I’ll Be There (AU M/L MATURE) Sequel, Pt 25 - COMPLETE, 9/5

[Heavenli24]

Hey guys, thanks for all your feedback and comments :

Erina – Yep, the truth is out, so let’s just hope that things are going to get better again soon
jbangelo – The truth was a long time coming, and now that Max knows, Liz can start to get better
roswell3053 – Yep, support in the form of Max has arrived, lol.
ISLANDGIRL5 – Isn’t Max just the perfect man?
youre my dreamgirl – You’re right about it being the wrong time for Max and Liz to get into a relationship again. Liz needs time to heal and luckily, Max is willing to help her.
anonymousarfan – Everything finally got too much for her and she had to let it out – finally .
Roswell 10/2/00 – I’ve actually gone through some of what Liz is going through myself a couple of times, although it usually goes away by itself if I change my routine (i.e. when I started university and also after I graduated). I’m not sure that I necessarily agree with giving medication for depression. I think there’s too big a chance of becoming dependent on it and I’m not sure that it actually helps to get to the root of the problem. I do think that Max is to be too good to be true, though – maybe in an ideal world, lol.
POM – I know what you mean, I’ve felt it before as well – it’s not fun , but Liz is going to get the help she needs to get better.
francesca – Thanks, I’m glad you’re enjoying it
Emz80m – Thanks . Yeah, Liz just needs to get better now.


I've had a bit more time than I thought I would have to use the computer, so I'm posting part 11 now. I'll try to get the next part out around the end of the week, but since I only have 1.5 more parts done, I'm going to try to get more written before then (I've barely written 3 parts in the last month, compared to the first 10 parts of this story which I finished in one week!).


***


Part Eleven

Saturday March 5th 2005

It’s been 3 days since I told Max the truth about what I’ve been going through recently. Even though we weren’t even speaking a week ago, he seems to have seamlessly slipped right back into his best friend role, with barely a mention of how things ended between us last month. Although I know that we can’t ignore what happened then, right now I’m grateful that he’s not pressuring me about it.

On Wednesday, he cooked one of my favourite dinners, and sat with me the entire time while I ate. After he’d taken the empty plates downstairs, he made me scoot up in the bed and tried to cheer me up by watching Friends DVD’s with me all evening. He knelt by the bed, stroking my hair as I drifted off to sleep, and then when I woke up on Thursday morning, I found him sat downstairs in the kitchen with Jack, and they were actually holding a civilised conversation. By the looks on their faces as I entered, I could tell that they’d been talking about me, and my situation, but for once I didn’t mind. I know they both have my best interests at heart.

After breakfast, Max walked me to the university’s counselling offices and encouraged me to make an appointment to talk to someone. You know, a year ago I would never have even guessed that I might someday need to see a counsellor, but I know I need to get some help. I can’t do this alone any more and just having Max and Jack to talk to isn’t going to get to the root of my problems…

The shrill sound of the phone suddenly interrupts my train of thought and I put down my pen as I pick up the receiver.

“Hello?”

“Hey, how are you doing?”

I fight the urge to roll my eyes. It’s Max. Again. He’s being really sweet and has called me to see how I’m doing. The problem is, this is the sixth time he’s done it in the last two days.

“I’m still fine, Max,” I exclaim, slightly annoyed. “Really.”

I had my first counselling session yesterday, with a lovely woman named Dr. Jones. She was really kind and understanding as I told her how I’d been feeling lately and assured me that I definitely wasn’t the only person to go through something like this. Although I kind of already knew that, hearing her actually say it somehow made me feel a bit better about everything. It was like another weight had been lifted and I actually felt a flicker of hope that maybe I would finally be able to feel like myself again.

“Okay, okay…I’m annoying you, aren’t I?” Max’s voice brings me back to the present and I almost smile at his apologetic tone.

“Just a little bit,” I inform him. “And before you ask; no, I don’t need you to come round and see me today. Becca and I are having a girls’ day. Just us,” I say. “No guys allowed,” I add for emphasis.

See, Max has come to the conclusion that now he knows what’s wrong with me, he has to check on me and make sure I’m okay every minute of the day. It’s like he thinks that if he leaves me alone for a moment, I’ll burst into tears like I did on Wednesday. And you know what? He’s probably right. Being on my own just gives me more time to dwell on everything that’s gone wrong in my life; but what Max doesn’t seem to get is that there are other people that I can spend time with and not just him. Besides, I’ve decided that I really ought to tell Becca about my depression; after all, she is one of my best friends here. She deserves to know.

“But actually, there is something I wanted to ask you,” I tell him then.

“Oh?”

“But not over the phone,” I add quickly. “Can you come over tomorrow? We can talk then.”

“Um…sure,” agrees Max. He sounds a little confused and I feel kind of guilty for not elaborating a bit. Thing is, I really don’t want to ask him this over the phone.

“Okay, great.” I glance at the clock. “Look, I’d better go now, otherwise Becca’s going to be breaking my door down in a minute and demanding to know why I’m not ready to leave.”

“Alright. Well, I guess I’ll see you tomorrow, then,” he almost sounds disappointed. “What time? In the morning?”

“Sure, I’ll give you a call when I’m awake,” I tell him, knowing that he’s likely to be up before me anyway.

“Okay, then. Well…Bye, Liz.” His goodbye sounds a little stilted, like he hasn’t quite gotten used to not saying ‘I love you’ at the end of the conversation. To be honest, it wasn’t so hard for me to stop saying it. By the end, it was becoming quite an effort to force the words out of my mouth anyway.

“Bye, Max.” I listen for him to hang up his end, before clicking my phone off. I sit on the bed for a moment, before exhaling loudly and standing up to get ready for a day of shopping with my housemate.

***

“Oh my God, that dress was so gorgeous!” Becca exclaims dramatically as we exit the clothes store and head towards the mall’s food court. “I think I’m gonna have to go back and buy it later.”

I suppress a snort of laughter at her proclamation. We both know that she’ll be going back to buy the dress after lunch. Once she gets an idea in her head, she just can’t let it go until she’s either resolved it…or bought it. Wide-eyed and faking an innocent expression, Becca turns to me as if she’s surprised at my muffled reaction, but the moment our eyes meet, we both crack up. Still sniggering, we pick up some food at Panda Express and take a seat at one of the bright, plastic tables in the food court.

“So,” she says a few minutes later. “I’ve noticed that you and Max have become pretty chummy the last couple of days. You guys back on again?”

“Um…” I swallow, glancing down at my food so as to avoid her intense gaze. I’d almost forgotten that she doesn’t know what’s been going on with me lately. Oh well, I guess that now is as good a time as any to tell her. “No, actually, we’re not. Back together, that is,” I clarify.

Becca frowns in confusion. “But you and he…I mean, he spent the night Wednesday, didn’t he?” When I nod in confirmation, she continues with a shake of her head, “Oh, Liz, please don’t tell me you guys did the one-night-stand thing. I couldn’t bare that – you guys are my inspiration for how to maintain a good relationship!” I almost laugh at her mortified expression; I didn’t think Becca was capable of staying with one guy for more than a couple of weeks.

“No, no, it was nothing like that,” I reassure her quickly. “Max crashed on the living room couch that night.” I pause before launching into the difficult task of revealing the real reason for Max’s presence that night to her. “Becca, there’s something I need to tell you.”

“Oh, God!” She leans towards me, lowering her voice slightly. “You’re not…pregnant, are you?”

“No, I’m not pregnant,” I assure her quickly. “It has to do with why Max and I broke up and also why he’s been around the last few days.”

“Go on,” she urges, sounding both curious and sympathetic now.

“Well, okay…it’s actually not so much to do with Max, but more to do with me. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I haven’t really been feeling myself for the last few months,” I start.

She frowns, “What do you mean? Apart from these few weeks, you’ve seemed fine to me.”

“I guess I’ve been hiding it pretty well, then,” I reply. “Look, Becca, the truth is…I’ve been suffering from depression since September.”

It’s not as hard as you might think to get those words out; in fact, it’s actually a relief. I’ve known what’s been happening to me for a while now, but I’ve just been too chicken to confide in anyone (except Jack, that is). God, it took a very public shouting match between him and Max for me to finally break.

Becca’s expression softens, “Depression? Liz…I’m sorry, I didn’t know. Why didn’t you say anything? You know we’re all here for you, right?”

I nod, “I know that, I do, but I just couldn’t. I guess I didn’t want my problems to spill over into your lives.”

“So, you didn’t tell anyone, not even Max?”

“No, Max didn’t find out until this week, but Jack did know. I kind of had to tell him a few months ago.” I don’t elaborate, but even so, I think she’s got the picture.

“You told Jack…” she muses for a moment. “Wow, everything makes so much more sense now!” she exclaims suddenly.

I just watch her, a puzzled expression creeping across my face. What makes sense now?

“Tim and I…we kind of thought that you and Jack might be…you know,” she says, with raised eyebrows. “And maybe that was the real reason you and Max broke up.”

I shake my head violently as the thought of being intimate with Jack pops into my head. God, no! I can’t even imagine being with anyone else except Max. Only problem right now is that I can’t seem to feel the way I’m supposed to about him.

“Me and Jack? No way. We’re friends and that’s all we’ve ever been,” I reassure her. “He’s been really great actually. In fact, I don’t think I could have got through these months as well as I did, if I hadn’t had him to talk to.”

Becca sits back in her chair, her hand to her chest. “Phew, thank god for that. I didn’t want to have to be around when that little love triangle came out in the open.”

“Well, there’s definitely no danger of that!” I tell her with a chuckle, before sobering quickly and looking over at her. “Anyway, I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about this before. I guess I really shouldn’t have kept it all to myself for so long, but Max knows now and he’s going to help me get through it,” I say, more confidently than I’m feeling, adding, “I’ve started going to counselling.”

“Hey, that’s great. You’ll get through this; don’t worry, Liz. And you know we’ll always be here for you if you need to talk. Anytime.”

“Thanks, Bex. Thank you for understanding.”

“Not a problem, Liz,” she smiles. “That’s what friends are for.”

In relief, I let out the breath I didn’t realise I was holding and return to my food. I’m glad it’s out in the open now. Maybe this was what I needed all along to help me get better.

***

I actually get a good night’s sleep that night, after Becca and I enjoy a night at the movies and a good gossip over hot chocolate in the living room. It’s like I don’t have to pretend to be happy and hide how I’m feeling anymore. In fact, I think I actually have a smile on my face when I wake up in the morning.

I call Max at ten-fifteen and we arrange to meet at the coffee shop on the corner of his road. He’s already there when I arrive; his jacket-covered back to me, and his head down, as if he’s reading something. As I get close enough to peer over his shoulder, I realise that he is in fact nursing a steaming cup of coffee and his gaze is focused on the swirling foam resting on the top as he stirs the liquid mindlessly.

“Hey,” I announce quietly, moving round the table so that I’m face-to-face with him. He looks up with a small smile. “Thanks for meeting me,” I say as I slip into the seat across from him.

“No problem.” He stops stirring his coffee and places the spoon on the napkin on the table beside the mug. “So, you said you wanted to ask me something?”

Wow, he’s being direct this morning; I’ve barely gotten settled in my seat yet!

“Um, yeah,” I reply. “I do. But just let me get some coffee first; I’m not totally awake yet.”

He nods and I make my way over to the counter to order a drink. Less than five minutes later, we’re sat opposite each other at the table again. There’s a short period of silence between us as I shrug off my coat and take a tentative sip of the very hot drink in front me. It’s not really an uncomfortable silence, just a strange one. It’s weird; one minute Max and I are just like normal – best friends like we used to be back in high school – and the next, the memories of the last couple of years come back and we’re slightly uncomfortable being in each other’s presence.

“So,” I start eventually. “I wanted to ask you a favour; a pretty big one, actually.”

“Okay…what is it?”

“I know we’re not…a couple…right now and that I haven’t been treating you that well recently, but I want to you understand how I’ve been feeling and what I’ve been going through.”

“Alright…” Max is watching me intently at this point; as if studying my face will somehow tell him what I’m going to ask.

“And, well, the best way I think that can happen is if…you come with me when I go to see Dr. Jones,” I continue quickly. “Max, I want you to be there, in the room with me, during my sessions with her. I want you to be involved with this too, because I want us to get through this and I think that it would help if you knew exactly what’s been going on with me. So, Max, will you come; please?”

“Of course I will, Liz,” he assures me warmly. “Whatever you need to make this easier for you, I’m here to help. As long as it’s not against the rules or anything – I don’t want to be an unwelcome presence.”

“Oh, no, it’s perfectly okay. I asked Dr. Jones at the end of our meeting on Friday and she agreed that if I thought it would help, then by all means, you should come along too.”

“Okay then, I’ll be there. When’s your next appointment?”

“Tuesday afternoon,” I inform him. “And I have another on Thursday at the same time – four o’clock.”

He smiles, “Well, it just so happens that I’m free then, so how about we meet outside the building just before four?”

“Okay, great.”

We share a friendly glance and then turn back to our rapidly cooling drinks. We end up spending almost two hours sitting there in the coffee shop, talking about this and that. It’s nice to spend time with Max again, without the pressure of having to be anything more than just a friend to him right now.

TBC…

[Heavenli24]

Hey guys, thanks for being so patient again. I’ve been holding off on posting this part because I’ve barely finished the next one yet and wanted to keep a few parts ahead. Unfortunately, I’ve been feeling really tired, rundown and headache-y for the last 2 weeks and have barely had the energy to write anything. I’m hoping that I’ll finally get some more done this week and catch up with new parts .

PS. Thanks for understanding about my stupid mistake with the names

Thanks for all your comments :

Erina – Yeah, Liz is starting to make progress at last .

candycane14 – Thanks . Sometimes I wish I hadn’t made it so angsty, because I just want to add something fun in! But I can’t, not just yet anyway, lol.

youre my dreamgirl – Yep, it’s starting to look up now, and Liz can start picking up the pieces of her life .

roswell3053 – I know it’s not common practice to have someone come along to counselling with you, but I think part of Liz’s problem is that she couldn’t tell Max how she felt in normal circumstances. Maybe this will help.

anonymousarfan – It’s going to be hard for Max to hear some of what Liz has to say, but I don’t feel that he can truly understand what she’s going through unless he hears it for himself. It may be a way to bridge the gaps in both their friendship and relationship.

lazza – Yeah, depression is kind of like a taboo subject and it’s not something that people usually admit to in public. That’s why I think it’s easier to keep it all bottled up and also why it’s so hard to put yourself out there and admit that there’s something wrong.

Alien614 – Let’s hope so . It’s not necessarily going to be easy, but hopefully Liz can get better now.

Emz80m – I guess Max is going to have a tough time (I haven’t decided on everything that’s going to be discussed yet), but he knows that they both need to deal with what’s going on and I think he’ll be able to help Liz, no matter how he feels about it.

clueless – Yeah, we know some of what’s been happening to her, but not everything is out in the open yet.

jbangelo – I might see if a mod can unlock the thread so I can edit it, but I just haven’t had the time to do it yet .

kiwigirl – I’m glad that you and your boyfriend/now husband managed to work through what happened with you . In this story, I wanted to show that what was happening to Liz could be worked through and it wouldn’t mean the end of their relationship – just some pretty bad bumps in the road. After all, life often isn’t always happy and fun, and everyone has problems of some form of another.

maya – Thanks .

POM – I have no idea what to say here in reply to your FB – I can totally relate to what you’ve written (even the lack of hunky ex-boyfriend part ). When I sat down to write this story, I wanted to capture the feelings and the hopelessness of it all, so it’s good to hear that you can understand it. I was partly thinking that writing about it might be therapeutic, but it’s actually just reminding me of how I’ve felt in the past !



Quick note: I was wondering if anyone who is planning on going to Rosdeidre’s chat on Wednesday night, might be able to save the transcript of it (if that’s possible)? I was planning on staying up for it, but have been asked to work nights next week and so I’ll be at work when the chat is on . I’ve read my copy of Parallel Attraction now and was really looking forward to the chat, but now I can’t go!

***


Part Twelve

I don’t see Max again until Tuesday, which is when we agreed to meet up before my second counselling session. It’s strange that after only meeting with Dr. Jones once, I actually feel much better about my situation. It’s like, now that someone’s told me that what I’m going through is pretty common, it’s doesn’t seem quite so bad as I thought. As I approach the counselling services building at five to four, I notice that Max is already there. I smile at how he looks almost nervous, wrapped up in a coat, as he waits for me. Watching him from this distance, it’s like I can forget for a moment that anything bad happened between us at all and I can look at him like I used to – like he’s the only guy in the world.

But the moment is broken when he looks up and sees me walking towards him. Suddenly I’m back in the present again, the fact that my problems made such a mess of our relationship slamming back into me. I manage a weak smile as I reach Max and stop just in front of him.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” he replies. “You alright?”

“Yeah,” I reply. We stand there for a moment, neither one of us making a move to go inside, until I can’t bear it any longer. “So, shall we go in?”

“Sure.”

We turn to face the door and there’s a slight hesitation from Max, as he seems about to take my hand, but then pulls away and opens the door for me instead. I sigh inwardly. Have I really made the right choice in asking him to be involved like this? Or is it just going to be too hard on both of us? I don’t have much time to dwell on it though, because it’s time for my appointment with Dr. Jones. Here we go, I think as I enter her office with Max in tow. This is when Max finds out just how screwed up I really am and realises that I’m not worth the trouble.

Okay, so I know that I was the one who asked him to come with me, but now I’m having second thoughts about him knowing all the private things that have been going on in my mind lately. Suddenly I’m hit with an irrational fear that after this, he’s going to turn his back and walk away. I’ll admit that I have been acting like a bitch towards him this year, but the thought of him leaving my life completely, when I’m as vulnerable as I am right now, makes me want to scream in pain.

How did my emotions get so screwed up like this? One minute I can’t stand Max smothering me with his attention and the next I can’t bear for him to walk away.

God, I’m an idiot, aren’t I? I should have just come clean with Max and got help when it first started. Then maybe this wouldn’t be happening now.

I’m so caught up in my inner debate that I barely notice as Max informs the receptionist that we’re here and then guides me down the corridor to Dr. Jones’ office. It’s only when we stop outside her door and Max asks me if I’m totally sure I want him here that I snap out of it, and then make up my mind that despite my sudden paranoia, I really do want him to understand what’s wrong with me.

***

“And how did you cope with those feelings, Liz?” Dr. Jones asks gently. There are tears steaming down my face as she makes me relive those awful weeks back in September and October.

“I didn’t,” I state softly, my voice hitching slightly as I speak. “Not really. All I could do was curl up in a ball and let them wash over me. I felt so helpless and unhappy. I didn’t know what else I could do.”

I don’t dare glance at Max, who is sitting in a chair just a foot away from me, but I know that he’s watching me carefully. He’s probably wearing an expression of concern and worry for me, and I don’t want to see that in his eyes right now.

“So, you didn’t talk to anyone about what was happening?”

I shake my head. “I couldn’t. I didn’t think anyone would understand, and I felt like I’d be burdening them or something,” I admit. Out of the corner of my downcast gaze, I can see Max straighten in his seat, his feet changing position slightly on the floor.

Dr. Jones doesn’t say anything about my reply, but moves right on; something I’m glad of. “But you did tell your friend Jack eventually.” I nod. “Why did you feel comfortable enough to confide in him and not anybody else?” she asks then, but I can hear the unspoken question. Why not Max?

I glance up to find her looking me, her expression sympathetic. I shrug, “I don’t know. I didn’t want to tell him, but he caught me crying one day and I couldn’t deny that something was wrong. After that, I guess he became my confidant. I’m not really sure why I felt I could talk to him. Maybe it was because he wasn’t as close to me as Max. I felt I could talk to him without any pressure to be a girlfriend to him.”

Again, I still can’t look at Max, but I do find myself wondering what he’s thinking about all this. I know that he needs to know, but I really hope that it doesn’t change his opinion of me.

I needn’t have worried though, because suddenly a warm hand slips into mine and squeezes gently. Slowly, I raise my eyes to find Max looking at me with a mixture of both sympathy and concern.

“Liz, it’s okay,” he tells me, his voice just above a whisper. “I understand.”

I’m relieved that he’s being so accommodating about this and also grateful that he’s putting his own feelings aside to help me, and so I smile at him through my tears, my hand tightening around his slightly to assure him that I appreciate his concern.

“Liz,” Dr. Jones interrupts our moment in an attempt to get my attention once more. “Can you think of anything that might have brought all this on? Could this depression have been related to any particular event in your life or maybe something you felt like you were missing?” she asks gently.

I certainly didn’t expect her question, but as I sit in the chair, Max’s hand still clutching mine, I begin to think back over my life. Has anything ever happened to me that might have caused me to become depressed? I can’t think of anything major or life changing, but still…

“There is…something,” I start hesitantly. I feel Max’s fingers squeeze mine, as if in preparation of hearing what I have to say. “It’s nothing bad,” I reassure him. “It’s just…when I was growing up and becoming a teenager, I guess I never really felt like I was that important to people. Until Max, that was,” I tell her.

“Can you elaborate, Liz?”

I suck in a breath, “Well, don’t get me wrong; I come from a loving, caring family, but I just don’t think I felt that anybody could really love me…as in ‘I want to spend forever with you’ love me. No one…except for my grandmother,” I roll my eyes, “ever told me that I was beautiful. Not even my boyfriends,” I admit. “Max is the only person who’s ever said that to me and really meant it.”

A small sound comes from beside me and I turn my head to find Max gazing at me with this expression on his face. I don’t know if I can describe it. He looks almost… sorrowful.

My eyes fixed on Max, I continue, “Lately, all my fears that I won’t be able to have someone to spend the rest of my life with keep coming back. Even though I was with you, Max, some part of me still doubted that we could really be happy and that you would really want to spend the rest of your life with me. I was sure that eventually, you would get tired of me and not want me anymore.” My voice cracks as I finish the sentence and I can do nothing to stop the tears falling once more.

“Lizzie…” Max’s free hand comes up to swipe away the fresh tears.

“I’m sorry, Max. I’m so sorry,” I cry suddenly. “I didn’t want us to break up; I didn’t want to hurt you, but I had no idea how to stop feeling the way I did; the way I still do.” I stop for a moment to take a breath. “I guess subconsciously, I was trying to shield myself from what I thought might happen in the future. If I began to shut you out, then it wouldn’t hurt so much when you finally decided that I wasn’t enough for you.”

There, I’ve finally admitted my innermost worries and feelings to the man who means so much to me.

“After a while, it was like I just stopped enjoying what we had, and after that I didn’t even let myself enjoy it. I guess you coming here was the last straw. I actually had to admit that something was wrong with me and that it wasn’t just my mind playing tricks because we were thousands of miles apart…God, I’m sorry,” I choke out finally, very much aware of Max’s intense gaze as his fingers gently stroke my cheek.

When I finally pluck up the courage to lift my eyes to his, I almost gasp. He’s crying too. I haven’t seen Max cry often. The only times he ever cried during our relationship were when we had to say goodbye to each other at the end of Summer and Christmas vacations. Before that, I think the last time I saw him cry was when he was 9 and his dog died. I don’t even think he cried when we broke up last month.

We stay like that, just looking at each other through tear-filled eyes for several moments, until Dr. Jones clears her throat and breaks the moment again. Max’s fingers leave my face and drop down to our entwined hands, effectively encasing my right hand with both of his.

“Liz, Max. I think we’d better leave it there for today,” she starts softly. Startled, I glance at the clock on her desk in the corner of the room. She’s right; the hour is almost up. I nod carefully and she smiles. “Okay, then.” She looks between the two of us before continuing, “I’m pleased with the progress we’ve made today, Liz. You’re really coming along.” I smile gratefully. “So, I’ll see you both again on Thursday, same time.”

I glance quickly at Max and then we both nod. As we give Dr. Jones our thanks and say goodbye, Max tenderly takes my arm and we exit the building. Once outside, I let out a huge relieved sigh at what has just transpired; and then suddenly I’m in Max’s arms as he holds me tightly against him.

“I’m so sorry you that you’ve been going through all this,” he whispers as he squeezes me lightly and then pulls back to face me. I must look a mess, I still have tears streaking my cheeks and my eyes are stinging. Max’s hands rise to cup my face as he stares down at me, a tender expression on his face. “I know you didn’t feel like you could tell me about it, but just know this: anytime you have a problem, or just feel upset, you can come to me. No matter whether we’re together or friends or what, I’ll help you. Promise me you’ll come to me, Liz. Please?”

I swallow, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat. This is the first time in a long time that my tears have not been because I’m upset, but instead because someone has said something so incredibly meaningful to me that I’m overwhelmed with emotion.

“I promise, Max,” I whisper and he smiles, pulling me into a hug again.

I really do mean it, too. I don’t want to lose him. I just want to love him again.

TBC…

[Heavenli24]

Thank you for your feedback :

Strawberry88 - Thank you .

youre my dreamgirl - Thanks .

anonymousarfan - I think this is what Liz has needed to do for a long time - let it all out .

kiwigirl - Aww, that's sweet . I'm trying to get the parts written more quickly now, although having said that, I only have 300 more words written! But hopefully I can get the next part out by the weekend.

Emz80m - Thanks .

confusedfool -

roswell3053 - I think it's important that Max understands what she's going through in order to get them both back on track again

POM - Don't worry, I have every intention of having them pull through this bad patch - together .

jbangelo - Thanks . They are starting to work through it and although it is a breakthrough, it's just the beginning.

Roswell 10/2/00 - Thank you - your feedback means a lot . You're right, this isn't a topic that gets much attention in stories, although when I first got the idea for it, I didn't actually think about how much emotion would end up being conveyed (it was more of a 'what would happen if Max finally found a way to move to Cambridge, only to find that Liz was going through something and wasn't actually happy he was there?). You know, it was only a few weeks ago that I actually realised that what I felt as a teenager was really depression. I was always like, 'well, I feel like crap, but I wouldn't say it's as serious as depression', but I guess it was.


There's a slight change of pace coming up in the story soon (you can probably guess what it's going to be by the end scene), which I hope will lighten the atmosphere a little .


***


Part Thirteen

Thursday March 10th 2005

For once, something is actually starting to go right in my life. I mean, I know I have a long way to go until I’m back to normal again, but I’ve managed to smile more in the last two days than I have in the last six months; and it’s all been down to Max. I am so grateful to him for everything he’s done for me during the past week. But before you ask, we’re not back together, not even close; but Max has been pretty much the best friend a girl could have these last few days.

He was really supportive during and also after my counselling session on Tuesday. He just held me while I cried outside the building and then held my hand as we walked through the campus back towards home. Actually, we’d almost reached my house when I decided that I couldn’t face being back within the confined walls of my small room and so what did he do? He invited me to come over to his apartment for an evening of videos and takeout with his roommates, that’s what.

And if that wasn’t enough, when we were walking home after my session with Dr. Jones this afternoon, he said he had a surprise for me. Since it’s Spring Break next week and I could do with having some time away from Cambridge right now, he’s arranged a trip for us (just as friends, of course), in memory of our road trip after high school graduation more than two years ago. He won’t tell me exactly where we’re going yet, but he’s assured me that it’s someplace nice and relaxing – just what I need.

God, I could just kiss him right now!

But of course, I won’t. Not yet, in any case. I’m not going to play with either of our emotions right now; they’re just too fragile. Maybe when I’m better and thinking clearly again…maybe then we can re-evaluate our relationship…


“Man, is he just the perfect guy, or what?” I fight the urge to roll my eyes at Becca’s gushing outburst over Max and his Spring Break Vacation proposal. “I mean, you guys are broken up, a week ago you weren’t even speaking and now he’s gone right back to being there for you when you need him most. God, I wish I could find a guy who would do that for me.”

Although her tone is light-hearted, I detect a hint of jealousy in it. Becca might be a self-proclaimed party girl, but I know that deep down she wants what any girl does: a loving, stable, long-term relationship with the love of her life. She’s always saying that she’s too young and carefree to settle down yet, but sometimes I can see the look of longing in her eyes when she sees a happy couple walking down the street.

“Hey, you’ll find someone, Bex, I know you will,” I reassure her with a smile, something that is starting to become a lot more frequent for me now.

She briefly returns the smile, a hint of gratefulness in her expression, before she shrugs somewhat uncomfortably and changes the subject.

“So, Lizzie, dish the dirt…what’s really going on between you two? Tim and I have a bet going on how long it’s gonna take you to get it on again,” she grins, wiggling her eyebrows suggestively.

I have to smile at her blunt delivery. You would think that she might be a little more sensitive over the subject, especially since she knows what’s been going on with me lately; but I don’t take offence to it. I can’t, because I know she’s trying not to make a big deal over it or make me feel out of place and I’m actually grateful for it. I don’t want this to get in the way of the friendship we share. I decide to play along with her suggestive comments.

“Well, you know, I was so excited about going away with him for Spring Break that I jumped him right here on the couch,” I tell her seriously, whilst desperately trying not to grin. “Twice.”

“Oh my God, eww!” Becca shrieks suddenly, practically leaping off the couch in disgust. “I did not want to know that!”

I can’t stop the corners of my mouth turning up at her reaction. I roll my eyes at her. “Oh relax, Bex. I’m just kidding.”

Her hand goes to her heart as she falls back to the couch, tossing her long blonde locks to one side. “Oh, thank God! Man, don’t scare me like that, Liz.” She exhales in relief, before turning serious again. “So you guys are friends again, then?”

“Yeah,” I nod. “I think it’s what we both need right now. I know that I’m not ready to be his girlfriend again yet and I’m sure that Max hasn’t quite gotten over what happened between us last month. It’s just not the right time yet. If we were to get back together again now, we’d just end up back in the same position as before. I can’t give him what he needs right now and I won’t be able to until I’ve worked through all of this and gotten better.”

Becca nods in understanding. “Well then, I guess I’ll repeat what I said earlier. Max Evans is the perfect guy; although I guess the real test will be next week when you’re off travelling to god knows where, just the two of you.”

I simply shake my head at the comment and roll my eyes again; like I’m dismissing her words as a load of rubbish, but inside I actually feel my stomach begin to twist in knots. She’s right. Max is being totally and completely perfect in this whole situation, that I almost can’t believe it. But at the same time, I’m a little apprehensive about spending an entire week alone with Max. He’s assured me that he’s just being a friend, but what if something happens that I’m not ready for? I’m not saying that Max would try to take advantage of me or anything; but say something did happen…what would I do? I don’t think I could handle anything more than having Max as a friend right now.

I’m prevented from having to say anything more by the sound of a key turning in the front door and then the squeak of hinges as it opens (that’s student housing for you).

“Hey, anybody home?” It’s Jack, back from a gruelling hour at the gym. Trust me, I know. He’s got this thing about not wanting his non-roommate friends to think he’s gay because two of his best friends are female, and so last year he started going to the gym a lot to build up his strength. He also insisted on dragging the rest of us along too. Becca only made it through two sessions; Tim hung on for two weeks, and me…well I still go with him occasionally, although I can’t say that I’ve put in enough effort to actually make a difference to my fitness level.

“Hey, Jack,” calls Becca cheerily. “We’re in the living room.”

I hear movement coming from the hallway as Jack kicks off his trainers and drops his gym bag to the floor. A second later, he appears in the doorway, his dark blond hair still damp from working out.

“Good evening, ladies,” he grins. “Look who I found wandering around outside all on his lonesome.”

He gestures to his left and suddenly another head pops round the door. Surprise, surprise, it’s Max.

“Hey,” he shrugs sheepishly as he enters the room fully. “Sorry, I didn’t want to…I’m not intruding, am I?”

I glare at Becca as she sends a speculative, ‘just friends, huh?’ look my way, before turning to face Max.

“No, not at all. Come and join us,” I invite, gesturing the boys towards the spare seats on the couch and armchair opposite us. “We were just…” I start, but then realise that I can’t tell him what we were talking about – he was the main topic of conversation.

“Trying to decide what type of pizza to order for dinner tonight,” Becca cuts in quickly. “We were thinking…pepperoni. How about it, guys?”

Max glances at me quickly as he takes a seat in the armchair, before turning to Becca and shrugging. “Sure, pepperoni sounds great.”

“Yeah, for me too,” adds Jack, plopping down beside me on the couch as Becca reaches for the phone to call the pizza delivery company.

For a moment, I’m sure I see a flash of jealousy in Max’s eyes when Jack sits down next to me, but a second later it’s gone and he relaxes. I let out a relieved breath and quick turn my attention to the magazine lying haphazardly on the coffee table. Max knows that there’s nothing between Jack and I, but I guess if he had another female best friend that he was as close to as I am to Jack, I might feel a bit out of place in a similar situation. But at the same time, we’re just friends right now and it was Max’s choice to sit in the chair opposite us instead of on the couch with me, so he can’t really complain, now can he?

As I sit there, my gazed fixed on the shiny magazine cover, my excitement over the day’s most recent events seems to just disappear and my mood shifts. I sigh, feeling the telltale lump begin to form in my throat for the second time today. I look up from the coffee table, only to find my eyes locking with Max’s who’s obviously been watching me since he sat down. There’s something in his gaze, sympathy almost, that prevents me from looking away, and suddenly it’s like I’m right back in Dr. Jones’ office this afternoon, spilling my guts to both her and Max.


Four hours earlier

“Okay, Liz, can you tell me how you felt when Max told you he would be coming to Harvard this semester?” Dr. Jones is trying her best to sound as if talking about this stuff should be no big deal, but the truth is, it hurts. It hurts even to think about how I felt three months ago. I know that getting all this out in the open is the best thing to do and that I’m not going to be able to move on until I’ve worked through my pain, but it’s just so hard to relive it all over again.

But I have to do this. I close my eyes briefly to gather my thoughts, before I start. I try not to think about the fact that Max is sitting right next to me listening intently to everything I say.

“Okay, well,” I begin, “when Max called me with his big news, I wasn’t really having a good day.” I deliberately keep my gaze fixed on Dr. Jones, not even sparing Max a glance; because I know that if I so much as look at him, I will lose my nerve. “I mean, of course I was happy that he was going to be here in Cambridge and that he’d been offered this great opportunity…” I trail off then, not knowing how to continue.

“But…?”

“But, I guess I just wasn’t as happy as I’d always imagined I’d be if we ever found a way to be close to each other,” I tell her, the words just spilling from my mouth.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” The question comes from Max; the first words he’s spoken since we started this session. I turn my head; he’s looking at me, but there’s no animosity in his gaze, just…confusion, I guess. “You acted like you were happy to see me at Christmas.”

I clutch my hands together in my lap in an almost nervous gesture. “I didn’t really know what I felt at that point,” I say, switching my gaze between Max and Dr. Jones, and back to Max again as I speak. “Don’t get me wrong, I was happy to see you, Max. We hadn’t seen each other in months. The thing was,” I address Dr. Jones this time. “I felt okay over Christmas vacation. I was happier than I’d been in months; Max and I were together again and I was surrounded by my family and friends. I could almost put my problems behind me and enjoy myself again. But it didn’t last. By the time Max and I were getting ready to come back here, everything just started to escalate and I felt miserable again.”

“And what happened when you two arrived here in Cambridge? How did you feel about Max being so close?”

“At first, I suppose I was happy. We spent time together, went out on a few dates,” I glance at Max and he sends me a small, encouraging smile. I’m glad he’s not feeling awkward about the fact that I’m telling a stranger about our private lives. I turn my head to the doctor once more; she’s jotting something down on the pad in front of her and nodding slightly.

“Forgive me if this a sensitive subject, but what about intimacy? Were the two of you – ”

“Having sex?” I supply bluntly, but then suddenly feel embarrassed as Dr. Jones clears her throat and Max shifts in his seat. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to – never mind.”

“No, that is what I meant. Is this something you’re comfortable talking about?”

I glance quickly at Max beside me, but apart from the slight flush creeping across his cheeks, he just nods briefly, giving me the okay.

“Yeah, we were, um…sexually active,” I admit. “Until we broke up a few weeks ago…” I hesitate, not really sure whether to say anything more.

“Liz, what is it?” asks Max in concern, as he leans closer to me.

“I just…I don’t want you to be offended or anything,” I practically whisper.

His expression falls for a moment, his brows furrowing, but then he relaxes. “Just say it, get everything out, okay? What’s important is that we get you better. So don’t worry about hurting my feelings right now, I’ll handle it, okay?”

I watch him carefully and eventually nod, but I’m still a little apprehensive about him hearing every little detail. So, I make sure to fix my eyes on Dr. Jones as I speak.

“It just…I guess it wasn’t really the same for me as it had been before,” I say finally. “I mean, physically, nothing had changed between us, but I just couldn’t seem to get involved emotionally when we made love. I’m not saying that I didn’t…enjoy…being with Max again, but I no longer felt that rush of love that I used to feel for him. And the frustrating thing was that I knew it was still there, buried somewhere deep inside me, but I just couldn’t get to it.”

Dr. Jones just nods thoughtfully as I spill my guts to them both, but somewhere during my speech, Max’s hand slips into mine and squeezes; a reassurance that he’s supporting me in this. I know that he must have questions and is most likely more than a little hurt by my confession, but he seems to be able to push it to one side for now…

Somewhere in the background, I can hear Becca finishing up the pizza order on the phone, but my thoughts are still with Max and this afternoon. After the session, he assured me that he wasn’t upset by what he’d learnt earlier (which I don’t quite believe) and that we would sort everything out in the end; and then he hit me with the surprise that he was taking me away for Spring Break.

As great as it will be to get away from Harvard for a week, I know that still I have to talk to Max properly about what I said today; but not yet. It’s just not the right time.

***

“Are you really okay about earlier?” I ask Max seriously once we’re upstairs in my room, having escaped the clutches of Becca’s smug stares and Jack’s concerned glances over their pizza slices. “Because, you know, I’d understand if you were upset. I don’t suppose it was fun hearing how I’ve been feeling.”

Max is standing in the middle of my room, his hands shoved in his pockets (his signature pose), but as the words tumble out of my mouth, he straightens up and his stance becomes more serious.

“Look, Liz, maybe I am a little hurt by what you told me today and it upsets me that you felt you couldn’t come to me about it, but I know that none of this is your fault,” he stresses carefully. “You couldn’t help what was happening to you, and you know what? I think that maybe if I hadn’t come here this semester, then you probably wouldn’t be getting the help you are now.”

“Max – ” I start, but he continues, cutting me off.

“Look, all of those depressed feelings would have continued to build up inside of you and a few months down the line, when everything finally came out, you would probably have been in a much worse state than you are now. Liz, I know that what you’re going through must be really hard, but we’re dealing with it now, before it has a chance to get worse, and that’s what matters. First we sort you out, then we can worry about my feelings, okay?”

I can’t help it; my eyes start to well up just hearing his sweet words. “Okay,” I nod slowly. “I can do that. Thank you, Max.”

He sort of shrugs awkwardly, before moving closer to me. “Hey, come here,” he murmurs, enveloping me in his arms for a brief, yet warm hug before pulling back again. “Look, there’s just one more day ‘til Spring Break and then we can get out of here for a while and have some fun.”

At the reminder of our upcoming trip, my stomach lurches a little. “Max, about the trip…” I start.

He becomes concerned. “You don’t wanna go anymore?”

“No, I do…it’s just that…” God, this is hard. “I’m not sure if you and me going away together is such a great idea right now. I mean, getting out of here would be really great, but…” I trail off uncomfortably.

“But, it might be weird; just the two of us, alone,” he finishes for me. “It’s okay, I understand. Look, how would you feel if we invited Becca, Jack and Tim along too? Make it a road trip with friends.”

I smile; I can’t believe he’s actually inviting my housemates to come with us. “Really? Are you sure – you wouldn’t mind?”

“No, I don’t mind. The whole idea was that you could have some time to relax. It doesn’t have to be just us,” he assures me.

“Okay, I’ll ask them. Thank you, Max.” With a grin, I throw my arms around him in an impulsive hug. Becca was right; he is the perfect guy.

TBC…

[Heavenli24]

Hey guys, sorry it's taken so long to get this out - RL has been getting in the way this week: I've been having problems setting up a wireless network (it's still not working) and everytime I sit down to write, someone interrupts me and I can't get anything done! .

Anyway, thank you for being patient and thanks for your feedback:

guelbebek - Thank you , yeah, things are starting to look up for Liz now.

jbangelo - Yeah, spending a week alone is probably not the best idea and having the others there too might just liven things up a bit .

anonymousarfan - I know, Max is being too perfect - I just can't bring myself to give him any flaws right now .

lazza - Thanks . It's not all sorted out yet, but Liz is finally making some progress.

clueless - Thanks. Sorry about the wait with the next part - I tried to get it written, but it just wasn't happening!

roswell3053 - Thanks . The question is, will Max be able to keep his feelings to one side to help Liz, or will he find it hard to cope? (I actually don't know the answer to that yet either - we'll have to see).

youre my dreamgirl - Aww, thanks . Yeah, this trip could be a turning point for Liz.

Erina - Thanks . Max is taking everything well so far, but will that last? Who knows just yet .



***

Part Fourteen

Saturday March 12th 2005

Both Jack and Becca readily agreed to join Max and I on our trip; Jack even offered the use of his car for the week. Tim was a little harder to convince, mainly because he hated the idea of leaving his girlfriend home alone over Spring Break. After trying many tactics (including bribery with alcohol and offers of doing his laundry for a week), we eventually got him to agree. Unfortunately though, not even an hour after he’d finally said yes, Kelly (his girlfriend) offered him one better: a week in the Bahamas with her parents; and so he pulled out. Not that I blame him though. I mean, think about it, a week in the Caribbean with the person you love, or several days cooped up in a small car with the people you have to live with? I know which I’d choose!

Speaking of spending a week in the car, I finally managed to persuade Max to tell us where we were going (actually, I kind of had to: Becca insisted on knowing where the trip was before she would agree). We’re driving up to Canada! Apparently, there are some cabins up in one of the national parks, a couple of hours outside of Montreal, and you can rent them out. The cabin we’ll be staying in is on the edge of a lake, but is also close enough to the city that we can travel into it if we want.

We left Cambridge early this morning and have been on the road for almost four hours now. Jack insisted on driving at least the first part, since this is his car and Max is sat up front with him, leaving Becca and I to gossip in the back (although she’s asleep, so not much gossiping is going on at the moment).

But right now, writing this in the car is starting to make me feel sick, so I’m going to stop…


As I close the journal, I look up towards the front of the car and my gaze locks with Max’s in the visor mirror. We stare at each other for a moment, before he smiles, his eyes crinkling at the corners. I return the gesture briefly before averting my eyes and reaching for my backpack. As I shove the diary inside, I can’t help blushing slightly.

Max was watching me write in my journal.

I quickly shake the thought from my head as I turn my attention to the passing scenery through the window. A moment later, however, something clicks in my mind. I blushed when I caught Max watching me. I felt something, and it wasn’t entirely embarrassment. It was more of a ‘wow, he likes me’ sort of blush. The realisation hits me suddenly. Could my heart finally be thawing out a little and allowing me to feel again?

I hope so.

“Psst…Hey, Liz,” Jack suddenly hisses from the driver’s seat, startling me.

“What?” I tear my eyes away from the window to look at him. He glances at me quickly before turning back to the road again. In the mirror in front of me, I can see Max biting back a grin.

“Is Bex still asleep?”

I check. “Yeah…”

“Good. There’s still time to mess with her before she wakes up,” he smirks. “So, come on, Liz; what have you got?”

“What? I’m not doing anything to her! I don’t want any part of this. If you wanna humiliate Becca, you can do it yourself!”

In the passenger seat, Max lets out a snort of laughter.

Jack mouth falls open. “Liz, I’m driving! I can’t reach her, you’re gonna have to do it.”

I sigh and roll my eyes in annoyance. It seems that amongst all the drama lately, I’d forgotten that both Jack and Max are still just normal, if not slightly immature, college students.

“No way! I am not betraying my best friend’s trust just so you two can have a laugh at her expense!”

“Hey, I thought I was your best friend!” The response is immediate and simultaneous as Max and Jack first turn to me and then to each other in surprise.

“Man, cut it out, you two!” I exclaim in exasperation. “I can have more than one best friend, you know. Becca is my female best friend and you guys are my male best friends, so deal with it, okay?” Wow, I think that was at least one too many ‘best friend’s in a sentence.

“Ooh, Lizzie…a bit PMS-y today, aren’t we?”

I freeze, my jaw dropping open in shock. Not at the words themselves, but at the fact that they came from Max’s mouth. The statement is so reminiscent of how we used to joke around together before, when I was happy, that it’s a shock to the system to hear them, especially since there hasn’t been much of a light-hearted atmosphere between us of late.

An awkward silence lingers in the car for a moment, but before I have a chance to recover and defend myself, Max lets out a sigh from the front.

“Fine. I’ll do it,” he tells Jack. “So, what exactly do you want me to do to her?”

“Ooh, something really embarrassing!” Jack replies eagerly. “I know, draw something on her face – like in that Friends episode, the girls made me watch the other week, when Ross drew a moustache on Rachel – that’ll get her!”

As the two of them begin planning Becca’s demise, I roll my eyes at the immaturity of the male species

“Mmm,” muses Max thoughtfully. “That could work. But I don’t have a pen. Wait a sec,” he turns to me. “Liz, pass me your eyeliner pencil.”

“No,” I state firmly, fully intending not to back down, but between Max’s puppy-dog eyes and Jack’s pleading gaze in the rear-view mirror, I find my control slipping. “Fine,” I agree grudgingly as I rummage around in my bag for my eyeliner. “But just so you know,” I say as I hand it to him, “I am not taking the blame for any of this, okay?”

“All right,” he says with a sigh, taking the black pencil from me. “Okay, here goes.”

He turns round in his seat and reaches through to the backseat. I fix my eyes intently on Becca’s face, biting my lip nervously because she could wake up at any moment. As Max lowers the pencil to her face, she twitches slightly and we both freeze, but then she relaxes again and Max continues. As he draws, I find my gaze lowering from Becca’s face, down to Max’s hand and forearm. It’s only then that I realise how close he is to me, how his upper arm is level with my face and I can clearly see the muscles flexing beneath his T-shirt. My eyes lift to his face and I notice, as if for the first time, his strong profile complete with long eyelashes.

“Okay, all done,” he announces suddenly. I almost jump at the unexpected interruption of my perusal. Max lowers his arm and his eyes meet mine briefly. I gulp as he emits a tiny smile, slips the pencil into my hand and turns back around.

I can’t move. I just sit there rigidly, the pencil clasped in my hand as I try to get my suddenly erratic breathing under control.

It’s then that I realise that I’ve just experienced something that I haven’t felt in a long time. My heart skips a beat at what it could signify.

***

We arrive at the cabin late afternoon. Becca didn’t sleep much longer after Max and Jack’s little stunt, but it wasn’t until we dragged our stuff inside the building and she went to the bathroom to freshen up, that she saw what they’d done. I won’t go into all the details, but…let’s just say that the guys are not in her good books right now. Lucky for me, she hasn’t figured out how they must have acquired the eyeliner pencil!

Despite the argument that followed after Becca reappeared from the bathroom, we were all able to compose ourselves enough to drive over to the small convenience store at the edge of the park and stock up on supplies for the next few days. The guys actually offered to make dinner, although I think the proposal was a direct result of Becca’s frequent death stares. Almost surprisingly, they managed to create a pretty decent spaghetti bolognaise and even offered to wash the dishes as an apology to Becca.

Right now, I’m working off (if you can call it that) my dinner by sitting on the porch swing and looking out over the lake. I sigh; it’s so peaceful and serene out here. It’s been such a great day for me today, that the moment even a thought about my normal life pops into my head, I push it away, even though I know that ignoring my problems won’t make them go away. I’m actually feeling almost happy for once and I don’t think that I want to handle the feelings that will reappear when it goes away.

“Hey, can I join you?”

The sound surprises me, but when I turn my head in the direction it came from, I find Jack standing in the doorway, his arms crossed loosely over his chest.

I give him a small smile. “Sure,” I shrug.

“So,” he says as he takes a seat next to me. “We haven’t really spoken much this week. How are you doing?”

My relaxed stance tightens for a moment as his concerned tone strikes a nerve in me and I feel the telltale hitch in my throat that usually appears when I think about the crappiness that is my life.

I let out a sigh and keep my eyes fixed on the calm water stretching out in front of us. “I’m doing okay, I guess,” I tell him. “It’s hard though.”

“And Max? I take it he’s handling it all pretty well?” he inquires.

“Yeah, he is. He’s been great, actually. I almost can’t believe it.”

“He’s a good guy.” Jack pauses for a moment, before continuing. “You know, I hate to say I told you so, but…”

I shake my head, “No, you go ahead and say it. You told me so. You were right all along. I just didn’t want to put myself out there like that; I was scared.”

My voice crack slightly at the end and in a second, Jack’s arm comes around my shoulders as he pulls me to him in a comforting gesture. “I know you were,” he murmurs, “and it’s natural to be scared in that situation; but you did the right thing and Max, along with Becca and I, are going to help you get better.”

I lean into him a little and let out an unintentional sniff. I close my eyes and tell myself repeatedly that I’m not going to cry. It works…somewhat.

We sit together on the swing for a few minutes, until Jack breaks the silence with a small laugh. “You know, I totally forgot the reason I came out here. I was going to ask if you fancied a game of Scrabble – we found it in one of the closets – but then I got here you looked so small and lonely all my yourself, that it slipped my mind.”

I straighten up and give him a smile. “Scrabble would be great.”

He grins and stands up, holding out a hand. “Okay, then. Let’s go.”

I take his hand and he pulls me up off the swing. “Lead the way.”

As we enter the living room and I see Becca and Max setting up the game on the floor, I realise just how lucky I am to have friends like them.

TBC…

[Heavenli24]

Thanks for your comments :

kiwigirl - Thanks . Things are starting to get better, but Liz isn't going to recover that easily.

youre my dreamgirl - Yep, she's getting a little better, but will it last?

Emz80m - Thanks , and not feeling anything when she looked at Max was a big part of the problem.

jbangelo - Thank you . Yeah, it's slowly coming back to Liz now.

guelbebek - Thanks . We'll just have to see about their closeness. PS. Thanks for the bump .

roswell3053 - Thanks . Yeah, Liz is beginning to feel again, but it could be a slow process to reach 'normal' again.

clueless - Thanks . I'm doing my best to update when I can, but RL is making it difficult to write much at the moment .


***

Part Fifteen

It’s back.

I know it the moment I open my eyes, as I slowly become aware of my surroundings. The awful feeling is back, and it’s as if all the optimistic feelings I had yesterday never even existed.

God, how am I ever going to get through this? I actually felt almost normal again last night; Max and I teamed up against Jack and Becca in an all-out Scrabble war and I really had fun. So what changed in the last few hours? How is it that I can go from feeling positive and hopeful one minute and then completely defeated not even twelve hours later? Moreover, why did this have to happen to me? All I’ve ever wanted is to be happy in life; to study biology; to find someone that I love, who loves me back, and make a life with them. So why, when I really am happy and have all the things that I wanted, why do I feel like life is no longer worth the effort?

I can’t help it; all I can do is lie there and let it happen as the feelings of depression sweep over my body once more. As I turn on my side and curl up in a ball, hugging the duvet to my chest, I don’t even register how comfortable the bed is, or how peaceful it is up here. All that registers in my mind is the despair that suddenly floods my chest and the fact that all I can do to ease the ache is bury my face in the covers and cry.

I’m too wrapped up in emotion to register the soft knocking on my door several minutes later. Max’s voice softly calling out my name only just penetrates through the haze of sadness surrounding my body. I barely even react when he ventures in the room, letting out a slight gasp as he sees me, and rushes over to take me in his arms. I can feel their warmth as they hug me to him, but can only vaguely hear his murmurs of comfort and encouragement.

He continues to hold me until the heart wrenching sobs begin to subside and I finally relax against his chest. I don’t know how long we’ve been sitting together like this, but at this particular moment, I just don’t care. I realise somewhat belatedly that, as awful and upset as I was feeling when I woke up, my tears were really just a release of all the emotions I’ve been feeling lately and it was actually a relief to let it out. That is not to say that I don’t still feel like crap, but I think it was what I needed this morning. I guess that subconsciously I’ve been feeling so frustrated at my inability to feel anything except misery and hopelessness, that it just built up until I broke down in tears and let it all out.

I suck in a deep breath and release it again as a sigh. Max’s hand strokes my upper back gently, before leaning down to murmur in my ear, “Hey, you feeling better now?”

I nod against his T-shirt. “Yeah…um, sorry for using you as a handkerchief,” I try for a lame attempt at a joke. It falls flat and Max barely lifts an eyebrow, just gazes ahead, as if I haven’t spoken.

“You know,” he starts wistfully. “I was lying in bed last night…thinking…and this memory just popped into my head. – ”

“Memory?” I cut in curiously.

“Yeah, of us – when we were kids. Remember that time when we decided that we were grown up enough not to need our parents to look after us anymore, and decided to leave home together? We were going to make it on our own and only come back home when we were rich and famous,” he finishes with a smile.

A sudden flash of that experience flits through my mind and a small snort of laughter penetrates my gloomy countenance. “Oh my God, that’s right. I can’t believe we actually thought we could do that – we were only ten!”

“Ah no, you were ten. At eleven, I was the mature one, and I knew we could do it.”

“Yeah, right, Max – are you forgetting who was the one crying his eyes out when we got lost and he thought we’d never see home again? Anyway, you’re only a few weeks older than me and isn’t it true that women mature much faster than men?”

“Oh yeah, you just have to rub that in my face, now don’t you?”

“Of course I do,” I retort sweetly. “That’s my job as your best friend, remember?”

“Yeah, yeah…whatever,” he dismisses with a shrug, but a second later his expression turns smug, a wicked glint appearing in the corner of his eye. “You know, there’s something else I remember about that little adventure,” he says, wiggling his eyebrows.

What is he talking ab –? Oh, crap…I remember now…

Ten years earlier

“Come on, Lizzie, hurry up!” Max shouts down from up on the rocks above me.

“Stop shouting at me, Max!” I yell to him. “I’m going as fast as I can.”

So far, on our journey to bigger and better things, we’ve got just outside of Roswell and we’re on our way to Las Cruces (Max’s idea – I know how far it is, so don’t look at me!). But as soon as Max saw the rocks out here in the desert, he made me climb them with him. He bet that I couldn’t reach the top as fast as he could!

I’m feeling really tired now, but I’m not going to give up and let him win, so with a sudden burst of energy, I climb up the rocks as quickly as I can. But he’s already there when I finally get to the top.

“Ha ha, I won!” he cheers mockingly. “Hey Lizzie, look at me – I’m the king of the castle, you’re the dirty rascal,” he taunts and flexes his muscles in front of me (he doesn’t have any though; he’s as skinny as a rake).

“Quit it, Max!” I sneer and shove his shoulder with my hand. He falls right over on his butt!

I laugh at how silly he looks, lying flat on the rocks, but suddenly his arms come around my legs and he pulls me over backwards too. We end up in a heap on the hard surface and I struggle to get free, but he won’t let go. In the end, I decide to just keep still until he gets bored of holding me down, which he does about 2 minutes later. I move over so that I’m lying next to him and I look up at the almost cloudless blue sky. Beside me, Max sighs and puts his hands behind his head.

We lie together in silence for a while, until Max suddenly makes me jump by sitting up beside me.

“Lizzie?” he asks quietly.

“Yeah?” I reply, still looking up at the sky.

“Lizzie?” he repeats.

I huff and pull myself up to face him. “What is it, Max?”

“Can I kiss you?”

Can he do what?!

“What?” I cry.

“I mean,” he looks down at his feet, “well, I’ve never kissed anyone before…and, well, you have. See, my friends were talking about it in homeroom the other day…and I just want to see what it’s like…” he trails off.

Okay, so here’s the thing: the other week, I kinda told Max that I’d kissed a boy from seventh grade, when actually, I haven’t kissed anybody. Ever. I’d heard that he’d already kissed Tammy Scott at his birthday party last month, but now I guess it wasn’t true.

“Um…you want to kiss me?” I repeat, my mouth still hanging open in surprise.

“Just to see what all the fuss is about,” he says quickly.

“Um…well, okay…I guess.” I really don’t know what I’m saying anymore – I think I’m in shock.

Before I can even prepare for it, Max is leaning towards me, his lips inching closer and closer with every second. Just before they touch my mouth, I close my eyes and…well…it’s not quite what I was expecting. His lips are warm on mine and it actually feels nice. Less than a moment later, he pulls back and I struggle to open my eyes. My lips tingle from the loss of contact and I’m tempted to pull him close again, but when I look at him, he’s back to normal once more.

“So, um, I’m hungry, let’s eat,” he announces quickly with a smile and all I can do is nod…


“Our very first kiss,” I murmur wistfully.

“Yeah,” Max smiles. “It was such a big deal back then…seems kind of tame now, though, after everything else we’ve done.”

I sigh, “Yeah, but it’s still one of my fondest memories. Especially the part where it got dark and you got scared that no one was ever going to find us, and you cried!”

“I’m never going to live that down, am I?”

“Nope,” I shake my head. “Never.”

We sit in silence for a moment until Max suddenly changes the subject

“So anyway, today we were thinking of just hanging around here; maybe hiring a boat out on the lake, doing some fishing…you know, just relaxing; and then we can go into the city tomorrow. You up for that?”

A smile graces my lips. “Yeah, I think I can do that,” I tell him. “After all, I wouldn’t want to miss out on the chance of seeing you and Jack try to fish.”

“Ha, ha, very funny,” Max utters dryly, but another thought occurs to me, and I continue.

“You know, my money’s on Jack,” I say as I pull myself up into a sitting position. “I mean, we’re from the desert and he grew up on the East coast – who do you think has had more experience with fishing?”

Max pulls back from me slightly. “Hey, I’ve been fishing before!” he exclaims defensively. “Remember, my dad took me out on one of the lakes outside Roswell.”

“Max, you guys only went twice,” I roll my eyes. “And you fell out of the boat!”

“That wasn’t my fault, my coordination skills weren’t too great back then – I was only six!”

I smirk. “Exactly!”

I watch as his shoulder slump in defeat. “Okay, so I haven’t exactly done much fishing…but, really, how hard can it be?”

***

Monday March 14th 2005

Well, let’s just say that our ‘fishing trip’ yesterday was…interesting (in case you’re wondering, I’m laughing as I write this). As much as he denies it, Max can’t fish to save his life! We spent a good five, maybe six hours, out on that lake and while Jack managed to return to the cabin with an entire bucket of good-sized fish, Max finished up the day with one measly, tiny specimen. As for Bex and I, well I’m not one for fish of any kind and fail to see the fascination in spending an entire day sitting in a small boat, waiting for something to happen. Becca, on the other hand, really surprised me. Having never shown any interest in the sport in the past, she suddenly became very engrossed in it this afternoon and somehow managed to persuade Jack to teach her how to do it. In fact, she was pretty good and I’d say that she was responsible for at least a third of the fish in Jack’s bucket at the end of the day.

Today was…well…it’s hard to describe my feelings about today. We drove into Montreal and spent the day being tourists and seeing the city. I guess overall it was a pretty good day; I got to laugh at the guys’ awful attempts at speaking the local language and actually had a chance to practice my own French skills (I took French instead of Spanish as my language option a couple of years ago). The problem was that although I spent practically the entire day being ‘normal’ with my friends, I was like I wasn’t really there. I was smiling and having fun with them, but at the same time, I felt as though it wasn’t really me doing it. No matter how much help and support Bex, Jack and especially Max have given me the past couple of weeks, I still seems like they don’t really understand what I’m going through emotionally. Since we got back to the cabin this evening, I’ve been thinking about what I can do to remedy this and I think I’ve finally found a way to help…well, Max at least…understand me a little better.

I’m going to let him read what he’s been dying to get a glimpse of for years now.

My journal…

TBC…

[Heavenli24]

Hey guys, thanks for your comments :

jbangelo - Thanks - I wanted to include some memories of their friendship before You Can Always... and also of their relationship over the last couple of years, so look out for some more in future parts (hopefully) .

guelbebek - Thanks. Liz isn't necessarily going to get better quickly. She is starting to work through her problems but unfortunately they don't just disappear overnight .

youre my dreamgirl - Thanks . Liz is going to get better - eventually - but it's going to take some time for her to get back to normal.

anonymousarfan - Thanks. That's the question isn't it? What is going to happen when Max reads the journal? You'll just have to wait and see .

kiwigirl - Me too (about the first kiss) . You're right, Liz is lucky to have her friends, and she will get through this in the end.

roswell3053 - Thanks. You'll have to read and find out how the 'journal reading' goes .

clueless - Thanks . RL's a bit less hectic now, but we're finally getting good weather (around 70 degrees with sunshine) which is not going to last for long (the rain will be back next week) so I'm making the most of it !

To_Kiss_A_Frog - Thank you , I think I almost cried myself when I wrote the break up scene . I did consider having Jack and Liz involved with each other, but I really wanted to have Liz's own problems and insecurities be the thing that came between them - something that wasn't anyone's fault (no third parties), but was just as devastating to the relationship. Max has been amazing about being there for Liz and not letting his own feelings get in the way, but will he be able to keep it up forever?

OCchica6 - Thank you , I'm glad you're enjoying it.

Emz80m - I know, it's going to be hard for Liz, but she's getting better slowly and to answer your question, no, she's not on medication.


This part is currently unbeta'd because my beta is away for a few days. I literally finished it about half an hour ago, so I apologise if there are any mistakes that I missed when I read through it.

Good news though, I'm having a new computer delivered tomorrow and will hopefully be back on the internet in my room, so I won't have to wait to use the computer or transfer the new parts between computers anymore .

***


Part Sixteen

Okay, so it’s been more than two days and I still haven’t found the right time to talk to Max in private about my journal. When I decided that I wanted him to read what I’d written, all I could think about was that it was the only way for him to really understand my thoughts and feelings. Problem is, every time I try to approach the subject I get cold feet. See, whilst I want him to read the serious, important, meaningful parts; giving him free reign over the journal means that he’ll also see the entries in which all I do is marvel over his amazing body, or describe his kissing (or even worse, his lovemaking) techniques in great detail. Which is why I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way I’ll feel comfortable about him reading it, is if I’m there with him too; that way, I can make sure that he skips the more embarrassing parts. All I have to do now is find a good time to talk to him.

“Hey, I feel like taking a walk, anyone else wanna come?” announces Max suddenly, from his spot next to Jack on the couch.

And here’s my opportunity.

“I’ll come with you, Max,” I tell him as I get up out of the armchair in the corner of the living room.

“Okay,” he smiles and stands up. “Jack, you coming?”

I frown slightly as Jack takes a quick glance at Becca, who’s making dinner in the kitchen, and then turns back to us. “Nah, I’m good. There’s this thing on TV in a few minutes that I want to watch.”

Max shrugs and sends me a small smile, “Looks like it’s just the two of us then, Lizzie.”

“Yep, I guess it is. So, shall we go, then?”

“Sure.”

We leave the cabin with a quick goodbye to Jack and Becca and make our way down the trail to the footpath alongside the lake. We walk in silence for several minutes. It’s not an uncomfortable silence exactly, but it seems that neither of us can think of a topic to discuss. I know that I should just swallow my pride and tell Max about the journal thing, but I just can’t seem to force the words out of my mouth. Instead, I’m so busy arguing with myself to just get on and talk to him that I don’t notice that he’s stopped walking and I almost bump right into him.

“It’s gorgeous out here, isn’t it?” he says softly, as he looks out over the lake.

I stand beside him and take in the beautiful scenery. “Yeah, it is,” I reply.

Okay, so here’s my chance. Just tell him.

“Max?”

“Yeah?” He doesn’t turn to look at me, but instead keeps his eyes on the calm water.

“There’s something I wanted to…” No, that’s not right. Let’s try again, “I mean, I think that maybe…”

Max lets his gaze leave the lake and turns to face me. “Liz, what is it?”

I suck in a deep breath and exhale slowly. “Okay, I’ve been thinking…I know that I asked you to come with me to see Dr. Jones and I’m really grateful that you agreed, but sometimes it still feels like no one can really understand how I felt when you came here after Christmas…” I pause for a moment to gather my thoughts. “So, I thought that maybe the only way you to get it would be if I let you read my journal.”

“Liz –” he starts, but I interrupt him.

“I mean, I know I’ve always told you it was private, and I guess at the time that’s how I felt, but I think you deserve to know what’s really been on my mind.”

“Liz, I can’t –”

“No, it’s okay, Max. I really don’t mind; in fact I want you to read it,” I tell him earnestly.

“But I don’t want to read it!” he bursts out suddenly, making me jump.

“What? Why not? For years, you’ve been begging me to let you have a peek!”

“Well, that was then,” he snorts, his gaze returning to the lake.

“So, what changed?”

“Liz, do you really think I want to read all about how your feelings for me have completely disappeared? How you no longer feel anything when we make love? I’m not a masochist, you know; I don’t get off on reading about how the woman I love no longer loves me!” he practically shouts and I jump at the unexpected sound.

“Max, that’s not…” I break off as my voice cracks, and I try to compose myself before starting again. It doesn’t work. “I never said that I stopped loving you,” I cry, the tears beginning to fall. “Something happened to block those feelings and I’m trying break through it. I just want you to understand what I’ve been going through.”

“I can’t read it, Liz. I just can’t,” he says sadly, shaking his head. “I don’t think I’m strong enough to hear it.”

I frown in confusion, “But you were okay last week, when I was talking about it with Dr. Jones.”

He scoffs, “I did it for you, because you needed me to. That was me trying to put on a brave face for your sake. Hearing you say that stuff about our sex life hurt more than anything in the world. It was hard enough just getting through that hour, let alone spending hours reading what you wrote in that diary of yours!”

“I don’t understand…” My head is spinning; how did I not know this?

“Of course you don’t, Liz,” he says quietly. “You’ve been so caught up in your own problems that you haven’t given a thought to anyone else’s.”

Ouch.

“That’s not fair, Max. I can’t help what’s happening to me. I know it might seem selfish, but that’s part of depression. And I’m trying to get better, I really am. You think I want to feel like this? You think I like it? Well, think again, Max.”

I fold my arms over my chest protectively and fix my eyes on the trees across the lake. I can feel Max’s intense gaze on me, but I can’t bring myself to look at him.

“What I said still stands, Liz,” he murmurs. “I can’t read it. I’m sorry.”

I keep still, my gaze not wavering from the trees on the horizon; but inside, my heart is aching.

We stand in silence for several moments, until Max announces suddenly, “I’m going back to the cabin,”

I barely move, but simply give a slight nod to indicate that I’ve heard him. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see him give me one last look and then turn to leave. I listen as his footstep retreat along the path and as soon as he’s out of sight, I let go. My arms fall to my sides in defeat and I slide down to the ground. I pull my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them tightly as the tears fall faster.

***

I arrive back at the cabin half an hour later to find Becca and Jack sitting together on the couch, watching TV. Max is nowhere to be found. After several minutes of trying and not getting much response from either of them, I finally manage to pry it out of Becca that he came back for a couple of minutes, grabbed Jack’s car keys and left in the car; apparently he ‘went for a drive’. Great.

I’m tempted to refuse when Jack invites me to join them in front of the TV, but then I realise that if I don’t take him up on the offer all I’ll do for the rest of the day is shut myself in my room and mope, so reluctantly, I walk over to the sofa and take the seat next to Becca. It turns out that one of my favourite movies is about to start, which would usually cheer me up; but for the next hour, I barely register a single word that anyone has said, or a single thing that has happened in it. My mind seems to constantly drift to Max and how I didn’t even think about how my confessions last week had affected him. Without warning, the guilt slams into me and I have to muffle the whimper that builds up in my throat. Oh God…Max…How could I have done this to him? And in front of Dr. Jones as well, who for all accounts is a relative stranger! I know what I have to do now. I have to apologise to him. I have to make this right.

Before I can think of the best way to go about doing that though, the sound of a car door slamming brings my attention back to the present. The door to the cabin opens suddenly and Max appears in the doorway. He doesn’t look happy. I allow myself a quick glance over at him, but the moment our eyes meet he pushes the door closed behind him, sends an unreadable look my way and heads straight for the stairs. I sit perfectly still; sure that the sadness I feel is now showing on my face. When I finally hear his bedroom door close with a sound click, I let out a noise of frustration, somewhere between a groan and a sigh.

“Hey, you okay?” Becca’s concerned tone penetrates my muddled brain. “What happened between you two earlier?”

I shrug. “Nothing.” But she isn’t buying it. “I don’t want to talk about it,” I tack on quickly.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see her shake her head sadly. “Liz, it’s not good to bottle things up like this. Look at what happened last time you did that”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” I repeat firmly, suddenly feeling angry and frustrated – but this time, I’m angry with myself.

Becca turns to Jack then; they seem to be communicating silently about something. I wonder what that’s all about? Jack finally gives a slight nod and Becca turns back to me.

“Look, Liz, why don’t we get out of here for a while, just you and me? We’ll drive into the city and find some shops or something.”

Despite the fact that all I really feel like doing right now is curling up and wallowing in my misery, it is starting to feel kind of claustrophobic in here, especially since Max made his cold, abrupt entrance only a couple of minutes ago.

“Okay,” I agree grudgingly.

“Great,” she smiles. “Come on, let’s go.”

She takes my arm and pulls me up off the couch. I only just have time to grab my purse before she tugs me out of the cabin and towards the car. Just before I climb into the passenger side, I let my gaze drift up to the second floor window, which I know looks into Max’s bedroom. I almost jump in shock when my eyes lock with his through the glass. His expression looks so dejected that I have to tear my eyes away from him and quickly turn my attention to the car before I burst into tears again.

As we pull out of the gravel-covered driveway, it’s all I can do to remain in the vehicle and not jump out, run upstairs to Max and beg his forgiveness.

TBC…

[Heavenli24]

Well, I have my new computer and I'm finally back on the internet properly .

Thanks for all your thoughts and comments :

guelbebek - Sorry to leave you hanging like that. Don't worry though, Max and Liz will talk soon .

harroc83 - You have some good points there. I agree that depression is a selfish disease, although I guess it depends on the person as to whether someone telling them to snap out of it will work. I also think that one of the big parts of getting better is realising that there are other people going through the same thing. I had problems with my friends in high school, which ended up with my social life going completely downhill by the time I left. When I started university, I shied away from going out and having fun, but one day i saw a notice about social anxiety disorder and I was like, that's how I feel. After that, it was like a barrier had been lifted and I wasn't so scared to go out socialising anymore .

roswell3053 - Thanks . hopefully this will be what they need to face their problems together.

anonymousarfan - You're right, she probably should have! I guess that deep down, Liz probably knew that her words could hurt Max, but she convinced herself that he would be able to look beyond that

kiwigirl - Sorry, they're not going to suddenly solve all their problems at once, but this maybe just be a step forward for Liz .

jbangelo - Don't worry, they will be talking soon .

youre my dreamgirl - Thanks . You're right, I'm not sure either of them are really to blame for the situation - it just happened. But, let's hope they can work through it.

clueless - Thanks . Here's the next part, a little earlier than I thought it would be.

To_Kiss_A_Frog - Thanks . Even when I wrote the parts where Max listened to Liz spilling her guts, I didn't put much thought into how Max would react to it. But when you think about it, it must be really hard to hear. Now that Liz knows how Max feels, maybe she can work on being more sensitive in how she expresses her own feelings .


Once again, this part is unbeta'd, so I hope I haven't missed any crucial mistakes . I managed to write the whole part in a couple of hours - I guess I was in 'The Zone' or something - so I hope it makes sense!

***


Part Seventeen

By the time Becca and I return from our impromptu shopping trip, my purse is a lot lighter, but I don’t feel much better. In fact, I spent most of the time in town feeling guilty about Max. I even bought the new CD he was eyeing up the other day for him as an ‘I’m sorry’ gift. Not that I think it will make the situation any better, but it’s been so long since I gave him anything at all, that I kind of feel I have owe him something now.

The cabin is eerily quiet when I open the door and enter the living area, I send a questioning glance towards Becca, but she just shrugs, her expression as curious as mine. Once we’ve dumped our shopping bags on the couch, I reach into one and grab the CD.

“I need to go talk to Max,” I tell her quietly.

“Okay,” she offers me an encouraging smile and beckons towards the stairs. “Go on.”

Becca and I had a long talk in the car on our way back here. I told her about the proposition I made to Max regarding my journal and his heated reaction to it. I told her how angry he seemed to be with me, and that his harsh words had really gotten to me this morning. Becca told me that she thought my reasons for wanting him to read my journal entries made sense, but that I approached the subject in the wrong way. She suggested that maybe what I should have done was discuss the idea with Max first; tell him my reasons for wanting him to read it and then give him the choice: Would he like to read my journal? Did he think that would help?

She made me realise that however much I thought Max was okay with hearing how I felt, I really hadn’t tried to see it from his point of view: ‘How would I feel if Max suddenly told me that he didn’t feel anything for me anymore?’, ‘How much would that hurt me?’; and it was then that I realised I wasn’t the only one affected by my depression; it had taken its toll on Max as well. I made up my mind right there in the car. As soon as we got back, I would talk to Max. I would apologise to him sincerely, hand him the CD, and maybe then we could work something out.

I return Becca’s smile and turn towards the wooden staircase. Clutching the CD in my hands, I make my way up the stairs towards Max’s room. I just hope he’s still in there. He must be, I decide as I reach the top step and round the corner to see Jack exiting the room and closing the door behind him. He gives me a sympathetic smile as he notices me standing at the top of the stairs and makes his way towards me.

“Hey,” he says quietly. He glances back towards Max’s room for a moment before turning to me again and reaching out to rub my upper arm comfortingly with his hand. “Look, Max told me what happened earlier. He’s hurting right now, and understandably so…” I wince. “But, on the other hand, you’re having an even tougher time than him and I know you can’t help how you feel. I really think you two need to talk, Liz. Get it all out in the open; maybe you’ll both feel better about yourselves afterwards.”

I have to swallow against the lump that has formed in my throat at his words. “Thank you, Jack.”

“For what?” he shrugs nonchalantly, a slight smile gracing his lips.

“For being you; for being such a great friend to me lately. Thank you,” I tell him sincerely. “I’m actually on my way to talk to Max now. I want to work this all out with him. I want to apologise for the way I’ve treated him the last few months. I want to make things right again. I can’t lose him, Jack; and you know what I realised today? I don’t want to lose him.”

His smile widens then, “Good for you, Liz. You go work things out with your guy.” He pulls me into a quick, warm hug before I can protest that Max is not really ‘my guy’ anymore. “I’m proud of you, Liz,” he whispers just before he releases me, “for being so strong.”

“Thank you,” I whisper back.

He just nods. “Okay, so I’m gonna go –“ he points downstairs. “Good luck.”

For a few seconds, I watch him retreat down the stairs before turning and making my way down the hall to Max’s room. By the time I get there, I seem to have lost my confidence. I stand outside, gripping the CD tightly, barely moving a muscle as I take deep breaths. I don’t know why, but my heart is suddenly beating rapidly in my chest and I feel kind of faint. I can only take it as a sign that I’m doing the right thing and that maybe after I pluck up the courage to knock on the door and go in, things will be better for us. With a sudden burst of determination, I release one of my hands from the CD and knock firmly on the door. Knowing that I’ll lose my nerve if I stand out here any longer, I don’t wait for a reply, but instead turn the knob and slip into the room.

“Max?” I call softly. He’s lying on his bed staring up at the ceiling, his hands behind his head. My chest clenches when I notice fresh tear streaks glistening on his cheeks. Why did I not consider that instead of consoling me all the time, Max might need comforting too?

“Leave me alone, Liz.” The reply is soft, almost whispered, but it hurts all the same.

“Max, I’m sorry,” I murmur, as genuinely and seriously as I can.

But he just shakes his head and shifts his gaze to the side, away from me.

“Max, please,” I’m practically begging now. “We need to talk.”

“What, so you can let me know all over again how much I don’t turn you on anymore?” His tone is bitter and waves of both guilt and shame sweep over me.

“Max, I just want to make this right,” I cry desperately. “I know you’re hurting and it kills me to know that I’m the cause of that. But I am too and I’m trying to get better, believe me.”

“Liz,” Max starts, as he shifts on the bed, pulling himself up into a sitting position. He rubs a hand across his eyes and forehead. “I’m tired; exhausted, even. I just don’t have the energy to get into this with you today. Now please, just go.”

That’s it. For so long now, I’ve just sat back and let everything wash over me, but not anymore; not when it’s this important. “No, Max! I’m not going anywhere; not until we’ve worked this out!”

Max’s hand falls to his side and he simply stares at me with red-rimmed eyes, before sighing in defeat. “Okay…so talk.”

Well, now that he’s finally agreed to listen to me at least, I don’t even know where to start. I look down at my hands, as if that’s going to help me decide. Wait, I’m still holding the CD…well, it’s a start.

“Okay…well, um, first…I got you something. Here,” I hold the CD out to him, “it’s a peace offering.”

He looks at it sceptically and then up at me. “And this is supposed to make up for everything, is it?”

“No, Max, it’s not; not even close. But I saw it and I thought of you; I had to get it,” I say in explanation. “Please, take it.”

He just watches me and for a moment I think that he’s just going to refuse my offer, but then he sighs reluctantly and reaches for it with a mumbled, “Thank you.”

“Max, I want to apologise for being so insensitive towards your feelings the past few days. For months now, all I’ve been able to see and comprehend is my own pain and suffering…and I’m sorry,” I tell him earnestly. “Sorry that I took you for granted, sorry that I didn’t talk to you sooner about how I felt, sorry that I’ve hurt you. I never wanted to hurt you, really I didn’t, but I guess I was so intent on getting to the bottom of what caused the depression that I didn’t think about how you’d react to what I was telling you.”

“Liz…” Max starts softly; as he reaches for my hand and pulls me down to sit next to him on the bed. “I’m sorry, too. It wasn’t my intention to get angry with you or to take my frustration out on you today. I know that your emotions are fragile right now and I don’t want to make things worse, but I can’t help how I feel either. I tried to put on a brave face for your sake, but it really hurt to hear you say those things to me about love and our private life. I didn’t mean for my feelings to erupt like that, but when you mentioned reading your journal, all I could think about was how I would ever get through reading that you didn’t feel anything for me anymore,” his voice cracks at the end and he lowers his head.

“I talked to Becca earlier,” I say quietly, “and she made me realise that I shouldn’t have just announced it like that. I didn’t even ask you whether you wanted to read it; I didn’t give you a choice, and I should have. I just…I remembered that you used to pester me all the time about wanting to read it…and I guess I thought you’d still want to now.”

“Liz,” he murmurs gently, “that was when you were writing private boyfriend things about me – and I was anxious to know what you really thought of me and my…you know…skills. But the longer we were together, the more I learned about you and how you saw me, and I didn’t have to worry anymore about what you might be writing in there – it was clear from your words and your actions. But now…the thought of reading how those feelings have changed…it makes me shudder.”

Slowly, I nod my head; I think I finally understand. I’m not going to pressure Max into reading the journal, but I still think that it’s important for him to know some of the things I wrote, and I think I may have come up with a solution.

“Max, would you read it if you didn’t have to look at the parts about you? I mean, not everything I wrote in there was about us. Maybe if you knew what else I was going through, without going into my feelings for you, it wouldn’t be so bad?” I suggest hopefully.

He hesitates. “Liz, I don’t know…Look,” he cups my face in his hand, tilting it up so I’m looking directly at him. “I understand that our relationship played a big part in your depression and I also understand that it’s important to tackle that part of your life as well. But at the same time, I still have my own feelings to consider.”

“Max, what are you saying?”

He sighs. “I guess I’m saying that I’m willing to read your journal, but I can’t promise that I’ll be able to handle everything that’s written in there.”

I let out a sigh of relief, “Thank you, Max. It’s means a lot to me that you’ll read it, and I won’t force you to read anything you’re not comfortable with. Thank you.”

Impulsively, I extend my arms and pull him into a tight hug. It was meant to be a quick show of gratitude, but when I feel Max’s arms loop around my back, I can’t bring my self to pull away just yet. Instead, I savour the feel of being so close to him and close my eyes in the hope that if I can just commit this moment to memory, then maybe everything will be okay.

TBC…

[Heavenli24]

Sorry about the wait with the next part, it took me a while to decide how to write it and I also got sudden inspiration for another fic idea and ended up writing an entire new story instead of part 18 of this one !

Anyway, thank you for the feedback and bumps :

clueless - Thanks . They did need to talk, and now that they have, maybe things will get even better soon...

youre my dreamgirl - Thanks . Yeah, it's finally starting to come together now.

Roswell 10/2/00 - Thank you . You're right, they're getting there, slowly, but surely.

maya - Maybe, maybe not . You'll have to read and find out

guelbebek - Thank you .

OCchica6 - Yeah, hopefully this will be a step in the right direction .

lazza - I guess that's why it's so hard - it's easy to understand where both parties are coming from, so how do you know what the right thing to do is? .


***


Part Eighteen

…July 5th 2002…

…LA is so cool! I can’t believe I’m actually here, in the entertainment capital of…well, the world, I guess! And right now, Max is reading this over my shoulder and rolling his eyes at me – yeah, Max, I know you’re there!

Okay, he’s gone now. It’s a good thing I was only writing about this holiday and not anything that he could use to embarrass me later!

So, anyway, we made it to our hotel by midday today and we’re just gonna stay here and relax for the rest of the day, maybe check out some shops for gifts – I promised Maria I’d buy her something ‘LA’ and tacky!

Okay, go to go now, Max is gesturing frantically at me to get a move on so we can check out the outdoor pool. He’s even all ready to go, with his swim shorts on and a towel in hand. Me? I’m still in my normal clothes and I think my bikini must be buried somewhere deep in the bottom of my suitcase…


Max smirks as he reads the last sentence, “Man, was I glad you finally found that bikini. You looked so hot in it!”

I can’t help the slight giggle that escapes my throat at his expression, and I roll my eyes. “You know, you should be glad I’m letting you read these parts, Max. They were supposed to be totally private.”

“I know that, Liz, but I think I deserve a bit of cheering up after everything else I’ve read today,” he says, turning serious.

I feel the tentative smile drop from my face as I’m reminded of the painful, emotional evening we’ve had so far. Max and I are currently sitting on my bed, reading through my journal. We sat down here together a little more than two hours ago. Since then, Max has read the majority of my journal entries from the last few months. Despite his adamant reaction over reading about himself and our relationship in there, he did manage to get through a couple of the parts where I described my feelings about us, but by the end of them, he had tears in his eyes. I took pity on him after that and assured him that I understood and that I could only imagine how hard this must be for him too.

So, after more tears from both of us, and a honest heart-to-heart, I suggested that maybe we should look through some of the happier entries. As he began reading through them, I realised that my previous worries and mortification over him seeing what I’d written were just kind of silly and trivial now. Compared to some of the painful things he read earlier, recounting my road-trip memories must be a welcome diversion.

“I know, Max,” I tell him. “And I’m sorry. I realise now that maybe I shouldn’t have tried to force you to go through this with me. I doubt it was fair to you.”

He shakes his head a little, “Liz, I’ll admit that it wasn’t easy for me, but now I understand why it was so important for you to have me see this. You were right, it has given me greater insight into your thoughts and feelings lately and as painful as it was to read at times, I honestly think it was good for us to get it out in the open.”

“Thank you, Max,” I smile gratefully. “It means a lot that you agreed to it.”

“No problem,” he smiles back, before turning back to the pages in front of him. “Now, where were we? Let’s get back to reading some more juicy stuff about me!”

I just shake my head at his eagerness and lean back next to him against the wall as he starts reading again.


… July 10th 2002...

...It’s three-fifteen in the morning and I can’t sleep. Right now, I’m sitting in the chair by the window, the small, dim table lamp providing just enough light for me to write this. Max is asleep on the double bed in the middle of our room and I’m spending more time watching him than writing this journal entry.

I feel really awful for what happened last night.

Max and I were on our way back to the hotel, when my cell phone rang. It was Aiden. He’d dropped his cousin home and had the evening free. He asked me to dinner and a movie and I said yes. I didn’t even think about leaving Max alone for the night, or how he might feel about me just abandoning him like that. All I was thinking about was getting my mind off the growing feelings I was having for him and going out with Aiden seeming like the best way to do that.

Don’t get me wrong, Aiden is a great guy; I had fun with him and when he kissed me at the end of the night, I didn’t pull back, at least not right away. But the second I walked through the door of our motel room at just gone midnight and saw Max’s face; I knew I’d made a bad decision. He was annoyed with me and we ended up getting into a full-blown argument.

Now I’m torn. Half of me is saying ‘just get over it and tell him what you’re really feeling’, but the other half is telling me ‘what good would that do, he’s your best friend and suggesting anything more could ruin everything.” I just don’t know what to do anymore…


“Wait. You kissed Aiden? How did I not know this?” Max turns to me, a hurt expression on his face.

“Because it wasn’t important, Max. It didn’t mean anything to me,” I tell him quietly.

“But, you kissed him!”

“Look, the minute I did it, I regretted it, okay? I knew that Aiden wasn’t right for me and it didn’t go any further than that,” I defend my actions. “And besides, have you even read the last couple of lines?”

He looks down at the words on the page, “Oh.”

“Yeah,” I nod.

A tiny smile tugs at one corner of his mouth, “You know, for the record, the ‘getting over it and telling me’ would have been the better option.”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t know that at the time,” I say with a shrug. “And if I had, I would have missed out on that wonderful first kiss in San Francisco.”

“True,” he muses, “That was one hell of a kiss, wasn’t it?”

“Don’t blow smoke up your own ass, Evans,” I retort with a smile. I really don’t know what’s got into me tonight. I’m actually feeling…well, normal, and you know what? I like it. “I think it’s time for another page.”

I flick through the book to find another entry and we start reading. Unfortunately, the passage I pick is even worse than the last one!


… July 13th 2002...

...I’m not sure I can effectively describe how wonderful I’m feeling at the moment. I spent the entire day walking around with a huge, silly grin on my face and no amount of self-restraint could stop it.

It’s kind of strange really. Now that Max knows how I feel and he’s confessed his feelings to me, it’s almost like we’re just noticing each other for the first time. Even though we’ve already kissed and admitted feelings, it’s as if we’re going right back to the flirty stage, the part that usually happens before the first kiss and confessions of love. And for the most part, we’ve definitely passed the ‘getting to know you’ part of the relationship. It’s weird; our entire relationship is completely backwards!

All day long, Max and I have been exchanging these discrete glances and secret looks. I feel like I’m back in junior high again, getting goose bumps whenever my big crush so much as looks in my direction, but really, I love it. It feels good to be the centre of Max’s attention, and I don’t just mean in a best-friends, we’re-the-only-two-people-on-this-trip kind of way. I mean, he’s been looking at me the same way he used to look at Jenna, his first crush in high school, when he thought no one was looking; and it warms my heart…


“You know, Jenna was nothing compared to you,” he murmurs softly, making my heart warm. “And what’s more, I was feeling the same way that day. You were definitely the centre of all my attention.”

I feel my cheeks getting hot and look away quickly so that he doesn’t see my reaction. I don’t know what it is about today, but I’m starting to remember all those old feelings again.

“Yeah, well,” I mumble in embarrassment. “Let’s move on, shall we?”


… July 14th 2002...

...We said goodbye to Isabel and Alex this morning and now we’ve decided to drive all the way across the country to the East coast. We drove for eight hours today and have stopped for the night at a motel on the side of the road somewhere near Barstow, CA. Just for fun, and because it’s not too far from here, we’re going to drive up to Las Vegas tomorrow. I know that we’re only eighteen and so can’t legally do any of the things that Vegas is famous for, but we don’t care – it’ll still be fun to take in the atmosphere.

Then on Wednesday, we’ll carry on Eastwards along the I40, until we reach the coast. Our main destination is New York City, but we’re going to try to visit as much of the area as we can. Max has promised that we’ll make a stop at Harvard so he can see the campus and where I’ll be living in the Fall.

Just thinking about going off to college and leaving Max in New Mexico is making me all choked up. It was bad enough before when he was just my best friend, but now that we’re together, the prospect of living thousands of miles from him is almost unbearable…


“Oh, Liz…I’m sorry you were feeling that way,” he says as he reaches the end of the entry. “If it’s any consolation, the thought of you going off to college was getting me down too.”

“It was just getting hard, you know,” I tell him in explanation.

“I know,” he murmurs, placing a hand over mine. “But we got through it, didn’t we?”

I smile at him for a moment, before turning back to the book once more.


… July 16th 2002...

...Wow, I can’t stop smiling this morning!

Max and I are in Las Vegas, we’re currently sharing not just a room, but also a bed, in the Excalibur hotel and memories of last night are running through my mind at an amazing speed. Max said yesterday that he was going to surprise me, and well, surprise me he did!

First, he took me to dinner at the Caribbean themed restaurant, Kahunaville, in the Treasure Island hotel. He told me that it was ‘in honour of all the times we rode Pirates of the Caribbean at Disneyland’ and he insisted on paying, since it was our first official date. The food was gorgeous and although we couldn’t drink them, the cocktails sounded delicious – they even had this huge one that cost $18 and you could even keep the cocktail glass afterwards!

But dinner wasn’t what made the evening special, it was what happened once we got back to our room that did…


Max appears to be both smiling and blushing by the end of this one.

“What?” I wonder self-consciously.

He swallows, “I’m really glad you didn’t write down the details of that night. I’m not sure I could handle the embarrassment.”

“What are you talking about? It was one of the best nights of my life.”

“Well…it’s just that…I didn’t really know what I was doing,” he admits quietly.

I frown. “But you said you did it to Tess…” I trail off, knowing that he’ll get my meaning.

“Liz,” he shakes his head. “It might not have been my first time doing ‘that’ but it was different with you. I felt like I was under all this pressure to do it right and to make you happy.”

Tears spring to my eyes at his confession. “Max, it was perfect,” I assure him. “And you needn’t have worried. The fact that it was you was enough for me.”

“Thank you,” he just about whispers. “That means a lot.”

We smile at each other for a moment before turning back to the journal.


… July 31st 2002...

...Well, we’re finally on our way back to Roswell. I can’t believe this trip is really over and that, in less than two hours, we’ll be back home with our friends and our parents. We haven’t told anyone except our parents, exactly when we’ll be back, because we don’t want to arrive home tired and cranky from travelling, only to find a huge, loud welcome party waiting for us.

You know, in a way, I’m actually kind of glad to be going home. It’ll be nice to eat home-cooked food again and catch up with Maria and the rest of the gang on all the Roswell gossip. But I already know that I’m going to miss Max like crazy. There’s no way we’ll be able to spend as much time with each other as we have done over the last month and a half. For a start, we both have to go back to work: me at the Crashdown and him at he UFO Centre; and since we don’t know how everyone’s going to react to the news that we’re more than just friends now, who knows how often we’ll get to be alone?

Shit, maybe I shouldn’t have been so understanding of Max’s feelings last night and instead, persuaded him that it was the right time for us to sleep together! We may not get a chance to do anything at all once we’re back living under our parent’s roofs.

Or actually…maybe it could be fun! We could pretend we’re not together and then sneak around in private for a laugh. No, wait…scratch that, there’s no way I’ll be able to be around Max and not touch him in a way that would be deemed inappropriate for best friends to act around each other.

I mean, just look at him…


“Wow, you put a lot of thought into that, didn’t you,” he grins.

I shrug, “Yeah, well, it was important at the time.”

“Could you really not be around me without wanting to…you know…?”

“Um, no, actually, I couldn’t,” I confess. “You can’t imagine the number of times I had to leave the room just to get away from you and calm myself down!”

“Really?” he smirks.

I duck my head in embarrassment and shove his arm, “Shut up.”

He just continues to smirk and flicks through the rest of the journal. As he does so, I watch him carefully, my face flushing as I realize something. I’m actually feeling attracted to him again. Somehow, the journal has managed to bring back not just my memories, but my feelings too. Does this mean what I think it does? Am I really moving past this?

“Hey,” Max’s amused voice interrupts my musings. “Here’s one I haven’t read…”


…October 22nd 2004...

...When I got in this afternoon from my exhausting, stressful day in the lab, the first thing I did was call Max. He seems to have a knack for calming me down and making me feel better when I struggle with schoolwork, which has been happening a lot lately. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really cut out for Harvard. The course work is so hard sometimes and the pressure to do well is immense. What I wouldn’t give to have Max’s life at UNM right now. He has his soccer buddies and a much easier workload, not to mention the New Mexico sunshine that is severely lacking here on the east coast.

You know, even though Max managed to cheer me up on the phone, the high I got from talking to him only lasted about half an hour. By eight o’clock, I was staring at my reflection in the mirror, mascara smudges around my eyes, as I wondered what exactly he sees in me anymore. I’m no fun right now; all I ever seem to do is work and sleep and lie in bed watching TV. I have dark circles under my eyes, my hair is lank and messy, and I’m sure I’ve put on a few pounds with all the junk food I’ve been stuffing my face with lately.

How can he love me like this?…


As soon as I realize which entry he’s reading, I turn my head and look everywhere except in his direction. I know it didn’t bother me when he read paragraphs like that earlier, but now that we’ve gone over the more fun, lighthearted parts, having him read that just makes me feel like a failure. I can’t help it; tears begin to well up in my eyes.

“Oh, Lizzie,” he murmurs softly when he reaches the end. “Did you really feel that way about yourself?”

I can feel his sympathetic gaze on me and I have to clench my jaw to stop from crying. All I can manage is a tiny, almost imperceptible nod, all the while staring at the opposite wall. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Max straighten suddenly as he closes the journal and shuffles forward on the bed.

“Wait here, Liz; I want to show you something,” he tells me, before quickly crossing the room and disappearing through the door. As soon as he’s gone, I let out a tired sigh and a couple of tears leak from my eyes. I take a couple of deep breaths to calm myself before Max comes back, but suddenly he appears in the doorway again. With a small, sympathetic smile, he walks towards the bed again, a thin red book in his hand.

“Hey, don’t cry,” he tells me softly, as he takes his seat on the bed and leans over to wipe the tears from my eyes with his thumbs. “First of all, I want to say that I’m sorry you’ve had to go through all of this on your own,” he says then. I nod. “And secondly, I have something here that I really want you to see. I think maybe it’ll help.”

He flicks through the red book until he finds what he’s looking for and then holds it out to me. I look at him in puzzlement for a moment, before reaching out to take it from him.

“Go on, read it,” he encourages.


…December 18th 2004...

...Liz came home today. After four long months of making do with only hearing her voice, I finally got to hold her in my arms and kiss her and make love to her again. When I saw her walking towards me at the airport, I just couldn’t take my eyes off her. She looks even more gorgeous now than when we said goodbye back in August. Sure, she looks a little tired, but that’s what Harvard will do to you. Harvard. Sometimes I still can’t believe that I have a Harvard girlfriend, that my little Lizzie Parker has made so much of herself. Even though I know she’s had a few problems with her workload lately, I can’t help being proud of her for everything she’s already managed to accomplish.

Even as I sit here now, watching her sleep beside me, I still feel everything that I felt for her all those years ago at the end of high school. But now, she’s just glowing. Her features seem softer somehow, but now it’s only turning me on even more. God, I love her. I can’t believe I’m going to get to spend a whole semester with her now. I’ve spent the last 2 years hoping for something like this, and now finally really happening…


I can’t speak, I really can’t. All I can do is open and close my mouth repeatedly, but no sound comes out.

“I started a journal, too,” Max supplies unnecessarily. “Last summer. I realized that if I wrote down how I felt at that particular time then we’d have something else to reminisce over in the future.

I’m feeling too overwhelmed right now to focus on what he’s saying. Instead, my mind is focused on those words on the page; the ones were he says he loves me and that I’m gorgeous. There’s a sudden rushing in my ears and it’s like something just becomes clear in my mind. How could I have let everything get so out of control, how could I have pushed Max away like that? He loves me so much, he finds me attractive, and he’s here, willing to show me that.

“Max…” I start, raising my eyes to his. I lean towards him. “Thank you,” I whisper, before sealing my lips over his.

TBC…

[Heavenli24]

Thanks for your comments, I really appreciate them all :

youre my dreamgirl - Thank you .

jbangelo - Thanks . My plan was to finally have Liz want Max to read the journal, after all that time insisting that he couldn't see it. I also wanted to lighten the atmosphere between them a little .

anonymousarfan - No, you're making perfect sense - just read this next part .

guelbebek - Thanks - as for the kiss - you'll have to read on to see what's going to happen next. P.S. Thanks for the bump .

clueless - Thank you .

roswell3053 - Thanks . Yeah, things are looking up. But is Liz really thinking clearly right now?


Sorry, this part is a lot shorter than the last one, but I got to the end of it sooner than I thought I would .


***


Part Nineteen

I close my eyes and try to lose myself in the kiss. I’m so intent on putting the past behind me and feeling normal again, that I don’t notice that Max has yet to respond to me. I shut my mind to the fact that his hands have crept up to my shoulders to gently push me away from him. It’s only when has to literally wrench his mouth away, that I finally get a clue.

“Liz,” he mutters, his hands still braced on my shoulders, holding me away from him. “Stop.”

I look up at him with wounded eyes. He doesn’t want me now? What’s going on here?

“But…” I start, my voice a mixture of hurt and confusion. I thought he wanted this?

He shakes his head sympathetically and for a moment I just want to strangle him. He’s been great these last couple of week, but right now it feels like he’s patronising me and I don’t like it.

“Liz, we can’t do this.” I frown and open my mouth to speak, but he doesn’t give me the chance to. “At least not right now,” he continues quickly. “I mean, we’re both emotional here, we’ve just pretty much bared our souls to each other and I don’t think that becoming romantically involved again is a particularly wise idea right now.”

What? But can’t he see that I’m finally feeling good again, that I actually want him?

“But, I’m feeling better, Max!” I protest. “I want you again. I want to lose myself in you, right here, right now.”

“Exactly, Liz,” he tells me patiently. “You’d be trying to lose yourself. You’d be using me to forget your problems, and I can’t let you do that.”

I shake my head frantically. “I wouldn’t, Max. I swear,” I persist. I raise my hand to stroke his cheek gently. “I want to make love to you again.”

He gazes down at me and for the briefest moment, I think he’s going to give in; but then his fingers cover mine on his cheek and he gently lowers my hand to my lap. “Look, I understand that you’re feeling better today and I can’t even imagine how good that must make you feel, but I have to be totally honest here, Liz; you may feel ready, but I can’t let you do this, I can’t do this with you until I know that you’re not going to regret it,” he tells me earnestly.

“Max, I –”

“Shh,” he silences me with a finger to my lips. “I know you probably don’t want to hear this, but it broke my heart when we broke up.” I start to protest, but he shoots me a meaningful look and continues. “I know that what happened to us is nobody’s fault, but I can’t deny that it hurt me and I don’t think that we can start something up again if you’re not completely healthy. I couldn’t handle it if we got back together now, only for the same thing to happen again; and I don’t think you could either.”

The words of objection to his argument were on the tip of my tongue when he started speaking, but by the time he finishes, I can’t get them out. My feelings are mixed. On the one hand, I really do feel awful that my actions caused him so much pain, but on the other, I just want to get my life back and right now, he’s the only one standing in the way.

“No, Max, I can’t wait that long!” I grind out, as I roughly pull my hand away from his and stand up quickly. “I just want to be me again. I want to have my boyfriend back. I don’t want to be stuck in this limbo anymore, halfway to being well, but with so much holding me back!” As I shout the words at him, some small part of my mind realises that I’m being irrational and unfair to him, but I suddenly feel so frustrated and angry at the whole situation that logical thinking is too much right now. “I need to be me again,” I plead in anguish.

“Look, I get that you’re frustrated, okay? I am too,” he counters, anger evident in his voice as well. “But that’s my point. It’s not a good idea for us to be together purely out of frustration that we’re stuck in ‘limbo’. I know that it must be hard for you to deal with all of this, but adding feelings greater than friendship to it now could just end up doing more harm than good, and I won’t allow you to put your recovery in jeopardy like that!”

“Oh, you won’t allow me?” I question harshly. “Since when do you have control over my life? It’s my body, my mind, and I’m perfectly capable of deciding when I’m ready to be with you again.”

At that, Max snorts and shakes his head. “But it’s not completely up to you, is it? What makes you think I’m just gonna come running when you tell me to? This has to be a mutual decision, Liz, and if one of us is not ready, then the other is just going to have to respect that.”

His words make me stop still. In all the time we were together, he never once referred to our relationship in such a formal, civil way. There was always a fun, joking atmosphere between us and although respect for each other was certainly present, it wasn’t something we ever spoke of formally.

“You know what? I can’t deal with this right now,” I tell him suddenly, as I feel tears of anger and frustration threatening to fall. “I’m leaving.”

I turn to the door and march towards it. Behind me, I hear the bed shift as Max stands and begins to close the gap between us. “Oh, that’s right, Liz. Just bail out whenever the conversation gets too much for you .God, you’re a coward sometimes!”

I stop, my hand on the doorknob as his words sink in. Max, my Max, just called me a coward. I try desperately not to let my hurt show, but I am unsuccessful as I take in a deep breath and feel my shoulders heave with the weight of the emotions running through me. I hesitate in my actions, but the second Max reaches out to touch my arm, the anger returns and I wrench the door open, stalk through hit and slam it behind me. Holding my chin up, I walk determinedly along the hallway to the stairs. I ignore the sound of the bedroom door opening behind me, and Max’s shout as he follows me. I walk faster in the hopes of avoiding him, but he catches up with me on the stairs. His hand reaches out to grab my arm, but I shrug out of his grasp and continue on down the steps ahead of him. However, when I reach the bottom step, I see something that makes me stop dead, causing Max to crash into me from behind. My mouth falls open and I try to speak, but all that comes out is a little squeak.

“Liz? What…?” he starts in annoyance, but then I guess his eyes land on the scene in front of us, because his next words are, “Oh shit!”

Becca and Jack are on the couch. Well, they’re not just ‘on the couch’, they’re half-naked and making out on the couch; in the middle of the living room; while we were upstairs having a serious talk and subsequent raging argument.

God, what do I do now? Do I go back upstairs, try to calm things down with Max and get this incident out of my head? Or do I interrupt them and cause embarrassment all round?

Somehow, I don’t think either scenario will work out well.

Oh crap.

TBC…

[Heavenli24]

I'm really sorry about the wait with the next part - I've been trying to sort out my plans for next year (I'm going to Grad School in September/October) and haven't got much writing done, but I managed to finish this yesterday so here you go...

Thanks for the feedback :

youre my dreamgirl - No, it's not the right time at the moment, but that doesn't mean it won't be the right time later on .

jbangelo - Yeah, Liz seems to be under the impression that in order to return to normal, she needs to replicate everything that was in her life before and it doesn't work that way .

RoninBehr - Thanks . Jack and Becca together is something I've been planning for a while .

anonymousarfan - Thanks .

sylvia37 - Thank you . Yeah, Liz isn't seeing things clearly - she's only focusing on the fact that she's finally feeling something again and not looking at the big picture. Luckily Max is there to set her straight .

guelbebek - Thanks .

roswell3053 - Thanks. I think you could be right about that .

clueless - Thanks .

lazza - I think she's trying to understand that, but it's hard for her. And no, Becca doesn't have a boyfriend - she's had flings and one-nignt-stands, but no steady boyfriend (yet) .



***

Part Twenty

Max tugs at my arm, urging me to go back upstairs with him, but I can’t tear my eyes away from the scene in front of me. I just stand on the stairs, staring at them, my mouth hanging open in shock. Jack and Becca. Becca and Jack. Their names just swirl around in my head. This doesn’t make sense; when did this happen? How did this happen? And how did I not see it coming? Oh, that’s right; I’ve been so caught up in my own emotions and problems that for the last few weeks, I’ve barely noticed what’s been going on around me.

“Liz,” whispers Max harshly. “Come on.”

I finally snap out of my daze when he slips his hand in mine and I almost jump at the familiar contact. Slowly, I turn to head quietly back up the stairs, but I’m unprepared for Max’s closeness to me, and end up falling over my feet and clumsily bumping into him.

“Oww. Shit!” I cry and glare at Max in annoyance. But he’s not looking at me; in fact, his gaze is fixed over my shoulder towards the couch. I cringe as I hear a muffled gasp from behind me, and then a muttered curse. I turn around to face the couch slowly, just in time to see my best friends struggling to sit up and straighten their clothes.

“Liz, Max, hi!” exclaims Becca hurriedly, her tone slightly higher than normal. “What are you guys doing here?”

“Well, we are staying in this cabin, too,” I remind her sarcastically. “And shouldn’t the question be: what are you two doing here?”

“Liz,” warns Max softly from behind me.

“Um…hey, Liz,” murmurs Jack sheepishly from his now upright position next to Becca. “We were just…um…”

He glances helplessly in Becca’s direction, before turning back to Max and I. Having gotten over the initial shock of seeing them together, I can’t help but cross my arms and smirk at him. “You were just…what, Jack? Testing out the springiness of the couch?”

His eyes widen in surprise, “No, um…we just…”

“Save it,” I tell him sternly, before breaking out in a grin, “So, how long has this been going on then?”

“Not long,” Becca speaks up. “A few days, that’s all. Look, Liz, we didn’t mean for this to…especially when you’re still, you know, getting better…” she rambles, embarrassed.

“Wait a minute,” I interrupt. “You’ve been sneaking around, keeping this a secret, because of me?”

“Well, yeah,” she admits quietly. “We didn’t want to upset you.”

“Bex, that’s like the furthest thing from the truth,” I tell her with a smile. “I’m happy for the two of you. After all, it’s about time at least one of us experienced some happiness.” As the words leave my mouth, I feel Max stiffen behind me and I know what he’s thinking. He’s feeling responsible for my unhappiness. A wave of compassion for him sweeps over me and I squeeze his hand in response, to let him know that despite our argument, I understand where he’s coming from.

A tentative smile tugs at her lips, “Really? You mean that?”

“Of course I do,” I smile and hold her gaze for a few seconds, until a slight movement behind her catches my eye. “And you, Jack! Honestly, how long did you think you could keep something like this from me?” I tease.

He shrugs uncomfortably, “Well, you know, I…”

“Hey, I’m just kidding,” I grin and he lets out a small sigh of relief.

Behind me, Max clears his throat, “Well, um, we’ll just leave you two alone now. I have to talk to Liz upstairs for a moment.”

Becca raises an eyebrow at me as he speaks, but I shoot her a warning look. “Yeah, um, we’re just gonna go back up…” I point my thumb in the direction behind me. “But we are going to have a nice, long talk later, Bex,” I tell her meaningfully. I see Jack smirking at that and turn my attention to him instead. “And don’t think you’re gonna get off scot-free either, Mister,” I warn, wagging my finger at him playfully.

“Liz, come on.” Max tugs my hand. “Let’s leave them alone.”

I shoot the two of them one last speculative look, before turning and following Max upstairs. He opens the door to my room and ushers me in. Once inside, we stand awkwardly in the centre of the room. As the shock of finding Becca and Jack together fades away, I remember that Max and I were in the middle of an argument before all this happened and now it appears that neither of us knows what to say to ease the earlier tension.

Taking a deep breath, I attempt to remedy the situation, “Max, I’m sorry…about earlier. I didn’t mean to put you in an awkward position like that.”

“Liz,” his lips curl up in a small smile, “It’s okay, really. Look, I understand that you must be frustrated by this situation and I want to help you, I really do; but I think we need to give it some time first. Can you accept that?”

I watch his face carefully as he speaks. I can tell that he’s being sincere and that he really is just looking out for me; and that knowledge alone is enough for me to want to throw my arms around him.

“Yeah,” I nod slowly, “I think I can.”

“Thank you,” he smiles. “Hey, come here,” he beckons when I don’t return the pleased look. He enfolds me in his arms and I sink into his embrace, my muscles automatically relaxing as he hugs me. After several moments, he pulls back and gazes down at me. As he smoothes down my hair and tucks the loose strands behind my ear, he murmurs softly, “For the record, I still love you, Liz,” At his words, my heart begins to beat faster in my chest. “I just think we need a little space to sort things out and then maybe we can try this again, okay?”

“Okay,” I whisper, feeling a lump rise in my throat.

He smiles. “Well, then, I guess I’d better leave you and Becca to your talk,” he grins.

“Okay,” I repeat.

He turns to leave, and makes it halfway across the room before turning back to me. “I just…” he starts, but instead of continuing, he walks back to me, slides his hand under my hair to cup my neck and lowers his lips to mine. His kiss is tender and sweet and…over before I know it. He pulls back and I open my eyes to see him smiling down at me.

“Sorry, I just…wanted to make up for my reaction earlier,” he explains. “It doesn’t mean – ”

“I know,” I cut in. “But, thank you.”

He just nods and turns to leave once more. I watch him leave and let out a sigh when he’s gone. Oh, Max, what am I going to do with you?

***

When I finally make it back downstairs to confront Becca, Jack is nowhere to be seen.

“Hey, Bex,” I greet as I take a seat next to her on the couch. “Where’s Jack?”

“Hmm?” she lifts her head as if she’s just noticed me sitting here. “Oh, um, he and Max went out to get beer, pizza and ice cream.”

“Oh,” I nod. “Let me guess, the ice cream’s for us.”

“Yeah,” she grins.

“So, since it’s just us here now, how about you tell me exactly how you and Jack happened? And I want all the details…well, almost all of them,” I amend quickly. “I’m not sure I want to know everything my two best friends get up to in private.”

She giggles, “Aww, come on, Liz; it’s not that bad! Hell, the two of us have had to spend most of the last two years hearing the intimate details of your sex life – and I do mean hearing; you know, the walls in our house are very thin.”

Oh God, she just had to bring that up, didn’t she? Granted, Max hasn’t been able to visit Cambridge that often since I’ve been at Harvard, but when he did manage to come up for a few days or the odd weekend, we definitely made up for lost time; and loudly by the sound of it.

“Hey, we’re talking about you here, not me,” I protest quickly.

“Alright, fine. I guess I’ve kind of been interested in him for a while, but I thought maybe you and he were…you know, so I kept my distance.” I nod in understanding. “Anyway, last week Jack and I got to talking, mainly about you and what you’d been going through lately and I realised that really did like him.”

“And?” I smile encouragingly.

“And well, we just kind of bonded over the kitchen table, I guess, and next thing I know, he’s kissing me and I’m kissing him back,” she sighs dreamily. “After that, we talked and he confessed that he’d liked me for ages, but didn’t think I’d want to settle down right now. I laughed and told him that truthfully, I’d been wanting a steady boyfriend for a while and the rest is history, I guess.”

“Wow, “I grin, “So you two are going steady now?”

“Well,” she hesitates. “Not exactly. We haven’t really discussed where this is going yet, but we do know that we’re both interested and that we’re just going to take things as they come.”

“Well, I’m happy for you both,” I assure her. “I’m glad you finally found each other.”

“Thanks, Liz, you’re the best,” she tells me and gives me a quick hug.

“So,” I start when she lets go of me. “Have you two done it, yet?”

“Um,” she looks down, embarrassed. “No, not yet. We want to wait a while, see if this lasts before we take that step.”

“Good for you,” I congratulate. It really sounds like this could be serious with Jack. Usually she doesn’t think twice about ‘taking the next step’ with a guy.

“Thanks,” she grins. “So, what were you and Max talking about earlier?”

“Well, ‘talking’ is not exactly the right word for it.” I roll my eyes and then elaborate, “We were having this big argument about…well, stuff…but after we found you guys down here, we managed to settle our differences.”

“Oh, okay,” she says, thankfully accepting my somewhat vague answer. “But, you two are alright?”

“Yeah, we’re fine. It’s gonna take us some time to get back on track, but I think we’re gonna make it through this,” I smile slightly.

“That’s great, Liz. I’m glad you’re getting better. You know, I miss my happy-go-lucky Lizzie.”

“Me, too,” I add with a sigh. “I miss her, too.”

And I hope she’ll be on her way back real soon, I add silently.

TBC…