The Queen of Antar
Loses her freedom
Present day. Liz's Quarters.
Over lunch, I look at her with new eyes. She hasn't changed the way she looks at me. She has always treated me well, my Liz. Never letting me get away with murder even when Mother made light of my mischief. Always taking the time to explain to me why what I was doing was wrong or upsetting. I feel nervous but I don't know why. She's still Liz. She has always treated me as if she were my mother. I always respected her but I could feel more. I can feel more. I can give her what's due.
"Has it been horrible for you? Knowing that I was your son and being unable to tell people?" I ask and she just looks at me. I'm leaving her room to tell me that my siblings are hers and she just looks at me. "Please tell me that you've had some true happiness in this place."
22 years ago.
My days became my own again. I was unable to define the source of my newfound strength but I still carried a half prince in my belly. I could not forget that fact, not even when I tried. Somehow I made my life my own, at least that which I could control. In the following weeks, I changed my schedule. My breath of freedom had liberated me though I was probably never free. Bawo and King Zan didn't comment after the first day I insisted on the new routine.
I was not to be a kept woman because of a horrific night with the ruler of the land. I was Tirera. I was young. I was strong. I woke at dawn. I cleaned and dressed myself for the day. I cleaned the bathing room after Y'Antaru showered. I ate breakfast, a lot of it. I ate lunch, a lot of it. I packed a dinner for three and I found David as he was getting off sentry detail. Sometimes I spent my afternoon in the library, killing time until I could see David again. We never did much. We walked around the palace or picnicked in a nearby field and reminisced about the far reaches. Sometimes he would teach me Y'Antari, correcting my pronunciation and expanding my vocabulary.
We spoke in low voices so that no one could make out our words or know that we were speaking mainly in Tirera. When the sun began to set, he walked me to my room and squeezed my hand before he was gone to the soldiers' bunk outside. I climbed into bed every night with a smile on my face. Zan would lay his hands on me when he thought I was asleep and I could feel myself healing from the day's toll on my changing body.
For three weeks, not a day went by that I did not see David. I had begun to notice things along the way. His eyes locked on mine often. His eyes held mine for longer and longer moments in ways that sent heat flooding my face. His hand found its way to my back when we walked, into my hand when he led the way. How reluctant he was to say goodbye every night.
"David… you're staring." I leaned on the wall inside the entrance to my room. David leaned on the wall, staring at me.
"I like you Miss Parker." He ducked his head and placed his hand over mine where it rested on the corner stone. "If we were in the far reaches, I would ask your father's permission to visit with you. He's not here and I don't know how I should go about this."
"You already visit with me, David."
"Yes but I mean to… be yours." His hand cupped my cheek. "I hate to leave you at night, Liz Paka. I don't like to think of you sleeping so close to any man that isn't me."
"We hardly sleep in the same bed, David Pierce." I forced out the lie. "It's not even the same room."
"I know that and I feel bad because he's our king and a good one. King Aperys was a tyrant who never left his whores long enough to see to his people."
"King Zan is gone often to see about his people. Does he have… whores?"
"Don’t you dirty your lips with such words… but King Zan has none that I've seen. They say he loves his wife… much the way Tirera love. Pure and deep and blind. I want to love you our way. I wish I knew who to ask. It is our way to ask permission before you kiss someone's daughter."
"You want to kiss me?" I bit my lip to keep my smile from spreading too wide.
"I do. In this land, there are no beauties like you. They are blondes and red-heads with blue or green eyes."
"You have blue eyes." I murmured as I stared up into his eyes. I was mesmerized by him. By his eyes, the shape of his lips and the way he stared at me.
"Grey eyes run in my family. The bright sun here changes my color. Yours are pools of glorious brown deep as the forest and rich as the earth… and far brighter than Cherin's star."
"Don't say things like that." I begged though I didn't really mean it. "Cherin's star is sacred."
"Yes. She is. I cannot ask your father but may I ask you?"
"Yes. My answer is yes." I breathed out. "I will be yours. Kiss me, Davi Peyrs." His lips on mine were warm and gentle. My first kiss. Short and sweet, he broke the contact. "Dav—"
"Sh… I will see you tomorrow."
He left me standing there pressing my fingers against my lips. I floated on air to my bed. I could only enjoy the moment for ten minutes before my stomach revolted and I was rushing for the drain in Y'Antaru's bathing room. I was miserable for an hour as my stomach objected to the food I had eaten all day. When it subsided, King Zan swept me into his arms and carried me to bed like a child. "You're late."
"Late for what?" I was insolent and pouted when he tucked me in and ran his hands over me. They were warm and emanated energy. I hardly noticed that I didn't need to struggle to understand him or speak to him. "I went for a walk."
"You go for a lot of walks, lately. Bawo Lodona is worried about you." He chided and looked me over.
"Why? Because of the baby?"
Something flashed in his eyes and he took his hands away. "You'll be getting sick like this for a while."
"What do you want from me? Am I supposed to stay in this room until the baby is born and then what? Will you kill me so you can take him?" I didn't know where the words came from but they flowed so easily off my tongue without a hint of my native accents. He just stared at me.
"Who's been teaching you?" I didn't answer him at first. He just nodded as he realized that I was understanding more and more everyday. "Keep learning. You're doing well." He sat on the edge of the bed. "You understand me now?" I nodded that I did. "I am sorry for what happened that night. It wasn't supposed to be you in that bed that night. I will pray for your forgiveness though you would be right in withholding it. I will take care of you, Liz Paka. I won't let anything happen to you."
"You'll take the baby, won't you. Will you send me away?"
"I… The baby is a blessing, Liz. You carry the future king of our lands. I am sorry that it has to be this way. I don't know if I will send you away. That is for the Bawo to decide for us."
"You wouldn't…" I let the words hang because I couldn't finish the sentence. I didn't want to think about it if he did keep me on as his whore. I would run away. I would hide. I would wait until David found a way to take me back to my father.
"I never intended to make you my servant that way. I never intended to make love to anyone but my wife. Circumstances have risen and I needed a surrogate for my child. The woman was supposed to be much older. You were not supposed to be there. What Ava did was wrong and she will pay for it every day of her life." He touched my face. "You are too young to know the horrors you've seen here."
"I'm 16, your highness. I had to grow up sometime."
"Not like this."
Present Day. Liz's Chambers.
"So, he told you what she had done?"
"I figured it out as they talked around me. I could hear the arguments from their room." Liz rocks herself in the chair, her eyes on the sky outside.
"How did it all happen?"
22 years ago.
David and I continued our courtship for two months after that night. He was respectful of me. We took our long walks. He kissed me and taught me how touch could be so very good. The day it happened, we were in the old barn, new in those days. We married in secret. Using the Tirera ways. We pledged our hearts, souls and bodies to each other. We spent the sunset kissing and whispering to each other. When night fell, he undressed me, covering my body in his kisses. I undressed him, exploring the man's body. I became uneasy the closer to consummating we came. David must have noticed because he lay on top of me and just stared down into my face. "It's okay. I won't hurt you."
"David… I…"
"Tonight is our wedding night and no one will know until they can accept that Tirera are people too. We'll keep it close to our hearts, where they can't touch us." His eyes shone so much love at me that I couldn't help but trust him. "When I leave next month, I will carry the memory of you in my heart until I can be here with you again."
He covered my mouth with his, drawing me open and relaxing my nerves. His hands swept my skin, starting at my cheeks, skimming over my shoulders, brushing my tender and swollen breasts, down my stomach and spread my legs so he could press closer to me. When he brought our bodies into one, it was the most complete that I had ever felt. Afterward, he held me close in a horse blanket he had found. I couldn't stop smiling because I was married and I had made love to my husband without fear or reservation. We had done it all our way. With the blessing of our god, with solemn vows. Without nectar, without unnecessary dresses and costumes, without huge crowds, without the approval of a priestess or the Granilith. The only thing more I could have hoped for would have been to have my father witness our vows.
David and I made love all night, always hungering for each other more. I couldn't fathom having to say goodbye to him when his regiment was sent to help the citizens rebuild their towns. I had heard my father speak of the passion that can happen between a man and a woman when they were married but I had always thought he meant love. Passion is so much more. Time ceased to exist while we touched each other and made each other cry out in ecstasy. That was unfortunate.
Neither of us realized the dawn was upon us or that we had been missing all night or that anyone had noticed. I had just closed my eyes, feeling his breath against my breast as he rested and suddenly all I felt was cold. My eyes popped open and King Zan had my husband by the throat. I couldn't even scream. I forced my legs to work and I wedged myself between them, begging for him to let my love go. "No! No, please! Let him go!"
"Liz, put your clothes on." King Zan bit out between his teeth.
"Let him go, he didn't do anything wrong." I pleaded, pulling on my king's arms and beating on his chest. "If you kill him, you'll kill me." That sentence put pause in his eyes. "If he dies, I will kill myself."
"Liz, no." David pleaded though he was losing consciousness.
"Liz, move." King Zan demanded.
"No." I grabbed his pistol out of his belt and held it against my head. "I'll end my life." I watched his mask of anger melt and he released my husband, who skittered away to breathe. We stood staring at each other for the longest time. He in defeat. Me naked with the pistol to my temple. I felt David drape my dress around my body and slowly pull the pistol away.
"Liz." King Zan flicked his eyes down to my flat belly. "Why didn't you come in, last night?"
"I was busy."
"Liz." David hissed in my ear.
"This is my life. It is not yours to control. I cannot live my life in that room and never know anything else, no matter what my circumstances are." My words were hard and David kept trying to pull me away but I held fast my stance. "I do everything you ask of me. I do what you don't ask of me. I need him."
"This isn't just about you, Liz." King Zan pleaded with me. "You can't do this."
"I can't?" I nearly took the pistol from David to point at our great king. "I love him. I—" David covered my mouth before I could blurt out what we had done… but I was tired of it all. Tired of living in the palace. Tired of hiding. Tired of trying to appease everyone else. "I'm a married woman now, Y'Antaru. I love this man and no matter what hold you have on me, I am entitled to be happy."
"Did you tell him?"
Those words sobered me because I hadn't told my husband of a day about the baby in my womb. I hadn't told him what had happened to me on my 16th birthday. Still, I could not let go of my anger. "I am here because my Tirera father could not afford to feed me. I am here because you sent your women to my village to take the children as indentured servants. I am here because of a night that I cannot erase and I defy you to stop me from loving my Tirera husband." David stilled when I blurted out those words. I could feel the fear radiating off him.
King Zan just nodded and gestured to our marriage bed. "Clean up. Meet me in the chapel in twenty minutes."
When he was gone, David spun me in his arms to face him. "Liz, what did you do?" His face was desperate. "Do you know what will happen when anyone finds out who we are? And you just told the King, himself?"
"He already knew about me." I straightened my dress and began picking hay out of his hair.
"What was he talking about? Did you tell me what?"
I couldn't meet his eyes. "We should hurry. He takes his chapel business pretty seriously."
"Elizabeth." He softened his tone. "What is it?"
"Let's just see what he wants with us… he won't hurt me."
He didn't respond, just combed the hay out of my hair with his fingers. We walked, hand in hand, to the chapel, ignoring stares and whispers from servants and soldiers alike. When we entered the chapel, Bawo barred the doors and motioned us to her small chapel in the back. King Zan waited there, seated by the baptismal basin. She made David kneel by the basin and she pulled me aside. "Our Lord Zan tells me that you got married." I nodded. "By whose authority?"
"By the authority bestowed in us by god when he set our people on this planet."
"By Tirera law, then." Bawo sighed and looked to our king who looked ill. "There are rules, Liz. Y'Antari law does not recognize Tirera ceremony. Bath maids do not marry soldiers."
"Neither is paid for their hard work. What does it matter?"
"Come with me, Liz. Your king needs to speak to your husband." Bawo steered me into the back bedroom and sat me on the bed. She pulled out her crystals and began an examination. "You are lucky that it was only Tirera vows you took. You could have harmed our prince."
"So it is a boy."
"I would not get so attached to the child, Liz."
"So, he will take it."
"He will. The queen will not be having any children. You will be the one to carry our prince into light and no one must ever know that he is half Tirera. The child will be taken on the day he is born and he will be raised as the son of King Zan and Queen Ava. You will have no child to show for your pregnancy." She sat in a woven chair and stared at me. "Perhaps it is fortunate that you have done this. If anyone asks. You will say the child is your husband's. He will not be here when the child comes."
"But… he will know that it is not his."
"How?"
"Because we were only just married last night."
"Ah. I see." Bawo rocked in the chair for a moment. "Then he will keep it a secret. He will be instructed not to tell anyone that the child is not his. When the child is born, he will not be here. You will say that the child was born dead."
"What will he tell David?"
"Davi. You will call him Davi."
"What will he tell Davi?" I corrected and waited; afraid that I would lose the man I loved.
"A story about a young girl who went for a walk and was happened upon by a letch. Our courageous King rescued you but not before you had been impregnated. The violator was dispatched to the inferno. Our good King has vowed to keep you safe to make up for what happened to you within our city."
"He's going to lie."
"You did not tell your husband about the baby inside you and that is as bad as a lie."
Present Day. Liz's chambers.
"What did Davi do when he found out?"
"He was upset. I was sick all that day. From morning sickness, from the upset, from lack of sleep. Davi came to me after his duties and held me in my bed while I quaked with fever and regret. He still loved me and could not blame me for something that had happened to me." Liz rocks in her chair, her eyes on the wall. "He was still wary. When your father came in to ease my sickness, he kept his hand on his pistol the entire time. Apparently the fact that our King Zan was a healer, was also a secret. Davi nearly leapt out of his skin. We lied to anyone who bothered to ask. We said we had been married by Antarian law in the chapel with Bawo, Lord and Granilith as witnesses… because I was pregnant with his child. That lie made Davi sick but he loved me."
"What happened with M—Ava?"
22 years ago.
Most of what I knew came from the echoes. No one had seen her out of her rooms in months. David and I gleaned from the whispers that she was pregnant and irate because she was bedridden. I knew she wasn't but I couldn't tell David that. David slept in my bed with me until he had to go. By that time I was rounding with child. Often I would wake to find him cradling the life inside me. Once he even pressed his lips to my bare belly. He referred to the baby as his. My heart broke each time he patted my belly and talked about the life our child would have.
He brought me sweet cornballs and cookies every night. King Zan came in to check on me but I suspect it was also because he wanted to see if David would be there. He hadn't slept on my floor since the night I married David. The day after his 20th birthday, David was sent away to guard the water train. I was seven months pregnant. The night after the regiment left, King Zan began sleeping on my floor again. One morning I woke to find Queen Ava standing over him with a wicked dagger. She tilted her head one way and then the other. She looked perfect. Her hair done, her make up flawless and her dress elegant.
"Lord Zan!" I blurted out. She whirled on me as his eyes shot open. I scrambled from the bed but my belly made me move slow. The dagger ripped the sheets inches from my child. I stared at it. The shiny blade imbedded where I usually lay down to sleep. King Zan dragged her away and pinned her to the floor. He slapped her hard.
"If that child dies, I will kill you."
"No one will ever believe a child so dark came from me." Ava spat in his face.
"This is your fault, Ava. All your doing. If you had just followed the rules, we would not be here. If you hadn't tricked that sweet child, she would not be having my child. If you had kept your legs closed, I might still be enticed to visit your bed." He held her hands over her head and straddled her legs. "The only reason I don't get rid of you is your father. If you die, he will investigate. If you tell him I plan to kill you the second he dies, I will expose you for the whore you are. All I need you for is to placate the delusional. I could rule without a queen. I don't need you. You are window-dressing. I could have another queen within a year if you die of sickness."
"If I kill her, the lies would be done with, Zan. You could have your perfect little world." She hissed at him.
"I can't trust you in my servant's room. I can't trust you in my bathing room. I think you shall be confined to your bed. I'll enclose the barriers so that you'll have to use a chamber pot in bed. Nothing in and nothing out. A servant from my father's regime will empty it for you. If you ever threaten the life of the future king again, I will hang you for treason in the square. I won't even hesitate to tell your father what you've become. I'll make sure that the name Ava becomes synonymous with filth."
Present Day. Liz's Chambers.
"She didn't leave her room again until you were born." Liz tells me, her eyes still on the wall.
"How… Can you tell me about it?"
21 years ago.
It was a miserable day. I had spent all morning kneeling in the chapel, praying for my torment to be over with. I had prayed for two hours that the pain in my back would cease. That I could go longer than twenty minutes without searching for a chamber pot. I had situated myself in the kitchen, the cook was used to my presence by then, and started on my meal of soured greens and sweet meats. The rain beat down on the walls and I kept thinking about my husband. Guiding a water train when the skies had opened up to end the droughts once and for all.
Bawo Lodona had crystals slung around her neck when she found me. She examined me with them and ordered me to bed. I had just managed to make it up to my room and pick up the chamber pot when the wet, warmth gushed from my body. Bawo stared at me for a moment before stripping me of my wet clothes and getting me into bed. She covered me with a sheet before rushing from the room. I could hear her ordering women out of the royal chambers. Moments later, King Zan burst into the room. The three of us worked together.
The pain came and went and when I thought it would take my life, King Zan helped take it away. Bawo readied sacred clothes and oils. She knelt on the floor to examine me. In the heat of things, I spewed forth all the evil Tirera words in my knowledge, directed at my king. When the final push came, I nearly passed out. King Zan stayed with me and eased my pain but I knew he couldn't take it away. I rested while I was cleaned and when I could open my eyes again, I saw him standing by the window with the baby. Bawo changed the sheets and lay me on the fresh sheets with a pat on the head. They blessed him with oils and waters and all I kept thinking was that David had wanted to name the baby after his father and I knew that couldn't happen.
I dissolved into tears, refusing to talk when addressed. I couldn't bear it. I had lived with that child inside me for nine months. I had felt his heartbeat every night. Had felt him kick inside me. He was a part of me and he was going to be taken away from me. Raised as Queen Ava's child. Queen Ava who had wanted to kill him while still in my womb. I must have started rambling because Bawo Lodona crept into the bed to console me. When I had calmed, King Zan sat on the bed with the baby in his arms. "My son needs a name. What is this word you keep saying?"
"Davi wanted to name the baby after his father but it is not our baby to name." I felt empty. Without my baby inside me, without my baby to hold, without my husband to comfort me.
"What was his name?"
"Avery Pierce."
Present day. Liz's chambers.
"My name is Tirera?" I blink at her.
"Yes… when I heard that the prince had been named Avery, my heart swelled. Queen Ava had taken to the name because it was so similar to hers." Liz nods to herself. "She didn't know it was Tirera."
21 years ago.
It was two days before I saw the baby again. He wouldn't eat and wouldn't sleep. The nurses had tried everything. Finally Bawo Lodona brought him to me. I had been leaking non-stop and had to unwrap myself to feed him from my breast. Prince Avery of Antar. My son. I could not claim him. I could nourish him. I could speak to him of the far reaches. I was promoted to nursemaid on that day because I fed him until he was full and he slept for hours.
I walked around the palace when I was not feeding the prince. I missed my husband. I had constructed the lie and I had to finish it. I made a marker and I set it beside the barn where we had taken our vows. No one bothered it. No one cared if a bath maid buried something or nothing. No one cared that I had supposedly lost my child because there was a prince in the palace. I put my feelings for my baby there. I could hold him but I couldn't love him.
That was where David found me when he returned. I cried on him. I cried my soul out. I knew my baby was alive but he wasn't mine anymore and that was nearly as bad as losing him altogether. When we returned to my room, we didn't speak. We held each other until King Zan came in with the baby for me to feed. I watched the pain in David's eyes as I took the baby into my arms and opened my blouse to feed the healthy, hungry prince. Then I saw the love in his eyes before he kissed my forehead. "Thank God I have found a good woman with so much love and understanding in her heart."
"She is a good woman with an open heart." King Zan told him. "To thank her, I honored the memory of her child by naming my own the same."
David started crying and turned away to hide his tears. He had loved his father very much. Learning of his death to the famines had hit the acclimated soldier hard. It took several moments for David to control himself and turn back to us. "Thank you, King Zan. My family will always serve you to the fullest extent."
King Zan looked to me. "I never congratulated you on your marriage. You've chosen a fine man as your husband."
When king and prince had left me alone with my husband once more, David slid onto the bed and offered a tight smile. "It does not make up for the child we lost but the future ruler relies on Tirera strength to live."
"Maybe it was better this way." I said as I lay my head on his chest. "I don't need to carry the reminder of that night with me. I have you to chase away those memories."
"Always."
TBC
The Queen of Antar MA/AU (Z/A, P/L, Z/L) The End 02/26/08
Moderators: Anniepoo98, Itzstacie, truelovepooh, Erina, Forum Moderators
Part 11
The Queen of Antar
Restores the lands
Present Day. Liz's Chambers.
The day has darkened. Angry clouds roll in. I remind myself that I have a job to do but I can't resist listening to my own history. "I don't remember your husband."
"No, you wouldn't. He died when you were very young… and without a legacy."
20 years ago.
The routine had been set. David stayed with me when his regiment was at the palace. We made love, made plans and shared our lives with each other. I fed the hungry prince and when our king was away, he slept in our bed with us.
I took the young prince with me on my walks, guarded by two very large soldiers. When diplomats came to visit, I sat with the royal family at dinner so that I could occupy the child while King and Queen discussed politics and reparations. Often I would just sit there and wait because King Zan loved to hold his son. Sometimes he took the baby to court with him and listened to grievances while Prince Avery sucked on his little finger.
I began to trust this man, my king. I realized that when I had allowed my child to be taken from me, I had feared he would know no love. Watching the king dote on the child begotten in error, I felt weight lift off my shoulders. I could enjoy my life because though things had happened to be sad and angry about, it had turned out rather well.
Many nights were spent showing my husband how much I loved him. After early morning feedings, David would play with my little prince while I got dressed for the day. I knew we both pretended that we were a family in those moments. I knew that David was frustrated every time when he learned I had not developed bouts of sickness in his absence. He desperately wanted a child with me. There were days I didn't leave my room because I needed to recover from his vigorous efforts in bed.
Present Day. Liz's Chambers.
"Liz, please." I clear my throat, heat rising in my face.
"What? I loved my husband and one of the things I loved most was the way he made love to me. One day, Avery, you will know what I mean."
20 years ago.
"My love?" David brushed my cheek with his fingers. "My love?"
"I hear you…" I murmured sleepily.
"Bawo says that we should… make love often if you are to give me a child. That this week is important."
"You've been speaking to the Bawo about babies?" I opened my eyes to find him leaning over me.
"Yes, if we want to have twelve, we have to start now."
"Twelve, David?"
"Ten."
"Three."
"Eight."
"Four."
"Five will do, I guess." He rolled his eyes in his way at his own ridiculousness. "I see you with his baby and I want it to be our baby, Liz."
"I know… and I want that too but it will happen when it happens."
"Maybe it happens this morning." David dragged his lips over my neck and my eyes shut, waiting for him to continue his speech. "You look so beautiful when you're round with child and when it is my child inside you, I know it will be even better."
"I love you but you wear me out sometimes."
"I do?" He lifted his head so he could look into my eyes. "How?"
"I love the way you make me feel and when you are very, very excited, I feel you inside me hours after you've gone." His tongue wet his lips before they came crashing down on mine. An hour later, we were rushing to get dressed to see to our respective duties. I rushed into the royal chambers to pick up the baby from his crib.
"Well, if it isn't my husband's whore." The cold voice chilled me to the bone but I ignored it. I unbuttoned my blouse and sat in the rocker to feed the prince, who took up nearly my entire lap. "How many men do you service in there? It must be quite a few because there hardly goes a night when I don't hear the sounds. You have a dirty mouth."
I was saved by King Zan returning from an early summit. He stared at his wife before taking his son from me. He sat on the bed to bounce his son on his knee while I closed up my blouse. I watched the little prince struggle to get his feet on the floor.
"You'll lose those when you wean him and then who will visit your bed at night."
Zan cleared his throat. "Ava, my love, have you been insulting the nursemaid again? We've discussed this."
"I won't have that child be a part of me."
"Too late." He bit out but smiled when little Avery tried to hop while holding on to the bed sheets. "Liz, we must attend a summit down the river. I plan to introduce my son to Lord Larek. Tell your husband so that he may prepare you for the journey."
"Husband." Queen Ava snorted.
"Ava." Zan bit out but let his face relax when Avery reached his arms up to his father.
"I will tell him." I nodded to King Zan and stood to go. "Will he be able to join me?" I wished I had kept my mouth shut the moment the words were passed my lips. "I've not been away from the palace since I arrived. Davi has traveled quite a bit in the service of his majesty."
"I will… see which regiment will be working the detail." King Zan nodded to me. "Your husband is a good soldier. I see a promotion in his future."
--
The day that we were set to go was beautiful. The sun shone bright. Clouds broke the heat. A breeze cooled our skin. I waited on deck in my shaded seat while the soldiers carried the last of the provisions. The boat would run down to meet Lord Larek's village and then take us further on to check out the lower regions. The trip would take four months in total. Bawo Lodona sat next to me and commented on my color but I ignored her. My eyes were on my husband, who pulled on ropes and pushed on crates.
"Watch your eyes, Liz. You'll burn a hole through his clothes."
I blushed a deep red and met his eyes across the deck. He only smirked at me, reading my thoughts. He would find me when he was off duty and we would make the most of the cramped quarters.
The first leg of the trip was uneventful for the most part. The air was humid. The boat smelled and my stomach did not like the steady rocking but after I acclimated, David and I spent his off duty hours on deck staring at the stars, praying on Cherin's star for a child, or using my semi-private room to practice. Bawo was nice enough to be elsewhere when we needed to be together.
A month in, we were ahead of schedule and nearly to Lord Larek's lands. I watched impatiently as the city came into view. There was no one in sight so early in the morning but I leaned over the rail to see better, David beside me to point out the things I would see in Lord Larek's city. When the boat docked, he had to report for duty as part of the security detail. I watched them lower the gangplank to let David and his men march down to secure the route. My husband and his men. My husband was the leader of two battalions, one of which marched with him to the manor.
I rushed to change and to attend the royal family on their excursion to meet with Lord Larek, who I understood to control half the lands by proxy for his royal highness. I was lifted to sit next to the driver on the carriage in my new dress. David had bought it for me and told me that I would look nothing less than regal in it. The carriage began to move after a flag was raised in the center of town. Xarla did not look much different than the palace village. More mud bricks and less straw but the same.
When we reached the manor, the royals exited the carriage first and then David stepped to the carriage to help me down. "You look better than I could have imagined." I blushed a bright red and hoped I could spend some time with my husband while in Xarla. He sent me into the manor with a swat to my behind. I couldn't stop my blush until I hurried to meet the queen who had tired of holding little Avery and thrust him into my waiting arms.
"Lord Larek, it is good to see you again." King Zan greeted the nobleman with a bear hug.
"My Lord, King Zan." Larek stepped away to look his sovereign over. "You have grown much since I saw you last."
"You always say that. I have not grown an inch since I was 17."
"I beg to differ. You seem taller. Perhaps it is the crown."
"Perhaps." King Zan turned to pull his wife forward. "You remember Ava."
"I do, your majesty. How do you do?"
"I am well, Lord Larek." Queen Ava bowed her head to him and then snapped her fingers at me.
"And yes!" King Zan turned to me and pulled little Avery into his own arms. "This person, you have not met. Lord Larek, my son, Prince Avery."
"He is a strong one." Lord Larek took the baby into his own arms and gestured for us to follow him to a royal sitting room. I was almost shut out of the room until my king reached back to pull me in. "Who is this?"
"Liz Peyrs, Avery's nursemaid. He's not weaned. Perhaps that is why he's so strong. She will keep him from tearing up your fine home." He guided me to a seat where I beamed, introduced for the first time by my married name. They visited for a bit and when the prince began to fuss, I pulled out a large scarf and took him into my lap to feed. Not long after, they all rose to great Lady Bila.
She stared at me for a long time. "Is your servant too fat to stand and greet a Lady?"
I saw Ava smile but ignored them both. King Zan cleared his throat and leveled Lady Bila with an icy stare. "When my nursemaid is feeding my son, she is excused from protocol."
Lady Bila flamed an angry red. Lord Larek seemed embarrassed for his wife. They changed the subject and I tuned it all out. I tended to my little charge. Feeding, burping and rocking. When I heard them discussing David's performance as battalion leader, I practically beamed with pride. I could not wait to tell him how favorably he'd been spoken of in the company of royals.
The remainder of the trip was quiet. I couldn't sleep with David by my side but I could share my meals with him and visit him while he led sentry duty. I longed to sleep next to him again. By the time we boarded the boat to continue down the river, I was ready for him. When he entered the small room, I attacked him, pulling his clothes off and pushing him into bed. Afterwards, we had a laugh at my brazen behavior.
When we approached Owusti, I was nearly giddy. I had been feeling nauseous in the mornings but Bawo refused to check me out until we were on dry land. I couldn't tell David until I was sure. Still, I made love to him with as much vigor as he gave me. I was almost sad when word came that Owusti would be reached in the morning. A week without him in my bed.
He stared at me strangely when I refused to let him go until the last moment. "Liz?"
"I will sneak into the soldiers barracks tonight to see you." I told him.
"No." He shook his head with a smile. "If they see you in there, I'll lose you to someone more handsome and much taller… and…"
"Never happen. You're the most handsome man on the planet. You're the father of my child and I refuse to let anyone even try to entice me away from your arms."
"Liz?" He stared at me with tear-rimmed eyes and it was then I realized what I'd let slip. "Really?"
"Bawo will confirm everything once we're settled in the manor tonight."
"But you think that maybe?" His kiss made me weak in the knees. "Well, we best get the roads cleared so you can get settled."
He escaped the room whistling and smiling and I couldn't wipe the grin off my face. Bawo chided me for getting David's hopes up but I felt it in my bones that I was to give him a child in the winter.
I was seated on the carriage when I heard the gunshots. I hopped off the carriage and moved to the rail. The dust rose into the air and then more gunshots. I heard King Zan shout but I couldn't hear what he said. It wasn't until they drew in the plank that I understood the order. "Davi!"
The boat pulled away from port. Several soldiers leapt on and barely made the gap onto the deck. I searched their faces and turned to the turmoil occurring on the shoreline. Citizens with guns firing at us. Firing at the soldiers still in the city. Starting fires. I clung to the rail long after it all settled. Tears slipped down my face as I waited in my dress. The dress David had bought me. Had told me I looked nothing less than regal in. I stayed there until my dress was soaked in a mixture of tears and milk. Bawo eventually found me and led me away to change my clothes, clean me up and get Avery into my arms to eat.
In the middle of the following day, I was brought onto the deck and led down the plank to examine a row of bodies laid out on the dock. At the end of a row, King Zan was knelt, his hands over the face, his hands glowing slightly. I sank to my knees and waited. When his hands drew away, I saw my husband's face, just as handsome as ever, but pale and unmoving. I heard a wail and it wasn't until I had arms wrapped around me that I realized I was the one wailing. I stared and wailed. He had cuts all over his body but that didn't make sense because his face was flawless.
"Davi…"
"Do you let your servants carry on like this all the time?" A cold voice, colder than I had ever heard, spoke over my head.
"She's lost her husband. I'll allow it." The arms left my body and I fell forward, soaking my clothes with David's blood. "If you had signaled and warned us of riots, I would have never docked here. I wouldn't have lost fifty good men."
"I cannot be blamed for this."
"Yes, you can. There were no riots in Xarla. I have my son on that boat. Your future king and putting his life in danger is a grand offense. If you knew there would be riots, you should have sent a messenger and warned us of the danger. I have to kill 200 of your people. I have to give a third of your lands to Lord Larek."
"You can't do that."
"I am your sovereign. I can do what I like. You will pay restitution to Liz Peyrs."
"What?"
"This soldier was the youngest ever leader of three battalions and he had an excellent career in my service. You will pay his widow restitution for the pay she will no longer get and for the children she will not have by him."
"She will be the highest paid whore in all of Antar." The sharp crack could not make me look up. I couldn't take my eyes away from my husband's face. "You dare strike me? Lady of your lands."
"I dare strike an insolent and ungrateful citizen who has no heart."
"Enough, your highness." Bawo Lodona interrupted them. "Lady Nikas. You will pay Liz Peyrs her due. Her husband has died, leaving her with child. She is to be released from her duties as a nursemaid as she can no longer feed him. It is not the way of our lands to leave a widow penniless." She wrapped her arms around me. "Not one who has served the crown so loyally for four years."
"I will send you her bill." King Zan motioned for the soldiers to pick up the body. "Cremate him and keep his ashes. She will decide where he will be buried." He turned to Lady Nikas, who had severe features. "If you cannot control your people, I will find someone who can."
--
I barely remembered the trip down river after that. I had to be reminded to do my duties. When we began the journey home, I had accepted my loss. My husband's remains were in a canister packed into my trunk, along with as much of his things as I could manage. I would often sit on the deck at night and stare up at the sky full of stars and imagine that he was still with me. Cherin's star twinkled down at me but I had no love for the sacred star any longer. We had prayed on her and he was still taken from me. In my ears, I could hear echoes of his words to me. I love you and forever and always.
King Zan brought Avery and my scarf to me. I had forgotten again about my duties. I hurried to put everything into its place so Avery could feed. I was nearly startled when King Zan touched Avery's cheek so close to my flesh. "I am very sorry about Davi, Liz. He was a good soldier and a very fine man. Where do you want his body interred?"
"In Whittendon."
"Where's that?"
"The far reaches. It was the village he was born in."
"I'll have two markers made. One for the soldier's necropolis and one for Whittendon. I will take you myself." I only nodded to his words. "You will be okay, Liz. I will take care of you. You can stay in the palace for as long as you like, doing whatever you like."
Little Avery slipped from my arms to play on the deck with a spool he'd found. I remembered all those times David and I had played with the little prince in our room and pretended he was ours. I couldn't bear seeing this little part of me and not having even a little part of David for myself. "I'd like to return to my father. Use my compensation to help Parkston."
"As you wish."
Bawo Lodona picked up the little prince and carried him off, babbling children's prayers into his ears. I felt my face smile a little at the thought of my son being so well cared for. At the thought of seeing my father again. At the thought of telling them all I had learned. At telling them about my wonderful husband. I began to cry all over again and didn't even think when King Zan wrapped me up in his arms.
Then I was met with a cold splash and then a loud noise. I fought against my heavy clothes and clawed for the surface. Water filled my lungs moments before I was yanked up. I coughed up the water and drug in the biting night air. I was moving, pulled along by a band around my waist. Water sloshed and splashed into my face. When my eyes focused gain, I could see the remains of our boat on fire and sinking into the water. It looked so far away.
"The current dragged us away." King Zan spoke into my ear and I realized we were sitting on the shore, still half in the water. Once his voice hit my brain, then I heard the echoes of screams and gunfire. "Saboteurs. On my ship."
I stared and stared and gasped. "Avery."
He dropped me and got to his feet, watching the ship as it sank lower and lower. "Avery!" He bellowed. "Avery!"
Present Day. Liz's chambers.
"I don't remember any of that."
"You wouldn't. You were a year and a half… almost two, I think." Liz rocks steadily in her chair, eyes out the window again. "We were inconsolable. We thought you were dead."
20 years ago.
When we had exhausted ourselves shouting for no response, we crawled out of the water and walked. I don't know how far in the rains that poured down on our heads. I vaguely heard something about hiding so that any saboteurs wouldn't find us. The jungles writhed around us and I was afraid to even reach out to examine the huge leaves and vines that hung from massive trees. He stopped our travels when we came to a pocket. A long knife was used to part the veins of a large leaf and to cut off another leaf. I watched him weave the veins together. It wasn't long before we had an umbrella. Soon after a roof. Soon after that, a small hut to shield us from the elements. I helped where I could, remembering the days when my father would thatch our roof.
"Take off your clothes." King Zan said to me as he was pulling off his shirt. "If you stay in those wet things, you'll catch your death."
"It's cold."
"It will get colder if you leave those on." He hung his pants and shirt on a knob that jutted off a tree. "Everything's too wet to get a fire going. We'll have to…" He stopped to look at me. "I'm very sorry but… we'll have to lie together… to keep from freezing."
I did as told, remembering the cool nights at the palace where David would fold me into his arms and I was as warm as I would have been with a pile of blankets. A large, mostly dry, leaf protected us from the muddy ground. We lay together, watching the rain fall into muddy puddles all around our little space. I know I cried. He might have. My hair was drenched already so I could not tell for certain.
Unable to rest, I rolled over to see my king. He stared into nothing and I saw that he had grown up since our unfavorable meeting. His hair had grown back and the child had melted out of his face. I held him against me, stroking his hair and back. If indeed we had lost anything in that night, it was the same thing. It was the same pain.
I felt his lips on my chest, heat against my thigh. With all of the pain I had felt, I needed to feel good. I guided his lips to my nipples, hardened from the cold. His mouth was hot and felt so good, that I gave it all to him. My mouth, my breasts, arms and legs. I opened up for him and let him take solace in me because I needed to feel alive after all the tragedy. I needed to be treated as a wife once more.
As we came together, again and again, there was no pain. Only sensation. Only feeling. Only tangible, life affirming feeling. Kisses were rough and hungry. I could taste my milk on his tongue but didn't have time to think about it before my body exploded and his heat filled me.
We lay still for the longest time. His seed burning inside me, reminding me of what we had just done. Sweat cooled on our bodies but we never said a word. When morning crept into our little hut, he rose off my body and began dressing. I followed suit, unable to feel a thing. I followed him through the jungles blindly. I kept telling myself that it was wrong but I couldn't believe it. Not right but not wrong. Grief had moved our bodies into action. It was nothing more. I would still go home to my people as he promised me I would.
The morning was spent marching toward the nearest town. I never took his hand, not even when it was offered to help me over obstacles in our way. I never stopped walking, not even when my dress became soaked with milk. I had to get to our people so that I could make plans to go home. I was so happy when we finally reached a camp where most of our crew and soldiers were recovering from chills and wounds. He broke into a sprint, asking questions left and right and then I saw it. Queen Ava walking around with my son on her hip, making him laugh and squeal. I was so happy to see that he was okay. Then I saw King Zan take the baby in his arms and exclaim over how worried he had been. I stayed where I was, on my knees, praying my thanks that not everyone I loved died. A group of women took me and cleaned me up, giving me clean clothes and brushing the mud out of my hair.
When I emerged from the tent, I saw him using his shirt to clean something. "Y'Antaru?"
He spun to me and held out the canister. My husband. "A few of your other things were found. I'm having them cleaned. I thought you should have this right away." I saw it in his eyes. The apology. I only nodded and took the ashes from him.
"Are we safe here?"
"Yes, Davi trained his men well. We will be safe here until a transport can be built to get us back home."
"I should check on the prince."
"He is fine. He…" I watched his face turn bright red while he stammered over his words. "He's developed a taste for melon juice. They've been giving him that. If you need to rest…"
"I should still check on him." I brushed passed him and entered the tent where Bawo Lodona was feeding the baby chunks of green and orange melon.
"Our king tells me that you won't be with us much longer." Bawo did not even look up from where she and the baby sat getting messy.
"I would like to stay with him until I go. I need to say goodbye before I don't see him any longer." I said, taking over and softening the melon pieces before letting little Avery have them to suck and chew on with his tiny white teeth.
"Fine. Stay with him." Bawo flipped her hands at me and dug around in the trunks for a bit.
I watched little prince Avery. His dark mop of hair with tiny pieces of mushy melon in it. His pouty lips as he sucked on the mushy bits. His high-pitched squeal of happiness. "She was treating him well, wasn't she, Queen Ava?"
"Because she had to. She was the one in charge of him. I already told her what would happen if something happened to him. She believes me far more than she believes anything Zan says." Bawo hung her crystals around her neck, as if afraid someone would steal them from her trunks. "Perhaps he will grow on her and they will get on as he gets older."
When Avery was done, I took him to the basin to clean him up. He grinned at me. "Yiz."
"Hi." I said to him. Once he was dressed in fresh clothes, I set him on the ground so he could toddle about.
"They are saying that the rain is following her royal highness." Bawo snorted from where she was examining her crystals in the sun. "That she's healing the lands by riding through them. Imbeciles." She turned to face me and frowned with a large pink crystal over her eyes. "Where have you been sleeping, Liz?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Your husband has only been dead a few weeks, Liz. Where have you been sleeping?"
"Next to you." I rolled my eyes, not knowing what she was getting at. I had enough on my mind without her riddles.
"I know Davi did not put a child so young in your belly. Tell me who it was." She gripped my arm hard.
"Ow! What are you talking about?" But I paled. I shut my eyes. I had made a mistake the night before. I had made a very big mistake. I touched my belly. In a few weeks, I would get sick at night again. "Please, no."
"Funny that Davi touched you all the time and you gave him no child but Zan touches you twice and twice you give him child."
"No."
"Y'Antaru!" She called out of the tent and I sank onto a chair with my head in my hands.
Present Day. Liz's chambers.
"Danei?"
"Danei." Liz confirms for me. "We always did think it odd that it happened the way it did."
TBC
Restores the lands
Present Day. Liz's Chambers.
The day has darkened. Angry clouds roll in. I remind myself that I have a job to do but I can't resist listening to my own history. "I don't remember your husband."
"No, you wouldn't. He died when you were very young… and without a legacy."
20 years ago.
The routine had been set. David stayed with me when his regiment was at the palace. We made love, made plans and shared our lives with each other. I fed the hungry prince and when our king was away, he slept in our bed with us.
I took the young prince with me on my walks, guarded by two very large soldiers. When diplomats came to visit, I sat with the royal family at dinner so that I could occupy the child while King and Queen discussed politics and reparations. Often I would just sit there and wait because King Zan loved to hold his son. Sometimes he took the baby to court with him and listened to grievances while Prince Avery sucked on his little finger.
I began to trust this man, my king. I realized that when I had allowed my child to be taken from me, I had feared he would know no love. Watching the king dote on the child begotten in error, I felt weight lift off my shoulders. I could enjoy my life because though things had happened to be sad and angry about, it had turned out rather well.
Many nights were spent showing my husband how much I loved him. After early morning feedings, David would play with my little prince while I got dressed for the day. I knew we both pretended that we were a family in those moments. I knew that David was frustrated every time when he learned I had not developed bouts of sickness in his absence. He desperately wanted a child with me. There were days I didn't leave my room because I needed to recover from his vigorous efforts in bed.
Present Day. Liz's Chambers.
"Liz, please." I clear my throat, heat rising in my face.
"What? I loved my husband and one of the things I loved most was the way he made love to me. One day, Avery, you will know what I mean."
20 years ago.
"My love?" David brushed my cheek with his fingers. "My love?"
"I hear you…" I murmured sleepily.
"Bawo says that we should… make love often if you are to give me a child. That this week is important."
"You've been speaking to the Bawo about babies?" I opened my eyes to find him leaning over me.
"Yes, if we want to have twelve, we have to start now."
"Twelve, David?"
"Ten."
"Three."
"Eight."
"Four."
"Five will do, I guess." He rolled his eyes in his way at his own ridiculousness. "I see you with his baby and I want it to be our baby, Liz."
"I know… and I want that too but it will happen when it happens."
"Maybe it happens this morning." David dragged his lips over my neck and my eyes shut, waiting for him to continue his speech. "You look so beautiful when you're round with child and when it is my child inside you, I know it will be even better."
"I love you but you wear me out sometimes."
"I do?" He lifted his head so he could look into my eyes. "How?"
"I love the way you make me feel and when you are very, very excited, I feel you inside me hours after you've gone." His tongue wet his lips before they came crashing down on mine. An hour later, we were rushing to get dressed to see to our respective duties. I rushed into the royal chambers to pick up the baby from his crib.
"Well, if it isn't my husband's whore." The cold voice chilled me to the bone but I ignored it. I unbuttoned my blouse and sat in the rocker to feed the prince, who took up nearly my entire lap. "How many men do you service in there? It must be quite a few because there hardly goes a night when I don't hear the sounds. You have a dirty mouth."
I was saved by King Zan returning from an early summit. He stared at his wife before taking his son from me. He sat on the bed to bounce his son on his knee while I closed up my blouse. I watched the little prince struggle to get his feet on the floor.
"You'll lose those when you wean him and then who will visit your bed at night."
Zan cleared his throat. "Ava, my love, have you been insulting the nursemaid again? We've discussed this."
"I won't have that child be a part of me."
"Too late." He bit out but smiled when little Avery tried to hop while holding on to the bed sheets. "Liz, we must attend a summit down the river. I plan to introduce my son to Lord Larek. Tell your husband so that he may prepare you for the journey."
"Husband." Queen Ava snorted.
"Ava." Zan bit out but let his face relax when Avery reached his arms up to his father.
"I will tell him." I nodded to King Zan and stood to go. "Will he be able to join me?" I wished I had kept my mouth shut the moment the words were passed my lips. "I've not been away from the palace since I arrived. Davi has traveled quite a bit in the service of his majesty."
"I will… see which regiment will be working the detail." King Zan nodded to me. "Your husband is a good soldier. I see a promotion in his future."
--
The day that we were set to go was beautiful. The sun shone bright. Clouds broke the heat. A breeze cooled our skin. I waited on deck in my shaded seat while the soldiers carried the last of the provisions. The boat would run down to meet Lord Larek's village and then take us further on to check out the lower regions. The trip would take four months in total. Bawo Lodona sat next to me and commented on my color but I ignored her. My eyes were on my husband, who pulled on ropes and pushed on crates.
"Watch your eyes, Liz. You'll burn a hole through his clothes."
I blushed a deep red and met his eyes across the deck. He only smirked at me, reading my thoughts. He would find me when he was off duty and we would make the most of the cramped quarters.
The first leg of the trip was uneventful for the most part. The air was humid. The boat smelled and my stomach did not like the steady rocking but after I acclimated, David and I spent his off duty hours on deck staring at the stars, praying on Cherin's star for a child, or using my semi-private room to practice. Bawo was nice enough to be elsewhere when we needed to be together.
A month in, we were ahead of schedule and nearly to Lord Larek's lands. I watched impatiently as the city came into view. There was no one in sight so early in the morning but I leaned over the rail to see better, David beside me to point out the things I would see in Lord Larek's city. When the boat docked, he had to report for duty as part of the security detail. I watched them lower the gangplank to let David and his men march down to secure the route. My husband and his men. My husband was the leader of two battalions, one of which marched with him to the manor.
I rushed to change and to attend the royal family on their excursion to meet with Lord Larek, who I understood to control half the lands by proxy for his royal highness. I was lifted to sit next to the driver on the carriage in my new dress. David had bought it for me and told me that I would look nothing less than regal in it. The carriage began to move after a flag was raised in the center of town. Xarla did not look much different than the palace village. More mud bricks and less straw but the same.
When we reached the manor, the royals exited the carriage first and then David stepped to the carriage to help me down. "You look better than I could have imagined." I blushed a bright red and hoped I could spend some time with my husband while in Xarla. He sent me into the manor with a swat to my behind. I couldn't stop my blush until I hurried to meet the queen who had tired of holding little Avery and thrust him into my waiting arms.
"Lord Larek, it is good to see you again." King Zan greeted the nobleman with a bear hug.
"My Lord, King Zan." Larek stepped away to look his sovereign over. "You have grown much since I saw you last."
"You always say that. I have not grown an inch since I was 17."
"I beg to differ. You seem taller. Perhaps it is the crown."
"Perhaps." King Zan turned to pull his wife forward. "You remember Ava."
"I do, your majesty. How do you do?"
"I am well, Lord Larek." Queen Ava bowed her head to him and then snapped her fingers at me.
"And yes!" King Zan turned to me and pulled little Avery into his own arms. "This person, you have not met. Lord Larek, my son, Prince Avery."
"He is a strong one." Lord Larek took the baby into his own arms and gestured for us to follow him to a royal sitting room. I was almost shut out of the room until my king reached back to pull me in. "Who is this?"
"Liz Peyrs, Avery's nursemaid. He's not weaned. Perhaps that is why he's so strong. She will keep him from tearing up your fine home." He guided me to a seat where I beamed, introduced for the first time by my married name. They visited for a bit and when the prince began to fuss, I pulled out a large scarf and took him into my lap to feed. Not long after, they all rose to great Lady Bila.
She stared at me for a long time. "Is your servant too fat to stand and greet a Lady?"
I saw Ava smile but ignored them both. King Zan cleared his throat and leveled Lady Bila with an icy stare. "When my nursemaid is feeding my son, she is excused from protocol."
Lady Bila flamed an angry red. Lord Larek seemed embarrassed for his wife. They changed the subject and I tuned it all out. I tended to my little charge. Feeding, burping and rocking. When I heard them discussing David's performance as battalion leader, I practically beamed with pride. I could not wait to tell him how favorably he'd been spoken of in the company of royals.
The remainder of the trip was quiet. I couldn't sleep with David by my side but I could share my meals with him and visit him while he led sentry duty. I longed to sleep next to him again. By the time we boarded the boat to continue down the river, I was ready for him. When he entered the small room, I attacked him, pulling his clothes off and pushing him into bed. Afterwards, we had a laugh at my brazen behavior.
When we approached Owusti, I was nearly giddy. I had been feeling nauseous in the mornings but Bawo refused to check me out until we were on dry land. I couldn't tell David until I was sure. Still, I made love to him with as much vigor as he gave me. I was almost sad when word came that Owusti would be reached in the morning. A week without him in my bed.
He stared at me strangely when I refused to let him go until the last moment. "Liz?"
"I will sneak into the soldiers barracks tonight to see you." I told him.
"No." He shook his head with a smile. "If they see you in there, I'll lose you to someone more handsome and much taller… and…"
"Never happen. You're the most handsome man on the planet. You're the father of my child and I refuse to let anyone even try to entice me away from your arms."
"Liz?" He stared at me with tear-rimmed eyes and it was then I realized what I'd let slip. "Really?"
"Bawo will confirm everything once we're settled in the manor tonight."
"But you think that maybe?" His kiss made me weak in the knees. "Well, we best get the roads cleared so you can get settled."
He escaped the room whistling and smiling and I couldn't wipe the grin off my face. Bawo chided me for getting David's hopes up but I felt it in my bones that I was to give him a child in the winter.
I was seated on the carriage when I heard the gunshots. I hopped off the carriage and moved to the rail. The dust rose into the air and then more gunshots. I heard King Zan shout but I couldn't hear what he said. It wasn't until they drew in the plank that I understood the order. "Davi!"
The boat pulled away from port. Several soldiers leapt on and barely made the gap onto the deck. I searched their faces and turned to the turmoil occurring on the shoreline. Citizens with guns firing at us. Firing at the soldiers still in the city. Starting fires. I clung to the rail long after it all settled. Tears slipped down my face as I waited in my dress. The dress David had bought me. Had told me I looked nothing less than regal in. I stayed there until my dress was soaked in a mixture of tears and milk. Bawo eventually found me and led me away to change my clothes, clean me up and get Avery into my arms to eat.
In the middle of the following day, I was brought onto the deck and led down the plank to examine a row of bodies laid out on the dock. At the end of a row, King Zan was knelt, his hands over the face, his hands glowing slightly. I sank to my knees and waited. When his hands drew away, I saw my husband's face, just as handsome as ever, but pale and unmoving. I heard a wail and it wasn't until I had arms wrapped around me that I realized I was the one wailing. I stared and wailed. He had cuts all over his body but that didn't make sense because his face was flawless.
"Davi…"
"Do you let your servants carry on like this all the time?" A cold voice, colder than I had ever heard, spoke over my head.
"She's lost her husband. I'll allow it." The arms left my body and I fell forward, soaking my clothes with David's blood. "If you had signaled and warned us of riots, I would have never docked here. I wouldn't have lost fifty good men."
"I cannot be blamed for this."
"Yes, you can. There were no riots in Xarla. I have my son on that boat. Your future king and putting his life in danger is a grand offense. If you knew there would be riots, you should have sent a messenger and warned us of the danger. I have to kill 200 of your people. I have to give a third of your lands to Lord Larek."
"You can't do that."
"I am your sovereign. I can do what I like. You will pay restitution to Liz Peyrs."
"What?"
"This soldier was the youngest ever leader of three battalions and he had an excellent career in my service. You will pay his widow restitution for the pay she will no longer get and for the children she will not have by him."
"She will be the highest paid whore in all of Antar." The sharp crack could not make me look up. I couldn't take my eyes away from my husband's face. "You dare strike me? Lady of your lands."
"I dare strike an insolent and ungrateful citizen who has no heart."
"Enough, your highness." Bawo Lodona interrupted them. "Lady Nikas. You will pay Liz Peyrs her due. Her husband has died, leaving her with child. She is to be released from her duties as a nursemaid as she can no longer feed him. It is not the way of our lands to leave a widow penniless." She wrapped her arms around me. "Not one who has served the crown so loyally for four years."
"I will send you her bill." King Zan motioned for the soldiers to pick up the body. "Cremate him and keep his ashes. She will decide where he will be buried." He turned to Lady Nikas, who had severe features. "If you cannot control your people, I will find someone who can."
--
I barely remembered the trip down river after that. I had to be reminded to do my duties. When we began the journey home, I had accepted my loss. My husband's remains were in a canister packed into my trunk, along with as much of his things as I could manage. I would often sit on the deck at night and stare up at the sky full of stars and imagine that he was still with me. Cherin's star twinkled down at me but I had no love for the sacred star any longer. We had prayed on her and he was still taken from me. In my ears, I could hear echoes of his words to me. I love you and forever and always.
King Zan brought Avery and my scarf to me. I had forgotten again about my duties. I hurried to put everything into its place so Avery could feed. I was nearly startled when King Zan touched Avery's cheek so close to my flesh. "I am very sorry about Davi, Liz. He was a good soldier and a very fine man. Where do you want his body interred?"
"In Whittendon."
"Where's that?"
"The far reaches. It was the village he was born in."
"I'll have two markers made. One for the soldier's necropolis and one for Whittendon. I will take you myself." I only nodded to his words. "You will be okay, Liz. I will take care of you. You can stay in the palace for as long as you like, doing whatever you like."
Little Avery slipped from my arms to play on the deck with a spool he'd found. I remembered all those times David and I had played with the little prince in our room and pretended he was ours. I couldn't bear seeing this little part of me and not having even a little part of David for myself. "I'd like to return to my father. Use my compensation to help Parkston."
"As you wish."
Bawo Lodona picked up the little prince and carried him off, babbling children's prayers into his ears. I felt my face smile a little at the thought of my son being so well cared for. At the thought of seeing my father again. At the thought of telling them all I had learned. At telling them about my wonderful husband. I began to cry all over again and didn't even think when King Zan wrapped me up in his arms.
Then I was met with a cold splash and then a loud noise. I fought against my heavy clothes and clawed for the surface. Water filled my lungs moments before I was yanked up. I coughed up the water and drug in the biting night air. I was moving, pulled along by a band around my waist. Water sloshed and splashed into my face. When my eyes focused gain, I could see the remains of our boat on fire and sinking into the water. It looked so far away.
"The current dragged us away." King Zan spoke into my ear and I realized we were sitting on the shore, still half in the water. Once his voice hit my brain, then I heard the echoes of screams and gunfire. "Saboteurs. On my ship."
I stared and stared and gasped. "Avery."
He dropped me and got to his feet, watching the ship as it sank lower and lower. "Avery!" He bellowed. "Avery!"
Present Day. Liz's chambers.
"I don't remember any of that."
"You wouldn't. You were a year and a half… almost two, I think." Liz rocks steadily in her chair, eyes out the window again. "We were inconsolable. We thought you were dead."
20 years ago.
When we had exhausted ourselves shouting for no response, we crawled out of the water and walked. I don't know how far in the rains that poured down on our heads. I vaguely heard something about hiding so that any saboteurs wouldn't find us. The jungles writhed around us and I was afraid to even reach out to examine the huge leaves and vines that hung from massive trees. He stopped our travels when we came to a pocket. A long knife was used to part the veins of a large leaf and to cut off another leaf. I watched him weave the veins together. It wasn't long before we had an umbrella. Soon after a roof. Soon after that, a small hut to shield us from the elements. I helped where I could, remembering the days when my father would thatch our roof.
"Take off your clothes." King Zan said to me as he was pulling off his shirt. "If you stay in those wet things, you'll catch your death."
"It's cold."
"It will get colder if you leave those on." He hung his pants and shirt on a knob that jutted off a tree. "Everything's too wet to get a fire going. We'll have to…" He stopped to look at me. "I'm very sorry but… we'll have to lie together… to keep from freezing."
I did as told, remembering the cool nights at the palace where David would fold me into his arms and I was as warm as I would have been with a pile of blankets. A large, mostly dry, leaf protected us from the muddy ground. We lay together, watching the rain fall into muddy puddles all around our little space. I know I cried. He might have. My hair was drenched already so I could not tell for certain.
Unable to rest, I rolled over to see my king. He stared into nothing and I saw that he had grown up since our unfavorable meeting. His hair had grown back and the child had melted out of his face. I held him against me, stroking his hair and back. If indeed we had lost anything in that night, it was the same thing. It was the same pain.
I felt his lips on my chest, heat against my thigh. With all of the pain I had felt, I needed to feel good. I guided his lips to my nipples, hardened from the cold. His mouth was hot and felt so good, that I gave it all to him. My mouth, my breasts, arms and legs. I opened up for him and let him take solace in me because I needed to feel alive after all the tragedy. I needed to be treated as a wife once more.
As we came together, again and again, there was no pain. Only sensation. Only feeling. Only tangible, life affirming feeling. Kisses were rough and hungry. I could taste my milk on his tongue but didn't have time to think about it before my body exploded and his heat filled me.
We lay still for the longest time. His seed burning inside me, reminding me of what we had just done. Sweat cooled on our bodies but we never said a word. When morning crept into our little hut, he rose off my body and began dressing. I followed suit, unable to feel a thing. I followed him through the jungles blindly. I kept telling myself that it was wrong but I couldn't believe it. Not right but not wrong. Grief had moved our bodies into action. It was nothing more. I would still go home to my people as he promised me I would.
The morning was spent marching toward the nearest town. I never took his hand, not even when it was offered to help me over obstacles in our way. I never stopped walking, not even when my dress became soaked with milk. I had to get to our people so that I could make plans to go home. I was so happy when we finally reached a camp where most of our crew and soldiers were recovering from chills and wounds. He broke into a sprint, asking questions left and right and then I saw it. Queen Ava walking around with my son on her hip, making him laugh and squeal. I was so happy to see that he was okay. Then I saw King Zan take the baby in his arms and exclaim over how worried he had been. I stayed where I was, on my knees, praying my thanks that not everyone I loved died. A group of women took me and cleaned me up, giving me clean clothes and brushing the mud out of my hair.
When I emerged from the tent, I saw him using his shirt to clean something. "Y'Antaru?"
He spun to me and held out the canister. My husband. "A few of your other things were found. I'm having them cleaned. I thought you should have this right away." I saw it in his eyes. The apology. I only nodded and took the ashes from him.
"Are we safe here?"
"Yes, Davi trained his men well. We will be safe here until a transport can be built to get us back home."
"I should check on the prince."
"He is fine. He…" I watched his face turn bright red while he stammered over his words. "He's developed a taste for melon juice. They've been giving him that. If you need to rest…"
"I should still check on him." I brushed passed him and entered the tent where Bawo Lodona was feeding the baby chunks of green and orange melon.
"Our king tells me that you won't be with us much longer." Bawo did not even look up from where she and the baby sat getting messy.
"I would like to stay with him until I go. I need to say goodbye before I don't see him any longer." I said, taking over and softening the melon pieces before letting little Avery have them to suck and chew on with his tiny white teeth.
"Fine. Stay with him." Bawo flipped her hands at me and dug around in the trunks for a bit.
I watched little prince Avery. His dark mop of hair with tiny pieces of mushy melon in it. His pouty lips as he sucked on the mushy bits. His high-pitched squeal of happiness. "She was treating him well, wasn't she, Queen Ava?"
"Because she had to. She was the one in charge of him. I already told her what would happen if something happened to him. She believes me far more than she believes anything Zan says." Bawo hung her crystals around her neck, as if afraid someone would steal them from her trunks. "Perhaps he will grow on her and they will get on as he gets older."
When Avery was done, I took him to the basin to clean him up. He grinned at me. "Yiz."
"Hi." I said to him. Once he was dressed in fresh clothes, I set him on the ground so he could toddle about.
"They are saying that the rain is following her royal highness." Bawo snorted from where she was examining her crystals in the sun. "That she's healing the lands by riding through them. Imbeciles." She turned to face me and frowned with a large pink crystal over her eyes. "Where have you been sleeping, Liz?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Your husband has only been dead a few weeks, Liz. Where have you been sleeping?"
"Next to you." I rolled my eyes, not knowing what she was getting at. I had enough on my mind without her riddles.
"I know Davi did not put a child so young in your belly. Tell me who it was." She gripped my arm hard.
"Ow! What are you talking about?" But I paled. I shut my eyes. I had made a mistake the night before. I had made a very big mistake. I touched my belly. In a few weeks, I would get sick at night again. "Please, no."
"Funny that Davi touched you all the time and you gave him no child but Zan touches you twice and twice you give him child."
"No."
"Y'Antaru!" She called out of the tent and I sank onto a chair with my head in my hands.
Present Day. Liz's chambers.
"Danei?"
"Danei." Liz confirms for me. "We always did think it odd that it happened the way it did."
TBC
12
The Queen of Antar
Makes a promise
Present Day. King Zan's chambers.
Father and I sit and stare at the ceiling while we talk because neither of us can look the other in the eye. "You could not get Mother pregnant… and Liz could not get pregnant by her husband but… spontaneously… you are unerring with her."
"So, it would seem." He agrees with me.
22 years ago.
The first pregnancy was hard. Liz was so upset in those days. She didn't get out of bed for nearly three weeks. I checked in on her constantly and I worried greatly, not only for the health of the baby but for hers. I could not stand to see someone waste away like that when there was no physical reason. I was just wracked with guilt. I probably ate as much as she did. I could have followed my own advice. I sat by her beside at night to make sure she would be okay. One morning I woke up to find her staring at me. I could feel the tears coming as I looked at the hurt in her eyes. "Liz, forgive me. Forgive me."
She just stared at me. "Bosti nila neyda"
When she spoke those Tirera words, I had to call for the Bawo because I couldn't understand her and I needed to know what she was thinking. The words I recognized from her fever but I couldn't be certain. Bawo came right away and cradled the distraught little bath maid. I listened as the priestess told the girl that she had to stay in the palace because of what I had done to her. About the baby inside of her. Liz got very upset and tried to run. I stopped her and let her beat me because I deserved it. I pleaded with her to stay. "Liz, I'm sorry. Forgive me. I'm sorry. I won't hurt you, Liz."
She gave up fighting me when she got tired, so I put her back to bed. She stayed in bed so very long, it seemed. Every night, I laid my hands on her to feel that everything was going as it should be. There was a strain on her body but it could have been the difference in our people. So I helped her along. I had to do something or else she would waste away in bed.
One morning, I realized the date and I made all the arrangements. I had her bathed and dressed and packed for a spring festival in the next village over. Bawo and I argued about it but I was steadfast. Liz needed to have fun. To know that life still went on. "It will be good for her."
"Or she will run away." Bawo hissed at me.
"Where will she run? Where will she go? We'll stay and watch. Happy?"
"What if she tells someone?"
"She didn't even tell you that it happened. I had to." It went on forever it seemed until we reached the field where they had the maypole erected. Just in time for the festivities. I looked to Liz, who stared wistfully out at them all. "Go on." I pointed to the door. "Go on." She bounded out of the carriage and I watched as she made straight for the clearing.
"She's just going to stand there all day. She's a shy girl. This will be too much for her."
"No, look. She's being asked to dance." I pointed. I missed the days of the maypole. Before I hit 14, I could participate but after that, any woman I touched was deemed to be my wife, or my whore, and so I had to refrain from joining in.
"That's the magistrate's son."
"And?"
"He's a lady's man."
"He's 15… and look. She's taller than he is." After the maypole dance was finished. I watched the young man guide Liz through the crowds, making her smile. She pointed towards us. "Do you think he recognizes the carriage?"
"I doubt he recognizes his own name."
"Bawo."
"He's a handsome boy but a little stupid."
I watched the festivities and Bawo napped. Once it got dark, I knew we'd have to retrieve her ourselves. I knew she was still afraid of me. "Bawo… it's time for the fireworks."
"You're like a little boy, Zan. Go on and watch them if you want."
I stood outside the carriage and watched the bright colors flash in the air and felt like a child again. How I had enjoyed these simple things then. I had to go in and get her though. I didn't have time to enjoy my fill of the display.
I stood in the clearing knowing that someone would be sent to greet me soon enough. It was less than five minutes before the magistrate, Jiwa Nenti, bowed at my feet. "Stand, Jiwa. I'm only here to pick up a package."
"Y'Antaru, it is an honor to have you with us on this day. We've had brilliant rains and our crops are nearly as big as they used to be. We expect a large harvest in the fall."
"Sounds very good, Jiwa. I hope your good luck can spread across the lands."
"Yes, sir. Very good, sir. What package?"
"A young girl." Just then I saw the boy and Liz join us. Young Kylo knelt but Liz just stood there. I was about to greet her properly when Jiwa raised his hand to strike. I caught his fist easily and shook my head. I felt Bawo Lodona brush passed me to stand behind Liz.
"This is a young widow. His highness has taken charge of her life and her baby's."
Kylo's head snapped around so fast, I thought his head might spin off. "Yes, she's very helpful and very smart. I hope not to waste her talents once she gives birth."
"Was he a soldier?"
"He was. A good man." I lied. I hated to lie but this man, while someone I thought highly of, was not of the caliber of man I would trust with the truth. "We must go. We all have duties to attend to very early."
"Long live King Zan! Long live Antar!"
We had only got a few steps when Liz stopped still and spun to listen to the chant. Her eyes grew wide and the blood left her face. I did my duty and lifted my hands to the sky, nodding to them that I accepted their praises and the will of the Granilith. I turned to follow Liz and Bawo to the carriage and I could see the same expression on Liz's face. She broke the gaze and rushed to the carriage. She was seated with her face away from us by the time we climbed inside. I tried several times to engage her in conversation, to see how she had enjoyed the festivities but she wouldn't answer me. Bawo either.
When we arrived back at the palace, my train of thought changed because Ava's carriage sat outside, still laden with her trunks. I ran upstairs to my rooms to confront my wife. The rage built up inside of me all over again. "How dare you."
"Zan?" She turned to look at me with her hair perfect and her skin flawless and her clothes freshly made. "Where have you been?"
"I was consoling a little girl you tricked." I ground out between my teeth. "A little girl who was far too young to know a man's touch."
"Please, Zan. She was a whore waiting to happen."
"She was a priestess in training." I used the lie against her the way Bawo had used the lie against me. There was no small satisfaction at seeing her eyes turn wide. "And you used the nectars against us as well. She was bonded to me."
"Impossible. I didn't give her enough to do that."
"You certainly didn't but you gave me enough. She felt everything." I advanced on her, not sure what I was going to do. "She's a child and it was horrific."
"Horrific? Could you not please her either?" I slapped her, hard.
"Listen, whore. You tricked her and me and the Bawo but you won't do so again. You are confined to your rooms for the remainder of your life."
"You can't do that."
"Try to leave these rooms. You won't be able to."
"Zan."
"She's pregnant, Ava. With my child."
"Impossible."
"Very possible. We're not going to let anyone find out about this because you will hang in the square if anyone so much as breathes a word of it outside these walls."
"Zan?" She began to cry. I softened. It didn't do any good to stay angry but I couldn't bear to look at her while she cried.
"You brought this on us. Live with it." I grabbed a pillow and a sheet off the bed and started to the bathing room.
"Where are you going?"
"I can't be in the same room with you."
"But Zan."
"It's done." I bit out. I muttered all the way through the bathing room to Liz's quarters where I spread my makeshift bed on the floor. I was seething but trying to tamp it down so I could get some sleep. After all that had happened, I needed some real rest.
"You're sleeping on the floor? Why?"
"I told her about the baby."
"She's wrong." Bawo spat out and hugged Liz to her body. Liz's eyes were wide as she stared at me.
"You shouldn't sleep on the floor. You can sleep here instead." She whispered. I had to smile at the offer but shook my head. "I want to."
I shook my head at her again. "Liz and the baby need the bed more."
"Ano meda Puswa." She blurted out something to Bawo, who touched her cheek and nodded to whatever she had said. "Ano wisdo yiro ane?" Again the Bawo shook her head. "Ano wisdo… ciswa ane?"
I couldn't understand a word but the Bawo kept shaking her head at Liz. "This is your bed now but Zan will not come to you. He wants to be forgiven, Liz."
"Anto 'I'm sorry'?" Liz looked to the Bawo. "'Forgive me'?"
Bawo sighed heavily and looked at me where I lay on the floor. I could say the words all I wanted. Liz didn't understand them. I just rolled over to attempt sleep. Hopefully I could make her see that I wouldn't hurt her. I could hear Bawo tucking Liz in. Bawo left us alone. I couldn't sleep. In the early morning, I realized that I had forgotten to check on Liz's progress. I put it off a while; wanting her to be awake and alert for it, but then I figured that if she were asleep through the healing, she wouldn't need to be put through the turmoil. I was relieved that when she woke in the midst that she wasn't afraid. I was relieved that she was getting stronger. Perhaps a day in the fresh air had done her well.
I left her alone so I could let the servants into my chambers to serve breakfast. I had to find a way around my meetings so that I could be near to Liz in case something worsened. She had not been as wary of me as before but I could not let my guard down.
I took my breakfast to a corner atop a trunk and listened to Ava's fork scrape her plate. I was content to just ignore her for as long as I had to. Then she had to open her mouth. "How do you know the child is yours?"
"Because she was a virgin, you sow." I swiveled to look at her. "Just because you can't keep your legs closed does not mean it is impossible for the rest of the women on this planet."
"Why do you say such hurtful things to me?"
"Because you deserve them. Do you think I like hating you? I would rather not hate you. I would rather love my wife but I find that impossible to do when she acts like a spoiled brat."
"Must we fight?"
"Shall we make up? Pretend that everything is fine?" I rolled my eyes at her.
"Why did you shave your head?"
"Because I committed a grievous sin. I raped a virgin student of the Granilith."
"Zan, it wasn't…"
"Yes, it was. She didn't know I would be coming to her. She was supposed to have been a woman old enough to have a ten-year-old child. She was supposed to be prepared for me but you were treacherous and your vile soul will burn in the inferno for what you've done. I may have a seat next to yours but I feel bad about what I've done."
"What are you going to do with her?"
I rose from my seat, no longer hungry. "You instigated this whole thing. You poisoned her birthday cake for the Granilith's sake. You switched nectars on me. Switched out the surrogates. Now a sixteen-year-old virgin Granilith student is pregnant with my child. What should I do?" She began to shrink back into the pillows. "Ava, I've thought about this for weeks now. I've told the nurses that you're pregnant. They are not allowed to tend to you. You're sick and have to stay in bed. When her child is born, we will raise it as ours. We will take care of her because it is the right thing to do after what's been done to her. You will not abuse her, you will not see her."
"Did you go to her last night?"
"Yes. I slept in the servant's room… but don't worry, you've been cut off from yours and a new one is being trained now. You will have no visitors. You will go to see no one. Not even your father. I have things to do." I stormed out and found myself in the library where I read for hours. Proclamations and amendments, grievances. It was noon by the time I took a break. Bawo came rushing into the room. "Yes, Bawo?"
"She's gone. The girl is gone. No one's seen her. She's just gone."
"No one saw her? Did she go to breakfast?"
"No one saw her leave the table."
"Call the guards in here." I said. I rattled off a quick description of her and dispatched them all. "Where could she have gone?"
"Maybe she ran away. She could not have gotten far on foot." Bawo took a seat and pulled out the Tirera writings from under a stack of books. "Where did you get this?"
"I meant to read it days ago."
"Where did you get it?"
"One of father's hiding places." I took the book from her and flipped open its pages. "I can't even read it so I don't know why he even has it." The pictures were vague. Something about the Granilith and its uses. "It looks like a primer for the scrolls."
"Maybe. Put it away. Your father would have never left it out." She rose to pace back and forth.
"It's probably nothing. It looks centuries old. We probably have better laws now."
"It's not a law book, Zan. Put it away."
The doors banged open, and Liz was ushered in by a young soldier. "Your highness, Liz Paka."
I almost fell over I turned so fast. "Where did you go, Liz?"
"I went walking." She whispered from behind the soldier. She had gone back to hiding from me.
"You went walking?" I growled before I could check myself. "Liz?"
"Davi found me."
"Davi?"
"Davi Peyrs, Y'Antaru." The soldier introduced himself to me. "She walked pretty far into the fields."
"Cadet Peyrs." I held out my hand for the young man to take. He was hesitant but he took it all the same. "Thank you."
"My honor." Davi bowed his head to me. "Is she in trouble?" I shook my head that she wasn't. I waved her toward the Bawo who was flipping through my books and messing up my studies. "Is she Bawo?"
I stared at the soldier but couldn't think of a thing to tell him. It didn't really matter because he was just a cadet. "Thank you, Cadet Peyrs. Liz is safe because of you."
"Aye, sir." The soldier bowed and turned on his heel to exit. When I turned to look at Liz, she was pouting in a chair and sneaking cookies out of a satchel. I turned my gaze to the Bawo who had the same look on her face. We couldn't control her. We'd have to keep an eye out in case she really decided to run away.
***--
Life didn't change too much. Though Liz seemed to think she had chores to do. Nothing we did could dissuade her from cleaning my bathing room. I was just grateful she didn't seem to think she had to bathe me as well. She kept herself busy but she always returned at night so I let it drop. I had other things to think about. Things I could change. Organizing water trains and relocations and repairing damaged villages. Winds were picking up in the far reaches, turning deserted farms into sand hills. The landscape was changing rapidly and my correspondence with Lord Larek and Lady Nikas suffered. I couldn't in good conscience leave the palace with the precarious situation in my chambers. I had to do what was right for my people but also ensure that nothing in my personal affairs got any worse.
Every night without fail I laid hands on Liz to keep her in good shape. Her color remained healthy and I needed to keep her that way. If I went away, she could suffer and we could lose both mother and child. I had never heard of a Tirera and Antarian child before and there was probably a reason for that. A reason why all the laws are in place. They had to be to protect life.
One night, three weeks after spring festival, I was finishing up my shower when Liz rushed into the bathing room and vomited into the drain. I didn't want to scare her but I stayed to make sure she would be okay. She must have spent an hour purging everything she had eaten from her body. When she was done, I picked her up and carried her to bed. "You're late."
"Late for what?" She groaned, her tone impudent. I ignored her for a moment while I tucked her in and checked her for illness. "I went for a walk."
"You go for a lot of walks, lately. Bawo Lodona is worried about you." I chided and looked her over. Her color, while a little green, was good. She wasn't losing weight but she wasn't putting any on.
"Why because of the baby?" Her tone made me wince. I drew away. She knew that we were concerned about the baby for reasons that were separate from her.
"You'll be getting sick like this for a while."
"What do you want from me? Am I supposed to stay in this room until the baby is born and then what? Will you kill me so you can take him?"
Her words cut me deep. She was a smart girl… a very smart girl. I realized then that we had held an entire conversation in my tongue and she hadn't reverted to her own. "Who's been teaching you?" She didn't answer me and I didn't expect her to. "Keep learning. You're doing well." I sat down to be eye level with her. "You understand me now?" She nodded stiffly, a bit of fear showing in her eyes. "I am sorry for what happened that night. It wasn't supposed to be you in that bed that night. I will pray for your forgiveness though you would be right in withholding it. I will take care of you, Liz Paka. I won't let anything happen to you."
"You'll take the baby, won't you. Will you send me away?"
"I… The baby is a blessing, Liz. You carry the future king of our lands. I am sorry that it has to be this way. I don't know if I will send you away. That is for the Bawo to decide for us." I knew what her fears must be but I hadn't realized the emotion that would be in her voice as she talked about the child. Our child. It would be part of her as well.
"You wouldn't…"
I could see the turmoil in her eyes, in her face. I didn't know what to say to her or what exactly she was afraid of but I remembered what Bawo had said to her the night I started sleeping on the floor. "I never intended to make you my servant that way. I never intended to make love to anyone but my wife. Circumstances have risen and I needed a surrogate for my child. The woman was supposed to be much older. You were not supposed to be there. What Ava did was wrong and she will pay for it every day of her life." I touched her face because I needed her to feel that I wouldn't ever touch her badly again. "You are too young to know the horrors you've seen here."
"I'm 16, your highness. I had to grow up sometime."
"Not like this."
--
Ava and I did not get along at all in those months. She threatened several times to kill herself and me but she never lifted a finger to do so. I put it all out of my mind as empty threats. One night though, I took my pillow and blanket to sleep in Liz's room. It was empty. That wasn't a surprise. Liz had been finding ways to occupy herself more and more. The later it got, the more worried I got. Finally, I got dressed again to find Bawo Lodona, who was preparing for a service a few days later. She hadn't seen the girl since that morning.
I searched every place that I had known Liz to go. The library, the kitchen, the fields. I searched my own chambers. The bathhouse. I questioned Ava, who only smirked at me and went back to sleep. In a panic, I woke five soldiers and had them spread out to look for her. It was dawn when I looked up at the newly erected barn and realized no one had gone near it. It was almost ready to fill with animals, so the door shouldn't have been open. I didn't see anything when I walked in. Then I saw her dress on the ladder. I climbed up and that's when I saw her with a man on top of her. I didn't think. I just acted. I yanked him up and threw him against a wall, holding his throat so he couldn't breathe.
Liz wedged her way between us, begging me to let go of this man who dared to sleep with the mother of my child. "No! No, please! Let him go!"
I could feel her naked flesh touching me as she begged. "Liz, put your clothes on."
"Let him go, he didn't do anything wrong." She pleaded, yanking on my arms but I was too enraged to notice. "If you kill him, you'll kill me." My heart stopped. What was she talking about? "If he dies, I will kill myself."
"Liz, no." The young man gasped out. His eyes were rolling back in his head. I recognized him. He was a soldier.
"Liz, move."
"No." She pulled the pistol out of my belt and held it against her temple "I'll end my life."
I didn't have a choice. I let the soldier go and just watched her. Waiting to see what she would do. As long as she had the pistol, I could do nothing. She was resolved. I could see it in her eyes. I was ever so grateful when the soldier wrapped her dress around her nude body and took the gun away.
"Liz." I didn't know what the soldier knew or what precisely was happening but surely she understood that the mother of my child could not traipse around at night seeing soldiers. "Why didn't you come in, last night?"
"I was busy." She bit out. He whispered something in her ear. "This is my life. It is not yours to control. I cannot live my life in that room and never know anything else, no matter what my circumstances are." There was no way she was going to back down on this but I just could not understand what was going on in her mind. "I do everything you ask of me. I do what you don't ask of me. I need him."
"This isn't just about you." I pleaded and flicked my eyes to her still-flat belly. "You can't do this."
"I can't? I love him. I—" The soldier covered her mouth to stop her words. Then she pulled his hand down and looked me square in the eye. "I'm a married woman now, your highness. I love this man and no matter what hold you have on me, I am entitled to be happy."
Liz was a young and headstrong girl but I still couldn't believe the situation she had landed us in. "Did you tell him?"
She stood very still and I could see that she hadn't told him one word about her situation. "I am here because my Tirera father could not afford to feed me. I am here because you sent your women to my village to take the children as indentured servants. I am here because of a night that I cannot erase and I defy you to stop me from loving my Tirera husband."
I saw fear. In her face. In his face. Mostly his face. I motioned to their little pile of blankets. "Clean up. Meet me in the chapel in twenty minutes."
I walked slowly back through the palace to the chapel where Bawo was waiting. "I found her."
"Where was she?"
"Consummating her marriage in the barn." I sank onto the fountain in the small chapel.
"What?"
"I found her in the new barn with a soldier… after." I looked up at her. "She says she loves him. She's willing to die for him."
"Did she steal nectars and robes?"
"No. From what I could see, there were some flowers, and some blankets… and no clothes."
"We have to make sure they didn't hurt the baby. She can't bond with someone else with your baby inside her."
I paled. I hadn't thought of that. "She didn't tell him about the baby."
"Then you will have to, if she hasn’t already." Bawo stared at me. "You tell him what happened to the cook."
"Bawo…"
"No one will know the difference." We waited and when they arrived, Bawo was quick to bar the doors from the inside. She pushed the soldier to his knees in front of me and the fountain. I watched her take Liz aside and ask her questions. "Our Lord Zan tells me that you got married." Liz nodded. "By whose authority?"
"By the authority bestowed in us by god when he set our people on this planet."
"By Tirera law, then." Bawo sighed and looked to me. It wasn't a proper wedding but I still had my concerns. "There are rules, Liz. Y'Antari law does not recognize Tirera ceremony. Bath maids do not marry soldiers."
"Neither is paid for their hard work. What does it matter?"
"Come with me, Liz. Your king needs to speak to your husband." Bawo steered her into the back bedroom.
"What was your name, cadet?"
"Peyrs. Davi Peyrs." He looked ill.
"Do you love her? Liz Paka?"
"I do, sir." He met my eyes and I had to concede to the strength I saw there. "Forgive us for hiding in your palace."
"The Tirera do not live amongst us for a reason but these are hard times and harder times are just behind us. Liz is safe here. I've known about her status for a while. I won't turn you in because I do believe that you love Liz. She's a wonderful girl." I glanced around at us. "I won't force an Antarian wedding on you but… you will need to tell whoever asks that I made you do it."
"Yes sir."
"How did you plan to take care of her?"
"I just got a promotion. From cadet to platoon leader. I planned to have a house built for her in the village. I would have come forward about the marriage eventually—"
I cut him off. "There is something that you must know about Liz. If you love her, you won't leave her." I watched his blue-grey eyes cloud over with concern. "It happened several weeks ago… A few months ago, maybe… Liz is fond of walks. Nothing can stop her from wandering about."
"Yes, sir." Davi bowed his head with a smile because he knew, just like I did, that Liz would do anything her heart desired so long as she could get away with it. Apparently Liz hadn't given it a thought to just how selfish it was to drag in the poor boy at this point. She rarely spoke to me but I could see that this young man was the reason she had been so much happier. I didn't want to take it away but it needed to be dealt with.
"Liz still likes her walks but I gather she no longer takes them alone."
"No, sir. If she leaves the palace, I go with her. She waits for me."
"I'm sure she cares about you very much Davi. Very much if she tried to spare you this long." I didn't know if I could lie to the boy who seemed so young and trusting. "How old are you?"
"19, sir."
He wasn't much younger than I was. Just four years. "Liz took a walk a few months ago. She went much later than she should have. She was frustrated because she was the Queen's bath maid and it can be a very stressful job, especially with my wife. She didn't look to the time. She didn't keep her eye out. I can't say what happened before I got there but when we noticed she hadn't come to dinner, I went looking. The Queen likes the way Liz does her hair."
"Sir?" I didn't need to finish. Davi already saw the end of my story. "Was she okay?"
"I got there too late to stop it. Liz is pregnant. She is ill because the pregnancy will be a tough one, she being Tirera and the offender being Antarian. I've had her moved to my servant's chambers while she is with us." I rose from my seat to let the boy ponder that over. "If you love her, you won't leave her. Considering everything that's happened to her, she's remained in good spirits… but only of late and I attribute that to you."
"You would take care of a bath maid who was defiled?"
"She wasn’t defiled. She was abused. She was taken against her will but you can see that she is still pure and devout. I care about my people, Davi. This happened in my own city, in my charge."
"Where is he?" The young soldier growled.
"In the inferno."
"Good."
"Take your wife to bed, Davi Peyrs, and remember what I said. If asked, we gave you a proper ceremony in here and that child is yours."
"But…"
"But what? You would have them look at your wife like she is not worthy? You and I both know she is. There's no reason to give someone else a reason to take advantage of her good spirits. She's been up all night, I assume. She needs to rest and you have duties to attend to."
"Yes, your highness."
Present Day. King Zan's Chambers.
"So you never outright told him the truth… or lied to him."
"No… I said enough of the truth. She was trusting. She was taken advantage of and the offender burned in the inferno." Father whispers to me. "I… could not forgive myself for what I had done to her. It must have been painful. The bonding, the… act. Nectar or no, Tirera aren't built for bonding and mating the way Antarians are. She seemed to take to Davi well enough. Her way, without the ceremonies and nectars, agreed with her much better. I was… happy to see her happy."
TBC
Makes a promise
Present Day. King Zan's chambers.
Father and I sit and stare at the ceiling while we talk because neither of us can look the other in the eye. "You could not get Mother pregnant… and Liz could not get pregnant by her husband but… spontaneously… you are unerring with her."
"So, it would seem." He agrees with me.
22 years ago.
The first pregnancy was hard. Liz was so upset in those days. She didn't get out of bed for nearly three weeks. I checked in on her constantly and I worried greatly, not only for the health of the baby but for hers. I could not stand to see someone waste away like that when there was no physical reason. I was just wracked with guilt. I probably ate as much as she did. I could have followed my own advice. I sat by her beside at night to make sure she would be okay. One morning I woke up to find her staring at me. I could feel the tears coming as I looked at the hurt in her eyes. "Liz, forgive me. Forgive me."
She just stared at me. "Bosti nila neyda"
When she spoke those Tirera words, I had to call for the Bawo because I couldn't understand her and I needed to know what she was thinking. The words I recognized from her fever but I couldn't be certain. Bawo came right away and cradled the distraught little bath maid. I listened as the priestess told the girl that she had to stay in the palace because of what I had done to her. About the baby inside of her. Liz got very upset and tried to run. I stopped her and let her beat me because I deserved it. I pleaded with her to stay. "Liz, I'm sorry. Forgive me. I'm sorry. I won't hurt you, Liz."
She gave up fighting me when she got tired, so I put her back to bed. She stayed in bed so very long, it seemed. Every night, I laid my hands on her to feel that everything was going as it should be. There was a strain on her body but it could have been the difference in our people. So I helped her along. I had to do something or else she would waste away in bed.
One morning, I realized the date and I made all the arrangements. I had her bathed and dressed and packed for a spring festival in the next village over. Bawo and I argued about it but I was steadfast. Liz needed to have fun. To know that life still went on. "It will be good for her."
"Or she will run away." Bawo hissed at me.
"Where will she run? Where will she go? We'll stay and watch. Happy?"
"What if she tells someone?"
"She didn't even tell you that it happened. I had to." It went on forever it seemed until we reached the field where they had the maypole erected. Just in time for the festivities. I looked to Liz, who stared wistfully out at them all. "Go on." I pointed to the door. "Go on." She bounded out of the carriage and I watched as she made straight for the clearing.
"She's just going to stand there all day. She's a shy girl. This will be too much for her."
"No, look. She's being asked to dance." I pointed. I missed the days of the maypole. Before I hit 14, I could participate but after that, any woman I touched was deemed to be my wife, or my whore, and so I had to refrain from joining in.
"That's the magistrate's son."
"And?"
"He's a lady's man."
"He's 15… and look. She's taller than he is." After the maypole dance was finished. I watched the young man guide Liz through the crowds, making her smile. She pointed towards us. "Do you think he recognizes the carriage?"
"I doubt he recognizes his own name."
"Bawo."
"He's a handsome boy but a little stupid."
I watched the festivities and Bawo napped. Once it got dark, I knew we'd have to retrieve her ourselves. I knew she was still afraid of me. "Bawo… it's time for the fireworks."
"You're like a little boy, Zan. Go on and watch them if you want."
I stood outside the carriage and watched the bright colors flash in the air and felt like a child again. How I had enjoyed these simple things then. I had to go in and get her though. I didn't have time to enjoy my fill of the display.
I stood in the clearing knowing that someone would be sent to greet me soon enough. It was less than five minutes before the magistrate, Jiwa Nenti, bowed at my feet. "Stand, Jiwa. I'm only here to pick up a package."
"Y'Antaru, it is an honor to have you with us on this day. We've had brilliant rains and our crops are nearly as big as they used to be. We expect a large harvest in the fall."
"Sounds very good, Jiwa. I hope your good luck can spread across the lands."
"Yes, sir. Very good, sir. What package?"
"A young girl." Just then I saw the boy and Liz join us. Young Kylo knelt but Liz just stood there. I was about to greet her properly when Jiwa raised his hand to strike. I caught his fist easily and shook my head. I felt Bawo Lodona brush passed me to stand behind Liz.
"This is a young widow. His highness has taken charge of her life and her baby's."
Kylo's head snapped around so fast, I thought his head might spin off. "Yes, she's very helpful and very smart. I hope not to waste her talents once she gives birth."
"Was he a soldier?"
"He was. A good man." I lied. I hated to lie but this man, while someone I thought highly of, was not of the caliber of man I would trust with the truth. "We must go. We all have duties to attend to very early."
"Long live King Zan! Long live Antar!"
We had only got a few steps when Liz stopped still and spun to listen to the chant. Her eyes grew wide and the blood left her face. I did my duty and lifted my hands to the sky, nodding to them that I accepted their praises and the will of the Granilith. I turned to follow Liz and Bawo to the carriage and I could see the same expression on Liz's face. She broke the gaze and rushed to the carriage. She was seated with her face away from us by the time we climbed inside. I tried several times to engage her in conversation, to see how she had enjoyed the festivities but she wouldn't answer me. Bawo either.
When we arrived back at the palace, my train of thought changed because Ava's carriage sat outside, still laden with her trunks. I ran upstairs to my rooms to confront my wife. The rage built up inside of me all over again. "How dare you."
"Zan?" She turned to look at me with her hair perfect and her skin flawless and her clothes freshly made. "Where have you been?"
"I was consoling a little girl you tricked." I ground out between my teeth. "A little girl who was far too young to know a man's touch."
"Please, Zan. She was a whore waiting to happen."
"She was a priestess in training." I used the lie against her the way Bawo had used the lie against me. There was no small satisfaction at seeing her eyes turn wide. "And you used the nectars against us as well. She was bonded to me."
"Impossible. I didn't give her enough to do that."
"You certainly didn't but you gave me enough. She felt everything." I advanced on her, not sure what I was going to do. "She's a child and it was horrific."
"Horrific? Could you not please her either?" I slapped her, hard.
"Listen, whore. You tricked her and me and the Bawo but you won't do so again. You are confined to your rooms for the remainder of your life."
"You can't do that."
"Try to leave these rooms. You won't be able to."
"Zan."
"She's pregnant, Ava. With my child."
"Impossible."
"Very possible. We're not going to let anyone find out about this because you will hang in the square if anyone so much as breathes a word of it outside these walls."
"Zan?" She began to cry. I softened. It didn't do any good to stay angry but I couldn't bear to look at her while she cried.
"You brought this on us. Live with it." I grabbed a pillow and a sheet off the bed and started to the bathing room.
"Where are you going?"
"I can't be in the same room with you."
"But Zan."
"It's done." I bit out. I muttered all the way through the bathing room to Liz's quarters where I spread my makeshift bed on the floor. I was seething but trying to tamp it down so I could get some sleep. After all that had happened, I needed some real rest.
"You're sleeping on the floor? Why?"
"I told her about the baby."
"She's wrong." Bawo spat out and hugged Liz to her body. Liz's eyes were wide as she stared at me.
"You shouldn't sleep on the floor. You can sleep here instead." She whispered. I had to smile at the offer but shook my head. "I want to."
I shook my head at her again. "Liz and the baby need the bed more."
"Ano meda Puswa." She blurted out something to Bawo, who touched her cheek and nodded to whatever she had said. "Ano wisdo yiro ane?" Again the Bawo shook her head. "Ano wisdo… ciswa ane?"
I couldn't understand a word but the Bawo kept shaking her head at Liz. "This is your bed now but Zan will not come to you. He wants to be forgiven, Liz."
"Anto 'I'm sorry'?" Liz looked to the Bawo. "'Forgive me'?"
Bawo sighed heavily and looked at me where I lay on the floor. I could say the words all I wanted. Liz didn't understand them. I just rolled over to attempt sleep. Hopefully I could make her see that I wouldn't hurt her. I could hear Bawo tucking Liz in. Bawo left us alone. I couldn't sleep. In the early morning, I realized that I had forgotten to check on Liz's progress. I put it off a while; wanting her to be awake and alert for it, but then I figured that if she were asleep through the healing, she wouldn't need to be put through the turmoil. I was relieved that when she woke in the midst that she wasn't afraid. I was relieved that she was getting stronger. Perhaps a day in the fresh air had done her well.
I left her alone so I could let the servants into my chambers to serve breakfast. I had to find a way around my meetings so that I could be near to Liz in case something worsened. She had not been as wary of me as before but I could not let my guard down.
I took my breakfast to a corner atop a trunk and listened to Ava's fork scrape her plate. I was content to just ignore her for as long as I had to. Then she had to open her mouth. "How do you know the child is yours?"
"Because she was a virgin, you sow." I swiveled to look at her. "Just because you can't keep your legs closed does not mean it is impossible for the rest of the women on this planet."
"Why do you say such hurtful things to me?"
"Because you deserve them. Do you think I like hating you? I would rather not hate you. I would rather love my wife but I find that impossible to do when she acts like a spoiled brat."
"Must we fight?"
"Shall we make up? Pretend that everything is fine?" I rolled my eyes at her.
"Why did you shave your head?"
"Because I committed a grievous sin. I raped a virgin student of the Granilith."
"Zan, it wasn't…"
"Yes, it was. She didn't know I would be coming to her. She was supposed to have been a woman old enough to have a ten-year-old child. She was supposed to be prepared for me but you were treacherous and your vile soul will burn in the inferno for what you've done. I may have a seat next to yours but I feel bad about what I've done."
"What are you going to do with her?"
I rose from my seat, no longer hungry. "You instigated this whole thing. You poisoned her birthday cake for the Granilith's sake. You switched nectars on me. Switched out the surrogates. Now a sixteen-year-old virgin Granilith student is pregnant with my child. What should I do?" She began to shrink back into the pillows. "Ava, I've thought about this for weeks now. I've told the nurses that you're pregnant. They are not allowed to tend to you. You're sick and have to stay in bed. When her child is born, we will raise it as ours. We will take care of her because it is the right thing to do after what's been done to her. You will not abuse her, you will not see her."
"Did you go to her last night?"
"Yes. I slept in the servant's room… but don't worry, you've been cut off from yours and a new one is being trained now. You will have no visitors. You will go to see no one. Not even your father. I have things to do." I stormed out and found myself in the library where I read for hours. Proclamations and amendments, grievances. It was noon by the time I took a break. Bawo came rushing into the room. "Yes, Bawo?"
"She's gone. The girl is gone. No one's seen her. She's just gone."
"No one saw her? Did she go to breakfast?"
"No one saw her leave the table."
"Call the guards in here." I said. I rattled off a quick description of her and dispatched them all. "Where could she have gone?"
"Maybe she ran away. She could not have gotten far on foot." Bawo took a seat and pulled out the Tirera writings from under a stack of books. "Where did you get this?"
"I meant to read it days ago."
"Where did you get it?"
"One of father's hiding places." I took the book from her and flipped open its pages. "I can't even read it so I don't know why he even has it." The pictures were vague. Something about the Granilith and its uses. "It looks like a primer for the scrolls."
"Maybe. Put it away. Your father would have never left it out." She rose to pace back and forth.
"It's probably nothing. It looks centuries old. We probably have better laws now."
"It's not a law book, Zan. Put it away."
The doors banged open, and Liz was ushered in by a young soldier. "Your highness, Liz Paka."
I almost fell over I turned so fast. "Where did you go, Liz?"
"I went walking." She whispered from behind the soldier. She had gone back to hiding from me.
"You went walking?" I growled before I could check myself. "Liz?"
"Davi found me."
"Davi?"
"Davi Peyrs, Y'Antaru." The soldier introduced himself to me. "She walked pretty far into the fields."
"Cadet Peyrs." I held out my hand for the young man to take. He was hesitant but he took it all the same. "Thank you."
"My honor." Davi bowed his head to me. "Is she in trouble?" I shook my head that she wasn't. I waved her toward the Bawo who was flipping through my books and messing up my studies. "Is she Bawo?"
I stared at the soldier but couldn't think of a thing to tell him. It didn't really matter because he was just a cadet. "Thank you, Cadet Peyrs. Liz is safe because of you."
"Aye, sir." The soldier bowed and turned on his heel to exit. When I turned to look at Liz, she was pouting in a chair and sneaking cookies out of a satchel. I turned my gaze to the Bawo who had the same look on her face. We couldn't control her. We'd have to keep an eye out in case she really decided to run away.
***--
Life didn't change too much. Though Liz seemed to think she had chores to do. Nothing we did could dissuade her from cleaning my bathing room. I was just grateful she didn't seem to think she had to bathe me as well. She kept herself busy but she always returned at night so I let it drop. I had other things to think about. Things I could change. Organizing water trains and relocations and repairing damaged villages. Winds were picking up in the far reaches, turning deserted farms into sand hills. The landscape was changing rapidly and my correspondence with Lord Larek and Lady Nikas suffered. I couldn't in good conscience leave the palace with the precarious situation in my chambers. I had to do what was right for my people but also ensure that nothing in my personal affairs got any worse.
Every night without fail I laid hands on Liz to keep her in good shape. Her color remained healthy and I needed to keep her that way. If I went away, she could suffer and we could lose both mother and child. I had never heard of a Tirera and Antarian child before and there was probably a reason for that. A reason why all the laws are in place. They had to be to protect life.
One night, three weeks after spring festival, I was finishing up my shower when Liz rushed into the bathing room and vomited into the drain. I didn't want to scare her but I stayed to make sure she would be okay. She must have spent an hour purging everything she had eaten from her body. When she was done, I picked her up and carried her to bed. "You're late."
"Late for what?" She groaned, her tone impudent. I ignored her for a moment while I tucked her in and checked her for illness. "I went for a walk."
"You go for a lot of walks, lately. Bawo Lodona is worried about you." I chided and looked her over. Her color, while a little green, was good. She wasn't losing weight but she wasn't putting any on.
"Why because of the baby?" Her tone made me wince. I drew away. She knew that we were concerned about the baby for reasons that were separate from her.
"You'll be getting sick like this for a while."
"What do you want from me? Am I supposed to stay in this room until the baby is born and then what? Will you kill me so you can take him?"
Her words cut me deep. She was a smart girl… a very smart girl. I realized then that we had held an entire conversation in my tongue and she hadn't reverted to her own. "Who's been teaching you?" She didn't answer me and I didn't expect her to. "Keep learning. You're doing well." I sat down to be eye level with her. "You understand me now?" She nodded stiffly, a bit of fear showing in her eyes. "I am sorry for what happened that night. It wasn't supposed to be you in that bed that night. I will pray for your forgiveness though you would be right in withholding it. I will take care of you, Liz Paka. I won't let anything happen to you."
"You'll take the baby, won't you. Will you send me away?"
"I… The baby is a blessing, Liz. You carry the future king of our lands. I am sorry that it has to be this way. I don't know if I will send you away. That is for the Bawo to decide for us." I knew what her fears must be but I hadn't realized the emotion that would be in her voice as she talked about the child. Our child. It would be part of her as well.
"You wouldn't…"
I could see the turmoil in her eyes, in her face. I didn't know what to say to her or what exactly she was afraid of but I remembered what Bawo had said to her the night I started sleeping on the floor. "I never intended to make you my servant that way. I never intended to make love to anyone but my wife. Circumstances have risen and I needed a surrogate for my child. The woman was supposed to be much older. You were not supposed to be there. What Ava did was wrong and she will pay for it every day of her life." I touched her face because I needed her to feel that I wouldn't ever touch her badly again. "You are too young to know the horrors you've seen here."
"I'm 16, your highness. I had to grow up sometime."
"Not like this."
--
Ava and I did not get along at all in those months. She threatened several times to kill herself and me but she never lifted a finger to do so. I put it all out of my mind as empty threats. One night though, I took my pillow and blanket to sleep in Liz's room. It was empty. That wasn't a surprise. Liz had been finding ways to occupy herself more and more. The later it got, the more worried I got. Finally, I got dressed again to find Bawo Lodona, who was preparing for a service a few days later. She hadn't seen the girl since that morning.
I searched every place that I had known Liz to go. The library, the kitchen, the fields. I searched my own chambers. The bathhouse. I questioned Ava, who only smirked at me and went back to sleep. In a panic, I woke five soldiers and had them spread out to look for her. It was dawn when I looked up at the newly erected barn and realized no one had gone near it. It was almost ready to fill with animals, so the door shouldn't have been open. I didn't see anything when I walked in. Then I saw her dress on the ladder. I climbed up and that's when I saw her with a man on top of her. I didn't think. I just acted. I yanked him up and threw him against a wall, holding his throat so he couldn't breathe.
Liz wedged her way between us, begging me to let go of this man who dared to sleep with the mother of my child. "No! No, please! Let him go!"
I could feel her naked flesh touching me as she begged. "Liz, put your clothes on."
"Let him go, he didn't do anything wrong." She pleaded, yanking on my arms but I was too enraged to notice. "If you kill him, you'll kill me." My heart stopped. What was she talking about? "If he dies, I will kill myself."
"Liz, no." The young man gasped out. His eyes were rolling back in his head. I recognized him. He was a soldier.
"Liz, move."
"No." She pulled the pistol out of my belt and held it against her temple "I'll end my life."
I didn't have a choice. I let the soldier go and just watched her. Waiting to see what she would do. As long as she had the pistol, I could do nothing. She was resolved. I could see it in her eyes. I was ever so grateful when the soldier wrapped her dress around her nude body and took the gun away.
"Liz." I didn't know what the soldier knew or what precisely was happening but surely she understood that the mother of my child could not traipse around at night seeing soldiers. "Why didn't you come in, last night?"
"I was busy." She bit out. He whispered something in her ear. "This is my life. It is not yours to control. I cannot live my life in that room and never know anything else, no matter what my circumstances are." There was no way she was going to back down on this but I just could not understand what was going on in her mind. "I do everything you ask of me. I do what you don't ask of me. I need him."
"This isn't just about you." I pleaded and flicked my eyes to her still-flat belly. "You can't do this."
"I can't? I love him. I—" The soldier covered her mouth to stop her words. Then she pulled his hand down and looked me square in the eye. "I'm a married woman now, your highness. I love this man and no matter what hold you have on me, I am entitled to be happy."
Liz was a young and headstrong girl but I still couldn't believe the situation she had landed us in. "Did you tell him?"
She stood very still and I could see that she hadn't told him one word about her situation. "I am here because my Tirera father could not afford to feed me. I am here because you sent your women to my village to take the children as indentured servants. I am here because of a night that I cannot erase and I defy you to stop me from loving my Tirera husband."
I saw fear. In her face. In his face. Mostly his face. I motioned to their little pile of blankets. "Clean up. Meet me in the chapel in twenty minutes."
I walked slowly back through the palace to the chapel where Bawo was waiting. "I found her."
"Where was she?"
"Consummating her marriage in the barn." I sank onto the fountain in the small chapel.
"What?"
"I found her in the new barn with a soldier… after." I looked up at her. "She says she loves him. She's willing to die for him."
"Did she steal nectars and robes?"
"No. From what I could see, there were some flowers, and some blankets… and no clothes."
"We have to make sure they didn't hurt the baby. She can't bond with someone else with your baby inside her."
I paled. I hadn't thought of that. "She didn't tell him about the baby."
"Then you will have to, if she hasn’t already." Bawo stared at me. "You tell him what happened to the cook."
"Bawo…"
"No one will know the difference." We waited and when they arrived, Bawo was quick to bar the doors from the inside. She pushed the soldier to his knees in front of me and the fountain. I watched her take Liz aside and ask her questions. "Our Lord Zan tells me that you got married." Liz nodded. "By whose authority?"
"By the authority bestowed in us by god when he set our people on this planet."
"By Tirera law, then." Bawo sighed and looked to me. It wasn't a proper wedding but I still had my concerns. "There are rules, Liz. Y'Antari law does not recognize Tirera ceremony. Bath maids do not marry soldiers."
"Neither is paid for their hard work. What does it matter?"
"Come with me, Liz. Your king needs to speak to your husband." Bawo steered her into the back bedroom.
"What was your name, cadet?"
"Peyrs. Davi Peyrs." He looked ill.
"Do you love her? Liz Paka?"
"I do, sir." He met my eyes and I had to concede to the strength I saw there. "Forgive us for hiding in your palace."
"The Tirera do not live amongst us for a reason but these are hard times and harder times are just behind us. Liz is safe here. I've known about her status for a while. I won't turn you in because I do believe that you love Liz. She's a wonderful girl." I glanced around at us. "I won't force an Antarian wedding on you but… you will need to tell whoever asks that I made you do it."
"Yes sir."
"How did you plan to take care of her?"
"I just got a promotion. From cadet to platoon leader. I planned to have a house built for her in the village. I would have come forward about the marriage eventually—"
I cut him off. "There is something that you must know about Liz. If you love her, you won't leave her." I watched his blue-grey eyes cloud over with concern. "It happened several weeks ago… A few months ago, maybe… Liz is fond of walks. Nothing can stop her from wandering about."
"Yes, sir." Davi bowed his head with a smile because he knew, just like I did, that Liz would do anything her heart desired so long as she could get away with it. Apparently Liz hadn't given it a thought to just how selfish it was to drag in the poor boy at this point. She rarely spoke to me but I could see that this young man was the reason she had been so much happier. I didn't want to take it away but it needed to be dealt with.
"Liz still likes her walks but I gather she no longer takes them alone."
"No, sir. If she leaves the palace, I go with her. She waits for me."
"I'm sure she cares about you very much Davi. Very much if she tried to spare you this long." I didn't know if I could lie to the boy who seemed so young and trusting. "How old are you?"
"19, sir."
He wasn't much younger than I was. Just four years. "Liz took a walk a few months ago. She went much later than she should have. She was frustrated because she was the Queen's bath maid and it can be a very stressful job, especially with my wife. She didn't look to the time. She didn't keep her eye out. I can't say what happened before I got there but when we noticed she hadn't come to dinner, I went looking. The Queen likes the way Liz does her hair."
"Sir?" I didn't need to finish. Davi already saw the end of my story. "Was she okay?"
"I got there too late to stop it. Liz is pregnant. She is ill because the pregnancy will be a tough one, she being Tirera and the offender being Antarian. I've had her moved to my servant's chambers while she is with us." I rose from my seat to let the boy ponder that over. "If you love her, you won't leave her. Considering everything that's happened to her, she's remained in good spirits… but only of late and I attribute that to you."
"You would take care of a bath maid who was defiled?"
"She wasn’t defiled. She was abused. She was taken against her will but you can see that she is still pure and devout. I care about my people, Davi. This happened in my own city, in my charge."
"Where is he?" The young soldier growled.
"In the inferno."
"Good."
"Take your wife to bed, Davi Peyrs, and remember what I said. If asked, we gave you a proper ceremony in here and that child is yours."
"But…"
"But what? You would have them look at your wife like she is not worthy? You and I both know she is. There's no reason to give someone else a reason to take advantage of her good spirits. She's been up all night, I assume. She needs to rest and you have duties to attend to."
"Yes, your highness."
Present Day. King Zan's Chambers.
"So you never outright told him the truth… or lied to him."
"No… I said enough of the truth. She was trusting. She was taken advantage of and the offender burned in the inferno." Father whispers to me. "I… could not forgive myself for what I had done to her. It must have been painful. The bonding, the… act. Nectar or no, Tirera aren't built for bonding and mating the way Antarians are. She seemed to take to Davi well enough. Her way, without the ceremonies and nectars, agreed with her much better. I was… happy to see her happy."
TBC
The Queen of Antar
Adjusts to Motherhood
Present Day. King Zan's chambers.
"I try not to act differently but I feel as if I should." I confess to my father.
"I know what you mean. Those months, knowing it was my child in her womb… I had… appointed myself husband, protector at the least, and when she took one of her own… I was hurt. It wasn't intentional but I felt slighted."
21 years ago.
I kept Ava in our room; in bed most of the time. When I visited with her, she was hostile. When I opened up the barriers to let her out, sometimes she stayed in bed just to spite me. I did feel bad about the way I acted towards her but I couldn't let go of my anger. I would rise, shower, see her through breakfast and then head downstairs. I would check on her, check on Liz and then make my bed on the floor of my bathroom, I was actually glad that Liz kept it as clean as she did because I could recall times I allowed it to get pretty dirty, just to maintain my privacy.
I began to feel shut out of my impending child's life. I could hear Liz and Davi talking to each other. About life, love and their child. He had adopted the child in her womb. He was better than I had given him credit for. He loved her, wholeheartedly. With his mind, his soul and probably his body and I couldn't bear to listen to that, so I often found myself asleep in Ava's bathroom so I wouldn't have to hear it.
When the water train was completed, I should have seen it to the far reaches myself but I couldn't let myself wander too far from Liz. When Davi's regiment left with the train, I resumed my place on her floor. I had grown complacent. I was awakened one morning by Liz's screaming. By the time my eyes opened, my wife had plunged a dagger into the bed where Liz slept. Liz, in her increasing girth, had barely managed to clear the bed in time.
I didn't even have to think. I dragged her away and pinned her to the floor. She struggled with me and so I slapped her as hard as I could. The spot turned white and then began filling with blood. "If that child dies, I will kill you."
"No one will ever believe a child so dark came from me." She spat in my face; droplets of blood signaling that I had managed to cut the inside of her mouth when I slapped her.
"This is your fault, Ava. All your doing. If you had just followed the rules, we would not be here. If you hadn't tricked that sweet child, she would not be having my child. If you had kept your legs closed, I might still be enticed to visit your bed." I held her hands over her head and straddled her legs so she couldn't struggle. She would be forced to listen to me for once. "The only reason I don't get rid of you is your father. If you die, he will investigate. If you tell him I plan to kill you the second he dies, I will expose you for the whore you are. All I need you for is to placate the delusional. I could rule without a queen. I don't need you. You are window-dressing. I could have another queen within a year if you should die of sickness."
"If I kill her, the lies would be done with, Zan. You could have your perfect little world." She hissed at me. For a second, I considered her words. The way I had considered her promises of love when I was so infatuated with her four years before. To marry a woman out of the approved station because she swore to love me like no other.
"I can't trust you in my servant's room. I can't trust you in my bathing room. I think you shall be confined to your bed. I'll enclose the barriers so that you'll have to use a chamber pot in bed. Nothing in and nothing out. A servant from my father's regime will empty it for you. If you ever threaten the life of the future king again, I will hang you for treason in the square. I won't even hesitate to tell your father what you've become. I'll make sure that the name Ava becomes synonymous with filth."
I saw the understanding in her eyes and forced her to her feet. I shoved her through the doorway and nodded my apologies to Liz. I escorted my wife to the chapel and while she was there, I reconfigured all the barriers. Locking her out of her servant's room, out of my bathing room… and then to prevent her from leaving once inside or from having visitors, I set barriers on her very bed. I would be around to ensure that nothing escaped my attention.
--
On a day that was completely glorious, I sat outside and enjoyed the rain. The downpour would no doubt create a flood in some places but it meant that the drought was over. Bawo stood under an eave and examined me with her crystals because she thought I was losing my mind. "It's a good day, Bawo."
"Perhaps. There is something wrong with your color. Come in and dry off." I waited to go in. I needed to enjoy the gift the Granilith had given us. Fat drops of rain colliding with the earth in muddy puddles. The walk to my rooms was a slow one as I didn't want to see my wife. When I pulled fresh clothes out of my trunks, Bawo rushed in and ordered my wife's servants out. I quickly changed and waited for her to enlighten me. "It's time. Your son is coming."
I rushed into the room where Liz was already beneath a sheet and crying out in pain. I climbed onto the bed behind her and helped to ease her pain. I had to pace myself or else be useless when the real pain set in. I watched Bawo move around readying the sacred implements and I prayed silently for a swift birth. Liz began screaming and a slew of words I didn't understand gripped my heart. Whatever they were couldn't have been good. When the baby was born, finally, Liz slumped in my arms so I did my best to revive her. I attended Bawo for the birthing rights and prayers and then I held my son in my arms. He was beautiful. Dark hair on his crown… and he was so small in my arms. I was in love that second. I could feel tears pricking at my eyes but when I heard Liz sobbing, my attention shifted.
I realized then that it wasn't the pain. It was the heartache. I loved my child… and so did she because it was her child too. I didn't know what else to do so I sat beside her and tried to talk to her once she was calm. "My son needs a name. What is this word you keep saying?"
"Davi wanted to name the baby after his father but it is not our baby to name."
"What was his name?"
"Avery Pierce."
"Avery is a fine name." I whispered to my newborn son. I carried him away to the crib that waited in my chambers but I couldn't let him out of my arms.
"Is it ugly?" Ava asked from where she lay in bed. Bawo had already done away with the padding we used to cover her lack of condition.
"He is beautiful. Prince Avery of Antar." I spoke mostly to the child in my arms.
"Avery. I like it. Like Ava but not feminine." She mused aloud.
I ignored her narcissism. "He will grow strong and lead his people with pride and fairness."
"You will make him weak with your wishes."
"You call it weak but his compassion will be his strength… just as it is mine."
"Yours." She snorted.
"Maybe I am weak for keeping you around to remind me what I surround myself with out there but you are alive. My father would have killed you, the way he did his first wife." She said nothing to that because she had not known. All of Antar thought the disease had killed his first wife but father had told me she had offended him in some way and he had put her to death. He never showed any remorse over it when he had told me the story. "You could be dead but I let you live because today, I have my heir. I could dispose of you at any moment, now. Any moment at all."
The nurses brought my son the finest milk from the best cows, goats and even a camel. Avery would have none. He didn't scream but he cried quietly in his crib or in my arms or in the Bawo's arms for hours. He slept fitfully or not at all. I was in tears when Bawo Lodona picked him up and walked through the bathing room to Liz.
The crying ceased. My son ate. My son slept. I made her the official nursemaid. I was advised against it by the head nurse because of the loss Liz had just recently had. I said I knew of her loss and I knew her well. Liz would make an excellent and impartial nursemaid for the prince. I never heard another comment about it. One day, I took him to her and found her husband had returned. It was obvious they had been crying and I almost took him away. I thought he would say something but he sat back and watched her. I watched his eyes turn soft with love and I envied him. The King of Antar envied a soldier. A platoon leader. "Thank god I have found a good woman with so much love and understanding in her heart."
"She is a good woman with an open heart." I told him, my heart weary because I had no such woman in my bed. "To thank her, I honored the memory of her child by naming my own the same." My loyal servant turned away from me, I thought in anger until he turned back with tears in his eyes and pledged his and his family's everlasting loyalty. I was humbled in those moments that words could have such an effect on me. A promise to serve felt like an oath of love. I mumbled something about congratulations on marriage or service and took my son to return to my cold marriage bed where I cried like a baby while my son slept in my arms.
--
My life returned to normal. Meetings and rulings and judgments but I had a reason to get up and a reason to make it all better aside from just wanting to. I had an heir, a legacy to leave. Something to make him proud of. My father had let me down enough; I wouldn't do the same to my child.
At night, I slept in a cot next to the royal crib and listened to the echoes of Liz and Davi. They whispered to each other, made love to each other and I… cared for my child. I took him to her for feedings. When I absolutely could not be distracted in a meeting. When I needed to sleep for a bit. I felt like I was just a carrier for the child. When I went away, I knew he would be cared for. When I returned, I had news from my wife that the child did not sleep in his crib. I showed him off at every opportunity, trying to stake my claim on him for fear I would return to find him gone, made a part of another family.
I often took him to claims court to hear pleas. I thought it would make him a fair man. I also liked to have him on my lap, just napping or sucking on my little finger. Knowing that he loved me somewhere in his baby heart. I needed that affirmation of my spirit because I was dying slowly. I had only my son and my kingdom. I did not have any love for my wife. I could not enjoy seeing her in bed resting after a night of lovemaking as I knew Davi enjoyed with his wife. If I could barely coax Ava to hold the child, I could not expect her to love him as I did. She often told me she could not. It didn't stop me from trying.
Many times, I would enter my bedchambers to find Liz breastfeeding and Ava saying horrible things to her. Liz took it all in stride and focused on Avery's mealtime. I admired her sense of being. She had nothing to say to the remarks because they were vindictive and baseless. When I explained that we would be making a trip to see the lords and ladies of the land, I did not expect her first words to be that she wanted her husband along. There was no reason for me to leave him behind. If any regiment accompanied us, it would be his. I would suffer knowing that at least one man in all the land had his dream of love and happiness.
**--
I endured the loading of the ship. I was in a wretched mood. Ava dozed on deck next to me. I could hear Liz and Bawo whispering behind me and I was in so foul a mood, their cheer made me worse. I was liable to lash out at the next person to address me. The trip was uneventful, which meant absolute boredom. The air was thick with moisture, the boat smelled of rotted fish. I was near to seasick. The only cheer I had was my son, who wobbled about on deck. Who babbled nonsense to me. Who always smiled at me, whether or not I was ready for it. Often, at night, Bawo joined me on deck to watch the stars. She told me stories about them the way she did when I was a child. I got no rest but I had some peace of mind.
When we reached Lord Larek's lands, I was very glad to get off that boat. Nothing could pull me down. Not Ava's snide remarks, not Larek's wife's snobbery. I put my thoughts where they belonged. On my people. On the progress that Larek had made. Xarla had come the furthest since the sickness and I wholeheartedly believed that it was due to Larek's efforts to implement my laws. The stay was wretched. I had to sleep in the bed with Ava so no one got suspicious. I wouldn't speak to her and all of her efforts were lost on me. I hardly slept a wink that whole week. I love Larek like family but his wife was a poor choice and I could only say that knowing my own wife behind closed doors.
The day we left Xarla for Owusti, I nearly leapt for joy. I had sent my messenger on ahead to let Lady Nikas know we were coming. I expected to find her lands as well adjusted as Larek's. The day we arrived, it was clear and I expected smooth sailing.
I ignored Liz and Bawo's bickering behind me. The gunshots broke my peace. I thought they were in my head. When Liz moved to the rail, I knew that my peace was the least important. Dust rose above the city. Two soldiers backed their way to the ship with their pistols firing. "Raise the plank!" I shouted. My men were not equipped for riots. I shrugged my robes off and grabbed my pistol. I joined in the defense of our boat, firing at citizens enraged beyond control.
When the fire died down, the city was in flames and the night was nearly as bright as day. I knew then that many of my men had died, as well as the citizens. At dawn, I met Lady Nikas on the dock. "How do you explain this?"
"Explain what? They were mad. Driven crazy by the sickness."
"I know. They killed my men. Why? I sent word that we were coming. Why did you not resolve conflicts then?"
"They do not like the way you run this world."
"It is mine to run as I see fit. It is your job to see that my laws are upheld… or do I need to swear you in again to remind you of your duties. I want my men on this dock in one hour. You have one hour to retrieve them for identification and I know how many and who. I want witnesses to identify the murderers here in your realm."
"Witnesses? Did you see the mob?"
"I did. These were my personal guard. They accompany me all over. I know them by name. I want them accounted for." I paced the dock and watched the bodies lined up. Fifty in total. Then I saw him, the stitching on his uniform identifying him as Battalion leader four. Dark hair matted to his face with blood, clothes soaked through, and his face utterly unrecognizable. I picked up his pistol and found it empty. His reserves were all gone. I looked to Battalion leader one. "Retrieve Liz Peyrs from Bawo Lodona's quarters. I've found her husband."
"What's special about this one?"
"I often socialize with him outside of court." I replied to Nikas's question. I hurriedly covered his face with my hands. I couldn't let Liz see him that way. I felt her arrive too soon, but I had to finish. Her keen when she saw his face, chilled me to the bone. I wrapped my arms around her but she wailed on.
"Do you let your servants carry on like this all the time?" Her voice grated on my last nerve. I had had it with Owusti and its people, especially its ruler.
"She's lost her husband. I'll allow it." I stood to face the lady. She had been selected years ago when my father was still in his prime. I had always felt her to be a mistake. "If you had signaled and warned us of riots, I would have never docked here. I wouldn't have lost fifty good men."
"I cannot be blamed for this." She blinked at me. Those green eyes widened. I wanted to pluck them from her skull.
"Yes, you can. There were no riots in Xarla. I have my son on that boat." I pointed the ship behind us. "Your future king and putting his life in danger is a grand offense. If you knew there would be riots, you should have sent a messenger and warned us of the danger. I have to kill 200 of your people. I have to give a third of your lands to Lord Larek."
"You can't do that."
"I am your sovereign. I can do what I like. You will pay restitution to Liz Peyrs."
"What?"
"This soldier was the youngest ever leader of three battalions and he had an excellent career in my service. You will pay his widow restitution for the pay she will no longer get and for the children she will not have by him."
"She will be the highest paid whore in all of Antar." The crack sounded before I realized I had even moved. "You dare strike me? Lady of your lands."
"I dare strike an insolent and ungrateful citizen who has no heart."
"Enough, your highness." Bawo Lodona interrupted us before I could strike her again. "Lady Nikas. You will pay Liz Peyrs her due. Her husband has died, leaving her with child. She is to be released from her duties as a nursemaid as she can no longer feed him. It is not the way of our lands to leave a widow penniless." Bawo knelt to see to Liz, who was still weeping uncontrollably. "Not one who has served the crown so loyally for four years."
"I will send you her bill." I waved my hand and my soldiers picked up the body. "Cremate him and keep his ashes. She will decide where he will be buried." I made myself look Lady Nikas in the eye. "If you cannot control your people, I will find someone who can."
The ship was to continue down the river to allow me to survey the remainder of the lands. It took a week to reach the end. We completed the length without further incident and doubled back to return. I spent my time running inventory of my resources, depleted by our time in Owusti. More than once, I spied Ava and Bawo Lodona on the deck, arguing fiercely with my son in one or the other's arms. I hated to spend so much time apart from him but we were hemorrhaging men.
Two weeks into the trip upstream, I made time for my son, playing with him until he laughed almost too hard. When it was time to feed, I hunted for Liz but couldn't find her in her quarters. I rounded up her scarf and my child and began searching the deck. I found her at the bow, stargazing. From the look in her eyes, I knew she was with her husband still. She seemed startled when she heard little Avery's hungry exclamation of her name. She moved right away to accommodate but her movements were almost mechanical. It was almost as if she did not occupy her body any longer. My heart broke for her. When his cheeks' puffing slowed, I stroked them and felt her start beside me. I had to say something. "I am very sorry about Davi, Liz. He was a good soldier and a very fine man. Where do you want his body interred?"
"In Whittendon." Her voice was so small that I hardly heard her.
"Where's that?"
"The far reaches. It was the village he was born in."
"I'll have two markers made. One for the soldier's necropolis and one for Whittendon. I will take you myself." She barely nodded, her eyes shining with tears. "You will be okay, Liz. I will take care of you. You can stay in the palace for as long as you like, doing whatever you like."
Having fed and fighting sleep, my son climbed down and began to explore with a spool he'd found on deck. I was so entranced by his youthful exploration that I nearly missed Liz's words. "I'd like to return to my father. Use my compensation to help Parkston."
I could deny her nothing, having cost her so much in her young life. "As you wish."
Bawo Lodona scooped up the little prince and wandered away with him, already babbling prayers into his ears, in hopes of making him a holy man. When Liz managed a smile at that, I knew she would be okay. Still, floodgates erupted from her eyes. Bawo had ceased talk of a child for Liz, so she must mourn the thought of a child who was never to be. I took her in my arms to comfort just as an explosion shook the boat. Before I could turn, I was flying forward through the air. I landed hard in the freezing water.
For several terrifying moments, I thought I would drown. The cold tightened my lungs and I strained hard, fighting to get my body to cooperate and break the surface of the river. The night air invaded my lungs and I had to bite my tongue to fight the pain. Bubbles near me reminded me that I had not been alone when the explosion happened. I reached down and found a fistful of robes. I yanked them up and Liz gasped for air. I saw the fire sliding along the river and pulled us both to the riverbank. My arms tired and my legs felt like lead but I got us to safety. The boat sank and burned. I had swum far but not that far. The night currents in the river were strong and sent debris our way but none of it alive.
I could do nothing but sit and stare. "The current dragged us away." In the distance, a battle was waged but it was getting further and further away it seemed. "Saboteurs. On my ship."
The fire created halos in my vision. Liz gripped my arm suddenly. "Avery."
I nearly pushed her off my lap and scrambled to my feet. I would have swum back to the boat. Tired or not, I should have dove in and searched every floating bit and all beneath to find my son. "Avery!" Someone had to answer me. Someone had to hear me. "Avery!"
I didn't remember stopping but I must have to find myself moving through the jungles with Liz in my wake. I could not even recall when the rain began. I was delirious, muttering as I surveyed the vines and leaves for a place to hole up until the rains had stopped. Then I saw it. A pocket. Just big enough for the both of us if we covered it properly. I pulled out my knife and began cutting pieces to make a waterproof shelter. I moved quickly, eager to be out of the rain for good, I barely noticed Liz was still with me and helping to build our shelter. The explosion still rang in my ears.
Hunching inside our makeshift hut, I felt the chill of the night through my clothes and knew that sickness came from less. I looked her over and found her just as drenched as myself. "Take off your clothes," I said as I pulled off my soaked shirt. "If you stay in those wet things, you'll catch your death."
"It's cold."
"It will get colder if you leave those on." I hung my pants and shirt on a knob that jutted off a tree. "Everything's too wet to get a fire going. We'll have to…" I realized then what would need to be done and I was afraid she would misread my intentions. "I'm very sorry but… we'll have to lie together… to keep from freezing."
I lay on the large leaf first. Liz lay in my arms and we both shivered until we warmed. Staring out at the rain falling to the earth, I realized I didn't have any more tears left. I had cried from the river on and I had none left. My son could be drowned with most of my men and my priestess. I don't know how long I stared out at the raining blackness but I didn't know she had rolled over until I felt her breasts against my chest.
I looked down at this Liz beside me. All of 18 years, wise beyond her time, her body ripe with motherhood. When she pulled me against her, I didn't fight. I let her stroke my hair and back. We had lost our son. She had lost her husband as well. I tried to fight my body's reactions but it was futile. I hardened against her thigh and my lips pressed kisses to her chest, but she never stopped stroking my skin. My lips closed around a nipple jutting out from the cold. For just a second, all I tasted was rain and Liz but then a sweet, sticky tang found my tongue, reminding me slightly of sweet melon juice.
She never protested so I took it all. Kisses and tastes and embraces. I reveled at the sensation of being inside her, of her around me. Every place our skin touched was a reminder that I was alive and could feel. I feared I was too rough and demanding of her small body but she never screamed, never pushed away, never tried to stop me. I took and I took, feeling only things physical… until I spilled my seed inside her body.
When it was done, I lay my head against her breast and tried not to think about what we had done. The sweat on our bodies cooled but we had built heat inside our little pocket. I had actively taken a woman outside my marriage. A new widow. When dawn crept into our pocket, I had to get up and get dressed. I needed a shower but I needed to be covered more. My clothes stuck to my skin, reminding me of her sweat between. I turned to tell her to get dressed but found she was already putting the last of her damp clothes on.
My knife in front, I hacked our way through the vines and leaves, hoping I was heading the right direction. She followed in silence. I expected tears but none came. When we got back to the palace, she would be leaving. I couldn't become more attached to her. I had to keep her at arms length or begin something that could never be. Somewhere in my mind, I realized how her short legs struggled over logs and hills. I held out my hand to help but she wouldn't even look at it. I almost offered to stop and rest but that would create speech and incite a pause which might be filled with words of regret or disgust.
Then we stumbled onto the camp of survivors. Tents were set up to heal the wounded and warm the chilled. Relieved faces met mine. I shot out many questions, inquiring after loss and harm and the battle. Then I cut off the question because my wife, my hateful wife, was bouncing my child on her hip and he was laughing. Squealing with joy, even. I rushed forward to sweep him into my arms. He squealed even more. "I was so worried about you."
"What about me?" Ava whispered.
"Didn't even give you a thought." I whispered back and plastered little Avery's face with kisses. "I'm surprised you didn't hold him under."
"I was warned about what would happen if he died." She answered coolly, her eyes on the Bawo across the camp, fishing items out of crates as they had been recovered from the ship. "I plan to keep my head attached to my body. He won't eat anything we give him. Did she die? No one's seen her."
"No, she's alive but she needs rest. We were blown clear of the ship." I tucked my son against me and moved to a tent where food was being distributed to the men. I tried a bit of sweet rice but my child would have none of it. Then I saw it. The green and beige orbs behind the tent. A sticky, sweet tang still tickled my taste buds. "Falushia. Open a few of those melons."
"Yes, your highness." She bowed and took a large knife to split open the round fruit. I tugged a piece of honeydew free and tasted its sweetness before holding it to his lips. He refused at first but I pressed and finally, he took it, eating hungrily.
Bawo Lodona took a bowl of melon pieces from Falushia and then took my son. "Get dressed, your things are over there. We have a lot of work to do."
I started my way over to the tent but something caught my eye. An urn peeked out from under a pile of clothes. "What is this stuff?"
"We needed the trunk to carry water. We heard she died." A soldier answered.
"She did not die." I bit out and picked up the urn, which was covered in mud. "Have it all cleaned and returned to Liz Peyrs. It's bad enough to lose her husband this way but to have her things treated as garbage? Wash it and return it to her within the day." I turned away and began cleaning the mud off the urn. One of my best soldiers fit inside something so small.
"Y'Antaru?"
Her voice startled me; I spun and quickly held her husband out to her. "A few of your other things were found. I'm having them cleaned. I thought you should have this right away."
I hoped she had not seen the scene with the soldier. I knew my people thought little of her and I knew it upset her but to have her things and her husband disregarded that way. She took it from me and nodded slowly. "Are we safe here?"
"Yes, Davi trained his men well. We will be safe here until a transport can be built to get us back home."
"I should check on the prince."
"He is fine. He…" I suddenly could not speak. I had found a substitute food for our son because I had tasted her. I felt my face grow hot as I tried to explain. "He's developed a taste for melon juice. They've been giving him that. If you need to rest…"
"I should still check on him." She pushed passed me and disappeared into the tent where Bawo had taken my son. I stood there for the longest time feeling inadequate. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned her husband's men were still alive when he was not. Maybe I shouldn't have found Avery something else to eat. Maybe I should have kept my hands to myself the night before.
I found my tent and began to wash up, ignoring Ava where she rested on a pallet. I could feel her eyes on me. "Do you think you'll ever love me again?"
"Not in the foreseeable future."
"Being so devout is not normal, Zan."
"Maybe not to you but it is not just religion and law, Ava. It is me. It's all a part of me and doing what you did… insulted me. Offended me… to my core. I can't forgive that so easily."
"I was worried about you."
"Good, then you still have a heart."
"Of course I have a heart, Zan. I can't live like this. Pretending for the court and the servants."
"Then you should have thought better of your actions while I was gone." I turned to face her. "When I send Liz away, you will be responsible for shaping Avery into the type of man that I would be proud of. Not your father, not you. Me. My father did not have high standards for me. I put them on myself and they are not hard. It's not extremely easy but I have set rules to follow. Rules that are manageable for a person with even the tiniest bit of self-restraint. I don't know what hedonism has spread through our land but I plan to weed it out."
Her face grew paler and paler by the second. I thought she might faint. "I don't know what you expected when I chose you but I know what I expected. I didn't get that. I got a pale imitation of a woman. The irony I find is the person my entire staff thinks is a whore, is a godly woman who goes beyond the call of duty because she is inherently a good person… and the woman they think is virtuous and the 'bringer of rain' is really a whore who thrives on the ill-effects of nectar. A manipulative sow who wouldn't know goodness if it were slapping her in the face repeatedly for a decade."
"Zan…" She started to speak but her voice failed her. "Do you think so badly of me?"
"Yes. I regret marrying you. I regret it with all of my heart. I don't say it to be hurtful but it is the truth. I cannot stand the sight of you on most days."
"Y'Antaru!" I heard called out from outside the tent. Bawo. I rushed out to meet her and she dragged me inside her tent. Liz sat in a chair, weeping with her head in her hands, whispering to herself. "Did you touch her last night?"
The blood rushed to my face and then out again. "What are you talking about?"
"She did the same thing when I asked her. She's pregnant, Zan. Not by that simpleton husband of hers. The baby is too young. Not even a pea inside her." Bawo left my side to press her hand against Liz's belly. "Another child for the crown… and from the same mother as the first. This is not chance."
"Bawo, no." I shook my head and turned to lean on a post. "I promised her she could go home. She will go."
"Not with a royal child in her belly."
"Yes."
"No!"
"I said let her go." I whirled on the Bawo. "She has suffered enough. Let her have this child and raise it in her husband's honor." Somehow, I made the Bawo cower. When I turned to look at Liz, she was openly weeping and I regretted ever inviting her into my arms for warmth.
Present Day. Zan's chambers.
"You both might have died if you hadn't." I point out.
"I was upset. I had never intended to take Liz that way. I had never intended to knowingly break my vows. By… I hated that I could be just like any other man on this planet." Father sighs and sits up. "I held myself to an unreasonable ideal for a very long time, Avery. I was trying to do what was right all the time. Sometimes, you can't."
TBC
Adjusts to Motherhood
Present Day. King Zan's chambers.
"I try not to act differently but I feel as if I should." I confess to my father.
"I know what you mean. Those months, knowing it was my child in her womb… I had… appointed myself husband, protector at the least, and when she took one of her own… I was hurt. It wasn't intentional but I felt slighted."
21 years ago.
I kept Ava in our room; in bed most of the time. When I visited with her, she was hostile. When I opened up the barriers to let her out, sometimes she stayed in bed just to spite me. I did feel bad about the way I acted towards her but I couldn't let go of my anger. I would rise, shower, see her through breakfast and then head downstairs. I would check on her, check on Liz and then make my bed on the floor of my bathroom, I was actually glad that Liz kept it as clean as she did because I could recall times I allowed it to get pretty dirty, just to maintain my privacy.
I began to feel shut out of my impending child's life. I could hear Liz and Davi talking to each other. About life, love and their child. He had adopted the child in her womb. He was better than I had given him credit for. He loved her, wholeheartedly. With his mind, his soul and probably his body and I couldn't bear to listen to that, so I often found myself asleep in Ava's bathroom so I wouldn't have to hear it.
When the water train was completed, I should have seen it to the far reaches myself but I couldn't let myself wander too far from Liz. When Davi's regiment left with the train, I resumed my place on her floor. I had grown complacent. I was awakened one morning by Liz's screaming. By the time my eyes opened, my wife had plunged a dagger into the bed where Liz slept. Liz, in her increasing girth, had barely managed to clear the bed in time.
I didn't even have to think. I dragged her away and pinned her to the floor. She struggled with me and so I slapped her as hard as I could. The spot turned white and then began filling with blood. "If that child dies, I will kill you."
"No one will ever believe a child so dark came from me." She spat in my face; droplets of blood signaling that I had managed to cut the inside of her mouth when I slapped her.
"This is your fault, Ava. All your doing. If you had just followed the rules, we would not be here. If you hadn't tricked that sweet child, she would not be having my child. If you had kept your legs closed, I might still be enticed to visit your bed." I held her hands over her head and straddled her legs so she couldn't struggle. She would be forced to listen to me for once. "The only reason I don't get rid of you is your father. If you die, he will investigate. If you tell him I plan to kill you the second he dies, I will expose you for the whore you are. All I need you for is to placate the delusional. I could rule without a queen. I don't need you. You are window-dressing. I could have another queen within a year if you should die of sickness."
"If I kill her, the lies would be done with, Zan. You could have your perfect little world." She hissed at me. For a second, I considered her words. The way I had considered her promises of love when I was so infatuated with her four years before. To marry a woman out of the approved station because she swore to love me like no other.
"I can't trust you in my servant's room. I can't trust you in my bathing room. I think you shall be confined to your bed. I'll enclose the barriers so that you'll have to use a chamber pot in bed. Nothing in and nothing out. A servant from my father's regime will empty it for you. If you ever threaten the life of the future king again, I will hang you for treason in the square. I won't even hesitate to tell your father what you've become. I'll make sure that the name Ava becomes synonymous with filth."
I saw the understanding in her eyes and forced her to her feet. I shoved her through the doorway and nodded my apologies to Liz. I escorted my wife to the chapel and while she was there, I reconfigured all the barriers. Locking her out of her servant's room, out of my bathing room… and then to prevent her from leaving once inside or from having visitors, I set barriers on her very bed. I would be around to ensure that nothing escaped my attention.
--
On a day that was completely glorious, I sat outside and enjoyed the rain. The downpour would no doubt create a flood in some places but it meant that the drought was over. Bawo stood under an eave and examined me with her crystals because she thought I was losing my mind. "It's a good day, Bawo."
"Perhaps. There is something wrong with your color. Come in and dry off." I waited to go in. I needed to enjoy the gift the Granilith had given us. Fat drops of rain colliding with the earth in muddy puddles. The walk to my rooms was a slow one as I didn't want to see my wife. When I pulled fresh clothes out of my trunks, Bawo rushed in and ordered my wife's servants out. I quickly changed and waited for her to enlighten me. "It's time. Your son is coming."
I rushed into the room where Liz was already beneath a sheet and crying out in pain. I climbed onto the bed behind her and helped to ease her pain. I had to pace myself or else be useless when the real pain set in. I watched Bawo move around readying the sacred implements and I prayed silently for a swift birth. Liz began screaming and a slew of words I didn't understand gripped my heart. Whatever they were couldn't have been good. When the baby was born, finally, Liz slumped in my arms so I did my best to revive her. I attended Bawo for the birthing rights and prayers and then I held my son in my arms. He was beautiful. Dark hair on his crown… and he was so small in my arms. I was in love that second. I could feel tears pricking at my eyes but when I heard Liz sobbing, my attention shifted.
I realized then that it wasn't the pain. It was the heartache. I loved my child… and so did she because it was her child too. I didn't know what else to do so I sat beside her and tried to talk to her once she was calm. "My son needs a name. What is this word you keep saying?"
"Davi wanted to name the baby after his father but it is not our baby to name."
"What was his name?"
"Avery Pierce."
"Avery is a fine name." I whispered to my newborn son. I carried him away to the crib that waited in my chambers but I couldn't let him out of my arms.
"Is it ugly?" Ava asked from where she lay in bed. Bawo had already done away with the padding we used to cover her lack of condition.
"He is beautiful. Prince Avery of Antar." I spoke mostly to the child in my arms.
"Avery. I like it. Like Ava but not feminine." She mused aloud.
I ignored her narcissism. "He will grow strong and lead his people with pride and fairness."
"You will make him weak with your wishes."
"You call it weak but his compassion will be his strength… just as it is mine."
"Yours." She snorted.
"Maybe I am weak for keeping you around to remind me what I surround myself with out there but you are alive. My father would have killed you, the way he did his first wife." She said nothing to that because she had not known. All of Antar thought the disease had killed his first wife but father had told me she had offended him in some way and he had put her to death. He never showed any remorse over it when he had told me the story. "You could be dead but I let you live because today, I have my heir. I could dispose of you at any moment, now. Any moment at all."
The nurses brought my son the finest milk from the best cows, goats and even a camel. Avery would have none. He didn't scream but he cried quietly in his crib or in my arms or in the Bawo's arms for hours. He slept fitfully or not at all. I was in tears when Bawo Lodona picked him up and walked through the bathing room to Liz.
The crying ceased. My son ate. My son slept. I made her the official nursemaid. I was advised against it by the head nurse because of the loss Liz had just recently had. I said I knew of her loss and I knew her well. Liz would make an excellent and impartial nursemaid for the prince. I never heard another comment about it. One day, I took him to her and found her husband had returned. It was obvious they had been crying and I almost took him away. I thought he would say something but he sat back and watched her. I watched his eyes turn soft with love and I envied him. The King of Antar envied a soldier. A platoon leader. "Thank god I have found a good woman with so much love and understanding in her heart."
"She is a good woman with an open heart." I told him, my heart weary because I had no such woman in my bed. "To thank her, I honored the memory of her child by naming my own the same." My loyal servant turned away from me, I thought in anger until he turned back with tears in his eyes and pledged his and his family's everlasting loyalty. I was humbled in those moments that words could have such an effect on me. A promise to serve felt like an oath of love. I mumbled something about congratulations on marriage or service and took my son to return to my cold marriage bed where I cried like a baby while my son slept in my arms.
--
My life returned to normal. Meetings and rulings and judgments but I had a reason to get up and a reason to make it all better aside from just wanting to. I had an heir, a legacy to leave. Something to make him proud of. My father had let me down enough; I wouldn't do the same to my child.
At night, I slept in a cot next to the royal crib and listened to the echoes of Liz and Davi. They whispered to each other, made love to each other and I… cared for my child. I took him to her for feedings. When I absolutely could not be distracted in a meeting. When I needed to sleep for a bit. I felt like I was just a carrier for the child. When I went away, I knew he would be cared for. When I returned, I had news from my wife that the child did not sleep in his crib. I showed him off at every opportunity, trying to stake my claim on him for fear I would return to find him gone, made a part of another family.
I often took him to claims court to hear pleas. I thought it would make him a fair man. I also liked to have him on my lap, just napping or sucking on my little finger. Knowing that he loved me somewhere in his baby heart. I needed that affirmation of my spirit because I was dying slowly. I had only my son and my kingdom. I did not have any love for my wife. I could not enjoy seeing her in bed resting after a night of lovemaking as I knew Davi enjoyed with his wife. If I could barely coax Ava to hold the child, I could not expect her to love him as I did. She often told me she could not. It didn't stop me from trying.
Many times, I would enter my bedchambers to find Liz breastfeeding and Ava saying horrible things to her. Liz took it all in stride and focused on Avery's mealtime. I admired her sense of being. She had nothing to say to the remarks because they were vindictive and baseless. When I explained that we would be making a trip to see the lords and ladies of the land, I did not expect her first words to be that she wanted her husband along. There was no reason for me to leave him behind. If any regiment accompanied us, it would be his. I would suffer knowing that at least one man in all the land had his dream of love and happiness.
**--
I endured the loading of the ship. I was in a wretched mood. Ava dozed on deck next to me. I could hear Liz and Bawo whispering behind me and I was in so foul a mood, their cheer made me worse. I was liable to lash out at the next person to address me. The trip was uneventful, which meant absolute boredom. The air was thick with moisture, the boat smelled of rotted fish. I was near to seasick. The only cheer I had was my son, who wobbled about on deck. Who babbled nonsense to me. Who always smiled at me, whether or not I was ready for it. Often, at night, Bawo joined me on deck to watch the stars. She told me stories about them the way she did when I was a child. I got no rest but I had some peace of mind.
When we reached Lord Larek's lands, I was very glad to get off that boat. Nothing could pull me down. Not Ava's snide remarks, not Larek's wife's snobbery. I put my thoughts where they belonged. On my people. On the progress that Larek had made. Xarla had come the furthest since the sickness and I wholeheartedly believed that it was due to Larek's efforts to implement my laws. The stay was wretched. I had to sleep in the bed with Ava so no one got suspicious. I wouldn't speak to her and all of her efforts were lost on me. I hardly slept a wink that whole week. I love Larek like family but his wife was a poor choice and I could only say that knowing my own wife behind closed doors.
The day we left Xarla for Owusti, I nearly leapt for joy. I had sent my messenger on ahead to let Lady Nikas know we were coming. I expected to find her lands as well adjusted as Larek's. The day we arrived, it was clear and I expected smooth sailing.
I ignored Liz and Bawo's bickering behind me. The gunshots broke my peace. I thought they were in my head. When Liz moved to the rail, I knew that my peace was the least important. Dust rose above the city. Two soldiers backed their way to the ship with their pistols firing. "Raise the plank!" I shouted. My men were not equipped for riots. I shrugged my robes off and grabbed my pistol. I joined in the defense of our boat, firing at citizens enraged beyond control.
When the fire died down, the city was in flames and the night was nearly as bright as day. I knew then that many of my men had died, as well as the citizens. At dawn, I met Lady Nikas on the dock. "How do you explain this?"
"Explain what? They were mad. Driven crazy by the sickness."
"I know. They killed my men. Why? I sent word that we were coming. Why did you not resolve conflicts then?"
"They do not like the way you run this world."
"It is mine to run as I see fit. It is your job to see that my laws are upheld… or do I need to swear you in again to remind you of your duties. I want my men on this dock in one hour. You have one hour to retrieve them for identification and I know how many and who. I want witnesses to identify the murderers here in your realm."
"Witnesses? Did you see the mob?"
"I did. These were my personal guard. They accompany me all over. I know them by name. I want them accounted for." I paced the dock and watched the bodies lined up. Fifty in total. Then I saw him, the stitching on his uniform identifying him as Battalion leader four. Dark hair matted to his face with blood, clothes soaked through, and his face utterly unrecognizable. I picked up his pistol and found it empty. His reserves were all gone. I looked to Battalion leader one. "Retrieve Liz Peyrs from Bawo Lodona's quarters. I've found her husband."
"What's special about this one?"
"I often socialize with him outside of court." I replied to Nikas's question. I hurriedly covered his face with my hands. I couldn't let Liz see him that way. I felt her arrive too soon, but I had to finish. Her keen when she saw his face, chilled me to the bone. I wrapped my arms around her but she wailed on.
"Do you let your servants carry on like this all the time?" Her voice grated on my last nerve. I had had it with Owusti and its people, especially its ruler.
"She's lost her husband. I'll allow it." I stood to face the lady. She had been selected years ago when my father was still in his prime. I had always felt her to be a mistake. "If you had signaled and warned us of riots, I would have never docked here. I wouldn't have lost fifty good men."
"I cannot be blamed for this." She blinked at me. Those green eyes widened. I wanted to pluck them from her skull.
"Yes, you can. There were no riots in Xarla. I have my son on that boat." I pointed the ship behind us. "Your future king and putting his life in danger is a grand offense. If you knew there would be riots, you should have sent a messenger and warned us of the danger. I have to kill 200 of your people. I have to give a third of your lands to Lord Larek."
"You can't do that."
"I am your sovereign. I can do what I like. You will pay restitution to Liz Peyrs."
"What?"
"This soldier was the youngest ever leader of three battalions and he had an excellent career in my service. You will pay his widow restitution for the pay she will no longer get and for the children she will not have by him."
"She will be the highest paid whore in all of Antar." The crack sounded before I realized I had even moved. "You dare strike me? Lady of your lands."
"I dare strike an insolent and ungrateful citizen who has no heart."
"Enough, your highness." Bawo Lodona interrupted us before I could strike her again. "Lady Nikas. You will pay Liz Peyrs her due. Her husband has died, leaving her with child. She is to be released from her duties as a nursemaid as she can no longer feed him. It is not the way of our lands to leave a widow penniless." Bawo knelt to see to Liz, who was still weeping uncontrollably. "Not one who has served the crown so loyally for four years."
"I will send you her bill." I waved my hand and my soldiers picked up the body. "Cremate him and keep his ashes. She will decide where he will be buried." I made myself look Lady Nikas in the eye. "If you cannot control your people, I will find someone who can."
The ship was to continue down the river to allow me to survey the remainder of the lands. It took a week to reach the end. We completed the length without further incident and doubled back to return. I spent my time running inventory of my resources, depleted by our time in Owusti. More than once, I spied Ava and Bawo Lodona on the deck, arguing fiercely with my son in one or the other's arms. I hated to spend so much time apart from him but we were hemorrhaging men.
Two weeks into the trip upstream, I made time for my son, playing with him until he laughed almost too hard. When it was time to feed, I hunted for Liz but couldn't find her in her quarters. I rounded up her scarf and my child and began searching the deck. I found her at the bow, stargazing. From the look in her eyes, I knew she was with her husband still. She seemed startled when she heard little Avery's hungry exclamation of her name. She moved right away to accommodate but her movements were almost mechanical. It was almost as if she did not occupy her body any longer. My heart broke for her. When his cheeks' puffing slowed, I stroked them and felt her start beside me. I had to say something. "I am very sorry about Davi, Liz. He was a good soldier and a very fine man. Where do you want his body interred?"
"In Whittendon." Her voice was so small that I hardly heard her.
"Where's that?"
"The far reaches. It was the village he was born in."
"I'll have two markers made. One for the soldier's necropolis and one for Whittendon. I will take you myself." She barely nodded, her eyes shining with tears. "You will be okay, Liz. I will take care of you. You can stay in the palace for as long as you like, doing whatever you like."
Having fed and fighting sleep, my son climbed down and began to explore with a spool he'd found on deck. I was so entranced by his youthful exploration that I nearly missed Liz's words. "I'd like to return to my father. Use my compensation to help Parkston."
I could deny her nothing, having cost her so much in her young life. "As you wish."
Bawo Lodona scooped up the little prince and wandered away with him, already babbling prayers into his ears, in hopes of making him a holy man. When Liz managed a smile at that, I knew she would be okay. Still, floodgates erupted from her eyes. Bawo had ceased talk of a child for Liz, so she must mourn the thought of a child who was never to be. I took her in my arms to comfort just as an explosion shook the boat. Before I could turn, I was flying forward through the air. I landed hard in the freezing water.
For several terrifying moments, I thought I would drown. The cold tightened my lungs and I strained hard, fighting to get my body to cooperate and break the surface of the river. The night air invaded my lungs and I had to bite my tongue to fight the pain. Bubbles near me reminded me that I had not been alone when the explosion happened. I reached down and found a fistful of robes. I yanked them up and Liz gasped for air. I saw the fire sliding along the river and pulled us both to the riverbank. My arms tired and my legs felt like lead but I got us to safety. The boat sank and burned. I had swum far but not that far. The night currents in the river were strong and sent debris our way but none of it alive.
I could do nothing but sit and stare. "The current dragged us away." In the distance, a battle was waged but it was getting further and further away it seemed. "Saboteurs. On my ship."
The fire created halos in my vision. Liz gripped my arm suddenly. "Avery."
I nearly pushed her off my lap and scrambled to my feet. I would have swum back to the boat. Tired or not, I should have dove in and searched every floating bit and all beneath to find my son. "Avery!" Someone had to answer me. Someone had to hear me. "Avery!"
I didn't remember stopping but I must have to find myself moving through the jungles with Liz in my wake. I could not even recall when the rain began. I was delirious, muttering as I surveyed the vines and leaves for a place to hole up until the rains had stopped. Then I saw it. A pocket. Just big enough for the both of us if we covered it properly. I pulled out my knife and began cutting pieces to make a waterproof shelter. I moved quickly, eager to be out of the rain for good, I barely noticed Liz was still with me and helping to build our shelter. The explosion still rang in my ears.
Hunching inside our makeshift hut, I felt the chill of the night through my clothes and knew that sickness came from less. I looked her over and found her just as drenched as myself. "Take off your clothes," I said as I pulled off my soaked shirt. "If you stay in those wet things, you'll catch your death."
"It's cold."
"It will get colder if you leave those on." I hung my pants and shirt on a knob that jutted off a tree. "Everything's too wet to get a fire going. We'll have to…" I realized then what would need to be done and I was afraid she would misread my intentions. "I'm very sorry but… we'll have to lie together… to keep from freezing."
I lay on the large leaf first. Liz lay in my arms and we both shivered until we warmed. Staring out at the rain falling to the earth, I realized I didn't have any more tears left. I had cried from the river on and I had none left. My son could be drowned with most of my men and my priestess. I don't know how long I stared out at the raining blackness but I didn't know she had rolled over until I felt her breasts against my chest.
I looked down at this Liz beside me. All of 18 years, wise beyond her time, her body ripe with motherhood. When she pulled me against her, I didn't fight. I let her stroke my hair and back. We had lost our son. She had lost her husband as well. I tried to fight my body's reactions but it was futile. I hardened against her thigh and my lips pressed kisses to her chest, but she never stopped stroking my skin. My lips closed around a nipple jutting out from the cold. For just a second, all I tasted was rain and Liz but then a sweet, sticky tang found my tongue, reminding me slightly of sweet melon juice.
She never protested so I took it all. Kisses and tastes and embraces. I reveled at the sensation of being inside her, of her around me. Every place our skin touched was a reminder that I was alive and could feel. I feared I was too rough and demanding of her small body but she never screamed, never pushed away, never tried to stop me. I took and I took, feeling only things physical… until I spilled my seed inside her body.
When it was done, I lay my head against her breast and tried not to think about what we had done. The sweat on our bodies cooled but we had built heat inside our little pocket. I had actively taken a woman outside my marriage. A new widow. When dawn crept into our pocket, I had to get up and get dressed. I needed a shower but I needed to be covered more. My clothes stuck to my skin, reminding me of her sweat between. I turned to tell her to get dressed but found she was already putting the last of her damp clothes on.
My knife in front, I hacked our way through the vines and leaves, hoping I was heading the right direction. She followed in silence. I expected tears but none came. When we got back to the palace, she would be leaving. I couldn't become more attached to her. I had to keep her at arms length or begin something that could never be. Somewhere in my mind, I realized how her short legs struggled over logs and hills. I held out my hand to help but she wouldn't even look at it. I almost offered to stop and rest but that would create speech and incite a pause which might be filled with words of regret or disgust.
Then we stumbled onto the camp of survivors. Tents were set up to heal the wounded and warm the chilled. Relieved faces met mine. I shot out many questions, inquiring after loss and harm and the battle. Then I cut off the question because my wife, my hateful wife, was bouncing my child on her hip and he was laughing. Squealing with joy, even. I rushed forward to sweep him into my arms. He squealed even more. "I was so worried about you."
"What about me?" Ava whispered.
"Didn't even give you a thought." I whispered back and plastered little Avery's face with kisses. "I'm surprised you didn't hold him under."
"I was warned about what would happen if he died." She answered coolly, her eyes on the Bawo across the camp, fishing items out of crates as they had been recovered from the ship. "I plan to keep my head attached to my body. He won't eat anything we give him. Did she die? No one's seen her."
"No, she's alive but she needs rest. We were blown clear of the ship." I tucked my son against me and moved to a tent where food was being distributed to the men. I tried a bit of sweet rice but my child would have none of it. Then I saw it. The green and beige orbs behind the tent. A sticky, sweet tang still tickled my taste buds. "Falushia. Open a few of those melons."
"Yes, your highness." She bowed and took a large knife to split open the round fruit. I tugged a piece of honeydew free and tasted its sweetness before holding it to his lips. He refused at first but I pressed and finally, he took it, eating hungrily.
Bawo Lodona took a bowl of melon pieces from Falushia and then took my son. "Get dressed, your things are over there. We have a lot of work to do."
I started my way over to the tent but something caught my eye. An urn peeked out from under a pile of clothes. "What is this stuff?"
"We needed the trunk to carry water. We heard she died." A soldier answered.
"She did not die." I bit out and picked up the urn, which was covered in mud. "Have it all cleaned and returned to Liz Peyrs. It's bad enough to lose her husband this way but to have her things treated as garbage? Wash it and return it to her within the day." I turned away and began cleaning the mud off the urn. One of my best soldiers fit inside something so small.
"Y'Antaru?"
Her voice startled me; I spun and quickly held her husband out to her. "A few of your other things were found. I'm having them cleaned. I thought you should have this right away."
I hoped she had not seen the scene with the soldier. I knew my people thought little of her and I knew it upset her but to have her things and her husband disregarded that way. She took it from me and nodded slowly. "Are we safe here?"
"Yes, Davi trained his men well. We will be safe here until a transport can be built to get us back home."
"I should check on the prince."
"He is fine. He…" I suddenly could not speak. I had found a substitute food for our son because I had tasted her. I felt my face grow hot as I tried to explain. "He's developed a taste for melon juice. They've been giving him that. If you need to rest…"
"I should still check on him." She pushed passed me and disappeared into the tent where Bawo had taken my son. I stood there for the longest time feeling inadequate. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned her husband's men were still alive when he was not. Maybe I shouldn't have found Avery something else to eat. Maybe I should have kept my hands to myself the night before.
I found my tent and began to wash up, ignoring Ava where she rested on a pallet. I could feel her eyes on me. "Do you think you'll ever love me again?"
"Not in the foreseeable future."
"Being so devout is not normal, Zan."
"Maybe not to you but it is not just religion and law, Ava. It is me. It's all a part of me and doing what you did… insulted me. Offended me… to my core. I can't forgive that so easily."
"I was worried about you."
"Good, then you still have a heart."
"Of course I have a heart, Zan. I can't live like this. Pretending for the court and the servants."
"Then you should have thought better of your actions while I was gone." I turned to face her. "When I send Liz away, you will be responsible for shaping Avery into the type of man that I would be proud of. Not your father, not you. Me. My father did not have high standards for me. I put them on myself and they are not hard. It's not extremely easy but I have set rules to follow. Rules that are manageable for a person with even the tiniest bit of self-restraint. I don't know what hedonism has spread through our land but I plan to weed it out."
Her face grew paler and paler by the second. I thought she might faint. "I don't know what you expected when I chose you but I know what I expected. I didn't get that. I got a pale imitation of a woman. The irony I find is the person my entire staff thinks is a whore, is a godly woman who goes beyond the call of duty because she is inherently a good person… and the woman they think is virtuous and the 'bringer of rain' is really a whore who thrives on the ill-effects of nectar. A manipulative sow who wouldn't know goodness if it were slapping her in the face repeatedly for a decade."
"Zan…" She started to speak but her voice failed her. "Do you think so badly of me?"
"Yes. I regret marrying you. I regret it with all of my heart. I don't say it to be hurtful but it is the truth. I cannot stand the sight of you on most days."
"Y'Antaru!" I heard called out from outside the tent. Bawo. I rushed out to meet her and she dragged me inside her tent. Liz sat in a chair, weeping with her head in her hands, whispering to herself. "Did you touch her last night?"
The blood rushed to my face and then out again. "What are you talking about?"
"She did the same thing when I asked her. She's pregnant, Zan. Not by that simpleton husband of hers. The baby is too young. Not even a pea inside her." Bawo left my side to press her hand against Liz's belly. "Another child for the crown… and from the same mother as the first. This is not chance."
"Bawo, no." I shook my head and turned to lean on a post. "I promised her she could go home. She will go."
"Not with a royal child in her belly."
"Yes."
"No!"
"I said let her go." I whirled on the Bawo. "She has suffered enough. Let her have this child and raise it in her husband's honor." Somehow, I made the Bawo cower. When I turned to look at Liz, she was openly weeping and I regretted ever inviting her into my arms for warmth.
Present Day. Zan's chambers.
"You both might have died if you hadn't." I point out.
"I was upset. I had never intended to take Liz that way. I had never intended to knowingly break my vows. By… I hated that I could be just like any other man on this planet." Father sighs and sits up. "I held myself to an unreasonable ideal for a very long time, Avery. I was trying to do what was right all the time. Sometimes, you can't."
TBC
14
The Queen of Antar
Takes water to the far reaches
Present Day. Zan's chambers.
"If you swore to take her home and let her keep Danei, how…" I trail off as I turn to my father, who is laying out on the floor, as if he cannot bear to be comfortable in his own bed while he is sequestered for questioning.
20 years ago. Parkston
I sent word ahead that I would be departing from the palace immediately upon arriving. It still took two months. Bawo and I alternated at Liz's side to help her deal with seasickness and her evening sickness. I had promised Liz that she could have whatever she wanted but she asked for nothing. The journey to Parkston was not a long one. We call it the far reaches only because no Antarian would willingly live there in the dust, where there are no hills and the sky stretches out forever. I stayed in the carriage and watched her stand in what passed for a town square until a farmer walked out and greeted her. "Greetings! I do not speak Antarian."
"Greetings!" She called back. Then they switched to Tirera and I could not understand a word of what passed between them. Bawo whispered to me that he was the magistrate. Then they removed themselves to a hut not far away. I could see them seated at a table near the front window. The conversation grew heated and then Liz rose and escaped from the house. "Bawo!"
Bawo Lodona opened the door but instead of climbing in, Liz took my son into her arms and turned to face the magistrate. His face softened for a moment but then hardened once again as a flurry of Tirera escaped their lips.
"Pulet sige nista."
"Idai."
"Sogiest giseo, Elizabeth. Dos kenia flodae neda dideo geist geiso."
"Gida."
"Aldoi leda menid. Ald widin nilli siled. Aldo medit dieseo dideo secha mosite."
"Gida!" Liz called after him but sank to her knees.
I picked up the urn and marker and chased after him. I caught up to him where he stood in front of a grave marker. I recalled Liz's early words to him. "Jaif!" He turned, so I sped up. "Magistrate Parker. Please… if you won't let her return… please, bury her husband." I held out the urn to him. "He served loyally though he retained his Tirera heritage with Liz."
His eyes ran over my robes and then he began to bow. I stopped him. "No, do not bow to me. I did this to Liz… I will take care of her. Please bury her husband, Davi, Jaif."
Jaif took the urn and nodded. I handed him the marker and tears formed in his eyes as he took a tool from his pocket to correct my spelling of Davi Peyrs to David Pierce. He looked at me long and hard, the tears never falling from his eyes, as if he were unwilling to give up even that moisture in those dry lands. "Puletza sige nista tilos. Techsa leda fidlei soloi."
"I don't understand." I shook my head.
"Siga nista, Elizabeth… Liz. Unod nebe wonoi fedi." He turned from me and began digging next to a marker that read Nancy Parker.
I returned to the carriage and motioned for the driver to go. Liz wept all the way to the nearest stopping point. I carried her to our lodging and stayed by her side all night. When she woke in the morning, she stared at the ceiling, unseeing. "King Zan… take this child too. Take her and raise her fat and happy… just like my son."
"A daughter?" I touched her cheek but she flinched, I pulled my hand away.
--
Her depression during the pregnancy was far greater than her depression at the beginning of her first. She did not get as sick or need me as much but neither did she eat much or take her walks. I couldn't look in on her as much as I wanted because I was still looking after my son and looking to the aftermath of the Owusti riots. When I got home in the winter, Bawo warned me not to go far.
I was asleep in the nursery next to Avery when Bawo called. I scooped him up and carried his sleeping body with me. Liz writhed in pain. "It's too soon."
"Yes, you have to stop it. Her body is weak." Bawo explained.
I did what I could to stop the pain and keep her from giving birth. I was exhausted afterward but her color returned and the labor pains stopped. "Is she okay?"
"For now. Stay nearby. She cannot give birth for another three weeks to be safe."
I took my son from Bawo and lay in the bed. "I need to rest but I can't be far away." She looked at me strangely but fiddled with her crystals in silence. I fell asleep with my son on my chest and when I woke, he was in Liz's arms, both sleeping soundly.
I sat in that bed and thought long and hard about the way I needed things to happen. My generation of citizens was a lost cause. There were scores of impressionable citizens who could change the world but I had to reach them. I had to have children and raise them right. I needed to surround them with those who understood my vision. I couldn't let Liz go. She understood.
Present Day. Zan's chambers.
"I wish I could say that I felt some deep emotion for her and that's why I kept her around." Father admits. He looks cowed. "My initial reasons for keeping Liz so close were political."
"And later? I mean, Father, two children and a political agenda are reason enough to keep her but… to have seven more children."
"Agendas change, Avery."
"What are you saying? Are you saying…"
"That perhaps while you and Danei were surprises, they were much more so than the succeeding seven children."
"So by the time Killae was born…"
"By the time Danei was weaned, I had changed the way I saw her."
19 years ago.
I watched Liz feed my princess. I had hardly spent any amount of time outside the bedchambers. While Liz tended to Danei, I occupied my little prince who was very jealous of the new arrival. He kept squirming in my lap, so I finally let him go. The first thing he did was to try to climb onto the bed. "Liz is busy, Avery."
"Yiz!" he screamed.
"Avery. Sh." Liz whispered and lifted Danei to burp her. "Your sister's sleeping."
He quieted almost immediately and pouted on the floor. "Yiz."
Her brown eyes lifted to me and then refocused on little Danei. "You stay in here quite a bit, your highness. Don't your people miss you?"
"I have fatherly duties to attend… and you don't need to address me that way, anymore. You can call me Zan."
Liz's face flushed slightly. "Your highness… what about your wife?"
"What about her? She's not of any concern to anyone really." I reached over to take Danei into my own arms. She was beautiful. Dark hair and chubby cheeks. The second I sat in the rocker, Avery was begging me to pick him up again.
"Avery, come here." Liz closed up her blouse and hugged his little body to her. He fought her for a bit but he fell asleep in seconds.
"Liz?" I called softly. She looked up. "Do me a favor and take a walk. Get some fresh air. You're pale… and you hardly eat."
"I have no desire to eat."
"Davi would not want you to waste away."
"Davi is dead. He has no cares anymore." She fought tears but did not get up.
"Liz."
"No."
"Liz."
"When do you send me away? You should do it. Send me away so I do not have to see them and know they are not mine." She started bawling. I set Danei in her cradle and pulled Liz into my arms. When she calmed, she did not sit up. "You could have any woman bear your children. Why me?"
"It just worked out that way. I won't send you away. I need you here with them."
"Only because I have no one left. My husband is dead and my own father will not take me in. I hope he chokes on his water from the well."
"You don't mean that."
"I am 19 years old and I have lost too much." She pushed away from me but I held fast.
"You won't lose any more if I have anything to say about it." I stroked her hair until she relaxed once more.
"I'm being punished. I liked what we did in the jungle and I shouldn't have. I can't look at her without feeling guilty."
"Then, it's two of us. I liked what we did but when I look at her, I remember how much I did like it."
"I shouldn't feel this way. It's barely been a year since David died."
"Some people don't last the night before they are moving on to the next thing."
--
A few days later, I had to hunt Liz down for Danei's meal. Danei screamed and servants parted in front of us. We found Liz in the chapel with her head bowed and her hands clasped. Her lips moved in whispers of words that I did not know. When we reached her, she took Danei and took a seat to begin feeding. She sat for a long time just staring up at the stained glass. Bawo listened for our words but there were none for a very long time. Until Danei was nearly asleep, having had her fill. "Your highness… If I stay here, I have to be more than a servant. I have to be a person. I need options. I need…"
"Whatever you want, you shall have it." I whispered into her ear. She turned her face from mine.
"Don’t turn me into a whore. I've come so far and endured too much to be that."
"Watching you carry my two children has been a blessing, Liz. That you willingly nourish them when you cannot even claim them… it warms me. To Antar, they are Ava's children but I never forget that they are also yours. Mine and yours. Ours." I took Danei from her so she could close her blouse. She didn't move away from me. "I hear you talk to our children about what you hear. I admire your thoughts on my politics. I take your whispers into my ears and I try to fix them."
"I'm just a nursemaid, your highness. You shouldn’t heed my ramblings."
"But I do. When I'm in court and I have a dilemma, I remember what you say."
"Your—"
"Call me Zan… just once. Please?"
"I…"
"Do you trust me?" I asked her and her eyes flew to mine. "Do you believe me when I say I will not come to you unless you want me to?"
"I need time… your highness." She whispered and returned to her kneeling position with her hands clasped in front of her.
Bawo Lodona pulled me from my seat and escorted me to the door. "You come on too strong, Zan."
"I know what I'm feeling."
"Then court her. Don't just ask her into your bed this way. It will only make her feel more like a whore."
Present Day.
We are interrupted by a knock on the door. Liz has escaped. I rush to her chambers but there was no sign of her. I order men out to all her favorite places. I sigh and go to the nursery to tell my siblings. That's where I find her, feeding Vlastina and telling a story to the little ones. She looks up at me and apologizes. "You were gone so long and they weren't taking my milk to her. I could hear her crying."
"They will be reprimanded. Come, Liz. Please. Until…" I stop. I know she did not kill Mother, Ava. But there is protocol. "Take her with you. I will explain. You need to answer a question for me."
"What's that?" She tilts her head as she rises to kiss faces and follow me down the corridor.
"What did your father say to you that day?"
19 years ago.
Our good king took me home and it was more desolate than I remembered. There were some new huts but some old ones were gone. Whittendon had been deserted. My only hope was Parkston. I stood in the square for a very long time and tried to remember which was my home for the first 14 years of my life. Then I saw him standing there and staring in his doorway. Then I remembered. I was four years older. I was dressed and groomed in a manner befitting that of my station within the palace. I was poor there but in Parkston, I was near wealthy. "Bawila! Ni Y'Antari."
"Bawila!" I called back and then switched to Tirera. "Magistrate Jeff… I come for permission to bury a soldier in your cemetery."
"Y'Antari in Tirera cemetery?" He straightened and walked toward me.
"Tirera in Tirera cemetery," I corrected. "David Pierce from Whittendon."
"David Pierce? Avery Pierce's son?"
"The same." I was so relieved that someone else would mourn David's death with me.
"How? When? He's been gone for such a long time… I had almost forgotten about him."
"It was two months ago. A riot in Owusti. He was the battalion leader four. He had three battalions in his command." My voice caught in my throat. "He was brave to the last." I had to swallow down a lump. "King Zan thinks highly of him and gave me the honor of bringing his remains home."
"Whittendon is long gone but Parkston would be honored to have him. Did he have a family?"
"Just a wife."
"Please, come in and tell me." I followed him into my childhood home. "He had a wife? No children?"
"She could not give him any."
"But how? He was one of twelve. I do not suppose he ever met the last three."
"I could not give him children." The tears fell freely.
He paused in the kitchen. "Should I call someone from your carriage?"
"It is not my carriage… Father." I looked up and I saw his disbelief.
"Elizabeth? How?"
"Father…"
"Married? For how long? And so young?"
"David and I married nearly two years ago. Our way."
"He let a soldier… marry our way?"
"Yes. He did. He knows… about us… I… Father, he owes me."
"Owes… What do you mean?"
"Father, I have a decision to make. I love you and miss you. I have the option of staying in Parkston, indefinitely. Or I go back to the palace. Either way, I'll leave David's compensation for Parkston."
"How much?"
"I don't know. I've been too… distraught to pay attention when his highness speaks of money."
"You can stay. We will find you a husband after your mourning period. Perhaps, he married you too young to get you with child."
"No, Father." The tears flowed freely again. "I am pregnant, now."
"Then, it is good. A child in David's memory."
"No…. If I stay, I can keep her here. If I go, I have to give her to her father."
"But…"
"Father, this isn't my first child." The room fell silent and I was too afraid to look up and see the expression on his face.
"They swore!" He shouted at the air. "They swore to me that they would not do this to you."
"They kept their promise, Father." I pleaded with him to calm down. "It wasn't… I was tricked and so was he. Y'Antaru didn't mean for it to happen."
"For what to happen?"
"Prince Avery is my son." I tried to smile. "Your grandson is the prince of all Antar." I had hoped to improve his mood with the news but all I got was a frown. "This child inside me will be a princess if I go back."
"And if you stay, what? Not a princess though she is seed of the crown? Why is one more important than the other? Because one is born first and a boy? King Zan forced himself on my grieving daughter but because he already has an heir and a boy, then the rest don't matter? How many other children does this king have by his servants?"
"It's not like that!"
"Elizabeth… did he care nothing for his own wedding vows? Or yours?"
"It's never been like that. He never touched me while I was married."
"I should kill him."
"He's a good king." I shouted out. "Better than Aperys ever pretended to be. King Zan doesn't beat his servants. He doesn't rape us or degrade us. He loves his wife beyond comprehension after the ways she's treated him or the things she's done to me. He protects me from her."
"And who protects you from him?"
"I don't need protection from King Zan, Father. He's kinder to me than he needs to be." I paused to stare at my aging father. "When David died, I was distraught. Lady Nikas of Owusti called me a whore. King Zan slapped her as if she had offended a Lady. He ordered her to pay me restitution for the loss of my husband and for the children he could not get on me in death. Our boat was attacked. We thought Avery was dead. We were both struck dumb by the loss. It was an accident. If anyone is to lay blame, they must lay it on us both. King Zan and I both created this child but he had promised me I could come home after David died. That I could go where I chose and use my compensation as I chose."
He stayed quiet for the longest time and I thought I had won him over.
"I loved David with all of my heart. I risked everything to marry him. My child, my life. I have behaved deplorably, like a child, in the presence of our King and his priestess and they have done nothing but to be patient and understanding of my plight. If I am not welcome, I will go back to the palace and clean the bathing room and be nursemaid to the impending princess… I won't be back to Parkston." I warned softly. "Would you like to see Avery? I'm sure he'd allow it."
Without waiting, I rushed out to the carriage. "Bawo!"
Curious Tirera scattered at the mention of a priestess. I opened the door wide and took little Avery into my arms. I turned to my father to show him the squirming child. He didn't reach out to hold my son. He only nodded to me. "He looks fat and happy."
"He is."
"Then don't come back, Elizabeth. We will bury your husband but don't come back."
"Father."
"Nothing will help us now. Not even compensation for a widow. Don't die out here when you could live in there."
"Father!" I called out as he backed away.
King Zan picked up the urn and tablet, and then leapt from the carriage after my father. "Jaif!" He called out but I was rooted to the spot, crying with my son in my arms. I could see them where my father stopped next to my mother's marker. When father realized who had chased after him, he started to bow but King Zan stopped him. I could not hear their words but eventually, my father took my husband and his marker from King Zan and King Zan made his way back to us.
I was ushered back into the carriage. I wept all the way to our next stop. I woke in bed, a broken woman. I could feel him near me though I didn't see him. "King Zan… take this child too. Take her and raise her fat and happy… just like my son."
"A daughter?" He whispered and when he touched me, I flinched because I had started to believe all that my father had spouted to me. Maybe I was a whore. Maybe I should be ashamed of my children.
Present Day. Liz's chambers.
"Father told me how depressed you were."
"I was. I was a toy. I sat and I stared… and I never saw his eyes changing when they looked at me… not until after Danei was born." Liz blushes a beautiful red. "Sometimes, I think it is all a dream when he looks at me like he did that day. I was awful. I said things… but he… wanted me."
"Did you want him?"
"Maybe not right then but… I began to see him as a man more and more and less as a King. Someone who was above me. I was weak when I did venture out of my bed… and he walked with me, helping to carry our daughter and keeping up with our son." She smiles at nothing. "As I saw what a wonderful father he really was, I let myself trust that he meant his words and then when I looked at him, I saw a handsome man who loved that I had given him two children."
TBC
Takes water to the far reaches
Present Day. Zan's chambers.
"If you swore to take her home and let her keep Danei, how…" I trail off as I turn to my father, who is laying out on the floor, as if he cannot bear to be comfortable in his own bed while he is sequestered for questioning.
20 years ago. Parkston
I sent word ahead that I would be departing from the palace immediately upon arriving. It still took two months. Bawo and I alternated at Liz's side to help her deal with seasickness and her evening sickness. I had promised Liz that she could have whatever she wanted but she asked for nothing. The journey to Parkston was not a long one. We call it the far reaches only because no Antarian would willingly live there in the dust, where there are no hills and the sky stretches out forever. I stayed in the carriage and watched her stand in what passed for a town square until a farmer walked out and greeted her. "Greetings! I do not speak Antarian."
"Greetings!" She called back. Then they switched to Tirera and I could not understand a word of what passed between them. Bawo whispered to me that he was the magistrate. Then they removed themselves to a hut not far away. I could see them seated at a table near the front window. The conversation grew heated and then Liz rose and escaped from the house. "Bawo!"
Bawo Lodona opened the door but instead of climbing in, Liz took my son into her arms and turned to face the magistrate. His face softened for a moment but then hardened once again as a flurry of Tirera escaped their lips.
"Pulet sige nista."
"Idai."
"Sogiest giseo, Elizabeth. Dos kenia flodae neda dideo geist geiso."
"Gida."
"Aldoi leda menid. Ald widin nilli siled. Aldo medit dieseo dideo secha mosite."
"Gida!" Liz called after him but sank to her knees.
I picked up the urn and marker and chased after him. I caught up to him where he stood in front of a grave marker. I recalled Liz's early words to him. "Jaif!" He turned, so I sped up. "Magistrate Parker. Please… if you won't let her return… please, bury her husband." I held out the urn to him. "He served loyally though he retained his Tirera heritage with Liz."
His eyes ran over my robes and then he began to bow. I stopped him. "No, do not bow to me. I did this to Liz… I will take care of her. Please bury her husband, Davi, Jaif."
Jaif took the urn and nodded. I handed him the marker and tears formed in his eyes as he took a tool from his pocket to correct my spelling of Davi Peyrs to David Pierce. He looked at me long and hard, the tears never falling from his eyes, as if he were unwilling to give up even that moisture in those dry lands. "Puletza sige nista tilos. Techsa leda fidlei soloi."
"I don't understand." I shook my head.
"Siga nista, Elizabeth… Liz. Unod nebe wonoi fedi." He turned from me and began digging next to a marker that read Nancy Parker.
I returned to the carriage and motioned for the driver to go. Liz wept all the way to the nearest stopping point. I carried her to our lodging and stayed by her side all night. When she woke in the morning, she stared at the ceiling, unseeing. "King Zan… take this child too. Take her and raise her fat and happy… just like my son."
"A daughter?" I touched her cheek but she flinched, I pulled my hand away.
--
Her depression during the pregnancy was far greater than her depression at the beginning of her first. She did not get as sick or need me as much but neither did she eat much or take her walks. I couldn't look in on her as much as I wanted because I was still looking after my son and looking to the aftermath of the Owusti riots. When I got home in the winter, Bawo warned me not to go far.
I was asleep in the nursery next to Avery when Bawo called. I scooped him up and carried his sleeping body with me. Liz writhed in pain. "It's too soon."
"Yes, you have to stop it. Her body is weak." Bawo explained.
I did what I could to stop the pain and keep her from giving birth. I was exhausted afterward but her color returned and the labor pains stopped. "Is she okay?"
"For now. Stay nearby. She cannot give birth for another three weeks to be safe."
I took my son from Bawo and lay in the bed. "I need to rest but I can't be far away." She looked at me strangely but fiddled with her crystals in silence. I fell asleep with my son on my chest and when I woke, he was in Liz's arms, both sleeping soundly.
I sat in that bed and thought long and hard about the way I needed things to happen. My generation of citizens was a lost cause. There were scores of impressionable citizens who could change the world but I had to reach them. I had to have children and raise them right. I needed to surround them with those who understood my vision. I couldn't let Liz go. She understood.
Present Day. Zan's chambers.
"I wish I could say that I felt some deep emotion for her and that's why I kept her around." Father admits. He looks cowed. "My initial reasons for keeping Liz so close were political."
"And later? I mean, Father, two children and a political agenda are reason enough to keep her but… to have seven more children."
"Agendas change, Avery."
"What are you saying? Are you saying…"
"That perhaps while you and Danei were surprises, they were much more so than the succeeding seven children."
"So by the time Killae was born…"
"By the time Danei was weaned, I had changed the way I saw her."
19 years ago.
I watched Liz feed my princess. I had hardly spent any amount of time outside the bedchambers. While Liz tended to Danei, I occupied my little prince who was very jealous of the new arrival. He kept squirming in my lap, so I finally let him go. The first thing he did was to try to climb onto the bed. "Liz is busy, Avery."
"Yiz!" he screamed.
"Avery. Sh." Liz whispered and lifted Danei to burp her. "Your sister's sleeping."
He quieted almost immediately and pouted on the floor. "Yiz."
Her brown eyes lifted to me and then refocused on little Danei. "You stay in here quite a bit, your highness. Don't your people miss you?"
"I have fatherly duties to attend… and you don't need to address me that way, anymore. You can call me Zan."
Liz's face flushed slightly. "Your highness… what about your wife?"
"What about her? She's not of any concern to anyone really." I reached over to take Danei into my own arms. She was beautiful. Dark hair and chubby cheeks. The second I sat in the rocker, Avery was begging me to pick him up again.
"Avery, come here." Liz closed up her blouse and hugged his little body to her. He fought her for a bit but he fell asleep in seconds.
"Liz?" I called softly. She looked up. "Do me a favor and take a walk. Get some fresh air. You're pale… and you hardly eat."
"I have no desire to eat."
"Davi would not want you to waste away."
"Davi is dead. He has no cares anymore." She fought tears but did not get up.
"Liz."
"No."
"Liz."
"When do you send me away? You should do it. Send me away so I do not have to see them and know they are not mine." She started bawling. I set Danei in her cradle and pulled Liz into my arms. When she calmed, she did not sit up. "You could have any woman bear your children. Why me?"
"It just worked out that way. I won't send you away. I need you here with them."
"Only because I have no one left. My husband is dead and my own father will not take me in. I hope he chokes on his water from the well."
"You don't mean that."
"I am 19 years old and I have lost too much." She pushed away from me but I held fast.
"You won't lose any more if I have anything to say about it." I stroked her hair until she relaxed once more.
"I'm being punished. I liked what we did in the jungle and I shouldn't have. I can't look at her without feeling guilty."
"Then, it's two of us. I liked what we did but when I look at her, I remember how much I did like it."
"I shouldn't feel this way. It's barely been a year since David died."
"Some people don't last the night before they are moving on to the next thing."
--
A few days later, I had to hunt Liz down for Danei's meal. Danei screamed and servants parted in front of us. We found Liz in the chapel with her head bowed and her hands clasped. Her lips moved in whispers of words that I did not know. When we reached her, she took Danei and took a seat to begin feeding. She sat for a long time just staring up at the stained glass. Bawo listened for our words but there were none for a very long time. Until Danei was nearly asleep, having had her fill. "Your highness… If I stay here, I have to be more than a servant. I have to be a person. I need options. I need…"
"Whatever you want, you shall have it." I whispered into her ear. She turned her face from mine.
"Don’t turn me into a whore. I've come so far and endured too much to be that."
"Watching you carry my two children has been a blessing, Liz. That you willingly nourish them when you cannot even claim them… it warms me. To Antar, they are Ava's children but I never forget that they are also yours. Mine and yours. Ours." I took Danei from her so she could close her blouse. She didn't move away from me. "I hear you talk to our children about what you hear. I admire your thoughts on my politics. I take your whispers into my ears and I try to fix them."
"I'm just a nursemaid, your highness. You shouldn’t heed my ramblings."
"But I do. When I'm in court and I have a dilemma, I remember what you say."
"Your—"
"Call me Zan… just once. Please?"
"I…"
"Do you trust me?" I asked her and her eyes flew to mine. "Do you believe me when I say I will not come to you unless you want me to?"
"I need time… your highness." She whispered and returned to her kneeling position with her hands clasped in front of her.
Bawo Lodona pulled me from my seat and escorted me to the door. "You come on too strong, Zan."
"I know what I'm feeling."
"Then court her. Don't just ask her into your bed this way. It will only make her feel more like a whore."
Present Day.
We are interrupted by a knock on the door. Liz has escaped. I rush to her chambers but there was no sign of her. I order men out to all her favorite places. I sigh and go to the nursery to tell my siblings. That's where I find her, feeding Vlastina and telling a story to the little ones. She looks up at me and apologizes. "You were gone so long and they weren't taking my milk to her. I could hear her crying."
"They will be reprimanded. Come, Liz. Please. Until…" I stop. I know she did not kill Mother, Ava. But there is protocol. "Take her with you. I will explain. You need to answer a question for me."
"What's that?" She tilts her head as she rises to kiss faces and follow me down the corridor.
"What did your father say to you that day?"
19 years ago.
Our good king took me home and it was more desolate than I remembered. There were some new huts but some old ones were gone. Whittendon had been deserted. My only hope was Parkston. I stood in the square for a very long time and tried to remember which was my home for the first 14 years of my life. Then I saw him standing there and staring in his doorway. Then I remembered. I was four years older. I was dressed and groomed in a manner befitting that of my station within the palace. I was poor there but in Parkston, I was near wealthy. "Bawila! Ni Y'Antari."
"Bawila!" I called back and then switched to Tirera. "Magistrate Jeff… I come for permission to bury a soldier in your cemetery."
"Y'Antari in Tirera cemetery?" He straightened and walked toward me.
"Tirera in Tirera cemetery," I corrected. "David Pierce from Whittendon."
"David Pierce? Avery Pierce's son?"
"The same." I was so relieved that someone else would mourn David's death with me.
"How? When? He's been gone for such a long time… I had almost forgotten about him."
"It was two months ago. A riot in Owusti. He was the battalion leader four. He had three battalions in his command." My voice caught in my throat. "He was brave to the last." I had to swallow down a lump. "King Zan thinks highly of him and gave me the honor of bringing his remains home."
"Whittendon is long gone but Parkston would be honored to have him. Did he have a family?"
"Just a wife."
"Please, come in and tell me." I followed him into my childhood home. "He had a wife? No children?"
"She could not give him any."
"But how? He was one of twelve. I do not suppose he ever met the last three."
"I could not give him children." The tears fell freely.
He paused in the kitchen. "Should I call someone from your carriage?"
"It is not my carriage… Father." I looked up and I saw his disbelief.
"Elizabeth? How?"
"Father…"
"Married? For how long? And so young?"
"David and I married nearly two years ago. Our way."
"He let a soldier… marry our way?"
"Yes. He did. He knows… about us… I… Father, he owes me."
"Owes… What do you mean?"
"Father, I have a decision to make. I love you and miss you. I have the option of staying in Parkston, indefinitely. Or I go back to the palace. Either way, I'll leave David's compensation for Parkston."
"How much?"
"I don't know. I've been too… distraught to pay attention when his highness speaks of money."
"You can stay. We will find you a husband after your mourning period. Perhaps, he married you too young to get you with child."
"No, Father." The tears flowed freely again. "I am pregnant, now."
"Then, it is good. A child in David's memory."
"No…. If I stay, I can keep her here. If I go, I have to give her to her father."
"But…"
"Father, this isn't my first child." The room fell silent and I was too afraid to look up and see the expression on his face.
"They swore!" He shouted at the air. "They swore to me that they would not do this to you."
"They kept their promise, Father." I pleaded with him to calm down. "It wasn't… I was tricked and so was he. Y'Antaru didn't mean for it to happen."
"For what to happen?"
"Prince Avery is my son." I tried to smile. "Your grandson is the prince of all Antar." I had hoped to improve his mood with the news but all I got was a frown. "This child inside me will be a princess if I go back."
"And if you stay, what? Not a princess though she is seed of the crown? Why is one more important than the other? Because one is born first and a boy? King Zan forced himself on my grieving daughter but because he already has an heir and a boy, then the rest don't matter? How many other children does this king have by his servants?"
"It's not like that!"
"Elizabeth… did he care nothing for his own wedding vows? Or yours?"
"It's never been like that. He never touched me while I was married."
"I should kill him."
"He's a good king." I shouted out. "Better than Aperys ever pretended to be. King Zan doesn't beat his servants. He doesn't rape us or degrade us. He loves his wife beyond comprehension after the ways she's treated him or the things she's done to me. He protects me from her."
"And who protects you from him?"
"I don't need protection from King Zan, Father. He's kinder to me than he needs to be." I paused to stare at my aging father. "When David died, I was distraught. Lady Nikas of Owusti called me a whore. King Zan slapped her as if she had offended a Lady. He ordered her to pay me restitution for the loss of my husband and for the children he could not get on me in death. Our boat was attacked. We thought Avery was dead. We were both struck dumb by the loss. It was an accident. If anyone is to lay blame, they must lay it on us both. King Zan and I both created this child but he had promised me I could come home after David died. That I could go where I chose and use my compensation as I chose."
He stayed quiet for the longest time and I thought I had won him over.
"I loved David with all of my heart. I risked everything to marry him. My child, my life. I have behaved deplorably, like a child, in the presence of our King and his priestess and they have done nothing but to be patient and understanding of my plight. If I am not welcome, I will go back to the palace and clean the bathing room and be nursemaid to the impending princess… I won't be back to Parkston." I warned softly. "Would you like to see Avery? I'm sure he'd allow it."
Without waiting, I rushed out to the carriage. "Bawo!"
Curious Tirera scattered at the mention of a priestess. I opened the door wide and took little Avery into my arms. I turned to my father to show him the squirming child. He didn't reach out to hold my son. He only nodded to me. "He looks fat and happy."
"He is."
"Then don't come back, Elizabeth. We will bury your husband but don't come back."
"Father."
"Nothing will help us now. Not even compensation for a widow. Don't die out here when you could live in there."
"Father!" I called out as he backed away.
King Zan picked up the urn and tablet, and then leapt from the carriage after my father. "Jaif!" He called out but I was rooted to the spot, crying with my son in my arms. I could see them where my father stopped next to my mother's marker. When father realized who had chased after him, he started to bow but King Zan stopped him. I could not hear their words but eventually, my father took my husband and his marker from King Zan and King Zan made his way back to us.
I was ushered back into the carriage. I wept all the way to our next stop. I woke in bed, a broken woman. I could feel him near me though I didn't see him. "King Zan… take this child too. Take her and raise her fat and happy… just like my son."
"A daughter?" He whispered and when he touched me, I flinched because I had started to believe all that my father had spouted to me. Maybe I was a whore. Maybe I should be ashamed of my children.
Present Day. Liz's chambers.
"Father told me how depressed you were."
"I was. I was a toy. I sat and I stared… and I never saw his eyes changing when they looked at me… not until after Danei was born." Liz blushes a beautiful red. "Sometimes, I think it is all a dream when he looks at me like he did that day. I was awful. I said things… but he… wanted me."
"Did you want him?"
"Maybe not right then but… I began to see him as a man more and more and less as a King. Someone who was above me. I was weak when I did venture out of my bed… and he walked with me, helping to carry our daughter and keeping up with our son." She smiles at nothing. "As I saw what a wonderful father he really was, I let myself trust that he meant his words and then when I looked at him, I saw a handsome man who loved that I had given him two children."
TBC
The Queen of Antar
Learns to be patient
Present Day. King Zan's chambers.
Father looks up when I enter his room. It's late but there are still things to discuss. The panic in his eyes tells me that he hasn't heard. "She didn't go far. She just snuck into the nursery to feed the baby. I gave a mandate that she and the baby will stay in Liz's rooms."
"Good. That's good." His eyes cool and he sinks onto the bed. "I will see you tomorrow, then."
"No. We'll continue until I can find something in all that you say that will point to someone else. To prove Liz innocent, I have to prove someone else guilty."
"Fine…"
19 years ago.
I took Liz out for walks. It was a week before she agreed to the suggestion. I carried my son because he was heavier and she carried my daughter. We hardly spoke at all but there came an ease that grew between us. I couldn't express myself for fear she would run away from me or someone would overhear. So we simply walked. Sometimes we would share a laugh over a word our son had learned. Sometimes I helped when Danei needed her diaper changed. If anyone thought it was odd that I accompanied my nursemaid on walks with my children, they never said anything. But who were they to question the actions of their king.
Often, when I met her eyes, she looked away but her eyes always returned to mine. Brown. I had seen many beauties with blue or green or even hazel like my own. But to see a brown-eyed woman who took my breath away. She could close her eyes and peer up at me from beneath those lashes and my knees would go weak. I didn't touch her. I did as Bawo instructed. I let her make the first step.
One day, I took a small group of soldiers with us so we could play with Avery in the creek. When asked why the queen was not accompanying us, I simply told them that she was still recovering. That bearing children was not an easy feat for one so fragile as a queen. The lies came so easily after a while. Making excuses for why Ava was never out of her room, when before, she was all over the palace and countryside.
I watched Liz step carefully into the water. She had to be thinking horrible things about the power of water after the debacle at Owusti. Avery had no such fears and bounded in on his unsteady legs and promptly fell in up to his waist. I held onto my daughter in the shade while the two of them splashed in the shallow water. Little Danei, dozing and making faces in her sleep. I never once wished her curls were blonde or her eyes were blue. I couldn't have my children any other way.
My father often said that children were a reflection of their parents and until that moment, I never appreciated what he said. My mother was a good woman and father's death had devastated her, cloistered away in a chapel near her homelands. Perhaps it was her unerring faith and the Bawo's hand that had led me to my path. I certainly hadn't put Father's ways into my mind.
Liz's influence on our children would be the key to them turning out just the way I imagined. Just the way I wanted the world to look at me through my children. My son with her eyes, taking it all in for the wondrous first time. My daughter with her delicate features, infusing the world with much needed beauty.
"Your highness." A male voice interrupted my revelry. I turned to acknowledge the soldier. "Should we not be advancing into Owusti on a more permanent basis?"
"What's your name?" I asked, curious about this bold young man.
"Rath, sir. Battalion leader Five."
"Well, Rath, I have one month in which I am home. What do you do when you are home?"
"I… don't have a home per se." He stammered.
"But if you did."
"I would be playing at being a soldier."
"But playing. I have two young children whom I will not get to see on our next grand adventure, Battalion leader Rath. This might not look like much to you but it is the world to me." I stood and showed him my daughter. "I was not here for much of her mother's pregnancy and she nearly came too early. This is your princess to serve for the rest of your life. I spend time with her now because I can enjoy it. When I return, she will be much grown. When you find a woman and create a child, you will understand. You will be blessed and you can never take your blessings for granted."
A wail interrupted my lesson to the soldier. When I turned, Liz had my son in her arms, both dripping wet and blood seeping from a cut on his knee. I pressed my daughter into the unwitting soldier's arms and raced off to tend to my injured child.
"We slipped and I didn't see the rocks." Liz rushed to explain but I was already taking him from her and had placed my hand over his knee.
"Avery, sh." I whispered. He wailed and clung to my robes, soaking me through with water. "Avery, calm down." It took only a moment to heal the scrape but he still screamed. I held him against me until he calmed. By this time, Liz had already wrung out her skirts and had taken the baby from the scared soldier. His gaze flicked over her legs and her breasts when Liz began shifting around to feed our daughter.
He must have seen me watching because when his eyes met mine, he knew that I hadn't approved of his leering at Liz. He backed away and ordered his men that I was ready to go. When the horses were brought, I set Liz and Danei on one and advised Rath to lead his men at a slow march while Danei fed. I took my son on my own horse, teaching him about the plants and trees we passed. So smart, my son. The sun dried our clothes and Avery had forgotten that he had been injured at all.
When we reached the palace, I sent Liz and Danei inside and sent the guards on to their duties but I stayed out with my son and tried to teach him to command a horse. A futile exercise but one he seemed to enjoy. I had just returned from the stable with him in my arms when the cloud of dust could be seen from the palace. I left Avery with Liz and make quick work of cleaning up and changing my clothes. I was seated in my throne when the visitors arrived. I couldn't bring myself to greet them cordially, my wife's parents. They walked in and bowed at the altar. It wasn't fair of me to take out my distaste of their daughter on them but she was a product of their upbringing. When I motioned to them that they could speak, Ed opened his mouth. "We were not allowed to see our daughter. They forced us here, first."
"As it should be." I shrugged at him. "I'm the King. She's my wife, not your daughter any longer."
"An oven to you from what I hear."
"Watch your tone, Ed." I warned.
"Two children, she's given you and we've yet to see a one. You keep her with child and she cannot travel to see us though you dragged her to Owusti in the midst of the unrest. Lady Nikas told me all about it."
"What Lady Nikas neglected to tell you was I was unaware of the unrest as she forgot to tell my messenger when I sent him. I received no reports of unrest two weeks before arriving. She allowed her people to get out of control. They shot out my ship, nearly killing us all. Your daughter and grandson included."
Ed was silent and I could see that his wife, Sivan, was very unhappy. She dared to cross the altar to speak to me. "Larek is ruining our lands."
"Lord Larek has been entrusted to lands neighboring yours. They aren't your lands." I corrected her forgetfulness of Lord Larek's title and where her lands ended.
"His laws are not our laws."
"His laws have been approved by me. Don't forget your place, Sivan." I warned her when she stopped at the base of the dais. The throne room was empty save for us and two soldiers. "Battalion leader Rath, take your man and wait outside."
"Yes, sir." The soldier nodded and they were soon outside.
"I have been wanting to discuss a few things with you." I told them, reclining in my chair. "Were you aware of your daughter's hedonistic ways?"
Sivan turned away from me and Ed paled. "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."
"You and I had several discussions before I officially affianced your daughter. Ava was a beautiful girl. You assured me in her studiousness and her devoutness and I believed you. I believed every word you told me about her. I believed every word out of her mouth and now… I know better."
"What are you saying?" Ed whispered.
"That you sent me a nectar-strung prostitute in the guise of a pious virgin… now, now." I motioned with my hand for them to be silent when it seemed they would burst out. "She was a virgin and once I took to my duties as King, she took to duties as a whore. I want to know why she thought that would be tolerated."
"Your highness." It was the first they had addressed me as such. Such a lack of respect from those who were supposed to enforce my will while I could not attend the lands personally.
"I should kill her. In the old ways. Behead my wife and pike her head in the square with a proclamation read aloud listing all her sins. The theft of sacred nectars. The adultery she committed in my royal chambers with a member of the royal guard. The abuse she inflicts on my servants in my absence. She neglects her religious duties when I am not here. She tried to kill me once. She wronged a servant in such a way that I am not sure I can word it correctly to do the crime justice. Tell me if that's the way you raise your children in the Qeonilt." I watched them and they didn't look guilty or ashamed. They looked caught. "I am well within the laws of the land to be rid of her. I can always find a new queen."
"If she committed these crimes, in truth, why is she still breathing?" Ed's voice was the quietest I had ever heard him. "Have you already dispatched my daughter? Is that why she hasn't been home?"
"No, she's alive." I sat up to look at them. "I cannot punish you for what she's done. The situation around here has changed, Ed. Sivan. Ava has not been allowed out of her room in two and a half years. I forbid it. I've not touched her myself in over three. I've hit her, to be sure. I don't take pride in that. I would avoid having her skin touch mine at all costs. I would not even strike her if I didn't think it was necessary as it is sometimes the only way to get through to her. My father beat me. I sure you know that. I don't believe it is the answer to our world's problems."
"You would keep our daughter captive?" Sivan crept back behind the altar.
"I have no choice. She did try to kill me and a servant in our sleep."
"Because you took a lover." Ed found his backbone.
"No. I haven't. I am loyal to my wedding vows, so much more so than your whore of a daughter. I won't kill her unless I have to. No one knows of her… indiscretions save for myself and the Bawo and now you. Bawo Lodona and I have all the details though. The old ways of the monarchy will not be upheld. My law is the only law." Their quiet discomfited me.
Sivan turned to face me. "If you haven't touched her in years and you maintain you upheld your vows, how are there children?"
"Yes. The children." I hadn't wanted to bring Liz into the situation but it could not be avoided. "One of the crimes your daughter committed must be explained in detail. I was to take a surrogate as Ava is not able to have children due to her addiction. She chose the woman. Bawo deemed the woman fit. As it turned out Ava stole nectar reserved for marriage vows. She replaced it with what I was supposed to drink. She fired the surrogate and replaced her with a 16-year-old seminary student she'd drugged with a birthday cake. A virgin who had never been touched by a man in her life." The both of them looked stricken. "You recall that she spent weeks with you the last you saw her. She was hiding because she didn't know what she had truly done. She was not devout. She could not have known the consequences because neither of you taught them to her. That child became my surrogate. As far as all of Antar is concerned, those children are Ava's. Those children are your grandchildren and you will treat them as such."
"What?" Sivan blanched and sank to her knees.
"You heard me. You will perpetuate what Ava set into place. It will be your penance for allowing a child to grow up thinking that servants are not people who matter. That she can beat young girls because she feels like it. To not care about the virtue of a seminary student. To think that murder is a viable option. That adultery is expected. My marriage to your daughter is dead. She will live but in the prison that I choose for her, forced to acknowledge children she did not birth because she is vile." Three years of venom came spewing out of my mouth. "If I have more children, you will treat those as your blood kin because I order it so. If you tell anyone, any one soul out there that they aren't… then you concede your lands."
"What?" Ed's head snapped up.
"The Qeonilt will join the lands in Lord Larek's domain and your riches divided amongst the far reaches. Your title… lost."
"You can't do this."
"Who would contradict me? Pampering two children and keeping your mouth shut is a small price to pay for the gift of your daughter's life. Ecpi is looking like a good alternative to your daughter. You must realize how serious I am. I can't be in the same room with her. She has been warned about the safety of my children. To protect your good name, she has committed to my demands. Perhaps that is her one virtue, though respect for face isn’t something I highly value."
"Lady Nikas will appeal." Sivan tried weakly.
"Lady Nikas has lost favor with me. She insulted the widow of a felled officer in my royal guard."
"It's not your place to defend the peons."
"If I don't… who will?" I stared them down. "Ava and I took down the class system. Your lands are the last to obey. I suggest that you do it. I'm tired. I hate this. I only do it because I don't like the thought of killing my wife. I'll let you see her but I need you to understand something. You must impress upon her the need to behave herself. The next time I have to lock her in the bed, she's not coming out alive."
"Yes, your highness." They bowed and exited the throne room. I was left to my thoughts. I felt ill. The pleasure had been momentary. I had used my position to blackmail an outcome. I told myself that it needed to be done.
I made my way up to my rooms. I waved off the Qeoni conversing in the bedchamber and moved through my bathing room to Liz's room where Danei was feeding and Avery playing with a pillow he'd liberated from the bed. He held up his arms to me and I didn't hesitate to take him into my arms. When Bawo joined us, I realized that my whole family was restricted to the contents of the room because I had chosen my bride poorly. As one, we rose and gathered the children to meet Ed and Sivan. They were silent as they assessed the boy and girl that I called prince and princess. Ed's eyes burned me. These were not his grandchildren and he could tell just by looking at them. They had no pale skin or fair hair. My children were olive toned and had sable heads of hair. Eyes like rich honey or, as I contemplated my son's eyes, roan. I could not expect them to love my children as I did but I did expect them to lavish them with gifts and tokens.
With a look, I reminded them of what their daughter had become to me and Sivan took Danei into her arms. "I suppose her mother was of decent breeding that the children are handsome enough."
"Daughter of a magistrate." I spoke as if Liz were not in the room. "Highly educated for her region until the droughts." I had to leave. I touched Liz lightly on the shoulder and leaned in to whisper in her ear. "They will send gifts to your children. Accept them as if your father had sent them."
I sat on my pallet that night and waited for Liz to return with my children but when she returned, she was without them. I saw sadness in her eyes when she lay down to sleep. When her shoulders began to hitch, I broke my own vow. I had said I would not go to her until she asked but I couldn't bear to watch her cry herself to sleep. I crept into her bed and comforted her. She held onto me and cried her eyes out while I reassured her that I was not taking her children away from her, but adding to their lives.
Present Day. King Zan's chambers.
I ponder this. "Is it possible they had parties who would kill her? If they knew what she had become?"
"It is possible, I suppose." Father nods. "I do not know what happened. I cannot say."
19 years ago.
My wife's parents stayed for two months. I took to hiding in Liz's rooms under the guise of caring for my children. It was inevitable, my leaving, but I wouldn't until they were well out of my palace. I had practically moved into her chambers. Vices and all. I could hear them arguing with Ava. It was grating on my nerves. The rain had kept us all indoors for days. I had enough. I needed to relax. I needed sleep. So I took out my pouch and rolled myself a cigarette. I had planned to keep near to the window to send the smoke outside. I had just begun to relax when Liz walked in with her laundry. She sniffed the air and gripped a wall. She stared at me with her eyebrows raised. "What are you doing?"
"Relaxing." I shrugged at her and took a deep draw.
"Not in here. It makes me sick. It's bad enough I have to smell you when you come from outside smelling like that weed." She moved slowly but steadily as she put away her things. "I won't have my clothes stinking as well."
"I'm almost done."
"Do it someplace else." She tossed a pillow at me. "You won't sleep in here, not smelling like that weed."
"You're ordering me?"
"Yes. I am ordering you." Liz strode across the room, her eyes glazing over but she was angry. She plucked the cigarette from my mouth and tossed it out the window. "If you want it, go after it. I will not allow you in my room smelling of that smoke. My children will not be exposed to that filthy, disgusting weed." She looked so angry and beautiful that I wanted to kiss her. I reached for her but she backed out of my range. "I don't reward bad behavior."
"Will you punish it?" I followed her as she backed around the room. "Send me to bed?" She ducked under my arms, tossing pillows at me from the bed. "Will you yell? Call me names? Spank me?"
"I should but I think you would enjoy it far too much." Liz backed away but was caught by her chest of drawers. "Any punishment I give might be a reward for you."
"You're right about that." I had her caught, I was closing in. Then we heard Danei wailing from Ava's room.
"Someone's hungry."
"More than just one someone." I backed away and let her tend to our child. The weed had slowed in my system and I crashed. I fell on the bed and slept for the first time in days. When I woke, Liz and both my children were in bed with me. I watched them. All three of them until Liz woke in the early morning. She lifted her head from the pillow to look at me before setting it back down. "Morning."
"Good morning, your highness."
"Did you mean what you said last night?"
"I did. I'm only thinking of their safety. If the weed puts me to sleep, what will it do to them? They are so young. It could not be good."
"You're right." I had to concede to her point. The weed had knocked her unconscious for a good long while after brief exposure. My children were her children and that could become an issue. "When they are gone, so is my pouch of geroa."
"My Lord?"
"Yes?"
"Why do you let me talk to you this way?"
"You're the only one who holds me accountable for my actions, Liz." I watched the half of her face that I could see. "Why do you let me sleep in your bed?"
"Because you're the only person in the palace aside from Bawo who treats me like I matter." I saw the shine in her eye and it sparked wetness in my own. "I think you're crazy to chase after me as if I were a Lady but I can't deny that I feel good when you do."
"I'm besotted, Liz. I can't help it. Spending time with you makes me feel like I'm a person. Like I matter. Being a king means that I have no one to turn to. I should have my wife but…"
"I understand. She is not the person you thought she was."
"No, she isn't. I can't kill her, though."
"I understand."
"Liz, call me Zan."
"I can't."
"Why?"
"Because if I become that comfortable, then I have become hopeless. I loved my husband, your highness. I loved him with all my heart and he is gone a year and some months. I… am just beginning to feel like myself again. I've had little reason to smile and I have felt guilty when I have because David is not here to share it with me. I smiled yesterday, your highness. I smiled and laughed with you but I didn't feel guilty…"
"Do you feel guilty about that?" I gently chuckled at her.
"A bit."
"Forgive me for not sticking to my promise to let you alone. The geroa…"
"I know. It makes you relax and randy at the same time… though I don't know how that is possible."
"When I am with you, it is very easy."
TBC
Learns to be patient
Present Day. King Zan's chambers.
Father looks up when I enter his room. It's late but there are still things to discuss. The panic in his eyes tells me that he hasn't heard. "She didn't go far. She just snuck into the nursery to feed the baby. I gave a mandate that she and the baby will stay in Liz's rooms."
"Good. That's good." His eyes cool and he sinks onto the bed. "I will see you tomorrow, then."
"No. We'll continue until I can find something in all that you say that will point to someone else. To prove Liz innocent, I have to prove someone else guilty."
"Fine…"
19 years ago.
I took Liz out for walks. It was a week before she agreed to the suggestion. I carried my son because he was heavier and she carried my daughter. We hardly spoke at all but there came an ease that grew between us. I couldn't express myself for fear she would run away from me or someone would overhear. So we simply walked. Sometimes we would share a laugh over a word our son had learned. Sometimes I helped when Danei needed her diaper changed. If anyone thought it was odd that I accompanied my nursemaid on walks with my children, they never said anything. But who were they to question the actions of their king.
Often, when I met her eyes, she looked away but her eyes always returned to mine. Brown. I had seen many beauties with blue or green or even hazel like my own. But to see a brown-eyed woman who took my breath away. She could close her eyes and peer up at me from beneath those lashes and my knees would go weak. I didn't touch her. I did as Bawo instructed. I let her make the first step.
One day, I took a small group of soldiers with us so we could play with Avery in the creek. When asked why the queen was not accompanying us, I simply told them that she was still recovering. That bearing children was not an easy feat for one so fragile as a queen. The lies came so easily after a while. Making excuses for why Ava was never out of her room, when before, she was all over the palace and countryside.
I watched Liz step carefully into the water. She had to be thinking horrible things about the power of water after the debacle at Owusti. Avery had no such fears and bounded in on his unsteady legs and promptly fell in up to his waist. I held onto my daughter in the shade while the two of them splashed in the shallow water. Little Danei, dozing and making faces in her sleep. I never once wished her curls were blonde or her eyes were blue. I couldn't have my children any other way.
My father often said that children were a reflection of their parents and until that moment, I never appreciated what he said. My mother was a good woman and father's death had devastated her, cloistered away in a chapel near her homelands. Perhaps it was her unerring faith and the Bawo's hand that had led me to my path. I certainly hadn't put Father's ways into my mind.
Liz's influence on our children would be the key to them turning out just the way I imagined. Just the way I wanted the world to look at me through my children. My son with her eyes, taking it all in for the wondrous first time. My daughter with her delicate features, infusing the world with much needed beauty.
"Your highness." A male voice interrupted my revelry. I turned to acknowledge the soldier. "Should we not be advancing into Owusti on a more permanent basis?"
"What's your name?" I asked, curious about this bold young man.
"Rath, sir. Battalion leader Five."
"Well, Rath, I have one month in which I am home. What do you do when you are home?"
"I… don't have a home per se." He stammered.
"But if you did."
"I would be playing at being a soldier."
"But playing. I have two young children whom I will not get to see on our next grand adventure, Battalion leader Rath. This might not look like much to you but it is the world to me." I stood and showed him my daughter. "I was not here for much of her mother's pregnancy and she nearly came too early. This is your princess to serve for the rest of your life. I spend time with her now because I can enjoy it. When I return, she will be much grown. When you find a woman and create a child, you will understand. You will be blessed and you can never take your blessings for granted."
A wail interrupted my lesson to the soldier. When I turned, Liz had my son in her arms, both dripping wet and blood seeping from a cut on his knee. I pressed my daughter into the unwitting soldier's arms and raced off to tend to my injured child.
"We slipped and I didn't see the rocks." Liz rushed to explain but I was already taking him from her and had placed my hand over his knee.
"Avery, sh." I whispered. He wailed and clung to my robes, soaking me through with water. "Avery, calm down." It took only a moment to heal the scrape but he still screamed. I held him against me until he calmed. By this time, Liz had already wrung out her skirts and had taken the baby from the scared soldier. His gaze flicked over her legs and her breasts when Liz began shifting around to feed our daughter.
He must have seen me watching because when his eyes met mine, he knew that I hadn't approved of his leering at Liz. He backed away and ordered his men that I was ready to go. When the horses were brought, I set Liz and Danei on one and advised Rath to lead his men at a slow march while Danei fed. I took my son on my own horse, teaching him about the plants and trees we passed. So smart, my son. The sun dried our clothes and Avery had forgotten that he had been injured at all.
When we reached the palace, I sent Liz and Danei inside and sent the guards on to their duties but I stayed out with my son and tried to teach him to command a horse. A futile exercise but one he seemed to enjoy. I had just returned from the stable with him in my arms when the cloud of dust could be seen from the palace. I left Avery with Liz and make quick work of cleaning up and changing my clothes. I was seated in my throne when the visitors arrived. I couldn't bring myself to greet them cordially, my wife's parents. They walked in and bowed at the altar. It wasn't fair of me to take out my distaste of their daughter on them but she was a product of their upbringing. When I motioned to them that they could speak, Ed opened his mouth. "We were not allowed to see our daughter. They forced us here, first."
"As it should be." I shrugged at him. "I'm the King. She's my wife, not your daughter any longer."
"An oven to you from what I hear."
"Watch your tone, Ed." I warned.
"Two children, she's given you and we've yet to see a one. You keep her with child and she cannot travel to see us though you dragged her to Owusti in the midst of the unrest. Lady Nikas told me all about it."
"What Lady Nikas neglected to tell you was I was unaware of the unrest as she forgot to tell my messenger when I sent him. I received no reports of unrest two weeks before arriving. She allowed her people to get out of control. They shot out my ship, nearly killing us all. Your daughter and grandson included."
Ed was silent and I could see that his wife, Sivan, was very unhappy. She dared to cross the altar to speak to me. "Larek is ruining our lands."
"Lord Larek has been entrusted to lands neighboring yours. They aren't your lands." I corrected her forgetfulness of Lord Larek's title and where her lands ended.
"His laws are not our laws."
"His laws have been approved by me. Don't forget your place, Sivan." I warned her when she stopped at the base of the dais. The throne room was empty save for us and two soldiers. "Battalion leader Rath, take your man and wait outside."
"Yes, sir." The soldier nodded and they were soon outside.
"I have been wanting to discuss a few things with you." I told them, reclining in my chair. "Were you aware of your daughter's hedonistic ways?"
Sivan turned away from me and Ed paled. "I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about."
"You and I had several discussions before I officially affianced your daughter. Ava was a beautiful girl. You assured me in her studiousness and her devoutness and I believed you. I believed every word you told me about her. I believed every word out of her mouth and now… I know better."
"What are you saying?" Ed whispered.
"That you sent me a nectar-strung prostitute in the guise of a pious virgin… now, now." I motioned with my hand for them to be silent when it seemed they would burst out. "She was a virgin and once I took to my duties as King, she took to duties as a whore. I want to know why she thought that would be tolerated."
"Your highness." It was the first they had addressed me as such. Such a lack of respect from those who were supposed to enforce my will while I could not attend the lands personally.
"I should kill her. In the old ways. Behead my wife and pike her head in the square with a proclamation read aloud listing all her sins. The theft of sacred nectars. The adultery she committed in my royal chambers with a member of the royal guard. The abuse she inflicts on my servants in my absence. She neglects her religious duties when I am not here. She tried to kill me once. She wronged a servant in such a way that I am not sure I can word it correctly to do the crime justice. Tell me if that's the way you raise your children in the Qeonilt." I watched them and they didn't look guilty or ashamed. They looked caught. "I am well within the laws of the land to be rid of her. I can always find a new queen."
"If she committed these crimes, in truth, why is she still breathing?" Ed's voice was the quietest I had ever heard him. "Have you already dispatched my daughter? Is that why she hasn't been home?"
"No, she's alive." I sat up to look at them. "I cannot punish you for what she's done. The situation around here has changed, Ed. Sivan. Ava has not been allowed out of her room in two and a half years. I forbid it. I've not touched her myself in over three. I've hit her, to be sure. I don't take pride in that. I would avoid having her skin touch mine at all costs. I would not even strike her if I didn't think it was necessary as it is sometimes the only way to get through to her. My father beat me. I sure you know that. I don't believe it is the answer to our world's problems."
"You would keep our daughter captive?" Sivan crept back behind the altar.
"I have no choice. She did try to kill me and a servant in our sleep."
"Because you took a lover." Ed found his backbone.
"No. I haven't. I am loyal to my wedding vows, so much more so than your whore of a daughter. I won't kill her unless I have to. No one knows of her… indiscretions save for myself and the Bawo and now you. Bawo Lodona and I have all the details though. The old ways of the monarchy will not be upheld. My law is the only law." Their quiet discomfited me.
Sivan turned to face me. "If you haven't touched her in years and you maintain you upheld your vows, how are there children?"
"Yes. The children." I hadn't wanted to bring Liz into the situation but it could not be avoided. "One of the crimes your daughter committed must be explained in detail. I was to take a surrogate as Ava is not able to have children due to her addiction. She chose the woman. Bawo deemed the woman fit. As it turned out Ava stole nectar reserved for marriage vows. She replaced it with what I was supposed to drink. She fired the surrogate and replaced her with a 16-year-old seminary student she'd drugged with a birthday cake. A virgin who had never been touched by a man in her life." The both of them looked stricken. "You recall that she spent weeks with you the last you saw her. She was hiding because she didn't know what she had truly done. She was not devout. She could not have known the consequences because neither of you taught them to her. That child became my surrogate. As far as all of Antar is concerned, those children are Ava's. Those children are your grandchildren and you will treat them as such."
"What?" Sivan blanched and sank to her knees.
"You heard me. You will perpetuate what Ava set into place. It will be your penance for allowing a child to grow up thinking that servants are not people who matter. That she can beat young girls because she feels like it. To not care about the virtue of a seminary student. To think that murder is a viable option. That adultery is expected. My marriage to your daughter is dead. She will live but in the prison that I choose for her, forced to acknowledge children she did not birth because she is vile." Three years of venom came spewing out of my mouth. "If I have more children, you will treat those as your blood kin because I order it so. If you tell anyone, any one soul out there that they aren't… then you concede your lands."
"What?" Ed's head snapped up.
"The Qeonilt will join the lands in Lord Larek's domain and your riches divided amongst the far reaches. Your title… lost."
"You can't do this."
"Who would contradict me? Pampering two children and keeping your mouth shut is a small price to pay for the gift of your daughter's life. Ecpi is looking like a good alternative to your daughter. You must realize how serious I am. I can't be in the same room with her. She has been warned about the safety of my children. To protect your good name, she has committed to my demands. Perhaps that is her one virtue, though respect for face isn’t something I highly value."
"Lady Nikas will appeal." Sivan tried weakly.
"Lady Nikas has lost favor with me. She insulted the widow of a felled officer in my royal guard."
"It's not your place to defend the peons."
"If I don't… who will?" I stared them down. "Ava and I took down the class system. Your lands are the last to obey. I suggest that you do it. I'm tired. I hate this. I only do it because I don't like the thought of killing my wife. I'll let you see her but I need you to understand something. You must impress upon her the need to behave herself. The next time I have to lock her in the bed, she's not coming out alive."
"Yes, your highness." They bowed and exited the throne room. I was left to my thoughts. I felt ill. The pleasure had been momentary. I had used my position to blackmail an outcome. I told myself that it needed to be done.
I made my way up to my rooms. I waved off the Qeoni conversing in the bedchamber and moved through my bathing room to Liz's room where Danei was feeding and Avery playing with a pillow he'd liberated from the bed. He held up his arms to me and I didn't hesitate to take him into my arms. When Bawo joined us, I realized that my whole family was restricted to the contents of the room because I had chosen my bride poorly. As one, we rose and gathered the children to meet Ed and Sivan. They were silent as they assessed the boy and girl that I called prince and princess. Ed's eyes burned me. These were not his grandchildren and he could tell just by looking at them. They had no pale skin or fair hair. My children were olive toned and had sable heads of hair. Eyes like rich honey or, as I contemplated my son's eyes, roan. I could not expect them to love my children as I did but I did expect them to lavish them with gifts and tokens.
With a look, I reminded them of what their daughter had become to me and Sivan took Danei into her arms. "I suppose her mother was of decent breeding that the children are handsome enough."
"Daughter of a magistrate." I spoke as if Liz were not in the room. "Highly educated for her region until the droughts." I had to leave. I touched Liz lightly on the shoulder and leaned in to whisper in her ear. "They will send gifts to your children. Accept them as if your father had sent them."
I sat on my pallet that night and waited for Liz to return with my children but when she returned, she was without them. I saw sadness in her eyes when she lay down to sleep. When her shoulders began to hitch, I broke my own vow. I had said I would not go to her until she asked but I couldn't bear to watch her cry herself to sleep. I crept into her bed and comforted her. She held onto me and cried her eyes out while I reassured her that I was not taking her children away from her, but adding to their lives.
Present Day. King Zan's chambers.
I ponder this. "Is it possible they had parties who would kill her? If they knew what she had become?"
"It is possible, I suppose." Father nods. "I do not know what happened. I cannot say."
19 years ago.
My wife's parents stayed for two months. I took to hiding in Liz's rooms under the guise of caring for my children. It was inevitable, my leaving, but I wouldn't until they were well out of my palace. I had practically moved into her chambers. Vices and all. I could hear them arguing with Ava. It was grating on my nerves. The rain had kept us all indoors for days. I had enough. I needed to relax. I needed sleep. So I took out my pouch and rolled myself a cigarette. I had planned to keep near to the window to send the smoke outside. I had just begun to relax when Liz walked in with her laundry. She sniffed the air and gripped a wall. She stared at me with her eyebrows raised. "What are you doing?"
"Relaxing." I shrugged at her and took a deep draw.
"Not in here. It makes me sick. It's bad enough I have to smell you when you come from outside smelling like that weed." She moved slowly but steadily as she put away her things. "I won't have my clothes stinking as well."
"I'm almost done."
"Do it someplace else." She tossed a pillow at me. "You won't sleep in here, not smelling like that weed."
"You're ordering me?"
"Yes. I am ordering you." Liz strode across the room, her eyes glazing over but she was angry. She plucked the cigarette from my mouth and tossed it out the window. "If you want it, go after it. I will not allow you in my room smelling of that smoke. My children will not be exposed to that filthy, disgusting weed." She looked so angry and beautiful that I wanted to kiss her. I reached for her but she backed out of my range. "I don't reward bad behavior."
"Will you punish it?" I followed her as she backed around the room. "Send me to bed?" She ducked under my arms, tossing pillows at me from the bed. "Will you yell? Call me names? Spank me?"
"I should but I think you would enjoy it far too much." Liz backed away but was caught by her chest of drawers. "Any punishment I give might be a reward for you."
"You're right about that." I had her caught, I was closing in. Then we heard Danei wailing from Ava's room.
"Someone's hungry."
"More than just one someone." I backed away and let her tend to our child. The weed had slowed in my system and I crashed. I fell on the bed and slept for the first time in days. When I woke, Liz and both my children were in bed with me. I watched them. All three of them until Liz woke in the early morning. She lifted her head from the pillow to look at me before setting it back down. "Morning."
"Good morning, your highness."
"Did you mean what you said last night?"
"I did. I'm only thinking of their safety. If the weed puts me to sleep, what will it do to them? They are so young. It could not be good."
"You're right." I had to concede to her point. The weed had knocked her unconscious for a good long while after brief exposure. My children were her children and that could become an issue. "When they are gone, so is my pouch of geroa."
"My Lord?"
"Yes?"
"Why do you let me talk to you this way?"
"You're the only one who holds me accountable for my actions, Liz." I watched the half of her face that I could see. "Why do you let me sleep in your bed?"
"Because you're the only person in the palace aside from Bawo who treats me like I matter." I saw the shine in her eye and it sparked wetness in my own. "I think you're crazy to chase after me as if I were a Lady but I can't deny that I feel good when you do."
"I'm besotted, Liz. I can't help it. Spending time with you makes me feel like I'm a person. Like I matter. Being a king means that I have no one to turn to. I should have my wife but…"
"I understand. She is not the person you thought she was."
"No, she isn't. I can't kill her, though."
"I understand."
"Liz, call me Zan."
"I can't."
"Why?"
"Because if I become that comfortable, then I have become hopeless. I loved my husband, your highness. I loved him with all my heart and he is gone a year and some months. I… am just beginning to feel like myself again. I've had little reason to smile and I have felt guilty when I have because David is not here to share it with me. I smiled yesterday, your highness. I smiled and laughed with you but I didn't feel guilty…"
"Do you feel guilty about that?" I gently chuckled at her.
"A bit."
"Forgive me for not sticking to my promise to let you alone. The geroa…"
"I know. It makes you relax and randy at the same time… though I don't know how that is possible."
"When I am with you, it is very easy."
TBC
The Queen of Antar
Reaches into the past
Present Day. Zan's Chambers.
"They're all hers, aren't they?" I ask my father, already knowing the answer. "All of us. All nine…"
"Of course." He smiles to himself, proud of his large family. "When we learned about Vlastina… she yelled at me that she's been pregnant or breastfeeding since she was 16. She's so beautiful when she's with child, though." He clears his throat and I know it's coming. Things he needs to tell me. "It has been the practice of Antarian Royals to use a surrogate for heirs. I was born of my mother, the queen, but I was nursed by the royal nursemaid. My father was born of a surrogate and so on and back through our line. Sometimes it was made public and sometimes it was hidden as I have done. It was a tradition that I found abhorrent. I never wanted that for myself. It did not adhere to the laws I had learned as a student under Bawo Lodona." His face broke into a smile. "She was my nursemaid when I was young. A student then. She was ordained shortly after my mother and father stopped sharing a bed."
"How long ago was that? I thought she had lived since the first Y'Antaru."
"I used to think the same thing. She's younger than she looks… but not by much any more, I suppose."
"Bawo was a nursemaid? I always thought she was a princess who was… devout."
"Is that the story your generation tells each other?" He rolls a cigarette and waves off my interested look. "It's just tobacco… and I don't smoke cigars anymore… not really, anyway."
"So, Bawo Lodona used to change your diapers?"
"She did. Some of yours, too."
"If it's such a tradition? Why hide us?" I stare at him and he avoids my gaze. "The politics?"
"I was trying to make a statement. I was trying for love and I was wrong about her. I couldn't know that I would be. To admit that my administration was based on faulty logic. It was selfish but I couldn't do what my father did. I couldn't let my emotions take from my people the things they should have because of… I perpetuated a lie of happiness because I needed them to see that I had that. So they would strive for it… but I had it. I… I love her, Avery. I love her and she bore my children and I have been so blessed with her… I just… couldn't let my people see me make a mistake."
"But you're the king."
"Yes and I have respect and loyalty now… but then… I was still new."
"And needing to build the contacts your father had maintained all his life."
"Exactly."
18 years ago.
Rebuilding our lands took time. I was busy. My people had to travel to me so that I could hear all their grievances. I spent many days in court, taking few breaks only because I knew that I would see my children at night. I would see Liz in her rooms. We would talk and we would play and we would sleep. As the children got older, Liz needed help because they could both walk and get into trouble. I let Ava out of her bed… and then I let her out of the bedchambers. I watched when I could. Servants scattered before her. They remembered how she could be. I watched as they avoided contact with Liz. I didn't wish her to be lonely but I was somehow relieved that they would not converse with her. I liked that I had her all to myself. I loved that she was friendly to them even though they ignored her. I believed she had stopped caring about what they thought of her.
It wasn't until I inadvertently overheard the servants talking that I understood their reluctance to get involved with her and why the few who had come into contact with her often found other places to work. What I found the most beautiful about her, scared everyone else.
"How does the king let her so near to his children? How does the queen? I knew the moment I saw those eyes that there was something wrong with her."
"I heard she's blind but that she's a witch. That's how she moves around like she can see."
"I heard she is a witch and that's how she got Davi to marry her."
"Such a waste, that man on her. She couldn't give him children. Why waste such a man on a barren witch?"
"That's not true. He did get her with child… but the child died. How else could she be available to be a nursemaid? Still, I shudder to think that she could pass her oddness to our prince and princess."
"Why do you think he spends so much time with the children? Probably undoing all her witchcraft. Did you hear what they said he did?"
"What's that?"
"Locked everyone out of her chambers. Not even a woman can enter."
"Do you think he knows what she is?"
"I think he keeps her nearby to protect everyone else."
"No."
"Why else would he have taken her to Owusti? Maybe Davi died because he was trying to save that bat of a wife."
"A bat? Really?"
"You're so gullible." There was a pause before the woman kept talking. "The last one like her I saw was King Aperys's slut."
"Whatever happened to her?"
"What else? She bewitched Commander Kivar and King Zan dispatched with her. That Kivar was never the same. Bawo Lodona said he died of sickness but it wasn't the sickness that killed him. I think it was whatever that Y'Slida did to him. She diseased him."
I shook my head. My servants were gossips and imaginative ones at that. Still, it gave me food for thought. When I sat down with my council, I barely heard a word they said. Somehow I managed to present a plan for the construction of a channel to the barren lands but my mind rested on three individuals somewhere else in my home.
--
I laid in bed and rubbed the bellies of my children as they slept. Liz moved around the room putting away toys and laundry. "Do you know much about your people?"
"Just what I learned from my father." She shrugged and took a seat at the foot of the bed. "They say we came from the stars. That when the first arrived, they saw naught but beauty all over the land. The natives hid from them. High in the mountains. They were amazed by the colors of the natives' eyes. Blue and Green and Violet. They were a simple people with simple things and simple tasks. They knew not of greed or of want. Only of give and aid."
"Then the brown- and grey-eyed strangers brought us a machine. The machine changed everything. The way we worked, the way we thought …"
"Yes." Liz nodded. The shame of her people filtering down. "Things got out of hand. My people destroyed the machine to preserve the natives but the natives turned against us… destroying our ship and the source of all our technology. Stranding us here on Antar for all eternity… to pay our penance by working the barren lands."
"Liz." I spoke softly when it seemed like she would cry. "Those are just stories. They're not true."
"Yes. They are stories. Yes. They are true. Passed down word for word from one Tirera to the next." She insisted as she continued to put away her things for the day. "Maybe it is good that our children have feet in each world so that maybe…"
"Maybe they can teach everyone to put aside the blame and the shame?"
"Maybe." Liz shrugged her shoulders. "Is that why your people don't like my people?"
"I don't think my people really remember your people all that much. The only reason I know so much is because my father told me before he died." Zan sighed and sat up to look her over. "Tirera are like the boogeyman. They tell stories to children. No self-respecting adult really believes them."
"You'll have to tell me what they think of my people. No one talks to me."
"They say you're witches and sorcerers."
"No. We don't have those gifts. Not like the Y'Antari." She whispered. "My people were good with machines… but we don't have machines anymore."
"They ever told you how advanced my people were when they arrived?"
"It never came up."
Present Day. Zan's Chambers.
"What was all that about?"
"The fact the neither of us really knew our own people despite having been taught thoroughly… or as thoroughly as could be managed." Father has that look in his eyes. "It's another rite that we perform. I'm supposed to share with you how evil the Tirera are. Old grudges. None of it matters, really. Especially with you being who and what you are."
"If you have such high aspirations for me, why haven't you let me in on it all?"
"Because… every time I felt I should tell you, another child was to be born and then the time was gone from me." He places his hands on my shoulders. "I am sorry if you feel that I keep things from you but I never did it intentionally. I was protecting us all. I intend for you to be much older than I was when you ascend this throne."
"So it's all for my own good." I scoff and look away.
"Avery, listen to me. I love you and I have done my best not to do what my father did to me. I wanted you to enjoy your childhood and have you?"
"Well, yes."
"I know that 21 is the last age where you can be considered anything less than a grown man. I haven't forced you to take a wife or to take any woman outside marriage or your interest. I have asked nothing of you but to be the man that we envisioned. To be good. To be fair. To keep your eyes open. Maybe I kept you from battle but there are days enough for fighting. There are days when I pray the fighting will stop. I know that I couldn’t stop you if you really wanted to go. I know that you could leave me and die in a war… but you haven't."
"How can I learn to be good and fair when the only truly great example I have won't have me in his presence?" I counter. Then I see it in his eyes. He's found his mistake. In holding me from danger, he's held himself from me. "I don't care about fighting and being a good man and a just ruler if I… Father… you inspire us all but I… I need to see you. Maybe seeing you often does tempt me more to follow you out but… that's my choice. You've taken it from me." He drops his hands and looks away from me. "You make me think you see me as naïve but who made me that way? Other fathers encourage their sons to seek out adventure and to learn their own ways in the world and you tell me to stay home and look after my mother and Liz… when you should have said my mother and my queen."
I storm out. I have no use for my father this night. I have no use for anyone who would come near to me. I find myself out by the old barn and there it is. A marker for a child who stands above it. I'm seething. I can just stare at it. Avery Peyrs. What would have happened if they had run away with me? What kind of life would I have had? Would David still have died? Would he have raised me as his own? I feel guilty. I love my father. He is a good man. A fair man. A just man. He loves too much.
That's how Larek finds me. Staring at the marker and crying.
"It is too much for you?" He asks.
"No. It's not." I'm running words through my head and I turn to him. He's not as knowledgeable as my father but maybe he knows. "Where did my eyes come from?"
"From your father." He laughs at me.
"No. Our eyes are Amber. Not Blue. Not Green. Not Violet. Where did our eyes come from?"
"From the first, your line has had such eyes. Between Brown and Yellow." Larek shakes his head at me. "Who do you visit?"
"A child born in the same moment as I but not given a chance to live." I perpetuate the lie. "Liz's child."
"Oh." He shrinks back just a bit. "Why is it buried here?"
"He is buried here because he was conceived in this barn. Of love from one to another. Fresh vows pledged inside its walls. Died while his father was away with the water train. Just minutes old."
"What does this have to do with our interviews?"
"Ava is the reason the child is in the ground and not in his parents' arms."
"Are you saying that Liz killed your mother?"
"No. I'm saying that Queen Ava could have many more enemies than a child she plucked from innocence to raise her children. I'm saying that Queen Ava is not the woman that we thought she was. I'm saying that I have more digging to do."
TBC
Reaches into the past
Present Day. Zan's Chambers.
"They're all hers, aren't they?" I ask my father, already knowing the answer. "All of us. All nine…"
"Of course." He smiles to himself, proud of his large family. "When we learned about Vlastina… she yelled at me that she's been pregnant or breastfeeding since she was 16. She's so beautiful when she's with child, though." He clears his throat and I know it's coming. Things he needs to tell me. "It has been the practice of Antarian Royals to use a surrogate for heirs. I was born of my mother, the queen, but I was nursed by the royal nursemaid. My father was born of a surrogate and so on and back through our line. Sometimes it was made public and sometimes it was hidden as I have done. It was a tradition that I found abhorrent. I never wanted that for myself. It did not adhere to the laws I had learned as a student under Bawo Lodona." His face broke into a smile. "She was my nursemaid when I was young. A student then. She was ordained shortly after my mother and father stopped sharing a bed."
"How long ago was that? I thought she had lived since the first Y'Antaru."
"I used to think the same thing. She's younger than she looks… but not by much any more, I suppose."
"Bawo was a nursemaid? I always thought she was a princess who was… devout."
"Is that the story your generation tells each other?" He rolls a cigarette and waves off my interested look. "It's just tobacco… and I don't smoke cigars anymore… not really, anyway."
"So, Bawo Lodona used to change your diapers?"
"She did. Some of yours, too."
"If it's such a tradition? Why hide us?" I stare at him and he avoids my gaze. "The politics?"
"I was trying to make a statement. I was trying for love and I was wrong about her. I couldn't know that I would be. To admit that my administration was based on faulty logic. It was selfish but I couldn't do what my father did. I couldn't let my emotions take from my people the things they should have because of… I perpetuated a lie of happiness because I needed them to see that I had that. So they would strive for it… but I had it. I… I love her, Avery. I love her and she bore my children and I have been so blessed with her… I just… couldn't let my people see me make a mistake."
"But you're the king."
"Yes and I have respect and loyalty now… but then… I was still new."
"And needing to build the contacts your father had maintained all his life."
"Exactly."
18 years ago.
Rebuilding our lands took time. I was busy. My people had to travel to me so that I could hear all their grievances. I spent many days in court, taking few breaks only because I knew that I would see my children at night. I would see Liz in her rooms. We would talk and we would play and we would sleep. As the children got older, Liz needed help because they could both walk and get into trouble. I let Ava out of her bed… and then I let her out of the bedchambers. I watched when I could. Servants scattered before her. They remembered how she could be. I watched as they avoided contact with Liz. I didn't wish her to be lonely but I was somehow relieved that they would not converse with her. I liked that I had her all to myself. I loved that she was friendly to them even though they ignored her. I believed she had stopped caring about what they thought of her.
It wasn't until I inadvertently overheard the servants talking that I understood their reluctance to get involved with her and why the few who had come into contact with her often found other places to work. What I found the most beautiful about her, scared everyone else.
"How does the king let her so near to his children? How does the queen? I knew the moment I saw those eyes that there was something wrong with her."
"I heard she's blind but that she's a witch. That's how she moves around like she can see."
"I heard she is a witch and that's how she got Davi to marry her."
"Such a waste, that man on her. She couldn't give him children. Why waste such a man on a barren witch?"
"That's not true. He did get her with child… but the child died. How else could she be available to be a nursemaid? Still, I shudder to think that she could pass her oddness to our prince and princess."
"Why do you think he spends so much time with the children? Probably undoing all her witchcraft. Did you hear what they said he did?"
"What's that?"
"Locked everyone out of her chambers. Not even a woman can enter."
"Do you think he knows what she is?"
"I think he keeps her nearby to protect everyone else."
"No."
"Why else would he have taken her to Owusti? Maybe Davi died because he was trying to save that bat of a wife."
"A bat? Really?"
"You're so gullible." There was a pause before the woman kept talking. "The last one like her I saw was King Aperys's slut."
"Whatever happened to her?"
"What else? She bewitched Commander Kivar and King Zan dispatched with her. That Kivar was never the same. Bawo Lodona said he died of sickness but it wasn't the sickness that killed him. I think it was whatever that Y'Slida did to him. She diseased him."
I shook my head. My servants were gossips and imaginative ones at that. Still, it gave me food for thought. When I sat down with my council, I barely heard a word they said. Somehow I managed to present a plan for the construction of a channel to the barren lands but my mind rested on three individuals somewhere else in my home.
--
I laid in bed and rubbed the bellies of my children as they slept. Liz moved around the room putting away toys and laundry. "Do you know much about your people?"
"Just what I learned from my father." She shrugged and took a seat at the foot of the bed. "They say we came from the stars. That when the first arrived, they saw naught but beauty all over the land. The natives hid from them. High in the mountains. They were amazed by the colors of the natives' eyes. Blue and Green and Violet. They were a simple people with simple things and simple tasks. They knew not of greed or of want. Only of give and aid."
"Then the brown- and grey-eyed strangers brought us a machine. The machine changed everything. The way we worked, the way we thought …"
"Yes." Liz nodded. The shame of her people filtering down. "Things got out of hand. My people destroyed the machine to preserve the natives but the natives turned against us… destroying our ship and the source of all our technology. Stranding us here on Antar for all eternity… to pay our penance by working the barren lands."
"Liz." I spoke softly when it seemed like she would cry. "Those are just stories. They're not true."
"Yes. They are stories. Yes. They are true. Passed down word for word from one Tirera to the next." She insisted as she continued to put away her things for the day. "Maybe it is good that our children have feet in each world so that maybe…"
"Maybe they can teach everyone to put aside the blame and the shame?"
"Maybe." Liz shrugged her shoulders. "Is that why your people don't like my people?"
"I don't think my people really remember your people all that much. The only reason I know so much is because my father told me before he died." Zan sighed and sat up to look her over. "Tirera are like the boogeyman. They tell stories to children. No self-respecting adult really believes them."
"You'll have to tell me what they think of my people. No one talks to me."
"They say you're witches and sorcerers."
"No. We don't have those gifts. Not like the Y'Antari." She whispered. "My people were good with machines… but we don't have machines anymore."
"They ever told you how advanced my people were when they arrived?"
"It never came up."
Present Day. Zan's Chambers.
"What was all that about?"
"The fact the neither of us really knew our own people despite having been taught thoroughly… or as thoroughly as could be managed." Father has that look in his eyes. "It's another rite that we perform. I'm supposed to share with you how evil the Tirera are. Old grudges. None of it matters, really. Especially with you being who and what you are."
"If you have such high aspirations for me, why haven't you let me in on it all?"
"Because… every time I felt I should tell you, another child was to be born and then the time was gone from me." He places his hands on my shoulders. "I am sorry if you feel that I keep things from you but I never did it intentionally. I was protecting us all. I intend for you to be much older than I was when you ascend this throne."
"So it's all for my own good." I scoff and look away.
"Avery, listen to me. I love you and I have done my best not to do what my father did to me. I wanted you to enjoy your childhood and have you?"
"Well, yes."
"I know that 21 is the last age where you can be considered anything less than a grown man. I haven't forced you to take a wife or to take any woman outside marriage or your interest. I have asked nothing of you but to be the man that we envisioned. To be good. To be fair. To keep your eyes open. Maybe I kept you from battle but there are days enough for fighting. There are days when I pray the fighting will stop. I know that I couldn’t stop you if you really wanted to go. I know that you could leave me and die in a war… but you haven't."
"How can I learn to be good and fair when the only truly great example I have won't have me in his presence?" I counter. Then I see it in his eyes. He's found his mistake. In holding me from danger, he's held himself from me. "I don't care about fighting and being a good man and a just ruler if I… Father… you inspire us all but I… I need to see you. Maybe seeing you often does tempt me more to follow you out but… that's my choice. You've taken it from me." He drops his hands and looks away from me. "You make me think you see me as naïve but who made me that way? Other fathers encourage their sons to seek out adventure and to learn their own ways in the world and you tell me to stay home and look after my mother and Liz… when you should have said my mother and my queen."
I storm out. I have no use for my father this night. I have no use for anyone who would come near to me. I find myself out by the old barn and there it is. A marker for a child who stands above it. I'm seething. I can just stare at it. Avery Peyrs. What would have happened if they had run away with me? What kind of life would I have had? Would David still have died? Would he have raised me as his own? I feel guilty. I love my father. He is a good man. A fair man. A just man. He loves too much.
That's how Larek finds me. Staring at the marker and crying.
"It is too much for you?" He asks.
"No. It's not." I'm running words through my head and I turn to him. He's not as knowledgeable as my father but maybe he knows. "Where did my eyes come from?"
"From your father." He laughs at me.
"No. Our eyes are Amber. Not Blue. Not Green. Not Violet. Where did our eyes come from?"
"From the first, your line has had such eyes. Between Brown and Yellow." Larek shakes his head at me. "Who do you visit?"
"A child born in the same moment as I but not given a chance to live." I perpetuate the lie. "Liz's child."
"Oh." He shrinks back just a bit. "Why is it buried here?"
"He is buried here because he was conceived in this barn. Of love from one to another. Fresh vows pledged inside its walls. Died while his father was away with the water train. Just minutes old."
"What does this have to do with our interviews?"
"Ava is the reason the child is in the ground and not in his parents' arms."
"Are you saying that Liz killed your mother?"
"No. I'm saying that Queen Ava could have many more enemies than a child she plucked from innocence to raise her children. I'm saying that Queen Ava is not the woman that we thought she was. I'm saying that I have more digging to do."
TBC
The Queen of Antar
Finds a Way
Present Day. Court.
"Why have you nothing to report?" Lady Nikas trains her eyes on me as she stalks through the throne room. Father hasn't sat there in days. "Are you that incompetent?"
"Lady Nikas." I clear my throat. I am in no mood to deal with her. "I have nothing to report because there is nothing to say."
"That… nursemaid did it, I can feel it in my bones."
"She didn't. I'm still gathering information to tell me who did."
"She is evil, that one. She has to be the one."
"Why do you hate her? She's never done a thing to you." I rise and tower over the slight Lady. "Because you got reprimanded for calling a widow a whore? That's an old score. Let it go."
"She has no place here."
"Go to Chapel, Lady. Pray out your anger." I tell her and make my way to the door. She grabs my arm and spins me around with surprising strength.
"I have no use for Chapel. You cannot let that demon walk among us."
"She's not the demon among us." I whisper to her. "Of that, I'm certain. If you have no use for Chapel, Lady, I have no use for you."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying that my father tires of your old ways. He'd sooner find someone more suited to the position than cave to your heinous demands." I storm out. Father will deal with me if I have spoken out of turn but I am seeing everyone in a new light. I am beginning to see them all for who they really are.
I find myself in the library, rolling the ladder to match Father's description. I climb up to the top and I see the books. Green, Yellow, Red, Blue. I toss them to the ground and I reach inside. There it is. Cold steel pages and intricate engravings that I cannot read. I pocket it and climb down in time to see Lord Larek storm in. I wave him off and travel up the corridors to Liz's chambers.
She is rocking the baby for her morning nap. She looks up to me with a smile on her face, which fades when she sees my face. "What's wrong?"
"Tell me about our people." I pull a chair to hers. "Who among the Antarians knows more about the Tirera than you. I should know."
"Avery." She sighs heavily.
"I deserve to know. I am more than Antarian. I am also Tirera and I need to know."
"I don't know where to start." She shrugs at me.
"Tell me about where the Tirera came from."
Long, long ago.
It is said that the Tirera came from a planet far, far away. From a place that Antar could never fathom. Cherin's Star is sacred to Tirera. It is there that Cherin left her planet to seek life among the stars. She left with her people to escape a world dying under its own weight. It had advanced too far, too fast and the world was shrinking under the growing populations. Cherin had a dream, a vision from god. A dream that the world crumbled under its people, swallowing them whole… save for those who flew away on wings larger than any that had ever been built before. She built a craft with the help of her family and friends. She loaded it up with stores for terra-forming. Food for the wandering decades.
Cherin's people were very advanced. They had a device for everything. A device to detect sickness. A device to detect life. A device that gave forth the voice of god. They relied heavily on their devices. The people laughed at her and her family. They said her homemade ship would never fly. That it was too heavy, that it was too clumsy. That there was no need. Their world had been around for millennia and would continue to last long after all its inhabitants had died off.
The world was at unrest. Wars breaking out. Bombs being hurled at one another. The wars shook the lands like an earthquake. The smoke blocked out the sky and hid the stars at night. Cherin's family urged her to begin the journey but she waited. Others began to believe that Cherin was right and they lent their bodies to help in exchange for passage onto the enormous ship. She waited for a sign. Then one night, all was still. The smoke cleared and one star shone brighter than all the rest. A star that she could find on no chart. That no device had a name for. That's when she knew. She set the coordinates but still she hesitated to load up her ship and leave. She had one more device to set on her ship. One more device. Just one more. The most important device.
Cherin and her husband and their strongest friends stole out into the night. They snuck into the temple. There it was. The final device. The cone. The voice of god. It took all night but they worked diligently to remove the device and carry it back to the ship. They installed it into the heart of the ship and when the last bolt had been inserted, the rain began. The blackest smoke from the most destructive weapons on the planet. A weapon so powerful that it could melt the strongest metals like butter. The ground shook and began to crumble beneath the ship but she waited.
Cherin waited. They say her husband was strapped into his harness across the helm. That she was lit up by the console like an angel. Her belly round with the last of her children. That he pleaded with her to start the ship and to let them be gone from that world. Still, she waited. The sky was blocked out by the smoke and not even the fires could be seen. The ground shook and they say that the ship fell. That the planet had begun to swallow the ship like it had everything else. That the freefall lasted an eternity before Cherin put her hands on the controls and started the engines. That the heat had grown so much that her eight children passed out. Her husband pleaded and almost left his harness when she started the engine and sent them out of the world.
They say it was four days before she could see clearly out of her portal. That she never took her hands off the toggle. That she was the only one who could steer that way. That though the planet's one moon had been directly overhead that she completely missed it and had steered them safely out of their home world.
They say years passed and the population of the ship grew amongst them. They were weak, though. No sunlight to sustain them. It was her husband who made her turn off her course to find a planet to land on. To rest a while. To allow her family and friends to heal in the light of a bright sun. The first planet of inhabitable air was void of intelligent life. They spent weeks, replenishing their supply, updating their star charts and soaking up the sun.
Cherin was fond of walks, they said. She walked and soaked up the sun. They say she could hear the voice of god without being in the room with the cone. That she had her vision because of that gift.
They visited seven more planets on their journey. Each one was found lacking to Cherin. Her husband tried to get her to stop the journey. To stay on one of the planets. That their children were weary of the travel. That their grandchildren needed a planet to call home. She only told him that all that mattered was that they taught the children and grandchildren the way of the cone and all would come together. That the home was out there, they had only to look. They had not found it yet.
It had been three decades since they had departed from the home world. They say on the ninth planet, Cherin stepped out first, as she always did, and sighed. The smells caressed her, the winds welcomed her, the earth sucked at her feet as if it didn't not want to let her go. Indeed, she had landed her ship in a mud puddle that seemed not to let go of her ship. Her husband did not like the planet. He preferred one of the others they had previously visited.
For the first time, she did not give her children rules to follow on the planet. She sent them out and they explored. Cherin and her husband did not stray far from the ship, guarding it from nothing. They had not encountered intelligent life on that planet either, the planet with the three moons. The planet with the large green jungles with leaves taller than Cherin herself. With the rivers that crisscrossed its single continent. In time, her husband began to love the planet just as Cherin did… though it seemed she became restless. She did not want to leave the planet but she could not sit still. 30 years of exploring space left her with an ache. Though her years were great and her husband's health had begun to decline somewhat, they set out across the continent and began to map it with their devices. They recorded it all. Every hill and molehill. Every mountain and valley. Every river and stream. Then they reached the mountain. The one mountain. The last mountain. The devices could not detect the top. Clouds obscured it and Cherin was convinced that something up there prevented their devices from working properly .She had to see it for herself.
They say the journey up the mountain took four days. Cherin left her husband at the base with one of her children. She took her two daughters and two of her sons up the mountain. At the top they found a village. A village full of people who spoke a strange language. It did not even seem to be words. Mumblings, mostly. But the people were striking. Hair in colors that did not exist on Cherin's homeworld. Gold and fire streaming off the heads of women who wore very little. Their eyes glittered like the sky, like precious stones, like wildflowers.
When the villagers saw Cherin and her children, they ran and hid. The dark eyed children of Cherin's Star stood on the mountain in their clothes with their machines in hand and the people were frightened. They thought she was a god… one of many.
Her hair had long since turned white but her eyes were still brown. Her oldest son had eyes like her husband, grey. The natives thought her strange. An old woman dressed in men's clothes, with hair like the clouds.
Their devices had ceased to work atop the great mountain. The natives wore little, they crawled around like animals. Still a blue-eyed girl, very young, stepped forward and examined them all. The oldest, Max after his father, held his hand out to the girl. She sniffed it, her red hair falling over his arm. She took his hand and –
Present Day. Liz's Chambers.
A pounding on the door cuts off my mother's speech. I just stare at the door. The pounding continues. "Identify!"
"Avery, let me in, please." Danei calls to us, her voice full of tears. I let her in and she throws herself into my arms. "Avery, Lady Nikas wants me betrothed by the end of the week."
"No." I shake my head. "She doesn't have the authority."
"With Father mourning, someone has to make decisions. Lord Larek is trying to talk her out of it but Lady Nikas is so stubborn." She cries into my shoulder.
"Who would she marry you to?"
"Commander Rath. He's so old." She cries out. Then she's flinging herself into Liz's arms. "Tell them he's too old. He's older than you are and I hear he's subverted."
"Oh… Danei… Your father would hang himself before allowing you to marry someone that you do not love." Liz whispers into her hair. "If he had his way, he'd keep you in a tower where you could play and never be married away."
"I wish Mother were here. She'd know what to do."
I see Liz's eyes harden for a moment but she never lets on to Danei that the girl has said something wrong. "I know these days are hard but if you see suitors, maybe it will discourage Lady Nikas and encourage your father to come out of hiding."
"Why can't you come out and meet them with me?" Danei sits up and kisses Liz's face. "I know you could pick the right one."
"I cannot pick anyone for you. You have to pick a husband for yourself." Liz frames her face with her hands and stares at the oldest of her daughters. "Somewhere out there is the man who will make your life complete."
"I can't find him, Liz. No one in all these lands makes me feel anything."
"You and your brother. "No one makes me feel anything." Have either of you looked? Really looked?" She lifts her eyes to me. "You, I know you're shut up with proclamations but you could look at a girl. Give us some hope. I know your father is looking forward to grandchildren."
It is on the tip of my tongue to ask if I should give them a grandchild, will it have an aunt or uncle younger than he or she? If in all this time, they have not curbed their needs and continued to have children, there is no reason for them to stop now. It is only the sight of my little sister that stays my tongue. I want to blurt out "Here is your mother" but Liz would have my head. Mother would have my head, I amend to myself.
"Oh, from babies I raised you and now… lovely grown adults." Liz whispers.
"Were you really married once?" Danei blurts out. "Lord Larek was telling Lady Nikas about it and Lady Nikas got really upset and left the room. What was your maiden name? Lord Larek said it was really weird."
"Danei, we're conducting official business in here." I tell her.
"I was." Liz tells her, waving me off. "Parker was my last name before it was Pierce."
"Pierce? Not Peyrs?" She asks.
"What are you doing?" I demand of my mother.
"By the time this is all over, everyone will know. I should tell my charges first about my secret."
"What secret?" Danei's eyes light up, the way they do sometimes, making them appear almost blue for a moment in the light from the window. "Can I know?"
"What secret are you going to tell her?" I ask and turn away from them.
--
I am the one who must escort Danei out to the old barn. I am the one who shows her the fake memorial but I can't tell her it's fake. She sheds a tear for her dear Liz and I am tempted to blurt out everything but I don't know everything. She sits in the damp grass to make a wreath of flowers to lay at my grave. I inhale the air and try to make sense of my next actions.
"Avery, is Liz going to be okay? I know that her being Tirera will affect her judgment but I can't believe she did anything to mother."
"No, she never did but I don’t have any other suspects." I sigh and sink into the grass. I lay there and listen to her hum until shadows fall over us both. I rise slowly to greet the men. "I am Prince Avery."
"Magistrate Nenti." The man says, bowing both to me and my sister. "My father and I have come from two leagues over to assist in what way we can."
"Assist?" I ask, I have no clue what these two men are about. Same height, same blue eyes. One older than father, one a generation younger.
"In the investigations. King Zan will have our aid. We insist." The older speaks again.
"I heard word of your suspect and I don't believe it for a second." The younger speaks. "I knew Liz when we were younger. She could never."
"You knew Liz?" I fix my eyes on him.
"I haven't seen her in nearly a decade but Liz could never be a murderer, no matter what the queen did to her. Kylo Nenti." He bows deeply. "I will serve in whatever capacity you need."
"Danei, escort Magistrate Nenti to Father's chambers." I tell her, helping her to her feet. "Kylo, please. Walk with me." We wait until they disappear around the side of the barn. "So, you knew her well?"
"As well as I could from so far off." Kylo rushes to tell me. "We met two decades ago. She worked for your father even then." I lead him out into the fields where there are no ears to hear our words. "Once a season, she would appear for a festival, usually in the spring. She would dance with me, spend the afternoon and then be gone in the evening. We aren't close but she did introduce me to my wife."
"She did?"
"I had once fancied making her my wife but she's devoted to the crown. She would never leave the palace."
"When was the last time you saw her?" I press.
"Eight or nine years ago. She was pregnant again. I know that." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Liz has had bad luck that way."
"What way?"
"You know. Losing the babies." Kylo stared out over the fields. "Making her travel that way with the Queen all the time, it's no wonder. They used to ride through Majeir coming or going. They would stop to rest because of the hard way to the Qeonilt."
"What is it that you need to tell me?"
"Find him. The father of her babies. She told me that she meets him in secret. I believe that she still does because of the way she spoke of him when I last saw her. Unless he's died. He can be her alibi."
"She told you she was seeing someone?"
"Someone she couldn't marry because of his position. I think it was another soldier. One different from her husband. She said there's a passageway."
"A passageway?" I tilt my head at him. "She told you that?"
"From the nursery to her lover's room."
"In the palace?" I stare at his face, the lines of age forming around his mouth and eyes. It does make sense. How else did Liz get out of her chambers to the nursery without being detected? How many passages were there? Where were they hidden?
"Do you know the man that I speak about?"
"I think I do but it may be hard to get him in to stand as her alibi." Because he's the king, I thought to myself. "I'll have to press her for his name."
"Maybe I could help."
"I am glad that Liz has such a devoted friend. Most could care less about a nursemaid." I tell him. He stares at me with pity in his eyes. "Don't get me wrong. I love Liz. She raised me but I know there is reluctance to help her in the palace. Most just assume she did it. I know she didn't but the proof is out of reach."
"Merea and I owe her our happiness."
"Merea? I know that name."
"She used to work here. In the kitchens but only for six months. She couldn't keep up with the Queen's demands."
"She worked here. Send for her. I may want to interview her."
"You're the Champion, then."
"I am."
"Good. I am glad it is someone who loves her. I will send for my wife though she may bring our children."
"Perhaps they can cheer up the princes and princesses for a spell." I sigh. My days seem to be getting shorter and shorter. Time is slipping away from me. "Thank you, Kylo."
I escort him back to the palace then climb the stairs to Liz's chambers once more where she and Danei are changing the baby, who is up and smiling. "Danei, take Vlastina to the nursery for a bit."
"What did they want, Avery?" She asks but I point to the door.
"Avery?" Liz stares at me.
"Kylo and Merea Nenti."
"Are they coming?" She smiles a bit.
"To testify. You couldn't tell me that you had confidants out in the world?"
"I haven't spoken to Kylo in years. Nine years, I think. Merea… I saw about four years ago but only for a moment. How is she?"
"I didn't ask but she'll be here soon." I sit beside her. "Liz… where are the passageways?"
"What passageways?" She stands to straighten the baby's clothes in a pile near the rocking chair.
"You told Kylo about the passageways."
"Did I?"
"Liz."
"I don't think I did. I never told Merea." She folds the small clothes and stacks them up again.
"Liz."
"Where does he get off just blurting things out like that?"
"Liz."
"We haven't spoken since Ava saw us talking that spring."
"MOTHER!" I yell at her, stilling her mouth and her hands. "The point is, I know. There's a passageway from the nursery to father's room, isn't there."
"Of course not." She whispers.
"Then why did you tell Kylo that you were meeting a soldier at night and he was the father of the babies you were supposed to have?" I come up behind her. "I know and you know that it wasn't a soldier, it was the King. Clever lie but he'll testify to what you said. Where are the passageways? How did you get out of here and into the nursery without the soldiers seeing you?"
She wrings a burp cloth between her hands before she turns around and stands next to the bathing room door. There is a niche where she presses the tip of her finger. She walks right through the wall and disappears. I follow slowly, wondering if I should hit the button before attempting my trek. I find myself in a narrow tunnel. I let her lead the way. She does the same at the end of the tunnel. When we step through, we are in the nursery closet. I grab her hand and pull her back to her chambers without a word. She sits on the bed and takes a deep breath. "Happy?"
"Where's the other door?"
"What other door?"
"To Father's rooms."
"There isn't."
"Stop lying!" I whirl around and examine the walls for another niche but I don’t find one. I storm into her bathing room and pour water into a basin to cool my burning face. I'm leaning on the counter when I see it. Under the spout is a niche. I press my finger into it and I can feel the air moving. I follow it through another narrow tunnel to a solid wall. I can hardly see but I feel around for the niche that must be inside. I find myself inside my father's bathing room. I see the entrance to the servant's room which has been abandoned for years. I see the entrance to his room where I can hear him pacing. So that is how they maintained their secrecy all this time. I sink onto the rim of the tub to think. To wonder when they put all this together. How they managed to build these tunnels or had they been there all this time? Waiting to be used.
"Liz, is that you? If anyone catches you out of your rooms again…" He trails off when he sees me. "Avery, how did you…"
"Get in here?" I finish the question for him. "Liz has a friend who is coming to testify. They will mention the passageways and when Liz is forced to reveal them… you will be found out. Liz will not lie for you anymore. She's already told Danei that she is Tirera but she doesn't know who her real mother is yet. I suggest we keep going with the interrogations while we can."
TBC
Finds a Way
Present Day. Court.
"Why have you nothing to report?" Lady Nikas trains her eyes on me as she stalks through the throne room. Father hasn't sat there in days. "Are you that incompetent?"
"Lady Nikas." I clear my throat. I am in no mood to deal with her. "I have nothing to report because there is nothing to say."
"That… nursemaid did it, I can feel it in my bones."
"She didn't. I'm still gathering information to tell me who did."
"She is evil, that one. She has to be the one."
"Why do you hate her? She's never done a thing to you." I rise and tower over the slight Lady. "Because you got reprimanded for calling a widow a whore? That's an old score. Let it go."
"She has no place here."
"Go to Chapel, Lady. Pray out your anger." I tell her and make my way to the door. She grabs my arm and spins me around with surprising strength.
"I have no use for Chapel. You cannot let that demon walk among us."
"She's not the demon among us." I whisper to her. "Of that, I'm certain. If you have no use for Chapel, Lady, I have no use for you."
"What are you saying?"
"I'm saying that my father tires of your old ways. He'd sooner find someone more suited to the position than cave to your heinous demands." I storm out. Father will deal with me if I have spoken out of turn but I am seeing everyone in a new light. I am beginning to see them all for who they really are.
I find myself in the library, rolling the ladder to match Father's description. I climb up to the top and I see the books. Green, Yellow, Red, Blue. I toss them to the ground and I reach inside. There it is. Cold steel pages and intricate engravings that I cannot read. I pocket it and climb down in time to see Lord Larek storm in. I wave him off and travel up the corridors to Liz's chambers.
She is rocking the baby for her morning nap. She looks up to me with a smile on her face, which fades when she sees my face. "What's wrong?"
"Tell me about our people." I pull a chair to hers. "Who among the Antarians knows more about the Tirera than you. I should know."
"Avery." She sighs heavily.
"I deserve to know. I am more than Antarian. I am also Tirera and I need to know."
"I don't know where to start." She shrugs at me.
"Tell me about where the Tirera came from."
Long, long ago.
It is said that the Tirera came from a planet far, far away. From a place that Antar could never fathom. Cherin's Star is sacred to Tirera. It is there that Cherin left her planet to seek life among the stars. She left with her people to escape a world dying under its own weight. It had advanced too far, too fast and the world was shrinking under the growing populations. Cherin had a dream, a vision from god. A dream that the world crumbled under its people, swallowing them whole… save for those who flew away on wings larger than any that had ever been built before. She built a craft with the help of her family and friends. She loaded it up with stores for terra-forming. Food for the wandering decades.
Cherin's people were very advanced. They had a device for everything. A device to detect sickness. A device to detect life. A device that gave forth the voice of god. They relied heavily on their devices. The people laughed at her and her family. They said her homemade ship would never fly. That it was too heavy, that it was too clumsy. That there was no need. Their world had been around for millennia and would continue to last long after all its inhabitants had died off.
The world was at unrest. Wars breaking out. Bombs being hurled at one another. The wars shook the lands like an earthquake. The smoke blocked out the sky and hid the stars at night. Cherin's family urged her to begin the journey but she waited. Others began to believe that Cherin was right and they lent their bodies to help in exchange for passage onto the enormous ship. She waited for a sign. Then one night, all was still. The smoke cleared and one star shone brighter than all the rest. A star that she could find on no chart. That no device had a name for. That's when she knew. She set the coordinates but still she hesitated to load up her ship and leave. She had one more device to set on her ship. One more device. Just one more. The most important device.
Cherin and her husband and their strongest friends stole out into the night. They snuck into the temple. There it was. The final device. The cone. The voice of god. It took all night but they worked diligently to remove the device and carry it back to the ship. They installed it into the heart of the ship and when the last bolt had been inserted, the rain began. The blackest smoke from the most destructive weapons on the planet. A weapon so powerful that it could melt the strongest metals like butter. The ground shook and began to crumble beneath the ship but she waited.
Cherin waited. They say her husband was strapped into his harness across the helm. That she was lit up by the console like an angel. Her belly round with the last of her children. That he pleaded with her to start the ship and to let them be gone from that world. Still, she waited. The sky was blocked out by the smoke and not even the fires could be seen. The ground shook and they say that the ship fell. That the planet had begun to swallow the ship like it had everything else. That the freefall lasted an eternity before Cherin put her hands on the controls and started the engines. That the heat had grown so much that her eight children passed out. Her husband pleaded and almost left his harness when she started the engine and sent them out of the world.
They say it was four days before she could see clearly out of her portal. That she never took her hands off the toggle. That she was the only one who could steer that way. That though the planet's one moon had been directly overhead that she completely missed it and had steered them safely out of their home world.
They say years passed and the population of the ship grew amongst them. They were weak, though. No sunlight to sustain them. It was her husband who made her turn off her course to find a planet to land on. To rest a while. To allow her family and friends to heal in the light of a bright sun. The first planet of inhabitable air was void of intelligent life. They spent weeks, replenishing their supply, updating their star charts and soaking up the sun.
Cherin was fond of walks, they said. She walked and soaked up the sun. They say she could hear the voice of god without being in the room with the cone. That she had her vision because of that gift.
They visited seven more planets on their journey. Each one was found lacking to Cherin. Her husband tried to get her to stop the journey. To stay on one of the planets. That their children were weary of the travel. That their grandchildren needed a planet to call home. She only told him that all that mattered was that they taught the children and grandchildren the way of the cone and all would come together. That the home was out there, they had only to look. They had not found it yet.
It had been three decades since they had departed from the home world. They say on the ninth planet, Cherin stepped out first, as she always did, and sighed. The smells caressed her, the winds welcomed her, the earth sucked at her feet as if it didn't not want to let her go. Indeed, she had landed her ship in a mud puddle that seemed not to let go of her ship. Her husband did not like the planet. He preferred one of the others they had previously visited.
For the first time, she did not give her children rules to follow on the planet. She sent them out and they explored. Cherin and her husband did not stray far from the ship, guarding it from nothing. They had not encountered intelligent life on that planet either, the planet with the three moons. The planet with the large green jungles with leaves taller than Cherin herself. With the rivers that crisscrossed its single continent. In time, her husband began to love the planet just as Cherin did… though it seemed she became restless. She did not want to leave the planet but she could not sit still. 30 years of exploring space left her with an ache. Though her years were great and her husband's health had begun to decline somewhat, they set out across the continent and began to map it with their devices. They recorded it all. Every hill and molehill. Every mountain and valley. Every river and stream. Then they reached the mountain. The one mountain. The last mountain. The devices could not detect the top. Clouds obscured it and Cherin was convinced that something up there prevented their devices from working properly .She had to see it for herself.
They say the journey up the mountain took four days. Cherin left her husband at the base with one of her children. She took her two daughters and two of her sons up the mountain. At the top they found a village. A village full of people who spoke a strange language. It did not even seem to be words. Mumblings, mostly. But the people were striking. Hair in colors that did not exist on Cherin's homeworld. Gold and fire streaming off the heads of women who wore very little. Their eyes glittered like the sky, like precious stones, like wildflowers.
When the villagers saw Cherin and her children, they ran and hid. The dark eyed children of Cherin's Star stood on the mountain in their clothes with their machines in hand and the people were frightened. They thought she was a god… one of many.
Her hair had long since turned white but her eyes were still brown. Her oldest son had eyes like her husband, grey. The natives thought her strange. An old woman dressed in men's clothes, with hair like the clouds.
Their devices had ceased to work atop the great mountain. The natives wore little, they crawled around like animals. Still a blue-eyed girl, very young, stepped forward and examined them all. The oldest, Max after his father, held his hand out to the girl. She sniffed it, her red hair falling over his arm. She took his hand and –
Present Day. Liz's Chambers.
A pounding on the door cuts off my mother's speech. I just stare at the door. The pounding continues. "Identify!"
"Avery, let me in, please." Danei calls to us, her voice full of tears. I let her in and she throws herself into my arms. "Avery, Lady Nikas wants me betrothed by the end of the week."
"No." I shake my head. "She doesn't have the authority."
"With Father mourning, someone has to make decisions. Lord Larek is trying to talk her out of it but Lady Nikas is so stubborn." She cries into my shoulder.
"Who would she marry you to?"
"Commander Rath. He's so old." She cries out. Then she's flinging herself into Liz's arms. "Tell them he's too old. He's older than you are and I hear he's subverted."
"Oh… Danei… Your father would hang himself before allowing you to marry someone that you do not love." Liz whispers into her hair. "If he had his way, he'd keep you in a tower where you could play and never be married away."
"I wish Mother were here. She'd know what to do."
I see Liz's eyes harden for a moment but she never lets on to Danei that the girl has said something wrong. "I know these days are hard but if you see suitors, maybe it will discourage Lady Nikas and encourage your father to come out of hiding."
"Why can't you come out and meet them with me?" Danei sits up and kisses Liz's face. "I know you could pick the right one."
"I cannot pick anyone for you. You have to pick a husband for yourself." Liz frames her face with her hands and stares at the oldest of her daughters. "Somewhere out there is the man who will make your life complete."
"I can't find him, Liz. No one in all these lands makes me feel anything."
"You and your brother. "No one makes me feel anything." Have either of you looked? Really looked?" She lifts her eyes to me. "You, I know you're shut up with proclamations but you could look at a girl. Give us some hope. I know your father is looking forward to grandchildren."
It is on the tip of my tongue to ask if I should give them a grandchild, will it have an aunt or uncle younger than he or she? If in all this time, they have not curbed their needs and continued to have children, there is no reason for them to stop now. It is only the sight of my little sister that stays my tongue. I want to blurt out "Here is your mother" but Liz would have my head. Mother would have my head, I amend to myself.
"Oh, from babies I raised you and now… lovely grown adults." Liz whispers.
"Were you really married once?" Danei blurts out. "Lord Larek was telling Lady Nikas about it and Lady Nikas got really upset and left the room. What was your maiden name? Lord Larek said it was really weird."
"Danei, we're conducting official business in here." I tell her.
"I was." Liz tells her, waving me off. "Parker was my last name before it was Pierce."
"Pierce? Not Peyrs?" She asks.
"What are you doing?" I demand of my mother.
"By the time this is all over, everyone will know. I should tell my charges first about my secret."
"What secret?" Danei's eyes light up, the way they do sometimes, making them appear almost blue for a moment in the light from the window. "Can I know?"
"What secret are you going to tell her?" I ask and turn away from them.
--
I am the one who must escort Danei out to the old barn. I am the one who shows her the fake memorial but I can't tell her it's fake. She sheds a tear for her dear Liz and I am tempted to blurt out everything but I don't know everything. She sits in the damp grass to make a wreath of flowers to lay at my grave. I inhale the air and try to make sense of my next actions.
"Avery, is Liz going to be okay? I know that her being Tirera will affect her judgment but I can't believe she did anything to mother."
"No, she never did but I don’t have any other suspects." I sigh and sink into the grass. I lay there and listen to her hum until shadows fall over us both. I rise slowly to greet the men. "I am Prince Avery."
"Magistrate Nenti." The man says, bowing both to me and my sister. "My father and I have come from two leagues over to assist in what way we can."
"Assist?" I ask, I have no clue what these two men are about. Same height, same blue eyes. One older than father, one a generation younger.
"In the investigations. King Zan will have our aid. We insist." The older speaks again.
"I heard word of your suspect and I don't believe it for a second." The younger speaks. "I knew Liz when we were younger. She could never."
"You knew Liz?" I fix my eyes on him.
"I haven't seen her in nearly a decade but Liz could never be a murderer, no matter what the queen did to her. Kylo Nenti." He bows deeply. "I will serve in whatever capacity you need."
"Danei, escort Magistrate Nenti to Father's chambers." I tell her, helping her to her feet. "Kylo, please. Walk with me." We wait until they disappear around the side of the barn. "So, you knew her well?"
"As well as I could from so far off." Kylo rushes to tell me. "We met two decades ago. She worked for your father even then." I lead him out into the fields where there are no ears to hear our words. "Once a season, she would appear for a festival, usually in the spring. She would dance with me, spend the afternoon and then be gone in the evening. We aren't close but she did introduce me to my wife."
"She did?"
"I had once fancied making her my wife but she's devoted to the crown. She would never leave the palace."
"When was the last time you saw her?" I press.
"Eight or nine years ago. She was pregnant again. I know that." He took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Liz has had bad luck that way."
"What way?"
"You know. Losing the babies." Kylo stared out over the fields. "Making her travel that way with the Queen all the time, it's no wonder. They used to ride through Majeir coming or going. They would stop to rest because of the hard way to the Qeonilt."
"What is it that you need to tell me?"
"Find him. The father of her babies. She told me that she meets him in secret. I believe that she still does because of the way she spoke of him when I last saw her. Unless he's died. He can be her alibi."
"She told you she was seeing someone?"
"Someone she couldn't marry because of his position. I think it was another soldier. One different from her husband. She said there's a passageway."
"A passageway?" I tilt my head at him. "She told you that?"
"From the nursery to her lover's room."
"In the palace?" I stare at his face, the lines of age forming around his mouth and eyes. It does make sense. How else did Liz get out of her chambers to the nursery without being detected? How many passages were there? Where were they hidden?
"Do you know the man that I speak about?"
"I think I do but it may be hard to get him in to stand as her alibi." Because he's the king, I thought to myself. "I'll have to press her for his name."
"Maybe I could help."
"I am glad that Liz has such a devoted friend. Most could care less about a nursemaid." I tell him. He stares at me with pity in his eyes. "Don't get me wrong. I love Liz. She raised me but I know there is reluctance to help her in the palace. Most just assume she did it. I know she didn't but the proof is out of reach."
"Merea and I owe her our happiness."
"Merea? I know that name."
"She used to work here. In the kitchens but only for six months. She couldn't keep up with the Queen's demands."
"She worked here. Send for her. I may want to interview her."
"You're the Champion, then."
"I am."
"Good. I am glad it is someone who loves her. I will send for my wife though she may bring our children."
"Perhaps they can cheer up the princes and princesses for a spell." I sigh. My days seem to be getting shorter and shorter. Time is slipping away from me. "Thank you, Kylo."
I escort him back to the palace then climb the stairs to Liz's chambers once more where she and Danei are changing the baby, who is up and smiling. "Danei, take Vlastina to the nursery for a bit."
"What did they want, Avery?" She asks but I point to the door.
"Avery?" Liz stares at me.
"Kylo and Merea Nenti."
"Are they coming?" She smiles a bit.
"To testify. You couldn't tell me that you had confidants out in the world?"
"I haven't spoken to Kylo in years. Nine years, I think. Merea… I saw about four years ago but only for a moment. How is she?"
"I didn't ask but she'll be here soon." I sit beside her. "Liz… where are the passageways?"
"What passageways?" She stands to straighten the baby's clothes in a pile near the rocking chair.
"You told Kylo about the passageways."
"Did I?"
"Liz."
"I don't think I did. I never told Merea." She folds the small clothes and stacks them up again.
"Liz."
"Where does he get off just blurting things out like that?"
"Liz."
"We haven't spoken since Ava saw us talking that spring."
"MOTHER!" I yell at her, stilling her mouth and her hands. "The point is, I know. There's a passageway from the nursery to father's room, isn't there."
"Of course not." She whispers.
"Then why did you tell Kylo that you were meeting a soldier at night and he was the father of the babies you were supposed to have?" I come up behind her. "I know and you know that it wasn't a soldier, it was the King. Clever lie but he'll testify to what you said. Where are the passageways? How did you get out of here and into the nursery without the soldiers seeing you?"
She wrings a burp cloth between her hands before she turns around and stands next to the bathing room door. There is a niche where she presses the tip of her finger. She walks right through the wall and disappears. I follow slowly, wondering if I should hit the button before attempting my trek. I find myself in a narrow tunnel. I let her lead the way. She does the same at the end of the tunnel. When we step through, we are in the nursery closet. I grab her hand and pull her back to her chambers without a word. She sits on the bed and takes a deep breath. "Happy?"
"Where's the other door?"
"What other door?"
"To Father's rooms."
"There isn't."
"Stop lying!" I whirl around and examine the walls for another niche but I don’t find one. I storm into her bathing room and pour water into a basin to cool my burning face. I'm leaning on the counter when I see it. Under the spout is a niche. I press my finger into it and I can feel the air moving. I follow it through another narrow tunnel to a solid wall. I can hardly see but I feel around for the niche that must be inside. I find myself inside my father's bathing room. I see the entrance to the servant's room which has been abandoned for years. I see the entrance to his room where I can hear him pacing. So that is how they maintained their secrecy all this time. I sink onto the rim of the tub to think. To wonder when they put all this together. How they managed to build these tunnels or had they been there all this time? Waiting to be used.
"Liz, is that you? If anyone catches you out of your rooms again…" He trails off when he sees me. "Avery, how did you…"
"Get in here?" I finish the question for him. "Liz has a friend who is coming to testify. They will mention the passageways and when Liz is forced to reveal them… you will be found out. Liz will not lie for you anymore. She's already told Danei that she is Tirera but she doesn't know who her real mother is yet. I suggest we keep going with the interrogations while we can."
TBC
The Queen of Antar
Chooses to be
Present Day. King Zan's Chambers.
Father stands in the field, in the sun for the first time in a week. "I don't know what you want from me, Avery."
"I want the truth. I want to know what is going on." I fix my gaze on the horizon. There are hills with green grass and flowers of every color but beyond those hills lay plains and beyond the plains, desert lands where rain falls little, even less than once fell in the lands of Antar during the droughts. The Tirera lands have always been dry. They have no country. They have no wars. Y'Antari rules all. Y'Antari have wars. Power struggles. "You haven't really spoken of her since I found out the truth. This mess is about her."
"She has a name, Avery."
"Ava. It's a name. A name for someone to only pretended to love me."
"I can't say what Ava felt. I tended to ignore her." He opens his mouth and starts to say something but changes his mind. "When we found out about Killae, I stopped trying to be her friend. I just… stopped. The only time Ava and I had spoken since then was to affirm her behavior. Anything else will have to be obtained through Bawo Lodona."
"She won't speak to me."
"Then she won't speak to you."
"But she has to testify if I ask her."
"That she does."
Present Day. The Chapel.
She ignores me. Her robes flowing around her as she moves, setting up to receive mourners for the deceased queen. Finally, my presence bothers her far too much. She storms down from the pulpit to my pew. "You have duties to see to."
"Yes, I do."
"Then go to them."
"I have to interview you."
"Appointing you as the Champion. Your father was foolish." She snipes at me. She's trying to hurt my feelings. To make me run away and hide like I once did when Father would brush me off.
"I appointed myself Champion, Bawo. Maybe I am foolish but it is my choice. You are bound by law to answer my questions."
"She's dead. Let it be."
"How many secrets do you keep, Bawo Lodona?" I stare at her. "You have thousands of them and I only know of the things you orchestrated through my parents."
"What are you talking about, child?"
"I'm talking about you refusing to let my mother go when she wanted to leave the palace. Mother and Father might be blind and accepting but I can see through some holes in their stories. You were always hoping she would stay. You protested that Father would turn her into a whore but you wouldn't let her go. You were certain she was destined to have his children."
"Child, you are not too old for a beating."
"At your hands, far too old. You wouldn't like to try. I might beat back, even an old woman." I stare at her. "Why didn't you let Father kill her? It would have solved so much. No one would have blinked an eye if she died after allegedly giving birth. You could have orchestrated that well enough… you did kill Kivar."
"Your father talks too much."
"You could have let Mother keep Danei to herself and never involved Ava in a second false pregnancy. You had me. Why bother with eight more children?"
"Such is the will." She spat at me and turned, her robes flying behind her. She rose to the pulpit once more and raised her hands up to the chapel ceiling. She whispered a prayer and then her arms dropped abruptly before she was pulling me from my seat and into her private chambers inside the chapel. The large basin sat there where Father and I had many chats over the years. Always I saw Father in the chapel when he was home, never in his own rooms and now I know why. He entered his rooms and walked straight through to Liz's chambers.
Bawo lights a few candles and begins preparing a batch of nectar for blessings. "I see you've come to me for answers because what? Your father focuses on Liz? He could not be bothered with Ava for long. After the treacheries of your creation and the attempted murders, he all but put her out of his mind…"
19 years ago.
When Ava learned that Liz was pregnant with a second royal child. She withered. She could not shout out obscenities to her husband as she had in the past. He told her while in the throne room where anyone could hear if she raised her voice above a whisper. I had told her. If she even once denied Avery, I would see to it that she would meet her grave early. After Zan broke the news, I told her the same thing about denying this child. Danei as Liz chose to call her. I remembered those twitter painted fools. Whispering in the corridors, taking walks in the fields, staring with mooneyes at each other. So obvious if so many weren't so blind to Zan's charms. When he spoke his words, you could tell he believed them because he spoke with such conviction. Everyone trusted him when he said he loved his wife and no other. There was no reason to suspect in the beginning that he was falling in love with the nursemaid.
They were good for each other after all the bile spewed upon them. I couldn't ever let on to Zan that I truly approved of his foolish chasing of Liz. He'd have none of her if I even smiled at the way he acted a lovesick boy in front of her. They were friends, just friends. Staring, panting but rarely touching. I was driven mad while keeping to myself and ensuring that Ava would behave herself with the children.
I believe to this day that if Zan hadn't left that day in the spring, it would still be going on. He was gone the entire spring. I was back and forth between blessing the new erections and checking on matters in the palace where Ava was confined to the interior of the palace and Liz was free to come and go with the children. I started moving things about to torture Liz, to get an admission out of her. Moved her room far away, had a nursery built for the growing angels. I put them both to work. Ava to teach the young prince about reading and stately ways of the court. Liz to keep Danei healthy in the sun. It was one day while I made Ava take the children to Chapel that I tested Liz's intentions to my king.
She sat at Zan's table with her bibles before her. She scribbled notes in Tirera and then I watched as she rewrote them in Y'Antari. I was proud in that moment but I had to keep it to myself. "You are improving now that you don't have two children attached to your breasts."
"I'm trying. I should be taking care of them." She whispered in that quiet way of hers. "I could read to them, I just need practice."
"Perhaps." I told her and made some corrections to her notes. I watched her read over the notes and whisper to herself. "Your new rooms are done. I am having your things moved just now."
"Moving?" Her face flew up and her eyes widened so that I could see the whites all around those brown circles. "Why?"
"You've made it clear that Zan's affections bother you. I'm solving the problem. You will be near to the children at all times and you will have your space away from that imposing man. He means well but he does come on too strong for such a young woman." She sat very still and quiet. "How old are you now?"
"Twenty-one." She answered me in perfect Y'Antari.
"He still takes you to the spring festivals because you are still so young. It's hard for me to imagine that any number of young men haven't asked for your hand."
"Kylo Nenti asks. He's the magistrate's son."
I knew who the dumb lout was but she only gave me the answers for what I asked, she offered no more. "He's a nice young man. He could make you a nice home. Not as fine as you're used to in these walls but nice enough. Nicer than your father's home in Parkston."
"He would but I don't love him."
"Do you still mourn for Davi?"
"Sometimes, yes… I get sad when I think of him and the life we might have had."
I stroked her hair and she leaned into me. "The love of a lifetime. So young a love, a love without quarrels."
"Davi and I had our quarrels." I could hear the tears in her voice but I needed to know what she was feeling, so I could plan how best to thrust them back together when he returned to find she was no longer so accessible. "In the beginning, he begged me to tell him why I waited so long to tell him about the baby. I was scared, Bawo. I never would have lied to him that the child was his, but I needed to know I was his, first. I loved him so much and even more after we were married."
"I know, child. I know the pains of love."
"And he spoke so… fiercely about his loyalty to Y'Antaru but I was still scared, even then. A bit scared. I was so guilt-ridden and I know he felt it. Maybe he didn't know what about but he knew. I know he knew something… or else he wouldn't have been so insistent on having a child and now, I wish I had one. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like I betray him."
"Why would you think you betray your husband? He's gone and you're here."
"I allow Y'Antaru his attentions. I want them. I crave them but I can't be what he wants me to be. I just can't." Her voice was still thick but tears never fell from her eyes. "How can I be loyal to the memory of my husband if I want to be the object of another's affections?"
"I'm sure Davi would understand. He widowed you far too young. I was not much younger than you when my husband died."
"But you have remained true to him." She sat up and stared at me with wide panicked eyes. "You devoted yourself to your gods. I rarely pray my way anymore. Not since he's been gone."
"I was not immediately Bawo, Liz. When Alei died, I was with child. A child who never took a breath, who died inside me. I nearly died when Queen Danei asked me to feed her son while mine was freshly buried. But I had a dream. A waking dream that night. I saw a vision in the fields of a man so proud and tall, nothing like my Alei. He was handsome and kind and he said he needed me. He needed my strength and my guidance. My feet moved and I found myself in the royal nursery where Prince Zan slept and when his eyes opened, I fell to my knees. His eyes were the same as the man I saw in the field."
"So you knew then?"
"Goodness, no." I laughed out loud for the first time in what felt like years. Since Zan was a student of mine. "I panicked. I ran out of there and into the chapel. I fell to my knees, raised my hands to the sky and prayed for three days straight. Bawo Xerenei finally had enough of my vigil and sat me down. I told her about my dream. How I was awake and dreaming what I dreamt and she became very still. She took me by the shoulders and told me, 'You will walk upstairs and give that child your milk before you dry up. Then you will shower and come down here and I will teach you the ways of the Bawo.' I never questioned her. It just felt right. From that moment forward, I loved Alei in my mind and loved the Granilith with my words and actions. I never forgot him but it seems so long ago that I was anyone's wife."
"Why did you not order me to learn the ways of the Bawo? You told him that you were teaching me."
"I wanted him to leave you alone. To preserve his soul. I could not know he would find you so enchanting as to seek you out so soon after your husband died. You are not right for my life. I know and I trust the Granilith and its will. You have no such faith in our ways. It would be worse than allowing Zan to believe he could have you." I touched her head. "At first, I was protecting you. Shy, young girl from the far reaches. You remind me of myself when I was so much younger. I am an old woman now. Old enough to have a child Zan's age."
"You are not old… but you are wise. I trust your judgments."
Present Day. The Chapel.
"You are a manipulative…"
"Do not finish that sentence, Avery. Prince or no, I will take you over my knee." Bawo warns me. "I was thinking of your father's happiness."
"And what of Liz's? You couldn't know she would love him back."
"I trusted that she already did."
"How? How could you know?"
"When your job is to converse with that which rules the universe, you learn where you can take a few liberties to speed things along." She tells me and sits in her big chair. I remember that chair. Liz has one like it in the nursery. Her story time from that chair while I played with my tops and blocks on the floor. "Like with your father. I had to take over the duties of raising him when his mother fell into depression."
"How do you mean?"
"I vaguely remember your great-grandfather, Geros. A tyrant if ever there was according to the records. He fathered his son late in life and Aperys was 35 and on his second wife when he ascended the throne. I was barely a child. Danei and I weren't close but we were the same age. I married young to escape my overbearing father. She was married off because the King set his sights on her. I was pregnant a few months after the declaration that a prince was to be born in the palace. I hardly gave it a thought. I was expecting my own child with my husband. Alei died a month after I told him the news." She sighs heavily.
"So, why did they need you?"
"Danei." She says simply. "She's Qeonilt. She was not raised there but she is of the blood. Bluest eyes you have ever seen. Blonde hair like the sun. King Aperys was unhappy with Zan from the beginning. His eyes were not blue. His hair was nowhere near fair. The moment it seemed Zan would survive the disease spreading through the land, Aperys abandoned his young wife. 17 years old and she was left alone to tend to her son. Her own words, she told me. 'When I first heard the echoes coming from my own bathing rooms, I could not believe it. When I looked and saw the man I loved with a black-eyed whore, I broke.'" She smoothes out her robes. "Your grandmother was a beautiful woman. Even after giving birth, her body was to be envied by those less fortunate. His betrayal hit her hard. She stopped eating, she stopped breastfeeding and the young prince suffered. The black-eyed Tirera bath maid was the first of many he took, breaking his wife with each succeeding event."
"Was that why you had warned him away? Initially."
"Maybe. I hated to see him repeat his father's mistakes. With Danei unable to see to her own child, I took over. While I tended the young prince, I studied with Bawo. He seemed to be listening, even then. Maybe that is why he developed his birth rite so young. He was seven, if I remember correctly. Thoroughly ignored by his father, in classes everyday with me and Bawo, whose health was fading, and abandoned by his mother, who had ceased to leave her rooms. The bird crashed through the stained window followed by a small rock. It flopped around on the ground. Bawo was going to pick it up and put it out of its misery before hunting down the little bastard who had shot it." She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "Zan was quicker. He took it in his hands and they glowed. He let it go and sat down to finish his lesson. I'm not sure he entirely knew what he had done but the bird was whole again. It flew out the window on its own. I was foolish. I immediately took him to his father as per Bawo's instructions. I should have hidden it. The look in King Aperys's eyes when I told him what Zan had done. I was kept out of those lessons. Zan was taught to hide his ability, to practice on animals that Aperys had harmed just for the occasion."
"Is that when the beatings started?"
"I don't know when, exactly. By then, Zan was old enough to bathe himself but one night, he was exhausted but filthy. I had taken it upon myself to undress him and bathe him before putting him to bed. That's when I found the bruises on his little body. He was seven. Still a baby in my eyes. I was livid. When I told Bawo what I had seen. She told me to stay out of it. It wasn't my business. I couldn't help myself. I spied on those sessions. Zan was made to watch while Aperys kicked, stabbed or shot some poor defenseless animal in a cage. Then he was made to heal. If he didn't heal fast enough, he was struck. If he didn't heal in the proper manner, he was struck. Every time, Zan got better and the standards were raised that much higher. I looked into Aperys's family records. Zan was the youngest and strongest of his line in generations.
"It often seemed that Aperys punished Zan for maturing so quickly and catching on so fast. I can't tell you how many lessons and evenings at reading I caught Zan healing his own bruises. Healing himself while reading the holy scripts and scrolls. Then, to make things worse, the more pious the son became, the angrier and more violent the father. The more talented and beautiful the healing, the stronger the beating. I am forced to admire Zan's own strength. I could not build that in him. He already had it. He could have become a cowed child of a vicious king but he took the words of the Granilith and battened down any door Aperys beat at. The harder the fists, the more confident the words from your father's mouth." She smiles to herself. "He made me so proud. I could not wait for the day Bawo died and I took her place and I no longer had anyone forcing me to stay my hand."
"What do you mean?"
"It was divine blessing that when Zan grew old enough to beat back that Aperys grew ill having caught the illness from one of his whores. He hid it from us all but he died of it all the same. Zan grew stronger the weaker his father became. We told everyone he died in his sleep but the old man wouldn't go that quietly. He died with a whore on top of him. Danei hasn't been back to the palace since his funeral."
"I don't entirely blame her, I guess. I don't know her. Father tells us when she writes but…"
"She would love you but she would never approve of your father's ways."
"It's not like Father had a choice in the matter."
"After the way Liz's father took the news… Zan just didn't tell his mother anything she didn't need to know. He knows he owes her his life but Danei wasn't the best mother to him." She stares at me with those eyes of hers. "It was important to him that Liz have the option to be there for her children at all. Her decision to stay was probably the reason he let himself fall for her so completely."
TBC
Chooses to be
Present Day. King Zan's Chambers.
Father stands in the field, in the sun for the first time in a week. "I don't know what you want from me, Avery."
"I want the truth. I want to know what is going on." I fix my gaze on the horizon. There are hills with green grass and flowers of every color but beyond those hills lay plains and beyond the plains, desert lands where rain falls little, even less than once fell in the lands of Antar during the droughts. The Tirera lands have always been dry. They have no country. They have no wars. Y'Antari rules all. Y'Antari have wars. Power struggles. "You haven't really spoken of her since I found out the truth. This mess is about her."
"She has a name, Avery."
"Ava. It's a name. A name for someone to only pretended to love me."
"I can't say what Ava felt. I tended to ignore her." He opens his mouth and starts to say something but changes his mind. "When we found out about Killae, I stopped trying to be her friend. I just… stopped. The only time Ava and I had spoken since then was to affirm her behavior. Anything else will have to be obtained through Bawo Lodona."
"She won't speak to me."
"Then she won't speak to you."
"But she has to testify if I ask her."
"That she does."
Present Day. The Chapel.
She ignores me. Her robes flowing around her as she moves, setting up to receive mourners for the deceased queen. Finally, my presence bothers her far too much. She storms down from the pulpit to my pew. "You have duties to see to."
"Yes, I do."
"Then go to them."
"I have to interview you."
"Appointing you as the Champion. Your father was foolish." She snipes at me. She's trying to hurt my feelings. To make me run away and hide like I once did when Father would brush me off.
"I appointed myself Champion, Bawo. Maybe I am foolish but it is my choice. You are bound by law to answer my questions."
"She's dead. Let it be."
"How many secrets do you keep, Bawo Lodona?" I stare at her. "You have thousands of them and I only know of the things you orchestrated through my parents."
"What are you talking about, child?"
"I'm talking about you refusing to let my mother go when she wanted to leave the palace. Mother and Father might be blind and accepting but I can see through some holes in their stories. You were always hoping she would stay. You protested that Father would turn her into a whore but you wouldn't let her go. You were certain she was destined to have his children."
"Child, you are not too old for a beating."
"At your hands, far too old. You wouldn't like to try. I might beat back, even an old woman." I stare at her. "Why didn't you let Father kill her? It would have solved so much. No one would have blinked an eye if she died after allegedly giving birth. You could have orchestrated that well enough… you did kill Kivar."
"Your father talks too much."
"You could have let Mother keep Danei to herself and never involved Ava in a second false pregnancy. You had me. Why bother with eight more children?"
"Such is the will." She spat at me and turned, her robes flying behind her. She rose to the pulpit once more and raised her hands up to the chapel ceiling. She whispered a prayer and then her arms dropped abruptly before she was pulling me from my seat and into her private chambers inside the chapel. The large basin sat there where Father and I had many chats over the years. Always I saw Father in the chapel when he was home, never in his own rooms and now I know why. He entered his rooms and walked straight through to Liz's chambers.
Bawo lights a few candles and begins preparing a batch of nectar for blessings. "I see you've come to me for answers because what? Your father focuses on Liz? He could not be bothered with Ava for long. After the treacheries of your creation and the attempted murders, he all but put her out of his mind…"
19 years ago.
When Ava learned that Liz was pregnant with a second royal child. She withered. She could not shout out obscenities to her husband as she had in the past. He told her while in the throne room where anyone could hear if she raised her voice above a whisper. I had told her. If she even once denied Avery, I would see to it that she would meet her grave early. After Zan broke the news, I told her the same thing about denying this child. Danei as Liz chose to call her. I remembered those twitter painted fools. Whispering in the corridors, taking walks in the fields, staring with mooneyes at each other. So obvious if so many weren't so blind to Zan's charms. When he spoke his words, you could tell he believed them because he spoke with such conviction. Everyone trusted him when he said he loved his wife and no other. There was no reason to suspect in the beginning that he was falling in love with the nursemaid.
They were good for each other after all the bile spewed upon them. I couldn't ever let on to Zan that I truly approved of his foolish chasing of Liz. He'd have none of her if I even smiled at the way he acted a lovesick boy in front of her. They were friends, just friends. Staring, panting but rarely touching. I was driven mad while keeping to myself and ensuring that Ava would behave herself with the children.
I believe to this day that if Zan hadn't left that day in the spring, it would still be going on. He was gone the entire spring. I was back and forth between blessing the new erections and checking on matters in the palace where Ava was confined to the interior of the palace and Liz was free to come and go with the children. I started moving things about to torture Liz, to get an admission out of her. Moved her room far away, had a nursery built for the growing angels. I put them both to work. Ava to teach the young prince about reading and stately ways of the court. Liz to keep Danei healthy in the sun. It was one day while I made Ava take the children to Chapel that I tested Liz's intentions to my king.
She sat at Zan's table with her bibles before her. She scribbled notes in Tirera and then I watched as she rewrote them in Y'Antari. I was proud in that moment but I had to keep it to myself. "You are improving now that you don't have two children attached to your breasts."
"I'm trying. I should be taking care of them." She whispered in that quiet way of hers. "I could read to them, I just need practice."
"Perhaps." I told her and made some corrections to her notes. I watched her read over the notes and whisper to herself. "Your new rooms are done. I am having your things moved just now."
"Moving?" Her face flew up and her eyes widened so that I could see the whites all around those brown circles. "Why?"
"You've made it clear that Zan's affections bother you. I'm solving the problem. You will be near to the children at all times and you will have your space away from that imposing man. He means well but he does come on too strong for such a young woman." She sat very still and quiet. "How old are you now?"
"Twenty-one." She answered me in perfect Y'Antari.
"He still takes you to the spring festivals because you are still so young. It's hard for me to imagine that any number of young men haven't asked for your hand."
"Kylo Nenti asks. He's the magistrate's son."
I knew who the dumb lout was but she only gave me the answers for what I asked, she offered no more. "He's a nice young man. He could make you a nice home. Not as fine as you're used to in these walls but nice enough. Nicer than your father's home in Parkston."
"He would but I don't love him."
"Do you still mourn for Davi?"
"Sometimes, yes… I get sad when I think of him and the life we might have had."
I stroked her hair and she leaned into me. "The love of a lifetime. So young a love, a love without quarrels."
"Davi and I had our quarrels." I could hear the tears in her voice but I needed to know what she was feeling, so I could plan how best to thrust them back together when he returned to find she was no longer so accessible. "In the beginning, he begged me to tell him why I waited so long to tell him about the baby. I was scared, Bawo. I never would have lied to him that the child was his, but I needed to know I was his, first. I loved him so much and even more after we were married."
"I know, child. I know the pains of love."
"And he spoke so… fiercely about his loyalty to Y'Antaru but I was still scared, even then. A bit scared. I was so guilt-ridden and I know he felt it. Maybe he didn't know what about but he knew. I know he knew something… or else he wouldn't have been so insistent on having a child and now, I wish I had one. Maybe then I wouldn't feel like I betray him."
"Why would you think you betray your husband? He's gone and you're here."
"I allow Y'Antaru his attentions. I want them. I crave them but I can't be what he wants me to be. I just can't." Her voice was still thick but tears never fell from her eyes. "How can I be loyal to the memory of my husband if I want to be the object of another's affections?"
"I'm sure Davi would understand. He widowed you far too young. I was not much younger than you when my husband died."
"But you have remained true to him." She sat up and stared at me with wide panicked eyes. "You devoted yourself to your gods. I rarely pray my way anymore. Not since he's been gone."
"I was not immediately Bawo, Liz. When Alei died, I was with child. A child who never took a breath, who died inside me. I nearly died when Queen Danei asked me to feed her son while mine was freshly buried. But I had a dream. A waking dream that night. I saw a vision in the fields of a man so proud and tall, nothing like my Alei. He was handsome and kind and he said he needed me. He needed my strength and my guidance. My feet moved and I found myself in the royal nursery where Prince Zan slept and when his eyes opened, I fell to my knees. His eyes were the same as the man I saw in the field."
"So you knew then?"
"Goodness, no." I laughed out loud for the first time in what felt like years. Since Zan was a student of mine. "I panicked. I ran out of there and into the chapel. I fell to my knees, raised my hands to the sky and prayed for three days straight. Bawo Xerenei finally had enough of my vigil and sat me down. I told her about my dream. How I was awake and dreaming what I dreamt and she became very still. She took me by the shoulders and told me, 'You will walk upstairs and give that child your milk before you dry up. Then you will shower and come down here and I will teach you the ways of the Bawo.' I never questioned her. It just felt right. From that moment forward, I loved Alei in my mind and loved the Granilith with my words and actions. I never forgot him but it seems so long ago that I was anyone's wife."
"Why did you not order me to learn the ways of the Bawo? You told him that you were teaching me."
"I wanted him to leave you alone. To preserve his soul. I could not know he would find you so enchanting as to seek you out so soon after your husband died. You are not right for my life. I know and I trust the Granilith and its will. You have no such faith in our ways. It would be worse than allowing Zan to believe he could have you." I touched her head. "At first, I was protecting you. Shy, young girl from the far reaches. You remind me of myself when I was so much younger. I am an old woman now. Old enough to have a child Zan's age."
"You are not old… but you are wise. I trust your judgments."
Present Day. The Chapel.
"You are a manipulative…"
"Do not finish that sentence, Avery. Prince or no, I will take you over my knee." Bawo warns me. "I was thinking of your father's happiness."
"And what of Liz's? You couldn't know she would love him back."
"I trusted that she already did."
"How? How could you know?"
"When your job is to converse with that which rules the universe, you learn where you can take a few liberties to speed things along." She tells me and sits in her big chair. I remember that chair. Liz has one like it in the nursery. Her story time from that chair while I played with my tops and blocks on the floor. "Like with your father. I had to take over the duties of raising him when his mother fell into depression."
"How do you mean?"
"I vaguely remember your great-grandfather, Geros. A tyrant if ever there was according to the records. He fathered his son late in life and Aperys was 35 and on his second wife when he ascended the throne. I was barely a child. Danei and I weren't close but we were the same age. I married young to escape my overbearing father. She was married off because the King set his sights on her. I was pregnant a few months after the declaration that a prince was to be born in the palace. I hardly gave it a thought. I was expecting my own child with my husband. Alei died a month after I told him the news." She sighs heavily.
"So, why did they need you?"
"Danei." She says simply. "She's Qeonilt. She was not raised there but she is of the blood. Bluest eyes you have ever seen. Blonde hair like the sun. King Aperys was unhappy with Zan from the beginning. His eyes were not blue. His hair was nowhere near fair. The moment it seemed Zan would survive the disease spreading through the land, Aperys abandoned his young wife. 17 years old and she was left alone to tend to her son. Her own words, she told me. 'When I first heard the echoes coming from my own bathing rooms, I could not believe it. When I looked and saw the man I loved with a black-eyed whore, I broke.'" She smoothes out her robes. "Your grandmother was a beautiful woman. Even after giving birth, her body was to be envied by those less fortunate. His betrayal hit her hard. She stopped eating, she stopped breastfeeding and the young prince suffered. The black-eyed Tirera bath maid was the first of many he took, breaking his wife with each succeeding event."
"Was that why you had warned him away? Initially."
"Maybe. I hated to see him repeat his father's mistakes. With Danei unable to see to her own child, I took over. While I tended the young prince, I studied with Bawo. He seemed to be listening, even then. Maybe that is why he developed his birth rite so young. He was seven, if I remember correctly. Thoroughly ignored by his father, in classes everyday with me and Bawo, whose health was fading, and abandoned by his mother, who had ceased to leave her rooms. The bird crashed through the stained window followed by a small rock. It flopped around on the ground. Bawo was going to pick it up and put it out of its misery before hunting down the little bastard who had shot it." She takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. "Zan was quicker. He took it in his hands and they glowed. He let it go and sat down to finish his lesson. I'm not sure he entirely knew what he had done but the bird was whole again. It flew out the window on its own. I was foolish. I immediately took him to his father as per Bawo's instructions. I should have hidden it. The look in King Aperys's eyes when I told him what Zan had done. I was kept out of those lessons. Zan was taught to hide his ability, to practice on animals that Aperys had harmed just for the occasion."
"Is that when the beatings started?"
"I don't know when, exactly. By then, Zan was old enough to bathe himself but one night, he was exhausted but filthy. I had taken it upon myself to undress him and bathe him before putting him to bed. That's when I found the bruises on his little body. He was seven. Still a baby in my eyes. I was livid. When I told Bawo what I had seen. She told me to stay out of it. It wasn't my business. I couldn't help myself. I spied on those sessions. Zan was made to watch while Aperys kicked, stabbed or shot some poor defenseless animal in a cage. Then he was made to heal. If he didn't heal fast enough, he was struck. If he didn't heal in the proper manner, he was struck. Every time, Zan got better and the standards were raised that much higher. I looked into Aperys's family records. Zan was the youngest and strongest of his line in generations.
"It often seemed that Aperys punished Zan for maturing so quickly and catching on so fast. I can't tell you how many lessons and evenings at reading I caught Zan healing his own bruises. Healing himself while reading the holy scripts and scrolls. Then, to make things worse, the more pious the son became, the angrier and more violent the father. The more talented and beautiful the healing, the stronger the beating. I am forced to admire Zan's own strength. I could not build that in him. He already had it. He could have become a cowed child of a vicious king but he took the words of the Granilith and battened down any door Aperys beat at. The harder the fists, the more confident the words from your father's mouth." She smiles to herself. "He made me so proud. I could not wait for the day Bawo died and I took her place and I no longer had anyone forcing me to stay my hand."
"What do you mean?"
"It was divine blessing that when Zan grew old enough to beat back that Aperys grew ill having caught the illness from one of his whores. He hid it from us all but he died of it all the same. Zan grew stronger the weaker his father became. We told everyone he died in his sleep but the old man wouldn't go that quietly. He died with a whore on top of him. Danei hasn't been back to the palace since his funeral."
"I don't entirely blame her, I guess. I don't know her. Father tells us when she writes but…"
"She would love you but she would never approve of your father's ways."
"It's not like Father had a choice in the matter."
"After the way Liz's father took the news… Zan just didn't tell his mother anything she didn't need to know. He knows he owes her his life but Danei wasn't the best mother to him." She stares at me with those eyes of hers. "It was important to him that Liz have the option to be there for her children at all. Her decision to stay was probably the reason he let himself fall for her so completely."
TBC
The Queen of Antar
Peels back the pages
Present Day. The Chapel.
Bawo moves with the grace of a princess and I wonder if it was always that way. She has skirted over her origins over and over throughout my lifetime. "Lodona, whose name is that?"
"Mine." She glares at me then sighs heavily. "Alei Lodona was my husband. Vilandra Lodona is the name I was christened under when I became Bawo."
"Vilandra is a very stately name." I comment, hoping she will reveal something to me.
"So many have said over the years. So many years." She takes a bundle of yarn into her arms. "I meant to have this done before Vlastina was born but time was taken from me. Since you have me captive in my own rooms, I shall finish while you ask your ridiculous questions."
"I still need to know about how she lived. I know that it has not been well and I have trouble, still, reconciling Father's stories with what I know of her."
"Yes, I know. You must understand that your father has always been good but he was once young. When left to his own devices, he was quite the wild child. He loved to be outdoors. Befriending animals and riding horses. That's probably how he got addicted to that weed. He probably picked his first batch himself." She shakes her head and works the threads through a knitting device. "Staring at the pretty girls from behind the grasses. Oh, and to see him dance at the festivals. I miss those days. He hasn’t been allowed in so long."
"So, he started smoking Geroa very young?"
"Perhaps to ease the responsibility of being his father's son. Perhaps to dull the pain when he was too weary to heal his hurts. We've had many discussions about him stopping but never why he insisted upon it despite his adherence to all other laws. He fought so well in the practice fields. I know he was fighting his father the whole time. Aperys's face on any soldier who dared spar with him. Still, as lively a boy and young man, I could see he was missing something. Passion. Love. He was so devout and careful that I feared he'd never meet someone he could live with. Then he laid eyes on Ava of Qeoni. They say the Qeoni are the purest bred of all Antarians. It is probably why they have tried so hard to usurp the monarchy under your line for so long. They practically bred her to entice him. Aperys disapproved of her, immediately, and so it made her all the more enticing. I disapproved for other reasons."
"Why?"
"It has always been said that if the old ones walked among us, Ava was representative of their light and goodness. Her beauty signifying her inside light. She blinded everyone around her, most of all Zan. He saw an angel made of light. He didn't see her mask. The liars that often come out of the Qeonilt. I always found fault with that logic that comes of being Antarian sometimes. I don't know how far back it goes but people insist that the external matches the internal and that simply isn't so."
"Liars? Who else is Qeoni?"
"Lady Nikas. Your grandmother. Lord Larek's first wife. Lord Larek's grandmother on his father's side. They are always reaching out to place their sons and daughters into powerful positions." Her eyes go hard as she eyes the door. "Lady Nikas is descendant of a rare line. I believe an evil line. She is the last of the Y'Antari with the Violet eyes. They look deep blue in most light but I have seen her in her childhood home and her eyes are violet. The stories are far gone forgotten about. The early wars but those who even recall a bit, passed down from parent to child over the generations, know that the Violet eyes are the breeders of hate."
"I assume there's a point in your history lesson." I have to stifle a yawn. It's all very interesting but I have other goals in mind.
"Impatient child." She grinds her teeth. "Ava loved Zan. I could see that when he first met her. He spoke with her father about courting and then he spoke to her. Her eyes were wide and clear. She was besotted in that moment. Still, I knew she wasn't for my Zan and I wish he would have waited to speak to her father. She loved the idea of him. The idea that he was perfect and infallible."
"Bawo?"
"I couldn't see it the minute it happened. It was gradual but she fell out of love with him. Between that Y'Slida's advances and the drought that kept Zan out of the palace... He was gone and Ava saw him for who he was. A man. Just a man. A pious man, but a man just like every other flawed man on the planet. She was disappointed. It wasn't until years after they were married that I learned the details of what happened in the marriage bed but it set off a chain of events… Nectar is sacred and it can corrupt if it is used unwisely by those uneducated of its dangers. Her class was ever wont to numb the real world to exist in a fantasy like in stories told to children to keep their hopes high. Romance and adventure.
"She broke my Zan with her lies and manipulations. He was becoming such a hateful creature before… the incident with a young bath maid. That event forced him into a depression so great, it is a miracle we hid it so well. Liz healed him. Just by being who she is. She was strong despite all the ways she was wronged. She had her weak moments but she always rose above when the time called for it. She inspired him to be a better king and that was before he unknowingly touched her. She is the reason his reign has been so successful."
"That's a lot of credit to lay on her. I don't disagree necessarily but I didn't witness it the way you did."
"Ava was jealous. Of everyone your father came into contact with. He treated all the servants the same. He treated them all well, like equals. Equals of a different job but all as people who mattered, whether or not they could attend court. She fixated on Liz because Zan always seemed to be saving her. It was years before Ava fully realized the damage she had inflicted not only on her marriage but on Liz."
"How do you mean?"
18 years ago. The Palace.
It was a rare moment when Zan was home from healing our lands, settling the disputes. He let Ava out of her room. She leapt at the chance, even if it meant she was the designated babysitter on this outing. Zan had taken Liz to Majeir for the spring festival. He was lonely. He couldn't bear to watch her dance with other men, so he did not go himself. He took his children and his wife to a field for a picnic on the grounds but far out where no one would stumble upon us and hear him venting his frustrations.
Children always have their own ideas of fun, so the little prince ran off with Ava to run after him, to keep him safe. Zan and I sat to talk while Danei played with a wreath of flowers that I had made for her.
"I meant to ask you if you knew about the choice of name." I gestured to the darling princess.
"I did. We talked some, and I explained about Mother. She honored me by choosing Danei." Zan lifted his face to the sun, pain in his eyes. He was so lonely in those days. "I gave her every option to name her daughter after someone close to her. She doesn't remember her mother."
"It will happen that way." I could not remember what I had meant to say by that.
"You took her away from me." His voice was full of pain but his eyes were dry. Those eyes could break me if I stared too hard, just like when he was a child.
"Pardon?"
"You took Liz away from me."
"I did not. I gave her space."
"Did she ask to be away from me?"
"Do you want her to make her decision of her own accord? The way you press her, she's bound to cave just to shut you up."
"I need her."
"I know you think that."
"She's not just some Tirera girl. She's special. Special to me." He looked so sad. I had taken away his bedmates. He missed that. Sleeping in the same bed with Liz and their children. I could understand that. There was a time when I missed him sleeping next to me. When my breasts ached as they dried up because he was too old to suckle. I only missed having a child sleep in my arms. He missed his children and the object of his obsession.
Our eyes followed Ava chasing the little prince between tall grasses and low hills. She seemed to genuinely enjoy our little prince. Sometimes her glass eyes revealed something else to me. Maybe regret or sadness. It was always hard to tell with that mask she always wore. "What is it, Zan?"
"She tried to come to me, last night. I felt ill even though the barriers kept her away. The thought of her touching me is repugnant."
"I understand."
"I'll still be sleeping in Liz's old room. Don't take the bed out. Get Liz the best feather pillows and down mattresses. I want her to be comfortable. Whatever she wants for her room."
"Don't ask her to stay."
"How can I not? I need her to stay. I need her with me."
"What if she needs to be away from you, Zan? It is a miracle she allowed her husband to love her after the way she described your mating to me. It is a miracle that there was even a second child. She has to remember the terror but also learn to look on you in love? She is strong but not that strong. Two unplanned children, one by rape, one by accident. Her husband gone. She needs time to see if she really wants you or if she needs to be somewhere else."
He sat there in silence next to me while his child crawled around on the blanket. "She could have taken her and no one would have been the wiser. She doesn't look a thing like me."
"She is a combination of her parents." I told him as I picked up the happy baby girl. "A child we will keep our eye on when in the care of your wife."
"Absolutely. My daughter will be nothing like my wife and absolutely as like her mother as can be managed."
I could see what Zan could not, his eyes still on the sky. His wife's hurt eyes as she'd heard every word. From time to time I'd seen her covering for her withdrawal. She was addicted to nectar but she'd never say.
Present Day. The chapel.
"It was only the following year when it all fell into place that I learned the extent of her vice."
"How's that?"
"It was no passing thing. Your father dealt with Geroa for a long time but he kept it a recreation reserved for times when it didn't matter what he did. He was able to quit it quickly. A word from Liz was all it took. He swore it off. He did slip from time to time as the occasion occurred but certainly only a handful of occurrences in the last decade."
"So, what happened?" I plead. "What happened to set everything in stone?"
"It was sickness. You won't be able to get any of them to talk about it. They won't. They can't." Bawo grips the blanket she is nearly finished with. "I do not know everything but I do know my part in it all."
"Tell me. I'm ready. I will listen."
17 years ago.
Zan had been and gone and been and gone again. He worked himself too hard. He reached beyond his physical means to aid a village on the flood line. Day after day in the rain, night after night with little or no sleep. They moved everything in that village up the hillside. 300 rods upward, to keep the rising flood line well below the village. It took two weeks to complete, to ensure all the citizens would be safe. He watched for two hours while they adjusted to their new arrangement, then he collapsed in the town square. They carried him a league to his camp where I was waiting. My crystals failed me. I could give him very little strength. Just enough to keep him with us until we returned to the palace.
His pale complexion, his thin face, deep dark sockets for eyes. In all his life, I could not recall a time when he scared me so deeply. When I found her, Ava was reading to the children, her face gaunt but no more than any time I had seen her before. It was then I suspected something was amiss. She should look far more ill than she did sitting pretty in her rooms. She came in and did her duty by her husband but he grew no stronger but no worse. Thankfully no worse, I thought after the fact. Using their bond hadn't healed him and I was grasping at straws. "Ava, I need to know which nectars you abused. Which bowls?"
She stood in front of my closet and examined the bowls. "They all look the same to me."
"This is the wedding bowl. You should know this one." I held it up.
"Yes, I've used it a few times." She picked one up and examined it. "This one… and that one." She grabbed another and another. "Definitely these."
"Where were the blessings prepared in the Qeonilt?" I examined the contents of my stores, idle thoughts leaking in. "I don't often send the blessing nectars from my own stores."
"Bawo Kinesh prepares them herself in the Qeonilt chapel… I think."
"She doesn't leave to prepare them somewhere else?"
"No."
"She will corrupt all the blessings." I hissed and had to think quickly. The nectars had to be prepared inside the Granilith in order to do as needed. It was all delicately balanced. Cutting corners to save long travels was lazy and possibly harmful. I was beginning to see why some events turned the way they did. "Ava, I need you to tell me everything you remember about any time you received a blessing in the form of nectar."
I listened. None of it seemed out of the ordinary, despite the preparation, until her marriage vows. She had been numb, hardly felt a thing. Zan had never told me he'd felt pain. Hers or his. I had always assumed things had gone as they should. Nectar could not solve this problem. With Ava, nectar just seemed to amplify problems. "Show me what you laced your victim's birthday cake with."
She blinked at me with those big blank blue eyes and I felt fury rising in my soul for the millionth time since Zan had entered my chapel that day with tears streaming down his face. She seemed to snap out of some sort of haze and showed me how she had mixed the nectars and laced the cake. How she had moved the bowls to sabotage her husband's dose.
Liz had taken a dose meant for an older bride. Zan had taken a dose for a man who had been having problems in his bedroom. The bond was weak but the bond had been formed in order for the child to occur. Liz had broken free of the nectar's influences sometime far too early if I even half-understood her description of the events that night. It would have to be enough.
I set about mixing the nectars for what I needed to occur. I checked on Zan but his condition was getting worse. I feared for his life. I had to do what I knew was wrong without consent but it had to be done to save his life. I had to severe the bond. I had to give Zan his secret wish.
Present Day. The chapel.
"What's that?"
"I had to grant Zan a divorce."
TBC
Peels back the pages
Present Day. The Chapel.
Bawo moves with the grace of a princess and I wonder if it was always that way. She has skirted over her origins over and over throughout my lifetime. "Lodona, whose name is that?"
"Mine." She glares at me then sighs heavily. "Alei Lodona was my husband. Vilandra Lodona is the name I was christened under when I became Bawo."
"Vilandra is a very stately name." I comment, hoping she will reveal something to me.
"So many have said over the years. So many years." She takes a bundle of yarn into her arms. "I meant to have this done before Vlastina was born but time was taken from me. Since you have me captive in my own rooms, I shall finish while you ask your ridiculous questions."
"I still need to know about how she lived. I know that it has not been well and I have trouble, still, reconciling Father's stories with what I know of her."
"Yes, I know. You must understand that your father has always been good but he was once young. When left to his own devices, he was quite the wild child. He loved to be outdoors. Befriending animals and riding horses. That's probably how he got addicted to that weed. He probably picked his first batch himself." She shakes her head and works the threads through a knitting device. "Staring at the pretty girls from behind the grasses. Oh, and to see him dance at the festivals. I miss those days. He hasn’t been allowed in so long."
"So, he started smoking Geroa very young?"
"Perhaps to ease the responsibility of being his father's son. Perhaps to dull the pain when he was too weary to heal his hurts. We've had many discussions about him stopping but never why he insisted upon it despite his adherence to all other laws. He fought so well in the practice fields. I know he was fighting his father the whole time. Aperys's face on any soldier who dared spar with him. Still, as lively a boy and young man, I could see he was missing something. Passion. Love. He was so devout and careful that I feared he'd never meet someone he could live with. Then he laid eyes on Ava of Qeoni. They say the Qeoni are the purest bred of all Antarians. It is probably why they have tried so hard to usurp the monarchy under your line for so long. They practically bred her to entice him. Aperys disapproved of her, immediately, and so it made her all the more enticing. I disapproved for other reasons."
"Why?"
"It has always been said that if the old ones walked among us, Ava was representative of their light and goodness. Her beauty signifying her inside light. She blinded everyone around her, most of all Zan. He saw an angel made of light. He didn't see her mask. The liars that often come out of the Qeonilt. I always found fault with that logic that comes of being Antarian sometimes. I don't know how far back it goes but people insist that the external matches the internal and that simply isn't so."
"Liars? Who else is Qeoni?"
"Lady Nikas. Your grandmother. Lord Larek's first wife. Lord Larek's grandmother on his father's side. They are always reaching out to place their sons and daughters into powerful positions." Her eyes go hard as she eyes the door. "Lady Nikas is descendant of a rare line. I believe an evil line. She is the last of the Y'Antari with the Violet eyes. They look deep blue in most light but I have seen her in her childhood home and her eyes are violet. The stories are far gone forgotten about. The early wars but those who even recall a bit, passed down from parent to child over the generations, know that the Violet eyes are the breeders of hate."
"I assume there's a point in your history lesson." I have to stifle a yawn. It's all very interesting but I have other goals in mind.
"Impatient child." She grinds her teeth. "Ava loved Zan. I could see that when he first met her. He spoke with her father about courting and then he spoke to her. Her eyes were wide and clear. She was besotted in that moment. Still, I knew she wasn't for my Zan and I wish he would have waited to speak to her father. She loved the idea of him. The idea that he was perfect and infallible."
"Bawo?"
"I couldn't see it the minute it happened. It was gradual but she fell out of love with him. Between that Y'Slida's advances and the drought that kept Zan out of the palace... He was gone and Ava saw him for who he was. A man. Just a man. A pious man, but a man just like every other flawed man on the planet. She was disappointed. It wasn't until years after they were married that I learned the details of what happened in the marriage bed but it set off a chain of events… Nectar is sacred and it can corrupt if it is used unwisely by those uneducated of its dangers. Her class was ever wont to numb the real world to exist in a fantasy like in stories told to children to keep their hopes high. Romance and adventure.
"She broke my Zan with her lies and manipulations. He was becoming such a hateful creature before… the incident with a young bath maid. That event forced him into a depression so great, it is a miracle we hid it so well. Liz healed him. Just by being who she is. She was strong despite all the ways she was wronged. She had her weak moments but she always rose above when the time called for it. She inspired him to be a better king and that was before he unknowingly touched her. She is the reason his reign has been so successful."
"That's a lot of credit to lay on her. I don't disagree necessarily but I didn't witness it the way you did."
"Ava was jealous. Of everyone your father came into contact with. He treated all the servants the same. He treated them all well, like equals. Equals of a different job but all as people who mattered, whether or not they could attend court. She fixated on Liz because Zan always seemed to be saving her. It was years before Ava fully realized the damage she had inflicted not only on her marriage but on Liz."
"How do you mean?"
18 years ago. The Palace.
It was a rare moment when Zan was home from healing our lands, settling the disputes. He let Ava out of her room. She leapt at the chance, even if it meant she was the designated babysitter on this outing. Zan had taken Liz to Majeir for the spring festival. He was lonely. He couldn't bear to watch her dance with other men, so he did not go himself. He took his children and his wife to a field for a picnic on the grounds but far out where no one would stumble upon us and hear him venting his frustrations.
Children always have their own ideas of fun, so the little prince ran off with Ava to run after him, to keep him safe. Zan and I sat to talk while Danei played with a wreath of flowers that I had made for her.
"I meant to ask you if you knew about the choice of name." I gestured to the darling princess.
"I did. We talked some, and I explained about Mother. She honored me by choosing Danei." Zan lifted his face to the sun, pain in his eyes. He was so lonely in those days. "I gave her every option to name her daughter after someone close to her. She doesn't remember her mother."
"It will happen that way." I could not remember what I had meant to say by that.
"You took her away from me." His voice was full of pain but his eyes were dry. Those eyes could break me if I stared too hard, just like when he was a child.
"Pardon?"
"You took Liz away from me."
"I did not. I gave her space."
"Did she ask to be away from me?"
"Do you want her to make her decision of her own accord? The way you press her, she's bound to cave just to shut you up."
"I need her."
"I know you think that."
"She's not just some Tirera girl. She's special. Special to me." He looked so sad. I had taken away his bedmates. He missed that. Sleeping in the same bed with Liz and their children. I could understand that. There was a time when I missed him sleeping next to me. When my breasts ached as they dried up because he was too old to suckle. I only missed having a child sleep in my arms. He missed his children and the object of his obsession.
Our eyes followed Ava chasing the little prince between tall grasses and low hills. She seemed to genuinely enjoy our little prince. Sometimes her glass eyes revealed something else to me. Maybe regret or sadness. It was always hard to tell with that mask she always wore. "What is it, Zan?"
"She tried to come to me, last night. I felt ill even though the barriers kept her away. The thought of her touching me is repugnant."
"I understand."
"I'll still be sleeping in Liz's old room. Don't take the bed out. Get Liz the best feather pillows and down mattresses. I want her to be comfortable. Whatever she wants for her room."
"Don't ask her to stay."
"How can I not? I need her to stay. I need her with me."
"What if she needs to be away from you, Zan? It is a miracle she allowed her husband to love her after the way she described your mating to me. It is a miracle that there was even a second child. She has to remember the terror but also learn to look on you in love? She is strong but not that strong. Two unplanned children, one by rape, one by accident. Her husband gone. She needs time to see if she really wants you or if she needs to be somewhere else."
He sat there in silence next to me while his child crawled around on the blanket. "She could have taken her and no one would have been the wiser. She doesn't look a thing like me."
"She is a combination of her parents." I told him as I picked up the happy baby girl. "A child we will keep our eye on when in the care of your wife."
"Absolutely. My daughter will be nothing like my wife and absolutely as like her mother as can be managed."
I could see what Zan could not, his eyes still on the sky. His wife's hurt eyes as she'd heard every word. From time to time I'd seen her covering for her withdrawal. She was addicted to nectar but she'd never say.
Present Day. The chapel.
"It was only the following year when it all fell into place that I learned the extent of her vice."
"How's that?"
"It was no passing thing. Your father dealt with Geroa for a long time but he kept it a recreation reserved for times when it didn't matter what he did. He was able to quit it quickly. A word from Liz was all it took. He swore it off. He did slip from time to time as the occasion occurred but certainly only a handful of occurrences in the last decade."
"So, what happened?" I plead. "What happened to set everything in stone?"
"It was sickness. You won't be able to get any of them to talk about it. They won't. They can't." Bawo grips the blanket she is nearly finished with. "I do not know everything but I do know my part in it all."
"Tell me. I'm ready. I will listen."
17 years ago.
Zan had been and gone and been and gone again. He worked himself too hard. He reached beyond his physical means to aid a village on the flood line. Day after day in the rain, night after night with little or no sleep. They moved everything in that village up the hillside. 300 rods upward, to keep the rising flood line well below the village. It took two weeks to complete, to ensure all the citizens would be safe. He watched for two hours while they adjusted to their new arrangement, then he collapsed in the town square. They carried him a league to his camp where I was waiting. My crystals failed me. I could give him very little strength. Just enough to keep him with us until we returned to the palace.
His pale complexion, his thin face, deep dark sockets for eyes. In all his life, I could not recall a time when he scared me so deeply. When I found her, Ava was reading to the children, her face gaunt but no more than any time I had seen her before. It was then I suspected something was amiss. She should look far more ill than she did sitting pretty in her rooms. She came in and did her duty by her husband but he grew no stronger but no worse. Thankfully no worse, I thought after the fact. Using their bond hadn't healed him and I was grasping at straws. "Ava, I need to know which nectars you abused. Which bowls?"
She stood in front of my closet and examined the bowls. "They all look the same to me."
"This is the wedding bowl. You should know this one." I held it up.
"Yes, I've used it a few times." She picked one up and examined it. "This one… and that one." She grabbed another and another. "Definitely these."
"Where were the blessings prepared in the Qeonilt?" I examined the contents of my stores, idle thoughts leaking in. "I don't often send the blessing nectars from my own stores."
"Bawo Kinesh prepares them herself in the Qeonilt chapel… I think."
"She doesn't leave to prepare them somewhere else?"
"No."
"She will corrupt all the blessings." I hissed and had to think quickly. The nectars had to be prepared inside the Granilith in order to do as needed. It was all delicately balanced. Cutting corners to save long travels was lazy and possibly harmful. I was beginning to see why some events turned the way they did. "Ava, I need you to tell me everything you remember about any time you received a blessing in the form of nectar."
I listened. None of it seemed out of the ordinary, despite the preparation, until her marriage vows. She had been numb, hardly felt a thing. Zan had never told me he'd felt pain. Hers or his. I had always assumed things had gone as they should. Nectar could not solve this problem. With Ava, nectar just seemed to amplify problems. "Show me what you laced your victim's birthday cake with."
She blinked at me with those big blank blue eyes and I felt fury rising in my soul for the millionth time since Zan had entered my chapel that day with tears streaming down his face. She seemed to snap out of some sort of haze and showed me how she had mixed the nectars and laced the cake. How she had moved the bowls to sabotage her husband's dose.
Liz had taken a dose meant for an older bride. Zan had taken a dose for a man who had been having problems in his bedroom. The bond was weak but the bond had been formed in order for the child to occur. Liz had broken free of the nectar's influences sometime far too early if I even half-understood her description of the events that night. It would have to be enough.
I set about mixing the nectars for what I needed to occur. I checked on Zan but his condition was getting worse. I feared for his life. I had to do what I knew was wrong without consent but it had to be done to save his life. I had to severe the bond. I had to give Zan his secret wish.
Present Day. The chapel.
"What's that?"
"I had to grant Zan a divorce."
TBC