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Author: Amber Eyes
Title: Watching Clouds (2007)
Chapters: One Parter
Catagory: Max & Liz (AU/No Aliens)
Rating: Teen
Synopsis: A simple tale of a girl's view on how tragic life can be on a pleasant sunny afternoon.
Disclaimer: I do not own Roswell, or any of the characters, those belong to Jason Katims, Melinda Metz, UPN etc. All I own is this story and any of my own original characters that may or may not appear in this story, which stems from my imagination. And no infringement is intended.
Author Note: To all those people who have loved and lost, (whether its through death or a break up) you will know how excruciatingly painful this loss can be. To want to be with someone so bad but not able to due to the circumstances.
The song used at the beginning is by Michal Towber. I thought it was a pretty cool song to apply to the story. You can listen to the song from here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GyU8cKv0xXE as you read
The actual musical inspiration for the writing of this story was the Castle in the Sky (Laputa) theme song - Kimi Wo Nosete (Carrying You) (song can also be found on youtube)What I say often counts for so little
Such things that lack the sun of life
But the words that count the most
All at first seemed useless
Before our incomplete eyes
If I stop moving, I'll become invisible
The man I want the most
Has made me miserable, oh
If only this death I'm dying were physical
At least I'd know the pain would stop
If I had just had the courage that night
To walk in front of a car
Then I wouldn't be left
With this terrifying stillness
And the cold impartial stars
When I stop moving, I'll become invisible
The man I loved the most
Has made me miserable, oh
If only this death I'm dyin were physical
At least I'd know the pain would stop, oh
At least I'd know the pain would stop, oh
At least I'd know the pain would stop.
"Solution" - By Michal Towber
I close my eyes and feel the sun's warm rays bathe my skin, the wind gently teasing my senses. I hear laughter and in my minds eye, I see the image of a young couple walking along the sandy beach against a sunset backdrop. The young man shyly asks if he could kiss the girl. She turns away embarrassed and ponders the question for a second before nodding 'yes' and smiles shyly up at him. They share a brief simple kiss. Smiling at one another, they continue on their way. Innocent days when life was simple and filled with love, or at least the start of coming to care deeply for someone.
The image of the happy couple fade and I am once again left alone with my pain.
Lying on a red checkered picnic blanket I had earlier placed on a patch of grass, I stared up at the fluffy clouds against a backdrop of pure blue sky. A calm sunny day I exist in, yet deep inside, I am a stormy vortex of pain and hurt. I close my eyes to the illusion of reality around me and focus on blocking out the pain in my soul; blocking out the memories of 'him.'
"Hi."
A voice I thought I would never hear again.
He is no illusion.
He sits on the precipice of my reality and my inner world.
I open my eyes and turn my head to acknowledge him.
"Mind if I join you?" He asks.
"Be my guest."
He sits next to me on the blanket for a minute before lying down himself.
I have my eyes closed once more, but I can feel him watching me. I open my eyes and stare up at the clouds. Once of them looks like a giant fish chasing after a frog.
"So how are you?" He asks.
"Fine." I lied.
He does not know my pain. The pain he put me through for months and which still continues. It has been 6 months and still I cry myself to sleep at night when my thoughts wander to him. I cannot block him out. He haunts me.
"So what are you doing?" He asks me.
"Watching clouds." I reply. "If you look at them long enough, they turn into the most fascinating objects."
He nods and stares up at the sky.
To any onlookers, nothing would seem out of the ordinary. But there is something wrong with this picture. The underlying current is there. The tension. We are both lying to each other by pretending nothing is wrong. To continue on from a moment in time when things were happy and fine.
Fate can be cruel.
We broke up 6 months ago. I had told my friend Maria I never wanted our paths to cross again, and what happens? He texts me 2 months later to ask how I was. Did fate not hear me? Paths not crossing! Ever! and from that day onwards, our paths have still occasionally crossed.
How cruel is fate to bring two people together and have them break up in the end but still have their lives still be intertwined.
I guess when love is involved and feelings run deep, you cannot just ignore, forget and move on. No matter how hard you try. You can attempt to forget a person for months, but in the end, if fate has decreed that your souls are to be forever bound to one another, then that person will always return to you.
I turned my head to gaze at him. His dark chocolate brown hair; his captivating amber eyes; his chiselled male features so different to my softer feminine ones.
He turns his head and stare at me as I stare at him.
"What?" He asks.
I stay silent for a minute and continue to look at him. Memorising him.
"Nothing." I say. "Just admiring is all."
"Liz, listen--"
I know what he's going to say, so I cut him off.
"What?" I reiterated his earlier question.
He hesitates before asking me, "What is it you want? out of life I mean."
I want a lot of things out of life, but mostly I just want to be loved by some who in my eyes I would consider my world. Someone who I get on with and love. Someone who I connect with soul deep. A feeling that goes beyond the physical plane and into the spirit.
I had that once.
A feeling I have never felt with anyone else before.
"It doesn't matter Max. What I want I cannot have."
He continues to watch me.
I wish he'd stop doing that. It makes my heart ache to have him look at me the way he used to.
"I miss you" He tells me quietly.
Cruel cruel fate to torture me this way.
I feel my bittersweet pain magnified by his words. My eyes begin to water, but I hold back, I refuse to cry in front of him.
"I miss you too." I tell him. And I do. I'll forever miss him. He'll forever haunt my heart and my memories. I turn my head to face him and a traitorous tear slips down my temple. I do not brush it away, but instead let it fall.
"Why are you crying?" He asks.
Silly silly male.
"Because every time you re-enter my life, as happy as I am to hear from you, it rips me up inside to have you so close yet so far away from me."
Another tear falls as my control over my emotions slips. He reaches over and gently brushes the tear before it slips down my temple.
I close my eyes to savour his touch. My insides churning inside out.
"We could always try again." He whispers close.
I clench my eyes close and shake my head and as more salty tears fall.
"We can't Max. We can't ever go back."
"Why not?"
I open my eyes to look at him.
"What would be the point? there's no future for us. Why be in a relationship with someone if there's no mutual goal in the future?"
So many obstacles and deal breakers in our way even right from the start.
"Max, you know all I ever wanted was for you to be happy." Even if it meant sacrificing my own. But I can't do it anymore.
"You make me happy Liz. I've never met a girl quite like you."
If I made him happy then why did he give me up?
That's right. Fate.
No matter how much we wanted to be together, if chasm wide obstacles are in the way, then it forces our path into different directions. To continue walking down the same path would surely mean destruction.
Fate can giveth and fate can take it away.... or was it God? I'm not good with proverbs.
I heard once that if you love someone, you would want the best for them; to support and push them to do whatever it is they wanted to do to the best of their abilities.
Max had wanted to be a doctor working in the third world country saving lives. And I admire him for that, even encouraged and supported him to reach for his dreams. He'd asked me to go with him once he's finished med school. But did he ever stop to think of what I would do there? My dreams lay elsewhere in a different field. Did he ever stop to consider how living away from my family in a different country would affect me? To drop my life and chase his dreams. A stronger person might have accepted it to be with the one they love, but how long would their happiness last before bitterness and resentment kicked in? Bitterness and resentment is a place I don't ever want to go to or feel. Not towards the one I love.
As much as it pains me to say this, but "Max, you'll meet someone else, someone who's more compatible with you. you'll probably met her in med school or in your future line of work."
"Liz--"
"Think of the bigger picture Max. The path you've chosen to walk down, it's to bigger and better things. You're following your dreams and that's great! You'll be saving lives, improving people's chances at life, that's commendable. Focus on that. You don't need me in your life to tie you down."
In the distant future, I see children in my life, he doesn't. He likes his freedom and independence to do his own thing. To follow his dreams. To live his life.
A fork road lay in front of us, and we took different paths.
The sun continued to shine, the clouds drifted lazily across the blue sky, people go about their business around us.
I know what you're probably thinking. You should've probably just deleted his contacts and so forth so I won't contact him; to cut him out from my life after he'd disappeared from my life. I tried that, but it was he who still retained my contact details and was the one who contacted me.
See what I mean about cruel fate entwining our lives together. You ignore them for your own sanity but they always come back.
I could ignore the messages he sends, but then I would feel like a mean bitch. And to be honest, I'm still so drawn to him, I cannot deny him contact with me. I know, 'foolish girl' you must think.
Head over heart.
Heart over head.
It's a little blurred here.
What is the right thing to do?
We continue to lie there staring up at the sky. His hand shifts and gently touches mine.
Our fingers entwine between us on the picnic blanket.
We lie there in the illusion of perfectness.
Both unable to part from each other's lives, yet unable to stay together.
So we simply lie there.
Pretending.
The man I loved the most
Has made me miserable, oh
If only this death I'm dyin were physical
At least I'd know the pain would stop, oh
At least I'd know the pain would stop, oh
At least I'd know the pain would stop.
The End
