What If You (XO,SN,UC, Mature) Complete 08.07

[vaifeal]

Title: What If You (Sequel to FM Radio)

Category: XO: Roswell/Supernatural

Pairing: UC: Liz/Dean [and another]

Rating: Mildly Mature: language, allusions to violence and sex.

Disclaimer: Seriously if I owned it I wouldn't be almost a hundred grand in the hole from school loans.

Summary: John loved his sons. He would have done anything for them but some of his decisions had farther reaching consequences than he considered.

A/N: I know I said that this would be up much sooner and that it would start when they met and go from there but... yeah, the direction has changed a little. I really shouldn't be doing this now with all my work and two other stories but I'm a horrible horrible person and am going to do so anyway.

What If You – Joshua Radin

What if you
Could wish me away
What if you
Spoke those words today

Fingers ghosted up her arm, a slight tickle and a slow burn following. She bit her lip to stop the smile that was occupying all the space inside her to show. He didn't need to see it to know. They lived everyday knowing. No matter how much time passed, they still woke up every morning if getting eachother back was just a dream and cherished every moment they had together.

Liz didn't think she'd ever been so happy. Not even when they'd been together. How could she have been? She knew now what it was like to loose him, it made having him so much more.

His fingers traced the contours of her neck and graced down her bare back.

“I love you,” she whispered into his lips voicing her greatest fear. “Don't ever leave me again.”

Dean held her tighter than necessary. She didn't see the heartbreak writ across his face.

I wonder if you'd miss me
When I'm gone
It's come to this, release me
I'll leave before the dawn

Dean had made a fair amount of decisions in his life that he regretted.

Thinking he could finish off a whole bottle of Jack in an hour. Eating twelve microwave burritos in one sitting. Giving Britney Spears a listen just because she was hot. Thinking Liz would leave him. Not pushing harder to find her. He could make a list pages long of things he wished he'd never done.

When he'd made the deal to bring Sam back, he hadn't thought that'd be on there.

Sam lived. He was okay with going to hell to make that happen.

He watched Nate laugh as he played with the bubbles of his bath, shampoo letting his dark hair stand straight up. Liz grinned and laughed with their son as he roared, letting the dinosaur in one hand crush the boat in the other. Dean felt his heart contract painfully as she turned to him and motioned for him to join the game with a soapy hand.

After all the last couple of years, he wanted to take it and never let go. Wake up next to her. Watch Nate grow. Forget the deal and spend time with his family like he had been. Who cared if the days, weeks, months passed pulling him closer to an end he couldn't find a way around?

“Mooommmyyy.”

Liz put down the pitcher she'd used to wash the soap from Nate's head. The boy whipped the water from his face and tried to glare at his mom, “You are far too young to be using that tone with me little man.”

He could hear the happiness in her voice.

Dean left the bathroom.

But for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you

“Dammit Dean!” Liz dropped her hands from where they'd been pressed into her forehead ineffectively blocking out his words. Stupid, stupid man. “A deal! Of all the reckless, imprudent, unthinkable...” she struggled to find more words before finally settling on the one all inclusive that she hadn't uttered because of innocent ears always listening: “FUCK”

He stayed quiet and she let out a frustrated growl. Idiotic, self absorbed bastard. Who was he to make those decisions? Who was he to play with their lives?

“Is their anyway out of it?”

“We're looking for one,” she knew what that meant.

There wasn't. At least not one that wouldn't come at a higher price than was already being paid. How many dead ends had Sam already found?

“How long?”

“Six months.”

She leaned her head against the window briefly wondering if she should just take Nate and leave. Her little boy didn't deserve this. It wasn't fair to let him get to know his dad just to have the man taken away.

But then, Dean deserved better than that too. She was fooling herself if she thought she'd ever leave him willingly. No matter how many times he broke her heart; he was still hers.

Turning back to him, wanting to rage against his feckless choice, she felt the anger drain out of her leaving only exhaustion. So, instead she let him fold her against his chest. His breath tickled her cheek as he offered words of comfort, “We'll find a way out of this.”

Liz wished he wouldn't lie.

But when the sun
Hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do

For all his bitching about mullet rock and disgusting eating habits, Sam would do anything for his brother. Lie. Cheat. Steal. Kill. Dean was family, his only family – outside of the newly discovered Nathaniel – and that made his brother the most important person in his life.

So when Dean took the seat next to him on Bobby's porch and said five words that he'd waited to hear for six months, Sam knew that he was going to find a way to break the deal. For himself. For his brother. For Liz. For his nephew.

He was going to do anything he could.

“I don't want to die Sam.”

What if you
Could hear this song
What if I
Felt like I belong

Liz felt like a bitch.

Of all the puzzling things to feel when the victim of lies and false promises and perpetual disappointment, she wondered at that one. There was no reason for her to feel that way. She wasn't distant with Dean, wasn't cruel. She'd accepted everything he'd given. Given all she had to offer. Even helped when she could.

She was a professor, surely she could find answers where others couldn't.

Still, everytime Dean turned to her with those broken green eyes: She felt like a bitch.

Even though she loved him more than anyone save their son. Even though he was an integral part of her and there was no Liz without Dean. She'd never thought she could hate someone she loved so much.

And that made her feel like a bitch.

Liz loved him for being the man he was but that was why she hated him. Because it was that man that was going to leave her again. That man who made decisions with his heart and didn't think of the consequences.

Everyday that passed brought them closer to that end. All she wanted to do was scream. Rage against the world.

It wasn't fair.

I might not be leaving
Oh so soon
Began the night believing
I loved you in the moonlight

Little feet kicked out and swung back landing with two thumps against the Impala's grill. If someone had told him a year ago he'd let a kid do that, Dean would have set them on their ass. Now, he was more worried about making sure Nate fall than any possible damage.

“Whats the best band in the world?”

“Seplin!”

He smiled as Nate carefully watched him check the oil, “That's right.”

Clenching his hand to stop the urge to pick up his son and try to explain why daddy might not be coming home even though he was too young to understand, he settled next to him instead. Tomorrow they'd go after Lilith. Today he was going to spend his day with his family.

So, for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you

If this final desperate bid didn't work, if Dean died, there'd be no time for laying in bed for weeks wrapped in his clothes or hours staring into nothing waiting to be woken up. She wouldn't be able to let herself drift away every night and push away every morning. There wouldn't be the chance to reteach herself how to breathe.

At least she got a goodbye.

Liz wasn't that scared girl anymore. She had a son to live for instead of the fear of unknown parental responsibilities. Life would go on. There'd be new jobs, new towns, new obstacles to face. She'd have her family and his to see them through.

Her thighs tightened around Dean's hips.

“Marry me,” his voice rasped along her. She nodded disjointedly knowing that those words were possibly the only thing she'd have left of him. Her nails dug into his skin.

Don't let go.

Don't ever let go.

But when the sun
Hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do

Bobby knew what was waiting for him on the other side of his door. A woman and her son waiting for word on the most important man in their lives. He glanced at Sam, the kid was doing a pretty damn good job keeping himself in one piece given the circumstances. The way he saw it the only reason why was the little boy whose infectious laughter could be heard through the door.

How where they supposed to tell them?

The door opened, Liz's dark head popping out in greeting, her eyes counting them already understanding the message they hadn't said, “Why are you standing out here?”

I could've treated you better
Better than this
Well, I'm gone, this song's your letter
Can't stay in one place

Sam followed the woman he'd come to think of as his sister-in-law as she stumbled into the house, her breathing coming in shallow rapid gasps. She bypassed Bobby's booked stacked living room, walking right past her son not registering that he was there. He didn't think she really even knew where she was anymore.

Frantic hands went from face to side to arms to face never finding peace. Lost. Looking for relief.

But there was nothing that would make it better. No words. No actions.

She tripped and fell into the wall, sliding down it to sit heavily on the floor. He could see the violent tremors shaking her slim form.

“Mommy,” Nate stood in the doorway his innocent face filled with confused worry. So much of Dean.

“Oh God,” Liz's silent grief soaked scream filled the room as she clutched herself. “Oh God.”

Pushing away the memory of his brother screaming on the floor as hell hounds ripped him to shreds, he dropped to her side and held her against him. Dean was dead. Really, truly dead. This wasn't any trick by his father in a misguided effort to protect. Dean was dead. He was in hell.

Sam did the only thing he could, “Bobby get him out of here.”

So, for tonight
I'll stay here with you
Yes, for tonight
I'll lay here with you

Liz crawled into bed with Nate and pulled him close. They were alone again. Just the two of them against the world. No Dean to keep her company. No daddy to make him squeal with joy.

She wondered if she was being punished. If something had happened in a previous life that required this one to be more painful. Maybe fate just hated her. Maybe she didn't deserve to be happy.

What was she supposed to do?

Pushing away those thoughts and the breakdown that would accompany them, she smiled at Nate was he blinked himself awake. Dean's eyes stared back at her and her heart broke, “Don't cry mommy, daddy come home. The angel say so.”

But when the sun
Hits your eyes
Through your window
There'll be nothing you can do

[vaifeal]

Mad World – Gary Jules (though I believe it was originally by Tears for Fears)

All around me are familiar faces
worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for the daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere

Just like last time: the first few days, weeks were the worst. She was always on the verge of collapsing in on herself, never sure if the slightest thing would set her off again. Every look was accusing. Every silence damning. She should have found him earlier.

Things would be different if she had never believed John. If she'd held together long enough to read the lie in his face. Women were supposed to know those things naturally, right?

What was it her grandmother used to say?

If wishes were kisses there'd never be any hate.

This time around almost seemed easier. Almost. Liz had done it all before. She knew that the crippling grief would pass. That his absence would eventually stop haunting her. And this time there were no pregnancy hormones making her crave the taste of his skin. Not even a hint of hope that there had been some terrible mistake. Just her little boy, the most important person in her life.

She'd gotten Dean back for seven months, two weeks, and three days.

It wasn't nearly enough but every day that passed she got a little closer to accepting that she was lucky to even get that. So many other people didn't. They lost loved ones and that was it. No second chances to take solace in the ones taken from them.

Every day she spent a little less time thinking about him and a little more time believing she didn't need him.

But every night she still woke up screaming.

Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow

There weren't many belongings to be packed - most of their stuff was still in a storage unit in New Mexico from selling the Dominican place – so it took longer for Liz to get Nate ready than it did to get their belongings piled in the trunk of her rental.

She leaned over the bed she'd been using the last few days and once again checked if there was some random pieces of cloth lost amongst the dust bunnies. Not wanting to leave anything behind, she kept checking the nooks and crannies ignoring Sam's brooding presence in the corner and the sounds of Nate coloring at the table.

The sooner they were out of here the better.

Fingers dug into her arm and dragged her back into the bathroom after she'd finished double checking it. Sam. She'd been anticipating this... discussion since she told him they were leaving. He was going through the stages of grief. At the moment he was stalled on anger.

“Why are you leaving?”

She shook him off and rubbed where bruises would be forming. Dean wouldn't have been happy about that, “You know why.”

Stability. Memories. Let him take his pick.

“I need your help. We can get him back if you help.”

Okay, so there was some denial mixed up in his anger. Winchester's always did make things more complicated than they had to be, “He's not coming back Sam. Not this time.”

She didn't have the luxury of believing he'd suddenly rise from the grave. He was dead. She saw it. Had put him in the ground per Sam's wishes instead of cremating the remains like she'd known she should. Her sanity depended on her senses. Her senses said he was really gone this time.

And despite that Nate was a firm believer that his daddy was coming back, she wouldn't be that woman. She wouldn't lie to her kid to spare him the pain of the truth.

“Don't say that. Don't ever say that.”

“Sam,” she shook her head shoving away the burn of uncontrolled emotion, “he's not coming back. Nothing we do will change that.”

Please let that be true. She'd never forgive herself if it wasn't.

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had

She looked the same.

Somehow she never expects that. Everytime there was some major upheaval in her life she always thought that there would be some external change to show it. A new wrinkle, a shadow, a scar. But there was never anything. She cut her hair, she wore make up, dressed like an adult, and still when all that was pealed away: Liz still freakishly looked like the kid who'd thought she could take on the world and win.

Her hand unconsciously went to the chain around her neck and the ring dangling there. A life time ago, she'd given it to Dean. Now it was hers and one day it would go to Nate. Hopefully not for a long long time.

Lost in thought she didn't realize that her nose was bleeding until she was clinging to the sink, her fingers finding no purchase on the cold porcelain. There was nothing she could do to keep the visions away. The more she lost him, the more she saw him.

Him, devils and demons.

She thought maybe she should get a tattoo. A quote to sum up the tragic comedy that was her life:

Abandon Hope.

I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world

There might not be anyway for him to pull Dean out of hell but Sam would get to Lilith and Lilith could get him out. And he didn't need Liz to do it. Just Ruby and some training. Then he could get his brother back. Let Liz set up a life for her and her son in the boondocks of Texas.

She was right to do that. Dean wouldn't have wanted her involved anyway.

Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
And I feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen

There was something wrong with her son and it was more than just losing a parent.

At first it was a subtle change. He'd randomly stop doing what he was engaged in, his would head tilt as if he was trying to listen to something in the distance before returning to his task. It was strange but nothing too alarming. Liz just convinced herself that it was one of those little boy things that would always puzzle her.

It wasn't at all unusual. Nothing to do with her own troubles. A normal weird not an extraordinary one.

Then those silences started getting longer so that he eventually spent hours sitting by himself, occasionally smiling or giggling. Still, she followed what every one said; it was just a coping mechanism after losing his dad. She knew it wasn't - not with his speech improving like he'd practiced for hours. Not with the way he'd stare at her. Penetrating. Unnerving. But she tried so damn hard to make it true.

Something was happening to her little boy.

After a brief discussion with Bobby that yielded little result, Liz did the one thing she swore she wouldn't do until she was sure that he had gotten his act together. She called Sam.

Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

“Get out!” her voice cracked from the force she was throwing behind it.

How dare he! HOW DARE HE!

“Calm down. I can explain,” Sam held his hands out in surrender, his body still hovering protectively in front of the she-thing. He knew she wouldn't shoot him. Couldn't. The stupid bastard was family after all.

“GET! OUT!” her chest heaving she could feel the world begin to spin beneath her feet, the tickle at the back of her throat. Now wasn't the time. Liz held Sam's gaze for a strong moment. “That thing is not welcome in my house.”

Leave. He needed to leave. She'd never forgive him if he stayed. A demon. Why did he have to get involved with a demon?

“Liz.”

“I told you to get the fuck out,” the door slammed with enough force to shake the frames against the wall she'd dropped against.

She could hear Marta playing with Nate in the backyard as black swam across her eyes. What was happening to them?

And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had

What was she supposed to do?

Dammit Dean, how was she supposed to know how to help their son? The supernatural wasn't her thing. She only knew so much to get her buy. Salt the windows. Keep holy water at hand. If eyes turned black: RUN. What did she know about protection from things she couldn't see?

This was his thing!

He was supposed to be there to take care of those things. He was supposed to keep the demons away. He was supposed to keep his brother in hand. He was never supposed to leave. It was never supposed to be so hard. Screw never. She'd always done better assuming the worst.

Nate's voice drifted into the room. His voice clearer and less hesitant as he read than it had been, “He’ll hang up his drawing and stand back to look at it. Looking at the refrigerator will remind him that he’s thirsty so he’ll ask for a glass of milk.”

She couldn't believe him when he said it was the angels he was talking to. Angels that told him daddy was coming home soon. What would angels want with her son? With any of them?

“And chances are if he asks for a glass of milk, he’s going to want a cookie to go with it,” he finished with a giggle and the covers slapped together as he closed the book.

Someone was playing 52 pickup with their life and Liz didn't know how to gather the scattered pieces. She could only scramble against the tide, hoping against reason that that maybe Nate was right and the force behind it wasn't evil.

I find it hard to tell you
I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very very, mad world, mad world
Enlarging your world, mad world

[vaifeal]

Witness – Sarah McLachlan

Make me a witness
Take me out
Out of darkness
Out of doubt

Liz blamed Michael, and the Mighty Ducks, but mostly Michael.

The hybrid had been brainwashing her son from the womb with thoughts on the glories of hockey. Checks. Goals. Pucks. Sticks. Sweat. Blood. Testosterone. It might have been the Mighty Ducks that made it look fun but Michael had made it cool. Uncle Michael with his jerseys and hats and skates.

It'd all seemed innocent enough until Nate had started begging her to take him to a rink. A couple of days of enduring the embarrassment of trying to stay upright as her son chased circles around her, had Liz signing him up for a peewee league even though it meant driving forty-five minutes to get him to games and practices.

The coolness of the indoor rink seeped through her ineffective sweater. She'd always been a warm weather kind of girl, even air conditioning was a bit too much for her. Pulling the wool closer around her she flinched as Nate was checked into the wall then rolled her eyes as her companion stood and started cursing at the referee.

“Michael!” the hybrid glowered at her.

“He should've made the call.”

“It's a peewee game. He's fine,” rolling her eyes Liz tugged him back into his seat.

She knew she shouldn't have mentioned that Nate was playing but her son had been so excited about the chance that his uncle might come to a game. Maria would have her hands full whenever she had kids. Her husband still was one.

At least Alex for all his enthusiasm acted more like a mother hen. Only time could tell if that would change once Isabel had the kid. Turning her attention to the game again, she couldn't stop herself from jumping to her feet as Nate was tripped by the other team.

“Oh come on!”

I won't weigh you down
With good intention
Won't make fire out of clay
Or other inventions

Red splashed across the sky, mixing with deep orange and a touch of purple. It looked like the world was on fire. Burning from the inside out, flames licking out, kissing the sky. Her eyes dropped slightly as she was overcome with the ghost of heavy smoke choking her senses. The remnants of a dream too far gone to be clearly remembered, too terrifying to forget entirely.

She'd been having a lot of deja vu recently.

Pushing away the morose thoughts she grabbed the tray with lunch on it and headed outside. Liz only got an hour off, Marta could use even the briefest of breaks. The sitter was an amazing woman who handled Nate like the Cesar Millan handled dogs but even the sturdiest companion liked quiet occasionally.

She was greeted by a rush of hurried Spanish detailing all the things they'd done that morning. He was certainly more enthusiastic than when she picked him up from school. Considering it was a day off and he'd spent it running around, it wasn't all that surprising.

Will we burn in heaven
Like we do down here
Will the change come
While we're waiting

Blinking the sleep from her eyes, Liz shuffled her son towards his room his heavy feet making the process slow. The energizer bunny had nothing on him. After she got him tucked in she'd still have to make some coffee if she had any hope of grading all the paper she had waiting for her on her desk.

At first she thought that the third pair of footsteps was just her imagination, too much thinking too little sleep but when they paused and Nate turned, a wide smile lighting up his face banishing all traces of sleep, she gave up that notion.

A tall dark haired man stood down the hall from them, trench coat and ruffled suit doing nothing to detract from stoic curiosity making up his handsome features. Features that almost seemed to glow, like there was some light just underneath the skin.

Nate ran to him before she could stop him. She knew an imaginary friend was too good to be true.

A protective hand came down to sit on her sons shoulder and the mothers terror she hadn't felt since he was six months threatened to overcome her.

She opened her mouth to scream or demand he leave her house or something, anything but only one word – a name – escaped her lips, “Castiel.”

The man nodded, his eyes not moving from her face.

How had she known that?

Everyone is waiting

“What are you doing here?”

She couldn't understand her reaction. It was irrational, confusing, and disappointing. That man had her son and she was making conversation him. Liz should have been reaching for the nearest object that could be thrown at his head or sprinting for the gun she kept locked in her bedside table.

The man dropped to his knees and whispered something into Nate's ear before standing again, “Go back to your mother Nathanael.”

Nate did as he was told and Liz pushed him behind her. They could make a run for it.

“You have a very special little boy,” what fear remained coursing through her system faded to her consternation. “The time is coming Elizabeth Parker.”

And when we're done
Soul searching
And we carried the weight
And died for a cause

Dean shoved his hands through the dirt trying to keep it out of his mouth. It was hard enough to breathe as it was. Working against the pressure on his chest and the earth coming loose in his hands making it harder to dig his way out, he forced himself closer and closer to the surface.

He was alive. He didn't know how or why but he didn't care. As long as he was out of the pit he didn't care.

Breaking the surface, he took a deep breath of clean air for the first time in forty years.

Is misery
Made beautiful
Right before our eyes
Will mercy be revealed
Or blind us where we stand

Her hands where still shaking when she tucked Nate in.

She'd have to call Bobby and have him come down to put up some more wards. Or maybe they'd just move again. That was always a last resort, Liz didn't want to uproot them but letting random supernatural forces blink into existence in her living room wasn't an option.

Leaning down to kiss her sons forehead she gently brushed his cheek, “What's got you smiling so much?”

“Daddy's coming home.”

Will we burn in heaven
Like we do down here
Will the change come
While we're waiting

“Where's my family Bobby?”

The older man was still staring at Dean like he couldn't believe that he was there. It wasn't every day that someone in hell ended up alive but he was getting tired of it. He wanted to see his family, wanted to know they were safe.

“Sam knows. We'll have to find him first.”

Everyone is waiting

[vaifeal]

Ok, so I won't go into the craziness that has been my life for the last two months but I will tell you the current crisis. My Brand New laptop managed to pick up the blue screen of death so I've been trying to save thousands upon thousands of music and picture files, on top of the word files and adobe that I can't afford to lose. Good news: my brother is coming home today and he says that he can probably fix it or get the files off for me. Fingers crossed, no matter what happens since I need the damn thing working in some form by Thursday, I should have a new part up by next week.

[vaifeal]

I'm so so so so so so sorry. I have no valid excuses for the delay except that I have been exceptionally lazy as of late but here's the part. I lengthened it for you and everything. Please forgive me :}


Love Doesn't Last Too Long – the Weepies

I watch the sun go down, I watch the sun go down
Then I wander around, then I wander around

Liz wasn't sure when she'd come to believe that Dean was coming home or even if she really did. It could just be a secret hope she'd let fester for too long in the dark recesses of her heart. Either way, she didn't consciously acknowledge it until she'd realized she'd been slowly but surely clearing room for him in the every day workings of their life.

It was small things at first.

She left a shelf clear in the bathroom after she'd put away the holiday decorations, telling herself that she was just searching for the perfect accessories to go there. Then she'd picked up a couple of the cheesiest B horror movies she'd ever come across when she saw that they were on sale. They weren't films she'd ever watch on her own and Nate was too little to watch them but still... into the cart they'd gone. Occassionally she'd grab a some socks or tee shirts and she'd tell herself that they were for her for bed. Except they sat in the closet unopened.

When she'd come home from grocery shopping with a bag full of food that she would never under normal circumstances allow under her roof, it had been a tad more difficult to convince herself that it was just a whim. Any self denial though had been wiped clean after she'd bought a new dresser for her that was built for two and left half the drawers empty.

Dean was coming home.

She hoped.

It's here then it's gone
Love doesn't last too long

"Everything that's going on, everything that's chasing us. Do you really want to bring that there?"

Dean stared up at his brother from his precarious position at the edge of the bed, not quite believing the words that were flowing from the younger mans mouth. A part of him realized the sense in it. He didn't want that type of danger anywhere near his family.

Of the two desires warring inside him though, that was the less significant. To him it had been near half a century since he'd last seen played with his son, listened to the near senseless giggles that could be brought on with a light press of fingers against the boys ribs. Almost a century since he'd held Liz: Felt her hair against his chest. Buried his face in the curve of her neck. Let himself be carried away by the steady beating of her pulse.

He had just re-memorized the smell of her when he'd been ripped from her.

Forty years was too long to be kept away. So even with the threat of violence that had been a steadily growing shadow in their lives for longer than he could remember. Despite the demons that might to be out to get him for having been pulled out of the pit or the angels that had done the deed. No matter what he was meant to be doing in repayment for the new chance at life and the restrictions they wanted to shackle him with.

Inspite of all that, Dean was going home.

I didn't even have time to get it straight in my mind
To catch up from behind, to see that I was blind

With an impatient eye-roll and a cry of 'Mommy' that was just on the border of being a whine, Liz ushered Nate on to the school bus and after watching the wheels kick up the fine layer of dust that seemed to cover everything contrary to the relative grassy-ness of southern Texas, she turned and started walking back to the house.

She'd called into sick for the day. Not that that was much of a hassle. She only had office hours anyway and her students were generally so apathetic, if they had a problem they were content with sending her emails instead of getting off their asses to come see her. As a professor new to the university, she wasn't overseeing any honors students or checking dissertation level work.

All in all despite being one of the brightest minds in her fields and always being willing to help the school when they needed her, Liz was basically a glorified intern for all the prestige she got. She really missed PUCMM. There she would have made department head with in ten years. When the time had come to leave the DR, she'd been more than willing to jump ship but what had made her leave hadn't been available for four months.

If she wasn't so set on not uprooting Nate again, they would have left almost as soon as arriving.

With a sigh, she closed the door behind her reveling in the breeze from the ceiling fans she'd installed as soon as she'd bought the place. They were the only relief from the dry heat that threatened to swallow her whole everytime she dared to step outside. The sensation wasn't unfamiliar and it was one she often enjoyed but there were those days that it just killed.

Wondering yet again why she had taken the day off for no apparent reason, Liz dropped herself onto the couch and waited.

And I wish I was wrong
But love doesn't last too long

The house was what he had expected once Sam had told him where he'd find his family.

Away from the busiest parts of town and set back from the surrounding area, it was a small Spanish style house with large arched windows covered by dark wood shutters; opened wide to let fresh air in but slanted enough to keep the sun out. The terra-cotta roof was faded but still a bright red against the white stucco of the exterior. There was a small screened in porch in the front overlooking a front garden full with untamed growth and random toys scattered across it.

A bike. A hockey stick. A truck. A stuffed animal sitting on the front stoop watching the neighborhood.

He could pick out a dozen or so small things that needed to be fixed within a minute of seeing the number on the mailbox but he couldn't help the tension that eased from his shoulders. The unreasonable edge of panic that he'd felt since they'd gotten into the Impala was still there but the knee jerk impulse to turn around and leave was gone.

Even if she was pissed or didn't want to see him, even if somehow she'd moved on with her life. Dean needed to see her. Needed to hold her for as long as Liz would let him. In a fluid movement, he'd turned off the car and stepped out.

All you lovers in the dark can forget what I said
'Cause it still goes on in my heart
And it still goes on in my head

It was with a level of resignation and a hint of fear that Sam followed his brother out of the Impala, looking at the house that should have been more familiar than it was. He had known the last time that he had come that Liz wasn't liable to accept Ruby's presence so her reaction hadn't been all that surprising.

At the time he'd convinced himself that he had done it for full disclosure, now he wasn't so sure. There were so many things in their life that could easily kill his nephew and his sister-in-law, his exploration of his gifts weren't going to make them any safer. People around Sam tended to die sooner rather than later. He didn't want to get them anymore involved than they had been.

But there wasn't anytime left to turn around.

Before they'd reached the front steps the screen door opened revealing a petite feminine form. Tanned skin, dark hair pulled back in a tight ponytail, wide brown eyes frozen open in shock; Liz looked better than she had. Healthier, happier, less like she was about to keel over.

Neither Dean nor her moved for several long minutes, both too off guard to respond. He saw his brother move first but it was Liz who crossed the distance fastest. Sam waited for the two bodies to crash together in an embrace that would leave him embarrassed to be an interloper and a little jealous of what he didn't have but it didn't come.

Instead, Liz's hand wiped through the air and landed with a loud smack against Dean's puzzled cheek.

Rivers to the sea, rivers to the sea
How it is right now is how it's always gonna be

Her hand was stinging when she brought it up to cover her mouth, the tears already pooling in her eyes. She felt her chest shaking and her legs only kept her upright because at some point in the last few minutes they'd locked up but god, he was the most beautiful thing she'd ever seen.

Even with the angry read hand mark on his face.

A hysterical laugh slipped through her lips before they were crashing down on his, hungry and reckless. He responded immediately, his arms crushing her against him trying to pull her through him. She desperately trailed her lips from the corner of his mouth along his chin to the curve of his neck, holding him as tightly as she could.

His shoulder shook under her finger, hot droplets running along her neck. They were both too lost to know what they were doing and her lips curved over the same words over and over again though she didn't know who she was saying them to or even if they had any real meaning.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

It's here then it's gone
Love doesn't last too long

Dean woke up hours before he normally would.

He laid where he was as long as he could, enjoying the press of familiar bodies on his, before deciding that he really needed something to eat. He kissed Liz's bare shoulder and unwrapped Nate's arms from around his neck, careful not to wake either of them.

Running a hand through his hair he let out a harsh breath, he'd never get used to having them.

The kitchen tiles were cool against his bare feet, as he made his way to the refrigerator. It was filled with vegetables, meat, fruit, and dairy products. Things that he could make if he really wanted. He wasn't that desperate. Opening up the freezer he smiled at the decent size stack of frozen burritos and pizza. She really was too good for him.

“Humans,” a newly familiar voice said behind him. Dean's body tensed but didn't turn. Fucking angels, “always think they know what's best.” He pulled one of the burritos out and took it from its wrapper. “As if they know the whole of history and they alone can find meaning in it.”

“Hmm,” he feigned disinterest. Dean did not want any supernatural being in their house. “What do you want Castiel?”

“You shouldn't have come here Dean. Not yet.”

“I wasn't going to wait.”

They stared each other down. One with the power of the heavenly host. One with the desperate wish to keep his family. Dean wasn't about to give them up. Not for anyone.

“Did you know that angels can fall from the heavens? It's not something we make known to humans but it is possible for us to descend. If our grace is removed, a process that is more painful than anything even you have experienced, we fall. Humans can see us then, briefly, before we become a seed of creation for any woman. A child.”

He thought back to the concerns that Liz had told him, the words flowing out of her with more than a hint of unease, “Are you saying my son was an angel?”

“No,” Dean sighed in relief. “His mother was.”

I watch the sun go down, I watch the sun go down
Then I wander around
Then I wander around
Then I wander around

[vaifeal]

3 Libras – A Perfect Circle

Threw you the obvious
And you flew with it on your back
A name in your recollection
Down among a million same

Dean watched as the sunlight came through the window making Liz's skin glow a light amber and the dark blanket of her hair shine with an almost blue sheen. Her arm was draped over Nate making sure their son didn't roll off the bed. They looked perfect, like a picture found on some brochure.

Castiel's words sounded through his head not making an ounce of sense. Liz had been born in Roswell Regional Hospital to Jeff and Nancy Parker. Two perfectly ordinary people who had stopped attending church after their wedding and who had only baptized their daughter out of habit. It was Liz's grandfather that made her read holy books and attend services, she was just as areligious as her parents.

And he was supposed to believe that she was an angel.

But then, he'd never met anyone who had more faith in human potential and who'd willingly put up with him for as long as she had. Sam always did joke that that took the patience of a Saint.

Difficult not to feel a little bit
Disappointed and passed over
When I look right through,
See you naked but oblivious
And you don't see me

Her husband had never been one to act conventionally but Liz was noticing more and more the differences. Between him and everyone else. Between him now and him before. God she wanted to remove that word from the dictionary. Everywhere she went it was a shadow across her path. Six letters. A thousand ways to remember.

She was trying to be there for him as much as she could while still working and taking care of Nate but she couldn't be there all the time and whenever she left him alone it felt like he got worse. The things that had happened in the four months he'd been gone – dead but she wouldn't say it – they were weighing on him.

And now, something had happened. Something that she couldn't fathom that seemed to have shaken his faith in them. He was keeping secrets.

But I threw you the obvious
Just to see if there's more behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy

The library was irritatingly silent except for the scratching of pencil on paper and the clicking of keys. There was a girl talking on a cellphone an isle over and the kid next to him had his headphones up so high that he could hear the crap they were listening to perfectly. Dean dropped his wife's ID card on the pad he'd brought with him trying not to think about how little information was written down there.

He'd been through the theology section. The pagan lore section. The anthropology section. The ancient history section. He'd even rifled through the linguistics section. And all he had was a couple of sentences about how there was an angel named Ariel that at times was confused with other angels.

It was really starting to piss him off.

Here I am expecting just a little bit
Too much from the wounded
But I see, see through it all
See through, see you

“Do you believe that angels can take human form?”

“What like possession? Like Castiel?” she kept her hands busy shaking the water from lettuce and cutting up tomatoes. The chopped meat was sizzling in the pan behind her waiting for the packet taco seasoning because she wasn't in the mood to deal with doing it properly.

“No, that they can stop being an angel and start being human.”

“It sounds like a Kevin Smith movie, in fact I think it is,” Liz looked over at her husband expecting a grin or joking remark on the inaccuracy of the film but Dean was staring at her intensely, with a sigh she put down her knife. “I don't know. There's too much that we don't know. How would it even be possible? Wouldn't it be changing species?”

He nodded and she dumped put the cutting board in the sink. In the past weeks there he had been asking more and more existentialist questions that she couldn't make heads or tales of. Sometimes it seemed like he was afraid that she was suddenly going to disappear. Other times...

Other times he looked at her like she was something he didn't understand.

She shook the thoughts from her head, “Besides why would an angel want to give up on the whole divine existence thing to become human?”

We're passing the time
By breaking apart
We're damned at the end
And we're damned at the start

“She doesn't remember anything.”

“We didn't expect her too,” Castiel said from his side. The sudden appearance of the angel didn't startle him.

“You wanted her to.”

“It would have been more convenient.”

Dean turned to face the angel, no shortage of anger in his stance, “What is so important about her? Why can't you just leave us alone?”

He'd asked himself that more times than he could count at every part of his life. Why did everything demonic or angelic have to fall on his family? All the other hunters out there, why couldn't it be them? If there was some higher power, the God that the angels had so much faith in, Dean wanted them to answer that one question for him.

“Ariel was not just another angel. Michael, Gabriel, Uriel, we've all served with her. Served under her. When Michael threw Lucifer from heaven, it was Ariel who kept back the horde,” Dean kept his head down buried in his hands. “All of this was her domain. For time untold she kept the demons on earth at bay.”

“What happened to her?”

“We don't know but her human existence has broken as many rules as her disappearance.”

'Cause I threw you the obvious
To see what occurs behind the
Eyes of a fallen angel,
Eyes of a tragedy

It had taken Sam twice the amount it should have to find the grocery store and it hadn't helped that all Nate could him was that it was next to the big building. Seeing as his nephew was under four feet tall, that wasn't saying much.

Then to top it off when they finally walked through the automated doors into the frigid air, it turned out the little man was exactly like his father when it came to food and had immediately run to the junk food aisle. Nate had excitedly grabbed at all the processed junk that Liz had specifically said no to and given Sam the biggest most pathetic set of puppy dog eyes.

He was never food shopping as a favor ever again.

Oh well, oh well
Apparently nothing,
Apparently nothing at all

“I feel like we're going around with circles,” Liz let the phrase hang in the air between them her eyes focused on her husbands back. He didn't turn toward her, she hadn't expected him to. “We're really happy until life gets in the way and then it all goes to hell.”

Life. Fathers. Demons. Death. Nerves.

Whatever happened to girl meets boy. Boy likes Girl. Girl likes Boy. Boy and girl date. Boy or girl ask boy or girl to get married. Said pair ties the knot. Pair lives out life with their children, working, and fighting over bills. At what point had it become impossible to just BE together.

Dean kept his back to her and Liz had to fight back the desire to walk away. It was an old coping mechanism that she had thought she'd left far behind her but everytime he pushed her away she wondered if it was worth it. She knew they were. Knew it like she knew the sky was blue but he'd push her away and that thought would flutter through her mind.

'What if I let him push me away? What if I left?'

“Just tell me,” his shoulder tensed under her fingers. “Whatever it is we can work through it.”

Shaking her head, she dropped her hand and stepped back. It was one thing to lose her husband because of lies or death but another for reasons she didn't understand. Feeling what little strength she had left to flight flee she couldn't think of anything more to do.

“I'm not sure where to start.”

She almost cried from relief, “Just start a the beginning.”

You don't, you don't
You don't see me

It had all deteriorated too fast for him to follow.

The plan had been simple, Castiel needed Liz to remember so Castiel would meet with her. As one of her former soldiers they'd figured that maybe he would get through to that part of her. If anything he was an angel and she was more likely to take him seriously than Dean.

At least on the topic of divine origin.

Dean watched as the angel took another swing at Liz, the iron blade flashing in the light. He couldn't get closer or do anything but watch.

When Castiel had handed over Ariel's old sword, etched with runes similar to the ones on the knife they'd taken off of Ruby, they had all been surprised at the ease with which Liz handled it. She had swung it easily as if it wasn't a weapon but an extension of herself. But she hadn't been ready for Castiel's heavy handed attack when she'd gone to put it down after proclaiming the sword 'nice'.

He watched her get driven back, barely avoiding the arching blade threatening to end her human existence until she fought back moving with a fluidity that painted the scene more as a dance than a battle. With precision and grace she went at Castiel again and again driving him back with blows as hard as her human limbs would allow.

They came to a stand still; the angel purposefully withholding and the human unable to reach more. Both swords lowered, Liz's clattering onto the floor her voice threadbare and desperate.

“I'm not an angel.”

For the first time Dean finally understood the implication of what Castiel had told him: his wife wasn't truly human.

You don't, you don't
You don't see me

Pressing her forehead into the smooth slickness of the shower, Liz couldn't feel the freezing water where it was pounding on her back through her shirt, making her jeans get heavier and her body start to shiver. For her, in this place, there was nothing.

Just the crawling under her skin, the echo of a piece of her long lost that Castiel had laid his hands upon. How funny that all it took to shatter reality was a touch. Such a little thing. But then that was all life was. A million little things. A quirk of nature.

“Liz,” Dean's voice was as urgent as the hands pulling her out of the frigid water. She wanted to turn, ask him to save her like he always managed to.

She just wasn't sure if there was anything left to save.

Hey now you're bleeding for nothing
It's hard to breathe when you're standing on your own
We'll kill ourselves to find freedom
You'll kill yourself to find anything

She woke to screaming.

It was her own but not a part of her.

Vaguely she was aware of Dean beside her already out of bed knife in hand. Her warrior, always ready to fight. His figure blurred with images too recently remembered to make sense of. So much death to be held in one person. In her.

On her hands. In her mind. Her fragile human form. So ineffective, so demanding. Too slow to do what was necessary. A hindrance in a war that had been raging for longer than her husbands people had existed.

Anger more intense than she had ever felt ripped through her.

They had tried to destroy her.

She would have her retribution.

You don't, you don't
You don't see me
You don't, you don't
You don't see me at all

[vaifeal]

I think I stole a line from Dogma but I don't have my dvd to check. So lets just say that I own absolutely none of this... which is actually true :}

Consider the Ravens – Dustin Kensrue

I've got bills to pay
Taxman on my tail
Just keep prayin' that
The check's in the mail

Castiel had seen many things in his long existence. He had been there when Lucifer had tried for the throne and been castout by Michael. He had watched as the seals were forged in angelic arrogance one by one to keep him in his cage. When Adam had been cast from Eden and again when divine wrath had flooded the earth, he had borne witness. Since the moment of his creation he had followed orders and he hadn't questioned.

Even when he had been assigned to earth and put under Ariel's tutelage, Ariel who believed that true faith came from questioning, he had followed. It was his purpose. It wasn't until thousands of years later, when humanity had unwittingly lost its way and Azazel once again walked the earth had he felt a prickle of doubt.

His orders came from angels higher in the hierarchy than he was but perhaps they were no closer to the word of God than man was. After Ariel had disappeared, fallen, and heaven had refused to search Castiel had embraced the questions his superior had whispered in his ear.

She had been one of the few to speak to God, she understood their creator as much as one could but it was the will of heaven she had fought against. But unlike Castiel, Ariel had had the authority to back her if she decided not to follow an order.

Any angel that wanted to descend to the earthly plane answered to her, it was her dominion. And it was her who they now blamed for the seals being broken.

It didn't matter that they had abandoned her to whatever fate could have befallen her. The planning that was resulting in so many seals being broken did not come into existence only in the time after her fall. Castiel had never been so disgusted by the host.

He pressed his forehead against that of the human form before him as they had when times passing had wore on them. Mortal brown eyes stared into those of his host but it was Ariel that was looking through him.

There are times it seems
When everything's lost
Now I'm moaning, I'm tossed
And I see..

Liz. Ariel.

The woman wiped the water from her face and met her reflection. So this was a human life. This is what she had fought and bled and tempted death for. What she had spent thousands of years protecting. Such a peculiar thing.

Liberating in its choice. Constrained in its scope.

So little. So much. So confusing.

She wasn't sure who she was at the moment. She wasn't Liz. The body was and a very small percentage of the memories were but she wasn't the human woman she had been a day before. Nor was she Ariel. She wasn't an archangel, her dominion wasn't earth, her grace was gone and she couldn't achieve her true form. There were only memories of what she had once been.

Dark and dangerous and not meant for humans.

She had never felt guilty about some of the things she'd done until now.

Between the river and the ravens I'm fed
Between oblivion and the blazes I'm led
So father give me faith, providence and grace
Between the river and ravens I'm fed
Sweet deliver, oh you lift up my head
And lead me in your way

She took a deep breath and tried to find a medium between the people she had been. There was Liz and there was Ariel and despite millions of years of memories, she didn't know how to reconcile the two. She had too many ties keeping her humanity alive to let Liz fade into nothing but brief set of a memories in a long existence. There was too much riding on Ariel to ignore the otherworldly in her.

Too much to do to allow for inner turmoil. Too much at risk to spend time bring peace to the two halves.

Once again she opened her mouth to try and explain her existence.

“Archangels, we're fierce. Absolute. In the choir there are none more terrifying than us,” Dean winced and she wasn't sure if it was at the idea that a force such as the one she served in had existed the whole time he had suffered or if it was because his wife was including herself in their number. “We are heavens most dangerous weapons capable of wielding the fieriest wrath.”

Like she had know, Sam was the one to break the silence, “Where have these archangels been? With all the demons we've faced we're have they been.”

“It is not our job to fight human wars.”

“They're demons!”

“And they were human once. You have to understand, demons have their own choir. The Morning Star would not have had it any other way. Except instead of the Lord at the top, he is. The demons you've faced, the ones with black eyes. They used to be human and, for all but the first, they are too low on the food chain for us to get involved. It's only the other ones, the former angels, are we allowed to interfere. And even then there are rules.”

“What about Azazel?”

She nodded and flinched. There was too much pain wrapped in that name, “He was an angel at one time.”

“And you left him,” there was venom in Sam's voice and it tried the patience of her angelic nature. The human in her empathized but that part was small and too easy to push away.

Despite the growing distance between who she was and the human she had been it was easy enough to let the biologically driven anger to override Ariel's serene countenance, “Why do you think I had my grace ripped out?”

He paused even as Dean finally showed some curiosity in the discussion, “Do you know?”

“I know.”

I've grown sick and tired
Of trying to stand still
I've learned to let the wind
Blow me where it will

There were few in the choir who had the authority to speak for heaven. Even fewer who could call them all together. Ariel, as one of the Almighty's favorites, had once had that power but trapped in a human form she had to rely on the one who had taken her place to call the appointment.

Azrael. Michael. Gabriel. Raphael. Samael. Zadkiel. Ariel.

Zachariah.

Uriel.

The seven who have stood in the presence of the Lord. The one who was meant to watch over earth and the human on it. And the one who bore the divine wrath unquestioningly into the war.

In heaven or on earth there was no council as terrible as the one in that room.

Castiel was unsure why himself or Uriel were allowed to stay. They were foot soldiers, never before included in any meeting of this nature. Nor had they been in the presence of all of the seven at the same time. Few were privy to their meetings. They met to plan war and to see that the Lords will was fulfilled. But now they met to question one of their own number: The human Ariel who didn't know where her grace was but who held heavens secrets in her fragile human mind. If ever there was a tempting target for the demons, she was it.

“Do you remember who it is who made you fall,” it was Azrael, the voice as cool and calculating in its human host as it was in its true form.

Ariel nodded and began listing those they had hoped not to hear of again once they had been cast out. The highest choir of demons. The ones who would wage war on heaven once more if all the seals were broken.

“Mammon, Asmodeus, Leviathan, Azazel, and of course Lilith was there to watch.”

“They go to far,” Ariel looked at Uriel as if he was an unusual oddity and not one who had fought under her command.

“That is... amusing coming from you.”

Castiel watched the human walk to his fellow angel, her hand discretely wrapped around the sword he had given her himself. He'd seen her wield it as an archangel and he'd seen her swing it at him as a human but he hadn't seen her use it on another angel since the war.

She leaned into Uriel, her voice low but carrying a strength that was only an echo of what it had once been, “You've lost the faith old friend.”

And the room erupted in white light.

Throw myself into
The will of the wait
I can never be great
'til we're free

There were times in a persons life when they had to question every action they had taken and the direction they were headed in. Most people called it being at an impasse, unsure of which way to go even as they where on their way.

Sam had always fought against the tide. At least until Jessica had been murdered.

After she was gone, all he'd thought about was revenge. He needed to kill Azazel for what the demon had done to his mother and to his girlfriend. After Azazel, there'd been no rest because Dean just had to make that stupid deal. Lilith had become the new Azazel and there had been nothing left to hold him back. He was a fighter, throwing himself into finding the monster that had killed his brother.

No one, not Liz with her recriminations nor Nate with his infectious smile, could stop him. Until now. Until that safe, lived in sitting room he'd been thrown out of once before. Liz had said it was how demons had come to be. Lucifer twisting a human until they were lost to hatred, greed, and perversion.

The devil had created a perfect minion. Lilith. The first of her kind but not the last. All it had taken was the creative mind of a angelic sociopath and some blood. A little blood to make it all possible.

When Castiel had explained to Dean that his desperate bid to get off the rack had been the first seal, he'd watched his brother crumble and thought him weak. Sam ran his hands through his hair trying to shake away the shame and disgust and the last words whispered into his ear by a woman that wasn't just his sister-in-law anymore.

“I know what you've been doing Sam. I can smell it on you,” he could feel her breath on his cheek. The death laced in its warmth. She'd been an archangel. She had blood on her hands and God at her back. He'd felt his heart stutter. “You need to get in line or we will have to put you down. Do you understand Sam?”

He understood because she had put down Uriel after leaving him and his brother to their thoughts, and she had done it without blinking. He understood because she had told him in words he'd never expected to hear, without any emotion in her voice. She'd told him exactly what he was becoming. Exactly what it meant.

Dean had been the first seal.

Sam was the last.

Between the river and the ravens I'm fed
Between oblivion and the blazes I'm led
So father give me faith, providence and grace
Between the river and ravens I'm fed
Sweet deliver, oh you lift up my head
And lead me in your way

Dean watched as his wife, if that was what she still was, placed a hand on Castiel's arm before leaving him with the rest of the monosyllabic drones. While he could easily pick up a dozen changes between her now and from before she remembered Ariel, at least she hadn't completely turned into one of them.

She sat next to him and he reached for her but only met empty air. That stung more than he would admit.

“I suppose you want answers.”

“That'd be nice.”

“You were meant to be one of mine Dean,” he stared at her, his features hard. That wasn't his wife talking. “A human incarnation of an angelic soldier. Divine origin without divine grace. We've only created them once before. The first time the demons tried to break the seals I was given permission to interfere with the creation of human life. We given very strict instructions about that.”

“So I'm an angel.”

“No. You're a warrior, a being between a human and an angel. You have free will and can go where we are kept from but you were supposed to have our... my guidance but Azazel got in the way. He always was a dramatic bastard.”

“So what? I was just tossed aside?”

“No-”

“You want me to fight now. Be a good little soldier.”

“Yes. No. Dean-”

“Which one is it?”

“Calm down Dean.”

“You just told be I've been tapped as some holy weapon and you want me to be calm?!”

Petite arms wrapped around his waist and he felt the frustration drain out of him, “I'm sorry.”

Although I'm walking through
The valley of the shadow of death
Evils all around
It's coming from the right and the left

What Dean and Sam didn't understand about the nature of the Lord was that She was not a tangible figure. She was nature and everything in it. The good, the evil, the creative, and the destructive. She knew everything because She was everything. There were very few times that She took on a single physical form since She preferred to instead let the world take its course without Her interference. She had created all of existence and left it to her creations to care for.

Unless the angels failed, She would not take action.

Liz looked over at Michael where he was standing next to her both of them watching the sun slowly move down the horizon. When a person had all of eternity, time held no meaning. It was ironic that now they had so little of it.

“Samael is searching for your grace. He believes he will find it shortly,” she couldn't hold back the wince and Michael saw it. “Do you not want to return to heaven?”

“It's more complicated than just going home. I have a son Michael. Not a Nephilim but a human boy. Did you think I could abandon him?”

“Your son will play his part.”

“If any of you try and possess Nathaniel I will kill you myself,” there was more venom in her voice than she thought was possible. But she would kill anyone, of heaven or hell, who went near him.

“We are at war.”

“And I am trying.”

“It is not enough,” they glared at each other. Well, Liz glared and Michael studied her through shuttered eyes.

“Do you think I chose this Michael? You have no idea the amount of suffering and self-doubt is involved with being a human.”

“You will be an angel again soon enough,” her whole body shook with anger that was getting her nowhere. There were reasons angels did not react to stimuli as humans did.

“We have more pressing problems then finding my grace,” he gave her a curt nod of agreement. “We need to purge the ranks. There are more traitors in our midst.”

“Of this I have no doubt.”

There was almost a thread of excitement in his voice. Michael always did love a good fight.

Trust that I will see
The glory above
Oh, your banner of love
Flies over me

Liz crawled into their bed and pulled the covers over them as she snuggled into her husbands side. She was human, she needed rest even if her mind was buzzing and demanding that she not rest. Angels didn't rest not even when the job was done. She hummed slightly, her fingers drawing pictures on Dean's chest. Designs lost to time.

She finished one loop and lead it into another. One day, they could save his life. If only there was time to show him. He should have known them long ago.

“I don't want you to leave,” she stilled her hand letting it rest against his heart.

“I don't want to leave,” he pulled her tight letting images of other nights where they had laid just as they were run through her head. “I don't know what to do Dean. It was my charge to keep the Demons in hand and I failed.”

“This isn't all on you. Where were the rest of them?”

“It wasn't their job. Azazel was mine. I threw him out. I was to keep earth safe.”

“Liz...”

“You don't get it. I was an archangel Dean. I wasn't this magnificent source of light. I was darkness and death and destruction,” a humorless laugh escaped her lips. “Did you know that in some lore I'm a demon?”

“They can fight without you.”

She picked up her head, her brown eyes connecting with his green, “I don't want to leave you. I want to stay and see Nate grow and spend every night here with you but I can turn the tide in this war. I know them. I've kept them at bay for thousands of years. I can do this. It's what She would want me to.”

“How do you know there's even a God to fight for?”

“Because I've been in Her presence and She would not want the destruction that would befall us all if Lucifer walks free.”

Between the river and the ravens I'm fed
Between oblivion and the blazes I'm led
So father give me faith, providence and grace
Between the river and ravens I'm fed
Sweet deliver, oh you lift up my head
And lead me in your way

[vaifeal]

Coconut Skins – Damien Rice
In the first section Liz is reading 'The Neverending Story' by Michael Ende

You can hold her hand
And show her how you cry
Explain to her your weakness
So she understands
And then roll over and die

The warm head of her son pressed into her shoulder as the pair of them lay on his bed. His hair tickled her arm through her shirt and his hand was bunched against her stomach in a half embrace, and for him she fought to keep the detached quality from her voice as she steadily read the book they had stated when she had existed solely as Nathaniel's mother and Dean's wife.

“For a long while Bastian looked after her as she hobbled off. He wasn't really happy about sending her away. He went to his luxurious tent, lay down on the soft cushions, and gazed at the ceiling. He kept telling himself that he made Yikka's dearest wish come true. But that didn't make him feel any better. A person's reason for doing someone a good turn matters as much as the good turn itself.

“But that made no difference to Yikka, for she really did find the white, winged stallion. They married and she had a son who was a white, winged mule. His name was Pataplan and he made quite a name for himself in Fantastica, but that's another story and shall be told another time.

“From then on Bastian...” she continued to read the words even as the black lettering began to stand out too sharply against the cream page and her human eyes began to drop. The boy continued to fight against the sleep that was tugging at him, the part of him that was her was screaming the same warning that she had held off for as long as she could. “... The belt Ghemmal will show you.”

She snapped the book shut as she finished the section and made to move off the small mattress. They only read one portion a night, it was their custom. The reasoning had been that it would keep the child, who was quickly beginning to exercise an independence fostered by angels, from separating himself entirely from his mother. They'd made it through Koontz's Oddkins, a book Jeff Parker had read to her in her youth, and she had purchased the current one at the suggestion of an employee of the bookstore.

It was an enjoyable story.

“Mommy?”

“Yes Nathaniel,” she stared down at the brilliant green eyes he had inherited from his father and momentarily let herself settle back into the bed.

“Can you read more?”

“Just this once then you will sleep,” he nodded against her and tightened his grip as she began where she had left off. “When the camp was set up that night, Bastian went to his tent. He ordered Ilwan, the blue djinn, not to admit...”

You can brave decisions
Before you crumble up inside
Spend your time asking everyone else's permission
Then run away and hide
Or you can sit on chimneys
Put some fire up your ass
No need to know what you're doing or waiting for

When the mind is given too much information and a life is on the verge of collapse, the people who were unfortunate enough to suffer these fates fell into two categories. Either they crumbled along with the shattered remains of their lives or they forged ahead, creating something new with or without the fractured pieces of their past existence. Dean had always fallen into the latter category, a fact that had attracted Elizabeth Parker from the beginning.

He had been, quite literally, the reason she had made it as far as she had. Even during the times he had been dead, both in lie and in truth, she had known that if he had been her he would have gone on. Humans were resilient creatures. In someways more so than angels, even if this was only in their ability to adapt.

The trait had been known before his birth. Nothing less could be expected in the offspring of the couple that birthed him. Even before Azazel had come for Samuel, the family had been touched by demons. Open conduits to the supernatural. Ariel had used her grace to spark Dean's existence and in doing so ensured that they would always be tied together.

Ariel had created him and bound the abilities she had gifted him with to keep him out of heavens general knowledge and then she had been lost before she could ensure that between the two boys, Dean would be the stronger.

The Protector.

She sat down at her desk in the little office she had used when she needed to grade lab reports and Nathaniel had kept her from staying at the university. Leaning back into the computer chair she raised her face into the moonlight and tried to let her mind drift away from the exhaustion that was threatening to overcome it.

“How close were you with my wife,” it was Dean's voice directly outside the study window. She knew that tone well. It was the one he used when he was not sure if he wanted to know the answer he suspected he would get.

Its use was appropriate even if the question was not. She had not been his wife when she had first known Castiel. His people had barely developed.

“I knew Ariel well.”

With a mental shake she pushed them from her mind and rested.

But if anyone should ask
Tell them I've been licking coconut skins
And we've been hanging out
Tell them God just dropped by to forgive our sins
And relieve us our doubt

Sam was still trying to reconcile what he had been told when the war started in earnest.

He had been sitting in the living room in the unnaturally still house, waiting like everyone else for word on what seal the demons had broken or were attempting to break, when Azrael walked in. The hosts face was as blank as it had always been but there was a quiet hum of energy simmering just below the surface as the archangel that was new.

The archangel strode past him to where Liz had emerged from her study a moment previously, as if she had known he was approaching, and spoke the words that would start the involvement of the most feared of the Host.

“We have located Lilith.”

Oh you can hold her eggs
But your basket has a hole
You can lie between her legs and go looking for
Tell her you're searching for her soul
You can wait for ages

The abandoned convent was both the first and last place that they expected to find Lilith. Adam's first wife had always had a flare for the dramatic. It had been one of the reasons that the Morningstar had so little resistance in tempting her into a life of perpetual sin. Eve might have been painted as the creator of original sin but the perfection of the garden had only been a myth and it had been Lucifer through Lilith that had shown the world its first true evil.

She stepped through the battling figures, knowing she was not needed. The demons surrounding Lilith were for show alone. As the object of final destruction of the cage they'd forged for their greatest foe, the demon was aware that they would not risk her death even with other seals still remaining. In the end it would be Samuel Winchester to spill her blood but it was too soon and she could feel the creatures need to push the boy closer to breaking as she had once broke.

Full white eyes shone with age, taking in her fragile form. The demon had the advantage against the frail human figure she had come to accept but there were still the memories and skill of an archangel to contend with. She might not be able to send demons back to hell with a touch but she did remember the old ways.

“Lilith,” she lunged the steel blade flashing in what little light was streaming through the stain glass windows.

Ecstatic hatred twisted the hosts face, “Ariel”

Watch your compost turn to coal
Time is contagious
Everybody's getting old
So you can sit on chimneys
Put some fire up your ass
No need to know what you're doing or looking for

Dean had never seen anyone move as quickly and as deadly as the archangels did. Michael and Raphael made quick work off the demons who stood in their way but even with their addition, there was enough demonic fodder that Lilith was out of his reach.

Sam was at his side as they moved through the bodies as steadily as they could, each passing Ruby's blade between them. They were covered in blood and sweat but still they fought. Time melted away until a cry of “Ariel” ripped through the din.

He turned sharply, green eyes searching for the familiar form of his wife and started as he found her pinned against the wall by the seductive blond form of Lilith's new host. The hand against her throat visibly tightened as he started shoving his way toward her. He wouldn't lose her, not again.

Desolate amber eyes burned into him before turning away. Dean followed her gaze and watched as Michael pulled a small vial from around his neck. With a face full of apologetic sin, the archangel threw down the object that would destroy his family.

“NO!” Dean screamed out as his wifes lips curved around the same word.

He was dimly aware of Castiel ordering for him to cover his eyes from the growing white light before he was tackled to the floor and met the darkness.

But if anyone should ask
Tell them I've been cooking coconut skins
And we've been hanging out
Tell them God just dropped by to forgive our sins
And relieve us our doubt

One part more part to go. I'll try to get it up soon but I'm working on my dissertation and unfortunately that comes first. Thank you for putting up with me :}

[vaifeal]

The book in section one is Labyrinth, the excerpt in section 2 is from Henry V (act III), and 'vade in pace' means go in peace.


Pour la Ça – The Stills

Pense a moi la prochaine fois que
Tu entendra la rumeur des vagues
Et si elles te disent que tu m’as fait
Que du mal, t’en fais pas
J’suis la pour ça

Dean adjusted Nate where he was leaning on his shoulder and pulled his small form closer to keep him from sliding off the couch. It had been months – four months, two weeks, three days, and thirteen hours – since Liz had died, truly and fully ceased to exist: Castiel had managed to explain that much before he had been made to return to heaven with the remaining Archangels.

The human that had been Elizabeth Parker-Winchester had been destroyed the moment Ariel's grace had tried to enter the form. Nothing of her remained, except perhaps a shadow of a memory in a creature built for the sole purpose of carrying out orders from a source more powerful than he could imagine. There was nothing left. No remains to bring back to her parents and cremate. No proof of what had passed for those that weren't intimately acquainted with the supernatural.

To the rest of the world Liz could have run off or, for those whose imaginations tended to the more sinister, Dean could have put her in the ground to rot and be forgotten.

Nate's small fists bunched the flannel shirt held tightly in his hand. The angels had kept their word and hadn't contacted his son but the boy had still drawn in on himself. Without the host whispering in his ear, without his mother next to him to provide the comfort she had for his whole life, and living with a man who had already left him twice, his son was terrified. Dean could feel it in the way he held on so tightly and shuffled closer when he reentered a room.

Being a full time parent wasn't something he knew how to handle and most nights he found himself wishing that Liz was there with him letting him know if he was doing it right. He had always figured that if he ever had children he would give them everything he hadn't had a kid: A stable home and a real family.

So much for that plan.

The book that sat in his hand, the pages pressed into his lap as he tried to maneuver the pages with a couple of fingers, was worn from a lot of use in a small period of time. He had tried to read Nate different stories but every night his son would reach under his pillow and bring the tattered classic to the living room for Dean to read and Dean could never say no. Sam, when he came back from any number of hunts, let his opinion range from the attachment being a harmless coping mechanism to pushing them both to see a therapist.

No one was going to tell him about his family, not when they couldn't hear a fraction of what really went on in their lives, so Dean kept reading the book and hoping that by trying to protect what remained of his family he wasn't fucking up too badly.

“She commanded her armored giants to halt. Strangely, they did not obey but marched on. She flew into a rage, jumped out of her litter, and ran after then with outstretched arms...”

La mer connait pas le fil du temps
Qui nous rapproche et nous sépare

Somewhere between dreams and full consciousness, Dean saw Ariel again.

The form she was inhabiting was different, a tallish pale skinned brunette with too many freckles and not enough emotion, but he knew it was the archangel that had ruined his family non the less. She no longer felt anything like his wife, instead the cold ache that had inhabited his chest for over four months persisted with a strength that could have brought him to his knees if he hadn't become so accustomed to it. Like always he wondered if this was what Liz had felt both times he had been gone, dead to her.

Dean closed his eyes and tried to will himself awake. Wherever he was, this place with the feel of a storm in the air and death in every crash of waves, was not meant for human eyes. It was an ancient place that until the day he died would fill him with the same fear he felt whenever he ever thought about being thrown back into hell.

The voice that broke through the din was terrible in the power it could wield and separated itself more fully from the the warm tones that had embodied Liz.

“Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more; Or close the wall up with our English dead. In peace there's nothing so becomes a man. As modest stillness and humility: But when the blast of war blows in our ears, Then imitate the action of the tiger; Stiffen the sinews, summon up the blood, Disguise fair nature with hard-favour'd rage; Then lend the eye a terrible aspect,” Ariel turned away from the approaching storm and pierced him with flat blue eyes, keeping away the anger that had been growing for months by terror she wrapped around her. "I always did enjoy Shakespeare."

He didn't respond, preferring to pretend he had the ability to make any sort of decision in his life.

“There is a war coming.”

“Not my problem.”

“It is the problem of all. These skirmishes are only a minor prelude to what Lucifer will bring down. He will raze all of existence to the ground.”

“After all the shit that has happened because of all of you, I really don't give a shit. Now wake me up.”

An amused smirk passed over the archangels features, “You are lucky I am so fond of you. You will fight Dean, as you always have, and I will be at your side as I was meant to be.”

“Like hell.”

“That is the price to be paid but I am not so cruel as to leave you with nothing,” a warm hand pressed into his forehead and he felt himself being pushed into awareness. “Vade in pace.”

Vive la marée haute et vive la basse
Mais surtout vive la différence
J'suis la pour ça

Liz let her mother wrap the thick quilt around her shoulders as she fought to stop the tremors from shaking her entire being. It had only been a couple of hours since she'd woken in the desert, alone and naked and apparently with no memory of the last several years. Her hands tightened around the frame she had taken from the side table.

In the picture she had her arms wrapped around a little boy around the age of four or five years old, her dad had told her that the boy was her son Nate but it couldn't be. Her son was an infant, a mother didn't just forget her child.

She squeezed her eyes shut, pressing her face into the pillow, and wished that the memories would come back. She remembered John and the cold of the urn he had forced into her hands and she remember the blind fear of giving birth alone except for the nurses she had never met before. Everything after that was a blur before it gave way to nothing.

What had happened to her?

Laisse couler le bateau
Oublie tes mœurs
Laisse-toi aller et n’ai pas peur

The door crashed open, Dean barreling through without pausing to slow his momentum. The familiar form of his wife was curled up on the couch and the startled warning shouts of his father-in-law wouldn't keep him from her. Not now. Not ever. He crushed her to him, ignoring the initial resistance she offered before she melt into him harsh sobs ripping through her.

They stayed entwined together for sometime before her mumbling finally became clear letting him understand what Jeff had been trying to tell him over the phone.

“You're alive. You're alive.”

She said it again and again, not letting go and not even glancing at Sam where he was standing in the door carrying a sleeping Nate. They had driven through the night, pushed forward by his need to know if it was truly Liz or if the higher powers that had been playing puppet master in his life were as cruel as they let themselves seem.

“I knew John was wrong. I just knew it.”

Dean met Nancy's gaze from across the room, letting her know that he understood and that he wasn't going anywhere. Liz might not be the woman he'd lost but she was still his. He'd help her anyway he could. If they couldn't fix whatever had happened, he'd find a way to guide her through it.

Les mecs c’est des salauds
Mais peut-être pas tous
Remplis ton verre et a nos amours

Castiel and Ariel disappeared from the street in front of the restaurant as if they'd never been there but knowing that soon it would be necessary to return. Perhaps Dean would not be so quick to condemn the host after this act, the recreation of his mate. They had needed to take all the memories from when the latent Ariel had started to emerge in order to keep the human from being a security risk but she was as she once had been.

The war that was coming would need the Winchester's more than at anytime in the past and the host was willing to compromise to ensure their cooperation. Dean Winchester would fight and his family would be left alone. That was the bargain.

And all deals would be collected on.

J’suis la pour ça


Fin.

Thank you for your support and your patience over the course of this story. This part wasn't as clear as I had wanted it but it needed to go up now or the story would've never been finished. Still, I hope you all enjoyed it.