Author: cardinalgirl
Rating: TEEN
Disclaimer: I’d like very much to say that Sean Deluca belonged to me, but no one would believe me anyhow.
Summary: Still reeling from Alex’s death and Tess’ betrayal, Isabel takes a break from the world at a small bar outside of Roswell. She’s there to run away from things, but she finds herself running into someone who will help her to remember, and to heal.
Author's Note: This is dedicated to truelovepooh, written for the healingstories challenge for Support Stacie. I've chosen to place it in the Alien Abyss because of the thematic content and the experimental style. This was never the format I planned on this being written in—it came about with the necessity of the deadline and word limit—but now I feel like this was just the perfect way to tell this story. And since I kinda forgot that it happened, let's pretend these two never interacted in Off the Menu, okay? Okay.
Something to Lose
i.
“Tough day?”
The two words made Isabel Evans cringe. She hadn’t driven the thirty miles to Hondo to be hit on by some moron with crappy lines.
“Hey, haven’t I seen you somewhere before?” When she still didn’t answer, he tried again. “Do you come here often? Or—”
“Listen, buddy, whatever you think you see in me, just forget about it, alright? I’m not in the mood.” Isabel said this with all the carefully-trained coldness she could muster, but at the moment she was too exhausted to make a convincing act.
“Hey, hey,” the man said, in a surprisingly gentle voice. “I wasn’t trying anything, I swear. You just look like you could use someone to talk to.”
Finally, Isabel turned to look at her assailant, and was surprised that he did look vaguely familiar. He was maybe twenty-two or -three, with light blond hair, a little curly, and green-blue eyes. She couldn’t point out who or when exactly, but she’d definitely seen him before. “I really don’t think anything you say could help me, no offense,” Isabel said, after a pause.
“Well, you never know if you don’t try,” he offered. “And besides, who says I have to say anything? You’re the one who looks like she needs to talk. I can just listen. An anonymous ear, you know?”
“And what are you expecting in return?” Isabel asked, looking at him sharply. There was something in his eyes, a kindness that she wanted to trust, but years of hiding had made suspicion a knee-jerk reaction, especially when it came to strangers.
He shrugged, undaunted. “Nothing. Just the chance to think about somebody else’s problems, forget about my own for a while.”
As he spoke, she saw a flash of something dark in his eyes, hurt. She had a feeling he hadn’t been having the best week either. She felt within herself that nothing could possibly compare to the loss, shock, hurt and betrayal she’d been through the last few days, but she wasn’t looking for someone to outdo her in pain, just someone to let her feel it. It felt like everyone at home was trying to get her to forget, trying to make her want to forget.
She had no desire to brush all of this to the side. She’d come here, the first bar she could find in Hondo, to sit alone and to wallow, without her mother trying to cheer her up, without running into Max and Liz, or Michael and Maria, all trying to settle back into life as usual.
Michael had chosen Maria over leaving Earth, and Max had apologized to Liz and begged her forgiveness. It wasn’t like the girls had forgotten about Alex’s death in all of this, of course, but they were trying to move on. Everyone seemed to have some means of moving on except for Isabel.
When she’d learned about Alex, she’d wanted to leave Roswell, get as far away as she could, so she could just forget. But Max had forbidden her. Actually blackmailed her into staying. He’d had reasons, and good ones, but with Alex gone, and with her dreams of escaping to college out the window, she felt like she was stifled in every direction. She had no purpose, no attainable goals, no hopes left to her name, and no one to turn to in the meantime.
She wished, for the first time, that she’d built a better connection with Liz and Maria. She’d always thought there would be time for it, that they’d have to grow into some semblance of friendship over the years, but that plan had always had Alex running interference between the two, and without him, it seemed hopeless, ridiculous, even. Much as she loved her brother, and much as she knew he loved her, he wasn’t about to fight any battles for her, especially where Liz was involved. Michael might, but Maria probably wouldn’t be inclined to listen to him. She and Liz would go on forever believing nothing more than that Isabel had strung Alex along and broken his heart on the way. Sure she’d finally given in and decided to really give him another chance, but that had all happened the night before he died, and for all she knew, Liz and Maria might not have even known how much the prom had meant to them both.
She realized suddenly, that the man sitting next to her was still waiting for an answer, waiting patiently, with that kind look in his eyes.
Letting out a deep sigh, Isabel turned to him, and looking him straight in the eye, almost desperately, she said in a rush, “Have you ever felt guilty for something you didn’t do?”
He cocked his head, thinking. “You mean, something you should have done, but didn’t?”
Isabel pressed her eyes shut, thinking of all she could have done for and with Alex. “Well, that too, but I meant, have you ever felt guilty for something someone else did?”
“How do you mean exactly?”
Isabel took a deep breath, willing herself to control her emotions. “Suppose someone hurt somebody you care about, and even though you know that you didn’t hurt them yourself, you still feel like it’s your fault that they got hurt. Do you know what I’m saying?”
He thought for a moment, and finally nodded. “I think so. I know this girl, right? And so far as I can tell, her boyfriend is all wrong for her. I mean, this guy hardly even seems to see her anymore, you know? And they even broke up for a while, but he’s going around kissing other girls and making her feel guilty for just hanging out with me, you know what I mean? And it worked. She wouldn’t leave him for it, even though it was killing her. It drove me crazy, but I couldn’t stop it, you know? I mean, I can’t control her life. That kind of what you’re talking about?”
Isabel felt a slight disappointment, because it seemed so trivial compared to what had happened to Alex, but she shrugged. “Something like that. Only imagine the guy was one of your best friends, somebody that you really, really trusted, and that he’d done something completely unforgivable to her.”
His eyes narrowed suddenly. “This isn’t… like one of those non-hypothetical ‘I have a friend’ things, is it? Did somebody hurt you?”
She looked up, surprised at his words, and even more surprised to see genuine concern in his eyes. She didn’t even know this guy, and he was worried about her. She smiled gently, shaking her head to persuade him. “No, no I’m fine. It really is a friend that got hurt. It’s a long story.” She glanced at her watch and realized with a start that it was almost an hour later than she’d thought. She’d left her cell phone in the car, not wanting to be disturbed, and she wondered if her mother had tried to call. “Actually, I think I should be getting back to Roswell.”
Suddenly he straightened on his stool. “You’re from Roswell?” he asked, surprised. “No wonder I thought you looked familiar.” At her questioning look, he went on. “I’ve been staying at my aunt’s house in Roswell the past couple of weeks. I spent a lot of time growing up there, too. I can give you a ride back if you like.”
Immediately the alarms went off in the back of Isabel’s mind, and she shook her head. “No, that’s fine. My car’s right outside.” Well, her mother’s car, but technicality.
He didn’t push, though, which was again a pleasant surprise. “Well, get back safe, then. Nice to meet you…?” he trailed off, hoping for her to finish.
She smiled, thinking that maybe, just maybe she’d actually met a decent, friendly guy. “Isabel. Isabel Evans.”
As soon as he heard her, though, he pulled back. “Evans? As in, Max Evans?”
Isabel’s eyes widened slightly, the alarms back, and she arched an eyebrow. “Who wants to know?”
He grinned, and stuck his hand out. “Sean Deluca. Pleased to meet you.”
It was Isabel’s turn to be surprised. “Deluca? As in, Maria Deluca?”
“Who wants to know?” he teased, and she blushed, which made him smile. “Yeah. Maria’s my cousin.”
She nodded, unable to keep the smile off her own face. “Max is my brother. Come to think about it, I think I’ve heard Maria mention you. You’re not her favorite person, are you?”
“Hey, you have heard of me,” Sean assented, jokingly, and Isabel’s smile widened.
“Wait, aren’t you…” she sat back down for a minute, and glanced over him, his leather jacket, dark clothes. “Aren’t you some kind of petty thief or something?” she asked, pulling together what she’d heard from Michael about the cousin staying with Maria.
Sean looked mock-offended. “Petty? Me?” he said, holding a hand to his chest, and Isabel laughed again.
“You kind of have too much of a baby-face for a hardened criminal, you know?” she teased.
Again he balked, this time, more genuinely. “Don’t you think I heard that enough from the guys in Juvie?”
Isabel started, and her hand went over her mouth in reflex. “Oh my gosh, you actually went to Juvenile Hall.”
Sean winced a little, like he wished that hadn’t come up, but he shrugged. “Well, you know. I took a few rides in a few cars that weren’t exactly mine. I always tried to get them back to their owners in one piece, though.”
“Tried?” Isabel asked, amused.
“Well, obviously I got caught at one point… but I’m out on parole now.” Sean shrugged again, indicating the end of the story.
Isabel nodded, not alarmed by his illegal activities. He’d been a kid, after all, and he hadn’t done anything really harmful. That she knew of. She’d double check the story with Maria.
And then she remembered something else she’d heard about him. “Oh, wow. You must be the one that’s hung-up on Liz, too, huh?”
At that, Sean blushed. “You know you really have the advantage over me here, Isabel.”
Then she remembered the earlier part of their conversation, and her mouth opened in surprise. “She must have been the girl you were talking about. And my brother was the good-for-nothing boyfriend, wasn’t he?” she asked, already guessing the answer.
“Hey, I’m sorry about that. I had no idea…”
But she brushed his apologies aside with her hand. “Please. Max may be my brother, but as far as he and Liz as a couple are concerned, they’re none of my business. He doesn’t really talk to me about it, and I probably never would have hung out with someone like Liz if it weren’t for my brother.” She held a hand up defensively. “Not that there’s anything wrong with her.”
But something seemed to click on Sean’s side, and he ignored the last part. He snapped his fingers. “Hey, that’s where I know you from. Prom night, red dress. That was you, right?”
Isabel gasped, surprised. “How did you…” And then she remembered. “You took the picture of us. At the Crashdown.”
Sean smiled. “Guilty as charged.”
Isabel loved that picture, of all of them, smiling. It was truly their last good night. And before she knew it, there were hot tears pricking at her eyes. “I should thank you for that. For that picture. It’s really, um…” she trailed off not sure how to express herself, and looked away, blinking hard to clear the moisture from her eyes.
“Oh, man,” Sean breathed, as he made the connection. “You were with Alex, weren’t you?”
At hearing the familiar name, Isabel looked back at him. “You knew Alex?” she asked, softly.
“Yeah, sure. I’ve known Liz and Alex almost as long as Maria has. I’m sorry about what happened to him. He was a good kid. Not my biggest fan though, I’ll admit.”
“Why was that?” she asked, curious.
Sean shrugged, not quite looking her in the eye. “I was kind of a jerk to him. When we were kids I’d make fun of him for hanging out with girls and stuff. Used to call him Alice.”
Isabel laughed, guiltily. “That’s horrible,” she said.
He pulled a face. “I probably shouldn’t have told you that, huh?”
But Isabel shook her head. “Actually, it’s kind of refreshing,” she said, realizing as she said it that it was true. “The last two weeks of school all these people were coming up to me saying things like, ‘oh he was such a great friend,’ and ‘oh, I liked him so much,’ etc. Like they even knew him. I feel like I barely knew him. But you just told me something true about him, that I’ve never heard before. So thank you.”
Sean looked at her, mildly. “Well, I could tell you a bunch of stories about Alex Whitman, if you wanted me to, but…” he paused, and tapped his wrist. “Weren’t you on your way home?”
“Oh!” Isabel said, surprised that she’d let time slip away from her once again. “Yeah, I was, actually.”
He pulled his wallet from his pocket and flung a couple of bills on the table. “It’s probably getting dark by now. C’mon, I’ll walk you out.”
Isabel suppressed a smile. Who would have figured that Sean Deluca, who Max hated and Liz rejected and Maria couldn’t stand… would turn out to be such a decent guy? With a slight nod, Isabel tidied up her own bill—for a gin and tonic she’d discreetly turned to tonic and tonic, she’d been upset but she wasn’t stupid—and followed him towards the entrance.
Once they were outside, Sean paused, waiting for her to indicate where she’d parked her car.
“I’m just over here,” Isabel nodded, towards the better-lit area closer to the street. “The champagne-colored Mazda.”
“Hey, you’re right next to me,” Sean said, another childish but seemingly-genuine smile breaking over his whole face.
Isabel looked at the cars on either side of hers and made a quick guess. “The Mercedes?” she asked, impressed.
But Sean cleared his throat, and looked at his shoes suddenly, as if embarrassed. “No, other side, actually.”
Isabel looked back at the cars, and couldn’t help a little laugh. Could this guy possibly be more full of surprises? “Aren’t Bugs kind of chick cars?”
Sean’s head shot up, offended. “It’s a Beetle,” he said distinctly. “And it’s a convertible. What do you want?”
Isabel smiled, teasingly. “It’s still a chick car.”
Sean just shrugged and grinned good-naturedly. “I guess we have a difference of opinion. I don’t know what to tell you.”
Isabel had started unlocking the driver’s side door of her car and was now talking to Sean over the roof of it, where he leaned against his own. She paused, fumbling with the keys. “Listen, Sean, about what you said… I mean, well you didn’t exactly, but I was wondering…” Isabel bit her lip. What she wanted to ask would make her far too vulnerable for her own liking, but at the same time she had a feeling she needed this. Sean was watching her questioningly, and Isabel forced herself to come to a decision. “It’s just that, you were right. I don’t really have anybody to talk to about Alex. I mean, Max didn’t even know him, basically, and neither did Michael, and I’ve never really been all that close with Liz and Maria…” Isabel shrugged, looking away from him. “The truth is, I wasn’t exactly nice to Alex most of the time, either. I mean, I guess I can’t blame them for holding it against me, but I can’t fix it now. I just…” she trailed off, suddenly too tired to go on.
“You want to meet me at the Crashdown for lunch tomorrow?” Sean asked, and she smiled at him, grateful that he’d jumped to the point for her.
“Do you mind if we pick up lunch and go to the park or something?” she suggested, then covered her face in embarrassment when she realized it sounded like a pick-up line. “I mean… just so there aren’t as many people?”
“You afraid of being seen with me?” Sean asked, only half-joking, she could tell. He probably got that a lot in a small town.
She shook her head quickly. “No, no not that. Well, actually yeah,” she recounted, “but not for reputation’s sake. More for privacy…” And maybe a little bit so that she wouldn’t be under speculation by Liz and Maria and whoever else out of the group was bound to be at the diner.
He nodded, accepting that. “Then it’s a date. Oh, gah, no,” he interrupted himself, wincing at his own words, probably thinking of Alex. “It’s not a date. Sorry. I’m kind of naturally an insensitive jerk sometimes, I apologize. But it’s… an appointment?”
Isabel felt herself smile at his clumsy attempts at gallantry, and nodded as she opened the door of her car to let herself in. “It’s an appointment.”
ii.
“So Alex is standing there, his entire body covered in red paint, the girls are screaming bloody murder, and Mr. Parker comes downstairs just in time to see Alex come flying at me. He knocks me over and is just flailing at me non-stop. Maria’s crying, Liz is screaming, and I know it just makes the kid madder, but I can’t stop laughing and he bruises three of my ribs before Mr. Parker drags him off of me.”
Isabel couldn’t remember the last time she’d laughed so much, and she couldn’t seem to stop herself, the image of a dripping, painted, ten-year-old Alex Whitman pounding on a hysterical Sean was too comical for words, and Sean’s deep laugh wasn’t helping her any.
She wiped the tears of mirth from her eyes as she was starting to catch her breath. Sean had been telling her story after story about Alex’s younger years, and though it ached, Isabel felt like she was actually getting a glimpse into something real of his past.
“I can’t believe Mr. Parker ever thought it was a good idea to have you guys paint the Crashdown.”
“Hey, it was a pretty new establishment then, he wanted to cut a few corners,” Sean said, unable to wipe the grin off his face as he thought back. “You know he and Mrs. P did all those murals themselves?”
“I had no idea.” She said, impressed. She and Max hadn’t become regulars at the Crashdown until about high school age. Before then the obvious alien theme had distressed her too much to spend much time there.
“So tell me about your thing for Liz.” Isabel didn’t know where the words came from, and she looked almost as surprised to hear them as he did. She rushed on to make it sound like she’d meant to speak all along. “I mean, you and Max are so different, it just surprises me that you’re both so interested in the same girl.” She tried not to wince as she spoke. That didn’t even make sense, and she knew it.
“Because all the guys who’ve fallen for you over the years have all been the same?” he asked, smirking at her.
She rolled her eyes, but couldn’t entirely hide the smile at being caught in her own word trap. “Well they definitely haven’t all been like Alex. Actually, it’s not like that many guys have fallen for me,” she said. “I mean, not seriously.”
He shot her a c’mon look, and she rolled her eyes. “I’m serious. If you want to ask about all the guys that have fallen in lust with me, that’s another story. But…” she shook her head, rolling her eyes. “Guys don’t fall for me. I mean, Alex did. And there was this guy, Grant, but…” Isabel pressed her lips together. Was she honestly babbling? What was wrong with her?
“So what happened to this Grant guy?” Sean asked, but his near-teasing dropped to flat curiosity at the look on her face.
“Um, he… died,” Isabel said, her face flaming. “In this… bizarre… accident.” Well, it was bizarre, at least.
“Oh.” He looked slightly uncomfortable, not that she’d expecting anything else. “I’m sorry.”
She passed a hand over her eyes. “Gah, you must think I’m cursed or something.” She didn’t even know what she was doing, talking to a total stranger about this stuff. But the truth was, Sean didn’t really seem like a stranger, the way they knew all the same people. He felt almost like… a friend. How odd was that?
When she dared to look at him again, Sean was watching her. “Is that what you think?”
She’d forgotten what she’d said.. “Is what what I think?”
“That you’re cursed.”
Isabel opened her mouth, then shut it. Words drifted into her memory. Gah, I must be the biggest freak on the planet. She sighed. “Sometimes. Maybe.”
She didn’t want to think about what Alex’s response had been. That someday, when she was ready… She pressed her eyes shut. Why hadn’t she been ready sooner?
She sent Sean a silent plea to change the subject, and he seemed to pick up on it. “So you want to know about the thing with Liz?”
Grateful, she nodded.
Sean chuckled. “I don’t know. I guess she’s just always kinda been off limits for me. She and M were always together, growing up, and you wouldn’t believe how many times Maria told me I wasn’t allowed to look at her. And then this thing with Max…” he raised an eyebrow at her. “You sure you want to be hearing this?”
“Please.” It was only fair she give him a listening ear in return for his. She almost felt like they were partners in this, warding off… something. She didn’t want to call it loneliness, even if that’s what it was.
Sean shrugged gruffly. “I don’t know what it is. It just feels like he’s dangling her from a string or something. She’s just… not Liz when she’s around him.”
Isabel shrugged, delicately. “Or maybe she’s changed.”
He snorted, like he didn’t like that idea much better, but then he shrugged again. “Yeah, maybe.”
She sighed. “Look, Max is… anything but perfect. But he does love her. And he’d never say it, but he was really grateful that you were… there for her. When… when Alex died.”
They were quiet for a moment, then Sean lifted an eyebrow at her. “Do you want to talk? About Alex?”
Isabel wrapped her arms around her knees. “I don’t know what to say about him. Alex just… saw me. Better than I ever expected anyone to see me.”
“That’s nice.”
She nodded. “Yeah. But I… I think it kind of scared me, sometimes. I’m not usually a very… open person.”
“We’ve all got our secrets,” he said, genially.
Isabel laughed. “You have no idea.”
iii.
“I guess I’m just not used to trusting people.”
He snorted, one of those dark looks passing over his face for a moment. She was getting used to those. She still didn’t know a lot about the details of his life, the things that had brought him to where he was now, but they’d been talking a lot lately. She didn’t have a lot to do over the summer, had put off planning things like college, because she got frustrated just thinking about it lately, so she had some time on her hands, and he worked nights. He was a natural insomniac, so neither one of them slept much.
She liked that she could be straight with him. He wasn’t asking her to put on a show or keep things polite. She could say anything. Well maybe not anything. But almost.
“I should have trusted Alex. More than I did.”
“Isabel, come on.”
“I should have. I pushed him away for so long…”
He shrugged. “You can’t blame yourself for that. It’s just how we’re built.” Something about the way he said it sounded like he meant ‘we’ as in the two of them, not just people in general.
Instead of letting herself sink into that thought, she said, “You don’t seem like the type who has trouble trusting people.”
He let out a laugh. “Yeah, well, you’re not people.” At her startled look, he said, “I mean—well, firstly, no offense or anything, but you’re a gorgeous woman.”
Isabel felt her face heating up, not altogether in a nice way. She asked, offhand, “You think that offends me?”
“I think you’re tired of the label,” he said flatly.
Isabel turned a reluctantly surprised face to him. “How do you know that?”
He shrugged. “The same way I know that Mr. Schwartzman double-checks his register five seconds after I leave the grocer’s.” Her mouth opened to protest, but he shrugged. “It’s just instinct, I can see it on your face.” Then he chuckled. “Besides, you should have seen the look you gave me the first night we met. Like you coulda ripped my nads off if I tried to hit on you.”
Isabel laughed in surprise. “Well you’re perceptive, I’ll give you that,” assented. After a moment, she asked, “What happened to secondly?”
Sean raised an eyebrow. “Huh?”
She graced him with a smile. “You said firstly I was… um, attractive. But I have a feeling you don’t talk to every pretty girl like this…?”
“I didn’t call you a pretty girl,” he countered, teasingly, but his eyes held her gaze for an instant too long, and Isabel’s face froze. She looked away. She didn’t want to see in case she’d hurt him.
“And?” she pressed. She didn’t know why she was pushing this, but something about what he’d said shocked her. He said he didn’t trust “people,” as in he trusted her? She finally raised her head to look at him again, and he shrugged.
He shrugged again, something that she noticed he did when he was embarrassed, or looking for the right words. “And I don’t know, you’re not as hard-boiled as you act, which you kinda know. But you’re also… you’re also a lot tougher than you think.” He scratched his eyebrow, in a manner that reminded her of Michael. She would have found it comforting if Michael weren’t being such a pain at the moment. “What I mean is,” Sean went on, bringing Isabel’s attention back to him, “I think you’ll be okay. Even with Alex, and with… whatever it is you’ve got tethering you to Guerin and your brother.”
He threw a scant glance at her, but Isabel delicately avoided his gaze. She knew he was curious... but so far he hadn’t pushed the issue. “They still don’t approve of me talking to you,” she said, scoffing despite her natural inclination to avoid the subject entirely.
Sean snorted. “The two of them act like they own the whole freaking town,” he muttered. And then more clearly, “And you guys let them, too.”
She heard the challenge in his voice, and part of her wanted to go along with it and let him abuse her brothers to the ends of the earth, but she couldn’t stop herself from saying, “They’re just trying to look out for me.”
“By not letting you go to school?”
Isabel rolled her eyes. She never should have told him about that. “They’re not… ‘not letting’ me. It’s complicated.” She paused, her voice icing over. “And it’s none of your business.”
He shot her a look, half-angry and half-hurt, and Isabel winced. “I’m sorry, Sean. Michael and Max are my brothers. I’m not always happy with their… opinions. But we’ve been through a lot together.”
Sean looked like he was struggling with something, then finally, he said, “All I’m trying to say is that I don’t think you need them. You’re bigger than Roswell, New Mexico, Isabel.”
iv.
“Hey, you wanna go do something?”
“Sean… it’s the middle of the night.” She wouldn’t say she regretted giving him her cell number, but…
“Yeah, but you’re up, right?”
His voice was so eager that she all she could say was, “Don’t you have other friends?”
“Ha, ha. Come on. A quick round of mini-golf.”
She snorted. “Sean, it’s the middle of the night. And this is Roswell.”
“Yeah, but I know a guy.”
“You’re crazy.”
“And you need to get your butt out of the house. Be outside in ten minutes.”
She was about to protest when she realized he’d hung up. Scoffing, she stared at her phone in misbelief. She was halfway through reorganizing her closet—but she rolled her eyes and threw on a pair of jeans, and exchanging her sweatshirt for a top and a jacket. Nothing fancy—this was just Sean—but she wanted to look presentable, at least. She was Isabel Evans.
She rolled her eyes at herself at that thought, as she made her way quietly out of the house. She was technically an adult now, but her parents would still do more than raise an eyebrow at her if they saw her heading out the door past midnight, and she wasn’t interested in being asked questions at the moment.
“You’ve got to get a new car,” she said, wrinkling her nose as the apple-green bug pulled to a stop.
He rolled his eyes. “Get in.”
They didn’t end up at Black Hole Putt Putt Golf Course. She didn’t protest when Sean drove straight into the desert, though. She felt… safe, with Sean. Which didn’t even make sense, but it was true. A part of her knew he was itching to get out of the state, and that she was the only thing keeping him here. She didn’t know how she felt about that.
The small cabin of the beetle felt almost like a confessional booth at night, and before the silence pressured her into giving something away, she said, “You haven’t mentioned Liz in a while. You’re not actually over her, are you?” She gave him a mock-surprised look.
Sean pulled a face. “What’s the point? She never wanted anybody but Eva—your brother, and I don’t know. Plus, she’s happier now, I guess. I don’t wanna mess that up.”
“I’m sorry, Sean.” She wasn’t really. Well, not about the Liz part. She was sorry for him, though.
He shrugged. “Truth is, I don’t think about her much anymore.”
Something about his casual voice bristled in her heart, though part of her felt guilty for it. Sean had been great these past few months, the best outlet she could have asked for, but for anything else…
She needed more time. Maybe forever. Sometimes she wasn’t sure.
She found her voice in time to make them both laugh, but only barely. “Maybe Maria can set you up with someone.”
v.
“I’m sorry. No, I’m not sorry, I mean—” He swore. “You don’t know how long I’ve been wanting to do that, but I didn’t mean to, I just wasn’t thinking, and—Dammit, Isabel, would you say something?”
She only half-heard him. She was replaying it all in her head. They were alone in the house—Max was on a date and her parents out of town for one of her dad’s trials—but that wasn’t really a new thing. Sean had become a fairly common fixture around the house. Maybe a fixture Max glowered at and her parents silently disapproved of, but he was always on his best behavior for Phillip and Diane, and he was nearly as good at ignoring Max as Isabel herself. Mostly Max was just glad Sean wasn’t “bothering” Liz anymore.
They’d been watching TV, and she’d stopped on some movie and he’d been teasing her about letting him choose since he was the guest, and it turned into a game of remote hog. She should have seen it coming, but somehow she didn’t. It felt completely harmless—she’d done this with Max and Michael thousands of times, and usually she found some way of winning, but then her hair had wrapped around her face and even gotten into her mouth, and he was brushing it away for her and then—
He was kissing her. And then he was pulling away. And then he was apologizing. And gah, she couldn’t move. Her vision was blurring over and she just couldn’t move.
He let out a slew of curse words when he saw the tears in her eyes. He sighed. “I’ll go. You want me to—I should go.”
“Why?” The whispered word barely sounded like her voice.
“Why should I go?” he asked, incredulous.
She could just manage to shake her head a fraction of an inch. “Why,” she tried again, “did you…”
Again, he sighed. “Come on, Isabel, you don’t need me to tell you that.”
“You don’t want to be with me, Sean.”
“And who the hell says that?” he demanded.
“I do.”
“Well we both know it’s a lie.”
“No, Sean,” she said, her voice sounding stronger, and her eyes dryer. “You don’t want to be with me. Even if you think you do, you don’t, and if you don’t listen to me, I will just push you away. I’m good at that.” Just ask Alex.
“Actually, You’re crap at it, Isabel,” he said, surprising her. “Anyway, it’s too late. I’m already in love with you.”
The declaration was like a bucket of ice water thrown in her face, but after a moment she said calmly, “You can’t be.”
“Can’t be?” he demanded. And then his eyes gleamed with a combination of realization and aggravation, along with a reprise of guilt. “This is about Alex, isn’t it?”
Isabel huffed. “Obviously.”
Sean rolled his eyes, his frustration apparent. “No, not because you miss him. I mean, this is about Alex and that Grant dude and this freaking cycle of guilt you’ve trapped yourself in, isn’t it?”
Isabel’s mouth hung open. She didn’t know if she were more shocked or angry at what he’d said. She wasn’t hurt, that would come later. No, she was outraged. “How dare you. How dare you say that I don’t miss Alex. How dare you try and act like what happened to him wasn’t important to me just because you’ve got some little crush on me like a dozen other men—”
“It’s not a crush,” he cut in over her, sneering the word like it was distasteful to him. “And believe me, Isabel, nobody knows how much you miss Alex as much as I do.” She went to protest, but he clamped his hand over her mouth so she settled for glaring at him instead. “I’m not finished.” When he spoke again, though, his voice was softer. “Look, Iz, I know that you miss him. I know that that will probably never change. I’m not even saying it should. All I’m saying is that you don’t have to be alone forever.” She tried to speak from behind his hand, but he wouldn’t let her. “Look, I’ll be your friend for as long as you need a friend. But whenever you’re ready for something more, I’ll be waiting, okay?” he said, as he released her.
Isabel was a whirl of emotions, half of which she wasn’t quite ready to name just yet. Instead, she swallowed dryly.
“Whenever I’m ready.”
vi.
“Well… that definitely explains a few things.” That was all, and a bewildered expression. Of course he’d been shocked and disbelieving when she’d first started telling her story, but now that she was finished?
Isabel started talking over her amazement at his non-reaction. “I shouldn’t even be telling you this. Max and Michael will kill me. After what happened to Alex, we made a pact that we wouldn’t let anyone else in, ever.” Then she scoffed. “As if we’ve never broken pacts before.”
“No way could that be fair to you, though. What, were you just supposed to be alone for the rest of your life? Or what—lie? Have to hide who you are for the rest of your life?”
“I don’t think it even occurred to them, really. I mean, they’ve got Liz and Maria. Maybe they were just hoping I’d fall in love with Kyle and everything would turn out nice and tidy.” She rolled her eyes.
Sean started to laugh, but something stopped him. “Wait a sec,” he said, suddenly serious. “What are you saying? Are you telling me this because…”—he made a self-deprecating sound like a laugh—“because you love me?”
Her eyes filled with tears at his words, and the hopeful expression on his face. “Gah, I feel like I shouldn’t. But I never told Alex that I loved him, and I… I needed you to know.” She wrapped her arms around herself. “If anything happened to you and I’d never told you… I just couldn’t face that again.”
“Hey, hey, nothing’s going to happen to me,” he said, pulling her into his arms. He’d held her before a few times, but never as close as this. Nor had he ever gently kissed the top of her head before.
When she pulled away, she laughed, though, albeit shakily. “I wouldn’t be too sure about that. Max and Michael really will want to kill you.”
“Let me worry about them,” Sean said, nearly grinning. His grin faded quickly, though. “This stuff never ends, though, does it?”
Isabel sighed. “I don’t know. Right now we… we think we’re safe. We’ve been safe for a while now. But the truth of it is…”
“The truth of it is that it’s your life.”
She took a breath, grateful for his matter-of-fact tone. “Yes.”
“And it’s always going to be your life.”
“Yes.”
He nodded, his arms folded across his chest. “I’m okay with that.”
She looked at him, disbelieving. “How could you be okay with that?”
“As far as I can see Liz and Maria are both okay with it. You think Max and Michael waste time questioning their motives?”
“That’s different. They were basically forced into this. They didn’t have a choice in the matter.”
“Well the way I see it, I don’t have a choice in the matter either.”
“Yes you do! You can walk away. That’s why I’m telling you this, Sean. So that you can turn around and walk away if you need to.”
He snorted. “And what the hell kind of a waste of space would I be if I did that?”
“You wouldn’t. You’d be completely sane, and actually pretty smart.” Isabel kept her voice controlled. She had a lot of practice at that, and yet at the moment it was proving difficult.
“Isabel, I told you I loved you. You think I’m just going to turn around and run now because of this?”
Isabel swallowed, not meeting his eye. “I’m just saying that I wouldn’t blame you if you did.”
Moving towards where Isabel had retreated to, he lifted her chin. “Look, Iz, I’m not perfect. Hell, you probably know that better than anybody. But I’m good for my word. I love you. I’m not going anywhere unless you’re going with me.”
She licked her too-dry lips, and she couldn’t stop herself from saying, “You can’t promise that.”
Sighing, he leaned so that their foreheads touched. “I can promise it’ll never happen by choice. And you can’t live in fear of the other stuff, Iz. I mean, isn’t it better to have something to lose than not to have it in the first place?”
Eyes shining, she shook her head, laughing softly. “Why do you sound so smart?”
vii.
“You sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah, yeah. I just… I need to do this.”
He nodded. “I’ll just… be over here, then.”
Isabel’s hands were shaking as she made her way over the perfectly-manicured grass of the Roswell cemetery. Even though memories of the last time she’d been here were hazy in her head, her path was sure, and she had no trouble finding the exact spot she was looking for. How could she forget?
For a moment she just stared at the plot, the slightly withered flowers someone had placed there recently. His parents, maybe. She felt the echoes of fury in her heart. He’d deserved so much better than this, a tiny plaque in the ground with his name—but that wasn’t why she’d come. She took a deep breath to prepare herself.
She started out haltingly. “I’m sorry I haven’t been here since the funeral… it’s hard for me. I hate seeing your name in stone like that, I hate it. Because it means that you’re really gone, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to face that. But I’m… leaving Roswell… and I had to come and say goodbye. We’re headed to San Francisco. I don’t think we’ll be there forever, but… we needed a change. I needed a change. And things are safe now. Things here are fine. Everyone’s alright. Liz and Maria are doing okay. I know you’d worry about them, but they’re really… okay. Maybe someday they’ll even forgive me for moving on with my life. Maybe. I mean, they haven’t really… said anything. They just… miss you. I miss you.”
And suddenly the words were pouring out on top of each other. She couldn’t stop them.
“Gah, I miss you, Alex. I miss you so much. I miss… the way your eyes change color depending on what shirt you’re wearing, or even what kind of mood you’re in. I miss how I fit in your arms when you held me. And that spot on your shoulder that was perfect for laying my head on. I miss the way you smell, and I miss hearing the chain from your pocket watch slap against your jeans when you walk.” Her eyes filled with tears and she had to stop for a moment. Rolling her eyes as she wiped the moisture away, she gave a shaky laugh. “I miss the way you would be looking at me right now, like I’m being way too serious about things and need to lighten up.” She took a deep breath. “But mostly… I miss all the possibilities we had. We had this whole life ahead of us, Alex. And I really wanted a chance at having that perfect life with you. I really hope that somewhere, in some… alternate reality, where I wasn’t an alien princess and you didn’t— Maybe somewhere we did get that happy ever after. I have to believe that, Alex.”
She stopped and swallowed, the lump in her throat making it painful. “I wish I could talk to you about Sean. I wish I could… I don’t know, know that you were okay with me…” she stopped, shook her head at herself. “Can you even believe this? I’m standing here in front of you wishing I could get your permission to go out with another guy. Bet you never saw that coming, did you?” She laughed again, a little stronger this time. “I bet you never imagined you’d see me with Sean Deluca either, huh? He’s sorry about calling you names, by the way. And he…” she paused, feeling guilty in spite of everything. “Loves me. He loves me. He even… sold his car for me. It’s a long story… but he wants me to be happy, and… I think maybe he can make me happy.”
She took a deep breath, then, her arms wrapped around herself, her eyes glued to the grass at her feet. “I’ll never stop missing you, Alex. I feel like there’s this part of me that I didn’t even realize I had until it was gone, and you can’t replace it, it’s just… It’s just gone. You’re just… gone, Alex. And I wish I had you here, but I don’t. And I… I have Sean. He loves me. And I sound like I’m trying to convince myself, and I hate that, because I’m not. I just… I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what I was expecting. It’s not like you can send me some sort of sign from the heavens or something to tell me everything is okay, and that you don’t hate me for moving on. I just… I guess I just have to settle for the fact that I know you. And that I know that you’d never hold it against me, trying to be happy.
“I love you, Alex.” She shrugged, not knowing what else to say. “I love you. And I love him. He… he’s given me something to lose.”
Taking another breath and wiping the tears from her face yet again, Isabel gently laid down the bouquet of flowers she’d been holding, and turned away from the grave, her eyes landing almost immediately on Sean, who was standing just out of earshot, looking nervous and serious and very concerned.
He was heading towards her, and before she’d gotten very far, he was near her, running a hand up and down her arm. “You okay?” She nodded, slowly. “Do you mind if I…?” he gestured at the marker behind her, and surprised, Isabel realized that he wanted to talk to Alex, too.
“Um, yeah. Of course.”
Sean nodded shortly, then passed her and squatted before Alex’s grave. He spoke softly, the same serious, intent look on his face, and she almost felt as if she should look away, but she couldn’t stop herself from hearing Sean’s voice, gruff with emotion. “Look, man, you don’t have to say it, because I already know I don’t deserve her. I don’t even know what the hell she sees in me after she’s been with a guy like you. But I want to be with her. I want to take care of her. She’s in good hands, I promise.” He laid his hand on the grass for just a moment, and then he stood. Isabel was watching him with wide, open eyes, and he lifted a shoulder in a wordless shrug.
Taking his hand in hers, she brought them both to her lips and kissed his fingers where they were intertwined with hers. Taking a steadying breath, she smiled at him. “Ready?”
...