, as much as he tried to assure to Liz that he was fine. Because she seemed fine. She laughed and talked with Maria and with other friends and when Max seemed hesitant to leave her side, she would casually kiss him on the cheek and walk to the other side of the room to talk about everything she had missed in the past week.
She really was trying to erase the past month. It was as if nothing wrong had happened between him and Liz and more than anything he needed to confront everything that had. That night he had broken up with her, he had to explain himself. He had only started to in the jeep that night. And he needed to know that she forgave him, that she at least understood the slightest bit where he was coming from. She had to be scared too. She couldn't not be. Their relationship had progressed to the fact that you couldn't not be and the fact that she wasn't confronting it or talking about it depressed Max more. But he smiled, and he laughed, and he talked as if nothing was amiss. He kissed her, and held her hand and agreed that they would go out that weekend And inside he was being ripped apart and his head was screaming.
Max got the warmest welcome back of the day from Archie. The smiling Senior upon seeing him, jogged across the hallway to meet him. Archie had been the only one who had visited him in the hospital. And though he had brought with him a signed card from the rest of the team and all their 'best wishes'. It had been only him who had shown up.
“So how you doin', man?" he asked and Max merely shrugged his shoulders.
"It's weird," Max said honestly and Archie just nodded his head.
"How's Liz doing?" he seemed genuinely concerned about her.
"She's doin' better than me," Max admitted, unsure as to why he was able to speak freely with Archie and not with Michael or Isabelle, or even Liz for that matter.
"You'll get back in the swing of things," Archie assured and as the bell rang, he slapped Max five quickly and headed back around the corner.
"Yeah, I'll bet," Max mumbled to himself and slowly walked to his class.
Max wasn't sure if Liz had instilled her policy into everyone else's head, but Michael, Maria, Isabelle and Alex seemed to behave as life was before any of the past month's events. Except for the fact that Maria and Alex knew about Max, Michael and Isabelle's secret and the fact that they both seemed to have stepped up their relationships. Max never found out how exactly Michael and Isabelle had revealed the secret to Alex and Maria. He wondered how Maria's reaction had been, and almost laughed at the thought. They had accepted it well though and hadn't seemed to treat any of them any different. Maybe it had been the example of Liz.
*No, I would not sleep in this bed of lies So toss me out and turn in And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes I'm marking it down to learning I am *
He wondered how exactly it had happened that Isabelle and Michael's lives had sprung forward so quickly and his had so violently gone back. He didn't appear to have. He and Liz were closer than they had ever been during school, sitting at bio, at the lunch table, but the conflicted way that he felt inside was worse than he had ever been. The lying that he did to Liz and that he did to himself was worse than before Liz had known anything. And every night he went to sleep with the same thoughts in his head. That tomorrow he would talk to Liz, he would tell her the truth. And of course he never did.
*Don't think that I can take another empty moment Don't think that I can fake another hollow smile It's not enough just to be lonely. Don't think that I could take another talk about it*
The time he spent with Liz now was fake and empty. It was just going through the motions. Max glanced down at his watch Friday night, unable to shake the memory of the last time he had done this. Gotten ready to go out with Liz. Just like that night, one month ago he had thoughts plaguing him now. He shook his head in an attempt to dismiss them and grabbed the keys off the dresser. He walked out the door and walked towards the jeep, all the while feeling that he wasn't ready to go out with Liz. Not alone. He could take going out as a group, but even then it would be difficult. He had to confront these feelings and he had to talk about them. And so far the closest he had come was Archie in the locker room after gym class. And he needed more. He needed to get out of this...this trap. He was trapped in his own lies and his own attempt to pretend like he was okay. And every night and every minute he had to himself, he layed on his bed in anguish.
*Just like me you got needs And they're only a whisper away And we softly surrender To these lives that we've tendered away*
He knew when he was with Liz, that she seemed to know that it was all a lie. But she seemed to need that lie. All she needed to do was to whisper to him what she really needed. All she needed to do was whisper to him that she wanted to stop lying. But she didn't and so she thrived off of the lie. Kissing him and being with him, as fake as it was, was something that she needed. She needed that false assurance that being with him, everything was back to normal. And so day by day, Max fell into it
Two weeks Max lived with the lies. They consumed his life. He and Liz together created this fictional world between them where everything was okay and life was normal. The accident had never occurred and he had never walked away from her. Yet his night's remained sleepless, and his dreams were always haunted.
*No, I would not sleep in this bed of lies So toss me out and turn in And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes I'm marking it down to learning *
Max made the familiar drive to the Crashdown Friday night, the thought entering his mind that he and Liz really had no idea where they were going tonight or what they were doing. They had no idea what they were doing. Period. You can't just erase one month of your life and pretend it didn't happen, yet she tried and he pretended to. His mother had seemed hesitant to let him go out and that bothered him too. He knew the Parkers still were anything but thrilled about he and Liz and so when he pulled up to the Crashdown he felt a pit in the bottom of his stomach. When he walked into the Crashdown and his eyes met those of Jeff Parker he quickly looked to the ground. That wasn't like him. He didn't avoid things, avoid looks. He looked people head on when he had a problem. But now. All this. He knew what Mr. Parker wanted and, as conflicted as he was, that was something he wasn't prepared to give up again.
Jeff Parker watched as his daughter, smiling widely, walked over and greeted Max with a kiss. He and his wife had wanted to talk to Liz about that. About her and Max. But with her barely two weeks out of the hospital, they were hesitant. And how did they go about saying what they wanted?
"Lizzie," Mr. Parker called from across the cafe, and it felt awkward to call her that. To pretend like their relationship was close when it really wasn't. It had progressed over these past few months into anything but It wasn't even close, it was a strained and awkward relationship and if he so much as directed a comment about Max she would become defensive. "Come back before twelve." Was all he said.
"I'll bring her back before then," Max assured, but Mr. Parker seemed no more assured by the statement. "We'll be back before then," Max repeated and the way Liz looked at him then made him feel guilty. A look that said she wanted to stay out later than that.
*Don't wanna be the one who turns the whole thing over Don't wanna be somewhere where I just don't belong Where it's not enough just to be sorry*
Max had suggested going to a movie, but Liz had declined to it. She insisted that the movie had gotten bad reviews and so they found themselves at Buckley Point. A place they hadn't even been to when they had been together before. Liz seemed insistant upon it however and at this point Max was almost like a whipped dog to whatever she said. He didn't want to say anything about how fake the past two weeks had been, because he was afraid of the fact that maybe she didn't feel that way at all. Maybe it was just him. Something wrong with him. She appeared to be so much stronger than him and he *wanted* to be like that. He wished he could erase the past month from his memory like she had. He wished that the smile that appeared on his face was genuine but it wasn't even close. And he didn't want the time he spent with Liz to be empty anymore. He didn't want another talk with Isabelle about how it wasn't his fault. Because it was and being in the jeep only reminded him of that. That's where Max's mind was. Liz held his face in her hands and kissed him and all he could think about was rolling down the hill. About how it had been his fault. I'm Sorry. The words were on the tip of his tongue and he wanted to say them. But it wasn't enough to be sorry. What he'd done to her. It was beyond sorry.
*Don't you know I feel the darkness closing in Tried to be more than me And I gave 'til it all went away And we've only surrendered To the worst part of these winters that we've made*
She pulled away from him for a moment. Max hadn't even realized that the way she had been kissing him was different from any way she had before. This was like she wanted something. Something more. And so she pulled away from him for a moment and her hands rested on the buttons of his shirt.
"Can you take your shirt off?" she suddenly asked and the tone of her voice was so calm that it surprised Max. It didn't go with the request that she had just made.
"What?" he asked, his mind being drifted away from the image of Liz's unconcious body in the jeep and to Liz's present body leaning over him.
"Max what would happen if we.." Max was pretty sure of what she was going to say and he closed his eyes slowly, as if attempting to wake himself up. This wasn't Liz at all. It was her, she was sitting next to him and her voice sounded the same, but everything about the words coming out of her mouth wasn't right. Asking him to take his shirt off? The fact that they were even at Buckley Point. All he wanted to do was talk to Liz, and now she was bringing up a matter that - by all means he had thought about before - but only complicated everything, a matter that he wasn't ready to deal with and he knew neither was she.
"Liz," he stated her name softly and moving his hands to hers, gently moved them to her side and away from the buttons of his shirt.
"The fact that you're like...I mean do you even know what could happen?" she questioned and he was quick to respond.
"No!" he said it with some frustration in his voice and she seemed surprised by his tone. "I don't know anything about myself! I don't even know who I am," his voice wavered and though she heard the words, she seemed to ignore them.
"Would a condom even work?" she questioned boldly and at the remark Max actually edged away.
"I have no idea. Liz, what's going on?" he asked worriedly, knowing full well that this wasn't Liz and that something was causing her to do this.
"Nothing, Max," she dismissed innocently and leaned over the seat towards him. "Let's just," she took his face in her hands again and he edged away. At the action Liz seemed hurt. "Why can't you just -"
"Why can't I just! Because I have no idea what could happen!" Max thundered back truthfully. Right now the last thing he wanted to do was put Liz in any sort of danger again. And he had no idea what could happen.
"I'm not talking about.." Liz held her face in her hands and seemed embarrassed. "God, I'm talking about..." she hesitated and looked up at him with a much different face. The look in her face now was one Max had seen before. It had been the look on her that Friday night he had come to her doorstep. "Kiss me, Max," she said desperately, looking up to him.
"What? I - I've kissed" he began to protest, utterly confused by the statement and she shook her head.
"I'm kissing you...and you haven't kissed me back," she finally said softly. "The past *two weeks*," she said the words with some disbelief. Like she knew that the past two weeks had been a lie. "Even at the hospital..and I tried to push it away, but -" her voice was shaky and Max felt beyond guilty. He had kissed her. He had kissed her plenty of times. But he should have known that Liz would have sensed something. That the way that he kissed her was like the way that he lived his life now.
*But I would not sleep in this bed of lies So toss me out and turn in And there'll be no rest for these tired eyes I'm marking it down to learning *
"I can't keep lying," he whispered and he wasn't even looking at her when he said the words, he was staring straight ahead.
"What?"
"I can't keep lying," he said louder this time. "I can't pretend none of it happened, Liz because it did. And it's my fault -"
"Max, I thought we agreed to -"
"I can't..." he faltered and was unable to say anything more. He looked down at his watch. It was 12:56. So much for getting her home before twelve. Liz wanted to say something, Max wanted to say something. But he grabbed the keys and started the jeep. Neither said anything on the ride to the Crashdown. Too much had just been said in that last minute. Liz, over the first feeling of humiliation, now was just hurt by Max's rejection and his failure to respond or at least say something to her.
*I am all that I'll ever be When you - lay your hands Over me And don't go weak on me now I know that it's weak But God help me I need this *
He parked the jeep outside of the Crashdown, and as she moved her hand to the doorhandle, he knew he couldn't let her go like this. He couldn't let her go again. He couldn't let these feeling beneath the surface stay there. He couldn't kiss her, and all the while pretend to be someone else. He knew exactly what Liz meant when she had said that he hadn't kissed her the past two weeks. He hadn't. But he did now. Max clasped his hand around her arm and spun her around, pressing her mouth against his. He held onto her arm with one hand and moved the other hand behind her head. And he kissed her the way he had before. Before everything. He cupped her face in his hands and he kissed her like he had wanted to for so long. Like he had in his dreams. He said everything that he couldn't say in the kiss, he apologized in the kiss and every emotion he had felt since he had walked away from her over a month ago was in the kiss. And she began kissing him almost like she needed him to live, like kissing him would make all the pain of the past two weeks, of the past month go away. He could sense that this was something she needed, that this was what she had wanted when she had insisted they go to Buckley Point and somewhere along the line tears began to run down her face and Max just kissed them away. Neither said anything, they didn't exchange a word. And he wasn't lying anymore. This was his reconciliation with Liz.
Right now he wasnt lying. Right now he didn't have to talk. Right now everything was okay between them and the tears ran down her face as the vulnerability that he knew existed in her began to emerge. She had been so strong for so long. Too long. Even in the hospital she hadn't seemed too disturbed by anything. Not as long as Max was there. But now he was there, he was kissing her and she seemed unable to hold anything back. She kissed him and kissed him and kissed him and found herself unable to break away. Right now there were no more lies. Right now everything was okay. But then Jeff Parker walked through the back door of the Crashdown.
It wasn't as if Mr. Parker had dragged Liz out of the car. But when Liz opened up her eyes and saw him standing there in the door she jumped back in surprise.
"What?" Max had whispered nudging towards her, not wanting the kiss to end. Liz just moved away and Max opened up his mouth again.
"I have to go," was all she had said, beginning to slip out of the car. And then though she knew her father could see her, she leaned across the seat and kissed Max one last time. Max had been more than confused by her behavior, but when he turned around and watched her walk in the door and saw her father standing there - staring at him - his only impulse was to run. And so he had sped away in the jeep like a coward, leaving Liz to be met by the wrath of her father. Alone.
Mr. Parker didn't say anything for a time. He simply stood across from where Liz was sitting on the couch and waited. He waited for her to say something, to indicate something, to show that she was sorry, but Liz did nothing. Of all things, she seemed to have a content look on her face. A look that almost seemed to say nothing could ruin her mood at this time.
Her mother walked in the room though, and then something did.
"This is ridiculous," were the first words out of her mother's mouth and Liz's head shot up at the comment. "Your father and I have been afraid to confront you about this, we've been too afraid you're still...I don't know - traumatized from, from everything," her mother sputtered and she paused and looked to her daughter. "But you really care a lot for this boy -"
"Max, mom - you can call him by his name," Liz said, uncharacteristically in defiance of her mother.
"Too much," her mother quickly said and Liz actually laughed at the comment.
"I care about him too much? You're saying - what, I can't - I can't care about a person? I can't be in a relationship with someone that I lo-" but Mr. Parker quickly spoke before Liz could finish what she was saying.
"Lizzie, you're in high school," he stated and her face wrinkled at the comment.
"What - what is that supposed to -"
"You're in high school and you're in this relationship most people don't get into until they're halfway done with their lives." The realization of the words coming from her parents caught Liz off guard and she didn't say anything. "Okay, and it's gotten to the point where -"
"It put you in the hospital, Liz!" her mother suddenly said, "he put you in a coma - what because you had a falling out? Because things got a little rocky between-"
"I wasn't in a coma," Liz said calmly, "and he did not put me into the hospital, he..." Liz stopped midsentence and looked up to her parents, signs of weakness beginning to show on her face. "He's the one who slept by my bed every night, not you -"
"And that's just it, Liz," her father said firmly. "You're putting him before us and before everything. You're in high school and you have too many other things -" Liz shook her head, knowing exactly where her parents were headed with the conversation.
"No," her jaw tightened and so did the muscles in her face. "No," she stated resolutely.
"No what? No, your boyfriend is more important than school?" her mother challenged.
"No, you have no right to control my life!" Liz fired and she stood up from the couch now.
"I say I'm your father and I do," Mr. Parker countered and Liz snapped her head around to look at him.
"That's what this is all about.." she shook her head in disbelief, "you're jealous of, Max."
"I'm jealous of Max?" Mr. Parker's mouth turned up at the notion - of his sixteen year old daughter telling him what he felt.
"Yes! you're upset because of the fact that - that there's another person that I can go to -"
"That there's a person whose obstructing the way you live their life."
"Obstructing??" Liz almost yelled.
"Yes, obstructing. Since you've been with Max, he has obstructed your -"
"Since I met Max, I have been the happiest that I have ever been in my entire life," Liz said before her father could even finish his statement. "Why can't you be happy for me? Why can't you even open your eyes enough to *see* that? To see that I'm happy, that I'm....You - you're too busy...kicking Max out of my hospital room to realize that maybe..maybe I need him."
"You're sixteen, you don't know what you need," Mr. Parker mumbled incredulously.
"I know what love is," she said softly, not even believing where this conversation had gone and what she was saying to her parents. She didn't talk about stuff like this with her parents. "I know that -"
"Don't even say it, Lizzie," her mother put up her hands.
"That I love Max?" Liz looked to her mother, knowing it was that which she didn't want to hear. "That he loves me?" Neither of her parents said anything, it almost looked like they had been fearing the words. "Maybe if you actually just talked to him, if you talked to his parents, if you -"
"Lizzie, there's no working around this -"
"No," Liz shook her head again, refusing to hear what she knew her parents were about to say.
"You and Max - "
"No," Liz interrupted, yet her father continued.
"Have to stop -"
"No," she shook her head and began to take small backwards steps towards the door.
"You have to stop seeing each other," he finally said. Liz had been fearing the words for the past two weeks, more importantly the past two minutes and it seemed unreal. And she knew her parents, well enough to know that they had probably talked to the Evans about it, that they would take measures to insure Max and her ended it.
"If you talk to his parents..." Liz said again, almost seeming to be in a daze. "We'll - we'll tone it down, okay we'll slow down our relationship, we - we won't -"
"You can't," Mrs. Parker said the words softly, and it wasn't so much of an attack as her other comments had been. "You can't. Liz, your father and I aren't blind. You and Max can't slow it down, you can't control it -" at the words hope began to fill Liz.
"Then you understand?" she asked desperately, holding back the cry beginning to rise in her throat. "I mean you said so yourself - you just said..." and then looking up at the firmness of her mother's face she began shaking her head and a tear dripped down her face and onto the floor. "You can't do this, mom."
"Lizzie, we're doing it 'cos we care about you - alright, this is..." her father held up his hand, "this is high school."
"If you realize that we can't slow down, if we can't....what makes you think we can stay apart?" she said through a blurry mask of tears in her eyes.
"Liz," what her father feared was coming true as he watched his daughter almost crumble and die in front of him and he hated to say the next words to her, the way that they sounded, but he was doing it for her. He was doing it because the way she was functioning now was a way she couldn't for the rest of her life. "Liz, you have to end it.." he stated firmly again, "or we will." She looked at her father, her face a mixture between total despair, confusion and hate. She began to back towards the door again and her mother called to her warningly. Liz didn't hear it though, all she heard was that final ultimatum from her father. All she heard was her father telling her and Max to do something that was impossible. Especially not now, not when they had so many things they still had to talk about and to confront. She thought about the unfinished kiss in his jeep less than an hour ago. The kiss she had been waiting for since she first opened up her eyes in the hospital bed.
"Liz," her father called just like her mother had, as her feet began to edge towards the door. "Liz," he called her name again, but faster than she had ever run before she bolted out the door and down the street.
Max was always the one who came to Liz's door and to her window. So when Max glanced out the window and first saw Liz, he at first dismissed it to his imagination. But one look at her tear-stained face, and at her red-rimmed eyes and he immediately opened up the windows. She didn't even say anything and as he helped her into the room and through the window, she simply collapsed into his arms. Max's head was still spinning from the kiss they had shared in the jeep and even moreso from the sight of her father in the doorway, from the fact that they still had so much to talk about. But she cried like he had never seen her cry before into his shoulder and his hand immediately moved to the back of her neck and he wrapped his arms around her and stroked her hair.
"Shhhhh.." he whispered softly, in an attempt to calm her down enough so he could find out what was wrong and she just dug her fingers into his back and buried her face deeper into his shoulder. He had no idea what had caused her to break down like this, though he was pretty sure it had one thing or another to do with her father. He slowly stepped backwards towards his bed, all the while holding her tightly in his arms. Her feet dragged slowly along the floor and he kissed her atop the head, smoothing her hair down. "I'm right here..." he mumbled softly, "it's gonna be okay, I'm right here.." he whispered again and suddenly she broke away and tilted her head up at him. Max just looked at her distraught face and his fingertips brushed her cheek lightly. He knew he shouldn't, he should find out what was wrong, and she knew she shouldn't because she had to talk to him. But in the past two weeks, the most communication they had had was when they had kissed in his car earlier that night, and so she kissed him. And he took her face in his hands and kissed her. Her hands hurriedly moved to the buttons of his shirt and, what Liz had started to do in the car happened as the shirt quickly slipped off his shoulders. She knew it was wrong. They both knew they had to talk. And Max tilted her head to the side and his mouth traveled down to her neck. It felt so wrong, but it felt so good.
She allowed him the pleasure for as long as he wanted and his mouth remained buried in her neck, by her ear and her chin until it was she who could no longer take it. She picked his head up with her hands and he knew he shouldn't, but he slipped the cardigan off her shoulders. Self-control was non-existent and his mouth came down on her shoulder again and they were on his bed. Nevermind that Isabelle was probably in the next room, that his parents were probably upstairs in their room right above him. All that mattered right now and all that he could think about was Liz. About how fake the past two weeks had been and about how real these past two minutes were. About how he and Liz were on his bed. How they were progressing to a place Max had never been before.
And suddenly all the questions Liz had brought up in the car that night began to flood Max's mind. What could happen? How dangerous would it be? What risk would Liz be at? And he mumbled her name softly. She smiled and kissed him, running her hands along his back and he said her name again, this time more forcefully. More like he wanted to stop. But he looked to her, laying beneath him on the bed, her arms outstretched around him and he moved in to kiss her again. He couldn't stop. His hands moved to the loose straps of her white tank top and his mouth came down onto her bare shoulder. Her eyes closed as she just tangled her hand up in his short dark hair. Max stopped caressing her shoulder with his mouth for a moment and just rested his head so it was buried in her neck. And he just lay there like that for a moment, absorbing everything, taking everything in, smelling Liz's sweet aromatizing fragrance. He sighed loudly, more to himself than to her.
"We can't..." he mumbled the words, his mouth muffled against her neck.
"Max?" Liz questioned. She had heard something, but she didn't know what. And Max rolled over onto his back so he was laying next to her.
"We can't," he stated, looking over to her and she just bit her lip. She wondered who would be the one to stop, who would be the one to do the right thing. She hadn't been strong enough to stop herself, but she should have known Max would be. "We can't just..." Max's voice drifted and he looked to her and to where his shirt lay discarded on the floor, and she knew what he meant, "-and not talk about, we can't ignore everything that's happened and..." he paused for a moment. "That's not healthy," he said it with a strain in his voice. "I mean I...I used to - I talked to you about everything. Talking to you was easier than talking to Isabelle, to anyone..but now.." Liz sat up and she looked down to where he was laying peacefully, despite the contorted look on his face, looking up at the ceiling.
"I missed you," she said quietly and though the statement seemed random, he knew what she meant and he sat up also.
"I'm sorry.." he suddenly admitted, not so much in reference to his behavior the past two weeks as to everything. "I know what you're gonna say, and I've heard it from so many people, but.." his hand moved up to the place high on her forehead, where there was still a faint scar from the accident.
"Max -" she began to object, just like he knew she would.
"No," he shook his head, "No look, I just..I know everyone says it's not my fault and they say - they say that stuff like this just happens.." Max took a deep breath, "but they weren't in the jeep that night, and - I know that - that none of it would have happened -" Liz interrupted suddenly.
"That's not healthy, Max," she responded simply and when he opened up his mouth again she continued. "I was in the jeep and I saw the other car -"
"I put you in the hospital," Max finally said the fact that had been eating him up inside.
"You saved my life," Liz looked him intently in the eye. "And whatever it is you *think* that you did..you have to know that the day..the day I met you, that we first...that's the day my life began," she confessed. "And I can't even...imagine my life without you."
"Your life would be normal without me," Max stated simply in response, looking down on the bed.
"No, I wouldn't have a life without you," she said the words so casually they made Max jerk his head up. Everything she was saying was everything that Max had ever felt, everything he had never told he. When Isabelle had asked him to explain to her why he had told Liz their secret, he had responded with almost the same exact words. That Liz made him alive. Even before he was friends wither her, before he had even talked to her, knowing her is what made him alive.
"You have to know," Max cleared his throat, "that the whole reason that I...I was scared, Liz." She knew exactly what he was referring to and though the memories of that night were painful, she simply nodded her head. All the things Max had meant to say for the past month he found himself confessing to her as he layed next to her on the bed. "I mean - scared of the things I was feeling because, I've never...*Being* with you is so much more amazing than I ever imagined and I had..I had all these feelings I wasn't ready to deal with, and it's like -" he propped himself up onto his arm and looked over at her.
"I know," Liz nodded her head, "I know, Max - I was feeling the same thing, so the fact that you..that you ran away -"
"Liz -" Max began to protest, and he could tell she still had harbored feelings about that night.
"That you walked away, that you left," Liz paused. "It's like you were giving up...
"Don't think that," he shook his head.
"I can't help it," she shrugged. "And I mean you were scared...so was I!"
"I know -"
"And that message.." her voice drifted. She still had it saved on her machine.
"Liz -"
"I know you say that you were drunk -"
"It's the truth, Liz."
"But why were you drunk? If you were upset why couldn't you just talk to me?"
"Honestly?" Max's voice creaked and Liz just nodded her head. "Because you wouldn't talk to me." At the words, Liz's eyes shifted away from Max. "And that's the worst feeling I've ever had."
"But it's behind us now," Liz edged towards him, seeming to want to get past it all. "And Max... none of it was your fault..." He simply looked at her, his eyebrows raised like he wanted to say something more, but all he did was reach across her and turn his bedside lamp off. He didn't have to say anything, without a word she cuddled up against his bare chest, and with his arm draped over her and their legs intertwined at the end of the bed they fell asleep together.