ShatteredDreamer
Natalie36
Tamashii
FSU/MSW-94
LairaBehr4
I will be continuing to update every day or second day so please check back here often.
Part 21 – The morning after
When I open my eyes, I see Max staring at me, a goofy grin on his face. “How long have you been starring at me?” I ask.
His eyes don’t leave mine. “A while. You’re so beautiful, Liz.”
Corny, corny. But I love it. “Hoping to get another round, are we?” It comes out as jest but I can already feel the wetness forming between my legs.
“Well, now that you mention it.” He pushes a strand of hair behind my ear and kisses me softly.
“Uggh, morning breath,” I mock push him away and we both laugh. Then I glance at the clock. It’s 7:15. “If you don’t crawl back into your bedroom soon, you’re mother will know.” I know, strange time for me to be pulling the whole goody-goody routine, but if our parents catch us I’m worried they’ll try to keep us apart again.
He lays back on the pillow letting out a sigh of defeat. “I know. I know.”
He gets up and I enjoy the view. His strong bare legs, buttocks, 6 pack abs, as he steps into his boxers and jeans and then pulls on his shirt.
I wrap the sheet around me and walk over to the window with him. What we intend on being a quick peck turns into a lengthy kiss, the morning breath long forgotten, then I hear dad call my name and I quickly urge Max out the window.
Max looks pained as he looks back at me through the outside of the open window. Then I realize the cause, it’s the bulge in his pants. “Eraser room,” I say in response and he smiles, then I add, “If you’re lucky.”
He beams at me. “Oh, I’m lucky Liz. The luckiest guy in the world.”
Guys are so predictable after they’ve been laid, aren’t they?
**************
I have breakfast with dad. Nothing special, just some toast and eggs from downstairs but still, something about eating together is special. We read the funnies in the paper together and laugh. We read the politics section and groan.
One thing I can’t help but notice though, is the fact that Nancy isn’t around. When I ask him, he mentions something about an early morning meeting. It’s strange though, because dad has always done the managing of the crashdown, so I can’t imagine it relates to that. And other than her weekly yoga class, Nancy has never been involved in much.
For a second a smile at the idea that maybe she’s left, but when dad is in the shower I slip into their room and find all of her things still in place. Damn.
Max comes by for me after breakfast and we walk to school with Michael and Maria. Maria looks at my bushy eyed smile with question, so I whisper, “I’m back in the whore club again,” and she gives me a high five, something that is thankfully oblivious to both Max and Michael, who both seem to be secret squirrels when it comes to this sort of thing.
**************
After first class, Max and I meet up in the hall. “So, I remember something about the eraser room?” he reminds me with an evil grin.
“Oh ya,” I smile mischievously as we head into the eraser room and close the door.
“So you’re ok with everything?” he asks me.
“Yes. Stop asking.”
“Did you tell Maria?”
I nod.
“Why?” he asks.
“Well, she told me when she and Michael did. Don’t worry,” I add, “she won’t say anything.”
‘She and Michael!” he exclaims.
“I take it he didn’t tell you?” See I told you, they are both secret squirrels.
“Nope, and it really is none of my business, but still,” a smile forms on his face. “I’m glad they seem so happy together. They both deserve it.”
I nod my agreement.
“So,” he asks awkwardly. “We are in the eraser room.”
I did promise to ease some of his tension this morning so I reach down and grab him though his pants and am surprised to find him hard. I mean we weren’t even kissing, just standing here talking about Maria and Michael. “Well, someone’s ready,” I purr.
“And waiting, all morning,” he groans as I pull down his pants.
I give him a blow job but the truth is that I don’t want to. The whole sex thing just isn’t sitting well with me right now, let alone the idea of a blow job in the school eraser room but I did offer earlier, so I do.
Don’t get me wrong, the sex with Max was great. I mean he tried very hard to please me and succeeded and well you’ve seen the body on him It was nice to feel so close to someone who loves me, so safe….but there are other feelings surfacing now, especially as he pumps his dick in and out of my mouth. And believe me when I say, they aren’t good feelings.
When he comes in my mouth I swallow the cum. I zip his pants back up and stand up myself, awkward. I know it makes no sense but I feel like a whore. I try to brush off the feeling but I can’t.
He doesn’t pick up on my discomfort, which I am grateful for. “Can I return the favor?” he asks me.
I really need him to leave, so I shake my head. “No, your class has already started.” I hope my smile looks genuine.
“Later, then,” he promises as he bends down and gives me a kiss.
He opens the door and is surprised when I don’t start to follow him out. “You coming?”
“I have a free period,” I say. “I think I’ll just stay in here and fix myself up for a minute.”
“Ok. I’ll see you in Biolgy. Love you.” He kisses me again.
“I love you too.” I smile as genuinely as I can until he closes the door behind him. Then I lean against the wall and slide down to the floor.
Suck it Bitch. I can hear Sean’s words echo in my head.
He used to thrust so deeply in my mouth, I’d almost choke.
I hated the taste of him, but he wouldn’t let me spit it out.
I always said you were a whore. His voice mocks me. God, please help me turn it off. I start to cry. I can’t stop.
The door opens and I find Michael standing on the other side. He sees the tears, “Liz, what the?”
I motion for him to close and lock the door. He does so and then sits down beside me.”I was supposed to meet Maria in here.”
“God. What is it with you guys? You have sex once and then we’re like a fuck machine, is that it?”
Can you tell I’m feeling used?
“Liz?” he looks at me with worry.
The door handle rattles. Someone is trying to get in but can’t. “Michael?” Maria whispers.
Michael looks at me. Then at the door. He says nothing. The door rattles a few more times, then stops at we hear footsteps as Maria walks away.
“Sorry.” I really don’t want him to miss his nookie with Maria, but I really do need him right now.
“It’s ok.” He looks at me seriously. “Liz, what’s going on?”
I put my head in my knees. “I think I had sex with Max too soon.”
“Oh.” What is he supposed to say to that?
“I know, you didn’t know. It was last night. So now you do. It’s just so much the same it scares me.”
“The same?”
“As Sean,” I whisper. I hate saying his name.
“The drummer, right? That you dated in California? What happened?”
I don’t plan on answering but as always with Michael, the truth comes pouring out. “When mom died and I first moved in with dad and Nancy I was so lonely. Then I met Sean. He charmed the pants off of me. Bought me gifts. He was older and in a band and he’d sneak me into all their gigs. I felt so important. He treated me so well, you know? I was happy. Then we had sex, he was my first – that was when things changed. I know it probably wasn’t because of the sex but because of other things that happened at that time, he lost his standard gig and had no money coming in and was crashing on someone’s floor, he started doing heroin and it was just like he changed overnight.”
“Oh god, Liz. I’m sorry.”
“Every time we saw each other all he wanted was sex. He always called me a whore, said in front of people, “Oh here comes my whore, for her daily romp.” I told him I didn’t like it but he said he did and that if I didn’t he’d find some other whore who’d comply. I know I should have left, but things were falling apart at home, I literally had no one and I couldn’t lose him. So I did it. I even had sex with him in front of his friends. He always made me give him blow jobs and they were painful, he was so rough. He never cared about me, just unzipped his pants and then zipped them up again after he’d cum.”
“You know that Max would never do that to you, he loves you.”
Sean said he loved me but he didn’t. Max says he loves me.
“This morning, I gave him a blow job in here and it just felt like I was back there. I mean it was over like that. We didn’t even kiss before. I felt so used.”
“Did Max force you?” Michael looks enraged.
“No, no. That’s the thing. I was the one who offered. It’s not his fault.”
“You have to tell him.”
“What, that being intimate with him was a mistake? I can’t.” I have hurt Max a million times already. I don’t have it in me to do it again.
“Why not?”
“It will hurt him. You of all people know how much of a rollercoaster our relationship has been. I can’t do this to him.”
“So what will you do then?” He doesn’t look impressed.
“I’ll deal with it. I’ll talk to Dr. Yarrow about it. And you’ll help me keep perspective, right? I mean, remind me that Max loves me.” This will work, I know it will. I’m stronger now, I can get through this.
He looks at me skeptically. “I can try Liz but I’m not sure it will be enough.”
“It has to be.”
The bell rings. We both stand up. I run my fingers through my hair and wipe my eyes, trying to somewhat clean myself up.
“I’m sorry, I kept your from Maria.”
“Liz, you know it’s ok.” Thank god Michael is always here for me.
We hug and open the door to the hall and then yup you guessed it, run smack dab into Max and Maria. Michael and I seem to have perfect timing when it comes to them.
“What’s going on? “ Max asks. “I’ve been looking for you, we have Biology. Have you been in there this whole time,” he glances Michael’s way, “with Michael?”
“Yes.” I didn’t do anything wrong, so why do I feel so guilty?
“But, Michael,” Maria whines. Yes, it’s a very annoying whine too. “We were supposed to meet in there.”
Poor Michael. Getting trampled on, for coming to my aid once again. “It’s my fault Maria. I was really upset. Michael was trying to calm me down. Don’t be mad at him.”
She looks at both of us as if assessing the truth factor and then relaxes. “It’s ok. But I don’t appreciate the fact that you ignored my knocking.”
Max looks at me suspiciously with that comment. “I didn’t hear any knocking. Of course I was crying like crazy, so…”
What can they say to that? Other than the fact they pity me?
Maria looks at Michael, “We have English.” And the two saunter down the hall leaving me alone to face Max.
“Liz? Were you upset when I left?” he asks.
“Yes.”
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
“You had class?”
“Was it what we did in there or last night?” See, he’s asking me. This is my chance to come clean….but I just can’t.
“What?” I fake surprise. “Of course not. It was just the stuff with my dad.”
He buys it but is still upset. “And once again, you went to Michael over me. Why?” he looks miffed.
“Like I said, you had class, he didn’t. It’s as simple as that.”
“So, if I’d had a free period, you would have talked to me?” he asks.
“Of course.” It’s only a white lie.
“Well you should have instead of…”
“I just don’t like to upset you with things. I want you to be happy.” I blurt out.
“You make me happy, Liz Parker. Not anything you do, although you are very talented at that too. But you, are what I love. You got that?”
“Aye aye captian, I do. Now are we going to class?” I ask with a laugh.
We kiss briefly and head towards biology hand in hand.
I know you want to read me the riot act.
I had sex with Tommy and tones of other guys and didn’t react this way. But I didn’t love them. I loved Sean. I love Max. That is what makes all the difference.
I was the one that initiated the sex last night with Max and the blow job, you point out. Why would I if I really didn’t want to?
I did want to but I wasn’t ready. I didn’t know I wasn’t ready and that isn’t Max’s fault so he never has to know.
If I’ve spread my legs for as many guys as I have, I can surely spread them a few more times for Max. I will get past this.
As we walk into Biology class and Max smiles down at me as though he’d trust me with his life, only one thing runs through my mind: Lying to your other half is not something I recommend. It doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t feel good at all. But it's easy.
Break Me (M/L Adult) COMPLETE Sept. 9
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maya
- Addicted Roswellian
- Posts: 246
- Joined: Sat Aug 20, 2005 2:44 pm
- Location: Wherever my heart takes me
Check out My Blog:
Who Put the Mustard in my Custard?
Who Put the Mustard in my Custard?
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maya
- Addicted Roswellian
- Posts: 246
- Joined: Sat Aug 20, 2005 2:44 pm
- Location: Wherever my heart takes me
The rollercoaster of angst is not over and the worst is yet to come, however, I will let you know when we hit the worst of it so that you are prepared.
Thank you for all the wonderful feedback! Please keep it coming. I will post the next part either later tonight or sometime tomorrow.
LairaBehr4
Tamashii
FSU/MSW-94
roswell3053
behrluv32
hazz
clueless
ShatteredDreamer
confusedfool
Tessa1982
sprayadhesive
Part 22 – The past comes crawling back
When I get home from a movie date with Max, I enter through the crashdown which is closed and dark, so you can imagine my surprise when I see my dad sitting alone at one of the tables.
“Dad?” I ask. ‘What is going on?”
He looks up at me sadly. There are large circles under his eyes. “Liz,” he says, “you better sit down.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. God, I hope we aren’t moving again. After all, that was his answer the last time things got tough.
“What is it?” I ask.
“Nancy left,” he says matter of factly.
What on earth is he talking about? “Left for where?”
He takes my hand. “She left me, Liz.”
“Why?”
He doesn’t say anything.
“Because of me?” I croak but inside I really hope he doesn’t answer that.
He doesn’t answer my question directly but confirms my suspicions in a roundabout way.
“I should never have married someone who couldn’t accept I had a child. I’m so sorry Liz,” he starts to sob.
I should feel happy right now, happy that the wicked witch of the west is gone, but for some reason I don’t at all. I just hold my father. After all that has happened, why would she decide to leave us now?
****************
The weeks pass and I’m able told it together. I haven’t cut. I haven’t taken drugs. Max and I have made love a few times. The making love part is ok, actually more like out of this world. It’s when he holds me after that I hold back tears and I relive the most horrible moment of my life.
What I forgot to tell you is that Sean broke up with me when we were laying in bed after sex.
I think this is all I like about you. The sex. I don’t actually like you at all. So I’m ending it. To be fair.
Can you imagine, telling someone all they ever were too you is a whore and thinking that statement is fair? Thinking it won’t dissolve their world? Won’t make them want to cut?
I was never good enough for his producer friends. He always hid me from them. I wasn’t good enough for him, other than to fuck me.
So ya, when I came home in tears that day after I had been fucked and then dumped, there was no one to comfort me, just a dark lonely house. And when the next day, I told dad we had broken up, he said it was probably for the best, had kissed my head and then proceeded to take Nancy away for the weekend. I was left alone, again.
It was then that I started cutting.
But as Dr. Yarrow has stated, it wasn’t Sean that gave me BPD. Ha ha, when I say it in its acronym form is sounds like a sexually transmitted disease.
“Why do you think you stayed with him after he treated you that way?” Dr. Yarrow asks. I hate it when she asks a question she already knows the answer to.
“I didn’t want to be abandoned.” We all know how deep my abandonment issues lie.
“Why were you so dependent on him in the first place?”
I glare at her. “We both know why.” To make up for a physically absent dad, an emotionally absent mother, a bitch of a step mother for whom I always played second fiddle.
“How do you feel, now that your dad has been making some changes?”
“Good.” It has been nice to have a real dad around.
“And what about Nancy being gone? He has obviously stood up for you.”
The thing is that I don’t know for sure what happened. I don’t know that he stood up for me at all. And even if he did….“That it may be too late?” I tell Dr. Yarrow. Those are the first words that pop out of my mouth.
“Is it really?” she asks.
“No.” I don’t know where that came from but I do know that I mean it. I can’t hold onto this blame forever or I will never get better.
It’s time for me to learn to move on.
***************
The formal is coming up in a few days. Maria and I went shopping for these gorgeous dresses earlier today. Mine is red with a slit up one side. Hers is a white princess dress. We will be going out to dinner with the guys at Chez Nam and then taking a limo to the formal.
The crappy part is that Maria won’t be able to spend the night with Michael. Her mother is worried about her losing her virginity at the formal, little does she know she lost it a while ago, and is making her come home by 11 pm. Easy going Michael is fine with it, they can always have sex in the afternoon, but Maria is not one to break tradition and is pretty disappointed about the whole thing.
So Max and I agreed we’d make it an early night with them. A chance for the four of us to hang out as friends.
While Max and I are hanging out at the park, he comes up with another fun idea.
“School will be over in a month. Why don’t the four of us take a road trip?”
My eyes light up. “I’ve never taken a road trip before. Well, ok, I guess my life of continual moving could be considered a very long road trip. But this would be different, an angst filled vacation with good friends.
“Where would we go?” I ask him.
“Well, we could head through Arizona and then by Camp Bernadine, relive some old memories?” he suggests. “Then onto California.”
California is where Sean is. Bad memories for me.
“I’d rather go east,” I suggest.
“Great. I’ll go anywhere, as long as it’s with you.”
Michael and Maria are both working at the Crashdown right now so we decide to head over and run the idea by them, see if they’d be game to go. Then we’ll have to run the whole thing by the parental units. That should be interesting.
When we get there, Max says he has to talk to Michael in private about a surprise for the formal, so he heads to the kitchen. I take a seat at the booth and say ‘Hi’ to Maria who is behind the counter.
Her eyes are as wide as saucers when she sees me. “Liz, some guy was in here today, asking about you.”
That gets my interest for sure. “Really. Who?” I mean it’s not like I’m Miss. popular or anything. Maybe I have a secret admirer?
“Said his name was Sean,” she responds.
My heart stops. The room starts to spin. This can’t be happening. It can’t be that Sean.
I grab her shoulders. “What did he look like?” My heart starts beating fast.
She thinks about it for a minute. “Like he was in his 20’s, dark hair, leather jacket.”
He always wears that damn leather jacket. Damn. “Did my dad see him?”
“No. Should I have said something?” She looks worried.
A look of panic crosses my face. “No, do not tell me dad.”
“Michael came out and had words with him. Not sure what was said. Who is he?”
“I can’t talk about this now.”
I head straight for Michael. I need to know what was said. When I barge into the kitchen I interrupt him and Max. “What did he want?” I blurt out.
Michael whips around and knows exactly what I was talking about. “He said he needed to talk to you.”
“About what?” I ask.
“Who wants to talk to you?” Max asks.
“Sean!” Michael and I yell in unison.
“Your ex boyfriend, Sean?” He knows the name but not much about what happened.
I nod and look to Michael again. “About what?” Why on earth is Sean here and why now?
“He wouldn’t say but I told him to get lost.”
Tears form in the corners of my eyes. “Why now, Michael?”
“I don’t know.”
I start to tremble. I start to cry. He can’t come back now. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to handle this.
Max envelopes me in his arms and kisses the top of my head. “Everything is going to be ok.”
I pull away from him. It just, I don’t like way being held by someone makes me feel right now.
I look at Michael. “My dad can’t know.”
“Maybe, you should…”
“No.”
I head out of the crash, Max hot on my heels. “Liz?” he asks, running after me.
I jump in the passenger side of his jeep. “Let’s go somewhere, anywhere but here.”
And he complies.
The road trip is long forgotten.
***********
We end up at the dessert sitting down on the soft hot sand in silence.
“Do you know how it feels to be left out like this?” he asks. “It’s like you and Michael have your own language that I can’t understand.”
“Max, he just knows about Sean.” I’m too stressed for this right now.
“Do I get to know?” he pleads.
Fuck, I hate being pressured to talk like this.
“I dated him back in California when I first moved in with dad. He treated me like shit, got me started on drugs and when we broke up – that’s when I started cutting, I didn’t take things so well.”
Max takes my hand. “Liz, I’m so sorry. What a scumbag.”
I look up at him as my lips start to quiver. I loved him. What does that make me?”
“A trusting, innocent…”
I can’t take this, I can’t talk about this anymore, so I lean forward and fuse our lips together. Before I know it we are back in the sand heavily making out.
Liz, my little whore. Why is he here? What if he finds me?
He cups me through my jeans and I push my hips towards him, trying to get lost in the feeling and forget.
I don’t love you Liz. I just like this.
He unzips my pants, slides them down my legs with my panties.
He coaxes my thighs apart and bends down, ready to taste me.
I feel like I’m going to be sick. I push Max off of me and jump up, pulling my pants up with me.
“Liz?”
I can feel the distance growing between us.
“Take me home, Max. Please take me home.”
Only one things went through my mind while he was touching me: I'm not worth enough to deserve this.
Thank you for all the wonderful feedback! Please keep it coming. I will post the next part either later tonight or sometime tomorrow.
LairaBehr4
Tamashii
FSU/MSW-94
roswell3053
behrluv32
hazz
clueless
ShatteredDreamer
confusedfool
Tessa1982
sprayadhesive
Part 22 – The past comes crawling back
When I get home from a movie date with Max, I enter through the crashdown which is closed and dark, so you can imagine my surprise when I see my dad sitting alone at one of the tables.
“Dad?” I ask. ‘What is going on?”
He looks up at me sadly. There are large circles under his eyes. “Liz,” he says, “you better sit down.”
I swallow the lump in my throat. God, I hope we aren’t moving again. After all, that was his answer the last time things got tough.
“What is it?” I ask.
“Nancy left,” he says matter of factly.
What on earth is he talking about? “Left for where?”
He takes my hand. “She left me, Liz.”
“Why?”
He doesn’t say anything.
“Because of me?” I croak but inside I really hope he doesn’t answer that.
He doesn’t answer my question directly but confirms my suspicions in a roundabout way.
“I should never have married someone who couldn’t accept I had a child. I’m so sorry Liz,” he starts to sob.
I should feel happy right now, happy that the wicked witch of the west is gone, but for some reason I don’t at all. I just hold my father. After all that has happened, why would she decide to leave us now?
****************
The weeks pass and I’m able told it together. I haven’t cut. I haven’t taken drugs. Max and I have made love a few times. The making love part is ok, actually more like out of this world. It’s when he holds me after that I hold back tears and I relive the most horrible moment of my life.
What I forgot to tell you is that Sean broke up with me when we were laying in bed after sex.
I think this is all I like about you. The sex. I don’t actually like you at all. So I’m ending it. To be fair.
Can you imagine, telling someone all they ever were too you is a whore and thinking that statement is fair? Thinking it won’t dissolve their world? Won’t make them want to cut?
I was never good enough for his producer friends. He always hid me from them. I wasn’t good enough for him, other than to fuck me.
So ya, when I came home in tears that day after I had been fucked and then dumped, there was no one to comfort me, just a dark lonely house. And when the next day, I told dad we had broken up, he said it was probably for the best, had kissed my head and then proceeded to take Nancy away for the weekend. I was left alone, again.
It was then that I started cutting.
But as Dr. Yarrow has stated, it wasn’t Sean that gave me BPD. Ha ha, when I say it in its acronym form is sounds like a sexually transmitted disease.
“Why do you think you stayed with him after he treated you that way?” Dr. Yarrow asks. I hate it when she asks a question she already knows the answer to.
“I didn’t want to be abandoned.” We all know how deep my abandonment issues lie.
“Why were you so dependent on him in the first place?”
I glare at her. “We both know why.” To make up for a physically absent dad, an emotionally absent mother, a bitch of a step mother for whom I always played second fiddle.
“How do you feel, now that your dad has been making some changes?”
“Good.” It has been nice to have a real dad around.
“And what about Nancy being gone? He has obviously stood up for you.”
The thing is that I don’t know for sure what happened. I don’t know that he stood up for me at all. And even if he did….“That it may be too late?” I tell Dr. Yarrow. Those are the first words that pop out of my mouth.
“Is it really?” she asks.
“No.” I don’t know where that came from but I do know that I mean it. I can’t hold onto this blame forever or I will never get better.
It’s time for me to learn to move on.
***************
The formal is coming up in a few days. Maria and I went shopping for these gorgeous dresses earlier today. Mine is red with a slit up one side. Hers is a white princess dress. We will be going out to dinner with the guys at Chez Nam and then taking a limo to the formal.
The crappy part is that Maria won’t be able to spend the night with Michael. Her mother is worried about her losing her virginity at the formal, little does she know she lost it a while ago, and is making her come home by 11 pm. Easy going Michael is fine with it, they can always have sex in the afternoon, but Maria is not one to break tradition and is pretty disappointed about the whole thing.
So Max and I agreed we’d make it an early night with them. A chance for the four of us to hang out as friends.
While Max and I are hanging out at the park, he comes up with another fun idea.
“School will be over in a month. Why don’t the four of us take a road trip?”
My eyes light up. “I’ve never taken a road trip before. Well, ok, I guess my life of continual moving could be considered a very long road trip. But this would be different, an angst filled vacation with good friends.
“Where would we go?” I ask him.
“Well, we could head through Arizona and then by Camp Bernadine, relive some old memories?” he suggests. “Then onto California.”
California is where Sean is. Bad memories for me.
“I’d rather go east,” I suggest.
“Great. I’ll go anywhere, as long as it’s with you.”
Michael and Maria are both working at the Crashdown right now so we decide to head over and run the idea by them, see if they’d be game to go. Then we’ll have to run the whole thing by the parental units. That should be interesting.
When we get there, Max says he has to talk to Michael in private about a surprise for the formal, so he heads to the kitchen. I take a seat at the booth and say ‘Hi’ to Maria who is behind the counter.
Her eyes are as wide as saucers when she sees me. “Liz, some guy was in here today, asking about you.”
That gets my interest for sure. “Really. Who?” I mean it’s not like I’m Miss. popular or anything. Maybe I have a secret admirer?
“Said his name was Sean,” she responds.
My heart stops. The room starts to spin. This can’t be happening. It can’t be that Sean.
I grab her shoulders. “What did he look like?” My heart starts beating fast.
She thinks about it for a minute. “Like he was in his 20’s, dark hair, leather jacket.”
He always wears that damn leather jacket. Damn. “Did my dad see him?”
“No. Should I have said something?” She looks worried.
A look of panic crosses my face. “No, do not tell me dad.”
“Michael came out and had words with him. Not sure what was said. Who is he?”
“I can’t talk about this now.”
I head straight for Michael. I need to know what was said. When I barge into the kitchen I interrupt him and Max. “What did he want?” I blurt out.
Michael whips around and knows exactly what I was talking about. “He said he needed to talk to you.”
“About what?” I ask.
“Who wants to talk to you?” Max asks.
“Sean!” Michael and I yell in unison.
“Your ex boyfriend, Sean?” He knows the name but not much about what happened.
I nod and look to Michael again. “About what?” Why on earth is Sean here and why now?
“He wouldn’t say but I told him to get lost.”
Tears form in the corners of my eyes. “Why now, Michael?”
“I don’t know.”
I start to tremble. I start to cry. He can’t come back now. I’m not sure I’m strong enough to handle this.
Max envelopes me in his arms and kisses the top of my head. “Everything is going to be ok.”
I pull away from him. It just, I don’t like way being held by someone makes me feel right now.
I look at Michael. “My dad can’t know.”
“Maybe, you should…”
“No.”
I head out of the crash, Max hot on my heels. “Liz?” he asks, running after me.
I jump in the passenger side of his jeep. “Let’s go somewhere, anywhere but here.”
And he complies.
The road trip is long forgotten.
***********
We end up at the dessert sitting down on the soft hot sand in silence.
“Do you know how it feels to be left out like this?” he asks. “It’s like you and Michael have your own language that I can’t understand.”
“Max, he just knows about Sean.” I’m too stressed for this right now.
“Do I get to know?” he pleads.
Fuck, I hate being pressured to talk like this.
“I dated him back in California when I first moved in with dad. He treated me like shit, got me started on drugs and when we broke up – that’s when I started cutting, I didn’t take things so well.”
Max takes my hand. “Liz, I’m so sorry. What a scumbag.”
I look up at him as my lips start to quiver. I loved him. What does that make me?”
“A trusting, innocent…”
I can’t take this, I can’t talk about this anymore, so I lean forward and fuse our lips together. Before I know it we are back in the sand heavily making out.
Liz, my little whore. Why is he here? What if he finds me?
He cups me through my jeans and I push my hips towards him, trying to get lost in the feeling and forget.
I don’t love you Liz. I just like this.
He unzips my pants, slides them down my legs with my panties.
He coaxes my thighs apart and bends down, ready to taste me.
I feel like I’m going to be sick. I push Max off of me and jump up, pulling my pants up with me.
“Liz?”
I can feel the distance growing between us.
“Take me home, Max. Please take me home.”
Only one things went through my mind while he was touching me: I'm not worth enough to deserve this.
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maya
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clueless
FSU/MSW-94
roswell3053
Natalie36
sprayadhesive
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behrluv32
pookie76
Michelle in Yonkers
ultimatepickupline
I will be back tomorrow!
Part 23 - Dancing with a stranger
It’s been a week since that night in the dessert but things are ok. No one has seen Sean and even though I know it probably isn’t true, since he has never been one to take no for an answer, I keep telling myself that he has left town.
I still haven’t told Max much more but really I am improving. Even though things have been tough, I haven’t cut or done drugs or drank. Dad and I are still getting closer. We even went to the movies together last night.
“So tomorrow night, the big semi formal. Are you excited?” Dad asks while I help him close up the crashdown.
I nod my head. It will be nice to get out and have some fun with Michael, Max and Maria.
“How are things going with Max?” dad asks as he hands me a tray of empty sugar containers to refill.
“Good,” I reply, not knowing where he is going with this.
“I’m just wondering if you will be trying to stay out late somewhere…” he trails off and I realize he’s talking about sex.
“Dad, Maria’s mom wants her home by 11, she’s like super strict so we are all gonna call it a night at that time.”
“Great!” Dad looks relieved.” I just don’t think it’s a good idea to take that step yet Lizzie, you’re doing so well and I…”
“Right,” I hang my head in shame. I wish I had known I wasn’t ready before we slept together.
The phone rings. Dad answers it and then hangs up a few seconds later, clearly annoyed. “Heavy Breather. We’ve been getting a lot of those lately.”
It’s him isn’t it? Calling, hoping I’ll answer.
“When did they start?” I ask, hoping I don’t appear to interested. Scratch that, too afraid.
“About a week ago.”
There is no doubt in my mind that it’s Sean. But I don’t plan on telling anyone.
*************
Maria and I are in my bedroom putting on the final touches of our makeup, the guys should be here any minute. She looks like a princess in her dress.
I feel very sentimental right now. A year ago I had no friends. Now I have three good ones.
I feel an unexplainable urge to give her a huge hug, so I do.
“What’s that for,” she asks surprised?
“I’m just glad that we’re friends,” I tell her with a shrug.
She smiles.
“About tonight, are you sure you’re ok with this 11 o’clock curfew thing because you and Max can…” she starts to ramble.
“No, Maria. I think we can all live without sex for one day.” She must really think I’m a nympho or something.
Maria grins guiltily.
“What?”
“Well not technically for one whole day. I was at Michael’s house earlier and we…”
I can only roll my eyes at her. “God, you are so bad.”
“If I’d known how good it was I would have done it long ago,” she laughs. “You’re right though. It will be nice for us all to hang out. You three are really the only ones that matter to me in that school.”
“You mean you won’t miss Tess or Pam over the summer?” I jest.
“About as much as you’ll miss Kyle Valenti,” she replies.
All I can do is scrunch up my nose. “Eww.”
“Exactly.”
A few minutes later the boys pick us up, looking dashing in their tuxes. Max pulls me aside and gives me a beautiful corsage and a small box. I open it to reveal a small silver heart locket.
“It’s beautiful.”
“Open it up.”
I do to reveal a picture of the two us, heads pressed together, smiles on our faces. “It’s perfect.”
“Just like you,” he says.
That’s a stretch, a real stretch, but I love him for it. I kiss him softly and our fingers intertwine.
“Ok,” dad says. “Let’s get a picture of you four.”
And I know the picture will be a beautiful one as we are all so happy, happier than we have been all year as we joke around and laugh together.
It’s too bad I don’t know that things are about crumble, that none of us will ever be this happy again because of me. But I bet you know that, don’t you? You are far wiser than me.
************
The theme of the formal is fairytales. The colors are red, silver and white but I have to admit when we enter the formal I am not impressed, the place looks like a dive. Well maybe it isn’t the place so much as the atmosphere; you know Kyle, Tommy, Tess and Pam, sort of dim the ambiance. The only parts they could ever play in a fairytale would be that of villans. But I don’t have to tell you that. You know exactly what they are like.
Tess and Kyle came together and are trying to act like the perfect couple. But I wouldn’t be surprised to find Tess diddling another football player in the bathroom, I give her one hour. “They deserve each other,” Max mutters. He certainly has that right.
The four of us stick closely together. Max and I dance, Maria and Michael dance and we occasionally switch partners.
Max and I finally remember to bring up the road trip idea and everyone is game for it. Apparently Maria’s been on lots of camping trips and suggested that we camp out as much as we can along the way. I agree immediately, I mean can you think of anything better than snuggling up with Max under the stars?
When Michael and I are dancing, he asks if I’ve heard any more from Sean and I tell him I haven’t, which is true, technically I haven’t.
“Are you worried?” he asks.
“Yes.” Worried doesn’t even begin to describe what I’ve been feeling.
“I think you should tell your dad.”
I shake my head. “He’d go ballistic.” Besides, we’ve made so much progress and I can’t help but think he’d think less of me somehow, like I’d lured Sean into town.
“What if he tries to hurt you?” he asks.
Just as I’m about to answer, Max pipes in. “I won’t let that happen.” He has a scowl on his face. We didn’t know he was standing there. “Can I have my dancing partner back?” he asks.
Max looks pissed. Michael isn’t sure how to react. He mumbles, “Sure,” and lets go of me, sauntering off to go find Maria.
Poor Michael. I put my hands on my hips and scold Max. “That was rude.”
“It’s my job to worry about you Liz!” And not Michaels? Is that his point here?
I’m getting tired of this jealousy routine. “He was just being a friend.”
“I know, I know, I just...I’ve been worried.” He pulls me so close, like he’s afraid if he lets go he’ll lose me forever.
“Max?”
“Do you know what it was like when I saw you that day? I knew it was you before anyone told me your name.”
“Max,” I say with a laugh. “There is no way you could tell that I was that nine year old girl.”
“Believe me. I knew the minute I saw you that it was you. I also knew that we’d be together.”
“Oh god.” I feel mortified. “I was soo rude to you in the crash down that day. When you asked me to study with you I said, ‘I work better alone.’ And then after you saved me at that party. I blew you off.” Man, listing off all of the things I’ve done to Max is just sickening.
“Liz,” he lifts my chin up to look at me. “It’s ok.” See he can tell me that a million times but I’m not sure it will ever be ok, at least not with me.
“Then what is it Max?” I am really getting the vibe that something is bothering him.
“Lately, when we’ve been making love, it’s like you’re not really there,” he whispers.
So he has noticed. “I’ve just been tired.”
“Liz, if you want to ease up on the sex or even stop it all together, you know I’m ok with that, right?”
“Yes,” I reply as I sink my head into his shoulders so he can’t see my face.
“So you want to stop for a while then?” he asks.
“Yes, I mean, no. I mean, Max can we just enjoy the dance?”
The tension between us grows.
“Are you ever going to tell me what’s wrong?”
“You’re making something out of nothing,” I cry. Why can’t he just let things be?
*************
Max and Michael have gone to get some punch for Maria and I, when I see Kyle heading in my direction. “Great, just great,” I say to Maria.
“Wanna dance?” he asks my slyly.
“I’d rather puke,” I say turning away.
Rather than taking a hint, he moves towards me quickly and before I know it he’s pulled me into a dance.
I do what I did not that long ago. Yup, you got it. I knee him in the balls as hard as I can. He doubles over in pain. “God, didn’t you learn anything the first time?” I ask.
Maria chuckles. “He so had it coming. I do feel sorry for him though, having to come here with Tess.”
I don’t feel sorry for Kyle at all. He’s a coward of the worst kind.
“I’m heading for the ladies room. You want to come? Maybe we’ll catch Tess with someone,” she teases.
“No, you go ahead. I’ll wait for the guys to come back with our drinks.”
I start to head off of the dance floor when I feel arms wrap around me, and once again am pulled into a dance. “Kyle, can’t you…” I start to protest but when I look up I see that it isn’t Kyle’s arms I’m in, it’s Seans.
I’m frozen in time for a minute. I should knee him in the balls but for some reason I can’t. I can however, muster up a few harsh words. “Get away, I swear or I’ll start a scene.” I try to pry his hands loose from my waist, but they don’t budge.
“You look beautiful.” He runs his hand down my cheek, the way he used to, when we were first together. He holds me the way he used to when we were dancing together after one of his shows.
“Get the fuck away from me!” I raise my voice and he steps back.
I know I should call out for Max. But I can’t. I don’t want Sean here, but part of me….
“Liz, I just want to talk to you,” he pleads.
“Like Hell.” I’m not talking to him. I can’t talk to him. But why is he here?
He looks so different, I can’t help but stare. His hair is longer. His eyes seem bluer. He’s still as gorgeous as ever. But I can’t fall under his spell. I won’t.
He won’t take no for an answer. “If you don’t talk to me, I won’t leave you alone,” he warns.
Does he want me back? Does he want to ruin me again? Why else would he be here?
I look towards the punch bowl. Max and Michael are busy talking, not looking in my direction. I don’t want them to see him. “Ok, but not know.” I have to get rid of him.
“When?” he asks.
“12 o’clock,” I lie. I’ll figure out something between now and then.
“I’m staying at the pine tree motel. You know it?” he asks.
I nod as I push him towards the exit.
“And if you’re not there Liz, I’ll come back tomorrow.”
“Ok!” I start to panic. “ Just go.”
“Liz, Liz,” I hear Maria yelling after me as Sean disappears. Shit! Did she see him?
“Who were you with? It was Sean wasn’t it?”
Crap. I guess she did.
I put my arms on her shoulders and look her straight in the eye. “Maria, you can’t say anything.”
“Liz, if he’s harassing you then….”
“No, Maria. We talked and I got him to leave, for good. Everything is fine.”
“He’s not coming back?” she asks.
“No.”
“Are you sure?” she asks, again.
“Positive.” But somehow I know that I will go to him.
We walk back towards where the boys are and dance a few more dances. It takes every ounce of strength I have to make myself look like I’m having a good time, when my mind is really wondering about is Sean.
When it gets close to 11 o’clock we head for home. We drop Maria and Michael off first and then Max walks me to my door.
“Did you have a good time?” he asks me.
I nod. My stomach is in knots over seeing Sean. What does he want?
“I’m sorry I pushed you so much earlier. It’s just that sometimes I don’t feel I’m giving you what you need in the relationship, I want to but I can’t when you don’t tell me how you’re feeling.”
I need to get rid of Max. Cause the more I think of it, there is no way for me to get out of meeting Sean. He’ll just keep coming back.
“I know Max. I’m not good at expressing myself. Well not in positive ways anyway.”
“But, you’re working on it?”
“Yes, I’m working on it.” At least that’s what I’ll say if it will get him to leave.
He bends down and kisses me. He deepens the kiss right away, licking my lower lip begging for entrance which is gladly give.
He tastes so sweet, he feels so warm and for a minute I’m transported. But there is something in the back of my head. Yes that’s right, Sean. I’ll just meet him and get rid of him once and for all. Then tomorrow I can be back to this.
The kiss ends. He pushes a strand of hair behind my ears and looks at me. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I head inside and say goodnight to my father who has been waiting up.
I go to my room and sit on my bed watching the clock. When it hits 11:45 I slip out the window towards my bike.
I don’t know why I’m doing this. I really don’t. I know I should ask for help but I can’t.
Sean is the dirty little secret that I can’t share.
I don’t want to see him. I need him.
I hate him. I love him.
Why did he come back?
I’m his little whore.
FSU/MSW-94
roswell3053
Natalie36
sprayadhesive
LairaBehr4
behrluv32
pookie76
Michelle in Yonkers
ultimatepickupline
I will be back tomorrow!
Part 23 - Dancing with a stranger
It’s been a week since that night in the dessert but things are ok. No one has seen Sean and even though I know it probably isn’t true, since he has never been one to take no for an answer, I keep telling myself that he has left town.
I still haven’t told Max much more but really I am improving. Even though things have been tough, I haven’t cut or done drugs or drank. Dad and I are still getting closer. We even went to the movies together last night.
“So tomorrow night, the big semi formal. Are you excited?” Dad asks while I help him close up the crashdown.
I nod my head. It will be nice to get out and have some fun with Michael, Max and Maria.
“How are things going with Max?” dad asks as he hands me a tray of empty sugar containers to refill.
“Good,” I reply, not knowing where he is going with this.
“I’m just wondering if you will be trying to stay out late somewhere…” he trails off and I realize he’s talking about sex.
“Dad, Maria’s mom wants her home by 11, she’s like super strict so we are all gonna call it a night at that time.”
“Great!” Dad looks relieved.” I just don’t think it’s a good idea to take that step yet Lizzie, you’re doing so well and I…”
“Right,” I hang my head in shame. I wish I had known I wasn’t ready before we slept together.
The phone rings. Dad answers it and then hangs up a few seconds later, clearly annoyed. “Heavy Breather. We’ve been getting a lot of those lately.”
It’s him isn’t it? Calling, hoping I’ll answer.
“When did they start?” I ask, hoping I don’t appear to interested. Scratch that, too afraid.
“About a week ago.”
There is no doubt in my mind that it’s Sean. But I don’t plan on telling anyone.
*************
Maria and I are in my bedroom putting on the final touches of our makeup, the guys should be here any minute. She looks like a princess in her dress.
I feel very sentimental right now. A year ago I had no friends. Now I have three good ones.
I feel an unexplainable urge to give her a huge hug, so I do.
“What’s that for,” she asks surprised?
“I’m just glad that we’re friends,” I tell her with a shrug.
She smiles.
“About tonight, are you sure you’re ok with this 11 o’clock curfew thing because you and Max can…” she starts to ramble.
“No, Maria. I think we can all live without sex for one day.” She must really think I’m a nympho or something.
Maria grins guiltily.
“What?”
“Well not technically for one whole day. I was at Michael’s house earlier and we…”
I can only roll my eyes at her. “God, you are so bad.”
“If I’d known how good it was I would have done it long ago,” she laughs. “You’re right though. It will be nice for us all to hang out. You three are really the only ones that matter to me in that school.”
“You mean you won’t miss Tess or Pam over the summer?” I jest.
“About as much as you’ll miss Kyle Valenti,” she replies.
All I can do is scrunch up my nose. “Eww.”
“Exactly.”
A few minutes later the boys pick us up, looking dashing in their tuxes. Max pulls me aside and gives me a beautiful corsage and a small box. I open it to reveal a small silver heart locket.
“It’s beautiful.”
“Open it up.”
I do to reveal a picture of the two us, heads pressed together, smiles on our faces. “It’s perfect.”
“Just like you,” he says.
That’s a stretch, a real stretch, but I love him for it. I kiss him softly and our fingers intertwine.
“Ok,” dad says. “Let’s get a picture of you four.”
And I know the picture will be a beautiful one as we are all so happy, happier than we have been all year as we joke around and laugh together.
It’s too bad I don’t know that things are about crumble, that none of us will ever be this happy again because of me. But I bet you know that, don’t you? You are far wiser than me.
************
The theme of the formal is fairytales. The colors are red, silver and white but I have to admit when we enter the formal I am not impressed, the place looks like a dive. Well maybe it isn’t the place so much as the atmosphere; you know Kyle, Tommy, Tess and Pam, sort of dim the ambiance. The only parts they could ever play in a fairytale would be that of villans. But I don’t have to tell you that. You know exactly what they are like.
Tess and Kyle came together and are trying to act like the perfect couple. But I wouldn’t be surprised to find Tess diddling another football player in the bathroom, I give her one hour. “They deserve each other,” Max mutters. He certainly has that right.
The four of us stick closely together. Max and I dance, Maria and Michael dance and we occasionally switch partners.
Max and I finally remember to bring up the road trip idea and everyone is game for it. Apparently Maria’s been on lots of camping trips and suggested that we camp out as much as we can along the way. I agree immediately, I mean can you think of anything better than snuggling up with Max under the stars?
When Michael and I are dancing, he asks if I’ve heard any more from Sean and I tell him I haven’t, which is true, technically I haven’t.
“Are you worried?” he asks.
“Yes.” Worried doesn’t even begin to describe what I’ve been feeling.
“I think you should tell your dad.”
I shake my head. “He’d go ballistic.” Besides, we’ve made so much progress and I can’t help but think he’d think less of me somehow, like I’d lured Sean into town.
“What if he tries to hurt you?” he asks.
Just as I’m about to answer, Max pipes in. “I won’t let that happen.” He has a scowl on his face. We didn’t know he was standing there. “Can I have my dancing partner back?” he asks.
Max looks pissed. Michael isn’t sure how to react. He mumbles, “Sure,” and lets go of me, sauntering off to go find Maria.
Poor Michael. I put my hands on my hips and scold Max. “That was rude.”
“It’s my job to worry about you Liz!” And not Michaels? Is that his point here?
I’m getting tired of this jealousy routine. “He was just being a friend.”
“I know, I know, I just...I’ve been worried.” He pulls me so close, like he’s afraid if he lets go he’ll lose me forever.
“Max?”
“Do you know what it was like when I saw you that day? I knew it was you before anyone told me your name.”
“Max,” I say with a laugh. “There is no way you could tell that I was that nine year old girl.”
“Believe me. I knew the minute I saw you that it was you. I also knew that we’d be together.”
“Oh god.” I feel mortified. “I was soo rude to you in the crash down that day. When you asked me to study with you I said, ‘I work better alone.’ And then after you saved me at that party. I blew you off.” Man, listing off all of the things I’ve done to Max is just sickening.
“Liz,” he lifts my chin up to look at me. “It’s ok.” See he can tell me that a million times but I’m not sure it will ever be ok, at least not with me.
“Then what is it Max?” I am really getting the vibe that something is bothering him.
“Lately, when we’ve been making love, it’s like you’re not really there,” he whispers.
So he has noticed. “I’ve just been tired.”
“Liz, if you want to ease up on the sex or even stop it all together, you know I’m ok with that, right?”
“Yes,” I reply as I sink my head into his shoulders so he can’t see my face.
“So you want to stop for a while then?” he asks.
“Yes, I mean, no. I mean, Max can we just enjoy the dance?”
The tension between us grows.
“Are you ever going to tell me what’s wrong?”
“You’re making something out of nothing,” I cry. Why can’t he just let things be?
*************
Max and Michael have gone to get some punch for Maria and I, when I see Kyle heading in my direction. “Great, just great,” I say to Maria.
“Wanna dance?” he asks my slyly.
“I’d rather puke,” I say turning away.
Rather than taking a hint, he moves towards me quickly and before I know it he’s pulled me into a dance.
I do what I did not that long ago. Yup, you got it. I knee him in the balls as hard as I can. He doubles over in pain. “God, didn’t you learn anything the first time?” I ask.
Maria chuckles. “He so had it coming. I do feel sorry for him though, having to come here with Tess.”
I don’t feel sorry for Kyle at all. He’s a coward of the worst kind.
“I’m heading for the ladies room. You want to come? Maybe we’ll catch Tess with someone,” she teases.
“No, you go ahead. I’ll wait for the guys to come back with our drinks.”
I start to head off of the dance floor when I feel arms wrap around me, and once again am pulled into a dance. “Kyle, can’t you…” I start to protest but when I look up I see that it isn’t Kyle’s arms I’m in, it’s Seans.
I’m frozen in time for a minute. I should knee him in the balls but for some reason I can’t. I can however, muster up a few harsh words. “Get away, I swear or I’ll start a scene.” I try to pry his hands loose from my waist, but they don’t budge.
“You look beautiful.” He runs his hand down my cheek, the way he used to, when we were first together. He holds me the way he used to when we were dancing together after one of his shows.
“Get the fuck away from me!” I raise my voice and he steps back.
I know I should call out for Max. But I can’t. I don’t want Sean here, but part of me….
“Liz, I just want to talk to you,” he pleads.
“Like Hell.” I’m not talking to him. I can’t talk to him. But why is he here?
He looks so different, I can’t help but stare. His hair is longer. His eyes seem bluer. He’s still as gorgeous as ever. But I can’t fall under his spell. I won’t.
He won’t take no for an answer. “If you don’t talk to me, I won’t leave you alone,” he warns.
Does he want me back? Does he want to ruin me again? Why else would he be here?
I look towards the punch bowl. Max and Michael are busy talking, not looking in my direction. I don’t want them to see him. “Ok, but not know.” I have to get rid of him.
“When?” he asks.
“12 o’clock,” I lie. I’ll figure out something between now and then.
“I’m staying at the pine tree motel. You know it?” he asks.
I nod as I push him towards the exit.
“And if you’re not there Liz, I’ll come back tomorrow.”
“Ok!” I start to panic. “ Just go.”
“Liz, Liz,” I hear Maria yelling after me as Sean disappears. Shit! Did she see him?
“Who were you with? It was Sean wasn’t it?”
Crap. I guess she did.
I put my arms on her shoulders and look her straight in the eye. “Maria, you can’t say anything.”
“Liz, if he’s harassing you then….”
“No, Maria. We talked and I got him to leave, for good. Everything is fine.”
“He’s not coming back?” she asks.
“No.”
“Are you sure?” she asks, again.
“Positive.” But somehow I know that I will go to him.
We walk back towards where the boys are and dance a few more dances. It takes every ounce of strength I have to make myself look like I’m having a good time, when my mind is really wondering about is Sean.
When it gets close to 11 o’clock we head for home. We drop Maria and Michael off first and then Max walks me to my door.
“Did you have a good time?” he asks me.
I nod. My stomach is in knots over seeing Sean. What does he want?
“I’m sorry I pushed you so much earlier. It’s just that sometimes I don’t feel I’m giving you what you need in the relationship, I want to but I can’t when you don’t tell me how you’re feeling.”
I need to get rid of Max. Cause the more I think of it, there is no way for me to get out of meeting Sean. He’ll just keep coming back.
“I know Max. I’m not good at expressing myself. Well not in positive ways anyway.”
“But, you’re working on it?”
“Yes, I’m working on it.” At least that’s what I’ll say if it will get him to leave.
He bends down and kisses me. He deepens the kiss right away, licking my lower lip begging for entrance which is gladly give.
He tastes so sweet, he feels so warm and for a minute I’m transported. But there is something in the back of my head. Yes that’s right, Sean. I’ll just meet him and get rid of him once and for all. Then tomorrow I can be back to this.
The kiss ends. He pushes a strand of hair behind my ears and looks at me. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I head inside and say goodnight to my father who has been waiting up.
I go to my room and sit on my bed watching the clock. When it hits 11:45 I slip out the window towards my bike.
I don’t know why I’m doing this. I really don’t. I know I should ask for help but I can’t.
Sean is the dirty little secret that I can’t share.
I don’t want to see him. I need him.
I hate him. I love him.
Why did he come back?
I’m his little whore.
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maya
- Addicted Roswellian
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- Joined: Sat Aug 20, 2005 2:44 pm
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OK, so I know that some of you will throw rotten tomatoes at me and who knows what else. This is not what you were expecting at all but I assure you it was essential to my story.
WARNING: If you cannot handle Liz being intimate with someone else do not read this part. However, if you don't read it you will end up being lost. This fic deals with a lot of issues and as a result is not always pretty.
As I said before this is a M/L fic. THis incident is over as quickly as it began. I promise dreamer assurance.
So with that said, my husband and I have been married 8 years today and we are going out to celebrate!
I hope you enjoy it!
LairaBehr4
FSU/MSW-94
roswell3053
ShatteredDreamer
POM
Emz80m
pookie76
sprayadhesive
Part 24 – Nothing has changed at the pine tree hotel
I’m shaking as I get off my bike and make my way to the pine tree hotel. Maybe this is for the best, I mean the opportunity to face him, to get rid of this sickness, may be just what I need to continue to get better. What Max and I need.
I take a deep breath and knock on the door. He answers, in just jeans, no shirt. Old mages of me lying against that chest, flicker in the back of my mind and I know he’s doing this on purpose.
“Hey,” he says. He winks at me and I curse under my breath.
“Hi.” I’m keeping myself as guarded as I can as I walk into his room and he shuts the door behind us.
I plan to keep myself focused. I’m here to find out what he wants and leave, nothing else.
But what you don’t understand is that Sean, he was like a drug to me. When things went to shit so to speak, we became like a roller coaster ride. Some days he loved me to pieces, was romantic, would tell me “good job,” or “you’re sexy.” Then the next he was cold and calculated. “I’m embarrassed to be seen with you,” he said once or “you’re my little whore.”
I was up one minute, down the next, obsessed with when I’d get my next compliment, my next smile, my next fix. I knew he liked me hair in a ponytail with wisps on each side, so I’d wear it like that. I knew he liked sassy girls so I did my best with quick comebacks. And when I succeeded, oh to be loved with him, was just so sweet.
So when he smiles at me now, you can understand, part of me is so sick and afraid of him I could wretch, the other part of me wonders about how it would feel, to be loved by him again. Part of me wonders, why wasn’t I enough?
My little whore. There it is again. That isn’t what he says but it is what I hear.
“What do you want?” I spit, trying desperately to hide my fear, but my legs are shaky and I see him eye them quickly before once again looking at me.
He shifts slightly and it’s the first time I think I’ve ever seen him look uncomfortable. “It’s one of the steps. Make amends.”
One of the steps? For some goddamn drug program I can only assume.
“I’ve changed Liz. I’m getting married. The band’s got a new record deal.”
He’s getting married. I’ve known that for a while.
He doesn’t want me back. It’s not like I would have gone back with him. I have Max, I love Max, but it just would have been nice you know, to see him admit his mistake. Every girl wants to hear the boy that spurned her admit his mistake.
What’s so great about her, anyway?
“I don’t care. Why are you telling me all of this?” I yell.
“I told you. I want to say I’m sorry. I want you to forgive me.”
There was a time in the beginning with him when things were almost perfect. We’d spend hours just lying together, him telling me how much he loved me. He even wrote a song for me, dedicated it to me on stage and everything. Everything was perfect when he loved me. But he didn’t really love me.
He said he loves me but he doesn’t.
He’s a sick bastard but there’s something about him that draws me in all the same.
“Just answer this. Did you love me?” I just had to ask. I just have to know.
He shifts, then looks at me. “No, Liz. I’m sorry. I thought I did, but it was just lust…that’s all.” He says it like it won’t hurt me, just like that day we broke up.
The tears begin to fall. He reaches his hand to my face but I brush it away before contact is made.
“I’m sorry, please,” he yells in frustration. It’s only cause he can’t control me. He has to control everything.
I turn to look at him. “For what?”
He looks perplexed. “Not loving you. Dumping you.”
Is that all he has? Because I could give him a very long list. “What about the abuse?” I scream.
“Abuse? What the fuck are you talking about, Liz?”
“Calling me a whore, among other things. Forcing me to fuck you. Denying my existence in front of your friends. Getting me hooked on that stuff.”
“Oh come on Liz, don’t you think you’re exaggerating just a tad?”
Exaggerating? Were we in the same relationship?
“Liz, please, I need your forgiveness.” Is he begging me know? When did he become so pathetic?
Not only does he not give a damn about me, he doesn’t even see what he did to me. All I ever wanted was for him to see me but he doesn’t, not even a fraction. He’s not really here to say he’s sorry, he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. He just wants my forgiveness. This visit is all about him. Did I really expect different?
“If you ever contact me again, I’ll have you arrested,” I say as I walk towards the door.
“But Liz, I need your…”
I cut him off, “Why the fuck do you need it?” I scream. “You hurt me, abused me. I started cutting because of you!”
He looks at me in disbelief. “You…”
“And don’t pretend it’s because you care. We both know you don’t. There’s something else you’re not telling me, so spit it out. Now!” I yell.
“Well,” he looks at me nervously. “You see, Megan and I, we’re in the process of a home study to adopt a Chinese baby.”
My eyes widen. He’s going to be a father? No, no, no. Something is very wrong here. He shouldn’t be allowed within two feet of any child.
“I told you Liz, I’ve changed.”
“What do you want with me?”
“They will be interviewing some people from my past. There are some rumors going around and I thought that once you forgave me you wouldn’t say anything.”
So much for making amends. He’s using me again.
“ I just want…” he continues.
I can see him for what he is, a pathetic loser, with the level of awareness of a cockroach and I feel empowered. “We all want lots of things we don’t get Sean. Live with it. And screw your steps!”
I walk over to the door, open it and am about to walk out when pulls me back in and stands in front of it, blocking my exit. And he says he’s changed?
“Just what exactly will you say?” he asks, angrily.
“The truth.”
“Which is?”
“Better take a hard look in the mirror and examine yourself.” If he thinks I’m gonna tell him, what he obviously can’t see, he’s more out to lunch than I ever thought. I’m not doing one damn thing to make his life easier.
“Let me leave.” My voice is full or warning.
He glares at me. “You little bitch!” he yells and brings his hand up to my neck.
“You can’t hurt me and get away with it. My friends know I’m here,” I lie. “And I’m sure the adoption agency loves dealing with convicted felons.”
He drops his arm.
I open the door and step outside.
I turn around.“Don’t you ever contact me again and don’t ever plan on getting on a plane to China, not in this lifetime!”
He punches his fist into the front of the door as I scurry off.
I maintain my composure long enough to get on my bike and pedal shakily in to town. I did it, I did it, I broke the spell but when I find myself crawling through Michael’s bedroom window, it all goes to hell.
************
When I crawl through his window I find him asleep, but when he hears me he sits up in bed
“Why did he do this to me? Why did I love him?” I sob.
“It was Sean, wasn’t it?” Michael asks me as I rock back in forth in the corner of his room.
I nod.
“What did he want?” he asks.
“He’s adopting a Chinese baby.”
“What?” Michael is unable to make sense of what I’ve said.
“I know, don’t even try to make sense of it, but Michael but it was horrible. I mean he doesn’t even see the way he treated me.”
“He’s too much of an asshole to.”
“But I needed him too.” I wanted him to say, that Liz Parker was something special, and I treated her like shit and I’m sorry. “And to be full of regret about it. Does that make me a total loser?”
He gets up out of bed in only boxers and walks towards me, wiping the sleep out of his eyes.
“No Liz, it makes you human.”
I stood up to him. I gained something tonight. So why do I feel even more used and pathetic than I ever have before.
“Do you need to talk some more?” Michael asks.
I shake my head and wipe the tears from my eyes.
“Do you want me to call Max?”
Again I shake my head.
‘What do you need then?”
“I can’t go home.” I look at him apprehensively. “Can I stay here?”
He nods and gets back in bed and moves over to leave the right side free for me. He knows the routine.
I ‘m still in my gown, and I unzip it and throw it on the chair, left in only my bra and panties. He turns away, “I won’t look.”
I get in and pull the covers up over us, lean back on the pillow and try to relax but I can’t.
“Michael,” I whimper, feeling more alone than I ever have in my life.
He puts his arm around me and I snuggle closer into a hug, but when his boxers and my panties meet, I encounter something I wasn’t expecting. His cock is rock hard.
I pull back to look at his face in the dark. “Michael?” He doesn’t look embarrassed, but he is very hard to read. He doesn’t say anything. I had no idea he had those feelings about me.
It happens so quickly. I slide my panties down my legs as he pulls his boxers down. Then I sit on top of him, sliding myself down over his dick in one fluid motion and ride it, rocking up and down as I sit on top of him.
A few minutes later he spills his seed inside of me and I roll off and lay back beside him. Neither of us says a word.
The phone rings. He answers it. “She’s not here Mr. Parker….ya, I will ok, Bye.”
“You’re dad knows you’re not home. Max and Maria are both there, Maria fessed up about Sean being at the dance, and everyone is worried.” There is a look on his face now that I can’t still read. Is it anger, regret, guilt?
“You better go home,” he says.
“Michael?” I ask as I gather up my things.
We don’t talk about what happened.
“Go home, Liz.”
**************
When I arrive at home, Max throws him arms around me. “Where have you been?” he asks.
I see Maria and my dad standing together looking very afraid. “I was with Sean.”
“I can’t believe that loser had the nerve to show up here. I’m calling the police,” my father runs for the phone at the back of the restaurant.
I run after him and push down the receiver when he picks up the phone. “Dad, it’s over, he isn’t coming back.” And I realize it is true. That part of my life is over and now that I have finally faced my demon it’s time for me to really change.
“Did he hurt you?” Max asks. ‘Why did you go alone Liz?”
“I had to face him Max. Not dad or you or even Michael. I had to face him and I did.”
“I was so worried,” he pulls me against him tightly. I can feel his heart beating a mile a minute, feel his fear.
Change. I can get my life back together. Now I know for sure that I can.
I look up at Max as he continues to hold me tight. But this part, after what I did with Michael, will never be the same.
WARNING: If you cannot handle Liz being intimate with someone else do not read this part. However, if you don't read it you will end up being lost. This fic deals with a lot of issues and as a result is not always pretty.
As I said before this is a M/L fic. THis incident is over as quickly as it began. I promise dreamer assurance.
So with that said, my husband and I have been married 8 years today and we are going out to celebrate!
I hope you enjoy it!
LairaBehr4
FSU/MSW-94
roswell3053
ShatteredDreamer
POM
Emz80m
pookie76
sprayadhesive
Part 24 – Nothing has changed at the pine tree hotel
I’m shaking as I get off my bike and make my way to the pine tree hotel. Maybe this is for the best, I mean the opportunity to face him, to get rid of this sickness, may be just what I need to continue to get better. What Max and I need.
I take a deep breath and knock on the door. He answers, in just jeans, no shirt. Old mages of me lying against that chest, flicker in the back of my mind and I know he’s doing this on purpose.
“Hey,” he says. He winks at me and I curse under my breath.
“Hi.” I’m keeping myself as guarded as I can as I walk into his room and he shuts the door behind us.
I plan to keep myself focused. I’m here to find out what he wants and leave, nothing else.
But what you don’t understand is that Sean, he was like a drug to me. When things went to shit so to speak, we became like a roller coaster ride. Some days he loved me to pieces, was romantic, would tell me “good job,” or “you’re sexy.” Then the next he was cold and calculated. “I’m embarrassed to be seen with you,” he said once or “you’re my little whore.”
I was up one minute, down the next, obsessed with when I’d get my next compliment, my next smile, my next fix. I knew he liked me hair in a ponytail with wisps on each side, so I’d wear it like that. I knew he liked sassy girls so I did my best with quick comebacks. And when I succeeded, oh to be loved with him, was just so sweet.
So when he smiles at me now, you can understand, part of me is so sick and afraid of him I could wretch, the other part of me wonders about how it would feel, to be loved by him again. Part of me wonders, why wasn’t I enough?
My little whore. There it is again. That isn’t what he says but it is what I hear.
“What do you want?” I spit, trying desperately to hide my fear, but my legs are shaky and I see him eye them quickly before once again looking at me.
He shifts slightly and it’s the first time I think I’ve ever seen him look uncomfortable. “It’s one of the steps. Make amends.”
One of the steps? For some goddamn drug program I can only assume.
“I’ve changed Liz. I’m getting married. The band’s got a new record deal.”
He’s getting married. I’ve known that for a while.
He doesn’t want me back. It’s not like I would have gone back with him. I have Max, I love Max, but it just would have been nice you know, to see him admit his mistake. Every girl wants to hear the boy that spurned her admit his mistake.
What’s so great about her, anyway?
“I don’t care. Why are you telling me all of this?” I yell.
“I told you. I want to say I’m sorry. I want you to forgive me.”
There was a time in the beginning with him when things were almost perfect. We’d spend hours just lying together, him telling me how much he loved me. He even wrote a song for me, dedicated it to me on stage and everything. Everything was perfect when he loved me. But he didn’t really love me.
He said he loves me but he doesn’t.
He’s a sick bastard but there’s something about him that draws me in all the same.
“Just answer this. Did you love me?” I just had to ask. I just have to know.
He shifts, then looks at me. “No, Liz. I’m sorry. I thought I did, but it was just lust…that’s all.” He says it like it won’t hurt me, just like that day we broke up.
The tears begin to fall. He reaches his hand to my face but I brush it away before contact is made.
“I’m sorry, please,” he yells in frustration. It’s only cause he can’t control me. He has to control everything.
I turn to look at him. “For what?”
He looks perplexed. “Not loving you. Dumping you.”
Is that all he has? Because I could give him a very long list. “What about the abuse?” I scream.
“Abuse? What the fuck are you talking about, Liz?”
“Calling me a whore, among other things. Forcing me to fuck you. Denying my existence in front of your friends. Getting me hooked on that stuff.”
“Oh come on Liz, don’t you think you’re exaggerating just a tad?”
Exaggerating? Were we in the same relationship?
“Liz, please, I need your forgiveness.” Is he begging me know? When did he become so pathetic?
Not only does he not give a damn about me, he doesn’t even see what he did to me. All I ever wanted was for him to see me but he doesn’t, not even a fraction. He’s not really here to say he’s sorry, he doesn’t think he did anything wrong. He just wants my forgiveness. This visit is all about him. Did I really expect different?
“If you ever contact me again, I’ll have you arrested,” I say as I walk towards the door.
“But Liz, I need your…”
I cut him off, “Why the fuck do you need it?” I scream. “You hurt me, abused me. I started cutting because of you!”
He looks at me in disbelief. “You…”
“And don’t pretend it’s because you care. We both know you don’t. There’s something else you’re not telling me, so spit it out. Now!” I yell.
“Well,” he looks at me nervously. “You see, Megan and I, we’re in the process of a home study to adopt a Chinese baby.”
My eyes widen. He’s going to be a father? No, no, no. Something is very wrong here. He shouldn’t be allowed within two feet of any child.
“I told you Liz, I’ve changed.”
“What do you want with me?”
“They will be interviewing some people from my past. There are some rumors going around and I thought that once you forgave me you wouldn’t say anything.”
So much for making amends. He’s using me again.
“ I just want…” he continues.
I can see him for what he is, a pathetic loser, with the level of awareness of a cockroach and I feel empowered. “We all want lots of things we don’t get Sean. Live with it. And screw your steps!”
I walk over to the door, open it and am about to walk out when pulls me back in and stands in front of it, blocking my exit. And he says he’s changed?
“Just what exactly will you say?” he asks, angrily.
“The truth.”
“Which is?”
“Better take a hard look in the mirror and examine yourself.” If he thinks I’m gonna tell him, what he obviously can’t see, he’s more out to lunch than I ever thought. I’m not doing one damn thing to make his life easier.
“Let me leave.” My voice is full or warning.
He glares at me. “You little bitch!” he yells and brings his hand up to my neck.
“You can’t hurt me and get away with it. My friends know I’m here,” I lie. “And I’m sure the adoption agency loves dealing with convicted felons.”
He drops his arm.
I open the door and step outside.
I turn around.“Don’t you ever contact me again and don’t ever plan on getting on a plane to China, not in this lifetime!”
He punches his fist into the front of the door as I scurry off.
I maintain my composure long enough to get on my bike and pedal shakily in to town. I did it, I did it, I broke the spell but when I find myself crawling through Michael’s bedroom window, it all goes to hell.
************
When I crawl through his window I find him asleep, but when he hears me he sits up in bed
“Why did he do this to me? Why did I love him?” I sob.
“It was Sean, wasn’t it?” Michael asks me as I rock back in forth in the corner of his room.
I nod.
“What did he want?” he asks.
“He’s adopting a Chinese baby.”
“What?” Michael is unable to make sense of what I’ve said.
“I know, don’t even try to make sense of it, but Michael but it was horrible. I mean he doesn’t even see the way he treated me.”
“He’s too much of an asshole to.”
“But I needed him too.” I wanted him to say, that Liz Parker was something special, and I treated her like shit and I’m sorry. “And to be full of regret about it. Does that make me a total loser?”
He gets up out of bed in only boxers and walks towards me, wiping the sleep out of his eyes.
“No Liz, it makes you human.”
I stood up to him. I gained something tonight. So why do I feel even more used and pathetic than I ever have before.
“Do you need to talk some more?” Michael asks.
I shake my head and wipe the tears from my eyes.
“Do you want me to call Max?”
Again I shake my head.
‘What do you need then?”
“I can’t go home.” I look at him apprehensively. “Can I stay here?”
He nods and gets back in bed and moves over to leave the right side free for me. He knows the routine.
I ‘m still in my gown, and I unzip it and throw it on the chair, left in only my bra and panties. He turns away, “I won’t look.”
I get in and pull the covers up over us, lean back on the pillow and try to relax but I can’t.
“Michael,” I whimper, feeling more alone than I ever have in my life.
He puts his arm around me and I snuggle closer into a hug, but when his boxers and my panties meet, I encounter something I wasn’t expecting. His cock is rock hard.
I pull back to look at his face in the dark. “Michael?” He doesn’t look embarrassed, but he is very hard to read. He doesn’t say anything. I had no idea he had those feelings about me.
It happens so quickly. I slide my panties down my legs as he pulls his boxers down. Then I sit on top of him, sliding myself down over his dick in one fluid motion and ride it, rocking up and down as I sit on top of him.
A few minutes later he spills his seed inside of me and I roll off and lay back beside him. Neither of us says a word.
The phone rings. He answers it. “She’s not here Mr. Parker….ya, I will ok, Bye.”
“You’re dad knows you’re not home. Max and Maria are both there, Maria fessed up about Sean being at the dance, and everyone is worried.” There is a look on his face now that I can’t still read. Is it anger, regret, guilt?
“You better go home,” he says.
“Michael?” I ask as I gather up my things.
We don’t talk about what happened.
“Go home, Liz.”
**************
When I arrive at home, Max throws him arms around me. “Where have you been?” he asks.
I see Maria and my dad standing together looking very afraid. “I was with Sean.”
“I can’t believe that loser had the nerve to show up here. I’m calling the police,” my father runs for the phone at the back of the restaurant.
I run after him and push down the receiver when he picks up the phone. “Dad, it’s over, he isn’t coming back.” And I realize it is true. That part of my life is over and now that I have finally faced my demon it’s time for me to really change.
“Did he hurt you?” Max asks. ‘Why did you go alone Liz?”
“I had to face him Max. Not dad or you or even Michael. I had to face him and I did.”
“I was so worried,” he pulls me against him tightly. I can feel his heart beating a mile a minute, feel his fear.
Change. I can get my life back together. Now I know for sure that I can.
I look up at Max as he continues to hold me tight. But this part, after what I did with Michael, will never be the same.
Check out My Blog:
Who Put the Mustard in my Custard?
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maya
- Addicted Roswellian
- Posts: 246
- Joined: Sat Aug 20, 2005 2:44 pm
- Location: Wherever my heart takes me
Thanks FSU/MSW-94 for posting that info! See that list also helps illustrate how much Liz has improved since the beginning of the fic. Her therapy, meds and supportive relationships have been working wonders. Yes, she slept with Michael but in other ways she has been making much better choices and her thought process is becoming healthier too. She doesn't cut, abuse drugs, she expresses some of her feelings, she is starting to know more what she needs and is starting to be able to think outside of black and white. None of the people with BPD that I have ever worked with have even come this far. Funny so many people are commenting on Liz's behaviour when she is actually starting to improve.
This story is about Liz, about her battle with BPD and about a love that supports her through it. It is told through Liz's pov and although I will show other characters reactions and motivations etc. it will not be to the same extent. Please keep this in mind if you continue to read it.
xmag I get the feeling from your posts you will not like the way this fic ends, so I am just letting you know that in advance. You may want to stop reading.
BTW, I start my screenwriting program tomorrow so if I don't post its because I got caught up with that and I will be back within the next few days.
The song used here is Love Hurts by Nazareth.
MichelleinYonkers
hazz
xmag
tequathisy
dreamerfvrp3
roswell3053
FSU/MSW-94 - thanks for your support sweetie!
clueless
sprayadhesive
Erina
LairaBehr4
Emz80m
behrluv32
pookie76
Part 25 - Love hurts
I barely slept last night and when I wake up I feel riddled with guilt. I slept with Michael. I slept with Michael. And nothing will ever erase that.
To make matters worse, Max climbs through my window and presents me with a single rose. My guilt factor increases 10 fold.
“What is this for?” I ask.
“You were so brave last night Liz, facing him. I just want you to know how proud I am.”
Proud? I don’t deserve for him to be proud.
He sits on the side of the bed and waits for me while I go into the bathroom to brush my teeth, wash my face and throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.
When I come out I see him playing nervously with his hands, something obviously on his mind. I take a seat beside him. “What’s up?” I ask.
“I was awake thinking last night,” he starts. Ya, you and me both Max. “And I know you said you were ok with how physical things have been between us but I don’t believe you.”
I don’t say anything. We all know he is right.
“So I’m making the decision that we’re gonna stop for a while. We can just do other things, go out more.” He takes my hand. “I just think we rushed into it a little too quickly…” he looks to me for confirmation.
I nod. This is the first time I’ve admitted it.
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
Another million dollar question.
“I didn’t want you to feel bad.”
“Don’t ever worry about that, ok? There is nothing wrong with not being ready,” He kisses the top of my head.
I wasn’t ready to sleep with Max but I slept with Michael. How am I supposed to explain that?
So I make a decision. Things are going well now. Between Max and I, between Maria and Michael. Sean is gone.
Telling Max and Maria would only cause them heartache, so they can never know.
************
Michael and I are outside on break. We haven’t said anything other than hello to each other since last night as we have been working with Maria all morning.
Maria didn’t join us, she didn’t want to be around the smoke, but neither of us are smoking. We are too busy talking about last night.
We haven’t talked about why, just that it happened and Michael is acting uncharacteristically nervous. I’m worried he’s going to say something to Maria that he shouldn’t.
“Michael, we have to talk about what happened.”
He shakes his head.
“Michael, you were hard when I got into that bed.” He wasn’t like that the other times I stayed over. “Was it because you’d just woken up?”
“Liz,” he warns me. It isn’t like him to be so angry and uncommunicative.
He wanted just as much as I did him. I mean he was pulling down his boxers at the same time I took my panties off. He didn’t try to stop me, in fact he encouraged me. Then it hits me.
“Michael, do you have feelings for me?”
“I’m warning you, Liz,” he growls.
He’s shutting me out and the feeling is paralyzing.
“Cause I don’t have feeling for you. That isn’t why I slept with you. Just so we are clear here. I mean you are a great friend but Max is the only person I want to be with.” He doesn’t respond so I continue,” And I know it’s the same for you. You don’t feel that way about me….Michael I think you’re just confusing things…I’m not Megan.”
With that comment he turns to me in a rage. “Shut the fuck up!” He screams and goes back into the crash, slamming the door behind him.
“What’s wrong with him?” Maria asks when I finally come back inside.
I just shrug and go back and wait on table 4.
***************
My shift is over, I’m sitting in my room getting ready to go out on a previous planned movie date with Max when Michael storms into my room.
“We have to tell them,” Michael paces back in forth in my room nervously. “I can’t look at her without thinking about it. And she’s talking about having sex tonight, how can I sleep with her after what I’ve done?”
“We,” I correct him.
“What?” he asks.
“What we’ve done, Michael. You make it sound like it’s your fault.”
“It is. I took advantage of you. I shouldn’t have let it happen! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Do you realize what I have done?”
He looks like a wonded animal. I walk over put my arms around him, trying to calm him down. “Michael, we need to focus here, ok. You can’t tell Maria.”
“If you think I can just keep my mouth shut, I’ll die Liz, the guilt is killing me…”
“Michael!” I yell. “Do you love her?”
He gives me a pained expression. “Of course I do. Why do you think I’m in so much agony?”
“Then don’t tell her.”
“How can you say that?” he asks.
“Because it will hurt her.”
“But she has a right to know,” he protests.
“Look,” I try to reason with him. “We both know it will never happen again. And confession, well, it will ease our conscience but it will only hurt them.”
“She has to know Liz. If not, there will always be this space between us.”
“The relationship will end.” I for one am not ready for that to happen.
“I know,” he says sadly. “But I can’t go on like this. Everytime she does something nice to me, kisses me, smiles at me, I just want to strap myself.”
“It will get better. Just think of the pain you’re sparing her,” I argue.
He seems to have calmed down now. “Even if I can, which I highly doubt, the truth always has a way of coming out.”
“Michael, no one saw us. Janet was probably passed out drunk. This will never come out unless we let it.”
“It’s the right thing Liz. I don’t believe in infidelity, maybe you can take it lightly,,,”
“Oh don’t you dare, you asshole!” How dare he make it seem like I don’t care that I cheated on Max. “As you said, you took advantage of me!”
He doesn’t argue.
“You think it’s my heart I’m worried about? Do you?” I yell. “It’s his. I’ve already broken it, sometimes I think beyond repair. That’s why I don’t want him to know.” But maybe I’m just folling myself, because the thought of losing Max is just too much for me to bear.
He sits down, looking defeated. “By the end of the day, she will know,” he says and I know he isn’t changing his mind.
“You realize that if you do this, Max will find out too.”
He nods.
“Ok, let’s just tell them together.”
********************
We have them over at the crashdown at closing. Not really sure why we pick this place. We will have to work here for many days to come and I don’t know how I’ll ever set foot in here without remembering this day.
Max kisses me when he arrives and I try to make it last as long as I can, reminding myself that I may never feel his lips against mine again.
Michael asks them both to sit down. I don’t know why he’s approaching it this way. Now, I get the feeling they think they are here for some sort of surprise. The expectant smiles on their faces, make it that much worse.
So we tell them. They listen to it all. Where I went last night, what happened between us.
I slept with Michael. I slept with Michael. But I love you Max.
Maria, calls Michael the meanest of names, she cries, screams, punches him. He tries to console her but it only makes things worse. She then turns everything onto me and rightly so. I’m a backstabbing bitch, tell me something I don’t already know.
Love hurts, love scars,
Love wounds, and marks,
Eventually she leaves the crashdown with the dramatic sound of the slamming door. Michael retreats into the back.
Any heart, not tough,
Or strong, enough
Maria’s response I could take but Max’s is unbearable. He doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t call me a name, doesn’t yell or scream.
To take a lot of pain,
Take a lot of pain
He just looks at me in a way that makes me feel like pond scum and I think I see a single tear fall down his cheek before he turns and silently walks away.
Love is like a cloud
Holds a lot of rain
There is so much I want to explain, but he doesn’t let me. “Max,” I cry as he closes the door behind him. He isn’t interested in hearing it.
When he leaves, Michael comes out and we sit at a booth hanging our heads together. “We got exactly what we deserve,” he says, to which I can only nod.
Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts
“God. I knew it would be bad but….she won’t forgive me, will she?” he asks.
I shake my head. I just can’t picture either of them trusting one of us again.
“Max will forgive you though. He’s loved you forever.”
“Even forever has its limits, Michael.” I could see it in his eyes. He isn’t coming back. I now know for sure that I have lost the love of my life.
I look at him. “About what happened…”
He cuts me off. “We are not talking about it.”
“But Michael, eventually we will have to,” I protest. I want to clear things up, I don't want to loose the only friend I have left.
He grabs his coat and leaves. I hate that because he let me into his life he's in so much pain. It seems I do that to everything I touch.
Once again, I’m all alone. And right now I just can’t be alone.
***************
I sit in the dark of my room for a long long time. I cry my heart out. Who wouldn’t after losing the love of their life? But something is different about it. I feel so sad but a part of me, for the first time ever feels free. Crazy, huh?
There’s a knock at the door. It’s my dad coming to check on me. He sees my tears. ‘Lizzie, what’s wrong?”
“Daddie,” I cry and I run into his arms.
“Does this have anything to do with Maria?” he asks. “She just called here and quit. Now, I have no one to work tomorrow.”
“I’ll work her shift.” After all, I owe her right? I owe her a lot.
“Liz,” he presses me.
“Dad, I can’t talk right now but I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to cut or anything else…can we watch a movie?”
He looks at me with a smile and nods. “How about I call for a Pizza?”
This story is about Liz, about her battle with BPD and about a love that supports her through it. It is told through Liz's pov and although I will show other characters reactions and motivations etc. it will not be to the same extent. Please keep this in mind if you continue to read it.
xmag I get the feeling from your posts you will not like the way this fic ends, so I am just letting you know that in advance. You may want to stop reading.
BTW, I start my screenwriting program tomorrow so if I don't post its because I got caught up with that and I will be back within the next few days.
The song used here is Love Hurts by Nazareth.
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Part 25 - Love hurts
I barely slept last night and when I wake up I feel riddled with guilt. I slept with Michael. I slept with Michael. And nothing will ever erase that.
To make matters worse, Max climbs through my window and presents me with a single rose. My guilt factor increases 10 fold.
“What is this for?” I ask.
“You were so brave last night Liz, facing him. I just want you to know how proud I am.”
Proud? I don’t deserve for him to be proud.
He sits on the side of the bed and waits for me while I go into the bathroom to brush my teeth, wash my face and throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt.
When I come out I see him playing nervously with his hands, something obviously on his mind. I take a seat beside him. “What’s up?” I ask.
“I was awake thinking last night,” he starts. Ya, you and me both Max. “And I know you said you were ok with how physical things have been between us but I don’t believe you.”
I don’t say anything. We all know he is right.
“So I’m making the decision that we’re gonna stop for a while. We can just do other things, go out more.” He takes my hand. “I just think we rushed into it a little too quickly…” he looks to me for confirmation.
I nod. This is the first time I’ve admitted it.
“Why didn’t you say anything?”
Another million dollar question.
“I didn’t want you to feel bad.”
“Don’t ever worry about that, ok? There is nothing wrong with not being ready,” He kisses the top of my head.
I wasn’t ready to sleep with Max but I slept with Michael. How am I supposed to explain that?
So I make a decision. Things are going well now. Between Max and I, between Maria and Michael. Sean is gone.
Telling Max and Maria would only cause them heartache, so they can never know.
************
Michael and I are outside on break. We haven’t said anything other than hello to each other since last night as we have been working with Maria all morning.
Maria didn’t join us, she didn’t want to be around the smoke, but neither of us are smoking. We are too busy talking about last night.
We haven’t talked about why, just that it happened and Michael is acting uncharacteristically nervous. I’m worried he’s going to say something to Maria that he shouldn’t.
“Michael, we have to talk about what happened.”
He shakes his head.
“Michael, you were hard when I got into that bed.” He wasn’t like that the other times I stayed over. “Was it because you’d just woken up?”
“Liz,” he warns me. It isn’t like him to be so angry and uncommunicative.
He wanted just as much as I did him. I mean he was pulling down his boxers at the same time I took my panties off. He didn’t try to stop me, in fact he encouraged me. Then it hits me.
“Michael, do you have feelings for me?”
“I’m warning you, Liz,” he growls.
He’s shutting me out and the feeling is paralyzing.
“Cause I don’t have feeling for you. That isn’t why I slept with you. Just so we are clear here. I mean you are a great friend but Max is the only person I want to be with.” He doesn’t respond so I continue,” And I know it’s the same for you. You don’t feel that way about me….Michael I think you’re just confusing things…I’m not Megan.”
With that comment he turns to me in a rage. “Shut the fuck up!” He screams and goes back into the crash, slamming the door behind him.
“What’s wrong with him?” Maria asks when I finally come back inside.
I just shrug and go back and wait on table 4.
***************
My shift is over, I’m sitting in my room getting ready to go out on a previous planned movie date with Max when Michael storms into my room.
“We have to tell them,” Michael paces back in forth in my room nervously. “I can’t look at her without thinking about it. And she’s talking about having sex tonight, how can I sleep with her after what I’ve done?”
“We,” I correct him.
“What?” he asks.
“What we’ve done, Michael. You make it sound like it’s your fault.”
“It is. I took advantage of you. I shouldn’t have let it happen! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Do you realize what I have done?”
He looks like a wonded animal. I walk over put my arms around him, trying to calm him down. “Michael, we need to focus here, ok. You can’t tell Maria.”
“If you think I can just keep my mouth shut, I’ll die Liz, the guilt is killing me…”
“Michael!” I yell. “Do you love her?”
He gives me a pained expression. “Of course I do. Why do you think I’m in so much agony?”
“Then don’t tell her.”
“How can you say that?” he asks.
“Because it will hurt her.”
“But she has a right to know,” he protests.
“Look,” I try to reason with him. “We both know it will never happen again. And confession, well, it will ease our conscience but it will only hurt them.”
“She has to know Liz. If not, there will always be this space between us.”
“The relationship will end.” I for one am not ready for that to happen.
“I know,” he says sadly. “But I can’t go on like this. Everytime she does something nice to me, kisses me, smiles at me, I just want to strap myself.”
“It will get better. Just think of the pain you’re sparing her,” I argue.
He seems to have calmed down now. “Even if I can, which I highly doubt, the truth always has a way of coming out.”
“Michael, no one saw us. Janet was probably passed out drunk. This will never come out unless we let it.”
“It’s the right thing Liz. I don’t believe in infidelity, maybe you can take it lightly,,,”
“Oh don’t you dare, you asshole!” How dare he make it seem like I don’t care that I cheated on Max. “As you said, you took advantage of me!”
He doesn’t argue.
“You think it’s my heart I’m worried about? Do you?” I yell. “It’s his. I’ve already broken it, sometimes I think beyond repair. That’s why I don’t want him to know.” But maybe I’m just folling myself, because the thought of losing Max is just too much for me to bear.
He sits down, looking defeated. “By the end of the day, she will know,” he says and I know he isn’t changing his mind.
“You realize that if you do this, Max will find out too.”
He nods.
“Ok, let’s just tell them together.”
********************
We have them over at the crashdown at closing. Not really sure why we pick this place. We will have to work here for many days to come and I don’t know how I’ll ever set foot in here without remembering this day.
Max kisses me when he arrives and I try to make it last as long as I can, reminding myself that I may never feel his lips against mine again.
Michael asks them both to sit down. I don’t know why he’s approaching it this way. Now, I get the feeling they think they are here for some sort of surprise. The expectant smiles on their faces, make it that much worse.
So we tell them. They listen to it all. Where I went last night, what happened between us.
I slept with Michael. I slept with Michael. But I love you Max.
Maria, calls Michael the meanest of names, she cries, screams, punches him. He tries to console her but it only makes things worse. She then turns everything onto me and rightly so. I’m a backstabbing bitch, tell me something I don’t already know.
Love hurts, love scars,
Love wounds, and marks,
Eventually she leaves the crashdown with the dramatic sound of the slamming door. Michael retreats into the back.
Any heart, not tough,
Or strong, enough
Maria’s response I could take but Max’s is unbearable. He doesn’t say anything. Doesn’t call me a name, doesn’t yell or scream.
To take a lot of pain,
Take a lot of pain
He just looks at me in a way that makes me feel like pond scum and I think I see a single tear fall down his cheek before he turns and silently walks away.
Love is like a cloud
Holds a lot of rain
There is so much I want to explain, but he doesn’t let me. “Max,” I cry as he closes the door behind him. He isn’t interested in hearing it.
When he leaves, Michael comes out and we sit at a booth hanging our heads together. “We got exactly what we deserve,” he says, to which I can only nod.
Love hurts, ooh ooh love hurts
“God. I knew it would be bad but….she won’t forgive me, will she?” he asks.
I shake my head. I just can’t picture either of them trusting one of us again.
“Max will forgive you though. He’s loved you forever.”
“Even forever has its limits, Michael.” I could see it in his eyes. He isn’t coming back. I now know for sure that I have lost the love of my life.
I look at him. “About what happened…”
He cuts me off. “We are not talking about it.”
“But Michael, eventually we will have to,” I protest. I want to clear things up, I don't want to loose the only friend I have left.
He grabs his coat and leaves. I hate that because he let me into his life he's in so much pain. It seems I do that to everything I touch.
Once again, I’m all alone. And right now I just can’t be alone.
***************
I sit in the dark of my room for a long long time. I cry my heart out. Who wouldn’t after losing the love of their life? But something is different about it. I feel so sad but a part of me, for the first time ever feels free. Crazy, huh?
There’s a knock at the door. It’s my dad coming to check on me. He sees my tears. ‘Lizzie, what’s wrong?”
“Daddie,” I cry and I run into his arms.
“Does this have anything to do with Maria?” he asks. “She just called here and quit. Now, I have no one to work tomorrow.”
“I’ll work her shift.” After all, I owe her right? I owe her a lot.
“Liz,” he presses me.
“Dad, I can’t talk right now but I don’t want to be alone, I don’t want to cut or anything else…can we watch a movie?”
He looks at me with a smile and nods. “How about I call for a Pizza?”
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Part 26 Useless Apologies
I’ve lost him. I’ve lost Max. See, it’s hard for me to accept because just yesterday morning we were together, he was telling me how much he loves me. And it’s now that I really wish there were time machines, so I could go back and do things differently, so I could go back and save his heart from splitting in half, but I can’t.
What I want is something I can’t have. So, if I keep reminding myself, please don’t get annoyed with me, I’m just hoping that maybe it will sink in.
I survived last night, thanks to Dad. I didn’t cut, I didn’t abuse any substance or myself. We stayed up late eating Pizza, watching movies and once I went to bed, I noticed he checked on me every hour. I don’t remember him ever doing that before.
I’m working Maria’s shift this morning, trying to keep busy, but my mind keeps wandering towards the door, hoping Max will come in or even walk by. I mean he can’t just be finished with me that easily, can he?
Yes, he can. I slept with his best friend. I tore his heart out. See, this is why I need reminding.
Michael comes in to work looking like he hasn’t slept a wink and walks straight by me at the counter, doesn’t even look in my direction as he makes his way to the back.
Is he mad at me? Does he blame me? Or does seeing me just remind him of all this crap?
I don’t blame him. I only blame myself. If I hadn’t come here, he and Maria would still be together. Max wouldn’t have a broken heart. He was nothing but a good friend. He was patient with me.
Somehow he got me and even though I swear to you I didn’t mean it, I used that. That very thought brings tears to my eyes.
It’s very hard to be me right now. When I look in the mirror I wish I could see someone else looking back. No wonder Max no longer wants to be with me.
When I pick up a burger order and I say “Thanks,” to Michael, he only grunts at me. I’ve lost Max and maybe after a million reminders I’ll accept that, but I can’t accept what has happened to Michael. Maybe there is a way for me to at least fix things for him. I won’t know, until I try.
*****************
Maria doesn’t want to let me past her front door but I beg and plead. “Just let me say what I’ve come to say,” I push past her brazily.
She’s a mess. Dark circles under her eyes that tell me she hasn’t slept all night. Yesterday’s mascara is smudged from tears, her hair looks like it’s the result of playing with an electric socket.
“Nothing you can say will ever make me forgive either of you,” she spits. Her look is stern, her face blotchy from dried up tears.
I take a seat on her couch even though she doesn’t offer. “Maria, Michael loves you. This was my fault. I had just seen Sean and I needed comfort and I confused that need with sex. I couldn’t go to Max because…”
She doesn’t let me finish. We are at war now and if she lets me finish it will be as though she’s let me win. “You don’t get to explain your way out of this!” She’s standing in front of me as I sit on the couch and I feel like a vulnerable child.
She’s right, I can’t. But I can explain Michael out of it. That’s why I’m here, not for me but for him. How do I make her understand this?
She bends down to my level and looks at me like a vicious animal. “I don’t care that you didn’t go to Max. You went to Michael; you betrayed me.”
“This had nothing to do with Michael.”
She slaps me. “Then why?” she screams. I let her do it, I don’t slap back. I had it coming. “Why not Tommy then, or even Sean, I mean he was there, available for you?” She yells louder than I ever thought humanly possible.
“Fuck you!” I scream back just as loud and get up. How dare she bring him into this?
Then suddenly as if the anger has been knocked straight out of her, she collapses back into the sofa across from me. She looks defeated and I don’t know what to make of it. So I don’t say a word. I just sit back down and watch her, waiting for some sort of social cue.
When she speaks again, her tone is of someone I might be able to reason with. “You know Liz, I could have forgiven him and put all the blame on you and the slut that you are, but Michael came to talk to me.”
“He did?” Michael didn’t say anything about confronting Maria to me. I wonder what he said.
“He admitted that he had wanted it. That he had a big fat boner for you before you laid a finger on him!” she tries to yell but her voice is hoarse from tears and starts to cry again.
“Maria, Michael would never say…” God, I really hope Michael knows he isn’t in love with me.
“It wasn’t like that. I mean he did have one, but….” I can’t win no matter what I say now.
“Well you’re right those weren’t his exact words but I pried the information out of him in bits and pieces. So save the ‘he loves you crap’ for someone who believes it.”
I take a deep breath and hope she’ll let me get through what I have to say. “Maria, Michael doesn’t love me. He’s confusing other feeling with it…”
“What are you talking bout?”
“You remember that girl Megan Jennings?”
“The girl that killed herself last year? I didn’t really know her.”
I nod. “She was Michael’s neighbor.”
“So?”
“You didn’t know her because she didn’t go to school. She was supposed to but she had too many problems.” She had a lot of problems
She gets annoyed with me. ‘What does this have to do with anything?”
“Michael was good friends with her.”
“No, he wasn’t.” Maria thinks she knows everything about Michael because she’s crushed on him so long but there are a lot of things she doesn’t know about him, Megan for one.
“He was. He doesn’t even know I know.” And I can’t tell you how I know, not yet.
“So, what?”
“The only place she ever went other than her own home was to Michael’s. They hung out a lot. He was one of the only people who got her, tried to help her, but he wasn’t able to save her. One day he came home from school to find out she had killed herself. She left a note for him in his room.”
She looks at me as though considering it. “Ok, that’s a pretty awful thing to have happen but what does that have to do with fucking you?”
“Have you ever seen a picture of her?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “I think there was one in the paper but I don’t really remember.” No one ever does.
“She looked a lot like me. The dark hair and eyes. And she had these mood swings. She was a cutter. I think he blames himself for not being able to save her and so he put all of that on me, on saving me. My shrink has a word for it but I can’t remember what it was.”
“Liz, that’s a bit of a stretch.”
“Is it?” I ask. “All those times he put me ahead of you. This explains it. He was afraid, that if he didn’t, just like her, I’d end up in a body bag.”
“So he fucked you!” She still can’t bridge this all together.
“I was broken, Maria, it was a way for him to fix me.” And I probably shouldn’t add this but it is true, “And Maria, pretty much any guy would get a boner lying next to a half naked girl, even if he had a great girlfriend. I took advantage of that and for that I am truly sorry.”
“And you expect me to just go back to him, now?” she asks bewildered.
“All I’m asking is for you to look at it from his point of view. He was confused. ”
“If this is all true, it doesn’t change anything Liz. Not the fact that he betrayed me.”
“He loves you. He talks about you all the time. Defends you,” I try to reason with her.
She just shakes her head with distress.
“Maria,” I beg. “I did all of this. If you let me ruin all of your lives, you’re giving me a power I don’t deserve.”
I get up and walk to the door. I look back to see her head in her hands. “I’m sorry, Maria.”
And I’m really not sure what I said will fix any of this. This was a can of worms I’m sure Michael never wanted open, so I pray I didn’t just make things worse.
With that I close the door behind me and head to Max’s. I saved the most difficult for last.
******************
I wanted to tell Max everything yesterday but he walked out, what was I supposed to do, chase after him down the street, yelling and screaming?. Besides, he was in so much pain, he couldn’t have listened to me anyway. Max is a brooder; he needs time to mull things over and to think.
I know it’s a lost cause now, but he deserves an explanation, he deserves to hear it from me. And although in my heart I know it’s over, I can’t help but think of what Michael said yesterday, that Max loves me so much, he’ll forgive me. Should I even allow my heart to put any hope into that thought?
He looks even worse than Maria when he answers the door. I’m surprised he walks me down to his room, but his parents are home and I’m sure he doesn’t want them to know what is going on.
Diane says, “Hi, Liz” to me as I pass and I feel embarrassed as I smile back, remembering my behavior the last time I was a guest here.
Once the door closes behind us he sits on his bed and looks at me expectantly. There is no hug, no kiss, we don’t exchange pleasantries. It’s as if someone has stolen my Max and replaced him with someone cold, unattached. Then, I remind myself that I’m responsible for that.
I tell him everything: what happened with Sean, with Michael, the things I told Maria. I also tell him about the sex and how it reminded me of things with Sean and how horrible it made me feel.
“So every time we had sex I made you feel like you were some sort of whore?” He looks enraged.
I nod.
His eyes are filled with so much regret. “I feel like..my god Liz….like some sort of monster.”
I take his face in my hands and look at him. “No, no. You weren’t. You were loving. This had nothing to do with you…” I beg.
He pulls my hands off his face and drops them like they are yesterday’s garbage. “This has everything to do with me. You slept with Michael for god sake, my best friend, instead of talking to me!” he screams. “Why couldn’t you have just told me? I gave you lots of opportunities!”
I’ve never seen him like this. Max has never been anything but understanding with me. “I’m telling you now.” Once the shock wears off, he will understand. I know he will.
He bottles his emotions up. He looks so cold now. “It’s too late.”
“Please don’t say that.” Michael said that Max would forgive me and that’s what I have been holding onto for the last 24 hours.
He turns away from me. “You know that’s what Tess did.”
“I know.” It’s a wound that runs deep. ‘But I didn’t do it to hurt you. Tess -she played with your emotions, I - I love you!”
“It was with my best friend Liz. It couldn’t have hurt worse.” He thinks that what Tess did was nothing compared to this.
“I didn’t even cum! “ I scream. “He did, but I didn’t.” It’s true. He was like a 2 minute man.
The floodgates open once again and he turns to me in a rage. “Oh well that makes all the fucking difference! How can you say something like that? What is wrong with you?”
What is wrong with me? He always knows what’s wrong with me, I can’t believe he doesn’t understand, but he doesn't and I don't know how to react.
He clenches his right hand into a fist. I know logically that Max would never hit me but still I start to tremble and I take a step back.
“Michael’s penis was inside of you. Don’t you get that?" He walks towards me, clenching the fist tighter. "I will never get that picture out of my mind!” I close my eyes as he lifts his fist into the air, sure it's coming for me, but instaed he moves past me, and punches it through the wall.
“You said you’d never leave me,” I whisper silently as he winces in pain and tries to shake his hand out.
He turns to me, eyes brimming with tears. “When I said that, I didn’t think you’d ever do something this.”
Diane must of heard the bang as she comes running through the bedroom door. ‘What’s going on?” she asks.
He turns to look at me one last time. “Liz was just leaving.”
“Max, I..”
“Get out, Liz.”
I guess that’s the end of that. Michael was wrong. Max will never forgive me.
As I walk out the door, I stop in front of his house, tears streaming down my face. I wonder if I will ever step foot in it again.
I look towards his bedroom window, the room we made love in, another thing we will probably never do again. I feel hopeful as I see his bedroom curtain move, but when he enters the frame, I see his face, it looks so etched with pain.
We share a look and then I feel it the second it happens - the little brown haired boy falls out of love with the doe eyed girl and it is more painful than I can bear.
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MichelleinYonkers
Part 26 Useless Apologies
I’ve lost him. I’ve lost Max. See, it’s hard for me to accept because just yesterday morning we were together, he was telling me how much he loves me. And it’s now that I really wish there were time machines, so I could go back and do things differently, so I could go back and save his heart from splitting in half, but I can’t.
What I want is something I can’t have. So, if I keep reminding myself, please don’t get annoyed with me, I’m just hoping that maybe it will sink in.
I survived last night, thanks to Dad. I didn’t cut, I didn’t abuse any substance or myself. We stayed up late eating Pizza, watching movies and once I went to bed, I noticed he checked on me every hour. I don’t remember him ever doing that before.
I’m working Maria’s shift this morning, trying to keep busy, but my mind keeps wandering towards the door, hoping Max will come in or even walk by. I mean he can’t just be finished with me that easily, can he?
Yes, he can. I slept with his best friend. I tore his heart out. See, this is why I need reminding.
Michael comes in to work looking like he hasn’t slept a wink and walks straight by me at the counter, doesn’t even look in my direction as he makes his way to the back.
Is he mad at me? Does he blame me? Or does seeing me just remind him of all this crap?
I don’t blame him. I only blame myself. If I hadn’t come here, he and Maria would still be together. Max wouldn’t have a broken heart. He was nothing but a good friend. He was patient with me.
Somehow he got me and even though I swear to you I didn’t mean it, I used that. That very thought brings tears to my eyes.
It’s very hard to be me right now. When I look in the mirror I wish I could see someone else looking back. No wonder Max no longer wants to be with me.
When I pick up a burger order and I say “Thanks,” to Michael, he only grunts at me. I’ve lost Max and maybe after a million reminders I’ll accept that, but I can’t accept what has happened to Michael. Maybe there is a way for me to at least fix things for him. I won’t know, until I try.
*****************
Maria doesn’t want to let me past her front door but I beg and plead. “Just let me say what I’ve come to say,” I push past her brazily.
She’s a mess. Dark circles under her eyes that tell me she hasn’t slept all night. Yesterday’s mascara is smudged from tears, her hair looks like it’s the result of playing with an electric socket.
“Nothing you can say will ever make me forgive either of you,” she spits. Her look is stern, her face blotchy from dried up tears.
I take a seat on her couch even though she doesn’t offer. “Maria, Michael loves you. This was my fault. I had just seen Sean and I needed comfort and I confused that need with sex. I couldn’t go to Max because…”
She doesn’t let me finish. We are at war now and if she lets me finish it will be as though she’s let me win. “You don’t get to explain your way out of this!” She’s standing in front of me as I sit on the couch and I feel like a vulnerable child.
She’s right, I can’t. But I can explain Michael out of it. That’s why I’m here, not for me but for him. How do I make her understand this?
She bends down to my level and looks at me like a vicious animal. “I don’t care that you didn’t go to Max. You went to Michael; you betrayed me.”
“This had nothing to do with Michael.”
She slaps me. “Then why?” she screams. I let her do it, I don’t slap back. I had it coming. “Why not Tommy then, or even Sean, I mean he was there, available for you?” She yells louder than I ever thought humanly possible.
“Fuck you!” I scream back just as loud and get up. How dare she bring him into this?
Then suddenly as if the anger has been knocked straight out of her, she collapses back into the sofa across from me. She looks defeated and I don’t know what to make of it. So I don’t say a word. I just sit back down and watch her, waiting for some sort of social cue.
When she speaks again, her tone is of someone I might be able to reason with. “You know Liz, I could have forgiven him and put all the blame on you and the slut that you are, but Michael came to talk to me.”
“He did?” Michael didn’t say anything about confronting Maria to me. I wonder what he said.
“He admitted that he had wanted it. That he had a big fat boner for you before you laid a finger on him!” she tries to yell but her voice is hoarse from tears and starts to cry again.
“Maria, Michael would never say…” God, I really hope Michael knows he isn’t in love with me.
“It wasn’t like that. I mean he did have one, but….” I can’t win no matter what I say now.
“Well you’re right those weren’t his exact words but I pried the information out of him in bits and pieces. So save the ‘he loves you crap’ for someone who believes it.”
I take a deep breath and hope she’ll let me get through what I have to say. “Maria, Michael doesn’t love me. He’s confusing other feeling with it…”
“What are you talking bout?”
“You remember that girl Megan Jennings?”
“The girl that killed herself last year? I didn’t really know her.”
I nod. “She was Michael’s neighbor.”
“So?”
“You didn’t know her because she didn’t go to school. She was supposed to but she had too many problems.” She had a lot of problems
She gets annoyed with me. ‘What does this have to do with anything?”
“Michael was good friends with her.”
“No, he wasn’t.” Maria thinks she knows everything about Michael because she’s crushed on him so long but there are a lot of things she doesn’t know about him, Megan for one.
“He was. He doesn’t even know I know.” And I can’t tell you how I know, not yet.
“So, what?”
“The only place she ever went other than her own home was to Michael’s. They hung out a lot. He was one of the only people who got her, tried to help her, but he wasn’t able to save her. One day he came home from school to find out she had killed herself. She left a note for him in his room.”
She looks at me as though considering it. “Ok, that’s a pretty awful thing to have happen but what does that have to do with fucking you?”
“Have you ever seen a picture of her?” I ask.
She shakes her head. “I think there was one in the paper but I don’t really remember.” No one ever does.
“She looked a lot like me. The dark hair and eyes. And she had these mood swings. She was a cutter. I think he blames himself for not being able to save her and so he put all of that on me, on saving me. My shrink has a word for it but I can’t remember what it was.”
“Liz, that’s a bit of a stretch.”
“Is it?” I ask. “All those times he put me ahead of you. This explains it. He was afraid, that if he didn’t, just like her, I’d end up in a body bag.”
“So he fucked you!” She still can’t bridge this all together.
“I was broken, Maria, it was a way for him to fix me.” And I probably shouldn’t add this but it is true, “And Maria, pretty much any guy would get a boner lying next to a half naked girl, even if he had a great girlfriend. I took advantage of that and for that I am truly sorry.”
“And you expect me to just go back to him, now?” she asks bewildered.
“All I’m asking is for you to look at it from his point of view. He was confused. ”
“If this is all true, it doesn’t change anything Liz. Not the fact that he betrayed me.”
“He loves you. He talks about you all the time. Defends you,” I try to reason with her.
She just shakes her head with distress.
“Maria,” I beg. “I did all of this. If you let me ruin all of your lives, you’re giving me a power I don’t deserve.”
I get up and walk to the door. I look back to see her head in her hands. “I’m sorry, Maria.”
And I’m really not sure what I said will fix any of this. This was a can of worms I’m sure Michael never wanted open, so I pray I didn’t just make things worse.
With that I close the door behind me and head to Max’s. I saved the most difficult for last.
******************
I wanted to tell Max everything yesterday but he walked out, what was I supposed to do, chase after him down the street, yelling and screaming?. Besides, he was in so much pain, he couldn’t have listened to me anyway. Max is a brooder; he needs time to mull things over and to think.
I know it’s a lost cause now, but he deserves an explanation, he deserves to hear it from me. And although in my heart I know it’s over, I can’t help but think of what Michael said yesterday, that Max loves me so much, he’ll forgive me. Should I even allow my heart to put any hope into that thought?
He looks even worse than Maria when he answers the door. I’m surprised he walks me down to his room, but his parents are home and I’m sure he doesn’t want them to know what is going on.
Diane says, “Hi, Liz” to me as I pass and I feel embarrassed as I smile back, remembering my behavior the last time I was a guest here.
Once the door closes behind us he sits on his bed and looks at me expectantly. There is no hug, no kiss, we don’t exchange pleasantries. It’s as if someone has stolen my Max and replaced him with someone cold, unattached. Then, I remind myself that I’m responsible for that.
I tell him everything: what happened with Sean, with Michael, the things I told Maria. I also tell him about the sex and how it reminded me of things with Sean and how horrible it made me feel.
“So every time we had sex I made you feel like you were some sort of whore?” He looks enraged.
I nod.
His eyes are filled with so much regret. “I feel like..my god Liz….like some sort of monster.”
I take his face in my hands and look at him. “No, no. You weren’t. You were loving. This had nothing to do with you…” I beg.
He pulls my hands off his face and drops them like they are yesterday’s garbage. “This has everything to do with me. You slept with Michael for god sake, my best friend, instead of talking to me!” he screams. “Why couldn’t you have just told me? I gave you lots of opportunities!”
I’ve never seen him like this. Max has never been anything but understanding with me. “I’m telling you now.” Once the shock wears off, he will understand. I know he will.
He bottles his emotions up. He looks so cold now. “It’s too late.”
“Please don’t say that.” Michael said that Max would forgive me and that’s what I have been holding onto for the last 24 hours.
He turns away from me. “You know that’s what Tess did.”
“I know.” It’s a wound that runs deep. ‘But I didn’t do it to hurt you. Tess -she played with your emotions, I - I love you!”
“It was with my best friend Liz. It couldn’t have hurt worse.” He thinks that what Tess did was nothing compared to this.
“I didn’t even cum! “ I scream. “He did, but I didn’t.” It’s true. He was like a 2 minute man.
The floodgates open once again and he turns to me in a rage. “Oh well that makes all the fucking difference! How can you say something like that? What is wrong with you?”
What is wrong with me? He always knows what’s wrong with me, I can’t believe he doesn’t understand, but he doesn't and I don't know how to react.
He clenches his right hand into a fist. I know logically that Max would never hit me but still I start to tremble and I take a step back.
“Michael’s penis was inside of you. Don’t you get that?" He walks towards me, clenching the fist tighter. "I will never get that picture out of my mind!” I close my eyes as he lifts his fist into the air, sure it's coming for me, but instaed he moves past me, and punches it through the wall.
“You said you’d never leave me,” I whisper silently as he winces in pain and tries to shake his hand out.
He turns to me, eyes brimming with tears. “When I said that, I didn’t think you’d ever do something this.”
Diane must of heard the bang as she comes running through the bedroom door. ‘What’s going on?” she asks.
He turns to look at me one last time. “Liz was just leaving.”
“Max, I..”
“Get out, Liz.”
I guess that’s the end of that. Michael was wrong. Max will never forgive me.
As I walk out the door, I stop in front of his house, tears streaming down my face. I wonder if I will ever step foot in it again.
I look towards his bedroom window, the room we made love in, another thing we will probably never do again. I feel hopeful as I see his bedroom curtain move, but when he enters the frame, I see his face, it looks so etched with pain.
We share a look and then I feel it the second it happens - the little brown haired boy falls out of love with the doe eyed girl and it is more painful than I can bear.
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maya
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Ok gang, here is the next part. I know the last part was hard on the tear ducts but this part will be a little bit easier to handle. The remaining parts are fairly long so I have broken them each into two so there will be more parts. We are still on the homestrech.
FSU/MSW-94
LairaBehr4
sprayadhesive
xmag
hazz
pookie76
clueless
ShatteredDreamer
ALien_Friend
Sylvia37
Emz80m
roswell3053
tequathisy
Nz_Roswell
ultimatepickupline
Shadowlynxbehr
Part 27 Passing Time
The weeks pass quickly and surprisingly I don’t fall apart. I fill my days with school work, work at the crash and dad.
Michael stays on at the crash and I’m not sure why. Is it because he needs the money or he wants out of Hank and Janet’s house? Either way, things have changed between us and we don’t talk much, not like we used to. It isn’t just him that’s changed, it’s me too. One of the reasons is that I know that we can’t relate to each other the way we have in the past, it just isn’t healthy. The other reason is Maria.
I don’t think what I said to Maria was enough for her to forgive him but I do think it’s given her some things to think about.
I’ve seen them exchange a few odd words at school that appear civilized so I don’t want to mess with that. I figure if Maria saw me with Michael it might just make it worse and if there is one thing I can do for Michael, it’s to leave him alone so he can fix what I have so brilliantly screwed.
I rarely see Max. He doesn’t come into the crash at all, doesn’t walk by just so he can look in and see me. Every day I think today is the day he will, he’ll just feel the “need” to see me but he never does. It’s hard to live in a world where I’m not with Max but what choice do I have? I made my own bed and now I’m sure you all love watching me rot in it.
Max and I still have Biology lab together, he would never ask for a change in partner, he is way to kind for that but words between us are minimal and always limited to the lab work at hand.
Lab time is my salvation; I get to sit with him, smell him, take in everything that is Max. I sneak as many looks at him as I can but I can’t say he does the same back. I just don’t get it, how he can turn things off so quickly. Has he really fallen out of love with me or are his wounds just so deep he can’t even bring himself to look at me?
Whatever his reasons, my bubble bursts the minute the lab is completed; when he grabs his book bag and heads for the exit, not once does he look back.
I feel sorry for my dad. He spends all of this time with me and I feel bad that he is all alone. Today, I’ve decided to rectify that so I go to see Nancy. She’s staying at an apartment right here in town.
“Liz?” she asks with surprise when I come to the door.
“I really need to talk to you.”
She looks at me skeptically, probably thinks I’m about to go ape shit on her. “Please?”
She nods and leads me into her apartment living room. I sit down on the couch across from her and she looks at me with expectation.
“I know things have been rough, that you didn’t want dad to have a child, let alone a troubled child.”
“Liz, look I…” she starts.
“Don’t,” I beg. I don’t want to hear her explain her cruelty away. It’s just more than I can take.
She bites her lips nervously then looks at me. “I was jealous,” she blurts out.
No shit Sherlock.
“When you were little and you’d come to stay he always put your needs first,” she whispers.
“I was a child,” I argue.
“But you weren’t my child.”
No I certainly wasn’t and she’s always been sure to remind me of that. I feel like I’m going to be sick. She could have loved me regardless of whose child I was. She could of….the anger begins to boil. It’s the past I remind myself and that is where I need to keep it. I’m here for a reason.
“I know it sounds crazy Liz, but it was like you were my competition. Logically I knew you weren’t but inside I felt that…. And every time I dragged him away from you, I won.”
I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe she’s admitting something like this.
“You were reaching out to each other again, the way it should be and I couldn’t take it. Part of me was jealous, irrationally jealous, the other part angry at myself for being jealous, because all this stuff you’re going through, I know that I was the cause of some of it. That’s why I left.”
I don’t mean to say it but I do, sob it actually, “What was so bad about me that you couldn’t love me?” I so didn’t want to do this conversation. That is not why I am here.
“See that’s the thing Liz, that I realized while I’ve been here with a clear head. In some ways I do love you.”
Words. They are nothing but words.
“I know it’s hard to believe. I just didn’t think there was a place for two of us but now I see that maybe there was…but not now Liz, you have so many problems and you need your dad…”
“I do need Dad and Dad, he needs you,” I reply. That is after all why I am here.
“What?” she looks at me with confusion.
I look at her coldly. She’s never been one to catch on quickly. “Look, I don’t really like you, Nancy, I mean what you’ve said, come on, doesn’t change the fact that you haven’t been that nice to me but here’s the thing. I’m 17 years old, in a year I’ll hopefully be off to college and one day have my own family, my own life, but dad he will be all alone.”
“What are you saying?” she asks, jaw almost to the floor.
“I’m saying, come back. Be with him. Be with us. It won’t be easy, but I’m willing to make a real effort if you are.”
There are tears in her eyes. “I need to think about it.”
I roll my eyes. I thought she’d jump at the idea but I guess I’m forgetting this is Nancy I’m dealing with. Only she would need to think about this.
I get up and head for the door. ‘Liz,” she yells stopping me. “Does your father know you are here?”
I shake my head ‘No’ and from the look in her eyes I think she has a newfound respect for me.
*************
Dr. Yarrow is proud of me. She feels I’ve made great strides, especially my conversation with Nancy, which she feels was very mature of me.
But later our conversation turns to Max….
“So when you moved here again, Max gave you lots of attention. You became dependent on him,” Dr. Yarrow points out.
Not this crap again. “Max isn’t Sean.” Or is he? Oh god, this can’t be happening.
Dr. Yarrow and I share a look of recognition. “He isn’t Sean. But I’ve made him into him, haven’t I?”
She nods.
“And I’ve never been fair to him, have I?” How many times will my own actions break my own heart?
She shakes her head. “He obviously loves you a lot Liz, a wonderful gift, one I’m not sure you’re ready for.”
Not yet. But one day I hope I will be.
He said he’d never leave me. For the first time I realize that I expected far too much from him.
Then I think about what she said. Does he still love me? Or is there really is no love in him for me anymore?
Does he still love me? It’s a question, I’m not sure I’ll ever know the answer to. All I can do now is focus on getting better.
“So, now that you’re not dependent, are you ready to start to really work?” she asks me.
I nod. She knew it was what I needed all along but I wouldn’t listen.
She starts the ground rules.
“No more boyfriends. No more sexual relationships.”
I nod.
She hands me a flyer. “Here’s something for you to take home and consider tonight.”
****************
I see Maria at her locker and head in her direction. “Hi,” I say when I reach her.
She doesn’t look happy to see me. “Hi Liz,” she says with annoyance.
She closes her locker and starts walking down the hall. “I wanted to talk to you about the crash,” I say as I follow after her.
“What about it?”
“I want you to come back.” Then I add, “I’m giving up my position there.”
She stops surprised and considers this for a moment.”Why?”
“Because Maria, you were there long before my father even took over the place. So if one of us isn’t going to work there anymore it should be me.”
“I can’t deny I’m shocked,” she says and I don’t blame her. “I mean you’re actually thinking of someone else for a change.”
I don’t argue with her on that or even take offense at her insult; I mean how can I when she’s right?
“Maria, I just want to fix things for the three of you and besides I could use a break to get my shit together.”
“Ok,” she says.
“So I can tell my dad.”
She nods. “But I am sooo not working even one Saturday night,” she adds.
I smile. “I’ll make sure he’s aware of that.”
It seems like some of the tension eases between us as we turn the corner towards English, the only class we share together. And when we enter, I head straight for the back, surprised to see that Maria follows and sits beside me.
“Have you talked to Max?” she asks.
I shake my head. “Not really.” Unless pass the beaker and how many tablespoons of sodium do we need count and I highly think they don’t.
“I’m really worried about him,” she says.
“Why?”
She looks at me like I’m the dumbest person on the planet. “Well, other than what I’ve done.”
“Haven’t you noticed that he barely talks to anyone, just walks around here, his head in his books? “
I shake my head.
She gives me a disturbed look.
“How would I Maria? When he’s doing his best to avoid me.”
“He isn’t even doing his school work, Michael says he’s been skipping gym because the guys in the locker room have been giving him a hard time about what happened between you and Michael,” she glare at me when she says that, “and apparently he saw an F on Max’s math test when they got passed back last week. Michal has tried to talk to him but he wants nothing to do with him.”
So now I know what Michael and Maria have been talking about and it isn’t their relationship. “I had no idea….” I knew he was hurting but I didn’t know things were this bad for him.
“Michael thinks we should go to his parents.”
“Are you going to?” I ask.
She shrugs. “Can’t you talk to him? Apologize or something?”
“I have Maria.” What does she expect me to do? I think that if I try to intervene it would be like a slap in the face to him. “What can I do?”
“I don’t know and I certainly don’t envy you, just thought you should know.” With that the teacher enters, class is about to start and Maria picks up her books and moves a few seats up. I guess we aren’t on the verge of working things out. She only sat with me to tell me about Max. More bad news to add to my never ending cascade of bad days which I don’t see ending anytime soon.
FSU/MSW-94
LairaBehr4
sprayadhesive
xmag
hazz
pookie76
clueless
ShatteredDreamer
ALien_Friend
Sylvia37
Emz80m
roswell3053
tequathisy
Nz_Roswell
ultimatepickupline
Shadowlynxbehr
Part 27 Passing Time
The weeks pass quickly and surprisingly I don’t fall apart. I fill my days with school work, work at the crash and dad.
Michael stays on at the crash and I’m not sure why. Is it because he needs the money or he wants out of Hank and Janet’s house? Either way, things have changed between us and we don’t talk much, not like we used to. It isn’t just him that’s changed, it’s me too. One of the reasons is that I know that we can’t relate to each other the way we have in the past, it just isn’t healthy. The other reason is Maria.
I don’t think what I said to Maria was enough for her to forgive him but I do think it’s given her some things to think about.
I’ve seen them exchange a few odd words at school that appear civilized so I don’t want to mess with that. I figure if Maria saw me with Michael it might just make it worse and if there is one thing I can do for Michael, it’s to leave him alone so he can fix what I have so brilliantly screwed.
I rarely see Max. He doesn’t come into the crash at all, doesn’t walk by just so he can look in and see me. Every day I think today is the day he will, he’ll just feel the “need” to see me but he never does. It’s hard to live in a world where I’m not with Max but what choice do I have? I made my own bed and now I’m sure you all love watching me rot in it.
Max and I still have Biology lab together, he would never ask for a change in partner, he is way to kind for that but words between us are minimal and always limited to the lab work at hand.
Lab time is my salvation; I get to sit with him, smell him, take in everything that is Max. I sneak as many looks at him as I can but I can’t say he does the same back. I just don’t get it, how he can turn things off so quickly. Has he really fallen out of love with me or are his wounds just so deep he can’t even bring himself to look at me?
Whatever his reasons, my bubble bursts the minute the lab is completed; when he grabs his book bag and heads for the exit, not once does he look back.
I feel sorry for my dad. He spends all of this time with me and I feel bad that he is all alone. Today, I’ve decided to rectify that so I go to see Nancy. She’s staying at an apartment right here in town.
“Liz?” she asks with surprise when I come to the door.
“I really need to talk to you.”
She looks at me skeptically, probably thinks I’m about to go ape shit on her. “Please?”
She nods and leads me into her apartment living room. I sit down on the couch across from her and she looks at me with expectation.
“I know things have been rough, that you didn’t want dad to have a child, let alone a troubled child.”
“Liz, look I…” she starts.
“Don’t,” I beg. I don’t want to hear her explain her cruelty away. It’s just more than I can take.
She bites her lips nervously then looks at me. “I was jealous,” she blurts out.
No shit Sherlock.
“When you were little and you’d come to stay he always put your needs first,” she whispers.
“I was a child,” I argue.
“But you weren’t my child.”
No I certainly wasn’t and she’s always been sure to remind me of that. I feel like I’m going to be sick. She could have loved me regardless of whose child I was. She could of….the anger begins to boil. It’s the past I remind myself and that is where I need to keep it. I’m here for a reason.
“I know it sounds crazy Liz, but it was like you were my competition. Logically I knew you weren’t but inside I felt that…. And every time I dragged him away from you, I won.”
I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe she’s admitting something like this.
“You were reaching out to each other again, the way it should be and I couldn’t take it. Part of me was jealous, irrationally jealous, the other part angry at myself for being jealous, because all this stuff you’re going through, I know that I was the cause of some of it. That’s why I left.”
I don’t mean to say it but I do, sob it actually, “What was so bad about me that you couldn’t love me?” I so didn’t want to do this conversation. That is not why I am here.
“See that’s the thing Liz, that I realized while I’ve been here with a clear head. In some ways I do love you.”
Words. They are nothing but words.
“I know it’s hard to believe. I just didn’t think there was a place for two of us but now I see that maybe there was…but not now Liz, you have so many problems and you need your dad…”
“I do need Dad and Dad, he needs you,” I reply. That is after all why I am here.
“What?” she looks at me with confusion.
I look at her coldly. She’s never been one to catch on quickly. “Look, I don’t really like you, Nancy, I mean what you’ve said, come on, doesn’t change the fact that you haven’t been that nice to me but here’s the thing. I’m 17 years old, in a year I’ll hopefully be off to college and one day have my own family, my own life, but dad he will be all alone.”
“What are you saying?” she asks, jaw almost to the floor.
“I’m saying, come back. Be with him. Be with us. It won’t be easy, but I’m willing to make a real effort if you are.”
There are tears in her eyes. “I need to think about it.”
I roll my eyes. I thought she’d jump at the idea but I guess I’m forgetting this is Nancy I’m dealing with. Only she would need to think about this.
I get up and head for the door. ‘Liz,” she yells stopping me. “Does your father know you are here?”
I shake my head ‘No’ and from the look in her eyes I think she has a newfound respect for me.
*************
Dr. Yarrow is proud of me. She feels I’ve made great strides, especially my conversation with Nancy, which she feels was very mature of me.
But later our conversation turns to Max….
“So when you moved here again, Max gave you lots of attention. You became dependent on him,” Dr. Yarrow points out.
Not this crap again. “Max isn’t Sean.” Or is he? Oh god, this can’t be happening.
Dr. Yarrow and I share a look of recognition. “He isn’t Sean. But I’ve made him into him, haven’t I?”
She nods.
“And I’ve never been fair to him, have I?” How many times will my own actions break my own heart?
She shakes her head. “He obviously loves you a lot Liz, a wonderful gift, one I’m not sure you’re ready for.”
Not yet. But one day I hope I will be.
He said he’d never leave me. For the first time I realize that I expected far too much from him.
Then I think about what she said. Does he still love me? Or is there really is no love in him for me anymore?
Does he still love me? It’s a question, I’m not sure I’ll ever know the answer to. All I can do now is focus on getting better.
“So, now that you’re not dependent, are you ready to start to really work?” she asks me.
I nod. She knew it was what I needed all along but I wouldn’t listen.
She starts the ground rules.
“No more boyfriends. No more sexual relationships.”
I nod.
She hands me a flyer. “Here’s something for you to take home and consider tonight.”
****************
I see Maria at her locker and head in her direction. “Hi,” I say when I reach her.
She doesn’t look happy to see me. “Hi Liz,” she says with annoyance.
She closes her locker and starts walking down the hall. “I wanted to talk to you about the crash,” I say as I follow after her.
“What about it?”
“I want you to come back.” Then I add, “I’m giving up my position there.”
She stops surprised and considers this for a moment.”Why?”
“Because Maria, you were there long before my father even took over the place. So if one of us isn’t going to work there anymore it should be me.”
“I can’t deny I’m shocked,” she says and I don’t blame her. “I mean you’re actually thinking of someone else for a change.”
I don’t argue with her on that or even take offense at her insult; I mean how can I when she’s right?
“Maria, I just want to fix things for the three of you and besides I could use a break to get my shit together.”
“Ok,” she says.
“So I can tell my dad.”
She nods. “But I am sooo not working even one Saturday night,” she adds.
I smile. “I’ll make sure he’s aware of that.”
It seems like some of the tension eases between us as we turn the corner towards English, the only class we share together. And when we enter, I head straight for the back, surprised to see that Maria follows and sits beside me.
“Have you talked to Max?” she asks.
I shake my head. “Not really.” Unless pass the beaker and how many tablespoons of sodium do we need count and I highly think they don’t.
“I’m really worried about him,” she says.
“Why?”
She looks at me like I’m the dumbest person on the planet. “Well, other than what I’ve done.”
“Haven’t you noticed that he barely talks to anyone, just walks around here, his head in his books? “
I shake my head.
She gives me a disturbed look.
“How would I Maria? When he’s doing his best to avoid me.”
“He isn’t even doing his school work, Michael says he’s been skipping gym because the guys in the locker room have been giving him a hard time about what happened between you and Michael,” she glare at me when she says that, “and apparently he saw an F on Max’s math test when they got passed back last week. Michal has tried to talk to him but he wants nothing to do with him.”
So now I know what Michael and Maria have been talking about and it isn’t their relationship. “I had no idea….” I knew he was hurting but I didn’t know things were this bad for him.
“Michael thinks we should go to his parents.”
“Are you going to?” I ask.
She shrugs. “Can’t you talk to him? Apologize or something?”
“I have Maria.” What does she expect me to do? I think that if I try to intervene it would be like a slap in the face to him. “What can I do?”
“I don’t know and I certainly don’t envy you, just thought you should know.” With that the teacher enters, class is about to start and Maria picks up her books and moves a few seats up. I guess we aren’t on the verge of working things out. She only sat with me to tell me about Max. More bad news to add to my never ending cascade of bad days which I don’t see ending anytime soon.
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Part 28 - And the ramifications seem to never end
After class I put my stuff in my locker and then make my way down the hall. When I see Tess and her giggling minions, I try to pass by them unnoticed but as you know, I never have good luck. She spots me immediately and comes over to taunt me. Does she ever give up?
“How does it feel, now that Max has dumped you?” she toys with me and viciously I might add. I can almost see the claws.
Usually I can come up with a quick comeback. Usually I can give just as well as I can take, but not today. I want to kick her to where the sun don’t shine but instead I find myself mute, cause anything that has to do with Max, just really really hurts.
Are you happy, Dr. Yarrow? I hurt. I hurt. I hurt!
“Aww, nothing to say in your defense? I must have really hit a nerve,” she giggles. She is so loving this.
I try to push past her, but instead, she pushes me against a locker. My blood begins to boil. How dare she! “He never loved you,” she hisses. “He just felt sorry for you. See that’s always been Max’s thing, since he was adopted and all. He just can’t say no to a freak. And you are the biggest freak of all.”
She’s making it sound like Max didn’t love me and although I know he feels differently now and I know I hurt him, I also believe that he did love me. How dare she try to tarnish that! “You’re one to talk. You slept with Kyle while you were dating him,” having found my voice, I spit back.
“So what. I mean, sure it was bad, but it he wasn’t Max’s best friend. Gotta hand it to you Liz, you know how to kick him where it hurts. Of course, contrary to what you’d expect, Max was really happy about the whole thing.”
Happy? Max was not happy.
“See it gave him a reason to dump you, which he had already wanted to do since day 1.” Again with the giggles.
“That isn’t true.” I whisper. Why am I letting her get to me? This is Tess. She’s just trying to toy with me, get under my skin and its working. I try to remind myself of that as I search desperately for my backbone which has slipped away from me again. I know for a fact that Max loved me. He loved me and I hate having someone else dispute that. I’ve accepted that I’ll never have that love back, but no one can take away what we had in the past, especially Tess harding.
“As if Max could love a freak like this,” she laughs again and her little minions join in like a chorus.
Then suddenly, Tess stops laughing and silence ensues. I think it’s because someone approached us but I can’t see past her to see who. It must be someone mighty important to stop her like that. Then she moves slightly and I see him. Sure enough, he is important. I see Max. A hurt and very angry Max.
“She’s not a freak! And I did love her. Fuck, I still love her!” His eyes meet mine for a split second and then settle on Tess once again.
Max came to my rescue. My heart soars. Wait, did he just say that he still loves me?
“Max?” her face turns white. “I was just…” she tries to explain herself but what can she say. I mean the entire hallway heard what she said. She cowers and looks like she’s praying for the ground to open and swallow her up whole.
“I knew you were mean, but I never thought you could be this mean Tess.” He looks disgusted.
“But Max, I was just standing up for you. She did the unimaginable, sleeping with Michael…”
Now it’s Tess’s turn to be pushed against the locker. I’ve never seen Max so mad. His hand slowly encircles her neck. “What happened between Liz and I is between Liz and I…why everyone else in the school is trying to involve themselves in it, is just so childish, it is beyond me.”
“Well, I just…” she tries again, his grip tightening. “Max, you’re hurting me.
As if snapped out of a trance, he lets go, drops his hand and steps back, looking as though he is afraid of himself and what he almost did.
He looks at her again but refuses to make eye contact with me. “The difference between you and Liz is that you never cared if you hurt me, Liz – she may of hurt me, but she sure as hell didn’t mean to.” With that last comment he takes off down the hall.
Tess looks at her little minions with a red face and then to me. “I suppose you want to gloat now?” she asks.
“No,” I say as I push past her and take off down the hall. What I want is to make sure I’m not dreaming. I want to hear Max Evans tell me one more time that he loves me.
*********
He’s going at quite the clip, so I don’t catch up to him until the parking lot, in front of his jeep.
“Max,” I call out and he turns in my direction. “Thanks,” I say out of breathe. “For standing up for me.”
“You didn’t deserve the things she was saying about you,” he says, but I notice he doesn’t make eye contact with me. Instead he turns back towards the jeep.
“Max?” I say, stopping him but he doesn’t turn to face me. He can’t just say something as monumental as that and just leave. Why won’t he look at me?
“Ya?” he sounds exhausted. I can tell her really doesn’t want to talk to me.
“You said you still loved me.” I know I’m stating the obvious here and I really don’t know what I’m hoping to gain from this statement. I guess I just want to hear him say it and that he wants to get back together with me. I mean if he still loves me, it is only logical, right? So not right, not right at all. What he says, floors me.
He turns and this time he does look at me, and his eyes are sader than any eyes I have ever seen. I want to wrap my arms around him and hold him, but the distance between us, it’s like we are a continent apart, and a step or two just won’t bridge that gap. I know I hurt him but it’s like this is the first time I can see how much.
“Liz. I did love you. I still love you, but that doesn’t mean….” He trails off and I see a look of regret in his eyes. My heart sinks.
“I’m always going to see it, you and him, when I’m around you. I’m never going to forget it. It’s always going to hurt. So I just can’t… be with you.”
The tears are coming, I can feel them, but I won’t let them fall. I can’t. I need this to be about him.
“Can we be friends?” I ask. The only time I have with him now is in Biology lab and summer is fast approaching. I’d rather have a “Hi, how are you,” sort of thing with him over the summer, so at least I can check up on him, make sure he is ok.
He winces at the statement, so I guess the friends thing is out. “I need time Liz.” He gets into his jeep and I walk over to the side and look at him. “But Max,” I protest.
“What part of this don’t you understand?” he yells.
“It isn’t that. It’s….I’m worried. You don’t talk to anyone anymore, your school work is falling.”
He gives me a look that asks, ‘how exactly, do you know about my school work?’
“Maria told me,” I admit. “She and Michael are worried about you. So am I.”
“Liz, I’m fine,” he argues.
“You aren’t fine,” I protest. “And I can’t help but think about that year at camp and,” god, I’m afraid to say it, “And what you were planning to do.”
He lets out a laugh that scares me. It isn’t the way you’d laugh after one of Kyle’s lame pick up lines or the way you’d laugh having good times with friends. It’s bitter and jaded and I hate to say villainous, but that’s the only real way I can describe it. And that scares me, because none of those things describe Max.
“I’m not going to kill myself Liz,” he assures me, looking royally pissed off at the suggestion.
I nod, grateful at his promise. “Michael and Maria are there for you, don’t shut them out. If you need someone to blame, blame me, but you need someone to talk to.”
His amber eyes meet mine once again. “No Liz, what I need, is for all of you to let me be.” With that he pulls out of the parking lot, leaving me standing behind staring after him.
I know you all hate me right now. But what do you want me to do, cut myself, drink myself into oblivion? Well, I won’t because I’m not doing those things anymore. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to. I hurt the one person I love and all I want to do is just block it out
And you know what the worst part is? Sean and Mom and all the horrible things that have happened to me, I can live with the memories of. What I can’t live with is the memory of what I did to Max. I know overtime we are supposed to learn to forgive ourselves, stop looking back, but I’m not sure that I can, nor that I’ll ever be able to. Hurting someone hurts a million times more than being hurt yourself. Believe me, I know cause I am now the poster girl.
***********
When I walk through the Crash down on days that Maria is working, I usually walk quickly and head straight upstairs. She seems happier now, I often catch her and Michael laughing together out of the corner of my eye and I don’t want to mess with that.
But today, I decide to stop and fill Maria in on my conversation with Max. I know she was worried and I hope it will make her feel better.
She gives me a quizzical look when I come around the back of the counter. “Don’t freak out,” I tell her,”I just need to tell you something. It’s about Max.”
“Ok,” she says apprehensively. “I heard about school today.”
“ya, well I talked to him after….”
“And,” she asks.
“And he’s doing ok. He just needs some space, but he’s not going to do anything stupid,” I explain.
Michael hears me and comes out to talk to me. He looks at me uncomfortably and Maria eyes the two of us closely, probably looking for signs that we're still playing with each other in the sack or long to, neither of which is true.
“You really think he’s ok?” he asks.
I nod my head. “I really think that he needs you.”
“Max will never talk to me again.”
“I think he will,” I tell him.
“So do I,” Maria adds and we both look at her surprised. “What?” she asks. “I’m talking to you both again and Max is way more forgiving than I am.”
It’s nice, what she’s said, it really is. But it isn’t the same as before and it never will be. That’s what happens when you fuck up the lives of your boyfriend and only two friends. The pain and torture never end.
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Part 28 - And the ramifications seem to never end
After class I put my stuff in my locker and then make my way down the hall. When I see Tess and her giggling minions, I try to pass by them unnoticed but as you know, I never have good luck. She spots me immediately and comes over to taunt me. Does she ever give up?
“How does it feel, now that Max has dumped you?” she toys with me and viciously I might add. I can almost see the claws.
Usually I can come up with a quick comeback. Usually I can give just as well as I can take, but not today. I want to kick her to where the sun don’t shine but instead I find myself mute, cause anything that has to do with Max, just really really hurts.
Are you happy, Dr. Yarrow? I hurt. I hurt. I hurt!
“Aww, nothing to say in your defense? I must have really hit a nerve,” she giggles. She is so loving this.
I try to push past her, but instead, she pushes me against a locker. My blood begins to boil. How dare she! “He never loved you,” she hisses. “He just felt sorry for you. See that’s always been Max’s thing, since he was adopted and all. He just can’t say no to a freak. And you are the biggest freak of all.”
She’s making it sound like Max didn’t love me and although I know he feels differently now and I know I hurt him, I also believe that he did love me. How dare she try to tarnish that! “You’re one to talk. You slept with Kyle while you were dating him,” having found my voice, I spit back.
“So what. I mean, sure it was bad, but it he wasn’t Max’s best friend. Gotta hand it to you Liz, you know how to kick him where it hurts. Of course, contrary to what you’d expect, Max was really happy about the whole thing.”
Happy? Max was not happy.
“See it gave him a reason to dump you, which he had already wanted to do since day 1.” Again with the giggles.
“That isn’t true.” I whisper. Why am I letting her get to me? This is Tess. She’s just trying to toy with me, get under my skin and its working. I try to remind myself of that as I search desperately for my backbone which has slipped away from me again. I know for a fact that Max loved me. He loved me and I hate having someone else dispute that. I’ve accepted that I’ll never have that love back, but no one can take away what we had in the past, especially Tess harding.
“As if Max could love a freak like this,” she laughs again and her little minions join in like a chorus.
Then suddenly, Tess stops laughing and silence ensues. I think it’s because someone approached us but I can’t see past her to see who. It must be someone mighty important to stop her like that. Then she moves slightly and I see him. Sure enough, he is important. I see Max. A hurt and very angry Max.
“She’s not a freak! And I did love her. Fuck, I still love her!” His eyes meet mine for a split second and then settle on Tess once again.
Max came to my rescue. My heart soars. Wait, did he just say that he still loves me?
“Max?” her face turns white. “I was just…” she tries to explain herself but what can she say. I mean the entire hallway heard what she said. She cowers and looks like she’s praying for the ground to open and swallow her up whole.
“I knew you were mean, but I never thought you could be this mean Tess.” He looks disgusted.
“But Max, I was just standing up for you. She did the unimaginable, sleeping with Michael…”
Now it’s Tess’s turn to be pushed against the locker. I’ve never seen Max so mad. His hand slowly encircles her neck. “What happened between Liz and I is between Liz and I…why everyone else in the school is trying to involve themselves in it, is just so childish, it is beyond me.”
“Well, I just…” she tries again, his grip tightening. “Max, you’re hurting me.
As if snapped out of a trance, he lets go, drops his hand and steps back, looking as though he is afraid of himself and what he almost did.
He looks at her again but refuses to make eye contact with me. “The difference between you and Liz is that you never cared if you hurt me, Liz – she may of hurt me, but she sure as hell didn’t mean to.” With that last comment he takes off down the hall.
Tess looks at her little minions with a red face and then to me. “I suppose you want to gloat now?” she asks.
“No,” I say as I push past her and take off down the hall. What I want is to make sure I’m not dreaming. I want to hear Max Evans tell me one more time that he loves me.
*********
He’s going at quite the clip, so I don’t catch up to him until the parking lot, in front of his jeep.
“Max,” I call out and he turns in my direction. “Thanks,” I say out of breathe. “For standing up for me.”
“You didn’t deserve the things she was saying about you,” he says, but I notice he doesn’t make eye contact with me. Instead he turns back towards the jeep.
“Max?” I say, stopping him but he doesn’t turn to face me. He can’t just say something as monumental as that and just leave. Why won’t he look at me?
“Ya?” he sounds exhausted. I can tell her really doesn’t want to talk to me.
“You said you still loved me.” I know I’m stating the obvious here and I really don’t know what I’m hoping to gain from this statement. I guess I just want to hear him say it and that he wants to get back together with me. I mean if he still loves me, it is only logical, right? So not right, not right at all. What he says, floors me.
He turns and this time he does look at me, and his eyes are sader than any eyes I have ever seen. I want to wrap my arms around him and hold him, but the distance between us, it’s like we are a continent apart, and a step or two just won’t bridge that gap. I know I hurt him but it’s like this is the first time I can see how much.
“Liz. I did love you. I still love you, but that doesn’t mean….” He trails off and I see a look of regret in his eyes. My heart sinks.
“I’m always going to see it, you and him, when I’m around you. I’m never going to forget it. It’s always going to hurt. So I just can’t… be with you.”
The tears are coming, I can feel them, but I won’t let them fall. I can’t. I need this to be about him.
“Can we be friends?” I ask. The only time I have with him now is in Biology lab and summer is fast approaching. I’d rather have a “Hi, how are you,” sort of thing with him over the summer, so at least I can check up on him, make sure he is ok.
He winces at the statement, so I guess the friends thing is out. “I need time Liz.” He gets into his jeep and I walk over to the side and look at him. “But Max,” I protest.
“What part of this don’t you understand?” he yells.
“It isn’t that. It’s….I’m worried. You don’t talk to anyone anymore, your school work is falling.”
He gives me a look that asks, ‘how exactly, do you know about my school work?’
“Maria told me,” I admit. “She and Michael are worried about you. So am I.”
“Liz, I’m fine,” he argues.
“You aren’t fine,” I protest. “And I can’t help but think about that year at camp and,” god, I’m afraid to say it, “And what you were planning to do.”
He lets out a laugh that scares me. It isn’t the way you’d laugh after one of Kyle’s lame pick up lines or the way you’d laugh having good times with friends. It’s bitter and jaded and I hate to say villainous, but that’s the only real way I can describe it. And that scares me, because none of those things describe Max.
“I’m not going to kill myself Liz,” he assures me, looking royally pissed off at the suggestion.
I nod, grateful at his promise. “Michael and Maria are there for you, don’t shut them out. If you need someone to blame, blame me, but you need someone to talk to.”
His amber eyes meet mine once again. “No Liz, what I need, is for all of you to let me be.” With that he pulls out of the parking lot, leaving me standing behind staring after him.
I know you all hate me right now. But what do you want me to do, cut myself, drink myself into oblivion? Well, I won’t because I’m not doing those things anymore. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to. I hurt the one person I love and all I want to do is just block it out
And you know what the worst part is? Sean and Mom and all the horrible things that have happened to me, I can live with the memories of. What I can’t live with is the memory of what I did to Max. I know overtime we are supposed to learn to forgive ourselves, stop looking back, but I’m not sure that I can, nor that I’ll ever be able to. Hurting someone hurts a million times more than being hurt yourself. Believe me, I know cause I am now the poster girl.
***********
When I walk through the Crash down on days that Maria is working, I usually walk quickly and head straight upstairs. She seems happier now, I often catch her and Michael laughing together out of the corner of my eye and I don’t want to mess with that.
But today, I decide to stop and fill Maria in on my conversation with Max. I know she was worried and I hope it will make her feel better.
She gives me a quizzical look when I come around the back of the counter. “Don’t freak out,” I tell her,”I just need to tell you something. It’s about Max.”
“Ok,” she says apprehensively. “I heard about school today.”
“ya, well I talked to him after….”
“And,” she asks.
“And he’s doing ok. He just needs some space, but he’s not going to do anything stupid,” I explain.
Michael hears me and comes out to talk to me. He looks at me uncomfortably and Maria eyes the two of us closely, probably looking for signs that we're still playing with each other in the sack or long to, neither of which is true.
“You really think he’s ok?” he asks.
I nod my head. “I really think that he needs you.”
“Max will never talk to me again.”
“I think he will,” I tell him.
“So do I,” Maria adds and we both look at her surprised. “What?” she asks. “I’m talking to you both again and Max is way more forgiving than I am.”
It’s nice, what she’s said, it really is. But it isn’t the same as before and it never will be. That’s what happens when you fuck up the lives of your boyfriend and only two friends. The pain and torture never end.
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Part 29 - Reality is cold
It’s been five days since Max assured me he was okay, he wouldn’t hurt himself, but that he didn’t want to be friends. And I haven’t heard from him since. What did I expect? That he’d suddenly change his mind and serenade me at my window? My mistake, it wasn’t like all of the others, a few harsh words that I could beg back with sweet ones. It was a crime. Betrayal with best friend. They make movies about that sort of thing.
I know the chance that Max and I will ever be friends is slim to none. And even though I know I deserve it, it still stings every time I pass him in the hall and see what I’m missing out on. Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t have to see him to know that. I think about it at least 50 minutes of each hour. I’d think about him the whole 60 if I could but the other ten are spent trying to get my life together. No boys. No sex. Lots of therapy and certainly no cutting. And so far so good.
It’s been five days since Maria finally talked to me, even though it was about her concern for Max and nothing else. Five days since I asked Nancy to move back in with dad and me, but she hasn’t moved back, hasn’t even picked up the phone.
Dad and I are eating breakfast. Freshly squeezed orange juice and waffles. We trade sections of the paper in silence. It’s become tradition since Nancy left. Dad seems so lonely. I wish Nancy would come back.
“Liz, can you work the benefit this weekend?” Dad asks me, as he passes me the funnies. There’s this charity even in Roswell. Anyone who’s anyone by Roswell standards will be there and dad’s agreed to cater it. It’s to raise money for the children’s hospital and of course like everything else in this town, it’s alien themed.
“Umm…” I stutter for a moment.
“I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t absolutely need you. Candace threw her back out again…” he trails off.
I would love to do it. I have no friends remember, which equates to mucho free time. Plus it would take my mind off of Max for a little while. I just know that Maria is working the function as well and I quit the crash so that she would take her job back. Oh, what the hell.
“Sure dad. But I need to make sure it’s okay with Maria.”
He gives me one of those quizzical father looks. “I wish you’d tell me what happened between the two of you.”
Ha! Well dad, I fucked her boyfriend. Like I’m gonna tell him that.
“Just a stupid fight about nothing.” Truth is that I secretly like him being nosy. It shows that he’s taking an interest in my life. It’s about time!
He raises his eyebrows in question. “If it’s about nothing, why haven’t you made up?”
“Because we’re normal hormonal teenagers?” I offer as an explanation.
We both laugh. I mean come on, you can’t exactly argue with that.
“Nice try,” he says, as he passes me the comic section of the paper.
*************
It’s the end of the school day and I approach Maria, just as she’s grabbing her coat from her locker.
“Hi.” I never know what to expect from her. I mean things are slightly better between us but we won’t be heading for friendship anytime in this millennium.
“Hey, Liz.”
She closes her locker and starts to walk down the hall. I follow after her.
“I’m meeting Michael,” she says matter of factly.
“Really? You’re back together?” I ask, hopefully.
She flashes me a look of disbelief. “Nope.”
I knew it was too much to hope for, but if they got back together, I wouldn’t feel like I’d ruined so many lives.
“He wanted to talk, so I said I’d give him twenty minutes. I mean he’s sent me flowers, chocolates and asked me at least a dozen times.”
“That’s good, right?” I ask.
She shrugs. “We’ll see.”
I can’t help but smile.
She stops walking. “So, did you want something Liz?” In other words, we aren’t friends, so why am I hanging around. My heart slumps in my chest. I never thought I’d actually say it, but I really wish Maria and I could be friends. Michael was right about her. Once you get past the whole neediness things, she isn’t half bad. And the funny thing is that she isn’t really so needy anymore.
“Yeah. Dad asked me to work the function this weekend. I know I said I wouldn’t work at the Crash and I still mean that, but he really needs me for this event.”
“It’s not a problem, Liz. See you Saturday.” With that, she takes off down the hall. It’s funny really. Months ago, Maria was emotionally eruptive, insecure and always looking for attention. Now, she has both Michael and I at her beck and call. Things can change in the blink of an eye.
I pass Max. He’s putting his books into his locker and doesn’t see me. Why is it that everything around me is changing except for the one thing that really matters?
*******************
The benefit is packed. Maria, Michael and I are serving and things between us aren’t awkward at all. There’s no time for it to be awkward. The bitchy house wives are skunk drunk and we haven’t even served the lunch yet. Then there’s the old ladies who keep sending me off on wild goose chases for everything but the kitchen sink. I’m about to cry. Umm, hello, this is supposed to be a charity event. How about sending a little of that charity my way.
There is one thing that is a little difficult though. Max is here. He’s sitting with his parents and dressed in a suit. God he looks cute and he hasn’t seen me yet. I take the opportunity to stare. Really stare. God, he’s just too perfect for…
“Excuse me,” a teenager crones, snapping me out of my Max filled gaze. “I asked for water without ice.” I turn to see Tess, staring at me, a look of smugness on her face.
I take the glass from her, and will myself to maintain some control. Since my dad is catering, I really don’t want to cause a scene. “Of course, Tess,” I say through gritted teeth. I look back at Max. He’s laughing with his mom and dad over something. It’s nice to see him smile again.
“Oh, and Liz?” she asks.
“Yeah.”
“He’s mine. Don’t even think about it.”
I want to say, ‘oh, yeah, we’ll just see about that,’ but the I remember I probably have about the same chance of ever dating Max again that Tess does. Zero. So what’s there really to say?
I stick my tongue out at her. It doesn’t give me much satisfaction but it’s better than nothing. What a spoiled bitch!
When I get back to the bar, Maria is filling up a tray with drinks. “Max is here,” she says with a coy smile.
“I know.” I grab her tray. “If I deliver these, will you bring some water, no ice to the gerbil? There’s no way I can do it without pouring it all over her pretty little head,” I beg of her.
“I don’t know if I can resist it either. But I’ll try,” Maria says as she grabs a glass. “Oh, what if I dipped it in the toilet first.”
“Maria!” I laugh! “You’re so bad.”
“I learned from the best,” she says with a wink, as she fills the glass at the sink. I grab the tray of pop and head out into the banquet hall. A compliment from Maria. Maybe, just maybe, there is a chance we can be friends once again.
**************
We’re serving the main meal now. Roasted chicken, rice pilaf and steamed asparagus with a lemon sauce. Michael was nice enough to let me serve Max’s table.
As I head towards it, with a tray of meals in my hand, Max looks up and our eyes finally meet. I don’t know whether to smile or what until I see his expression.
“Liz,” Mrs. Evans says with a smile. “We didn’t know you were working here today.”
“My dad’s catering,” I explain as I serve the food. Max smiles when I place his plate in front of him. “Hi, Max,” I smile back.
“Is there anything else I can get you?” I ask the three of them.
“No, Liz. This is perfect,” Mrs. Evans replies.
Wow. The only three guests in the place that are normal. I actually wish they had more demands, so I could stick around a little longer. I flash Max one last smile and move on.
When I head into the kitchen for my next tray of food, I find Maria and Michael, standing very very close to each other. In fact their mouths are only inches away. Are they going to…
“Liz,” Maria shrieks, jumping a foot away from Michael.
“Not expecting me?” I laugh.
“Well, we thought you’d be….”
“Working?”
“Working. Exactly,” she repeats.
“And I’ve got to get to work,” Michael says and takes off for the dining room.
Maria looks at me guiltily. What does she have to be guilty about? It’s my fault that she and Michael broke up. And if they’re back together, well, of course I’m their biggest cheerleader.
“Maria. What you and Michael do is none of my business. In fact if you were back together….”
“Ice,” she blurts out.
“What?”
“Your father wanted ice from the freezer.”
“Okay.” Why is she acting so strange?
“Lots and lots of it.” She pushes me towards the freezer. It’s one of those big rooms that’s an actual freezer.
I’m bending over to pick up some bags of ice, when a voice startles me.
“Liz?” It’s Max.
I drop one of the bags. “What’s going on?”
“Michael said you needed to see me.”
He did? What the hell is going on? Max takes another step towards me and then the freezer door slams shut. We’re locked in.
We both run towards the door. Max tries to open it with no luck. I bang on it. “Maria! Michael!”
“Save your breath,” Max says.
“Are you crazy? It’s fucking freezing in here!”
“They can’t hear us.”
“OMG! Those jerks!” I say but can’t help but smile at when they are trying to do.
“Earlier I thought I saw them about to kiss, but they were acting so weird, I think they were actually….”
“Planning this?” he finishes for me.
“They really want us to get back together I guess.” I laugh.
“Yeah.”
We both take a seat on the floor.
“But, I totally know that won’t happen Max. So don’t worry. Once we’re out of here, I’ll tell them to back off.”
“You do know that it won’t?” he asks me and I wonder what he’s getting at.
“Well, you said you didn’t even want to be friends,” I add.
“Yeah, I did say that.” But he doesn’t say if he still means it. Damn you Max Evans for getting my hopes up!
I shiver. It’s so freezing. “Here,” he says, removing his dinner jacket. “Take this.” He wraps it around my shoulders.
“Thanks.” We stare at each other for a moment.
“No problem.” That’s Max Evans. Chivalrous and kind, even when he’s in a room with the woman who tore his heart out and stomped on it. There’s no way I could ever stop loving this man.
We sit in silence for about ten minutes. I’m starting to worry and I’m much much colder.
“How long do you think they’ll keep us in here?”
“They know we’ll be cold. Not much longer, Liz.”
He looks at me as if studying me. “So you’re doing much better?”
“How’d you…”
“Michael.”
“I didn’t think you two were on talking terms.”’
“He’s come by a few times. Keeps apologizing. But I don’t know….” He just shakes his head.
“It’s like one giant nightmare.”
He nods. “I’m sorry Max. For everything. I know it’s my fault. 100% my fault, but please know I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know, Liz. But somehow that just makes it hurt worse.”
I know exactly what he’s talking about.
“Because I love you so much…..this was a real wake-up call for me. It’s pushed me to work harder with my therapist. As you said I am doing better. I can’t remember the last time I cut.” Okay, I can remember, of course I do, but the point is that it’s been a long time.
“I’m glad.”
“No boys. No sex. I’m just focusing on me.”
When I say the word sex he flinches.
“I’m sorry, Max. I just wasn’t thinking.”
He clenches his hands into a fist. “Did I really make you feel like a whore?”
I turn towards him, pain in my eyes. “It wasn’t you who did. It was Sean. And then when I was with you…”
Now his anger flares. “But not when you were with Michael, or Tommy or whoever else you gave your body too…” he spits.
“I gave my heart to Sean. I felt vulnerable and he only used me for it, Max.”
“I never used you.”
“No, but I loved you. Don’t you get it? That’s what made me feel vulnerable. With the others, I didn’t want or need them. I was in total control.”
“We should never have had sex.”
“You’re right. But that was my fault. I should have stopped it, but I didn’t know how. I’m so used to using my body as a way to get love, and as a way to feel numb…basically to express myself in some way….”
“I would have loved you forever, even without the sex, Liz….”
“You know what Max? I actually believe that.” God life can be a cruel joke, sometimes. I had the perfect man and I royally screwed it up.
I’m really shaking now. Max moves closer and puts his arms around me to keep me warm. The door opens. Maria and Michael are standing on the other side.
“I knew it would work,” Maria beams. But Max, gets up and darts out of the freezer. At least I got to tell him I was sorry again.
Michael goes after him. Maria helps me up and out of the freezer. “You worked things out right. You were in close proximity.”
I shake my head at her. “Max loves me. But I hurt him, Maria. Beyond repair. I know you mean well, but doing stuff like this is just gonna hurt him more. Promise me you won’t.”
She nods, sadly.
Dessert is over and now it’s time for clean up.
“I’m gonna go start clearing plates.”
She nods. “Nothing is ever beyond repair,” she whispers after me.
I only wish that was true as I clear plates, feeling Max’s eyes on me the whole time. Sure enough, I look up and he’s staring at me. It’s a deep penetrating stare and I have no idea what it means. He can see through me, can’t he? That as far as I’ve come, there’s still a part of me that’s damaged and dirty and totally beyond repair. Then I hear it.
You’re my little whore.
Will I ever be free of the demon?
I need some air.
****************
Later at home, tucked safely inside my room, I finally let out the ball of tears that has been whirling around inside of me.
I know I have to move forward and get better, but I don’t want to do it without Max. I still need Max. I know I shouldn’t. I know it isn’t healthy, but I want Max and once again it’s like I need him just to breathe.
But it’s too late. He loves me, but it’s too late. I screwed up. The hurt in his eyes will always be there, every time he sees me. Suddenly I feel the reality of where I've been, where I am now and where I'm likely headed and let me tell you, it's dark and hard and cold.
So, I do something I haven’t done in a long time. I grab my lamp and take off the shade. Then I throw the bulb onto the floor, smashing it into pieces. I pick up the largest piece I can find and settle down onto the floor as I stare at it, in the palm of my hand.
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Part 29 - Reality is cold
It’s been five days since Max assured me he was okay, he wouldn’t hurt himself, but that he didn’t want to be friends. And I haven’t heard from him since. What did I expect? That he’d suddenly change his mind and serenade me at my window? My mistake, it wasn’t like all of the others, a few harsh words that I could beg back with sweet ones. It was a crime. Betrayal with best friend. They make movies about that sort of thing.
I know the chance that Max and I will ever be friends is slim to none. And even though I know I deserve it, it still stings every time I pass him in the hall and see what I’m missing out on. Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t have to see him to know that. I think about it at least 50 minutes of each hour. I’d think about him the whole 60 if I could but the other ten are spent trying to get my life together. No boys. No sex. Lots of therapy and certainly no cutting. And so far so good.
It’s been five days since Maria finally talked to me, even though it was about her concern for Max and nothing else. Five days since I asked Nancy to move back in with dad and me, but she hasn’t moved back, hasn’t even picked up the phone.
Dad and I are eating breakfast. Freshly squeezed orange juice and waffles. We trade sections of the paper in silence. It’s become tradition since Nancy left. Dad seems so lonely. I wish Nancy would come back.
“Liz, can you work the benefit this weekend?” Dad asks me, as he passes me the funnies. There’s this charity even in Roswell. Anyone who’s anyone by Roswell standards will be there and dad’s agreed to cater it. It’s to raise money for the children’s hospital and of course like everything else in this town, it’s alien themed.
“Umm…” I stutter for a moment.
“I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t absolutely need you. Candace threw her back out again…” he trails off.
I would love to do it. I have no friends remember, which equates to mucho free time. Plus it would take my mind off of Max for a little while. I just know that Maria is working the function as well and I quit the crash so that she would take her job back. Oh, what the hell.
“Sure dad. But I need to make sure it’s okay with Maria.”
He gives me one of those quizzical father looks. “I wish you’d tell me what happened between the two of you.”
Ha! Well dad, I fucked her boyfriend. Like I’m gonna tell him that.
“Just a stupid fight about nothing.” Truth is that I secretly like him being nosy. It shows that he’s taking an interest in my life. It’s about time!
He raises his eyebrows in question. “If it’s about nothing, why haven’t you made up?”
“Because we’re normal hormonal teenagers?” I offer as an explanation.
We both laugh. I mean come on, you can’t exactly argue with that.
“Nice try,” he says, as he passes me the comic section of the paper.
*************
It’s the end of the school day and I approach Maria, just as she’s grabbing her coat from her locker.
“Hi.” I never know what to expect from her. I mean things are slightly better between us but we won’t be heading for friendship anytime in this millennium.
“Hey, Liz.”
She closes her locker and starts to walk down the hall. I follow after her.
“I’m meeting Michael,” she says matter of factly.
“Really? You’re back together?” I ask, hopefully.
She flashes me a look of disbelief. “Nope.”
I knew it was too much to hope for, but if they got back together, I wouldn’t feel like I’d ruined so many lives.
“He wanted to talk, so I said I’d give him twenty minutes. I mean he’s sent me flowers, chocolates and asked me at least a dozen times.”
“That’s good, right?” I ask.
She shrugs. “We’ll see.”
I can’t help but smile.
She stops walking. “So, did you want something Liz?” In other words, we aren’t friends, so why am I hanging around. My heart slumps in my chest. I never thought I’d actually say it, but I really wish Maria and I could be friends. Michael was right about her. Once you get past the whole neediness things, she isn’t half bad. And the funny thing is that she isn’t really so needy anymore.
“Yeah. Dad asked me to work the function this weekend. I know I said I wouldn’t work at the Crash and I still mean that, but he really needs me for this event.”
“It’s not a problem, Liz. See you Saturday.” With that, she takes off down the hall. It’s funny really. Months ago, Maria was emotionally eruptive, insecure and always looking for attention. Now, she has both Michael and I at her beck and call. Things can change in the blink of an eye.
I pass Max. He’s putting his books into his locker and doesn’t see me. Why is it that everything around me is changing except for the one thing that really matters?
*******************
The benefit is packed. Maria, Michael and I are serving and things between us aren’t awkward at all. There’s no time for it to be awkward. The bitchy house wives are skunk drunk and we haven’t even served the lunch yet. Then there’s the old ladies who keep sending me off on wild goose chases for everything but the kitchen sink. I’m about to cry. Umm, hello, this is supposed to be a charity event. How about sending a little of that charity my way.
There is one thing that is a little difficult though. Max is here. He’s sitting with his parents and dressed in a suit. God he looks cute and he hasn’t seen me yet. I take the opportunity to stare. Really stare. God, he’s just too perfect for…
“Excuse me,” a teenager crones, snapping me out of my Max filled gaze. “I asked for water without ice.” I turn to see Tess, staring at me, a look of smugness on her face.
I take the glass from her, and will myself to maintain some control. Since my dad is catering, I really don’t want to cause a scene. “Of course, Tess,” I say through gritted teeth. I look back at Max. He’s laughing with his mom and dad over something. It’s nice to see him smile again.
“Oh, and Liz?” she asks.
“Yeah.”
“He’s mine. Don’t even think about it.”
I want to say, ‘oh, yeah, we’ll just see about that,’ but the I remember I probably have about the same chance of ever dating Max again that Tess does. Zero. So what’s there really to say?
I stick my tongue out at her. It doesn’t give me much satisfaction but it’s better than nothing. What a spoiled bitch!
When I get back to the bar, Maria is filling up a tray with drinks. “Max is here,” she says with a coy smile.
“I know.” I grab her tray. “If I deliver these, will you bring some water, no ice to the gerbil? There’s no way I can do it without pouring it all over her pretty little head,” I beg of her.
“I don’t know if I can resist it either. But I’ll try,” Maria says as she grabs a glass. “Oh, what if I dipped it in the toilet first.”
“Maria!” I laugh! “You’re so bad.”
“I learned from the best,” she says with a wink, as she fills the glass at the sink. I grab the tray of pop and head out into the banquet hall. A compliment from Maria. Maybe, just maybe, there is a chance we can be friends once again.
**************
We’re serving the main meal now. Roasted chicken, rice pilaf and steamed asparagus with a lemon sauce. Michael was nice enough to let me serve Max’s table.
As I head towards it, with a tray of meals in my hand, Max looks up and our eyes finally meet. I don’t know whether to smile or what until I see his expression.
“Liz,” Mrs. Evans says with a smile. “We didn’t know you were working here today.”
“My dad’s catering,” I explain as I serve the food. Max smiles when I place his plate in front of him. “Hi, Max,” I smile back.
“Is there anything else I can get you?” I ask the three of them.
“No, Liz. This is perfect,” Mrs. Evans replies.
Wow. The only three guests in the place that are normal. I actually wish they had more demands, so I could stick around a little longer. I flash Max one last smile and move on.
When I head into the kitchen for my next tray of food, I find Maria and Michael, standing very very close to each other. In fact their mouths are only inches away. Are they going to…
“Liz,” Maria shrieks, jumping a foot away from Michael.
“Not expecting me?” I laugh.
“Well, we thought you’d be….”
“Working?”
“Working. Exactly,” she repeats.
“And I’ve got to get to work,” Michael says and takes off for the dining room.
Maria looks at me guiltily. What does she have to be guilty about? It’s my fault that she and Michael broke up. And if they’re back together, well, of course I’m their biggest cheerleader.
“Maria. What you and Michael do is none of my business. In fact if you were back together….”
“Ice,” she blurts out.
“What?”
“Your father wanted ice from the freezer.”
“Okay.” Why is she acting so strange?
“Lots and lots of it.” She pushes me towards the freezer. It’s one of those big rooms that’s an actual freezer.
I’m bending over to pick up some bags of ice, when a voice startles me.
“Liz?” It’s Max.
I drop one of the bags. “What’s going on?”
“Michael said you needed to see me.”
He did? What the hell is going on? Max takes another step towards me and then the freezer door slams shut. We’re locked in.
We both run towards the door. Max tries to open it with no luck. I bang on it. “Maria! Michael!”
“Save your breath,” Max says.
“Are you crazy? It’s fucking freezing in here!”
“They can’t hear us.”
“OMG! Those jerks!” I say but can’t help but smile at when they are trying to do.
“Earlier I thought I saw them about to kiss, but they were acting so weird, I think they were actually….”
“Planning this?” he finishes for me.
“They really want us to get back together I guess.” I laugh.
“Yeah.”
We both take a seat on the floor.
“But, I totally know that won’t happen Max. So don’t worry. Once we’re out of here, I’ll tell them to back off.”
“You do know that it won’t?” he asks me and I wonder what he’s getting at.
“Well, you said you didn’t even want to be friends,” I add.
“Yeah, I did say that.” But he doesn’t say if he still means it. Damn you Max Evans for getting my hopes up!
I shiver. It’s so freezing. “Here,” he says, removing his dinner jacket. “Take this.” He wraps it around my shoulders.
“Thanks.” We stare at each other for a moment.
“No problem.” That’s Max Evans. Chivalrous and kind, even when he’s in a room with the woman who tore his heart out and stomped on it. There’s no way I could ever stop loving this man.
We sit in silence for about ten minutes. I’m starting to worry and I’m much much colder.
“How long do you think they’ll keep us in here?”
“They know we’ll be cold. Not much longer, Liz.”
He looks at me as if studying me. “So you’re doing much better?”
“How’d you…”
“Michael.”
“I didn’t think you two were on talking terms.”’
“He’s come by a few times. Keeps apologizing. But I don’t know….” He just shakes his head.
“It’s like one giant nightmare.”
He nods. “I’m sorry Max. For everything. I know it’s my fault. 100% my fault, but please know I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“I know, Liz. But somehow that just makes it hurt worse.”
I know exactly what he’s talking about.
“Because I love you so much…..this was a real wake-up call for me. It’s pushed me to work harder with my therapist. As you said I am doing better. I can’t remember the last time I cut.” Okay, I can remember, of course I do, but the point is that it’s been a long time.
“I’m glad.”
“No boys. No sex. I’m just focusing on me.”
When I say the word sex he flinches.
“I’m sorry, Max. I just wasn’t thinking.”
He clenches his hands into a fist. “Did I really make you feel like a whore?”
I turn towards him, pain in my eyes. “It wasn’t you who did. It was Sean. And then when I was with you…”
Now his anger flares. “But not when you were with Michael, or Tommy or whoever else you gave your body too…” he spits.
“I gave my heart to Sean. I felt vulnerable and he only used me for it, Max.”
“I never used you.”
“No, but I loved you. Don’t you get it? That’s what made me feel vulnerable. With the others, I didn’t want or need them. I was in total control.”
“We should never have had sex.”
“You’re right. But that was my fault. I should have stopped it, but I didn’t know how. I’m so used to using my body as a way to get love, and as a way to feel numb…basically to express myself in some way….”
“I would have loved you forever, even without the sex, Liz….”
“You know what Max? I actually believe that.” God life can be a cruel joke, sometimes. I had the perfect man and I royally screwed it up.
I’m really shaking now. Max moves closer and puts his arms around me to keep me warm. The door opens. Maria and Michael are standing on the other side.
“I knew it would work,” Maria beams. But Max, gets up and darts out of the freezer. At least I got to tell him I was sorry again.
Michael goes after him. Maria helps me up and out of the freezer. “You worked things out right. You were in close proximity.”
I shake my head at her. “Max loves me. But I hurt him, Maria. Beyond repair. I know you mean well, but doing stuff like this is just gonna hurt him more. Promise me you won’t.”
She nods, sadly.
Dessert is over and now it’s time for clean up.
“I’m gonna go start clearing plates.”
She nods. “Nothing is ever beyond repair,” she whispers after me.
I only wish that was true as I clear plates, feeling Max’s eyes on me the whole time. Sure enough, I look up and he’s staring at me. It’s a deep penetrating stare and I have no idea what it means. He can see through me, can’t he? That as far as I’ve come, there’s still a part of me that’s damaged and dirty and totally beyond repair. Then I hear it.
You’re my little whore.
Will I ever be free of the demon?
I need some air.
****************
Later at home, tucked safely inside my room, I finally let out the ball of tears that has been whirling around inside of me.
I know I have to move forward and get better, but I don’t want to do it without Max. I still need Max. I know I shouldn’t. I know it isn’t healthy, but I want Max and once again it’s like I need him just to breathe.
But it’s too late. He loves me, but it’s too late. I screwed up. The hurt in his eyes will always be there, every time he sees me. Suddenly I feel the reality of where I've been, where I am now and where I'm likely headed and let me tell you, it's dark and hard and cold.
So, I do something I haven’t done in a long time. I grab my lamp and take off the shade. Then I throw the bulb onto the floor, smashing it into pieces. I pick up the largest piece I can find and settle down onto the floor as I stare at it, in the palm of my hand.
Last edited by maya on Tue Jul 01, 2008 8:04 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Break Me (M/L Adult) Part 29 June 30 pg 8
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Part 30 - Full Sail Ahead
The next day, after school, I open the door to the crash, planning to head straight upstairs. It’s been a horrible day and there’s nothing I want more than to just crawl under the covers and forget myself.
I pass Michael, as he’s heading in for his shift. He nods then heads into the back. I notice how careful he is to keep his distance from me. He probably doesn’t want Maria to get the wrong idea and I can’t blame him. I can see her eyeing him like a hawk from behind the counter.
“Liz.” Maria calls me over. I’m surprised and I immediately head over.
“How’s it going?” she asks as she refills the salt shakers.
“Fine.” What? You thought I’d divulge the horrors of last night to her?
“So,” she leans in towards me and lowers her voice slightly. “Looks like yesterday’s plan wasn’t for nothing.”
Uggh. I don’t want to think about yesterday anymore. I don’t want to think about Max anymore. I’ve replayed every word that was uttered, every facial expression until my mind ached with a combination of pain and confusion.
But I’m still curious. “What do you mean?” I ask.
“Max is ready to forgive you.”
What? Did I just hear her right? There is no way Max will ever forgive me…although part of our conversation in the freezer was a bit cryptic. I attributed it to my brain starting on a slow freeze, but maybe….
“Yup,” she says.
“How do you know?” I ask her.
Michael appears behind the counter, tying the cook apron around his waist.
Maria looks to him with a smile. He winks back. Well, things might not be going well for me but at least they are for them. Thank god.
“He told Michael. He’s had a chance to think about everything you said yesterday. Tell her.”
I look to Michael for confirmation. He nods.
“He said he could never look at me again without picturing….” I can’t finish that sentence with Maria standing here….
“I told you he would eventually,” Michael rolls his eyes.
“Wow,” I stutter. This revelation has caught me by complete surprise.
“Now, don’t get ahead of yourself, Liz,” Maria continues.
“He didn’t say he wanted to get back together,” Michael warns. He can see my mind working a million miles a minute. I already have Max and I walking down the aisle and he knows it.
“He just said that he knows how hard things have been for you and…you haven’t cut…or had sex…you explained some things to him….he’s proud of you, Liz. And he wants to reach out and see where thing go. I shouldn’t even be telling you, but somebody,” he glares at Maria, “couldn’t keep a secret.”
I look down at my wrist, that’s currently covered in a long sleeve shirt in shame. He’s proud of me?
Maria hits Michael. “Don’t stomp on her dreams just because he told you he would never forgive you, Michael.” She looks to me. “Of course he’ll want to get back together. She’s the love of his life.”
Get back together. Get back together. This is the only thing I’ve wanted for so long….but….it just doesn’t make sense.
I don’t know how I feel about that and I have no time to process it because when I look up I see Max staring in front of me. He’s got his hands in his front pockets like he always does when he is nervous.
“Can we talk?” he asks.
***************
Max and I are sitting in a booth. Max is talking. He’s holding my hand, staring into my eyes, but I can’t hear a word he’s saying. I’m staring at my sleeve lost in thought. Lost in last night.
I know you’re all on the edge of your seats wondering if I cut. You think I did, but I didn’t. I didn’t cut, but I wanted to. The idea of a life without Max was so unbearable that the urge stayed with me all night. I couldn’t sleep. I had to keep myself busy. I did Math homework and needlepoint. I put big oversized gloves on my hands. I was like an addict, staring at a bottle of pills, begging god for strength. It was a nightmare and I just barely survived.
“It’s going to be hard Liz, it will take a long time to get my trust back…but I miss you and if Maria and Michael can get past this…” he takes my hand.
Suddenly I’m back in the conversation. He can’t be implying that…“What are you saying?”
“I want you back, Liz.”
He wants me back. He wants me back. It’s the one thing I want more than anything else, another chance. Tears spring to my eyes.
I want to kiss him. I want to tell him that I want him back too, but I don’t. Instead I pull my hands away.
“Liz?” he asks.
“I almost cut last night. Knowing how much I hurt you, knowing that I’d never be with you again, was almost too much.” I blurt it out. I bet he’s not so proud now.
“But you didn’t, Liz. That’s great. And now you have me so you don’t ever have to worry about that.”
God, he’s great, isn’t he? Perfect in fact.
He bends forward and his lips brush mine. They’re so soft and warm and it feels like home. It takes every ounce of strength that I have, but I pull away. I know you wouldn’t in my situation, but believe me when I say I have to.
You see, the worst isn’t what happened last night. The worst is that I can’t guarantee that when I walk up to my room I’ll be able to resist the urge again. That when Max and I fight I’ll be able to resist again. That when dad and I fight I won’t attach myself to Max once again. I might be on the road to recovery, but it’s still so far away I can’t even see a landmark yet.
I think back to my conversation with Dr. Yarrow. I need Max. And the thing is I can’t need Max, not if I ever want to get better. No boys. No sex. Just me. How the hell can I explain this to him? How the hell can I let go of the one and only thing I’ve ever been sure about?
“What’s wrong? Is this too fast? Because I definetly think that we should take thing slow….”
“Max, you have been so good to me.”
He smiles. “Because I love you.” Why is he making this so hard?
“And I love you, that’s why I can’t be with you right now. Don’t you see, I need you too much. It’s a pattern that I need to break”
“But if you need me,” he protests.
“I have treated your horribly – I never meant to, honest, I didn’t.” The tears start to fall. “But I did.”
I know you’re all wondering why I slept with Michael. There are a lot of reasons. But I think the main one is that my subconscious knew that it would mean Max would end things with me. I really didn’t want it but the wiser part of me knew I had to get better alone.
“It’s ok. It was the BPD, not you.” He always makes excuses for me.
He acts like the BPD is a separate entity, but really it is just a part of me. “I can’t blame it on that. “ We all know I’ve been doing that for way too long. “I need to take responsibility for myself; to get better, no matter how long it takes and I can’t be with you until then. I don’t expect you to wait.”
He doesn’t say anything. He looks taken aback for a second but then he puts on a weak smile for my benefit.
“Max, you understand right?” I can’t bear to hurt him again, but I know I did. The thing is that this time it was for the right reasons.
He nods. “It isn’t what I want.”
“Me neither. But it’s what I need.”
He takes my hand and presses a soft kiss into it. “I hope you do get better Liz. With all of my heart.”
And with that he slips out of the booth, out the door and once again out of my life.
************************
It’s 11pm and I’ve spent the last four hours crying. But I haven’t cut. I’ve been too busy packing my suitcase. Now that I’ve made this decision, I need to follow it through until it is done. Full sail ahead.
I find Dad sitting in the crash which is now closed, going over the receipts. “Dad, I need to talk to you.”
Just as I’m about to sit down, Nancy comes in, two suitcases in hand.
“Nancy?” Dad asks in shock.
She looks at us hesitantly and puts down the bags. “I’m back if you’ll both take me.”
I break into a smile. What took her so long?
Dad has tears in his eyes when he looks at me. “Nancy, if you come back, there will have to be some changes. I love you, but Liz is going to come first.”
Nancy doesn’t look upset. Instead she comes over and gives me a hug. “Yes, she does. She’s your daughter and that is the way it should be. I can’t believe I spent all of these years being jealous of her when instead the three of us could have been a family.”
My dad comes over and throws his arms around us both. I have a wonderful feeling in my heart. I’m not naïve enough to believe it will all be cherries and roses tomorrow but I do believe that we are all going to try.
“Actually, Nancy, I was just about to tell Dad something and I really think you should hear this too.”
We all take a seat at the table.
“I’m finally ready to get some help.”
Dad look shocked. “I know you think I’m doing better but dad, it’s just too much and a few times a week with Dr. Yarrow isn’t enough.”
“I know Lizzie. Nancy has been telling me how serious things are for a very long time. I just didn’t want to believe it, because then I’d be admitting responsibility for some of it which is really painful.”
“I know Dad.” I know how hard it is to admit your choices have broken someone else.
“Where will you go?” Nancy asks.
“I’ve talked to Dr. Yarrow and she has arranged for me to go to a treatment center in Arizona. There are only a few weeks of school left but I can’t wait, I need to go now. I’m leaving by bus tomorrow.”
He nods in understanding. “I’ll talk to your teachers.”
See I’m getting better, just the mere fact that I’m putting myself in treatment shows that. And remember, I haven’t cut or done drugs for quite some time now. And I let go of Max, because I really wasn’t good for him, at least not yet.
You might not see it after what happened with Michael. But I know now why I acted out. My unconscious new that I had to let go of Max and what better way was there really?
I think I realized it after being on the bridge that night with Sean. It isn’t about being able to forgive Sean. It isn’t about forgiving Nancy or my dad. It’s about forgiving myself, loving myself enough to allow myself to be loved by someone else.
It’s the only way I’ll ever be able to be with Max again. I’m not sure if he’ll ever take my back but at least if he doesn’t I will be able to move forward and maybe even someday with someone else. That is why I have to go away now, so that I can learn to love myself.
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Part 30 - Full Sail Ahead
The next day, after school, I open the door to the crash, planning to head straight upstairs. It’s been a horrible day and there’s nothing I want more than to just crawl under the covers and forget myself.
I pass Michael, as he’s heading in for his shift. He nods then heads into the back. I notice how careful he is to keep his distance from me. He probably doesn’t want Maria to get the wrong idea and I can’t blame him. I can see her eyeing him like a hawk from behind the counter.
“Liz.” Maria calls me over. I’m surprised and I immediately head over.
“How’s it going?” she asks as she refills the salt shakers.
“Fine.” What? You thought I’d divulge the horrors of last night to her?
“So,” she leans in towards me and lowers her voice slightly. “Looks like yesterday’s plan wasn’t for nothing.”
Uggh. I don’t want to think about yesterday anymore. I don’t want to think about Max anymore. I’ve replayed every word that was uttered, every facial expression until my mind ached with a combination of pain and confusion.
But I’m still curious. “What do you mean?” I ask.
“Max is ready to forgive you.”
What? Did I just hear her right? There is no way Max will ever forgive me…although part of our conversation in the freezer was a bit cryptic. I attributed it to my brain starting on a slow freeze, but maybe….
“Yup,” she says.
“How do you know?” I ask her.
Michael appears behind the counter, tying the cook apron around his waist.
Maria looks to him with a smile. He winks back. Well, things might not be going well for me but at least they are for them. Thank god.
“He told Michael. He’s had a chance to think about everything you said yesterday. Tell her.”
I look to Michael for confirmation. He nods.
“He said he could never look at me again without picturing….” I can’t finish that sentence with Maria standing here….
“I told you he would eventually,” Michael rolls his eyes.
“Wow,” I stutter. This revelation has caught me by complete surprise.
“Now, don’t get ahead of yourself, Liz,” Maria continues.
“He didn’t say he wanted to get back together,” Michael warns. He can see my mind working a million miles a minute. I already have Max and I walking down the aisle and he knows it.
“He just said that he knows how hard things have been for you and…you haven’t cut…or had sex…you explained some things to him….he’s proud of you, Liz. And he wants to reach out and see where thing go. I shouldn’t even be telling you, but somebody,” he glares at Maria, “couldn’t keep a secret.”
I look down at my wrist, that’s currently covered in a long sleeve shirt in shame. He’s proud of me?
Maria hits Michael. “Don’t stomp on her dreams just because he told you he would never forgive you, Michael.” She looks to me. “Of course he’ll want to get back together. She’s the love of his life.”
Get back together. Get back together. This is the only thing I’ve wanted for so long….but….it just doesn’t make sense.
I don’t know how I feel about that and I have no time to process it because when I look up I see Max staring in front of me. He’s got his hands in his front pockets like he always does when he is nervous.
“Can we talk?” he asks.
***************
Max and I are sitting in a booth. Max is talking. He’s holding my hand, staring into my eyes, but I can’t hear a word he’s saying. I’m staring at my sleeve lost in thought. Lost in last night.
I know you’re all on the edge of your seats wondering if I cut. You think I did, but I didn’t. I didn’t cut, but I wanted to. The idea of a life without Max was so unbearable that the urge stayed with me all night. I couldn’t sleep. I had to keep myself busy. I did Math homework and needlepoint. I put big oversized gloves on my hands. I was like an addict, staring at a bottle of pills, begging god for strength. It was a nightmare and I just barely survived.
“It’s going to be hard Liz, it will take a long time to get my trust back…but I miss you and if Maria and Michael can get past this…” he takes my hand.
Suddenly I’m back in the conversation. He can’t be implying that…“What are you saying?”
“I want you back, Liz.”
He wants me back. He wants me back. It’s the one thing I want more than anything else, another chance. Tears spring to my eyes.
I want to kiss him. I want to tell him that I want him back too, but I don’t. Instead I pull my hands away.
“Liz?” he asks.
“I almost cut last night. Knowing how much I hurt you, knowing that I’d never be with you again, was almost too much.” I blurt it out. I bet he’s not so proud now.
“But you didn’t, Liz. That’s great. And now you have me so you don’t ever have to worry about that.”
God, he’s great, isn’t he? Perfect in fact.
He bends forward and his lips brush mine. They’re so soft and warm and it feels like home. It takes every ounce of strength that I have, but I pull away. I know you wouldn’t in my situation, but believe me when I say I have to.
You see, the worst isn’t what happened last night. The worst is that I can’t guarantee that when I walk up to my room I’ll be able to resist the urge again. That when Max and I fight I’ll be able to resist again. That when dad and I fight I won’t attach myself to Max once again. I might be on the road to recovery, but it’s still so far away I can’t even see a landmark yet.
I think back to my conversation with Dr. Yarrow. I need Max. And the thing is I can’t need Max, not if I ever want to get better. No boys. No sex. Just me. How the hell can I explain this to him? How the hell can I let go of the one and only thing I’ve ever been sure about?
“What’s wrong? Is this too fast? Because I definetly think that we should take thing slow….”
“Max, you have been so good to me.”
He smiles. “Because I love you.” Why is he making this so hard?
“And I love you, that’s why I can’t be with you right now. Don’t you see, I need you too much. It’s a pattern that I need to break”
“But if you need me,” he protests.
“I have treated your horribly – I never meant to, honest, I didn’t.” The tears start to fall. “But I did.”
I know you’re all wondering why I slept with Michael. There are a lot of reasons. But I think the main one is that my subconscious knew that it would mean Max would end things with me. I really didn’t want it but the wiser part of me knew I had to get better alone.
“It’s ok. It was the BPD, not you.” He always makes excuses for me.
He acts like the BPD is a separate entity, but really it is just a part of me. “I can’t blame it on that. “ We all know I’ve been doing that for way too long. “I need to take responsibility for myself; to get better, no matter how long it takes and I can’t be with you until then. I don’t expect you to wait.”
He doesn’t say anything. He looks taken aback for a second but then he puts on a weak smile for my benefit.
“Max, you understand right?” I can’t bear to hurt him again, but I know I did. The thing is that this time it was for the right reasons.
He nods. “It isn’t what I want.”
“Me neither. But it’s what I need.”
He takes my hand and presses a soft kiss into it. “I hope you do get better Liz. With all of my heart.”
And with that he slips out of the booth, out the door and once again out of my life.
************************
It’s 11pm and I’ve spent the last four hours crying. But I haven’t cut. I’ve been too busy packing my suitcase. Now that I’ve made this decision, I need to follow it through until it is done. Full sail ahead.
I find Dad sitting in the crash which is now closed, going over the receipts. “Dad, I need to talk to you.”
Just as I’m about to sit down, Nancy comes in, two suitcases in hand.
“Nancy?” Dad asks in shock.
She looks at us hesitantly and puts down the bags. “I’m back if you’ll both take me.”
I break into a smile. What took her so long?
Dad has tears in his eyes when he looks at me. “Nancy, if you come back, there will have to be some changes. I love you, but Liz is going to come first.”
Nancy doesn’t look upset. Instead she comes over and gives me a hug. “Yes, she does. She’s your daughter and that is the way it should be. I can’t believe I spent all of these years being jealous of her when instead the three of us could have been a family.”
My dad comes over and throws his arms around us both. I have a wonderful feeling in my heart. I’m not naïve enough to believe it will all be cherries and roses tomorrow but I do believe that we are all going to try.
“Actually, Nancy, I was just about to tell Dad something and I really think you should hear this too.”
We all take a seat at the table.
“I’m finally ready to get some help.”
Dad look shocked. “I know you think I’m doing better but dad, it’s just too much and a few times a week with Dr. Yarrow isn’t enough.”
“I know Lizzie. Nancy has been telling me how serious things are for a very long time. I just didn’t want to believe it, because then I’d be admitting responsibility for some of it which is really painful.”
“I know Dad.” I know how hard it is to admit your choices have broken someone else.
“Where will you go?” Nancy asks.
“I’ve talked to Dr. Yarrow and she has arranged for me to go to a treatment center in Arizona. There are only a few weeks of school left but I can’t wait, I need to go now. I’m leaving by bus tomorrow.”
He nods in understanding. “I’ll talk to your teachers.”
See I’m getting better, just the mere fact that I’m putting myself in treatment shows that. And remember, I haven’t cut or done drugs for quite some time now. And I let go of Max, because I really wasn’t good for him, at least not yet.
You might not see it after what happened with Michael. But I know now why I acted out. My unconscious new that I had to let go of Max and what better way was there really?
I think I realized it after being on the bridge that night with Sean. It isn’t about being able to forgive Sean. It isn’t about forgiving Nancy or my dad. It’s about forgiving myself, loving myself enough to allow myself to be loved by someone else.
It’s the only way I’ll ever be able to be with Max again. I’m not sure if he’ll ever take my back but at least if he doesn’t I will be able to move forward and maybe even someday with someone else. That is why I have to go away now, so that I can learn to love myself.
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