I see that not much has changed/been updated on the AU-board since I left my last message… Are people not here that much any longer…? Or is it just us writers being MIA?
Anyway…
First off, I would like to thank SmileeUk, Natalie36 and Alien_Friend (I'll respond to your feedback in the next chapter post) for leaving me a post and letting me know that you're still here. I really appreciate it!!!
Secondly, I have decided to let you in on something personal. I have struggled with the choice of doing so or not, but after my "writer's block" lasting for more days than I wanted, I feel like I should really let you in on what's going on behind the scenes.
Here goes;
Around the time I was writing about Liz's miscarriage, I myself found out that I was pregnant with my first child. After struggling with Lyme Disease for several years (actually, without knowing I had it) I finally got a diagnosis and was treated. I'm pretty certain that the Lyme Disease was a big cause of infertility for me, since my body in general was functioning very poorly. Hence, it's no brainer that my body wouldn't be that into creating a child when it could barely meet its own requirements. My fiancé and I had tried to become pregnant for 11 months without any success. For 10.5 months of that time, I was riddled with borrelia (Lyme disease). As soon as the borrelia was gone, I got pregnant.
I was ecstatic. But nervous and scared. As any first-time mom would be, I guess.
Unfortunately, I would miscarry that child. My theory is that I got pregnant too soon after the borrelia had been cleared. My body had not gotten enough time to recuperate from having that disease for approximately 4 years. And it was kinda eery how what I had written in this fic earlier echoed into my own real life. How I found myself in a bathroom with blood running down my legs, searching through placenta and tissue in the sink just to see if I could find the fetus. (I was only 9 weeks along) How I sat in the shower pushing to get blood and pieces of placenta out. I didn't have a Max to check on me medically, but I had my own love of my life doing everything he possibly could for me. He was my hero those two days during which the miscarraige lasted. Eventually, I ended up in the emergency and was given morphine and got to stay the night.
I didn't write much after that. I was destroyed. I didn't feel like I had the right to be sad, since it was barely a human being yet. So how could it be missed? But I felt like a failure and desperately tried to find reasons to Why and if it was my fault.
The doctor told us to wait one cycle before we tried again and we obeyed. The first cycle we were allowed to try again, I got pregnant again. I really didn't expect that to happen so soon, but on the other hand I felt stronger than I had in the previous pregnancy.
I'm 7 weeks now and I'm keeping all fingers and toes crossed that this pregnancy will pull through. It's a constant check of my panties when I go to the bathroom to see if there is any blood/spotting. Because that's what started the miscarriage off the last time.
But the nausea is worse this time around. Which I've been told is a good sign. However, it means that I'm having troubles doing literally anything. I can't get my mind around how I should get through every day at work, but somehow - up until now, at least - I've managed.
Which brings me to the reason why this fic is not being updated at the moment. The Nausea. I can't think, can't eat, can't sleep, can't function with it. Making it really difficult to write. But if there's a baby on the way, I'm even more eager to get this fic written and done, because I have a feeling I might not have that much time to write after the baby arrives. So I'm struggling a bit now, but I'm hoping that it'll get better and that the nausea will ease off some. And once it does, I'll be back at writing.
Thank you all for being here, waiting. I hate being away from this place
Love,
Jo
Baby is doing fine. I went to a first ultrasound last week and baby was bouncing around, making it difficult for the sonographer to take the measurements she needed 
