Break Me (M/L Adult) COMPLETE Sept. 9

[maya]

Title: Break Me



Disclaimer: "The characters of "Roswell" belong to Jason Katims, Melinda Metz, WB, and UPN. They are not mine and no infringement is intended."
Pairings/Couples/Category: M/L
Rating: Adult
Summary: Liz Parker is a new girl with an attitude.

Special thanks to dreamer<3 for the wonderful banner. Thank you sweetie! MWAH!

Author's Note: This is different than my usual stuff. Enjoy! Looking forward to your responses.



Part One – Hit Him Where it Hurts


I’m the new girl, so of course everyone in class is staring at me.

The new girl, in a new school, in a new town called Roswell New Mexico.

The classes are different, the teachers are new but everything else is the same.

They are still staring at me. Have been all day and will for at least the rest of the week until some other new girl comes along or some piece of gossip that once again adds some importance to their completely unimportant lives. By now you’re asking me if I’ve gone through this before and my answer is a resounding yes.

It’s always the case. They don’t know me and that scares some of them, I could be a threat, competition, a bitch. It entices others, after all I might be a good lay or a girl who really likes to party. Since they don’t have the balls to approach me and find out for themselves they just make it up, decide who I am just like that and by the end of the day the impression they have of me will be almost impossible for me to change no matter what I do. Believe me, I know.

I decided to make it easy for them this time. I’m wearing a black leather skirt so short it just covers my ass and a low cut crop top that’s white with a black bra showing through. My dark hair is loose with a long streak of blue in the right side.

Mean, Bitch, Slut; will be the words used to describe me by the end of the day and I am willing to bet you one hundred bucks on that. I can already see the evidence of it. The girls are glaring at me wickedly, and I stare back just as hard. The boys have been undressing me with their eyes; it’s safe to say they want to eat me. If they only knew.

One in particular, this jock keeps turning around in his chair to stare at me. I’ve been fortunate enough to have three classes with him today and you know I’m being sarcastic when I say that. He’s a loser if he thinks I’d have anything to do with a guy who treats women like a piece of meat. You should have heard what the girls in gym class were saying about him. There is obviously some rule written that states that if you’re a quarterback your automatically gods gift to women. I have no idea just where this rule is written but it must exist because I have yet to meet one that does not conform to this stereotype.


-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-


The day is finally over and I am glad to get out of this madhouse. I hate being new. I hate school and even more than that I hate sitting still all day. If humans were really meant to sit behind a desk then why do we have sore backs and necks at the end of the day?

I hear someone call my name as I head out into the parking lot. Oh joy. It’s the asshole that stared at me in the last three classes.

“Do you need a lift home?” he asks dangling his car keys in front of me as if that would impress me.

I don’t make eye contact with him and I don’t answer him right away. Instead I take a cigarette out of my bag and light it, taking a quick drag. Nicotine. I feel better already.

“No thanks,” I reply and take another drag. “And I don’t give a shit what type of car you drive. That stuff doesn’t impress me.”

“Your one mean bitch and I like it,” he smiles.

I roll me eyes and head across the parking lot. I only live 10 blocks away and I plan to walk and enjoy the rest of my cigarette.

“Oh come on.” He follows me, pouting like a little puppy dog.

“Leave me alone.” God doesn’t this guy know when to get lost?

“Well how about we go out later tonight? I can show you a real good time.” He gives me a cocky grin.

He’s so full of himself and I wish I could show him that.

“I’m not interested Kyle,” I say as I continue to walk ahead of him. This is my last time being somewhat polite.

“You know my name.” He looks even cockier now, if that’s even possible. Shit. I shouldn’t have used the name. I only know it because a few people have warned me against him today.

I stop and turn around to face him. “Not interested.” I glare at him this time and stick out my tongue.

“Kinky.” He’s obviously noticed my tongue ring.

I just roll my eyes.

“You’ll change your mind. They always do” he says smugly.

That’s it. I’ll show him not to play with me.

“Come here Kyle,” I say seductively and motion for him to lean in closer.

He thinks he’s won me over and he leans in completely unaware. I immediately knee him in the balls and believe me when I say I knee him hard.

He winces and bends forward, grabbing his balls in agony. I smile.

And I should tell you, he was as hard as a rock. Typical symptom of a horny 16 year old boy who isn’t getting any. His reputation; its bullshit, he’s not getting any at all.

I leave him there bent over on the sidewalk with a smile on my face.

Ah, the male ego can be so easy to deface.


-_-_-_-_-_-_-



I’m working at the Crashdown restaurant, my parents own it. It is alien themed and I have to wear this itsy bitsy uniform that throws the women’s movement back like 10 years. I know your saying what a hypocrite I am, wasn’t what I wore to school today worse? It was but it was my choice to wear it, it wasn’t forced on me and that is the difference.

I recognize the guy sitting in my section. He was in my Biology class today. I roll my eyes before I approach him. What can’t this day be over already?

“Can I take your order?” I ask him. I’ll just take his order and then leave.

“I’ll have a burger, fries and a coke,” he says.

I’m about to walk away when he says, ”You’re the new girl, Liz, right?”

Damn. So much for a quick get away. I nod.

He extends his hand. “I’m Max Evans.”

“Hi Max.” I shake his hand. If I wasn’t in my parent’s restaurant working you know I wouldn’t be so nice.

“I heard you kneed Kyle in the balls today,” he says quietly and his cheeks redden a little. “Good for you, he deserves it.”

I smile. He did deserve it.

“I think every girl in the school has dreamed of it but you’re the first one to actually do it,” he continues.

I think this is the part where I’m supposed to gush or something, but I don’t.

When I don’t say anything he talks again. “So how was your first day?” he asks.

“Fine.” I shrug.

He clears his throat nervously. “We’re in Biology together. Our names are actually together on the board for lab partners. So maybe we can study together sometime.” His voice is hopeful.

“I actually work better on my own,” I say and his face falls.

“Look…I have to put your order in. I’m working,” I say and then I am gone.

He looked so dejected when I left but I don’t feel sorry for him at all.

I know you’re all wondering why I was so cold when he was so nice to me. And yes, I did notice how gorgeous he was, I’d have to be dead not to, especially those piercing amber eyes, and he was sweet and kind. The only way I can explain my reaction is like this. He really isn’t any different than any of the other guys I met today or in my last school either.

I actually prefer the Kyle Valenti’s of this world. Sure their assholes but they don’t hide it. What you see is what you get. It’s like a label on a bottle of poison; you know you are using it at ‘your own risk’. It’s the Max Evans of the world that burn you without a warning. They are sweet, charming, say and do all the right things. Then they take a bite of you and with it, everything you have to give.

Unlike most 16 years old girls out there, I don’t want a man. Yes you heard me right. I won’t be better off with one, I don’t think they will fix what is broken inside of me, I don’t need to be saved.

Like I said. I’m the new girl. I’m just a new pair of tits, a new piece of pussy to taste, but I won’t let them break me.

[maya]

Thanks all for the wonderful feedback. Here's the next part!

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Part 2 - There’s a gerbil in my biology lab and she’s blonde

So far, day two at school has been uneventful. Sure I had all of the usual stares and glares but that’s all water off a duck’s back to me. I can handle more than that. Just dare me. I’ll do anything and you’ll see.

In my last school, this girl named Jessica threw a fit when she caught her boyfriend flirting with me. The whole thing was ridiculous. I mean her boyfriend wasn’t even someone I’d give the time of day to and she was even worse. I mean she’s the one who couldn’t keep her man. Tell me how that was my fault? But she thought it was and even went so far as to paint the letters S-L-U-T across my locker. Well, after that I called war.

By the end of the next week she’d had her long hair cut off, her biology project tampered with and oh ya, her boyfriend found an anonymous tip about how she had spent the evening before when she was supposedly sick with her tongue down Tommy White’s throat. None of it was ever traced back to me. Crafty eh?

So back to my school day. The news of the tragedy that had befallen Kyle’s balls is all over the school. He’s been walking around, head down all day like a dog with its tail between its legs. That’s a fitting comparison isn’t it?

It’s hard to believe he’s the captain of the football team. Ah the school’s hierarchy is already beginning to crumble. Whatever will the cheerleaders and the in crowd do? I do good work don’t I?

It’s 3 pm, and I head for my last class of the day. The dreaded Bio class. Truth be told, its’ actually my favorite subject. There’s just something about the study of cells that makes me feel alive, you know?

The reason for my dread, it’s not the topic but the fact that I’m paired up with that Max guy and well, he was just a little to eager about it yesterday, if you ask me.

When I enter class, I’m a few minutes late and Mr. Seligman is already explaining the lab.

He stops his lecture to talk to me. “Tardy Miss parker?” he asks.

“Yup,” I say defiantly. All eyes are on me as I walk to the back of the class where Max is already sitting. I throw my back pack on my desk and take a seat beside him.

“Is that how you’re planning to start out at a new school?” Mr. Seligman asks.

I smirk in response. “I wasn’t planning on it but sometimes things just happen,” I shrug and then yawn. This conversation is just so boring.

He walks back to stand in front of me. “Since this is your first week and your not accustomed to the rules we’ve had in place the last 3 months I’m going to let that comment slide. But from now on be on time or you’ll get a detention slip,” he says and goes back to the explanation.

I see that blonde Bimbo, Theresa Harding, sitting a few feet up turn around and chuckle at me. Does she think that because she’s head cheerleader she’s one up on me?

Everyone calls her a gerbil behind her back, including half of the football team, but apparently she gives good head, that’s what keeps her popularity up. No pun intended.

I give her the finger. Her jaw widens in shock and her hand shoots up. “Mr. Seligman, Liz just gave me the finger.”

“Liz is that true?” he asks

“Of course not,” I say in mock horror.

Mr. Seligman looks at Tess than back at me as if trying to determine whose telling the truth.

I guess he can’t decide because he looks to Max. ‘Max,” he asks. “Is what Tess is saying true?”

Max looks at me, a glint of mischief in his eyes. “No, Sir. I didn’t see anything.”

Tess looks at Max in disbelief and hurt. I wonder if the gerbil is going to cry.

“Well Miss Harding. I’ll be seeing you after school.” Mr. Seligman puts a yellow slip on her desk. Tess slinks down in her chair with a sulk.

I take it no ones ever put her in her place before. What is it with these students? Why are they all so spineless?

It’s time to start the lab. I get up and gather the equipment. “So Hi Liz,” Max says when I return with the goods. Those are the first words we’ve exchanged today.

I can’t help but grin as his eyes make their way down my to my belly button ring. Keeping with yesterday’s tradition, my belly is once again exposed as are most of my thighs. But I’ve spiced things up a bit, today I’m dressed all in black.

See I told you Max isn’t any different than any other boy. He might act differently but they all think with the same organ and I’m not talking about the heart.

“Hi,” I reply. I mean I have to work with him, so I can at least be semi nice.

God I hope he doesn’t think I owe him anything because of before. I do wonder why he lied though, so I ask him.

He just shrugs. He’s being coy now. That’s supposed to be my thing. “I’ve never liked Tess,” he answers.

“Really?” I have to say I’m surprised. “Why not?”

He looks down at his pencil. ‘I used to date her,” he mumbles. Obviously not something he’s proud of.

“And?”

“She was a bitch.”

Why he ever went out with her is beyond me. I mean he did say never, which must mean he didn’t even like her before he dated her.

Wait, what am I thinking? The blonde hair, the overflowing tits. So what if she has no brain. So what if she’s a snob. It’s that other organ that does his thinking for him isn’t it?

As if he’s read my mind, he offers me an explanation. “I don’t care what other people think. I used to but not anymore. So I dumped her.”

Ah, so he’s no longer at the whim of the in crowd. I guess that’s supposed to make me think more of him but I don’t. I can think of half a dozen cheeky remarks but I’ve already had my fun for the day and he is my lab partner so instead I keep my mouth shut.

We get to work on the lab. Max tries to once again engage me in conversation. He brings up movies, music and even mundane things like the weather but I’m not biting. Nope, our early fishing expedition is over. I got the info I had coveted and I don’t give up answers as easily as he does. I just continue to focus on the task at hand.

Thirty minutes into class, we’re done, well ahead of time. I’ve done most of the work I might add.

“You. You’re really good at this.” He sounds surprised.

“Ya. So?”

“I just…” I think he realizes how insulting he sounds and looks down.

“You just what Max?” I wonder if he’ll put his foot any further down his mouth.

“So because of this,” I point to my bellybutton ring. His eyes travel to my navel and he swallows thickly, “and this,” I stick out my tongue, exposing my tongue ring, “And these,” I run my finger along the top of my cleavage, “You assume that I’m not smart.”

“What?” he jumps out of his seat, horrified. “It’s just that I….” he struggles with his words, his eyes still stuck on the swell of my breasts.

The bell rings. I run my index finger along the top of my bustier again as his eyes follow.

“See you later Max,” I say with a grin as I hop off of the chair, grab my book bag and am out the door.

I look back to see him still standing there, confusion etched on his face.

Oh, this year is going to be so much easier than I thought. And maybe, even a little fun too.

[maya]

Thanks everyone for your feedback. I love reading it! BTW, I am also posting part 7 of stow away in the next few minutes.

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Part 3 - Why does every girl think she needs a man?


“So what do you think of my highlights?” I turn around to see Maria Deluca smiling at me in her crash uniform. She’s just started her shift and I have to work with her, thank god I’m off in four hours. I really wish she didn’t work here but when my father bought the restaurant he decided to keep on the original staff. He’s way too noble if you ask me.

“They look great Maria,” I reply with a sarcasm she doesn’t pick up on, but I never expected her to. I roll my eyes when she turns her back to pick up an order.

If you ask me her hair looks ridiculous and I know why she’s doing it. She’s hoping to get the attention of the guy on the grill, his name is Michael Guerin. I’ve had to work three shifts with her this week and eighty percent of the words that came out of her mouth as I’m sure you can guess relate to him in some way, shape or form.

I may not know Maria well but I know her type. Obsessing over some guy the way a pre teen would a bubble gum band. He barely gives her the time of day but when he even looks in her direction that moment is permanently frozen in her brain so that later on she can live it over and over again. So pathetic, that she feels she needs him to be a fuller person, it is really sad.

I don’t know why she is even interested in him, all they’ve done is suck face a few times, her term not mine and believe me both times were because he had no one better to be with.

And I don’t blame him. She might as well be wearing an advertisement across her chest. Guys don’t like woman who are too available, the phrase ‘playing hard to get’ was invented for a reason.

“Did you see the way he snuck a glance at me when I picked up the order? Is he still looking at me?” she asks. See I told you, everything relates to him. I turn around. Michael is on the grill and he’s not looking even remotely in her direction.

“Nope.” I shake my head and her face falls. What? Should I have lied? So sorry to disappoint you but that’s not how I operate. Better to burst her bubble now, the longer this goes on, the worse it will hurt.

She takes on a defensive stance. “Well he was before. You just missed it,” she refutes.

I simply shrug. “Don’t ask if you don’t want an honest answer,” is my reply as I bring drinks to table 3.

The truth is that I don’t dislike Maria. I mean she’s been nothing but nice to me since I arrived here last week. She accepted me right away, didn’t partake in the school gossip or glares. In return, I’ve been as nice to her as I can stomach.

I just hate to see an attractive, intelligent woman go down this path. The path of needing a man to love her to feel complete.

Somehow, she has gotten the idea into her thick skull that him loving her is the magic ingredient for change. That when she looks in the mirror she’ll actually like the reflection she sees looking back.

Doesn’t she understand that it will never be that way? That her mind is only using this idea as a diversion? That only she can fix her emptiness?

How do I make her see that? She’s not alone in that delusion. I mean three quarters of teenage girls are affected.

“Maria, why do you care anyway? I mean why do you need a boyfriend?” I ask her when I return to the counter.

She just looks at me in horror. “What do you mean? Of course I need a boyfriend.”

There are so many things I want to say but I don’t want to hurt her. I may choose not to form attachments and to call others on their shit but I have no interest in hurting anyone, especially someone as sweet as Maria.

I know what pain feels like. I know it all too well.


********

Ah, break time. I head out the back door and light a cigarette, leaning back against the door.

I hear a throat clear and realize I’m not alone. I’m surprised to see its Michael out here an he’s taking a drag as well.

“I thought I was the only one,” I laugh.

He shakes his head. “I’d never survive the night in there without quite a few of these.”

I know the feeling. “Ya, especially a shift with Maria.”

“Really?” he asks. “Why, she’s not that bad.”

I give him a look of disbelief. Do I really have to explain this to him? “She never stops talking, and it’s a mile a minute,” I explain.

He grins. “I know.”
Wait a minute. That grin. It’s universal. I’ve seen it before. “You…you like her don’t you?” I ask.

He shrugs. “Not really. I mean there are things I like about her.”

Now it’s my turn to grin. “Like sucking face?”

“No, Liz more than that….”

“But?”

“But she wants me to talk about my feelings and well I’ve never been much of a conversationalist.”

“Me neither, Michael.” He’s the first person I’ve met here that I think could become a real friend.

“And,” he adds. “I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to change me. Who can take me like this, flaws and all. Is that too much to ask for?” he asks.

“No. Not at all.” Isn’t that we all want?

‘So. What do you think of Max?” he asks catching me off guard.

“Max?” I ask with surprise.

“You do know him right?”

“Yes, I do, I just didn’t peg him for a friend of yours.” They are complete opposites or so it appears.

Again he shrugs. I think that’s just part of Michael’s operandi “He’s a good friend, actually and I’m sure you’ve noticed he’s interested in you.”

I laugh. “In me or in my anatomy?” I ask thinking of the way his eyes perused my cleavage the other day.

“Max, he’s a good guy you know, if you give him a chance you’ll see that.”

I raise my eyebrows suspiciously.

“Question is will you give him that chance?” he asks.

That’s the million dollar question isn’t it?

I look down at my watch. “Breaks up,” I say as I throw what’s left of my cigarette on the ground and stomp it out
.
“Nice way to avoid Liz,” he laughs as he follows me inside.

So he’s caught me. What can I say? I can play the avoidance game if I want to. It’s my prerogative.


***********

An hour later, Maria and I are cleaning up and she invites me over to watch a video.

“Sorry Maria, I have plans.”

“Oh look what the cat dragged in,” she says when Pam Troy walks in and motions to me from the entrance. “Wait, you’re going out with her?” she asks.

I nod and then run into the back to change.

Moments later I emerge in tight leather pants and a red bustier.

“If my dad comes down, just tell him I went to bed, ok?” I ask. She still looks surprised at my choice of play date.

“Liz, what if he checks on you?”

“He won’t.” It’s not like I haven’t done this a million times in many other towns.

“Look about Pam Troy. There are things you should know,” she starts to explain.

I know everything there is to know about Pam Troy and that’s fine by me. I’m not planning to join her sisterhood. I’m just looking for some fun.

“You can tell me later,” I reply.

I grab my leather jacket and follow Pam out to her car, leaving a surprised Maria staring after us.

“There is gonna be lots of free booze at this party right?” I ask Pam when I get in the car. Tommy and Ralph are in the back seat. She promised me there would be.

“Oh ya. All you can drink,” Tommy says as he puts an arm around me. I proceed to elbow him in the ribs.

“Hey, Bitch. What did you do that for?” he asks.

“Keep your hands to yourself asshole,” I laugh as I pull another cigarettes out of my pocket.

“Any one got a light?

[maya]

See previous page for Thank you's.

Part 4 – The life of the party begrudgingly meets a white knight

The party is in full swing and I’m having a pretty good time. Of course a couple of beers and 3 shots of tequila pretty much assure that irrespective of the people and place. I mean I’ve been spending time with Pam Troy. If that’s not proof then I don’t know what is.

And before you ask, I can assure you that I am not drunk. I’ve only got a buzz on and I’m just getting started. I have a pretty high tolerance. Last New Years, I drank 14 shots of vodka in a short span of time. The room was spinning that’s for sure and I don’t remember much of what transpired but one of my gal pal’s told me I was still walking on my own when I left the party that night.

I’m sitting in the corner by myself, for the first time tonight and its nice. I mean most people don’t want to be alone but I’d rather that then some of the company I’ve had tonight. Some of Kyle’s buddies have tried to score with me. Like they had a fat chance. Kyle is here too but he’s been staying clear of me, knows the type of damage I am capable of and doesn’t want to be a victim of it again.

And since so many boys want into my pants, a few girls have tried to hang out with me tonight, hoping to have my leftovers. Well you know what girls, I don’t want any of them, they‘re all yours.

I hear someone say my name and I begrudgingly look up. I really hope I won’t have to leave this comfy couch.

I give him a smile and yes it’s genuine. I’ve been told he isn’t as bad as the rest but I haven’t made my final determination yet. “Max.”

He’s wearing a pair of light jeans and a striped button down shirt that’s loose. He has a beer in his hand. “Can I?” He motions to the empty cushion beside me.

I nod. He starts to sit down.

“It’s a free country.” I add with a smirk.

Ouch. From the look on his face that comment hurt. I’m sorry. Sometimes my mouth has a mind of its own and well I just couldn’t resist. He starts to get up again.

“I’m just joking,” I add and he visibly relaxes into the couch.

“So, Max, I didn’t think this type of thing was your scene.”

“I have been known to enjoy a good party Liz,” he says.

“Oh, Ok.”
“Well, I mean I probably wouldn’t have come tonight but Michael….”

“Told you I was here?” I ask.

He nods. “I just wanted to see you, get a chance to talk.”

“And why is that Max? Why exactly is talking to me so important?” I ask.

He fidgets with the bottom of his shirt. “Because I like you Liz.”

“Oh you like me?” I ask. “Well you don’t really know me that well Max, so what exactly is it about me you like? Is it really me or is it these?” I point to the swell of my breasts that can be seen busting out of this red top and of course his gaze follows and then he’s lost in that sexual haze just like the other day.

I can’t help but grin. I mean part of me does hate it but I also love having this power over men.

Suddenly he snaps out of it and gives me a glare. “No. No. You’re not being fair. This is what you did to me last time. Put words in my mouth. Made me seem like I’m some sort of pervert.”

“Aww I’m sorry. Did I do that?” I ask condescendingly. I pick up one of the many shot glasses on the table beside me and down it.

“Don’t patronize me,” he says and I have to admit I am surprised by his strength. ‘I’m glad to see he’s standing up for himself and by the smile on his faced I can see that he is to.

“If all I wanted was to get laid…” he explains.

“Then what? You’d have millions of woman willing to spread there legs for you. But you don’t want those millions of woman. You want me. Now, isn’t that sweet.” I finish for him. Oldest line in the book. Who hasn’t heard that one?

“Dammit, Liz,” he screams, knowing that I’ve done it again.

It isn’t so easy is it? Playing my game and winning every time.

I down the last shot that’s in my hand.

“Liz,” he asks with concern. “How many of those have you had?”

“It’s nothing I can’t handle,” I say. The room is spinning around me. I love that feeling. “In fact I need another one,” I say as I get up.

He gets up to follow me. “No, we’ve talked enough for one night Max.”

I’m bored with talking to him and I’m horny. I haven’t been laid since we moved to Roswell and that is just too long. I scan the room for someone safe.

“Hey Tommy,” I whisper in his ear. “It’s your lucky night.”

He grins, takes my hand and follows me into the back room, I close the door behind us.

“This damn thing is like a maze,” He says as he tries to get my bustier of.

“Leeeave it ohn”, I say and bring his hands to my pants instead. This is a wham bam, not a touch me everywhere sort of thing.

Why are my words coming out like that? I haven’t had much to drink.


***************


It’s dark, even when I open my eyes. Who turned the light off and why is the floor so cold.

Where am I, why is everything so hazy?

I can hear voices but I don’t have the energy to open my eyes. “How long has she been like that?”

“A while so if you want a piece of her you better take it quick.”

“Ok, who’s going to go first?”

“I will.”

“Ok. Hurry up, I’ll guard the door.”

The party. That’s right. I’m at a party.

Oh no, If they think this is some sort of fuck fest, they have another thing coming. I try to get up but my legs feel so heavy. Why are they so heavy?

I’m able to life my upper body up only for it to be pinned down again. “No-o-o-o-,” I scream.

“Hurry up, she’s coming to,” someone yells.

“Liz, Liz,” I can hear someone yelling my name through the door.

“In here, help me. Help me,” I yell as loud as I can.

There’s a commotion, I can hear it. Punches being thrown, yelling, swearing.

And then he comes to me and puts his coat around me. “Max,” I whisper as he wraps my arms around his neck. He picks me up and carriers me out the door through the main room of the party. As we go out I see them; Paul, Trevor and Chris. All of Kyle’s friends that had made a play for me earlier.

We go outside into the fresh air. Max doesn’t stop walking until we reach his jeep. He puts me in the passenger side and buckles me in.

He doesn’t ask me why I drank so much or what happened? In fact he doesn’t’ talk to me at all. Just drives, in silence, his eyes focused on the road.

We pull up in front of the crash down and he turns to look at me. Now he lets the concern show on his face. “Are you ok?” he asks.

I nod. He reaches forward and pushes a stray hair that has fallen in my face away. I don’t know why but I let him.

He helps me out of the car. I want to go by myself but my legs are wobbly and I need his help.

“No,” I say when we head for the Crashdown door. I point to the balcony. “My parents don’t know I went out,” I explain.

Somehow he helps me maneuver the ladder. He stays behind me in case I fall.

He then helps me through the window, following behind me.

I flop down on the bed, actually happy to be home.

He sits down on the side of the bed. “Liz, did they?” he asks bringing up the unspoken.

I shake my head. “You came on time.”

“Good.”

“Do you think they spiked your drink?” he asks.

I shake my head. “My drinks were never unattended, Max. I’m not that stupid.” That’s rule number one when you have to look after yourself.

“Ok well, I’ll just..” he points to the window.

I nod.

“Good night Liz,” he says as he climbs out the window.

“Goodnight Max.”

It must be my new medication. With the old one the doctor had warned me that alcohol would have a greater effect on me but it never did. It was discontinued a few weeks ago and I’ve been started on this new stuff. Maybe that’s what it is.

I’ll have to check it tomorrow. Right now I’m just too tired.


-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_


The next day at school doesn’t start out as badly as I thought it would. No one really knows what happened last night and of course the attempted rapists have no interest in admitting to what they almost did.

Max approaches me when I’m getting my books from my locker. I wondered what he’d be like around me today. I guess I’m about to find out.

“Hey Liz, how are you feeling?” he asks, leaning up against the locker next to me.

“Hungover. You?”

He laughs. “No. I only had one beer,” he shrugs. ‘I’ve been worried about you, though.”

“Save your energy,” I say as I get the rest of my books and close my locker. ‘And I don’t ever want to talk about last night again.”

“Sure, I understand,” he says. ‘Here let me carry these.” He reaches for my books.

I jerk them back. “I can carry my own.”

“Really, I don’t mind,” he argues.

“Well I do.” I raise my voice.

“Liz, I…I only want to help you. Tell me what I’m doing wrong. I…”

I glare at him. “What do you want? So you saved me last night? So fucking what? You want a thank you? Thank you Max.”
His face falls.

“Or maybe that’s not enough? What do you want a medal? Well you know what? I would have been fine if you hadn’t shown up.” This is why you should never let someone help you, they always want something from you in return.

The look on his face, it is as if his heart is broken.

People have stopped in the hall to watch the scene. “Just get out of here Max,” I whisper, trying not to embarrass him more.

He walks away with his head down.

I know your about to read me the riot act. He was a hero but instead of congratulations, I yelled at him, made the man who saved me from three potential rapists last night feel small. And yes I do feel, a twinge of regret , I shouldn’t have raised my voice, I should have chosen my words more carefully but if I had done those things would he have gotten the message?

I look after myself and answer to know one. It’s just not a luxury I can afford.

With my new medication I can’t drink as much, that’s what I learned last night. I will be more careful next time. Much more careful and I won’t need anyone’s help.

[maya]

Disclaimer: The song used is Something I can Never Have by nine inch nails.


Part 5- I have a little secret but please don’t tell

It’s Saturday morning and I’m busy moving some boxes full of my crap up to my room. They’ve been sitting downstairs for a few weeks, exactly where the movers left them. I wasn’t planning to ever move them but I am pretty sure they hold my missing CD’s and I just can’t live without my music.

I don’t know why the movers couldn’t do this. I guess dad would have had to pay them more. He’s always been a penny pincher and I have no idea why. I mean, we are not swimming in money but we aren’t poor either. If you want proof, go check out the motorbike dad bought himself for his 40th birthday. It’s sitting out back.

Michael came by an hour before his shift and of course, seeing a damsel lifting a box almost as high as she was, he offered to lend a hand. Those were his words not mine and they made me laugh. I mean look at me, clad in black leather, I’m sure the word ‘damsel’ is not the word that comes to mind.

“Oh you heard about that?” I ask Michael as we carry a large box up the stairs together. Yes, he brought up the Max incident. I wondered how long it would take him. Two minutes and thirty-nine seconds, according to my watch. I guessed fewer than two, but I wasn’t that off.

He gives me a look of disbelief. “Who hasn’t? You yelled at him in front of half the school.”

I did didn’t I, I ask myself as an image of Max, his shoulders slumped, head towards the floor as he walked away, pops into my mind.

It’s a very good point but I don’t like the direction this conversation is going. So far Michael is the realest person I’ve met in Roswell and I don’t want to blow that. “He’s your best friend. Maybe we shouldn’t talk about it.”

His look tells me that he won’t let me off the hook that easily. He grins and looks me straight in the eyes, something that few people do. “Maybe that’s why we should.”

Oh god. Does this mean a lecture’s coming? Will he drone on about what a good guy Max is and what a bad girl I am?

A million quick quips flow into my mind but don’t make it out of my mouth. For some reason, I just can’t turn the attitude on around Michael, or at least not to the degree I can with others.

He’s staring at me as if waiting for some sort of explanation or apology but one never comes. I keep unpacking. He keeps staring.
I finally stop my rummaging and plop down on my back on my bed. He’s not going to leave until we have this out, of that I am one hundred friggin percent sure.

“Alright, let’s get this over with, Michael.”

He smiles, knowing he’s won and takes a seat on my window sill. “He didn’t deserve to be treated this way.” Oh I knew he’s start with that.

“I didn’t ask him to hang off me at that party all night. I also didn’t ask me to rescue me,” I argue.

Michael walks over and takes a seat beside me. “Max, dated Tess and well it turned out she was only with him for how it looked.”

“He told me as much,” I say thinking back to that day in the lab. “So he found out she wasn’t real. Isn’t that what happens with most teenage romances?” I ask, showing no sympathy.

He gives me a disapproving glance. “I call it like it is Michael, you know that. What exactly did you expect?” I ask.

“I know that Liz but you don’t get….what I’m trying to say is that he’s not Kyle or Tommy or any of those guys. She hurt him and it took him a long time to get over it. I mean he’s not some pussy, but he wants…he’s looking for something real.”

“Like you do?” I ask.

He nods.

“So what happened then?”

“He got major slack for dumping her from everyone. He quit Basketball, changed who he ate lunch with, the whole nine yards.”

I nod my head. It’s all starting to make sense now. “That’s when you became friends?”

”No. We’ve known each other a long time. Even when he was popular Max was never the type to shun people who weren’t in his crowd. But yes we did become closer then.”

What he says next throws me off. “He likes you Liz.”

“Still?” This doesn’t make any sense.

“There’s something in you Liz. I mean, do you think we’d have the banter going that we do if there wasn’t?”

I shrug. I’m still caught up in the Max still liking me thing. There’s just no way he could feel that way. “He knows I slept with Tommy that night, right?” I ask. I thought the idea of it would disgust him, I mean that was why I did it.

Michael nods. “You weren’t together. I mean he doesn’t really get how you can just do that…”

“Do what?” I ask getting up off the bed.

He looks at me sheepishly. “You know, just give yourself to anyone.”

I punch him in the arm. “First of all this is my body. That means it’s no ones business but mine and secondly I didn’t just give my body to anyone!” I scream. He’s being a judgmental ass.

“Didn’t you?” he asks standing up to meet me. “Sorry Liz, just calling it as I see it.”

He is unbelievable. “Come up with your own lines, Michael,” I give him my best glare. I try to hold it, to stay mad but it is impossible and before you know it I’m in a fit of giggles and Michael starts to laugh too.

When we both stop he looks at me seriously. “Look Liz. We don’t know each other well but if there’s anything you ever want to talk about…” he says.

God. Why does everyone I meet assume I have something to talk about. “And then you’ll run back to Max with it, is that it?” Is that what this is all about? Find a tidbit, then take it back to Max.

He looks at me through disappointed eyes. “I thought you knew me better than that.”

I don’t respond. He doesn’t expect me too. He knows I have a problem with trust. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out. But he doesn’t push me like most people would.

“Well I’m off for a smoke and then I start my shift,” he says as he heads towards the door.

“Michael, I’m going over to Maria’s tonight.” Just thought I’d dangle that carrot in front of his eyes.

He turns around. ‘Really?” he asks.

“Yup.”

“I’m glad you’re giving her a chance.”

“Not that you need it but I’ll put in a good word for you.”
He smirks and then heads downstairs.


_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_



After Michael leaves I sit in my room and digest our conversation. It’s better this way. After the way I treated Max, I don’t deserve him anyway. Then why do I feel tears starting?

I pace around my room. The things around me start to get foggy. I can see them but it’s as if they are far away. I start to wonder if I’m really here. I feel alone, empty and most of all scared. Why is this happening to me?

I never asked for any of this, for him to like me, to play my knight in shining armor. He brought all of this on himself.

I walk over to my CD player and put on the most depressing song I can find.

I still recall the taste of your tears.
Echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears.

There was a time I played this song over and over and over again. The words are still so real to me, they hit me like air on an open wound and the tears start to fall. The room seems even cloudier now and the song feeds my anger more.

My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore.
Scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore

My skin is crawling. I want out of it. Anger coarses through my veins. Damn him for making me feel this pain.

Come on tell me.
You make this all go away.
You make this all go away.
I'm down to just one thing.
And I'm starting to scare myself.

I feel the urge to destroy everything in this room. I’m just so angry. I need to bring it all down, every single object, color, thing, this whole space.

You make this all go way.
You make this all go way.
I just want something.
I just want something I can never have

I glance around the room, desperate to find a place to start. I start small. The painting on the wall beside my closet. Mom painted it for me. I remember, she took this lame painting class and it was the fist thing she did, lilies in a tall clear vase. It meant so much to her and she was so proud.

I smash it with my fist. The thin glass that surrounds it breaks and it moves side to side as it comes loose form the peg it was hung on and crashes to the floor.

You always were the one to show me how
Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now.

My hand stings slightly and I like the feel of it. It’s almost as if it’s not real. I’m not real.

This thing is slowly taking me apart.
Grey would be the color if I had a heart.
Come on tell me

The maroon drapes are next. They were here when we moved in, apparently hand made from the previous tenants. I rip them down with such veracity that I tumble to the ground with them. I then rip them into strands.

In this place it seems like such a shame.
Though it all looks different now,
I know it's still the same

I lay here amongst the stand of blinds on the cold hardwood floor. It’s not enough, it just isn’t, nothing ever is, because it’s me that I’ve had enough of, me, the one thing I can’t escape.

Everywhere I look you're all I see.
Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be.

I don’t want to feel this way anymore. Make it stop. Just give me 5 minutes away from myself. I scream but my request isn’t answered.

I just want something.
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have

I can still feel me; my bare feet touching the cold hard floor, the unrest that has settled deep in my belly, the taste of salt tears running down my face, the air moving in and out of my chest.

I just want something.
I just want something I can never have
I just want something I can never have

I don’t know how long I lay here, the song is on repeat and I can’t thing about things like time. I’m just consumed with these things that I don’t want to feel inside.

Eventually the storm inside me dies down, the anger subsides.

I leave the room and come back with a garbage pail and a broom. I sweep up the glass and dispose of the strips of what used to be my drapes.

I go into the bathroom to change into my uniform, my shift starts in 5 minutes. That’s when I notice the cut on my hand. It’s not that deep but bleeding a far bit. I better clean it up.


_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-


I’m on my way downstairs ready to start my shift in the Crashdown when I hear them talking.

“Do you really think things are going better here?”

“Yes Nancy, I do.”

She just shakes her head. “The other moves didn’t change things. What makes you think this will?”

“Things aren’t that bad. She always keeps her grades up.” That’s my father, the eternal optimist.

“You’re measuring whether she’s ok by her grades? God Jeff, I can tell its staring again. She wasn’t in her room 2 nights ago when I checked.”

“She’s 17 years old. So she snuck out, probably went to a party. I think we’d have more to worry about if she wasn’t sneaking out.”

“You’re in Denial. I think we need to do something before things spiral out of control again”

Their conversation is stopped short by the sound of my locker door slamming shut.

Dad turns around, surprised to see me. “Liz,” he says softly. “We were just talking about how much we like it here in Roswell.”

I roll my eyes. Ya, right they were.

“How are you finding it?” he asks. “That other waitress Maria, seems like she’d be a great friend for you.”

I just roll my eyes again and brush past him into the café to start my shift.

Don’t you just love it when people talk about you behind your back? Make decisions that affect your life when they don’t even understand you?

Do they think I’m so stupid that I don’t hear all the conversations they have about me over the last few years? God it’s like they don’t even see me, instead they see straight through me. I wish that I could do the same.

“So Liz, are we still on for ice cream and movies tonight?” Maria asks.

I don’t really want to spend the night with Maria but when the alternative is a night at home with the grumpy pair I just saw in the back room, it doesn’t sound too bad.

“BTW, I sort of suggested to Michael, that he and Max come by later. Do you mind?”

Max. She’s inviting Max? Of course she is. She wants someone to keep me occupied while she spends time with Michael. Predictable.

“Of course not,” I say with a laugh as I head to one of my tables. This is my chance to show Max I’m not interested. I’ll be able to get him off my tail once and for all.

After my shift ends I run upstairs to quickly change to find the parental units standing in my room.

“What happened to your drapes?” she asks.

“I decided to redecorate, Nancy,” I glare at her.

“Don’t talk to her that way,” Dad says.

‘Why not dad?”

“She’s worried about you,” he explains.

“We’ll, she’s your wife. It’s your job to calm her down, not mine.”

“What happened to the picture your mother painted for you? I though you had it up there?” he asks.

“I got sick of it.” I shrug and my father turns ghastly pale.
“But that’s one of the few things you have left of her…..” Nancy responds.

“Oh I thought you’d be happy Nancy. You won’t have to compete with her ghost anymore. I can put something of yours up there. Oh wait. You don’t paint. In fact you have no artistic talent. Too bad.”

‘Liz,” my father yells dumbfounded.

I grab a change of clothes and throw them into my knapsack.

“Where are you going?” he asks.

“Maria’s. Don’t wait up.” I’ll change when I get there. I just want to get out of here.

They exchange knowing glances. God I hate that. Why can’t they just say what they are both thinking out loud? It’s about my little secret. It’s rearing its ugly head again.

So sorry, you two. It was never gone to begin with. If you weren’t so busy making decisions without talking to me, if you would look at me instead of looking through me, you’d already know that.

[maya]

Feedback is in previous post

Part 6 Where is the Duct Tape When you Need it?


“So what exactly did you say to Michael?” Maria asks. She and I are spending some girl time together before the guys arrive at 8 o’clock.

“Oh this color is perfect for you,” she adds. You probably won’t believe it but I’m actually letting her paint my toes. Like Michael said, I’m giving her a chance.

I don’t know if you noticed, but I haven’t received any phone calls from back home since we moved to Roswell. There is a reason for that. I don’t have any friends. I mean I’ve had them but the friendship always seems to end for one reason or another with a really big fight and on really bad terms.

“What do you mean? About what?” I ask. I have no clue what she’s referring to.

“I’ve asked him over millions of times. This is the only time he’s ever said yes.” She eyes me suspiciously. “And I think you have something to do with it.”

Hmmph. That’s a laugh. All I’ve said about her is that she’s annoying, a chatter box and way to self obsessed and I just can’t imagine any of those things would send Michael in her direction.

“So what do you think I should wear?” she asks after my feet are done. “Let’s look through my closet while your feet dry.”

I groan and walk over to her closet, careful not to bump my toes on anything.

Maria sticks her head inside her closet and comes out with a handful of things which she tosses at me, ever the dramatist. “Ok. I could go with something tried and true.” She holds up a jean skirt and funky top. “Or I just got these new jeans yesterday,” she says holding them up for me to see. “Or I could go with…”

Before Maria can finish I cut her off. “Maria, just wear what you have on.”

She looks down at her overalls. “But this is just stuff I lounge in. It’s nothing special.”

“It’s perfect,” I say thinking back to the conversation I had with Michael the other day. “He just wants you to be yourself.”

A few minutes later we are eating ice cream, watching TV and yes Maria is still talking about Michael. “I mean what should I say to him, Liz?” she asks.

She’s driving me crazy. I’ve been trying to bite my tongue. But it is just not working. I sigh. “Whatever you want to.”

She looks at me with disdain. “Liz. That’s just not helpful.”

Is she completely immune to my lack of interest in this conversation? Does she know she’s so boring I’m starting to drown here? Maybe she does and she doesn’t care, maybe…“Is that the only reason you invited me here? Because you wanted help with Michael?’ I ask.

Her mouth falls open and she looks at me as if I have just shocked the very core of her world. Hasn’t she ever been called on her crap before?

Before Maria can answer, the doorbell rings, signaling the guys arrival. She runs for the door, desperately trying to avert the question but she’s not going to get away that easily.

*******

15 minutes after the guys arrive Maria suggests a change in plans. It’s actually much more of a decision than a suggestion. “Liz, why don’t you and Max go watch the movie in the living room.”

“Aren’t you and Michael going to watch?” I ask.

“Well I just realized that I’ve already seen it and I was actually hoping Michael and I would go for a walk,” she explains.

Unbelievable. She’s pairing us off. I bet this was her plan all along. “Are you guys ok with this?” I ask

“Sounds ok with me,” Max replies.

“Sure,” Michael shrugs.

Maria beams.

I guess I’m the only one who isn’t happy. In fact I am really, really unhappy.

“Maria,” I say grabbing her arm. “We need to talk.” I pull her into her kitchen.

It’s exactly what I said earlier. She’s using me for some alone time with Michael. I don’t put up with shit like this.

“I don’t appreciate this at all,” I say through gritted teeth.

“What? You don’t want to be with Max?” she asks with surprise.

She’s completely missing the point here so I set the record straight.

“You manipulated this whole evening. Making me believe you were interested in being my friend. Knowing Michael and I were getting close and that he was trying to set Max and I up. You knew he’s come with Max if I was here.”

She doesn’t deny it. At least she’s honest but that still doesn’t score her any points with me.

“You’re a selfish, stuck up bitch. No wonder Michael doesn’t like you!” I lash out at her.

I see a tear roll down her face. “He said that?” she asks.

Her voice is small and fragile but that doesn’t stop me from digging the dagger deeper.

I nod. “He also thinks you talk too much and that you’re fake.”

I can almost feel the twist in her gut. Good, she deserves it.

Michael and Max must have heard the yelling because they are now standing at the kitchen entrance looking at us. Michael immediately makes his way to Maria and surprising me, puts his arms around her allowing her to cry on his shoulder.

I let out a snort. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised he’s comforting her. After all, he probably plans on getting laid later. Men are so fucking predictable. Now, I know where his loyalties lay.

“I’m outta her,” I say as I begin to walk away.

Then I hear Maria speaking to Michael. “I don’t get it. How can she just flip like that…she can be so nice…then she’s such a Bitch.”

As if I haven’t heard that before.

“Maria. Don’t. I think there’s something wrong with her.” That’s Michael’s voice.

I barge back into the kitchen. “Something wrong with me? I’ll tell you what’s wrong with me. Having friends like you!” I scream. When Michael looks surprised I add, “Ya Michael, that includes you too!”

I turn and head out once again.

Maria, feeling bolder takes a step forward and yells out. “Your not completely right you know. I’ve asked you over about 10 times since school started,” she yells but I don’t turn back. Instead I slam the door behind me and head out into the street.

********

I make my way to the park and take a seat on the bench. Anger courses through me with such intensity it’s hard for me to breathe.

I hear a voice say my name and I look behind me to see Max standing there, hands in his pockets, as if he doesn’t know what to say or do.

I want to yell at him but I’ too tired, besides it’s not his fault we got set up. “Just go back, Max.”

He shakes his head. “I’m too worried about you,” he replies and takes a seat beside me.

“God I can’t believe she used me like that and just expected me to spend the evening with you.”

Max looks hurt by my words. “Would that really have been so horrible?” he asks,

I look at him and my own heart hurts. “No. Of course not. It’s not that. “It’s just that I don’t like being used.”

“You’ve been used a lot then?” he deduces.

“We are so not having this conversation.” When it comes to my past I remain as silent as the crypt.

“My first instincts were that Maria was a loser. I should have stuck to that opinion,” I explain.

“She’s not that bad Liz.”

“God, all she does is obsess over Michael and try to make him like her.”

“That pretty much defines being a teenager doesn’t it? It’s pretty tough Liz, cut her some slack.”

I roll my eyes. He sounds more like a guidance counselor than a 17 year old boy. “With me it’s one strike and your out. I don’t as you put it cut anyone slack.”

“You’ll end up alone then cause nobody is perfect all the time.”

I shrug. “I’m used to being alone. In fact I like it.”

“That’s what my sister used to say,” he says.

“And what does she say now?” I ask sarcastically. What other pearl of wisdom does he plan to give me?

He looks down and fiddles with his hands. “Lot’s of things. Mostly that she hates me and mom and dad.”

Wow. I so wasn’t expecting that. “Really? Does she go to our school?” I ask because I don’t remember seeing another Evans there.

He shakes his head. “She’s in a group home.”

“Oh.” Something else I really wasn’t expecting. I don’t know what else to say.

He takes a deep breathe and then explains. “We were both adopted when we were 6 years old. Same orphanage but different parents. The Evans wanted a boy and a girl. Anyway, she had a harder time then me, her childhood had been pretty bad and despite our adoptive parents best efforts she just got worse and worse. She’s schizophrenic, highly medicated, very low functioning. I’m sure you get the picture.”

“God, I’m so sorry Max.”

“It’s not your fault.”

“I know, but I got so mad and I didn’t realize…” God I wish I had duct taped my mouth shut an hour ago.

“It’s ok. Not many people know about it, but I’m glad you do,” he takes my hand. “I love my sister. The things her real father did to her …just make me shudder…..the fact that she even survived…she’s so much stronger than she’ll ever know.”

We sit there for minute after minute in silence.

“So that’s what this thing is between us then…..”

He gives me a puzzled look. “What?”

“You don’t want me to end up like your sister.” So much for the idea of him liking me. Michael was so off base with that.

“No. no. Well, yes, of course I don’t want you to end up like her and I’d do anything to help you but…..there’s more to it than that…..”

“And just what might that more be?” I ask.

“Liz, you know I like you….well more than like you actually….and I…..”

Suddenly he pulls me towards him and I feel warm arms enveloping me. His face moves close to mine, his breathe is warm on my cheek. My heart races.

Then he closes in and our lips meet, tentatively at first, softly. The pressure increases ever so slightly; not too much, not too little, just right. His tongue lightly traces my bottom lip. I open my mouth ever so slightly allowing him in. His taste envelopes me as the kiss intensifies and then he’s pulling away, breathing rapidly, resting his forehead against mine as I listen to his heart beat.

Suddenly I feel safe again, the emptiness inside me filled. I know it’s only temporary but it is still nice all the same.

“Your damn lucky to be still standing,” I say with a laugh.

“How do you figure that?”

“I hit Kyle in the balls for attempting to do what you just did.”

He smirks and kisses me again. When we break for air he whispers three words. “I’m not Kyle.”

“I know.”

[maya]

Part 7 – I have a part time father and it sucks big time

After the kiss, Max walks me home, hand and hand. He points out various Roswell land marks and we stop a few times to gaze up at the stars, they seem more pronounced here than anywhere else I’ve ever lived.

When we get to the back of the restaurant, he follows up the ladder behind me, walking me right to my window. “Wow, that’s unique,” I say, “taking a girl right to her window.”

He laughs at that comment and so do I, and for a minute I’ve forgotten about everything except this moment. I’m just a girl who had a date with a guy, albeit unconventional and unplanned, and I feel light hearted and happy.

When our laughter dies down, his features take on a more serious tone. Then he’s walking towards me, cupping the back of my head with his right hand. His lips capture mine passionately and I revel in the taste and feel of him as his tongue makes it way into my mouth and begins to explore, while his other hand runs through my hair.

When the kiss ends, he rubs his nose gently against mine, a very intimate gesture and then steps back. “I’ll see you in school Monday,” he says. It’s not a question, but a statement. He seems more confident now then the guy that was in Bio lab with me just a few short days ago.

Before I can answer, he disappears down the ladder at lightning speed. You let a guy kiss you and he thinks he masters the world. I wish my ego was as easy to boost.

I walk into my room with a smile, the kiss still lingering with me. It was soft yet raw, fantastical yet real, it stopped my mind, swept me off my feet but it was just a kiss. It changes it nothing. I’m still who I am with all this baggage and the results of succumbing to his charms would be disastrous. I need to remember that.

I need to remember that but I don’t. I twirl around my room, delirious like a school girl. He said he likes me, he more than likes me.

Sean said he loved me.

My first boyfriend. Ok, I know you’re shocked, but I think your confusing sex with boyfriends. Sure I’ve fucked lots of guys but I’ve only ever had one boyfriend. I guess you can say I was a fast learner.

Did I tell you that he’s getting married? He’s a few years older than me, in this fancy rock band and he’s getting married. He’s happy. Why does he get to be so fucking happy? Where is the justice in this world?

Sean said he loved me. He doesn’t anymore and I don’t know if he ever did.
I can’t take that chance again. The world is a scary place. You have to minimize the risks.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_


Sunday’s shift is horrible, all because of the letter ‘M’ or should I say 2 letter ‘M’s, which stand for Maria and Michael. Yup, you guessed it; they are both working the same shift as me. Lucky me.

Maria flat out ignores me. At one point, one of my customers asks her to tell their waitress they need a coke refill. “Who is your waitress?” she asks. Ah, Duh, I am the only other one here.

“Liz,” the customer answers.

She shrugs in response. “Sorry, I don’t know anyone by that name.” And with that she turns away, leaving a trail of confusion behind her. I’ve got to admit she has some spunk.

“Clever,” I say to her once we are both behind the counter. “But Juvenille.”

She turns around in a snit. “Oh, your one to talk,” she says with a laugh, trying to pretend I haven’t hurt her, but I know better. I have the ability to hurt anyone I choose.

“Look Maria, we both work here. We can’t let the personal stuff get in the way while we are on the clock.” One of us has to be an adult here and it definitely won’t be Maria, she’s barely mastered the behavior of a 13 year old.

“Sorry Liz. I don’t work that way. Unlike you I can’t just shut off my feelings.”

“Ya, well what do you call pretending to be my friend, so you can get his attention,” I say pointing to Michael who is flipping a beef patty on the grill. Ok, I know I said I wouldn’t get personal but she started it. I can’t let her get the last word.

Maria throws the cloth in her hand into the sink with great force. “God, Liz. I don’t get you. Half the girls at school are calling you a hoe but not me….I was nice to you. I wanted to be your friend.”

With friends like her, who needs enemies? “Last I heard the definition of a friend didn’t include using said friend to get a boyfriend.”

“Your still stuck on that?” she asks in disgust. “You know, that’s not the case. I…”

“No, Maria, the only thing I know is that your hair color isn’t real…just like the rest of you.” I stick out my tongue.

Maria’s hand is in the air, as if she’s going to slap me. Oh she wouldn’t dare. “You Bitch,” she says advancing towards me.

Michael comes out from behind the grill. He hasn’t spoken to me since last night’s colorful events. “Is this going to turn into a cat fight?” he asks, holding Maria back from me.

I glare at him as Maria continues to struggle against him. “You’re wasting your efforts. I can take this Bitch with my eyes closed. I mean you’re barely holding onto her and she can’t break free.” I start to laugh.

Michael lets her go. “I don’t doubt it,” he says. Then he looks to the grill, where a patty is on fire. “Shit!” He runs to salvage what he can.

Maria stands there in defeat, smoothing out her waitress uniform and fixing her hair. “What happened to you, Liz?” there’s that famous questions again. Did I mention how much I hate it?

I get in the last word before my order is up. “Maybe you should ask yourself that question.”


***********

I take my smoke break when Michael takes his. Ok, I’m not planning to grovel or anything but I do want to assess the damage and see if I can work things out. He’s a cool guy and fun to hang out with. A girl needs at least one person in her life like that, doesn’t she?

I don’t know what to expect when I head out the back door because he and Maria have been pretty chummy all shift, their banter has even bordered on flirting a few times. I wonder what happened between them after I left? Did he actually get some from her or end up flogging his own log when he got home? I’d ask but I somehow doubt he’d tell me.

“Hey.” I say.

“Hey.” He responds which is a good sign but doesn’t make eye contact. Ok, so I have my work cut out for me.

“Got a light?” I actually have one in my pocket but again, I’m trying to get the conversation started.

He lights my cigarette for me and then we stand in silence. Normally, I like silence with Michael, of course that’s when I know he’s not mad at me. I don’t like it now. “You mad at me?” I ask.

“What do you think?” he asks cocking an eyebrow in disbelief at me.

“I should have known you’d take her side.” Ok, I know I’m acting like a child.

He looks disappointed as he finally turns to look at me. “It’s not about sides. You said some really nasty things.”

I laugh and give him a light punch in the arm. “What happened to Maria talks too much, she tries to hard to get me to like her and the rest of your Maria whining? Did all that disappear because Mr. Penis needed some attention?” I pout. “Well I could suck it for you right now if you want,” I purr seductively.

Michael takes a step away from me, looking very uncomfortable. I bet he has a boner now, but that damn cooks apron he has on makes it too difficult for me to tell. “Liz,” he says with a sigh, clearly not happy with my remark, “Don’t make this worse.”

Damn. I’m really not doing to well with this whole making up thing. Of course I’ve never really cared about what people think of me, so what need would there be to apologize for anything?

He puts out his cigarette, ready to go back inside. “Liz, I know there’s something going on with you and if you ever need to talk about it, I will be here but….”

Why is there always a but? Why can’t anything be unconditional with people? “But, what?” I ask.

“If all you’re going to do is talk shit like this, you can count me out cause I just won’t take it.” With that he walks past me into the restaurant, leaving me outside alone.

Michael is on amazing guy. People usually take one of two stances when it comes to me; get mad or suck up, he did neither. He laid out his rules and they are pretty damned reasonable, aren’t they? Unfortunately reasonable has never been part of my repertoire.


-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-


After my shift I go to my room and change and then hear a knock on the door. It’s dad. He comes in and sits on the side of the bed, always what he does when he has something serious to say. Oh boy. I take a deep breathe and sit beside him.

He cuts right to the chase. He’s always been like that, after all he’s a very busy man. “Lizzie, I can’t make your parent teacher interview on Wednesday. It’s Nancy’s Birthday and I’m planning to take her out for dinner.”

“Oh.” I know, its just parent teacher interviews, so you don’t think I should care. But I do. In fact, I really do.

He pats me on the head as if I’m a dog. “Look, you’ve only been attending the school for a few weeks, what could they possibly say? Your grades are good. Things are going well.”

“Just leave me with some food and water and make sure I’ve had my walk,” I reply. I love saracasm.

He looks at me perplexed, not getting my dog reference. I thought it was cute.

“It’s just, it’s her Birthday, you get it, right, Lizzie?”

Yes, Birthday’s with Nancy are a huge thing. She goes all out. Missing a birthday is a sacrilege with her and it must be celebrated on the exact day of your birth, not the day before or after. I call it the Birthday quirk.

Some things never change.

“Who do you love more, daddy?” I once asked my father, when I was 9 years old, to which he responded, “I love you both differently. She’ my wife, you’re my child.”

You see, my father was a part time dad before my mother died. I lived with mom and he lived with Nancy in another state. I flew to visit dad and Nancy every 6 weeks. Then mom died, 3 years ago, and I came to live with him full time.

It was a big change and yet exactly the same. My shrink said “Mr. Parker, Liz needs more than just a part time Dad.” He didn’t get that. “She’s with us full time right now,” he explained. There’s a difference between physical presence and emotional Dad, but he can’t see it, he’s too busy trying to appease his wife. He tried to explain this to me many times.

At 15 it was, “You understand, it is a fine line for me Lizzie. When she married me, you weren’t part of the deal, we just saw you a few times a year. She didn’t want to be a mother to you.”

And my favorite line, just last year was, “Nancy is Jealous over the fact I’ve been spending more time with you than her, we’ve got to make things fairer. This weekend I’ll spend more time with her.” God, can you imagine, an adult jealous over a kid, and worse, hiding said guilt when out with others, by pretending to be the perfect step mom.

The first week I lived with them, while still grieving my mother, I was in the kitchen helping Nancy cut vegetables. “He was only supposed to be a part time dad,” she said in a hissed whisper. “You moving in here is ruining my marriage, ruining everything.” You can imagine how I felt sitting at the dinner table after that.

Back to the present, Dad is still looking for my approval of the whole situation. “So Liz, you do understand, don’t you. There will be another chance for me to meet your teachers.”

I want to say Daddy I need you, come to the interview, be in my life, take away this emptiness inside of me, but given the above I don’t. What good would it do? He feels he’s in an impossible position, trying to please the two women in his life and so no matter what I do or say, he will never be more than a part time dad. “I understand. It’s just a dumb interview anyway.”

“By the way, we checked out the referrals for doctors in Roswell that Dr. Blin gave us. Dr. Yarrow seems to have the best reputation for dealing with your problem.” Don’t you just love the fact he calls it my problem? “And her schedule fits with your too. You’re seeing her tomorrow after school at 3:30.”

I am actually looking forward to starting therapy again. It will at least give me someone to talk to. Yes, I’m in therapy and I’m on meds and we never talk about these things, not about my problem, oh no, as Nancy says, "t’s a taboo subject."

“Ok, Lizzie. It’s getting late. Get some sleep.” He kisses the top of my head and leaves.


***********

I’m outside his window. I don’t know how I got here. In fact I have no memory of leaving my house, but I’m out of breath so I must have run here. I knock. I don’t know if he will turn me away. God, I pray he doesn’t. I really can’t be alone right now.

“Liz?” he asks opening the window in shock.

I begin to ramble and cry, all at the same time. I haven’t cried in front of anyone before, not since Sean. “I’m sorry. It was all my fault. I’m worthless and stupid and fucked up and I don’t deserve your friendship but please forgive me. I need you.”

He looks at me compassionately, takes my hand and pulls me through the window.

I turn my arm so that my palm is face up so that he can see the scars on the lower part of my arm. I don’t need to tell him what they are from or what I am afraid I will once again do.

“I told you I’d be here. I meant what I said. Come on,” he pulls the covers of his bed back for me. “Get some sleep.”

I get in, and exhaustion takes over once my head hits the pillow. “Thanks, Michael.”

[maya]

Part 8- Anything can happen when you wake up in someone else’s bed


I just had the best sleep of my entire life. Really, I’m not exaggerating. Every muscle in my body feels rested and for a brief second when I awake I feel at peace with the world. I say brief second, because this is me we are talking about, everything with me is brief and fleeting but lately, things have gotten so bad that even one second turmoil free is heaven, utopia, mecca; you get the picture. Those new meds must really be working.

The sheets are so comfy, not soft like silk, but warm and fuzzy. I rub my face against my pillow with a sigh. This is heaven. Then I open my eyes. The sheets are cotton, plaid blue and white and they smell like some sort of spring clean scent. These are not my sheets.

I look around me, and am flooded with panic. This isn’t my room. I look down at my Metallica T-shirt. This isn’t my shirt. Not only is this not my room, it’s a boy’s room. I don’t know why I am so upset, I mean I’ve found myself in many a boys room lately but this is…I don’t remember even coming here. Where the fuck am I?

“Liz, your up. Good.” It’s Michael. Thank god.

“How did I?”

“You came to my window last night. You didn’t want to be alone.”

“Well, thanks,” I say getting up with a yawn.

Suddenly the door opens and a man walks in, finding Michael standing in a pair of boxers, me in just the Metallica t-shirt. “Dad!” Michael yells, mortified.

His father looks proud. “It’s about time, Michael. I was beginning to wonder when you’d get laid.”

Michael turns red with embarrassment. Then Hank looks to me. “I’m Hank.”

I am still mid yawn, the Metallica shirt riding high enough to show off my creamy, firm things and Hank definitely notices. “Liz,” I say finally extending my hand.

“What’s all the commotion?” Michael’s mother asks joining us in the room. She lets out a gasp when she sees me. I feel like I’m in the middle of a soap opera and it is so much fun!

“Janet, Michael had a girl stay over last night,” Hank explains, the pride still there.

Janet flashes a disgusted look my way. She doesn’t have to say it but I know she thinks I am a slut. “Well why don’t you two men let this woman get dressed. Michael, I want to talk to you downstairs, now.”

They start to leave, Hank lingers the longest, his eyes never leaving my body. “Where are my pants?” I say bending over to give Hank a perfect view of my ass. I then turn around and give him a wink.

“Hank!” Janet yells, jolting him out of his sexual gaze. “Don’t make me come back there.”

“Coming, honey,” he yells back, a look of guilt passing across his face, before closing the door behind him and heading downstairs.

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Men, predictable as mud, but ten times more fun.

********

15 minutes later, Michael comes back up to his room to find me dressed and listening to his ipod while I sit in the window sill.

“I brought you a muffin.” He passes it to me.

“Thanks.”

“Ya, I deserve I huge thanks. I just spent the last 10 minutes convincing my mother we didn’t sleep together.”

“How’d it go?” I can’t help but grin. Parents get so frazzled when it comes to sex.

“My father looked very disappointed,” he laughs. “And I still don’t think my mother believes me. Of course, swaging your ass at my father didn’t exactly help things.”

I shrug. “You should have had some fun with this…told them we’d had hot sex all night,” I suggest.

Michael clearly doesn’t agree. I wonder if he’s still embarrassed by the fact that Hank leaked the whole thing about his virginity. “Look, we better get ready to go. We can swing by your place so you can grab your books on the way to school.”

I really don’t want to see my parents. I’m sure by now they’ve figured out I’m not at home. “I don’t need books. All I need is up here.” I point to my head.

“Come on,” I open his window, planning to jump out.

He shakes his head. I guess his mother is expecting us to use the front door.


**********

As we walk, Michael begins to ask the dreaded questions.

“You were asleep before we could talk. What happened last night, Liz? Does it have something to do with Max?”

I shake my head. “My dad. Look, I just needed a friend. I don’t need to talk about it. I have a therapist for that.”

“Really?” he asks. “What’s that like?”

“Oh, it’s a joy, really.” I roll my eyes. In reality, I’m looking forward to therapy. I definitely need to get some shit off my chest.

“What about your arms?”

“What about my arms?” I ask, starting to panic at what he’s alluding to.

“The cuts.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” There is no way I would have shown him that. “Were you looking at me while I slept?” I ask, feeling the anger begin to boil.

Michael looks as though I’ve slapped him in the face. “Of course not. You showed me last night. I think you were afraid you’d do it again.”

I stop walking and look at him with a scowl. “How do you know I did it?” I ask, trying to look as non chalant as possible but I can feel the façade breaking.

“Look at me and tell me you didn’t,” he says.

I should be able to lie. I do it all the time. But I can’t with Michael, I just can’t, so I say nothing and I turn away.

‘Liz,” he presses but then he takes one look at me and changes his stance. I’m not exactly one that can be bullied into confession. “I hope you’ll tell me one day.”

I turn to him with a smile. “Is that your way of saying that your window is always open?”

He laughs. “Something like that.”

We’ve reached the school. I start to walk towards my first class but before I can he pulls me back. “I’m telling Maria you stayed over, just so that they’ll be no misunderstandings.”

Is he crazy? “I wouldn’t Michael. The secret is safe with me, I promise.”

He shakes his head. “Look, Maria and I are sort of seeing each other,” he explains.

I raise my eyebrows in surprise. “What happened to the ‘I want someone who doesn’t want to change me’?” I ask.

“We worked that out. She’s actually pretty cool and I just won’t lie to her.”

“Look Michael, you’ve been a good friend to me so in return I’ll offer you some free advice. Don’t tell her. A girl like Maria just won’t be able to handle it.”

“Thanks Liz, but you’re wrong.”

“It’s your funeral,” I say as I head off towards my first class.

I look back to see Michael heading in Maria’s direction. I know exactly how this will play out and it won’t be pretty. At the end of the day, he will wish he had listened to me.

-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-_-


The shit has hit the fan, I’m not surprised at all, I mean I did warn Michael this would happen, but I do feel bad for him all the same.

Let me give you a quick run down of events. He told Maria I stayed over for purely platonic reasons, she didn’t believe him and spent the morning crying in the girls bathroom to any tramps who would listen. Yes, that’s right, one of those tramps was none other than Tess Harding. As you know, Tess Harding has been out for my blood for a while and so she took personal responsibility for spreading the rumor all over school.

Slut, Bitch, Betrayer, some have said it, others looks have portrayed it and a few chose to write it out on 8 by 11 in all sorts of pretty colors and tape it to the lockers, bleachers and bulletin board.

I’m used to all of it, it’s Michael I am worried about. They’re saying a lot of stuff about him too. Unfortunately, we have no classes together and he has been no where to be found.

As I leave the school, I run into Maria, it looks like she’s been waiting for me. “You Bitch. I can believe I was ever nice to you.”

“Get out of my way, Maria,” I say. She is really beginning to get on my nerves. All the crap Michael and I suffered today is because of her.

She stands in front of me, daring me to go by. “No. Just tell me why. Why did you screw my boyfriend?”

“I didn’t and he told you that.”

But she doesn’t listen. “God, I know you’ve spread your legs for half the school but couldn’t you have left him alone. He was mine.” She’s crying now.

I glare at her. “Nothing happened. You know it. He told you out of courtesy. I told him not to because I knew you’d fly off the handle like this and you proved me right. God, a great guy like Michael likes you and you spread rumors around the school about how he cheated on you to anyone who will listen. Make Tess and her tramp crowd your friends so they can laugh at you and talk about what a pathetic loser you are behind your back. God, Michael will never take you back now. You blew it.” I start to walk away.

She looks scared. ‘Liz, wait.” She runs after me, her metaphorical tail between her legs.

We walk over to a more secluded area, where half the student body can’t stare at us.

“You really didn’t sleep with him?” she asks in a quiet voice.

“No. I had a …a really bad night so I went there.”

“Why not my place?” she asks and I look at her with complete disbelief.

“Maria, we haven’t exactly been getting a long.” In fact we’ve been at all out war. Does she think this is the facts of life, where everyone makes up in 5 minutes?

“Max’s?” she asks.

“I barely know Max. Michael….he was the only one I thought could help me.”

She nods. I think the light bulb is starting to come on for her.

“Look, I know you’re angry at me but I am also pissed at you, royally pissed. I have no friends here and so far you’ve only been my friend when it suits you, when you need info on Michael, or help with Michael or whatever. That’s not what a friend is to me.”

She sniffles. “I’m sorry Liz.”

I hate watching her cry. ‘Look, I gotta go, ok?”

“Liz, umm, I sort of went straight to Max with it this morning too, so you might want to straighten things out with him.”

I roll me eyes as I start to head towards the sidewalk. Why am I not suprsied?

“So, I guess now isn’t the best time to ask you how to fix things with Michael?” she asks.

If I wasn’t so mad, I could laugh. Did she hear a word I just said? “You’re on your own, Maria.”


************

I have counseling at 3:30 and it’s only 3 o’clock so I decide to walk and clear my head. Think about what I’m going to say.

When I pass by Roswell Memorial park, I’m surprised to see Max sitting on the same park bench we sat on the other night, feeding the birds pieces of bread. Knowing, what he knows, I wonder if I should head over, or not. My answer is made for me, when he looks up, sees me and waves me over.

“Have a seat,” he says in a cheery voice.

“Not exactly the greeting I was expecting,” I say.

“Really? Were you expecting a kiss like the other night, because that can easily be arranged,” he flirts with me.

“No. It’s just that Maria said that…”

He cuts me off. “Yes, Maria did come see me this morning with some gossip about how you and Michael had slept together.”

His openness surprises me. It’s just not something I’m used to. “Were you mad?” I ask.

“No. I know Maria, she tends to fly off the handle without all the facts. Plus, I know Michael wouldn’t do that to me and well I know we are not technically together so I wasn’t sure I’d have a right to be mad.”

“Wow, how mature of you.” It’s really impressive, actually and it makes me wonder if he doesn’t like me as much as I thought he did. I mean, he is right, we are not together technically, but normally if you like someone you would care if they were with someone else.

“Well,” he admits at last, “I was actually pretty steamed, but Michael set the record straight about 5 minutes later before I switched from simmer to boil.”

“Oh, that explains it,” I say with a laugh.

He looks away for a minute. Then back at me, hurt in his eyes. “I’m sort of still at simmer though.”

I’m confused. “But I thought Michael explained it and you know why I went there…..”

He nods. “But the thing is,” he starts to fidget with his hands. “Why didn’t you come to me, Liz?”

That is the question of the day. Maria asked me, Michael asked me and I have asked myself at least 100 times. “I’m not sure, Max.”

He looks at me. “See, I knew you’d have a reasonable explanation.” He’s trying to make light of the situation but I can see he is still hurt.

“I just, Michael isn’t really a threat because he’s a friend and you’re..”

“I’m what?”

“Something seems to be starting between us and I didn’t want to ruin it.”

“You were upset. How would that ruin anything?” he asks.

God this is so difficult. How do I explain? “There are some things that I am just not ready to share with you yet.”

“I see.” He swallows hard, trying to digest it all. “Have you shared them with Michael?” he asks, looking very insecure.

I better not lie. “Just a little bit Max. Not much really.”

“I see,” he says once again. That is what my father usually says when he doesn’t like my answer to something.

“Can you understand?” I ask. For some reason, I really want him to.

He takes a minute before answering. “Would it be ok, if I just said that I am trying as hard as I can to?” he asks.

I nod. “It is more than ok. It’s honest and I’m not sure I can expect you to understand what I can’t understand myself.”

“So, you said something is starting between us?” he asks hopefully.

“Nothing official. I’m just dealing with too much and I can’t drag you into it all but I do want to get to know you better.”

“In a more than friend type of way?” he asks hopefully.

He looks so cute. “Definitely in a more than friend type of way.”

“Oh shit! “ I yell.

“What, what is it?” he jumps off the bench in alarm.

“It’s 3:25, I have an appointment at 3:30.”

“Ok, let me walk you. Where is it?”

I shake my head. “I just don’t want you to know about it, not yet.”

“But Liz, surely you…”

I cut him off by bending forward and placing a quick kiss on his lips. “I’ll see you tomorrow, ok?”

He gives me an almost drunken smile. “Ok.”

As I head for counseling I commend myself on probably the first adult conversation I’ve had in years and the fact that it was with Max. Even more commendable is the fact I accomplished this after the day from utter hell.

Anything can happen when you wake up in someone else’s bed. Rumors get started. Lies get told. You can get the only friend you have in trouble with his ‘sort of’ girl. The girl you never liked anyway can give you a reason to dislike her more. Your day might become filled with endless apologies, excuses, as you try to dig yourself out of the big black hole you’ve awoken into. You might find out the boy who liked you, still does. Like I said, anything can happen.

[maya]

clueless
orphyfets
FSU/MSW-94
sprayadhesive
jamy21
hazz
Erina
Emz80m
FrenchDreamer
Addicted2AmberEyes
Shadowlynxbehr
dreamer19
Alien_Freind
nibbles2
BehrObsession
Dreamer<3
LairaBehr4
Cocopucks


A/N: Sorry for the delay. This part was very difficult to write.

Disclaimer: The song in this part is Breathe Me by Sia.

Warning: This part contains self harmful behavior. Please do not try at home.



Part 9 - I’m not sure I’m ready to wake up

Dr. Yarrow is nothing like Dr. Blin. With Dr. Blin, whenever I wanted to avoid, I would get my kicks by making sexual gestures with my tongue or I’d wear a short skirt and then sit with my feet up on the chair in front of me, knees wide open. Watching him spend the hour, trying to suppress his reaction to the view in front of him, well it was entertaining to say the least.

Dr. Yarrow is a woman so unless she’s a Lesbian, which I doubt, due to the photo of her husband and two kids, my sexual prowess won’t work here. Part of me likes that, knows I can’t hide, will get the help I need. I mean with Dr. Blin sure we talked about a few things but mostly we just filled in time to appease my dad while fattening Blin’s pocket book. So yes, part of me likes the idea of actually having to work at my therapy. The other part of me, yup, you guessed it, is scared shitless.

She wants to start the session by talking about the present, in other words, how I am adjusting to my life here in Roswell, before we go into the past, the dark and ugly, that is in the file folder on top of her desk.

I don’t like her questions, so while I sit here under her inspection, I act out in other ways. The first thing I do is pop 4 pieces of double bubble in my mouth and blow the biggest bubble imaginable; seriously it should be in the Guinness Book of World Records. Then, when it bursts, I rip pieces of it out of my mouth and twist it around my fingers.

She doesn’t seem amused at all. Instead, she asks me another question.

“Has it happened before?” she asks.

“What?” I ask, pretending I can’t remember what we were just talking about.

“Losing time?” Yes, I told her about the other night and how I don’t remember going over to Michael’s. She was really interested in the friendships, or lack there of, here in Roswell. So I told her about Michael and Max and that irritating chatterbox Maria. Now I regret uttering a word.

“What is time?” I ask.

“You like philosophy?” she quips with a grin.

“Do you?” I counter.

She shrugs. “It’s ok.”

See, I keep answering her questions with a question. It means I have to divulge less. Neat, eh?

The first few time, she accepted. This time, she sends a glare my way. “You about done?” she asks.

“Huh?” I ask, feigning innocence.

“The distractions, avoiding my questions?” She grins. I’m not the first to play these games.

I say nothing in response.

“So, did I pass?”

“What?”

“The test. You know, I’m sure you’re comparing me to Dr. Blin and pointing out all the ways I can’t help you.”

Instead of answering, I get up and walk over to her diploma on the wall.

“It’s real,” she laughs. “Not mail order.”

“My methods are different than Dr. Blin’s. I have a great success rate, Liz, but you have to want to get better.”

I’ll let you in on a little secret, only because we don’t know any of the same people so I know there is no chance of this ever getting out and I know you’d never set foot in Dr. Yarrow’s office to save your life.

I want to get better. I want to stop hating people, hating myself and there’s a reason I want this, a reason I never had before. Max Evans.

I know, you’re probably rolling your eyes. A man, you say, is the worst reason for wanting to get better. You have to want to get better for yourself. Well, that’s easy for you to say. You, with your perfect family, boyfriend and perfect life. When you look in the mirror, you like what you see. When you wake in the morning, you’re happy with how you feel. I hate the way I feel, sometimes it hurts me to the very core and other times , even worse, I feel nothing but emptiness and it is then I know I am truly alone. I don’t want to be alone anymore.

“Well Liz?” she asks. “Are we going to give this a go?”

“Yes, “I whisper.

“What?” she can’t hear me.

“Fuck. I said yes. Happy Now?” I growl.

“Are you?” She’s doing my answer a question with a question now. She’s got some spunk. Dr. Blin had about as much spunk as a wet dish rag.


*********

She’s actually read my chart and seems to know my case pretty well and before we know it, we are in the thick of things.

“When do you think it happened for the first time?”

“When Sean did the things he did,” Just saying his name sends a wave of panic and nausea through my very being.

I’m a filthy hoar. A stupid filthy hoar.

“I think it happened, long before then.”

“My mom’s death?” I ask.

History of Abandonment.

“That was a huge part of it….but do you have periods of lost time from earlier in your life?”

I nod.

When?

Please don’t leave me.

“When my father left.”

And so it begins.


************

“Why don’t you like Maria?”

Wow. There are so many things. If I listed them all, we would be here for hours. “She’s so superficial.”

History of unstable interpersonal relationships.

“Like what. Boys and Clothes?”

“Ya.” See, she gets it. “That is all she talks about.” I roll my eyes in remembrance.

“Don’t you think most teenage girls do?” she asks.

“No. Not the way she does and she never shuts up.”

“The other girls in school you said call you a slut. Does Maria?”

“No.” What, should Maria win a prize? Give me a break.

“Does she make any judgmental comments towards you?”

“No.” I should have known she’d take her side.

“Then what has she done to upset you?”

“She only wants to be my friend because she likes Michael and she knows he and I get along. I mean talk about a user.”

“I mean all she asks me about is him, what she should say, do wear.”

“Did you ever consider it’s because she values your opinion? That maybe she is insecure?”

“No.” I thought Dr. Yarrow was ok, but she’s not. In fact, now I see that she is a total Bitch.

“Did you like her at one point in time?”

I roll my eyes. “Yes. But then she invited Michael and Max over to crash our evening. She should have told me about it. It wasn’t nice. That was why she invited me, so she could see him.”

“So you picked a huge fight full of hateful words?” she asks.

“Ya, how did you know?”

She doesn’t reveal her secret. “Did you ever consider just talking to her about it, working it out? I mean friends can make mistakes. You don’t expect her to be perfect, do you?”

Heroes and Villans. It’s one or the other. No in between.

“Yes, I do.”

“Why, Liz?”

“I don’t know.”


*************

“When was the last time you cut yourself?”

“A few days ago?”

“Do you remember?”

“Sometimes.”

“Do you remember that time?”

“No.” But I know I did it. The lamp was broken. I used a shard of glass.



*************


Dad arrived to pick me up a few minutes ago and meet Dr. Yarrow. Dr. Yarrow says that our sessions are confidential and it is up to me whether she tells my dad anything. I tell her to go ahead and tell him everything.

They are standing just outside the office; the door is open enough that I can hear them.

“It seems like things are going fairly well here for Liz. She is even making a few friends.”

Dr. Yarrows voice is tense when she replies. “Mr. Parker, your daughter is extremely unwell. The one friendship she started with this Maria became unstable in just a few days. Her relationships with others, she views them as either good or bad, she can’t reconcile the two.”

“I’m not sure that I understand?” It’s my dads, haven’t got a clue voice.

“When Liz meets someone, at first she thinks they were wonderful, but everyone is human and makes mistakes. But Liz can’t see someone as being a good person with flaws, therefore if they do something bad she either views them as being bad and ends the relationship or she views herself as being bad, the cause of the persons bad behavior, then she internalizes it and hurts herself.”

God, I hate Dr. Yarrow. So what is she saying, the problem is with me, not Maria? Doesn’t she understand that Maria was using me? Bitch.

“She hasn’t hurt herself for a while,” dad protests. Oh dad, you are so in the dark.

“There are some fresh marks on her arms.”

“Why? Why is she doing this to me?” God, everything is always about him, isn’t it?

“The root of it is abandonment,” Dr. Yarrow explains.

“Her mother’s death,” he reasons.

“Actually, it started before that, when you left. Mr. Parker, she needs a full time father.”

“I am. She ‘s with me full time now.” His voice is rising. Oh, oh, I can see where this is going. Did I mention that dad can have quite the temper?

“She’s not getting the full time attention that she needs. Borderline personality disorder has to be taken seriously.”

At this point, I am at the door, watching my father’s reaction. She told him she was gonna tell him this.

His eyes go wide. “Wait, just a minute now, Dr. Blin said that lots of kids Liz’s age exhibit BPD symptoms and that it is rare to diagnose them at that age, they can grow out of it.”

She scolds him like a school teacher does a child. “Mr. Parker, your daughter has suffered from these problems for years with no relief and hasn’t had the proper course of treatment. Let’s not argue diagnosis. She has borderline symptoms, they need to be treated, regardless of whether some therapists think there is a space for 16 years old in the DSM or not.”

Now dad is enraged. “I’ll tell you who caused this whole mess. It’s that Sean. He used her, threw her aside like yesterday’s garbage.” Sean. Sometimes I think dad hates him more than I do. Of course that can’t be possible. “Sure her mother’s death was hard, she was depressed when she first came to stay with us but then she started dating him and everything went downhill.”

“Mr. Parker. Why do you think she allowed herself to be in that position in the first place?”

That is a question he clearly does not want to answer. I can tell from his body language that the conversation is over.


*************


“What did you tell her?” My father asks in the parking lot as we head for the car.

“Nothing,” I mumble. I shouldn’t have let her talk to him.

“Then why is she making me out to be a bad father?” he asks.

“Because you are,” I snap.

“Now, Liz I…”

The damn in me breaks. “You are and I hate you. Don’t you get it? I fucking hate you!”

He looks around. A few people have stopped to stare. That makes him very uncomfortable, others perceptions are very important to Mr. Parker. “Liz, I’m not going to listen to you when you get irrational like this.”

“Irrational. Is that how you see me? My irrational, chore of a daughter?” The tears are coming so strong, like waves that have no release, no where to crash and I feel like I am choking. “Dad,” I cry.

“That’s it. I’m leaving.” He takes off towards the car.

“No daddy, don’t leave me, please,” I beg. My voice gets louder, I am screaming like a child. “Don’t leave me.”

He gets in the car and slams the door. Before I know it, he’s pulling out of the space.

“No, no, daddy please.” I start to chase the car but my legs feel so wobbly that I have to stop. Everyone around me is fuzzy. The buildings don’t look real. They look taller and skinnier and fuzzier.

Someone puts their arms around me. I’m not sure who. It might be Dr. Yarrow, but I’m not sure.

I’m all alone. Empty. Please just make it stop.

One step forward, two steps back.



***********


I wake up in bed feeling tired and groggy. I don’t know what happened or how I got home from the parking lot. Another memory loss for me to discuss with Dr. Yarrow next week.

I look out my window and see that it is dark. I’m scared and alone. I pick up the phone and dial a number that I have never dialed before. When the voice answers, I respond, “Max, I need you.”


***********


There is a tap at my window and I am surprised to see Max on the other side.

He opens the window. “Hey,”

“What are you doing here?” I ask, still lying in bed, surprised.

“You called me remember?” He says, pushing his hands into his pockets. “Is everything ok, you sounded upset?”

“Right,” I say but I am lying, I don’t remember calling. “I’m fine. I just wanted to see you.”

He seems happy with that, if his grin is any indication.

“You called me instead of Michael,” he beams proudly.

“You have a problem with that?” I ask. “Because I can still call Michael,” I tease.

He laughs. “Nope. No problem at all.”

“So, what are you doing?” he asks. I’m still lying in bed, the covers pulled up to my neck.

“Just listening to some music,” I motion him to come over and lie beside me which he does eagerly.

We lie together for a minute, just savoring the music. Then he looks at me and smiles. The way he looks at me, like there is no place he would rather be, I don’t feel so alone.

When I smile back he feels bolder and runs his fingers through my hair. Then he bends down and kisses me. Warm, soft, safe. He is perfection itself and I feel so utterly happy.

Help, I have done it again
I have been here many times before

Before, I know it, things heat up between us. The blankets still separate us, but our kissing has grown to an exponential high. “You are so beautiful, “he says and I smile. But I can barely see him now. Things are different, almost spacey. It is almost as if I am in a dream. Max and I are in a dream together.

Hurt myself again today
And, the worst part is there's no-one else to blame

Then I start to shake. Why am I shaking? “What is it, Liz?” he asks with concern.


Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me

“I’m so cold Max and so sleepy.”

“Cold?” Is he surprised? I can’t really tell. Everything is surreal.

I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

“You are sort of pale,” he says.

Ouch I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found

“How many covers do you have on here? You shouldn’t be cold.” He’s laughing as he pulls them back and then his face is filled with horror. He sees blood. All I feel is sticky and cold and tired and like I’m not really here.

Yeah I think that I might break
I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe

Max jumps up. “Mr. Parker, come quick.” He hollers.

Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me

There’s a commotion in my room but I’m not really there. I’m with Max Evans in a beautiful dream and I don’t want it to ever stop.

I am small
I'm needy
Warm me up
And breathe me

[maya]

Thanks so much for the feedback. Sorry for the delay, I have just had a lot going on. The good news is that I did get into screenwriting school for this coming fall so will soon be leaving the corporate world behind to follow my dreams which I am pretty pyched about.

Also, I answered some of your questions about Liz' symptoms in an authors note on page 3.

Stow Away was also updated today.

Clueless
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Emz80m
LairaBehr4
Sprayadhesive
Orphyfets
Addicted2AmberEyes
Flyawayraven
FSU/MSW-94
Cheekyfraggle
Queen Fee
FrenchDreamer
Raemac
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Roswell3053
BehrObession
Raemac
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Plinkslipper

Part 10 – He sent away the one thing I need

I open my eyes but I can’t see much more than faint shapes. I don’t even know if its night time or the blinds are just drawn.

I’m in the hospital, of that I am sure; because of the smell and the monotonous beep, beep that keeps sounding out of a machine I’m hooked up to, not to mention the IV. Besides, this isn’t exactly my first time.

Last night I was kissing Max and the world was spinning, dizzy with happiness and then suddenly I was tired and cold. I’m still cold, not outside, not at all, but on the inside I feel so empty it’s like I’m lying in a bed of ice.

A slumped form in the chair across from my bed stirs upright. “Lizzy, you’re awake.” I see my dad get up and walk over to the left side of my bed as my eyes adjust to the light.

He takes my hand. “I thought we were passed all of this. Why did you…” His voice chokes up a bit. Has he been crying? No, see my dad doesn’t cry over things like this, over anything. He’s the one that makes people cry. But his eyes they look…..does he?

I don’t answer him. I mean its a pretty loaded question, one that I don’t know the answer to yet and if I did it wouldn’t be the answer he was looking for. Don’t you hate that, when people want you to get better, but by a script they want you to follow, and so they give you everything accept the one thing you truly need?

There’s no one else in the room and I can’t help but think of Max. Could he be in the hallway? Or on a coffee run?

“Where’s Max?” I ask.

My father stares at me coldly as if he doesn’t like Max but I mean come on, he doesn’t even know him. “Max isn’t here.” He just states it, matter of fact.

My heart falls. None of it was real was it? And if Max really wasn’t in my room last night, I certainly can’t hold out hope that he would be here now.

“I sent him home hours ago,” he says. Hours ago? So he was here. “And he won’t be coming back.”

“You sent him away?” I ask.

He nods. “We can talk about it later, Lizzie. I need some coffee. Nancy will be by later.”

I turn my head the other way. I don’t want him to leave. I don’t want to be alone but he sent Max away. I hate him so much right now that I think I’ll risk it.


********

They want to put me in a treatment facility, just for a while, just until I am not at risk. No one talks about the cuts, the stitches, the largest scar that I will have for life. Dad and Nancy refer to my problem as ‘this’. “We need to put her somewhere until this stops.” “Somewhere this can be dealt with.” “Somewhere this won’t affect her.” It’s as if ‘this’ is an external force come to hunt me down, rather than something inside of me.

I won’t go. I like Dr. Yarrow. I think she can help me and I tell them that. They are not convinced and the doctors advise strongly against it.

“She lost a lot of blood,” I hear a doctor explain to my dad. “And she was lucky a larger artery was involved. Next time she might not be so lucky.”



*********

I’ve been drifting in and out of sleep for hours. Dad’s been traveling between here and the Crashdown and no decisions have been made as to where I will go when I am released.

The blinds are up now and I can see the warm sun outside. It is then that I hear Max’s voice say my name.

I turn to look at him with a smile. “Max, you came.”

“Of course I did. I was actually here last night but your dad sent me home and well he…and I had to wait till he was gone to come back.”

He takes a seat beside me. “I know he won’t let you in here. What happened?”

“He wasn’t exactly thrilled that I was in your room so late at night, especially since you were in bed. I also get the feeling he blames me for this. God Liz, I would never hurt you.”

He takes my hand and gives it a squeeze. It is then that I realize how worn out he looks and I wonder if he has had any sleep. “Of course you wouldn’t.”

“Liz, you cut yourself. This is……I’m really worried.” He’s the only person who actually said it, I cut myself. It makes it more real and before I know it I start to sob.
“Is this the first time?” he asks.

I shake my head.

“How many times?”

“It’s usually more superficial, so if I include those, a lot.”

“God, Liz.”

I won’t tell him about the BPD. I won’t tell him about Sean. Then I’d just be giving him more reasons to want to leave. “I understand if you want to leave,” I say looking away. Why can’t I keep anyone in my life?

“Of course I don’t want to leave Liz, I….” It sounds like he’s going to say he loves me but he doesn’t finish the sentence. Instead he asks another question. “Liz, why did you call me after you had done that?”

I look at him, the worry lines on his forehead, his bloodshot eyes and I answer truthfully. ‘Because I need you.”

He nods. I think he understands.

*********

Max brought me ice cream and comic books. He lies on the bed beside me, reading them to me, beaming every time I laugh. A few times he’s even leaned in and kissed me but when I try to deepen it, he pulls away saying that I need to recuperate. I feel so cared for.

We are laughing over one particular joke when my father comes in, much earlier than anticipated. “Liz I brought two visitors to cheer you up.” Michael and Maria are behind him and when he’s fully in the room and sees Max he comes to an abrupt halt.

He turns to Maria and Michael. “Will you two, wait outside for a moment please.”

They leave and he turns back to Max and I. Max, looks like a deer caught in headlights, I look like I’m about to put a stake through my dads heart.

“I told you to leave.”

“With all due respect Mr. Parker, Liz needs me.”

“You are the reason she is in this hospital and I never want you around her again.”

“Mr. Parker.” Max gets up off the bed and walks over towards my dad. “I think there has been a big misunderstanding.”

“Oh, so you weren’t in my daughter’s room after curfew last night?” he asks.

Max shifts on his feet uncomfortably. “Well, I was but it was only because Liz asked me too,” he tries to explain.

“Oh, so if she asked you to do drugs, would you?” Oh not this crap again. My dad and his pointless points. I have to stifle a laugh.

“Well no.” He looks down at the ground.

“Daddy, I cut myself before I even called Max. If he hadn’t been there and called for your help, I would be dead.”

“And if you hadn’t met him, you wouldn’t be like this at all.”

“That is not true,” I protest.

“It’s just like Sean all over again. Why do you pick these boys that just use you? Of course if you weren’t so promiscuous, then maybe they would pick some other girl to prey on.”

“Mr. Parker, your daughter is not…”

“Oh, so you know my daughter better than I do?” he glares at Max.

“Daddy I need him.” I want to throw a tantrum, tell me father where to fucking go, but then he’ll definitely commit me. I’ll keep quiet for now.

“No, what you need are your friends, both of whom are being kept waiting in the hall. Max, out of here now.”

Max doesn’t budge.

“Do I have to call security?” he asks.

Max looks at me apologetically. “Go,” I say as tears start to run down my face. I know dad is making him go but as I watch him disappear through the door I feel like he’s abandoning me, like I will never see him again.



**********

“Look, Liz if you don’t want me here I….” Maria says. She is sitting in the chair, while Michael sits on the side of my hospital bed.

“No, no Maria, I am glad you’re here. I just…”

She stands and walks over to stand beside Michael. “You don’t have to explain anything. This is your business. It’s just I thought about what you said I… well our friendship has been a little to focused on me and I’m sorry if I gave you the impression I didn’t care. Truth is I’m so sick of the girls at west Roswell, I have slowly pulled away from them over time and have very few friends. When you came to town I was so excited, thinking we would be best friends that I sort of pushed myself on you and when you weren’t too receptive I sort of lashed out.”

It took a lot of guts for her to say that. “Maria, I’m sorry that I wasn’t…..well, receptive as you put it, I’m sort of not good at the friends thing, but I will try, if you will.”

She leans in and gives me a hug. “And I’m sorry about the Michael thing. I actually wasn’t using you. I wanted you there so I wouldn’t be so nervous,” she whispers.

“Point noted,” I whisper back.

“So, I take it that you two have made up?” I ask with a smile.

Michael grumbles something and Maria nods. I can’t help but laugh.


*********

Today, I am finally leaving the hospital. I’ve convinced my father that I am better off coming homing and continuing therapy with Dr. Yarrow and I am on a new medication. Actually, it was really DR. Yarrow who convinced him, after I had convinced her. I’m good, aren’t I?

Unfortunately, this decision came with rather unlivable ground rules. For one thing I can never see Max and to ensure this, I am being kept on a very short leash. If he keeps me in, under his control he thinks I won’t cut, won’t exhibit any signs of BPD. Again, it’s the external forces, mostly boys that he feels are too blame. And so he is keeping the one thing I need away from me, Max Evans.

And that’s the problem that he doesn’t understand, I can’t live without Max Evans. I need him, just to breathe. Thankfully Michael and Maria have offered to cover for me. So once I am back at school, operation Romeo/Juliet will be well under way.

God, he’s my father, shouldn’t he know what I need?