The Unknown Aliens (Teen) - Complete 2/10/06

[dreaming of the incrowd]

This was written for the challenge at majiks world of fan fic. It's pure fluff and fun. here are the requirements

Must include the following phrases

Hot Alien Sex - if you're not writing Roswell, you can still use the phrase or change it to Hot Monster Sex

Evil Bitch Monster of Death

It's not just about sex, I really do love you

The Fic must ALSO include

The fic must include a death (be creative here) - death does not necessarily mean a HUMAN BEING

Some type of Sporting Event

Reference to the song I'm too Sexy by Right Said Fred

A plunger

A goldfish

A giant heart shaped box of chocolates and a boquet of flowers


The color pea green
_________________________________________

Title: The Unknown Aliens

Rating: Teen

Disclaimer: Right, if I owned anything, would I be doing this? Seriously, Roswell belongs to a lot of other people, none of which are me.

Author’s Note: We’re going to pretend that Alex never died, and Tess was never evil for this. Written in response to Majik’s World of Fan Fic Challenge.


“I so do not want to do this,” Michael said.

“Right, like I do?” Max responded.

“Don’t be stupid, Michael,” said Alex. None of us wants to do it. But it’s for a good cause, and besides,”

“You’d do just about anything to impress Isabel,” Kyle finished with a smirk.

“Fine, whatever,” Michael sighed. “I just want to go on record for saying this is a very bad idea.”

“Yeah, yeah, we know,” said Alex. Okay, everybody ready? Max, cue the music.”

** * ** * ** * ** *

Isabel sat gingerly on Michael’s faded and stained couch and leafed through a magazine. She was afraid to get too comfortable, lest some stains transfer themselves from the couch to her clothing.

“What are you reading?” Maria asked pulling the magazine from Isabel’s hand. “Oh please, don’t tell me you buy into any of this. Dear Doctor Love,” she read. “My boyfriend keeps telling me ‘It’s not just about the sex, I really do love you,’ and my mother keeps telling me it is about the sex and that’s all he wants. I don’t know who to believe anymore. What should I do? Signed, Confused in Peaksville.”

She flipped the magazine back to Isabel and rolled her eyes.

“Please, how lame is that?” she asked. “Now if there was an article entitled “Having Hot Alien Sex with your Alien Boyfriend,” I might be interested.”

“Maria!” Liz cried from the kitchen where she was searching vainly for a clean glass.

“Well, come on, admit it, don’t you wonder sometimes?” Maria asked. “I mean, you guys are equipped with all the appropriate pieces and parts, right?” She looked at Isabel and Tess, waiting for an answer.”

“Sorry, I can only speak for myself,” said Isabel, “and yes, I’m equipped with all the necessary equipment.”

“Well, what about Max and Michael?” Liz asked, drawn into the conversation in spite of herself.”

“Sorry Liz, can’t help you there,” Isabel said.

“Well, weren’t you guys naked when you emerged from your pods?” asked Maria.

“Maria!” Isabel laughed in spite of herself. “We were six years old, scared and confused and didn’t speak the language. I was not checking out Max and Michael to see if they had the potential to be well hung later in life!”

The four girls burst out laughing, their delicate giggles at odds with the decidedly male décor. The only concessions to femininity were the struggling houseplants Isabel had brought over, and the small goldfish in a bowl donated by Liz.

It was the goldfish that captured Tess’ attention. She watched as it made a few half-hearted attempts to swim around the bowl before it sank to the bottom, it’s gills barely moving.”

“Uh, I think the goldfish is dead,” she announced.

“Damn,” said Maria. “That’s the third one this month. He keeps killing them, and I keep replacing them.”

“Why?” asked Isabel, struggling not to laugh at Maria’s obvious distress.

“I think having a pet is good for Michael. It teaches him compassion and sensitivity,” she said with a straight face.

The other three girls burst out laughing and Maria quickly followed suit. Tess picked up the bowl and marched to the bathroom while the others fell into line behind her.

“We’ve gathered here today to pay our last respects to…what’s his name?”

“Norbert,” Maria answered.

“To Norbert,” Tess finished. “He lived valiantly and died with dignity, and it is with great sorrow that we send him to that great fishbowl in the sky.”

“After we flush him down the dirty toilet bowl in Michael’s apartment,” Isabel said.

Tess ceremoniously dumped the deceased fish into the toilet and flushed the handle. The toiled made a loud gurgling noise and Maria began to scream.

“Oh my God, Oh my God, Oh my God! Norbert started swimming!” she yelled while the water drained from the bowl. “Quick, grab a plunger, get him back. It may not me too late!”

Liz looked around frantically, trying to contain her laughter, but couldn’t find a plunger anywhere in the bathroom.

“I’m sorry, Maria, Michael doesn’t have a plunger,” she said, trying to keep a straight face. “But I’m sure Norbert wasn’t really swimming. Maybe it was just some involuntary nerve reaction due to the cold water, or something.”

“Don’t worry, Maria,” Tess said. “It was me. I used my powers to make it look like Norbert started swimming. I thought it would be funny.”

“I don’t know whether to kill you, or laugh,” said Maria.

“Go with laughing,” Isabel advised. “It causes less wrinkles.”

Laughing, the four girls left the cramped bathroom. Liz reached out and held Tess back, slightly.

“You didn’t really make the fish swim, did you?” she asked.

“No,” Tess admitted. “But she looked so sad at the thought of killing a goldfish, I had to say something. Let’s just keep it our little secret, okay?”

“My lips are sealed forever,” Liz agreed.

The four girls sat around the living room, waiting for the return of the guys and planned the rest of there evening.

“So do you all want to meet at the game?” Liz asked. The seven of them made an effort to attend as many basketball games as they could to support Kyle’s attempt to have one non-alien related activity. He loved the game and enjoyed being a member of the team, and none of them wanted to take that away from him.

“What about after. Do you all want to do something together, after the game, or go our separate ways?” Isabel asked.

“Well, Kyle said something about maybe going to the Valentines Day Dance in the cafeteria after the game.” Tess said.

“Yeah, Alex said the same thing,” Isabel added. “I guess their doing some sort of talent competition, but his band isn’t eligible because they’ve actually gotten paid for performing. This thing is amateur hour only. Liz, what about you and Max?”

“I’m not sure,” Liz admitted. She was kind of upset that Max didn’t seem to remember that today was Valentines Day, but she didn’t want to bring the rest of the group down. “I think we’re just playing it by ear.”

“Yeah, well, Michael said something about going bowling,” groused Maria. “That is so not my idea of a romantic Valentine’s Day, but then again, Michael Guerin wouldn’t know romantic if it jumped up and bit him on the ass.”

“Maria, maybe he’s going to surprise you,” Isabel said.

“This is Michael we’re talking about,” Maria said. “Remember he wanted to give me a car bumper for Christmas?”

“He told you about that?” Isabel asked, outraged. “I told him not to say a single word about that.”

“Relax, Isabel. The earrings were beautiful, but it wasn’t a Michael Guerin gift. I wormed it out of him.”

“A car bumper?” Tess asked. “He wanted to give you a car bumper?”

“Don’t ask,” Maria said. “You really don’t want to know. Hey, I have to head over to the pet store and get another goldfish. Anybody want to come with me?”

** * ** * ** *

The all decided to head out together and do a little shopping; new clothing was a must for the Valentine’s Day party at school.

“Though why I’m bothering, I don’t know,” Maria said, mournfully. “I just know I’m going to end up at the bowling alley. I swear, if Michael had his way, bowling would be an Olympic event, either that or foosball.”

“Relax, Maria,” Tess said, opening the door to the trendy new boutique that had recently opened in town. “Michael may surprise you.”

“I doubt it,” Maria said, darkly, sending the other three girls into fits of laughter.

“Welcome to Desiree’s Dress Oasis,” a voice greeted them as they entered the door. “May I help you find – oh, it’s you,” the voice concluded.

“Oh, hi, Pam,” Liz muttered. None of them liked Pam Troy very much, but Liz hated her more than the others. Pam had a gift of finding a person’s weakest point and zeroing in on it like a heat seeking missile. Liz had been her victim more times than she cared to remember, the first time being the day Liz had worn the cupcake dress her mother had made to school. Pam had been as viscous as a kindergartener could be, and Liz had never forgiven her.

“Sorry, Liz,” Pam said in a voice laced with saccharine. “We don’t carry cupcake fashions. That went out about, oh wait, it never was in fashion.”

“Just ignore her, chica,” Maria said, steering Liz away from Pam. “She’s nothing worth the energy you’d expend even thinking about her. Be calm, be pacific, here, sniff some cedar oil.”

“I’m fine, Maria,” Liz said, her eyes shooting daggers at Pam. “You’re right, she’s nothing, and nothing she can say or do is going to bother me.”

The four girls browsed around the shop, trying on various outfits that caught their eye. Some were stunning; some were merely ridiculous, while others bordered on the obscene. Tess exited the dressing room in a particularly provocative outfit consisting of a black leather bustier and mini skirt just as a group of Pam’s friends entered the store. The Pamalettes as they were known quickly clustered around their friend and listened as she made caustic remarks about Tess’ ensemble.

“All she needs now is a whip,” Pam said in a mock whisper. “Of course, it will probably take more than that to get Valenti to perform now that he’s gone in for all that eastern mumbo jumbo.”

Tess glared at Pam, and it was only Maria’s grabbing her arm that stopped her from completely destroying the other girl.

“Just let it go, Tess,” Maria whispered. “Like I told Liz, that chick is so not worth the effort.”

The small group of girls giggled appreciatively, and Pam, secure in the knowledge that none of the others would say or do anything to stop her continued her diatribe.

“The one that gets me, is Isabel,” she said, watching Isabel flip through the racks out of the corner of her eye. “I mean she used to be so popular, but ever since she started hanging around with uber geek Alex, she’s been dropping in the polls ever since.”

Tess reached out and placed a restraining hand on Isabel, who was prepared to use her powers to blast Pam into oblivion. Isabel’s face was a mask of fury. Alex was one of the sweetest, most considerate, nicest guys ever, and the thought of that skanky ho saying anything really pissed her off.

“Don’t Isabel,” Maria said, under the giggle of the Pamalettes. “Don’t let her see she got a rise out of you.”

Isabel shook of Tess’ restraining hand but shrugged her shoulders.

“Fine,” she groused. “But since when have you become the voice of reason?”

“Apparently, when it comes to Pam Troy, I’m the only one not worthy of her notice,” Maria said. “And believe me, I’m not sad about it.”

The four friends laughed among themselves and continued to search the racks, looking for the perfect outfits for the evening. Maria had just pulled out an emerald green tank dress and was comparing it to a red velvet A-line when Pam decided to make her, or rather Michael, her next target.

“I suppose she’s lucky to have him,” Pam said in a fake whisper to her friends. “It’s not like anybody else would ever want to date her. Of course, he’s practically sub human. Can he even talk? I don’t think I’ve ever heard him do anything more than grunt. Me Michael, you be girlfriend.”

The Pamalettes giggles were lost in the buzzing noise that filled Maria’s head. Without thinking she dropped both the dresses she had been holding and launched herself at Pam Troy.

“I’ll kill you, you evil bitch monster of death!” she shouted.

It took Isabel and Tess to hold her back while Liz thrust herself in between Pam and Maria. The manager came rushing out from the stock room to see what was causing the disturbance.

“She attacked me, Mrs. Keil,” Pam cried. “She just lunged out and tried to claw my face off.”

“Is this true?” the manager asked, turning toward Maria.

“Yes, actually it is,” Maria said, forcing herself to regain her composure. “But only after she maligned myself, my friends, our boyfriends, and the way your merchandise looked on us. I believe her exact words were ‘These tacky outfits are perfect for tramps like you,’” Maria lied glibly.

“You get out,” the manager said, looking at Pam. “You’re fired. I’ve had just about enough of you anyhow. You’re always late, you never do anything, and your friends are always hanging around here, and they never buy anything.”

“Uh,” Pam squeaked.

“No. Not another word,” the manager. “Punch out and leave. I’ll mail you your check.”

Pam glared at the four girls and stomped out of the store, her group of friends trailing behind her.

“I’m really sorry for the disturbance,” Maria said. “We’ll leave.”

“No, please, I’m quite sure it was Pam’s fault,” Mrs. Keil said. “I’ve been less than pleased at her performance. And to make it up to you, and to keep you as customers, each of you can purchase one outfit at fifty percent off. My only request is that you tell all your friends where you bought it.”

“Gladly,” said Maria. She and the others quickly made their choices and paid, and promised to sing the praises of the store to all their friends.

“Do you think she realizes that our best friends are two aliens, a Buddhist wanna be and a music freak?” Tess asked as they walked down the sidewalk.

“Speaking of that, Buddhist wanna be dead ahead,” said Liz, pointing to Kyle who was leaving Maria’s mother’s store with a large bag in his hand.

“Kyle, hey Kyle!” the girls called.

Kyle paused only long enough to wave and to relay a message from the others.

“We’ll meet you in the caf after the game,” he said.

“Aren’t Max, Michael and Alex going to the game?” Isabel asked.

“They have something to do,” Kyle said, evasively. “I have to run, see you later.”

** * ** * ** * ** *

The game over, the girls walked through the dark hallways of the school, making their way from the dank gym to the cafeteria. Tess was fuming because Kyle had left a note for her back at their house telling her to just go ahead without him and he’d meet up with her later.

“This is not turning out to be a very satisfactory Valentines Day at all,” she said. “I’m starting to think I was better off when I was living with Nescado. At least I didn’t have all these human expectations to deal with.”

“Shut up Tess,” Liz said. “You’re here, you have expectations, and you’ve been totally dumped upon, just like the rest of us. Welcome to the human race.”

“Woooo,” Tess said, laughing, “sarcasm from Liz Parker. What would your mother say?”

“I don’t know about her mother,” Maria interjected. “But my mother would say ‘Screw them, honey, you don’t need a man to make you happy.’ Then she’d get dressed up and go out with her friends and have a good time.”

“Pretty much what we’re doing,” said Isabel. “We have just mastered life lessons from Amy Deluca. Graduation ceremonies will be held at the Valentines Day Party.”

The four friends were laughing when the entered the cafeteria and were immediately assailed by flashing lights and hearts and pounding music. Up on the stage, a garage band played, badly, but that didn’t seem to bother the students who were gyrating to the music.

“That’s not music!” Maria yelled. “That’s assault and battery on my ears!”

The girls laughed and threw themselves into dancing wholeheartedly. When the band finally finished, they received a resounding round of applause despite their obvious lack of talent.

“Ladies and Gentlemen of West Roswell High,” the MC announced. “Our next act is something new and different. They’re called the Unknown Aliens, and what they are about to do, is out of this world, no pun intended.”

The four girls looked at each other in shock and amazement.

“They wouldn’t,” said Isabel.

“They couldn’t,” said Liz.

“They didn’t,” said Tess.

“They would, they could and they did,” said Maria, pointing to the stage. “Look.”

They pushed their way through the crowd to the foot of the stage and stared up in amazement. On the stage were four guys wearing long pea green wigs, Zorro style masks, black pants and skintight white tee shirts. Their arms, hands and what skin was visible on their faces were painted purple.

“I’m too Sexy,” by Right Said Fred began thumping from the sound system, and the guys on the stage began to dance in an amazingly well choreographed routine. As they danced, the lip-synched the song with incredible accuracy, and the crowd screamed and clapped in time to the music.

“Oh my God, he is so HOT!” Pam Troy yelled when one of the four stepped out in front and began to move in a way that would have garnered him an audition with the Chippendales. Maria smirked, she knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that the dancer Pam was drooling over was Michael.

They watched as Max reached out and Kyle on the shoulder, while Michael danced back and touched Kyle. The lights on the stage went out and their bodies started to glow. They spun around so their backs were to the audience and all four bent down to pick something up.

Michael led the line, dancing down the stairs to the audience, followed by Kyle, Alex and Max. They spun and danced around having the time of their lives while the girls in the audience screamed and cheered. They took a minute to locate Liz and the others in the audience, and danced their way over, their hips bumping and grinding in time to the music. With a flourish, they presented Liz, Isabel, Tess and Maria with a large heart shaped box of chocolates, and a bouquet of flowers. They dropped quick kisses on the girls cheeks and danced off out of site, just as the music ended.

The audience crowded around Liz and the others, laughing and talking and demanding the identity of the four dancers.

“We don’t have a clue,” said Maria, laughing. There was no way she was going to out Michael what had to be the most romantic thing he had ever done.

The MC tried to regain control of the audience but with little luck. They were too pumped up from the performance of the Unknown Aliens. The crowd was so loud, it took the girls several minutes to realize the guys were standing behind them, with smug looks of satisfaction on their faces.

“Happy Valentines Day,” they said in unison.